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The Neuroscience of Emotional Intelligence · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:10
Speaker 1: Beautiful beans, and welcome to the podcast episode of today.
0:14
Speaker 1: This is another neuroscience episode. Actually, a couple of weeks ago,
0:17
Speaker 1: we did a little bit of a poll on one
0:19
Speaker 1: of the neuroscience episodes, because as we all know, we're
0:21
Speaker 1: getting back into more kind of science in neuroscience vibes
0:26
Speaker 1: more old school do you fucking mind? Circa twenty twenty one,
0:30
Speaker 1: twenty two, And we did a little poll where like,
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Speaker 1: do you want the neuroscience of this one? Emotional intelligence?
0:37
Speaker 1: And then the other one was whatever we did two
0:39
Speaker 1: weeks ago, which I kind of remember what that one
0:42
Speaker 1: was anyway, so we had slightly I thought that the
0:46
Speaker 1: one what was it, Shanaia, It was the neuroscience off
0:50
Speaker 1: making and breaking a habit. Yes, so that one, I
0:53
Speaker 1: was like, Oh, that's going to be above and beyond.
0:54
Speaker 1: We're going to get way more of that one. But no,
0:57
Speaker 1: it was very very close. It was kind of like
0:59
Speaker 1: fifty one for nine. So I was like, well, we're
1:00
Speaker 1: definitely doing the emotional intelligence episode for sure. And here
1:03
Speaker 1: we are. Now, before I get into the podcast topic
1:08
Speaker 1: of today, I am going to poll you guys on
1:11
Speaker 1: a question. So I'm doing a bit of a rejig
1:14
Speaker 1: I'm really starting to you know, obviously I'm in my
1:19
Speaker 1: postpartum phase and I have been working kind of from
1:21
Speaker 1: like two and a half months after having the babies,
1:23
Speaker 1: but now feeling like I'm really getting back into the
1:26
Speaker 1: podcast do you Fucking Mind? The whole thing? And I'm
1:29
Speaker 1: probably getting more passionate about it as ever. I'm like
1:32
Speaker 1: back to the early day's passion. And don't get me wrong,
1:35
Speaker 1: I've always loved the podcast, but there's always shit coming
1:37
Speaker 1: up in my life and now I'm getting back into it.
1:39
Speaker 1: So I thought i'll poll you guys because I'm kind
1:41
Speaker 1: of rejigging a little bit on how I'm doing things.
1:44
Speaker 1: If you listen to this podcast on Spotify, you can
1:46
Speaker 1: vote in a little poll, and I am If you
1:50
Speaker 1: don't listen to this on Spotify, please follow me on
1:53
Speaker 1: socials at least the podcast page, which is just do
1:55
Speaker 1: fucking Mind on Instagram, and we will be polling you
1:58
Speaker 1: guys today as well the day that you're listening to
2:00
Speaker 1: this episode. But we're basically going to be looking at
2:02
Speaker 1: how can we be structuring the podcast moving forward. Now,
2:06
Speaker 1: nothing's going to change quite unquote as far as like
2:08
Speaker 1: the bones of the podcast, but remember back in the day,
2:11
Speaker 1: if you're an OG listener, I used to have my
2:13
Speaker 1: podcasts be intro life intro, sometimes yes or no. Then
2:17
Speaker 1: I would do a brain fact, science fact. Then I
2:21
Speaker 1: would have the body of the podcast, whether it be
2:23
Speaker 1: a neuroscience one or whether it be more psychology based one,
2:25
Speaker 1: like detecting a narcissist, fucking heartbreak hacks, the neuroscience of saunas, whatever,
2:30
Speaker 1: and then at the end I would answer one listener question. Okay,
2:33
Speaker 1: so that was the original structure. Then about two slash
2:36
Speaker 1: three years ago, we changed it up and we were
2:39
Speaker 1: can't breaking it apart, trialing this, trialing that long story short,
2:42
Speaker 1: I'm craving returning back to more old style content. I
2:46
Speaker 1: recently dropped the Wednesday head noise and people were actually
2:48
Speaker 1: quite happy with that. Even though they love my head
2:52
Speaker 1: noise episodes, they were like, we don't want it to
2:54
Speaker 1: be more head noise than it is Mondays. So what
2:57
Speaker 1: I'm going to ask you, guys, what do you want
2:59
Speaker 1: a return to that style Monday episode with a brain
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Speaker 1: fract at the start and a listener question at the end.
3:05
Speaker 1: We do less head noise episodes, so we still have them,
3:08
Speaker 1: but not weekly maybe we do more questions in one
3:11
Speaker 1: or maybe we do like bonus episodes with some head noise,
3:14
Speaker 1: but the Friday episode or the second episode of the
3:18
Speaker 1: week be more a more kind of cultural psychology episode
3:24
Speaker 1: that we could be talking about, whether it be something
3:25
Speaker 1: that's happening currently or whether it be something that's you know,
3:29
Speaker 1: it might be slightly shorter episode, but it's more kind
3:31
Speaker 1: of I don't know, talking about more cultural psychology kind
3:35
Speaker 1: of things, which I do a lot of already, but
3:37
Speaker 1: kind of I don't know. I'm going to create the
3:40
Speaker 1: poll and i'll word it a bit better on the poll,
3:42
Speaker 1: but I'd like to see if you guys want the
3:44
Speaker 1: return of the old school Monday episodes with kind of
3:47
Speaker 1: you know, the answering a listener question at the end,
3:49
Speaker 1: with the brain fact at the start, and then maybe
3:52
Speaker 1: we do Friday episodes looking a little bit differently. So
3:54
Speaker 1: let's just see. Let's just see. I don't know how
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Speaker 1: I'm gonna ask that question. It's almost two questions in
3:58
Speaker 1: the poll, but whatever, that's where my head is at. Yeah,
4:02
Speaker 1: and I'm really pumped sss. Okay, so let's get into
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Speaker 1: the podcast episode of today, which is the Neuroscience of
4:15
Speaker 1: emotional intelligence. I'm going to break down the main points
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Speaker 1: that I'm going to be talking about. Number one, what
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Speaker 1: is emotional intelligence? Number two? What are examples of someone
4:23
Speaker 1: who does not have emotional intelligence? And I'll get into
4:27
Speaker 1: this in a secd Obviously i'll get into it when
4:29
Speaker 1: I get to part two. Number three, how does it
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Speaker 1: impact your life if you don't have emotional intelligence? Where
4:35
Speaker 1: is it cropping up in your life? Because this can
4:37
Speaker 1: be changed, by the way, so it's important to really
4:40
Speaker 1: identify where are the pain points in your life so
4:42
Speaker 1: we can do something about it. Number four, what are
4:45
Speaker 1: the brain regions involved? Let's talk about the actual neuro
4:48
Speaker 1: build up, the chemistry that the makeup of the brain.
4:51
Speaker 1: That is the difference between a human with high emotional
4:55
Speaker 1: intelligence versus one with low emotional intelligence. Now, mind you,
4:58
Speaker 1: emotional intelligence is not intellelligence. It's very different. Okay, So
5:01
Speaker 1: if you're saying that someone has low emotional intelligence, you're
5:04
Speaker 1: not saying that they're not intelligent. You're saying specifically when
5:06
Speaker 1: it comes to this category of intelligence. Then we're going
5:10
Speaker 1: to be talking about number five. It's what can you
5:12
Speaker 1: do to improve your emotional intelligence? This is what we're
5:15
Speaker 1: all here for. And then I'm going to be talking
5:17
Speaker 1: about at the very end, the difference between self awareness
5:20
Speaker 1: versus self intellectualization, because that will answer a lot of
5:23
Speaker 1: questions where there might be some gray areas and when
5:26
Speaker 1: you might think, am I contradicting myself? Am I not?
