Latest / Man In Your Corner with Shaun Tucker / Ep. 27 | Overcoming Toxic Mentorship: A Founder Dad’s Journey to Mental Fitness and Leadership
Transcript
- Shaun: Welcome back to episode 27 of the reset. This is me, Shaun Tucker, as your host. Today, I'm gonna actually dive into something pretty personal here. I had a really, really terrible personal training mentor six years ago, six, seven years ago. And this coach, trainer, mentor was someone who had a similar story to myself. You know, he was kind of shamed as being the fat kid when he was younger. Found gym and fitness to really help him build himself and then he showed others how to do it as well. But I remember being and feeling like I wanted to be so validated by this guy that I... in the middle of building my business, my personal training business in person, paying this guy a large sum of money to be part of his mentoring program. I loved Olympic weightlifting. I was doing that for quite some time. I dropped all of that to pursue going to do a natural bodybuilding contest. One, to prove myself to him and two, to actually do better than he did in his competition. I know it's kinda stupid and definitely a deep insecurity of mine but the reason I want to bring this into the conversation is I only recently in the last probably year or so actually fell in love with training again and I say that because the last four years before that So really since mid 2020. sorry mid-2021 edgy on 2022 is when I instead of train body weight, weights, whatever, I went on a path of yoga instead and I'm so glad and grateful that I did because now it's become such an important part of my life that I do it every single day but I wasn't training, I wasn't exercising like I used to, go to the gym and really enjoying the process of showing up getting fitter, getting stronger. Because I was doing yoga for an entirely different reason. Yes, you do build a lot of dynamic strength doing yoga and it's helped me a lot with my strength and rebuilding my core foundations. But there's something about training calisthenics or powerlifting or something in the gym that just... it's different. It's different. You can't compare apples to oranges. And back when I had this mentor I was really... I was starving for connection. I guess connection to myself, connection to faith, connection to other humans. And this guy ripped me to shreds. He ripped me to shreds. This was before I decided I was going to go and do a bodybuilding competition and even hire one of his coaches and be prepared, get prepped by one of his coaches to compete in the following year. I was at one of the days and he noticed that I was quite reserved and quiet, which I normally am anyway, I'm quite introverted. But when I explained to him what was going on, I started crying. And he's like, what's going on man? Like, is your dad dead? And I said, no. And I just started crying even more. And You know, it struck a nerve in me because it struck a nerve in him. His dad passed away probably a year or two before that. And I don't think the connection and relationship was a positive one. It was very negatively reinforced. And what I mean by that is he learned to become very disciplined through hard work, yes. But his relationships... that he had thereafter were crumbling, they were very fragile. And people will say, ⁓ that's just him. But really it was just his inability to face reality and face the things that he was running away from. And in this moment where he was accusing me of my dad being dead, you know, the whole room, was like probably six or seven other people in this room. were just present but not almost like it was swept under the rug a little bit. And I sat there and he asked me what I wanted and I said, for whatever reason, said, I want to do a bodybuilding competition, but I don't have the confidence to do it. Anyway, long story short. I decided to choose to follow his dream of what he wanted to do because I didn't have the courage to speak up and say that that was wrong. Had he had presented with safety in his nervous system and not have to be the alpha in the room, the alpha coach, the alpha man, the one who gives advice, the one who leads but leads with this false sense of security. Had he have just looked at me and said, I'm sorry man. I'm sorry. How can I support you? Had you given me that moment, think things would have been very different. How do you let me? express whatever it was that was on my heart and my emotions at the time, maybe things would be very different right now. So if I look back at that moment I'm so grateful, but it's one of those moments that you look back and you say that shaped me to who I am today and I'm so grateful but ⁓ my goodness it was painful. How the hell can someone like that with that level of authority in that space have that kind of carelessness about them because being a coach is so much more than just being this rah rah high energy alpha fitness guy who doesn't really give shit about anyone else but themselves. This is where I learned to be a really really great coach. This is where I learned to develop the character that I have now. One who listens, one who actually gives a damn. Because it's not about just force feeding. It's not about having this ridiculous level of willpower and discipline because that system will break you eventually. If it's not... Mentally it will be physiologically later down the track. So now this is why it's so important for me to build us a system that values relationships, family, connection with business, with the body, because it's only in the last year, it's taken me five years to rebuild that relationship that I had with fitness. The genuine love for being in fitness, the passion. that undeniable passion that it just feels so good to move your body, to have those endorphins flowing. Because endorphins weren't something that I was getting when I was forcing myself to exercise. And the last time before I started feeling it again, only the last year, was five or six years ago. It was the moments before that situation occurred. And my message to you today is not to... Not to point the finger out and blame the people who have hurt you, but to look at it in a way. where you can see that it's an unhealed part of you. If that's what you've built yourself on. and you don't want to change it, then that's okay. I don't think that there's a right way to do things, but I would say that your kids will remember you the way that you are. They will remember the way you made them feel. And so if you're listening to this and you care about that relationship you have with your kids and you want to be a remembered, unforgettable dad. then keep listening. Because this is why I do what I do. I help other dads. Especially those ones who running businesses. reconnect with the reason why they're doing running business. It's probably to create an impact of positive ripple effects on their family and fitness when used in the right way can really help you build the energy and capacity. to not only show up better as a dad, but to show up better as a leader in your business and just show up as yourself. become unforgettable. So I'd love to invite you if you live in Melbourne, especially in the southern eastern suburbs, we have a free 6am on Sunday workout every single week. It goes for 45 minutes. It's in Mulgrave. And then we go down for coffees and chats at Mackie Road Cafe in Mulgrave. If you found value in this episode, encourage you to share it with just one person. And if you're sick of chasing that, that alpha identity that just leaves you feeling burned out, the alpha fitness project, it's the real alpha. He's not the loudest in the room. He's the one who shows up with presence. He's the unforgettable one. pumped to see you in the next episode. Thanks for tuning in.