Latest / A Hamster With a Blunt Penknife - a Doctor Who Commentary podcast / Target Book Club - Recordings of the Day - Part Two: Robert Shearman, John Grindrod, Nev Fountain & Paul Quinn

Transcript

Target Book Club - Recordings of the Day - Part Two: Robert Shearman, John Grindrod, Nev Fountain & Paul Quinn · A Hamster With a Blunt Penknife - a Doctor Who Commentary podcast

1:07
Hello, is that yes that seems to work.
1:09
I've written 2 new Doctor Who books and I was very surprised
1:14
by that as well. I had no intention of doing so.
1:17
It was odd. A few years ago I wrote the
1:18
novelisation of Dalek and I really enjoyed it.
1:22
It was like a a genuine childhood dream to do that.
1:25
But when I delivered it, I felt also this strange sadness
1:29
because I knew it would be my only one, only having written
1:31
the one TV episode. And then last summer I got an
1:35
e-mail from BBC Books which said are you aware that 25 years ago
1:40
you wrote some big Finnish audios?
1:42
And I was aware and they said would you like to write 1 as a
1:48
book? And they said, how about
1:50
Jubilee? And I said I'm a bit concerned
1:54
about that because in part it's the same starting point as
1:57
Derek, and I've just done that one for you.
2:00
And also it's very, very dark. And Steve Cole, my editor, wrote
2:05
to me in an e-mail, which I still treasure.
2:07
If we do it, we must be very, very careful of all the
2:10
decapitation and the mutilation of dwarves.
2:14
And so I suggested we try and stay chimes at midnight.
2:18
And the BBC went back and said why not do both?
2:21
So I wrote both and I did take all the mutilations out of
2:25
Jubilee and I put them in chimes at midnight.
2:30
So chimes is set at set at Christmas.
2:34
So if you could imagine, just to get the atmosphere right, that
2:37
it's not been raining, but it's been snowing, and that James
2:40
Garcia's Santa Claus and we can get on, the Turkey was dead to
2:47
begin with, there is no doubt whatever about that.
2:54
Mrs. Baddeley had fetched it from the butcher's shop and been
2:57
led to the back of the shop where it was waiting for her.
3:00
It was hung up high by its neck, and its eyes seemed to boggle at
3:04
her in surprise. But for all that Mrs. Baddley
3:08
had thought it was a very dead sort of boggling, there was no
3:12
hint of life to it at all. I've got an extra specially big
3:16
one for you this year. Missus Varnum had said, and
3:19
beamed at her. I'm sure the house will enjoy
3:21
it. And Missus Baddery had readily
3:23
agreed, and thanked her as if Missus Varnum had reared the
3:27
Turkey for her. Quite specifically, Missus
3:30
Baddery liked Missus Varnum, and she fancied Missus Varnum liked
3:34
Missus Baddery back. They didn't know each other.
3:37
Missus Baddery wasn't very good at that sort of thing, but there
3:40
was a sort of mutual respect. Both of them spent their lives
3:45
around food. Misses Varnum taking the
3:48
carcasses and gutting them and displaying them in her shop
3:51
window, Misses Baddie buying the carcasses and turning all that
3:56
death into something people would want to eat.
4:01
Misses Varnum was a big woman with sparkling eyes and rosy
4:04
cheeks and always looked ready to laugh.
4:07
Misses Baddie, too, was a big woman.
4:09
She felt it important that a cook should be fat.
4:12
You had to demonstrate how much you appreciated your meat.
4:16
But her eyes, in contrast, were like dull pebbles and her cheeks
4:21
were sallow, and she wasn't sure she'd found anything to laugh at
4:25
in years. She'd put the dead Turkey in her
4:29
shopping bag, wished Mrs. Varnum a happy holiday, and then left.
4:34
She took the omnibus back to the house, and she let the Turkey's
4:37
head stick out of the bag. Its sightless eyes stared out of
4:41
the window at a London Christmas, all fairy lights and
4:45
snow speckled streets and pedestrians out shopping for
4:49
turkeys of their own. It was as if the Turkey was
4:52
taking one long last look at the world.
4:57
Then Missus Baddeley had let herself into the house by the
5:00
tradesman's entrance, gone straight to the kitchen, laid
5:02
the Turkey out on the table and chopped its head off.
5:06
She then plucked all the remaining feathers and pulled
5:08
out its innards and fat for good measure.
5:11
Yes, it was quite definitely dead.
5:14
And yet Missus Baddeley found it hard to shake the idea that she
5:19
was not alone in the kitchen, that there was a presence
5:24
somehow, and the presence was that bird.
5:30
She wondered whether it was her imagination running wild, but on
5:34
balance, she thought that was unlikely.
5:36
She didn't have much of an imagination to speak of.
5:39
Sometimes, she knew, the odd lone Fort might stray into her
5:43
brain accidentally, but finding nothing there but hard ground,
5:47
it would soon wither and die. Her late husband, Mr. Baddeley,
5:52
had told her that the inside of her head was like thick stodge.
5:57
She hadn't liked much of what Mr. Baddeley had had to say, but
6:00
in this case it was hard for her to disagree.
6:02
Her brain was perfectly suited to the task of running a kitchen
6:06
and preparing meals, but not for silly imaginings.
6:11
And it was certainly silly to think that the Turkey was
6:14
looking at her. It had no eyes to see her with.
6:18
They were with the rest of the head in the bin for scraps.
6:21
She got a sudden idea that she should raise the lid and check,
6:25
but then she recoiled. She wasn't going to do that.
6:28
She mustn't do that. She didn't want those eyes
6:31
anywhere near her. She glared at the Turkey.
