Latest / Harder Than Life / She Spent 20 Years Decoding Compatibility — Here's What She Found | Haleh Gianni

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She Spent 20 Years Decoding Compatibility — Here's What She Found | Haleh Gianni · Harder Than Life

• 0:00
  Listen, we got a microwave dating system here. ALO app in one word. Math. We give you the math, you create the chemistry. How do you go through all this? Seven minutes, in fact. Seven minutes. Seven minutes. You can do all that data. We can do all that data. ALO can't fix what kind of person.
• 0:20
  a serial dater. We don't do swiping. And also you don't have to kiss too many frogs to get to the prince. Settling or choosing peace, is it the same? We have to think of people are people, you know? Peace and passion can actually go together, provided that you have done the work yourself,
• 0:36
  that you have chosen with discernment that you haven't chosen another person just to satisfy status quo so can you have peace and passion absolutely are you settling for something that on surface looks good just so you can feel better about yourself then absolutely not so
• 0:55
  Haleigh Gianni spent a decade testing software and now she applies the same diagnostic lens to human connection. She's the founder of a relationship technology company called Ailo. It's a dating app built on what she's called artificial plus authentic intelligence. Let's get into it.
• 1:16
  This is my favorite time and with my favorite people at my favorite place. Welcome back to the Heart of Life show. Welcome to the Heart of Life show. It's growing like crazy. We have a special, amazing, beautiful guest and we're going to talk about some fun things. Dating and relationships, which you all know is my favorite. So today we have L.A.
• 1:38
  You spent years testing software for hidden defects. Now you test relationships for the same thing. What's the defect you see most often that people have completely normalized?
• 1:50
  Oh, that's a good one. Defect management in technology and in life. And if you think about it, Kelly, there's a common denominator. You know, systems reflect the reality that we live in and patterns are pretty much consistent and they can be calculated and measured. So what I...
• 2:10
  often look at is that we look at what can we prevent from breaking early on. You know, defects ultimately are something that broke, something that was meant to work and then it didn't and then it ends up pretty much being a, you know, the factor of what the whole system ends up deteriorating. So to answer your question, it's a multi-layer thing. It really depends on the people involved. It depends on...
• 2:37
  the situation, you know, at large, no two people are exactly alike. We're all wired so uniquely. And so we have to factor that in. You know, at Altuata, we generalize. You need to do this. We need to do that. How in the world did you end up? What's your background? We were doing it before we hit record. What's your background? How did tech become dating? Okay. So I'm,
• 3:03
  You know, what's interesting is that we're all constantly exposed to what works for me, got to work for you. Of course. You know, and we pass around these homogenized remedies, right? And relationships have to do with the people that are in it. And because we're all wired so uniquely, we really have to go into our own system first, identifying what works for us, what doesn't work for us, and not blindly follow somebody else's, you know, guidelines just because it worked for them. Right.
• 3:32
  So I was in tech a while ago. I actually started as a pre-med student, wanted to go to medicine. And then I realized I was actually at Grady Hospital in Atlanta. And I was paying attention to like the family members visiting the patient and everything.
• 3:48
  that dynamic. And I, from that point on, I went into really understanding human relationships, right? Like one patient didn't get any visitors. Another patient had like 20 people scrambling to get in. And I thought, wow, like what? We're all so different, right? And our lives shape out differently. And,
• 4:07
  I switched over to technology for God knows what reason. Medicine wasn't for me. I didn't want to be around that system for too long. And I realized even in tech, it was a lot of startup companies that I went into. So human relationships and the relationships of well-intended qualified people actually played a huge role in the success of the company.
• 4:31
  At the time I was married and going through my own sort of process of understanding, how did I get here? What am I doing here? And so in reaching out to get help in saving my marriage and understanding relationships, both professionally and personally, I came across a body of knowledge that changed the game for me. Oh, do tell. Yeah. You know,
• 4:58
  It was this technology, actually, because coming from like the numbers and the systems background and studying all of that, I came across an assessment that, believe it or not, quantified my traits in terms of what they mean within the relationship dynamic.
• 5:15
  And I thought, oh, my God, why haven't we been taught this early on? Because it would change the course of every decision we make for ourselves and also the partner that we choose to be with. And I brought that into my tech world, and I saw everything changing. I started working with the executives, with my team members, and then they said, well, wait, can my wife do this? Can my girlfriend do this? Can my husband do this?
• 5:43
  I'm like, yeah, let's take the assessment and let's find out how you guys show up and how you're wired uniquely. And then I transitioned into a private practice. And now here we are at my own tech startup. I forgot to look up when I called you to come on the show. I forgot to look up what the name of that movie is that I saw where they do the assessment, the national assessment. Did you happen to look it up?
• 6:05
  I know what you're talking about. And there are several shows, actually. I just watched it the other day and literally it was wrong. That's what I was laughing about. So I just love this because I'm a techie that went the other way. So I started in tech and now I'm in the relationships and the mindfulness and the psychology. And I just I'm fascinated with people.
• 6:29
  So we went reverse. Your story is remarkable, and I want to dig into it a little deeper. You grew up between Iran, Turkey, and the U.S. Three different systems of identity and belonging. Which version of you had to die for the current one to exist? Yeah.
• 6:45
  You know, I think for me personally, I'm the blend of my Iranian heritage and background and the influences of all these different cultures that I was exposed to early on. You know, moving from the U.S. back to Iran, then to Turkey, then back to the U.S., and then also the subcultures that are within the U.S. have shaped me to be who I am today. Which version of me had to die to be the version of me?
