Latest / The Rabbi Dov Ber Cohen Podcast / Parashat Balak: What It Really Means to Show Up as a Mensch
Transcript
- I'm going to teach you the most important thing you could ever know. We're going to learn it today. It's called Tzuras Ha'adam. It's a very important term that you need to know in your life. It's called Tzuras Ha'adam, which means the form of a man. Are you a man? Are you a man? Are you a man? Are you a Jew? Do you have the tzora? Means the form really. The form of a man, which means are you a mensch? Do you have dignity? Do you have dignity? Are you showing up like a man? Are you showing up like a mensch? As we've said many, many times before, the thing that defines you most is how good a husband and father you are. That defines you most. Not how rich you are, not how talented you are, not how intelligent you are, not how good-looking you are. How good a husband and father you are. Tzuras Ha'adam, are you carrying yourself like a man? Like a mensch? How do you carry yourself? And there's something else called shora. Very related words. Tzora is the form, shora is the path, the expected way that you behave. So they're very connected. If you have the right form, if you have the right image of yourself, if you're showing up how you're meant to show up, then you will be walking in the right path. You will have the right. If you have the right tzora, you should have the right shora. If you have the right self-image, you will then have the right actions and the way you show up and behave in the world. And why are we talking about this? Because this week's parsha is talking about Balak and Bilaam. And our sages very often compare Bilaam, this evil, evil, evil person, to Avraham, the greatest person, the person who really showed you what does it mean to be a Jew, what does it mean to turn up in the world how you are created. And remember, you were created B'tzelem Elokim. You're created in the image of God. And בנים אתם לה' אלקיכם, we are God's kids. So you want to turn up, if your dad's the king, you want to turn up like a prince. You don't want to turn up like a beggar. You don't want to let yourself down. The Gemara actually says you can tell a lot about a person by kis, kaas, cos, kis, kaas, cos or the other way around: cos, kaas, some way around. And that means with kis means money, kaas means anger, cos means literally cup, it means alcohol. You can tell a lot about a person when he starts getting involved in these things. How much alcohol does this guy drink and how does he behave when he drinks alcohol? Because alcohol breaks the Tzuras Ha'adam. This is why we're not into alcohol, by the way. Judaism not into alcohol. You might be saying, \"What do you mean this rabbi...?\" Judaism not into alcohol. One day a year, Purim, we're into alcohol. Pesach, we drink four cups of wine. We're into wine in moderation, not into alcohol. Why? Because it is mekalkel, it breaks what it means to be a mensch. If you're not walking, you just lose self-control. You throw up, you say things, you do things that you're not proud of in the morning. You completely lost your Tzuras Ha'adam. You lost your form and your shora. You went off the path because you lost your dignity. Some people say, \"Well, it breaks down my inhibitions.\" So firstly, you shouldn't have inhibitions, not because you're arrogant, but just because you have a Tzuras Ha'adam. Someone who is showing up like a mensch, I don't have inhibitions because I'm not getting my sense of self based on what other people think of me. I'm not trying to perform to impress anyone. So I don't have inhibitions. I don't need to drink alcohol to let down my inhibitions. It's a crazy thing that you need to do. But then people feel I do, and then what happens when you let down your inhibitions? Then your real tzora comes out. So you can have a bad tzora. You can see yourself as just some frat boy when it comes to alcohol, or you can see, no, I'm the son of the king. I don't do that because I'm the son of the king. So it's not arrogance, it's holding yourself up to standard. I have values, I have values, I have standards, I just don't do that sort of thing. So cos is a very, very big one. How much you drink, why you drink? Are you drinking to let down your inhibitions? Are you drinking to deal with your emotional problems? Are you drinking to escape? Are you drinking to be confident enough to go and talk to that girl? Whatever it is, that's a very, very low level. Are you drinking to make Kiddush, mekadesh? Under the chuppah, under your chuppah you're going to drink some wine. At the bris there's wine. Shabbat there's wine. Wine's not a bad thing if you use it in the right way, in moderation, with the right intention. Why am I doing this? Is this helping me tap into my tzora, into my essence of being a mensch, or is it taking me away from it? Kaas, anger. How often do you get angry? What makes you angry? How long do you hold onto your anger once you're angry? Once again, someone who has a Tzurah of an ego, a form of an ego, I get my sense of self based on how rich, good-looking I am, what I do, all the external things. So they get angry very easily. Very easy to upset arrogant people. Very easy, because they've got such a Tzurah of \"Do you know who I am?\". It's a false sense of self. \"Do you know who I am? I'm better than you. I put you down.