Latest / Opie & Carl / Live at Gebhards: Carl’s Mom Called Him a Monster

Transcript

Live at Gebhards: Carl’s Mom Called Him a Monster · Opie & Carl

• 0:10
  Speaker 1: All right. And we begin.
• 0:13
  Speaker 2: We are live at Gephart's on the Upper West Side
• 0:17
  Speaker 2: in New York City.
• 0:19
  Speaker 3: And we haven't been to this joint in a while there, Carl.
• 0:23
  Speaker 2: Yep.
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: Why are you saying it like that?
• 0:26
  Speaker 4: I just did a shot of moonshine.
• 0:27
  Speaker 3: I don't even know where I am. They got moonshine
• 0:29
  Speaker 3: now here?
• 0:30
  Speaker 4: They got moonshine.
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: Really? That's delicious.
• 0:33
  Speaker 3: Yo, Matt, you got moonshine here now?
• 0:35
  Speaker 4: No, that's not what you say. You say, Matt, can
• 0:37
  Speaker 4: you bring Carl another moonshine?
• 0:38
  Speaker 3: Oh, Matt, can you bring Carl another moonshine?
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: Sorry, I forgot.
• 0:44
  Speaker 3: I forgot.
• 0:45
  Speaker 4: Cheers. Nice to see you, bro.
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: Nice to see you.
• 0:48
  Speaker 3: We love Gap Harts.
• 0:49
  Speaker 2: We had to take the summer off, though, because most
• 0:51
  Speaker 2: of us weren't in New York City, but this is
• 0:53
  Speaker 2: our joint, man.
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: You know what? I love this place.
• 0:56
  Speaker 4: And they have Genesee on... on tap, which is.
• 1:00
  Speaker 2: You're all in with the Genesee ever since our Rochester trip.
• 1:04
  Speaker 4: Bro, I was doing a... I was wearing this shirt,
• 1:09
  Speaker 4: so I'm wearing an I Love Rochester shirt.
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 1:11
  Speaker 4: And I may or may have not sent the picture.
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: Of me wearing this shirt to Brother Reese's calls. Oh,
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: thank you very much. Deanna King? Yeah.
• 1:23
  Speaker 3: I'm a piece of shit. Matt, who owns Gephart's, explain
• 1:27
  Speaker 3: what that shit is, man. Come here, Matt. Devil John's Moonshine.
• 1:30
  Speaker 4: Devil John's, yeah, it is exactly that.
• 1:32
  Speaker 3: Hold on, get our mic there.
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: Get in Carl's mic.
• 1:35
  Speaker 4: It's a sugar cane moonshine.
• 1:36
  Speaker 3: Sugar cane moonshine.
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: That's why I like it so much.
• 1:39
  Speaker 4: Lexington, Kentucky.
• 1:41
  Speaker 3: Did you just start serving it here?
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: We've had it. We've had it. Nobody knew that, but
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: we've had it.
• 1:45
  Speaker 3: Man, a lot of the people that like the podcast
• 1:47
  Speaker 3: come to Gephart's now. This place, I'm telling you, is happening.
• 1:50
  Speaker 3: Beer culture. It's a good place. In spite of us,
• 1:54
  Speaker 3: the place is successful. And they got good.
• 1:57
  Speaker 2: Choices on the beer and the moonshine and the bourbons.
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: I'm smiling ear to ear.
• 2:02
  Speaker 3: The music is cool.
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: And the burgers.
• 2:05
  Speaker 3: And the burgers.
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: I had a burger last time. It was really good.
• 2:08
  Speaker 4: I've just seen the pictures.
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: Who just had the knockwork sandwich? Yeah, I just wanted
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: one of those. Mikey had it.
• 2:12
  Speaker 4: I heard him order it.
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: You should have seen him. It was like fucking.
• 2:15
  Speaker 5: Let me get the NYPD.
• 2:20
  Speaker 4: And they make their own jerky. Here's another one. Here's another.
• 2:23
  Speaker 4: Did you get one too?
• 2:25
  Speaker 3: Wow.
• 2:25
  Speaker 4: Speaking of the knock worst, here you go.
• 2:26
  Speaker 2: That looks wonderful. Sherrod Small is here, of course, and
• 2:31
  Speaker 2: Vic Kenley. We got the gang back together ever since.
• 2:34
  Speaker 2: We haven't been together since Nantucket.
• 2:36
  Speaker 5: Let me tell you something about Sherrod being a professional
• 2:38
  Speaker 5: free food acquirer. So I'm in the corner watching. So
• 2:42
  Speaker 5: Mumble Mouth over there ordered the first one, right?
• 2:44
  Speaker 3: Mikey?
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: Mikey.
• 2:46
  Speaker 5: This thing, he's almost done with it. Gerard comes in
• 2:49
  Speaker 5: with his bike, realizes in 13 seconds that there's free food.
• 2:53
  Speaker 5: He's like, I'll have one of those. He didn't even
• 2:55
  Speaker 5: know what it was. He's like, that's easy.
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: They'll remember it. I banged it out.
• 2:58
  Speaker 4: That's not worse. That's not best.
• 3:01
  Speaker 3: Hit him. Hit him.
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: Hit him in the face.
• 3:06
  Speaker 4: Smack me.
• 3:07
  Speaker 2: I love how Sherrod parks wherever the fuck he wants to, man.
• 3:11
  Speaker 3: Good for you, buddy.
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: They told me to bring it in. Good for you.
• 3:14
  Speaker 4: He's making money because he gave me.
• 3:15
  Speaker 3: The bike to park in.
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 3:17
  Speaker 3: Man, we haven't seen each other since Nantucket as a group.
• 3:20
  Speaker 3: I mean.
• 3:21
  Speaker 4: I was supposed to come last time at the new studio,
• 3:24
  Speaker 4: and then I didn't want to go. But I also
• 3:26
  Speaker 4: found out, Carl told me later, there was only three microphones,
• 3:28
  Speaker 4: so you didn't need me at all. I didn't feel
• 3:32
  Speaker 4: bad about it. I have one of those in my apartment,
• 3:35
  Speaker 4: one of these air conditioners through the wall things, and
• 3:37
  Speaker 4: it started leaking.
• 3:37
  Speaker 3: Yes.
• 3:38
  Speaker 4: And I had to wait on the guy.
• 3:40
  Speaker 3: Oh, that's right.
• 3:40
  Speaker 4: It was four mics, but Tim Sabian's khakis ate one
• 3:43
  Speaker 4: of them.
• 3:43
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 3:45
  Speaker 4: Those are big khakis. They can do some eating. They
• 3:48
  Speaker 4: can eat some microphones.
• 3:49
  Speaker 2: Unfortunately, Tim Sabian won't be here today to ruin the podcast.
• 3:53
  Speaker 4: Well, Tim Sabian's on his way to Minnesota.
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: Is he?
• 3:57
  Speaker 4: I hear a family auction coming.
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: Down the road. Oh, really?
• 4:01
  Speaker 3: Yeah, Tim lost his mama.
• 4:03
  Speaker 4: Oh, right.
• 4:04
  Speaker 3: That's true.
• 4:04
  Speaker 4: He met us in the restaurant and told us.
• 4:06
  Speaker 2: He lost his mama, and I think he's finally going
• 4:08
  Speaker 2: back to bury her?
• 4:09
  Speaker 3: I mean, she died a couple weeks ago, I think.
• 4:13
  Speaker 2: No.
• 4:13
  Speaker 1: Mr.
• 4:13
  Speaker 4: Service.
• 4:14
  Speaker 3: Why wouldn't they do that a couple weeks ago? Oh,
• 4:17
  Speaker 3: someone wasn't available?
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: All right. Maybe they're waiting for the GoFundMe. It's none
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: of my fucking business. I understand.
• 4:21
  Speaker 4: They're waiting for the GoFundMe to kick in.
• 4:26
  Speaker 3: You think it's going to be a free-for-all for the stuff?
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: Are you kidding me? Let me tell you something.
• 4:31
  Speaker 5: They might call it a memorial, but if you walk by,
• 4:33
  Speaker 5: you're like, are they filming Storage Wars over there?
• 4:35
  Speaker 6: When a family member dies, either everybody wants everything or
• 4:38
  Speaker 6: nobody wants anything.
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: Right. Yeah.
• 4:41
  Speaker 4: Dude, I have family members that call straight up.
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: Is your dad dead?
• 4:45
  Speaker 3: No.
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: Okay, I'll talk to you later. They circled the block.
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: They circled the block. It was Cuban crows.
• 4:51
  Speaker 4: A couple of years ago, I was home visiting my mom,
• 4:53
  Speaker 4: and I dropped my readers on the floor. And when
• 4:55
  Speaker 4: I got down to pick them up, I looked underneath
• 4:57
  Speaker 4: the table, and I saw like a little sticker.
• 4:59
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 4:59
  Speaker 4: And I look at my mom. And what did it say?
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: Property?
• 5:00
  Speaker 4: No, it had my brother's initials on it. He was
• 5:04
  Speaker 4: claiming the table. That was five years ago. She's still alive.
• 5:08
  Speaker 4: And I do my mom immediately. I'm like, what is this?
• 5:11
  Speaker 4: And she goes, well, Mike was over here, and I
• 5:13
  Speaker 4: started talking. She was feeling all morose. She goes, well,
• 5:15
  Speaker 4: one day when I'm gone, I don't want y'all fighting
• 5:17
  Speaker 4: about any of this stuff. And he goes, here, I
• 5:19
  Speaker 4: got some labels in here. He went in the office
• 5:21
  Speaker 4: and just took a bunch of labels out and started putting.
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: Stickers on them.
• 5:23
  Speaker 3: That's hilarious.
• 5:24
  Speaker 1: Post-its on his mother's stuff.
• 5:26
  Speaker 4: I called my older brother. I'm like, listen to what
• 5:27
  Speaker 4: Jackass has done. And my brother goes, I hope you
• 5:30
  Speaker 4: tore them all down.
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: I go, oh, yeah.
• 5:31
  Speaker 4: I immediately crawled around on my hands and knees all
• 5:33
  Speaker 4: over the house and took every one of the stickers
• 5:34
  Speaker 4: off of every item that.
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: He had marked.
• 5:36
  Speaker 4: My brother preemptively took all my dad's shit.
• 5:38
  Speaker 1: I was so mad at him. Yikes.
• 5:39
  Speaker 4: Right. I'm in Miami.
• 5:41
  Speaker 5: I'm like, hey, does dad still have that old, like
• 5:44
  Speaker 5: he bought a Rolex, his first Rolex in 1988. And
• 5:46
  Speaker 5: I helped.
