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Transcript

I Thought I'd Instantly Love Motherhood. I Didn't. · It's Mom O'Clock

• 0:01
  Speaker A: Hello.
• 0:02
  Speaker B: You guys, stop. Is it mom o' clock yet? I'm going crazy.
• 0:08
  Speaker A: Heck yeah, it's mom o' clock somewhere. Anyway, welcome back. We're so happy to have you.
• 0:20
  Speaker B: Happy to be here.
• 0:21
  Speaker A: Happy to be here. We haven't been here in a minute. Yeah, we've done a lot of like chaotic episodes.
• 0:25
  Speaker B: Feels nice to be back.
• 0:27
  Speaker A: Target, Home Depot.
• 0:29
  Speaker B: I dislike dicks.
• 0:30
  Speaker A: I love the store.
• 0:31
  Speaker B: I like Dick's. Actual dicks. Hate the store. Dicks.
• 0:34
  Speaker A: Well, we know you like dicks. But I. We got in trouble in dicks, which was so ridiculous for like we were like being immature, which we were not. Like that was so ridiculous. I hated that because I'm not immature.
• 0:46
  Speaker B: Yes, you are.
• 0:46
  Speaker A: Then someone wrote on one of our reels and said, you guys are 65 year old women. Grow up. I'm like, first of all time the out, not 65. How barely 30.
• 0:56
  Speaker B: How old do we look? Do you remember when we went to the bar and we were flirting with those 24 year old guys and we
• 1:02
  Speaker A: asked them were upset.
• 1:03
  Speaker B: Wait, our husbands come over. I go, oh God, the dads are coming. Run.
• 1:07
  Speaker A: They ruined everything. They ruined blocks ever. No, like I've met a bigger block.
• 1:13
  Speaker B: I was so mad.
• 1:13
  Speaker A: We were like dead like gung ho on flirting with these guys.
• 1:16
  Speaker B: It was so fun.
• 1:18
  Speaker A: I had so much fun.
• 1:18
  Speaker B: Didn't you dare me to go up to one of them? And I was like, I think I went up to them.
• 1:22
  Speaker A: Just follow mom o' clock on Instagram.
• 1:23
  Speaker B: I was like, can you just like pretend I'm whispering something funny in your ear and laugh so she thinks I'm flirting.
• 1:29
  Speaker A: What you said. You're such a fuck. Meanwhile I'm sitting there like drinking my drink. Like I could go for a cocktail right now. Rob, any alcohol around here?
• 1:37
  Speaker B: There is. Full bar.
• 1:40
  Speaker A: Might. Might have a cocktail while I'm sitting here.
• 1:43
  Speaker B: If she is a cocktail, I would also like 10 shots. Who's calling you?
• 1:48
  Speaker A: I'm literally in the middle of an episode and I had to pick up this phone just to let you know that I always answer your phone call. I'm recording mic on and all cameras on me, lights on me and everything.
• 2:01
  Speaker B: Who is it? I want to come back and tell
• 2:05
  Speaker A: Emily I said say something to the camera because you're on speaker.
• 2:10
  Speaker B: You're. You're alive.
• 2:11
  Speaker A: Camera needs to know this.
• 2:13
  Speaker B: Chrissy Outlets is in the building.
• 2:15
  Speaker A: And I love my mamas and Chrissy's
• 2:17
  Speaker B: on the clock with them.
• 2:19
  Speaker A: Love you.
• 2:20
  Speaker B: Love you, Chris.
• 2:21
  Speaker A: Bye.
• 2:22
  Speaker B: I miss that.
• 2:23
  Speaker A: He's so funny.
• 2:24
  Speaker B: I Miss that man.
• 2:24
  Speaker A: Me too. Okay, so anyway, we're getting into something deep. So stop around. And it's deep because we have two different views today.
• 2:33
  Speaker B: Oh, we have very opposing views. But it's crazy because it was just our own experiences.
• 2:38
  Speaker A: Our own experiences. Maybe not views. It's our own experiences, I feel like. And I have a lot to say now that I'm out of the stage. And I also have a lot to say when I was in the stage. Okay, but why don't you start us off?
• 2:50
  Speaker B: Okay, well, we're talking about when you immediately, Immediately, immediately just have a baby and you bring this baby home.
• 3:00
  Speaker A: Or not immediately, because mine was like, 26 hours.
• 3:02
  Speaker B: Well, okay, I'm just talking, like, in the grand scheme of things, immediately a baby. You. You don't have a baby. And then you get a baby one way or another. Adoption, ivf, birth. Anyway, you got a baby.
• 3:14
  Speaker A: Stolen, kidnap, it's fine.
• 3:19
  Speaker B: So then you have this little tiny baby. Okay. And I'm talking from my experience. My baby came out of me naturally.
• 3:26
  Speaker A: What are we talking about, though? I forgot.
