Latest / Marriage Life and More and Bible Study / 4 Steps to Creating Safety in Your Marriage Pt 3 (Marriage Reset Series) - 297

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4 Steps to Creating Safety in Your Marriage Pt 3 (Marriage Reset Series) - 297 · Marriage Life and More and Bible Study

0:06
Michelle Moore: Marriage has a funny way of putting God's character to test, usually before breakfast, and almost always over something small, like the thermostat, the laundry pile, or that sound your spouse makes while chewing.
0:22
Michelle Moore: We all love that God is gracious, merciful, slow to anger, and abounding in love.
0:29
Michelle Moore: But living those traits out in marriage is where things get real fast.
0:35
Daniel Moore: These aren't just nice sounding qualities that God occasionally displays, they're who he is.
0:40
Daniel Moore: And marriage gives us a front row seat and endless opportunities to practice them with someone who knows all our buttons and somehow keeps finding them.
0:50
Daniel Moore: So today, we're diving into these four attributes of God and exploring how they create emotional safety in marriage because if your marriage is going to feel like a safe place, it can't just survive on love alone.
1:02
Daniel Moore: It needs a whole lot of patience, grace, mercy, and commitment to Welcome to Marriage Life and More.
1:17
Daniel Moore: This is a podcast about marriage, Bible, and book studies, and we interview people that have inspiring stories.
1:21
Daniel Moore: I'm Daniel Moore, your host, and over here next to me is my awesome, beautiful co-host, my wife Michelle.
1:27
Michelle Moore: Hey, hey.
1:28
Daniel Moore: Thank you guys for joining us this week.
1:30
Daniel Moore: If you're not familiar with our show, check out our website at Marriage Life and More.com.
1:33
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1:36
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1:38
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1:41
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1:46
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1:55
Daniel Moore: And we thank you in advance for doing that for us.
1:58
Daniel Moore: Well, this week we're going to wrap up episode 11 that we started a couple weeks ago about four steps for creating safety in your marriage.
2:17
Michelle Moore: We love these characteristics of God.
2:20
Michelle Moore: These aren't just behaviors, these are traits define who God is.
2:32
Michelle Moore: His way of living in marriage, there will be no shortage of opportunities to extend these behaviors to your spouse.
2:41
Michelle Moore: So, how do we create safety in the midst of our marital frustrations?
2:47
Michelle Moore: Let's unpack these four attributes of God found in Joel 2, 12, and 13 and see how they create safety.
2:57
Michelle Moore: The first one is safety is slow to anger.
3:02
Michelle Moore: Return to the Lord, your God, for he is slow to anger.
3:07
Michelle Moore: This phrase, slow to anger, isn't just mentioned once or twice in Scripture.
3:13
Michelle Moore: It appears at least 14 different times.
3:17
Michelle Moore: And every time it points to God's long-suffering nature.
3:22
Michelle Moore: Being slow to anger isn't about passitivity.
3:26
Michelle Moore: It reflects the strength to remain patient with others, especially when they're difficult, irritating, or even hurtful.
3:35
Michelle Moore: After over two decades of marriage, we've come to really appreciate the value of patience.
3:43
Michelle Moore: Marriage gives you plenty of chances to practice it.
3:46
Michelle Moore: It's easy to get frustrated or disappointed by your spouse's actions.
3:52
Michelle Moore: Think about this in a daily married life.
3:56
Michelle Moore: Waiting on your spouse to get ready when you're already running late, dealing with laundry on the floor, finding empty snack wrappers in the places they shouldn't be, or hearing that distinct sound of snoring in the middle of the night.
4:11
Michelle Moore: That's so damn.
4:13
Michelle Moore: Then there are shared life annoyances.
4:17
Michelle Moore: However, these things are small, but they pile up if not met with grace.
4:30
Michelle Moore: Patience gives your partner room to be human and imperfect, the same grace we constantly need ourselves.
4:38
Michelle Moore: That said, patience doesn't mean ignoring everything.
4:43
Michelle Moore: Discernment is just as vital.
4:46
Michelle Moore: The author of Proverbs gives us helpful insight in Proverbs 19 and 11.
4:53
Michelle Moore: Smart people know how to hold their tongue.
4:57
Michelle Moore: Their grandeur is to forgive and forget.
5:01
Michelle Moore: In other words, wisdom helps us decide what to address and what to release.
5:08
Michelle Moore: Author Ashley Slater offers a great lens here.
5:12
Michelle Moore: So we ask ourselves, is this behavior missing God's mark, or is it simply missing mine?
5:20
Michelle Moore: Is it a quirk I find grating, or is it offensive to God and hurtful to our relationship?
5:27
Michelle Moore: If it's a matter of annoyance, not destructiveness, then we choose to let it go.
5:34
Michelle Moore: Sometimes the bothersome things simply aren't worth the battle.
5:39
Michelle Moore: Often we choose to move a bothersome thing to the conversational front burner.
5:45
Michelle Moore: It doesn't improve our marriage.
5:48
Michelle Moore: It simply feeds one of our needs to have certain things a certain way.
5:53
Daniel Moore: So I'm gonna break in here for a second.
5:55
Daniel Moore: When we're looking at this discernment and patience thing, that's a tough one.
6:01
Daniel Moore: I've I'm not a very patient person, am I?
6:05
Michelle Moore: No.
6:05
Michelle Moore: He has gotten better.
6:08
Michelle Moore: I've gotten better.
6:09
Michelle Moore: But mostly by like two minutes, and that's it.
6:12
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
6:12
Michelle Moore: After that two minutes, he's done.
6:14
Daniel Moore: So that's my two minutes of discernment.
6:15
Daniel Moore: Yeah, well that is.
6:17
Daniel Moore: Yeah, it's that's a character trait, and that's a tough one for some people to navigate through.
6:25
Daniel Moore: But it is something that I'm working on.
6:27
Michelle Moore: But maybe in the year we might come back and say he's done four minutes instead of two minutes.
6:33
Daniel Moore: It's progress.
6:34
Daniel Moore: That's what it is.
6:35
Michelle Moore: Sorry.