\" That's a very low Tzurah. It's a very low Tzurah. So they get angry quickly. Someone who is a mentsch and is humble but has a strong sense of self, they don't get angry, they don't get upset, they don't get offended. Someone who has no sense of self, they have low self-esteem, they don't get angry but they get upset a lot. They get upset with themselves. It's easy to put them down because they just don't feel good about themselves. So you want Tzuras Ha'adam. You want to be a man. You want to be a man. You want to show up in the world like a man. A man never shouts at his wife. Just doesn't. A man never raises his voice to his wife. Doesn't happen. Cannot happen. A ridiculous thing to even cross your mind. A man has self-control, immense self-control. A man is open to his emotions and can cry if he needs to cry. Some people mess up and say \"Oh, men don't cry.\" That's not true. You're allowed to cry at the right time. It's a good thing. It's a healthy thing to be able to cry. Someone was actually saying to me struggling with something and it's very painful for him. And I said \"That's a good thing. You should struggle.\" He had a question something in the Torah that he was struggling. He said \"This doesn't seem right\" and I said \"I'm glad. I'm glad. It means you're an emotionally sensitive human being. You should struggle with things like that. That's a healthy thing.\" So when I say man, it doesn't mean David Goggins. \"You can't hurt me!\" No, I don't think that's a man. That's robot. That's not man. It's not. Man is balanced. Man is healthy. Man is present. Man is sensitive. Man is vulnerable. Man shows up for himself, for other people. It's real. That's good. Don't get angry though. Don't get angry. What's anger all about? Anger is about ego. No ego, no anger. No emunah, lots of anger. So someone who's got the Tzuras Ha'adam, the Tzelem Elokim, you're not getting angry. And bekis is money. Money, but it really means pocket. How much are you obsessed with money? Need more money, want more money, money, money, money, money, money, money. And what do you do with your money? How do you use your money? And do you get a sense of self based on your money? And if you lose your money, does that break you? Money, money, money, money. Tzuras Ha'adam. So you've got to get the right Tzurah and then you can walk in the right shura. So Bilam, a terribly evil human being, is compared to Avraham because they had the opposite Tzurah. The opposite sense of self. Who am I? Bilam had this arrogant \"I'm great, what I say goes\" ego sense of self and therefore he walked a certain way and he demanded respect and honor. And Avraham had a very powerful sense of self as a servant of Hashem. And I'm not here for me at all and I'm nullifying myself to Hashem and he walked with a certain sense of honor for Hashem though, not for himself. So you have to look good, by the way, for Hashem. You represent Judaism. You can't walk around with dirty clothes. That's not Tzuras Ha'adam. In fact, and this is very, very difficult for me, the halacha says you can't walk around barefoot. You're not allowed to wear—you're not allowed to walk around barefoot. Like even in the house? In the road. Don't—why? Because that's animal. Men wear shoes. Humans wear shoes. Why? Because it elevates you a little bit from the ground. Now we're going to see soon that when it's very, very holy land, then you take your shoes off. That's a very high level. The first thing that God says to Moshe is take off your shoes. When you go into the Temple, take off your shoes. When the kohanim bless you, take off your shoes. So there is an idea of being stuck to the earth, but only in a very, very holy way. Otherwise, you're just going to be sucked down by the earth. So you've got to wear shoes. Very hard for me. I hate wearing shoes. Very difficult for me to wear shoes. Rabbi barefoot they call me. I didn't wear shoes for six years. I'm not wearing shoes, but I can't show up at some talk somewhere not wearing shoes. I show up wearing shoes and I take them off. So like on a hiking trail, you wouldn't be able to go barefoot? No, you go with flip-flops. Go flip-flops like a man. None of these big hiking boots with extra ankle support. Hit the flip-flops. Wait, is that serious? What? Like that's a halacha against those kind of shoes? No, no, you can. I'm just saying. I don't—I think hiking should be done in flip-flops. I just—maybe. I think everything should be done in flip-flops, to be honest. And that's how they used to do it back in the day. Moshe Rabbeinu wasn't wearing shoes. He was wearing flip-flops. Anyway, so... Balak and Bilam and Avraham are often compared. The main way they are often compared is their ratzon, their will, their desire, because they were exactly opposite in that. We see in this week's parsha that Bilam wanted to go and curse the Jewish people. Hashem says don't, I don't want you to. Bilam says I want to. Hashem says I don't want you to. Bilam says I want to. So we have a rule in Judaism, בדרך שאדם רוצה לילך מוליכין אותו. In the way you want to go, Hashem lets you go. You got free will. Hashem says fine go then. You want to do that? You want to mess up your life? Go mess up your life. Hashem's not gonna stop you. You got free will in