• 3:29
  Speaker B: We're talking about the connection. Yeah. When you actually. When you have the baby. The connection and what you do with your baby.
• 3:34
  Speaker A: We're talking about connections. Yes.
• 3:38
  Speaker B: So you're given this beautiful, perfect baby.
• 3:41
  Speaker A: Adorable.
• 3:42
  Speaker B: Right away.
• 3:43
  Speaker A: Right away.
• 3:43
  Speaker B: Were you connected? Did you feel the love? Did you feel the immediate maternal instinct of, oh, my God, this is my life. How did I ever live without this thing?
• 3:55
  Speaker A: No, I didn't.
• 4:00
  Speaker B: And a lot of people don't. A lot of people don't. So you go first. Tell me.
• 4:05
  Speaker A: Wait, can I just say one thing? In the car? I was thinking about, like, a lot of people in this world don't want kids. And I don't realize that because I've only ever been around people who do want kids, plus myself.
• 4:14
  Speaker B: Right.
• 4:15
  Speaker A: Like, it was never an option.
• 4:16
  Speaker B: Right.
• 4:16
  Speaker A: So a lot of people don't, like, think about the amount of people that don't have kids.
• 4:20
  Speaker B: Yeah.
• 4:20
  Speaker A: Like, I just had to say that because it makes sense, because the. They're probably afraid of so many things.
• 4:25
  Speaker B: And, like, if you don't want kids and then you have a kid, you're like, forget it. Oh, God, forget it. I have this thing.
• 4:31
  Speaker A: I have this thing. What do I do with this thing? Okay, so I'm just gonna take you back. So now that we're talking about the connection of a child at birth. Right. So you have this beautiful child brought into your life.
• 4:41
  Speaker B: Yes.
• 4:42
  Speaker A: You're pregnant for nine months. Let me just start there I didn't feel the miracle in my belly. Like, I wasn't one of those moms.
• 4:47
  Speaker B: Oh, you didn't?
• 4:47
  Speaker A: No. Like, there's no miracle in my belly. I was like, yes, pregnant. Haha.
• 4:51
  Speaker B: Love. Oh. So every kick, everything. You weren't like, no, get me to sleep. Do you think maybe it starts from there?
• 4:56
  Speaker A: I'm. That's why I'm starting that.
• 4:58
  Speaker B: Okay.
• 4:58
  Speaker A: So I'm trying to think about pregnant. Nine months. I was like, so happy that I was having this baby with my husband. Like, beautiful family vibes. Like, that's where I was at. I wasn't like, oh, my God, I'm growing this rainbow inside of me. Like, I was not there. Yeah. So I mean, people were like, I have a miracle inside of me.
• 5:12
  Speaker B: I know I was not like that. Okay.
• 5:14
  Speaker A: But people are. And I believe that. Especially if it's hard for you to get pregnant and all the things. But I was just like, get this baby out of me. So. Especially. Cause I gained 70 pounds.
• 5:22
  Speaker B: Yeah.
• 5:23
  Speaker A: So anyway, baby comes out. I don't know. And I'm gonna say this because I don't know if this had to do with it. I had a C section, as you know. I had a traumatizing birth. So I don't know if that had to do with it, but I had that. So if any doctors are listening, you let me know if that was the case. But anyway, don't know if it was. So I have this baby. This baby. My beautiful son is what I have of his baby.
• 5:47
  Speaker B: He's still here.
• 5:48
  Speaker A: He's still here. So I have him. And I genuinely, like, if I had to, like, think quick on my feet and like, what I was thinking, I was just happy it was over. One and two. I was like, I can't have anybody leave my side. Like, I need help in terms of, like, with the baby. So I really couldn't get out of bed because of the C section. So Michael was changing the diapers for probably like the two days we were in the hospital. And I remember, like, I could have tried my absolute hardest. I was also afraid that I. I was afraid that, like, something's gonna happen. So I think that was on top of my mind, like, if I got up.
• 6:27
  Speaker B: Okay.
• 6:27
  Speaker A: Like.
• 6:28
  Speaker B: Like something was gonna happen to you.
• 6:29
  Speaker A: Yeah. Like. And I couldn't take care of my kid.
• 6:30
  Speaker B: Okay.
• 6:31
  Speaker A: So I don't want to ruin anything with the C section. So I think in my mind I was like, I'm gonna stay in bed and I'm not gonna move, just gonna lay here. I Don't know if it was because I was afraid. The doctors were like, you can't do anything. Like, you climb steps or. I was like, this is my excuse, like, not to. To feel the feels.
• 6:46
  Speaker B: Right?
• 6:46
  Speaker A: Because I think I wasn't feeling the feels.
• 6:48
  Speaker B: The baby.
• 6:48
  Speaker A: Yeah, of course.
• 6:49
  Speaker B: Okay.