6:37
Daniel Moore: But I was kind of smiling here as we was going through this part because there was a time whenever we were having our situations, our you know, our back and forth fights and whatever you want, arguments, whatever you want to call it, that I was not slow to anger.
6:55
Daniel Moore: Uh it's I'm one of those, and I think I've probably mentioned this before, I'm sure, in a podcast we've done already, but uh I have a tendency to be an escalator.
7:04
Daniel Moore: And whenever I get into an argument with somebody and you know I really feel like I'm right and I want to get my point across, I elevate my voice and keep doing that to keep talking over the other person until they submit to what I'm saying.
7:19
Daniel Moore: So, and I'm not proud of that.
7:22
Daniel Moore: That's not a good uh that's not a good trait to have, but that's just how I tendency have a to be.
7:27
Daniel Moore: I'm trying to do that, not do that anymore.
7:30
Daniel Moore: I try to stay away from doing that.
7:31
Daniel Moore: So if there's people that I know invokes conversations like that out of me, I try to avoid conversations with them because I know better.
7:39
Daniel Moore: But that being slow to anger thing and being patient with your spouse is a really big deal.
7:45
Daniel Moore: And when you started talking there towards the end about things that are petty and things that really mean or matter something, how often do we always see stuff like that happen?
7:56
Daniel Moore: There are things sometimes that you're better off to just let go and not make a big huge ordeal and big fight out of it.
8:07
Daniel Moore: There are things sometimes you do need to talk through that it that's where the discernment comes in.
8:14
Daniel Moore: Because we've seen you know many times, and it's even happened between you and I, where it's a like a bad little habit or something that just eats and eats and eats and it it becomes a big deal, and then that big that little thing gets brought up and then it creates a big huge argument and a big huge fight.
8:34
Daniel Moore: So after that fight and argument is done, did it really make the marriage better?
8:39
Daniel Moore: Or did it just get your point across that that irritates me?
8:43
Daniel Moore: You know, and I think I like how this is bringing out the point here that we for sure need to focus on the things that builds our marriage.
8:55
Daniel Moore: If we do things between each other or you know, do things that irritate each other or whatever it may be, if it's something that's actually tearing our marriage down, then we definitely need to address that.
9:08
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
9:08
Daniel Moore: That's something that really matters.
9:09
Daniel Moore: Well, when she But don't be nitpicky.
9:12
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
9:12
Michelle Moore: Well, when she said, Is this behavior missing God's mark or is it simply missing mine?
9:18
Daniel Moore: Right.
9:19
Michelle Moore: I love that because like you said, it's one of those things that you want to make sure that it's not your personal agenda.
9:28
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
9:28
Michelle Moore: Or you're picking on something that's bothering you.
9:32
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
9:33
Michelle Moore: Is it really affecting you know the relationship so much that it's affecting God too?
9:37
Michelle Moore: Like your relationship.
9:39
Michelle Moore: I I'm a type of person, and Daniel tell you, before I wanted to talk about things and like, let's get it out, let's talk, let's talk, what's going on?
9:49
Michelle Moore: And when he didn't, it really frustrated me.
9:51
Michelle Moore: But now, can you say that I just like I don't really I mean it's not that I don't care, it's just it's a the little things.
10:00
Michelle Moore: Now I will fight and he will tell you, I am very opinionated when it comes to our children.
10:06
Michelle Moore: And I do stand my ground, but there are times that the Holy Spirit will be like, you're wrong.
10:12
Michelle Moore: And this is you know, and it's like, I'll come to Dan.
10:16
Michelle Moore: And I mean, we kind of little spat about it, and then he'll say his and I'm like, no, I'm doing this.
10:22
Michelle Moore: And he, I mean, what's he gonna do?
10:24
Michelle Moore: Tell me no after he's already told me no and I do what I want.
10:28
Michelle Moore: But there are a lot of times that the Holy Spirit will be like, you're wrong.
10:31
Michelle Moore: So that discernment of acknowledging that, I will come to him and I'm like, okay, you're right, you know.
10:39
Michelle Moore: But I'm kind of now, I'm like, it's not worth my time to fight about that.
10:44
Michelle Moore: If that's what you want to do, you be you.
10:46
Michelle Moore: You know, it's like I'm just not even with my children now, I'm the same way.
10:50
Michelle Moore: You want to do you, you do you.
10:52
Michelle Moore: You know, that's between you and God.
10:54
Michelle Moore: It's not for me.
10:55
Michelle Moore: And even with you, if there's something I don't necessarily agree about it, that's between you and God.
11:01
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
11:01
Michelle Moore: Unless I feel in my spirit that something's bothering me about it, I I I mean, I will say something.
11:07
Michelle Moore: I'm like, I don't I don't agree with that.
11:09
Michelle Moore: That's not really something that I think we should be doing or going with, or you shouldn't be doing that, like snoring every night, but we still haven't got that and fixed.
11:17
Daniel Moore: I still think that's the dog.
11:19
Michelle Moore: It is not the dog.
11:20
Daniel Moore: I'm almost certain.
11:22
Michelle Moore: He knows the next morning when I haven't got much sleep, and I'm like, you're snoring.
11:27
Daniel Moore: Was Jose at it again?
11:28
Daniel Moore: That crazy little chihuahua.
11:30
Daniel Moore: We're gonna do something about that.
11:34
Michelle Moore: But for the most part, I mean, honestly, I mean, we do.
11:37
Michelle Moore: I I I let things fly off.
11:39
Michelle Moore: I know you do now.
11:40
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
11:41
Michelle Moore: I mean, we both are just kind of like, okay, whatever.
11:43
Michelle Moore: You know, we're we're past that because it's petty.
11:45
Michelle Moore: But I do have friends that can sit there and pick nitpick everything.
11:49
Michelle Moore: And I'm just like, is that really worth it?
11:52
Michelle Moore: You know, is that really building your marriage if you want to address it?
11:55
Michelle Moore: And there's sometimes, I mean, I really won't say anything at all because I'm just like, you're gonna do it whether you like you want, you know, you're not gonna listen to me.