6:35
It seemed impudently enough to glare right back.
6:40
And then it quivered. There was movement, definite
6:45
movement, and in spite of herself, Missus Badrey edged a
6:49
little closer to peer at it, and it seemed to thrill to her
6:52
proximity. It gave a little shudder.
6:55
You just stopped that, she told the Turkey.
6:58
And she stabbed it a couple of times with a carving knife for
7:01
good measure that appeared to stop its games.
7:04
That's Kuche Goose do, pardon the pun.
7:07
And Mrs. Baddeley turned her attention to the vegetables.
7:10
Carrots and onions and parsnips to be chopped, Potatoes to be
7:14
peeled. Christmas Day would be here at
7:16
midnight, and she was in no way ready for it yet.
7:20
She'd chop away, slice and cut, and every little while she'd
7:24
risk another glance at the big table where the Turkey still SAT
7:29
holding court over the entire room like it was the Gentry and
7:33
she was its servant. I've had enough of this, said
7:37
Missus Baddry at last. I've had enough of you.
7:40
She got out a baking tray, the largest she had.
7:44
She picked up the Turkey and set it down upon it.
7:47
She didn't like to touch the Turkey.
7:49
The meat felt crammy somehow. Her fingers revolted at it.
7:55
It was absurd. She'd spent her lifetime
7:58
touching meats both raw and cooked, and it was good to feel
8:01
a little juice in the skin. That was where the flavour was.
8:05
Why did it appall her so much now?
8:09
Because it's dead, something told her in her head.
8:13
Not just dead, it's death itself.
8:17
It's the most dead thing you've ever seen.
8:20
And yet still, Still, it's not quite dead enough.
8:28
It didn't quite fit on the baking tray.
8:30
One of its legs popped over the side gingerly between forefinger
8:34
and thumb. Missus Baddeley picked up the
8:37
recalcitrant leg and manoeuvred it back into position.
8:40
As she did so, the other leg popped out the opposite side.
8:44
When she tried to correct it and subdue the offending limb, the
8:47
original leg popped out just as before.
8:50
It was mocking her, she knew, staring up at her without eyes,
8:55
laughing at her, without her mouth stuffed full of sage and
8:59
onion and chestnut and apple and God alone knew what else.
9:02
Besides, Mrs. Battery gritted her teeth and with one hand took
9:07
hold of 1 Turkey leg, and with her other hand took hold of the
9:10
other and crammed them both into the confines of the baking tray.
9:14
She was forthright and allowed no chance for a protest.
9:18
And then she carried it over to the oven, all but threw it
9:21
inside and slammed the hard metal door shut.
9:27
Misses Baddie returned to her vegetables, to the little sweet
9:31
meats and the plum pudding that was cooling on the stove, and
9:35
every so often she would go over to the oven and open the door
9:40
and stare at the Turkey within, roasting away.
9:44
Missus Baddeley was not a kind woman.
9:47
Her heart was cold and starved of sentiment, but she was not a
9:52
cruel woman either. And yet still she hoped that the
9:57
Turkey was suffering. And that was how Missus Baddeley
10:02
spent her Christmas Eve that night before all the deaths
10:07
began. So Next up.
10:32
Is I? How would I describe you?
10:35
Urban explorer. Psychogeographer.
10:37
Anyway, he's going to John Grangrad is going to talk about
10:41
target blurbs. It's 1978, you're just back from
11:00
a long lunch with Ian Martyr, and you're returning to the
11:03
Target office. A little the worse for wear.
11:06
What's on your desk? It's the page proofs the Terence
11:09
Dixie's Doctor Who, Death to the Daleks, which you've been
11:12
marking up. A spectacular painting of an
11:15
Exploding Dalek by Roy Knight sits on some grease proof paper
11:19
waiting to be handed over to the production department.
11:22
But now to the really tricky bit.
11:25
How do you write some original back cover copy for this?
11:28
The 5th. Dalek novel published by Target
11:31
and Terence Dixie's 427. Good evening.
11:37
I'm John Gridrod. I'm a writer, and for 25 years I
11:40
also worked in marketing for publishing companies Harper
11:44
Collins and Faber. Over that time I helped with
11:48
cover copy of everything from PD James's Dalglish books to a DIY
11:53
manual for Tommy Walsh. Writing cover copy is one of
11:57
those jobs that no one in publishing seems to like, but I
12:00
really loved it. I was always a big reader.
12:04
The three books I think I've read most would be Doctor Who
12:10
and the Web Affair by Terence Dix, Doctor Who and the
12:13
Nightmare of Eden by Terence Dix and Generation X, Terence and
12:18
Accelerated Culture by Douglas Copeland in Generation X1 of the
12:22
chapter titles. Helpfully is, although of
12:28
course, by the time I read this, I knew by then that I absolutely
12:32
was. And that's what cover copy is.
12:35
It's marketing. The front may get you to pick it
12:38
up, but it's the back cover that really involves you that tells
12:42
you that this, the whole target range, is the one for you, or at
12:46
least the one for you right now. So today I'm going to take you
12:50
through our favorite backlist and offer a master class in
12:55
writing the perfect target cover copy for our keen target editor.
13:00
Each blurb is a small masterpiece of marketing,
13:04
storytelling and random capitalisation, so you should
13:11
start your copy with something gripping, intriguing and
13:14
surprising. A single blow from the giant
13:19
hairy paw smashes the explorer to the ground.
13:22
God, I love that all is not well at the Wendy Moore Underground
13:30
Atomic Research Station. There are unaccountable losses
13:33
of power output, nervous breakdowns among the staff and
13:37
then a death. God.
