Latest / Fartmouth / 343 - Shot Dog and Shush Puppies

Transcript

343 - Shot Dog and Shush Puppies · Fartmouth

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: I need you to fill me in because you piqued my interest there a second.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_01: A streamer set themselves on fire?
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I don't know the whole story.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: I was just gonna make a joke about it in the intro.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: But uh then I thought, might be too obscure.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: I've only seen headlines, so that was a fucking bummer of a sorry.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: He set himself on fire on a live stream, so you can go watch the video.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_01: Was he like a game, like a gaming stream?
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: Like Twitch?
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know, honestly.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: Just a streamer.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: I think he was trans or something like that.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: I think there was some angle of that.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: And uh yeah.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_01: I don't I'm not interested anymore.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna be a settler for Halloween.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: The catches that it's Israeli.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, chopping up dogs and shit.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_01: Oh no.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_01: It's just funny because I was when I was waiting for you, I watched I was scrolling some uh Doom scrolling videos, and there's this black guy named like Daryl Washington or something.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_01: He has kind of like a fucked up head, and he's probably autistic, and he put on Mickey Mouse hands, like big gloves, to go play basketball.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, I'm done watching that, I'm gonna go play some professional basketball.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_01: And he was shooting hoops, and he was like, This one's for all the white ladies with the fat booties, this one's for all the black ladies with the flat booties, and he kept missing every single shot.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_01: And one of them he caught me off guard, he said, This one's for all the Jews and the Muslims.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_01: This one's for Benjamin Netanyahu.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_01: It's funny.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_01: He said that?
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, this one's for Benjamin Netanyahu.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_01: That's great.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_01: He missed every single shot.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_01: So funny.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_01: Uh he's like, I guess ain't nobody getting none tonight, and neither am I.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_01: Bye.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_01: Well, we already knew that, but yeah.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, fuck that.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: Uh I I forgot.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: Fucked up head dudes deserve left too.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: They just don't get it.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_01: No, he's awesome.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_01: He does all these videos where he's like, this video is for people that are like this.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_01: And one of them he said, send this video to a friend of yours who's lactose intolerant.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_01: And he holds up cuts to him holding up two jugs of milk, and he goes, Boo.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_01: That's pretty good.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, nah, let's do some shots.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_01: And he's uh they do shots of milk and he's like squirting milk all the time.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my god.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_01: His videos are funny as well.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: That's great, dude.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: That's chaotic.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: That's awesome.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, he's hilarious.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: Boo.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: Boo.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: That's great.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: The milk.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: Milk is the color of ghosts.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_01: That works.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_01: That's so true.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe he's a comedic genius, even though he seems like he's not all that smart.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_01: Someone is.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_01: So yeah, they there's definitely a couple of white dudes behind it.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it's like uh it's like uh superhuman.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: The juggalos and juggalets.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, there's an adult behind the camera.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_01: A very irresponsible adult.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: Someone who doesn't really love him, I guess.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_01: It's his neighbor, for sure.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: I assumed it was his white trash dad, but uh, I don't know.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: Honestly.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: It could be the neighbor, it could be the uncle.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_01: It could be the older cousin.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_01: That seems to be the culprit most of the time.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: Older cousins big, dude.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: It could be that big time.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: Just his juggalo older cousin who got him into ICP and wrestling.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: He's the reason for all of this.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, yeah.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: But he's cashing in on the fucking YouTube channel or whatever.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: For sure.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_01: If his parents weren't cranked out on meth, they would be like, you shouldn't be doing that in the backyard.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: He ended up actually getting on a wrestling event.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: Oh yeah.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: Did you see that?
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: That they invited him to one of them, AEW or one of them, like invited him on and he got to do a thing from like the top rope or whatever.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_01: I hope he like at least didn't.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_01: He probably couldn't say fuck this shit, but he's you know.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, maybe he got to do his his kind of his catchphrase.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: Isn't it isn't it something AEW?
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, all elite wrestling.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: Never mind.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: I thought it was extreme, but it's not.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: That's ECW.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_01: Extreme championship wrestling or something.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: Doesn't exist anymore, unfortunately.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: It got bought out as well.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, wrestling's on a pretty big downhill.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_01: Rob Van Goddamn.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: You know?
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: This thing?
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: He had a ponytail, right?
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: He did.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: I remember.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: He was he was related to Jean-Claude Van Dam, right?
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: Because they looked very similar to not be related to.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_01: Thinking maybe that's not his real name.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: God damn it, you're probably right.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: Rob Van Goddamn it, you're probably right.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: Son of a bitch.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_01: Anyway.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: Now I need to know, Tyler.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_01: I'm sorry, but I have to look it up while you're doing your intro.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, you just gotta Google stuff while I make my little gay jokes.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, I am.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_01: Well, get ready to teehee, boys, because I got another zinger for you.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: The first picture is him doing the thumb stuff.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: That's just what he's known for.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: It's cool as hell.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome everyone to Fart Mouth Podcast, a show whose hosts are so broke the only beef we can afford is an argument.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_01: What the fuck?
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: God damn, bro.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: Tee he.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_01: I told you tee hee.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_01: Everyone could hear segments that make each other laugh.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_01: I'm Tyler.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_01: I'm Jake.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_01: And we're gonna get on into it.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, before you click that, though.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: Uh-huh.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: This is why he went by Rob Van Dam.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: It's very, it's very obvious.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: Because he knows karate.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: Imagine if he had gone by his his birth name, Robert Zatzkowski.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_01: Zatkowski.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_01: Oh no.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_01: Those goddamn polo.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: I know, dude.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: He was like, my name's too goddamn Polish.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever Jean-Claude Van Dam is, French, I guess.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: I need to be that.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_01: I can't remember what he is.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_01: I know David Hasselhoff is German.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_01: Well, now I gotta know that.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_01: Let's just Google stuff for the rest of the episode.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: This is the last thing I'm Googling, but Jean-Claude Van Damme.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, he's French.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: No, Belgian.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that's a Belgian martial artist.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, French people can't do anything cool.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: Raised in Brussels.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: They make good movies.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: And and they're protesting right now.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: When are they not?
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: They're protesting far less of a grievance than Americans ever protest about.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: They're pretty badass, dude.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: They're like setting police cars on fire over like a 2% tax.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: Like we should be doing.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_01: Haven't they been doing that particular protest for like months?
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: Uh there's been some protesting, but I think they escalated recently.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_01: Cool.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_01: I like when things escalate.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_01: Speaking of escalations, we have a segment.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_01: Yep.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_01: Would you rather phone away?
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_01: I don't have to look anything like Jake's Jake's the episode fucking king this time.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_01: I'm the guru this time.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_01: Your would you rather topic last week, Tyler?
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_01: Guru would be when you get cumbed on by a kangaroo.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, dude.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: That's guru for sure.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: Or Rugu, I guess.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: Rugo.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: Uh Rikakoo or whatever the fuck.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_01: Uh-uh.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: Rikiku.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I'm doing.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: I'm doing sweet D noises from It's Always Sunny.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: But would you rather?
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: Your topic was eyes or eyeballs.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: Correct?
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, eyes.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: Uh so I I was trying to think.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: I I was trying to think of this.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: That reminded me of the thing that everyone thought they were cool when they put it in their as their Facebook status.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: Real eyes.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: Real eyes.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: Real lies.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: You know how many like like fucking thoughtful black dudes made that their Facebook status in 2012?
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: Uh okay.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: Uh would you rather?
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: Your eyes are replaced with those of an HIV positive person.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: Oh.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: Let's say Magic Johnson.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: Now I got gay eyes.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: Or those of an 87-year-old man.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, I see.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: I I thought I would make it a little less whimsical on the first one.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: H.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: Just a little more straight.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_01: Ivy.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_01: I see.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_01: I see.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: That's what you were doing.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: I see.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_01: H I.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_01: No, I that's what you were doing.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_01: I said I have gay eyes.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_01: You did say that.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_01: That was my first thought.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_01: You did say that.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: You get either put gay or old in me.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: So the old eyes obviously are not going to be as good.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: They don't fucking work right off the rip.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: Now I said Magic Johnson, but I shouldn't have said Magic Johnson.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: I should we should go with a let's say 30-year-old Magic Johnson.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: His eyes.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: Somehow.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: Obviously, these are all theoretical and to inject some whimsy into it.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: He's a 30-year-old Magic Johnson Johnson.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_01: I would say probably, you know, a solid 2020.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_01: I never seen him wear glasses.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: And he was playing basketball like a motherfucker, do you gotta see real well for the hand-eye coordination thing to work?
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_01: I well, I mean, honestly, there's still a shot that there's well, okay.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_01: Here was my here was my thinking.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: Was that it could be a double whammy because sickle cell, but let's pretend that he he doesn't have a propensity for sickle cell, even we know he does.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: That's understood.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_01: Alright.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_01: The thing is, I like I you said you didn't want to put any whimsy in it, but all I can think about is whimsical thoughts of like I now I have a black dude's eyes.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_01: Am I gonna be like looking at white girls' fat asses all the time, like against my will?
