Latest / I Do, Part 2 / Go Ahead, Go To Bed Angry Tonight

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Go Ahead, Go To Bed Angry Tonight · I Do, Part 2

0:02
Speaker 1: Hey there, folks, it is Friday, October tenth, and are
0:06
Speaker 1: you heading to bed angry tonight? Well knock your self out,
0:12
Speaker 1: welcome to this episode of Amy and TJ. You're not
0:14
Speaker 1: supposed to. We have been. Doesn't everybody know that's a
0:16
Speaker 1: hard fast rule. You're not supposed to go to bed
0:20
Speaker 1: angry when you're in a relationship.
0:22
Speaker 2: I have heard that for all of my life, and
0:26
Speaker 2: I have never been able to actually put that into
0:31
Speaker 2: practice as much as I would have liked to, and
0:33
Speaker 2: sometimes I didn't want to, And so it's actually refreshing
0:35
Speaker 2: to hear that I don't have to. Why do we
0:38
Speaker 2: think we have to? Who says that's the way it
0:40
Speaker 2: has to be?
0:41
Speaker 1: No matter what shouldn't be the goal?
0:44
Speaker 2: I think that would be awesome. But I think anytime
0:47
Speaker 2: you're told you should do something or you need to
0:50
Speaker 2: feel a certain way, I guess actions are different than feelings.
0:54
Speaker 2: So maybe you do something even if you don't feel it.
0:57
Speaker 2: But that also feels disingenuous, and I don't know how.
1:00
Speaker 3: I don't know.
1:01
Speaker 2: I've struggled with this concept for most of my life,
1:04
Speaker 2: and we.
1:05
Speaker 1: Are talking about it now. Look, this conversation comes up
1:07
Speaker 1: every now and again out there and whatever circles. But
1:12
Speaker 1: this week we got this recently from the Associated Press
1:15
Speaker 1: who kind of put it back out there because they
1:17
Speaker 1: were in conversation with a therapist who said, absolutely, knock
1:22
Speaker 1: yourself out, go to bed angry. You might be doing
1:27
Speaker 1: more harm than good trying to stay up and resolve something.
1:31
Speaker 2: Look and to that point, that has been something that
1:34
Speaker 2: I have learned to amend truly in my relationship with you,
1:39
Speaker 2: because in the morning things look different they just do
1:44
Speaker 2: at night. You're exhausted, you're tired. Who knows what kind
1:49
Speaker 2: of day you've had. You're bringing all of that into
1:52
Speaker 2: your feelings into an argument that might not have a
1:55
Speaker 2: place actually that you're now inflating the situation because you
1:59
Speaker 2: were dealing with other stressors throughout your day. So I
2:02
Speaker 2: do think in the morning you have a clearer head,
2:06
Speaker 2: better perspective, and you're refreshed, and that's a better place
2:11
Speaker 2: to begin having a conversation about something you disagree about
2:15
Speaker 2: versus a fight that takes place late at night. I think,
2:20
Speaker 2: don't I don't know. It feels like a lot of
2:22
Speaker 2: arguments happen at the end of the day.
2:24
Speaker 1: Oh, at the end of the day, when you're when
2:27
Speaker 1: you're tired, lost it, when you just went all through
2:29
Speaker 1: that hell at the office, when you just want to
2:32
Speaker 1: go to bed after you've had that after work drink.
2:35
Speaker 1: What do you mean this conversation isn't going well. Yes,
2:39
Speaker 1: you're at your absolute worst physical spot and mental spot
2:43
Speaker 1: at the end of the day, and you're getting hit
2:45
Speaker 1: with the heaviest stuff in conversation. And we're being told
2:48
Speaker 1: everybody knows this road, it's just accepted. It's the rule.
2:53
Speaker 1: Don't go to bed angry.
2:55
Speaker 2: Here's the reason why I think a lot of people
2:57
Speaker 2: subscribe to this just from a you know, I don't know,
3:00
Speaker 2: but we'll get into the origins of it. And that's
3:02
Speaker 2: fascinating in and of itself, actually, But I do think
3:06
Speaker 2: you're telling yourself.
3:07
Speaker 3: I'm not going to be able to sleep.