• 7:13
  That's a harsh word and I apologize for that. It's just what came out of my mouth. What should you have to, you know, we're always shedding layers of ourselves. We just came out of the Chinese snake, the year of the snake, and you shed layers. I had to unbecome the eight-year-old version of me to be here with you. Actually, that's my whole story. I had to unbecome a lot of things to be able to be here.
• 7:37
  to attract an equal partner. So what did you have to unbecome? And then to add to that, you also lived in San Diego, Atlanta, and now Miami. Sorry to give away. You guys, she's beautiful. If you're watching, don't. I'll protect her. But there's also very diverse cultures there. So it's almost like you had a little bit of an advantage because you're not Americanized and realize the American way of dating, which is, by the way,
• 8:08
  Awful, backwards, terrible, whatever word you want to put here, which you know. So you built this app. What was the biggest influence in building it? Well, one of the things for someone who's moved across countries and has been exposed to so much, one of the things that happened very interestingly around 34, 35 years of age is that I had an epiphany.
• 8:31
  And I realized that, and I'll tell you, we're accustomed to believe that you become 21 and you're an adult, right? You get out there and you're experiencing, you have this ego about you, that final arrival of my adulthood.
• 8:47
  But we really aren't. And we're still trying to figure ourselves out, you know. So at 34, we step into our, you know, the stage of midlife transformation. It's not a crisis, but it's the time where we question our identity. How did I get here? Where do I go from here? But it's only the question. It's not the arrival of the answer yet. But it's really the curiosity, the light bulb going off. Getting deep now. And, you know, and I realized that, you know,
• 9:15
  I was so influenced by, you know, the back and forth and the survival through all of these different, you know, transformations that were happening without my knowledge and my awareness, just adapting to the different cultures back and forth.
• 9:31
  that I was operating out of survival mode. It was more of like, how do I survive? How do I survive in school? How do I survive in this culture? How do I keep my head above the water through this marriage that was falling apart? So a lot of it was survival, survival, survival. And the epiphany happened that, you know what, you can switch that perspective and start thinking of worthiness of thriving in life.
• 9:55
  And how do I get myself from out of the survival mode into curiosity, creation, collaboration, and really becoming who I'm meant to be without knowing what that would look like? All right. You touched a nerve. Survival. A lot of us, I've been in survival. I would just, before we hit record, talking to Stephen about it, like...
• 10:17
  I all the work I've done on myself hypnotherapy, medicine, every kind of therapy, you know, the many EMDR all to get to the point where now I'm doing parts work and brain spotting just so I can still heal that little eight year old boy who is screaming, protect me, protect me, protect me.
• 10:37
  So there's a lot of people that are driving right now listening to this and they're like, I'm in survival mode. You touched on it. What did you do to get out of the survival mode? You said, how do I get out of it? And then we didn't say anything. Right. Give the people a talk. Okay. So the age is significant because it's actually something that applies to it. It's called a cycle of life, right? And it applies to...
• 10:59
  everyone it's our shelf life and it's all these different seasons we go in and out of so at 34 we arrive where it's tumultuous you just said your flight was pretty tumultuous to get here is that 34 for men or women or both really human life surprise you that i'm i do things later than everybody else mine was at 40
• 11:17
  Yeah. So it's a cycle, right? It starts at 34 and it lasts till 43. Oh. And in fact, most divorces happen during this age range, most relocations. Really? You know, career changes. The whole transformation happens. We enter this cocoon phase, this caterpillar phase, and we are still trying to figure this out. And sometimes it's magic, sometimes it's tragic. What?
• 11:40
  You know, it's a bumpy ride. And so when I sat at 34, I arrived to like the question itself. I didn't have the answer. But what had happened is that I was exposed to what I was referring to as this assessment, this body of knowledge. And it all happened because I was curious. I was seeking information.
• 12:01
  And I would look at different, you know, I would listen to different motivational speakers, different authors, therapy, and things like that. But it was just, it wasn't hitting the spot. You know, I felt like there was something deeper that I needed to know about, but I wasn't, it was a craving that I would eat around, but I wouldn't hit the spot. You know what I mean? Yeah.
• 12:22
  So when I found this knowledge and I came across this woman who actually had created it with another scientist at UCSD, and it was fascinating to me because I'm a numbers girl and I need to make sense of things before I can, you know. Yeah. So it all just kind of brought all the floating pieces of the puzzle together. And it gave me that clear vision.
• 12:45
  Now, what I mean by that is I wanted to find out why was my strong intention to be committed to this marriage, to make it work, the career I had, everything was becoming kind of getting uprooted and it was incredibly tumultuous. I needed to know why. I didn't have all the answers, right? Right.
• 13:08
  And this way of understanding my nature started to make the path a lot clearer and help me understand why two well-intended people...
• 13:22
  no matter how much effort they put in, just were not set out to last together. And that this career that I had, no matter how successful I was at it, still wasn't the one I needed to land on. And there was still more ahead of the path. What was your degree in? So I have an undergrad in biochemistry, but my master's is in systems communication. And now you're in dating tech. Yes.
• 13:51
  Isn't it funny how the world works? I graduated with a degree in criminal justice and I am in AI cybersecurity. That's my new five-day job. And now I'm a podcaster. It's funny how life happens for you. No matter what you do. Did you have to create a little space for that to just happen? Or did it just happen?