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna be like looking for ways to steal shit when I'm walking through stores.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: No, no, because your brain's the same.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, okay.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_01: They don't have like a mind of their own.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: And feel free to inject whimsy into it.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_01: I just didn't want the initial would you rather to be as whimsical.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_01: Gotcha.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_01: I just like the idea of like now the eyes have the mind a mind of their own, like they're cursed.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, that is funny.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_01: I'm an old guy, and I'm like in a gas station and I can't stop looking at the lottery tickets.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you're you're actively doing the lottery tickets on the counter annoyingly.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_01: They're just it's only the oh it's but it's only the eyes, like they're not taking over my body, it's just I can't control what they look at.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that would be really fun.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_01: I see.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_01: I see.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_01: Like I'm uh I got the old guy's eyes and I'm walking down the street and I just like keep looking at my my wallet because black people are walking by me.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it's like it's not me, guys.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: It's you're fine, but the black guy's eyes, you would never even think about your fucking wallet until you needed to reach for it.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_01: Especially if you're out to like dinner with people, you don't you're not looking at that thing, you're looking at the ceiling, like what's going on up there.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: The only time you need to reach for your wallet and you're not making a purchase with the black eyes is when the cops have their guns drawn.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_01: Right, yeah.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_01: How to reach for your wallet.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah, those are great.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: Um how to sh how to give a cop your ID.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: And he's just doing gun poses out of his car.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: That's really funny.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: It's a great video.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: Wish I knew the creator to shout him out.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: But some black fella.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: Look up some fucking uh keywords, you'll find it.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_01: Um, man.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_01: It it's nice to be able to see.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_01: This is when we're like, you know, I glasses will correct it.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_01: Sure.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_01: With the old man eyes, but cataracts and shit, you know?
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_01: Like milky old fucking uh unfixable eyes are pretty much what I'm getting there.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_01: Because he's like 80 something.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_01: Um I mean, other than that, what's the drawback?
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_01: They're just shitty eyes.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, they're shitty.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_01: Would you rather have shitty eyes or eyes that give you AIDS?
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_01: Is basically the the And AIDS is AIDS is pretty much solved at this point.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: Your eyes are probably gonna die in 10 to 15 years.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: Like fully died.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_01: What if they fucking died inside of me and I have to like scoop them out and I'm eyeless now?
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: They just like fucking start rotting in my skull.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: I think so.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: Like by the time you're 70, your eyes are just shriveled husks of what they used to be.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: It's pretty metal.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: Uh you'd have to wear sunglasses everywhere.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: I'd be like I mean, you'd be blind, so you'd be wearing them anyway.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_01: I'd go to fucking like Turkey and get some like stem cell eye drops or something to try to try to roll the clock back a little bit.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I was gonna say that's a loophole and you can't do it, but that is such a bitch to have to go and do no shit.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_00: That it makes it better.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_01: It's not gonna fucking work.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_01: That's the thing.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_01: Like right.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_01: I feel like it it's one of those things where it's like a band-aid that just you know it's gonna give you like 10% back.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: Where you feel like it worked for about a month.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_01: I'd have to fucking get some adrenochrome or something.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_01: And I feel like the market on that's just cooked after old Epstein got popped.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_01: Uh sheesh, bro.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_01: And the other thing is like HIV's pretty much solved, so it's like you'd you'd have an eptometrist.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_01: Damn it.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_00: Get it?
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: Get it.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_01: I do the adrenochrome.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_01: Uh and the eyes.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_01: This this came up.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_01: I I was playing vigigames the other day, and I thought of a would you rather that was like tame enough, like not my normal fare, uh-huh, that I I threw it in the chat.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_01: I think it was like uh have your one of your arms cut off at the elbow or your entire leg all the way up to your balls.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_01: People were going back and forth, and like they just popped off with all the most like it made me realize that we have a talent for writing Would You Rathers that most people would never even brush up against because it was all just the most basic, like you know, yeah.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_01: Well, it's their first time blind or deaf is the one that everyone goes to first.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_01: And it's one of the only like basic ones that I actually have to think about because it's like fuck, dude, you know?
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_01: I think the move is deaf.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_01: Because you can do everything yourself.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_01: You don't hear it.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_01: You never you never need help.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_01: Like you can watch movies with subtitles on and play video games just fine.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_01: You know, you just basically you can't participate in music as much, but like really at all.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_01: Well, like that one dude was deaf, Beethoven or whatever.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, neither of us are composers.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_00: True.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_00: If we were composers, you could still hear it in your mind's ear, you know?
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_00: In a way, in a way that we cannot, because we've never like I've sat down and written songs, but like, and I've like programmed the little things in the fucking doll, but like what he did was so much more than that.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_01: These days they've got so much technology, surely there's like some sort of like haptic metronome thing you could do.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_01: Where you like you could be a drummer, sure, you know, and you just got like a haptic metronome click that you're playing to, and everyone else is just set to the same BPM and you could pull it off if you really cared about making music to that level.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_01: But like if you're blind, you just you can't fucking drive anywhere, you can barely walk down the street, you got one of those gay sticks.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_00: Dude, isn't that nuts that you would be drumming a song and if anyone heard you drumming it, like they can experience the thing you're doing, and you will never experience it.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_00: You have no idea what it actually sounds like.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, uh even if like say like you're just completely a hundred percent deaf, I don't even know if that exists really.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_01: Because like they can all sort of kind of ish hear something, but like you can still feel the vibration and like the feedback of the things that you're hitting.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_01: And I feel like there's like something that you can experience from that.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_01: You're not gonna hear tone from like guitar, right?
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, but like you'll never know if you're in tune.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but drums is like thumpy.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_00: Uh yeah, of course, yeah.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: Anything that makes a concussive sound, you're gonna know it happened, but you don't really you don't know what that sounded like.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_00: You just know you felt it.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you know?
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_00: Wild.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway, uh obviously death.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_00: Even though it's a shittier uh would you rather, we still you can still talk about it anytime.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_00: It's it's a fucking evergreen would you rather.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you can always think of more aspects of how shitty each one would be.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_01: All the rest of them were so bad, I I don't even remember what they were.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_01: It was just like, all right, guys, I'm sorry I asked.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_00: I've heard other shows do it.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_00: And and sometimes when it's like comics or especially dark comics, their brains are fucking hardwired for it, and they can come up with some wild and good shit, but if it's just regular ass, normy MPC podcasters, no.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_00: Their would you rathers are always shit?
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_00: It's always like that's like we wouldn't even have done that.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_00: We could that would have been too tame and lame and stupid.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, uh it wouldn't have made sense for us.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_00: It's extreme, yeah.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_00: And by the way, my second one is more extreme.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I'm uh I trust you.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, this is already it's got enough meat on the bone that uh you can talk about it for a while.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_00: The AIDS eyes, you have AIDS.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_00: Obviously, that's the only like what else does it need, you know?
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_00: And then what color?
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_00: The shitty eyes.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_01: What c oh, uh I mean black people all pretty much have brown eyes.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_01: I figure that was the case.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_01: But what about the uh the old fella?
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_00: How about how about this?
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't think of the color of the eyes at all.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_00: Never crossed my mind.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_00: It was all about quality, it was or it was all about the sight.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_00: Uh I think they should further would you rather they should both be your color of eyes.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_00: Or your preferred color of eyes if you prefer color to what you have.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_01: I think what you're born with is usually what you should have.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_00: I guess it is.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_00: Nature gave it to you.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_01: Anytime people try to make it different, it always looks weird and fucked up.
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_01: It does, dude.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_01: Uncanny Valley just takes over.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_01: Yep.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_01: Uh yeah.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_01: I'll go with the black eye eyes.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_00: I mean the AIDS eyes.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_00: You go with the AIDS eyes?
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_00: You're just gonna treat AIDS?
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_01: I want to see but have good sight.
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_01: I'll take the pill or the shot or whatever they got and uh be able to see good and get pussy.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_00: Like, yeah.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_00: You always got the AIDS community if you have AIDS, you know?
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_00: And there's all different kinds of people in the AIDS communities.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_01: I would never get involved in any of that.
• 18:59
  SPEAKER_01: I don't want to be a part of any community at all.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, well, I'm just saying that that would be an option for like social shit if, you know what I mean, if you got ostracized, you know.
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_00: I'm anytime an AIDS thing comes up.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_00: I'm way bigger than an ostrich.
• 19:15
  SPEAKER_00: You got that, you got that in your back pocket.
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_00: My topic, I feel like we've done something like this before.
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_00: And I think it was me that brought another appliance.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_00: Oh.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_00: But my topic is ovens.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_01: You did microwaves on it.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_01: I did, didn't I?
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_00: Uh so just an oven, you know.
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_00: The conventional fucking oven that's in everybody's house.
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_00: Mm-hmm.
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_00: Would you rather shit on a foil-covered pan?
• 19:47
  SPEAKER_00: Heat it at 375 for 20 minutes.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 19:52
  SPEAKER_00: And then eat it.
