Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / How to stop ruminating thoughts and replaying scenarios that make you go crazy. (E)

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How to stop ruminating thoughts and replaying scenarios that make you go crazy. (E) · Do You F*cking Mind?

• 0:10
  Speaker 1: Hello everyone, and welcome to the episode of today. So
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: in today's episode, I want to be talking about the
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: idea of replaying scenarios in your head. Another way of
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: looking at this is ruminating thoughts. But it's this idea
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: and I get asked quite often and a lot of
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: the time it comes down to relationships and interactions you've
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: had with people, but it can also be missed opportunities.
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: It could also be when you failed at something, when
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: you feel like you fell short or you could have
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: done something better. And it's this you replay the scenario
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: again and again and again and again, and you find
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: yourself stuck in a loop. You can't break out of it.
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: You're like, I just don't want to think about this anymore.
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: So I'm going to explain to you, firstly, what exactly
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: is ruminating thoughts, Like, what does it mean? What is it?
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: Then I'm going to talk about why it happens or
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: why it's more likely to happen to some people versus
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: other people, depending on your past situations. And then I'm
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: going to give you some little tools on how to
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: grab these thoughts when they're happening and turn it around
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: so you can do something A bit more productive with
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: that thought. You kind of nip it in the butt
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: and it doesn't turn into this avalanche where you feel
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: like you're stuck in this endless loop, this cycle, okay,
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: because it is normal to have thoughts come into your
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: mind that you don't want to think about. That is normal.
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: So if you're someone that's sitting here thinking, I always
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: have ruminating thoughts and I kind of never stop thinking
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: about it. This happens to everyone. But what I'm trying
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: to get you to do is when this happens, what
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: can I do about it? How do I intercept it?
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  Speaker 1: How do I minimize this? Okay? Because I don't believe
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: that it's going to be beneficial to be like just
• 1:51
  Speaker 1: think up your thoughts or just don't think about it.
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: You get to a place where you'd never be anxious.
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: That's bullshit. Everyone experiences anxiety. Everyone experiences these things. It's
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: the difference between people that overall a lot more calmer
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: and carefree versus those who aren't is that these people
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: likely have well A a different life experience that's caused
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: them to not go down that path, or b they've
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: got the tools at their disposal that when they start
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: feeling this way, they can do something about it. They
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: can intercept it and change it and they feel a
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: lot better. And that could be you. Okay, so we
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: all can do something about these ruminating thoughts. So let's
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: talk about it rumination. So it's this idea of replaying
• 2:30
  Speaker 1: scenarios in your head. It's thinking of something repetitively. It's
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: dwelling on them. It's dwelling on these negative thoughts, constantly
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: thinking about what caused the negative event, what could cause
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: a negative event, and also thinking about the consequences of
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: this negative event on repeat. So the main issue with this,
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: you know, replaying scenarios ruminating thoughts, is that it pushes
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: you into fixation. This fixation on the bad, on the
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: negative highlights what's gone wrong, and it makes it harder
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: for you to put things into perspective or give as
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: much attention to the good things versus the bad things
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: happening in your life. So you end up, you know,
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: magnifying or highlighting all the negative things and then all
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: the good things. You're kind of like, yeah, well you know,
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: maybe you know oh that yeah, it's kind of like
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: an outlier. That's oh, that's not the common thing for me,
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: but the bad this is happening all the time. This
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: is really taking over my life, and it's difficult to
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: put it into perspective. Ruminating is also a lot worse
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: in people with anxiety and depression. It is a symptom
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: of OCD, it's a symptom of generalized anxiety disorder as well,
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: and also other forms of anxiety disorders and depression. And
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: this can be chronic, this ongoing thing for you, but
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: it can also be acute. So, for example, if you're
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: going through a high stress rough patch in your life
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: and you're someone that normally has never had these ruminating thoughts,
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: sometimes accumulation of stress in many different areas of your
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: life can need you to these ruminating thoughts. Because you're
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: more on edge, you're more anxious, you're probably your mood
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: is down, you're likely to have maybe depressive thoughts, and
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  Speaker 1: therefore you're more likely to kind of fall into this rumination.
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  Speaker 1: So some people actually are quite surprised when they experience
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: it for the first time if they haven't experienced it
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: in the past, because it's quite intense and it feels
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: like it absolutely takes over your day. Because it does
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  Speaker 1: the APA the American Psychological Association calls it obsessional thinking,
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: involving excessive, repetitive thoughts or themes that interfere with other
• 4:32
  Speaker 1: forms of mental activity. Now, there's different types of ruminating,
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  Speaker 1: so I'm going to go through them, and a lot
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  Speaker 1: of people have more than one. If you're somebody that
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  Speaker 1: has these repetitive thoughts, these ruminating thoughts, replaying scenarios all
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: the time, you might think about all four of them,
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: be like, yep, I'd do all of them, or maybe
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: it's just one. So the first one is intrusive thoughts.
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  Speaker 1: It feels like it's this uncle controllable thought that's linked
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: to an event or something that stresses you out, and
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  Speaker 1: it feels like you have no control. And once that
• 5:07
  Speaker 1: thought comes in, it's really hard to snap out of it.