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: It might have been stolen.
• 5:51
  Speaker 4: Dad didn't care. R-O-L-E-C-K-S. He was part of the team.
• 5:56
  Speaker 4: He's like, how much did you pay for this?
• 5:57
  Speaker 3: I'm like, blood.
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: He's like, good job, son. Good job.
• 6:01
  Speaker 5: But my mom's like, no, no, all the jewelry and
• 6:03
  Speaker 5: stuff are out of the house. You know, we had
• 6:05
  Speaker 5: a storm the other year and You know, I give
• 6:07
  Speaker 5: it all to your brother for safekeeping.
• 6:09
  Speaker 4: I'm like, mother fucker.
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: Wow.
• 6:12
  Speaker 3: It's over.
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: It's over. Fuck you.
• 6:14
  Speaker 3: You're not getting that.
• 6:15
  Speaker 5: I call my brother. I send my brother a text.
• 6:17
  Speaker 5: I'm like, nice move, Jack fucking Sparrow.
• 6:22
  Speaker 3: What, what, what, what, what?
• 6:24
  Speaker 4: There's a storm coming.
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: There's a storm. There's tropical storm white trash coming. Did
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: they get caught up in Florence? All this hurricane now?
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: It's like a thunderstorm at this point.
• 6:36
  Speaker 3: Yeah, slow down a bit.
• 6:37
  Speaker 4: And they're in Florida. They said in Carolina.
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: Oh, that's right. Carolina. Oh, yeah, man.
• 6:40
  Speaker 2: Man, and I invited Vic Kenley to see Blackberry Smoke,
• 6:43
  Speaker 2: but you were torn with Ron White.
• 6:45
  Speaker 4: Yes, I was down. And we were in Richmond on
• 6:47
  Speaker 4: last Friday, and we were in the Smoky Mountains on Saturday. Nice.
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: How was that?
• 6:51
  Speaker 2: Long.
• 6:52
  Speaker 4: Because we drove from one to the other, so it
• 6:54
  Speaker 4: was one of those eight-hour bus rides with three of
• 6:56
  Speaker 4: us in the little bunks on the bus. It's comfy,
• 6:58
  Speaker 4: but I'd rather have a hotel room.
• 6:59
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I understand that.
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: Is it a no-shit rule on a bus?
• 7:02
  Speaker 4: Oh, yes, absolutely.
• 7:03
  Speaker 3: It's completely true. I argued this with Blackberry Smoke.
• 7:07
  Speaker 2: What?
• 7:08
  Speaker 3: You should shit on your bus.
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: If it's yours and you're on there by yourself, but
• 7:12
  Speaker 1: if you've got a group of people... Ah, you just shit.
• 7:14
  Speaker 4: You're talking to a guy who shits on the beach
• 7:16
  Speaker 4: like a wild animal.
• 7:17
  Speaker 3: That's true.
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: Water parks.
• 7:18
  Speaker 4: Number two, I lived it real time. What do you mean, what?
• 7:22
  Speaker 2: Oh.
• 7:23
  Speaker 4: My buddy Matt Fara invites us to do a yacht cast.
• 7:26
  Speaker 1: Right? So we go on the yacht to do the cast. Right.
• 7:28
  Speaker 4: I saw some of that.
• 7:29
  Speaker 5: The minute his little homemade slipper hits the fucking deck,
• 7:34
  Speaker 5: he goes, I got to take a shit.
• 7:36
  Speaker 3: And I'm like, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
• 7:37
  Speaker 4: Like, I thought it was like, oh, that's funny.
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: He's like, no, really, like, turtle head.
• 7:42
  Speaker 4: It's out. On the boat?
• 7:45
  Speaker 2: Bro, I met the guy five minutes later asking if
• 7:47
  Speaker 2: I could shit on his yacht.
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: That's how white and.
• 7:50
  Speaker 4: Rich you are.
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: Where's the stuff that I can shit on?
• 7:53
  Speaker 4: And he's talking in there, too.
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: Like, we're boys like that. He's like, what's the flush button?
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: I'm like, bro.
• 7:59
  Speaker 3: Well, there's one button that raises the water.
• 8:02
  Speaker 2: And if you don't know how to use that properly,
• 8:03
  Speaker 2: that could be a real problem. What?
• 8:06
  Speaker 3: You've got to raise the water to get rid of
• 8:08
  Speaker 3: your shit.
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: Okay.
• 8:09
  Speaker 3: Yeah, and then dumping it in the harbor with these
• 8:12
  Speaker 3: gorgeous boats.
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: I mean, the boat was gorgeous.
• 8:16
  Speaker 5: The boat's gorgeous, and there's Opie Turr just floating next
• 8:18
  Speaker 5: to the boat in Greenwich, Connecticut.
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: Oh, my God. It's playing in it.
• 8:23
  Speaker 3: I could shit anywhere, man. Port Authority, I don't give
• 8:26
  Speaker 3: a fuck, man.
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: That's amazing.
• 8:28
  Speaker 4: Anywhere. I can shit anywhere. See?
• 8:31
  Speaker 3: There are guys that can't even shit outside their own house.
• 8:34
  Speaker 1: What the fuck's that about?
• 8:35
  Speaker 4: That's weird.
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: Now, I can shit outside my house, but I gotta
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: have a... I gotta... Like, even in the comedy clubs.
• 8:40
  Speaker 4: Sure.
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: Some clubs, you can shit in, because, like, the cellar,
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: you got a private bathroom.
• 8:43
  Speaker 3: True.
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: At the Village Underground. Right. But if people coming in
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: and out, and these kids... I can't do that shit.
• 8:48
  Speaker 3: I don't care.
• 8:50
  Speaker 4: Let it go.
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: You're old school.
• 8:51
  Speaker 3: Do you build a nest?
• 8:52
  Speaker 1: Remember? What do you mean? On the toilet?
• 8:54
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: Oh, yeah. I try to.
• 8:55
  Speaker 3: You nest it.
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: Oh, I put so much stuff on that fucking seat.
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: I hover.
• 8:59
  Speaker 3: You do all that.
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: I don't do nothing. I touch that fucking awful seat.
• 9:02
  Speaker 3: I don't do nothing. I sit right the fuck down.
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: Yeah, me too. I look at the seat. I'm like,
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: we had a good run. Even those.
• 9:14
  Speaker 3: Even those sweaty seats, I'll sit right the fuck down.
• 9:17
  Speaker 5: Those toilet paper things, it's like having sex with a condom.
• 9:20
  Speaker 5: It just doesn't feel right. I've got to feel the
• 9:21
  Speaker 5: plastic seat.
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: There you go.
• 9:23
  Speaker 6: All right.
• 9:23
  Speaker 3: So we have a little in common. Me and Vic
• 9:26
  Speaker 3: have a little in common.
• 9:27
  Speaker 4: I'll clean it. I'll spend 10 minutes cleaning it. Have
• 9:29
  Speaker 4: you ever?
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: No. I will.
• 9:30
  Speaker 4: And then I'll sit on the seat itself. But I will.
• 9:33
  Speaker 4: I clean it like an airport.
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: Have you ever done a clean flush?
• 9:36
  Speaker 4: I've been in the bathroom so dirty, I've done a
• 9:38
  Speaker 4: clean flush. Oh, yeah.
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: Then a toilet paper hand.
• 9:40
  Speaker 2: Sure.
• 9:41
  Speaker 4: Dipped it in the clean water and cleaned the seat. Oh, absolutely.
• 9:44
  Speaker 6: Yes.
• 9:44
  Speaker 4: I've totally done that.
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: I've totally done that. Nope. Hope he's stuck to the
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: fucking seat.
• 9:49
  Speaker 3: Clean water. I did shit on the yacht, though. I
• 9:51
  Speaker 3: had to, though. That was a long ride. I did
• 9:53
  Speaker 3: crush it.
• 9:54
  Speaker 4: And he comes up and he's like, does it smell
• 9:55
  Speaker 4: like shit? I'm like, yeah, because you took a shit.
• 9:58
  Speaker 3: I'm showing I'm a human being. I went to my.
• 10:00
  Speaker 2: pal Carl because Matt went and got, what, two beers
• 10:03
  Speaker 2: for our podcast?
• 10:04
  Speaker 4: Well, because when he shows up, I showed up with
• 10:05
  Speaker 4: a case of Zima. Everyone's like, oh, fucking Carl. I
• 10:08
  Speaker 4: didn't know they made that anymore until I saw the
• 10:10
  Speaker 4: picture on the yacht. Well, here's my strategy. I figured
• 10:13
  Speaker 4: we're in Greenwich, Connecticut. There's some hoey white girls. Oh, okay.
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: That's what they drink. That's what they drink. So I
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: came with a box of wine. Am I lying? No.
• 10:20
  Speaker 5: A box of Rosé and Zima, just in case that
• 10:24
  Speaker 5: one straggler came on the boat.
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: Yeah, when the divorcees come through.
• 10:27
  Speaker 4: Oh, and she shows up with all that estate jewelry on.
• 10:30
  Speaker 4: That she got from your brother.
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: Boom! Goes the cannon.
• 10:39
  Speaker 3: We really thought we were going to live a hip-hop video.
• 10:43
  Speaker 3: And it was the total opposite. We had some wonderful
• 10:47
  Speaker 3: bagels and lox. That was nice.
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: And Zima, that was it.
• 10:52
  Speaker 5: And Opie with a bag of raw clams fucking fishing
• 10:54
  Speaker 5: off a yacht.
• 10:55
  Speaker 4: That has nothing to do with fishing.
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: He's dropping clam juice all over the Italian leather. It's true.
• 11:02
  Speaker 4: Really?
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: Yeah, but he has that white privilege. He's like, oh,
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: I missed that one was a doozy.
• 11:06
  Speaker 4: I'm like, you just put a fucking clam on another thing.
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: He got clams juice spilling everywhere. He's taking shits. He
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: turned that yacht into a slave ship. Yeah. Eight minutes.
• 11:17
  Speaker 4: That's all it took.
• 11:19
  Speaker 2: As soon as he went down that road, I was
• 11:21
  Speaker 2: laser focused on Shirat because I knew he would really
• 11:24
  Speaker 2: enjoy that.
• 11:25
  Speaker 3: No, I brought a couple fishing poles. All right, I
• 11:28
  Speaker 3: can understand that.
• 11:29
  Speaker 2: And to show that I'm a human being, Matt went
• 11:31
  Speaker 2: to get a couple beers, so I asked Carl if
• 11:34
  Speaker 2: it smelled.
