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Mental Mondays with Black Girl Interrupted · Black Girl Interrupted Podcast

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Let's drop another. Hey, Hey, Hey, what's up? What's up?
• 0:42
  What's up? Everybody is your favorite girl from the five
• 0:45
  or four baby, bring y'all another episode up Black Girl
• 0:49
  interrupted tonight tonight, tonight. We are still doing our mental
• 0:54
  health check ins tonight. When I tell y'all, I I
• 0:58
  let me hold up, y'all, give me just one moment.
• 1:01
  Let me get up here, let me let me see
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  what's ah. Come on, come on, come on, y'all been
• 1:07
  with me. I should have had all of this together.
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  I don't know why be acting crazy with me sometimes,
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  but it's cool. It's cool. We gonna we're gonna get
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  it together. We gonna get it. We gonna get it together,
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  right now, all right, all right, all right, here we go,
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  Here we go, here we go. All right, all right,
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  all right, all right, and welcome back. Let me go
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  ahead and say this, y'all, welcome back to another episode
• 1:34
  of Black Girl. Interrupt that podcast. It is your girl
• 1:37
  Ash bringing you another episode of my mental health check in.
• 1:42
  So everybody, that's new, y'all tapping with your girl, tapping
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  with your girl. I don't know what's going on with
• 1:48
  the audio, but y'all let me know if you can
• 1:50
  hear me. Let me go back. I think it's working.
• 1:54
  Let me see, let me see if we got some action. Yeah,
• 1:58
  we got some action, all right. I just had to
• 2:00
  make sure because my audio was acting real crazy. But
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  everybody again, my name is Ashley. I am the host
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  and the creator of Black Girl Interrupted podcast. Tonight, I'm
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  bringing y'all our mental health check in. Let me first
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  apologize for having to push last night's show back. I
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  was actually supposed to go live last night, but I
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  had to push it back because your girl is trying
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  to go back to school. So I had some things
• 2:26
  that I had to finish up with regards to getting
• 2:29
  my transcripts and things like that uploaded. So that way,
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  I'm not waiting and rushing til the last minute to
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  get things submitted because your girl is trying to go
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  back to school. But for the people that are new
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  to my life, to my panel, to my channel. Every Monday,
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  I'm doing my mental health check ins for those that
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  don't know, for those that are new, I get on
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  here to share my mental health experience. Insists not only
• 3:01
  just as a release for me, but as a way
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  to encourage other people to know that it's okay to
• 3:09
  not be okay sometimes. Oh y'all, bear with me because
• 3:16
  I have some of the most amazing news for y'all.
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  So many of you know or that don't know. I
• 3:25
  had my mammogram done on June the nineteenth. On June teenth,
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  y'all had my mammogram done. Some things didn't look good,
• 3:34
  so I had to go back in today for not
• 3:36
  only another mammogram, but a diagnostic ultra sound. And I
• 3:41
  am eagerly and excited to tell y'all everything is good.
• 3:46
  Doc says, everything looks good. They're just I do have
• 3:49
  assist in each breast, but he said they could just assist.
• 3:55
  He doesn't foresee them going into anything else. But of
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  course I asked a lot of questions because my mother's
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  a breast cancer survivor. So he says, you know, just
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  going forward, I will forever, you know, going forward, I
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  will have to do not only the mammogrant, but an
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  ultrasound as well, just to make sure that they have
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  not grown. They have not grown. So yay, I'm so
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  happy for that. Thank God for that, because man, when
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  I tell y'all, I was worried. I'm gonna be honest
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  with y'all, Man, your girl was scared. I was really
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  truly scared. But I am happy to report that everything
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  is good. No cancer here, nothing, Everything is good. Will
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  just be watching these masks and make sure that they
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  do not grow. But on another positive note, I'm happy
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  to see y'all. I'm happy to see y'all. I'm still here.
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  You know I made it. It has been thirty six
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  days since my last attempt, and I'm doing good. I'm
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  doing very well. I will say every day gets easier
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  for me. I am moving in a better mental space,
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  a mental capacity. I'm doing very well, So I'm very
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  excited about that. He's us. Congratulations on your pregnancy, baby.
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  You gotta message me and tell me what you're having.
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  But I get on here and I share my mental
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  health struggles again. I want to encourage somebody. I want
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  to empower somebody. I want to uplift somebody that it's
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  okay to not be okay, it's okay to talk about it,
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  it's okay for therapy. I also do want to let
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  y'all know that I do have resources, because I know
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  when it comes to mental health in the black community,
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  those resources can be very scarce. They can be very
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  difficult to find some people are afraid. But I'm here
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  to tell y'all, therapy is everything. When I tell you,
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  therapy has truly helped me to move out of the
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  dark space and move back into the light where I
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  could be seen, where I could be celebrated, because being
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  in adult that's not where you want to be. And
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  I want people to start taking a mental health seriously.
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  You know, just the other day, I'm not sure if
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  you guys are familiar with young Noble from the Outlaws
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  who recently passed away due to If I'm not mistaken,
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  I believe some mental health struggles. He did decide to
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  step in and be God. You understand. So I will
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  forever get on these platforms. I will forever shout from
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  the rooftops and advocate for mental health in the black
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  community because I know how it is. I know it's rough.
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  I know people don't want to hear about it, people
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  don't want to talk about it. People that are afraid.
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  And I understand why you're a free because a lot
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  of people don't mean you're no good. A lot of
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  people don't and it makes it hard, especially for my
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  black men. Mental health is a struggle for them. A
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  lot of black men don't feel safe because us women,
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  you understand, can be so can be so cruel at times.
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  My sister says, I'm so glad I called. You definitely
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  need resources. I haven't been the same since my mother
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  passed away, and I agree. You know, after I lost
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  my father, my mentor wasn't good either. I didn't have
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  a chance to grieve. I couldn't grieve, you know, I
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  had to get up. I had to go play in
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  a funeral. I had to you know, I'm in Texas.
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  My father passed away in Alabama. I had to go
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  from Texas to Alabama by myself. I had no support
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  when it came to trying to deal with and process
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  the loss of my father. I didn't have that. So
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  I decided to create a space for black men and
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  black women where we could come in and we talk.
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  It's a safe space for us. There's no judgment in
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  this space. I don't allow this respect in this space
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  because I know how imperative it is when it comes
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  to your mental health. Again, for those that are new,
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  welcome into a Black Girl interrupt the podcast. My name
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  is Ashley, and I share I'm so transparent with my
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  struggles and my issues that people are like, you're not
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  afraid of people judging. No, I'm not afraid of people
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  judging me. I share it. I'm transparent because again, I
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  want to encourage somebody. I want to uplift somebody, because
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  I want people to know it's okay to not be
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  okay all the time. It's okay. And I'm saying this
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  to my men. It's okay to be sad fellas. It's
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  okay to cry. That doesn't make you less of a man,
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  that makes you human. But I want everyone to be
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  in beautiful spaces. Mentally, I want us to heal. I
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  want you to pull those band DAIDs off. I want
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  you to heal from the traumas. I want you to
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  address those traumas. And I can again, I can only
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  speak for me when I say being able to be
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  open and be vulnerable has helped me tremendously. And I
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  promise I'm not gonna cry to night. I promise y'all
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  know wi'na get me on this platform to night cry
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  because y'all know I'm the biggest cry baby. My sister
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  hates us. She'd say God is good all the time,
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  and all the time, God is good, absolutely you know,
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  without God, and without therapy, and without a beautiful support system,
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  I don't know where I would be mentally. I get
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  on these apps and I see y'all talk about the
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  same thing all the time. But I never see spaces
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  where we can talk about mental health. I don't see
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  those spaces. I don't see a lot of those. Let
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  me correct myself. I don't see a lot of those
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  spaces where we're addressing mental health. I don't see a
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  lot of spaces where people are providing you resources to
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  get the therapy and the health that you need to
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  deal with your mental I don't see that, And that's
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  not a knock to anybody else's platform. I just know
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  me personally what I want to do. I want to
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  change the trajectory. I want people to know and understand
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  it's okay to not be okay. It's okay to self
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  isolate sometimes, it's okay to tell people no. It's okay
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  to set those boundaries and say, hold up, wait, I'm
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  not tolerating disrespect anymore. It's okay to do that. It's
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  okay to tell people, you know what, you're not getting
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  the same Ashley you got yesterday. You're not getting the
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  same Ashley you had last week. You're not getting the
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  same Ashley you had last month, last year, two years ago,
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  five years ago. I love you too, my baby, but
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  I want y'all to know that when it comes to
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  mental health, I need y'all to take it seriously. Anybody
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  that is going through something right now, my soul says,
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  she says, I love you for real, Sis, I love
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  you too, and I care about mmm mmm. Y'all not
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  gonna give me to day. I I y'all gonna have
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  me up here crying today. Y'all know we're not doing this,
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  but I want y'all to take care of your mental
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  I want anybody that's struggling right now, I want you
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  to know that I see you. I want you to
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  know that I love you. I want you to know
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  that you're worthy of any love that's given, You're worthy
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  to receive it. I want you to know, and I
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  say this every time, you're bigger than your pain. Let
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  your pain be a purpose. You understand your purpose is
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  bigger than your pain. Let me say that you deserve
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  to be here. You deserve everything that God bestows upon you.
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  You're worthy of that. You are beautiful, You are loved.
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  I need you. You understand I want to get to
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  know you. Let's let's hang out, let's let's do whatever.
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  But I also want you to know that I don't
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  mind clearing a space when the world gets a little
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  dark for you, I don't mind. You need me to
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  cry with you, let's cry. You need me to walk
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  with you, you need me to hold your hand. What
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  do you need me to do to help you get
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  over the hump? Because I'm gonna tell you, and I
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  said this on my last show last week, I would
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  rather sit and listen to your cry with me on
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  the phone than for somebody to call me and tell
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  me that you're gone. I want you to do that.
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  Call me. What do you need me to do? Send
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  me a message and say you know I asked. Today
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  is not a good day for me. What do you
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  need to ask you to do to help you get
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  over that hump? Mentally? Because we're all struggling mentally. Somebody
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  right now in is going through something and they don't
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  even know how to get through it. They don't even
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  know how to get over it. They don't even know
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  how to get around it. But what do I need
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  to do to help you? What do I gotta do.
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  What do I need to do for you? How can
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  I help you mentally? Because I can give you the resources.
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  I got resources. But anybody that's tuning in, drive me
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  a green heart and let me know. Do you need
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  resources for your mental health? Because I got a list
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  of them. I got a list of people you can contact.
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  I don't want anybody to feel like they embarrassed. I
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  don't want anybody to feel ashamed to say that they're
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  struggling mentally, because this is a conversation that has to
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  happen every day, not just in May, not just in June,
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  every day because people are unliving themselves every day. People
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  are doing that, and we don't even and and we
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  don't even take the time to see how a person
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  is doing. Because I'm gonna tell you why people stay
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  silent but don't talk and tell what's going on in
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  their lives because you know what, people can't wait to
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  use it against you later on down the line. So
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  people stay silent. People are embarrassed to tell people that
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  they're struggling, because people can't wait to go and tell
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  the next person that you're struggling. People can't wait. And
• 14:16
  then you wonder why that rate is going high. A
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  lot of people don't understand that is the third leading
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  cause in the black man's community. For the black men,
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  that's the third leading cause of being expired, the third,
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  not the first, not the tenth, the third. Because men
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  have been told you don't say nothing. Y'all are men,
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  y'all are strong, y'all what you said about I want
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  you all to stop telling men that. I want us
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  as women, as people to start creating safe spaces for
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  people to come in and talk. And that's how I
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  came out with black Girl interrupted the podcast because I'm
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  a black girl that dealt with a lot of interruptions
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  and I'm still dealing with them, but I'm learning how
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  to wade through it. I'm learning how to maneuver. I'm
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  learning how that when things get a little dark for me,
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  I need to take a step back and I need
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  to regroup and I need to refocus what they say,
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  I need to relax, relate, and release, And that's what
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  we gotta do. So if anybody is going through anything
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  right now, I want to love on you for just
• 15:31
  a moment. I just I want to pour into you.