5:28
Speaker 1: This is going to clarify absolutely everything at the end. Okay,
5:31
Speaker 1: So those are the points that we're going to be
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Speaker 1: going through. Let's begin. What is emotional intelligence? Okay, So
5:38
Speaker 1: it's obviously something that's really important in our lives because
5:41
Speaker 1: it impacts our relationships. It impacts the kind of friendships
5:44
Speaker 1: and the quality of your friendships in your life. It
5:46
Speaker 1: impacts your professional working life, your professional success because it's
5:53
Speaker 1: almost impossible to succeed professionally without having relationships. Come into
5:58
Speaker 1: a professional relationships and things like that, how you resolve conflict,
6:02
Speaker 1: how you repair from conflict, and also a lot of
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Speaker 1: emotional intelligence comes down to the relationship that you have
6:09
Speaker 1: with yourself as well as with other people. It works
6:12
Speaker 1: from a personal standpoint, and then it works from very
6:15
Speaker 1: heavily from a social standpoint as well. Okay, Now, the
6:18
Speaker 1: early roots of emotional intelligence is this Thorndike's concept of
6:23
Speaker 1: social intelligence. This is back from nineteen twenty and this
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Speaker 1: is the it was kind of termed as the ability
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Speaker 1: to understand, manage, and interact wisely with others. That's kind
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Speaker 1: of where emotional intelligence came from. So the ability to understand, manage,
6:39
Speaker 1: and interact wisely with others. Wisely, I think is an
6:42
Speaker 1: important word when we're talking about emotional intelligence. How wise
6:45
Speaker 1: are you? And I think the reason why wise is
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Speaker 1: such an important word because it's based on your own
6:49
Speaker 1: life experiences and what you've learned along the way and
6:51
Speaker 1: how you're putting that into practice. Okay, then we've got Gardner.
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Speaker 1: This is nineteen eighty three when we're kind of just
7:00
Speaker 1: dicussing again emotional intelligence, and it's explained as the capacity
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Speaker 1: to understand intentions, motivations, and desires of oneself and of
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Speaker 1: other people. Okay, so this then would facilitate your chance
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Speaker 1: to regulate your own emotions and your own life and
7:17
Speaker 1: then work well with others. Okay, we want to kind
7:22
Speaker 1: of there's like, there'sn't a really clear way of measuring
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Speaker 1: emotional intelligence. By the way, I've been looking at so
7:27
Speaker 1: much literature, so many different studies that have been done
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Speaker 1: on emotional intelligence, and there isn't really a consensus of
7:32
Speaker 1: how to measure it. Okay, there's different ways to measure it,
7:35
Speaker 1: but there isn't one agreed upon way to measure it.
7:38
Speaker 1: And that's because a lot of the literature talks about
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Speaker 1: self reported things and others where it's observational and things
7:44
Speaker 1: like that. So it's kind of really hard to know
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Speaker 1: exactly how we're going to measure emotional intelligence. But what
7:49
Speaker 1: is agreed upon in the literature is that emotional intelligence
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Speaker 1: intelligence does involve recognizing and understanding emotions and then being
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Speaker 1: able to appropriately generate and regulate emotions of awordingly. That is,
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Speaker 1: like there is a consensus in the literature about that. Okay,
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Speaker 1: so we're looking at self awareness, self regulation, motivation with
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Speaker 1: people with high emotional intelligence motivation so this is harnessing
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Speaker 1: the appropriate emotions to follow through with goals and to
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Speaker 1: have persistence. Empathy, so this is the ability to be
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Speaker 1: compassionate in how you respond to others. And I'm going
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Speaker 1: to be talking about the difference between empathy and sympathy
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Speaker 1: in a moment. Then we've got, you know, your ability
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Speaker 1: to understand other people, to take the time to be
8:34
Speaker 1: interested in what other people are going through, in the
8:37
Speaker 1: ability to give context to a situation based on someone
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Speaker 1: else's experience. Then we've got social skills ability to read
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Speaker 1: others and what they're feeling to get the relationship to
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Speaker 1: go where it needs to go. So does this person
8:50
Speaker 1: need understanding, does this person need space, encouragement, a shoulder
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Speaker 1: to cry on, advice? Basically read the fucking room? Okay,
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Speaker 1: when we talk about read the room, that is emotional
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Speaker 1: intelligence in a nutshell. If I was to sum up
9:04
Speaker 1: like how we all feel, if I was to say,
9:06
Speaker 1: you know what emotional intelligence looks like, because when you
9:09
Speaker 1: want to say to someone, read the fucking room, that's
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Speaker 1: someone who's lacking in emotional intelligence, at least in that moment.
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Speaker 1: They're having a lapse at the very least in that
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Speaker 1: moment when someone can't read the room. And I will
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Speaker 1: talk in depth about what quote unquote reading the room
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Speaker 1: means and what it looks like later on in this episode.
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Speaker 1: Then of course, the ability to communicate effectively, So that's
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Speaker 1: being able to take on feedback, not take everything as
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Speaker 1: an insult or as an attack. This is a huge one.
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Speaker 1: The ability to interpret non verbal cues body language is
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Speaker 1: someone interested in what you're saying, or they're just being polite. Okay.
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Speaker 1: Can you read off, closed off body language? Can you
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Speaker 1: read tone? Can you understand group dynamics? We've all fucking
9:50
Speaker 1: been there where you go to a group gathering and
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Speaker 1: there's that one person who always tries to isolate you
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Speaker 1: and just dump all their shit to you and just
10:01
Speaker 1: and then you don't have an out. You don't have
10:04
Speaker 1: one opportunity to say excuse me. You can't even say
10:07
Speaker 1: excuse me, I got to go to the bathroom because
10:08
Speaker 1: you'd actually be cutting the mid sentence. They just bombard you.
10:12
Speaker 1: And then the whole night You're like, I literally was
10:14
Speaker 1: cornered because this person could not read the room and
10:16
Speaker 1: I was just trying to be polite. And the only
10:18
Speaker 1: way to actually get out of that situation is you
10:20
Speaker 1: doing something that makes you feel rude. That's a perfect
10:23
Speaker 1: example of someone not being able to understand social dynamics,
10:26
Speaker 1: group dynamics in a particular setting, okay, knowing when someone
10:30
Speaker 1: is being polite versus actively wanting to engage with what
10:34
Speaker 1: you are saying. Okay. It's also the ability to adjust
10:37
Speaker 1: your own behaviors to match the context of a group
10:41
Speaker 1: whether it be work related, or whether it be socially,
10:43
Speaker 1: or whether it be within your family with your in laws,
10:46
Speaker 1: whatever it is. And it's not saying you've got to
10:48
Speaker 1: pretend to be someone else. It's saying, how can I
10:51
Speaker 1: read what the vibe is and match it accordingly? Okay,
10:57
Speaker 1: So if it's a somber vibe, am I going to
10:59
Speaker 1: come in and start making really inappropriate jokes? Because if
11:02
Speaker 1: I am, then I don't have high emotional intelligence. Okay. Now,
11:07
Speaker 1: empathy and sympathy, let's quickly break that down. Empathy is
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Speaker 1: the ability to genuinely relate to the other person, and
11:14
Speaker 1: sympathy is where you kind of feel bad for someone,
11:19
Speaker 1: but you're not feeling their emotions. So, for example, the
11:21
Speaker 1: difference is if someone's going through a really traumatic thing,
11:24
Speaker 1: empathy would be you're almost there crying with them, even
11:27
Speaker 1: if you haven't gone through it. You're crying because you
11:28
Speaker 1: see their pain. And it's not saying that you have
11:30
Speaker 1: to cry in order to be empathetic on giving you
11:32
Speaker 1: an example, but it's you're feeling their pain. You're like,
11:34
Speaker 1: oh my god, I'm so sad you're going through this.
11:36
Speaker 1: I can't believe it. It's awful, but sympathy would be like, Wow,
11:38
Speaker 1: I feel really sorry for you that that's happened to you,
11:40
Speaker 1: but you're not feeling that emotion. Okay, this is not
11:44
Speaker 1: relevant to what I'm saying. I just thought i'd be
11:46
Speaker 1: important to talk about the difference between empathy and sympathy
11:48
Speaker 1: because for ages, I didn't know the difference, and I
11:51
Speaker 1: think people use them interchangeably, but they are a bit different.
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Speaker 1: So empathy is really feeling you are going on that ride,
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Speaker 1: that emotional rollercoaster with that person. You're trying to really
11:58
Speaker 1: put yourselves in their shoes to the extent that you
12:01
Speaker 1: are feeling pain, feeling what that person is felt, or
12:04
Speaker 1: fear or whatever that person was going through. And sympathy
12:07
Speaker 1: is removed. You offer compassion without having to actually share
12:12
Speaker 1: that feeling. So I think both are important because there
12:15
Speaker 1: are also going to be times where you can't empathize
12:18
Speaker 1: with someone. You're like, I just personally don't see how
12:22
Speaker 1: for me that would be difficult. But I can also
12:24
Speaker 1: understand that this person, for them, it probably does really
12:27
Speaker 1: impact them and I hate that they're going through that,
12:28
Speaker 1: and I feel sorry for them, But you just don't
12:30
Speaker 1: feel it. You're like that just woudn't affect me personally.