13:39
They sound so delighted by that death.
13:41
Of course, The Cave monsters copy is more infamous for its
13:46
extraordinary blooper, a 40 foot high Tyrannosaurus Rex, the
13:50
biggest, most savage mammal which ever trod the earth.
13:52
They were talk careful with Malcolm's other books, right?
13:57
I mean, they really had to make up, you know, make a lot more
14:02
effort with them after that, right?
14:06
I mean, this is the Green Death. I mean, it's not The New Yorker.
14:17
You are allowed to be nice about your own bloody book.
14:21
How about the dinosaur invasion, which we heard a lot about this
14:24
morning? That's got to be exciting.
14:26
At this point you've got to be thinking, Target, what's your
14:37
problem? Did Malcolm Hulk reverse over
14:41
the office dog? Well, what happened there?
14:45
Questions are always a really good way to start.
14:49
Why is Doctor Who suddenly summoned to the shores of Loch
14:53
Ness, for example, the Doctor and Sarah arrive safely back on
14:59
Earth. Or do they?
15:01
Intriguing, because it's really great marketing.
15:04
Because I think it's the Android invasion.
15:07
And another approach is to start with a short extra.
15:14
I have a feeling this wasn't at Junior Doctor Who.
15:17
Andy Jairu. The Fendal is Death, said the
15:22
doctor. How do you kill Death itself?
15:25
A suitably short blurb for for this one.
15:28
Also, daring use of italics, and we haven't seen many of those
15:31
yet, have we? But not as daring as this on the
15:36
Ice Warriors now that italic hand down the bottom is even in
15:41
a different weight. It's so potent that italic and
15:46
that it's probably got its own subreddit or possibly even a Big
15:50
Finish spin. So I alluded to random
15:55
capitalisation earlier, and it's an absolute staple of the 1970s
15:59
books, where there seem to be an aversion to italics and in
16:02
desire instead to shout names and phrases at you seemingly at
16:06
random. Look at this from the doomsday
16:11
weapon. Or should I say the Doomsday
16:13
weapon? Sure, the caps and the frequent
16:16
exclamation marks make it look a bit like a tweet from Donald
16:19
Trump. The great thing about these
16:22
early ones is the copy line at the bottom.
16:24
A target adventure. Not only is this a tie in book,
16:29
this says, but it's a cracking read, a ripping yarn.
16:32
And it's a book to get kids into reading, to make you feel like
16:36
you're going to get something reliably exciting every time.
16:40
And it's a target adventure. Not a Doctor Who adventure.
16:43
A target adventure. This is about the books, the
16:47
writing, the publisher branding themselves alongside the TV
16:50
series and adding something extra.
16:55
Genesis of the Daleks has got a cracking opener.
16:58
The Place Scaro tie, Birth of the Daleks.
17:02
We're in movie tie in territory here.
17:05
Bold, confidence, Punchy. And talking of punchy, what
17:08
about them caps? Davros Dalek Exterminate Doctor
17:13
Who and he's still being Doctor Who in caps right up until the
17:18
publication of The Mutants in 1977, which is ironic given the
17:22
spine of that one. So we've got a bit of big caps
17:27
energy here from the 10th Planet and what you capitalise on these
17:32
books is really important because it's the bit that your
17:35
eye goes to 1st, like here, the invisible enemy.
17:42
It could only be, of course, Planet of the Daleks, but how
17:49
long should a target blurb be? Well, I'd say that this one, The
17:54
Pyramids of Mars, is a perfect length. 2 Paras intro, bit of
17:58
plot, cliffhangers, Bosch. Job done.
18:02
This one for the Keys of Mariners is the most
18:06
experimental. A kinetic lava lamp of a blurb.
18:09
Everything blurring into everything else as if a void, a
18:14
spiketizer at the longest copy on the original.
18:20
I know actual gasps. It's the face of evil. 160
18:26
words. I mean, that's almost as long as
18:27
the manuscript of Image of the Fendile.
18:31
Talking of which, copy for that one comes in at just 63 words.
18:36
Brain of Morbius 61, The Crusaders 44 And as we heard
18:42
earlier that, you know, that's virtually just I heart Barbara
18:45
in caps. There's a fair bit of set up to
18:50
get through on some of the early targets.
18:53
This first sentence alone on the Auton invasion is 60 words,
18:56
which is longer than the entire copy on the clause of axles.
19:01
But the interesting thing here is not the Dickensian
19:04
punctuation, it's the it's those fellows at the bottom, the press
19:08
quotes. Now, anyone who's ever written
19:10
cover copy for a series of books knows you realise pretty soon
19:14
you won't have enough quotes to keep going.
19:16
So you drop it, Which, commendably, Target did almost
19:19
immediately. And occasionally, though, it
19:22
does make a comeback. Here's the invasion of time.
19:26
Well, what's this one doing? Well, copy always has a number
19:30
of different audiences. This is for the librarians and
19:33
booksellers who were stocking them and parents who were buying
19:36
them as presents, reassuring the adults that these books are well
19:40
written, fun adventure stories to help children get into
19:44
reading. So it's 1980 and we're
19:49
publishing the Key to Time 6 loosely linked stories that that
19:54
provide quite the challenge to a publishing house not terribly
19:59
used to caring much about chronology.
20:02
But there are ways to do this. Let's look at The Androids of
20:04
Tara. There at the bottom is an extra
20:07
piece of text. The Androids of Tara is a novel
20:10
in the Key to Sign sequence read The Ribos Rebos Operation Stands
20:14
of Blood, available now, which is great.
