Latest / Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers / 110: Part 2: How Does Victim Energy Show Up For Helpers, Healers & People Pleasers?

Transcript

110: Part 2: How Does Victim Energy Show Up For Helpers, Healers & People Pleasers? · Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers

• 0:20
  Well, hello and welcome back if you're watching this on YouTube, I just want to let you know upfront that.
• 0:24
  Yes, I do know that a few minutes into this, my outfit totally changes.
• 0:28
  I decided to rerecord my intro for this episode.
• 0:31
  So, yeah, I'm doing it on a different day and you're going to be noticing that.
• 0:35
  So I just know somebody would comment and be like, wait, what just happened?
• 0:37
  Just want you to know I'm fully aware that I totally changed outfits.
• 0:41
  So today, I thought it'd be fun to dig a little bit deeper into the drama triangle, specifically around the victim role.
• 0:48
  I was picturing doing one episode for each of the points.
• 0:51
  But when I did last week's episode, I thought, you know what?
• 0:55
  I really want to do an episode that really digs a little bit deeper into how it shows up specifically for this population, the helpers, the healers, and the people pleasers.
• 1:05
  Now on episode 1 0 8, I did an interview with Allie Schultz over at write your wellness, and we had such a great conversation.
• 1:11
  So if you haven't listened to that one, go ahead and listen to that.
• 1:14
  She talks a bit about how we can actually stand in our own power specifically if you are a people pleaser.
• 1:19
  So that was a fantastic conversation.
• 1:22
  So today we're going to be exploring that a little bit more through the lens of the drama triangle, as well as the empowerment dynamic.
• 1:30
  But first I want to let you know something exciting.
• 1:32
  So last week I told you I had a big speaking engagement coming up.
• 1:36
  And now that I officially have the date and the time and the details, I thought I would share that with you.
• 1:40
  So I am going to be presenting at the energy healing conference in Sandy, Utah on June 28th and 29th, I will specifically be speaking on the 28th.
• 1:50
  That's a Friday.
• 1:51
  At 11:00 AM and I'm going to be speaking to the empaths.
• 1:55
  I'm going to be helping them learn how to deepen their own personal levels of sensitivity.
• 2:00
  And for me personally, I believe that sensitivity comes on a scale.
• 2:03
  And so I'm going to be there speaking to those who really want to deepen their own level of sensitivity as it comes to relating to others, as it comes to deepening their own levels of empathy for others.
• 2:13
  And also talking with them about how to manage it in such a way that it doesn't lead to that compassion fatigue and that burnout.
• 2:20
  So if you were interested in attending, I do just so happen to have some free tickets available for listeners, you can email me at maryann@maryannwalker.life to snag your tickets.
• 2:30
  If you are in or around Utah, this is the largest energy healing conference in the world.
• 2:36
  They produce several of these and put them all over the place.
• 2:38
  But this one is the biggest one.
• 2:41
  They're going to be tons of vendors, tons of speakers.
• 2:44
  And I feel so honored to be a part of it.
• 2:47
  So if you are interested in participating.
• 2:49
  Send me an email.
• 2:50
  I do have a limited number of tickets, but let me know, and I will see what I can do to get you some free tickets, because I would really love to see you there.
• 2:58
  I would love to meet you face-to-face and if you do come, I am going to have a booth there also, where I'm going to be offering one-on-one sessions for a minimal cost.
• 3:07
  And so if you've been interested in chatting with me, one-on-one, be sure to come to the energy healing conference.
• 3:12
  I am super excited about it.
• 3:15
  All right.
• 3:15
  So now we're going to be diving in to this episode specifically on how the victim energy shows up for the helpers, the healers, and the people pleasers.
• 3:25
  And we're going to be talking about both the drama triangle, which is what creates drama for us, as well as the empowerment dynamic, which helps us to step out of that drama.
• 3:35
  Now, if you would like to learn more about the empowerment dynamic and how you can step into those positive energies, I will be posting a link in the show notes where you can grab a book on that.
• 3:44
  It is a short but powerful read.
• 3:47
  I highly recommend it.