12:32
Speaker 1: But I can also sympathize, right, I can say that
12:35
Speaker 1: for them it is painful. Whatever. Okay, now let's do
12:39
Speaker 1: a whole bunch of examples of someone who definitely is
12:41
Speaker 1: not emotionally intelligent. Okay, cannot keep cannot read the room.
12:45
Speaker 1: They keep talking about something because they are interested in
12:47
Speaker 1: that thing, but no one else is interested in. They
12:49
Speaker 1: will not read body language when someone else doesn't want
12:52
Speaker 1: to talk about a certain topic. You know, there's even
12:54
Speaker 1: in dating, you know, when someone's trying to like fucking
12:58
Speaker 1: pick someone else up at a bar and the normally
13:00
Speaker 1: a man, and the woman is just absolutely not interested,
13:02
Speaker 1: and they're like, oh, I read that fucking pick up
13:04
Speaker 1: artistry book, and you know, like if you know, treat
13:07
Speaker 1: them in to keep them keen, they're obviously keen and
13:08
Speaker 1: the like. Cannot read the fucking room, cannot read body language,
13:11
Speaker 1: cannot read when someone's trying to be closed off. That's
13:14
Speaker 1: a huge example. Okay. People who can never empathize. Okay,
13:19
Speaker 1: it's important to know how to at least try to
13:21
Speaker 1: empathize people who can't do it. Telling someone to get
13:24
Speaker 1: over it, that's not emotionally intelligent when we're talking about
13:27
Speaker 1: an emotional thing that someone's going through, turning every single
13:30
Speaker 1: discussion back to them, or a monologue about their own experiences,
13:34
Speaker 1: joking at an inappropriate time and not knowing the difference
13:38
Speaker 1: between people politely smiling versus actually laughing at their jokes,
13:41
Speaker 1: so then they take that as encouragement, so they keep
13:43
Speaker 1: doing these really inappropriate jokes. Make people feel really uncomfortable,
13:49
Speaker 1: struggling to express their emotions or name their emotions, or
13:53
Speaker 1: to talk about their emotions, an inability to apologize, isolating
13:57
Speaker 1: people in a group setting, kind of like what I
13:59
Speaker 1: explained just for shifting blame, a need to always be right,
14:05
Speaker 1: interrupting others because you're not actively listening. You're just thinking,
14:08
Speaker 1: what's the next thing we're going to say, whether it's
14:09
Speaker 1: in just a conversation or whether it's in a disagreement
14:12
Speaker 1: or an argument, and then highly reactive. You're offended by feedback.
14:17
Speaker 1: You can't take on feedback, so you suffer in a
14:20
Speaker 1: work setting as well because of that. So in a nutshell,
14:24
Speaker 1: someone with low emotional intelligence, it's poor communication, poor relationship skills,
14:31
Speaker 1: poor emotional regulation, a lack of empathy, a lack of
14:34
Speaker 1: self awareness, and disruptive behavior. So it's a bit of
14:37
Speaker 1: all of the above. Okay, Now, I do want to
14:39
Speaker 1: say before I go on, there actually is a lot
14:42
Speaker 1: of research that does show a connection between low emotional
14:45
Speaker 1: intelligence and ADHD. Because if you're listening right now saying like, well,
14:49
Speaker 1: I actually have ADHD and all these things, well, yes
14:51
Speaker 1: there is a link and it's not as an attack.
14:54
Speaker 1: We see a lot of this stuff in the literature,
14:56
Speaker 1: especially in research with adolescents and children. So they do
15:01
Speaker 1: a lot of these studies in you know, when kids
15:03
Speaker 1: and teens are growing up and the ones that have
15:05
Speaker 1: ADHD diagnosed ADHD seem to have deficits in emotional intelligence.
15:11
Speaker 1: And the reason why this is very important is because
15:14
Speaker 1: emotional intelligence is a learned skill. You actually can get
15:18
Speaker 1: better at it. So if you can identify that you
15:20
Speaker 1: have ADHD and therefore this is one of the reasons
15:23
Speaker 1: why you're struggling with emotional intelligence, there are things that
15:25
Speaker 1: you can put into practice to do that. Hence all
15:27
Speaker 1: these studies on children and adolescents, because they then use
15:30
Speaker 1: this to help craft or like create a structured therapy
15:37
Speaker 1: for the individual to help them get better at emotional intelligence,
15:40
Speaker 1: because emotional intelligence is very it's one of the key
15:44
Speaker 1: things to help you succeed in life, with relationships and professionally,
15:47
Speaker 1: in all of the above. So if you are someone
15:49
Speaker 1: that's saying, oh, well, everything she just said sounds like me,
15:51
Speaker 1: but I've got ADHD, it's not. But it's end I've
15:55
Speaker 1: got ADHD. So then what am I going to do
15:57
Speaker 1: about it? It's not a dismissal, it's not Oh my god,
16:00
Speaker 1: I can't believe she's calling saying that I've got low
16:02
Speaker 1: emotional intelligence when actually it's a HD. It's it's both.
16:05
Speaker 1: It could be both, okay, and you can do something
16:08
Speaker 1: about it. That's the beauty of it. Now, what does
16:11
Speaker 1: it feel like when you don't have it? Of course,
16:13
Speaker 1: like I said, you know, when it's lacking, it's affecting
16:16
Speaker 1: your relationships. It leads to isolation. People don't really want
16:19
Speaker 1: to hang out with you one on one. If it's
16:21
Speaker 1: really extreme. Okay, some people it's a little bit. Some
16:23
Speaker 1: people it's really extreme, and we all know that person.
16:25
Speaker 1: And I hate to I don't want to offend anyone,
16:30
Speaker 1: but really pay attention to your own behavior this episode,
16:34
Speaker 1: if ever an episode called for you to be self aware,
16:37
Speaker 1: which if you don't have emotional intelligence, it's going to
16:39
Speaker 1: be hard for you to do, but try your best.
16:42
Speaker 1: If people are always kind of brushing you after hanging out,
16:48
Speaker 1: they're like, oh, yeah, we'll hang and then they don't
16:49
Speaker 1: reach out, And this is a repeated pattern in multiple
16:52
Speaker 1: social circles. I'm not talking about one, because there's always
16:55
Speaker 1: going to be a social circle that you just don't
16:56
Speaker 1: click with or whatever. But if it's happened again and
16:58
Speaker 1: again and again and again and again and again and
17:00
Speaker 1: again in your life and you are the common denominator,
17:03
Speaker 1: maybe it has to do with you have a deficit
17:06
Speaker 1: with emotional intelligence, So listen carefully because you can change that.
17:12
Speaker 1: But if you are someone that's not reading the room properly,
17:14
Speaker 1: making people feel like you're talking over them, talking about
17:17
Speaker 1: things that other people just are not interested in, and
17:20
Speaker 1: they're just struggling to find that bond or that connection
17:23
Speaker 1: with you, then that could be the reason why you
17:26
Speaker 1: feel like you're never really able to bond or click
17:29
Speaker 1: with people. Okay, maybe maybe not, but it's important to note. Okay,
17:34
Speaker 1: just maybe it also can really affect you in the workplace.
17:39
Speaker 1: Workplace politics, are you navigating that tactfully or is it
17:42
Speaker 1: just going straight over your head and then you're like
17:44
Speaker 1: you're pushing people away and you're pissing people off, and
17:46
Speaker 1: you're not able to take accountability or you're not able
17:49
Speaker 1: to apologize. And because if you're then missing opportunities professionally,
17:54
Speaker 1: maybe you have a bad reputation for being difficult because
17:57
Speaker 1: you never take the blame, or because you're being in
17:59
Speaker 1: approbe or you're not being considerate of other people. Separate
18:03
Speaker 1: to that, your stress might be higher because you're not
18:06
Speaker 1: dealing with your own emotions properly. People with low emotional
18:09
Speaker 1: intelligence don't deal with their own emotions properly. They'll say, oh,
18:12
Speaker 1: this is meant like they're really good at pretending to
18:14
Speaker 1: be their own therapists. They're really good at telling everyone
18:16
Speaker 1: what the actual problem is. But do they ever sit
18:18
Speaker 1: with it and feel that emotion and work through the
18:21
Speaker 1: actual emotion by feeling it? Is it just this analytical
18:23
Speaker 1: Oh yep, I know what's going on, but how they
18:26
Speaker 1: actually what are they doing about it? You know? And
18:29
Speaker 1: this then leads to stress, anxiety, depression, all these other things.