3:09
Speaker 2: I'm going to toss in turn, I'm going to be ruminating,
3:12
Speaker 2: like I'm going to be like going over everything in
3:14
Speaker 2: my head, and I'm going to lose an entire night's
3:16
Speaker 2: worth of rest because I haven't resolved this. So resolving
3:19
Speaker 2: it will allow me to sleep better. But I just
3:22
Speaker 2: I honestly am thinking back in my life, honestly over
3:27
Speaker 2: a fight that happened near bedtime or continued through where
3:33
Speaker 2: you should go to bed. I can't think of an
3:36
Speaker 2: instance where it was like, kumbai ya, everything's figured out,
3:40
Speaker 2: we're all happy, and we can all sleep peacefully. It
3:42
Speaker 2: doesn't usually get resolved in some peaceful, satisfactory way when
3:47
Speaker 2: you're already that upset, but you are.
3:50
Speaker 1: Also someone, at least in my experience with you don't
3:53
Speaker 1: know who this was before you're sleeping next to and
3:56
Speaker 1: doing this fighting with. My point my twice divorce love
4:02
Speaker 1: is that we have found some way and we have
4:09
Speaker 1: figured this out to where we do absolutely not go
4:13
Speaker 1: to bed angry, but we also don't spend much time
4:18
Speaker 1: during the day angry is the thing. We have found
4:23
Speaker 1: a way. We haven't mastered. This is something we continue
4:25
Speaker 1: to work on. But from where we were to where
4:27
Speaker 1: we are in terms of recognizing, I know you want
4:31
Speaker 1: stuff resolved, Let's move on and go back to being happy.
4:35
Speaker 1: Within five minutes, I need a beat, So even us
4:42
Speaker 1: it's not just a matter of understanding, but we're now
4:44
Speaker 1: respecting that in the middle of something going on, we
4:47
Speaker 1: need possibly two very different things from each other, and
4:51
Speaker 1: in at least respecting each other a little bit, it's
4:55
Speaker 1: led to some kind of compromise to where we have
4:57
Speaker 1: figured something out and the fights end before they even start.
5:03
Speaker 2: It's true because I now recognize what you need, and
5:10
Speaker 2: I recognize that when I actually extend that grace to you,
5:15
Speaker 2: you relax, you're not as upset, and therefore things just
5:20
Speaker 2: get a little bit better. And I think you recognize
5:22
Speaker 2: if you just say one kind thing or soften something
5:26
Speaker 2: just a bit, I relax and then things get better.
5:29
Speaker 2: I think that's part of understanding your partner's needs and
5:31
Speaker 2: not just thinking about.
5:32
Speaker 3: What you need and what you want.
5:34
Speaker 2: And I think oftentimes I had been in that place
5:38
Speaker 2: in my head where all I was thinking about was
5:40
Speaker 2: being right or justifying how I felt, or proving that
5:44
Speaker 2: the other person was wrong. That doesn't ever work, ever, ever,
5:50
Speaker 2: for anyone. So if you start thinking about what it
5:54
Speaker 2: is your partner needs, and that's really hard to do
5:55
Speaker 2: when you're pissed, but if you can really think about that,
5:58
Speaker 2: it dates things so quickly that even if it's unresolved,
6:02
Speaker 2: and even if there still might be a little bit
6:04
Speaker 2: of underlying tension that you can deal with in the
6:06
Speaker 2: morning in a very calm, respectful way. Just bringing down
6:11
Speaker 2: the tension is enough or preventing the fight from starting.
6:17
Speaker 1: Okay, so you said bringing down the tension. That's very
6:21
Speaker 1: very important to this conversation and what therapists are saying,
6:24
Speaker 1: at least to one the ap talk to bringing down
6:28
Speaker 1: the temperature. That says a lot about your relationship. If
6:32
Speaker 1: you're able to look at each other and understand and respect.
6:35
Speaker 1: We got a problem right now. This is not a
6:38
Speaker 1: good time for us to be doing it. We're going
6:41
Speaker 1: to meet back up and resolve this. If you are
6:44
Speaker 1: in a respectful if you are in a solid relationship,
6:50
Speaker 1: that's not a problem because oftentimes people will do that
6:53
Speaker 1: and then they don't follow up. I'm like, okay, let's
6:55
Speaker 1: talk about this later, and you don't talk about it later,
6:58
Speaker 1: and this goes and goes and go. But even in
7:00
Speaker 1: the heat of the moment, even if you don't resolve it,
7:03
Speaker 1: at least a good thing to do is to say, hey,
7:06
Speaker 1: let's revisit this or even this they suggested, you know what,
7:10
Speaker 1: we're tired right now, but tomorrow, let's do coffee. Let's
7:13
Speaker 1: take eleven o'clock, I'll meet you blah blah blah and
7:15
Speaker 1: talk instet a plan for doing it. That's intentional, that's.