• 6:49
  Speaker A: I tried to breastfeed some.
• 6:51
  Speaker B: Some moms just, like, it's just a total disconnect.
• 6:54
  Speaker A: No, Like, I didn't have that. I held him, but, like, when I was holding him and I was trying to breastfeed, like, I just had a baby.
• 7:00
  Speaker B: Did you just feel like you were holding. You were just. I was just holding, like, a doll.
• 7:04
  Speaker A: I could have been holding a doll. Correct. Which is, like, I could cry about it now, because holding my son now, like, makes me emotional.
• 7:11
  Speaker B: I think people.
• 7:12
  Speaker A: I don't get it.
• 7:12
  Speaker B: I think people need to. To not put together where the love for your baby is different than the connection, because.
• 7:21
  Speaker A: Right, right, right. Okay.
• 7:22
  Speaker B: You could. You could love him to death, but, like, you might have not felt so connected to him. Which is why I feel like, for my husband, I feel like he could relate more to that. More like he wasn't connected. He didn't think, like, this was like, an angel from heaven coming into our lives. Like, he. He honestly would probably say he didn't, like, connect with any of our children until they were at least, like, correct six months old.
• 7:43
  Speaker A: So I feel like when I was pregnant, I was like, when I meet the baby, like, I'll feel like I have a baby. So that's what happened. But I feel like I had imposter syndrome. Like, I felt as if I wasn't supposed to be having this baby.
• 7:56
  Speaker B: Okay.
• 7:56
  Speaker A: Like, that's kind of the feeling I had on top of all the emotions of, like, I'm still human. I still was like, oh, my God, I brought this baby into this world. Like, this is crazy. But I definitely didn't have that, like, immediate connection. And I literally. I tell people to this day, I was counting down the months until he was older. I was. And I say loud and proud, I was not a newborn mom.
• 8:17
  Speaker B: No. And a lot of people, I just
• 8:19
  Speaker A: didn't feel like, when I see a newborn now, like, when I have my niece, she's seven, eight months now, but I felt more of a connection with her than my own kid. I almost was like. And I wasn't like, what did I do with my life? How did I have this baby? Like, now I have to change my whole world. It wasn't that. It was almost as if, like, my feelings Went away. And I'm a very emotional person. I had no emotion. I didn't cry, I didn't laugh.
• 8:46
  Speaker B: I didn't like, well, that's a total postpartum thing.
• 8:50
  Speaker A: And I think it hit me as soon as I had the baby again. Don't know if it was from the trauma from birth or if I just, like, didn't have the connection. And I think another thing with what upset me was, like, why am I feeling this way? Am I the only one feeling this way? Like, I thought this was supposed to be the best thing on planet Earth. I mean, people cry when their babies come out of them, Right? And I think now that I'm thinking about it, I think I was upset that I didn't have a natural birth at the time. And maybe I would have felt like
• 9:15
  Speaker B: you had a plan and it went correct.
• 9:18
  Speaker A: But at the same time, I have to just say, like, and stop, stop beating around the bush. Like, I generally don't think I had a connection when he was born, and
• 9:26
  Speaker B: I think that's okay. Yeah.
• 9:27
  Speaker A: And I.
• 9:27
  Speaker B: So, like, your connection grew. Oh, my God. Like, rapidly or. It took time.
• 9:33
  Speaker A: Took time. I feel like I didn't feel that connection. No joke. I mean, now it's like, above and beyond, but I don't think I was actually connected. My God, this is crazy. I mean, obviously, like, I, I was protective. It was all those other things besides, like, talking about, like, the what is connection?
• 9:51
  Speaker B: The innate connection. Like, just the, like, you kind of can't describe a connection. Like, think about, like, being in love. Like, a connection like that.
• 9:58
  Speaker A: It's just like, like a certain feeling towards somebody.
• 10:00
  Speaker B: Yeah.
• 10:00
  Speaker A: Like, yeah, I, I, I want to say, and this might be just, like, out of thin air. I just feel like, when to talk. I felt another human was there, and I'm amazed at the fact that. And then I started to go backwards. Oh, my God. I gave birth to him. Oh, my God. I gave him eyes. Oh, my God. I gave him feet. And now he could talk. That's when I started to go backwards, probably when he could talk, which was probably like, oh, my God. He was talking early.
• 10:29
  Speaker B: Like, yeah, but you have to think about. So when you bring home a newborn, they don't do much. They're literal blobs. You have to feed them, you have to change their diaper, you have to burp them, you have to make sure they're breathing, and that's really it. So that is easy to not have a connection with. That could be a fucking egg. Literally nothing. Literally an egg I mean, it could
• 10:52
  Speaker A: just don't crack the egg and then it dies, but.
• 10:55
  Speaker B: So I do think that a lot of people could probably relate to not having that immediate. I definitely have conversations with people who
• 11:05
  Speaker A: didn't have that feeling.