• 14:10
  Well, it starts with a question, again, with this like gnawing anxiety that, you know, you channel it differently and it turns into that curiosity journey, right? Like, so all of these different careers you and I have had and the studies that we've done and everything, they all meant something. They were part of your unfolding and becoming, right? None of it was in vain. None of it was a waste, right? So no matter how many careers have changed, how many companies have changed,
• 14:37
  of switched back and forth from it. It really, it's that becoming. So I think that for me, especially it was understanding like, where am I making the most impact? And because after talking to so many people professionally and personally, I realized it starts with the first choice we make when it comes to who am I and who do I want to be with? Interesting. I want to ask about those
• 15:05
  questions but i'm going to save that a little bit okay um so the name of the software is called alo and it measures six dimensions of compatibility what's the actual mechanism how does the app determine someone's magnetism score or timing readiness what data is it using and how do you validate that it works let's get into the nitty-gritty
• 15:26
  Of course. Yeah, that's a great question. So ALO, although as a new tech company, it's our startup, it's a result of several things. First, 20 years of research in developing the assessment that sits as a foundation of ALO to measure compatibility. The assessment has a patent.
• 15:48
  to its name. It's gone through seven years of peer review and it accompanies years of integrated practice of taking the assessment, working with real individuals and real relationships. So it's not an idea that just popped in our minds and we just put an app together and here we go. You know, it's literally validating over half a million data points across thousands of individuals. Right.
• 16:15
  Some I have personally worked with, some relationships and marriages I have personally been involved in putting together, some departures of marriages that I've also helped as well to make sure that it's cordial and peaceful as much as possible. So it's the outcome of the assessment based on understanding the science of how we are uniquely wired.
• 16:39
  So to go further, these six specific pillars were the result of taking the core assessment and really understanding where the specific areas that we have to factor in to understand the holistic nature of compatibility.
• 16:56
  A lot of big words, Halei. What is the one thing that makes the software so... I don't want to say good. I want to say that the outcomes are accurate. The good, positive matches. The outcomes are...
• 17:13
  on the up and up. Right, right. So first I had to dissect compatibility. I had to understand exactly what it means because sometimes we look at it as if it's one thing, right? People confuse it with chemistry. They confuse it with, you know, oh, we're both of a similar faith or we grew up under similar circumstances or we have the same drive or we have the same, you know, artistic. So similarities, because they hint at,
• 17:40
  into familiarity and comfort and predictability, they kind of just give us some sort of understanding that there could be a potential match here. There could be a potential compatible factor that we can work with. So what I realized that compatibility is actually multilayered.
• 17:59
  And different factors, hence these different pillars, play into the overall success and the lasting of it. So to your point of magnetism, magnetism is a big word, but it's becoming a little trendy nowadays, just kind of like authenticity became mainstream. And I want you to think of it from, and for our viewers to think of it in terms of just purely science. You know, don't think about it from a, the ooh baby, like, oh, I found you, find you hot. Thank you for clarifying that because that's not,
• 18:29
  what we're talking about. Perfect. Maggotism is an energy. Energy. So understand that, yeah, I'm so glad you've configured it because this isn't about rainbows and unicorns and butterflies because I will tell you, and I'm going to usurp the app, if you have butterflies...
• 18:45
  Run. It's familiar misery and it's familiarity. And if you haven't had successful relationships, that's what you're used to. And that's where the butterflies come from. So I digress. Let me go back to the expert. And we're talking about magnetism. And you're talking about multi-layers of attraction. Dig into that. Keep going. People are sitting on their cars going, what?
• 19:07
  Yeah. So magnetism is actually something that we take a look at from a, from a overall sort of additions. There's a lot of math that goes into this, by the way, you know, it's a lot of, right. So it's a combination of similarity, similar traits and opposite traits. Okay. It's your, it's like literally understanding and dissecting your temperament, your hard wiring, you know, how do you respond to stimuli? How do you, how do you regulate your emotions? How do you go through all this? This isn't,
• 19:35
  This is in the assessment. And in seven minutes, in fact. Seven minutes. Seven minutes. You can do all that data. We can do all that data. Listen, we got a microwave dating system here, guys. Yeah. With years of literally cross-validating these points that I'm talking about. So, for example...
• 19:55
  An active disposition person, someone like yourself, who is in the front line, who responds quickly to... Active disposition. I've never heard of that before. Yeah. Who responds quickly to situations, who could react, who could leap sometimes before, you know, because passion drives you, mission drives you. Right. These are things that are authentic. They're within your DNA.
• 20:16
  You didn't learn to be that way. Now, you may have not used them properly at some point in your life, but they're innately available to you. You know, but in fact, someone who has more of a calmer disposition, more of a behind the scene aspect of responding to life and life's challenges creates a magnetic pulse with you.
• 20:40
  Stop. Did you guys hear that? I want you to hear that. I'm actually working on that right now. The person that says the least and acts the least becomes magnetic. She just said it. I've been reading about this a lot because as men, we're always taught you got to be big and you got to be machismo.
• 20:59
  None of that's true. The quieter you are, the more observant you are, the less you speak, the less you do. I mean, you don't have to be a schlub. You can't be a schlub. But it makes you magnetic, guys. Yeah. I'm just saying that, again, I want people to understand. You do not. You're a human being, not a human doing. So to become magnetic, you just heard it from the brilliant...