• 11:35
  Speaker 3: I was a little worried.
• 11:37
  Speaker 4: After the fact, though.
• 11:38
  Speaker 3: But you were a real bro, and you were like, no,
• 11:40
  Speaker 3: you're good.
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm like, no, you're good. I'm used to it.
• 11:42
  Speaker 2: I mean, I was going to shit either way, but
• 11:44
  Speaker 2: I was happy that there was no odor after the fact.
• 11:46
  Speaker 4: Why would I argue with someone that's going to do
• 11:48
  Speaker 4: what they want anyway?
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: It was a big boat. A beautiful boat.
• 11:50
  Speaker 3: It was gorgeous. And the best part of the fishing
• 11:52
  Speaker 3: with the clams... I cast this thing, right? My bait
• 11:56
  Speaker 3: goes straight up 15 feet and comes right down on
• 11:59
  Speaker 3: the Italian leather.
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: On the Corinthian leather.
• 12:02
  Speaker 3: And the brand new towels.
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: Oh, my God.
• 12:04
  Speaker 3: That were probably bought just for the yacht cast.
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: And Opie showed up like an orphan, starving. Like, he
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: was starving. He had one shoe on.
• 12:11
  Speaker 4: The guy brought some.
• 12:12
  Speaker 5: Bagel and lox, and Opie just... He complimented his way
• 12:16
  Speaker 5: through eating the whole thing.
• 12:17
  Speaker 1: This is amazing.
• 12:18
  Speaker 4: Boom, boom.
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: Are those capers?
• 12:21
  Speaker 3: Boom, boom, boom. I was saving myself because I thought,
• 12:25
  Speaker 3: you know, you're invited on a yacht. That doesn't happen
• 12:27
  Speaker 3: every day. So I'm assuming it's going to be set
• 12:28
  Speaker 3: up nice. So I'm like, why would you eat before
• 12:31
  Speaker 3: you get there?
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 12:32
  Speaker 3: So you can really enjoy. De Zima was rough, though.
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: He is an embarrassment. It was an embarrassment.
• 12:40
  Speaker 4: From top to bottom, it was an embarrassment.
• 12:42
  Speaker 3: No, it's an embarrassment to you guys. Oh, you're having
• 12:45
  Speaker 3: a time of your life.
• 12:46
  Speaker 4: I fucking love it.
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: He's yelling at people, I'm on a boat! Like the
• 12:50
  Speaker 1: other boat.
• 12:51
  Speaker 4: Look at our boat!
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: I'm on this motherfucker. Who put this runaway onto this yacht?
• 12:56
  Speaker 2: Matt from Smoking Tire, he got a little nervous. He
• 12:59
  Speaker 2: actually gave me a talking to.
• 13:00
  Speaker 3: He's like, dude, He loves us. He loves me.
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: He loves Carl.
• 13:04
  Speaker 4: I have to say that.
• 13:05
  Speaker 3: No, he likes me too.
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: Mostly Carl.
• 13:06
  Speaker 3: We've been texting ever since, you son of a bitch.
• 13:08
  Speaker 3: We're supposed to go up the Hudson River, matter of fact.
• 13:11
  Speaker 2: All Carl.
• 13:12
  Speaker 3: But anyway, he finally had to give me a talking to.
• 13:14
  Speaker 2: He's like, oh, this is good. I've been a fan
• 13:16
  Speaker 2: of yours forever. I know what you do, but can
• 13:18
  Speaker 2: you shut the fuck up? Because you're going home and
• 13:20
  Speaker 2: I got to deal with these people.
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: No, no.
• 13:22
  Speaker 5: He gave him the biggest rich, like the little rich quote.
• 13:24
  Speaker 5: Matt looks at him and he goes, you can say
• 13:26
  Speaker 5: everything you want if it's your boat. I'm like, oh, shit!
• 13:31
  Speaker 3: Well, because... Rich people fight!
• 13:33
  Speaker 1: Fight!
• 13:33
  Speaker 4: Fight!
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: Fight! Fight!
• 13:35
  Speaker 4: Fight!
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: Fight!
• 13:35
  Speaker 3: Fight!
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: Because the boat.
• 13:37
  Speaker 2: We were on, too, and my line is like 10
• 13:38
  Speaker 2: in the world or something, so Matt's like, they know
• 13:41
  Speaker 2: this boat.
• 13:42
  Speaker 3: I can't blend in.
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: They all know this fucking boat.
• 13:44
  Speaker 4: Like, the name of the boat is, yep, this is
• 13:45
  Speaker 4: my boat.
• 13:47
  Speaker 3: Yep.
• 13:49
  Speaker 4: I'm glad we didn't get to go on the boat
• 13:50
  Speaker 4: in Nantucket now. We usually get to go on the
• 13:52
  Speaker 4: boat every year. You don't understand the sigh of relief. Remember,
• 13:55
  Speaker 4: I was so cool with it. You're like, oh, it
• 13:56
  Speaker 4: looks like me and Obi can't go on the boat.
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: I'm like, thank.
• 13:58
  Speaker 5: Because bringing Down Syndrome Thurston Howell on that fucking boat.
• 14:03
  Speaker 1: Would have behaved.
• 14:05
  Speaker 4: After he's yelling at Stephen Wright from the roof and
• 14:08
  Speaker 4: then hiding.
• 14:10
  Speaker 5: I have a feeling that boat was preemptively canceled.
• 14:12
  Speaker 2: Wait, I got to defend myself on that one because
• 14:15
  Speaker 2: there's somebody at this table that might have got me
• 14:17
  Speaker 2: a little too high.
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: Wait, what happened?
• 14:21
  Speaker 3: I'm just saying someone.
• 14:23
  Speaker 1: No, that was just you.
• 14:24
  Speaker 3: No, it was the other guy.
• 14:25
  Speaker 4: Could have been me.
• 14:27
  Speaker 3: I started with you, but then the other guy came.
• 14:29
  Speaker 1: Was that with the truck?
• 14:31
  Speaker 3: No, he had the vape pen.
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: Oh, yeah.
• 14:35
  Speaker 3: And then all of a sudden I was out of
• 14:36
  Speaker 3: my mind, and then I see Stephen Wright in the alley,
• 14:37
  Speaker 3: and I decided I had to fuck with him.
• 14:39
  Speaker 1: When you just yelled at him? Oh, when he was, yeah.
• 14:41
  Speaker 4: He popped his head up like a damn gopher in
• 14:43
  Speaker 4: Caddyshack and yelled and then popped back down.
• 14:46
  Speaker 1: And then Steven's looking around like, who the fuck was that?
• 14:48
  Speaker 3: Yes, exactly.
• 14:48
  Speaker 4: He's in the alley behind the show, walking around. He's
• 14:51
  Speaker 4: one of those guys that goes through his set in
• 14:52
  Speaker 4: his head. What are the odds of Steve, for the
• 14:54
  Speaker 4: first five times, he thought it was in his own head?
• 14:56
  Speaker 4: Could have been, yeah, because he was ducking down pretty quickly.
• 14:58
  Speaker 2: No, at that point, I wanted Steven to think he
• 15:01
  Speaker 2: was hearing voices, and I think I came close. Oh, yeah.
• 15:04
  Speaker 2: And then Vic ran into him because I ended up
• 15:05
  Speaker 2: seeing his set, so I wasn't backstage to say hi
• 15:07
  Speaker 2: to him.
• 15:08
  Speaker 3: I haven't seen him in a few years. He's done
• 15:09
  Speaker 3: the show over the years. And then Vic totally threw
• 15:12
  Speaker 3: him under the bus.
• 15:12
  Speaker 1: He's done Race Wars, too. He's a great dude.
• 15:14
  Speaker 3: I love Stephen Wright.
• 15:14
  Speaker 4: He's a hilarious goddamn legend.
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: I love Stephen Wright.
• 15:17
  Speaker 4: You have some bun on your head.
• 15:19
  Speaker 1: I think it was napkin.
• 15:20
  Speaker 3: Bro, will you invite him back to Nantucket next year?
• 15:22
  Speaker 4: Sure.
• 15:23
  Speaker 3: Goddamn, that was fun.
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: Everybody loved it. And you know what? It's a gift
• 15:26
  Speaker 1: that keeps on giving.
• 15:26
  Speaker 3: I was at a bar.
• 15:28
  Speaker 5: With McKinley and I met this girl and she was like,
• 15:30
  Speaker 5: I was in Nantucket when you were in Nantucket and
• 15:32
  Speaker 5: I didn't talk, I didn't know she was in Nantucket.
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 15:34
  Speaker 4: I kept looking at McKinley and I'm like, Oh, right.
• 15:36
  Speaker 4: Are you in Nantucket?
• 15:37
  Speaker 1: Yes.
• 15:38
  Speaker 4: You were in, how did I not, how did I
• 15:39
  Speaker 4: miss you?
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 15:40
  Speaker 4: My friend, who he met several times on Nantucket.
• 15:43
  Speaker 3: She was, She was.
• 15:45
  Speaker 4: With us at every after party and all the things.
• 15:47
  Speaker 4: She's a friend of mine, so she had passes. We
• 15:48
  Speaker 4: were hooking her up. She's there with two other friends
• 15:50
  Speaker 4: of mine, and he met them four or five times,
• 15:54
  Speaker 4: but he was too busy buying hoodies and pullovers and fleeces.
• 15:57
  Speaker 1: I spoke to some of those girls, by the way.
• 15:59
  Speaker 3: The bachelorettes?
• 15:59
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 16:00
  Speaker 4: That was great.
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: Yeah, they were great.
• 16:02
  Speaker 4: I didn't know where y'all were. For the people that
• 16:04
  Speaker 4: don't know, I was at an after party with the
• 16:06
  Speaker 4: rich peoples trying to secure more donations. And not answering
• 16:08
  Speaker 4: your phone, by the way, because we all wanted to
• 16:10
  Speaker 4: go to that. Because we were in Wisconsin, and I
• 16:12
  Speaker 4: didn't have any service. I was way out on, you know.
• 16:14
  Speaker 2: But it turned out, because then we were hanging out
• 16:15
  Speaker 2: at the bachelorette party, and that was definitely fun.
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: They were fun.
• 16:18
  Speaker 4: So I got to town. I went, where are you?
• 16:19
  Speaker 4: He goes, we're at the Rose and Crown. And I
• 16:21
  Speaker 4: went in there, and y'all were in the middle of
• 16:22
  Speaker 4: like 19 women.
