Latest / LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships / #12: How Parents Are Unintentionally Holding Their Adult Children Back and What You Can Do Instead

Transcript

#12: How Parents Are Unintentionally Holding Their Adult Children Back and What You Can Do Instead · LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships

0:00
SPEAKER_00: If you're a parent of an adult child, worried and frustrated because they are struggling to become independent, responsible, and find purpose in their life, or you want to know what to do to prevent it, you're in the right place.
0:13
SPEAKER_00: This is Launch, a podcast that helps you guide your adult child to launch confidently into adulthood.
0:20
SPEAKER_00: I'm Sherry Jones, author, educator, and co-parenting consultant, taking a deep dive into the ongoing challenges that you're faced with as you watch your adult child struggle.
0:30
SPEAKER_00: Each episode will deliver actionable steps and strategies that you can take to help your young adult become confident, motivated, and self-sufficient.
0:39
SPEAKER_00: Parents, if you want your adult child to achieve a life of independence, thrive in this world, and reach their full potential, then listen in to launch.
0:50
SPEAKER_00: I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is Launch.
0:53
SPEAKER_00: Have you ever wondered why your adult child is so unsure of themselves, so unwilling to move forward, and still so dependent on you?
1:04
SPEAKER_00: Do you often find yourself handling their responsibilities, solving their problems, motivating them, even though they should be doing these things on their own?
1:14
SPEAKER_00: They're full-grown adults with the emotional maturity of a child.
1:20
SPEAKER_00: Now I know that sounds harsh, but my point is this: if you're fed up with that type of behavior and you know that they're capable of doing so much more, barring any mental health issues, then this episode is for you.
1:35
SPEAKER_00: As parents, we all want what's best for our children.
1:39
SPEAKER_00: We step in to help, protect, and support, often with the best intentions, but what if, without realizing it, we are actually holding them back?
1:50
SPEAKER_00: In this episode, we're diving into the concept of being an enabling parent, what it looks like, how it impacts our adult children, and most importantly, what we can do to change.
2:03
SPEAKER_00: We'll explore how this parenting style, while rooted in love and care, can erode our adult children's self-confidence and undermine their ability to become independent, responsible, and resilient.
2:18
SPEAKER_00: By shifting your approach, you can go from being an enabling parent to an empowering one.
2:25
SPEAKER_00: And when you do that, you give them the chance to experience a sense of accomplishment and to develop self-efficacy.
2:34
SPEAKER_00: Self-efficacy is a behavioral term studied by Albert Bendura, which means to believe in one's ability to influence outcome and accomplish goals.
2:45
SPEAKER_00: Enabling parents unintentionally prevent their children from developing self-efficacy.
2:51
SPEAKER_00: So if you think your adult child can't manage their life and move forward, it's because they believe they can't.
2:59
SPEAKER_00: They feel powerless and hopeless.
3:01
SPEAKER_00: The good news is if this is your adult child, you can help them to break this cycle.
3:08
SPEAKER_00: Your goal is to go from enabling to empowering, and we'll talk about those strategies in a few minutes.
3:15
SPEAKER_00: Before I dive into that, though, I want to share another behavioral concept with you that will help explain why being an enabling parent can have such a profoundly negative impact on your child's confidence and independence.
3:29
SPEAKER_00: It's called learned helplessness.
3:32
SPEAKER_00: Back in 1967, psychologists Martin Seligman and Stephen Mayer first began studying this behavior by setting up this experiment with dogs.
3:42
SPEAKER_00: The dogs were divided into three groups.
3:45
SPEAKER_00: The first group had it easy.
3:47
SPEAKER_00: They were placed in a harness, but weren't exposed to any shocks.
3:51
SPEAKER_00: The second group experienced mild shocks, but learned that simply by pressing a lever, they could stop them.
3:59
SPEAKER_00: And then there was the third group.
4:01
SPEAKER_00: These dogs also received mild shocks, but no matter what they did, the shocks wouldn't stop.
4:08
SPEAKER_00: They had no control.
4:11
SPEAKER_00: Later, all the dogs were placed in a different setup, a chamber with two sides divided by a small barrier.
4:17
SPEAKER_00: They could easily escape the shocks just by jumping to the other side.
4:22
SPEAKER_00: The first two groups quickly figured it out and jumped to safety.
4:26
SPEAKER_00: But the third group, they didn't even try.
4:29
SPEAKER_00: These dogs had learned from the previous setting that nothing they did would change their situation.
4:35
SPEAKER_00: So they simply endured the shocks, even when escape was possible.