• 3:48
  But one thing I really want to stress here is that the drama triangle is kind of like the shadow aspect.
• 3:53
  Okay.
• 3:54
  Those are the parts of ourselves that really show up through that, more sticky energy.
• 3:59
  It's kind of the parts of ourselves that we want to hide.
• 4:01
  It comes through the primitive mind or through emotional immaturity.
• 4:05
  That's what shows up when we are stuck in the drama triangle.
• 4:08
  Whereas when we are standing in the empowerment dynamic, that is the light aspect, they're both triangles, but kind of just the, you know, upright in the inverse.
• 4:17
  Where we can really look and see, okay, what's really coming up for me.
• 4:20
  And how can I use this to really step into my higher mind and create a life that I am really, truly loving.
• 4:27
  Okay.
• 4:28
  So one is able to remove you from drama.
• 4:30
  One creates drama.
• 4:32
  In the drama triangle.
• 4:33
  Then we're going to be talking about the victim energy and in the empowerment dynamic, we're going to be talking about creator energy.
• 4:40
  So first I'm just going to really list it out black and white.
• 4:43
  What the differences are between these two.
• 4:44
  And then we'll kind of talk about how it shows up for this population specifically.
• 4:49
  For the helpers for the healers, for the people pleasers, because everybody experiences all points of this triangle, but it's really interesting how it shows up for different personalities.
• 4:59
  So I wanted to kind of just address what it might look like for you, because as we're able to raise our own conscious awareness, then we're able to bring things into the light and stand in that more empowered place.
• 5:10
  So, okay.
• 5:11
  So here's just a little comparing contrast.
• 5:13
  The victim is passive.
• 5:15
  The creator is proactive.
• 5:18
  The victim asks, why is this happening to me?
• 5:21
  The creator asks, how might this be happening for me?
• 5:25
  The victim looks for someone to blame.
• 5:28
  The creator takes responsibility of their piece.
• 5:32
  The victim looks for reasons why things are out of their control.
• 5:35
  Their creator proactively looks for the ways that things are in their control or looks for which aspects of the situation are in their control.
• 5:43
  The victim is needy and expects other people to solve their problem.
• 5:47
  The creator has needs, but is proactive about creatively meeting, those needs.
• 5:53
  The victim looks for, what's not going well.
• 5:56
  And the creator looks for things to be grateful for.
• 5:59
  So as we're able to really look at the differences between these two and see what our options are, it can feel so empowering.
• 6:05
  The thing with the victim is we usually only see one outcome.
• 6:08
  We only see the bad things that are happening.
• 6:11
  We're really stuck in that negative victim mindset.
• 6:14
  But when we're able to see that we do in fact, have a choice.
• 6:18
  Then we can really step into that empowered role.
• 6:21
  So let me tell you a little bit about how the victim energy shows up specifically through this lens of being the helper, the healer and the people pleaser.
• 6:28
  So number one is self sacrifice and resentment.
• 6:32
  If you find that you're self-sacrificing to the point where you're becoming resentful towards the very people that you're coming to love and to serve or wanting to love and to serve this can be a sign that you are actually sliding into victimhood, which is a part of the drama triangle.
• 6:47
  People pleasers and helpers, then they tend to sacrifice their own needs and desires in order to please other people and doing this, it sounds really great on the surface, but when we're perpetually putting other people ahead of ourselves, then it can create those feelings of resentment or it possibly feelings of martyrdom when their efforts are not reciprocated or appreciated.
• 7:10
  And I get it.
• 7:10
  I have totally been there.
• 7:12
  I have had kind of a little bit of that victim or that martyr energy coming up for me when I recognize boy, really like I have invested so much into you and I'm asking for this tiny little thing in return.
• 7:22
  And you can't do it for me.
• 7:24
  That is so hard for me to handle and so hard for me to navigate, but that is me choosing to be in the victim role and that can create that drama in relationships.
• 7:33
  So let's kind of talk about a few examples of how this might be showing up for you.
• 7:36
  Sarah saw her friend was struggling.
• 7:38
  And so Sarah made a decision to sacrifice her time and her energy to serve her friend.