• 19:53
  SPEAKER_02: Yep.
• 19:53
  SPEAKER_00: Just one time.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_02: Yep.
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_00: Or smear shit all in your oven.
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_00: I guess you were shit, it doesn't matter, but it's it's human shit.
• 20:06
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, all in your oven and eat every meal out of it forever.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_01: Like a shit adobe.
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 20:15
  SPEAKER_01: They make those clay ovens.
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_00: There's gonna be like I I set it up so that there's gonna be an essence of shit in every meal.
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_00: But it's not gonna be you know, overbearing.
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_00: It's just gonna be there.
• 20:27
  SPEAKER_00: I gotcha.
• 20:28
  SPEAKER_00: Every time you eat anything.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_00: I gotcha.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_00: Or you have to eat a nice shit, like, you know, a good normal shit, let's say.
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_00: Like well, I mean, you know, not to get too personal, but what would that be for you?
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_01: Uh like a normal shit.
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, like what you it's a normal shit.
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_01: It's just like normal.
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_01: It's I I mean, I like two or three turds.
• 20:57
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_00: Brown, pretty tightly coiled.
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_01: A typical shit for me, if it's like a solid one, is there's one pretty good size log, about the size of a hot dog.
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_01: And then a couple of little, you know, a couple nuggets here and there.
• 21:13
  SPEAKER_00: Little little aftershocks.
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 21:15
  SPEAKER_01: There's a couple few nuggets and one nice hot dog log.
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 21:20
  SPEAKER_00: A couple little popcorn chicken nuggets.
• 21:22
  SPEAKER_01: I can make a fucking hot dog out of the log, and I just got chicken nuggets.
• 21:26
  SPEAKER_01: Can I have ketchup?
• 21:29
  SPEAKER_00: Couple little uh little popcorn crunchies that came out of the fucking fryer with whatever else you got.
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_01: You know, some hush puppies with my hot dog.
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, hot dog.
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_00: It's a long John Silver shit, bro.
• 21:42
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, it tastes about the same.
• 21:46
  SPEAKER_00: Not the same amount of bacteria.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_00: Uh yeah.
• 21:50
  SPEAKER_00: Uh E.
• 21:50
  SPEAKER_00: coli and shit.
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I mean, I the obvious question for me, because it is me, I have culinary implications.
• 21:58
  SPEAKER_01: Like, do I get.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_01: Spices, sauces, breads.
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_01: What how how much of a meal can I make out of this guy?
• 22:09
  SPEAKER_01: Is it just straight shit on a platter?
• 22:12
  SPEAKER_01: I think it has to be.
• 22:13
  SPEAKER_00: The poo-poo platter.
• 22:15
  SPEAKER_00: I think it has to be, dude.
• 22:17
  SPEAKER_00: I think maybe salt and pepper.
• 22:19
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_00: At most.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 22:21
  SPEAKER_00: At most I could see allowing that.
• 22:23
  SPEAKER_01: Is there a limitation on how long I have to cook this?
• 22:27
  SPEAKER_01: 20 minutes.
• 22:28
  SPEAKER_01: 20 minutes.
• 22:28
  SPEAKER_01: At 375.
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_01: At 375, gotcha.
• 22:30
  SPEAKER_00: That's gonna roast it pretty good.
• 22:32
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 22:33
  SPEAKER_00: It's gonna be hopefully it doesn't like flame up.
• 22:37
  SPEAKER_00: Nah.
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_00: I don't I'm not trying to make a char broiled turd for you.
• 22:41
  SPEAKER_00: Nah, for her.
• 22:42
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks.
• 22:43
  SPEAKER_00: Trying to get it to safe eating temperature.
• 22:47
  SPEAKER_00: What am I trying to make it smell like Burger King?
• 22:50
  SPEAKER_00: Watch yourself.
• 22:51
  SPEAKER_00: That's good stuff everybody.
• 22:55
  SPEAKER_00: But it's it is funny the confluence of the Burger King in our town.
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 23:01
  SPEAKER_00: By the intersection that always smells.
• 23:04
  SPEAKER_00: It's only like a quarter mile from it.
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_00: True.
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_00: So maybe not even that.
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_00: It might be like feet.
• 23:10
  SPEAKER_00: Like if you had signs, if you had a sign, it would say the Burger King is in 1,500 feet or whatever.
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_00: True.
• 23:17
  SPEAKER_00: Uh or a thousand feet or something.
• 23:19
  SPEAKER_00: It's like right there.
• 23:21
  SPEAKER_00: So that that does combine the smells right there.
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_00: It does.
• 23:27
  SPEAKER_00: It's poop and Burger King.
• 23:29
  SPEAKER_00: And it's like, this sucks.
• 23:30
  SPEAKER_00: Because when you drive by a Burger King, that shit smells heavenly, bro.
• 23:35
  SPEAKER_00: I know.
• 23:36
  SPEAKER_00: I gotta admit, it's one of the best things.
• 23:38
  SPEAKER_00: Gasoline smell as a child, because gas don't smell like that no more.
• 23:43
  SPEAKER_00: And stick all the lead out.
• 23:45
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that's my that's my right wing uh point is that I liked smelling gas when it when it had lead in it.
• 23:55
  SPEAKER_00: I forget the other one now because I went on the whole lead thing.
• 23:58
  SPEAKER_00: Uh char boiled meat, dude.
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and then the meat.
• 24:01
  SPEAKER_00: It all it that's the other one.
• 24:03
  SPEAKER_00: I gotcha.
• 24:05
  SPEAKER_00: I can't stand that.
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_00: That fucking sucks.
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_01: It ruined it.
• 24:10
  SPEAKER_00: They're at that intersection.
• 24:11
  SPEAKER_01: The biggest uh I mean not the well, so okay, first of all, you cake the inside of your oven with shit, but there's a f maybe f a handful of cycles of baking food in that thing where it's gonna just like completely char into like shit charcoal and it's not gonna be shit anymore.
• 24:34
  SPEAKER_01: So, like, even though it is forever, unless you're telling me to smear fresh shit in it every time.
• 24:39
  SPEAKER_00: How about you you spread the shit in there once a month?
• 24:44
  SPEAKER_00: Once a month.
• 24:45
  SPEAKER_01: So then like half of your meals are pretty shitty.
• 24:49
  SPEAKER_01: So this is gonna be a thing that you're gonna know that is hella true about me and is gonna make a lot of sense when I say it.
• 24:55
  SPEAKER_01: My biggest problem with that whole entire fucking concept is that my entire house is gonna stink forever.
• 25:02
  SPEAKER_01: Oh and you know, you know that shit drives me up a fucking wall, bro.
• 25:06
  SPEAKER_00: See, you just want it once.
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_01: I can I can handle one time torture that sucks worse than the torture of a lifetime of torture.
• 25:17
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I'm saying?
• 25:18
  SPEAKER_01: Like, death by a thousand paper cuts is worse than just getting something chopped off real quick.
• 25:24
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 25:24
  SPEAKER_01: If it ain't my penis, it's different.
• 25:28
  SPEAKER_01: Uh so I feel like I have to fucking eat this shit, bro.
• 25:32
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I I stumbled upon this not too long ago that uh like the platform we upload our podcast to now has like this tool that I don't know if it's using AI or what, but it's transcribing our episodes automatically.
• 25:49
  SPEAKER_01: It feels weird.
• 25:50
  SPEAKER_01: I feel like I'm talking about it and it's listening to me now.
• 25:53
  SPEAKER_01: I just got weirdly self-conscious.
• 25:55
  SPEAKER_01: But I was scrolling through I stumbled upon it and I started scrolling through it, and I was just laughing at how much it was getting right and what it was getting wrong.
• 26:05
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 26:06
  SPEAKER_01: And I was just like, whatever this thing is is like bugging.
• 26:09
  SPEAKER_01: Cause it's like, what the fuck?
• 26:10
  SPEAKER_01: Are I gotta be wrong?
• 26:12
  SPEAKER_01: There's no way they said that.
• 26:13
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_01: But it's like the times that it's right, it's funny that it's right.
• 26:18
  SPEAKER_01: Also, because we're firing pretty quick, like it doesn't know which one is which.
• 26:23
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it kind of knows which there's parts where it's like Jake said this, Tyler said that, and it's like, yeah, that is what happened.
• 26:31
  SPEAKER_01: But like we're giving each other affirmatives in between.
• 26:34
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I you just said yeah, while I was still talking, it's gonna think I said that now.
• 26:39
  SPEAKER_01: Um totally inconsequential.
• 26:41
  SPEAKER_01: I just thought it was funny that I I found it and I'm reading through it, and it's like, yeah, no, but you have to fuck her.
• 26:46
  SPEAKER_01: It's like oh god, okay, okay, this is what we're putting out there.
• 26:51
  SPEAKER_00: It's not it's really not that much better from like the first iPhone that had that.
• 26:55
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you know, I I remember tricking that, and in the notes app, I would I would turn that on and I would be like or whatever, and it would go and it would try to translate that into words, and it was the fucking funniest thing, dude.