• 21:22
  genius over here. So keep going though, because you're on a roll. It's a combination, right? So like there are parts of us that are very active, we quickly respond, and we need to know how to create the right opportunities for that part of you to show up authentically and to, you know, make an impact, a positive impact. And then there are other parts of you that are more behind the scene, calmer, observant, responsive with calculation and strategy. So back to what I was saying, we can't
• 21:50
  subscribe to a one-size-fits-all solution when it comes to personal development and when it comes to relational growth. We need to understand that there are different parts of us. And when we activate them at the right time, at the right place, for the right reason, everyone benefits. For the right reason. So what we're used to is the opposite is activating the wrong time, but the wrong reason is
• 22:12
  And that's otherwise known as a trigger, my friends. And when it's visceral, there's your portal to what you need to do. I'm curious, and I want you to keep going down the app. We've got seven-minute intake.
• 22:28
  Does it do you? I'm going to ask this. It's going to be terrible. I'm going to try to put this politely. Is there ever you go through the intake and you're like, you need therapy or I can't I can't connect you. You're not ready. Does it do that? Because that would feel really authentic to me if it did. Like, hey, we don't want you to continue. I mean, it's harsh, but I wish somebody would have said that to me. There's relationships that I got into. I had no business being in.
• 22:57
  It should have been hard stop. You go work on you and become better and healed so you can actually receive love. For many years, I blocked it. Yeah. A thousand percent. Would it do that? Does it do that? So let me clarify this because I've used this assessment as a one-on-one relationship coach for 15 years.
• 23:20
  And, you know, this was the result of, again, working with people in a very close proximity in a one-on-one basis. Not social media, not courses, literally uniquely crafted for every single person. So when they take the assessment, this is the only assessment of its kind that actually flags inauthenticity. Fatigue, loss of energy due to, you know...
• 23:47
  the improper life circumstances and the adjustments that need to be made. So yes, some people actually, you know, there's levels to toxicity and inauthenticity. I didn't go that far. I was toxic. I'll speak for me. I was toxic. I wasn't inauthentic. I was just toxic.
• 24:03
  Sure. And there are levels to that. And the assessment actually identifies that. Now, because, you know, we've incorporated into an app to scale it and to help millions of people benefit from this knowledge, we actually do take into account. So if there are, you know, again, signs of misalignment within the person themselves, the assessment flags it and it might take a little bit longer to find a match for you.
• 24:28
  However, the uniqueness about this is that using the assessment results, we can auto generate a profile bio for you. So the whole concept is let's introduce you to you first before we show you a match.
• 24:41
  Oh, I love that. Yeah. So, you know, unlike any other dating app, when you go there and you, you know, you look at people's bios, it's forced, it's cliche, it's the different remix of the same song. With A-Lo, you get your own authentically generated bio. And we provide what's called the needs insight.
• 25:02
  which breaks down all of those different aspects of you that show up authentically. And if I could give that information to people who are intentional with their dating and relationship, I can save a lot of relationships further down in the line. Yes, you can. Oh, I love what you're doing. That's why I had to have you on. What does this thing cost and how do they do it? Where can they get access to it? We'll put it in the show notes. I know everybody's saying, I want it. I want to check it out.
• 25:32
  Yeah, yeah. Well, listen, the process is that you actually have to download the app, you do the assessment, just it's free. You do the assessment, you get your bio. You first understand the core of what we're doing here and what the foundation of this particular technology is all about.
• 25:53
  Now, if you want to get matched, you actually have to apply. And you go through a very personal engagement with our team to assess the alignment between ALO and your intentions with your love life. So when you apply, then the process starts from there. Now, we have another feature to this that's very much needed for people that have already perhaps found love.
• 26:20
  But they need more data. They need more information to kind of nourish their relationship. And we have developed something called A-Lo Duo. A-Lo Duo is like you and your lady can take the assessment and you see your compatibility side by side. You see your needs insight, your profile bio, your...
• 26:37
  your compatibility through those six pillars and the percentages specifically defined for you guys. Because I needed to give couples some more information to be, you know, to further strengthen their connection. You didn't need to, but you were just a giver. I felt a personal responsibility. You're just a giver. You're like, yeah, that would have helped me.
• 26:55
  Yeah, absolutely. Everything that I do, it's a reflection of what I wish was, you know, there when I needed it, but also seeing the common, you know, repetitive challenges that people face. By the time this airs, correct me if I'm wrong, this isn't 100% out and race ready or is it right now? Is this, it's out of beta testing, it's ready? Yeah.
• 27:20
  It's out of beta testing, yes. By the time this airs, ALO 2.0 will be out on the market. And they can use the ALO Duo in the process. How do you interview people one-on-one when this is going to be thousands? This may be millions of people. Yeah. Yeah.
• 27:38
  So what we have done, right now, ALO is available nationwide. And without any marketing, without anything, we have been downloaded throughout 47 states. And we're getting hits from people from all over the country. Like, you know, someone in Michigan actually reached out and said, I've downloaded the app. This is so cool. I haven't found a match yet. Well, we don't have anybody else in Michigan. Listen, the dating pool in Michigan is really bad. That's why I found someone in Utah.
• 28:06
  So, but what we're doing here is that we're actually focusing regionally in South Florida. Okay. And our matching pool is available to South Florida. And we're going to expand state by state, major cities by cities. And we want this...