general. Sometimes he overrides it as we actually see in this week's parsha. He overrode Bilam's desire to curse us. But in general you want to do it, go do it. I'm not stopping you. So Hashem says I don't want you to, Bilam says I want to, and Bilam says and Hashem says look, either way it's your desire or my desire. Bilam says me, me. I'm doing my desire. Avraham, punfarkerd, Avraham's exactly the opposite. Hashem says to Avraham, קח נא את בנך. Take your son and bring him up as an offering, the Akeida. Take Yitzchak, bring him up as an offering. Some people say God commanded Avraham to do that, but really we see that it says קח נא את בנך, please take up your son, kach na, please, which means it wasn't a command, it was a request. Hashem says to Avraham, I want you to take up your son. You don't have to, but I want you to. That's a much harder test by the way, much harder. God tells you to do it, you do it. God is saying you don't have to do it, I'm saying that I want you to do it. And remember everything God wants is for our best. If God wants you to do this for some reason, it's for your best. So Avraham did not want to do it. Avraham doesn't want to do it. I don't want to take up my son. I love him, it doesn't make any sense. You told me I'm going to have a great nation through my son. I've just been teaching the whole world that you can't kill your son, like it goes against everything I believe in, everything I want. I don't want it. Hashem says look Avraham, I want you to do it. Avraham was mivatel himself. He was completely nullified himself to God's will and said okay, I'll do what you want. I'll do what you want. And we have to understand, we spoke about this yesterday I think, or last week. You have two wills. You're driven by two forces. You're driven by an animal desire, an animal ratzon and you're driven by a godly ratzon. Which means you want to eat that thing, but you don't want to eat that thing. You want to smoke but you want to give up smoking. You want to get out of bed and go for a run but you want to stay and lie in bed. You want to be a mentsh but you also want to shout at your wife and show that you're right and she's wrong, whatever. You have a split ratzon, which we learn from the first paragraph of the Shema, ואהבת את ה׳ אלהיך בכל לבבך, two veis means you have a split ratzon. So what you're going to need is you're going to need to have willpower, ratzon, like ratzon to go and do the right thing. I'm going to do the right thing. I'm not going to be controlled by my animalistic nature. So Bilam was completely controlled by his ego, Avraham completely controlled by his neshama. I'm going to mivatel, I'm going to nullify my ego to do what Hashem wants from me. But that's really what I want for myself. The truth is, when you just feed all your ego and physical desires, you don't feel good about yourself afterwards. And when you don't, you do feel good about yourself. So that's one way is ratzon, whose ratzon am I following? But we see it in this week's parsha, it says chapter 22 verse 21. ויקם בלעם בבוקר ויחבש את אתונו. He got up in the morning and he saddled his donkey. He got up, Bilam gets up in the morning, he saddled his donkey. Have you ever heard this exact, almost exact same words before? Shrek? Avraham! Avraham got up in the morning and he saddled his donkey to go to the Akeida. So this is what Rashi says. Vayachavosh et atono, מכאן שהשנאה מקלקלת את השורה. From here we see that hatred breaks the shora. Breaks the correct thing to do. Once you are drunk, then you've broken your right thing to do. But once you have hatred, you now start acting very much against how you should be acting. Hatred, you start doing things, you start taking revenge. You're not allowed to take revenge. You're not allowed to bear a grudge. You start thinking horrible things. Even your face, the idea of hatred, your face changes like hatred. Even if you say the word hatred, sina, is like suddenly you've been taken, hatred is literally you've been taken over by this evil force. If you're walking around with hatred in your heart, you have no peace of mind. No peace of mind. You can't do anything. You're not concentrating on anything, and you start behaving badly and you start saying bad things. Speech is very important by the way, because how you speak about people affects other mitzvot, veahavta lereacha kamocha, don't hate people, judge people favorably. We need to have a whole series on lashon hara, very very important. It's really the first path, a big part of becoming a refined human being, very much watch how you speak. Because we're throwing out words all the time. You've got to be very careful how you're speaking. Not lashon hara, not putting people down. You're not saying negative things, critical things. Very important, says a lot about you, how you speak about people. Very - that's the shurah. So once you have hatred, you say bad things about people. And you say - it's very unhealthy. So he says, \"Right, I'm getting up.\" And so, how did he change? Because he was like the greatest person, and great people don't saddle their own donkeys. That's what we're saying here. He should have got his servants, he had loads of servants. Get your servant to saddle your donkey. I'm the man! But suddenly he was the most arrogant, egotistical person in the world, which would you would think that he'd go, \"nu, saddle my donkey!