• 27:14
  SPEAKER_00: You'd just get stoned and play on your phone for 30 minutes and just fuck with the AI.
• 27:21
  SPEAKER_00: It's so fucking funny.
• 27:26
  SPEAKER_00: Just make noise.
• 27:28
  SPEAKER_00: You could go like and like it would try any anything you did.
• 27:32
  SPEAKER_00: It would try to make it words.
• 27:34
  SPEAKER_01: It's so funny the things that you'll do when you're alone.
• 27:38
  SPEAKER_01: If your buddy walked in while you were doing it, you would fucking never live down.
• 27:43
  unknown: Yeah.
• 27:44
  SPEAKER_01: That is such a I'm high and alone activity.
• 27:47
  SPEAKER_01: But it's absolutely we all do stupid shit like that.
• 27:50
  SPEAKER_01: That's just like if anybody saw me doing this, they would fucking roast me so bad.
• 27:56
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, but but then when you saw what it said, you would laugh as well.
• 28:01
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sure some of it was insanely funny.
• 28:04
  SPEAKER_00: Like it was trying to make sentences, like it had that much tech at the time.
• 28:09
  SPEAKER_00: This is like a decade ago.
• 28:10
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 28:10
  SPEAKER_00: And it had enough tech that it was trying, like they had thought it out well enough, I guess.
• 28:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just retarded, but uh, they had thought it out well enough that you know it it tried to make sentences, it like tried to put words together in a in a uh somewhat of a you know uh organized way, yeah.
• 28:29
  SPEAKER_00: Like they gave it the old comment structure, and I it fucking got me so much of the time.
• 28:37
  SPEAKER_00: Just some of the random words it pulled out of its ass that I just I said nothing like that.
• 28:42
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know how the fuck it came up with that.
• 28:44
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I'm sure it was really fun.
• 28:46
  SPEAKER_00: Spotify might have that once in a while.
• 28:49
  SPEAKER_01: They might, yeah.
• 28:50
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 28:50
  SPEAKER_01: Speaking of Spotify, we should read Spotify comments.
• 28:53
  SPEAKER_01: I already got them pulled.
• 28:54
  SPEAKER_01: Look at you! What the freaking hood shit.
• 28:58
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my god, I'm gonna eat the shit by the way.
• 29:00
  SPEAKER_01: Salt and pepper's fine, I can make it work.
• 29:02
  SPEAKER_01: All right.
• 29:03
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah.
• 29:04
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 29:05
  SPEAKER_01: Uh I couldn't handle the smell, dude.
• 29:07
  SPEAKER_01: That would drive me fucking crazy.
• 29:09
  SPEAKER_00: Uh Evil Possum said about our episode Hollywood Steph Hogan.
• 29:15
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah.
• 29:15
  SPEAKER_01: Damn, dude, what a banger.
• 29:17
  SPEAKER_01: I have an update on that.
• 29:18
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, Thank you for reminding me.
• 29:20
  SPEAKER_01: I was hoping so.
• 29:21
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for reminding me.
• 29:22
  SPEAKER_00: I really do.
• 29:23
  SPEAKER_00: I want to hear it.
• 29:24
  SPEAKER_00: Uh I really hope Steph Hogan reminds people during Black History Month that black people do more than eat fried chicken and pick cotton and listen to rap music.
• 29:35
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you, Evil Possum, for that for that enlightening.
• 29:38
  SPEAKER_01: That's a that's a good point.
• 29:39
  SPEAKER_01: I hope she does too.
• 29:41
  SPEAKER_00: Uh Robbie Kitchens said, I turned 30, Sunday boys.
• 29:45
  SPEAKER_00: Feel like a true unk up in this bitch.
• 29:48
  SPEAKER_01: Oh shit, bro.
• 29:49
  SPEAKER_00: Happy birthday, Robbie Kitchens.
• 29:50
  SPEAKER_01: It's all downhill from here, man.
• 29:52
  SPEAKER_01: I hope you had fun in your 20s because you'll never have fun again.
• 29:54
  SPEAKER_01: Nope.
• 29:55
  SPEAKER_00: And your limbs are gonna start to hurt.
• 29:57
  SPEAKER_00: So have fun with that.
• 29:58
  SPEAKER_01: Have fun making noises when you get up off the couch.
• 30:00
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, dog, your knees are about to pop, bro.
• 30:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's gonna be weird.
• 30:03
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, Basket said, Steph Hogan coming in with the colored people's elbow.
• 30:10
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, yeah.
• 30:12
  SPEAKER_00: The colored people's elbows, great.
• 30:15
  SPEAKER_00: Old timey sayings are always a bop.
• 30:17
  SPEAKER_01: That's a fire one, dude.
• 30:19
  SPEAKER_01: I love it.
• 30:20
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, so I'll do a quick uh update on the Steph Hogan Sitch.
• 30:24
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 30:25
  SPEAKER_01: Uh before we get into our next schmegment.
• 30:28
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
• 30:29
  SPEAKER_01: So obviously, all that shit went down, and I had mentioned that people in higher places were gathering evidence and written statements and documentation.
• 30:43
  SPEAKER_01: And then literally the next day after we recorded that episode and put it out, I fucking I was chilling in my office, and my boss came in my office and was like, uh, hey, so today or tomorrow, after so I had a meeting at 9 a.m.
• 31:05
  SPEAKER_01: something like that, nine or ten, I can't remember.
• 31:07
  SPEAKER_01: Uh she's like, after that meeting tomorrow, I need you to just jet back to your office and be ready to shut someone's access down and take all their shit away.
• 31:17
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, Okay, no problem.
• 31:19
  SPEAKER_01: Immediately I knew, obviously.
• 31:21
  SPEAKER_01: And she was like, Aren't you curious who it is?
• 31:25
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, Nope.
• 31:27
  SPEAKER_00: You already know.
• 31:28
  SPEAKER_01: She's like, You already know?
• 31:30
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, Come on, dude.
• 31:33
  SPEAKER_01: There's only one person, the most detestable person in this entire building.
• 31:38
  SPEAKER_01: And she thought I meant tractor faggot.
• 31:40
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, You're it's gonna blow your mind when I you hear me say this, but she's somehow fucking worse.
• 31:48
  SPEAKER_01: And she she's clearly worse.
• 31:50
  SPEAKER_01: This sh my wife, I almost called my boss my wife.
• 31:53
  SPEAKER_01: What the fuck?
• 31:54
  SPEAKER_01: My boss sorta kind of disagreed with me and was surprised to hear me say that.
• 31:59
  SPEAKER_01: And I was just like, It's it's hard to explain, but she's fucking worse.
• 32:04
  SPEAKER_01: She's worse in every way, somehow.
• 32:06
  SPEAKER_00: Definitely more of a like acute, active, like toxin on the environment.
• 32:12
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, at least Tractor Faggot tries to hide it and be sneaky about his scummery, yeah, which is arguably worse, but it's less abrasive all the time.
• 32:22
  SPEAKER_00: He's more opportunistic, yeah.
• 32:25
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so she said all that, and I was like, all right, word, and she's like, Don't tell anyone.
• 32:29
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, I'm not gonna fucking tell anybody.
• 32:32
  SPEAKER_01: I want everyone to be shocked and surprised by this whole situation.
• 32:37
  SPEAKER_01: Um and she was like, We already have a meeting scheduled with her.
• 32:44
  SPEAKER_01: We're gonna drop it on her during that meeting.
• 32:47
  SPEAKER_01: Like we planned it out because it was like a follow-up to a meeting that they had previously had, so it like seemed totally normal and chill.
• 32:59
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, Where are you gonna do it?
• 33:01
  SPEAKER_01: You're gonna do it down, like, because we have so all of our corporate shit's on the second floor of the building, and we have like this kind of corporate entrance that you have to come in that's sort of locked down so you can't get past anything without talking to anybody.
• 33:14
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, Are you gonna do it down there so like she can just fucking leave?
• 33:18
  SPEAKER_01: She's like, Well, no, she's gotta gather all of her stuff from her desk.
• 33:21
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, Oh shit, that's gonna be awesome.
• 33:25
  SPEAKER_01: She's gonna have a fucking meltdown, she's a psycho, right?
• 33:29
  SPEAKER_01: And she's like, Yeah, I don't know how she's I don't wanna fucking, I'm not looking forward to how she's gonna freak out and start yelling at us and all kinds of crazy shit.
• 33:36
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, Oh, this is gonna be awesome, bro.
• 33:39
  SPEAKER_00: Oh man.
• 33:40
  SPEAKER_01: So me knowing about when this is gonna happen, I'm like, all right, uh, I'm just gonna grab my laptop and have it ready to shut all of her shit down.
• 33:50
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna have all the stuff pulled up and ready to go, and I'm gonna fucking like, well, I you know, I need to fill my water bottle and be out here in the open area where I can hear all this stuff go down.
• 34:01
  SPEAKER_01: Cause I'm gonna I was like, I'm gonna have my phone in my pocket, ready to record.
