Latest / Living Uncertain an OCD Podcast / The Surprising Impact of Late OCD Diagnosis and How It Shapes Your Life (OCD)(Episode 25)
Transcript
- Opening: Hello, and welcome to the podcast, Living Uncertain. This podcast is dedicated to obsessive compulsive disorder, OCD, and the primary treatment, exposure response prevention, ERP. OCD comes in many forms, such as contamination, perfectionism, checking, harm, superstitious, religious or moral, sexual orientation, and or relationship. ERP is the gold standard to treating OCD. and it focuses on deliberately confronting fears, the exposure, while refraining from compulsive rituals, the response prevention. With repeated exposures and without engaging in compulsions, we learn to tolerate anxiety and break the cycle of intrusive thoughts. We are a married couple that have faced both the challenges of OCD and the incredible healing that ERP can provide to your marriage, family, and your home. As a person who lives with OCD, I am much more than this diagnosis. We all can be. Marc and Stacee: Hey y'all, I'm Stacy. And along with my husband Mark, we want to thank you for joining us again and Living Uncertain. This is the podcast that talks all things OCD and ERP related. And welcome to episode 25 today, y'all, where we are going to be talking about late diagnosis of OCD and diving more into what that means and What you can do to help. It is difficult when you're diagnosed a little bit later. Yes. You know, especially that you and I have been married for almost twenty two years and Yes. You know. And we started thinking ab about it a lot today. so by the time that you all listen to this podcast, I will have turned forty eight years old and I was forty six by the time I got my diagnosis of O C D. And yet as As a lot of you know who have been listening to a lot of our other episodes, I've had signs and symptoms of OCD since I was in my teenagers, at least since I was fourteen, fifteen years old. And so I've just been kind of living in this perpetual worry and this perpetual fear for all of these years, thinking that it was one thing and realizing now at a later stage in my life that it is something very different. And that very different thing being that it is OCD. And I have had to go through a lot of treatment and a lot of therapy in order to help with my need for compulsions and my intrusive thoughts. In continuous therapy too. Yes. yes. Because well, I mean, it something came up again today as we try to keep these episodes as raw and as authentic as we can. We talk through about, we talk a lot about these real life things that come up that we have to deal with and and knowing always that OCD is going to be there. And we just have a better operating manual now to kind of interrupt that cycle of compulsions. But it doesn't mean that those aren't there. And it doesn't mean that the worry and the anxiety automatically stop. And I think a lot of what I've been reading too, and a lot of the research that I've been doing now, and a lot of others in the community that I hear speak on the matter or write on the matter talk often about what it looks like to be a late later stage to be diagnosed later in life. And we were always kind of labeled as the perpetual warrior, the the perpetual you know, person with anxiety, maybe we're uptight, maybe we plan too much, maybe we try to control. And and while all of those things can be true, what it is really is this need for convincing myself that everything is okay at all times. And for planning for my future. And for planning and then when I became a wife and a mother, now I'm planning everyone's future so that I can try to quote unquote combat anything negative or or upsetting happening. And so I would just spend hours upon hours, day upon day, et cetera, looping in my own mind, ruminating, if you will, which is 100% a form of OCD. And it is, as I've discussed before, one of the most challenging ones for me personally too. that's why I'm putting it out there to overcome and to interrupt the cycle of. That's a lot. And I just did it again today. I know. I know. And I'm feeling so what what happened today that you were? Well, so as I've said on previous podcasts, a lot of my compulsions tend to be caught up in this need for leaving things feeling just right. And a lot of times it's about conversations and interactions with people, whether it's an actual conversation or a text message, email, et cetera. And so I have to do certain things in order to feel like it's just right. And I've also mentioned that people pleasing became a compulsion of mine because of that just right tendency. And a lot of where it comes in to play for me is that if I agreed with everyone at all times, if I gave everyone what they wanted at all times, if I allowed people to think things about me that weren't true, I could go on for with more. Then that would then those would be my ways of allowing my brain to recognize, okay, I feel like I've left that interaction feeling just right. So what happened today? Specifically? So today I I spoke up and spoke about yes and and and okay, so the other part is that everyone who has been listening to knows that we owned a business. We now no longer own the business, but I was in that position of being the boss, the one in charge, the one in management, et cetera. And I gave a lot away. Time off, money, power, control in the business, et cetera. Because I was always feeling like I needed to leave things just right. To the