\" But he had so much hatred for the Jewish people, he belittled himself. He belittled himself. He made - he just made himself look like a little servant. Why? Because the hatred was so bad, he actually lost his dignity. He lost his - even though it was a false sense of self, he lost it. Rashi continues: אמר הקדוש ברוך הוא רשע. Hashem says to him, \"You're an evil person.\" כבר קדמך אברהם אבינו. Avraham Avinu already did this, dude. Avraham did this: שנאמר וישכם אברהם בבקר ויחבש את חמרו. Avraham got up in the morning when I told him to go and do the akeidah, to go take his son up for an offering. Avraham got up in the morning and he was also the king, he was a greatest person. So other people should have done it for him. But he did it himself. And over there, Rashi says why? Because אהבה מקלקלת את השורה. That love also breaks the shurah, the way, the path. But in a good way. Bilaam went below where he was meant to go. Avraham broke the path, but he elevated himself. He elevated himself above ego. He elevated himself into \"I just love Hashem, I'm just so excited, I'm going to - I want to do it myself. I want to be the one to do it. I don't want - I don't want anyone else to do this. I want to - I want to do this mitzvah. I want to do the right thing, I'm so excited that I forget about my own honor. I forget about my own dignity.\" A very - a most famous example of this is David Hamelech. David Hamelech was dancing in front of the Aron Hakodesh. The Aron got - got stolen, and it came back to Jerusalem, and David Hamelech is - started dancing like a crazy man. And his wife was like, \"What are you doing?\" and he said, \"Look, it's for the honor of Hashem.\" So this is your powers here. You have the ability to go below what you're meant to be as a dignified human being. But you also have the ability to rise above it. To rise, to - like Avraham Avinu - to rise completely above the protocol. Now you as a Jew, especially as a religious-looking Jew, have to show up like a mensch. You're in the airport, you have a kippah, I spoke in this Chassidic yeshiva Thursday night and I said to them, \"You're looking like that, people are looking at you in the airport. You'd better be extra kind, extra sweet, extra good parent, extra...\" and they really heard it. They were very like, \"Wow.\" I don't think they'd really considered that before. I said, \"You're representing God and the Torah here right now. So you've got to be sweet and don't cause trouble. Don't - chillul Hashem is the worst thing. Making God and Judaism look bad is a terrible, terrible thing.\" So there's a mussar school from Slabodka. Slabodka. When I hear the word Slabodka, I get very deeply excited. People ask me, \"You know, what are you? Are you a Chassid? Are you a this? Are you Breslev, Chabad?\" And I say, \"I love - I love Chassidut, I love learning Chassidut, but when it really comes down to it, I think I'm a baal mussar.\" A baal mussar is someone who's working on refining themselves. Refining... I'm like a Chassidic baal mussar. Refining themselves. And Slabodka especially speaks about gadlus haadam. How great man is. You're the greatest thing on the face of the planet. You are representing God on the face of the planet. And some people seem to think that humility is putting myself down - \"I'm not so good, who am I, what am I?\" and it's not. Humility is understanding how deeply great you are. Thank God, God made you deeply great. But you've got to show up. You've got to show up. This is why I'm speaking to you all the time. About living up to your values. Live up to your values. It's difficult, other people aren't doing it, you don't want to, it doesn't matter. Show up. This is what's on my father's gravestone. It says he always taught us, he taught us, always do the right thing. Because he did since I was born, do the right thing, just do the right thing, son. Do the right thing. Dad, it's hard to do the right thing. I know, son. The most supportive מענטש, amazing man who always did the right thing, immense integrity. Someone had צורת אדם, my father, צורת אדם. עליו השלום. He was a man. He showed up for his wife and family all the time, worked hard, turned up to every football, rugby, tennis match I ever went to, he was on there, he was within צורת אדם, showed up. But his one thing integrity, integrity, do the right thing, be honest, be honest. Always do the right thing. You look stupid doing the right thing, do the right thing. Why? Because מקלקלת השורה. I don't care what I look like. I don't care, I've got my form. I know who I am, I know who I am, and I'm so above לשון הרע. I don't want to speak לשון הרע. So, we just don't have time. פרקי אבות compares בלעם because I'm just going to have to sum up what is צורת אדם. What does it mean to be a man? What does it mean to show up? So פרקי אבות says that אברהם has three traits and בלעם has the opposite three traits and you want to be like אברהם. And the three traits are these. These are your three traits that today, this week, and the rest of your life you're going to be working on. Trait number one: עין טובה. עין טובה, which in other places in פרקי אבות says is the most important trait, which means a good eye. And there are many, many definitions