• 34:05
  SPEAKER_00: You were peeping.
• 34:05
  SPEAKER_01: Dude, I was ready, bro.
• 34:08
  SPEAKER_01: And uh I didn't say shit to nobody.
• 34:11
  SPEAKER_01: I kept my fucking mouth shut after that meeting was over.
• 34:15
  SPEAKER_01: I like work my way that way, and I see like there's some other people kind of floating around and stuff.
• 34:21
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, oh man, there's gonna be an audience and everything.
• 34:23
  SPEAKER_01: And I walked they ended up doing it upstairs in one of the meeting rooms, and I walked by and I like, bro, it was like a married man walking down the sidewalk, and some slut with her tits hanging out is about to like walk in this way, and his wife's right here, and he's trying, like, dude, sweat dropping down my face, trying not to look over and see like how she's taking it.
• 34:45
  SPEAKER_01: Just kept my eyes forward, was like, I'm on a mission.
• 34:48
  SPEAKER_01: Can't fucking, I can't sell the goat that I'm like trying to fucking peep on this whole situation.
• 34:53
  SPEAKER_01: So I go and uh I see one of my guys is standing over in another person in our office's cubicle, and I'm like, perfect.
• 35:03
  SPEAKER_01: He's over there like helping her with a situation or whatever.
• 35:06
  SPEAKER_01: I'll go over there and it'll look totally normal because it's just the IT guys over here.
• 35:11
  SPEAKER_01: Like, we just got these new tablets for this lady and her underlings.
• 35:15
  SPEAKER_01: We're helping her resolve an issue with them.
• 35:17
  SPEAKER_01: So I just grab one of the tablets and I'm like acting like I'm looking at it, and then I look around, bro.
• 35:23
  SPEAKER_01: Somebody fucking somebody leaked because everybody was making it hella fucking obvious that they had like left their workstations and were congregating in different clumps, like waiting for this shit.
• 35:37
  SPEAKER_01: It was crazy, bro.
• 35:39
  SPEAKER_01: It was crazy.
• 35:40
  SPEAKER_01: Everybody knew what was going down.
• 35:43
  SPEAKER_01: Um Wow.
• 35:44
  SPEAKER_01: So we're sitting over there for a while, waiting and waiting, waiting, and finally, I like pop my head up from the cubicle.
• 35:51
  SPEAKER_01: I look over and I see her walking over to her cubicle, and I was like, here it comes.
• 35:56
  SPEAKER_01: And I waited and I waited, and nothing fucking happened, dude.
• 36:01
  SPEAKER_01: It was the most disappointing, like blue ball situation ever.
• 36:07
  SPEAKER_01: She just like she was making a fucking cunt face while she was emptying her desk out, but she just packed all of her shit up and fucking left.
• 36:19
  SPEAKER_01: That was it.
• 36:20
  SPEAKER_01: I was so disappointed.
• 36:22
  SPEAKER_00: That kind of makes sense because you gotta figure this this lady's had 40 jobs like this.
• 36:29
  SPEAKER_00: Surely, you know, maybe more.
• 36:31
  SPEAKER_00: So it's like onboarding and offboarding, she's a normal person.
• 36:37
  SPEAKER_00: But during the actual job, sh she has to let her fucking shit out.
• 36:42
  SPEAKER_00: She's she can't help it.
• 36:44
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I went and found my boss after she left, and I was like, what the fuck?
• 36:47
  SPEAKER_01: She didn't like make a scene or anything.
• 36:49
  SPEAKER_01: She was like, no, and even during the firing process, she acted like she knew it was coming.
• 36:55
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, Oh, I bet you this bitch was trying to get fired and is trying he's pulling like a fucking unemployment scam kind of thing.
• 37:03
  SPEAKER_00: It's gotta be.
• 37:03
  SPEAKER_00: I bet oh my god, I wonder if she goes unemployment job.
• 37:09
  SPEAKER_00: Unemployment job.
• 37:10
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, just fucking milking.
• 37:12
  SPEAKER_00: I bet.
• 37:14
  SPEAKER_01: She fucking sucked, dude.
• 37:15
  SPEAKER_01: There ain't no way they're she's gonna get unemployment out of this.
• 37:18
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 37:19
  SPEAKER_01: She fucking sucked.
• 37:21
  SPEAKER_01: But she's gone.
• 37:22
  SPEAKER_01: Everyone is like way more chill.
• 37:24
  SPEAKER_01: Like the tension is out of people.
• 37:26
  SPEAKER_01: Like everybody like this all the time.
• 37:28
  SPEAKER_01: And now they're all just kind of laxadaisical, enjoying the day.
• 37:33
  SPEAKER_01: Uh but yeah, that's that's the update.
• 37:35
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, she's fucking gone, dude.
• 37:36
  SPEAKER_01: Ding dong the witch is dead.
• 37:38
  SPEAKER_01: So life goes on.
• 37:40
  SPEAKER_01: We'll forget she ever existed pretty soon.
• 37:45
  SPEAKER_00: Fucking Steph Hogan.
• 37:47
  SPEAKER_00: The colored people's elbow was so funny, dude.
• 37:49
  SPEAKER_00: She did not she did not live up to her the gravitas of her tenure.
• 37:57
  SPEAKER_00: She really didn't like the ending, should have been far more climactic.
• 38:02
  SPEAKER_01: I thought for sure she would make a scene and we get like a oh captain my captain ass speech.
• 38:06
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 38:07
  SPEAKER_01: Or standing up on a fucking meeting table going, and you, and you, right, and this, and that none of that, bro.
• 38:15
  SPEAKER_00: Like the opposite of Oprah giving away cars.
• 38:17
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 38:19
  SPEAKER_00: But no.
• 38:20
  SPEAKER_00: Stupid.
• 38:21
  SPEAKER_01: Alas, it was not so.
• 38:23
  SPEAKER_00: Damn.
• 38:24
  SPEAKER_00: Hollywood Steph Hogan.
• 38:26
  SPEAKER_00: Rest in piss.
• 38:31
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, yeah, he is dead.
• 38:32
  SPEAKER_00: So it does make sense.
• 38:33
  SPEAKER_00: Both of them.
• 38:34
  SPEAKER_00: Uh both racist.
• 38:36
  SPEAKER_00: Uh yeah.
• 38:38
  SPEAKER_00: True, yeah.
• 38:39
  SPEAKER_00: Uh both unfuckable.
• 38:43
  SPEAKER_00: So I have a segment.
• 38:45
  SPEAKER_01: Uh-huh.
• 38:46
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, you have a drop.
• 38:47
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and we don't actually have to, you don't have to say five.
• 38:51
  SPEAKER_01: Ladies and gentlemen, here's Jake's dark web links for illicit photos of children.
• 38:55
  SPEAKER_01: Not that.
• 38:58
  SPEAKER_00: Wouldn't that be funny if I did say the links?
• 39:01
  SPEAKER_00: If I was like, okay, so it's HTTP.
• 39:04
  SPEAKER_01: The funny thing is, dark web links are just like a giant long string of random characters.
• 39:10
  SPEAKER_01: They don't even have any.
• 39:11
  SPEAKER_01: It's not even like HTTPS.
• 39:13
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, all right, lowercase E94, capital D six.
• 39:19
  SPEAKER_01: Like it would you would spend like five minutes reading it out.
• 39:22
  SPEAKER_00: God damn.
• 39:24
  SPEAKER_00: But this is a true top 10.
• 39:26
  SPEAKER_00: Uh things to say when waiting in line to vote.
• 39:32
  SPEAKER_00: Because in a couple of weeks is the uh midterms, you know?
• 39:35
  SPEAKER_00: And next episode, I won't be able to do a top ten, so now's the time.
• 39:40
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, you know.
• 39:42
  SPEAKER_00: Uh so yeah, it when you're in line to vote, these are just some ideas, some some things like just to, you know, to liven it up, you know.
• 39:51
  SPEAKER_00: Sure.
• 39:51
  SPEAKER_00: Number 10.
• 39:52
  SPEAKER_01: It is boring to be in line.
• 39:54
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 39:54
  SPEAKER_00: Number 10.
• 39:56
  SPEAKER_00: Uh remember, guys, Jesus is on the ballot.
• 40:01
  SPEAKER_00: And just proselytize to them.
• 40:04
  SPEAKER_02: Uh that's funny to do.
• 40:06
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, it's really funny.
• 40:07
  SPEAKER_00: If you you could go with another religion too.
• 40:09
  SPEAKER_00: You could go Muslim.
• 40:10
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 40:11
  SPEAKER_00: You could go a lahu Akbar or whatever.
• 40:13
  SPEAKER_00: Oh god.
• 40:14
  SPEAKER_00: That would be funny.
• 40:15
  SPEAKER_01: At certain states, just that phrase will get you fucking stomped into the ground.
• 40:19
  SPEAKER_00: You could do some Jew shit.
• 40:20
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what that would be.
• 40:22
  SPEAKER_00: Uh shalom.
• 40:23
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, something.