18:33
Speaker 1: So that's what's happening with people that have low emotional intelligence.
18:37
Speaker 1: Now let's talk about the actual brain regions involved. Let's
18:40
Speaker 1: talk about the neuroscience of emotional intelligence. And I'm going
18:42
Speaker 1: to be talking about two brain regions that I seem
18:44
Speaker 1: to talk about all the fucking time, But when it
18:47
Speaker 1: comes to any kind of emotion, these are the regions
18:50
Speaker 1: that are going to keep cropping up again and again
18:51
Speaker 1: and again. Okay. And it is the limbic system, the
18:56
Speaker 1: center of emotions. This is also when it comes to
18:58
Speaker 1: self control, when it comes to discipline, when it comes
19:00
Speaker 1: to habits. So you've heard me talk about it in
19:02
Speaker 1: the last neuroscience episode, and I'm going to talk about
19:04
Speaker 1: it again. The amygdala, the hippocampus, the hypothalamus. This is
19:08
Speaker 1: the feeling centers. It's your social emotional side as well. Okay.
19:12
Speaker 1: So this is what recognizes emotions, it's what feels the emotion,
19:19
Speaker 1: it's what reacts to emotions. It's very emotional and very important. Okay. Then,
19:23
Speaker 1: of course we've got the prefrontal cortex, the ventromedial prefrontal cortex,
19:27
Speaker 1: the dorsilateral prefrontal cortex, different regions of this prefrontal cortex,
19:32
Speaker 1: which is you know, your ability to respond appropriately, hold
19:39
Speaker 1: off on impulses, manage reactions, regulate how you feel in
19:43
Speaker 1: the moment. It's able to manage, regulate respond. Okay, you
19:48
Speaker 1: want to look at the when you talk about emotional intelligence.
19:52
Speaker 1: The emotional part of emotional intelligence is the amgdala, and
19:55
Speaker 1: the intelligence part of emotional intelligence is the prefrontal cortex,
19:59
Speaker 1: and we need both of those things working together. There
20:01
Speaker 1: is no emotional intelligence without the prefrontal cortex being involved. Impossible,
20:06
Speaker 1: actually impossible, okay, and I will give you a prime
20:09
Speaker 1: example as to why that is. So we're looking at
20:11
Speaker 1: these different brain regions, right, So we've got the feelings
20:14
Speaker 1: that are coming from the emotional center, We've got the
20:15
Speaker 1: intelligence that's coming from the prefrontal cortex. And then we're
20:20
Speaker 1: seeing that people with really evolved emotional intelligence have much
20:24
Speaker 1: higher activity in the prefrontal cortex versus those that have
20:29
Speaker 1: low emotional intelligence. We also see that people with ADHD
20:34
Speaker 1: have a disregulated activity within the prefrontal cortex. So it
20:38
Speaker 1: might be higher activity and then lower activity. And then
20:40
Speaker 1: when you'd see quote unquote normal activity in the normal population,
20:45
Speaker 1: you're going to see different kinds of activity in the
20:47
Speaker 1: prefrontal cortex with people with ADHD. And then neurotypical people
20:52
Speaker 1: in general, different kinds of neurotypical, you know, whether it's
20:55
Speaker 1: autism or other things as well. You may see a
20:58
Speaker 1: difference there on what we're talking about. Obviously, there's a
21:02
Speaker 1: I'm not even gonna start naming it because I could
21:04
Speaker 1: have gone forever. In addition, there's also if you have
21:07
Speaker 1: trauma to the prefrontal cortex. So if anyone's done psychology
21:10
Speaker 1: at UNI, if anyone's done neuroscience at UNI, even high school,
21:13
Speaker 1: I don't know what psych one oh one. The first
21:15
Speaker 1: lecture you're ever going to go to in psychology or neuroscience,
21:18
Speaker 1: you're probably gonna hear about a dude called Phineas Gage
21:21
Speaker 1: back in the fucking early nineteen hundreds, And this guy
21:23
Speaker 1: was working on the train tracks and he was like
21:26
Speaker 1: packing dynamite or whatever into this thing that he needed to,
21:30
Speaker 1: like into a rock, and basically he was he was
21:33
Speaker 1: packing it with like a rod, a metal rod, and
21:35
Speaker 1: he a spark lit long story short, this metal rod
21:38
Speaker 1: went up through kind of the inside of his cheek
21:40
Speaker 1: bun and then blew out from the top of his
21:43
Speaker 1: skull amazingly like the rest of his head was incredibly intact,
21:47
Speaker 1: but he had the rod right through his head. Okay,
21:50
Speaker 1: So the surgery got the rod removed or was good.
21:52
Speaker 1: He made what seemed to be a miraculous recovery. But
21:56
Speaker 1: then what happened was that he experienced this severe reduction
22:01
Speaker 1: in emotional intelligence. He was not able to regulate his emotions,
22:04
Speaker 1: he was unable to read social cues, he was volatile,
22:08
Speaker 1: he would gamble everything away. He wouldn't be able to
22:11
Speaker 1: kind of manage and predict the consequences of his own behaviors.
22:16
Speaker 1: It couldn't anticipate that kind of stuff. His intellect and
22:19
Speaker 1: his memory stayed, so it was just as quote unquite
22:22
Speaker 1: intelligent as before, and his memory was fine, but that
22:25
Speaker 1: social intelligence side of him completely went away. He was
22:28
Speaker 1: more volatile, more angry, more reactive, all of that. Okay,
22:34
Speaker 1: So that inhibition went down, so he had less inhibition.
22:40
Speaker 1: He couldn't inhibit things, reactions, responses. So it was all
22:44
Speaker 1: just like that, and then he lost his job. Like
22:47
Speaker 1: a lot of things went wrong for this poor guy. Okay.
22:49
Speaker 1: So they were saying, where there's actual trauma in a
22:52
Speaker 1: part of the brain, and how it actually directly impacts
22:54
Speaker 1: your emotional intelligence. Okay, So we're looking at these networks
22:59
Speaker 1: in the brain and it's also known as there's also
23:02
Speaker 1: something known as the social brain network, and it's the
23:05
Speaker 1: particular networks within these regions of the brain that make
23:08
Speaker 1: for a really socially healthy brain as far as emotional
23:11
Speaker 1: intelligence versus one that doesn't. The more active these networks
23:15
Speaker 1: are and the better they are at communicating with each other,
23:17
Speaker 1: the more likely you are at having better emotional intelligence
23:21
Speaker 1: and self control and you know, being able to you know,
23:26
Speaker 1: I've done episodes where we talk about regulating anger and
23:28
Speaker 1: anxiety and things like that, and again it talks about
23:30
Speaker 1: these two brain regions communicating with each other because it's
23:33
Speaker 1: the logical part of the brain that's able to regulate.
23:36
Speaker 1: There is no regulate if we don't have the prefrontal
23:39
Speaker 1: cortex interacting. And the way we interact properly is with
23:42
Speaker 1: more connectivity, a healthy back and forth, open communication, like
23:47
Speaker 1: a stream of information between the two regions. That's where
23:50
Speaker 1: you're going to see a much more well rounded person
23:54
Speaker 1: as far as emotional regulation is concerned. Okay, now let's
23:57
Speaker 1: talk about how we can improve our emotional intelligence. Okay,
24:03
Speaker 1: emotional intelligence is not about how deeply you feel Okay,
24:07
Speaker 1: it's not about how much you cry, how emotional you are,
24:11
Speaker 1: how you know, if you're the most empathetic person in
24:14
Speaker 1: the world, it doesn't necessarily make you like if someone's like,
24:17
Speaker 1: I'm an EmPATH, I'm an EmPATH. I feel Ever that
24:19
Speaker 1: you might be emotionally intelligent, you also might not be. Okay,
24:23
Speaker 1: it's a mix of things, because if you're just empathetic
24:26
Speaker 1: and if you're just constantly feeling other people's pain but
24:29
Speaker 1: there's none of the prefrontal cortic's coming into it, then
24:32
Speaker 1: that's not going to solve any of your emotional intelligence problems,
24:35
Speaker 1: is it. So it's a fine balance, right, So it
24:40
Speaker 1: is not about being more sensitive. It's about thinking about
24:45
Speaker 1: what you are feeling. Right, It's also not about avoiding
24:47
Speaker 1: your feelings. So we have to have the two. We
24:50
Speaker 1: have to feel the feeling. We can't avoid it. We
24:53
Speaker 1: can't brush it under the rug. We can't have this
24:55
Speaker 1: like fake therapy talk when in reality you're just absolutely
24:58
Speaker 1: avoiding what you're feeling. Those people that are angry, but
25:01
Speaker 1: they never look at the underlying issue of what is
25:03
Speaker 1: causing the anger, that kind of thing. So we have
25:05
Speaker 1: to feel the emotion. But then after we've felt it,
25:07
Speaker 1: we need to know what to do with that emotion.