• 5:10
  Speaker 1: You feel like a bit of a hostage to your thoughts,
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: interestive thoughts, okay, And then because of that, you're like, well,
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  Speaker 1: I didn't bring it on. I was just doing something
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: and all of a sudden this sort appeared and I
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: have no control of it. It's really intense, and that's
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  Speaker 1: when I start to ruminate. The next one is deliberate,
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: so that is where you actively will circle back and
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: think about something to really try and understand it. So,
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  Speaker 1: for example, you could be sitting down having a conversation
• 5:37
  Speaker 1: with someone sem me distracted, and then you're like, I'm
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: going to check my phone. I'm going to try and
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: look at that person's profile again. And then when you
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: start looking at the profile, I'm going to read their
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: messages again. What was their last message that they sent
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: to me? No, I'm sure I can read something into
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  Speaker 1: it this time. But if I scroll up, what about
• 5:50
  Speaker 1: But what were they saying two weeks ago? But why
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: did this thing fall? The part? So that's deliberate. You
• 5:54
  Speaker 1: are taking yourself down that rabbit hole. You're trying to
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: gain level of understanding. You're trying to kind of crack
• 6:02
  Speaker 1: the mystery of whatever it is that's going on, so
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: you can really see it from every single possible angle
• 6:08
  Speaker 1: inside which I'm going to I'm going to explain more
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: of this later. This this need to resolve or you know,
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: find the answer. The next one is brooding, and that
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  Speaker 1: is where you think about your current situation in a
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: negative way. You think about the things that you've done wrong,
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: you think about what's currently going wrong for you. So
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: it's not necessarily focusing on just one thing, whether it
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: be I got fired for this thing and it's so unfair,
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: and then why or that person got promoted over me,
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: or that person ghosted me, whether it's one thing versus
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: brooding where you're like, everything's going wrong with me. If
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: I can failed that thing, this person didn't say hi
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: to me this morning, I must, I must, they must
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: hate me. And then you know that cab went right
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: past me and I couldn't get in. I couldn't get in,
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: and then and then a lot of the and then
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: so you then start like adding and adding and adding
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: and adding of everything that's going wrong. So then you
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: become this ball of what feels like negative just negative vibe,
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  Speaker 1: negative energy, and it's really hard to break out of that.
• 6:59
  Speaker 1: And then you just keep bringing in, drawing in more
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  Speaker 1: of the same negativity. Then the last one is reflection,
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  Speaker 1: which is where you start to fixate on your own feelings,
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: which this can be done in a healthy way and
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: also in an unhealthy way. Reflection can be a very
• 7:16
  Speaker 1: very helpful tool, and I will touch on that as
• 7:19
  Speaker 1: a tool, but sometimes without insight, we'll just think back
• 7:22
  Speaker 1: at our feelings and I'm feeling this water and then
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: it just brings on more of the feelings. So I'm
• 7:26
  Speaker 1: going to give you some tools to use reflection in
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  Speaker 1: a really productive way. Of Course, as I said, it's
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: got the ability to bring on depression and anxiety, but
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  Speaker 1: also it's going to increase your overall stress. It's going
• 7:37
  Speaker 1: to lead to chronic stress, which then will cause sleep problems.
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  Speaker 1: It impacts your ability to process emotions better. The reason
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: for that being is that when you're in this highly
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: emotional state, this reactive state, you are less likely to
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: feel that connection between your reasoning centers in the brain. Okay,
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: and so when you have less connection between your reasoning
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: centers and your emotional centers, then and you're going to
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: kind of fly off the handlebars and you're going to
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: be highly highly emotional. You're going to really struggle to
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  Speaker 1: process things in a really calm and measured way when
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: you're able. Like I said in recent episodes, this idea
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: of name entertainment bringing the logical mind into intercept the
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  Speaker 1: emotional mind that allows you to process your emotions a
• 8:17
  Speaker 1: lot better. We need multiple regions of the brain to
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: help us process our emotions and not just sit in
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: this fear or anger based state, which is just going
• 8:25
  Speaker 1: to exacerbate the feeling that you're feeling right now. Okay,
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  Speaker 1: So that is why it's going to impact your ability
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: to process emotions, because you're staying in this emotional state
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  Speaker 1: without bringing in your reasoning as well. And then of course,
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: for that same reason, it impacts your focus, it impacts
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: your ability to think clearly, it makes depression worse, and
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: then of course it's going to affect your health in
• 8:45
  Speaker 1: other areas. And then interestingly, it increases impulse behaviors and
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: it also increases the likelihood of substance abuse, which in
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: a way makes sense. When you're feeling quite down and
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: low and you feel stuck, you are more likely to
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: try and find external things to pacify this negative feeling.
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  Speaker 1: So that's why I say that it makes sense because
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: when you feel down, what are you more likely to do?
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  Speaker 1: Are you more likely to go for a walk outside
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: or pick up your phone and go into social media
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: the social media? Are you more likely to have to
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: stressful day, think Wow, I'm going to try and like
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: really calmly unwind, or are you going to go and
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: have a couple of glasses of your favorite alcohol? You know?