• 11:07
  Speaker B: Yeah.
• 11:07
  Speaker A: I feel like maybe most people do,
• 11:09
  Speaker B: but I do think that people that had. That it was just in them. It's hard to relate or to understand.
• 11:17
  Speaker A: Yeah. You're like, what do you mean?
• 11:18
  Speaker B: Yeah, like, so for me, like, I just. The second I pushed out the baby, like, I just felt like my whole world, like everything I was ever meant to do is in my arms right now. And I was like, literally. I mean, I could cry thinking about it. Like, it was just like nothing else mattered. Like nothing mattered besides me and this baby. And I felt that way for all of my babies, but I didn't feel that way while I was. While they were in my belly. Okay. I know. I actually, like, didn't like, when they kicked. Like, I thought it was some like, weird alien inside me. Like, I didn't think it was some like, yeah, angel, miracle, miracle thing. Which it is. Like, it's an amazing thing that we can do that. That I was able to do that. I'm very blessed and it happened easy for me.
• 12:03
  Speaker A: But check, check, check.
• 12:04
  Speaker B: I just, I did think the whole, like, being pregnant was like, I was also like, ready for it to just like, I just wanted my baby. All I wanted was my baby.
• 12:15
  Speaker A: I think I, like, needed more time.
• 12:17
  Speaker B: More time to be pregnant or more time to like, process if you were gonna be a mom. Yeah. Yeah. And then like, so, so then.
• 12:23
  Speaker A: But I had mother instincts like I always had.
• 12:26
  Speaker B: Yeah. Okay, so let's take out. Let's talk about being maternal.
• 12:29
  Speaker A: No, I'm not done with you, though. Okay, so you have this, this baby.
• 12:33
  Speaker B: Yeah.
• 12:34
  Speaker A: But then you have another one, like, literally six months after.
• 12:36
  Speaker B: Right.
• 12:37
  Speaker A: So it's like, do you think you didn't, like, do you think you had more time just like, with the newborn stage, you would have been over and you're like, okay, like, you think that, like, having another helped you kind of just keep your mind occupied with that world in my hands?
• 12:50
  Speaker B: No, I think, like, you absolutely loved the newborn stage.
• 12:55
  Speaker A: I need to birth a two year old, right?
• 12:59
  Speaker B: I. I mean, I crave the newborn stage. Like the newborn little crouch. Like the smell.
• 13:05
  Speaker A: I think, I think it's cute now. But it wasn't when it first happened.
• 13:08
  Speaker B: Yeah, well. Cause you were going through it.
• 13:10
  Speaker A: Yeah.
• 13:11
  Speaker B: Like, I. But I. Then I love the baby stage. I love the Toddler stage. I even love the terrible twos.
• 13:18
  Speaker A: Like I love the five year old stage. When he said his ass itched last night, I'm like, I don't want a five year old. You can tell your ass itches.
• 13:24
  Speaker B: I love that stage too.
• 13:27
  Speaker A: I'm like, my son is cute. Still he doesn't know he has a relationship.
• 13:30
  Speaker B: It is, it is sad when they go past like the cute stage.
• 13:34
  Speaker A: I thought, Joey's like a kid.
• 13:36
  Speaker B: Don't say that. He wanted to cuddle me this morning. He was still like, like a five year old. Still wants to like snuggle and then
• 13:43
  Speaker A: like you problem though.
• 13:45
  Speaker B: I mean, I think I have a syndrome.
• 13:47
  Speaker A: I don't know. Your babies are gonna be 18. They'll be a baby.
• 13:50
  Speaker B: No, I have like, you know, munch housing.
• 13:52
  Speaker A: Yeah.
• 13:53
  Speaker B: I don't have that. It's like I want my babies to be babies forever. Like, look it up, gotta be a syndrome. I will put a pacifier in my
• 14:00
  Speaker A: 5 year old Benjamin Button. I go, forest Benjamin. The one that ages backwards is Benjamin.
• 14:04
  Speaker B: Ages backwards.
• 14:05
  Speaker A: Yeah. I don't.
• 14:06
  Speaker B: It's just something about like them needing me.
• 14:08
  Speaker A: And like I love when Gio needs me.
• 14:11
  Speaker B: Yeah.
• 14:12
  Speaker A: When he's like felt when he falls,
• 14:13
  Speaker B: I'm like, oh my God, Mommy's here.
• 14:15
  Speaker A: You have a cut. Come here, boo boo. Like he pretended he had a boo boo this morning. Cuz Joey put a bandaid on yesterday. He was like faking. He was like, mommy boo boo. Oh my God.
• 14:25
  Speaker B: No, it's just something. I don't know. I do love every stage, every phase, every. I don't know.
• 14:31
  Speaker A: So you just love.