20:16
Really really helpful. Similarly on the Armageddon
20:20
Factor and the Reeboks operation, the key book that
20:23
sets up the whole 6 Storey sequence.
20:25
Well that blurbs absolutely the most crucial 1, isn't it?
20:29
I mean, you don't want to mess that one up.
20:34
I mean of course the idea was bugging up a bit more
20:36
comprehensively by The Pirate Planet not being published for
20:39
37 years, but Even so. Come on Target, fight the chaos.
20:44
Don't let the Black Guardian win, loves.
20:48
So we've got a strong intro, some random caps, some branding,
20:52
some quotes. We've insulted Malcolm Hulk, all
20:55
the key moves. But time moves on.
20:59
It's 1983. You've just been to a Panini bar
21:03
with Barbara Clegg. Now you're back at your desk in
21:06
the Target office. Oh look, the beautiful artwork
21:09
arc of Infinity has been delivered.
21:12
We can all agree that this story needs a bit of help and so to
21:17
the copyrighters craft. When the Doctor returns to
21:23
Gallifrey he learns that his bio data extract has been stolen
21:28
from the Time Lords master computer known as the Matrix.
21:33
The bio data extract is a detailed description of the
21:37
Doctor's molecular. Structure.
21:39
And this information in the wrong hands could be exploited
21:43
with disastrous effect. The Gallifrey and High Council
21:48
believe that antimatter will be importated into the universe as
21:52
a result of the theft. In order to render the
21:54
information uses, they decide the Doctor must die.
21:58
I mean, it's an amazing sequence of non sequiturs if nothing
22:02
else. Feels slightly like trying to
22:04
explain financial account accounting software to a dog.
22:11
This is partly because, as the series went on, the blurbs
22:14
became noticeably less dramatic. The watchword had once been to
22:18
keep them snappy and hooking you in with menace and unexpected
22:22
suspense. But now Tegan, the young air
22:27
Hostess who quite unintentionally became a member
22:29
of the TARDIS crew, wants to return to her own time.
22:32
But when the Doctor tried to take her back to Heathrow
22:34
Airport in the 20th century, the TARDIS lands instead on the
22:38
outskirts of 17th century London.
22:40
So forget the alien lizards and the the androids and lasers.
22:44
It's now reading a bit more like a soap than sci-fi.
22:48
And it's the by the 80s, these are no longer a target
22:51
adventure. But that's not a mistake, it's a
22:54
deliberate ploy. These are geeky, they're
22:57
factual, they're grown up, and they're not for school libraries
23:00
or casual children's reads. They're for fans.
23:04
That's now the target market. And so the blurbs evolve to fit.
23:10
But let's go back to 1978. You're pondering how you might
23:15
write the copy for Death to the Daleks.
23:16
And then inspiration hits you. Before you know it, you've
23:20
written the finest Target book blurb of them all.
23:24
It was no doubt written by then editor Brenda Gardner.
23:27
All of it's brilliant. But that final paragraph, as the
23:31
young people say. Slaps.
23:34
What terrifying power makes captives of all who come to the
23:37
planet? What is the secret of the
23:38
mysterious deserted city with its great flashing beacon?
23:42
And what sinister plan has brought the Daleks to Exelon?
23:44
The Doctor and Sarah must risk their lives time and again in a
23:48
desperate attempt to foil the Daleks and save millions of
23:52
humans from the horrific plague. And if that doesn't make you
23:56
want to rush screaming to the tale in WH Smith and virtually
24:00
throw your pocket money in the shop assistant's face, then
24:04
perhaps a Target adventure. It's not for you.
24:07
Thank you. There are many liars in the
24:33
world of Target books. Neve Neve Malcolm Hulk whispers
24:39
in my ear while I read The Cave Monsters at the age of 7.
24:42
This is what you'll find in Doctor Who and the Silurians.
24:46
Miss Dawson is a very sympathetic personality with
24:48
repressed emotions and unrequited love for Doctor Quinn
24:52
and those monsters. They are sophisticated
24:54
individuals with their own names, characters and incredible
24:58
backstories. And then, as I read the Auton
25:00
invasion, Uncle Terence joins in murmuring.
25:04
Look at this wonderful comic rivalry between Doctor Henderson
25:07
and Doctor Lomax. Doesn't it bring the characters
25:11
of the staff in the Cottage hospital alive?
25:13
You'll love it when you watch Spearhead from space.
25:17
And like a fool, I believe them. They all lied to us.
25:22
But these are in the nursery compared to Alan Willow, Daleks,
25:26
Sontar and Cyberman. They're in the nursery who
25:29
illustrated 7 Target books with his lovely pictures.
25:32
Alan. Alan Willow has produced lies
25:35
that would have Baron Munchausen blushing down to his very
25:38
toenails. Alan Willow sits on a throne of
25:41
lies. A throne which he drew to look
25:45
much more impressive from the throne in the television
25:49
broadcast. Alan Willow is a man who more
25:52
than any other, glamorized those Doctor Who stories and who
25:55
contributed to that phenomenon. I call Chroma Key on We, which
25:59
describes the moment we sit in front of our video players
26:02
expecting a spectacular adventure in the dystopian
26:05
future with deep, rounded characters and instead get
26:08
colony in space. Here is one example of Alan
26:13
Willow's lies. I've watched the Sea Devils many
26:19
times over and I've never found that moment where Angela
26:22
Lansbury and Robin Asquith have a tense meeting with Yasser
26:28
Arafat. Thanks, Alan.
26:31
Well, I my childhood was ruined. I was a huge fan of Yasser
26:36
Arafat when I was 7. Here's another one.
