Latest / WOC and Allies: Business and Career Realtalk with Elaine Lou Cartas / 130: Strengthening Communication in High-Stakes and Contentious Discussions

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130: Strengthening Communication in High-Stakes and Contentious Discussions · WOC and Allies: Business and Career Realtalk with Elaine Lou Cartas

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Communication and high stakes work.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: Elaine, why are you using corporate words right now?
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: I want to listen to this podcast episode while I'm driving, working out, washing dishes, whatever you're doing.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: So why am I talking about communications and high stakes work?
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: So a little let me tell you where I'm sitting right now before we get there.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: I am actually in my childhood bedroom.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'm being such a good oldest daughter.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: I went with my dad to a doctor's appointment, or he's completely fine.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: But you know, if you're a daughter, you like being there for your parents.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm wrapped up in my old college blanket.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: I went to UC Irvine, go an eaters.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: And the reason why I'm sharing all of this as I'm looking at my vision board right now.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: In my PGs, I feel like a little girl.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: I'm the oldest daughter of Filipino immigrant parents.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm hoping my mom or dad does not come knocking on my door saying, Elaine, what are you doing?
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: Which means I was born into high stakes.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: If you know, you know, right?
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: High expectations, high responsibility, high awareness of what everyone and everything is doing.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: You could feel the energy of what's happening, how people are feeling, what people may say.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: I also worked in political campaigns.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: I lived and traveled around the country.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: I was like on a flight once a week, and I've raised millions of dollars, specifically 11 million dollars.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: And I had to learn how to navigate rooms where every word, every moment mattered.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: So high-stakes communication isn't just this textbook study.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: It's lived.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: And for most of my career, before I became a coach, a podcast host, where you're listening to this podcast right now, I was often the only.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: The only woman, the only woman of color, the only person of color, often the youngest in the room.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, I'm Asian, so Asian don't reason, but often always perceived younger than I am, and not with as much experience.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: And I'll be honest, knowing that, right, consciously being aware of the unfortunate subconscious bias, it's why I showcase my 300 plus client reviews, and I continue to share it at elanelew.com slash testimonials.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: And here is what I have learned.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: I am not responsible for educating people from their unconscious bias or misconceptions, but I am responsible for how I respond, and that's power.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of leaders come to work with me because they can always feel and sense that tension too.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: And when rooms get messy, high stakes, something shifts.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: And I just wanted to do this podcast because I've been hearing this trend of a lot of leaders coming to me wanting to work with me.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: Here's some exact quotes I wanted to share so that you know you're not alone.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: There's probably a reason why you clicked on listening to this podcast episode.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: So last year I had a utilities company reach out to me and say, hey, we're looking for a dynamic, interactive, and skill-building workshop that will strengthen our members' communication and presentation abilities in professional and public settings.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: And then I had a leader at a very well-known tech company, you would know.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not going to say the name.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: I also unfortunately had to turn them down just because I am going on vacation and the retreat dates don't work.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: But they were sharing with me that their senior managers and directors are presenting more frequently to executive leadership and navigating complex, sometimes contentious discussions, and they'd like to invest in their communication presentation skills.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: Then if you're a small business owner, you might relate to what this business owner shared.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: I want to be more, I want to have more meaningful connections in the work environment, organize complex ideas and articulate them concisely, and have my words hold more weight.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: And one more, a lead another leader from the nonprofit sector.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: I want to grow into a leader who leads with both strength and heart, deepen my executive presence, stay grounded in challenge while inspiring others through empathy and clarity.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: All of them, different industries.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: But here's what they all want.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: Sure, they have shared all their corporate jargon, but what I'm hearing is they're needing help with confidence, clarity, executive presence, influence, the ability to manage difficult conversations, and how to use their words and their body language to be well respected.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: So in this episode, I'll be sharing tips, I'll be sharing scripts, you're gonna want to take notes, and you're going to want to grab your coffee, tea, or boba.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: So let's drop the beat.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: And this is where a lot of high performers struggle.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: I also think, unfortunately, because of social media, aka video edits, we see people respond right away.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: But the reality is that there are video edits and people are pausing.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: And our brain moves really fast, right?
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: We see nuance, we want to connect the dots.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: But remember, respect is gained through clarity and not complexity.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: So with my conscious conversations framework, I teach context to core message to why it matters.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to remind you be okay pausing, letting someone know in a calm manner, hey, I need some time to process this.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: And then sharing.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe context is there's a deadline that's approaching, and you want to let them know, hey, as this deadline is approaching, it doesn't seem like we are not fully aligned.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: Then the core message, we need to get on the same page today.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: Why it matters?