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  I want to encourage you. I want to empower you.
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  I want to uplift you that no matter how dark
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  your day scenes, God will always give you a flashlight
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  to make it through the dark. God will always provide
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  the way. And I can only say that for me
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  because thirty plus days ago, I'm sitting in a hospital room.
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  Thirty plus days ago, I was sitting in the hospital
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  room because I had attempted to get on up out
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  of here. And I did that because in that moment, y'all,
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  I felt so weak, I felt so vulnerable, I felt
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  so helpless. I felt like I was a burden to people.
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  I didn't feel like I was a blessing to anybody,
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  not even to my children. But I'm gonna take you
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  one thing. I'm always keep fighting for my mental I'm
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  gonna always keep fighting to stay in a safe space.
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  I'm always keep fighting for the people that look like
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  me or you. I'm gonna always keep advocating and keep
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  telling you that it's okay to not be okay. I
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  want you to know that it's okay to not be okay.
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  I want you to know that your mental health matters
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  to me. I want you to know that you matter
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  to me. I want you to know that people around
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  you love you. There are people around here that need you.
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  You're needed, You're wanted, So please don't allow those thoughts,
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  those intrusive thoughts, the thoughts that don't even belong make
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  you feel differently. I want you to know that, I
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  want you to understand that mental health does matter. I do,
• 17:20
  and I'm if at any given time that you feel
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  like things are dim, call me, let's talk. You want
• 17:32
  to go have coffee, you want to go meet for lunch, dinner?
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  What do I need to do? I don't want phone
• 17:39
  calls like that. You know. I was talking to my
• 17:43
  husband the other day and my husband told me, he said,
• 17:45
  you know, he say, my biggest fear is me coming
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  home and finding you, or I'm at work and get
• 17:55
  a phone call that someone's found you. Do y'all know
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  how hard that is to hear. So I gotta fight
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  for my mental I want y'all to fight for your
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  mental I want you to know you're wanted on this side.
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  You're wanted on this side. Don't go, Please don't leave
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  your shit. You know, my sister says big facts. She say,
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  every listening ear is not a listening ear for help,
• 18:28
  It's an ear to gain godsip of tea. She said, Unfortunately,
• 18:32
  this statement is sad, but it's the truth. And this
• 18:35
  is why a lot of people don't talk. It's because
• 18:38
  of that. Y'all. Double tap the screen, share the live baby,
• 18:42
  tell your people we in here. We're doing our mental
• 18:44
  health check ins. I want to know how you're feeling.
• 18:46
  I want to know how you're doing today. Let's talk
• 18:48
  about it. What are you feeling? What a you're not feeling?
• 18:54
  Today is Tuesday? How is your day been today? What
• 18:57
  are you grateful for? What didn't you get accomplished today?
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  That we're gonna work on tomorrow. That's what we're gonna do.
• 19:08
  We're working on our mental Oh j And if you
• 19:13
  I'm feeling hongry, girl, you're always homeward sleep Because how
• 19:17
  are you feeling? Baby? How are you feeling mentally? How
• 19:19
  are you feeling mentally? I know today is Tuesday, but
• 19:22
  how are you feeling mentally? I want to know how
• 19:24
  was everybody feeling to day? I could tell y'all honestly, honestly, honestly,
• 19:30
  I'm in a better space today than I was a
• 19:33
  couple of days ago. I'm in a better space than
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  I was thirty plus days ago when I attended, when
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  I sat those bottles in front of me, and you
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  know what, and I like that answer, she says. I
• 19:50
  can't answer that right now, she said, because I don't know.
• 19:53
  I don't know how I'm feeling. Even though you don't know,
• 19:59
  how are you feeling yes today? And I can ask
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  her that because I know this girl. I know this
• 20:04
  lady or what twenty plus years I know this lady,
• 20:08
  And I want you all to be okay. I want
• 20:15
  you to start taking your mental health seriously. I miss
• 20:19
  you too, baby, I miss you. We got to catch up.
• 20:24
  Life has been lifeing for me, you know, but I
• 20:30
  want you to know it's okay to not be okay.
• 20:34
  I want you to know that you got a friend
• 20:35
  with me. I want you to know that I will
• 20:38
  forever pour into you, that I will love on you.
• 20:43
  That I'm here. I feel better, she says, you're looking
• 20:48
  sound so much better. Let me tell you, thirty plus
• 20:52
  days ago, I didn't. I didn't feel good. I didn't
• 20:58
  I was overwhelmed. I had been triggered. I was spiraling
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  out of control until finally I said, you know, I
• 21:10
  gotta put it into this. I gotta stop this pain.
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  Because I'm hurting bad. And when I say I'm hurting,
• 21:18
  I'm hurting bad. I mean to the point where I
• 21:22
  sat six bottles in front of me, y'all, and I said,
• 21:27
  any many minmo. Yeah. I was ready to go. Baby
• 21:38
  on Junior third, baby, I was ready to go. And
• 21:40
  there was nothing y'all could convince me to make me stay,
• 21:44
  not even my children. And so when I went on
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  to the hospital, I sat in that room and I
• 21:55
  prayed and I prayed and I prayed, and I asked God.
• 21:57
  I say, God, whatever you do, just don't take your
• 22:02
  hands off of me. Please don't take your hands off
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  of me. Please don't, because God, I don't know how
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  i'm'na make it. God told me, he said, I've been
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  with you the whole step. He said, I've been with
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  you every step of the way. I never left you.
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  I just took a step back because you thought you
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  had it all figured out. So God says, I'm gonna
• 22:29
  let you figure this out on your own. So God
• 22:32
  stepped back. He took it. He watched me until I
• 22:37
  crashed and burned, until the only person I had was him.
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  He was the only person, y'all. My glass is starting
• 22:45
  to fall up. He was the only person that I
• 22:48
  could go to out of everything. He was the only
• 22:52
  person I could go to. God and said, you keep
• 22:55
  running to everybody else except for who you really truly
• 22:58
  needed to run to, and that was him. So God says,
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  if I get you out of this slump, will you
• 23:08
  come back? And God laid everything out for me. God says,
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  this is what you will leave if you go, my children,
• 23:24
  my husband, my sisters, my friends, my associates. I would
• 23:31
  be leaving a lot if I left. So God says,
• 23:36
  you be to fight or you're throwing a towel. I
• 23:41
  told God. I said, no, I'm a fight. I'm a fight,
• 23:48
  and not only for them, but for me. I had
• 23:54
  to fight for me. I have been fighting for everybody else,
• 23:58
  but I stopped fighting for me. So God says, as
• 24:07
  long as you keep fighting, I'm gonna fight with you.
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  So here I am, thirty plus days later, still here,
• 24:14
  still here on this side because God could have took me.
• 24:21
  But God said, you got some more living to do.
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  So I share that with y'all because y'all have a
• 24:27
  lot of more living to do. Not only do we
• 24:31
  need you, but you need yourself. I know it's hard.
• 24:34
  I know it's rough, and I know sitting in and
• 24:37
  contemplating is the easiest thing for us to do because
• 24:42
  we feel like that's the only thing we could do.
• 24:46
  But I got back into my prayer. I got back
• 24:49
  into my word and I started praying, and I started
• 24:52
  asking God. I say, God, if you get me out
• 24:55
  of this, I promise I won't come back this way.
• 24:57
  I promise. I put that on everything. I won't come
• 25:02
  back this way. God. If you keep me, if you
• 25:06
  hold me until I'm safe to walk by myself, I'll stay.
• 25:13
  I'll keep fighting. I'll keep fighting. So I'm here in
• 25:19
  a fight, and I want you all to stay. I
• 25:22
  want your to fight. I want you to stay here
• 25:26
  because you're needed. I want your to know that, regardless
• 25:29
  of what people have said about you, you are worthy
• 25:32
  of everything that God can give you. And God provides. Baby,
• 25:36
  I'm henna tell you. God provides. God just told me
• 25:39
  today that no cancer is here. No cancer, you understand none.
• 25:47
  God is an awesome God. He's an amazing God. But
• 25:51
  you gotta fight. You gotta stay in the battle if
• 25:53
  you want to win. I want you to start taking
• 25:58
  your mental health seriously. Hey, big dad, Hi, Oh, you
• 26:04
  look at you, not the trip and fault. You're coming
• 26:06
  over here to say hi, look at my husband. Y'all
• 26:10
  there is okay, that's enough, have a good day, X
• 26:15
  the stage less, leave me alone. Anyway, He just had
• 26:20
  to stop it. But I do want you to know,
• 26:24
  my sister says, at this point, I just don't know
• 26:28
  if I'm stronger numb. Just lost my mom's brother. After
• 26:32
  losing my mom in August and her sister, her aunt
• 26:35
  last January, last six months apart, she said, yeah, I'm numb.
• 26:41
  I think right now you're in shock, and right now
• 26:45
  you just you're still trying to process your emotions. That's
• 26:49
  what that is. You're still trying to process everything because
• 26:52
  it seems as soon as you get over one hum,
• 26:55
  here comes another monkey wrench coming your way. But what
• 26:57
  did God say? God says, no weapon formed against you
• 27:00
  shall have a prosper God says they'll form, but they
• 27:05
  won't prosper because, let me tell you, you're here. My
• 27:15
  sister says, He's a miraculous God and all time God
• 27:18
  absolutely because let me tell you, God shows up. He
• 27:23
  shows up. I know. It's like I say, I know
• 27:28
  it's easy. I know it's easy to say. You know
• 27:31
  what I'm done. I'm throwing in a towel. I don't
• 27:33
  want to do this anymore. I'm tired of fighting. Life
• 27:35
  ain't worth living. Yes it is. You'll find that one
• 27:39
  thing in life that's worth fighting for, and we're gonna
• 27:42
  fight it together. Baby. Let me tell you something. Depression
• 27:45
  can't live here with us no more. Anxiety can't stay
• 27:48
  here with us no more. It has to go. That
• 27:51
  ain't nobody but the devil telling you that you need
• 27:56
  to do this. But then God turns around and says, so,
• 28:02
  I'm learning to give everything to God. You understand. I'm
• 28:05
  learning whatever Lord gets too heaven for me, I'm gonna
• 28:08
  leave it right way, and saying I'm learning to be
• 28:12
  more open and more vulnerable. I'm learning to have a
• 28:16
  better space for people to come in and be safe
• 28:19
  with me instead of me just talking. Because guess what,
• 28:25
  whatever it is you're want through, we're gonna fight it
• 28:26
  together because I want you here. Now. Let me talk
• 28:31
  to my fellas because we just lost young Noble just
• 28:35
  a couple of days ago. He was a member of
• 28:37
  the Outlaws who unfortunately took his life. He underlived himself.
• 28:44
  Let me say this to my fellas, and I'm gonna
• 28:48
  apologize from one mother as if I'm talking to a son.
• 28:53
  I'm so sorry that, as a mother or as a female,
• 28:59
  that we don't get y'all safe spaces. I'm sorry for that.
• 29:02
  I apologize for that. I'm sorry that we don't allow
• 29:07
  you men to feel what it is that you need
• 29:09
  to feel. I apologize for that. Because you are human.
• 29:15
  You have every right to cry. You have every right
• 29:17
  to feel every emotion that you need to feel. You
• 29:21
  have every right and who am I to say you can't.