wrong people. Yes. We've definitely established. But that was where I really recognized that I had a people pleasing compulsion. And that was my way of leaving conversations just right. So I'm used to just kind of agreeing with everyone all the time or letting them never trying to speak up, never trying to use my voice, always just being very A mouse. Yeah. I mean, and the l a lot of my life was spent like that too. Yes. And I spoke up about something today, nothing bad, just a policy and procedure that, you know, in the state of Arizona with our profession and what the requirements that we have to have. And so I said something about it to the higher-ups in the business and the company that I now am with. And I said it very happily, very friendly and Just said, hey, this is what I've learned and this is what I know that we have to do. And just in doing that, because I didn't feel like I had people pleased enough, I didn't feel like I had left that conversation feeling good. Because the person on the other end was like, No, you don't need to, but you're like, Yes. We need to have Right. You know, there's pieces to our licensure that we have to follow. Yeah, and I was actually correct. But because I was speaking up, I didn't feel that made me feel really uncomfortable. And so I spent a majority of my afternoon today, prior to us even coming here and recording this episode, falling into a very deep trap of rumination. And just like I couldn't stop thinking about it. I couldn't stop replaying the conversation that I had had. Replaying every every word I said, every word she said, every how long did it take for the for the response? And yada, yada, yada, like all of those things. I kept, I ruminated and ruminated. And then I started to worry about being let go from this company because of it. And then that thought started on another loop and another spiral where I thought, my gosh, what happens? What if, what if, what if? And then I had to start, which a lot of you know now, again, my very ritualized. Mental compulsions, which then tried to convince myself that I am okay and that I will be okay and that it doesn't matter what happens. And even if I try to to interrupt the thought process and the compulsion and for example, say, Yep, maybe I will get let go. Maybe, yep, I probably will. Yeah. And that's what I'm supposed to tell myself in order to interrupt that cycle. And I can do that. But this is the part of my own personal OCD journey that I'm having the hardest time with is letting go of the mental compulsions and the ruminations. And that has been what has That was the part that stayed hidden for so many years and why I became known as, just you're just a worrier. You're just too uptight. You're just always thinking ahead. You're always thinking to the future. You can't stay present. And again, all those things were true, but I had no idea it was related to an actual diagnosis of what I now know as obsessive compulsive disorder. So today I got like probably what, three phone calls. Probably. I two or three. The first one was to tell me about it and then I think like a third one because I think you were going through those mental compulsion compulsions and it wasn't it wasn't to talk about it, but it was just to have a I think kind of a trying to check in without checking in. Mm-hmm. Excuse me. And So I could tell that today you were a little dysregulated. Mm-hmm. I felt it. I felt it earlier. Yeah. And one of the things that I've been kind of tracking or watching kind of tracking. So currently we live in, you know, an urban neighborhood. Mm-hmm. And you and I want to move away from that lifestyle. We do indeed. With neighbors right up next to you and that type of thing. You move a little bit further out. And I can always I've started to recognize when you're feeling dysregulated. I don't like where this is going. I know. I'm really unhappy about where this is going right now, just for the record. You always you ask me and you asked me this afternoon in the car, are we gonna be able to get to that house? The house that we want to build. Are we gonna be able to get to that? Yeah. And I and once again it's that making sure that you have a a Strong understanding of your future or or right. I want I want certainty. Certainty that everything is gonna work out. I want the certainty that everything's gonna be okay. I need I I need it. I crave it. It's it's like I can't be without it, and yet I am working towards it and I have I have felt better now than I have in many, many years, where I am feeling more like I'm living in the present moment, where I am not feeling so much like I need to Find the certainty in everything. I mean, I literally tattooed the name of our podcast on my arm because that's the the saying that I use in my life every day now, which is living uncertain. But it is so much easier said than done. And I want everyone out there who's listening, those of you who have OCD and are struggling with similar things that I do, those of you who love someone who struggles with similar things that I do. And who also have diagnoses of OCD. For those of you who are just seeking more information about what OCD is and misconceptions that that could be out there, I am here to say that living uncertain is a beautiful thing. And I have learned to embrace it. And I have gotten so much, I I feel so blessed that I have gotten to feel what that feels like now, but it doesn't, it's not perfect. And it doesn't stay with me all