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 16:24
  Speaker 4: And the only three dudes that were allowed in were
• 16:26
  Speaker 4: you three. Everybody else was getting pushed to the side.
• 16:29
  Speaker 4: And they were doing, like, soul train lines.
• 16:32
  Speaker 1: I was funding the whole fucking thing.
• 16:34
  Speaker 6: I know.
• 16:34
  Speaker 1: I know. I remember.
• 16:34
  Speaker 4: I was like the Pentagon.
• 16:36
  Speaker 3: Sherrod was running the show.
• 16:37
  Speaker 4: I think he was DJing at one point. He was.
• 16:39
  Speaker 1: He was.
• 16:40
  Speaker 3: I think you were.
• 16:41
  Speaker 4: I think he did DJ a little bit near the end.
• 16:43
  Speaker 1: He took over. We did take over. Like, what the fuck?
• 16:46
  Speaker 1: That was a bust for me, though. I picked the
• 16:49
  Speaker 1: wrong girl. You know when you pick the wrong girl
• 16:50
  Speaker 1: in a gaggle of them? Yeah, you've got to choose wisely.
• 16:53
  Speaker 5: I did not. I jumped the gun. I voted on titty,
• 16:56
  Speaker 5: not full body. And when you vote on just one
• 16:59
  Speaker 5: body part, chances.
• 17:00
  Speaker 1: Are something's going to fall apart. And that's what happened.
• 17:02
  Speaker 1: All of a sudden, I give her a shot.
• 17:04
  Speaker 4: She's winking. And I'm like, wow, does she keep winking
• 17:07
  Speaker 4: at me? I'm like, oh, fuck, she's crying.
• 17:10
  Speaker 3: That's not a wink.
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: She's crying. And I walk up to her, and she's like, Harold!
• 17:16
  Speaker 1: I'm like, son of a bitch, I'm going home. Those
• 17:19
  Speaker 1: girls have some rocks on their fucking face.
• 17:21
  Speaker 3: Oh, my God.
• 17:21
  Speaker 1: Rich bitches.
• 17:22
  Speaker 3: Boulders.
• 17:23
  Speaker 1: Boulders. All of them. Most of them. And they were
• 17:26
  Speaker 1: all very rich.
• 17:27
  Speaker 5: Because they think one bang, they could clean up all
• 17:29
  Speaker 5: their whole racist ways for 30 years.
• 17:30
  Speaker 1: I'm fucking on the right side of history.
• 17:33
  Speaker 4: He had the one drunk one following him around that
• 17:35
  Speaker 4: got a little scary. Oh, yeah. I'm like, he's married.
• 17:38
  Speaker 4: He goes, do you think so? I go, look at her.
• 17:40
  Speaker 4: She was just standing there with the death stare from
• 17:42
  Speaker 4: across the room.
• 17:43
  Speaker 5: But she wouldn't approach Opie or anything because, you know, fucking,
• 17:46
  Speaker 5: Opie looked like powder.
• 17:48
  Speaker 1: No.
• 17:48
  Speaker 4: At the fucking place. And he's in the corner.
• 17:54
  Speaker 5: And I'm looking over, I'm like, I wouldn't fucking put
• 17:58
  Speaker 5: a gun to my head.
• 17:59
  Speaker 1: This fucking guy, he looked like, he was just in
• 18:01
  Speaker 1: the corner. I wasn't looking at my best.
• 18:03
  Speaker 3: I had my Nick Nolte, I just got arrested hair.
• 18:05
  Speaker 3: And then I had the name Tucket Hoodie.
• 18:07
  Speaker 1: You look fresh out of memories rehab. You look like
• 18:11
  Speaker 1: another 48 hours.
• 18:15
  Speaker 3: I still wear the Nantucket hoodie, man.
• 18:17
  Speaker 1: Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm going to pull that out.
• 18:18
  Speaker 3: I still wear it.
• 18:19
  Speaker 1: I'm going to pull that out.
• 18:20
  Speaker 3: And it makes me smile. That was just so much
• 18:22
  Speaker 3: fun up there.
• 18:22
  Speaker 4: He bought the hoodie. He bought three.
• 18:24
  Speaker 1: A robe.
• 18:25
  Speaker 4: He bought the robe.
• 18:26
  Speaker 3: The robe came into play after I left. You bought
• 18:29
  Speaker 3: that like the last day.
• 18:30
  Speaker 4: Oh, after you left.
• 18:31
  Speaker 2: I started following his Instagram after I left because I
• 18:33
  Speaker 2: was homesick for you guys.
• 18:35
  Speaker 3: And then I see him in a fucking robe.
• 18:37
  Speaker 4: We were picking him up at the Nantucket Hotel, and
• 18:39
  Speaker 4: there literally was just a big placard with, you know,
• 18:41
  Speaker 4: commemorate your visit to the Nantucket Hotel with our fabulous
• 18:43
  Speaker 4: robe for $ 395 or whatever.
• 18:45
  Speaker 1: Worth every penny.
• 18:46
  Speaker 4: And he was just stopping there. A bargain. Picking him
• 18:50
  Speaker 4: up on the way to dinner. He was just stopping
• 18:51
  Speaker 4: there for a drink. He comes bopping out.
• 18:53
  Speaker 1: Look what I got!
• 18:54
  Speaker 4: He's got the robe on. And then he put the
• 18:57
  Speaker 4: robe on Mac, my friend's son, who did the show
• 18:59
  Speaker 4: with us. Remember Mac?
• 19:00
  Speaker 1: Oh, I loved him.
• 19:01
  Speaker 4: That was 16, 17? Oh, yeah. Yeah, and so then
• 19:04
  Speaker 4: he puts the robe on Mac all through dinner. Mac's
• 19:06
  Speaker 4: wearing the robe. We're eating lobster. We're having a great time.
• 19:09
  Speaker 5: At that hotel, one of my first kills there, there
• 19:11
  Speaker 5: was an older lady. She's beautiful in this red dress.
• 19:14
  Speaker 1: And she was the only one at the bar. And
• 19:16
  Speaker 1: I said, there's no way she's getting out alive, this one.
• 19:19
  Speaker 1: So I sat next to her, and I'm like, how
• 19:20
  Speaker 1: are you? She's like, oh, just drinking my troubles away.
• 19:23
  Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, perfect. I've been doing that for 30 years.
• 19:25
  Speaker 4: So I look at her, and she goes, oh, you know,
• 19:29
  Speaker 4: talking about her ex-husband.
• 19:30
  Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, that's a shame. She goes, no, I
• 19:32
  Speaker 1: hate him. I'm like, that's great.
• 19:35
  Speaker 4: We're going to go just fine. I'm like, when's the
• 19:37
  Speaker 4: last time you made out in a bathroom?
• 19:39
  Speaker 3: I can't remember.
• 19:40
  Speaker 1: I'm like, today. It's going to be today.
• 19:42
  Speaker 3: I'm missing a beat.
• 19:46
  Speaker 1: Today's the first day of the rest of your life.
• 19:48
  Speaker 1: You're an animal.
• 19:48
  Speaker 3: Get with fat.
• 19:50
  Speaker 4: Spanish John Stamos and get in that bathroom.
• 19:52
  Speaker 1: Uncle Jesse?
• 19:53
  Speaker 4: Uncle Jesse. No wonder you bought the robe. You were happy.
• 19:56
  Speaker 1: I was happy.
• 19:57
  Speaker 4: It was an impulse, happy purchase.
• 19:58
  Speaker 1: You know what?
• 19:58
  Speaker 4: I'm happy.
• 19:59
  Speaker 1: I buy shit.
• 19:59
  Speaker 4: That's true. Absolutely.
• 20:00
  Speaker 1: I bought Marie once. I was so happy.
• 20:03
  Speaker 4: Cost you a lot. That was a big check.
• 20:05
  Speaker 1: Oh, 1.6.
• 20:06
  Speaker 3: That was a big check.
• 20:08
  Speaker 4: 1.6.
• 20:08
  Speaker 5: I feel like the Pentagon that pays a million dollars
• 20:10
  Speaker 5: for toilet seats.
• 20:11
  Speaker 4: Sure.
• 20:11
  Speaker 1: Or a fucking bolt.
• 20:13
  Speaker 4: Right.
• 20:14
  Speaker 1: Or a hammer.
• 20:15
  Speaker 4: So I got off lucky at $ 83, 000. Oh, $ 83, 000.
• 20:17
  Speaker 1: I'll do that tomorrow.
• 20:19
  Speaker 3: That was your number?
• 20:20
  Speaker 1: Something like that, maybe. That's all right.
• 20:21
  Speaker 4: I try to block it out.
• 20:22
  Speaker 1: You did it twice.
• 20:23
  Speaker 4: The second one, nothing. Zero. Handshake deal. We split like $ 2, 500.
• 20:28
  Speaker 4: Everybody should get a divorce like my second divorce.
• 20:30
  Speaker 1: That's amazing.
• 20:31
  Speaker 3: How did it come down to a handshake deal?
• 20:33
  Speaker 4: Because we just talked it out. We're like, I want
• 20:35
  Speaker 4: to murder you. You want to murder me. Let's just
• 20:37
  Speaker 4: get out of this. I got an attorney. He'll do
• 20:39
  Speaker 4: both of us. She said, fine, no problem.
• 20:42
  Speaker 3: That's amazing.
• 20:43
  Speaker 1: Wow, that's rare.
• 20:44
  Speaker 4: Well, we were catching each other in the middle of
• 20:46
  Speaker 4: the night, you know, hovering with the pillow, trying to smother.
• 20:48
  Speaker 4: I would wake up. I'd wake up. She'd be above me.
• 20:51
  Speaker 4: She'd wake up. I'd be above her. So after about
• 20:53
  Speaker 4: seven or eight of those, it turned into like, I'm
• 20:57
  Speaker 4: going to the couch. I'm going to the couch. I'll
• 21:00
  Speaker 4: get us an attorney tomorrow. Everything's fine. So, yeah, I
• 21:03
  Speaker 4: think she got married again, maybe.
• 21:04
  Speaker 1: Really?
• 21:04
  Speaker 4: Yeah, it would be her fourth. I was her third.
• 21:07
  Speaker 6: No.
• 21:07
  Speaker 4: I was her third. I think she's on number four.
• 21:09
  Speaker 1: Wow. I'm not really sure.
• 21:10
  Speaker 3: You're not drinking today, Sherrod.
• 21:12
  Speaker 1: I got so hammered last night. You have no idea.
• 21:14
  Speaker 4: He came in the street hollering for tequila.
