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3 C's of parenting · Head Shrink Inc.

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Hey friends, Doc David here.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome to Head Shrink Inc.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_01: We are going to talk about the three C's of parenting today.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_01: Listen in.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_01: Hey guys, welcome.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_01: It's Doc David, your host of Head Shrink Inc.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_01: Show.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, um, again, thanks for tuning in.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_01: I haven't posted in a while or made a podcast in a while.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_01: Been busy, right?
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_01: Fourth of July has come and gone, a vacation has come and gone, work is going, and lots of other stuff happening.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_01: So I wanted to get on here and talk about a little bit about parenting this week.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_01: Um I do a lot of um counseling of parents, and so they come in with a variety of different challenges that are going on with their kids.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_01: And one, I'm I mostly work with parents of teenagers.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_01: Teenagers, um, I love actually working with teenagers.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_01: A lot of parents think teenagers drive me crazy.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_01: I love my teenagers that I've raised and that I'm currently raising, and I love helping teenagers figure out figure out how to talk to their parents.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_01: Um and so when I'm able to do that, and and when I'm able to meet with teens and parents, it's not I it's not work, right?
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_01: They say if you want to find what you love, because then you're not actually working.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_01: And so it is what I love to do.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and so one of the things I wanted to address today were um the three C's of parenting.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_01: Now, as I've been thinking about this and I went online to look around, I don't know what it is about Cs, but lots of people love C's, and so the three C's of parenting, um, this is my perspective on what the three C's are.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_01: You could go around to other websites and you will find um they have the four C's of parenting, they have the three C's of parenting that are none of what I'm going to say.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so I suppose there's the the three W's of parenting or the three the four T's of parenting.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_01: I I don't know why C is uh the um chosen letter, but I'm choosing that letter today.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_01: So if you know why, or if you have comments on why it should be C and no other letter, please let me know.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_01: Um so as I've worked with parents over the last 19 years and worked with teenagers, one of the things that I have found to be consistent over time, and that's what's important, is consistent over time.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_01: Um there's three specific things, and the three specific things are consequences, consistency, and caring.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_01: And so what there is an order to those things as well, because if you place emphasis on one thing and not on another thing, there's potential challenges that are going to arise as you parent um kids.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_01: And now it's not there's no formula to parenting kids.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I think that's why there's so many different kinds of parenting books, because not one way works for every kid.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_01: Um, the biggest piece of advice I would say as a parent is to be a student of your kid.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_01: And and what I mean by that is so for me, for example, I have one child that, for example, likes to go to bed early, I have another child that likes to get up early, I have another child that likes to be in control of things, I have another child that control is not a big thing, I have another child that loyalty is super important, sticking up for the underdog is important.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_01: And so these are all things that you should know about your kids, and so you have an idea of how to approach them on things.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_01: And so if you think of a triangle, and the triangle is split into three different parts, let's talk about the base of the triangle.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_01: I really believe the first C of parenting is caring.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_01: Um I think your kid at the end of the day needs to know that no matter what, that you have care and concern for them.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_01: Um and I'd say this is a found is foundational because if you place any of the other C's at the foundation, it it messes everything else up, right?
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_01: So one of the so the three C's are carrying consistency and consequences.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_01: And so if your consequences are at the foundation, that that's the primary importance, that's that's the thing that you place the most importance upon, you're gonna have a fairly uh most likely a legalistic relationship with your kids.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_01: And what I found, like personally speaking, is that legalism tends to create a passive aggressiveness in your kids.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_01: Um and so you don't want that to be your foundation.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_01: So the foundation of all your relationships of your relationship with your kids should be one of caring.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_01: And so, what does that look like specifically?
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_01: That's where studying your kid is going to be important.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_01: Um, maybe you have a kid that likes to go fishing, or maybe you have a kid that likes to go to movies, or a kid that likes to color or play card games or things like that.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_01: Whatever that kid or kids, whatever they find to be important to them, those are the things you need to know, and then make it part of your routine with them.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_01: Um the more kids you have, the more difficult it becomes.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_01: So now remember, I have one son and six daughters, and so for me it becomes pretty difficult because I also want to have a good marriage.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_01: And so there's there is some challenges at times because life is short, you don't have a lot of time, hours during the week when you're working, and so you have to be pretty specific.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_01: So for all of my kids, I try to let them know verbally that I care about them and then show them love through physical affection.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but ultimately the the base of what you would the important part, I think, the base of that triangle would be uh caring.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and that's gonna look different for every kid that you have.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_01: Um, the second one I think that's important, the second level of this triangle is consistency.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_01: Um over and over, I talk to parents that come into my office and we talk about consistency.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_01: I just talked with some parents today, in fact, where they ask their child five or six times to do something, and then they end up having to yell and scream, and I mean business now, and the kid jumps up and does it with complaints, right?