7:18
Speaker 2: Mature, agreed, And I think a lot of times there
7:21
Speaker 2: is so much of the anger and the ego that
7:25
Speaker 2: comes into this comes into play. Is this fear right?
7:30
Speaker 2: So if you can at least just say I love you.
7:33
Speaker 2: We don't agree on this, we can talk more about it,
7:35
Speaker 2: but I love you like just and I know this
7:37
Speaker 2: is the last thing you want to say sometimes when
7:39
Speaker 2: you're mad at somebody some but just that little bit
7:44
Speaker 2: of reassurance that we're gonna get through this. This isn't
7:47
Speaker 2: we got to figure this out. But you know a
7:50
Speaker 2: lot of people in a moment of anger and frustration
7:53
Speaker 2: will do the opposite and say I'm done, We're over,
7:56
Speaker 2: I can't do this anymore. And some people even throw
7:59
Speaker 2: the D word out, or they're like divorce or their breakup,
8:01
Speaker 2: or threaten all sorts of things because they're so angry,
8:05
Speaker 2: because they're actually so afraid that you start going nuclear.
8:08
Speaker 2: And then the other it's yes, I think all of
8:13
Speaker 2: us have been there at one point in our lives.
8:15
Speaker 1: If you find this out and I found this out
8:16
Speaker 1: about you, and it's yes, it's hard sometimes because you
8:19
Speaker 1: do you piss me off, and we're back and forth
8:22
Speaker 1: and something's happening. I know all you need is your
8:27
Speaker 1: handheld or and I love you, or a simple something
8:31
Speaker 1: and it's all gone right.
8:32
Speaker 2: But the point is now, when you say I love you,
8:34
Speaker 2: I look at you with a side eye because I'm like,
8:37
Speaker 2: is that a placating I love you?
8:40
Speaker 1: And I love you? Now it's got to come in
8:42
Speaker 1: different degrees. I love you.
8:44
Speaker 2: I know I'll take it and I appreciate it, and
8:46
Speaker 2: I actually think it Actually it's not manipulative because I
8:49
Speaker 2: know you do love me. But sometimes I am laughing
8:52
Speaker 2: because I'm like, I think he's saying that because he
8:54
Speaker 2: wants to say something else, but he's reminding himself that
8:56
Speaker 2: he loves.
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Speaker 3: And I agree.
9:00
Speaker 2: I mean, likewise what I have been doing, because I
9:04
Speaker 2: am somebody who tends to react emotionally, and I know
9:07
Speaker 2: that about myself.
9:08
Speaker 3: I've learned that about myself, and.
9:10
Speaker 2: I instead, if I can just literally take a breath,
9:14
Speaker 2: take a walk, take a beat, go to the bathroom,
9:17
Speaker 2: just breathe in and breathe out, and then come back
9:19
Speaker 2: and say why was I mad?
9:20
Speaker 1: Again?
9:20
Speaker 2: Like sometimes actually, just give yourself ninety seconds, give yourself
9:25
Speaker 2: three minutes, and you'll actually say, wow, I was I
9:30
Speaker 2: was coming at that from a place of insecurity or
9:33
Speaker 2: a place of I was trying to interpret something that
9:37
Speaker 2: I actually don't know what the meaning was. And so
9:40
Speaker 2: I've learned that taking a beat is everything. Taking a
9:45
Speaker 2: breath is everything.
9:47
Speaker 1: This So this is I'll pick up on your point
9:50
Speaker 1: there with what therapists use. Now, this is an actual
9:53
Speaker 1: tool therapists use when they're counseling couples, the halt. Had
9:58
Speaker 1: you heard of this before? No, not either, but the
10:01
Speaker 1: halt theory, Yes, H A L T. When you are
10:06
Speaker 1: any of these things, you should avoid a fight. You
10:10
Speaker 1: should avoid a serious discussion when you're what robes and
10:15
Speaker 1: it's halt. It's very easy to remember, isn't it ridiculous? Like, well,
10:20
Speaker 1: obviously remember this.