the time and it's still a work in progress and I still have to work very hard. But what I think you don't realize either is like I live my day, my life uns with uncertainty as well. Like I don't know if we'll get to that house. Please don't say that. My my my hope is my goal, my dream, I you know, it's to get there. But I've re I realize that I've realized that you asked me that question when you're a little dysregulated. I feel that too. And and and I realize I realized it today. Yeah. I'm seeking that certainty that we are going to get to that future plan that we have. Because the idea of not getting to it is too much anxiety for me as well. So then I have to remember that that I have to bring myself back into the present. And I have lots of ways that I have to, you know, that I've learned how to do that as well. One of which is just to look at my arm and see what it says and remember why I'm doing what we're doing and why I do what I do all day long, every day, because I want to stay grounded in the present. But because I was again kind of going back to that whole idea that I was a late diagnosis, I've just been labeled the worrier all my life. I've just been, I've been constantly worried about the the other shoe falling and the world ending and the plan going awry and the And I'm just constantly in a loop in my own head about anything and everything except. what I should be in my head about or what I should be thinking about at any given time. Now it's I and I say that to say I've gotten so much better because a lot of our episodes have been about what we've been through, how we've overcome it, what ERP we've tackled and how much it has changed our life and man has it. And I'm here to say that it is a life changing experience to go through an intensive ERP proc program to go through intensive ERP with a trusted partner like I have with Mark. Like it is absolutely life-altering in the best of ways. I just get saddened and frustrated, I suppose, that I wish that it were more permanent because I still struggle and I still have to remind myself to do the ERP and I still have to remind myself to do to interrupt the compulsions so that I'm not winding up the cycle again. You know, it like with me being on blood pressure medication, probably part of it because of your OCD back in the day. No. It's hereditary. You know, in my in my family. But you know, I take my medication, you know, every day. Yep. But I go to the doctor every six months to have a med check. And every time you go to the doctor and they take your blood pressure, you're like, Yes, it's, you know, still low. I mean, honestly, that's what I I think about every time I go and have my blood pressure taken. You know, I always ch I do a check, you know, hey, where am I at? You know, even at home we got the blood pressure cuff and I'll check it. good, we're still in a good spot. Yours can change on a a dime. Whereas I know my blood pressure medication is gonna still be constant. And if not, I can change medication to try something different. Right. You know, with ERP, you you have to stay the course. Mm-hmm. You know, and and And although our intensive treatment has ended, that didn't necessarily signify the end of my OCD. Like, It's all done now. I have it figured out. It's all it's everything's just right. And it's gonna stay just right now for the end until the end of time. Yeah. That's not the way that it works. And again, having to embrace the uncertainty of having O C D too, which wow, I never really thought of it that way, but it it kind of is. And then you throw the layer on top of your OCD, which is your perimenopause. Sure. Let's talk about that. like I said, by the time y'all listen to this, I'll have turned 48 years old. And I am definitely in a new phase of my own life. And so shout out to all those perimenopausal moms out there. Those of us who have OCD and who don't, it is still a very interesting time in our life. But when you throw on something like hormonal changes, perimenopause, et cetera, with a diagnosis of OCD and what that means. Man, I think, you know, I I feel for for those of you out there who have are in the same age bracket that I'm in and are we're dealing with the same kind of diagnosis, it is not for the faint of heart, it is not easy. We are raising teenage children right now, which is hard enough in itself. And a young adult. And then well. He's an adult bunny's still a teenager, so you know, we're gonna call it what it is. But even raising young adults and teenagers in our phase of life, and then on top of it having A mental disorder like O C D that challenges your notion of reality because it's trying to trick you and lie to you so often. can be so I mean it's it can be so difficult and very overwhelming. And in those days that I feel more dysregulated, Mark's right. I will f I will focus in on trying to check in with him to get reassurance about our future because I am looking for that certainty. So I I appreciate you bringing that up, babe. Because now absolutely 'cause n now I gotta say, I don't know. Now I'm unsure. That's that's great. And yeah. And I don't and a lot of times I feel like once we put it out here on the podcast, like it's out there. So then I have to think about it and go, yeah, okay. I think he was right about that one. Which which is difficult because, you know, you you gotta look at what dreams are. I mean, everybody has dreams and goals. Mm hmm. But it doesn't mean you're gonna hit those targets. And