26:41
As you know this is Torbus's encounter with Agador at the
26:43
start of The Curse of Peloton. What Alan Willer told us was
26:46
going to happen was an epic fight with a Jason Statham style
26:50
muscle hero struggling to the death with a 10 foot monster.
26:54
What we got was an old bearded man dancing with a furry.
26:59
And this one, this is where Alan starts to make it up as he goes
27:03
along. This policeman is an autumn and
27:07
this policeman is an autumn. This Auton is surprised this
27:12
other person is an Auton. How does that work?
27:18
I've wondered about it for years.
27:20
What's going through his mind as the doctor peels away his
27:24
colleagues face. Oh my God, Bob's an Auton like
27:27
me. Not you too, Bob.
27:31
If only I'd known we'd have so much in common and we never
27:35
knew. If only I'd come out to him
27:37
during those lonely night patrols, we could have fused our
27:40
polymers instead of talking about the snooker.
27:43
Or did this oughton only realise he was an oughton that very
27:46
moment? Was he looking at him, thinking,
27:48
wow, Bob's a faceless alien monster?
27:50
I've been to his house, I've drunk his whiskey, I've flirted
27:53
with his wife. How could I have not noticed?
27:55
I'm a policeman. I should have suspected when he
27:58
shot those gypsies with that gun hidden inside his right hand.
28:02
Wait a minute, he's got a gun inside his right hand because I
28:05
can't pick up anything with my right hand because my fingers
28:07
are welded together. I've never thought about it till
28:10
now. And this one, the devil doll
28:15
from the Terror of the Autumns. Now this was quite a
28:17
disappointment when I finally watched it.
28:19
This is the devil doll's photo on Tinder.
28:22
This. This is who turns up at the
28:27
restaurant after you've arranged the day.
28:31
This sexy dude here with the gleaming teeth becomes this guy
28:35
overweight, with the glassy eyes and the unshaven bristles around
28:37
his mouth. Yes, Alan Willow weaved his own
28:40
world of fiction in the Target books.
28:43
Quite definitely a better, more exciting world than the
28:46
television series. He deserves his own Doctor Who
28:48
story inspired by his works, and fortunately, I have done exactly
28:53
that. We open on the Happy Pagoda
28:56
restaurant on Fulham Broadway. Hipsters are attacking the
28:59
restaurant leaving a trail of devastation in their wake.
29:05
Unit is unit is at a loss as to why this is happening.
29:08
Hipsters are always peaceful, gentle creatures.
29:11
Why did they suddenly turn violent?
29:13
Is it because hipsters don't like restaurants which use
29:15
plates? Or are hipsters just jealous of
29:17
restaurants generally because restaurants serve proper food
29:20
and not baked beans in flower pots and vases of cocoa pots.
29:24
But with the help of the Chinese restaurant staff, the doctor
29:26
managed to use some craft beer to lure a hipster into a trap.
29:30
He captures one to find out what motivates it.
29:33
Thankfully, the hipsters are on the side of the good guys in
29:36
their Ponzi boutique cafes. They have noticed that their
29:38
artisanal sausages have been wriggling on their serving
29:41
tiles. And this means one thing.
29:43
The deliverooon are on earth. The Deliverooon are a hideous
29:47
Ellen Gestalt, part crab stick, part ready Squibb, part Nando's.
29:51
They can manipulate any form of take away food and bring it to
29:54
life, and they will use this ability in order to conquer the
29:58
earth. While the doctor is taking in
30:00
the shocking news, the Deliveroo are already at work.
30:03
They render the armed forces of the world helpless to to combat
30:06
the Deliveroo. A short blast from their takeout
30:09
ray causes the soldiers to do the Pizza Hut, Pizza Hut,
30:12
Kentucky Fried Chicken, and a Pizza Darts until they lose
30:15
consciousness. After that, the first wave of
30:18
malignant takeaways begins. The Doctors faithful assistant
30:22
Joe gets attacked by vicious Kung poking prawns.
30:25
Sergeant Benton is at the window, but he's unable to
30:28
interfere as he is in the middle of doing the Pizza Hut pizza,
30:30
Kentucky Fried Chicken, and a pizza dance.
30:33
The Doctor rescues Joe, but the Kung poking prawns pursue them
30:36
down to the cellar at the Chinese restaurant.
30:39
Using his trademark ingenuity, the Doctor fashions a giant
30:42
chopstick so he can eat them and render them harmless.
30:45
The Doctor says the danger has passed.
30:47
But even as he speaks in the cellar of the Italian Bistro
30:50
next door, an engineer called Fred Victim has been sent to
30:54
mend the boiler. He finds a sinister ooze and
30:57
touches it. He realises, only too late that
30:59
it's deadly pasta sauce. What's more, Joe is placed into
31:03
danger. She finds herself being
31:05
strangled by stuffed Italian vine leaves.
31:08
And this time the Deliveroo are ready for the Doctor.
31:11
They spend. They send spaghetti through the
31:12
telephone line to tie him up. Fred Victim, the man who has was
31:17
contaminated with the pasta sauce, is now in the process of
31:20
being fully transformed into a bowl of tagliatelli under the
31:26
control of the delivery room. He holds the doctor with his
31:29
army of breadstick wielding hench men.
31:31
Fortunately for the Doctor, they have made a crucial mistake.
31:34
In a case of mistaken identity. They have captured Albert Finney
31:36
instead, or Patrick Murr with a Deliveroo in a distracted
31:44
torturing Albert Finney or Patrick MOA, the Doctor Who
31:46
rescues Joe and explore the cellar.
31:48
They plunge deeper into the darkness and open a door.
31:52
They find themselves in a huge chamber full of strange beings.
31:56
Who are they? Said Joe.
