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DA CREW PODCAST SEASON 1_ EPISODE #167_ HOST BLAQUE DIAMOND · DA CREW Podcast

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We are currently looking for a six amazing hosts to join our family for season
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two that will keep off February the first, twenty twenty four. If you're
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looking for an opportunity to allow your voice, your perspective, and your brand
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to be heard around the world and theme around the world, then join Duck
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Crew Podcast three two What is going Town Like a Kin? Basic Black after
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Dark all new podcast show with your host Black Diamond. Hey everybody, this
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is Black Diamond from the Crew Network and you're listening to Basic Black after Dark
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podcast to show that meets you where you are and gives you what you ask
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for. To keep up with what's coming up, follow me on Facebook,
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Instagram at Basic Underscore Black and Twitter at Black Diamonds zero three. I hope
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after watching this episode you have at least one takeaway. Grief is the natural
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emotional response to the loss of someone close to such to you, such as
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family members or a friend. Can also occur after an illness, a divorce,
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or other significant losses. Grief often involves sadness and sometimes feelings of shock,
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numbness, or even denial and anger. My guest tonight knows all about
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greed. She is a grief counselor, an Army veteran and one of six
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founders of Our Delta Omega Military Sorority Incorporating. She holds a degree in Health
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Administration, Business Administration, and Health Information Technologies in a medical front office.
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She's the owner of Moments Like This Coaching and Counseling Services, LLC, and
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she's also a motivational speaker. Please welcome Miss Lakeisha Trimp. Can you arure
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me? Yeah, I can hear you. Hey, how are you?
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How are you? How are you? I'm good. Thank you so much
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for being here with us tonight. Thank you for having me. Well.
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You know, this is the holiday scenes and this is time the time of
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the year that is particularly hard for some people with the holidays among us,
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and for many it's the first holiday that they're celebrating without their loved ones.
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You know, this is the important thing to remember is that everyone agrees differently,
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and there's no right or wrong way the COPD loss. For some people
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grief, They it affects their physical and mental health. Is there a slow
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return to normal normalcy for those who are grieving. It's really not a slow
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return. It's how they you know, they take their time and do it
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because with a lot of people, a lot of people like to rush,
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you know, and it's not a rush process because we have to take our
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time to let things out and we have to take our time to bring things
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in. You know, a lot of people sit and say, well,
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you know, I'm okay, but they're not really okay. So there's no
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time limit to it. Okay. So so what is the effects of grief?
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Excuse me, I'm so sorry, everybody, I have a call.
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What are the effects of grief? Uh, loneliness, hurt de See,
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sometimes you can be effective so much just by thinking that you are the reason
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or the what if? You know, those are the fects that mostly,
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you know, affect people. Are there different types of grief and loss besides
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death and dying. Yes, there's personal grief, loss of a loved one
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as in a relationship. There's financial grief. There's intimacy grief. You know,
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there's loss of a pet. You know, it don't have to be
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death all the time. You know, you can just lose your job,
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death of a job, you know, death of a breakthrough, a friendship,
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anything like that. You know, it's grief is is a lot.
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Yeah, it's like something that has an end to it. Immediately after death,
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those that's left behind often feel they feel shocked. Sometimes they feel numb.
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And then there's those who also feel who are in denial, particularly if
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the death was unexpected. How different is grief for the family member who's preparing
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for the death of a loved one than the death of someone who when it
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wasn't expected. So some people they prepare for the death of a loved when
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they could be in hospice or unfortunately they could be you know, at the
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end of life. But then and they're grieving, you know. But then
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there's some people who it was unexpected, you know, unfortunately, make it
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hit by a car, they could be caught up in a fire. And
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I hate to be so ruthesome tonight, and they could be you know,
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murdered, shot or anything like that. How different is the grief for those
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those different scenarios. Well, with grief with someone that's that's being prepared,
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that has been prepared for a while. Like I'm just gonna say me with
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the death of my mom, because we knew she was gonna go one day,
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you know, and we knew the cancer her cancer was you know,
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taken over we were prepared, but our heart swadn prepared with the sudden death
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of my brother because I was just I had just been on the phone with
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him, not even thirty minutes before he passed away in a gruesome crash that
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was unexpected. So the hurt is different because you're you're not looking for that
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person that just suddenly went like that to go the one that you are prepared
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for. You can. I'm not gonna say you can't never be prepared,
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but it's just me. I'm never prepared for it. I would never be
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prepared for death, even though I know that death is life, you know.