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: So this is why it's going to increase impulsivity because
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: you're like, I need to snap out of this. I
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: need to snap out of this. I can't seem to
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: do it on my own. I'm going to reach for
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: this behavior. I'm going to reach for this distraction. I'm
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: going to reach for these things. That is why it's
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: going to be increasing the likelihood of impulsive behaviors. And
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: again for another reason, on a neurological level or a
• 9:47
  Speaker 1: brain level, because you're not using your logical mind or
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: or your reasoning mind to intercept with your emotions, then
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: you become more impulsive and reactive as well. So it's
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: all emotional emotional emotional. Since now these are ways that
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: it can play out, you could be going over an argument,
• 10:10
  Speaker 1: a breakup. You could go over the same scenario to
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: see what went wrong. You're replaying past events, and you're
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: replaying encounters with someone in your mind again and again
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: and again to try and find clues like where did
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: I fuck up? What did I do wrong? When did
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: their face expression change? What changed here? Why don't they
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: like me anymore? What have I done? You're also stressing
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: about something happening in the future and then revisiting these
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: thoughts again and again and again. Well, this person goes
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: to me. Now, now the next person's going to go
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: to me, And now how do I know? Now this
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: person said a date, but they haven't told me the
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: time yet. It's been three hours in there, and you
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: just start to panic about something happening in the future
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: because you've experienced it or something like it in the past.
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: And this fear starts to like brew bigger and bigger. Now,
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: why do you do it? Why do you do it?
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: It's firstly, it is normal to want to know what
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: went wrong. That's completely understandable. We have a desire and
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: a curiosity to know what went wrong, and for the
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: most part, so we don't do it again. If we're
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: the ones that fucked are and if we really liked someone,
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: of course it's normal to be like, well why did
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: it end? That's okay, that's perfectly normal. It's not saying
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: someone goes to you just you know, Oh it's nothing,
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: I'll just walk away. It's fine. It's going to affect you.
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: But a lot of us think that we're being self
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: aware when we reflect back on the past. But the
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: problem is that many of us miss this self awareness
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: part and we end up just ruminating because a lot
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: of the time we struggle to see where we went
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: wrong or when something went wrong because you're only seeing
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: it from one perspective. You're seeing it either from your
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: view and not seeing where you went wrong, or you're
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: seeing it from the perspective of imagining that the person
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: that you were dealing with, or the situation that that
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: person or those people would process an event the way
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: you would process an event, or would treat someone the
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: way you would treat someone. So again, even if they're
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: the ones in the wrong, you're still seeing it from
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: your perspective, thinking, but you know, you know, I would
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: never do that to somebody, So like I just don't understand. Yeah,
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: but you would never do that to somebody someone else would. Okay,
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: So it's this idea of it. When you're trying to
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: be really self aware, you have to get yourself out
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: of yourself and watch yourself without bias. That's very difficult
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: to do. You can learn it, but you've got to
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: be constantly reminding yourself, remove the bias. Where is my bias?
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: So hard to identify where your bias is, especially if
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: you've never done it before, and to really put yourself
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: in someone's position and as if you're watching yourself, not
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: being yourself. That's really hard to do if you've never
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: done it. And a huge part of human interaction is
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: the fact that others experience the same event in a
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: different way to how you experience it. And I mentioned this,
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: I think in a recent episode, or maybe it was
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: in my I don't know, I've got this membership as
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: well that people pay for. It could have been there,
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: could have been in the podcast, I don't know, but
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: I was heavily talking about this idea that everything in life,
• 13:14
  Speaker 1: your whole experience is painted with how you interpret an event,
• 13:20
  Speaker 1: and your mood will paint how that event gets interpreted.
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: So if I'm in a shitty mood, a really shitty mood,
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: and someone does something, it's going to piss me off.
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: The most annoying person in the world. I can't handle them.
• 13:32
  Speaker 1: How dare you breathe so loud? They're fuck you that
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: if I'm in a great mood, someone next to me
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: can be like, that person's breathing so lightly, I'm sor
• 13:39
  Speaker 1: and I'm like, I've never even noticed, I didn't even
• 13:41
  Speaker 1: realize I'm having a great time. That person so lovely.
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: Why would you say that? You know, it's because I'm
• 13:44
  Speaker 1: in a good mood, so I am interpreting everything differently.