10:22
Speaker 2: I'm laughing because this is so Yes, it's basic, and
10:27
Speaker 2: it should be self. It should be something you like.
10:30
Speaker 2: Self evident is the word I was looking for. Yes,
10:32
Speaker 2: thank you, but it speaks to me.
10:35
Speaker 1: Yes.
10:36
Speaker 2: So if you are h hungry, a angry, l lonely,
10:43
Speaker 2: or t tired, you should avoid serious conversations. And you
10:48
Speaker 2: know what, That sounds obvious, But I go back and
10:51
Speaker 2: think about the times where I'm not proud of what
10:53
Speaker 2: I said, or proud of how I acted or reacted.
10:56
Speaker 2: I was one of those four things or all of
10:59
Speaker 2: them combined. Yah, And on a so instant, I actually
11:02
Speaker 2: would love statistics on this. How many fights happen on
11:05
Speaker 2: Friday night? I bet you a lot of fights happen
11:09
Speaker 2: on Friday night because you've just had a long week.
11:12
Speaker 2: A lot of folks we are I would say, lucky
11:15
Speaker 2: to spend most of our time together, but a lot
11:17
Speaker 2: of folks that spend a lot of time apart there
11:19
Speaker 2: might have been built up resentments. They haven't had a
11:21
Speaker 2: chance to talk about it. Friday night comes, you've stuck together,
11:24
Speaker 2: and all of a sudden it just comes out. And
11:28
Speaker 2: you are probably hungry, angry, lonely, and tired at the
11:31
Speaker 2: end of the week because you've been dealing with a
11:34
Speaker 2: bunch of shit on your own. You're pissed about it,
11:36
Speaker 2: you're exhausted from the week, and you probably haven't eaten.
11:41
Speaker 1: Let's talk about it.
11:43
Speaker 2: Let's have a conversation about how our week went together,
11:46
Speaker 2: where we have some bones to pick with one another.
11:48
Speaker 1: Last thing you want, But it is fascinating rope. Everybody
11:52
Speaker 1: understands this concept. Okay, understand that it's whatever rule, for
11:56
Speaker 1: whatever reason that's been given to us. The upsides, though
12:00
Speaker 1: you're talking about it earlier, some people you know you
12:03
Speaker 1: feel better. I can't sleep with this on my heart
12:05
Speaker 1: on my brain and they need something resolved. Does that
12:09
Speaker 1: make sense?
12:10
Speaker 3: Yes?
12:10
Speaker 2: And I think that the intention is a good one,
12:14
Speaker 2: but it doesn't ever usually end with the result you
12:19
Speaker 2: were hoping for. I mean, sometimes it can be, and
12:21
Speaker 2: kudos to people who can pull that off. But I
12:23
Speaker 2: do feel like if the reason for the timing is
12:26
Speaker 2: so I can actually sleep better tonight, it might not
12:30
Speaker 2: end the way you want it to.
12:31
Speaker 1: Okay, you would appreciate this on that point. About this
12:35
Speaker 1: is what the therapists say, and it makes sense what
12:36
Speaker 1: you hear, and everybody in a relationship, my goodness, ask yourself.
12:40
Speaker 1: This robes. If you're anxious after you get in a
12:46
Speaker 1: fight with the person.
12:47
Speaker 3: You always anxious after I get into a fight.
12:49
Speaker 1: But here's this. If you're anxious and they say about
12:52
Speaker 1: the going this lay, I need to resolve this because
12:54
Speaker 1: I'm anxious about my relationship. I'm anxious that this thing hasn't.
12:58
Speaker 3: Yes, I relate to that completely.
13:01
Speaker 1: But here's the thing that the therapists are saying you
13:03
Speaker 1: should ask yourself about your relationship. What are you anxious about? Yeah,
13:07
Speaker 1: just because you have a challenge, you shouldn't be worried
13:11
Speaker 1: that the relationship won't be there in the morning. People
13:14
Speaker 1: in steady and calm and happy and solid relationships and
13:19
Speaker 1: issue comes up. Okay, we have a problem. I can
13:22
Speaker 1: sleep on it. I'm going to feel better in the morning.