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I would never be prepared for death because you it's always gonna hurt your
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heart, you know, And with someone that just goes suddenly, it's harder
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for a person to deal with that than it is for somebody that's prepared,
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because when you were prepared, Hey, you know, mom is gone.
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We already got her affairs in order and everything. But when someone just suddenly
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do it, oh well, you know, you run around trying to get
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this done and get that done because you don't know versus you know that that
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other person was sick and that time is coming, you know, so I've
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heard people and I don't like to hear when people say this, and I
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don't know what's behind it when they say that, when they say, well,
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you got to go sometime, that's one of the things that I just
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don't like hearing, you know, because for me, I say, well,
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I'm not trying to go right now. You know, I still want
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to be here for a while. You know, when people that I'm around,
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that we're in the gathering and somebody has passed away, some people take
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their attitude and I'm gonna be honest for me, when someone passed away,
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and especially to somebody that I know, if it's a family member, I
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shut down so bad. I'm not with the laugh of people sitting around laughing
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and joking and how hockey and I get everybody does it differently, but it
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bothers me and I have to remove myself. I have to walk away because
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it really bothers me. Not that they're doing that, but I have fond
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memories of the person, but that's not where I'm at at that moment.
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And some people look and say, Dad, you taking me so serious?
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And it becomes an issue, you know, because maybe you had a different
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relationship with that person, but yeah, I know how I felt. And
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that's just the way that I take that. There's some celebrities that die Now
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I just be sitting and I don't know them from a campaign, and I
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take it hard. Now, there was one celebrity and I didn't know at
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all, and when she passed away, it bothered the heck out of me.
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And it still bothered me to this day that she's gone. And that's
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just the way that I take it. So I know everybody agrees differently.
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Well, I'm with you with that, because Whitney Houston, I still can't
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understand why she's gone. That was my mama twin. My brother called me
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and told me that that she died. He told me to turn the TV
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on. Your mama Twin dead. I say, he who Dad? And
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I looked. I started crying. I watched the funeral. I still play
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replays of Rey J touching her casket. Yes, I do. But with
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what you said about people saying that we got to go sometime, I'm not
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a biblical, biblical person. I believe in Christ, I really do,
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but you are right, sometimes those words are not the words that people need
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to hear at that time. You know, people need to watch what they
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say when a person is grieving because you don't know the reaction that you're gonna
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get out of that person. You shut down when you have, you know,
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a loss. I don't shut down. I gotta keep going. I
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gotta keep going because if I don't keep going, then I'm gonna break.
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But I have to keep going in order to deal with the death, you
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know, I have to. I put in my mind that I know for
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a fact what my brother and my mom would want me to do. They
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wouldn't want me to quit. My brother would always call me a cry baby.
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So I know I can't cry. You know, I shed my tears
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here and there. But I also know that life must go on. I
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can't live in that depression stage because if I live in that depression stage,
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who's gonna help me? You know, who's gonna be there for me?
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And I'm burdening everyone else and it's just me. This is my thing about
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it. I don't like to burden nobody, right. So when when I
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said I lost a friend almost a year ago, and I cried, I
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really cried. How hard that I shut down? But when I shut down
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and I looked at his picture. I'm like this, dude, no good
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and well, I ain't gonna sit here and cry all this time. You
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know, I let it out, but I had to move on because I
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have to live life. I have to keep going, you know. I
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don't want nobody to mourn over me before my time, because depression is a
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silent killer, and it will kill you. When a person grieving begins to
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understand the reality of death, they can't feel intensely sad, empty, a
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lonely. How do you coach your counsel someone who has anger or guilt following
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grief. The first thing I asked him is why why do you feel that
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way? Why do you want to stay depressed? Why are you shut off?
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Why do you think that it's better for you to live like you're living?
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You know, why do you think that you're supposed to be in a
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corner while I'm sorry, while you're counseling. You know your clients, and
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you know, of course, I know confidentiality and privacy, But what are
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some of the feelings they exhibit about guilt? What are some of the feelings
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that people have with guilt? Some say they should have win mm hmm.
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You know why so young why why they have to take them instead of me
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I'm the oldest or you know, it's crazy that you say that, because
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growing up, you know, I always thought I'm the youngest of eight.