25:09
Speaker 1: If you just stay at the feeling the emotion, that's
25:12
Speaker 1: not emotional intelligence, that's just emotional Okay. So now we've
25:16
Speaker 1: got to number one, feel the feeling. We have to
25:18
Speaker 1: be able to feel it, we have to be able
25:19
Speaker 1: to recognize it, name it toertainment, all the above. Then
25:22
Speaker 1: we've got to be able to know what we are
25:25
Speaker 1: doing about that. Okay. Like I said, really sensitive people
25:28
Speaker 1: are not necessarily the most emotionally intelligent. Some really emotionally
25:32
Speaker 1: reserved people can actually be really good at feeling their
25:35
Speaker 1: emotions quite well and do a really good job of it.
25:38
Speaker 1: It's just not that public with their emotions. So if
25:40
Speaker 1: someone is reserved, it doesn't mean they're emotionally like they're
25:44
Speaker 1: lacking in emotionally intelligence either. It just depends how they
25:48
Speaker 1: manage their emotions. Because you can be very in tune
25:50
Speaker 1: with your emotions but not be overly externally expressive with
25:54
Speaker 1: your emotions. So you can't judge a book by its cover.
25:57
Speaker 1: When someone who doesn't outwardly show these big emotions, they
26:00
Speaker 1: might still be very good at managing their emotions. They
26:02
Speaker 1: might still be very good at feeling and knowing their emotions,
26:05
Speaker 1: they might not just do it so visibly in front
26:08
Speaker 1: of other people. So when a nutshell, emotions without regulation
26:11
Speaker 1: is not emotional intelligence. So one thing we're going to
26:14
Speaker 1: do is cognitive reappraisal. So that is reframing your thoughts
26:20
Speaker 1: about a situation. Right, So this is where we have
26:23
Speaker 1: to take a situation that's gone down. Let's say it's
26:26
Speaker 1: my friends didn't invite me to something, or I, you know,
26:31
Speaker 1: blew up about that thing, or I reacted really badly,
26:34
Speaker 1: or I took that rejection as whatever, or I took
26:36
Speaker 1: my boss's feedback. And we're going to reappraise this. We're
26:39
Speaker 1: going to crack it open and look at what is
26:42
Speaker 1: the truth and what isn't the truth, what could be changed,
26:45
Speaker 1: what could be done differently. And the reason why this
26:47
Speaker 1: is so important is because you are getting your prefrontal
26:50
Speaker 1: cortex active. You are involving your prefrontal cortex in something
26:54
Speaker 1: that is normally just an emotional reaction to something, even
26:58
Speaker 1: if it was terrible. Say you did go to an event,
27:01
Speaker 1: you isolated someone, you didn't read the room, da da da,
27:03
Speaker 1: and then you leave being like, oh my god, I
27:05
Speaker 1: had oh, if you sit in this self punishment hatred
27:10
Speaker 1: of like, oh my god, I'm self aware enough now
27:12
Speaker 1: to realize that I was the problem, But it could
27:14
Speaker 1: still be beneficial because a cognitive reappraisal lets you look
27:17
Speaker 1: at that and say, okay, well, as mortified as I am, there,
27:22
Speaker 1: thankfully is a reason why people didn't want to hang
27:26
Speaker 1: out with me or kept walking away. It's not because
27:28
Speaker 1: they just don't like me. It's because they were responding
27:31
Speaker 1: to an inappropriate behavior of mine, which is good to
27:34
Speaker 1: know because that can learn from that. Okay, so if
27:37
Speaker 1: someone was just mean to me for the sake of
27:39
Speaker 1: just being mean, well that would that's called bullying, right.
27:42
Speaker 1: But if someone is kind of walking away from me
27:44
Speaker 1: because I'm not reading the room and I keep displaying
27:47
Speaker 1: inappropriate behavior or I'm isolating people from the group, then
27:50
Speaker 1: that's a teachable moment for me, and I can do
27:52
Speaker 1: something about it. This reappraisal that you're going through is
27:56
Speaker 1: your prefrontal cortex getting a better connect with your emotional centers.
28:01
Speaker 1: The more you do that, the more you can then
28:03
Speaker 1: make these edits and changes on the spot. You go
28:06
Speaker 1: to a party next time and you think this person's
28:09
Speaker 1: body language is clearly not wanting to have a one
28:12
Speaker 1: on one conversation, right, And I've learned that from last time.
28:16
Speaker 1: So I'm having this conversation and I notice that they're
28:18
Speaker 1: smiling and nodding, but they're not asking questions. Number one,
28:21
Speaker 1: they're not asking questions. It's a big one. They're either
28:23
Speaker 1: not interested or well, they're probably just not interested. Right.
28:27
Speaker 1: If someone's not you're seeing them kind of look to
28:29
Speaker 1: other people. You're seeing them a hahahaha wave to other
28:31
Speaker 1: people trying to engage. That's your cue to be like, anyway,
28:34
Speaker 1: I could go on forever, but I'll leave you now.
28:36
Speaker 1: It's so good to catch up, but we've got so
28:38
Speaker 1: many people to say hi to. Perfect Then that person's like,
28:41
Speaker 1: oh shit, they were really And then next time they
28:43
Speaker 1: see you, they're not going to be terrified to say
28:45
Speaker 1: hi to you because they're like, well, she's not going
28:47
Speaker 1: to trap me forever. She's probably just gonna talk about
28:49
Speaker 1: for a bit. But she's emotionally aware enough, she's emotionally
28:52
Speaker 1: intelligent enough that she knows when to cut it short.
28:55
Speaker 1: Sometimes you will get into a conversation with someone and
28:57
Speaker 1: because you're reading the room, the back and forth is
28:59
Speaker 1: so intense. It's got nothing to do with you isolating them.
29:01
Speaker 1: It's just the two of you are like, ah, this
29:04
Speaker 1: is such a good conversation, and then there is no like,
29:07
Speaker 1: oh my god, I'm mortified up like isolated that person
29:09
Speaker 1: because they were clearly giving the energy that you were giving. Okay,
29:12
Speaker 1: So that's where cognitive re approsal comes in. Let's say
29:14
Speaker 1: your boss gives you some negative feedback and you go
29:16
Speaker 1: home thinking, oh my god, I fund and this instead
29:19
Speaker 1: of thinking, it is my boss's job to get me
29:23
Speaker 1: to work to the best of my ability. If they
29:25
Speaker 1: didn't pull me up on something where I could improve,
29:28
Speaker 1: they wouldn't be doing their job right. Also, how would
29:31
Speaker 1: I know all of these things without experiencing the job.
29:34
Speaker 1: So then you start thinking, Okay, it's not an absolute
29:36
Speaker 1: attack on me. Most of the people that probably work
29:38
Speaker 1: in this position have to receive this feedback at some point.
29:41
Speaker 1: How else would I know better if not for the feedback?
29:44
Speaker 1: And then you start again prefrontal cortex coming in. I'm
29:47
Speaker 1: not being attacked. This isn't like, oh my god, yourself
29:49
Speaker 1: fucking shit it what you do? Instead of acting like
29:51
Speaker 1: the victim in the situation, you start thinking Oh my god,
29:53
Speaker 1: there's all these other reasons why this person had this
29:56
Speaker 1: conversation with me and why it can be helpful. So
29:58
Speaker 1: even when it seems all bad, this cognitive reappraisal and
30:01
Speaker 1: a reframing of how something went down is one of
30:04
Speaker 1: the best ways to bring your prefrontal cortex into it. Again.
30:07
Speaker 1: I'm gonna say it for the ten millionth time, name
30:09
Speaker 1: it toertainment. When you're going through an emotion that's just personal,
30:12
Speaker 1: maybe no one's even there, name the emotion. You say,
30:15
Speaker 1: I'm feeling anxious, and you could just sit in that anxiety.
30:18
Speaker 1: I'm feeling anxious and then you think, hey, what really
30:20
Speaker 1: triggered that anxiety, And then you say it's because I'm
30:22
Speaker 1: scared I'm scared of this going on, or like I'm
30:25
Speaker 1: scared that this is going to fail, or I'm scared
30:27
Speaker 1: that people are laughing at me. Name it. Name it,
30:31
Speaker 1: and you don't have to come up with a solution.
