Latest / Head Shrink Inc. / Anger part 2 and a phone call

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Anger part 2 and a phone call · Head Shrink Inc.

• 0:00
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• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: KPDQ Portland, a service of Salem Media Group.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: Listen online at TrueTalk800.com.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_10: Hey, welcome to the Dr.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_10: David Show.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_10: I think I'm always going to love that intro.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_10: It makes me want to dance.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_10: It does make me want to dance.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_10: Still.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_10: My head's bobbing.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_10: So here I here we are again with Ainsley.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_10: This is the Dr.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_10: David show.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_10: So I want to um tell you a little bit about what this show is about.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_10: This show is about answering people's relationship dilemmas.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_10: I think a lot of times in the over the past several weeks um we we have talked about um various types of challenges.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_10: Last week we talked about anger.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_10: This week we're going to continue the conversation about anger and talk about some strategies to deal with anger.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_10: And I'm going to actually talk about some different types of anger.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_10: I was doing a little web research and I think I told you last week I found like there's 18 types of anger that someone has been able to do it.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_10: So many types.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_10: It's like I think it's how Eskimos have different, you know, 50 different words for snow.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_10: And I just think, oh, it's snow.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_10: Yeah.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_10: I mean basically that's what it comes down to.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_10: And so we're going to talk a little bit about types of anger.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_10: And then if we get a phone call, we'll interrupt the conversation.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_10: But ultimately, this show is about phone calls and helping people with relationship dilemmas.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_10: Everyone, no matter the kind of family that you've come from, whether you think you've come from a pretty mellow, easy-going family, perfect family, or a horribly dysfunctional family, I think everyone off everyone asks questions about relationships.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_10: Should they be in a relationship?
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_10: What should they do in a certain with a relationship that they're currently in?
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_10: The holidays are approaching, and I've been working with a couple different families that have had some challenges related to holidays, and should they invite so and so or should they not invite so-and-so?
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_10: And and and that that's what I'm here to answer.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_10: No questions too small, no questions too big.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_10: Um I I will give you the right answer.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_10: And I'm here for emotional support.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_10: Yes, Ainsley's here to he's my bro to support me emotionally.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_10: Um Ainsley's here to to help facilitate the conversation about um anger.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_10: He's done a little bit of um I don't want to say research, because I don't know if you've done research.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_10: Trial by fire.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_10: Trial by fire, okay personal experience expertise, if you will.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_10: So because this is primarily uh first and foremost a call and show, let me give you our phone number.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_10: 800-845-2162.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_10: Let me repeat that again.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_10: Get your your cell phone so you can write it down.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_10: Pen pencil.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_10: I will wait.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_10: I just saw Clark, our producer, grabbing a pencil because he wants the number.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_10: He's writing it down.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_10: Get it, Clark.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_10: Um, here it is.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_10: 800-845-2162.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_10: And we are here to answer your phone calls.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_10: And hopefully someone's in the other room that will answer the phone if someone rings.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_10: Just just tell them.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_10: Stay on stay on the line.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_10: Just keep letting it ring.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_10: Someone will someone will pick up eventually.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_10: All right.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_10: So uh anything new and interesting going on with you this week?
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_02: Are you looking at me?
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_02: Oh.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_02: Um, new and interesting.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_02: Uh well, I just got back from speaking of the holidays.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_02: Just got back from California.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_02: Hanging out with the family.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_02: And and uh going through a lot of growth in my life right now.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_02: So it's interesting going home and seeing the the things that I'm working on um and and changing and growing and healing um be systemic in my family, meaning like like this is this isn't just a me thing, this isn't just a um, you know, my my dad, my mom thing.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_02: This is like this is is in my extended family, it's in my my my grandma, like looking generationally back, like my my cousins are dealing with the same issues, my my grandma dealed with the same issues, my dad, aunts, uncles.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_10: Um maybe we should do a little um live therapy here while we're at it, we can talk about all your issues.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_10: We talk about all my anger.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_10: No, I think no, I think that that is I I think that's great though that you see that because I think um a lot of people that I've run into that you know will do couples counseling or family counseling, they there's this belief that, oh well, the therapist never has, you know, their lives are perfect and their lives are okay.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_09: And it's just like doctors.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_10: Doctors never get sick.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_10: Never, never.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_10: Yeah.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_10: And believe it or not, doctors actually do get sick, and therapists actually do have challenges in their relationship.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_02: You mean we are real people?