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And I never said this to my siblings or anybody in my family, but
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I always thought that you would die according to the way you came into the
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family. And then I used to sit and cry sometimes and say, I'm
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gonna be by myself because they're gonna all be gone. And just before I
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had any kids, I would I don't even really think that I was a
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teenager at the time, and I just thought that way that because they came
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first, they would go first. And then I would be crying saying that
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I would be by myself, and you know, crying like, oh my
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gosh, you're gonna be by myself. You know, the church does help,
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you know, and you start reading, you start finding out more information.
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But that was just the way that I had thought back then, that
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everybody's gonna leave me. I'm going to be here by myself. My parents
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are going to be going, my siblings are going to be going. Who's
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gonna be here with me? And that's just the way that I had thought
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and it's not just you. It's a lot of people that think that way
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because you know, they feel, hey, I'm the youngest, I'm not
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supposed to go into anybody else's goal or you know, and in my situation,
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my dad never thought he would be bearing his baby boy. Yeah,
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but it's it's light and we are in that circle. You know. I'm
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seeing that grief has no set pattern. It's expressed differently across different culturees.
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Some people like to be expressive and public with their emotions, you know,
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they're just healthy, while others like to keep their feelings private or bottled up.
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How do you know they are grieving? And what are some of the
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signs of grief they keep to theirself? Some people, you can tell when
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a person okay, if a person is so into social media and so much
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on social media and then one day you just don't see them, you know,
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and you like, so, what's wrong? But you know one of
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their friends passed away, but they're not How can they're not showing it.
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They're saying they're okay. But you can look at some people facial features and
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see they're not really okay. It's the way some people talk. Some people
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answer you you know, how can I say it? You can be at
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the hospital with someone that just lost someone and they be the strongest person in
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a room, but their touch and that voice can tell you everything about that
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person and how that person is feeling. So how would you go about supporting
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a friend or a family member that has lost a loved one and be there?
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Oh? Be there? But some people just want to be alone,
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and they'll tell you I just want to be alone. And when they tell
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you they just want to be alone, you are alone. I would not
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say a mumbling word. Okay. Quietness is the best because then a person
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will come out to you. You don't have to say nothing, nothing at
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all. Understand that you want to be alone, that I just want to
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sit here with you. I just want to sit here. I just want
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to sit here. Because if you go to a person, you know how
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we always say, oh, I'm praying for you, my condolences and all
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that stuff like that. You can say that to a person, but after
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that person is buried, you ain't gonna hear from these people no more.
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I've heard that You're not gonna hear from these people. Some people find it
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hard to say their condolences to you when your loved one has passed away.
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What should you say after someone's loved one has passed away. I'm here,
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that's it. I'm here because you can tell a person like I just said,
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you can tell a person I'm praying and don't even say a prayer.
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You can tell a person my condolences, don't even mean it. The words
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that a person needs to hear is I'm here. That's all they need because
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you don't know. You don't know. If that person needs to talk,
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you don't need You don't know, if that person just needs a shoulder,
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you don't know. If that person needs to scream, I'm here. Hey,
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let's go take a ride. Don't say nothing to them. Let them
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voice everything, let them let them talk. That's all you can do.
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Just let them talk. I have told, but I have told some of
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my clients if you need to scream, scream, if you need to cry,
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you need to kick, you need to hit somebody. Let me put
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on my bulletproof vest and everything, and you can punch whatever you want to
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punch. And let me put a pillow so you can punch me. You
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can punch me, you can you can scream, you can choke, me.
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You can cuss me out, you can do whatever you want to do
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to get it out, because I want you to get it out. When
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I lost my husband, it was one of the most sinking feelings that I
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ever felt. It was painful, it was constant, it was overwhelming.
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Does grief come in waves and do they seem to fade away for a while
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before they return, Because to me, that's the way that I felt that.
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It just felt like it was just coming in waves, and it just
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was coming and going, and at times it just felt like it was fading
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the way, but then it just came right back again. It comes in
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waves. It comes in ways because you you can put it out your mind
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for a minute, but if you think of something that you and him done
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together, or if you think of something that's in memories of him. You
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know, if you look at a picture, it brings things back. So
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a lot of people say that you need to get rid of some things that
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remind you of the people that you lost. Don't get rid of it because
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you still need to grieve. That means you are still not finished dealing with
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that grief. It's still something inside of you that you haven't got out yet.