30:33
Speaker 1: Just name it. You don't have to if anything, don't
30:35
Speaker 1: come up with solution, especially if it's not an obvious one.
30:39
Speaker 1: Just allow yourself to be like, hey, maybe i'm feeling
30:41
Speaker 1: this way, or I also felt this way in the past,
30:43
Speaker 1: or this is what's you know impacted it, and this
30:45
Speaker 1: is how I'm feeling. It's really healthy to do that,
30:48
Speaker 1: and that the ability to sit with your emotions is
30:50
Speaker 1: a huge marker of emotional intelligence because you're not avoiding,
30:53
Speaker 1: you're not viewing it from above without actually being in
30:56
Speaker 1: it and sitting in it and knowing what it feels like.
30:58
Speaker 1: When you learn to actually be in touch with your
31:00
Speaker 1: own emotions, you also get better at empathy because you
31:04
Speaker 1: feel your own emotions, so you understand when someone else
31:08
Speaker 1: is going through something really difficult kind of what it's
31:10
Speaker 1: looking like maybe for them. Okay, you pause before a
31:15
Speaker 1: reaction every time you're about to react to something, or
31:20
Speaker 1: when you're about to crack a joke, just give yourself
31:23
Speaker 1: a moment, okay, especially if you're someone where people have
31:26
Speaker 1: always said you're joking at inappropriate times, maybe don't joke
31:29
Speaker 1: right now. Like there are some people that crack jokes
31:31
Speaker 1: in the most inappropriate times ever, and it's a defense mechanism.
31:35
Speaker 1: It's not that they're just an absolute asshole. It's how
31:38
Speaker 1: they respond to an awkward moment. They don't know what
31:40
Speaker 1: to do, they feel uncomfortable, so then they say something
31:43
Speaker 1: completely inappropriate to kind of like aha, and you could
31:48
Speaker 1: be like at a fucking funeral. It could be like
31:52
Speaker 1: just when other people are like mind blown that you
31:55
Speaker 1: just actually said that thing, and for you it's like, well,
31:58
Speaker 1: it was just you know, I was just trying to Oh,
32:00
Speaker 1: I don't know what to say. That's another thing. So
32:03
Speaker 1: if people have given you feedback that maybe don't make
32:05
Speaker 1: those jokes. Pause pause, pause, pause, pause, pause. The moment
32:09
Speaker 1: you pause, it gives your prefrontal cortex an opportunity to
32:13
Speaker 1: just step in and redirect what you're going to do.
32:17
Speaker 1: If we let our emotional systems run rampant, then of
32:21
Speaker 1: course we do these outbursts. We snap at someone, we
32:23
Speaker 1: react terribly, we say that thing we're going to regret.
32:25
Speaker 1: We say that inappropriate joke because we felt awkward. We
32:27
Speaker 1: never allow ourselves to sit in this awkward situation. We
32:32
Speaker 1: never allow us us to accept that feedback. We never
32:34
Speaker 1: so it's just this constant like we're stopping ourselves from
32:38
Speaker 1: experiencing what was supposed to be experienced in that moment.
32:40
Speaker 1: Without the pause, we don't experience what was intended for us.
32:45
Speaker 1: When we pause, we a experience the real thing, and
32:49
Speaker 1: b we can respond accordingly or not respond at all
32:52
Speaker 1: if that's the appropriate thing to do, okay, so pause
32:55
Speaker 1: before reaction. It gives your prefrontal cortex the opportunity to
32:58
Speaker 1: step in. I'm talking about seconds, two seconds, three seconds,
33:01
Speaker 1: it's enough. Just instead of just hold one bang okay,
33:06
Speaker 1: it's a different response. And the more you do it,
33:08
Speaker 1: the better you get. The brain is like a muscle.
33:11
Speaker 1: It you know, it does what it is trained to do,
33:14
Speaker 1: and the more you train it to do it, the
33:15
Speaker 1: easier it becomes to do that thing. Mindfulness meditation. I
33:18
Speaker 1: know you hate to hear it, but mindfulness meditation, there's
33:21
Speaker 1: a few studies that show that just weeks some start
33:23
Speaker 1: to say eight weeks some it's a bit less of regular.
33:27
Speaker 1: Mindfulness meditation starts to massively strengthen these regions. Starts to
33:31
Speaker 1: help you get better at processing your own emotions and
33:33
Speaker 1: those of others, knowing to act accordingly when something happens
33:37
Speaker 1: or when someone says something based on someone else's behaviors.
33:40
Speaker 1: And then the beautiful, the beautiful thing is that it's
33:43
Speaker 1: kind of linear. The more you do this mindfulness meditation,
33:46
Speaker 1: the better you get at it. There's also many things
33:48
Speaker 1: that benefit from mindfulness meditations, Anxiety goes down, depression goes down,
33:53
Speaker 1: sleep goes up. Regions between the brain get connected a
33:57
Speaker 1: whole lot better when we meditate, prefront the cortex and
34:00
Speaker 1: limpic system, amigdola, all of that emotional emotional centers of
34:04
Speaker 1: the brain that is a huge one that gets connected
34:08
Speaker 1: and has like that, like those high ways of connectivity
34:11
Speaker 1: where you communicate really well back and forth between those
34:13
Speaker 1: brain regions and of course other brain regions as well.
34:16
Speaker 1: So meditate. If you're not already meditating, start meditating. Practicing.
34:21
Speaker 1: Theory of mind this idea that other people have different
34:27
Speaker 1: experiences in their life and therefore are going to respond
34:30
Speaker 1: and react differently to certain things. They're going to see
34:33
Speaker 1: things through a different lens to you, They're going to
34:36
Speaker 1: feel things maybe differently, and they're going to respond differently.
34:40
Speaker 1: When we can understand that other people's minds operate differently
34:44
Speaker 1: to ours, it makes us better at communicating with other
34:48
Speaker 1: people and responding appropriately to other people. Okay, if you
34:52
Speaker 1: think that everyone responds exactly how you do, then you
34:55
Speaker 1: don't understand that other people will have their own life experiences,
34:59
Speaker 1: their own mind and things that have influenced them in
35:01
Speaker 1: their life to create that mind. Okay, so always remind
35:05
Speaker 1: yourself of that. It sounds really basic, but it's important
35:08
Speaker 1: practice putting yourself in other people's shoes. Do it often,
35:11
Speaker 1: Do it all the time. My mum used to do
35:14
Speaker 1: this to Stephanie and I all the time. She used
35:16
Speaker 1: to always say, imagine, really imagine what it would be
35:20
Speaker 1: like being that person. Really imagine what it would be
35:22
Speaker 1: like if that happened to you. How do you think
35:24
Speaker 1: you'd feel, how do you think you would react, what
35:27
Speaker 1: do you think you would do? And as kids, we
35:30
Speaker 1: were always taught this, like, really really put yourself in
35:33
Speaker 1: that other person's shoes, So you start to get creative
35:37
Speaker 1: in your head literally imagining what it would be like.
35:41
Speaker 1: And of course you can't know for sean unless you've
35:43
Speaker 1: been through it, but you can come up with a
35:44
Speaker 1: pretty good fucking idea of what it would be like
35:46
Speaker 1: if something like that happened to you, and then because
35:49
Speaker 1: of that, you can become more empathetic. And then another
35:51
Speaker 1: one is active listening. You've got to try to get
35:54
Speaker 1: better at active listening. And a really good way to
35:57
Speaker 1: get better at active listening is to ask follow up
35:59
Speaker 1: questions that are relevant. So if you're someone that's heard
36:03
Speaker 1: this and you're like, fuck, that's me on my emotional
36:05
Speaker 1: intelligence is really fucked, or my fucking best friend just
36:09
Speaker 1: sent me this clearly telling me that I've got fucked
36:12
Speaker 1: emotional intelligence. What I recommend you do is, next time
36:15
Speaker 1: you hang out with someone, you are going to ask
36:19
Speaker 1: them follow up questions about something they're talking about themselves.
36:22
Speaker 1: So you go out for coffee and you say, how's
36:26
Speaker 1: whatever going for? You know, how are your parents have whatever?
36:30
Speaker 1: And listen, and then when they tell you you ask
36:33
Speaker 1: a follow up question. You're like, so you said that
36:35
Speaker 1: he was doing this, when did that start? And then
36:38
Speaker 1: they tell you really, and then ask another fucking question.