• 13:47
  Speaker 1: So you've also got to think of the mood that
• 13:49
  Speaker 1: I'm in changes how I interpret an event, and also
• 13:52
  Speaker 1: the mood that that person in is in will change
• 13:55
  Speaker 1: how they interpret an event. So when you ruminate or
• 13:58
  Speaker 1: when you think back and you're saying I'm reflecting, are
• 14:01
  Speaker 1: you reflecting and breaking it apart? Or are you thinking
• 14:04
  Speaker 1: like where why? Where? Why? But only seeing it from
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: your perspective? Now, why do we do it? People that
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: have the history of trauma growing up, as in neglect
• 14:13
  Speaker 1: or abuse. That's really common like this insecure attachment or
• 14:17
  Speaker 1: disorganized attachment. I have the whole episode on attachment theory,
• 14:21
  Speaker 1: so check It's titled attachment theory, not attachment styles, so
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: go check that out. They are more likely to do
• 14:27
  Speaker 1: to have these ruminating thoughts because it's this fear based approach,
• 14:31
  Speaker 1: feeling that they may not be deserving of love, or
• 14:35
  Speaker 1: love isn't consistent, or that the world may not be
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: generally a safe and kind place, so they are more
• 14:42
  Speaker 1: likely to be primed to feel this way. You might
• 14:45
  Speaker 1: also do it because you think that ruminating will give
• 14:47
  Speaker 1: you answers to a problem, instead of thinking, what if
• 14:50
  Speaker 1: I actually am more self aware and crack this apart
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: and look at it without what with as little biased
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: as possible. You also have stress in your life that
• 14:59
  Speaker 1: you can't control, and so you feel that by doing
• 15:02
  Speaker 1: this it's going to give you more control, okay, And
• 15:06
  Speaker 1: then you also might think that you have the ability
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: to solve it just by thinking it over and over
• 15:12
  Speaker 1: and over, and the answer will eventually come. Sometimes what
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: we really struggle with is the fact that there are
• 15:18
  Speaker 1: many things in life but we'll never get the answer
• 15:19
  Speaker 1: to a lot of people refuse to be okay with that.
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: They refuse to believe that refuse even to the extent
• 15:26
  Speaker 1: of like, I've been barraged by people, both atheists and
• 15:31
  Speaker 1: religious people when I say I just really don't know
• 15:33
  Speaker 1: the answer. I mean, yeah, I call myself an atheist,
• 15:35
  Speaker 1: but maybe I'm more of an agnostic. But they're like,
• 15:37
  Speaker 1: but you have to, like you have to know, you
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: have to And I'm like, how can't How would I know?
• 15:41
  Speaker 1: I don't know? And then like people just can't fathom
• 15:45
  Speaker 1: that I'm okay with not really having the answer, and
• 15:48
  Speaker 1: then they'll be like, but this, but that, but what
• 15:50
  Speaker 1: about this? But where's your provenlah? And I'm like, I'm
• 15:53
  Speaker 1: fine with not having an answer. You fuck, I'm fine
• 15:55
  Speaker 1: with not having an answer. But a lot of people
• 15:58
  Speaker 1: need an answer. They need ans for everything, and until
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: they have the answer, they cannot move on. But life
• 16:05
  Speaker 1: won't give you all the answers, and you have to
• 16:07
  Speaker 1: learn to exist in the most productive and happiest way
• 16:09
  Speaker 1: possible Psalm's answer without the answer. It's possible, and it's
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: actually liberating when you can say I don't need the
• 16:20
  Speaker 1: answer anymore. I don't need the answer. I've reflected back
• 16:24
  Speaker 1: in an unbiased or as unbiased as possible. I've taken
• 16:27
  Speaker 1: the lessons that I can take from this. There's a
• 16:29
  Speaker 1: lot of mystery here, but I can't uncrack it because
• 16:31
  Speaker 1: fifty percent of this mystery is to do with somebody else,
• 16:33
  Speaker 1: and I'm not in their head. So it's done. But
• 16:36
  Speaker 1: that's where that's why people ruminate, because they struggle to
• 16:39
  Speaker 1: move on without an answer. When you do this, you're
• 16:43
  Speaker 1: more likely to also focus on negative events and feel
• 16:46
  Speaker 1: like you are responsible for the negative event, or that
• 16:49
  Speaker 1: you are to blame for the negative event okay, and
• 16:52
  Speaker 1: then because of that, you're going to look at more
• 16:54
  Speaker 1: situations in your life through a negative event. You're going
• 16:57
  Speaker 1: to be more fearful, more stressed, more anxious, You're going
• 16:59
  Speaker 1: to feel hopeless, You're going to be pessimistic. Someone who
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: is who ruminates, who has this anxious approach, is going
• 17:08
  Speaker 1: to walk past someone on the street and that person
• 17:11
  Speaker 1: glances and then looks away, and they're like and and
• 17:14
  Speaker 1: let's say you know them, they're an acquaintance. You're like,
• 17:16
  Speaker 1: oh my god, they avoided me. They avoided me, they this, that,
• 17:21
  Speaker 1: and they start but why why would they avoid me?