• 7:45
  And when Sarah's energy started to get a little bit depleted, then Sarah found that in her tired state, then she was more resentful towards the very friend that she was wanting to love and to serve because she was feeling like her efforts were not being appreciated enough.
• 7:58
  Her friend didn't express enough gratitude or her friend didn't reciprocate.
• 8:02
  So that's what often happens is we say yes, when we're feeling really good and we have a lot of energy and then as time goes on and we find ourselves getting tired.
• 8:11
  Then instead of actually stating our boundaries and saying, you know what?
• 8:14
  I think I need a break.
• 8:15
  Instead, we look for somebody to blame because remember every victim needs a villain, you cannot have a victim unless there is a villain.
• 8:23
  And so what we tend to do when we're getting tired is point and blame and shame other people.
• 8:28
  Okay.
• 8:28
  Another example.
• 8:29
  Mary always shows up for other people, even when they don't even ask her.
• 8:34
  She can just see that there might be something that she could do to help.
• 8:37
  And she jumps into help.
• 8:38
  Even if she hasn't been asked.
• 8:39
  She is so sensitive to other's needs that that's just what she does is she knows what is needed and she knows how to show up.
• 8:45
  And because this is her default setting, then she assumes that other people will just know when she's having a hard time.
• 8:52
  And that they will then choose to show up for her.
• 8:54
  And when they don't just show up for her, even when she hasn't asked, then she finds herself being angry and resentful.
• 9:01
  So, again, remember that is her super power is she knows what people need before they even ask.
• 9:05
  But that is not everybody's super power.
• 9:08
  So it's really common when somebody is very good at showing up for other people.
• 9:12
  When other people don't show up for them, when they haven't made it an explicit request, they tend to take it very personally when really the other person might just be oblivious as to what's going on for them.
• 9:21
  All right.
• 9:22
  Here's another example.
• 9:23
  Katie is always happy to babysit and she takes on other people's kids.
• 9:27
  When they have an appointment, they have a place to go.
• 9:29
  No worries.
• 9:29
  Bring your kids over.
• 9:30
  No big deal.
• 9:31
  But on this particular day, then Katie had an appointment.
• 9:34
  And none of the people that she had babysat for previously were willing to reciprocate her kindness.
• 9:40
  They were either unwilling or unable to, and this left her feeling really pretty bitter towards those people and resentful thinking.
• 9:47
  But I've done so much for you.
• 9:49
  How come this isn't coming in now?
• 9:50
  Katie is now a victim, right?
• 9:52
  And again, When you're a victim, you're making other people, your persecutor.
• 9:57
  Now in each of these examples, essentially what's happening is these women are going and doing for other people.
• 10:03
  And then they're recognizing after the fact that they maybe had some expectations.
• 10:07
  Now something that a friend of mine told me once that has always stuck with me is the unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments.
• 10:15
  And that really got me curious about what are my expectations going into things, because.
• 10:20
  It is quite common for us to have these unspoken expectations, but then later we do find ourselves feeling resentful because those expectations weren't met.
• 10:28
  It's just human.
• 10:30
  Right.
• 10:31
  So a lot of the work is simply figuring out, okay, where is my heart at?
• 10:36
  Am I giving this freely?
• 10:37
  Or am I doing this expecting for reciprocation?
• 10:39
  Now I'm also going to say, it's not a bad thing to expect reciprocation.
• 10:43
  Reciprocation is what creates balanced, healthy relationships.
• 10:48
  And not everybody's going to be willing to reciprocate, and we can use that as information and adjust accordingly so that we can find something that is more sustainable for us.
• 10:57
  Recognize for yourself if you're maybe going into it, thinking that the other person is just going to know that this is what you're expecting in return and work to be more explicitly clear about that.
• 11:07
  Okay.
• 11:08
  So let's talk about how we can shift that victim energy into creator energy.
• 11:12
  First recognize and assert your own needs by setting healthy boundaries.
• 11:17
  practice self care and work on actually communicating your own wants and desires very clearly and recognize that.
• 11:24
  Yeah, it is your responsibility to make those requests known.