12:03
Michelle Moore: You're saying this to me and asking for my opinion, but you're not gonna listen to me because you're gonna do what you want to do.
12:11
Daniel Moore: And I think too, we've also came to a point, though, where I know for myself, if I realize that there's little things that do irritate you, there are some things that I have stopped doing.
12:25
Michelle Moore: That is not snoring, just FYI.
12:28
Daniel Moore: That's a chihuahua.
12:29
Daniel Moore: That's not me.
12:30
Daniel Moore: But there are little things, you know, that I've if I know that it's an irritation to you and it really bothers you, we're at a point in our relationship right now where we can usually recognize that just by body language, even if we don't speak it.
12:47
Daniel Moore: We can recognize some of those things.
12:49
Daniel Moore: And there are some things sometimes that if it's a little small thing that I can avoid that in the future.
12:55
Daniel Moore: And you do the same thing.
12:57
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
12:58
Daniel Moore: Uh so that way we do try to accommodate each other to the best that we can because we obviously don't want to be an irritation to each other at all.
13:06
Daniel Moore: But I literally, you know, we've seen different cases where we've, you know, seen friends or family members or whatever, they'll just nitpick and nitpick, and you can tell the other spouse is so tired of it, they won't usually say nothing, nothing very often when they're in front of other people because they don't want to, you know, embarrass or you know, bring attention to it or whatever, but you can tell that it's just eating at them.
13:30
Daniel Moore: And it's hard to strengthen your marriage and make it better and get it to a much better place if you're going to constantly nitpick about things.
13:38
Daniel Moore: And as she says, move bothersome things to the conversational front burner when when those things don't really improve the marriage.
13:47
Daniel Moore: Even if you talk through them and fix them, it really has nothing to do with the marriage being good.
13:51
Daniel Moore: Yeah, it's just a personal preference that you get irritated over, right?
13:55
Daniel Moore: You know?
13:56
Daniel Moore: And so, yes, I think that you need to send some of those things to the places where they need to die.
14:01
Daniel Moore: So, as we finish this point out, that's exactly what King Solomon was driving at in Proverbs 19:11.
14:08
Daniel Moore: Healthy marriage is about knowing when to pick a fight and when to let something slide.
14:13
Daniel Moore: So, Michelle, she's hard to get out of bed in the mornings.
14:18
Michelle Moore: Okay, he is not saying what a he put in here because he put Michelle being consistently late might irritate me, but it's not sinful.
14:27
Michelle Moore: Right.
14:28
Michelle Moore: Just a note, yes.
14:30
Michelle Moore: He's over here dying laughing because we cut a part out because he read it, and I'm like, wait a minute.
14:38
Michelle Moore: And he starts laughing so hard, and I'm just like, you know what?
14:42
Michelle Moore: I am late.
14:42
Michelle Moore: We're gonna leave this part in here.
14:44
Michelle Moore: It's okay to acknowledge it.
14:45
Michelle Moore: I acknowledge I am late.
14:47
Michelle Moore: There are times on the weekdays I am very hard to get up because why?
14:52
Michelle Moore: I don't get much sleep at night.
14:54
Daniel Moore: Because I snore.
14:55
Daniel Moore: Chihuahua snores.
14:58
Michelle Moore: So, anyways, I You gotta sell a Chihuahua.
15:01
Daniel Moore: Does anybody have a want a chihuahua?
15:03
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
15:04
Michelle Moore: So I acknowledge it.
15:06
Michelle Moore: But and now I recognize that it irritates him because he's never said anything to me.
15:11
Michelle Moore: He just brings me my glass of water in the morning as I'm trying to get out of bed.
15:15
Michelle Moore: And see, he never even lets me know.
15:18
Michelle Moore: But now he let me know on the podcast.
15:20
Michelle Moore: So I'm very well aware of it.
15:22
Daniel Moore: Cats out of the bag.
15:23
Michelle Moore: Go ahead and finish, babe.
15:25
Daniel Moore: My quieter nature as an introvert might frustrate her, but again, it's not harmful.
15:31
Daniel Moore: These aren't red flag behaviors, they're just part of learning how to love someone as they are.
15:37
Daniel Moore: But sometimes patience means standing firm, especially when the behavior is deeply damaging or violates God's design for relationship.
15:45
Daniel Moore: Things like abuse, betrayal, addiction, deceit, or repeated patterns of unrighteous anger are not issues to tolerate quietly.
15:53
Daniel Moore: In those cases, patience looks different.
15:55
Daniel Moore: It means honoring the person while refusing to accept the sin.
15:59
Daniel Moore: It means loving them enough to set boundaries and protect your marriage and your heart.
16:05
Michelle Moore: Patience doesn't require silence in the face of danger.
16:09
Michelle Moore: It involves creating safe, loving boundaries that allow the relationship to heal if possible.
16:16
Michelle Moore: These boundaries reflect God's wisdom and love.
16:19
Michelle Moore: They're not barriers to keep your spouse out, but safeguards to keep your own heart open while recognizing the need for change.
16:28
Michelle Moore: If you're facing a situation like this, meet with a qualified Christian counselor who can pray with you, consider what boundaries need to be in place to preserve your personal well-being and the potential for restoration in your marriage.
16:43
Daniel Moore: So that's really good.
16:44
Daniel Moore: So the first point there is to make sure that you're slow to anger.
16:49
Daniel Moore: And when that takes place, then that helps build that safe spot within your marriage.
16:55
Daniel Moore: The second one is safety is gracious.
16:58
Daniel Moore: Grace in a spiritual sense is one of the clearest demonstrations of God's love for humanity.
17:05
Daniel Moore: In fact, the New Testament alone references grace over 170 times, which speaks to how central it is to the life of a believer.
17:14
Daniel Moore: The Oxford English Dictionary defines grace as the free and undeserved favor of God, seen most clearly in how He saves us and pours out His blessings.
17:23
Daniel Moore: But grace isn't just a theological concept.
17:26
Daniel Moore: It has the power to reshape how we treat each other, especially in marriage.
17:31
Daniel Moore: Grace doesn't mean pretending that hard things don't exist or brushing real issues under the rug, rather it's about making a conscious choice in how we relate to our spouse, choosing kindness where others might choose condemnation.
