Latest / The You Project / #1754 Unfriending (In The Real World) - Harps

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#1754 Unfriending (In The Real World) - Harps · The You Project

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: I got our team. Hope you're bloody terrific. Have you
• 0:02
  Speaker 1: ever had a friend and you got to the point
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: with that friend, with that friendship, and you thought, yeah,
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: this doesn't feel much like a friendship, or this feels this,
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: this feels somewhat toxic. I'm not feeling the love, I'm
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: not feeling the kindness. I'm it's a little bit one way.
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  Speaker 1: I don't know that this is healthy. You know, it's
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  Speaker 1: like they call themselves friend, but everything else is almost
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  Speaker 1: the ups Like there's the label, but there's not really
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  Speaker 1: the behavior. There's not the expression, there's not the connection,
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  Speaker 1: there's not the love, there's not the kindness, there's not
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  Speaker 1: the support, and it's almost like, yes, we kind of
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: know each other well, and it might be because we
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  Speaker 1: grew up together, or because we work in the same
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  Speaker 1: joint together, or it might be just the situation, circumstance
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: environment that you happen to know that person quite well,
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  Speaker 1: so therefore you we're friends. But then I don't know.
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  Speaker 1: I feel like with friendship there needs to be certain
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  Speaker 1: criteria that are met, and there are certain things that
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  Speaker 1: might happen. There might be certain things happening in a
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  Speaker 1: in inverted Commas friendship that to me would say that's
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  Speaker 1: probably either not a friendship, it's just a person you know,
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  Speaker 1: or it's a friendship that's in need of work, or
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  Speaker 1: perhaps it's a completely toxic, unhealthy relationship masquerading as a friendship.
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  Speaker 1: And I've had a lot of people over the years.
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  Speaker 1: I have, by the way, I have some great fucking friends.
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  Speaker 1: I have friends that are awesome and beautiful and love
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  Speaker 1: me and you know, support me and care about me
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  Speaker 1: and also tell me I'm a dickhead if I'm being
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  Speaker 1: a dickhead, but done the right way the right time,
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  Speaker 1: with the right energy. So I get all of that.
• 1:51
  Speaker 1: But I've also had people over my journey, as have you.
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  Speaker 1: I am sure, who would present themselves as friends, but
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  Speaker 1: when my value to them expired, when I was no
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  Speaker 1: longer valuable to them in a way that I had
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  Speaker 1: previously been they'd gotten everything they need, they would disappear.
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  Speaker 1: So there's the persona, the friend persona, and then there's
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  Speaker 1: the person behind the bullshit, and sometimes there's a bit
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  Speaker 1: of bullshit. And if I'm being completely self aware and
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  Speaker 1: vulnerable and honest, I guess I have also not been
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  Speaker 1: a brilliant friend to people at times. That has never
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  Speaker 1: been my intention. But I am sure that if I
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  Speaker 1: did a deep dive and a deep reflection, that I
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  Speaker 1: would discover that I had been a shit friend at times. Two.
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  Speaker 1: So I think when we're doing reflection and we're talking
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  Speaker 1: about problems in our life, and we're talking about relationships
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  Speaker 1: and interpersonal things, I think it's also good to ask
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  Speaker 1: have I done this? Do I do this? Am I
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  Speaker 1: part of the problem or what part of the problem
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  Speaker 1: am I? So there are some what I would say
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  Speaker 1: red flags that I want to share with you that
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  Speaker 1: might indicate that it might be time either to talk
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  Speaker 1: to a person, to walk away from a person, to
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  Speaker 1: try to fix a friendship, or perhaps dissolve a friendship.