• 14:33
  Speaker B: But. And I felt it right away. But I, I think it also goes back to like my entire life, all I wanted to do was be a mom.
• 14:42
  Speaker A: Yeah.
• 14:42
  Speaker B: Like that's the only thing.
• 14:44
  Speaker A: I don't care about anything else.
• 14:45
  Speaker B: That is the only thing I ever want.
• 14:46
  Speaker A: I was talking to about this. Like you, you don't care about anything else in your life besides being a mom. Like literally, like not one other thing.
• 14:54
  Speaker B: I mean. Yeah, it's, it's my number one.
• 14:56
  Speaker A: It's your number one. I mean, but it's also my number one. But I also have other care.
• 15:00
  Speaker B: I mean. Yeah, you have.
• 15:02
  Speaker A: You generally. You don't care about like conversations. You don't care about Like I care
• 15:07
  Speaker B: about absolutely no nothing.
• 15:08
  Speaker A: You genuinely don't care. Like you really, you really are one and only person. I know that. Just like mom.
• 15:15
  Speaker B: Yeah.
• 15:15
  Speaker A: And like this is like the only thing you have. But still. Still now I'm like, you have to not be a mom 24 7. Like you have to, you know, get tried in the game.
• 15:23
  Speaker B: Yeah. But now I even have mama clock. So just, I'm not being a mom, but I'm talking about being a mom.
• 15:27
  Speaker A: Yeah, but it's also like really cool and interesting to see because I never really met anybody who's like, everyone loves to be a mom. Your mom? Yeah. Like I just feel like everyone loves to be a mom, but not everyone.
• 15:40
  Speaker B: I mean, you have to have other things. You have to have other outlets. If you don't, then if something happens to your everything, then what? You're ruined.
• 15:50
  Speaker A: I'm just not that type. Like, I am. I need to wear many hats. I need to be a mom. I need to be a businesswoman. I need to be the coolant. I need to be like, I just need to be. And that's what fulfills my world. Like I like to have like a million eggs in my basket. You're like one big mommy.
• 16:08
  Speaker B: Seemed to be the cool, best, funniest mom actually, which is awesome. So funny. I was getting ready and I look at Joey, my 5 year old and I go, I'm like, in the, in the mirror, I'm doing my makeup, he's like, I'm like, Joe. He's like, what mom? I go, do you think you have like a pretty mom?
• 16:24
  Speaker A: And he's like, no.
• 16:25
  Speaker B: Literally fishing from a five year old. Imagine that. And he was like, he like thought about it for a second. He's like, yeah, you're pretty. And I was like, okay, but like who else is pretty to you? Like what's pretty to you? I went and asked him and he goes, auntie Dom. And I said, I have chills. I said, okay, so me and Auntie Dom are.
• 16:43
  Speaker A: Wait, chills? So like 5 year old's giving me chills. He said I was pretty.
• 16:48
  Speaker B: He said I was pretty.
• 16:49
  Speaker A: That's the best compliment I know.
• 16:50
  Speaker B: I could die now.
• 16:52
  Speaker A: Cuz a 5 year old is the most honest person on planet Earth.
• 16:55
  Speaker B: Oh yeah. And then if he calls you fat, it's over.
• 16:57
  Speaker A: Oh, over.
• 16:57
  Speaker B: Fupa. Auntie Dahmer. FUPA right now.
• 17:02
  Speaker A: Wait, he called me, he said, I
• 17:04
  Speaker B: asked him, I said, who else is a pretty mom to you? And he said, Auntie Dahmer.
• 17:08
  Speaker A: He could have said a million others.
• 17:09
  Speaker B: He said you.
• 17:10
  Speaker A: That's amazing. Yep. Anyway, I have a connection with him, that's for sure. So anyway, I just all in all with this connection thing we got going on, I'm like dreading the Newborn stage when I have my next. But I'm hoping it's different because it can be different, right?
• 17:29
  Speaker B: Oh, yeah, it can be.
• 17:30
  Speaker A: But I think I'm gonna be so amazed by my 3 year old at the time. I'm gonna be so, like, I'll be so happy and giddy that my newborn
• 17:38
  Speaker B: will be like, you maybe. Like, did you feel like when you were holding your baby, like I. Newborn baby, newborn baby. Really? At any stage. Like right now, I could hold Rocco and I could feel the same exact way that I felt when he was like, nursing on me. Like, just like, oh, my God. Serotonin, oxytocin. Like, I was just like, none of those.
• 17:54
  Speaker A: I don't have any of the A's or the S's.
• 17:56
  Speaker B: Like, you could give me a pill of ecstasy or you could let my kids suck my tit. And I would pick suck my tit
• 18:01
  Speaker A: because of that feeling is so insane to me. But that is why women breastfeed.
• 18:06
  Speaker B: Yeah.