• 29:25
  So as a woman speaking to a man and from
• 29:28
  a mother speaking to a child, I'm sorry that I
• 29:34
  didn't allow you to be you. I'm sorry that I
• 29:38
  made you feel less than I'm sorry that I told
• 29:45
  you you couldn't cry because boys don't cry. I apologize
• 29:50
  for that. A lot of women will say, oh, you
• 29:53
  will pick me, you will pick me, Okay, call me
• 29:56
  whatever you want. But at the end of the day,
• 29:58
  I'm holding myself accountable fulfiling my son and not allowing
• 30:02
  my son to feel what he needed to feel. So
• 30:04
  I'm apologizing from a mother to a child that it's
• 30:08
  okay for you to feel what you need to feel
• 30:10
  my baby. It's cool. We need to be safe spaces
• 30:15
  for our friends. If we could gather and have gossiping conversations.
• 30:21
  Let's have conversations where we're sitting out and we're checking
• 30:24
  in on our quarte unquote strong friends. Let's check in
• 30:29
  with them. Let's start checking in. It only takes thirty
• 30:33
  seconds for you to send a text to tell somebody
• 30:35
  you know what, I love you, I'm thinking about you,
• 30:37
  I miss you. I hope you're having a beautiful day.
• 30:43
  Do you understand what that message, with that text, a
• 30:45
  phone call, a hug, will do to a person's life.
• 30:50
  You don't know who you're talking to. Everybody is going
• 30:53
  through something right now, you know, especially with everything that
• 30:56
  we see that's going on in the world, people out
• 30:59
  here struggling and can't tell nobody because people can't wait
• 31:02
  to go tell your business. People can't wait for that.
• 31:05
  I see it on these apps. These people get on
• 31:07
  these apps, and let me get on my soap box
• 31:11
  because I get on this app and I see y'all
• 31:13
  gossip about people, And then you wonder why people stay quiet.
• 31:18
  This is why people don't talk, because y'all love to
• 31:20
  weaponize what someone has told you against them later on
• 31:24
  down the line. And like I said last week, you
• 31:28
  can no longer hold my past on my face because
• 31:30
  I live in my truths now, So you can't hang
• 31:35
  it over my head no more. Because I've already taken
• 31:37
  accountability for that what I did ten years ago. You
• 31:41
  can't hold me accountable for that today because I've already
• 31:44
  owned it. I've eaten that. And no matter how many
• 31:47
  times you keep throwing it in my face, God keeps
• 31:50
  ducking and dodging them with me. You understand, Jane. If
• 31:53
  you says you can't trust nobody absolutely and that means family,
• 32:00
  to go no contact with family, It's okay to self
• 32:05
  isolate from your friends. It's okay to put those boundaries
• 32:10
  in place, because I need you to protect your peace
• 32:12
  at all costs. Because I'm gonna tell you something. Family
• 32:20
  will do your dirty than an enemy. Family will do
• 32:23
  your dirtier than a dog in the street. Do you
• 32:25
  hear me? And I can only speak that first hand
• 32:31
  because my mother, as much as I love my mother, y'all,
• 32:36
  my mother is dangerous to my mental My mother is
• 32:39
  a trigger for me. So I had to go no
• 32:42
  contact with her. I had to as hard as it was.
• 32:46
  Let me tell y'all, I grieved for three days because
• 32:54
  how can I go no contact with the woman that
• 32:56
  gave me life? How could I do that? How people say, oh,
• 33:04
  you're gonna regret it? My piece is it is everything
• 33:09
  to me. My sanity is everything. I am finally living
• 33:12
  in a life that's not so chaotic. I'm filing in
• 33:16
  a space mentally well. I could talk to y'all and
• 33:19
  I get so emotional. I could talk to you from
• 33:23
  a safe space. Now, I could love on you properly
• 33:26
  because I'm loving me. I'm putting me first. I'm taking
• 33:29
  care of Ashley first, and I need y'all to do that.
• 33:32
  Put you first, push everybody to the side, and take
• 33:36
  care of you, because you only get one life. And
• 33:38
  I'm gonna say this, like I said the other day,
• 33:40
  once life ends, there's no repeats. You can't rewind, you
• 33:44
  can't go back, you can't fix those little pieces that
• 33:47
  you thought you could have fixed. Make peace with it
• 33:49
  and keep going. And that's why I tell y'all, you
• 33:55
  can't hold my past to my face because I walk
• 33:56
  in my truths. Y'all know everything about me. I told
• 33:59
  y'all everything down to the color of the socks I
• 34:02
  got on today and they white. But I get on
• 34:07
  these platforms to encourage somebody not to get up paying
• 34:10
  gossip and point fingers, because again, I want to change
• 34:13
  the trajectory of what it looks like. I want us
• 34:16
  to hear from these traumas. I want us to release
• 34:19
  ourselves from me self made prisons that we made for ourselves.
• 34:22
  Do you understand. I want us to be able to
• 34:24
  walk away from it and not look back. I want
• 34:28
  you to be able to put it in that box
• 34:30
  and throw that box away. Trash runs tomorrow, put it
• 34:33
  out tonight. Jadaf says, God will always walk in to
• 34:39
  where the path is. You have to make the choice
• 34:40
  to walk it absolutely. And let me tell you something,
• 34:44
  I've walked in the dark by myself. I've had people
• 34:49
  turn their back on me. I've had people rob and
• 34:54
  steal from me. And I'm not talking about material. I
• 34:57
  mean my joy and my peace. Allow people to take
• 35:00
  that away from me. But I tell you one thing,
• 35:03
  you can't have it no more. You can't have it
• 35:06
  no more because guess what, You're gonna go, just like
• 35:10
  my depression is gonna go, just like my anxiety is
• 35:12
  gonna go, and everything and every other mental illness that
• 35:15
  we're struggling with is gonna go. We gonna even wear
• 35:19
  a sat We're gonna ball We're gonna write it down,
• 35:22
  We're gonna ball it up, and we're gonna throw it away.
• 35:23
  And we're not gonna walk back to it normal. Because
• 35:26
  you can't ask God to heal you if you keep
• 35:28
  walking back to what causes you. Pay somebody better say, man,
• 35:36
  you can't. You can't keep asking God to release you
• 35:39
  from jail and you keep trying to put the shapeles
• 35:41
  back on. Why Why are we doing this? Why are
• 35:50
  we asking to be free but still wanna be restrained?
• 35:54
  Why are we still accepting the bare minimum from people?
• 35:57
  You understand I'm not accepting the bare minimal. I'm gonna
• 36:00
  show people how to love me. I'm gonna show people
• 36:03
  how to treat me. I'm gonna keep showing people how
• 36:05
  to respect me. And if you can't abide by that,
• 36:09
  then I don't need you in my life and I
• 36:11
  need everyone else on this life. I need you to
• 36:13
  understand that. I need you to receive that because not
• 36:17
  everybody is good for your health. Let me repeat that,
• 36:21
  because I don't think anybody heard that. Not everybody is
• 36:24
  good for your health. And I'm not talking about your
• 36:26
  physical health. I'm talking about your emotional health, your mental health,
• 36:30
  your spiritual health. See y'all keep wanting people to come
• 36:34
  and pray over you. I don't want everybody to pray
• 36:36
  over me because I don't know what your spirit is.
• 36:39
  My mentalness already somewhat shaking, baby, And you think I
• 36:42
  need your bad energy having behind praying for me. A
• 36:46
  going over that with you and your bad spirits, going
• 36:49
  over the excess stage left, because we're not doing that
• 36:53
  no more. We're done accepting the minimum. We're done allowing
• 37:00
  people to tell us how other people can treat us.
• 37:02
  We're done doing that. It's time for us to keep
• 37:06
  our heads back up, put them back on the swivel, y'all.
• 37:09
  It's time for us to put our mental first. That's
• 37:14
  what it's time to do. It's time for us to
• 37:16
  take back our power that we've allowed people to take
• 37:19
  away from us. That affects your mental It's time for
• 37:24
  us to forgive people that have wronged us. Because guess what,
• 37:27
  you're still allowing and people to control you. You're still
• 37:30
  allowing and people to have power over you. You can't
• 37:33
  have power over me no more. Baby. You gotta let
• 37:35
  it go. So I forgive you. I forgive you for
• 37:40
  everything that I've done to you, and I apologize for
• 37:42
  everything that I've done to you. I own that. Anything
• 37:48
  to free myself mentally, I'm gonna do so. If I
• 37:51
  have the right wrongs with people that I did an
• 37:54
  injustice to, I apologize. I'm not doing this for lights
• 38:00
  and all of that. Like I said, I get on
• 38:02
  this platform to talk about what we don't address in
• 38:06
  our community, and that's mental health. We're so afraid to
• 38:10
  talk about it. But we can talk about what's going
• 38:13
  on on the baddies whatever baddies in Africa, I don't know,
• 38:18
  y'all know them reality shows. If we could get up
• 38:21
  here and we could pose about reality shows. Why we
• 38:23
  can't talk to each other about our mental Why can't
• 38:27
  you reach out to somebody and say, you know what, sis,
• 38:29
  I just want to tell you, I love you, baby,
• 38:30
  I'm thinking about you. Because you don't know what that Again,
• 38:34
  you don't know what that will do to a person's day.
• 38:35
  You don't know where a person is at right now mentally.
• 38:39
  It might be somebody right now. That's gonna get off
• 38:41
  my life and say, you know what, I'm finna end
• 38:44
  it right now. But I want you to fight. You
• 38:51
  don't know if somebody is a drive away, a drink
• 38:53
  away from exiting stage left. But I want you to stay.
• 39:00
  I want you to stay here. I want you to
• 39:01
  keep fighting for your mental because guess what, if I'm
• 39:07
  here and I can make it over, you can too.
• 39:12
  I'm what depression looks like. I'm what anxiety looks like. Yeah,
• 39:17
  I take a lot of pictures and I laugh and
• 39:19
  I'm joking. But behind those pictures and those eyes were
• 39:23
  a lot of tears, were a lot of pain. It
• 39:28
  was a lot of that, and I'm not shamed to
• 39:30
  share that with nobody. I'm not shamed to tell nobody
• 39:33
  that thirty plus days ago that I attempted my on
• 39:37
  myself seven times, y'all seven, with the most recent being
• 39:42
  thirty plus days ago, seven times because I was tired.
• 39:50
  My body was tired. I was tired of being there
• 39:54
  for everybody else and no one was here for me.
• 39:57
  I was depleted. I felt defeated. I felt that I
• 40:04
  felt and said, you know what, I'm a burden. Tell
• 40:07
  people I can't never do anything right. I'm tired of
• 40:10
  fighting to be accepted by people. I'm tired of fighting
• 40:13
  to be loved by people when I'm not even giving
• 40:15
  nothing of that to myself. I'm pouring from empty cups.
• 40:22
  I'm stepping up for everybody, but no one said for me.
• 40:25
  So I'm struggling alone. You know, I know people are like,
• 40:29
  but what about your husband? What about my sister circle too?
• 40:36
  I couldn't tell anybody that I was that depressed. I
• 40:41
  couldn't tell anybody that I was about to lose the
• 40:45
  battle because the last time I told somebody that, they
• 40:50
  told me they said, well, what are you depressed about hm?
• 40:57
  Instead of saying what's wrong? What can I do? How
• 41:00
  can I help you? So I sat in it alone.
• 41:06
  I was afraid. I was embarrassed to tell people because
• 41:08
  I didn't. Again, I didn't want people judging me. I
• 41:10
  didn't want people saying, well, what do you got to
• 41:13
  be sad? For a lot a lot. The weight of
• 41:20
  the world started to weigh me down. The broken relationship
• 41:25
  with my children started to weigh me down. Life started
• 41:33
  to weigh me down. My job, you know, started to
• 41:37
  weigh me down. My health, So I was tired of fighting.