• 11:29
  Please don't go into it assuming everybody's going to be a mind reader.
• 11:32
  You need to actually express what it is that you are wanting.
• 11:35
  Remember not everybody has your same superpower, so speak up.
• 11:39
  For example, really practice recognizing what your own limits are and then really guard them, set those healthy boundaries ahead of time.
• 11:46
  And I get it that when you say yes to something, we feel good about it in the moment.
• 11:50
  It feels amazing.
• 11:50
  Right?
• 11:51
  All of these people, they said yes, in the beginning and the resentment didn't come until later.
• 11:54
  So practice taking a little minute when somebody makes a request of you to ask yourself, okay, if I say yes to this, what am I going to be saying?
• 12:02
  No to?
• 12:02
  Because when we say yes to something, we are always at the same time saying no to something else.
• 12:08
  And often where we're saying no to is our own mental health, our own energy, our own, whatever it is, that's coming for us.
• 12:15
  We're self-sacrificing to help another person.
• 12:17
  And we are in fact saying no to ourselves.
• 12:19
  And so just kind of know upfront.
• 12:21
  Okay.
• 12:21
  What are my own personal limitations?
• 12:24
  What could I do to be able to maintain my own energy and my own wellness so that I don't become angry or resentful.
• 12:32
  So maybe you just clearly and explicitly state that.
• 12:34
  Yes.
• 12:34
  I would love to come over to help you.
• 12:36
  I have two hours.
• 12:38
  Let's see how much we can get done in those two hours, rather than showing up, and then never actually communicating what your energy is, or even when you get there.
• 12:45
  If you notice that, Ooh, You know what my back is kind of starting to hurt.
• 12:49
  I am sorry, but I'm going to have to go home and rest so that I can come back and help you again later.
• 12:54
  Right.
• 12:55
  But you need to be mindful of yourself.
• 12:57
  They're not going to just magically know when you were in pain or what your time constraints are.
• 13:02
  It is your responsibility to communicate your own personal limitations.
• 13:07
  They are not going to know your time constraints or your energy levels.
• 13:11
  It is up to you to communicate them.
• 13:13
  So recognize the other people, they do have that different default setting and they might not be as sensitive to the needs of others as you are.
• 13:19
  So be willing to make clear requests rather than just passive aggressively expecting other people to know what it is that you need.
• 13:28
  All right, the number two way, but this really shows up in this population is through seeking validation.
• 13:34
  Again, everybody seeks validation is not a bad thing to seek validation, but recognize when you're using that need for validation as essentially a manipulative tactic.
• 13:43
  Okay.
• 13:43
  So with victim energy, Then with this population, we're seeking external validation because we want to feel worthy.
• 13:49
  We want to feel seen.
• 13:51
  We want to feel appreciated.
• 13:53
  And when we're going into it with that energy seeking this external validation more often than not, if they don't express it in the exact way that we need.
• 14:00
  Then we're going to be feeling undervalued and neglected when that validation isn't given, but they might not even know that that's what it is that we need.
• 14:09
  So this might look like over-giving, it might look like agreeing with others' opinions that you don't actually agree with.
• 14:15
  It might look like going along with other people's plans in order to be liked, it might look like avoiding your own needs and preferences because you're scared of the disapproval of others.
• 14:26
  But this really leads to and creates out of balance relationships.
• 14:30
  So you might find if this is you, that you're feeling really unfulfilled and disconnected, not only in relationship, but also from your true self, because you're not showing up as your true self you're showing up as who you think it is that they want you to be.
• 14:44
  And this can create a lot of anxiety and resentment in those relationships because we're showing up in an effort to please other people, but then we're not feeling seen or appreciated for what it is that we're doing.
• 14:55
  And it can feel like a lot of weight, right?
• 14:57
  Because we're working extra hard.
• 14:59
  We're not showing up authentically.
• 15:00
  We're showing up in the way that we think that they want us to show up.
• 15:04
  And that requires significantly more energy.
• 15:06
  So now we're even more drained and we think in our mind, subconsciously that that means now we should get even more appreciation, but that's not the case.