• 21:16
  Speaker 1: You all right?
• 21:18
  Speaker 3: I need water.
• 21:19
  Speaker 1: I need water.
• 21:19
  Speaker 3: It's only going to take one sip and then he's
• 21:21
  Speaker 3: going to be back in. There used to be water.
• 21:23
  Speaker 4: It's moonshine now.
• 21:26
  Speaker 1: Don't forget drinking moonshine like you Uncle Jesse from the
• 21:28
  Speaker 1: Dukes of Hazzard.
• 21:29
  Speaker 3: Fucking charade's in shape.
• 21:30
  Speaker 4: That charade looks great, man.
• 21:31
  Speaker 3: Doing that biking.
• 21:32
  Speaker 1: Biking a lot. Trying on that fucking bike. I look good.
• 21:35
  Speaker 4: Vic looks good.
• 21:35
  Speaker 1: You're Opie. Everybody looks good.
• 21:37
  Speaker 3: Opie's here.
• 21:38
  Speaker 2: I'm going to have to fight my way out of
• 21:43
  Speaker 2: this one today.
• 21:44
  Speaker 1: You're boxed in. Oh, great.
• 21:46
  Speaker 3: It's going to be up to me now.
• 21:49
  Speaker 1: Oh, man. Yeah, last night was a long one.
• 21:51
  Speaker 4: You know what, Vic, you say about that shit about
• 21:53
  Speaker 4: holding the pillow? No. I remember when things were just
• 21:55
  Speaker 4: complete war of the roses.
• 21:58
  Speaker 1: I sleep like a– well, I don't really sleep. I
• 22:00
  Speaker 1: pass out or almost die. You know what I mean?
• 22:02
  Speaker 5: So I open my eye, and there's my ex-wife holding
• 22:07
  Speaker 5: my pants, like going through the pockets.
• 22:09
  Speaker 1: Oh, God.
• 22:10
  Speaker 4: Really?
• 22:11
  Speaker 5: And I open one eye and go, I spent it all.
• 22:18
  Speaker 1: And she throws my pants on my head. Oh, that's great.
• 22:21
  Speaker 3: Oh, that's wonderful.
• 22:21
  Speaker 4: Too late, sucker.
• 22:22
  Speaker 3: Too late, sucker.
• 22:24
  Speaker 1: She was half your age. That's wonderful. Catch her red-handed.
• 22:28
  Speaker 1: She's just frozen there.
• 22:29
  Speaker 4: Oh, God, that's wonderful.
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: She's trembling in her press-on nails, just staring at me.
• 22:34
  Speaker 1: That is so good. I already spent it all.
• 22:36
  Speaker 4: Have a good day.
• 22:37
  Speaker 1: Going through your pockets. Going through the whole thing. Yeah.
• 22:41
  Speaker 3: Just trying to find what you can.
• 22:42
  Speaker 1: Just taking what you can.
• 22:43
  Speaker 4: You never had that happen, have you?
• 22:45
  Speaker 6: No, I usually, me and Tone, back in high school,
• 22:47
  Speaker 6: we used to go through my cousin's pockets to get
• 22:49
  Speaker 6: lunch money every day. Because he lived right off the
• 22:51
  Speaker 6: block from my high school. At lunch, I used to
• 22:53
  Speaker 6: go right to Chrissy's house, nigga. His pants all over
• 22:55
  Speaker 6: the floor, so you know it's money in there. I'd
• 22:57
  Speaker 6: come out with $ 200, buy my friend's lunch.
• 22:59
  Speaker 3: Like, fuck, I.
• 23:00
  Speaker 1: Did that every day.
• 23:02
  Speaker 4: He didn't miss a dollar.
• 23:04
  Speaker 1: He didn't give a fuck about it. He didn't give
• 23:05
  Speaker 1: a fuck. That's awesome. Every pair of jeans on the
• 23:07
  Speaker 1: ground had money in them.
• 23:08
  Speaker 3: That's good.
• 23:09
  Speaker 1: That's awesome. It's all right, man. That's a good life.
• 23:12
  Speaker 3: You want another drink there, Vic?
• 23:13
  Speaker 4: I never had one. I'm going to get a beer
• 23:14
  Speaker 4: in a second. I'm trying to decide what I should
• 23:16
  Speaker 4: start with.
• 23:16
  Speaker 2: Dave had a kid, by the way, from Get Parts.
• 23:19
  Speaker 3: We haven't seen Dave.
• 23:20
  Speaker 4: In a while.
• 23:20
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 23:21
  Speaker 4: Three months old.
• 23:22
  Speaker 3: Three months old.
• 23:22
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 23:23
  Speaker 3: You got it, and she got chicken pox.
• 23:26
  Speaker 1: Wait, that was the three-month-old who had the chicken pox? Yes!
• 23:29
  Speaker 3: We haven't seen Dave in a while.
• 23:30
  Speaker 2: He was the original hookup here, and then we fell
• 23:33
  Speaker 2: in love with Matt as well, who owns the place.
• 23:35
  Speaker 3: But Dave had a kid. His daughter's three months old,
• 23:38
  Speaker 3: and she already had chicken pox.
• 23:40
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and a.
• 23:41
  Speaker 2: Bad-ass stomach virus that made her puke and shit about
• 23:46
  Speaker 2: two weeks later.
• 23:47
  Speaker 3: That's a lot to deal with.
• 23:50
  Speaker 4: Got everybody sick but you.
• 23:52
  Speaker 1: Me, the guy with the two thumbs.
• 23:54
  Speaker 4: Strong. Everybody went down. The family's wearing diapers together. Except
• 23:59
  Speaker 4: for him.
• 24:00
  Speaker 2: Right.
• 24:00
  Speaker 4: He's the only one.
• 24:01
  Speaker 3: That is strong, man.
• 24:03
  Speaker 1: Chickenpox at three months?
• 24:04
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 24:05
  Speaker 3: That's crazy, right?
• 24:06
  Speaker 1: That's some ghetto shit.
• 24:07
  Speaker 4: Did she scream a lot because she wouldn't know to itch?
• 24:09
  Speaker 3: Not at all.
• 24:10
  Speaker 4: She didn't do anything. She just chilled.
• 24:11
  Speaker 1: She was chill. She doesn't know what itching and scratching is. Wow,
• 24:14
  Speaker 1: that's great.
• 24:16
  Speaker 4: I mean, you're... If you're going to– I mean, that's lucky.
• 24:19
  Speaker 4: You get it out of the way and it didn't
• 24:20
  Speaker 4: cause her any pain.
• 24:21
  Speaker 3: Yeah, they say get it young, but not that young.
• 24:23
  Speaker 4: Yeah, I wouldn't say.
• 24:24
  Speaker 3: No, that's crazy. Now, I got a question.
• 24:28
  Speaker 2: So when we were growing up, me and Vic especially,
• 24:31
  Speaker 2: I think all of us are in that world where
• 24:34
  Speaker 2: our sick parents would fucking make you have a play
• 24:37
  Speaker 2: date with the kid.
• 24:38
  Speaker 3: That had the chicken pox to get it out of
• 24:39
  Speaker 3: the way.
• 24:39
  Speaker 1: Yeah, they would fuck around with that.
• 24:41
  Speaker 4: Mumps and chicken pox.
• 24:42
  Speaker 1: Mumps!
• 24:43
  Speaker 4: And mumps, measles, and chicken pox. You just exposed everybody.
• 24:47
  Speaker 4: I'm not vested to mumps.
• 24:49
  Speaker 6: I think mumps was already, you know, got rid of
• 24:52
  Speaker 6: it when I was a child.
• 24:53
  Speaker 4: HIV. You exposed everybody to HIV.
• 24:57
  Speaker 3: And I'm going to go with this old gag. How
• 24:59
  Speaker 3: old are you, Kevin?
• 25:01
  Speaker 1: Mumps.
• 25:02
  Speaker 3: Scurvy.
• 25:03
  Speaker 1: Scurvy, my grandparents.
• 25:04
  Speaker 4: Rickets.
• 25:05
  Speaker 3: Rickets.
• 25:07
  Speaker 2: I'll acknowledge I'm old, but I'm not mumps old.
• 25:10
  Speaker 3: I'm not mumps old.
• 25:11
  Speaker 1: Kevin had great depression disease.
• 25:14
  Speaker 2: But do you remember, like, your parents, or in my case,
• 25:17
  Speaker 2: it was my mom, all of a sudden you're having
• 25:19
  Speaker 2: a play date. They call them play dates now. You know,
• 25:21
  Speaker 2: go to this kid's house that you would never play with. Like,
• 25:24
  Speaker 2: why the fuck am I over here? And next thing
• 25:25
  Speaker 2: you know, you got chicken pox.
• 25:27
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 25:27
  Speaker 2: Because they want to get it out of the way.
• 25:30
  Speaker 3: I assume they.
• 25:30
  Speaker 1: Don't do that anymore. I don't know.
• 25:32
  Speaker 4: It's still a good idea.
• 25:33
  Speaker 3: I don't see people with chicken pox.
• 25:35
  Speaker 4: If you've got three kids and they're three, five, and seven,
• 25:37
  Speaker 4: and the seven-year-old gets it, you're going to go make
• 25:39
  Speaker 4: the other two sit in their lap.
• 25:40
  Speaker 1: Yeah, my sister had it, but I never got it.
• 25:43
  Speaker 3: You never got the chicken pox. So I think you
• 25:45
  Speaker 3: could still get it as an adult. Oh, yeah.
• 25:47
  Speaker 4: Absolutely. I don't have kids anymore.
• 25:48
  Speaker 1: I'm going to buy a Beamer.
• 25:53
  Speaker 4: With their college fund. Merry Christmas, everybody. What was going
• 25:56
  Speaker 4: to be, I spent it all. I spent it all.
• 25:59
  Speaker 4: It's already gone. College fund, already gone.
• 26:02
  Speaker 3: Already gone.
• 26:03
  Speaker 4: There's nobody in my immediate circle that's going to college.
• 26:06
  Speaker 3: Touche.
• 26:07
  Speaker 1: All right.
• 26:08
  Speaker 2: They're saving a lot of money on that there, Carl, huh?
• 26:10
  Speaker 3: Can I tell you the story?
• 26:11
  Speaker 5: So a really funny story. I'm sitting with a very
• 26:14
  Speaker 5: rich guy who collects Ferraris and And this is when
• 26:18
  Speaker 5: I first broke up with that monster. Lucifer, Satan, Beelzebub.