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And you still need to get it out. So when it comes,
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don't feel like you know you it is it's hurting you. It's not hurting
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you, it's healing you. Yeah, there's a question here says, how
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do you tell someone you think they need grief counseling? You. You don't
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tell them, you ax, You ask them. It's a way of telling,
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in a way of accing. You rearrange your words. If someone grief
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with losing a job. If I know someone just lost their job and they
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don't want to talk about it, excuse me. I will go to them
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and ask them how you feeling? Mm hmm. You want to talk about
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it? That's it. That's it, and then they'll start talking to you.
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You don't have to say a whole bunch to somebody that you know that
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needs counseling, because they're gonna speak to you. If they feel that they
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can open up to you, they're going to talk to you. Wow.
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So something just so many people might feel or act differently than usual when they're
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when they're grieving. They might have difficulty concentrating. They could be withdrawing and
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not enjoying their usual activities. Some people even resort to drinking smoking or using
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in legal pharmaceuticals. I'll say, is that normal? It is normal because
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they're trying to cope, They're trying to go, they're trying to go to
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anything to cope. I always use myself because I don't I don't do anything
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with anyone that I haven't been through with me. When my mom passed away,
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it was cutting my hair. I didn't cut my hair when my mama
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was living, but when my mom passed, because it was my strength,
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I cut my hair. My dad watched me go to the beauty shop and
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cut my hair. He was like, you really, yeah, I'm cut
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my hair. And every time someone passed away in my family, I cut
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my hair. That was me. That was me coping, every different coping.
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How often do you treat people who have thoughts of hurting themselves or that
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they can't go on after grief of law unknaws. You know, some people
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just say, oh, I just I can't do it, and you know
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what, I'm not gonna say some people, I'm gonna bring it in and
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I'm gonna be real about it. When my husband passed away, that's what
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I thought. I just thought that I just wasn't going to go on at
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all, you know. But my kids got me through. They got me
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through a part of it to where it was okay for me to get up
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every day and do things. But it's been seventeen years now, this past
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November, well this November, and we just got him a tombstone, or
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rather I did because I did not want to accept it. And the other
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thing is, i still don't have answers surrounding his death, and I'm just
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starting to breathe. I feel like I have been slowly pulling the oxygen tank,
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you know, away, the mask away and whatnot, because now I'm
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able to breathe a little bit more. Because it's not that I'm getting answers
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for what happened to him, because I still don't know what happened, and
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I'm just not believing too much of what I was told. But on another
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aspect, I'm getting closure for things that I need that should have been done
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and put in place during the time that when it initially happened. I'm just
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getting answers for other things. But I'm still not getting answers for the death
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of him. And there's a part of me that he's saying, don't worry
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about it. But there's just that one thing that I'm holding on too,
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and it has been eating me up for seventeen years. What happened to him?
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You're not gonna tell me that this man has been missing. My husband
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was missing for three weeks. He was dead for three weeks. Nobody knew
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anything. I called the hospital, nobody knew anything, called the more,
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called everybody, nobody knew anything. And that one last moment, I eventually
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called the mark again and they said, yes, he's here. I just
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felt like I was in a tunnel by myself, and when I went to
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go see his body, they told me that I couldn't. They sent me
24:49
running around everywhere. So I wound up trying to get his belongings and what
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they told me because of hippola, I couldn't get it. So they told
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me that I had to go back to the morgue and for them to give
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me permission to get it. But let me tell you something now, he
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was missing for three weeks. They didn't know who he was. They gave
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me his belongings. When I took his belongings and I looked through him,
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it's wild identification, my son's identification. My phone number was in his wolet,
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and I'm gonna tell you right now, I still have those things.
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Why couldn't you look in those things? I know they did if you put
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you probably took the money out whoever was there, But you could have looked
25:27
them if you felt as though this was a John Doe, you should have
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looked through those things because you would have been able to tell me. You
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would have been able to call me. I think it's bullcrap. And this
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is why I'm saying. When I found all of that said something happened.
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So I asked them to do an autopsy, and they told me they can
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only do a partial autopsy on him because of his age. They only was
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able to do a posture. I don't want to take this too much up
25:51
because I started to get angry again because I'm still I still don't have answers
25:55
for what happened. But what about those who show no emotion at all?