• 15:13
  So just recognize if you see that you have some of this need for external validation coming in.
• 15:19
  And see if you can shift that into the creator energy.
• 15:21
  So what might it look like to shift that kind of victim energy into creator energy?
• 15:26
  It might look like really cultivating that self approval and finding that intrinsic motivation, turning inward for those things, really focusing on self-affirmation and personal achievements rather than seeking the approval of others.
• 15:40
  And this is where coaching can be really helpful is to, it can really help you to develop your own levels of self-worth to practice stating your actual needs.
• 15:48
  Remember that your needs are at least as valid as the next persons.
• 15:53
  So instead of waiting for compliment from the boss or compliment from the friend, then work to acknowledge your own efforts.
• 15:59
  Tell yourself, Hey, I am so proud of the work that I did on that project.
• 16:03
  I really worked hard.
• 16:05
  I am the only one that knows how much work, how much time, how much effort I put into that project.
• 16:11
  And I feel really good about the work that I did.
• 16:14
  A lot of times in this population, we want to be humble.
• 16:17
  Right?
• 16:17
  So we don't want to acknowledge those things, which means we're not giving ourselves the internal validation instead, we're turning outward.
• 16:24
  But guess what?
• 16:25
  It's okay to be proud of yourself.
• 16:26
  There's a difference between being proud of yourself and being really cocky or prideful.
• 16:31
  It's okay.
• 16:31
  You are really, truly are the only person who knows the amount of time and effort and energy that you have put into things.
• 16:39
  You're the only one that knows your heart.
• 16:40
  You're the only one that knows what your personal struggles are.
• 16:43
  So give yourself that validation that, wow.
• 16:46
  I can't believe I did that, even though I'm having these struggles, I showed up in this way and I am so proud of myself.
• 16:52
  You were really amazing at showing up in these complimentary ways for other people.
• 16:56
  So practice showing up in those complimentary ways for yourself and really deepening your own levels of that internal validation.
• 17:04
  All right.
• 17:04
  Number three, a fear of conflict.
• 17:07
  Now with this population, there really is a lot of victim energy here, just around the fear of what might potentially happen.
• 17:14
  So we play out these scenarios in our own mind, and we have this story in our head about how we are being victimized.
• 17:19
  When really we haven't been brave enough to even have the conversation.
• 17:23
  Essentially what happens quite often here is people they mute their own voice because of this fear of conflict, but then they feel victimized by that.
• 17:32
  So they're not actually expressing their wants or wishes or desires.
• 17:34
  They're not actually expressing their opinion.
• 17:36
  They're really muting themselves.
• 17:38
  I worked with one person who really struggled to even express an opinion.
• 17:42
  In their mind, a difference of opinion equated to conflict.
• 17:47
  So they really struggled to acknowledge anything personal about themselves, which essentially meant they were going through life, wearing a mask, being who they thought everybody else wanted them to be.
• 17:56
  So I told them, you know, what starts small?
• 17:58
  When you're at work tomorrow, just share one opinion.
• 18:01
  It might be an opinion about the new restaurant in town.
• 18:04
  It might be an opinion about the movie or the new TV series that you just started following, but share one opinion and retrain your brain to recognize that, Hey, guess what it is okay.
• 18:13
  For us to have a difference of opinion, disagreement or a difference of opinion does not necessarily equate to conflict.
• 18:21
  We have a lot of fear because we have this deep, longing and desire to be loved and validated by other people that were scared that if we don't show up in the way that they want us to, that we will be abandoned essentially.
• 18:32
  It's that deep primal wound that we will be kicked out of the tribe.
• 18:36
  And guess what, if we're not in the tribe, we are now at risk, right?
• 18:39
  We might be eaten by a tiger because we are no longer a part of the tribe.
• 18:43
  This is just part of our DNA.
• 18:45
  So recognize what's coming up for you and retrain your brain to remember that, you know what, I'm going to practice having a difference of opinion.
• 18:51
  I'm going to practice when all of the friends are sitting around and we're trying to decide where it is that we want to go to eat.