• 26:24
  Speaker 5: So I'm telling him the story, and he's literally on
• 26:28
  Speaker 5: his phone. And I'm like, yo, bro, seriously? I'm going
• 26:32
  Speaker 5: to neck punch you. Like, I'm telling you, seriously, my
• 26:34
  Speaker 5: shit's falling apart. Turns around, and it's his calculator, and
• 26:39
  Speaker 5: it says 695,000.
• 26:40
  Speaker 1: And he goes.
• 26:43
  Speaker 1: That's how much you save by not having children. You're
• 26:45
  Speaker 1: paying for dinner. Oh, wow.
• 26:48
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 26:52
  Speaker 1: That's brilliant. That's true. That is brilliant.
• 26:56
  Speaker 4: You buy 300 grand a kid. Something like that is
• 26:58
  Speaker 4: what they say.
• 26:58
  Speaker 1: Quietly, he was just figuring out the numbers. He just
• 27:00
  Speaker 1: turned it around. He was like, you got dinner, bro.
• 27:02
  Speaker 1: You're good. You got that.
• 27:04
  Speaker 4: Suddenly I feel a lot happier now.
• 27:05
  Speaker 5: And then I became like an urban legend and everybody
• 27:08
  Speaker 5: found out, you know, I made it through.
• 27:09
  Speaker 1: You know what I mean? I made it and kept
• 27:10
  Speaker 1: my lifestyle.
• 27:12
  Speaker 4: I was in my town the other day and people
• 27:14
  Speaker 4: were walking by.
• 27:14
  Speaker 1: Like, Rudy!
• 27:17
  Speaker 4: What does a girl like real teeth look like?
• 27:20
  Speaker 1: Oh, they're beautiful. That's hilarious.
• 27:23
  Speaker 4: My niece told me, my mom's birthday was last week,
• 27:26
  Speaker 4: and my niece and my brother took my mom to dinner,
• 27:28
  Speaker 4: and they ran into the Henleys. We don't ever see
• 27:30
  Speaker 4: the Henleys out of the family. There's only one left.
• 27:33
  Speaker 4: Don Henley is the only one alive. I know him.
• 27:37
  Speaker 4: Big fan. So they run into my cousin, who's like
• 27:41
  Speaker 4: 52 years old. He's about five years younger than me.
• 27:44
  Speaker 4: And nobody knows this. My older brother hasn't seen him
• 27:46
  Speaker 4: since he was two years old. And here he comes
• 27:47
  Speaker 4: walking over. He's like, Terry. And Terry's like, who the
• 27:49
  Speaker 4: fuck are you? He goes, I'm Doug Henley. And he goes, oh,
• 27:52
  Speaker 4: God damn. He goes, let me go get my mom
• 27:57
  Speaker 4: and dad. And Terry's like, don't. They were leaving. They
• 28:00
  Speaker 4: were by the cash register. He just goes, don't. So
• 28:03
  Speaker 4: my niece thought this was rude. So she tells me
• 28:05
  Speaker 4: later on the phone, she's like, why was he mean
• 28:07
  Speaker 4: to him? I go, we don't know them. We haven't
• 28:08
  Speaker 4: seen any of them forever. And it was just the
• 28:11
  Speaker 4: craziest thing to, ugh. Creepy, creepy, creepy. So my niece
• 28:15
  Speaker 4: finally goes, why didn't you have... She goes, is that
• 28:16
  Speaker 4: why you didn't have any kids? I'm like, yes. The
• 28:18
  Speaker 4: Henley shit had to stop somewhere. It had to stop somewhere.
• 28:22
  Speaker 4: So it was a good choice by me.
• 28:23
  Speaker 1: Good for you, man. And there's only one left?
• 28:26
  Speaker 4: My uncle's the only one left out of all my
• 28:27
  Speaker 4: dad's brothers and sisters.
• 28:28
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 28:28
  Speaker 4: And so, yeah, Don Henley's the only one alive. And
• 28:30
  Speaker 4: he's got his two kids. So they'd be the last two.
• 28:34
  Speaker 4: My cousin Doug, he's telling some story.
• 28:37
  Speaker 3: Those stories got to be bad that he never wanted
• 28:39
  Speaker 3: to have kids.
• 28:40
  Speaker 1: Oh, I know. It's awful. Fucking white trash.
• 28:45
  Speaker 4: My niece was dying laughing. He was a minister. Don
• 28:48
  Speaker 4: Henley was a minister.
• 28:49
  Speaker 1: A minister.
• 28:50
  Speaker 4: And he was a minister for 30-something years, and he
• 28:52
  Speaker 4: wasn't a hellfire and brimstone guy. He was a kind
• 28:54
  Speaker 4: of just teach you a lesson, kind of calm. Nobody
• 28:56
  Speaker 4: minded it. I wouldn't bother anybody. That's what he was doing.
• 29:00
  Speaker 4: He not only was having an affair with one woman,
• 29:02
  Speaker 4: he was sleeping with like nine women in the congregation.
• 29:05
  Speaker 4: My aunt catches him and says, we will keep the
• 29:07
  Speaker 4: marriage together, but you got to get out of this
• 29:09
  Speaker 4: and do something else. So he got into food. He
• 29:11
  Speaker 4: went to work for Shoney's.
• 29:12
  Speaker 1: Oh, yeah.
• 29:13
  Speaker 4: Big boy.
• 29:13
  Speaker 3: Yeah. Now he's in my world.
• 29:16
  Speaker 4: So I'm in college. I don't know this. The last
• 29:17
  Speaker 4: time I had seen him was at my cousin, his
• 29:19
  Speaker 4: daughter's wedding, where he was presiding over the ceremony. Dearly beloved,
• 29:23
  Speaker 4: he's doing my cousin's wedding. Three months later, all the
• 29:26
  Speaker 4: bad shit happened. She caught him. I'm home. Go to
• 29:29
  Speaker 4: the buffet, 2.30 in the morning with my drunken ass friends.
• 29:31
  Speaker 4: There's Uncle Don in the shit brown polyester uniform with
• 29:34
  Speaker 4: the paper hat. Oh, my God. And I go walking in,
• 29:36
  Speaker 4: and I'm like, Uncle Don? And he's like, I'll explain
• 29:39
  Speaker 4: to you later. I'll explain to you later. He takes
• 29:41
  Speaker 4: me to the back and he tells me later when
• 29:44
  Speaker 4: we're leaving that I just lost my passion. I thought
• 29:46
  Speaker 4: I was hypocritical to tell people to get right with God. And,
• 29:48
  Speaker 4: I just didn't like it, and I just wanted to
• 29:50
  Speaker 4: get tired of it. So I'm doing this now. And
• 29:52
  Speaker 4: then a couple months more, I'm back working the club,
• 29:54
  Speaker 4: and I run into the cousin, and he goes, that's bullshit.
• 29:56
  Speaker 4: He was fucking like nine women.
• 30:00
  Speaker 3: Wow.
• 30:00
  Speaker 4: So he literally within three months went from dearly beloved,
• 30:03
  Speaker 4: we are gathered here today, to you want extra mini muffins?
• 30:06
  Speaker 1: Oh, my God.
• 30:08
  Speaker 3: That's all you need to know about organized religion.
• 30:10
  Speaker 2: You go from being the pastor to working at a
• 30:12
  Speaker 2: big boy.
• 30:13
  Speaker 4: Right, exactly.
• 30:14
  Speaker 3: And she thought that would stop his cheating?
• 30:16
  Speaker 4: Well, and he only made it in the food world
• 30:18
  Speaker 4: for about five years, and he went back to preaching.
• 30:20
  Speaker 4: He's been preaching again now for 27 years.
• 30:21
  Speaker 3: Oh, he's been back doing it.
• 30:23
  Speaker 1: Is he still throwing dick at people?
• 30:24
  Speaker 4: I guess he is. I don't know. I haven't checked it.
• 30:25
  Speaker 3: He's 82.
• 30:25
  Speaker 1: In Cuba, we call that the Holy Spirit. They get
• 30:30
  Speaker 1: a lot of pussy, these guys.
• 30:31
  Speaker 3: All of it. All of it.
• 30:34
  Speaker 1: Whenever you got to have a private meeting in the back. Oh, absolutely.
• 30:37
  Speaker 1: That's something going on. Yes.
• 30:38
  Speaker 3: That's why you got to let those priests marry, man.
• 30:41
  Speaker 1: Oh, that's number one.
• 30:42
  Speaker 2: You got to get it done. You got to get
• 30:43
  Speaker 2: it done. I mean, that's the only thing that'll stop
• 30:46
  Speaker 2: that shit.
• 30:46
  Speaker 3: Or slow it down.
• 30:47
  Speaker 1: Stop them from touching kids or fucking.
• 30:51
  Speaker 3: It'll slow it down. It'll knock the numbers down a
• 30:53
  Speaker 3: little bit.
• 30:54
  Speaker 4: Yeah. Right?
• 30:55
  Speaker 1: Maybe. Maybe. A little bit.
• 30:56
  Speaker 4: I don't know.
• 30:57
  Speaker 3: I'm not saying it's going to cure the whole thing.
• 30:58
  Speaker 3: If you're a predator and you're choosing to.
• 31:00
  Speaker 4: Use the church as your highway into predation.
• 31:02
  Speaker 2: I do understand that part.
• 31:07
  Speaker 3: I don't know.
• 31:09
  Speaker 4: The road to predation. That's what you were thinking of.
• 31:12
  Speaker 4: Tom Hanks.
• 31:13
  Speaker 1: Tom Hanks.
• 31:13
  Speaker 4: The Road to Predation.
• 31:15
  Speaker 3: And his little son.
• 31:16
  Speaker 4: Different movie.
• 31:16
  Speaker 3: But do you think that's happening?
• 31:18
  Speaker 1: The Road to Predation.
• 31:18
  Speaker 2: Do you think that's happening in all religions? So that's
• 31:21
  Speaker 2: my point, that Catholicism happens a lot.
• 31:24
  Speaker 1: Is it happening in.
• 31:25
  Speaker 4: I don't know. I'm sure every sector has its own scandal.
• 31:28
  Speaker 3: That's why my theory is.
• 31:29
  Speaker 1: It's all the same thing.
• 31:31
  Speaker 3: No, all right.
• 31:32
  Speaker 4: If it's made by man, it's corrupted by man.
• 31:34
  Speaker 1: But to Vic's point.
• 31:35
  Speaker 3: Carl the philosopher. To Vic's point, now I've got to
• 31:38
  Speaker 3: explain myself a little bit.