• 17:23
  Speaker 1: Why are they such an asshole? What did I ever
• 17:25
  Speaker 1: do to them? Then you start getting really like that
• 17:27
  Speaker 1: was so rude. I would never be that rude and
• 17:30
  Speaker 1: how could they? Then there's people like me. And if
• 17:34
  Speaker 1: I'm lucky enough to recognize someone, because I've got self
• 17:36
  Speaker 1: diagnosed proce ifagnosia, where I swear to God, I cannot
• 17:39
  Speaker 1: fucking recognize half the faces that I know. So I
• 17:42
  Speaker 1: walk past someone and then if I recognize them, well,
• 17:46
  Speaker 1: they will glance. And if they didn't recognize me, I'm like,
• 17:48
  Speaker 1: oh my god, I wonder if they've got I wonder
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: if they're facial recognition, is this shit is mine? So
• 17:53
  Speaker 1: that's how I approach you. I the last thing I'm
• 17:55
  Speaker 1: going to do is be offended. I'd probably be like,
• 17:59
  Speaker 1: oh shit, if someone saw me and then ran away
• 18:01
  Speaker 1: from me, I'd be like, something's fucking up, I wonder,
• 18:04
  Speaker 1: and then I'd start probably like really going over and
• 18:07
  Speaker 1: questioning why that could have happened. But in general, you'll
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: look at a potentially neutral stimulus, and depending on how
• 18:14
  Speaker 1: you approach these things and if you ruin it and
• 18:16
  Speaker 1: if you're anxious around your attachment style, we'll determine how
• 18:19
  Speaker 1: you'll process that event. So what I'm trying to say
• 18:22
  Speaker 1: here is that there's going to be a lot of
• 18:23
  Speaker 1: neutral events that will occur in your life. And if
• 18:25
  Speaker 1: you are a ruminator, if you are someone that replaced
• 18:28
  Speaker 1: scenarios in your head a thousand times, you might take
• 18:31
  Speaker 1: that event and paint it with the brush that is
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: biased towards your experiences in your life in the past. Okay,
• 18:37
  Speaker 1: so you're going to think they're avoiding me, they hate me.
• 18:40
  Speaker 1: If someone doesn't reply to your message, do you think
• 18:44
  Speaker 1: they're annoyed at you? Or do you think this person
• 18:46
  Speaker 1: must be busy. They've got fucking shit on. If someone
• 18:49
  Speaker 1: doesn't rock up to an event when they say they would,
• 18:52
  Speaker 1: do you think they're avoiding me? Or do you think
• 18:54
  Speaker 1: I wonder what happened to them? Are they okay? What's
• 18:57
  Speaker 1: your initial reaction? Because a lot of people, before even
• 18:59
  Speaker 1: thinking fuck, what could have happened for them not to
• 19:01
  Speaker 1: be here, They're going to be like they're anyway. They
• 19:02
  Speaker 1: hate me. That's so rude. They hate me? Why did
• 19:04
  Speaker 1: it even come here? So a lot off It comes
• 19:07
  Speaker 1: down to what is my initial response to something? And
• 19:10
  Speaker 1: you learn a lot about yourself when you realize, Wow,
• 19:14
  Speaker 1: my initial response is a knee jerk. I've been rejected.
• 19:17
  Speaker 1: They're angry at me. I've done something wrong. I'm an
• 19:19
  Speaker 1: idiot for even asking them. I shouldn't have presumed that
• 19:23
  Speaker 1: they would do this? Why did I think that they would?
• 19:25
  Speaker 1: And then that teaches you a lot. You're like, wow,
• 19:27
  Speaker 1: that is my initial thought for a lot of things.
• 19:30
  Speaker 1: And it's a good thing to understand that because the
• 19:33
  Speaker 1: moment you can understand that, it's actually a weightlifted off
• 19:35
  Speaker 1: your chest. It's like that's actually just a thought, which
• 19:39
  Speaker 1: means that like the chances of that being the reality
• 19:42
  Speaker 1: in every situation is just impossible. So that makes you realize,
• 19:45
  Speaker 1: wait a minute, this is just my interpretation of an experience.
• 19:48
  Speaker 1: It's not the reality. There's one person's experience, there's the
• 19:52
  Speaker 1: other person's experience, and then there's reality, which might sit
• 19:55
  Speaker 1: in the middle, or it might sit closer to either side,
• 19:58
  Speaker 1: depending I think about when you feel this the most
• 20:01
  Speaker 1: in your life. If you're somebody who's quite anxious around groups,
• 20:06
  Speaker 1: and you rocked up to you know, your friend's lunch
• 20:10
  Speaker 1: and they seemed a little bit quiet, and two of
• 20:11
  Speaker 1: them were kind of laughing about something, You're like, what
• 20:13
  Speaker 1: are you laughing about? But they were laughing so much
• 20:15
  Speaker 1: that they didn't hear you say it. And then they
• 20:17
  Speaker 1: turned they're like, oh, I sit down. And then you
• 20:18
  Speaker 1: felt just off for the whole lunch, So then you
• 20:21
  Speaker 1: retreat and then they're like are you okay? And you're like,
• 20:24
  Speaker 1: I'm fine. Are you guys okay? Like you guys were
• 20:26
  Speaker 1: just laughing. I asked what was up right? And anyway,
• 20:28
  Speaker 1: it becomes this really awkward encounter. You leave that lunch
• 20:31
  Speaker 1: and you're like, everyone's fucking everyone hates me, everyone, and
• 20:35
  Speaker 1: you just start to ruminate when there could be a
• 20:38
  Speaker 1: thousand explanations for why that lunch felt off. Maybe these
• 20:41
  Speaker 1: people had an inside joke and they just didn't even
• 20:43
  Speaker 1: think to tell you. Maybe they were also off as well.