• 28:22
  experience, the whole ALO experience, the dating experience, to feel like a cross between this personalized, you know, matchmaker, if you will, that you would go talk to and explain what you're looking for, and also the benefit of technology doing a lot of filtering for you. So we have a whole plan in place, but we are focused on South Florida as of now.
• 28:43
  All right, HDL Nation, correct me. I'm going to throw this out there because you're going to get thousands and hundreds of thousands of views. And go to the app. I'm going to put the link in the show notes and fill out the assessment and get ready and bring it strong, HDL Nation. And so she calls me and says, stop.
• 29:03
  People can go take the assessment nationwide, right? Yes. Okay, so go, guys. Go take it. We'll have it in the show notes. Go take it and then get this thing ready. This is, I can tell you, coming from a tech background, this is going to be like nothing else you've ever seen. I cannot wait. I want to see it. I want to take the duo.
• 29:19
  Which is my next question is someone listening right now who's in a relationship that looks right on paper but feels hollow. They can't explain why using the A-Lo duo. What's the first thing that it will examine and what's the honest answer that they're probably avoiding?
• 29:39
  Oh, that is such a good question. It's so common because, you know, when two people get together, they often, especially if there is that attraction or something that feels right, they avoid addressing the things that later on show up. And not much later. But they avoid addressing it or just talking about it?
• 29:59
  addressing, talking about it, bringing it up, communicating over it, because it's uncomfortable and it might shake the connection that they feel they have. But they're unavoidable. They show up later on in the relationship. Oh, yeah.
• 30:15
  Right? So it's really important to be able to address some of the things that matter most to you. But I'm going to give you a very seemingly light example that might be like, oh my God, why would this be important? But it actually, there's a category along with magnetism called comfort. And we measure the comfort level between two people. And now I'll give you an example.
• 30:45
  If you are someone who has a more practical approach to life and your environment, someone who's durable, flexible, adaptable, that says something about the decisions you make in life, about the car you drive, the place you live, where you travel, how you travel, what you do with your towel after your shower.
• 31:07
  you know, versus, and there are people that are actually very, very particular and meticulous with their level of refinement. They're very meticulous. They're very, you know, in terms of their fussiness with their environment. There are some people that are very organic, you know, they're comfortable with a cluttered desk and things around. So we measure those things, quantify them in terms of range of tolerance.
• 31:35
  Does it really matter? Absolutely. That's the response when people say, oh, but does it really matter if love is there and there's intention there and there's enough effort? You can, you know, push those aside and not worry about them. Yes. Dirty pair of socks thrown aside. Oh, it doesn't bother anybody. It doesn't kill anyone. But it becomes the leak in your tire.
• 31:58
  Okay, in the relationship, if you're with someone who actually is bothered by those things, who has a higher level of refinement in terms of, you know, fussiness in terms of I need things to go back to where they need to be. But couples don't discuss them because they think, oh, it's so trivial. Why would I even bring this up? I love this man. I love this woman. I love this woman.
• 32:20
  I'll, you know, that will be just something I won't pay attention to. But we do have to factor those in because in building a life together, they play a big part. Now, it doesn't mean that they have to be exactly similar, but they have to be within their range of tolerance. All right. I have to, I'm going to challenge you. I know you're the expert. I know you're going to show me what's right and what's wrong. When I do that, so you just described my girlfriend and me.
• 32:47
  And there's certain things that she does that drives me insane. And every time it does, I look into myself. I do this thing. I got a mirror that I carry around and I look in the mirror. Why? Why does this bother me? Why does it matter that she tells long stories and all I want is the facts? Why does it that she needs to smother me when I say I need space?
• 33:10
  And then I start thinking about it and I just realized it's just the inner child in me that's just still looking to be safe. And once I heal that, that range of tolerance expands for me. Am I just uncommon? Is that why I look at myself first? Is that just uncommon? Yeah.
• 33:27
  Well, to be self-reflective is actually uncommon. We want to make it more common. We want to, you know, make it actually, that's something that we want to make more trendy. But that trait, that ability, and I think that is the result of what you have gone through in your life and what you have recognized. I mean, hence everything that you're doing and what you're passionate about and all the giving to, you know, people and the impact that you're making. But that's not really a common thing. Thank you.
• 33:57
  it's uncomfortable I gotta tell you that much yeah of course I believe that everything is I'm accountable
• 34:04
  Absolutely. And it's a blessing and a curse because nothing external needs to happen for me to be successful. Nothing external needs to happen for me to be good and carry my own in my relationship. Absolutely. But I want to bring something up here too, because in the everyday life behind the cameras and closed doors and social media and all of that stuff, what happens to couples is that
• 34:28
  they do get into the, you know, why are you like this? And if you were a little bit like me and a little less like that, and, you know, we tend to point fingers. We tend to, especially when we're at halt, you know, that term.
• 34:42
  Hungry, angry, lonely, tired. Yes, tired. Especially when we're at halt. Never heard of it. Our perception is altered. Our tolerance level shrinks. Our ability to forgive and to be more present and to look at your partner telling you this whole story and when you want to just go to the point and get over it, that shrinks when you're at halt. Yeah. Right? Right.
• 35:04
  Especially me. I mean, my background is when I'm hungry, it's... I grew up... We were... There was never any food in the house. There you go. So I... A little kid, I immediately come back to that little kid and I'm in panic mode. Yeah. So if I needed food, just look out. Right. Give me a protein bar now. Exactly. But see, you know that about yourself. You've pinpointed what that could look like, right? Yeah. When it's not addressed. So that's why the needs insight within the ALO app is really important because it actually highlights...