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_10: Yes.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_10: Oh, no, no, no.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_10: Which is the name of your counseling agency.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_10: Real life.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_10: Real life counseling.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, because this is it's counseling for the real life.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_10: Re real life counseling.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_10: So well, that's good.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_10: So you're finding some personal growth taking place, hopefully.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah, um ton of it.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_02: Um and it's one of those things that I um I have to be conscious of uh and work on every day because it's so ingrained in kind of like how I relate to the world, and and I recognize that it's not healthy.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_02: Um so I'm making active efforts to be like, nope, not doing that anymore.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_02: Never again.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_02: So good.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_02: And then a week later.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_02: And then a week later, I I feel drawn back into it seconds, seconds later.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_02: Well, that's the weird thing though, right?
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_02: You're like you're trying to break these old um these old patterns of relating that that I've learned from my family that I've picked up um from uh like on my own, uh like being in other relationships, yada yada yada.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_02: And then there's always those those hooks, right?
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_02: Like the hook to co go back into the old behavior that you know is not healthy, um, and being a aware of those and having options and alternatives to to that unhealthy behavior and really slowing down, right?
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_02: Like, okay, let like this just happened, there's the hook, let's slow down.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_02: I don't need to do anything yet.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_10: And I think that's that's what ha often happens with family of origin and and even around holidays, and I'm thinking specifically of like college age, you know, the various colleges that we have here in Portland.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_10: Um there's all these students that are going to be going home.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_10: Like they've been at college, away from the family, they've been kind of experiencing independence and enjoying life, and then they go back home, and then everyone at home has all these expectations.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_10: I think for me, I I always would refer to it as like I was a uh a square block that was people were trying to force in a round hole, right?
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_10: Or I was still that square block.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_10: Well, I no, I think I so I think I've I've grown where there were these expectations of me, and I learned I mean I learned early on, and marriage was helpful in this.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_10: I learned, no, I'm not going to my marriage and my wife are more important than these family expectations.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_10: And it did cause ripple and challenges at times, but um I I I'm old enough now and further along enough in my life that that that it doesn't happen anymore.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_10: Right.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_10: So so there is there definitely is hope for uh for people when they think, oh man, it's not it's not hopeful.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_10: I'm always gonna be like this.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_02: So there's hope for you, Ainsley.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_02: Well, thank you.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_02: Thank you.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_02: But that's the the trap too, right?
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_02: The the hopelessness.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_02: That's a that's a part of like continuing into unhealthy behavior.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_02: Like hopelessness does not solve problems.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_02: Does not do it.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_10: And that's why I think that's why our job positions exist, because I think we offer a place where we can kind of hold hand hold people's proverbial hand, right?
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_10: You can't hope for more metaphorical.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_02: Totally.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_02: It's like, yeah, oh you you don't you can't even hope right now.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_02: Tell you what, I'm gonna hope for you, and you can borrow my hope.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_10: Yeah.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_10: That's that's a good so and that's why this show is partly here because a lot of times people they don't want to take the time or they're not financially able to go out and and see a uh a counselor or a therapist.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_10: And so we offer here some hopefully some answers for people.
• 9:00
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• 10:28
  SPEAKER_10: So boom.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_10: With that being said, let me give the number and then we actually have a call.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_10: So we'll go to the call.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_10: Let me give the number first.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_10: 800-845-2162.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_10: That's 800-845-2162.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_10: And I'm going to push this button.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_10: Push it.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_10: And see what happens.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_10: Bradley, hello.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_10: Welcome to the Dr.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_10: David Show.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_10: What can we do for you today?
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_07: Hey, this is Bradley Pitts.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_07: I'm a longtime listener.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_07: Big fan.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_10: Hey, thanks, Bradley.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_10: Long time meaning the last month and a half.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_07: Yeah, I love the show.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_10: Oh, good.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_10: Thanks.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_10: What's up?
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_07: My question is, what do you do when you're at the dinner table with your family during the holidays?
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_07: And one of your older family members brings up a racist comment or an inappropriate observation on culture.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_10: What what would you what do you normally do?
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_07: I just kind of chuckle and judge them privately.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_10: So much judgment.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_10: So so that solves the problem for you there.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_07: Then it doesn't really work.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_02: So um uh do you mind if I ask you a couple questions?
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_07: No, I'm gonna take the answer offline.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_02: Well, come on, Bradley.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_02: Seriously?
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_07: Oh okay, okay.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_07: I'll I'll be I'll take it.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_02: Alright.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_02: Um So what do you want to have happen in this situation?
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_02: Like like you're clearly uncomfortable with it, which is why you're you're calling.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_02: Um like what's what's what's the hope for you going back to that?
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_07: Uh I just want to avoid it altogether.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_02: So d is is it okay if I if I uh like challenge you a little bit, Bradley?