• 41:45
  I was tired of fighting. So I said I'm done.
• 41:52
  I was ready to go. I had it all planned out.
• 41:55
  I sent a text message to my mother and told
• 41:57
  her what I wanted her to do. I told her
• 42:04
  what I wanted her to do. I was tired. I
• 42:06
  told her Mom, I can't go Nomer, I can't do
• 42:08
  this anymore. I just told her to take care of
• 42:14
  my children. That's what I told her. And when the
• 42:24
  police came, and when the police took me to the hospital,
• 42:29
  I prayed in the back of that police card. I prayed.
• 42:35
  I prayed the hardest I could ever pray. And again,
• 42:39
  I'm gonna tell you. I told God, I said, if
• 42:40
  you get me through this, I promise I won't come
• 42:42
  back this way again. I prayed, and I asked God.
• 42:49
  God said, I ain't never left you. You wanted to
• 42:56
  be big and grown and figure out what this out
• 42:58
  on your own. Now look at you. I said, I
• 43:03
  know God, But he said, no, ain't no button. I'm
• 43:08
  gonna get you out of this. Now, what are you
• 43:11
  gonna do for me? I got back into the Bible.
• 43:20
  I do my praise and worship every morning and every
• 43:23
  night before I lay down. I don't gauge how long
• 43:26
  I do a baby. I just do it. I just
• 43:28
  put on a little Kirk Franklin, a little Cecy Whiners,
• 43:32
  baby whoever I'm feeling in the moment, and I just
• 43:34
  let it go and I cried and I thank God
• 43:39
  that he kept me. And that's what I say to y'all. Stay.
• 43:46
  I want you to fight. I want you to stay
• 43:50
  in the battle. Baby. I know it's rough, I know
• 43:53
  it is, but God didn't prepare us for a war
• 43:56
  to leave us. I want people to know that therapy
• 44:03
  is not a bad thing. Going and speaking with somebody
• 44:11
  is helping me absolutely. And my sister says, He didn't
• 44:14
  bring you as far to leave it. And God don't
• 44:16
  ever bring you to a storm for you to get
• 44:18
  wet all the time. Sometimes God wants to test your faith.
• 44:22
  Sometimes God wants to see how strong you really truly are.
• 44:26
  Because we sit up here and say, oh God, I'm strong,
• 44:28
  I'm strong, I'm strong. I cann't do anything but the
• 44:30
  least little thing will break you. That's another reason why
• 44:37
  people don't talk. People love to judge and try to
• 44:44
  make it and emphasizes if they pain is bigger than yours.
• 44:48
  No pain is pain, baby, no matter how big or
• 44:51
  how small, pain it hurt. Period. It hurts sometimes when
• 44:59
  people call you. And I'm learning this myself. If something's
• 45:05
  bothering you, I'll be quiet. Let me just listen to you,
• 45:08
  because again, I would rather you call me crying on
• 45:11
  the phone, screaming, shouting, yelling, whatever it is. Then for
• 45:16
  somebody calling tell me that you're gonna That's what I
• 45:20
  would rather for you to do. You need me to
• 45:22
  let's cry together. It's been many a night I've sat
• 45:27
  up on the phone with my girlfriends three full five
• 45:31
  o'clock in the morning, crying because they going through it,
• 45:37
  and then I'm struggling. But then it's like, okay, once
• 45:40
  they drain me, I don't have anybody left to pour
• 45:43
  into me. So I've had to take a step back.
• 45:49
  I've had to reset, I've had to refocus. I've had
• 45:53
  to release and leave a lot of things where they are,
• 45:56
  and I've had to put boundaries in place because I
• 46:01
  have to protect my mental Because I'm here to tell y'all,
• 46:05
  depression can't live with us no more. Baby. Let me
• 46:07
  tell you something. We've allowed depression and anxiety to control
• 46:11
  our lives. We've allowed it to dictate how we act
• 46:16
  to people. Let me tell you, my mind was so horrible,
• 46:23
  was so terrible. I didn't know how to be a friend.
• 46:27
  I didn't know how to be a mother. I didn't
• 46:28
  know how to be a daughter. I didn't know how
• 46:30
  to be a sister unless you were hurting with me.
• 46:36
  And I would intentionally do things just so I wouldn't
• 46:40
  have to hurt alone. See some of y'all not ready
• 46:44
  for these big, grown up accountability conversations. But that's where
• 46:51
  my mental has been. I've allowed these thoughts to dictate
• 46:57
  my actions. And my response is it's over, girl. I'm depressed. Girl,
• 47:03
  is depression is just? I can't keep using depression as
• 47:07
  a crutch. I know you here, Sissy, I see you, baby,
• 47:11
  But I can't keep using my depression as a crutch
• 47:15
  to act like a butthole. I can't keep using it
• 47:19
  as a crutch to be evil to people. I can't
• 47:22
  keep using that as a way to keep garnering sympathy.
• 47:28
  At what point do I say, you know what, I'm
• 47:31
  tired of depression. I'm tired of being anxious all the time.
• 47:34
  I want happiness, I want peace, and I haven't when
• 47:44
  I tell you, I wake up every day a little lighter.
• 47:49
  Every day. I wake up just a little lighter every
• 47:51
  day I do. I try not to go to bed heavy,
• 48:00
  because when I go to bed heavy, I don't sleep good.
• 48:03
  Then my insignia kicks in and I'm up till five, six, seven,
• 48:06
  eight o'clock in the morning. Like hey, I don't want
• 48:12
  to be heavy anymore. I want to be free. I
• 48:17
  don't want my mental to keep me locked up now.
• 48:22
  I want to be free. I'm still dealing with the
• 48:30
  loss of my father. He's been going on four years.
• 48:32
  Over four years, but it gets easier for me. I'm
• 48:39
  rebuilding a bond with my children. It's been rough, but
• 48:44
  it gets easier every day. As long as my like
• 48:48
  my son told me, say, as long as you trying,
• 48:50
  I'm here. I'm trying to my daughter m I fight
• 49:02
  and I pray for her, my baby girl. I fight
• 49:08
  and I pray for her. My husband, I fight and
• 49:11
  I pray for him. But move more so, I fight
• 49:14
  and I pray for me, even when as far as y'all,
• 49:19
  I wrote myself a letter. I wrote myself an apology
• 49:23
  letter from the big meat to the little meat. You know.
• 49:29
  Let me show y'all, let me let me read the letter.
• 49:35
  So this was a letter that I wrote to myself
• 49:37
  to my younger Ashley. And this is part of what
• 49:43
  I had to do as I go through therapy again,
• 49:46
  as I learned to release myself from this prison. So
• 49:50
  it says, dear Ashley again, this is a letter to
• 49:55
  my younger self, from my bigger Ashley to my younger Ashley,
• 49:59
  and it's as they're Ashley. I don't know where to
• 50:04
  begin with this apology, but here I go, as I
• 50:07
  sometimes have issues with putting how I feel into words,
• 50:10
  but I will try my best. I have to apologize
• 50:19
  for running out on you. I left you behind as
• 50:22
  it was easier for me to navigate through life. If
• 50:24
  I push that little girl to the back of the closet,
• 50:28
  having to face you men, I would have to deal
• 50:30
  with my traumas and heal those open wounds that I
• 50:32
  thought were healed. Leaving you shows how neglectful one can
• 50:37
  be when they only think about themselves. I was such
• 50:43
  a selfish person, not just to you, but to the
• 50:45
  adult me. It had to always be about me and
• 50:51
  nobody else. Seeing you was a reminder of what pain
• 50:58
  looks like refuse to feel that again. So, yes, I
• 51:03
  had to leave you. I wasn't mature enough to deal
• 51:07
  with everyone that hurt me. It was easier to blame
• 51:10
  others for my pain, not knowing that some of that
• 51:13
  pain I inflicted on myself was my fault. Admitting that
• 51:19
  I did you wrong has not been easy for me.
• 51:21
  So please excuse me for taking so long to give
• 51:25
  you what is rightfully old to you. So on this day,
• 51:29
  I want to apologize for the neglect and abuse you endured.
• 51:35
  You did not deserve to be treated in that manner.
• 51:39
  You deserved to be loved and nurtured properly. On this day,
• 51:43
  going forward, I will love you, I will support you,
• 51:47
  and I will be more aware of your feelings. I
• 51:52
  will be less selfish with you. I will listen to you.
• 51:56
  I will work on not dismissing your feelings as they
• 51:59
  do matter, and I will work on being more open
• 52:03
  instead of running away from you. You didn't deserve to
• 52:08
  be left out in the cold to fin for yourself.
• 52:11
  You deserved to be protected, and yes, I failed you
• 52:14
  in that department. Please note that it was not intentional,
• 52:22
  but selfish and inconsiderate. And yes, We will work on
• 52:25
  this together. We will move in unison as we focus
• 52:30
  on the healing of the traumas in the paint. Because girl,
• 52:34
  I have so much to share with you. I missed you.
• 52:46
  I love you. You are beautiful, you are wanted, you
• 52:53
  are resilient, and yes I do envy that about you.
• 52:56
  But most importantly, I am you and you are me.
• 53:05
  We are in this together. So come and celebrate this
• 53:08
  new life for me as we roll into the new year.
• 53:11
  I couldn't be more excited to have you by my side.
• 53:14
  Thank you for waiting on me and allowing me to
• 53:18
  write my wrongs. I promise to never leave you again.
• 53:23
  I love you always, Ashley DN Marshall, sincerely the Big Ashley.
• 53:35
  So my therapist told me, she said, Ashley, she said,
• 53:38
  I want you to write a letter to your younger self.
• 53:43
  I said, write a letter? What do you mean? She says,
• 53:46
  I need you to write a letter to yourself. What
• 53:50
  would the big Ashley say to the little Ashley? So
• 53:55
  it took me a few days because I didn't know
• 53:59
  what to say. How do you apologize to yourself? How
• 54:03
  do you? Oh, you're welcome, sissy, Oh you know? How
• 54:08
  do you apologize? To your younger self. So it took
• 54:14
  me a few days to write that letter. And every
• 54:18
  time I try to write, I cry. I would write
• 54:21
  out a cry, I would write our cry. I would
• 54:22
  write until finally I said, you know what, I think
• 54:25
  I got the hang of this is writing thing, knowing
• 54:37
  what I did till people hurt, but knowing what I
• 54:43
  allowed them till myself hurt even more. And after I
• 54:54
  wrote that letter and I read it over and over
• 54:57
  and over and over and over again, it got a
• 55:00
  little easier for me to write. It got a little
• 55:06
  easier every word, every letter, it got easier for me
• 55:13
  to write. M I was able to put what I
• 55:28
  felt about myself on paper. When I was talking to
• 55:40
  my therapist, she says, now, how do you feel? I
• 55:49
  told her. I said, I don't know. She said, you
• 55:51
  don't know how. I said, relieved. She said mentally, how
• 55:57
  do you feel? I told her I'm good. She said
• 56:04
  are you good? I said I'm well. She said are
• 56:08
  you well? I said, I'm better. I felt free because
• 56:15
  in this moment, now I can show up for me.
• 56:19
  In this moment, I can fight for me. In this moment,
• 56:25
  I can keep fighting to be in a safe space mentally,
• 56:30
  I can do that. Now, I can have adult conversations
• 56:36
  without being so emotional. I'm learning to feel what I
• 56:44
  need to feel right then. I'm no longer waiting to
• 56:52
  feel what I need to feel. If I'm hurting, I'm
• 56:55
  a feeling right then. If I'm angry, I'm feeling right then.
• 57:00
  Like I told y'all last week, you can't be mad
• 57:04
  about something that happened on Monday, and today is Thursday. Hey,
• 57:09
  miss Linda Hayesus, And I'm gonna tell y'all that feel
• 57:16
  what you need to feel right then and let it go.