life always changes. Like that's part of the miracle of life. And that's how it goes. And What do they say? They say that the I I don't know if I'm saying this correctly, but the journey is worth more than the destination or however they they will say something of that kind of phrasing. It's hard for me because of my O C D and I'm sure a lot of you out there who have O C D not to just jump right to the destination. I just don't I the journey, yeah, okay. But I I want the destination because I want the certainty that that's where I'm gonna land. And you I mean you absolutely have a hard time living in the the present. Because like just like the scenario today, you know, the situation happened in the present and then you ended up living in the past. And then I got home and we started talking about the future. Well, look at you. Man, you know this guy, I'm telling you. He could you he could run these ERP sessions at this point. You have a hard time living in the moment. Yes. Of life sometimes and and not able to enjoy it. That was the great thing about our our vacation that we just took is you were living in the moment. 100%. And I noticed it and I saw it too. Instead of living in the future or the past. And the yes. And most of the time on our vacations, it was never the past. It was always the future. Yes. You know, so to get you grounded in the moment, that should be your next home tattoo. Stay in the moment. Hmm. Interesting. Okay. I will consider. You won't put my name. You won't tattoo my name or anything. No. No. No. Stay in the moment. Perhaps, yes. Cause that's that's a big one. That's that's one that I see is is you you have a hard time in the moment. I do. And and I think that's where I get frustrated with my own diagnosis now is because I realize I I want to stay in the moment. I want to stay present, but man, that O C D man, it just sneaks right in and it Pops me right out of it. And it either pops me into the past or into the future, just like you said. Or most likely both. Just like today I had probably four or five meetings with people. And during each meeting I took notes, put them in the calendar invite so they were there. But I've already moved past all five of those meetings and I couldn't really tell you what I honestly talked about in those meetings. But I know there's a written history of it. That is such a foreign concept to me because I pretty much can verbatim replay every conversation I've almost ever had. Because I do it so often and so quickly now in my own it just goes there. And I have to fight the the need for it to go there. But how many of those conversations are factual or part of it are made up? That's Well I mean, I don't know that they're made up, but I think the way that I feel about them is manufactured at some point because I'm trying to figure out whether or not I said something or did something or wrote something that might have been misinterpreted or misunderstood or did it come across the right way. If I'm was I wrong, was I right? If I was wrong, my God, the sky is falling. If I was right, my gosh, they're gonna hate me because I shouldn't have said anything and I should have just gone with. Whatever everyone else said. and I though that just it's yeah. One of the things I do know that you've gotten a lot better with, and it's funny, I was you know, as you were saying that, I was I was thinking about something that your mom has has told you and I have told you back in the the the day. Back in the day. man. See, we are just aging ourselves so much on this podcast show. Back in the good old days. Like one of the things that she would tell you is stop telling me how I feel. Yeah. And you would do that to me all the time too. And you haven't done that to me in a long time. I'm glad. I don't I I I I thought that that was a misnomer for a long time, even when she would say it, because I didn't really understand what that meant. I could I mean I could understand what it meant, but I was I was so caught up in the You don't know why you were coming up with that. Why she would need to say that or why you would even need to say that to me. until recently, obviously. And then it really hit me. And now that you're saying that. I don't necessarily do that to you anymore. That definitely is a win again. for me, for us, for you. And that makes me feel good. I've come a long way. We've come a long way. And and and I know that people out there listening are also coming a long way in their own journeys or or ready to start and want that and you know, have the motivation to want to get that to that point too. I just have to remember that it is a It's a journey. Yeah. And you don't know what the future is gonna hold. Damn it. Even though you want to. So much. But we don't know what's gonna happen with our kids. Don't say that. We don't know if Miles will have to say that, right? We don't know if Miles will finish college or not, or continue down the p l path of what he wants to do for a career or not. We don't know if Avery will be successful in in person high school. And we're hoping both of those. Yeah, 'cause T minus, you know, twelve hours. Sorry, thirteen hours and First day of high school. It's just I've all I've always been labeled one thing. And now at forty-six I recognized that it was actually something very different. And now at forty-eight I've had the last two years to live my life differently than I ever have before. And I'm so grateful for that opportunity. And I just need