• 35:33
  your natural way of being, and it lets the person who chooses to be in a relationship with you or already is in a relationship with you understand where that behavior actually comes from, from a nature of what makes you you. And those are the things we actually need to pay attention to because...
• 35:51
  Training your mind and your behavior is one thing. Learning how to be better is one thing. But understanding what you are in your DNA in terms of your innate response and your innate way of being, that's already hardwired. You can unwire it. You can unwire it. Can you turn a lion into a butterfly?
• 36:15
  No, but this would be the Joe Dispenza work. The brain synapses that wire together, fire together. And I've undone a lot of stinking thinking. Right. Undoing the things that didn't work for you and there were negative influences, that's absolutely 100%.
• 36:36
  you know right and it's doable and it needs to be done right but we have to first look at ourselves as physical beings having a physical experience on this planet like other like animals and plants do you can't take a palm tree out of south florida and plant it in detroit it will wilt and die no no
• 36:58
  Okay, it has the wrong half. Now, can you tell, put that palm tree through all kinds of meditation courses to be able to endure the harsh winters of Detroit? It can't. Animals are the same way. You can't teach a bunny to roar like a lion. I was having this discussion, I won't name this individual, the syndicated talk show and we, you know, host and we were going back and forth and, and, and, um,
• 37:22
  he had this reverend on the call and they were saying like, don't be a turtle, be a draft, you know, draft sees above the surface, have the visionary big picture. And I kind of argued with that. And I said, well, you know, with all due respect, God doesn't make mistakes. Nature doesn't make mistakes. There is a place and a reason for that turtle just as there is for the draft. And we need to understand our unique traits and,
• 37:48
  and stop trying to change ourselves to be like, you know, the lion and the tiger and the panther. There is a place for the turtles and the bears and the elephants, you know, but we, through the human mind, we glorify and romanticize certain traits and we expect everyone else to behave that way. I think you just explained why I have, I don't know what the word is right now. I'm just going through a metamorphosis where you,
• 38:17
  I want to be this person. I'm this person. And I just keep fighting because if you see my body, I'll, I'll change. I will work on it until I can change it. I just told Steven this before we recorded. I'm like, I will keep grinding until I get what I came for. And I think that this association is what's causing my brains to fry right now. So if you're in that situation, what I've been reading about is to just be still pause, be still, pause, be still.
• 38:46
  Don't do, just be. And just give yourself a second. This is what I want to get into next regarding dating. The thing that I'm seeing, and I just was reading about it last week. I was on vacation. And I was reading about who's the actress that just got, Jessica Alba. Jessica Alba just got divorced. And before the divorce was final, she's already got a new boyfriend. I just saw the real housewife of Salt Lake City, Bronwyn. She's going through a divorce, already has a new boyfriend.
• 39:16
  What is it with people? And by the way, is that part of the app? Do you have to say that you're not in any relationship? Nobody thinks you're in a relationship right now because that would be like the first disqualifier. Like, I just, I think you should have a license to be able to date.
• 39:33
  And part of it is, how long have you taken since your last relationship? The number one mistake that I'm seeing over and over and over again is people keep taking, wherever they go, there they are. And they take their same baggage of stuff
• 39:53
  And they take it to the next relationship. This one's going to be different. This one's going to be different. This one's going to be different. And they never take time to see where their accountability was in the demise of the last relationship because they're already in a new one. What's your comment on that?
• 40:08
  Okay, I'm going to dissect this a little bit. Of course you are. Of course. I'm going to take it to the operation room. So you give it to me as a lady. Yeah, we're going to take it into the operation room because what you said right in the beginning, we have to really...
• 40:23
  just kind of break it apart. You said divorce and a new relationship. So divorce is a legal process. It's a legal documentation, separation. It's the thing that says, okay, you're now legally divorced, right? Before that, you're still legally married. But to start a new relationship, that's a different thing. Now, just hear me out because I'm not defending one case over the other. I'm just saying that...
• 40:51
  Way before the divorce actually happens, the heart has already departed, okay, from that relationship. Now, every case is different. I know we can look at celebrities and step back and be, or even our family members or friends or coworkers and say, oh, well, you know, this person started a new relationship. They're not even divorced yet, or that person took this long night, you know, and we, we want to, you know, sort of,
• 41:17
  take some lessons, if you will, out of their situation or perhaps give them some sort of analysis of why they're doing what they're doing in a wrong order. But when the heart departs, and we don't know every marriage is different, every relationship is different.
• 41:34
  You know, the new relationship, the new person, now, again, it could be that that person that came into the, you know, newly departed heart life, it could be that they're there to help them get through something.
• 41:52
  It could be that it's masking a problem that they should be addressing, repeating the same cycle. It could be that it's actually a very timely situation for them. So we can't just blindly assess everyone. Oh, I will. I will. And say, because some are coming from a place of lack, some are lack of awareness, lack of emotional stability. Some are actually very stable and it's very timely. So...
• 42:21
  We have to understand every person, every situation. Now, do I believe that jumping from one relationship to another relationship is a good thing? No, I really don't. There has to be data suggesting exactly that, that someone that, now there would have to be a level of honesty. Nobody ever admits that they go from one to the next. But I would love to see the data, and I just said this to somebody, my girlfriend the other day. I was like, I would bet you it's 100% better
• 42:49
  breakup rate of someone where there was less than two weeks to a month between relationships. Absolutely. Especially if they're lacking self-reflection. There you go. Right? That's what I was looking for. Take some self-reflection, not a day, and sitting there with your friends and drinking a bunch of beers and commiserating. Takes time. Go be with yourself and talk to your therapist and talk to your coach. And I've come up with this...