• 31:39
  Speaker 2: Because priests aren't allowed to get married, then it attracts
• 31:44
  Speaker 2: a kind.
• 31:45
  Speaker 4: Well, that's what I was sort of saying. I was
• 31:46
  Speaker 4: sort of saying that, yeah.
• 31:47
  Speaker 2: But what I was saying, if you let them marry,
• 31:49
  Speaker 2: the person that's a predator, that shit goes away.
• 31:52
  Speaker 3: No, I don't believe that. But if you let them
• 31:54
  Speaker 3: get married, then you're going to get a better quality priest.
• 31:56
  Speaker 4: Well, here's the thing.
• 31:57
  Speaker 1: I cleared that up a little bit.
• 31:59
  Speaker 5: The idea of priests not getting married has nothing to
• 32:02
  Speaker 5: do with religion.
• 32:03
  Speaker 4: It has everything to do with economies of scale, right?
• 32:05
  Speaker 5: So when the Roman Catholic religion started to become organized,
• 32:09
  Speaker 5: what happened was the people that ran the church realized
• 32:11
  Speaker 5: that when you die, your kids will get the.
• 32:16
  Speaker 1: Land, right?
• 32:17
  Speaker 4: So priests used to have land and landowners.
• 32:19
  Speaker 1: So the easiest.
• 32:20
  Speaker 4: Way for the Roman Catholic Church to stop that and
• 32:24
  Speaker 4: them be the.
• 32:24
  Speaker 5: Rich ones was not let you get married. That way
• 32:26
  Speaker 5: you had no next of kin. That way all your
• 32:29
  Speaker 5: land went to.
• 32:29
  Speaker 4: Goes back to them. Goes back to the church. And
• 32:31
  Speaker 4: that's why they're the largest real estate holders in the world.
• 32:33
  Speaker 3: That's where that shit started.
• 32:35
  Speaker 5: Yeah, so an ill-conceived... An idea built on land grabbing.
• 32:42
  Speaker 4: What do you think is going to happen? Next thing
• 32:44
  Speaker 4: you know, you've got the Barnum and Bailey's of pedophile.
• 32:46
  Speaker 4: 60 Minutes had a show a couple of weeks ago,
• 32:48
  Speaker 4: and it was the dude, he was just abusing women.
• 32:50
  Speaker 4: It was another bad Catholic story. But the dude was
• 32:53
  Speaker 4: taking advantage of nuns.
• 32:55
  Speaker 1: Good for him. You know what? You've got to give
• 32:57
  Speaker 1: him some credit where credit's due.
• 32:58
  Speaker 4: For a second, I'm like, why am I happy? Because
• 33:01
  Speaker 4: this is sick and awful, and yet I'm going, well,
• 33:03
  Speaker 4: it's about time it was a woman instead of a
• 33:06
  Speaker 4: little kid. But it's just an equally ugly, horrible story.
• 33:10
  Speaker 4: But for a second, I was like, oh, a rom-com.
• 33:14
  Speaker 4: There's a twist. My best friend's wedding.
• 33:22
  Speaker 1: Is your friend this? Pulling up a radio outside of Nunswood.
• 33:25
  Speaker 1: Pulling up a radio outside of Nunswood.
• 33:26
  Speaker 3: All right.
• 33:27
  Speaker 4: There you go.
• 33:28
  Speaker 1: I was right waiting on you.
• 33:29
  Speaker 4: Say anything.
• 33:30
  Speaker 3: Say anything.
• 33:31
  Speaker 1: That's right. I'm going to give you the Holy Spirit.
• 33:33
  Speaker 3: That's right.
• 33:34
  Speaker 1: Oh, God.
• 33:35
  Speaker 4: Oh, God.
• 33:35
  Speaker 1: What were we talking about? We went off on that tangent.
• 33:38
  Speaker 3: Yeah, whatever.
• 33:38
  Speaker 4: A great what happened to me a while ago, or
• 33:41
  Speaker 4: maybe tomorrow or yesterday.
• 33:42
  Speaker 1: So I've got to be careful because people listen to
• 33:44
  Speaker 1: the podcast. Yeah.
• 33:46
  Speaker 5: So my mother gives this girl... But my mother lives
• 33:50
  Speaker 5: in this apartment building in Miami. Her neighbor has a
• 33:54
  Speaker 5: daughter that's kind of my age.
• 33:56
  Speaker 1: Okay. So my mother sends me a text.
• 33:58
  Speaker 5: Hey, I gave my neighbor your phone number because her
• 34:03
  Speaker 5: daughter's in New York.
• 34:05
  Speaker 1: Oh, God.
• 34:05
  Speaker 4: So I'm like, Mom, listen, you can't do that shit.
• 34:09
  Speaker 1: You know what I mean? So as I'm yelling at
• 34:11
  Speaker 1: her on text messages... Stop yelling at your mother, yo.
• 34:13
  Speaker 1: I yell at her all the time. You're the worst.
• 34:15
  Speaker 3: I pay for everything.
• 34:17
  Speaker 1: I say what I want.
• 34:17
  Speaker 4: I do what I want.
• 34:18
  Speaker 1: I do what I want.
• 34:19
  Speaker 4: I do what I want. Every time she says something
• 34:22
  Speaker 4: to me, I'm like, you want electricity next month?
• 34:25
  Speaker 1: Simmer down.
• 34:27
  Speaker 4: Simmer down now. What year do you want to live in?
• 34:29
  Speaker 1: You want to live in 1840? We can make that happen.
• 34:32
  Speaker 1: You're the worst. So.
• 34:36
  Speaker 4: Miami in 1840 for the Cubans.
• 34:38
  Speaker 1: It was normal.
• 34:39
  Speaker 4: Because back then we were just mosquitoes.
• 34:43
  Speaker 1: Give me a Jim Beam. I can't do more moonshine
• 34:44
  Speaker 1: because I'm going to start batting on shit.
• 34:46
  Speaker 5: So I get a text from the girl. And I'm
• 34:50
  Speaker 5: at a bar on 13th Street.
• 34:52
  Speaker 1: And I get a text from the girl.
• 34:53
  Speaker 4: And she's like, hey, I'm whatever.
• 34:56
  Speaker 1: I'm friends with your mom.
• 34:58
  Speaker 4: And I'm like, all right, cool.
• 34:59
  Speaker 1: You know what I mean?
• 35:00
  Speaker 4: I'm like, I don't want nothing to do with you.
• 35:02
  Speaker 1: So she sends me a link to her Instagram and
• 35:04
  Speaker 1: I'm like, Oh, here we go. Ah, she was a cutie,
• 35:08
  Speaker 1: wasn't she?
• 35:09
  Speaker 5: I fucking sharpened my little finger. I was like, Which
• 35:15
  Speaker 5: apartment is your mother?
• 35:18
  Speaker 1: And she's like, oh, she's in 331.
• 35:19
  Speaker 5: I'm like, I love your mother.
• 35:25
  Speaker 4: You didn't text your mom real quick and get a name?
• 35:26
  Speaker 5: No, because I had to go radio science now because
• 35:28
  Speaker 5: I knew what I was going to do. So you've
• 35:30
  Speaker 5: got to go deep and dark.
• 35:31
  Speaker 1: Hunt for Red October.
• 35:32
  Speaker 4: That's it.
• 35:33
  Speaker 3: No more.
• 35:33
  Speaker 4: You've got to go deep and dark. All you have
• 35:36
  Speaker 4: to worry about is the girl now, right? And you
• 35:38
  Speaker 4: can't have your mother involved.
• 35:39
  Speaker 1: No. Nothing. Actually, that's a rule of thumb for life.
• 35:42
  Speaker 5: If you're about to have sex, don't even think about
• 35:44
  Speaker 5: your mother or calling or nothing.
• 35:46
  Speaker 4: It'll ruin everything. So she shows up to the restaurant.
• 35:50
  Speaker 1: Fucking dime piece from Miami. Nice. And she's only here overnight. Perfect.
• 35:56
  Speaker 1: So I start slowly, like.
• 35:57
  Speaker 4: I'm like, oh, my God, like, how'd you get here?
• 35:59
  Speaker 4: She's like, oh, cab, I'm on 33rd Street. I'm like, oh,
• 36:01
  Speaker 4: she's at one of those Groupon hotels. Perfect.
• 36:04
  Speaker 1: Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha. She ain't got no money.
• 36:08
  Speaker 3: She ain't got no money.
• 36:09
  Speaker 1: She's in Little Korea. So she's in Little Korea, right? Yeah.
• 36:13
  Speaker 4: Literally, her hair smells like soy sauce.
• 36:18
  Speaker 1: And I'm like, all right, she has no money. It's
• 36:21
  Speaker 1: time to hit the gas. So I go, this is
• 36:23
  Speaker 1: your first time in New York? She goes, yeah. I said,
• 36:26
  Speaker 1: let's see the real New York. And then on set,
• 36:29
  Speaker 1: 600 in. She's like, I want to go home. I'm like,
• 36:31
  Speaker 1: I know you do.
• 36:32
  Speaker 4: But we're not done yet. You still know my name.
• 36:36
  Speaker 4: We have to keep going until you forget my name.
• 36:37
  Speaker 1: Exactly. When she was like, hey, hey, guy. I'm like, perfect.
• 36:41
  Speaker 4: Yeah. Well, that was my friend. Circle back to the
• 36:44
  Speaker 4: girl from Nantucket. She sends me a text. She's like, hey, you.
• 36:54
  Speaker 4: What's the Cuban's name? And we're like, smiley face. And
• 36:59
  Speaker 4: then she sent him the same one.
• 37:01
  Speaker 1: Hey, you.
• 37:02
  Speaker 5: She writes me, hey, you, can you check the couch?
• 37:06
  Speaker 5: I think my earring is still in there. So we
• 37:09
  Speaker 5: put it together. He's like, fucking Cuban clothes.
• 37:11
  Speaker 3: This thing?
• 37:12
  Speaker 1: What's the deal on that?
• 37:13
  Speaker 4: Your mother hooked you up.
• 37:15
  Speaker 1: No, this is the one with Vic.
• 37:17
  Speaker 3: We can't keep track anymore, Carl.
• 37:20
  Speaker 4: I found her earring in my fireplace. In the fireplace?
• 37:24
  Speaker 4: They both had me looking for it. We were dancing.
• 37:29
  Speaker 5: So I put my feet up on that little metal thing.
• 37:33
  Speaker 3: I was thinking mantle. No, no.
• 37:35
  Speaker 4: Inside the fireplace. I don't know how it got inside
• 37:37
  Speaker 4: the fireplace. We all know how it got inside the fireplace.