• 20:46
  Speaker 1: Maybe they thought that you were in a mood and
• 20:47
  Speaker 1: so they were trying to tiptoe around your feet. There's
• 20:49
  Speaker 1: always a thousand reasons why an encounter could have been
• 20:52
  Speaker 1: weird or awkward, but we will often lean into the
• 20:57
  Speaker 1: worst case scenario as our knee joke reaction, and we
• 20:59
  Speaker 1: do this out of fear. We do this out of
• 21:02
  Speaker 1: a need to protect ourselves from getting rejected. But ultimately
• 21:07
  Speaker 1: all of this comes down to a need and a
• 21:10
  Speaker 1: desire for security. The only reason you're read playing something
• 21:15
  Speaker 1: in your head a thousand times is because you think
• 21:18
  Speaker 1: that an answer, a solution, will make you feel safe,
• 21:23
  Speaker 1: will make you feel secure. But unfortunately, like I said earlier,
• 21:27
  Speaker 1: because we can't read minds, because we act differently to
• 21:30
  Speaker 1: how other people act, and we can't expect other people
• 21:33
  Speaker 1: to treat someone else or behave in a certain way
• 21:36
  Speaker 1: in the same way that we do. Unfortunately, for a
• 21:39
  Speaker 1: lot of things in your life, you're never going to
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: get the answer, or you might think you have the answer,
• 21:43
  Speaker 1: but you've actually interpreted in a completely incorrect way. So
• 21:47
  Speaker 1: we then have to think, how do I get my
• 21:49
  Speaker 1: sense of security elsewhere? Because when I start to ruminate,
• 21:54
  Speaker 1: what can I do? Like? What do I do? So
• 21:57
  Speaker 1: let's talk about that. The first thing you need to
• 21:59
  Speaker 1: do is say, Okay, am I ruminating or am I analyzing?
• 22:02
  Speaker 1: Because the two completely different things. Ruminating is you're only
• 22:06
  Speaker 1: looking at it from your perspective. You're getting really worked up,
• 22:08
  Speaker 1: you're starting to and just the initial thought of am
• 22:13
  Speaker 1: I ruminating or am I just that question alone will
• 22:16
  Speaker 1: take the edge off. And the reason for that is
• 22:18
  Speaker 1: because you've brought in your logical reasoning, your awareness. You're
• 22:21
  Speaker 1: aware of the situation. You're not doing this subconscious in
• 22:24
  Speaker 1: your head where you kind of get like get swept away.
• 22:28
  Speaker 1: You instantly named it to tame it. You name it
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: to tamement. That alone gets your brain regions communicating a
• 22:34
  Speaker 1: lot better. You're a little bit calmer. Just the noting
• 22:38
  Speaker 1: makes you a bit calmer. You think, okay, you're true
• 22:41
  Speaker 1: or true, Okay, let's bring myself into the moment. That
• 22:42
  Speaker 1: alone will stop the spiraling. You'll still be thinking about it,
• 22:47
  Speaker 1: but you're not going to be thinking like attracts like worse, worse,
• 22:50
  Speaker 1: worstors worse. You've paused it, You've shed the light. The
• 22:53
  Speaker 1: darkness has gone. You shed the light. Okay, Now that
• 22:55
  Speaker 1: you've shed the light, that's step one. Step two. Now
• 22:58
  Speaker 1: you process the question. Have I am I just going
• 23:02
  Speaker 1: around and around and around seeing it from my perspective?
• 23:05
  Speaker 1: Or am I analyzing it? Let's analyze it, Let's break
• 23:07
  Speaker 1: it open. Is it possible? Is it possible that this
• 23:11
  Speaker 1: person was going through their own thing and I've interpreted
• 23:14
  Speaker 1: their behavior in a different way? Yes or no. For
• 23:18
  Speaker 1: a lot of things, the answer will be yes. If
• 23:20
  Speaker 1: someone's yelling and screaming at you, I hate you, I'm
• 23:22
  Speaker 1: so angry that you did this, and the other is
• 23:23
  Speaker 1: going to be no, Like it's very clear that this
• 23:25
  Speaker 1: person's angry at me. Okay. But a lot of the
• 23:27
  Speaker 1: times you're going to be like, yeah, it's possible. Is
• 23:29
  Speaker 1: it possible that they were really stressed and they didn't
• 23:32
  Speaker 1: realize that they were coming across as really blunt or
• 23:34
  Speaker 1: cold or rude. Yep, that's possible too. So you start
• 23:36
  Speaker 1: asking yourself, is it possible for XYZ to have occurred?
• 23:41
  Speaker 1: And me to have interpreted in a different way. So
• 23:43
  Speaker 1: that's a really good way to start to analyze things.
• 23:45
  Speaker 1: Then you start to ask yourself, is it possible that
• 23:50
  Speaker 1: this person snapped and didn't mean it and they just
• 23:53
  Speaker 1: needed you know, they just they overreacted. Yeah, that's also possible.