• 40:25
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, you know, there or Buddhist, which people would not pick up on, probably.
• 40:30
  SPEAKER_00: Like, yeah, I get you'd have to have a robe and shit.
• 40:33
  SPEAKER_00: It would be a whole thing.
• 40:35
  SPEAKER_00: Uh wear a robe.
• 40:37
  SPEAKER_00: That's funny.
• 40:38
  SPEAKER_00: To go vote, wear a robe, be like, I'm trying to be like Jesus.
• 40:42
  SPEAKER_01: You can do the monk robe thing like uh like a fucking Buddhist and be like, if we all vote for ourselves, we'll all be the leaders.
• 40:52
  SPEAKER_00: Nice.
• 40:53
  SPEAKER_00: Uh yeah, uh number nine.
• 40:56
  SPEAKER_00: Tap someone and say, Is your mom in there?
• 41:00
  SPEAKER_00: I hear she can really work the poll.
• 41:02
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my god.
• 41:03
  SPEAKER_00: That was just a way to get that was just a way to get a joke in there.
• 41:06
  SPEAKER_00: Get a rise out of a fellow.
• 41:07
  SPEAKER_00: Why don't you?
• 41:08
  SPEAKER_00: I just thought of that.
• 41:09
  SPEAKER_00: That's not a real one.
• 41:11
  SPEAKER_00: I like it.
• 41:12
  SPEAKER_00: There's a couple more of those, as you can guess.
• 41:15
  SPEAKER_00: Number eight, ask the person in front of you what accelerant would be best for a Molotov cocktail and how flammable they think the voting booths are.
• 41:24
  SPEAKER_00: Just ask them some shit.
• 41:26
  SPEAKER_00: We think that's made out of balsa.
• 41:27
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 41:28
  SPEAKER_00: Is that like corex, some kind of plastic or something?
• 41:31
  SPEAKER_00: What the fuck is that?
• 41:33
  SPEAKER_00: It's like corrugated or something.
• 41:35
  SPEAKER_00: You think that'll light?
• 41:36
  SPEAKER_00: You think it'll melt real good?
• 41:38
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 41:38
  SPEAKER_00: Catch a blaze.
• 41:39
  SPEAKER_00: You think, yeah.
• 41:40
  SPEAKER_00: You think I get a flame?
• 41:42
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know why.
• 41:42
  SPEAKER_01: Funny to think of a black guy that I mean my Molotov cocktails are made out of patrome.
• 41:51
  SPEAKER_01: Let me get that Kavassier cocktail real quick.
• 41:54
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 41:55
  SPEAKER_00: Hell yeah.
• 41:57
  SPEAKER_00: Molotov Kavassier is nice.
• 41:59
  SPEAKER_00: Um, number seven.
• 42:02
  SPEAKER_00: They say that felons.
• 42:05
  SPEAKER_00: They say that felons can't vote, but they also say I can't have a gun.
• 42:09
  SPEAKER_00: And we see how that turned out.
• 42:10
  SPEAKER_01: Oh shit.
• 42:11
  SPEAKER_00: And then gesture toward your waistband as though you do, in fact, have a gun.
• 42:15
  SPEAKER_01: Nice.
• 42:16
  SPEAKER_00: You know?
• 42:17
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 42:17
  SPEAKER_00: That's pretty fun.
• 42:18
  SPEAKER_00: Just say shit like that to make them think you're a criminal in some way.
• 42:22
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 42:23
  SPEAKER_00: Or unsavory in some way.
• 42:25
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 42:25
  SPEAKER_00: That's great.
• 42:26
  SPEAKER_00: And especially if it's the person in front of you.
• 42:28
  unknown: Oh.
• 42:29
  SPEAKER_00: Because you're just behind them the whole rest of the time.
• 42:32
  SPEAKER_01: They're going to be so uncomfortable.
• 42:33
  SPEAKER_00: The entire they might change their vote and shit.
• 42:36
  SPEAKER_00: Like their brain's going to be going crazy.
• 42:38
  SPEAKER_01: Oh.
• 42:39
  SPEAKER_01: Um, fuck, I forgot what I was gonna say.
• 42:42
  SPEAKER_01: Shit.
• 42:42
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I think uh in our state, felons are allowed to vote.
• 42:46
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, they are?
• 42:46
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 42:47
  SPEAKER_01: That's crazy for our state.
• 42:48
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 42:48
  SPEAKER_01: This lady I was at lunch with today, she said, I can finally vote again.
• 42:54
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, What'd you do to get locked up?
• 42:56
  SPEAKER_01: And she was like, felons in our she said, luckily, felons in our state can vote.
• 43:02
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, Why is that luckily?
• 43:06
  SPEAKER_01: And she was like, Well, you know, because I think that it's they should all be able to vote.
• 43:11
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, Yeah, me too, but I don't see why it's luckily.
• 43:14
  SPEAKER_01: I think I'm just maybe I'm getting caught up in semantics here.
• 43:17
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, but that's a weird way to put that.
• 43:19
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 43:20
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway.
• 43:20
  SPEAKER_00: No, it is.
• 43:21
  SPEAKER_00: I also think felons should be able to vote.
• 43:23
  SPEAKER_00: Who gives a fuck?
• 43:24
  SPEAKER_00: Well, it's a very small amount of people, and it's like if you're a Trump guy, you should want felons to vote.
• 43:32
  SPEAKER_00: Like I got they're more likely to vote for Trump, probably.
• 43:35
  SPEAKER_01: I got on a fucking soapbox about uh how like well, yeah, it's just another way for us to subjugate the minorities and not give them rights.
• 43:46
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 43:46
  SPEAKER_01: Blah blah blah.
• 43:48
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 43:48
  SPEAKER_01: I'm boring myself by repeating it.
• 43:50
  SPEAKER_00: You got it.
• 43:50
  SPEAKER_01: I was at work.
• 43:51
  SPEAKER_01: Nail on the head, dude.
• 43:53
  SPEAKER_01: I also said she was eating uh soup dumplings.
• 43:56
  SPEAKER_01: Have you heard of this?
• 43:57
  SPEAKER_01: Have you seen this?
• 43:58
  SPEAKER_01: They're like Chinese dumplings like you would have, but there's like broth inside of them.
• 44:05
  SPEAKER_01: Oh.
• 44:06
  SPEAKER_01: And she was describing this to me.
• 44:08
  SPEAKER_01: She got to the end.
• 44:09
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, this sounds like some fuck ass shit, some Gen Z loser made up.
• 44:13
  SPEAKER_01: And there was this black chick, the same one that got all up in arms about the uh mulatto comment.
• 44:20
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 44:20
  SPEAKER_01: She was like right across from us.
• 44:23
  SPEAKER_01: And she turned around and looked backwards.
• 44:26
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, I'm just kidding.
• 44:29
  SPEAKER_01: Cause she's also like in that age group.
• 44:31
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 44:32
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, I'm just fucking around.
• 44:33
  SPEAKER_01: Like, it's not that deep.
• 44:35
  SPEAKER_01: It's just a dumpling.
• 44:36
  SPEAKER_01: Turn around and go back to whatever.
• 44:38
  SPEAKER_01: If she said anything, be like leaves you were looking at on fucking black Twitter.
• 44:42
  SPEAKER_00: If she asked you a question, be like, uh, I'll have to mulatto it over.
• 44:49
  SPEAKER_00: Uh number six.
• 44:52
  SPEAKER_00: Whisper to the person in front of you, I'm gonna vote with my dick.
• 44:56
  SPEAKER_00: Oh shit.
• 44:59
  SPEAKER_00: Uh yeah.
• 45:00
  SPEAKER_00: Uh there's anthrax in the booth.
• 45:03
  SPEAKER_00: I guess I guess you could you could say it to the person behind you would be funnier.
• 45:07
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
• 45:08
  SPEAKER_00: Because then they have to touch the same buttons that supposedly you mushroom stamped.
• 45:13
  SPEAKER_00: Uh which my voting machine that I've used the last three times, you could definitely do with your dick.
• 45:21
  SPEAKER_00: It's like a touch screen.
• 45:22
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you could you could touch those buttons with your dick.
• 45:25
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it is, yeah.
• 45:26
  SPEAKER_00: But the just the uh whatever that word is about the screens, how reactive it is or whatever.
• 45:33
  SPEAKER_00: Oh yeah uh it's like uh it's pretty good.
• 45:36
  SPEAKER_01: You could you could definitely use your penis and just 10-point touch is probably created by ELO.
• 45:41
  SPEAKER_01: They're like the fucking boss hogs of the uh touch screen game.
• 45:44
  SPEAKER_01: I think it'd be funny if it's your turn and you turn around and you've got your hand in your pants scratching your balls, and you're like, I ran out of hand sanitizer.
• 45:56
  SPEAKER_01: Oh well, good luck, everyone else.
• 45:59
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, hey, do you remember during the fart party when you kept saying ham sanitizer?
• 46:05
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
• 46:08
  SPEAKER_00: That was pretty fun.