• 43:17
  for myself, I call it a TLC method. I like to do training, but I do mindful training, mindset training, and physical training. And then I do the learning, so I learn from podcasts and reading every single day. And then the C is, I'm still working on this one, is it counseling or coaching, but it's both. I'd like to see people use TLC. And those three things,
• 43:45
  And just pumping the brakes. We're not in a hurry. Because honestly, if I were to meet somebody and they're freshly out of a relationship, even if they seem like they have their stuff together, I'm going to proceed with caution.
• 43:57
  Yeah, absolutely. Well, also the system is set up to not promote what you just said. Your system. Yeah. Because every other freaking dating app is set up. My system is set up that way. Oh, just keep swiping. Yeah. Just go. Hey, just go in your DMs. That's the problem. That's one of the problems. The illusion of options. Options. I mean, it's just go in your DMs and then the filters.
• 44:24
  Yeah. So that's access, right? I was listening to someone who was saying like back in the day when you were interested in someone, you had to go, you know, through so many different like emotional, you know, regulations to find the courage to call them and to get their number and to, you know.
• 44:41
  And to really just then focus on them and be present and curate different, the courting cycle and all of that. And there was this level of, you know, intentionality that went into that, that with the sort of evolution of social media and dating apps and the swiping methodology and all that stuff, you know,
• 45:02
  you just stay real surface, right? The attention just stays on, you know, how good looking somebody is or how, you know, well, they make you feel about yourself by them giving you the attention. And it's really created a very surface level, you know, almost like effort that just stays at level like
• 45:27
  2.0 but you really needed to be at 10 you know to get to that really understanding of who you're dealing with So this hopping around just kind of keeps you like playing with the breadcrumbs Mm-hmm and not get to the main course. Where did you meet your husband? At the time I was right out of college. So it was in Atlanta. Yeah, it was in Atlanta So it was an in-person type of thing Interesting you bring that up because it ties into what we were just saying here
• 45:55
  Atlanta's a lot like Detroit. The whole demographic, they're very similar cities. They're like sister cities. So when you say Atlanta, I know. I've spent a lot of time in there, and I love Atlanta. I mean, we've been divorced for a long time. But at the time, I was right out of college, and it was –
• 46:12
  You know, again, being so young, being 23 years old, thinking I know it all. I figured it out. This looks perfect on paper and it looks it makes perfect sense. It'll make my family happy. I made a pretty actually rash decision that at the time felt very, very, you know, grounded. But it didn't factor in any of these, you know, core compatibility pillars that that we identify in ALO.
• 46:39
  And did you stay in Atlanta? No, I went there to get my undergrad. No, I graduated and started working a little bit right before I started my master's degree. And that's when I met my husband at the time. And then we moved to San Diego together.
• 46:57
  What was because the reason I'm asking and if I'm prying too much, just tell me to shut up. The reason I'm asking is more than likely your experiences really influenced this app. So what was the the the red flags that you saw and what ultimately fractured that relationship that then led into this app? Because that'll bring people in like, oh, she did it, too.
• 47:17
  Yeah. And it goes back to like how we assess compatibility, right? I've seen this with my life, with, you know, people around me, friends, clients, people that I've worked with, that what they actually think compatibility is.
• 47:33
  And I'm going to give you an example. Please do. I keep listening to women, entrepreneurial, successful women, talking about, you know, the whole alpha and beta and all of that, right? That they're so alpha that they need a guy to be extra alpha, right?
• 47:50
  to is there an extra well there's one well no i like literally like i've heard the term double alpha even which is insane somebody this comedian joked and said how many cold plunges does it take for a guy to be a double alpha steven
• 48:06
  So the idea is actually incorrect. It doesn't work like that. You don't need someone to be more driven than you to then, you know, put you. And also the misconceptions around masculine and feminine and how that gets thrown around is creating all of those things. It's just too much information.
• 48:30
  to do a whole lot of damage, right? So this idea that if you are a certain way, that you need someone bigger and better and equal in that regard to you to be a compatible partner for you, that's actually a disaster waiting to happen.
• 48:46
  So a woman that is driven, it doesn't mean that you need a passive guy, but it takes somebody who lets you wear the crown, who doesn't compete to be on the throne with you, who knows how to support you, who knows how to be their best version of themselves in whatever drives them forward. But you get two people that are the C-level, for example, that will just throw that level.
• 49:13
  thinking that that's what it takes. A CEO needs a CEO, a CFO needs a CFO, a, you know, an artist needs an artist. And, you know, that's actually not true. That's literally like short cutting the whole process and understanding like, no, the complementary traits create magnetic connections. It's not in your similar way of being. Right.
• 49:39
  So let's therapize that a little bit. Are you saying the best men would be the ones that hold space for their partners? Depends on who their partner is. Some women need the man to be the frontliner, you know, because they're great at supporting their partner. They're the supporting role. And it depends. And it's not reserved to men and women, you know.