13:24
Speaker 1: But you know, when I get up in the morning,
13:25
Speaker 1: I'm still gonna love him, still gonna love her, and
13:29
Speaker 1: we're gonna be Okay. We just got this thing. We
13:31
Speaker 1: got it. It's not the end of the world. And
13:33
Speaker 1: solid relationships understand that, and you should sleep just fine
13:37
Speaker 1: at night.
13:38
Speaker 3: Is the argument correct?
13:39
Speaker 2: And I definitely can say that I am, and we
13:45
Speaker 2: are at that place, but especially in early stages of relationships,
13:49
Speaker 2: or I think at different phases where different things have happened,
13:54
Speaker 2: where trust has been in some instances has been tested.
13:58
Speaker 2: It's just a scary thing. And I look, I think
14:02
Speaker 2: I can speak to this. If you love someone so much,
14:06
Speaker 2: you have to have that same love for yourself. If
14:10
Speaker 2: you don't love yourself as much as you love the
14:12
Speaker 2: person you're with, you have an imbalance and you are
14:16
Speaker 2: going to have to investigate why you feel so needy
14:20
Speaker 2: or anxious or concerned. It might be the relationship itself,
14:23
Speaker 2: it might be the person you're with. But I think
14:25
Speaker 2: sometimes it's important to take those feelings and use them
14:29
Speaker 2: for self reflection and self examination and ask yourself, why
14:33
Speaker 2: do I feel so needy? What is it that I
14:37
Speaker 2: think this person should be doing for me or to
14:40
Speaker 2: make me feel better? And I think when you can
14:43
Speaker 2: make those really important self reflections and truly get curious
14:48
Speaker 2: about why you feel the way you feel, it will
14:50
Speaker 2: only help improve your relationship with that other person. And
14:54
Speaker 2: so I just I think that anytime you're feeling those
14:57
Speaker 2: strong feelings, it's it's your body telling you to do
15:04
Speaker 2: some examination.
15:07
Speaker 1: Well, look, I didn't know where it came from. It
15:10
Speaker 1: sounded like something that a therapist or a counselor came
15:13
Speaker 1: up with, this idea you should never go to bed angry.
15:17
Speaker 1: Well stay here, folks. Maybe you already know it, or
15:20
Speaker 1: maybe you'll be surprised like us to find out it's origins.
15:24
Speaker 1: And would you believe, yes, it's in the Bible. All right, folks,
15:37
Speaker 1: we continue now. I guess breaking down or debunking to
15:42
Speaker 1: some degree, this rule we all thought was written in stone.
15:48
Speaker 1: If you're in a relationship, you do not go to
15:50
Speaker 1: bed angry, or at least that should be the goal.
15:52
Speaker 1: But certainly a lot of people do go to bed angry,
15:56
Speaker 1: of course. But the Associated Press we saw a recent
15:59
Speaker 1: article they just did in which they talk to therapists
16:02
Speaker 1: who are saying, we need to get rid of this
16:04
Speaker 1: idea because it's even it's unhealthy sometimes to think that
16:07
Speaker 1: you need to stay awake until the issue is resolved.
16:11
Speaker 1: It's midnight, we had a bottle of wine. It's been
16:15
Speaker 1: a long week. You really want to do this right now, ropes.
16:18
Speaker 3: You know, it's funny.
16:19
Speaker 2: That's so in our past, in our rear view mirror.
16:22
Speaker 2: But early on that did happen, and I did. You
16:27
Speaker 2: would hear me push.
16:28
Speaker 3: No, I want to talk now. No, I want to
16:30
Speaker 3: talk now. I want to I.
16:31
Speaker 2: Want to get through this now, And always nothing. I
16:36
Speaker 2: can't think of one time something got resolved and we didn't.
16:42
Speaker 2: This didn't happen often, but the few times it did,
16:45
Speaker 2: I always in the morning, I would wake up going, why.
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Speaker 3: Why did I insist? Because it's it's so.