• 57:22
  Don't sit and let that just fester inside of you,
• 57:26
  because me doing that caused me bail money, being arrested
• 57:33
  multiple times, because I allowed my emotions to get the
• 57:39
  best of me, because I didn't know how to channel
• 57:44
  my emotions properly. I didn't know how to conduct myself properly.
• 57:50
  I felt if I acted, if I acted and raged,
• 57:54
  if I acted out a character, someone would hear me,
• 57:58
  someone would recognize and say she's hurting. But I was
• 58:03
  told I was crazy when all I wanted was hey,
• 58:10
  mister radio, it's good to see you too, brother, It's
• 58:12
  good to see you. Oh thank you. But it was good.
• 58:21
  It felt good for me because I'm hurting. Hey, no by,
• 58:27
  but it felt good for me to make someone else hurt.
• 58:32
  But this is what I thought mentally, this is what
• 58:35
  I'm thinking mentally, that if I make somebody else hurt,
• 58:38
  I ain't got to deal with this alone. I ain't
• 58:40
  got to deal with this by myself. I don't have
• 58:41
  to be alone in my pain. Now somebody else is hurting.
• 58:45
  Now we can heart together, you understand. But then I
• 58:50
  started to realize I'm not a good person for that.
• 58:58
  So being able to say that out loud, that my
• 59:03
  mental wasn't in check, it's free and for me, I
• 59:09
  get to tell y'all what I did to people. Oh absolutely,
• 59:16
  because you know, no over holding myself accountable. It's helping
• 59:21
  with my mental you know. It's helping me to be
• 59:27
  able to deal with my emotions properly without all the
• 59:32
  well let me tell you, and without having to be
• 59:35
  loud to get my point across. I'm now able to
• 59:39
  pick and choose what type of energy I want to
• 59:42
  be around. You know. That's what I get to do.
• 59:48
  I get to be happy now, and genuinely be happy.
• 59:52
  You're welcome, She says, thank you for being good to me,
• 59:56
  because I'm in a better space to be good to
• 59:59
  pe and to be good to me, because again, I
• 1:00:04
  was fighting for everybody, but I wasn't fighting for me.
• 1:00:08
  I was fighting for everybody else that's mental, but forgot
• 1:00:10
  about mine. You know, so many things happened to me,
• 1:00:15
  back to back to back to back to back that
• 1:00:17
  I couldn't grieve. I had to be strong for everybody,
• 1:00:20
  and then when I finally broke, it was, oh, she's crazy,
• 1:00:28
  and it is fighting for me. It is the absolute
• 1:00:31
  hardest because Nova, let me tell you, thirty plus days ago,
• 1:00:36
  I'm sitting in a hospital room. Thirty plus days ago,
• 1:00:40
  I was sitting in a hospital room because of the attempt.
• 1:00:46
  Because of the attempt, and then I had to decide
• 1:00:53
  do I still keep fighting or do I throw on
• 1:00:56
  a towel? Because I fought for my children. I'm fighting
• 1:01:01
  have a better relation with my husband, a better relationship
• 1:01:03
  with my children, a better relationship with my mother, a
• 1:01:05
  better relationship with my sisters, my friends. But I forgot
• 1:01:10
  about me. I stopped fighting for my mental because guess what,
• 1:01:15
  nobody cared. I didn't feel like anybody cared. These were
• 1:01:18
  my own intruth or thoughts. This was me overthinking situations
• 1:01:23
  and creating situations out of things that didn't even need
• 1:01:26
  to be created. Oh yeah, my sister says, being a
• 1:01:32
  strong black woman is someone else's epiphany of but absolutely,
• 1:01:35
  because let me tell you, there are days when I
• 1:01:38
  tell y'all got heavy. And when I tell you, thirty
• 1:01:42
  plus days ago, Nova, it got real heavy to me,
• 1:01:45
  My life got real dim. Matter of fact, my life
• 1:01:48
  went all the way out. My light went out, and
• 1:01:54
  I let and I thought I was gonna let depression win.
• 1:01:59
  I thought I was gonna let it go on and
• 1:02:00
  take me, take me onto the upper room. I thought
• 1:02:03
  that's what I wanted it to do, until God laid
• 1:02:07
  everything in front of me. And God says, you pick
• 1:02:09
  and choose who you want to hurt. How can I
• 1:02:18
  pick and choose who I want to hurt? God says,
• 1:02:23
  you better pick and choose. You better pick and choose.
• 1:02:31
  So I thought about my children, I thought about my husband,
• 1:02:33
  I thought about my mother, I thought about my sisters,
• 1:02:36
  I thought about my friends, my circle, and I said,
• 1:02:46
  I gotta fight for me now. I fought for everybody else,
• 1:02:50
  but I didn't fight for me. I didn't fight for
• 1:02:52
  my mental because I wanted depression to take I wanted
• 1:02:55
  it to take me. I wanted it to But God said,
• 1:03:02
  I I'm not ready for you just yet. Now I
• 1:03:08
  want you. As I sit out here and I lay
• 1:03:10
  out this deck of cards, God says, I want you
• 1:03:12
  to pick who you want to hurt. And I say,
• 1:03:18
  but God, I don't want to hurt anybody. He say, yes,
• 1:03:20
  you do, because if you didn't, you wouldn't be sitting
• 1:03:23
  in this room. You wouldn't have taken those thirteen pills
• 1:03:28
  if you didn't want to hurt nobody. I had to
• 1:03:32
  eat that. I had to eat that. I had to
• 1:03:37
  own that. And I said, God, I'm still in the fight.
• 1:03:40
  I'm still in the fight. God, I'm still in the fight.
• 1:03:44
  He said, as long as you keep fighting, I'll fight
• 1:03:46
  with you. Do you know how heavy that was to
• 1:03:54
  know that, even through blurred lines and my distorted vision,
• 1:03:59
  God was still there with me. God was still carrying me.
• 1:04:04
  He never left me. God never left me. So I
• 1:04:10
  say that because I want y'all to stay in the fight.
• 1:04:15
  I'm tired of hearing about these unlivings. And we just
• 1:04:23
  sit here and do nothing. We sit here and we
• 1:04:25
  hold spaces, and we have the most beautiful platforms ever
• 1:04:30
  to have spaces like this, and we don't use it
• 1:04:33
  like we're supposed to. And people are struggling. It's somebody
• 1:04:38
  right now that don't know where their next mil is
• 1:04:42
  coming from. It's somebody right now that's not gonna wake
• 1:04:45
  up tomorrow. It's somebody right now that's gonna go onto
• 1:04:48
  that job and get handed a piece slip. It's somebody
• 1:04:51
  whose car got repolled today. So if I ask you
• 1:04:55
  how are you to day, I want to know how
• 1:04:58
  you're doing. I want to know the good. I want
• 1:05:01
  to know the bad. Whatever it is that you're going through.
• 1:05:04
  I want to help you over the haunt because I
• 1:05:07
  know what it's like. I know what those intrusive thoughts
• 1:05:10
  feel like. I know what it's like to sit in
• 1:05:14
  the dark by yourself. I know what that pain feels like.
• 1:05:19
  I know what it's like to have to be on
• 1:05:21
  three different medications just so my mental will stay intact.
• 1:05:27
  I know what that feels like. So I share because
• 1:05:33
  people are afraid. People are afraid to share. You want
• 1:05:38
  to know why, because y'all talk about people. Y'all love
• 1:05:42
  to use what people tell y'all against them later on.
• 1:05:46
  You love the stack, You love to weaponize that absolutely
• 1:05:53
  walking in the dark because it's the safe Because see,
• 1:05:55
  when you're in the dark, no one can hurt you.
• 1:05:57
  Because see in that dark your pret because can't nobody
• 1:06:01
  see you in there, So I can't nobody see you,
• 1:06:03
  can't nobody hurt you. But also you have to remember,
• 1:06:06
  when you're sitting in the dark, how can I celebrate
• 1:06:08
  you if I can't see you? How can I love
• 1:06:11
  on you? If I can't see you? Tell me that,
• 1:06:17
  how can I love on you and I can't see you.
• 1:06:20
  How can I love on you and parent to you
• 1:06:22
  and encourage you and empower you If you're sitting in
• 1:06:25
  the dark, If you're fighting and I'm trying to pull
• 1:06:28
  you out, but you're fighting to stay in, y'all gotta
• 1:06:32
  want it. I don't think y'all understand how needed you
• 1:06:38
  are on this side of the world of this in
• 1:06:42
  the land of the living. Baby, I still need you.
• 1:06:46
  We ain't took our girls trip yet. You understand, we
• 1:06:49
  haven't reached our fullest potential yet. But yet we're allowing
• 1:06:54
  those in truth the thoughts to make us feel like
• 1:06:57
  it's time for us to go. Were not having depression
• 1:07:02
  here with us no more. We're not dealing with that
• 1:07:05
  anxiety no more. Baby, it has to go because guess what,
• 1:07:08
  your purpose is bigger than your pain. And a lot
• 1:07:13
  of y'all don't even understand how gifted you are. A
• 1:07:17
  lot of people don't know you dim your own life.
• 1:07:20
  A lot of y'all have impostera syndrome. Uh oh, somebody
• 1:07:24
  better say who. A lot of y'all don't even understand
• 1:07:31
  how beautiful y'all are. Regardless of what people say about
• 1:07:36
  you on the outside, I'm concerned about what you look
• 1:07:39
  like on the inside because see, if your inside is ugly,
• 1:07:43
  that means your outside is gonna be uglier. But that's
• 1:07:47
  what I need y'all to do. Absolutely. My sister says
• 1:07:52
  giving up is easy. I choose the hard way, and
• 1:07:54
  that's to keep living, because baby, let me tell you,
• 1:07:56
  living is hard. Living is hard. Mister radio, thank you
• 1:08:01
  for the gifts. Thank you, thank you, think you, thank you,
• 1:08:04
  thank you, oh, because it's been hard for me these
• 1:08:08
  forty plus years. It's been hard. It's been rough because
• 1:08:13
  I've been in a prison that I created for myself.
• 1:08:16
  Because you want to know, why because it felt safe
• 1:08:18
  when I was in jail, not knowing that the jail
• 1:08:24
  that I created for myself was detrimental to my health.
• 1:08:29
  A lot of y'all don't understand that your mental means
• 1:08:32
  more to me. Your mental matters to me, Your mental
• 1:08:38
  matters to me, to my men. Let me tell you something.
• 1:08:42
  Your mental matters to me. I want you to please fellas,
• 1:08:51
  take care of your mental absolutely. I'm I'm right there.
• 1:08:57
  I'm miss the radio baby, I'm knocking at the dope.
• 1:09:00
  I'm knocking at fifties dope. But I want y'all to
• 1:09:04
  stay with me. I want to be able to love
• 1:09:07
  on y'all. I want to be able to laugh with you.
• 1:09:10
  I want to be able to get you through those dark,
• 1:09:13
  dark times. And as long as I keep sharing and
• 1:09:18
  I keep telling y'all my story, somebody's gonna say, you
• 1:09:23
  know what, Ash, life is really truly worth living. I
• 1:09:29
  don't do this because I want the accolades. I do
• 1:09:33
  it because I know what it feels like. I've been
• 1:09:37
  around people, I've lost people close to me because of
• 1:09:41
  their mental health. And I want y'all to know you're
• 1:09:47
  needed on this side. You're wanting on this side. You
• 1:09:53
  have a purpose on this side. You have a purpose
• 1:09:58
  on this side, on it on this side. Your journey
• 1:10:02
  on this side is not done. And I need you
• 1:10:06
  to understand that. I need you to know you got
• 1:10:08
  some old living to do. Baby, I need you to
• 1:10:11
  know that God is going to keep walking with you. You understand,
• 1:10:16
  just don't let his hand go. But you also got
• 1:10:21
  to give it to him. You gotta leave it with him.