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Are you surprised by their feelings? How do you counsel them when they're when
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it does not seem to be anything there, like they're drawing a blank.
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Because I know at that time that I just drew a blank. There was
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nothing you just I was just walking and you would think that I felt like
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I was dead and just walking around like a mummy. You would see me
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doing things, you know, taking the kids to school, helping them with
26:22
their hor or doing laundry, but I had checked out. You just saw
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the shell moving around. But I was gone. I was just in I'm
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gonna be honest. I was in another space, another headspace. I wasn't
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who I am. I really wasn't. There's a way of breaking a person,
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because you can't break. You can't break a person in order to get
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them to release with you. I'm just gonna say I would get you out
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of that space of to know. I will get you out of that space.
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I wanting to know because a lot of times we want to know,
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but we really don't want to know because it's only gonna make you matter,
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because if you find out what you already knew, you go get worse because
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you go keep saying, oh, I knew that, I knew that,
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I knew this would happen, I knew that what was happening. I know
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they could have did this, and I know they could have did that.
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They didn't do it, they did do it. It's gonna get you back
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to the point where you don't want to be so why for a long time?
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But yeah, I get that, I received that. Yeah, so
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why would you want to know? It's been so long? Sometimes we do
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have to let go in order to go on, because right now you you,
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like you said, you're holding on to his water and stuff. I'm
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sorry, y'all, but I have to say that that's fine. That's fine
28:00
holding on to his wallet and stuff. I have no problem with that.
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I have no problem with you going in it. Don't keep asking yourself the
28:08
question why didn't they do it? You can't answer for no one else.
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You can only answer for what you would would have done, not nobody else.
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You know, we can always assume, and you know, they say,
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and assuming make us makes our ass out of us. And we keep
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on assuming we can assume, we can ask, we can question, we
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can do all those things over and over again. But if we don't get
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the answer that we don't won't, or we get the answer that we do,
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won't but it's not what we want to hear, we get mad again.
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So that means you're upset in your heart once again because you're reliving everything
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you right, you know, when we went to do the you know,
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we finally did the tombstone, and I thought that that would have been my
29:04
closure. But I get back home, I'm doing something and boom, his
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stuff is right there, and I see it again, and I just sit
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there and I just start wondering again. And I keep saying every time when
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I'm talking to somebody about something, I'm gonna have closure. I'm gonna do
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this, I'm gonna do that, I'm going to do this. I gotta
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figure out how I'm gonna get past this, you know. And people say,
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go to Greek Council and stuff. It was in seventeen years, and
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I know that it does, but for some reason, I feel like I'm
29:33
just not there yet. And you know what, I'm not even gonna say
29:37
that, because more and more ads on too. See, we're gonna turn
29:41
this into a session. So I'm not even gonna try to go there after
29:45
this, because I have other relatives who have passed away, and one of
29:48
them was my father, and I don't know what happened. And I'm filled
29:55
with some relatives who have passed away, and then I just don't know what
29:59
happened, and I may never know, and it's just some of them was
30:04
very unexpected, and then I had it. And there was this one year
30:10
that it was back to back where I lost them back to back twenty fifteen,
30:17
two or three of them, and they were my nieces and nephews twenty
30:18
sixteen, my sister and another niece, and then my dad right behind it.
30:22
So they were just going right back to back. It was like we
30:26
just couldn't climb out of that hole. And some of them there were answers
30:30
that I don't have. And that's how I go when it's somebody that passed
30:36
away and I need to know how to accept or to deal with or to
30:42
cope with it. And I know it's I know that it's eating me up.
30:47
I know that it's eat me up. Not to the place that I'm
30:49
better, but I think I become better when somebody else passed away. So
30:52
God forbidd somebody else in this family passed away, I'm back at that again,
30:56
right back at that same place again, even if it's somebody we knew
31:00
that was maybe elderly. Go I forbid anybody in the family is elderly and
31:04
they pass away or that's sick or anything like that. It takes me right
31:10
back to the beginning of everybody else again. And see you're holding on,
31:15
You're holding on to everything that's bottled up in you about different people. You're
31:23
gonna take it to the point where if you don't get the answers because you're
31:29
stressing so much about the answers, it's gonna harm you. And you're right,
31:34
you know you're You're absolutely right. I'm gonna say this quickly and we're
31:37
gonna take a commercial break. Several have told me to go for grief counsel
31:44
and then, like I said, it's been over a decade, and I'm
31:48
going to be honest with whoever's watching and be honest with myself. I think
31:55
I'm more afraid of going for grief counseling because I'm afraid then I'm gonna have
32:00
a nervous breakdown. And that's what I'm afraid of because I see it every
32:06
time I think of going there because of everything, and it's just so many
32:12
of the losses now, and I'm at that point that I'm just so afraid
32:15
of going there. And I keep saying I'm gonna take some time off.