17:44
Daniel Moore: Grace is love that doesn't have to be earned.
17:48
Daniel Moore: So how can we reflect God's example by extending grace in our marriages?
17:53
Daniel Moore: Well, just put it simply, giving grace to your spouse means loving them right where they are.
17:58
Daniel Moore: You know, Michelle, she shows regular grace to me, even when I mess up, because the truth is I'm far from perfect.
18:06
Daniel Moore: Me and my chihuahua snore.
18:08
Daniel Moore: Grace means choosing to look beyond the behaviors that frustrate you and remembering the deeper truth about who your spouse really is.
18:17
Daniel Moore: It's about holding on to their worth and identity, not just reacting to the moment that they let you down.
18:23
Daniel Moore: Offering grace means choosing to believe the best in your spouse even when they fall short.
18:29
Michelle Moore: That's good.
18:30
Daniel Moore: It pushes through the hurt or the annoyance and holds firm to the eternal truth.
18:35
Daniel Moore: Your husband or wife is made in God's image and is deeply loved by Him.
18:39
Daniel Moore: Yes.
18:40
Daniel Moore: That value never changes, no matter how they behave.
18:43
Daniel Moore: That's what grace often looks like, choosing to ask instead of accuse.
18:48
Daniel Moore: Saying something like, I know this isn't like you, so help me understand what's behind it.
18:54
Daniel Moore: Grace refuses to jump to conclusions or assume the worst.
18:59
Daniel Moore: Instead, it leans into compassion and curiosity, wanting to understand before reacting.
19:05
Daniel Moore: This reflects the heart of Ephesians 432, which instructs us to be kind, tenderhearted, and forgiving, just as God has forgiven us through Christ.
19:14
Daniel Moore: In any marriage, grace isn't a one-time act.
19:17
Daniel Moore: It's a daily choice to extend love, not because your spouse has earned it, but because love chooses to keep showing up anyway.
19:26
Daniel Moore: And how many times as spouses do we do things for our spouse because we feel like, oh, you've earned it this week because you done this and this and this?
19:34
Daniel Moore: And people will do that in a snarky, sarcastic way.
19:39
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
19:39
Daniel Moore: You know, that's something that you and I have really had to learn is that grace and that forgiveness, with if we didn't have that, we wouldn't be where we're at right now.
19:50
Michelle Moore: That's right.
19:51
Michelle Moore: I mean, look, I can give you grace and forgiveness every night when you and the chihuahua.
19:57
Daniel Moore: It might be Wilford the golden doodle, too.
20:00
Daniel Moore: Yeah, grace is very important in a marriage because again, if we go back to the first one where we're gonna constantly nitpick and we're gonna, you know, have all these little uh pet peeves that we constantly, you know, do things to the other spouse over and make these little snide comments or whatever, that's not giving grace.
20:25
Daniel Moore: That's the opposite of giving grace.
20:28
Daniel Moore: And we've mentioned before, and we actually talk about this in our marriage 911 when we when we work with our marriages that are in crisis, is you need to ask God to allow you to see your spouse through his heart.
20:41
Daniel Moore: You need to ask God to allow you to see uh your spouse the way that Christ sees them.
20:47
Daniel Moore: And if you consistently do that on a regular basis, then it's almost hard to not be able to give grace to your spouses.
20:56
Daniel Moore: Because when we look at them in the the way that God looks at us, knowing that, like it said there, no matter what our flaws are or the things that we do wrong, God sees the person that he created in his own image.
21:10
Michelle Moore: Yes, that's so good.
21:11
Daniel Moore: And he loves us regardless, even though we made that petty mistake.
21:15
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
21:15
Daniel Moore: He still loves us and still extends that grace to us even though we didn't deserve it.
21:20
Daniel Moore: And I know there's many times that you haven't wanted to give me grace because you didn't feel like I deserved it, and vice versa.
21:27
Daniel Moore: We've done some mean things to each other.
21:29
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
21:29
Daniel Moore: And we could have very easily never extended that grace or forgiveness, but we chose to do so.
21:35
Daniel Moore: And that made a huge difference in our relationship.
21:39
Daniel Moore: So is there anything that you wanted to add to that one?
21:41
Michelle Moore: I'm on that one.
21:42
Michelle Moore: Okay.
21:43
Daniel Moore: So that's the second step to trying to get to this place where you have a safe spot emotionally in your marriage that you can run to and feel safe to communicate with your spouses, is to remember you've got to give grace and make sure you give that back and forth so that there's forgiveness.
21:59
Daniel Moore: If something harsh comes up and there's something bad you got to attend to, you'll know that you can still approach that with each other in a healthy manner.
22:08
Daniel Moore: Right.
22:08
Daniel Moore: And hopefully come out of that extending grace of forgiveness to each other and also saying that, okay, we're going to fix this and we're going to make this better.
22:17
Daniel Moore: So Michelle, share number three.
22:35
Michelle Moore: Number three is safety is merciful.
22:38
Michelle Moore: Another way to understand being merciful is by thinking of it as being deeply kind-hearted or tender toward others or compassionate.
22:48
Michelle Moore: The concept of compassion is often described as a powerful emotional response to another's distress.
22:55
Michelle Moore: More than just feeling for someone, compassion leads to a strong urge to help ease that discomfort.
23:02
Michelle Moore: In relationships, especially in marriage, compassion means recognizing and valuing your partner's emotional needs.
23:11
Michelle Moore: A verse from Colossians 3.12 encourages us to clothe ourselves with compassion, humility, gentleness, patience, and kindness.
23:21
Michelle Moore: Traits that establish a healthy foundation for growing emotional closeness.
23:28
Daniel Moore: So when Michelle is struggling, what she truly needs is not solutions or comparisons.
23:34
Daniel Moore: You need presence and empathy.
23:36
Daniel Moore: She doesn't want to brush me off, offer cliches, or remind her how others have it worse.
23:42
Daniel Moore: What she needs is someone to join her in that emotional space to feel alongside her, to view the world through her eyes.
23:51
Daniel Moore: When people feel understood and cared for, their hearts relax and begin to open.