31:57
In an innocent yet sexy way. My dear Joe, patronize the
32:01
Doctor. Don't you recognize them?
32:03
They're all the creatures behind the ranges of tins and packets
32:05
you find in your kitchen. It's Captain Bird's Eye, the
32:09
Smash Martian, and that chat there with the One Eye, that's
32:12
the one eyed monster of the pickled onion Monster Munch.
32:15
What are they doing here? Asked Joe as she continued being
32:17
innocent and sexy. I would have thought that was
32:19
obvious Joe. Said the Doctor, continuing his
32:21
patronisation. They've lured the delivery room
32:24
to Earth. They want everyone too scared to
32:26
order takeaways, so the population of Earth will be
32:28
forced to eat fish fingers, Mashed potato and crisps.
32:32
Captain Birdseye smiled coldly. Exactly, Doctor.
32:35
Soon everyone will be back eating packet fruit from the
32:37
supermarket, just as it was always meant to be.
32:41
The Doctor tells Captain Birdsey he will defeat the delivery
32:43
room. But Captain Birdseye has other
32:45
plans, other plans. He summons the Jolly Green Giant
32:49
in the sacred in the sacred Chamber of Tony the Tiger and
32:53
tasks him to defeat the Doctor in a combat in the traditional
32:56
way, fighting only with the free gifts given away in cereal
32:59
boxes. When the combat begins, the
33:01
Doctor immediately launches into his Venusian Aikido and his feet
33:05
slam into the Green Giant, sweet corn and two beds.
33:08
With a final gasp of ho Ho Ho, the Jolly Green Giant sinks to
33:11
the floor and in the confusion, the Doctor traps them all in a
33:14
time loop where they will forever be eaten by children
33:17
wearing tank tops, tank tops and riding chopper bikes.
33:21
Once back at the UNIT HQ, the Doctor devises a plan to defeat
33:24
the Deliveroo. He disguises himself as a pepper
33:27
grinder and delivers himself to the delivery room base.
33:31
Once inside, the Doctor barely escaped with his life after
33:34
encountering an aggressive turtle soup, but he gets into
33:37
their computer and orders a chicken korma and poppadoms at a
33:40
nearby radio telescope. The delivery room cannot resist
33:43
bringing the food personally, and once there, the Doctor
33:46
reverses the polarity of the neutron flow and the delivery
33:49
room is cast out into deep space where the pizzas always arrive
33:52
stone cold. But there's a final problem.
33:55
Everyone is still doing the Pizza Hut, Pizza Hut, Kentucky
33:57
Fried Chicken, and the Pizza Hut Darts.
33:59
Fortunately, they locate the relay device, which is in the
34:01
form of a pile of pork balls. Luckily, Mick Jagger is on hand
34:09
to destroy the final relay device, a pile of pork balls.
34:13
And that's the end. Joe scares Sergeant Benton with
34:18
a plate of fish and chips and they all laugh goodbye.
34:38
Our next talk sadly requires a trigger warning. 4 Ephebophilia
34:44
Incest General Ick please Welcome to the stage Doctor Paul
34:51
Quinn. When the Reverend Ernest
35:07
Matthews mistakes the Doctor for Josiah Samuel Smith, the Dean of
35:11
Malthouse College declares, I see that all the rumours about
35:15
you are true. We initially assume that rumours
35:18
refers to Smith's blasphemous theories.
35:20
However, the rest of Ernest Matthew's speech raises an
35:23
intriguing possibility. Matthews tells the doctor You
35:27
have no shred of decency, even parading your shameless wantons
35:30
in front of your guests. This is, of course, a reference
35:33
to Ace, described through free indirect discourse as a creature
35:37
who, without the slightest decorum, was dressed in what
35:40
appeared to be reefest of undergarments.
35:43
This is partly a repetition of Reefers Fen Cooper's earlier
35:46
reaction to Ace's clothes, and it's a way of reminding the
35:49
reader of Victorian ideas around propriety and modesty, but it
35:53
also introduces the idea of sex and suggests that the rumours
35:56
about Josiah may also allude to something sexual.
36:00
The novel of Ghost Light extends the potential for this reading,
36:03
with Mark Platt adding significant moments which
36:05
established the idea that Ghost Light contains A disturbing
36:08
portrait of E hebophilia, sexual attraction to late adolescence,
36:12
so 15 to 19 year olds, and it seems to portray a corruptive,
36:16
coercive sexual relationship. The victim is Gwendolyn.
36:20
The novel is clear. Gwendolyn is a young lady of no
36:23
more than 18. The novel can be specific in a
36:25
way the television version could not.
36:28
We assume Gwendolyn is meant to be the same age as Ace, but I'm
36:31
not sure Katherine Schleisinger convinces an 18 year old any
36:34
more than Sophie Aldred. Please.
36:37
No more than 18 places Gwendolyn firmly in the E ebiphilic range,
36:41
but she's also above the age of consent in 1883, the year in
36:45
which Ghost Light is set. She's in a liminal state between
36:48
childhood and adulthood, a figure of nascent sexuality
36:52
which causes concern in fairy tales like Red Riding Hood and
36:56
Anderson's The Red Shoes and The Chronicles of Narnia.
36:59
Throughout Ghost Light, Platt encodes Gwendolyn as a sexual
37:02
being and an object of male desire, but her sexual partner
37:06
is Uncle Josiah. This is a pseudo incestuous
37:09
relationship, but more importantly and more
37:11
disturbingly, the relationship is coercive and corrupting,
37:15
inflicted by Josiah on his hypnotized victim.