• 37:40
  Speaker 1: I jumped out like fucking Sonic the Hedgehog.
• 37:41
  Speaker 4: No. We were dancing. Before I broke off as wingman,
• 37:46
  Speaker 4: we were dancing loudly. Near the fireplace.
• 37:49
  Speaker 1: In your apartment?
• 37:49
  Speaker 4: All three of us. Yeah, my neighbor. I got emails
• 37:51
  Speaker 4: the next day. What the fuck was going on in there?
• 37:53
  Speaker 1: Really?
• 37:54
  Speaker 4: I've been living there for almost 25 years. Only one
• 37:56
  Speaker 4: other time, and that was like 12 years ago, has
• 37:58
  Speaker 4: anyone said a word to me about noise. I was humanized.
• 38:00
  Speaker 4: He was the second time ever.
• 38:02
  Speaker 3: That was good for you, Carl.
• 38:03
  Speaker 1: Thank you very much. It's a go-getter, this one. I'm tired.
• 38:06
  Speaker 4: Hey, you, where's my earring? I'm like, in the fireplace.
• 38:09
  Speaker 3: You should have told the neighbors, go fuck themselves. I've
• 38:12
  Speaker 3: been living here for 25 fucking years.
• 38:14
  Speaker 4: I always respond with, you have my number. My phone's
• 38:17
  Speaker 4: always on. Call. I will stop it immediately. Or for
• 38:19
  Speaker 4: the one that complained, I go, walk down a flight
• 38:21
  Speaker 4: of stairs and bang on the door. I'll run the
• 38:24
  Speaker 4: sumbitches out in a second. But till then, 4.30 in
• 38:27
  Speaker 4: the morning, here goes George Clinton on 50. I'm playing
• 38:31
  Speaker 4: it as loud as this guy. Oh, yeah, absolutely.
• 38:34
  Speaker 5: And let me tell you, Mick Henley is one of
• 38:36
  Speaker 5: the best fucking wingmen because all he wants to do
• 38:38
  Speaker 5: is DJ his little ass off.
• 38:40
  Speaker 1: Yeah, he's got the hits over here.
• 38:41
  Speaker 3: Wait, you had a personal DJ for this?
• 38:42
  Speaker 4: He was DJing, and he's like, beautiful. And I would
• 38:44
  Speaker 4: just give him cues. I'm like, Mick Henley, it's time
• 38:47
  Speaker 4: for R & B.
• 38:47
  Speaker 1: He's like.
• 38:48
  Speaker 4: You got it, brother. They were both throwing out requests
• 38:50
  Speaker 4: and I was hitting them as fast as I could.
• 38:52
  Speaker 5: And I'm fucking, I literally, you couldn't even see my wrist.
• 38:54
  Speaker 4: I was so deep in this thing. I went, as
• 38:56
  Speaker 4: soon as I closed the door, I was letting in
• 38:58
  Speaker 4: there and it was, it was something rock and roll
• 39:00
  Speaker 4: was going on, you know, like the clash. But right, right,
• 39:02
  Speaker 4: right when I closed the door.
• 39:03
  Speaker 3: Straight to Luther.
• 39:05
  Speaker 4: Straight to Luther. That's what I'm talking about. I was like, oh,
• 39:10
  Speaker 4: he's fine. You hang out with Sherrod two seconds, you know,
• 39:13
  Speaker 4: 80s R & B closes any deal.
• 39:15
  Speaker 3: So you were in his apartment while he's sleeping in
• 39:18
  Speaker 3: the other room?
• 39:19
  Speaker 4: My bedroom. I let him out. I gave him free reign.
• 39:22
  Speaker 3: On that couch? Yeah, the fireplace.
• 39:24
  Speaker 1: I fried the floor.
• 39:26
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 39:27
  Speaker 3: She was great.
• 39:27
  Speaker 4: She was great. And I still don't know her name.
• 39:29
  Speaker 4: Front bathroom.
• 39:30
  Speaker 1: Don't tell me her name, man.
• 39:31
  Speaker 2: No.
• 39:31
  Speaker 4: It's like, I forgot it.
• 39:33
  Speaker 1: Frank.
• 39:35
  Speaker 4: Francis.
• 39:36
  Speaker 1: Francis. So anyway, back to the other.
• 39:39
  Speaker 4: Sorry, sorry, sorry.
• 39:41
  Speaker 1: Yeah, the other kill shot.
• 39:43
  Speaker 4: Back to your mom's hookup.
• 39:44
  Speaker 1: So I found it. Now, it's the next day.
• 39:46
  Speaker 3: Fast forward.
• 39:47
  Speaker 1: Everything was cool. You know what I mean?
• 39:49
  Speaker 3: All worked out.
• 39:50
  Speaker 4: Everything worked out. Crossed my T's, dotted my I's.
• 39:52
  Speaker 1: Everything was done. Thank you. Sean, you've been.
• 39:54
  Speaker 4: Out with me.
• 39:56
  Speaker 1: It's a very aggressive way that I go about going out.
• 39:59
  Speaker 1: He rolls through like a fucking avalanche.
• 40:02
  Speaker 6: You just see people feet up in the air with
• 40:04
  Speaker 6: skis on them.
• 40:07
  Speaker 1: That's all it is, right.
• 40:08
  Speaker 4: A yard sale. I knew the St. Bernard joke was coming.
• 40:15
  Speaker 3: I was going to do it.
• 40:16
  Speaker 1: You got to go there.
• 40:18
  Speaker 5: The next day, I get a text from my mother
• 40:21
  Speaker 5: to say, You are a monster.
• 40:24
  Speaker 3: No. Really.
• 40:25
  Speaker 4: That's all it said. You're a monster.
• 40:27
  Speaker 3: But how did she find out?
• 40:29
  Speaker 4: Because this girl is like a mama's girl.
• 40:32
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 40:32
  Speaker 2: Oh.
• 40:33
  Speaker 4: And first time in New York and told her mom.
• 40:35
  Speaker 2: Yep. Right.
• 40:36
  Speaker 1: Oh, my God. I told her this dude is amazing.
• 40:38
  Speaker 4: So they're at the pool down at the Parker Plaza
• 40:41
  Speaker 4: in Allendale, Florida.
• 40:42
  Speaker 1: Big shout. Doing their water aerobics.
• 40:44
  Speaker 3: Exactly.
• 40:45
  Speaker 4: They're doing water Zumba, and they're like, hey, by the way,
• 40:47
  Speaker 4: your son spearfished my daughter. Ya punda! He harpooned her.
• 41:00
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I harpooned her. And then she was like, you're
• 41:03
  Speaker 1: a monster.
• 41:04
  Speaker 4: I'm the embarrassment of the thing.
• 41:06
  Speaker 2: What?
• 41:07
  Speaker 1: She thought you was going to do. You're her son.
• 41:08
  Speaker 1: She knows how you roll.
• 41:09
  Speaker 4: Oh, she thought I was changed, changed man.
• 41:11
  Speaker 1: Because I've been lying to her for like the last
• 41:12
  Speaker 1: 10 years. Oh, there we go. So she doesn't even
• 41:15
  Speaker 1: know Carl. She thought I'm completely reformed.
• 41:17
  Speaker 4: Meanwhile, I'm literally setting things on fire like a little
• 41:20
  Speaker 4: kid still.
• 41:21
  Speaker 1: God have mercy. Has the girl come back to New
• 41:23
  Speaker 1: York after that? Two weeks. There you go.
• 41:26
  Speaker 4: All right.
• 41:27
  Speaker 3: Carl's on a run.
• 41:28
  Speaker 4: What does she do for a business? Was she here
• 41:30
  Speaker 4: on a vacation?
• 41:34
  Speaker 1: Whatever it is, it's not very lucrative.
• 41:37
  Speaker 4: It's Koreatown Hotel.
• 41:39
  Speaker 5: The only way I can handle more Mandy's clothes is
• 41:42
  Speaker 5: if I work there.
• 41:46
  Speaker 1: Jesus.
• 41:48
  Speaker 3: Wow.
• 41:48
  Speaker 1: Wowee.
• 41:49
  Speaker 4: He's on a roll.
• 41:51
  Speaker 1: He's on a roll. Want to take a cigarette break?
• 41:53
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 41:57
  Speaker 1: You all.
• 41:58
  Speaker 3: He's taking a cigarette break. I'm going to take a pee.
• 42:02
  Speaker 4: I'm going to finish my peels.
• 42:03
  Speaker 1: Wrap it up, Joey.
• 42:04
  Speaker 3: No, no, no.
• 42:05
  Speaker 4: We still got... Joey, wrap it up.
• 42:07
  Speaker 3: Joey, take us home.
• 42:09
  Speaker 1: We're going to the bar. Joey, we're going to the
• 42:12
  Speaker 1: city bar. Wrap it up. Joey, we're out of here.
• 42:15
  Speaker 3: Wrap it up. We're at Gephardt's on the Upper West
• 42:19
  Speaker 3: Side of Manhattan. Find yourself in New York City. It's
• 42:22
  Speaker 3: 72nd Street, just off Broadway. It's a great place, man.
• 42:25
  Speaker 4: If you're single, come down, say hi to Carl and friends.
• 42:28
  Speaker 1: Wrap it up, Joey. We're going home.
• 42:29
  Speaker 4: We could do a little more.
• 42:33
  Speaker 3: We'll do a little more. Actually, we'll put Joey on
• 42:37
  Speaker 3: the spot, Carl. Let's put him on the spot and
• 42:40
  Speaker 3: make him play a song.
• 42:41
  Speaker 2: Because whatever we say on this podcast, he has to do. Joey,
• 42:43
  Speaker 2: play us a song, and we're going to continue with
• 42:45
  Speaker 2: this podcast with my pals Carl, the Cuban.
• 42:50
  Speaker 3: We're going to continue from Gap Hearts.
• 42:52
  Speaker 4: We're just taking a quick break.
• 42:53
  Speaker 3: Joey, you've got to play something.
• 42:54
  Speaker 1: Wrap it up. Wrap it up. Wrap the strap.
• 42:59
  Speaker 4: Wrap it up.
• 43:02
  Speaker 1: I take it.
• 43:03
  Speaker 4: Wrap it up, I take it Wrap it up, I
• 43:11
  Speaker 4: take it Wrap it up, I take.
• 43:15
  Speaker 1: It Thanks for the request.
• 43:32
  Speaker 3: I'm here all week, wrapping it up to take care
• 43:34
  Speaker 3: of business.