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  Speaker 1: And I don't think that this needs to be a
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  Speaker 1: melo dramatic life changing event. I don't think it needs
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  Speaker 1: to be painful and horrible or confrontational. I just think
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  Speaker 1: that we need to think about I just think that
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  Speaker 1: we need to think about I just think that we
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  Speaker 1: need to think about where and in whom and how
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  Speaker 1: we invest our time and energy. Now that's not to
• 3:50
  Speaker 1: say that relationships need to be strategic, of course, but
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  Speaker 1: I do think we need to Apart from the emotion
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  Speaker 1: and the emotional connection, we also need to have an
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  Speaker 1: awareness around whether or not this particular relationship or this
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  Speaker 1: particular person is healthy for me, or they add value
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  Speaker 1: to my life. I try to add value to all
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  Speaker 1: of my friends' lives. I don't always do it, but
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  Speaker 1: I really try to. And of course it's not like
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  Speaker 1: they're an asset that we've brought into the situation. But
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  Speaker 1: at the same time, if it's a very very lopsided relationship,
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  Speaker 1: if it's a one way friendship, if it's a one
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  Speaker 1: way relationship, then I would say that's not a friendship.
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  Speaker 1: I would say, if you associate more negative than positive
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  Speaker 1: emotions with a person, then you might go, oh, this,
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  Speaker 1: I don't know. Maybe this technically is a friendship, but
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  Speaker 1: experiential it feels like dogshit. Experientially it feels like dogshit.
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  Speaker 1: So you know, that's up to you to figure out.
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  Speaker 1: But if you are, for example, regularly given feedback or
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  Speaker 1: judgment or direction or coercion that you haven't sought from somebody,
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  Speaker 1: If somebody's telling you what you should do and why
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  Speaker 1: and how, and you didn't seek that out, you didn't
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  Speaker 1: you didn't want advice, You didn't want judgment or feedback.
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  Speaker 1: You haven't sought that. But that's a constant occurrence. Also
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  Speaker 1: a red flag if the relationship, the friendship is driven
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  Speaker 1: by one person, like, for example, you work really hard,
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  Speaker 1: you're really kind, you're really thoughtful. You always ring them
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  Speaker 1: how are you? Are you okay? How's your dad? How's
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  Speaker 1: your kids? What's going on? Can I do anything for you?
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  Speaker 1: Your kind and you're generous and you're thoughtful, But that's
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  Speaker 1: a one way kind of transaction. Then also, you know,
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  Speaker 1: don't compromise yourself that way. It's nice to be nice,
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  Speaker 1: it's nice to be generous and kind and supportive, and
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  Speaker 1: we don't do things to get something back. But if
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  Speaker 1: if we are genuinely thinking, well, this is a relationship,
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  Speaker 1: that is a friendship, then there needs to be a
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  Speaker 1: little bit of something in return. Otherwise that person's not
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  Speaker 1: a friend. They're just a project that you're investing time
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  Speaker 1: and energy in. And if you're cool with that, and
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  Speaker 1: you're cool with the dynamics of that, then identify it
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  Speaker 1: for what it is. But that one way kind of
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  Speaker 1: love and connection and kindness and support one way, that's
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  Speaker 1: not friendship. Also, when somebody has an opinion or an
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  Speaker 1: idea or a belief that they are always ramming down
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  Speaker 1: your throat and they want you to think like them,
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  Speaker 1: to be like them, to share their beliefs and ideas
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  Speaker 1: and values. And if you don't listen to them, and
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  Speaker 1: if you don't align with them, and you don't believe
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  Speaker 1: or live or eat or whatever it is. In other words,
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  Speaker 1: if their operating system is not your operating system, or
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  Speaker 1: they're thinking is not your thinking, there's a problem. You
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  Speaker 1: need to be like me. I can't believe you don't
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  Speaker 1: support me in this. Again, bullshit not friendship. In fact,
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  Speaker 1: if you only have friends who think like you, if
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  Speaker 1: you only have friends who are basically another version of you,
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  Speaker 1: you're in a cult. You're in a cult of thoughts
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  Speaker 1: and a cult of behavior. Diversity is great, and if
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  Speaker 1: you can't connect with other people who don't necessarily share
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  Speaker 1: the same kind of ideas or behaviors or habits as you,
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  Speaker 1: that's definitely something to think about. I think we need diversity.