4:41
SPEAKER_00: And this is how the term learned helplessness became popularized, because humans, just like animals, will stop making an effort once they believe that their actions don't matter.
4:52
SPEAKER_00: In other words, when people feel powerless and hopeless, whether due to overcontrolling authority figures like parents, partners, bosses, and are exposed to constant criticism or repeated failed attempts, they will stop doing things or they'll give up easily and they will shy away from trying new things as if they're too depressed to even care anymore, which is what happened to the dogs.
5:21
SPEAKER_00: Anyway, this explains why some young adults lack motivation, they struggle with self-confidence and become so dependent on their parents, they lost their belief in their own ability to succeed.
5:34
SPEAKER_00: Now, even though learned helplessness is about believing that nothing you do matters and you feel you have no control, enabling and learned helplessness are deeply connected.
5:46
SPEAKER_00: And in order to break this cycle, parents must shift from enabling to empowering.
5:53
SPEAKER_00: By giving your adult child opportunities to take responsibility, make decisions, solve their own problems, and face consequences like an adult, you can help them rebuild their confidence and regain control of their lives.
6:10
SPEAKER_00: Here are a few situations of what we do as parents or have done that enable instead of empower.
6:16
SPEAKER_00: One, we solve problems for them.
6:19
SPEAKER_00: How can they possibly develop self-confidence if we don't permit them to problem solve?
6:25
SPEAKER_00: Two, we don't allow them to try something because we think they might fail.
6:30
SPEAKER_00: When we do this, we are teaching them to avoid taking risks in order to not experience rejection, which is a very normal part of life.
6:39
SPEAKER_00: Three, we make decisions for them.
6:41
SPEAKER_00: Doing this just makes them feel like they're incapable and they won't learn to trust their own judgment.
6:47
SPEAKER_00: Four, we overprotect them from consequences.
6:50
SPEAKER_00: For years, my son would bring me his schoolwork to sign in the morning at the last minute, even though I told him over and over again that I wanted it the night before.
6:59
SPEAKER_00: But if I didn't do it, he'd get into trouble.
7:02
SPEAKER_00: And I wanted to protect him from that.
7:04
SPEAKER_00: By us shielding our kids from the consequences of their actions, we deny them the opportunity to learn and grow.
7:13
SPEAKER_00: And five, we micromanage their tasks.
7:16
SPEAKER_00: How often have you stepped in and taken over something your adult child was doing or your kid was doing because they weren't doing it the right way?
7:25
SPEAKER_00: When I would remix the cookie dough after my seven-year-old daughter had already stirred it, the message she was getting was, you're not capable of doing this.
7:34
SPEAKER_00: Now, most of us are guilty of doing these things when our kids are small, but at some point, as they get older, we have to watch what we say, how much we do, and we have to allow them to figure things out on their own.
7:50
SPEAKER_00: But if up till now you haven't been able to do this, it's not too late.
7:55
SPEAKER_00: You can begin this process of empowering your young adult simply by treating them like one.
8:02
SPEAKER_00: It's with this intention that you will begin to see the adult emerge from the child.
8:08
SPEAKER_00: The actionable steps that I'm about to share with you are research-based and highly effective.
8:13
SPEAKER_00: Ideally, you should do them all.
8:15
SPEAKER_00: Start slowly, though, because I'll be honest, you can expect to see a bit of resistance, but stick with it because the end result will be worth it.
8:25
SPEAKER_00: Here we go.
8:26
SPEAKER_00: One, give them responsibilities and don't interfere or let them off the hook.
8:32
SPEAKER_00: Start with easy tasks like cleaning their room, making a meal, making their own appointments, then move on to running household errands, to paying their own cell phone, filling the car up with gas, and so on.
8:45
SPEAKER_00: These responsibilities on a consistent basis will provide them with a sense of accomplishment.
8:51
SPEAKER_00: Two, encourage them to problem solve instead of saying, let me handle this for you.
8:56
SPEAKER_00: Say, I believe you can figure this out.
8:59
SPEAKER_00: And if they resist, then ask them open-ended questions to help them think critically, like, what do you think you should do?
9:08
SPEAKER_00: Eventually they'll come up with solutions and over time they'll develop the confidence in their own problem solving skills.
9:14
SPEAKER_00: It doesn't mean they'll never come to you for your opinion.
9:17
SPEAKER_00: It just means they'll start trusting themselves more.
9:21
SPEAKER_00: Three, step back gradually.
9:23
SPEAKER_00: Learning is a process.