• 18:56
  I'm going to make a suggestion and they may or may not take my suggestion, but I'm going to be brave enough to actually throw my opinion into the ring about where it is that I would like to eat.
• 19:07
  Just practice doing those things so that you can retrain your brain and your nervous system to learn that, oh, you know what?
• 19:13
  It's okay for us to have a difference of opinion.
• 19:15
  It's going to be okay.
• 19:19
  Fear is a really interesting motivator because fear really comes from this fear of lack.
• 19:24
  It does not come from a place of abundance.
• 19:27
  So if you want to experience more abundance in life, recognize where you might have those fears showing up and really work on those fears, poke some holes in them that, okay, you know what?
• 19:36
  Yeah.
• 19:37
  Maybe that's not true.
• 19:38
  What else might possibly be true?
• 19:40
  And that will help you to slide more into abundance.
• 19:45
  So, if you do recognize these fears showing up for you, and if you're feeling victimized in relationship because of this fear of conflict.
• 19:52
  Slide it into that creator energy.
• 19:55
  So what does it look like working with creative energy around this situation?
• 19:59
  It looks like embracing conflict as a possible pathway towards authentic relationships.
• 20:06
  So practice learning how to express your own opinions respectfully, and really work to just view those disagreements as an opportunity for growth and an opportunity for mutual understanding.
• 20:16
  So, for example, if you disagree with a friend's plan, then maybe you want to say, Hey, you know what?
• 20:21
  I can understand your point of view.
• 20:23
  And I also see it differently because, and then tell them why it is that you feel a little bit differently.
• 20:28
  Retrain your brain to just view a difference of opinion as a positive thing.
• 20:33
  We can actually get to know each other better when we're actually willing to share our opinions when we're actually able to share what it is that we want out of life, what things we agree with, what things we disagree with.
• 20:43
  And you can do it in a way that can actually help you to come closer together.
• 20:47
  We have a lot of fear and resistance thinking, well, they're going to think that I'm picking a fight with them if I have a difference of opinion, but practice leaning into that discomfort of just thinking, okay, I'm going to express an opinion.
• 20:58
  We're going to see what happens.
• 21:00
  And I am genuinely curious why this other person feels the way that they do.
• 21:05
  And I'm curious why I feel the way that I do let's have an interesting, expansive discussion on it.
• 21:10
  It doesn't necessarily mean that because you have a different life experience.
• 21:14
  That you were in a fight.
• 21:16
  Okay.
• 21:16
  So we can work through that.
• 21:18
  Also notice what your energy and your motive is behind sharing these things, because it's a very different energy.
• 21:24
  If you are really trying to force an opinion, or if you're thinking that somebody else should believe the same way as you, just because you have this idea in your head, that compatibility means that we believe the same thing on everything.
• 21:35
  Okay.
• 21:36
  Recognize what's coming up for you and recognize how that might be impacting your communication and your relationship.
• 21:42
  For example, if I'm going into a conversation, I'm thinking, okay, what I really want them to know is that I'm a super awesome person and I'm just going to prove that to them.
• 21:50
  It's a really interesting thing with the brain, because if I show up.
• 21:53
  And I'm just being awesome.
• 21:55
  It's going to feel very different than if I go into a conversation saying, Hey, I'm going to prove to you how awesome I am.
• 22:01
  And let me tell you all the reasons why, Remember that the brain, it wants to be right.
• 22:05
  Even more than it wants to be happy.
• 22:07
  And so if you're going in there trying to prove a point and trying to prove that you're right.
• 22:12
  You might actually be negatively impacting the relationship whereas if you're able to just show up and genuine love and curiosity through that creator energy, it's going to feel significantly different.
• 22:22
  And probably both parties will be significantly more receptive to the other.
• 22:27
  so, again, just notice if you have that fear around conflict.
• 22:30
  And see if you can think of it as a way of just chipping away at your own mask a little bit and showing up a little bit more authentically.
• 22:37
  And also giving other people permission to show up a bit more authentically.
• 22:42
  It can really help you to let go of that fear.
• 22:44
  All right.
• 22:45
  Number four, over commitment.
