Latest / The Spectrum / The Problem With Pronouns
Transcript
- Linda: Hello and welcome to the spectrum. She, he, they, it. some of these words are more than a thousand years old. So why are so many people up in arms about pronouns in 2026? Before we can answer that, we need to dig into exactly what a pronoun is. According to Merriam Webster, a pronoun is any of a set of words such as I, she, he, you, it, we or they in a language that are used as substitutes for nouns or noun phrases, and whose reference are named or understood in the context. English pronouns are something of a relic from old English. And that they retained gender, something the rest of English eventually lost as it changed over the centuries. English used to have gender in words. Old English was similar to modern German, having three genders, masculine, feminine, and neuter. The meaning of a word often gave no clue as to what its gender was. The one place where gender lingers in English is in our pronouns, and that's because it's useful to make it clear who is being referred to. If English had lost gender and pronouns completely, we might end up saying something like, John went to the store, I asked it to pick up some milk. That just sounds wrong to a modern English speaker. It probably would sound disrespectful and literally objectifying. So we retain gender in English. We have he him and she her for singular third person pronouns, but Wait, some non-binary people who do not identify as either masculine or feminine want to use they and them as a third-person singular pronoun. I've heard people say this bothers them because they and them are third-person plural pronouns. They're supposed to be used when you're talking about more than one person. And interestingly, these plural usages have lost their gender. We use they them for men and women and mixed groups. In English, gender only matters in the singular, not the plural. If we stop to think about it, many people use they or them as a singular pronoun when they don't know the gender of the person they're talking about. Maybe something like the delivery person damaged the package When they dropped it at the front door. It isn't even a new thing. It's seen in writing dating back to the thirteen hundreds. I can't say this is universal, but it's very common. I've certainly done it, and I've done it for essentially the same reasons a non-binary person might want to use it. I didn't know whether the person was a he or a she. But a non-binary person doesn't really feel like a he or a she. So why shouldn't they? They be able to use they. Saying it's a plural pronoun may be technically true, but it's also in such widespread use that it's also technically true to say that the textbooks just need to be updated. In fact, Merriam Webster already says it's okay to use they or them as a singular third-person pronoun. We already have precedent for this in English. In old English, there were several forms of the second person pronoun. There was a singular form, a plural form, and even a form for referring to exactly two people. All of that complexity eventually simplified down to one word that is used for both singular and plural usage. That word is you. That Oversimplification has probably gone too far, and many try to work around it with phrases like you all or y'all. It's not being sloppy, it's actually trying to bring some precision back to the language. My point is that we already have cases where we're perfectly content to use existing pronouns in non-textbook but common usage. So it really shouldn't be hard to accept someone asking to be referred to as they in the singular. The alternative is to make up a new word. And some have tried this, but the challenge is people then have to learn the word. And while that happens, it's relatively rare. It's much more common for people to adapt existing words and give them new uses. And we've already done this with they. Using it as a genderless singular pronoun may not be ideal from a neatness perspective, but we've got plenty of precedent with the word you that people can adapt to. This. In truth, people didn't adapt to it, they adapted the language. People used it, and if enough people picked it up, then it was the new normal. It really shouldn't be a big deal. The other option is a new word like Z, but that probably has a higher barrier to overcome, to become commonly used. Languages aren't static. Modern English looks nothing like the Old English of a thousand years ago, and even the Middle English of seven hundred years ago would be challenging for us to understand. Languages change over time, and the meaning of words shift. For example, hundreds of years ago, the word girl referred to a child of either sex. It was only later that it became restricted to females, and male children became boys. However, humans are resistant to change. I used to work as a software performance engineer. Many software people used the word performant to refer to something that performed well. I didn't like this word because I thought it was made up. It's possible it was in some dictionaries, but it wasn't in the one I consulted at the time. Because of that, it bothered me, despite the fact that I knew exactly what the word meant. Now whether it was a modern construction of the old word perform with the old ANT suffix, or it was just rarely used before modern software engineering, I don't know. But I was resistant to it in the early two thousands, at least until I got over myself and realized it was a word that clearly conveyed its meaning, and that was what mattered. It was time for me to get off my pedantic high horse and get on the language train. If you've ever used they when talking about a single person when you didn't know the gender of that person, or you've ever said you all or some variant, then you're already there. If you know someone who uses they them and you deliberately refuse to use those pronouns, then to be blunt, you're choosing to be a jerk and not respect what another person is telling you about themselves. See, I just did it right there, themselves is a singular reference, and you were probably perfect. Fine with it, unless you were an English teacher. The jerk behavior becomes even more obvious when gendered pronouns are used. Some people are resistant to telling us their pronouns or to being receptive when being told someone else's. See my episode Polite Words, Real Exclusion, to learn about a time when my help was rejected because I put she, her in an email signature. I don't know why this would bother someone. It seems like simple courtesy to me to have someone tell me their pronouns. Often it's obvious, but there are plenty of times when it isn't. Think of those times when you weren't sure whether someone was a he or a she, and how uncomfortable it made you. For some reason we don't like to misgender people, except for those who take delight in deliberately misgendering trans people. Have you ever accidentally misgendered someone? Have you ever called a woman sir or a man ma'am? Did you feel really awkward and uncomfortable when you realized your mistake? How did you feel when it happened to you? About the only times it's considered okay to deliberately misgender someone seems to be the boot camp drill sergeant or the sports coach who seem to delight in calling the men they're dealing with ladies to motivate them to be more rugged or athletic. At least if Hollywood's portraying these situations accurately. anywhere else it's definitely considered rude. So, why is it different with transgender people? Why wouldn't we try to use the pronouns someone tells us are the right ones for them? See, it happened again. It's such a simple thing, and it can make someone feel accepted and validated. It contributes so much to someone's emotional well-being, and it costs us so little, just the effort to change a word. The flip side is that failing to respect what that person is telling us is like jabbing a knife into their side. Each deliberate time we misgender someone, we tell them we don't believe them and we don't value them as a human being enough to even try to understand them. Why would anyone choose deliberately to do that to another person? And I'm not talking about accidental misgendering. People can usually tell the difference between a mistake and something done deliberately. It can be challenging for anyone who has known someone for years, even decades, to change their mental model of that person. But as long as we try, that's what matters. The other challenge is we all react to voice subconsciously. I see it happen all the time. I've been guilty of it myself, and I'm actively trying to prevent it. Mistakes happen. What matters is that we're trying. If we correct ourselves and move on, then we'll probably be forgiven. This episode is titled The Problem with Pronouns. And I think what we've seen is that English does have some structural difficulties with certain pronouns. For example, we lack a distinct, genderless, third-person singular pronoun that is suitable for people. But Those difficulties predate recognition of transgender and non-binary people by centuries. The real problem is people not wanting to make the effort to respect the truth that a trans person tells them. Don't be that person. Don't jab a linguistic knife into the side of someone. Pronouns are simple words, and we can choose to use them to hurt or to heal. Every time you choose to use the correct pronoun for someone, you make them feel seen and respected, and before long it'll be second nature to you. Isn't that worth a little effort? I hope this helps you understand why these little words are such a big deal. If it does, and you're watching on YouTube, please like and subscribe. That's the best way we have to get YouTube to recommend this content to those that need to see it. If you prefer an audio podcast, this is available in most podcatcher apps. If you have a story or experience about the LGBTQIA plus experience that you'd like to share, contact me at spectrumpodcasthost at gmail.com. If we can put faces and voices to the stories of our lives, if we can humanize the subject for those people to whom it's just an abstract thing, we can help promote acceptance. Coming out stories can be particularly effective. If you need to be anonymous, that can be done. 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