36:41
Speaker 1: Keep asking questions. Your exercise is try to not at
36:45
Speaker 1: one point and I'm not talking about forever, because it
36:47
Speaker 1: should be about you a lot of the time, but
36:49
Speaker 1: not always. And if you're practicing this and you're doing
36:51
Speaker 1: this as an exercise, the game is try to at
36:54
Speaker 1: no point in the conversation make it about you unless
36:56
Speaker 1: they ask you. Then you talk about them, but don't
36:59
Speaker 1: turn it around. I fucking whatever. And I know that
37:02
Speaker 1: we do this when we're trying to relate to other people.
37:05
Speaker 1: And I know it's not necessarily an attack or a
37:07
Speaker 1: stab or whatever. And I know that there are appropriate
37:10
Speaker 1: times to be like, oh my god, babe, I know
37:12
Speaker 1: what you're feeling, because the other day I like, it
37:14
Speaker 1: is fine to do that. But I'm talking about this
37:16
Speaker 1: for the purpose of someone who's actually trying to improve
37:19
Speaker 1: their emotional intelligence. I want you to try this exercise
37:22
Speaker 1: where you're not going to do that. I'm not saying
37:24
Speaker 1: you can never do it. I'm saying to practice follow
37:28
Speaker 1: up questions to be able to actually improve your active listening.
37:32
Speaker 1: You're going to use your prefrontal cortex to withhold talking
37:35
Speaker 1: about yourself when you want to. So that's a practicing technique.
37:39
Speaker 1: And then to ask follow up questions very important, Okay,
37:43
Speaker 1: And then once you get good at it, then you
37:44
Speaker 1: don't have to do that all the time. You just
37:46
Speaker 1: do it when appropriate. Another thing that I recommend you
37:50
Speaker 1: do is when someone has told you something, oh, I've
37:54
Speaker 1: got to go to the doctor about whatever, text them
37:57
Speaker 1: how was the doctor? What did they say? You know,
38:00
Speaker 1: if someone had gone through something difficult, just contact them saying, hey,
38:05
Speaker 1: just touching on what we spoke about a couple of
38:06
Speaker 1: days ago. Are you all good? Or do you want
38:09
Speaker 1: to catch up for a coffee. I can come bring
38:11
Speaker 1: you a coffee. Whatever. It is, just this like, hey,
38:14
Speaker 1: I remembered what you actually said, and I obviously cared,
38:17
Speaker 1: and I'm still thinking about what you're going through, so
38:19
Speaker 1: I'm reaching out. That's a great one. That's a really
38:22
Speaker 1: good one. The next and the last one is get
38:25
Speaker 1: better at knowing your emotions and then how you're going
38:28
Speaker 1: to regulate those emotions. And you do that obviously by
38:31
Speaker 1: doing the name entertainment, by sitting with your emotions and
38:33
Speaker 1: all of that which leads me to self awareness versus
38:38
Speaker 1: self intellectualization. Say that turntimes intellectualization say that turntimes really quickly. Okay,
38:46
Speaker 1: we are talking about the difference between suppressing and regulating
38:51
Speaker 1: your emotions, all right, There's a really big difference between
38:55
Speaker 1: regulating emotions and suppressing emotions. And I never want you
38:58
Speaker 1: to think that I'm ever commending that you suppress an emotion.
39:01
Speaker 1: We talk about regulating because suppressing means not feeling. Regulating
39:06
Speaker 1: is I'm feeling it. But what's the most appropriate course
39:09
Speaker 1: of action to take? Now that I felt this thing,
39:11
Speaker 1: Now that I know what I'm feeling, what do I
39:14
Speaker 1: do next, versus feeling it but letting it completely like
39:18
Speaker 1: derail your entire mind, day, year, relationship, everything. Okay, So
39:24
Speaker 1: self awareness is authentically connecting with your emotions, feeling your emotions,
39:31
Speaker 1: understanding your emotions. So I'm feeling anxious because these things
39:37
Speaker 1: really scare me, and it's you don't have to know
39:39
Speaker 1: the answer to absolutely everything. It's not saying, now, why
39:42
Speaker 1: does that thing scare me? Because when I was a child.
39:44
Speaker 1: Now why, no, no, no, no. It's not therapy talk. It
39:47
Speaker 1: is I know what emotion I'm feeling, and it's okay
39:51
Speaker 1: to feel this way. I feel sad right now, and
39:54
Speaker 1: it's okay to feel sad about this thing. You know,
39:56
Speaker 1: I've been dumped, and I don't have to pretend that
39:58
Speaker 1: it's all okay. I can act actually have my moment
40:02
Speaker 1: where I'm having a mental breakdown, where I'm having that cry.
40:05
Speaker 1: You know, you've heard my episode hopefully about how healthy
40:07
Speaker 1: it is to have a tactical cry when we're going
40:09
Speaker 1: through an emotionally difficult time. All of that, Okay. Self
40:12
Speaker 1: intellectualization is this defense mechanism where you seem self aware,
40:18
Speaker 1: but you're kind of using your acquired knowledge about emotions
40:22
Speaker 1: and about therapy and all of these things to talk
40:25
Speaker 1: about what you're going through without actually ever sitting in it.
40:28
Speaker 1: So you're kind of circling around the problem, but you're
40:30
Speaker 1: not actually sitting in it, Okay, So it's being overly analytical.
40:34
Speaker 1: So you're saying, oh, well, you know the reason I
40:36
Speaker 1: respond this way is because I have this and I
40:37
Speaker 1: shut people out and I do this and I do that,
40:39
Speaker 1: and that's just me and I don't know. But you
40:40
Speaker 1: never actually pause and think, why am I shutting people out?
40:44
Speaker 1: Is it because I've been really hurt? Is it because
40:46
Speaker 1: I'm scared? I'm scared to be hurt? So this is
40:49
Speaker 1: my defense mechanism. And you're not actually feeling these feelings.
40:51
Speaker 1: You're just really analytical. A really good example of this,
40:54
Speaker 1: and we all know, we all know someone like this,
40:58
Speaker 1: but they're the ones that will They've listened to all
41:01
Speaker 1: the podcasts about self improvement, about emotional regular and they've
41:05
Speaker 1: listened to all my podcast that lives in every podcasts,
41:08
Speaker 1: and they're really good at lecturing. They know the information, okay,
41:12
Speaker 1: but they don't apply it to themselves. They can just
41:16
Speaker 1: you know, rehearse it. They can rehearse it and regurgitate
41:21
Speaker 1: that information to other people. So it's like, oh, I've
41:23
Speaker 1: listened to everything that this podcast said, or I've read
41:25
Speaker 1: that whole book about whatever, or I've started this thing
41:28
Speaker 1: and now I've brought it on board and now I
41:30
Speaker 1: can regurgitate it, but at no point have I put
41:31
Speaker 1: it into practice. So it's that person who's in the
41:35
Speaker 1: really unhealthy relationship, but they're more than happy to lecture
41:37
Speaker 1: you about your relationship, but they'll never apply it to
41:40
Speaker 1: their own ever. They're really good at telling you how
41:42
Speaker 1: you should fix your problems, but they'll never apply these
41:45
Speaker 1: lessons to themselves and fix their own problems. Basically a hypocrite. Okay,
41:50
Speaker 1: So when someone is doing that and they're circling around,
41:53
Speaker 1: circling around, and they've got all the therapy talk and
41:55
Speaker 1: they know this, they know that, they know this, this
41:57
Speaker 1: looks like that, and this is but they still have
41:59
Speaker 1: all all the problems and all the issues. Is because
42:01
Speaker 1: they're not applying it to their own life. It's they're intellectualizing.
42:04
Speaker 1: It's too analytical, but they don't actually sit and have
42:08
Speaker 1: that fearful moment or the cry or the worry or
42:11
Speaker 1: the I don't know if this is going to go well,
42:13
Speaker 1: or I'm worried that this happened, or i feel abandoned
42:16
Speaker 1: or I've been rejected and actually sitting in this emotion
42:19
Speaker 1: what it feels like. Okay, so it's you want to
42:23
Speaker 1: look at it as mentally analyzing in order not to feel.
42:28
Speaker 1: If you feel that that's you, then I love that
42:31
Speaker 1: you have the self awareness to even know that that's you.
42:33
Speaker 1: So fucking we've made a big step. If you feel
42:36
Speaker 1: that that's you, try sitting in your emotions. And I'm
42:38
Speaker 1: not talking about bringing up emotions to make yourself suffer
42:41
Speaker 1: the importance of sitting with those emotions. I can't stress
42:45
Speaker 1: that more. Now. I'm not saying, go make yourself feel worse.