• 1:10:24
  And I'm learning that. I'm learning that on my walk
• 1:10:28
  with God and rereading my Bible because I'm learning things
• 1:10:32
  differently as an adult because things have changed from me
• 1:10:35
  being a child to now that I'm an adult, you understand.
• 1:10:39
  So the Bible certain verses ring differently to me now.
• 1:10:43
  They hit different in my life now. And I'm blessed
• 1:10:49
  to say that I'm not all the way out of
• 1:10:52
  the woods just yet. But I know in six months
• 1:10:57
  from now, I'm gonna be able to look back at
• 1:10:58
  this day and say, man, I remember, I remember when
• 1:11:02
  I tried to take myself up out. I remember, but
• 1:11:09
  I also remember how I felt after the fact. See,
• 1:11:14
  being depressed takes more energy than it does to be happy.
• 1:11:20
  Because see a lot of people don't understand that when
• 1:11:22
  you come out of those depressive states, your dreams, you're exhausted,
• 1:11:27
  your body is just you just want to sleep. And
• 1:11:30
  that's what I did when I came home from the hospital.
• 1:11:33
  I slept for three or four days straight. I didn't
• 1:11:35
  want to really talk on the phone. A lot of
• 1:11:38
  people didn't even know until I told them. And that
• 1:11:45
  recovery after coming out of that depressive stage. Let me
• 1:11:50
  tell y'all, I went a couple of days, didn't take
• 1:11:54
  a shower, didn't wash my face, didn't brush my teeth. Yes,
• 1:11:58
  that's what depression does to you. And now you gotta
• 1:12:03
  fight for the energy and the strength to just get
• 1:12:06
  out of the bed, to just flip your feet on
• 1:12:08
  the side of the bed and just sit there until
• 1:12:12
  finally one day I said, you know what, I I
• 1:12:16
  gotta shake myself up out of this, because see, I'm
• 1:12:20
  allowing the devil to keep me in a choke HOAt.
• 1:12:23
  That's how depression is. I've allowed it to come in
• 1:12:27
  and robbed me multiple times. I've allowed it in my house.
• 1:12:31
  I've even opened the door for depression to come in.
• 1:12:34
  I've opened the door for the anxiety to come in.
• 1:12:37
  I've allowed it. And now I'm mad that is here.
• 1:12:45
  How can you be upset? And you know, how could
• 1:12:47
  I be upset about it? And I opened the door
• 1:12:50
  for I let depression in. I made him. I made
• 1:12:55
  depression feel welcome in my home. I let anxiety kick
• 1:12:59
  his feet up. I allowed that. But now I'm also
• 1:13:07
  allowing peace to come in. I'm welcoming peace because that
• 1:13:11
  depression they anxiety them in truce of thoughts, y'all gonna
• 1:13:14
  have to gone, go, be gone down the street, go right,
• 1:13:18
  But you gotta leave from over here because you can't
• 1:13:19
  stay over here with me no more. Y'all can't have me.
• 1:13:23
  Depression can't have us, Anxiety can't have us. Bipolar disorder
• 1:13:30
  you can't have us. Schizophrenic you can't have us no more.
• 1:13:35
  We're relinquishing that. We're releasing that. We're giving it back
• 1:13:38
  to where it came from. We're sending it. We're returning
• 1:13:42
  to send them. We're not taking it back. I don't
• 1:13:45
  live here anymore. That's what we're doing. You can't have
• 1:13:52
  us no more. Depression can't have us, y'all, Anxiety can't
• 1:13:57
  have us. We're not doing that no more. Over here
• 1:14:03
  we living, We're no longer surviving, but we're living. You understand.
• 1:14:07
  I made a post the other day and I said,
• 1:14:09
  I'm no longer surviving, but I'm living and I'm living
• 1:14:13
  for me. Because see, as long as I live for me,
• 1:14:19
  my kid's gonna be good, My husband's gonna be good,
• 1:14:22
  my sister's gonna be good, my family gonna be good,
• 1:14:25
  my MoMA, everybody gonna be good. As long as I
• 1:14:29
  keep living for me and I stop allowing the devil
• 1:14:35
  will keep me in a chocode. We're not doing that.
• 1:14:41
  I love you too, baby, I'm proud of you. I'm
• 1:14:43
  so proud of you. But that's what we're doing. So
• 1:14:49
  Mental mondays. Let me tell y'all, y'all welcome into everyone
• 1:14:56
  that is new to Black Girl interrupt the podcast. Thank
• 1:14:59
  y'all so much for coming then to love and support
• 1:15:01
  on me. I appreciate that. Let me tell y'all, I
• 1:15:07
  do what I do genuinely. I do what I do
• 1:15:13
  because it's free and for me. You understand, this is
• 1:15:17
  why I do what I do. Why do I advocate
• 1:15:21
  for mental health? Why do I share so many private
• 1:15:24
  intimate thoughts of my ever avenues of my life? Why not?
• 1:15:31
  Why not? Because see, people look at you and they say,
• 1:15:37
  oh my god, Oh she's just got it all together,
• 1:15:39
  or he's got it all together, not knowing that people
• 1:15:42
  are drowning, but they can't talk to nobody again because
• 1:15:47
  people love to weaponize it against you. People love to talk.
• 1:15:50
  They can't wait to get with their homegirl or they
• 1:15:52
  homeboy and be like, yeah, girl, let me tell you
• 1:15:54
  about so and so girl. Yeah, you know, she lights
• 1:15:57
  cut off and the people can't wait. And this is
• 1:16:01
  why people stay silent. And see, being silent got me
• 1:16:03
  in a situation I was in thirty plus days ago,
• 1:16:06
  not being able to talk, not being able to tell
• 1:16:09
  what was bothering me, but just to say, you know what,
• 1:16:12
  I'm gonna go ahead. I'ma go in it. Yeah, not
• 1:16:19
  knowing that being able to be out of for somebody
• 1:16:25
  is a beautiful thing. It's a beautiful thing. Hey John,
• 1:16:31
  Hey Little nineteen seven one, nine, seven eighty eight, thank
• 1:16:35
  you for coming in. Well, yeah, this is why people
• 1:16:41
  don't talk now. But over here on Black Girl Interrupted,
• 1:16:45
  let me tell y'all what we do over here, We
• 1:16:49
  have real conversations. We talk about everything. Over here. We
• 1:16:54
  talk about the good, the bad, and I hold everybody
• 1:16:56
  account of men and women. So women, I get on
• 1:17:01
  y'all fellas, I get on y'all too, but I do
• 1:17:04
  it with love. I never get and try to rate
• 1:17:08
  somebody like I see on a lot of these lives
• 1:17:11
  that go through here. On TikTok and Instagram and Facebook,
• 1:17:16
  I see a lot of a rating of people, but
• 1:17:19
  not over here. I just want to make a difference.
• 1:17:24
  I don't care about money. I don't see a lot
• 1:17:28
  of y'all want to do this because y'all want to
• 1:17:30
  be paid. I don't want to be paid because God
• 1:17:33
  is gonna bless me at the end. I get up
• 1:17:36
  here and I advocate for mental health because I'm a
• 1:17:39
  person that deals with suppression. I'm a person that deals
• 1:17:42
  with anxiety. I'm on with three four different medications to
• 1:17:46
  keep my mind in sync to be able to focus.
• 1:17:52
  That's why I do this. I have resources that I
• 1:17:56
  could provide if you want to get help, if you
• 1:18:01
  want to go to therapy, please don't think of therapy
• 1:18:03
  is a bad thing. Although therapy may not be for everybody.
• 1:18:07
  But I could only speak to me how beautiful it
• 1:18:08
  has been for me and my mental how beautiful it
• 1:18:11
  has been for allowing me to deal with my emotions.
• 1:18:15
  It's been beautiful for me to help me move out
• 1:18:17
  of the dark and back into the light. Now I
• 1:18:20
  can let my lights shine a little bit brighter, I
• 1:18:23
  can move a little bit better. I can start to
• 1:18:25
  enjoy life peacefully. That's why I do what I do.
• 1:18:30
  Over Here, a black girl interrupt the podcast. I don't
• 1:18:32
  do it for anything else. Do I have some uncomfortable conversations. Absolutely,
• 1:18:39
  I have a lot of uncomfortable conversations over here. But again,
• 1:18:46
  I just want one person to say, you know what, Ash,
• 1:18:48
  your podcasts helped me. That's why I do what I do.
• 1:18:52
  I want to help somebody. I'll clear a space if
• 1:18:58
  you ever feel down and out and and don't have
• 1:19:02
  anybody anywhere a turn I'm gonna keep creating safe faces
• 1:19:06
  like this. I'm gonna keep having conversations like this. This
• 1:19:09
  is what I'm gonna keep doing. Mischiona, thank you, babe.
• 1:19:13
  She says, I really needed this tonight. And that's what
• 1:19:15
  I mean when I say I don't know who's going
• 1:19:18
  there's somebody right now that's going through it and you
• 1:19:22
  can't tell to nobody. They don't have nobody to turn to,
• 1:19:25
  or maybe they they're not. They don't have the resources,
• 1:19:28
  but I got resources. I'm gonna give you all a
• 1:19:30
  list of resources for mental mental health, resources for African
• 1:19:35
  American people, for black people, because I want us to
• 1:19:39
  all the health. I want us to all to win.
• 1:19:42
  I don't want us to be sad anymore. I want
• 1:19:44
  to change the trajectory. I want us to start sweeping
• 1:19:47
  and pulling them rugs back. I want us to start
• 1:19:50
  having these conversations that we weren't allowed to have coming
• 1:19:53
  up because our families told us, you don't tell nobody
• 1:19:56
  what goes on in your house. I don't want those
• 1:19:58
  conversations like that, no or. I want y'all to be
• 1:20:01
  safe over here. I want y'all to be able to
• 1:20:03
  have those conversations. I want y'all to be able to
• 1:20:05
  talk and say, man, you know what, I'm not okay today, Ashley,
• 1:20:09
  and I want to say, you know what, it's okay
• 1:20:11
  to not be okay. I want y'all to get in
• 1:20:15
  these spaces and stop judging people. You understand, That's what
• 1:20:18
  I want y'all to do. Why can't we love on
• 1:20:22
  each other? Why can't you know what I'm saying? Why
• 1:20:24
  can't we agree to disagree on a lot of things, y'all.
• 1:20:29
  But y'all don't hear me. You understand. But that's what
• 1:20:32
  I want to do. I want to make a difference
• 1:20:35
  in the world. I want to make a difference in
• 1:20:38
  the mental health community. I want people to understand and
• 1:20:42
  know that I struggle just like you. I want y'all
• 1:20:48
  to know what life has been like for me. I
• 1:20:52
  want y'all to know that I'm just thirty thirty plus
• 1:20:55
  days clean of those thoughts. I don't want phone calls.
• 1:21:03
  I'm tired of seeing text messages and flyers where people
• 1:21:07
  are saying, oh, yes, so and so past away, girl.
• 1:21:09
  You know they were struggling with their mental health. I
• 1:21:15
  don't want to hear about that no more. I want
• 1:21:17
  to hear the beautiful things. I want to hear why
• 1:21:19
  you're fighting to stay here. I want to know what
• 1:21:24
  can I do as a person to help you maneuver
• 1:21:29
  your way out of the dark. That's all I want
• 1:21:31
  to do.
• 1:21:33
  Speaker 2: I want to make a difference. I want to do
• 1:21:35
  right by people. I want to be a better mother.
• 1:21:41
  I want to be a better friend, a better wife.