23:56
Daniel Moore: Showing compassion builds an environment where emotional connection and trust can thrive.
24:02
Daniel Moore: A heart will open when it feels safe, and compassion creates safety.
24:07
Michelle Moore: Even if you come up with the perfect solution to a problem, your spouse likely won't be impressed until they truly feel that you care.
24:14
Michelle Moore: This is something Jesus demonstrated in a powerful way after the death of his friend Lazarus.
24:21
Michelle Moore: When he arrived and saw the deep sorrow of Lazarus' family, he didn't jump straight to fixing the situation.
24:29
Michelle Moore: Instead, he paused and entered into their grief.
24:33
Michelle Moore: John 11 35 says Jesus wept.
24:37
Michelle Moore: That moment has always stood out to us.
24:40
Michelle Moore: Why would Jesus, knowing he was about to bring Lazarus back to life, choose to weep first?
24:46
Michelle Moore: With the most miraculous answer ready, he still made room for empathy and connection.
24:53
Michelle Moore: Maybe one of the lessons there is to genuine care often means embracing someone's pain before offering solutions.
25:02
Daniel Moore: So I think back to moments when Michelle needed that kind of presence for me, but instead of meeting your pain, I tried to rush to fix things, which is very common for spouses.
25:13
Daniel Moore: That's that's something that, especially from a guy's standpoint, we like to be fixers.
25:18
Daniel Moore: If we see our wives going through a situation, it's really dragging them down, it's working on them emotionally, uh, they're really struggling with it.
25:27
Daniel Moore: That does pull up my heartstrings.
25:29
Daniel Moore: I mean, I hate it when you are suffering through something and I want to try to help.
25:34
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
25:35
Daniel Moore: But you don't always necessarily want help.
25:38
Michelle Moore: No.
25:38
Daniel Moore: You don't necessarily always want me to fix it.
25:40
Daniel Moore: You want me to understand and join in that with you.
25:44
Daniel Moore: And that helps you work through all of that and come out to a good outcome in the long run.
25:49
Daniel Moore: And so whenever I try to rush in and fix things like that, I then miss the chance to show you true compassion.
25:57
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
25:57
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
25:58
Michelle Moore: So we've come to realize how powerful compassion can be in building a sense of emotional security in our marriage.
26:05
Michelle Moore: When we truly listen and respond to each other's feelings with understanding, it naturally softens the tone between us.
26:13
Michelle Moore: One of our favorite interpretations of Proverbs 2515 comes from the message patient persistence pierces through indifference, gentle speech breaks down rigged defenses.
26:28
Michelle Moore: When we show care and compassion, we're not just being kind.
26:33
Michelle Moore: We're breaking down barriers and inviting closeness.
26:37
Michelle Moore: It's in these moments that hearts begin to open and connection grows.
26:43
Daniel Moore: So that's really good.
26:44
Daniel Moore: If we can't show compassion during moments that it needs to be shown, sometimes we just need a friend.
26:52
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
26:52
Daniel Moore: Sometimes we just need somebody that'll sit there and listen.
26:55
Daniel Moore: And like I said earlier, more often than not, though, we want to j start trying to jump on that wagon of we need to do this and this and this and this, and this is what worked.
27:05
Daniel Moore: And I read this last week, and you just start, you know, bombarding this person with all of these solutions on how they really need to fix their problem.
27:13
Daniel Moore: And that person probably didn't even come up to you to try to get a solution to the problem.
27:18
Daniel Moore: Uh, they were just needing a moment to be able to talk.
27:22
Michelle Moore: Let me ask you this.
27:24
Michelle Moore: Do you feel like I'm a very compassionate person?
27:28
Michelle Moore: Do you feel that that is a gifting from God?
27:31
Michelle Moore: Because I know some people who have a very good relationship with God, but struggle when it comes to compassion.
27:39
Daniel Moore: I'm very compassionate.
27:40
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
27:41
Daniel Moore: It's a personality trait.
27:43
Daniel Moore: And I do think that in a roundabout way it is a gift from God.
27:47
Daniel Moore: I think everybody can be compassionate.
27:50
Daniel Moore: That's why I don't really want to just jump on that bandwagon and say that this is a gift.
27:55
Michelle Moore: Right.
27:55
Daniel Moore: That some people are going to get and some aren't.
27:58
Daniel Moore: Because I think anybody can be compassionate.
28:01
Daniel Moore: I think a lot of it comes back to do they want to be compassionate?
28:05
Daniel Moore: Yep.
28:06
Daniel Moore: Do they want to recognize, do they want to be involved in the moment and be discernful enough in the moment to recognize when compassion really needs to be there instead of the other opposite of what that would be?
28:19
Daniel Moore: And a lot of times I see, and you might I I don't know if you agree or not, but I think a lot of times I see that happen more in guys where they're they're not being compassionate.
28:28
Daniel Moore: Women can have that trait too to not be compassionate.
28:32
Daniel Moore: They just want to jump into solutions and whatever.
28:35
Daniel Moore: But it seems like more often than not, because guys aren't as emotional in their makeup, that a lot of times it's more matter of fact to them.
28:44
Daniel Moore: It's black or white.
28:46
Daniel Moore: And so when that happens, it's very easy to take the compassion card out of it and we forget and we skip that part.
28:56
Daniel Moore: And then we can hurt people's feelings, you know.
28:59
Michelle Moore: So how do you as a guy which you know that's something you've had to work on?
29:05
Michelle Moore: Yep.
29:06
Michelle Moore: And so how have you handled it being married to someone that's more compassionate that wants to help and do things, you know, for people because I, you know, I want to help and I want to be there through all of it with them.
29:22
Michelle Moore: How how do you handle that, seeing me go through that?
29:26
Daniel Moore: So you're ready for it?
29:28
Michelle Moore: Probably not, but let's go for it.
29:30
Daniel Moore: It's lots of prayer.
29:31
Daniel Moore: I I have to pray through that stuff because in my own nature, I can try to put myself in your shoes and try to be compassionate and empathetic with you.