of a good eye. Firstly, it's just seeing through love. I see through love, I'm not judgmental. I'm always looking for the good in other people, I'm always looking for the good in myself, I have gratitude. I'm always looking, good, good, I have a good eye. A good eye, I judge people favorably, I excuse other people's mistakes, always looking for the best. But one of the main things that עין טובה means is I don't get jealous because I believe there's enough for everyone. I have an עין טובה. I'm not getting jealous, there's enough. He says actually when you give out bread and you're going to be the בעל הבית, you're going to make המוציא on שבת, you should give out בעין טובה. Give everyone lots of bread, give everyone lots of food, give צדקה בעין טובה. Just give צדקה. You feel, oh, I've got to give ten percent, give more. Just give, just עין טובה, it's such a broad way to be. And בלעם was the opposite. בלעם's עין רע. Bad, looking at the bad, always seeing the bad, always seeing the bad, stingy, jealous. You don't want to be jealous. Jealousy ruins your life. Jealousy's going to ruin your life completely. עין טובה. The second one is רוח נמוכה. רוח נמוכה means a low spirit, but that doesn't sound right, it means humility. The opposite of רוח נמוכה is גס רוח or רוח גבוהה, which means arrogance. So you walk around like this. רוח נמוכה means I have a sense of self, but I'm humble. I don't need, I'm not chasing honor, I'm not chasing anything. I know my place. I know my place. I'm great, I'm doing my thing, but I know my place. I don't look down on other people. רוח נמוכה is such a good quality, true humility, like our ראש ישיבה, true humility. A humble person doesn't get offended, a humble person admits his mistakes and grows from them. A humble person doesn't put other people down. Someone who has רוח גבוהה, putting other people down, I'm better than you, angry all the time, they get offended very easily. רוח נמוכה you're just gentle. You're really, it really means a gentle spirit, I think that's what it means. Be gentle, be a gentle spirit. That doesn't mean don't be passionate, you should be alive and, but in a humble way. And the third one is נפש שפלה, which means the opposite of greedy. You're not just trying to get stuff all the time. You're satisfied. נפש שפלה. I'm not נפש, part of the soul really means a רצון. נפש and רצון, נפש and desire are connected. So נפש שפלה means I have tempered desire. I'm not desirous, I'm not chasing all the time dopamine and honor and respect and women and money, I'm happy with what I have, I'm happy with נפש שפלה. I don't need a lot. I'm not so needy. One of my favorite words in Hebrew is הסתפקות. הסתפקות from the word מספיק means enoughness. I had enough, I'm okay, I've had enough. You know what? I've had enough food, I don't need food. But it's really tasty, have another schnitzel. I don't, I'm okay. I'm okay, I don't need more money. I have enough money, I'm alright, I don't need more. No, you idiot, if you worked harder you'd get more money. Okay, but I've got enough money, I'd rather spend time with my kids. I'm not chasing more, more, more all the time. You want more, just give me more. I want more drugs, more this, more social media, more respect, more friends, more followers, more, I want more, more, more. Ruach shefala means I'm chill actually, I'm just chill. And this will give you the tzurat ha'adam, you'll just turn up like a calm, present, loving, unselfish mensch. This is what we're going to do. Bilaam was the opposite. Bilaam had the high spirit and Bilaam always wanted more and Bilaam was always looking the bad side. What does it mean to be a Jew, to be a talmid of Avraham Avinu, to be a great person, these three things. I see the good, I'm always looking for the good, and I know there's enough. I'm humble, which means also I'm present and I'm not all about myself and I'm there for other people, truly there for other people, I really care about other people. And I'm not greedy, I'm not chasing all the time, I'm just very, very deeply present. I think the most important thing about being in yeshiva is not religion. Although I think that's very important, I think it's tapping into your tzurat ha'adam to being a man, be a man, show up for yourself. Live your day, think, speak, and act in a way that you can look at yourself in the mirror at the end of the day and say, 'You know what? I'm a man. I actually respect who's looking back at me.' I think I said the other day to a group, maybe even you, would you let your daughter marry someone like you? And some people were like, 'No way, dude!' I was like, 'Fine. You better become the person that you'd want your daughter to marry, or at least you better become the person that that amazing, sweet, holy Jewish woman that you want to marry would want to marry. You be that, just be that person. And then Shabbat is extra. You can't live without Shabbat and tefillin. You have to do that, and tefillin is very important. But if you are keeping Shabbat and saying brachos but you don't have tzurat ha'adam, you don't have gadlus, you don't know who you really are and you're not bringing that into the world, you've got you've got no foundation there. So you've got to work, this is your foundation of everything. Be like Avraham, not like Bilaam. Be'ezrat Hashem, Shabbat.