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_07: Challenge away.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_02: Don't ask permission, just do it.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_10: Alright, don't ask permission.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_02: So you didn't you didn't tell me what you wanted.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_02: Um like like you told me that it's uncomfortable and I don't like this feeling, and I want to avoid this feeling, um, which didn't tell me like what your hope is for the the goal, like like for the situation, right?
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_02: Like do you want your family to to hear your side of the the the argument?
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_02: Do you want them to be more respectful when you're around?
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_02: Um do you want to be able to engage them in a productive conversation about that?
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_02: Um uh do you want to protect maybe the younger kids that are around hearing this stuff?
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_10: Like like So So let it so let Bradley respond, because I that those are a lot of options that you just gave.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_07: You know, I just want everybody to get along and when grandma makes comments about, you know, the neighbors or ethnic people, it's really uncomfortable and no one knows how to respond.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_07: I just want everybody to get along.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_10: Right.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_10: So I guess I mean you have two options.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_10: You can continue to do what you do, kind of just judge silently and think, oh grandma, and make excuses for the the inappropriate remarks.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_10: So that's one option.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_10: The other option is uh I think there's three options, right?
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_10: So the other option is you can um publicly uh insult, not insult, but like call her out in front of the family.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_10: Well you could insult her, that's a fourth option.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_10: Yeah, yeah.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_10: I wouldn't suggest you insult her.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_10: You could um so yeah, you could call her out, but the the chances are everyone's gonna be angry at you for calling Graham out like that.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_10: Or you could have a private conversation with her and kind of understand her perspective a little bit more and then let her know kind of your thoughts on it, and then actually have a rational discussion about it.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_10: And I mean that's that's the option that I would suggest you take, but there are other ones.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_10: Ainsley, did you have to do that?
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I had um one more just kind of um you see it going on and you know it's happening and um within your value system, it's like this is this is wrong.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_02: Um and so I would I would say that to continue to say nothing about it, um you're you're actually a part of the problem.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_10: Okay.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_10: I mean I I see that as that's potentially about it.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_10: So so let's say we agree on that.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_10: Now, Bradley, I'm having a conversation with Ainsley.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_10: And and pipe in if you feel um appropriate if you feel it's appropriate.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_10: So that doesn't preclude then taking grandma aside privately.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_02: No, not at all.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_02: No, no, no.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_02: No, that that falls right in line with it.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_10: Okay.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_10: So is this something that you anticipate's gonna probably happen uh during this holiday season?
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_07: Oh yeah.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_10: Okay.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_07: Grandma's a really big Donald Trump supporter.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_02: I'm I'm half Mexican.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_02: That's right, Silva.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_07: She says she supports building the wall.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_10: Yeah.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_10: Like they have in Israel?
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_10: Or because there is a wall in Israel.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_10: Okay.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_10: Well, thank thanks, Bradley.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_10: So I think that that gives you definitely the answer.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_10: Hopefully, you can have a non-confrontive Christmas dinner.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I would, I would, I would um look into some uh assertive communication literature.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_02: Um you can Google it.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_02: Um, it'll give you uh great templates on how to have this conversation in a way that's not gonna raise grandma's defenses as much as possible.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_02: Because what you really don't want to do is get in a fight with her.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_10: Right.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_10: Because because uh you sound like a younger guy, and grandma's gonna be older, and so I have a feeling everyone's gonna probably come to the defense of grandma, and then it'll be the Christmas that Bradley was a jerk.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_02: And everyone remembers No one challenges grandma.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_10: Uncle Bradley, he's such a jerk.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_10: Can you believe what he said?
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_10: So you don't want to be the jerk, unfortunately, you know.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_10: Unless you do want to be the jerk, and then I guess confront publicly.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_10: I suppose.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_10: Well, Bradley, have a great Christmas.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_07: Hey, thank you guys so much.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_10: All right, you're welcome.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_10: Take care.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_07: Bye.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_10: Boom.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_10: Whoops.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_10: Oh, wait.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_10: What are you doing?
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_10: Okay.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_10: I pressed that button again and it shows a lock symbol, so maybe I should just not press it.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_10: Alright.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_10: See, so that's the kind of qu I mean that definitely, while that may seem insignificant to a lot of people, I think that there's a lot of people that will wrestle with tension and questions like that over the holiday season.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_02: I think I think it would be abnormal to not have that come up um at some point in time, you know, like, uh I hate it when you look at me like that because like it sends the message that I never do anything right and or or whatever.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_10: Like there's so I think that's why it's all it's generally a good idea not to mix politics and uh morality type questions with holiday dinners.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_10: And alcohol.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_02: Well that's that's the tri the trifecta.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_10: Well, because I think I what I've often finded, and I even was getting on in into a Facebook conversation with somebody today.