9:25
SPEAKER_00: Adulting is a process.
9:27
SPEAKER_00: We don't just drop our kids in the deep end and hope they learn how to swim.
9:31
SPEAKER_00: We begin with instructions, guidance, checking in on them, and then we let them go.
9:38
SPEAKER_00: Four, acknowledge effort and be optimistic.
9:42
SPEAKER_00: Here's where you praise their hard work and offer words of encouragement without stepping in.
9:48
SPEAKER_00: You emphasize effort over results, like I'm proud of how hard you worked on that, and you should be too.
9:54
SPEAKER_00: And let them know, especially in the beginning, that you believe in their abilities, saying things like, I know this is tricky, but I also know you can figure it out.
10:02
SPEAKER_00: Five, allow for failure.
10:04
SPEAKER_00: Listen, I struggle with this one, but it's really important that you give them the space to fail and then try again and again.
10:13
SPEAKER_00: There are powerful lessons that come from failure.
10:16
SPEAKER_00: In fact, rebounding from failure teaches our kids to become resilient.
10:20
SPEAKER_00: And that's one of the most important life skills.
10:23
SPEAKER_00: Failure is how we all learn and improve.
10:26
SPEAKER_00: We all go through it.
10:27
SPEAKER_00: There are no exceptions.
10:29
SPEAKER_00: And the last one is teach them to self-reflect when things go well and when they don't.
10:36
SPEAKER_00: I'm a huge advocate of practicing self-awareness and self-reflection.
10:41
SPEAKER_00: When we teach our children to always ask themselves, how do I feel?
10:46
SPEAKER_00: How did that go?
10:47
SPEAKER_00: What could I have done differently?
10:48
SPEAKER_00: And so on.
10:49
SPEAKER_00: We are helping them understand themselves better, make smarter choices, and grow personally and emotionally.
10:57
SPEAKER_00: So let's do a quick recap because this is really important.
11:01
SPEAKER_00: Enabling often stems from our best intentions.
11:05
SPEAKER_00: We want to protect our kids, spare them from emotional discomfort.
11:09
SPEAKER_00: And ultimately, we all want our kids to be happy.
11:12
SPEAKER_00: Going from an enabling parent to an empowering one means stepping back, encouraging them to do things for themselves, and supporting them while they navigate their lives.
11:24
SPEAKER_00: This is how you can help your young adult build the confidence they need to move forward in the world.
11:31
SPEAKER_00: It's not about perfection, it's about progress.
11:34
SPEAKER_00: Every small step they take toward independence is a step away from being helpless.
11:40
SPEAKER_00: By allowing your adult child to make decisions, solve problems, and face challenges on their own, knowing, and this is important, that they have your support as a safety net, they will develop the life skills they need.
11:54
SPEAKER_00: Remember, becoming an adult isn't about doing everything perfect.
11:58
SPEAKER_00: I haven't met one yet.
11:59
SPEAKER_00: It's about learning, growing, and gaining confidence with each step forward.
12:05
SPEAKER_00: I want to leave you with this thought.
12:07
SPEAKER_00: Your parenting journey is not about fixing the past, it's about shaping their future.
12:13
SPEAKER_00: Every choice you make today to empower your child creates a ripple effect that will lead to greater resilience, self-reliance, and success down the road.
12:24
SPEAKER_00: Believe me, your child is quite capable, even if they don't believe it just yet.
12:31
SPEAKER_00: And with your guidance, patience, and encouragement, they'll start to see themselves the way you see them: strong, resourceful, and ready for the world.
12:41
SPEAKER_00: Until next time, remember, progress, not perfection.
12:46
SPEAKER_00: I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is Launch.
12:52
SPEAKER_00: I hope today's episode gave you valuable insights and actionable steps that will help you guide your young adult to launch successfully into adulthood.
13:01
SPEAKER_00: If you found this topic helpful, feel free to leave a comment and hit the subscribe button so you never miss an episode.
13:08
SPEAKER_00: Leaving a five-star review helps us reach more parents who are dealing with the same issues.
13:13
SPEAKER_00: And if there's something you want to ask me, I invite you to join Launch Advice, my weekly publication where I answer one question from parents just like you.
13:22
SPEAKER_00: It's free advice that will appear in your inbox probably when you need it the most.
13:26
SPEAKER_00: Just click Launch Advice in the show notes and don't forget to email me your confidential question.
13:31
SPEAKER_00: And remember, no one ever said parenting is easy, especially when you're raising an adult.
13:36
SPEAKER_00: Talk to you soon.