16:52
Speaker 2: Much clearer this morning. I understand so much better now
16:57
Speaker 2: and I do think. I mean, we haven't had any
17:00
Speaker 2: like that recently, but it's not to say it couldn't
17:03
Speaker 2: happen again. But through experience, I really do feel like
17:08
Speaker 2: and I love getting permission from a therapist to say,
17:13
Speaker 2: go ahead, go to bed pissed off, but go to
17:17
Speaker 2: bed pissed off knowing that things will get better in
17:19
Speaker 2: the morning, knowing that you're gonna be able to have
17:22
Speaker 2: a better, healthier, more rested conversation in the morning that
17:28
Speaker 2: will actually be constructive.
17:31
Speaker 1: Oh that's my go to. Now I can end all
17:34
Speaker 1: of our fights by just saying, let's talk about it
17:35
Speaker 1: in the morning. I don't care if it's nine am
17:38
Speaker 1: when we have in our fights. Let's just talk about
17:40
Speaker 1: it tomorrow morning. Now, because you have seen it work.
17:44
Speaker 1: Sometimes in the moment, people just can't control themselves, so
17:48
Speaker 1: we need to create another moment outside of this one.
17:51
Speaker 1: So yeah, it's been working. Now, how I thought this
17:55
Speaker 1: was a good This is a useful tip here. This
17:57
Speaker 1: is a pro tip that they give for how you
17:59
Speaker 1: can avoid I guess those moments of unsafety, those moments
18:04
Speaker 1: where you don't feel like you can't express yourself, those
18:07
Speaker 1: moments where of anxiety that you, I don't know, are
18:10
Speaker 1: afraid to go to bed angry. They said, create habits
18:16
Speaker 1: of communication to where ask your partner every day, how
18:20
Speaker 1: is your day or how was your morning? Or how
18:22
Speaker 1: did that thing go? Or even if they go to
18:24
Speaker 1: the grocery story, do you have any issues getting done
18:26
Speaker 1: to out? Did the god at the front desk bother you?
18:28
Speaker 1: Or did that crazy lady at the checkout count I
18:32
Speaker 1: should give your heart like what you're doing is creating
18:35
Speaker 1: little habits and openings for your partner to be okay
18:38
Speaker 1: talking to you when there is any issue, to where
18:41
Speaker 1: we don't have to blow up at some big issue
18:44
Speaker 1: that comes. It's constant communication to where you know that
18:47
Speaker 1: your partner might be a little down, a little sad,
18:50
Speaker 1: a little annoyed by something you did. It's just regular
18:53
Speaker 1: check in. So I thought that was a good time.
18:54
Speaker 2: Well, I think that exactly creates what people want more
19:00
Speaker 2: than anything in a relationship, which is emotional security. So
19:04
Speaker 2: if you feel like I can tell my or not
19:07
Speaker 2: just I can tell my partner, but my partner cares
19:09
Speaker 2: enough to ask me about what happened, and if I
19:13
Speaker 2: share something bad that happened, he can be there to
19:16
Speaker 2: comfort me. Or to at least, you know, give me
19:20
Speaker 2: some sort of place where I can just vent and
19:25
Speaker 2: knowing that you've got that person you can say anything
19:28
Speaker 2: too and share anything with. When you stop sharing things
19:33
Speaker 2: with your partner, when you stop feeling like you can
19:35
Speaker 2: tell your partner something that happened to you bad, sad, scary,
19:39
Speaker 2: that's a red flag. And it's not that it's not
19:42
Speaker 2: it's it's surmountable. You can overcome it. You just have
19:45
Speaker 2: to be aware of it.
19:46
Speaker 3: And if you are starting to get to that place,
19:48
Speaker 3: that is a warning sign.
19:49
Speaker 2: Hey, we need to do better at communicating and making
19:52
Speaker 2: each other feel secure in each other's problems and issues
19:57
Speaker 2: and just being willing to resolve them together. I ask you, Yeah,
20:02
Speaker 2: you're really good about asking me how my day went,
20:05
Speaker 2: how I'm feeling.
20:06
Speaker 1: There was something recently and I made sure I may
20:10
Speaker 1: I don't know if it was your nails, or there
20:12
Speaker 1: was something that seemingly was mineor and I made a point, Ah,
20:15
Speaker 1: I've got to make sure I ask her how that went,
20:18
Speaker 1: because it seemed like a shitty thing to do. Now,
20:21
Speaker 1: even ask about your experience where you had just been
20:24
Speaker 1: it actually registered to me. I remember this the other day.