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_10: Well, I haven't all I try to just be super reasonable on Facebook because I I recognize that you're you can't you don't have the nonverbal cues and you don't have tone to hear Well, not only that, you're filtering it through what you think their tone and nonverbal cues are, which then gets really messy.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_10: And so I try to not get into conversations because over text, too, by the way.
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_10: Yeah.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_10: Because generally speaking, people have their minds made up.
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_10: And so they a face I I've never really run into a Facebook back and forth where someone said, you know, you bring up some good points.
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_10: I think I'm gonna change I think I'm gonna change my perspective on this m moral argument that we've been having.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_10: I've never really seen that.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_10: So I I try to avoid fruitless Facebook.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_10: Yeah, it is.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_10: It is, it's a kind of a waste of my time.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_10: The the conversation I had today, if it had gone on any longer, I was just gonna stop because I thought this is getting to be pointless.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_10: So thankfully he stopped it before I did.
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_02: So that's why I'm not on Facebook anymore.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_10: Oh, well, good for you.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_10: Well, I'm I'm gonna try to get you back on Facebook.
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_10: Nah, no.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_10: Let me give the number again and then we can start um talking about I like getting ink all over my hands.
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_10: Um the number here is eight hundred-eight four-two one six two.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_10: I'll say it slower.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_10: Eight hundred eight foon six two.
• 18:58
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• 20:25
  SPEAKER_02: Smooth jazz.
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_02: I'm kind of like a celebrity.
• 20:28
  SPEAKER_02: I have someone else managing my Facebook account now.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_02: Oh wow.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_02: That's impressive.
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_02: Well, yeah, I don't want to.
• 20:34
  SPEAKER_02: It's a time suck.
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_10: So last that's true.
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_10: So last week we did talked a little we talked mostly mostly about anger.
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_10: Um and I had talked I had brought up the idea of what I think there's things that fuel anger, hurt, sadness, disappointment, loss, and you you brought up some more things where like there's kind of situational anger, right, that comes up.
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_10: Um that we I mean I agree with I think I agreed with you on it that there's things that just make you angry that have nothing to do with maybe hurt, sadness, disappointment, or loss.
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_10: It's just like you see someone being abused, let's say, yeah.
• 21:05
  SPEAKER_10: It's like, no, stop that, that's wrong.
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_10: Right, exactly.
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_10: Um then there's the righteous anger like Christ had in the temple.
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_10: Yeah, stuff.
• 21:12
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah, the anger's the appropriate response for that situation.
• 21:15
  SPEAKER_10: So the one thing the one thing we did not get to was oh, we got another call.
• 21:21
  SPEAKER_10: Boom.
• 21:22
  SPEAKER_10: So hold on.
• 21:22
  SPEAKER_10: You're welcome.
• 21:24
  SPEAKER_10: That's a hopefully that's a good thing.
• 21:26
  SPEAKER_10: That's a that's a positive thing.
• 21:27
  SPEAKER_10: We'll get to right about we're gonna talk, and then someone's on the phone.
• 21:31
  SPEAKER_10: So that's so that's good.
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_10: Okay, pushing the button again.
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_10: Um Sarah, hello.
• 21:36
  SPEAKER_10: Welcome to the Dr.
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_10: David Show.
• 21:38
  SPEAKER_10: What can what can we do?
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_10: Hello.
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_08: Um you haven't been talking with me on Facebook.
• 21:43
  SPEAKER_08: I changed my mind to hearing somebody else write to me last night.
• 21:47
  SPEAKER_10: Oh, good for you.
• 21:50
  SPEAKER_10: Okay, you proved me wrong.
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_10: All right.
• 21:52
  unknown: I'm not trying to prove you on the same thing.
• 21:53
  SPEAKER_10: No, no, no, no.
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_10: No, it's good for him.
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_10: It's no no no, it's good it's good for him.
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_10: It's good for me because it keeps me it then it lets me know there is hope to When I'm having those conversations, see now you're giving him a therapeutic experience.
• 22:05
  SPEAKER_10: Wow, thank you.
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_10: What what can we help you with?
• 22:17
  SPEAKER_08: He loved it because he could have all of his 20,000 contacts from that electronic phone.
• 22:24
  SPEAKER_08: And my sons, I have four kids and three sons, and of course they're brilliant technologically, and they demanded that he give a new phone, not a Blackberry, because Blackberry should be bankrupt or something.
• 22:36
  SPEAKER_08: And he got his Android, and he is addicted to Facebook.
• 22:41
  SPEAKER_08: And he loves Jesus, he's a Christian, but he um he's on Facebook like four hours a day.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_08: And the thing is, I wouldn't really care if he was praying enough to or if he was praying, you know, just drop in a half-second prayer for each person every somewhere along the way.