• 1:21:44
  I just want to overwrop be a better person. That's
• 1:21:47
  all I fight for in my peace and my mental
• 1:21:53
  That's all I want to do. I don't want to
• 1:21:55
  do anything else. I just want someone to say, you
• 1:21:58
  know what her podcast helped, that's all. I don't care
• 1:22:04
  about money.
• 1:22:06
  Speaker 1: I don't care if I being famous, and I don't
• 1:22:08
  care about none of that. And I say this every
• 1:22:13
  time and anybody that knows me, well, No, I do
• 1:22:15
  this genuinely. I do this because this is what I
• 1:22:19
  choose to do. I do this because I want again.
• 1:22:21
  I know what it's like to be by yourself. I
• 1:22:24
  know what it's like to have spaces where you can't
• 1:22:26
  talk to nobody. I know what that feels like. But
• 1:22:34
  I want to change that. I want us to when
• 1:22:36
  we come on Black Girl Interrupted, I want to hear
• 1:22:39
  about the good and the bad. If you had a
• 1:22:41
  bad day, Girl, talk to me about it. Absolutely, she says,
• 1:22:47
  to do it alone. And that's it. That's all I
• 1:22:50
  want to do. I just want to make a difference.
• 1:22:53
  That's it, nothing more or nothing less. I just want
• 1:22:57
  my time when it's time for me to cross over
• 1:23:02
  that God says well done. That's it. That's it. I
• 1:23:08
  just want God to say, well done, that you did good. Actually,
• 1:23:12
  I'm proud of you, and I want to keep making
• 1:23:15
  a difference. I want to invoke these conversations. I want
• 1:23:21
  people to say, you know what, man, this is what
• 1:23:24
  happened to me today, and you're welcomed over and you
• 1:23:29
  just don't understand how much I appreciate you. The countless
• 1:23:32
  conversations that we've had on this platform, I've met some
• 1:23:38
  of the most amazing people that, man, I would never
• 1:23:45
  want to do anything to hurt y'all. I promise I wouldn't.
• 1:23:49
  So that's why I'm getting better for me, for y'all.
• 1:23:53
  A black girl interrupted the podcast. I'm getting stronger every day.
• 1:23:59
  I'm getting better every day. It's rough some days, but
• 1:24:05
  I push through because now I know what I'm fighting for.
• 1:24:08
  I'm not fighting just for my children anymore. I'm fighting
• 1:24:11
  for me. I'm fighting to stay in this realm of peace,
• 1:24:14
  and I'm gonna do whatever I can to protect it.
• 1:24:18
  I'm done grieving lost relationships. I'm done grieving about things
• 1:24:24
  that I can't change. I'm done grieving that. Now. I'm
• 1:24:29
  ready to celebrate the beautiful things that are happening for me.
• 1:24:33
  I'm ready to celebrate the beautiful people that God is
• 1:24:37
  putting in my path, Miss Yonah says God, God let
• 1:24:41
  me hear, because he knows this is what I needed.
• 1:24:43
  Miss Yona, let me say this to you. Whatever is
• 1:24:47
  going on, let it go. I want you to know
• 1:24:55
  that I love you. I want you to know that
• 1:24:58
  I will clear a space and a and a time
• 1:25:01
  if it any given moment you need to talk, if
• 1:25:05
  you need me to just get on the phone with you,
• 1:25:07
  if you just need to text me, if you need
• 1:25:10
  to send me a voicemail where you just screaming on
• 1:25:12
  the phone, and if that makes you feel better, baby,
• 1:25:15
  I'm all for whatever we have to do to promote
• 1:25:17
  positive healing is what I'm here for. The beautiful thing
• 1:25:24
  is I'm working with a couple of therapists in the
• 1:25:27
  background to come and participate in these and in these
• 1:25:34
  panels because I'm gonna start doing mental health panels as
• 1:25:39
  of right now. I do have some resources. But not
• 1:25:43
  to skip over you, miss Jonna, but I do want
• 1:25:45
  to say that I love you and that you're needed here.
• 1:25:47
  And whatever whatever it is, you give it to God
• 1:25:51
  today and you leave it with him, give it to him. Hey,
• 1:25:56
  missus Jannae, Miss Janney, I'm gonna message you on the
• 1:25:59
  back because I need you on one of my panels
• 1:26:04
  in the next couple of weeks. I real literally need you,
• 1:26:06
  so I must send you a message. But I do
• 1:26:10
  this because, like I said, your mental means more to
• 1:26:14
  me than anything. You coming out victoriously means more to
• 1:26:19
  me than anything. But I also want you to know
• 1:26:22
  that you can't say you trust God if you question
• 1:26:27
  everything that he does. So we got this regardless of
• 1:26:34
  what the world says. We got this, baby. We are
• 1:26:37
  stronger than our pain. We're gonna keep fighting to keep
• 1:26:42
  our mental right where it needs to be. We're gonna
• 1:26:46
  keep fighting for us, especially when you know you got
• 1:26:50
  a team of people that's fighting with you. You're gonna
• 1:26:55
  always hear that. Woman, Thank you for tuning in, Sweetie,
• 1:26:59
  for them tell you were on this journey together. We're
• 1:27:04
  healing together. We're gonna maneuver through this together. Even if
• 1:27:10
  we got to get out and push the car to
• 1:27:12
  the finish line. Baby, we're gonna make it. We're gonna
• 1:27:16
  be a testimony for somebody. We're gonna be able to
• 1:27:19
  look back in six months and say, girl, like you
• 1:27:22
  remember when we was feeling this way, And I'm gonna
• 1:27:26
  say yeah. But look at us now. I'm coming in
• 1:27:30
  the light to celebrate you. Baby. I'm pulling you out
• 1:27:33
  of the dog I promise you, I'm here to pull
• 1:27:37
  you out of the darken into the light because we're
• 1:27:39
  here to celebrate. She'd say, I haven't been on here
• 1:27:45
  in a long time, and this is the first day.
• 1:27:47
  And they came up. That was God's message. Oh mmm.
• 1:27:53
  Who that just gave me chills? Who that gave me chills? Mhm,
• 1:28:03
  oh man, y'all are so beautiful and y'all are some
• 1:28:09
  of the most amazing people ever. Y'all really truly, y'all.
• 1:28:14
  I couldn't let me tell y'all, Black Girl interrupted. The
• 1:28:17
  podcast wouldn't be where it was if it weren't for y'all.
• 1:28:22
  The way y'all show up, the way y'all show out
• 1:28:25
  for your girl, the way y'all come and we laugh
• 1:28:28
  and we have beautiful, healthy conversations. Man, Novah says, God said,
• 1:28:34
  listen to your story from somebody else. You're not alone
• 1:28:37
  when you think you are mad. Because I'm telling you, Novah,
• 1:28:42
  when I sat in that room and then people trying
• 1:28:45
  to keep man, let me tell y'all. Then people trying
• 1:28:47
  to make me go impatience. And then I'm sitting up there,
• 1:28:50
  I'm listening to the people next to me. Girl. They
• 1:28:51
  was one was screaming, the other one on the other side.
• 1:28:55
  I was like, oh no, I got to go home.
• 1:28:56
  No no, no, no no, I said, God, come on,
• 1:29:00
  come on, come on, I'm good. And the first time
• 1:29:04
  they say no, we need We're gonna make her go impatient, involuntary, involuntary,
• 1:29:10
  and I'm no, no, no, uh huh. And then I
• 1:29:17
  had a moment to relax and and reflect. Mhm, God,
• 1:29:24
  I said, is that where you want to go? I no, no,
• 1:29:29
  I don't want to go that. Guy, I don't want
• 1:29:31
  to go in that. I don't want to go in there.
• 1:29:34
  He said, When then you go home and you get right. Okay.
• 1:29:43
  But when I heard my son say I need you,
• 1:29:53
  m M yeah, I know. I had to put them
• 1:30:01
  boxing gloves on. I had to lay some up tight
• 1:30:06
  because I'm gonna be tested. I'm gonna be tested God,
• 1:30:14
  I said, I'm gonna challenge you. I'm gonna see exactly
• 1:30:17
  how strong your faith is in me. I say, God,
• 1:30:22
  I'm I'm gonna see just how strong your faith is. Okay.
• 1:30:30
  June nineteenth, I went in for my mammogram. I found
• 1:30:36
  two lumps, one in each breast. When I tell y'all,
• 1:30:43
  when I got the results, all I thought about was
• 1:30:47
  Old Lord. I started praying immediately. Immediately, I started praying, God, God, God, Please,
• 1:31:00
  you've helped cancer. Cancer don't live in God. I don't
• 1:31:04
  have I don't have breast cancer. God. No, I don't know.
• 1:31:06
  I don't. You told me I could come to it
• 1:31:09
  any time you told me any kind anytime I could
• 1:31:12
  come to you. So now is the time I'm coming
• 1:31:17
  to you. Let's say, God, cancer don't live, and we
• 1:31:21
  we're not claiming that, we're not speaking it. I told
• 1:31:23
  my husband, I said, but they don't worry about I say,
• 1:31:26
  I'm gonna be all right. I'm gonna be alright. I'ma
• 1:31:29
  be good. They said, yeah, you know, you gotta come
• 1:31:32
  back in for another mammogram and you gotta do an ultrasound.
• 1:31:37
  And so when they explain the process, they said, you
• 1:31:40
  know you'll know what you'll find out everything today. So
• 1:31:43
  my plumb was today, I went and did my second
• 1:31:46
  uh mammo gram today, and I did my ultrasound to day,
• 1:31:50
  and by the grace of God, there's no cancer here.
• 1:31:54
  There's no cancer here, none, zero clean, he said. But
• 1:32:01
  the masters are still there. He said, but there's no cancer.
• 1:32:07
  I said, Oh so I knew. Then. God is the
• 1:32:16
  ultimate healer. Baby, God has the last tape. Regardless of
• 1:32:19
  what the doctor told me, God said differently today. God
• 1:32:24
  told me differently, and they' not there. So I'm here
• 1:32:31
  to tell y'all how good God is and walk up
• 1:32:35
  what God can do through the power of prayer. You understand.
• 1:32:38
  So I prayed. I give them all the praise. I
• 1:32:42
  give them all the glory. I read my Bible, I
• 1:32:44
  do my praise and worship sessions by myself in the
• 1:32:50
  morning and before I lay down. Because without him, I
• 1:32:53
  wouldn't be sitting right here talking to y'all right now.
• 1:32:56
  Without him, my mental wouldn't be right here on an
• 1:32:58
  even plane. Because in that moment when I got the results,
• 1:33:04
  all I thought about it wasn't even my physical I
• 1:33:06
  thought about my mental. Oh God, am I really read it?
• 1:33:09
  Am I strong enough to deal with this? God said,
• 1:33:11
  didn't I tell y'all I was gonna test you. I said, okay,
• 1:33:17
  so God will test you, and let me tell you,
• 1:33:22
  God will Oh, thank you, y'all. Not for the panda hug.
• 1:33:27
  God says, just because I bring you to a storm,
• 1:33:31
  don't mean you got to always get wet. Who somebody
• 1:33:38
  didn't hear that. God says, just because I bring you
• 1:33:41
  to a storm, don't mean you got to get wet.
• 1:33:44
  Sometimes I bring you here just to test your faith.
• 1:33:47
  Sometimes I bring you here just to see where you
• 1:33:49
  are and how much you really believe in me. Okay, God,
• 1:33:54
  thank you. I passed. God says, don't think I won't
• 1:34:00
  test you again. Say less, but this time I'm prepared.
• 1:34:09
  I got my suit of arm and baby, let me
• 1:34:12
  take it. I have a red tack. Whatever weapon forms,
• 1:34:16
  it won't pross God and already told me. He said,
• 1:34:20
  as long as I walk with you, you're protected. Okay, God,
• 1:34:26
  God show out what what? What the kids do? They eat?