• 22:47
  Oh my goodness.
• 22:48
  This is such a big one for this group.
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  So when we're feeling victimized by this.
• 22:53
  Then we're really feeling obligated to say yes to every single request.
• 22:56
  And that can be really overwhelming, right?
• 22:59
  If we feel like we have to say yes to everything out of duty or obligation, then now we're experiencing that internal stress and also a sense of helplessness because we couldn't possibly do everything that we've committed to or that everybody wants to make as a request for us.
• 23:14
  And so it really can't be overwhelming.
• 23:16
  So ask yourself, first of all, why do you overcommit what's coming up for you?
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  Because more likely than not, it's coming from a sense of duty and obligation.
• 23:26
  We think, oh, I must be the only one that can do this.
• 23:28
  Nobody else could possibly fulfill this need.
• 23:31
  And you know what, maybe it's true.
• 23:33
  Maybe you have actually created a scenario where now you are the one that does this the best.
• 23:39
  And also it's okay for other people to struggle and to learn how to fill that other need.
• 23:45
  It's okay for other people to learn how to rearrange their schedules in order to fulfill that commitment.
• 23:51
  Okay.
• 23:52
  You are not the only person on the planet, and it's good to just notice the difference between helping and enabling here and allow other people to have the opportunity to show up and to serve also, because when we are the ones always saying yes, it really does lead to that over commitment, which leads to that burnout and that compassion fatigue And it's interesting also because this kind of ties in with the, seeking external validation as well, because when we're trying to prove our worth or value to other people, then we're going to make them think that, oh yeah.
• 24:19
  MaryAnn is super capable.
• 24:21
  Let's have Maryann do everything.
• 24:22
  Yeah.
• 24:23
  She's just great.
• 24:24
  And that's wonderful if people feel like you're super strong and super capable, but we want to maintain that image, but then we tend to bite off more than we can chew.
• 24:33
  Okay.
• 24:33
  So just know that it might be coming from outside of you where somebody is saying, Hey, let's give it to somebody.
• 24:38
  Who's going to get it done.
• 24:38
  I know that they'll get it done because I know that there's no way that they're going to say no to this.
• 24:43
  And also notice if it's coming from you, if you were the one thinking, well, I have to say yes, because I want them to think that I'm strong, that I'm capable.
• 24:51
  That I'm, I am all of these things.
• 24:52
  So just notice what's coming up for you and if this might be tied with the external validation as well, and again, just turn that inward.
• 25:00
  Okay.
• 25:00
  So how can we put.
• 25:02
  This overcommitment into creator energy.
• 25:05
  It does take practice, but work to really prioritize your tasks and practice saying no.
• 25:11
  So you can really evaluate these requests based on your own capacity at the time, your own personal goals and understand that it is okay to say no.
• 25:19
  And that you can get to a point where you can say no without the guilt.
• 25:23
  And usually once you can acknowledge why it is that you feel obligated to say yes to everything, it really does help you to let go.
• 25:29
  A lot of that victim energy that is going to trigger you to want to always say yes and then overcome.
• 25:34
  Over commit.
• 25:35
  And then there you are stuck in victim hood, right?
• 25:37
  So for example, practice just politely declining an extra task, by saying Hey, you know what?
• 25:43
  I'm focusing on other priorities right now.
• 25:44
  So I'm not going to be able to prioritize that right now.
• 25:47
  You don't have to add a lot of emotion to it.
• 25:50
  You can just say, Hey, I'm actually busy with this right now.
• 25:52
  And that's okay.
• 25:54
  And once you're able to again, have that internal motivation and that internal validation that, Hey, I'm still a good person.
• 26:01
  And I know in my heart that I have prioritized what is actually most important to me right now, it can help to let go of a lot of that guilt and shame around saying no, when we need to, for other people.
• 26:14
  All right.
• 26:14
  Number five, guilt and obligation.
• 26:17
  So this population, they often tend to act out of guilt or a sense of obligation, and that can really lead to feelings of entrapment.
• 26:24
  Or frustration.