• 22:59
  SPEAKER_08: Um, you know, just and if he wasn't sequestering himself away with his electronic device.
• 23:05
  SPEAKER_08: So, how do you break a Facebook addiction on an Android phone for a spouse if you feel it even?
• 23:13
  SPEAKER_10: Okay, so so there are a couple things.
• 23:15
  SPEAKER_10: I I would question um the addiction phrase um to that.
• 23:21
  SPEAKER_10: I th I think it's more habitu it's probably more habitual.
• 23:25
  SPEAKER_10: Now, maybe we're just kind of um you say tomato, I say tomato type thing.
• 23:30
  SPEAKER_10: Um so w when you bandy about the word addiction, that's it's gonna raise people's defenses.
• 23:36
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 23:36
  SPEAKER_02: Right?
• 23:36
  SPEAKER_02: Like there they it's it's kind of uh that's one of those words that can very easily start an argument.
• 23:42
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 23:43
  SPEAKER_10: So so when you say because if you say addiction, then there has to be like if he doesn't go on Facebook, then there has to be physical um physical manifestations that would imply that there's an addiction.
• 23:58
  SPEAKER_08: But uh yeah, okay.
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_08: His habit of of being on his social media forever nothing else on with his free time.
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_10: Right.
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_10: Okay, now that I agree with you that that would be a problem.
• 24:11
  SPEAKER_10: Yeah, well, hey especially if he has kids and a wife.
• 24:14
  SPEAKER_02: Well, and and and what are the what are the reasons for for him being on Facebook?
• 24:19
  SPEAKER_02: Like what is he getting out of it?
• 24:20
  SPEAKER_02: Um I know I know for me personally um if Facebook was one of those things that um it it was kind of like I I need to check out.
• 24:29
  SPEAKER_02: Like my my my life is uh a little overwhelming right now, and I'm trying to check out and and not not healthy for me, right?
• 24:38
  SPEAKER_02: So I need to I need to address my my life and the things that are going on um productively rather than trying to run from it essentially.
• 24:47
  SPEAKER_08: Well, I think I'm low maintenance life, so it's not that for him with me.
• 24:51
  SPEAKER_08: I try to be funny at home and for him.
• 24:54
  SPEAKER_08: What he's doing, he gets a work assignment on this device.
• 24:57
  SPEAKER_08: He has these people, he makes these, creates these groups, he has these projects, he commences he's like the ultimate workhorse of Morgan Horse or uh just never ending energized funny for productivity.
• 25:12
  SPEAKER_08: And I think that that he he really craves um meaning, you know, making a difference, he thinks, um with other people or groups of other people just to make their lives better, solve problems.
• 25:26
  SPEAKER_08: Um these type of personality, he's pretty strategic, so that keeps him on.
• 25:31
  SPEAKER_08: So it sort of like seems like it's a vortex that he gets into.
• 25:35
  SPEAKER_10: So is this and is is the is the Facebook related to his work?
• 25:39
  SPEAKER_08: Um not to his professional license, no, but he you know, he he it's his um sort of duty.
• 25:46
  SPEAKER_08: Like the guy who called just before me, he's saying that um can say I'm listening to grandma talk about Trump and stuff like that.
• 25:55
  SPEAKER_08: Well we are um re constitutional republicans, you know, this is a constitutional republic and we're conservative, and that for us that means we're trying to preserve the beauty of America, what what is there and what created this country, and then what's kept it going and all the benefits of that.
• 26:12
  SPEAKER_08: So free country.
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_10: So he posts so he he posts a lot, is what you're is kind of okay.
• 26:20
  SPEAKER_10: Because you use the word civic duty, so he feels like he needs to inform people of things.
• 26:25
  SPEAKER_08: Uh yeah, yeah, or collect data for them so that they can, you know, have original sources, references from all these think tanks and it it's pretty wonkish.
• 26:35
  SPEAKER_10: So is his does he feel like he has a um so that's a civic duty.
• 26:40
  SPEAKER_10: Does he feel like he has a familial duty?
• 26:43
  SPEAKER_10: Like there's a duty to his family?
• 26:46
  SPEAKER_08: No, um, no, because I have never cared what he does or uh asked him to do anything.
• 26:54
  SPEAKER_08: I I mean, I don't I don't even think I have one word I I would use I would use um addiction, but I've never used the word duty when it comes to our family.
• 27:04
  SPEAKER_09: Yeah.
• 27:04
  SPEAKER_08: Because this probably got ideas Republicans, you know.
• 27:07
  SPEAKER_08: Um we strongly believe in free will and and individual determination and not pushing anybody else around against their own will.
• 27:15
  SPEAKER_10: Right.
• 27:15
  SPEAKER_10: So so let's foc let's focus in like the laser beam though, because this affects your marriage.