• 1:34:30
  My baby? My baby? Say that's that that right there?
• 1:34:32
  Eat whatever. I don't know all these children and girl baby,
• 1:34:35
  and I don't know what they mean. Eat whatever. But
• 1:34:39
  but yeah, so I want y'all to stay encouraged. I
• 1:34:46
  want y'all to stay prayed up, because guess what. We
• 1:34:49
  are under attack right now as we speak, We're under attack.
• 1:34:57
  We are under attack, and y'all don't even know it.
• 1:34:59
  Some y'all not even mentally prepared for what's about to happen.
• 1:35:03
  Some of y'all ain't even physically or emotionally ready for
• 1:35:05
  the shift that's about to happen in your life. Some
• 1:35:08
  of y'all don't even know that. Some of y'all don't
• 1:35:12
  even know how big God is about to step for you.
• 1:35:17
  But I need y'all to see it through clear eyes
• 1:35:21
  and no longer a blurred vision. And yes, I know
• 1:35:24
  it's easier said than done, but you gotta trust the process.
• 1:35:30
  That it's gonna hurt sometimes. Sometimes it's gonna get rough,
• 1:35:35
  Sometimes it's gonna get shaky. Sometimes your mental may seem
• 1:35:41
  like it's all over the place. But I need you
• 1:35:43
  to pull clothes and I need you to keep it together.
• 1:35:48
  I need you to know that if you don't got you,
• 1:35:53
  God do God got you and all aspects. Hey Domo,
• 1:36:01
  hey Ebel, thank you for johning, But I want you
• 1:36:04
  to know that I want you to understand that if
• 1:36:09
  you feel down, don't sit by yourself. Reach out to
• 1:36:14
  somebody please. Mental health is not just limited to May
• 1:36:19
  in June, but it needs to be an everyday conversation
• 1:36:22
  because we suffer every day, not just in May or June.
• 1:36:31
  So some of the resources that I have, y'all, anybody
• 1:36:35
  that is interested, Like I said, I wrote some things
• 1:36:37
  down a couple of Absolutely, you have to accept that word.
• 1:36:42
  You gotta accept it because missioner, you know what you
• 1:36:47
  deserve it. You deserve to be rewarded. I know somebody
• 1:36:51
  may have told you that you're not worthy of it,
• 1:36:53
  but you all stop letting these liabilities tell you that
• 1:36:59
  you're not worthy of assets. Stop letting people come in,
• 1:37:04
  Stop inviting those energies and those spirits into your space,
• 1:37:09
  and protect your energy and your peace. That's what you
• 1:37:13
  gotta do. You gotta protect it at all costs. Put
• 1:37:18
  you first, set them boundaries up. Don't be afraid to
• 1:37:22
  tell nobody, no, tell I know, I ain't got it
• 1:37:29
  you Okay, It's okay to self isolate, just to just
• 1:37:34
  to reset and refocus and to get your back where
• 1:37:38
  you needed to be, to be shifted right back back up.
• 1:37:42
  It's okay. Don't let nobody make you feel guilty about
• 1:37:45
  taking care of you. Don't let let me tell you something.
• 1:37:48
  God is about to remove some people out of your life.
• 1:37:50
  You don't even know the needs to be removed because
• 1:37:54
  y'all don't even know. It's people having conversations about you
• 1:37:58
  that you just ain't hurt. The God is protect your
• 1:38:04
  piece and your mental at all times. Stop letting people dictate.
• 1:38:10
  Stop it. I need y'all to love on y'all a
• 1:38:13
  little bit more. I need y'all to accept things you
• 1:38:18
  can change. I need you to just be able to
• 1:38:20
  do what you can that's within your control, and the
• 1:38:23
  things that you can't control, that God handle it, let
• 1:38:26
  it go, let it go, do your mental So just
• 1:38:34
  give yourself the peace that you deserve. Remove those traumas,
• 1:38:38
  Let go of those traumas, let it go, talk about
• 1:38:41
  it and release it. Write it down on a piece
• 1:38:45
  of paper, tear it up and throw it away, and
• 1:38:47
  don't even go back to it because you're not your past.
• 1:38:53
  We've all done things that we're not proud of. We've
• 1:38:55
  all said things the people that we're not proud of.
• 1:39:00
  Apologize and keep going. It's up to them if they accept.
• 1:39:05
  Once you on it, once it leaves your lips, let
• 1:39:07
  it go, let it go. Forgiving people that have wronged you,
• 1:39:14
  but a lot of people don't understand that. Just because
• 1:39:16
  I forgive that still don't give you access back into
• 1:39:19
  my life. I forgive you for me. I had to.
• 1:39:21
  I had to. I had to get my power back
• 1:39:23
  from you. I had to take it back from you
• 1:39:24
  because I allowed you to hold on to it for
• 1:39:26
  so long. I gotta take my power back. You don't
• 1:39:31
  get a chance to tell me how people are supposed
• 1:39:34
  to treat me. I tell them we no longer accepting
• 1:39:39
  the bare minimum. Tell them my mentalness is getting better,
• 1:39:43
  my vision is getting clear, so I can see the
• 1:39:48
  things that people have done to you. Forgive them, forgive them,
• 1:39:55
  get your power back, Take your power back, Take your
• 1:39:59
  power back, take your power back. The time is now,
• 1:40:06
  what they say, You gotta reclaim your time, baby, get
• 1:40:09
  your power back. Steal it back. They came in and
• 1:40:12
  stole it from you, baby, Go and steal it back
• 1:40:14
  from it. Go take it back. Say I just belong
• 1:40:16
  to me. You no longer get to have and disrupt
• 1:40:20
  my peace. So for some of the resources that I have,
• 1:40:26
  let me. Let me give y'all these all right, So
• 1:40:32
  I've come across a few resources, soul for mental These
• 1:40:37
  are mental health resources for African Americans. I don't believe
• 1:40:40
  they just are for African American, but hey, here they go.
• 1:40:45
  It is the Anxiety and Depression Association of America or
• 1:40:50
  a d a A is the shortened version of it.
• 1:40:58
  I have African America can mental health providers. Let me
• 1:41:01
  see if I could post, let me see, if I
• 1:41:03
  could write these maybe I can cannot. Let me see,
• 1:41:12
  I must say, old, let me kid, I'm trying to.
• 1:41:22
  What I'll do is I will post them on my
• 1:41:25
  on my TikTok page, the resources. I'll do it so
• 1:41:28
  it's not a real But I did, like I said,
• 1:41:32
  I did come across some mental health resources for African Americans.
• 1:41:36
  Some of them I have posted on the screen on
• 1:41:38
  my on the Facebook side, but on my TikTok side,
• 1:41:43
  I'll do like a little sticky note and I'll share it.
• 1:41:46
  And these are resources for mental health. So if anyone
• 1:41:49
  is struggling with their mental health and you can't find
• 1:41:53
  anyone in your community or in your area, some of
• 1:41:57
  these resources will point you in the right direction of
• 1:41:59
  where it is that you need to go. So on
• 1:42:03
  that note, like I say thank you to everyone that
• 1:42:06
  came and hung out with your girl today or my
• 1:42:10
  mental health check in. I do this every Monday. Last night,
• 1:42:14
  I could not do it. I had to get some
• 1:42:16
  things situated because I'm going back to school, so I
• 1:42:18
  had to get my transcripts and all this stuff uploaded
• 1:42:21
  before the deadline, and I didn't want to wait till
• 1:42:23
  the last minute, so I had to push last night's
• 1:42:25
  show to today. But every Monday, I will be doing
• 1:42:29
  my mental health check ins at eight o'clock pm Central time,
• 1:42:33
  nine Eastern time. Every every Monday. Pull up a chair,
• 1:42:39
  get your wine, your tea, water, juice, milk, whatever it
• 1:42:43
  is that you drink. Come on. Thank you, Sissa, thank you,
• 1:42:46
  thank you, thank you. Yes, I'm going back to school.
• 1:42:47
  I'm actually going to nursing school. But we'll talk about
• 1:42:50
  that on the back end once I get accepted into
• 1:42:53
  nursing school. But I just anyone that's new Black Girl interrupted.
• 1:42:59
  I am on all streaming platforms. You can follow me
• 1:43:02
  on Facebook, TikTok, Instagram. I'm on Twitter. You could catch
• 1:43:07
  the live shows or any of my previous episodes on YouTube.
• 1:43:11
  Don't forget to like comments, share, subscribe, tell your friends
• 1:43:14
  to pull up. We're doing this every Monday. Every Monday,
• 1:43:18
  we're doing mental health check ins. We're not gonna miss
• 1:43:20
  a Monday. Black girl Interrupted will be back. I don't
• 1:43:24
  know a definitive date, but I will be back on
• 1:43:30
  Tuesdays and Wednesdays. I will be back because y'all know
• 1:43:34
  football season is about the start, and anybody knows I'm
• 1:43:36
  the biggest New Orleans Saints fan. But I do love y'all.
• 1:43:41
  Congratulations to everybody that is doing big, beautiful things. If
• 1:43:51
  Mischiona say this is my first night, I'll be here
• 1:43:53
  every time. Every Monday, MISSIONA we are doing our mental
• 1:43:56
  health check ins every Monday. I am again. I am
• 1:44:00
  working with a couple of therapists on the back end
• 1:44:02
  to get them to come and be on the panel
• 1:44:04
  with us, so there'll be another point of contact for
• 1:44:08
  anybody that is looking for any resources with regards to
• 1:44:13
  their mental health. I will post, like I said on
• 1:44:16
  my TikTok, I will make like a sticky note and
• 1:44:19
  post it on there with some of the resources that
• 1:44:22
  I've come across. I will list a couple of therapists
• 1:44:25
  that I have come across as well, because I do
• 1:44:30
  I want y'all to get healing. I really want you
• 1:44:32
  all to get help, because guess what, man, we got
• 1:44:34
  so many things we gotta do. Y'all and we have
• 1:44:36
  so much worth living for. On that note, I just
• 1:44:40
  want to say I love love, love, love, love, love
• 1:44:43
  love love love you guys. I will see y'all next Monday,
• 1:44:46
  same time, same place. Don't forget to like, share comments,
• 1:44:51
  subscribe Black Girl Interrupted us everywhere wherever you listen to
• 1:44:54
  your podcast, baby, that's where I'm at. I talk about
• 1:44:57
  any and everything we do. We do it big over
• 1:45:01
  here all Black Girl Interrupted. But I do want to
• 1:45:04
  say that I love your love. Love love love love
• 1:45:06
  love y'all. I will see y'all next Monday. I love
• 1:45:09
  you two sister, call me this weekend. We need to
• 1:45:12
  catch up. I need to check on you. Look at
• 1:45:14
  my boy, Troy, Hey Troy, look at my boy Pork.
• 1:45:18
  Love your baby. It's good to see you. Good to
• 1:45:19
  see you. Don't forget Pork. I ain't forgot about you
• 1:45:22
  because we're supposed to collab and do some stuff amongst
• 1:45:25
  our podcast. Okay, well, Stephan, Jane iView, I love your baby.
• 1:45:30
  I'm gonna call you in a few moments, and everybody
• 1:45:34
  else that's tuned in, God bless y'all. I'm not a celebrity,
• 1:45:39
  not yet, not chet baby. When we gonna get there,
• 1:45:44
  But we don't care about the celebrity status. Baby, We
• 1:45:46
  just try to make a difference in our community. But
• 1:45:49
  I love y'all. I hope y'all have a beautiful night.
• 1:45:51
  Look at miss Edith, Hey baby, how are you? Honey?
• 1:45:54
  I love you, but I hope everyone has a beautiful night.
• 1:45:59
  Love y'all, See you next Monday.