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: Because if we miss this, we we risk losing this contract and damaging credibility.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: Then stop.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: No over-explaining, no spiraling, being direct and calm.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: And if you notice, it wasn't just the script and words I use, it was how calm I was, confident, and even stating it earlier, hey, I need some time to process this silence is a part of a delivery technique.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: Because if you keep talking and rambling, and I'm pretty sure you could think of those people where they keep rambling and rambling, your words lose weight.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: And I say this as someone who used to overexplain to prove I belonged in the room.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: And I want you to think about it.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: Remember back in school, or maybe you are in school right now, and actually, I was just at a networking event.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: I was at a networking event last week.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I was invited by NBA to go to this procurement event, and there was a lot of entertainment companies that was there.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: So you had NBC, Netflix, and there is this one individual where they just needed to make themselves known, where they just kept talking a lot.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: And it was just annoying.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: Didn't allow other people to talk.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: Yet I was in a table with an entertainment company, and I made sure I respected other people that wanted to talk to the procurement folks.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: And I shared, hey, like we met before, and they're like, Oh yeah, I remember you.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: I loved your pitch.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, and I explained what I did.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: And then everyone else around shared their business, and I was mindful of everyone else.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, hey, I have a question, and one of the questions I asked, you know, what how often can we follow up with you if there is RFP that's out?
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: I think it will just be helpful for all of us.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: And this individual just kept talking and talking.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: It was just annoying.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: And I say this because being short and concise is powerful enough.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: Being mindful of other people when you're networking and connecting is also powerful.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: And I get it.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes when conversations get difficult and contentious, we want to yell.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: We probably have grown up in households where yelling was a way for us or other people in our family to get what we want.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: But in a work setting different, there are many times where I've wanted to yell to colleagues, but I'm like, okay, let me stay calm and focus on the goal.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: What is the goal here?
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: Reminding them what the goal is and then how, what are next steps we could do.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: So there's that nonprofit leader who shared, I want to lead both with my strength and heart.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe you feel this too, right?
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: You're carrying others' emotions too deeply, absorbing stress, internalizing missteps, something goes wrong at a presentation, and your first thought, oh my God, I failed.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: Well, what I want you to do is pause first.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: And instead of so easy as humans, right, to go into self-judgment, ask, okay, what's the data here?
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: What's the lesson?
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: What's an adjustment I could do in the future?
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: Basically, like an athlete.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: High-stakes leaders don't necessarily spiral, they adjust and adapt like an athlete.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: So for example, I was doing this yoga position in yoga class last week.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: Sorry if it's sound very LA.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: And I tripped and fell.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, okay, what am I not doing right here?
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, oh, I'm not, I'm not breathing right.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like doing short, but I need to let me do a deep breath in, a deep breath out, being really calm, focusing on one thing.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: And you're probably like, Elaine, how does this have anything to do with high-stix conversations?
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: So, example is maybe this happened to me.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: I remember working with someone who was in finance and they had questions about numbers, and I like started going off talking about the vision and the mission.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: Like, wait, they don't care about this stuff.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: They care about the numbers.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: So let me talk about the numbers and what this means.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: So I got into self-judgment where, oh my gosh, I'm just blabbing.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: Like, wait, who am I with?
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: And how can I communicate to them in a way that they would understand and that's important to them so we could move forward.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: So I also want to talk about what happens when a conversation goes wrong.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: I like writing down, being curious, okay, what actually happened, aka facts, and what am I making it mean?
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: How am I interpreting this?
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so you might interpret it, there's a little self-judgment.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: And ask yourself, what can you do next time?
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: So facts, what actually happened?
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: Two, what am I making it mean?
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: Story.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_00: And then three, how can I adjust and adapt?
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: And I also want to talk about giving feedback.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: I get it, if you need to give feedback to someone and you're worried that it might hurt them, you want to avoid it.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: But avoidance is not being empathetic.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: So here's what I want you to try.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: You could use this quote or this script.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: Can you help me understand what happened here?
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: And this works well when there's a mistake that happens.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: Then have them explain and then share with them their pers your perspective.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: Here's what I'm seeing.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: Yet if this continues, it could lead to ABC.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: You're connecting the behavior to the impact.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: You're not attacking, you're connecting and going back.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: Like that is both strength and heart.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: All right, so what do we do if you can't meet a deadline?
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: You don't disappear, you don't overapologize.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: You could say, we won't be able to meet this deadline because of X.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: If we rush, here's a risk, and I adjust, I recommend we adjust to ABC.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: It's clear, calm, forward-moving.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_00: Leaders lose credibility when they hide delays, but as a leader, you build credibility when you communicate early and clearly.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: So you're like, wait, what did you just say?
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: I'll replay it.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: We won't be able to meet this deadline because of X.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_00: And if we rush, here's the risk, ABC.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: I recommend we adjust to DEF.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_00: And if you tend to carry other people's emotions too deeply, a good question to ask yourself, is this yours to hold?
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: You can be empathetic without being responsible for everyone's emotional state, but your job is not to be a therapist.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_00: If anything, I mean, there's individuals that need therapy, including myself, including you, by the way, but you don't necessarily need to absorb it.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: And another, this just happened recently.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_00: I've I have a client where they feel like, okay, I'm being underpromoted, and we've worked a lot on influence.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: So something I've shared with them that I want to share with you, influence is built through, structured messaging, clear recommendations, visibility in high-stakes conversations.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: So if you lack influence over key decision makers, I want you to really reflect and ask yourself this.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_00: Are you presenting recommendations clearly?