• 27:19
  SPEAKER_10: Like it I'm assuming it affects your relationship with him.
• 27:22
  SPEAKER_08: Well, I'm trying to help him.
• 27:24
  SPEAKER_08: So here I am thinking I see um and I take the phone away and then he gets mad at me.
• 27:30
  SPEAKER_02: Right, so you're so you're trying you're trying to help him.
• 27:33
  SPEAKER_02: Um I'm not I'm not hearing him say I think this is a problem.
• 27:38
  SPEAKER_08: He he does say that actually.
• 27:40
  SPEAKER_08: Also he'll hand he's gone he's gone from one to two phones now, strangely.
• 27:46
  SPEAKER_08: One of the visors on another is a drive.
• 27:48
  SPEAKER_08: He he can Facebook on both of those.
• 27:50
  SPEAKER_08: So now when he hands his phone over just like to me, then he hands over two phones now to put in my purse for him or whatever.
• 27:58
  SPEAKER_08: Right.
• 27:58
  SPEAKER_10: So so so you so so Sarah, I would say that um you didn't marry him I'm assuming you didn't marry him to become his mother.
• 28:09
  SPEAKER_08: I didn't marry him, I didn't go to the altar with a phone, you know, to share marriage with an aunt or it w I mean he should have married his phone at this rate.
• 28:17
  SPEAKER_10: Right.
• 28:17
  SPEAKER_08: You know?
• 28:17
  SPEAKER_10: How long have you guys been married?
• 28:19
  SPEAKER_08: Thirty years.
• 28:20
  SPEAKER_10: Okay.
• 28:22
  SPEAKER_10: And so then do you do you have kids in so you I would imagine you don't have kids in the home, or you do?
• 28:28
  SPEAKER_08: I have a I have a special adult daughter.
• 28:30
  SPEAKER_10: Okay.
• 28:31
  SPEAKER_08: Um yeah, so it it it's pretty profound deep, actually.
• 28:35
  SPEAKER_08: And then um I have had huge cr um personal crisis myself that I'm doing my very best to recover from a serious injury.
• 28:45
  SPEAKER_08: Yeah, um extreme disability for for me physically and I've had six surgeries and all that jazz.
• 28:51
  SPEAKER_08: And so so when he I don't know, maybe he's trying to avoid the negativity of um uh just pain that I've had or well, I I wouldn't call it negativity.
• 29:04
  SPEAKER_02: Like you've had some really um uh uh I don't know traumatic events.
• 29:10
  SPEAKER_02: Traumatic events, yeah.
• 29:11
  SPEAKER_02: I and th and th and these are these are serious things, these are heavy things to um to deal with in life and and it's hard.
• 29:19
  SPEAKER_02: Like those are those are really hard circumstances and and and I I wouldn't um I'd be I'd be careful not to um kind of color that as something that is shameful or bad or you're doing something wrong um that he needs to avoid.
• 29:38
  SPEAKER_02: Um because I mean you can't help some of that, um and neither can he, and it's and it's hard and and and you're retired, you're both retired, you said?
• 29:49
  SPEAKER_08: Um no, no, not retired at all, no.
• 29:52
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 29:52
  SPEAKER_02: Um but kids are out of the home.
• 29:54
  SPEAKER_02: There's especially his daughter.
• 29:56
  SPEAKER_02: So let me Yeah.
• 29:58
  SPEAKER_08: I have four kids, three went through college.
• 30:00
  SPEAKER_08: They um they all were they all are brilliant uh scholars and on academic scholarships full ride to um to one of the best colleges in the country and they finished, graduated, have jobs.
• 30:13
  SPEAKER_08: And then I have an autistic daughter who hasn't been on uh you know able to do anything close to that, but she's but she's a she's a moral genius.
• 30:24
  SPEAKER_08: I mean she loves guide and people.
• 30:26
  SPEAKER_10: So Sarah, here's what I think's going on.
• 30:28
  SPEAKER_10: I think that um any type of social media, unless it's a person's job where they're actually making money from it, um is more or less as Ainsley has said, a time sucker and a distraction.
• 30:41
  SPEAKER_10: And and I have a I mean I go on I have a Facebook, my wife has Facebook, but but we can manage our Facebook time because I have lots of kids and I've m I've been married 20 years, not 30 years.
• 30:53
  SPEAKER_10: Um so I I recognize the value of being able to connect with your spouse, and I have a feeling um that it's a gr it's a socially appropriate way to distract himself from challenges in your relationship.
• 31:11
  SPEAKER_10: Sublimation.
• 31:13
  SPEAKER_10: And so I have no obviously we don't know each other, so I have no idea what kind of challenges have been taking place in the relationship, but my my suggestion is that you get with a third party to have a conversation with it about it.