37:18
Little wonder that Gwendolyn describes herself as lost, so
37:21
lost and alone. The lost goal motif may remind
37:25
us of Alan Moore's problematic work on the sex lives of Wendy
37:27
Darling, Alice and Dorothy Gale, two of whom have clear
37:31
connections to Ace. But Ace stands as a sexless
37:34
contrast to Gwendolyn as part of its place within the fairy tale
37:37
tradition. Doctor Who companions are
37:39
celibate and Virginia. In most instances, the
37:42
appearance of sexual desire marks the end of the adventure
37:45
for the companions. They must leave the TARDIS and
37:48
grow up. Gwendolyn is simultaneously a
37:51
grown up figured by sexual activity and a child.
37:55
This double nature explains the attraction of Ernest Matthews.
37:58
Lurking behind this vision of an Anglican cleric with some type
38:01
of attraction to a figure who is part child, part woman are the
38:04
rumours about Charles Dodgson. The E ebafilia of Ghost Light is
38:08
another example of the influence of Lewis Carroll on the text,
38:11
Even if biographical work subsequent to the publication of
38:14
Platt's novel has challenged the dominant idea that Carroll was
38:17
attracted to Alice, Little and other children.
38:20
From very early in the novel, it's hinted that Gwendolyn is
38:23
not the stereotypical Virginia or Victorian young lady.
38:26
Throughout the novel, she is referred to as an Angel,
38:28
particularly in relation to Ernest Matthews.
38:31
The novel is fascinating because it gives us access to Matthew's
38:33
thought processes. This is how we know he is on
38:36
some level attracted to Gwendolyn.
38:39
He certainly constructs for in a particular way, returning on
38:42
several occasions to the figure of the Angel.
38:45
While waiting to confront Josiah, Matthews sees some
38:48
photographs on the pianoforte. He recognises a young girl whose
38:52
large haunted eyes gaze from the sepia print, eyes which he knew
38:56
to be the colour of sapphire. Through Platt's use of
38:59
interiority, we learn of a previous near encounter between
39:01
the Oxford cleric and the rogue naturalist.
39:05
Matthews recalls being taken to see Verdes Aida at Covent
39:08
Garden. Predictably, the puritanical
39:11
Matthews disliked the performance.
39:13
He describes it as shamelessly decadent.
39:16
We may want to give some thoughts how decadent is being
39:18
used here, or to think about decadence in terms of the late
39:20
19th century. We're told he'd been intrigued
39:24
by a young girl in the box opposite.
39:26
She sat so still that she looked like a statue of pale skin and
39:29
eyes, which even at a distance were of a piercing blue.
39:32
Behind her, in the shadows at the rear of the box, was a dark
39:36
figure which emerged only as the house lights dimmed.
39:39
It hovered at the girl's shoulder during the performance,
39:42
but withdrew when the lights rose between the axe.
39:45
Matthews discovers the girl's name is Gwendolyn.
39:48
He becomes fixated on her. She seems to represent a point
39:52
of luminosity in surrounding gloom with desire lurking in the
39:56
darkness. Matthews returns from his
39:58
reverie, seeing the image of this sweet child in the
40:01
photographs. This picture prompts a strange
40:03
reaction in Matthews, we are told.
40:05
His righteous temper freshly fuelled, Ernest sought out the
40:09
servant's bell and began to ring for immediate attention.
40:12
The implication is that seeing the photo and the recollection
40:15
it sparks of Gwendolyn menacing the shadows by Josiah prompts
40:19
Matthew's temper. The book therefore gives
40:22
Matthews another reason to confront Josiah to save the
40:25
angelic Gwendolyn. Later in the novel, Gwendolyn
40:28
breaks down while in her bedroom with Ace and declares, the
40:30
Reverend Ernest Matthews told me if I stay in this house, my soul
40:33
will be consigned for eternal damnation.
40:36
Matthews is acute enough to identify the threat posed by
40:38
Josiah to Gwendolyn. The mention of the soul and
40:41
eternal damnation refers to both Josiah's heretical beliefs and a
40:45
contemporary Christian response to unmarried sex.
40:48
But Matthews fails to realise that he is too late.
40:51
Gwendolyn is now a fallen woman of the type of religious figure
40:54
like Matthews might try to save or condemn from the pulpit.
40:58
He misreads Gwendolyn, even though he senses something is
41:01
wrong with her. Matthews takes offence at being
41:05
made to wait to see Josiah. On the point of his leaving
41:08
Gabriel Chase, Gwendolyn appears.
41:10
Ernest turned to behold an Angel emerging from one of the
41:13
corridors, a young lady of no more than 18, her tiny figure
41:17
dressed in white and her hair pinned up, allowing only a few
41:20
dark curls to frame her pale, elfin face, her eyes even bluer
41:25
than Ernest remembered with the colour of cornflowers.
41:28
We note again the use of free indirect discourse.
41:31
It is Matthews who views her as an Angel.
41:34
She's wearing white, symbolizing, for Matthew's at
41:36
least, purity, virginity, light. And we note Matthew's focus on
41:41
her appearance. And yet this moment of angelic
41:44
apparition immediately gives way to something that pricks at
41:46
Matthew's idea of propriety. The text continues.
41:49
You must forgive us for keeping you waiting, Sir, said the
41:52
Angel. I am Mr. Smith's ward for her
41:55
age. The young lady had a very
41:56
forward manner, but Ernest's venerable bones were so charmed
42:00
that he was not taken back by the lack of formal introduction.
42:04
Matthews views Gwendolyn as commentary.