• 46:09
  SPEAKER_00: And then, oh dude, when you're on acid and you think about someone rubbing hand sanitizer all over a fucking ham.
• 46:19
  SPEAKER_00: That shit that gets your goat, dude.
• 46:21
  SPEAKER_01: It does, bro.
• 46:23
  SPEAKER_01: Uh number what you could right before right after the hand sanitizer thing, you could say, that's all right.
• 46:28
  SPEAKER_01: I don't think I'm breaking out today.
• 46:30
  SPEAKER_01: And there's herpes all over it.
• 46:32
  SPEAKER_00: What the fuck?
• 46:34
  SPEAKER_00: Herpole derpoleys, dude.
• 46:36
  SPEAKER_00: Uh number five.
• 46:38
  SPEAKER_00: Ask those around you if the voting booth is non-smoking.
• 46:42
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, nice.
• 46:43
  SPEAKER_00: As though it's 1994.
• 46:45
  SPEAKER_00: It's one of those non-smoking booth sections.
• 46:48
  SPEAKER_00: It does.
• 46:49
  SPEAKER_00: There's no no-smoking sign.
• 46:51
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 46:52
  SPEAKER_00: Uh number four.
• 46:55
  SPEAKER_00: And this you would like exclaim loudly while you're in line, and there's a bunch of people around, you know?
• 47:02
  SPEAKER_00: Either way, the Jews win.
• 47:04
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, yeah.
• 47:06
  SPEAKER_00: That's great.
• 47:06
  SPEAKER_00: That's good.
• 47:07
  SPEAKER_00: That should be number one in hindsight.
• 47:10
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, you know what the best thing to shout out would be.
• 47:12
  SPEAKER_01: Ah, left wing, right wing, same beak in the middle.
• 47:18
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that's great.
• 47:20
  SPEAKER_00: That's even better because it's veiled.
• 47:23
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 47:24
  SPEAKER_00: Uh number three.
• 47:27
  SPEAKER_00: How long do you think it would take the cops to get here?
• 47:30
  SPEAKER_00: That's something good to say.
• 47:32
  SPEAKER_01: Like that one.
• 47:34
  SPEAKER_01: That's awesome.
• 47:35
  SPEAKER_00: And I didn't say it in the right tone because I'm not reading ahead.
• 47:39
  SPEAKER_00: So and I wrote this list uh maybe like seven hours ago.
• 47:43
  SPEAKER_00: Uh number two, find a person who looks like they're going to vote the opposite of you and say loudly, How can you vote if you're not from here?
• 47:56
  SPEAKER_00: And just allude to them being an illegal alien.
• 47:59
  SPEAKER_00: That's very funny.
• 48:00
  SPEAKER_00: That's awesome.
• 48:02
  SPEAKER_00: And they would like that terminology, by the way.
• 48:04
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 48:05
  SPEAKER_01: I think it'd be funny to to strike up a conversation with someone and like find out like who they're voting for, and then be like, Well, I don't fucking like you, so I'm gonna vote the opposite, and now your vote's cancelled out.
• 48:18
  unknown: Yeah.
• 48:19
  SPEAKER_01: We could both just leave right now.
• 48:21
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and it'd be the same.
• 48:24
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 48:25
  SPEAKER_00: You could just fight that person in the parking lot, and it would change nothing.
• 48:30
  SPEAKER_01: Right, exactly.
• 48:31
  SPEAKER_00: So you might as well.
• 48:32
  SPEAKER_01: That would be more fun than standing in line for another 20 minutes.
• 48:36
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 48:37
  SPEAKER_00: And just punching a bunch of names you don't recognize.
• 48:39
  SPEAKER_01: They won one that you do.
• 48:41
  SPEAKER_01: They went all a bunch of people went and voted at lunch today at work.
• 48:45
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah.
• 48:46
  SPEAKER_01: And they were like, Are you coming?
• 48:47
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, I would never fucking vote.
• 48:49
  SPEAKER_01: And they were like, You have to do your civic duty.
• 48:52
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, We're all slaves.
• 48:55
  SPEAKER_01: We're all slaves, and you're gonna go vote for our new master.
• 48:58
  SPEAKER_01: Shut up and get out of my office.
• 49:00
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 49:02
  SPEAKER_00: You're just going down there to suck the Pharaoh's dick at this point.
• 49:06
  SPEAKER_00: Just gotta pick who's gonna hold the whip.
• 49:09
  SPEAKER_01: I want my guy to hold the whip.
• 49:12
  SPEAKER_01: Fuck off.
• 49:13
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, dude.
• 49:14
  SPEAKER_01: I vote anarchy.
• 49:15
  SPEAKER_01: How about that?
• 49:16
  SPEAKER_01: Is that on the ballot?
• 49:17
  SPEAKER_01: I vote nothing.
• 49:18
  SPEAKER_01: Can I vote that all the banks get drained tomorrow and we start over?
• 49:22
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 49:23
  SPEAKER_00: We just divide the money up.
• 49:25
  SPEAKER_00: We just split it.
• 49:26
  SPEAKER_00: That'd be sick, actually.
• 49:28
  SPEAKER_00: We probably have like a million dollars.
• 49:30
  SPEAKER_00: You have like a decent amount of money, and everyone else would also have that million dollars.
• 49:35
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, so money would then be worthless, which is exactly what I'm going for.
• 49:39
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 49:40
  SPEAKER_01: Uh another cool thing, TL, I'll give an honorable mention for your thing.
• 49:45
  SPEAKER_01: Sure.
• 49:45
  SPEAKER_01: Look at look at somebody else and be like, which one uh is gonna legalize weed?
• 49:50
  SPEAKER_01: That's who I'm voting for.
• 49:52
  SPEAKER_01: Does anybody know?
• 49:53
  SPEAKER_00: Nice.
• 49:55
  SPEAKER_00: While you're smoking a joint, preferably, or at least vaping it.
• 49:59
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 50:00
  SPEAKER_00: And exclaiming that it like talking to everyone about your vape.
• 50:03
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 50:03
  SPEAKER_00: About your weed vape.
• 50:05
  SPEAKER_00: This is real THC, dude.
• 50:06
  SPEAKER_00: You want anybody want to hit this?
• 50:07
  SPEAKER_00: It's the fucking new resin thing, dude.
• 50:10
  SPEAKER_00: It's really good.
• 50:12
  SPEAKER_01: Live resin, I think.
• 50:13
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 50:14
  SPEAKER_01: Anybody else gonna close their eyes when they go in the booth?
• 50:21
  SPEAKER_00: Just hunt and peck.
• 50:22
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, dude.
• 50:23
  SPEAKER_00: Oh man.
• 50:24
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 50:25
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, going into the voting booth.
• 50:27
  SPEAKER_00: I'm picking deaf over blind every time.
• 50:30
  SPEAKER_01: It'd be cool if they had left, right, and then a question mark, and it's random.
• 50:36
  SPEAKER_01: Like you're in the fucking Mortal Kombat create a question.
• 50:39
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 50:44
  SPEAKER_01: Green party.
• 50:45
  SPEAKER_01: Damn it.
• 50:46
  SPEAKER_01: Fuck.
• 50:46
  SPEAKER_01: Wasted my fucking vote.
• 50:48
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 50:49
  SPEAKER_00: Except that you didn't because you stuck it to the man.
• 50:52
  SPEAKER_00: That's right.
• 50:53
  SPEAKER_00: You said I'd rather vote for this non-thing than you, you piece of shit.
• 50:58
  SPEAKER_01: I voted for Matthew McConaughey.
• 51:02
  SPEAKER_01: Every time.
• 51:03
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 51:03
  SPEAKER_00: Regardless of if he's running.
• 51:06
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, yeah, I've always vote for him.
• 51:08
  SPEAKER_00: Things wouldn't be great, but they might be all right, all right, all right.
• 51:11
  SPEAKER_00: Hell yeah, dude.
• 51:12
  SPEAKER_00: Hell yeah.
• 51:14
  SPEAKER_00: He was, I mean, he was fucking riveting in Dallas Buyers Club.
• 51:17
  SPEAKER_00: So just for that alone, he deserves my vote.
• 51:20
  SPEAKER_00: Season one of True Detective.
• 51:21
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, huge, dude.
• 51:22
  SPEAKER_00: Fuck.
• 51:23
  SPEAKER_00: So many, so many atheist quotes out of that somehow.
• 51:27
  SPEAKER_01: Crazy.
• 51:28
  SPEAKER_01: Did you do number one yet?
• 51:30
  SPEAKER_01: No, no.
• 51:30
  SPEAKER_00: Number one's kind of number one, yeah.
• 51:32
  SPEAKER_00: Uh all right, number one.
• 51:34
  SPEAKER_00: Would you rather?
• 51:37
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 51:39
  SPEAKER_00: It starts with a W.
• 51:40
  SPEAKER_00: Dude, that just fucking And every time I grab my phone, like eight times out of ten, I'm doing a would you rather?
• 51:48
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 51:49
  SPEAKER_00: And it starts with a W.