• 31:28
  SPEAKER_10: Because I think what gets set up is that if he's on Facebook for too long of time or you don't like how long he's been on it or whatever, you turn into this mom.
• 31:39
  SPEAKER_10: Like, give me your phone.
• 31:40
  SPEAKER_10: You're not spending enough time doing whatever.
• 31:43
  SPEAKER_10: Fine, I'll I'll give you my phone, but I got another one.
• 31:46
  SPEAKER_10: Right.
• 31:46
  SPEAKER_10: And so then it turns it turns your relationship into this you become the bad guy, or you become the mom figure, like disciplining the son.
• 31:56
  SPEAKER_10: And um that that's at least the perspective I'm getting from just listening to you.
• 32:01
  SPEAKER_10: And I don't think it's happening like that.
• 32:04
  SPEAKER_10: Yeah, and you do not want to be that person in the relationship.
• 32:10
  SPEAKER_10: And so I think rather than viewing it as an addiction and it's Facebook's fault, or he I I I think sitting with a third party, whether it's a pastor, whether it's a therapist, and being able to have an actual conversation, because I have a feeling if you try to have a conversation with him about it, I would imagine he minimizes it or he tells you why he needs to be doing this because it's for the good of the country or whatever.
• 32:32
  SPEAKER_10: What have you.
• 32:35
  SPEAKER_10: I think that so my strong suggestion to you, sir, is that if you are unable to have a conversation uh a re a reasonable and rational conversation with him about it and point out, hey, look, you're spending this much time and it's like you're trying to avoid our relationship and challenges that we have, I I would say that you need to sit with the therapist.
• 32:57
  SPEAKER_02: I wouldn't I wouldn't say I wouldn't I wouldn't bring up the avoidance thing.
• 33:00
  SPEAKER_02: I would I would state your needs.
• 33:02
  SPEAKER_02: Um uh because again, like like I don't I wanna I want to caution you into not getting into a fight with him over it.
• 33:08
  SPEAKER_02: Like I would I would state like this is what I want in our relationship and and this is how I feel like when you're on Facebook for four hours.
• 33:18
  SPEAKER_08: Well then that's what I'm gonna do.
• 33:20
  SPEAKER_08: Um and and then there's a challenge for me outside of him, and that's like to to just like try to forget it all, you know, not not see what I'm seeing, to distract myself from him, uh and and I feel like sometimes I'm just gonna have to not be where he is.
• 33:34
  SPEAKER_08: So I have to remove myself physically because uh, you know, I I don't wanna um have bad attitudes and portray those, but it's really hard to be.
• 33:47
  SPEAKER_10: Right.
• 33:47
  SPEAKER_10: Well you see you having to do that, you tr you doing that is avoiding the issue.
• 33:52
  SPEAKER_10: And so my suggestion i in a marriage is that you don't avoid the issue, you actually deal with the issue because the more you avoid it, the more distance that gets created between the two of you.
• 34:01
  SPEAKER_02: And it and it starts to be potentially become a codependent relationship as well, which which is uh that could that that could that could be a whole nother uh topic.
• 34:10
  SPEAKER_10: Well, what I and what I tell I mean, you're not you're not alone in this.
• 34:12
  SPEAKER_10: I mean, there's other women and men who get um habituated to avoiding things by using, you know, social media or sports or work or alcohol or whatever.
• 34:24
  SPEAKER_10: And and I and I say what I would say to your husband is that the more time you stay disconnected from your wife, the more she's going to potentially um be out looking for someone to connect with.
• 34:38
  SPEAKER_10: And inevitably, just because of my job, I've seen so many times where an innocent relationship, because there's this disconnect happening in a marriage, an innocent relationship turns into an affair.
• 34:51
  SPEAKER_10: And I'm not saying that you would have an affair, but there there is that people need people.
• 34:57
  SPEAKER_10: We need connections.
• 34:58
  SPEAKER_10: And when you don't have a connection, inevitably you go look for a connection.
• 35:03
  SPEAKER_02: Not with the intent of s of doing something like an affair, but it it's or there's something wrong with the the person that I'm supposed to have a connection with, and then it gets into the you know, like like, oh I have this connection with this other person, and you start comparing the two, yeah.
• 35:18
  SPEAKER_02: Like it's a slippery slope.
• 35:20
  SPEAKER_10: So I think that I think you tell them your needs, and based on what he says, like, okay, yes, I'm going to be more purposeful in um limiting my time on Facebook, and then see what the actions are.
• 35:30
  SPEAKER_10: And if the actions don't follow the words, then I think you need to if I think you need to connect up with a pat with a pastor or with the therapist in the area and try to help you kind of um with this challenge.
