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Inviting Grief, Intentionally · Infinitely Precious

• 0:00
  Intro: Welcome to the Infinitely Precious Podcast produced by Infinitely Precious LLC. Your host is James Henry. Remember, you are infinitely precious and unconditionally loved for the gift you already are.
• 0:12
  James: Hello beloved, it's me James and it's time for us to talk again here on the Infinitely Precious podcast. Thank you for letting me be your companion. Thanks for being mine on this journey in life, this spiritual journey that is life. This week I wanted to talk a little bit about days and dates. And the reason I want to talk about days and dates is because there are significant ones in our lives particularly in the midst of grief.
• 0:47
  When we lose the people that we love, dates like anniversaries, birthdays, major holidays, the anniversary of death, perhaps the anniversary of the memorial rites or funeral, all become times that bring the memory back, that bring back the grief we feel after having lost someone close to us. And so those days and dates come upon us whether we want them to or not, they will come. And it might be a holiday that you're used to celebrating with the one who's no longer there and suddenly you feel the rush of emotion that the person isn't there to share it. Or you might feel numb inside because it's not the same without the person. So days and dates happen.
• 1:48
  You can, what I want to talk to you about today is ways that you can actually cultivate, even invite grief intentionally into your life at various points so that you can deal with it head on. That you're still going to be surprised by it. It's still going to pop up in moments you least expect. You see something that reminds you of someone or the like. But there are also ways that you can honor the person who's gone by, honor your memories of that person.
• 2:26
  And perhaps in the midst of honoring them, help recognize the grief, receive what it has to offer you, what it's teaching you in that moment, what you're feeling, receive it and let it go. And as you practice that, it's not disrespecting the person who has gone on. It's not even disrespecting their memories. It's the opportunity to recognize that those memories will always be with you. They will rise up and perhaps learn ways that you can release the pain that's associated with them.
• 3:04
  Release the uncertainty that's associated with them. Release the fact that so many people I know when someone dies feel like they have unfinished business with that person and there's not a way to finish it anymore. Or maybe there is. Maybe some ritual, some way of speaking those things aloud, writing a note to the person though they've gone on. These are all ways that we can invite grief and in so doing perhaps find ways to deal with it.
• 3:43
  So when I say intentional, there are always going to be the unwelcome guest of grief in a moment when you're trying to give an important talk somewhere. If you're someone like me who preaches, you might suddenly feel that overwhelm of the feelings that go with that person who would have appreciated what you did or who helped you become who you are to talk about. Or maybe with whom you have some not so good memories. And those come up in those moments. And you will be overwhelmed.
• 4:18
  The unwelcome guest grief comes then. But what if you took the time? What if you sat back and on the day, whatever unique day you choose, you actually sat with the person, sat with the memories intentionally, wrote some of those memories down perhaps or lit a candle or set a story. Part of the reason why this topic is coming up for me is because when you see this or listen to this Infinitely Precious podcast this week, it will be on the day before the first anniversary of the death of my father, just a year ago. And I can anticipate the sadness that will come with that day, the memories of that day, the memories of getting the call in the morning and all those pieces.
• 5:20
  And so this week actually, there's gonna be the regular Infinitely Precious podcast which will drop on Wednesday at its normal time. You're listening to it. And then also a special edition of the Infinitely Precious Podcast will drop on Thursday on a day when I will be remembering my father and perhaps trying to enact some of these rituals that I mentioned to you. The lighting of a candle. Perhaps the telling of the story.
• 5:54
  Perhaps gathering family and friends, people who were close to the person and just sharing your recollections. The good ones as well as the off color ones and the uncomfortable ones. The business you had hoped to finish that is still unfinished. Perhaps if you say it out loud to others, they will talk about their unfinished business too. There are so many ways that we can work through the grief, that we can work through the unfinished business with the person who's gone on, work through the anger that they have left and work through the denial, work through the bargaining, through all the stages of grief.
• 6:41
  You can work through those if you intentionally remember them. And maybe one way to intentionally remember them is to choose the dates that remind you of that person. Perhaps another way is to simply mention that person's name or talk about them even on days that are unassociated with them. As we deal with our grief, as we let it rise in us, as we speak to it, as we let it be healed within us, as we learn to release it and return, We can come to find ways that we will make it through the grief. I say to people and I can say this from firsthand experience especially that initially the grief is exceptionally sharp.
• 7:36
  And over time, the pain of it is slightly less sharp. I don't know that it will ever go away as long as I draw breath. I don't know that it will ever go away but I have noticed in the almost year since dad went on, since dad died, that each time I talk about him, I can do so with a little less pain. It's not dishonoring to him. It is that what was very sharp has become a dull ache, more of a sadness that washes over me.
• 8:25
  Perhaps the same is true for you. Maybe it'll be years. It all depends on the relationship and the length of it. There's no right way to grieve. There's no wrong way to grieve.
• 8:35
  Now, grief lasts for years and years and it's still just as acute as it was when you first began, that may be a time when you want to seek out somebody to maybe help you out. A therapist, grief counselor, someone who can help you because there is such thing as an unhealthy grief that eventually grabs hold of you and paralyzes you. But I'm talking about if you're looking at it four or five, six years down the road or perhaps not that long but pretty close long term grief. We all experience grief. It's real.
• 9:15
  It doesn't make you a better person that you pretend like it doesn't bother you. It doesn't make you a worse person that it doesn't that you pretend like it doesn't bother you. It doesn't make you a better or worse person because you're very demonstrative and you want to talk about that person a lot. No matter what, grief happens at its own pace. Grief comes when it chooses to.
• 9:42
  So what would it look like if you put some dates on your calendar? Dates that matter, perhaps, like for me, this coming Thursday, April 23, is the anniversary of his death, of dad's death. What will it look like on that day to intentionally set aside some time to think about, talk about, write about, light a candle in memory of him? What would it do? How would it shape that day?
• 10:16
  Might it help me with each opportunity to speak about, to be open about the grief that's going on inside of me, to find more healing from that grief. I don't know where you are on your grief journey. Everybody finds themselves in different places. Maybe you're not really strongly grieving now. The last person that you lost was years ago or the person that you lost most recently was someone you cared about but not deeply.
• 10:46
  As I say, it's not right. It's not wrong. The strength of the grief that washes over you or doesn't even quite wash over you just rises and falls more like an ebb and a tide. The ebb and rush of the tide. So grieving is a part of life.
• 11:13
  Losing people, losing relationships that matter to us are a part of life. Perhaps one way to deal with that is to take it seriously and to invite it in, to be intentional with your practice of grief. You'll have unintentional moments when it rises because it rose, but you'll also have moments. You'll also have moments when perhaps you want to really remember the person. And they're both part of being alive.
• 11:52
  Just an invitation to you today. Remember, no matter how you're dealing with your grief, where you are on that journey, whether you're not grieving at all, you are infinitely precious. You are unconditionally loved for the gift you already are. So if this helped, share it with somebody who might be grieving themselves. If it didn't help, then I guess wait for the next one.
• 12:19
  In any case, it's been good to be with you. Thanks for being my companion on this journey.