• 23:56
  Speaker 1: So you start thinking, Okay, well, I've also overreacted in
• 23:59
  Speaker 1: the past. I've also snaped in the past. You know,
• 24:01
  Speaker 1: maybe it could be you heard that someone said something
• 24:03
  Speaker 1: about you behind your back. Have I ever said something
• 24:06
  Speaker 1: about someone behind their back? Probably? Probably? And when I
• 24:09
  Speaker 1: said it, did I absolutely hate that person? And did
• 24:12
  Speaker 1: I want the worst from them? No? Sometimes we get
• 24:15
  Speaker 1: carried away talking about people. Not that I'm not recommending
• 24:18
  Speaker 1: you gossip about people, but I'm saying the reality of
• 24:20
  Speaker 1: life is that sometimes people get carried away. Gossip is
• 24:23
  Speaker 1: always interesting. You putting your two cents, and then someone
• 24:27
  Speaker 1: hears what you said, and you feel so fucking awful
• 24:29
  Speaker 1: because you're like, oh, I don't know why I said that,
• 24:31
  Speaker 1: and I never would have wanted to get back to them.
• 24:33
  Speaker 1: I was just got swept up. I feel awful. So
• 24:35
  Speaker 1: when you sometimes hear something that someone says about you,
• 24:37
  Speaker 1: sometimes you think, oh my god, it's the worst thing
• 24:40
  Speaker 1: in the world. They must think this. But then also
• 24:41
  Speaker 1: you think, well, maybe they just got carried away in
• 24:43
  Speaker 1: the conversation. Do they actually it doesn't mean they hate me.
• 24:46
  Speaker 1: Like if someone asked me I saw this question of like,
• 24:48
  Speaker 1: would you rather know if someone's bitch like all the
• 24:51
  Speaker 1: bad things someone said about you or all the people
• 24:53
  Speaker 1: that like you. I'd never want to know the bad
• 24:55
  Speaker 1: things people have said about me because I reckon that
• 24:57
  Speaker 1: a lot of the time. It would just my interpretation
• 24:59
  Speaker 1: of what they said would be so loaded instead of
• 25:01
  Speaker 1: just realizing that people vent people say, shit, it's not
• 25:05
  Speaker 1: my business. I'd rather not know, you know. So once
• 25:07
  Speaker 1: you've done that, then ask yourself what in this was
• 25:12
  Speaker 1: in my control versus what wasn't in my control? Then
• 25:15
  Speaker 1: ask yourself, can something be done to make this situation
• 25:19
  Speaker 1: better that is within my control? So, for example, if
• 25:24
  Speaker 1: you know that you snapped at someone and then they
• 25:25
  Speaker 1: reacted badly, you can do something about it. You can
• 25:27
  Speaker 1: reach out to them. Sometimes there's nothing that can be
• 25:29
  Speaker 1: done okay at all, and that's fine, it's just you're
• 25:32
  Speaker 1: just awareness awareness, awareness. Then you want to ask yourself,
• 25:35
  Speaker 1: if not, can I take a lesson from this, so
• 25:38
  Speaker 1: next time I can go about it differently, and a
• 25:40
  Speaker 1: lot of the time the answer is yeah, you can
• 25:42
  Speaker 1: take a lesson in how you interpret it. If I
• 25:44
  Speaker 1: rock up to a date and someone's ghosted me, instead
• 25:47
  Speaker 1: of thinking I'm an idiot, I'm the worst person in
• 25:49
  Speaker 1: the world, I'm this, my personal interpretation would be like, Wow,
• 25:52
  Speaker 1: I'd never go to someone that's quite rude to disrespect
• 25:55
  Speaker 1: someone's time like that. I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't
• 25:57
  Speaker 1: think I must be a fucking idiot, I'm the worst
• 25:59
  Speaker 1: person in the world. I'm I just think that person
• 26:02
  Speaker 1: either hopefully something's bad hasn't happened to them, and if
• 26:05
  Speaker 1: something bad hasn't happened to them, that's pretty rude, And
• 26:08
  Speaker 1: then I'm not going to be reaching out to them.
• 26:09
  Speaker 1: If they reach out to me with a legitimate excuse,
• 26:11
  Speaker 1: I'll be like, well, there we go. I thought something
• 26:12
  Speaker 1: bad might have happened to them and it did. Versus
• 26:15
  Speaker 1: if they completely goes me, then I'm like, well, fucking
• 26:17
  Speaker 1: you took the trash took itself out, okay. And then lastly,
• 26:21
  Speaker 1: ask yourself, is there another thing that could explain why
• 26:25
  Speaker 1: this went down that shows me that I actually don't
• 26:28
  Speaker 1: have all the answers to it, and I gave many
• 26:31
  Speaker 1: examples of this before already. In this episode, you're going
• 26:34
  Speaker 1: to realize that there's many different things that will explain
• 26:37
  Speaker 1: why something happened to the way it happened, or many
• 26:40
  Speaker 1: different possibilities, and you don't have to be the one
• 26:42
  Speaker 1: who was at fault or who has the answer or
• 26:45
  Speaker 1: who knows the definitive reason why something went down the
• 26:47
  Speaker 1: way it went down. Now, I'm going to give you
• 26:51
  Speaker 1: a bunch of things that you can tell yourself, just
• 26:53
  Speaker 1: to wrap up the episode. A bunch of things that
• 26:55
  Speaker 1: you can tell yourself so you can feel a lot
• 26:58
  Speaker 1: just calmer around these situation way. The first one is
• 27:01
  Speaker 1: I'm okay with not having all the answers. You want
• 27:04
  Speaker 1: to remind yourself of that every day. And I am
• 27:06
  Speaker 1: okay with not having all the answers. I've gotten this far.