• 18:06
  Speaker A: Because they have that. It's a feeling of something.
• 18:09
  Speaker B: And it really is. It's like the serotonin in your body.
• 18:12
  Speaker A: Meanwhile, if my son was always out, I'm like, your daddy just sucked this tit. Yeah, about three minutes ago. And now you're on it. Like, I have that mental state.
• 18:18
  Speaker B: Yeah. No, I mean, couldn't be me. It's ruined for ruined.
• 18:23
  Speaker A: But I had something else to say in terms of connection. I just feel like I'm hoping it's different with this, with the new newborn stage that I eventually go through. Because I'm in this place where I'm like, am I allowed to feel differently? Like, you ever feel like, are you allowed to feel a different way? Absolutely allowed to feel a different way. My body could feel a different way. But I also feel like this was the other point I was going to make. Like you felt this whole world in your hands. When. When I had him, it wasn't like even a. It was not even a disconnect. It was like a worrisome. It was like.
• 18:55
  Speaker B: Like my whole.
• 18:55
  Speaker A: Anytime he moved or made a sound, my body, like, went into shambles. Like I was in fight or flight. Yeah, it was weird.
• 19:02
  Speaker B: Well, I do think a lot of people feel that way too, where it's like, you bring home this new baby and you've never had this baby before. Like, any. Any weird noise they make, anything. Like, you are now in charge of someone else's life. Like, your whole entire life, you've been in charge of your life.
• 19:18
  Speaker A: Question. You're like, should I use A diaper now? Should I give him a bottle?
• 19:21
  Speaker B: And that's when, like, anxiety and obviously, like, postpartum and all hormones, I'm so prone to that. Right. So, like, I think that can make it so much harder to connect because all of those things are in your head. So it's like. So if you don't have any of that noise and you're really just focused on just, like, think about not thinking about any of those things. And I'm just looking at my baby like, I'm obsessed with you. Like, this is.
• 19:42
  Speaker A: You're also okay with, like, being in your house with your newborn and no one else. The world doesn't matter around you. I was, like, worried about going back to work.
• 19:50
  Speaker B: Right.
• 19:50
  Speaker A: I was worried about the travel back to work. I was worried about, like, who's gonna watch my kid? I was worried about, like, what is everyone else doing around me? Like, I'm in. I'm in touch in, like, ways away from family and friends. Like, no one's gonna come see me. Like, I cared more about that stuff too, and I think it occupied my brain a little bit.
• 20:05
  Speaker B: Yeah, fuck that.
• 20:07
  Speaker A: I love my baby.
• 20:08
  Speaker B: But I do think that it could change. Like, for your next baby, it might feel different because you are, like, a maternal person.
• 20:15
  Speaker A: I am. Right? So I was gonna ask you, do you feel that from me?
• 20:18
  Speaker B: I do. And didn't you always say, like, your friends would always be, like, you were, like, the mama bear?
• 20:21
  Speaker A: Yeah, like, I. I was.
• 20:23
  Speaker B: You take care of people.
• 20:24
  Speaker A: Like, I. I take care of people. But I wasn't like, oh, my God, you have a boo boo. Let me, like, put. I would be like, put a banana on it. You're fine.
• 20:31
  Speaker B: Yeah.
• 20:31
  Speaker A: Like, but that's kind of, like, maternal in a sense. We're like, you kind of just have to. Like, I was always the one, like, speaking up.
• 20:37
  Speaker B: Right.
• 20:38
  Speaker A: In a sense. And, like, taking care of people. But I'm not saying, like, wiping people's asses. Like, I wasn't doing that. That's, like, truly taking care of people. Like, I didn't have that.
• 20:48
  Speaker B: Yeah.
• 20:49
  Speaker A: But I definitely am maternal in the sense where, like, kids are attracted to me because I take care.
• 20:54
  Speaker B: Yeah. So maybe maternal instinct isn't something you're born with. Maybe it's something that grows every time you show up for your child.
• 21:02
  Speaker A: And, like, how do you think maternal instinct can kick in without kids? Like, what. What are you. What could be examples of?
• 21:08
  Speaker B: I mean, I think just, like, being nurturing. Like, if your husband is sick, like,
• 21:11
  Speaker A: oh, yeah, I'm all like, even people, like, anybody needs me.
• 21:15
  Speaker B: I'm there. You make soup for your neighbor. Like, that's being maternal. Like, just taking care of.
• 21:19
  Speaker A: I'm not baby. I don't. Baby, I'm. I can. Maternal.
• 21:22
  Speaker B: Being. Babying someone and being maternal, I think are two different things. I mean, they could go together, but I think.
• 21:28
  Speaker A: I think that's where it was. So, like, that was brought into when I had a baby. So. But I don't. That connection, like, I don't. I wish someone can describe it in words for me. Like what you felt like besides the word connection. Like, I wish there was, like, more to it that you can tell me. Like, can you give an example? I mean, like when you. When you eat a piece of chocolate cake when you're starving.