to remember that I have so much more to Have and give and be and do. Even with the unfortunate future? Yes. You have all of that still, even with the un I think so. Was that I'm think yeah. Yeah. Certain future? I'm pretty sure. I'm pretty sure that I do. That's living in the moment. I mean. I understand. And I but I just have been a worrier all my life. I've been in my head worrying about everything and everyone my entire life to where I can't live in the in the present, where I can't live in the moment. And it struck me again today that I had another moment where I'm sitting on my ruminations going, man, O C D just snuck right back in again today. But I'm never gonna get to a point where it doesn't get that it doesn't sneak back in. It just gets easier. It just gets it gets a little easier and it gets a little well, it gets easier to recognize. And so it's not as loud what to do instead of. It's not as loud in your head, I think. Yeah, it's definitely not as loud. It's quieted down immensely. But And you are able to control it, but there are some times that it kinda rampant. But Yeah. And and to be honest, if anyone else were sitting here talking to us about this, I my first thing out of my mouth would be look how far you've come though. And you have to remember to give yourself grace. And I think it's hard to give ourselves grace because we when we still readily offer to other people. I'm I offer people, I would offer people on a journey. no matter what their journey, no matter what their circumstances would be, to give them grace throughout that journey. And that's something that I've learned. But when it comes to me, I just get immediately frustrated. You give grace you used to give grace to everybody for everything. Well, yeah, I mean that's that's not even I th I wouldn't even say that was grace. That was whole different it was a whole different situation. I mean We've made it we've made a policy in this podcast too to keep things more generalized when we speak about certain things and people and our past and our life. And I think it's a good policy. It's one that we'll we'll stick to 'cause it's to the benefit of everyone, including ourselves. but yeah, there was a there was a big A big change. I don't that's not the way I wanna say it. Not a big change, but a We had something really big happen to us. Yeah. But we made it through it. That was the that was the big part. I had people in my life I think what happened to us It didn't help. No, and I think what happened to us over the past three years or so that if our marriage wasn't strong and our communication wasn't where it is, our marriage probably wouldn't have survived that. No it wouldn't most marriages probably wouldn't have survived what we went through. Agreed. No it wouldn't have and I agree. Most most wouldn't. And I think that's why we're sitting here today. Mm. Because we do feel that it has you know, we've survived the the tidal wave. Mm-hmm. The tsunami. Yes. And now we're on on this side of it and we're able to talk about it and share our experiences and whatnot. And we w will stay here. Yeah. Talking about it and sharing our observations and our experiences and whatever else we f we feel could help in this amazing community of people because what we do when we have O C D to try to help ourselves out of it is not easy. No. So if you or a loved one has been dealing with OCD and has been going through treatment or you know, done treatment and want to come on and share it, you know, please let us know. Send us an email or you know. We'd love to hear from you. We you know, even if you want to come on for ten minutes to share your story. We'd love to hear your journey. You know, because it is a it is a journey and it's something that should be celebrated. Not don't don't shy away from your accomplishments because it is a it's a big accomplishment and other people would like to hear your story too because it's inspiring for other people out there. I know when you started going through your ERP, I was listening to some podcasts with people sharing their stories and it is very inspiring to know that there is absolutely just to know that we're not alone. Yeah. We're not alone as those of us who have O C D and Y'all who are spouses and loved ones of those with O C D are not alone. You know, so even if you're the spouse and you want to come on and talk about your experience, you know, you don't have to you know, say names or anything like that. Just come on and share your your experience. And if you're if you have O C D and you wanna come on and share your experience, we'd love to have you on and be a part of the show. So continue to like our episodes and, you know, wherever you follow us. You know, we appreciate it and you know, continue on listening and living uncertain with us every day. Yeah. Thank you all. Marc & Stacee: Thank you for joining us on today's episode and Living Uncertain with us. We are not therapists and this podcast is intended to provide information and support. It should not replace traditional means of seeking help from a licensed mental health professional. If you like this episode or would like to hear more, please like, subscribe or share with someone you think may benefit. Here at Living Uncertain, we're building a community of support. If you and your significant other would like to share your story, we would love to have you on the podcast. Please click on the link in the episode description and fill out the interest form.