• 27:08
  Speaker 1: How many times have I gone through something where I
• 27:09
  Speaker 1: actually didn't have the answers? A thousand times? So I
• 27:12
  Speaker 1: legitimately am okay with not having all the answers. I
• 27:14
  Speaker 1: just need to remind myself of that. The next one
• 27:17
  Speaker 1: is not everyone feels and thinks the way I do
• 27:20
  Speaker 1: not everyone feels and thinks the way I do. Remind
• 27:23
  Speaker 1: yourself of that when you have an altercation, when you
• 27:25
  Speaker 1: think something's gone wrong. And then the next one is
• 27:28
  Speaker 1: it's okay for things to not be in my control.
• 27:31
  Speaker 1: It's happened many times before, and I'm fine. It is
• 27:33
  Speaker 1: okay for things not to be in my control. You're
• 27:35
  Speaker 1: only trying to control what you can control them. That's it.
• 27:38
  Speaker 1: And then the last one is to remind yourself of
• 27:40
  Speaker 1: moments where you have felt confidence within yourself. That's one
• 27:45
  Speaker 1: of the best ways to bring on that feeling again,
• 27:47
  Speaker 1: When do I feel the most confident? When do I
• 27:49
  Speaker 1: feel really comfortable in my own skin? When do I
• 27:51
  Speaker 1: feel great? Just that reminder alone then brings on similar
• 27:55
  Speaker 1: feelings of that feeling. Then you think, well, maybe I
• 27:57
  Speaker 1: should go and do that exercise where I feel really confident.
• 27:59
  Speaker 1: Maybe when I get outside, when I talk to these
• 28:01
  Speaker 1: certain friends and when I jump up and downtown times
• 28:03
  Speaker 1: it changes my mood. So always been reminding yourself like
• 28:07
  Speaker 1: when do I feel most happy, uncomfortable in my own skin,
• 28:10
  Speaker 1: and do more of the same. Okay, Then of course
• 28:14
  Speaker 1: there's a whole bunch of other things that you can
• 28:15
  Speaker 1: do that's going to help you. For example, distraction is
• 28:19
  Speaker 1: one where you're at the height. When you're at the
• 28:22
  Speaker 1: height of feeling awful, I recommend you do just a
• 28:24
  Speaker 1: little distraction task like play solitaire, maybe try and read
• 28:27
  Speaker 1: a book, maybe give someone a call, just so to
• 28:29
  Speaker 1: talk yourself off the ledge if you find it really
• 28:30
  Speaker 1: difficult to intercept, and then once you're a little bit calmer,
• 28:33
  Speaker 1: then you can analyze properly without being so emotional. The
• 28:36
  Speaker 1: next one is journaling. Write everything down on paper, get
• 28:39
  Speaker 1: it out of your mind and onto paper. It's kind
• 28:41
  Speaker 1: of like the same therapeutic thing of when you write
• 28:44
  Speaker 1: a letter to someone that you don't even intend to send.
• 28:46
  Speaker 1: That is it feels so good just to get your
• 28:48
  Speaker 1: feelings out on paper. So put it all down. And
• 28:50
  Speaker 1: then sometimes when you've put it down, it helps you
• 28:52
  Speaker 1: reason a lot better as you do that. And then,
• 28:55
  Speaker 1: of course the last one just more meditation. Meditate. It's
• 29:00
  Speaker 1: a day couple of nice deep breaths to center yourself
• 29:02
  Speaker 1: when you calm your nervous system down. When you're feeling
• 29:05
  Speaker 1: heightened and stress, just do three deep breaths, okay, and
• 29:10
  Speaker 1: that's actually going to make you simmer down. You feel
• 29:12
  Speaker 1: a lot better, and meditation in general is going to
• 29:15
  Speaker 1: help connect your brain regions of your reasoning and your
• 29:18
  Speaker 1: emotional centers overall, not just in the moment, but overall.
• 29:22
  Speaker 1: So that's always going to be more of a long
• 29:24
  Speaker 1: term approach and a solution to ruminating thoughts, but it's
• 29:28
  Speaker 1: also going to help in the moment when you do
• 29:30
  Speaker 1: some breaths to calm down your nervous system. Guys, hopefully
• 29:33
  Speaker 1: that gave you a little bit of insight into ruminating thoughts,
• 29:36
  Speaker 1: replaink scenarios in your head. Hopefully you're like, yes, that's
• 29:39
  Speaker 1: me and I can see that there is a solution
• 29:41
  Speaker 1: for this. Thank you so much for listening to today's episode.
• 29:43
  Speaker 1: Love you guys so much. Shout out to all my
• 29:46
  Speaker 1: global and local beans. As always, remember bekind to yourself,
• 29:50
  Speaker 1: becind to your brain, don't take shit from anyone, and
• 29:52
  Speaker 1: especially don't take shit from yourself. Dugger