• 50:01
  yeah it's such an individual type of thing but you need to have partners like you know a lot of times i talk to the whole word narcissism and narcissistic i mean that's another one that by the way i want to introduce you to someone sue we we have so one of my friends she's naples coming on she has a narcissist app we got to get you guys together but it's it's you know rebecca
• 50:26
  I'll introduce you she's a beautiful person I had her on the show before but she has an app to let you how you speak to a narcissist how funny is that yeah no I mean those tools are helpful certainly but again diagnosing when someone you know that's a whole other thing because some people are actually misdiagnosed as narcissists yeah by their partners it's such a common thing right borderline personality disorder all these sociopaths
• 50:56
  Okay, doctor. Right. But well, because that's pop psychology, right? You get that on social media and, you know, people talk about their own experience and then they create a whole process of diagnosing someone. And that's not true. Again, it goes back to overload too much information, causing a lot of misconceptions. It goes on blame. If I'm pointing at you and you're the problem, then I don't have to fix me.
• 51:20
  And again, there's one finger pointing away and there's three pointing right back at you. People, HDL Nation, go look in the mirror, heal and be better. Guys, go check out the ALO app. It'll be in the show notes. We like to end every show with a rapid fire. It's just, I'm going to read something, one word, one sentence. And however you want to interpret it. This is supposed to be fun, okay? Okay. But before that, is there anything else you'd like to say?
• 51:48
  About the ALO app or about you. I want to ask you one last quick question. Okay. What do you find attractive in a man? Confidence and authenticity. And it has to be unique to that person. Not performative, actually authentic. And I can spot that very quickly. Can you feel it? I can feel it. I see it. I can feel it. I feel people's energy. Gentlemen, because we 80% men, insecurities are loud. Confidence is quiet.
• 52:19
  That's from me. So rapid fire. Compatibility without chemistry feels like. Curious. Alo app in one word. In one word, math. We give you the math, you create the chemistry. Oh, that's so good. Biggest lie people tell themselves on dating apps. Biggest lies people tell themselves that they're romantic.
• 52:48
  I like this one. Think about this one because it's a duality. Clarity or chemistry if you can only have one? In the relationship? Clarity. Yeah, good. Where do people hide behind self-awareness? I love these because I do these too. Where do people hide? Manipulation. I would say blame. Manipulation, that's good. Gosh, you're good.
• 53:18
  The emotion most people suppress when they meet somebody they actually like.
• 53:26
  Excitement. Oh, you're right. Excitement. We mask it because we're afraid to show, you know, the whole love bombing thing. Does that turn you off as a woman? Excitement. If someone were excited, like when you walked in, we both were like, oh my God, you're so pretty. It's attractive. Excitement, passion is so beautiful. It literally speaks for you without words. A-Lo can't fix what kind of person?
• 53:56
  A serial dater. I love this. A relationship truth that could cut your client list in half if you said it publicly. This is tough. A relationship truth that would cut the people that would use the ALO app in half if you said it publicly, which you're about to say it very publicly to thousands of people. Quality over quantity. Oh, God. So good. We don't do swiping. No swiping. Swiper, no swiping. And also you don't have to kiss too many frogs to get to the prints.
• 54:26
  You ever heard the story of the scorpion and the frog? Yeah. People that are out there to be aware of the scorpions. Yeah. When somebody's a scorpion, believe them. And if you don't know what I'm talking about, Google the scorpion and frog. Okay. Oh, I waited to the last of this one. This is my favorite. Settling or choosing peace. The real difference in five words or less. Settling or choosing peace. Well, obviously choosing peace.
• 54:55
  But is it the same? So, okay. You want me to differentiate? Yes. And then we'll end it on this because this is a microphone drop moment. Because I see, especially what we call successful women, settle. Because we can just put this little boy in his place and he doesn't think so. And I've seen it over and over. Or unhealed people will settle.
• 55:21
  Right. So, well, when you, we have to think of people are people, you know, we're living beings. We're not, you know, it's, we're not objects. It's not like I bought this book and it's sitting on the table. Right. So that person has a heartbeat, has a soul, has different things that motivate them, has different traumas that they come with. And there's.
• 55:39
  you know, is all of that thing. But if you treat relationship as a checkbox that you just mark and off you go just to make yourself feel like, oh, well, I have a partner and this looks good for my career. This looks, you know, this satisfies my family's, you know, expectations of me and things of that nature. Then, you know, are you settling for that reason? You have to understand what you're settling for. Choosing peace, peace and passion can actually go together.
• 56:09
  She leaves this all the way from the end. You can have both provided that you have done the work yourself, that you have chosen with discernment, that you haven't chosen another person just to satisfy status quo. So can you have peace and passion? Absolutely. Are you settling for something that just, you know, on surface looks good just so you can feel better about yourself? Then absolutely not.
• 56:37
  this has been awesome and I really cannot wait to see this explode. This is going to help a lot of people. And I'm, I'm grateful that you took my call and that you came on and you, and you spent this time with us, uh, guys, HGL nation, jump on, download this, take the, the compatibility, uh, study and trust me, this is going to spread like wildfire across the United States. There's nothing like it. And, uh,
• 57:04
  Be kind and be patient. It'll come in due time. Thank you for being here. Thank you. Thank you for having me. I enjoyed our conversation.
• 57:14
  Please rate and share this podcast. I'm active on all social platforms and love to hear from my Segal supporters. Each and every episode is sponsored by my company, National Technology Management, the easiest and best IT company to do business with, delivering peace of mind with technology every day, even simplifying cybersecurity. Visit TrustNTM.com for more info. Until next week, be harder than life.