29:42
Daniel Moore: But honestly, if I'm not careful and I let my own feelings and my own opinions get in the way, then I can still damage what little compassion I might show to you.
29:53
Daniel Moore: I may not show it to you correctly and still, you know, do it the right way.
29:57
Daniel Moore: So, and some a lot of times it just takes God having to transform that in me.
30:02
Daniel Moore: So I try to do it better because that's a that's something that, like I said, anybody can be compassionate, anybody can be empathetic if they really want to be.
30:13
Daniel Moore: Sometimes though it takes God to help with that.
30:16
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
30:16
Daniel Moore: Because depending on just how hard-nosed you are on being black or white, it can be harder to show compassion or understand the emotional side of your spouse.
30:31
Daniel Moore: It can be very difficult to understand any of that.
30:34
Daniel Moore: So, really, the only way that you can understand that if you can't figure it out within your own brain, is you have to go back to prayer and say, God, show me.
30:42
Daniel Moore: Show me what is going on here in the situation with my spouse.
30:47
Daniel Moore: Reveal to me what they're going through so I can understand it better.
30:50
Daniel Moore: Give me an understanding of what's taking place here and what do I do.
30:55
Daniel Moore: You know, ask God to pour into that.
30:57
Daniel Moore: God's really good at coming in clutch on those situations, if we'll allow him into it.
31:02
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
31:03
Daniel Moore: And that's what I've had to do because the transformation that I've made in our relationship, I don't take credit for that.
31:11
Daniel Moore: It's been a lot of God because I've had to do a lot of soul searching ever since all the stuff happened with us.
31:18
Daniel Moore: And you can probably say the same thing.
31:20
Daniel Moore: You know you're not, you're where you are because of God.
31:23
Daniel Moore: Absolutely.
31:23
Daniel Moore: I mean, if you hadn't brought God into your life, we wouldn't even be doing this episode on safety spaces because we didn't have one.
31:31
Michelle Moore: There would not even be a podcast if it wasn't for God.
31:34
Daniel Moore: Right.
31:34
Daniel Moore: And so we can both sit here and vouch for the fact that no matter how deep, dark places you've gotten yourself into at some part of your life, God can bring you back out of that if you will actually put it at his feet and say, God, here I am.
31:49
Daniel Moore: I need fixed.
31:51
Daniel Moore: And do what God does to fix that.
31:54
Daniel Moore: Let him work through your life and change those things about you.
31:57
Daniel Moore: Now, do I still have moments I'm not compassionate?
31:59
Daniel Moore: Yes.
32:00
Daniel Moore: I still sometimes come into situations where it's black or white for me, and I fail to have a compassionate bone in my body at that moment, but it's not near like what it used to be.
32:12
Daniel Moore: Like you said, I you've told me multiple times that I do much better at that.
32:16
Michelle Moore: Oh, absolutely.
32:17
Daniel Moore: And I feel like I do as well, but I have to give God the glory for that.
32:20
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
32:21
Daniel Moore: Because that's not my personality.
32:23
Daniel Moore: It really isn't.
32:24
Michelle Moore: So to the wives out there that your husband is not as compassionate as you, that's right there.
32:31
Michelle Moore: They need to listen to that because he has done a complete 180 on that.
32:36
Daniel Moore: And some grace.
32:38
Daniel Moore: Yes.
32:38
Daniel Moore: As we talked about in the last point.
32:40
Michelle Moore: I just I wanted to ask you because I know that's something that we've walked through, and you know, because I am a very compassionate person.
32:48
Daniel Moore: Um Yes, you are.
32:50
Michelle Moore: You're uh I give too much sometimes.
32:54
Daniel Moore: It can be that, yes.
32:55
Michelle Moore: I have to be very, I have to set boundaries and I have to be very in tune to the the Holy Spirit and use discernment on when and when not to be so compassionate.
33:06
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
33:06
Daniel Moore: Compassion can be a good thing or a bad thing.
33:08
Daniel Moore: It's one of those things that you can probably offer it sometimes when you shouldn't, because the other person needs some direction.
33:16
Michelle Moore: Well, they need to get a guy.
33:18
Daniel Moore: Yes, for sure.
33:20
Daniel Moore: So we'll we'll get through the last one here as quickly as we can.
33:41
Daniel Moore: Safety is abounding in love, is the fourth step to creating that safe space in your heart.
33:47
Daniel Moore: God's affection for us is unwavering and full of enduring love.
33:52
Daniel Moore: His devotion doesn't fade with time, it's constant and unshakable.
33:56
Daniel Moore: In Hosea chapter 2, verses 19 through 20, he reminds us of his faithful love through the covenant that he makes with his people.
34:04
Daniel Moore: That kind of everlasting devotion creates a deep sense of safety.
34:08
Daniel Moore: Within a marriage when both partners are confident that their spouse is truly in it for the long haul, emotional walls can come down and vulnerability can flourish.
34:19
Daniel Moore: The biblical idea of becoming one in marriage speaks to more than just physical intimacy.
34:24
Daniel Moore: It points to the powerful bond formed when two people commit to walk through life as one united force.
34:30
Daniel Moore: The promise a couple makes to each other guided by God glues them together in purpose and in spirit.
34:36
Daniel Moore: This type of unity isn't automatic.
34:39
Daniel Moore: It's the result of living fully connected, emotionally invested, and spiritually aligned for life.
34:45
Daniel Moore: But lasting love takes more than just a vow spoken once on your wedding day.
34:50
Daniel Moore: Malachi 215 in the message tells us God, not you, made marriage.
34:56
Daniel Moore: His spirit inhabits even the smallest details of marriage, so guard the spirit of marriage within you.
35:03
Daniel Moore: This verse emphasizes the commitment requires consistent care.
35:08
Daniel Moore: It's not something you say once and forget about it while focusing solely on the exciting aspects of your relationship, like shared faith, communication, or quality time, which those are all important, but they're meaningless without a solid foundation of commitment.
35:23
Daniel Moore: To us, commitment means intentionally choosing each other again and again with the goal of building a sustainable future together.
35:31
Daniel Moore: There's three ways that we found helpful in protecting that commitment.