• 35:42
  SPEAKER_10: Because it's not something that's easy to do, just the just the two of you, if it's something that he's not willing to stop doing.
• 35:48
  SPEAKER_08: Excuse me, I'm on the bone.
• 35:51
  SPEAKER_08: Thank you so much.
• 35:52
  SPEAKER_08: Well, um, I'm gonna do that.
• 35:54
  SPEAKER_08: So then um if he agrees to go to family counselor, that would be wonderful.
• 36:00
  SPEAKER_08: We'll see.
• 36:00
  SPEAKER_08: Um maybe RCP says no, then maybe I should just go there by myself.
• 36:04
  SPEAKER_10: You know, if he's not willing to do it, I mean that's something so I've worked with one part of a couple and encourage given them ideas on how to maybe bring the other part of the couple in, and so that's all that's definitely an option.
• 36:15
  SPEAKER_10: But definitely make definitely make sure it's somebody that has your same kind of um framework and thinking about, you know, spirituality and and things like that.
• 36:25
  SPEAKER_10: Because sometimes you'll run into a therapist that will encourage you to do a separation, you know, which I wouldn't encourage over something like that.
• 36:31
  SPEAKER_08: Oh that did happen one time.
• 36:34
  SPEAKER_10: Oh, yeah, okay.
• 36:34
  SPEAKER_08: That was so funny.
• 36:35
  SPEAKER_08: Well, um, yeah, they said you should just get a divorce.
• 36:38
  SPEAKER_10: Yeah, yeah.
• 36:40
  SPEAKER_10: Um I would steer clear of someone that just immediately says that's the solution.
• 36:44
  SPEAKER_10: Red flag.
• 36:45
  SPEAKER_10: That's the solution.
• 36:46
  SPEAKER_10: Red flag.
• 36:47
  SPEAKER_08: Right.
• 36:48
  SPEAKER_08: Okay, well, thank you so much.
• 36:50
  SPEAKER_10: Thank you for calling in, Sarah.
• 36:52
  SPEAKER_10: Yeah, have a good Christmas.
• 36:53
  SPEAKER_10: All right, bye bye.
• 36:55
  SPEAKER_02: I think that's I think that's so funny.
• 36:57
  SPEAKER_02: The the you uh you have disconnect in your marriage.
• 37:00
  SPEAKER_02: I know it's gonna work.
• 37:02
  SPEAKER_02: Divorce.
• 37:03
  SPEAKER_02: Divorce, further disconnection.
• 37:05
  SPEAKER_10: That's the thing I tell people about therapy and kind of the psychology field, is that it's not a it's more of an art form.
• 37:11
  SPEAKER_10: It's not that's hard and fast, it's not a hard time.
• 37:14
  SPEAKER_10: It's tough time.
• 37:15
  SPEAKER_10: Soft time.
• 37:17
  SPEAKER_10: So I like how you work with a couple is gonna be different.
• 37:28
  SPEAKER_05: This is Danielle Fischel and Roger Strong from Fognits World.
• 37:31
  SPEAKER_05: When you have five and seven-year-old boys, I can promise you they love superheroes.
• 37:35
  SPEAKER_05: Oh, it never goes away.
• 37:37
  SPEAKER_05: Indy is 11 years old, and he's obsessed with comics, cartoons, video games, all of it.
• 37:41
  SPEAKER_05: Adler and Keaton both have Spider-Man costumes, and if anything says Marvel on it, they are in it.
• 37:47
  SPEAKER_05: Same.
• 37:48
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• 37:49
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• 37:53
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• 37:55
  SPEAKER_05: Plus Disney's Milana, Frozen's Utopia, all the characters your kids already love, and a few you're secretly hoping they'll get into.
• 38:03
  SPEAKER_06: I just load up the iPads with Lingo Kids before a trip, and with over 4,000 interactive activities, songs, and shows, it keeps their attention for hours.
• 38:11
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• 38:16
  SPEAKER_06: Choose the yearly plan and save up to 60%.
• 38:19
  SPEAKER_06: Search Lingo Kids in the App Store or Google Play.
• 38:22
  SPEAKER_05: Lingo Kids, everything kids love.
• 38:25
  SPEAKER_03: Hey guys, Lady Luck here.
• 38:27
  SPEAKER_03: Are you going on any road trips this summer?
• 38:30
  SPEAKER_03: I know I'm gonna be going on a bunch of road trips.
• 38:32
  SPEAKER_03: And being that I'm gonna be passenger princess, I love playing on SpinQuest.com.
• 38:38
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• 38:49
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• 38:52
  SPEAKER_01: Visit SpinQuest.com for more details.