20:26
Speaker 2: Well, I think we don't spend a lot of time apart,
20:28
Speaker 2: but we have a couple of times here and there,
20:30
Speaker 2: Like it is a nail appointment. It's something as insignificant
20:34
Speaker 2: as that, where we're hey, wow, I haven't seen you
20:38
Speaker 2: in an hour.
20:38
Speaker 3: How did your nails go?
20:40
Speaker 1: Texting you in the bathroom? Hey, did you have a
20:42
Speaker 1: good shampoo?
20:44
Speaker 2: No? But those things do matter, and it may seem like, wow,
20:48
Speaker 2: I need to Even if you have to tell yourself
20:50
Speaker 2: to do it, it does make a difference.
20:52
Speaker 3: It does make someone feel like that person cares about
20:56
Speaker 3: me and cares about what's happened.
20:58
Speaker 1: I don't have to tell you or bother you with
21:02
Speaker 1: some complaint. I have you gave me permission? You want
21:06
Speaker 1: to hear how I'm doing, and this is how I'm doing. Yeah,
21:08
Speaker 1: a lot of people just need permission. And I thought
21:11
Speaker 1: that was a great, great tip. But I did not
21:13
Speaker 1: know Robes there are some biblical origins to this rule.
21:18
Speaker 3: I did not know that either.
21:20
Speaker 1: Ephesians for twenty six and twenty seven. I'm not sure
21:23
Speaker 1: which version this one here in particular is, but it says,
21:26
Speaker 1: and I quote, go ahead and be angry. You do
21:29
Speaker 1: well to be angry but don't use your anger as
21:32
Speaker 1: fuel for revenge, and don't stay angry, don't go to
21:37
Speaker 1: bed angry, don't give the devil that kind of foothold
21:41
Speaker 1: in your life. In Robes, there are some absolutely Christians
21:45
Speaker 1: who adhere to the idea, Yes, you should get rid
21:49
Speaker 1: of that anger in your heart because you leave an
21:51
Speaker 1: opening for the devil.
21:54
Speaker 3: I have a couple thoughts on that.
21:55
Speaker 2: First of all, I do think there's something to that,
21:58
Speaker 2: because if you stay angry, what you start doing in
22:01
Speaker 2: your mind, everyone be honest with themselves. You've been in
22:03
Speaker 2: a fight with somebody, the more time that goes by
22:06
Speaker 2: without you addressing it or without you having a conversation
22:09
Speaker 2: about it, the more time it's all your side and
22:12
Speaker 2: you continually and then up the demonization of the person
22:17
Speaker 2: you're fighting with, where you start really and truly coming
22:20
Speaker 2: up with things that validate your feeling and so whether
22:24
Speaker 2: they're true or not. We all have a lens through
22:27
Speaker 2: which we see things, and if we're seeing things through
22:29
Speaker 2: a lens of anger, it's us versus them, it's you
22:32
Speaker 2: versus me, and then you just people even call other
22:35
Speaker 2: people friends, family members and get them on their side
22:38
Speaker 2: because you want to feel like you're right and they're wrong.
22:41
Speaker 2: You're not there to understand, to learn, to grow, to
22:45
Speaker 2: come together. You're there to prove your right. So the
22:47
Speaker 2: longer it goes, the more you get in that mindset.
22:51
Speaker 2: So that makes sense, And yes, if that's the devil's work,
22:53
Speaker 2: however you want to put it, but it leaves open
22:56
Speaker 2: the opportunity for you to grow further apart, for you
22:59
Speaker 2: to feel more justified because you have to your egos
23:03
Speaker 2: telling you I have to prove there's a real reason
23:06
Speaker 2: why I feel this way and there to blame instead
23:09
Speaker 2: of being introspective and saying, huh, I wonder why that
23:12
Speaker 2: triggered me. I wonder what in my past made me
23:15
Speaker 2: so sensitive in that moment, Like that's something we very
23:18
Speaker 2: rarely are willing to ask ourselves after a fight, or
23:21
Speaker 2: after an argument or after a disagreement. But that is
23:25
Speaker 2: actually the healthy way to look at it. Yes, someone
23:26
Speaker 2: could have said something inappropriate, but you also have to
23:29
Speaker 2: acknowledge that you might be sensitive to something based on
23:33
Speaker 2: your past experience.