• 26:25
  And so notice if you do feel trapped, if you do feel obligated, if you feel like there's no way out.
• 26:31
  Just notice that, that you might be running some victim energy.
• 26:35
  And sometimes this might look like, Hey, you were making me feel guilty when really it's our own selves that are causing us to feel guilty.
• 26:42
  It's the thoughts that we're having that are creating those feelings of guilt.
• 26:45
  And so we like to make it other people's responsibility.
• 26:48
  But again, that is the victim.
• 26:50
  Energy is saying it is not my responsibility.
• 26:52
  It is your responsibility to make sure that I don't feel guilty.
• 26:55
  Or we might really internalize it really, truly believing that.
• 26:58
  Well, I will be a horrible person if I don't sign up for everything.
• 27:02
  So you might feel that sense of duty and obligation thinking, well, I must sign up for the classroom party.
• 27:07
  I must sign up for that meal train.
• 27:09
  I must purchase from the girl Scouts that are outside of the grocery store.
• 27:12
  I must make a donation.
• 27:14
  I must purchase a very expensive gift for this party.
• 27:17
  But all of those things are just expectations that you have put on yourself.
• 27:22
  So how do we shift that to creative energy, remind yourself that you do actually have a choice and you can make your decisions based on your values and your true desires, and that can help you to act to that place of choice rather than compulsion, which helps to reinforce your own autonomy and your own freedom.
• 27:42
  So recognize that you do in fact, have a choice.
• 27:45
  If you recognize that duty and obligation coming in.
• 27:48
  Recognize that you do in fact, have a choice right now you have a choice you could choose to get a less expensive gift you could choose to not buy the cookies you could choose to show up in other ways to support the classroom.
• 28:01
  All of these things that you have decided, are a duty or an obligation, it is a choice.
• 28:05
  And it's okay to find a way to give and to serve that is more fitting for your time and your energy and your budget.
• 28:14
  No one is asking you to have a mental breakdown or to break the bank or to forego your other commitments in order to fulfill these little things for them.
• 28:24
  Okay.
• 28:24
  Those are all expectations that you have put on yourself.
• 28:28
  So recognize that you do in fact, have a choice and that you are choosing these things, and that can really help to release a lot of that shame and guilt.
• 28:36
  So for example, instead of visiting a relative out of obligation, then you might say, Hey, you know, I really value our time together, but I will visit when I can be truly present with you and enjoy it.
• 28:47
  It's recognizing that this timing is just not going to work for me, but I do in fact value our relationship.
• 28:52
  I value our relationship.
• 28:54
  So much that I want to focus on the quality rather than the quantity.
• 28:58
  Right.
• 28:58
  Cause how often have we been sitting at a party or at a reunion?
• 29:00
  And we thinking, boy, yep.
• 29:02
  This is sure been going on for long enough.
• 29:05
  We know that the quality portion has ended because every starting to get tired.
• 29:08
  Everybody's starting to get hangry.
• 29:10
  And so really recognizing for yourself that, you know what, for me, I'm going to prioritize the quality that can help you to let go of a lot of that shame and that guilt.
• 29:19
  Okay.
• 29:19
  So in summary, shifting from our victim energy into that more empowering creative energy, it involves recognizing our personal power, setting healthy boundaries and acting from that place, a personal autonomy.
• 29:30
  And self-respect, it allows us to show up in more genuine and authentic ways, which helps us to create more genuine and authentic relationships.
• 29:39
  And this enables us to really take control of our lives and help us to foster those healthier relationships from a more balanced, emotional state and more balanced mental state as well.
• 29:50
  So if, as you're listening, you're thinking, okay, I really do have some victim energy coming up for me.
• 29:55
  Come and work with me.
• 29:56
  I would love to work with you.
• 29:57
  I'm currently offering six week packages and that allows us to work one-on-one so we can work with you on your specific issues.
• 30:04
  So yeah, if you're interested, come and email me at maryann@maryannwalker.life.
• 30:08
  And yeah, I'm looking forward to working with you.
• 30:10
  All right.
• 30:10
  I hope you have a great week and let's talk soon.
• 30:12
  Find out.