35:35
Daniel Moore: The first one, commitment is a choice.
35:38
Daniel Moore: It's something a couple must intentionally decide with clarity and finality.
35:43
Daniel Moore: Interestingly, the root of the word decide means to cut off.
35:48
Daniel Moore: That's what true commitment is, cutting off the other options that could threaten your marriage.
35:54
Daniel Moore: We made the decision early on to remove the word divorce from our vocabulary.
35:59
Daniel Moore: The idea doesn't even exist in our household.
36:02
Daniel Moore: When quitting isn't on the table, it forces us to deal honestly with issues rather than hide them.
36:10
Daniel Moore: Conflict, while uncomfortable, becomes an opportunity to build instead of break down.
36:16
Daniel Moore: I want to stop right here for a second.
36:19
Daniel Moore: I was listening to a podcast yesterday that goes right along with this, and it was really neat what that couple was talking about.
36:26
Daniel Moore: When they were dating, they truly felt that God had them together uh from the beginning, first of all.
36:33
Daniel Moore: But they made a commitment that even if they got to an argument or if they had a you know some kind of a conflict while they were dating, that they would never break up.
36:44
Daniel Moore: And they said the reason that they made that commitment between each other is because if they were willing to break up with each other while they were dating, considering that they really felt like God put them together, then that would make it easier for them later to possibly look at divorce as an option.
36:59
Michelle Moore: Wow.
36:59
Daniel Moore: If they had a conflict come up in their marriage.
37:03
Daniel Moore: And they said that because they done that, that now that they're married, when they have these conflicts and little things that come up, because every marriage has them, obviously, yeah, uh, but they never even think of anything like separating or moving away from each other or whatever it is, and they really attribute that to because of how they handled their dating relationship.
37:27
Daniel Moore: That's good.
37:28
Daniel Moore: And I'd never heard of that before.
37:30
Daniel Moore: Because and honestly, sometimes you need to break up with people if they're not good for you and they're not truly, but if you've prayed over your spouse the whole time before you start dating, and you pray for God to bring you that right person, then I I truly believe sometimes God brings that person to you, you know, from the get-go, and you end up with your spouse and from that point forward.
37:53
Daniel Moore: But I just thought when I was reading that, that reminded me of that, and how I thought that was very interesting when I heard what they did when they were dating.
38:01
Daniel Moore: That is good.
38:02
Daniel Moore: So the second here, commitment involves emotion.
38:05
Daniel Moore: It's not only a conscious decision, but also something we feel.
38:09
Daniel Moore: We believe that honoring your relationship includes holding it in high emotional regard.
38:14
Daniel Moore: Hebrews 13, 4 says, honor your marriage and its vows.
38:18
Daniel Moore: That means giving your marriage the level of respect and value that it deserves.
38:22
Daniel Moore: For a long time we were good at recognizing each other's worth, but never stopped to recognize the greatness of the actual marriage we had itself.
38:31
Daniel Moore: That realization shifted our perspective.
38:34
Daniel Moore: So here's a list of things that we love about our marriage, not just about each other, but about the relationship that we've built together.
38:43
Daniel Moore: Michelle, won't you share that list with us?
38:45
Michelle Moore: Yeah, we um pursuing God together, challenging me to be a better person, having fun and laughing together, pursuing shared dreams, raising our children together as a tag team, sex in a way that feels good to both of us, knowing someone deeply and being deeply known by another, serving together, living with my best friend, having a helpmate, someone to share life's responsibilities, being on a grand adventure together, being part of a team and feeling safe and secure.
39:26
Daniel Moore: It's so awesome just to be able to read that list and see that that's our marriage.
39:33
Daniel Moore: You know, if you put marriage and put the description and of what the definition of marriage is, you know, for you and I, yeah, then that's the list that would come out of that.
39:43
Daniel Moore: And we pray that all of you listening have that same uh outlook on your marriage.
39:49
Michelle Moore: And hopefully you can put those together, write them down and post them on the wall so that you can see them, see, see what makes your marriage and just you know, about the relationship together.
40:01
Daniel Moore: Well, that would be a good idea for people that might be out on a rocky slope right now that's having issues, maybe go back and write that list and and hang it up.
40:09
Daniel Moore: That's your goal.
40:10
Michelle Moore: Yeah, because everybody's is gonna be different than ours.
40:14
Daniel Moore: Yeah, if you can set a goal in your marriage, and next week we're gonna talk about dreams in your marriage and goals and that kind of thing.
40:21
Daniel Moore: I don't know about that.
40:24
Michelle Moore: Welling ground pool?
40:26
Daniel Moore: We'll see.
40:27
Michelle Moore: Maybe just a buff ground pool?
40:29
Daniel Moore: A kiddie pool.
40:30
Michelle Moore: I'll take a kiddie pool.
40:31
Daniel Moore: A mud puddle.
40:33
Michelle Moore: Not going there.
40:34
Michelle Moore: I'm just kidding.
40:36
Daniel Moore: But yeah, it's something that I think might even help if if you're struggling in a in a marriage right now, maybe one of those reasons is you don't have goals.
40:46
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
40:46
Daniel Moore: Possibly.
40:47
Daniel Moore: If that if you do recognize after going through this episode that that might be the issue, well, this would be a good list of goals to start with.
40:54
Michelle Moore: Hey, we never had any.
40:56
Daniel Moore: Add to it.
40:56
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
40:57
Michelle Moore: For a long time.
40:58
Daniel Moore: Hang these up and every day look at it, but it's on your mirror or wherever it may be, and say, you know, that's what I'm striving for.
41:05
Michelle Moore: Yeah.
41:05
Daniel Moore: That's what I want my marriage to be, and then do what it takes to get there.
41:09
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
41:09
Daniel Moore: And try to, between both spouses, try to work that out.
41:12
Daniel Moore: So as we go through that list there that Michelle just shared, what about you?
41:16
Daniel Moore: Have you taken time to reflect on what makes your relationship meaningful and unique?
41:21
Daniel Moore: When you begin to clearly see your relationship as a treasure, your level of commitment grows along with that the sense of value.