23:34
Speaker 1: You're not going to get that clarity Friday night, after
23:37
Speaker 1: long week's work and you're hungry and you just had
23:40
Speaker 1: two martinis after work it's just you are not it's
23:43
Speaker 1: not a good time to do it. But I thought
23:45
Speaker 1: that was interesting. I did not know it had those leanings.
23:48
Speaker 1: So and again, we don't give that advice. So I
23:51
Speaker 1: can tell you what works for us. We can tell
23:53
Speaker 1: you what therapists sae. But yeah, there are plenty of
23:56
Speaker 1: folks out there who still adhere to that rule and
23:58
Speaker 1: certainly say it's a good one to try to at
23:59
Speaker 1: least aspired to you.
24:01
Speaker 2: We had such amazing conversations in our love Story series
24:04
Speaker 2: last February, and from a licensed therapist who deals with
24:10
Speaker 2: couples therapies to other folks who just gave their anecdotal
24:13
Speaker 2: experience of fighting. And I think everyone said they went
24:15
Speaker 2: to bed angry at one point or the other.
24:17
Speaker 1: How many couples did we do, I believe, I think
24:21
Speaker 1: exactly said.
24:23
Speaker 2: But a couple of them had really cute, cool ways
24:26
Speaker 2: of dealing with it. For instance, I remember one couple
24:29
Speaker 2: I can't remember who said what said even if they're angry,
24:32
Speaker 2: just putting their foot on top of the other person's
24:34
Speaker 2: foot in bed, just let that person know, Yeah, I'm
24:37
Speaker 2: still pissed.
24:38
Speaker 3: At you, but I still love you. You don't have
24:39
Speaker 3: to say it.
24:40
Speaker 2: But just that act of and you and I have
24:42
Speaker 2: done this holding hands, even if we're not in a
24:46
Speaker 2: great place, you reaching out me reaching out to you.
24:49
Speaker 2: It actually warms my heart, It relaxes my body.
24:53
Speaker 3: I know that we're going to get through it.
24:55
Speaker 2: And it's just a small gesture that has a huge impact.
25:00
Speaker 2: So just a physical touch in any way, small as
25:03
Speaker 2: it might be in that bed. You don't have to
25:05
Speaker 2: actually make up or figure anything out, but that is huge.
25:08
Speaker 3: And I just I thought that was cool. And we
25:10
Speaker 3: watched I.
25:11
Speaker 2: Think it was merrit at first sight, and we were
25:13
Speaker 2: laughing because I think this is almost impossible. There was
25:17
Speaker 2: a therapist who suggested, I think it was doctor Pepper,
25:21
Speaker 2: that while you're fighting you hold hands. Yes, because it's
25:26
Speaker 2: like you can disagree and you can be angry, but
25:28
Speaker 2: by the mere act of touching, you're still saying we're
25:31
Speaker 2: in this together and I love you without having to
25:33
Speaker 2: say it, but you can still express your feelings. I
25:36
Speaker 2: think that's a really really he's.
25:39
Speaker 1: She's a pro. That's a difficult exercise. That is a
25:41
Speaker 1: difficultcause it doesn't allow you space to actually be angry.
25:44
Speaker 1: I cannot love you after you just hurt me and
25:47
Speaker 1: you know what, I love you, but I don't can't
25:49
Speaker 1: be loving the expression of you can love me but
25:52
Speaker 1: not be loving. Oh oh my goodness again, doctor Pepper,
25:55
Speaker 1: she's a pro. That's a tall I just wanted to
25:58
Speaker 1: throw that out there.
25:59
Speaker 3: I think that the form of.
26:01
Speaker 2: That would be in bed in a quiet moment. Yes,
26:05
Speaker 2: you just touch, and that is just like it's gonna
26:08
Speaker 2: be okay, and it almost always is. But I love
26:11
Speaker 2: that we all have permission to go ahead and be
26:16
Speaker 2: angry and.
26:17
Speaker 3: Deal with it in the morning. I like that strategy.
26:20
Speaker 2: We hope you do too, And thank you for listening everyone.
26:22
Speaker 2: I may be robot alongside TJ.
26:24
Speaker 3: Holmes. We'll talk to you soon.