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  Speaker 1: I mean, you're going to connect with who you connect with,
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  Speaker 1: of course, but when people our friends need to meet
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  Speaker 1: a certain criteria. In other words, you know, you need
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  Speaker 1: to be kind of a version of me to be
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  Speaker 1: my friend. Well, then whether or not that's coming from
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  Speaker 1: you or coming from them, that's a problem. Also, I
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  Speaker 1: guess when you are an emotional dumping ground from people
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  Speaker 1: for people or a friend of convenience, When you only
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  Speaker 1: hear from people when they need or want something, they
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  Speaker 1: appear and disappear on planet you when it suits them.
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  Speaker 1: There are people that I know and I by the way,
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  Speaker 1: I don't dislike these people. I just wouldn't call them
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  Speaker 1: close friends. But there's I'm thinking to someone right now,
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  Speaker 1: and there's a fair chance you know this person because
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  Speaker 1: this person has a profile. But anyway, this person and
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  Speaker 1: five or ten others, I only hear from these people
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  Speaker 1: when they need something from me. There's a bunch of
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  Speaker 1: people that I know pretty well. Don't dislike them, but
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  Speaker 1: they're not friends. They're just people I know pretty well.
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  Speaker 1: But they would tell others that I'm their friend because
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: that suits them at times. And also they'll reach out
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  Speaker 1: to me when they need something, but they will never
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  Speaker 1: reach out to see if I need anything, and I'm good,
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  Speaker 1: I don't need anything, but it'd be nice again if
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  Speaker 1: it wasn't the one way thing. I guess. Also, you
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  Speaker 1: know red flags when your life or your welfare or
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  Speaker 1: happiness is you know, not really of any interest to them.
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  Speaker 1: They don't even really know. I worked with a guy
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  Speaker 1: I can't say too much, but for quite a while,
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  Speaker 1: what like years, in a capacity I can't say too much,
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  Speaker 1: but it's fair to know that I know a lot
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  Speaker 1: about this person, a real lot, because we had rock
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  Speaker 1: bottom hundreds of conversations about him and his stuff. This
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  Speaker 1: guy wouldn't even know if I was married. That's how
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  Speaker 1: little interest he took in me and my life every time.
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  Speaker 1: But he would tell people we're friends, and it's I'm
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  Speaker 1: okay with that, but we're not friends. He's just a
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  Speaker 1: guy that I know well. He doesn't love me, he
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  Speaker 1: doesn't care about me, he doesn't support me, and that's
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  Speaker 1: okay too. There's no self pity here. But I think
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  Speaker 1: it's just really important that we clarify what is friendship
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  Speaker 1: and also what am I investing my time and energy in?
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  Speaker 1: And who am I investing my time and energy in?
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  Speaker 1: And is this And if I'm investing time and energy
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  Speaker 1: in people where there's nothing in it for me in
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  Speaker 1: inverted commas, that's totally fine, and I choose to do that.
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  Speaker 1: That's totally fine. But I think that I think that
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  Speaker 1: we all need people in our life who are genuine friends.
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  Speaker 1: I think if you have three or four fucking amazing friends,
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  Speaker 1: then you're doing great. I think that you know, when
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  Speaker 1: a friendship is conditional based upon your value to the
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  Speaker 1: other person, that's not great. But when you when you
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  Speaker 1: have somebody on planet, you even and if it's one
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  Speaker 1: person unfortunate. I have a few amazing friends who just
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  Speaker 1: fucking love me. I don't know why they do, but
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  Speaker 1: I'm glad they do. They support me. Would matter what
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  Speaker 1: my job was, would matter. You know that if I
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  Speaker 1: was a moro on they would tell me that. If
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  Speaker 1: I was doing bad shit, they would tell me that.
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  Speaker 1: But for the most part, these are unconditional friendships. So
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: know when to unfriend my friends better to make the decision,
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  Speaker 1: Like I said, doesn't need to be a big melodramatic moment,
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  Speaker 1: doesn't need to be a big kind of confrontation or anything.
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  Speaker 1: But sometimes it just means stepping away quietly and you know,
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  Speaker 1: utilizing your time and your energy and your love in
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  Speaker 1: a different way. See you next time.