41:29
Daniel Moore: Simply put, when something matters deeply to your heart, you're going to protect it and you're going to nurture it.
41:36
Daniel Moore: The final piece of commitment isn't just about making a decision or having passionate feelings.
41:42
Daniel Moore: It's about taking practical, intentional steps to strengthen your marriage each day.
41:47
Daniel Moore: This is exactly what 1 John 3, verse 18 emphasizes.
41:51
Daniel Moore: Love isn't just about talking, it's about showing up through your actions and living that love out with sincerity.
41:59
Daniel Moore: One of the most powerful actions that you can take is to develop grit.
42:04
Daniel Moore: Grit is the ability to stay determined and move forward toward long-term goals, even when faced with frustration, obstacles, or distractions.
42:14
Daniel Moore: In the context of marriage, grit means doing everything in your power to remain loyal and committed, even when things get tough or uncertain.
42:23
Daniel Moore: It's choosing to stay and fight for your relationship when giving up might seem easier.
42:30
Daniel Moore: We've talked about this before in another episode.
42:33
Daniel Moore: Marriage is work.
42:35
Michelle Moore: Yep.
42:36
Daniel Moore: It's not just something you slide into, and then from that day forward, everything just clicks and falls into place with no effort, no decisions, no conflict.
42:46
Daniel Moore: You're going to have all of that stuff.
42:48
Daniel Moore: Yeah.
42:48
Daniel Moore: And you're going to have to work.
42:50
Daniel Moore: There's going to be days that you're just going to, you know, you're just going to wanna, as Michelle would say, take a fork and just stab your spouse right in the heart.
42:57
Michelle Moore: And you're not going to ever let me down on that one.
43:00
Michelle Moore: And it's I was totally joking, everybody.
43:04
Michelle Moore: I am not like that.
43:06
Daniel Moore: But no.
43:06
Daniel Moore: There are days though that we don't get along.
43:10
Daniel Moore: And sometimes as spouses, but that's not a reason to just wrap it up and throw in the towel.
43:15
Daniel Moore: You know, we can always work through things.
43:18
Daniel Moore: And honestly, the longer it goes, as Michelle and I can vouch for our conflicts now, if they even happen, we work through them very quickly.
43:26
Michelle Moore: Yeah, we I was gonna say those days are way like they are our past.
43:32
Michelle Moore: I mean, that doesn't mean necessarily, like you said, if we do have something that comes up, we work through them.
43:37
Michelle Moore: But we've learned a lot of tools, and our source is God first now.
43:43
Daniel Moore: Right.
43:44
Michelle Moore: God is our source, and then you know, we do pray about things and we will get together and communicate.
43:51
Daniel Moore: Yep, and very, very important.
43:52
Daniel Moore: Communication is a big deal, it really is.
43:57
Daniel Moore: So, is there anything that you wanted to?
43:59
Daniel Moore: add to this episode today, I'm I think that these are some very good steps to starting the process of creating that safety spot and it's so important that you have that.
44:10
Daniel Moore: If Michelle and I didn't have a safe space, we couldn't communicate properly because one of us would be reluctant to step into that spot and open up and talk about things and try to solve the issue.
44:23
Daniel Moore: And if one spouse has that problem, it's going to be very difficult to be able to work through things and problems that you may have in your relationship.
44:32
Michelle Moore: So on another note, I just want you all to know that it is Daniel that has a snoring issue.
44:39
Michelle Moore: Our little chihuahua has been in our recording room this whole entire time and he is dead asleep and he is not snoring.
44:47
Michelle Moore: So you do not hear him so we're just going to be honest and real.
44:51
Michelle Moore: It's Daniel.
44:53
Daniel Moore: I th I think he's because he's hearing us talk about it he's he's feeling in an unsafe spot.
44:59
Michelle Moore: At least the dogs feel safe enough to come up here and and chill out and sleep.
45:04
Daniel Moore: Yeah, they're all laying over there asleep.
45:06
Daniel Moore: Asleep well we thank you guys once again for sitting through another episode.
45:13
Daniel Moore: As I said next week we're going to be talking about having goals in your marriage and how to keep that dream alive.
45:21
Daniel Moore: And that actually going to wrap up this series on marriage reset.
45:26
Daniel Moore: It's hard to believe but we finally reached the end of it.
45:28
Daniel Moore: So it'll probably for sure be at least two more episodes to get through that one.
45:33
Daniel Moore: But there's some awesome positive things that can be taken away from this next episode.
45:38
Daniel Moore: It's a good way to wrap up this series here on marriage reset.
45:43
Daniel Moore: So as we go to experience deep connection and closeness both people need to feel emotionally safe.
45:50
Daniel Moore: Hearts only open when there's a sense of trust and security.
45:54
Daniel Moore: That's why Peter challenges us to love one another deeply from the heart in 1 Peter chapter 1 verse 22.
46:00
Daniel Moore: That kind of love blossoms in an environment built on grace, patience, understanding and a lasting commitment.
46:07
Daniel Moore: With God's guidance aim to create a marriage that feels like the most secure and loving place on earth.
46:14
Daniel Moore: So the takeaway from this episode over the last three weeks here roommates allow their love to grow cold soulmates keep their hearts open and create a marriage that feels like the safest place on earth visit our website at marriagelife.com and check out our website there some links for our books that are available are there.
46:36
Daniel Moore: You can also reach out to us with the contact form listen to the episodes whatever you'd like to do go check that out and you can also email us at Daniel at connectingthegap.net we'd love to hear from you make sure you subscribe if you're not subscribed to our podcast that makes sure that you don't miss any episodes whether if it's our marriage episodes or if you like our Bible study stuff that I do each week we're working our way verse by verse to the book of Isaiah in that one.
47:02
Daniel Moore: So please subscribe and please share to other people that need to hear some of these episodes that it might help their marriage and then you can be a part of their marriage restoration when they fix everything and put their marriage back where it needs to be.
47:15
Daniel Moore: Well that's all for this week and as we go we pray that your marriage is stronger and your walk with God is closer after this episode.
47:22
Daniel Moore: This is an extension of Connecting the Gap Ministries and we pray that you have a blessed week