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_01: And and if that's in your life, I mean I guess at least you're being consistent with asking five or six times, but that's not the goal.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_01: The goal should be asking once or twice, and then whatever it is that you've asked of them is gets done.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_01: Um part of the reason that it's not happening like you want it to happen, is because you're not being consistently consistent with um them in terms of if you don't do this, then this is a consequence that I'm gonna have to bear, which is gonna take us to the third C of parenting.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_01: But let's stay focused on consistency for a moment.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_01: Part of caring, like the the foundation of your of this triangle, is caring for your kid.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_01: And part of caring for your kid, it's not just touchy-feely stuff, it's not just words, it's being consistent with what you say.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_01: So if you say, hey, I'm going to come to your event on Saturday, then you go to their event on Saturday.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, I want to do this thing with you tomorrow, then you do that thing with them tomorrow.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_01: Um, they will there's nothing worse than a parent who's inconsistent, uh, especially a parent that makes promises and doesn't follow through on promises.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_01: I've worked with so many adults who have heartbreak over the unkept promises that of their childhood that still affect them to this day as adults.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_01: And so maybe some of the problem I think that comes with not being able to be consistent is that parents overpromise things.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_01: And so maybe you are an overpromiser type parent.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_01: Um if you're married or if if you have friends, maybe they can help you not be an overpromiser.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_01: But if that's your issue, you need to figure out how to not overpromise things.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_01: Make smaller commitments to your kids.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_01: Smaller the commitment, the easier to maintain, and then the easier it is to be consistent over time.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_01: And again, we're talking over time.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_01: There might be occasions where things just get in the way and you can't follow through on something.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_01: That's fine, that should be understandable.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_01: A good solid conversation with your kid should uh solve that issue, but it's consistency over time.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_01: If you're consistently late, if you're consistently not following through on things, you're really undermining your the relationship with your kid.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_01: And I would even say that that's an indication that you're not showing care for your kid.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_01: So, first, um the foundation of this triangle is caring.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_01: The second, the middle part of it is consistency, and that's consistency over time, and that's consistency of everything, right?
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_01: Consistency in loving your the kid's mom if you're together with the kid's mom or the kid's dad if you're together with the kid's dad still.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_01: Um, consistency of meeting with teachers when you say you're gonna meet with teachers, consists, consistency of meeting with coaches when you say you're gonna meet with coaches.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_01: I it just you name it, consistency is important in a kid's life, and you're the one there that can be consistent and provide that for them.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_01: Um the third one, and now this is really hard for some parents, is consequences.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_01: Um just by the nature of being a kid, you are not a kid is not familiar with the world, and so part of being in a home, a home is a training ground.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_01: So if you have a relationship with your kid where you allow them just to do anything and get away with anything, and that's also known as permissive parenting, which we've talked about before in a previous podcast.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_01: Um if you let your kids get away with anything and you don't provide consistency or consequences to them, that's really gonna affect your relationship negatively.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_01: Now, a lot of the times with the consequences, people like I want people just can't do it because they didn't themselves grow up in a house where there was consistency, or they grew up in a house where there was too much, um, too many consequences, and so then they think I'm never gonna be like my parent, and so then they don't provide the consequences that the kid needs, or they provide consequences but they're not consistent with the consequences, which then creates confusion for the kid.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_01: And so, like sometimes I get in trouble for this, and other times I don't get in trouble for this, and so then that creates sometimes it creates a disrespect towards the parent.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_01: So the I'm like any other parent, I want my kids to have a nice life, I want them to be blessed, I want them just to have good things good, and so I don't like giving consequences to my kids, I don't like grounding my kids, I don't like taking phones away, but it's something that I know I need that I need to do because it shows care, and I if I do it over time consistently, the outcome is typically a good outcome.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I think kids respect that.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_01: They know deep down that they need consequences for bad behavior, and it allows for the better you are at it and the better you can communicate why you're doing these consequences, the more solid that your relationship is.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_01: I've had kids tell me that they don't have a good relationship with their parents because their parents don't provide consequences.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, kids know, they'll never tell you this, but the deep dark secret that kids have, like teenagers especially, is that they know they need consequences.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_01: They'll tell you to your face that they don't, um, but you can't believe them.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_01: They know they need consequences.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_01: I've had enough teenagers tell me over time that they know they need to be held accountable for their bad behavior.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_01: And their home is a training ground for that.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_01: And so when you as a parent don't hold them responsible for their bad behavior, they lose respect in you and then they just continue on in their bad behavior.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_01: They take that on into adulthood, and they just don't have good skills then in their workplace and their relationships with others.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_01: And so I it's hard to do consequences, but that is something that I really encourage you as a parent to do.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_01: Now, if the concept if you put the consequence as the foundation, like I referenced earlier, it creates in a kid that this idea that you care more about their behavior than than them.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_01: And when when a kid thinks that, then it turns into potentially lying to your face about things because they don't they want to avoid that consequence.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_01: If uh one of the most powerful tools in parenting is um this idea that a kid doesn't want to disappoint their parent.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_01: Now, there is a part of that that can be pathological and create dysfunction.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_01: But ultimately, I think kids want to do kids want to love their parents and they want to have good relationships with their parents.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_01: And so the more you can cultivate a relationship of caring with your kid, the more likely they and the more consistent you are with them, the more likely they are going to be okay with the consequences that you give them.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_01: Um where they start kind of having trouble with the consequences and when that is when there's no relationship.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_01: There's this great um quote, relationship rules without relationship equal rebellion.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_01: And I see that over and over again with parents.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_01: Now, you may be a parent that's done everything right and your kid still is not doing things like you want them to do.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_01: That happens, right?
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_01: That's why there's no formula here.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_01: But I think for a vast majority of parenting relationships, the more you can make your foundation a caring foundation, and then build upon that a consistent foundation, and then build upon that carrying consistent consequences to behavior, the better off your kids are going to be, the more functional they're going to be when they leave your home and when they launch.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_01: Um, if you have any questions into that, or if you want to add to that, I would love your input.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_01: You can email me at headshrinkinc.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_01: That's headshrinkinc at gmail.com, or you can go to my uh Facebook page, docdavid.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_01: I think it's at askdocdavid.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_01: Um you can find me there, or you can find me at docdavid.net.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_01: I have some big news coming out next week, so stay tuned and listen in next week.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna talk to you about a book I have coming out.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_01: I will see you then.