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: Are you stating what you want?
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_00: Are you building external relationships intentionally?
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: Before any big meeting, I actually meet with people and like, hey, can you even people that maybe they have a different perspective from me?
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_00: Like I see that this is really important to you.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_00: Can you help me understand?
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_00: Because this is what I see.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: Doing that before big meetings is important.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: Also, networking well is not about talking more, it's all about asking better questions.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_00: I had this coaching session I did, and this leader was saying, I just I hate small talk.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I challenge them.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, what if small talk is a way for you to get data if you want to continue connecting with that individual?
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_00: So instead of the typical, hey, like, what do you do?
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_00: You could try what are some exciting things you're doing right now.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_00: I know this episode is so good.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_00: And you're like, how can I get more of this?
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I have a newsletter that comes out every Thursday that's free, fun, and full of real talk.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: It's a live journal Zanga on leadership and life with actual scripts, behind the scenes stories, and lessons from mistakes I've made so you don't have to for work and life.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: Just go to elanelu.com forward slash join.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_00: That's E-L-A-I-N-E-L-O-U.com forward slash join.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_00: All right, back to the episode.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes here's what happens.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_00: They start talking about themselves, and that kind of gives you an idea of like, okay, they're full of it.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to talk to them.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_00: Or they might share something really interesting.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: Like I had this person share, oh, I'm gonna work on doing my scuba diving certification.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_00: And then I shared, oh, I did scuba diving for the first time.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_00: And that allowed me to connect with that individual in a human basis.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_00: So I know I'm talking about like an easy networking.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: So I want to give one more example when it comes to high-six conversations.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_00: So I want you to reflect, and actually, and this is gonna be uncomfortable, I know, but what are complex discussions you're navigating right now?
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_00: And not just your work life, but your personal life?
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: What are they?
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_00: And what do you know about that individual?
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: What will help them move forward?
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_00: What are words, what are things you can mention, what are variables involved and data that will help that person move forward with you when working on a project or task?
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_00: And knowing that, making sure you practice prior to connecting with them and then reminding them what the goal is.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_00: Mind you, if you're hearing all this, what I want you to get the common theme is what is the goal in this conversation?
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_00: What's important to this individual?
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_00: Can I meet with them prior to that big meeting so that I have a better understanding?
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_00: Can I make allies before this meeting?
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_00: And it's exactly I I mean, if you've known me for a while, it's exactly like sports.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_00: You're practicing with your teammates before the big game.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_00: And I say this because the Olympics are on right now.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_00: You know what your strengths are, your weakness is on, you're watching the videotapes before the big game.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, I've actually told my clients this even before meetings, hey, you have Zoom, you have Teams.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_00: Before you have that contentious meeting, I want you to videotape yourself.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: Be prepared for what they may say.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_00: You've worked with these people before.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_00: You know what questions they're gonna ask you.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_00: Prepare for your rebuttals, and that's how you become better.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_00: Another thing is making sure that you stay calm, collected.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_00: You're breathing.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_00: Breathing allows you to stay calm.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_00: And I mean, that is what to do with high-six conversations.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_00: Like, oh my gosh, Elaine, you are making this sound so easy.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_00: But as I share my conscious conversations framework, I want you to pause and breathe and practice.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_00: And after each conversation, reflect what worked, what did it, how can I adapt and adjust.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_00: Are you breathing?
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_00: Are you taking the time to reflect on current contentious conversations?
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're like Elaine, there is none right now.
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_00: I'm cool, that's fine.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_00: Actually, I would encourage you, can you reflect on past high-stakes conversations?
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_00: All of them, both the challenging ones and the great ones, because there is data to be collected in there and lessons to learn.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_00: So if you found this episode helpful, share this with one to two friends and share with them why they should listen, how this may help them with their current work.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_00: And if you really enjoy this episode, please leave a five-star rating and review.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_00: My team and I created this podcast so that we could have resources for everybody.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_00: And if you are like Elaine, this is gold and I want more.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_00: I want coaching.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_00: Well, you could schedule a call with me, see if it's a good fit to work together at elanelew.com forward slash call.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_00: That's E-L-A-I-N-E-L-O-U.com forward slash call.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_00: And during that call, you know, I will have a form for you to fill out.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_00: So I best prepare for it.
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_00: And I will treat you like a paying client to see if it's a good fit to work together.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_00: My intention is to give you at least three action items by the end of the call.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_00: If it's a great fit to work together, great.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'll share with you how it may look to move forward and work together.
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_00: And if it's not a great fit, great, I'll refer you to other people and resources.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_00: But all this work I do, teaching conscious conversations, coaching clients, and also doing presentations, I just I love it.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I'm an athlete and I see this as how can we practice and edit?
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_00: How can we know more about ourselves and other people?
• 19:15
  SPEAKER_00: So I look forward to talking with you at our next episode.