• 21:50
  Speaker B: Oh, I gotta think.
• 21:54
  Speaker A: I mean, not the chocolate cake example.
• 21:56
  Speaker B: No. But I like when you.
• 21:58
  Speaker A: When you have like a good meal.
• 21:59
  Speaker B: Like a drug. A drug.
• 22:01
  Speaker A: A drug.
• 22:01
  Speaker B: A happy. I mean, have you ever done Molly or ecstasy? Like that is holding your baby like when you.
• 22:07
  Speaker A: When your first, like two drinks when you're out.
• 22:10
  Speaker B: Yeah, like that happy high. Yeah.
• 22:12
  Speaker A: Okay.
• 22:12
  Speaker B: Happy on cloud nine. Nothing else matters besides this baby looking.
• 22:17
  Speaker A: I felt that way when I got pregnant.
• 22:20
  Speaker B: Like that happy high. Yeah.
• 22:21
  Speaker A: Because it was like a cool thing.
• 22:24
  Speaker B: Damn, everyone's different.
• 22:27
  Speaker A: Do you know any people that are like me or like you?
• 22:30
  Speaker B: Yeah, I know. I know both.
• 22:33
  Speaker A: Different experiences.
• 22:34
  Speaker B: Yeah. For our viewers, we want to know what type of connection you had with your newborn. Yeah.
• 22:38
  Speaker A: Dying and. No, because I feel like I talk to a lot of people who are like, I love the newborn stage and I talk to people. But there's. But you have to remember, like, there's so many stages of having a newborn. Like, you could had had a crazy birth. You could have had a traumatizing pregnancy. You could have. You could have a bad family environment. You could have. Not a good dad coming into play. You can have no grandparents that aren't in the picture. Then you have this baby. You could not financially be okay. You could, you know, also physically.
• 23:07
  Speaker B: Physically you're not well. Like, you're either bleeding, you have cuts, you have wounds, you've just been torn open. Like, you're not. You're not one of those things. Life doesn't stop.
• 23:16
  Speaker A: That was my thing. Like, everyone expected my life to move on and I just wanted my life to stand still. Like, you're not afraid to be. Like, I'm not coming to your baby shower for the next five years.
• 23:25
  Speaker B: I'm never coming out of your baby shower.
• 23:26
  Speaker A: Meanwhile, I bought an extra extra large pair of pants and moved on with my life. In three weeks. Bleeding out of my incision. Yeah, like, I just don't have that in me.
• 23:36
  Speaker B: Say no. All you have to do is say no.
• 23:38
  Speaker A: I can't.
• 23:38
  Speaker B: It's a golden word. No means no.
• 23:41
  Speaker A: But anyway, I just feel like I, I, I don't know what else to say. I, I want things to be different. I do want to feel that connection, but also like I don't give a fuck if I did it.
• 23:50
  Speaker B: You're a great mom. And now looking back like you have a two year old, right? So like, you know, you're so in love with him, you have a connection with him now.
• 23:58
  Speaker A: I know I'm doing what I'm doing.
• 23:59
  Speaker B: Does that really matter? Having that connection right at birth or not?
• 24:02
  Speaker A: It didn't matter.
• 24:03
  Speaker B: It grew, it grew over time. So I think if you're going through it right now and you're in the trenches, you just had a baby and you're not really feeling that connection, just know that it's okay.
• 24:12
  Speaker A: And I honestly don't think it's the baby. I think it's all you. Yeah. I think it's all your mental state, your physical state, and I think that has everything to do with whether you're going to have that connection. I don't think it's, you don't want this baby. I don't think it's. No.
• 24:25
  Speaker B: But I think those things could play into it because if you didn't, then don't get pregnant. Well, you know, accidents happen.
• 24:30
  Speaker A: No, I don't believe in accidents.
• 24:32
  Speaker B: Accidents happen.
• 24:35
  Speaker A: Accidents happen. Your husband comes inside of you. You didn't know.
• 24:39
  Speaker B: I mean, maybe not.
• 24:42
  Speaker A: You probably didn't know. So anyway, I just feel like I really want to just express to the moms that are afraid of giving birth and having a newborn what you're going to be as a mom, who you're going to be as a mom, what you're going to feel if you're going to have that connection. If you're not every single thing in that circle, it doesn't matter. You're not different from the rest.
• 25:02
  Speaker B: You're. And it's okay, it's okay to have
• 25:04
  Speaker A: everything, to feel all the feels and just know that it gets better and just know there's nothing wrong with you and you don't have to feel how society wants, right, how your society makes you.