• 51:50
  SPEAKER_00: So my brain was like, we've been here before.
• 51:52
  SPEAKER_00: Jake Bot malfunction.
• 51:54
  SPEAKER_00: We'll handle it from here, bud.
• 51:57
  SPEAKER_00: Number one.
• 51:58
  SPEAKER_00: Whisper to the person in front of you, I'm gonna vote with my pussy.
• 52:04
  SPEAKER_00: And then giggle to yourself like an Asian schoolgirl.
• 52:08
  unknown: Fuck, dude.
• 52:09
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know why that was number one.
• 52:12
  SPEAKER_00: That tickled me at 2 p.m.
• 52:14
  SPEAKER_00: today when I wrote this list.
• 52:17
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, that's a funny thing to do.
• 52:20
  SPEAKER_00: That would creep someone out.
• 52:23
  SPEAKER_01: How do you so how when you go in the booth?
• 52:25
  SPEAKER_01: How do you like identify yourself on the machine?
• 52:30
  SPEAKER_01: Uh I don't think you do.
• 52:32
  SPEAKER_01: I think you just vote.
• 52:33
  SPEAKER_01: You just walk in and hit a button?
• 52:35
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 52:35
  SPEAKER_01: What if you were like, you're just it doesn't say your name or anything?
• 52:39
  SPEAKER_01: What if you're like, hey man, I gotta go.
• 52:41
  SPEAKER_01: Will you just hit the button twice?
• 52:44
  SPEAKER_01: Just whatever you I'll go with.
• 52:46
  SPEAKER_01: You seem cool.
• 52:47
  SPEAKER_01: I'll go with whatever you're picking.
• 52:49
  SPEAKER_01: Just hit it, just double tap.
• 52:51
  SPEAKER_01: I gotta go.
• 52:52
  SPEAKER_00: Your guy is my guy.
• 52:53
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 52:54
  SPEAKER_00: Do it.
• 52:54
  SPEAKER_00: You can keep my sticker too.
• 52:57
  SPEAKER_00: Because that's what half of these people are here for.
• 53:00
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, is the fucking sticker so they can post a picture online about it.
• 53:04
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 53:05
  unknown: Yeah.
• 53:05
  SPEAKER_00: You said that like an old man.
• 53:07
  SPEAKER_01: I want to go on like one of those uh sticker printing websites and print a bunch of fake I voted stickers.
• 53:13
  SPEAKER_01: It's misspelled.
• 53:14
  SPEAKER_01: And sell them to all the people that did couldn't be bothered to vote so that they don't get hassled.
• 53:20
  SPEAKER_00: I vetoed.
• 53:21
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 53:22
  SPEAKER_00: I I vetoed.
• 53:24
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 53:25
  SPEAKER_00: I like that idea.
• 53:26
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 53:27
  SPEAKER_00: I voted.
• 53:29
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 53:29
  SPEAKER_00: You would mix the O and the and the T or whatever.
• 53:32
  SPEAKER_00: Or I vetoed.
• 53:33
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 53:34
  SPEAKER_00: Something.
• 53:35
  SPEAKER_00: You could figure it out.
• 53:36
  SPEAKER_00: Let's try a couple more combinations.
• 53:38
  SPEAKER_00: That's it.
• 53:39
  SPEAKER_00: That's got a far as it goes.
• 53:41
  SPEAKER_00: All the middle letters are done.
• 53:42
  SPEAKER_00: I did.
• 53:42
  SPEAKER_00: I did it.
• 53:44
  SPEAKER_00: You gotta keep the V and the D.
• 53:45
  SPEAKER_01: I vot D.
• 53:47
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 53:48
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 53:49
  SPEAKER_00: Cool.
• 53:49
  SPEAKER_01: Alright.
• 53:55
  SPEAKER_02: Cool.
• 54:00
  SPEAKER_01: I like yeah, I like to be mischievous.
• 54:02
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I th I thought that was a fun concept.
• 54:05
  SPEAKER_00: And it's dude, it's gonna be quite the blue wave, uh, apparently, according to the pollsters.
• 54:11
  SPEAKER_00: And it's uh it's very funny.
• 54:13
  SPEAKER_00: Sure, man.
• 54:14
  SPEAKER_00: I've been listening, I've been listening to a lot of political content leading up about all the contentious races.
• 54:22
  SPEAKER_01: There's a couple of the blacks, the whites.
• 54:25
  SPEAKER_00: No, the uh uh sorry for saying blacks first, uh the two black people listening to this.
• 54:32
  SPEAKER_00: Um fast as fuck, too.
• 54:37
  SPEAKER_00: You're ten toes down with us.
• 54:39
  SPEAKER_00: Standing on bits, dude.
• 54:44
  SPEAKER_00: I've been playing so much NFL Street.
• 54:48
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not gonna lie.
• 54:49
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like I'm like a little blacker, you know?
• 54:52
  SPEAKER_00: Just a little.
• 54:54
  SPEAKER_01: Like he's about to start calling it NFL Street.
• 54:59
  SPEAKER_00: I played on my game cast.
• 55:01
  SPEAKER_01: Hell yeah, dog.
• 55:02
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, 40.
• 55:05
  SPEAKER_00: Uh yeah, I didn't have a broader point.
• 55:09
  SPEAKER_00: It makes me feel blacker that I'm playing this like street football game.
• 55:13
  SPEAKER_01: I think what popped into your head is I want this episode to be over so we can play NFL Street.
• 55:17
  SPEAKER_01: That is part of it.
• 55:18
  SPEAKER_00: That was definitely part of it.
• 55:21
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I feel that.
• 55:22
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, we're only at 55 minutes.
• 55:24
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like we're like we're being Israeli settlers right now.
• 55:28
  SPEAKER_00: Nah.
• 55:29
  SPEAKER_00: And uh the the Palestinian uh people in the West Bank would be the listener right now because we're just stealing their minutes.
• 55:38
  SPEAKER_01: Nah, bro.
• 55:38
  SPEAKER_01: We put out so many hour and a half plusers.
• 55:41
  SPEAKER_01: Plus, I had a turkey sandwich before I came over here.
• 55:45
  SPEAKER_01: I'm hungry.
• 55:45
  SPEAKER_01: I got a bag of beef jerky at home with my fucking name on it.
• 55:48
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 55:49
  SPEAKER_01: Because my name is Bridgeford.
• 55:51
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 55:51
  SPEAKER_01: Um nice.
• 55:58
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm about to go crack that shit open, feed my cat.
• 56:02
  SPEAKER_01: Nice.
• 56:02
  SPEAKER_01: Not in that order, and play some NFL screet with my number one Negro in the whole wide world.
• 56:10
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, dude.
• 56:10
  SPEAKER_01: We're gonna do it.
• 56:11
  SPEAKER_01: You guys have been eating good.
• 56:13
  SPEAKER_01: You get a short one this week.
• 56:15
  SPEAKER_00: Deal with it.
• 56:16
  SPEAKER_00: It's uh on the Patreon.
• 56:17
  SPEAKER_00: Also, next week we have a fucking we have some shit coming.
• 56:21
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah.
• 56:22
  SPEAKER_00: We're doing the uh Halloween episode.
• 56:24
  SPEAKER_00: Our own stories for the Halloween episode.
• 56:26
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 56:27
  SPEAKER_01: Spurgy Spooks us wrote the stories edition.
• 56:30
  SPEAKER_00: The spook tacular episode.
• 56:32
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, they were gonna get all spooked out.
• 56:36
  SPEAKER_00: We should do a rap song for the intro.
• 56:39
  SPEAKER_01: That would be sick.
• 56:40
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 56:40
  SPEAKER_01: I had an idea for a new intro uh while I was pissing today, and I forgot that I had that idea until now.
• 56:48
  SPEAKER_01: I need to write the idea down because I think it's I think it's a cool idea.
• 56:52
  SPEAKER_01: It's just it'll take a bunch of work for me to put it together, but it's one of those things that'll be like, this is just the intro from now on, and I'll never have to we'll never have to do anything again.
• 57:01
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, okay.
• 57:01
  SPEAKER_00: Cool.
• 57:02
  SPEAKER_01: Anyway, thanks for listening, boys.
• 57:05
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 57:06
  SPEAKER_01: Don't forget to leave a sponify comment.
• 57:08
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, dude.
• 57:08
  SPEAKER_00: We'll keep reading them.
• 57:09
  SPEAKER_00: We'll try to remember.
• 57:10
  SPEAKER_01: We love it.
• 57:11
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
• 57:12
  SPEAKER_01: Uh if you want to check out more of our shit, patreon.com slash fartmouth.
• 57:16
  SPEAKER_01: Yep.
• 57:17
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, there's several tiers.
• 57:18
  SPEAKER_01: You've heard it all before.
• 57:20
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 57:20
  SPEAKER_01: Chuck us a couple bucks, get some more shit.
• 57:23
  SPEAKER_01: We're gonna go play NFL Street.
• 57:24
  SPEAKER_01: NFL Street.
• 57:25
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm gonna eat beef jerky.