42:06
Pat Moore's Angel in the House. On one level, that has to be why
42:09
Platt has Matthews repeat the noun Angel in relation to
42:12
Gwendolyn. But Matthews is so in love with
42:14
Gwendolyn, or at least an idea of her, that he fails to
42:17
recognize that she is a fallen Angel.
42:20
This is part of Platt's interrogation of the idea of
42:22
angels and conventional Victorian religiosity.
42:26
The constant ironic repetition of Angel in relation to
42:28
Gwendolyn. Matthews thinking of Gwendolyn
42:31
as his ministering Angel just before she kills him, the visual
42:34
image of light, the fact that he's described as the Angel of
42:37
retribution as he punishes Gwendolyn and her mother by
42:40
turning them to stone. Even the name Gabriel Chase is
42:43
interrogating and ironizing the idea of angels.
42:46
There is no Annunciation of God's incarnation in Platt's
42:49
novel. Ernest Matthew's tragedy is that
42:52
he believes angels can walk among men.
42:54
He accepts Victorian ideas about virginity and proper behaviour,
42:58
even though in thinking her forward he realizes
43:00
subconsciously that Gwendolyn has already been corrupted by
43:03
desire. The reader notices the ironic
43:07
juxtaposition of Matthew's hearing Gwendolyn singing That's
43:10
the Way to the Zoo and still thinking of her as his demurest
43:13
of angels. Mark Ayers produced a brilliant
43:16
pastiche, the type of Innuit Laden song performed in the
43:19
music halls. That the Music Hall is linked
43:21
with the disrepute all and potentially illicit sexuality is
43:25
clear from Mrs. Pritchard's complaint that the pursuit of
43:27
Gwendolyn is dressed like a music called trollop.
43:30
The song is suggestive, possibly a meta commentary on Gwendolyn
43:34
herself. I don't know what it is about my
43:36
figure or my style, but every time I walk abroad the passersby
43:39
or smile. I lost myself in kens and
43:41
singing about a week ago. A week ago I asked a cabbie the
43:44
way home, and to me he did say the passersby admire her figure
43:49
as she walks the streets. For Doctor Who fans, even the
43:52
reference to the cabbie is potentially encoded.
43:55
When else do we see a woman talking to a 19th century
43:57
cabbie? It's Talons of Wen Chai Yang,
44:00
just before the sex workers abducted by Lee St.
44:02
Chang. For a model of this type of
44:05
song, we can look to the 1914 classic The End of My Old Cigar
44:08
by Harry Champion. Which of course is referenced by
44:10
The Who is referenced by the Doctor in Talent, as you'll all
44:13
know, of course, because I assume you know The End of My
44:15
Old Cigar. The cigar in Champions Song is
44:17
both a cigar and a penis, which the narrator uses to tickle a
44:21
zoo animal under the chin, to bung up a hole on a sinking
44:23
ship, and to do something with it to a naked woman who may be a
44:26
mermaid. Sometimes, as Freud may have
44:29
said, a cigar is just a cigar. But when cigars turn up in Ghost
44:33
Light, I think we have to read them as a penis.
44:38
While searching Gwendolyn's bedroom looking for something to
44:40
wear and it's never explained why the dinner suits are in the
44:43
back of Gwendolyn's wardrobe. Gwendolyn opens an enameled box
44:47
full of cigars and gives 1 to Ace.
44:49
Gwendolyn declares. Uncle Josiah chose these
44:51
especially for me. Desire gives Gwendolyn the
44:55
phallic shaped object. He introduces her to the penis.
44:58
But because she's hypnotised, this is coercive, non
45:01
consensual. Josiah has corrupted her
45:04
totally. The murders which Gwendolyn
45:06
commits provide a sexual thrill when it becomes clear that
45:09
Josiah intends to have Ernest Matthews killed, we're told.
45:12
Gwendolyn revelled in anticipation.
45:14
She smiled knowingly into his eyes as she took the dainty
45:18
handkerchief from her sleeve. The sex and death combination
45:21
will be repeated in the later rocking horse scene when Josiah
45:24
declares it's time for Ace to go to Java.
45:27
He slipped his hands around her waist, looking up into his eyes.
45:30
The girl replied. I'm sure she'll enjoy Java,
45:33
Uncle. We're told that Gabriel Chase
45:35
was full of secret desires and unknown gestures.
45:38
There were some that Uncle Josiah shared with her, and if
45:40
she was good, he might share some more.
45:43
Again, look at the suggested term desires and look to whom it
45:46
relates. The idea that this
45:48
transformation of Gwendolyn has occurred in the two years in
45:51
which Josiah has occupied the house is made explicit When
45:54
Gwendolyn finally remembers her past, she's confronted with a
45:57
picture of herself and her mother in her Locket and sees
46:00
herself a doe eyed young girl untouched by thoughts of the
46:04
world's wicked ways. Again, wicked is a highly
46:06
suggestive word and has already been linked with Gwendolyn by
46:09
Mrs. Pritchard. Gwendolyn is ultimately A tragic
46:12
figure, which makes the doctor's harshness.
46:15
I might forgive her arranging those trips to Java if she
46:18
didn't enjoy it so much. Odd, particularly as he
46:22
diagnosis severe trauma and Redford's reminds him she was
46:25
hypnotized, but as a fallen woman.
46:28
The traditional fairy tale element of the narrative
46:30
dictates Gwendolyn has to be condemned.
46:33
Ace is the Virginia figure at the end.
46:36
She is in the white dress. At the close of the narrative.
46:39
Ace is touched by an echo of Josiah's evil when she's 14
46:42
again, note the significant age which is changing the novel.
46:45
But she survives and responds by burning down Gabriel Chase.
46:49
A very different type of wicked act.
46:52
Thank you.