• 25:18
  Speaker B: I think that's the thing, like social media and everything, it makes, it's like,
• 25:20
  Speaker A: you see the videos Rainbows and butterflies crying. I'm like, when I. I was like, I'm going to puke. I'm literally going to puke. When it was on my chest.
• 25:28
  Speaker B: Yeah.
• 25:29
  Speaker A: Like, literally. It depends on your experience. Like, it depends on who you are. Like, and I'm telling you, like, I even say this out loud. I'm like, I was counting down the months. One month, two month, three months. And then he became two and a half years old. I'm like, I'm obsessed. I can't wait till he's play sports.
• 25:43
  Speaker B: I have a hard time with that because I don't like wishing away time.
• 25:46
  Speaker A: I. I' wishing away time.
• 25:47
  Speaker B: I'm just watching grow and I'm counting. I get it. I totally get it.
• 25:51
  Speaker A: There's so much time.
• 25:52
  Speaker B: I mean, I think that way when I wake up at 5am Like, I can't wait until bedtime. But it's like wishing away time. It's like, just enjoy the stage you're at with your kid while you're at it. Because it goes by so fucking fast.
• 26:04
  Speaker A: It does for you. I feel like it's going by fast too fast.
• 26:07
  Speaker B: I had no kids yesterday because Rocco did a Discovery Day and he went to camp.
• 26:14
  Speaker A: I called you hysterically. Wait, no. Happy, sad.
• 26:19
  Speaker B: We're gonna. This is gonna be the last segment. Cause we gotta wrap this up. But you have girlfriends for a reason. And you have a husband for a reason. I'm not really sure why right now.
• 26:30
  Speaker A: We don't know why we have husbands right now.
• 26:32
  Speaker B: But I have to say my husband's emotional capacity is as shallow as a fucking.
• 26:36
  Speaker A: I don't even get it. That I understand.
• 26:39
  Speaker B: But wait, so I. So I called Dom. I literally had no kids at home. For the first time in five years. I've never had no kids at home. I didn't know what to do with myself. I didn't know if I should cry, if I should laugh, if I should go shopping, if I should. What should I do? If I should sit, watch a show, get my vibrator out. What should I do? I don't know what to do.
• 27:01
  Speaker A: I love the vibrator at 2 in the afternoon.
• 27:03
  Speaker B: I mean, yeah, there was no one in the house. What else is there to do? But. But so I was like, dom, like, I have no kids. Like, I should go make a baby right now. Right?
• 27:13
  Speaker A: Can I tell you what she did do though? She put on her fucking rubber ducky gloves, got Clorox and toothbrushed, scrubbed the
• 27:20
  Speaker B: shit out of my house.
• 27:21
  Speaker A: And I go, you're not clean. Now, mind you, for our viewers, you know that she's not a cleaner, and I'm a cleaner. And I'm like, you don't have a toothbrush in your hand with rubber gloves, and you're cleaning the grit on the bathroom floor.
• 27:29
  Speaker B: I was getting the grit, and it felt so therapeutic. I haven't until now. I blasted music. I had something about having rubber gloves on. I was like, yeah, I'm yellow ones, too. And like, I had Clorox bleach. Is that bad?
• 27:42
  Speaker A: Yeah, so bad.
• 27:43
  Speaker B: So good.
• 27:43
  Speaker A: So bad.
• 27:44
  Speaker B: And I just cleaned the motherfucking shit out of my house. And I was like, oh, my God, my kids are going to destroy this. But it felt good at the time.
• 27:53
  Speaker A: I'm happy for you.
• 27:54
  Speaker B: Yeah.
• 27:54
  Speaker A: So, anyway, moral of the story, connection is connection. No matter how you feel it.
• 27:58
  Speaker B: Yes.
• 27:59
  Speaker A: You can feel it. I mean, you just saw firsthand, like, I felt a certain way and you felt a certain way. And I think a lot of it has to do with postpartum.
• 28:06
  Speaker B: Yeah.
• 28:06
  Speaker A: And definitely what you release after having a baby, what you go through really. And it gets better. And we're all good moms, and we all love our kids. And just because she's saying she loves the newborn stage and I didn't. Doesn't make us different.
• 28:19
  Speaker B: No, it doesn't make. I. I think people. People are so bent out of shape about is like, the. They're feeling that.
• 28:25
  Speaker A: All they're hearing is, you don't love.
• 28:27
  Speaker B: You don't love your kid. And it's like, of course not. I love my kid. It's. And it's not like I love my kid more because I was more connected. That's not the case.
• 28:34
  Speaker A: I love my kid more than you love yours.
• 28:36
  Speaker B: You want a fist bite?
• 28:37
  Speaker A: Yeah. So anyway, connections are real and not real.
• 28:43
  Speaker B: Everything's a facade.
• 28:44
  Speaker A: Everything's a facade. We live in a video.
• 28:45
  Speaker B: Mama, clock out. Bye. Okay, bye. Love you.