42:49
Speaker 1: And an example of making yourself feel worse than you
42:51
Speaker 1: need to is when you will be like, oh, I'm
42:54
Speaker 1: going through a breakup. Let's just listen to a two
42:57
Speaker 1: hour playlist of the most depressing songs possile and you spiral,
43:01
Speaker 1: and you spiral, and then you stalk their social media
43:04
Speaker 1: and then you go over your old messages. That's making
43:06
Speaker 1: yourself feel worse. Feeling. The feeling is, oh, I've just
43:09
Speaker 1: got this pang of missing someone I'm about to cry,
43:13
Speaker 1: don't grow, don't grow, don't cry. If you're in a
43:15
Speaker 1: place where you feel safe to cry, you actually will
43:17
Speaker 1: feel better feeling it and crying, because then the other
43:21
Speaker 1: side of those tears is relief. You also release neurochemicals
43:25
Speaker 1: in your tears that actually make you feel better, including
43:30
Speaker 1: things like oxytocin. Okay, So when you cry emotional tears,
43:34
Speaker 1: not not reflexive tears, by the way. So and then
43:39
Speaker 1: when you do that, you have the cry and you
43:40
Speaker 1: actually feel better. But if you were to suppress crying,
43:44
Speaker 1: you would actually feel shit for longer. We think, hold
43:47
Speaker 1: it down and then I'll feel better later for it,
43:49
Speaker 1: but you feel shitter for longer and long and longer.
43:51
Speaker 1: And that's emotional burnout, that's feeling overwhelmed. That's where we
43:54
Speaker 1: get chronically stressed because we think, oh my god, if
43:57
Speaker 1: I let myself feel that thing, then it's just going
43:59
Speaker 1: to be a whole av line whatever. But it's not
44:01
Speaker 1: because if I can feel it in a safe space,
44:03
Speaker 1: then that's when I can use my prefrontal cortics to
44:06
Speaker 1: come in. Once I've had that cry, and then the
44:08
Speaker 1: prefrontal cortics comes in this case, now I've cried, I've
44:11
Speaker 1: let that out. Now what can I do to make
44:13
Speaker 1: myself a little bit better now? And it's kind of
44:15
Speaker 1: that like nice ebb and flow, Having good sound mental
44:18
Speaker 1: health is not about never feeling sad, never feeling anxious, angry, reactive, responsive, whatever.
44:22
Speaker 1: It's about allowing yourself to feel that thing and then
44:25
Speaker 1: intercepting and being like, now, what now, what can I
44:28
Speaker 1: do about that thing? Now that I know that this
44:30
Speaker 1: is how I'm feeling, what can I do? What's the
44:32
Speaker 1: appropriate course of action? That's the difference. It's never about
44:35
Speaker 1: avoiding ever, and people that are really that intellectualize everything
44:39
Speaker 1: are master avoids. They're not actually feeling the thing. So
44:43
Speaker 1: feel your emotions, sit with them, and you will learn
44:46
Speaker 1: so much about yourself and you will actually improve your
44:48
Speaker 1: emotional intelligence by doing so. Okay, you'd be better at,
44:52
Speaker 1: you know, interacting with other people and reading other people
44:54
Speaker 1: when you're more in touch with your own emotions. So
44:57
Speaker 1: please listen to the tactical cry, which will link in
45:01
Speaker 1: the show notes, because that will give you a really
45:04
Speaker 1: good understanding about how to start feeling your emotions safely
45:07
Speaker 1: and comfortably without being a really scary task that you've
45:11
Speaker 1: got to do okay. So in conclusion to this whole episode,
45:16
Speaker 1: is emotional intelligence purely cognitive, No, because that would be intellectualization, right,
45:22
Speaker 1: Is it purely emotional? No? Because when you're completely emotional,
45:26
Speaker 1: that's when you shut off your IQ. You know, when
45:27
Speaker 1: someone gets really angry because they're fearful or because they're
45:29
Speaker 1: insecure or whatever, the reasoning goes out the window. The
45:32
Speaker 1: moment they're really heightened emotionally, don't bother, say listen, I'll
45:36
Speaker 1: talk to you later, and then then maybe when you're calm.
45:39
Speaker 1: You know, there's people that when you're calm, you can
45:40
Speaker 1: have a really good conversation, but the moment they get heated,
45:42
Speaker 1: it's like all reasoning goes out the window, and you
45:44
Speaker 1: just like why bother that kind of thing. When there's
45:47
Speaker 1: too much emotion, you shut off your emotional intelligence. You
45:52
Speaker 1: literally shut off the ability for the prefrontal cortex to
45:55
Speaker 1: intercept because it's just overactive. Now that part of the
45:56
Speaker 1: brand's overactive. So you just need to like just call
45:59
Speaker 1: it a day, right, just cut your losses. So we
46:03
Speaker 1: want to think about the perfect balance real you know,
46:08
Speaker 1: emotional intelligence is a mix between emotional and prefrontal cortex
46:12
Speaker 1: emotional and reasoning, and you know, your cognitive interference technically
46:18
Speaker 1: with these emotions and how you then process, and that
46:21
Speaker 1: comes down to connectivity between the brain regions and then
46:24
Speaker 1: all of that is improved by doing all these things
46:26
Speaker 1: that I just spoke about. And really, if you listen
46:28
Speaker 1: to a lot of my episodes, you probably see it
46:30
Speaker 1: coming being like, yeah, no, I need to be meditating,
46:33
Speaker 1: I need to be fucking working on my sleep, I
46:36
Speaker 1: need to be having the tactical cry, I need to betting.
46:38
Speaker 1: All these things and that will improve your emotional intelligence. Okay,
46:42
Speaker 1: So the more you practice these things, the better the
46:45
Speaker 1: connectivity and the better your responses will be to all
46:50
Speaker 1: this stimulus around you in the world with other people,
46:53
Speaker 1: with you know, behaving accordingly in a social situation and
46:57
Speaker 1: also responding accordingly to your own emotion as well. Anyone
47:01
Speaker 1: can get better at it. It just depends, you know,
47:05
Speaker 1: everyone starts at a different level. It's not saying that
47:07
Speaker 1: it's easy for everyone. For some people it will be
47:09
Speaker 1: harder than others. Other people have a more difficult starting
47:11
Speaker 1: position than others, especially if you do have ADHD and
47:14
Speaker 1: things like that. But people with ADHD specifically benefit from
47:18
Speaker 1: a lot of these things massively, because there are at
47:21
Speaker 1: that deficit and there's many things that they can do
47:23
Speaker 1: to improve it. So no matter where you are, who
47:25
Speaker 1: you are, these things can be put into practice to
47:27
Speaker 1: at the very least improve your situation. It's not saying
47:31
Speaker 1: it's all gonna get cute and be better over and whatever,
47:33
Speaker 1: but these can make a difference, and that's kind of
47:36
Speaker 1: what we're working towards. We're always working towards making some
47:38
Speaker 1: sort of a difference and becoming the best version that
47:41
Speaker 1: we can be of ourselves to other people and to ourselves.
47:44
Speaker 1: Cool cool bit. That is the episode of Today on
47:47
Speaker 1: Emotional Intelligence. Guys, love you so much. Thank you for
47:51
Speaker 1: tuning in and listening to the podcast episode of Today.
47:54
Speaker 1: Please go and answer that poll. I don't know have
47:55
Speaker 1: worded the question because I haven't written it yet, but
47:58
Speaker 1: it would be hopefully more cohesive when you read the question.
48:02
Speaker 1: And if you don't already follow, do you fucking mind
48:03
Speaker 1: on Instagram? Go follow because you can vote on that
48:06
Speaker 1: poll as well. But we're just trying to make this
48:07
Speaker 1: podcast the best possible podcast it can be, so I'm
48:11
Speaker 1: trying to figure out the ultimate format for you guys,
48:15
Speaker 1: because I kind of do miss the old school Monday
48:17
Speaker 1: episode format, but we'll see if you guys also miss it,
48:19
Speaker 1: And if you are an OG listener, then you'll know
48:21
Speaker 1: what I'm fucking talking about. And if you're not going
48:23
Speaker 1: to listen to any episode before episode two hundred anyway,
48:26
Speaker 1: I've got to go actually have a meeting, So I
48:28
Speaker 1: love you guys so much. As always, remember becind to yourself,
48:31
Speaker 1: be can't your brain, don't take shit from anyone, and
48:33
Speaker 1: especially don't text shit from yourself. Dunker