32:20
I'm gonna take about a month off and just go into counseling. And try
32:23
to do that because I know I need it. I'm gonna acknowledge it.
32:27
I know that I need grief counseling, and I'm gonna do it. I'm
32:31
not even gonna say it's gonna be my New Year's resolution. I'm just not
32:35
even gonna stick with that. But that's gonna be my self care. And
32:39
I'm going to go into grief counseling because it's really getting to me. More
32:45
and more. Something else can happen, and it will show up again.
32:51
It will show up and it's just a mess. But we're gonna take a
32:53
commercial break. We're gonna come back and we're gonna be speaking to Letitia Lakeisha
32:59
Tram about coping with grief and laws Wow, powerful, very powerful. We
33:43
are back here tonight with Lakeisha. I'm so sorry Lakeisha Trim and she's given
33:47
us insight into coping with grief. And before we came across that break,
33:52
I was basically talking about myself and I apologize to everyone. I did not
33:57
mean to make this about myself. But I'm taking this all in from Lakeisha
34:02
and I am gonna seek that grief counsel because the older I get, the
34:09
more I'm not able to deal with loss and grief, and you know,
34:15
growing up in the family that I grew up in. Ay, I'll speak
34:21
for me. It's like you and this person will never die, they will
34:25
always be here, They will always be there'll always be around. And it
34:30
started happening. You know, I felt that I was Richard in Oprah because
34:34
I had all my family, all my brothers, all my sisters, all
34:37
my aunts, all my uncles, and I didn't experience I experienced it young
34:40
with my grandmother was about ten years old when she had passed, but after
34:44
that it was a while before anybody had passed, and I just felt like
34:47
that was my richness. But then when they started passing away, it was
34:52
just harder and harder for me to deal with it. Just how important it
34:57
is it to talk about your loved one after loss, and when is it
35:00
okay to talk about that. It's okay to talk about them right when they
35:04
die, because it's no time limit. Really, you can talk about a
35:13
meeting every day of your life until you go. I talk about my mam
35:17
and them every day because a lot of people tell me, you know,
35:22
I'm gonna get personal with youm My mom passed away at ninety three. I
35:29
had just graduated, I had just made eighteen years of age. I left
35:32
home. I went to job corps. I found my first husband. I
35:36
was pregnant. I went to the doctor's office and the lady asked me.
35:43
She said, well, where's your parents. I said, well, my
35:46
mama right here on side of me, my daddy in Louisiana. She said
35:52
what, And that's just how she asked me. She said well. I
35:55
said, yes, ma'am, I said, my mamas sitting right here.
36:00
She said, but I read your report that your mom is deceased. I
36:01
said, yes, my mom's deceased. Well, my mama is with me
36:05
everywhere I go. She was like, I said, ma'am. I said,
36:10
let me tell you something. I'm not crazy, and I'm definitely not
36:15
dumb. Don't send me to the cuckoo hospital because I'm not. I said,
36:20
I'm a spiritual person. Because death takes away the physical of a person,
36:29
they don't take the spiritual. My mom is sitting right here with me,
36:34
and she's gotting me. She's my aim. She said, So,
36:37
how can you not cry? I can't cry because my mom is my strength.
36:44
Her death made me strong because what she went through I saw her go
36:49
through it, and when she went through it, I was there, So
36:53
that made me strong. She said, you different. I said, I
36:59
know, I am. We are all different. Someone else may not grieve
37:02
like I agree, but with me, griefs in my life, no matter
37:08
who it is, it's gonna make me strong because I have to live the
37:12
way that person knew that I live and keep on pushing and keep on pressing,
37:16
because if I be depressed, how am I supposed to help my kids?
37:20
How am I supposed to help my grandkids. I can't be strong for
37:23
someone and I can't be strong for myself. Wow, it's just so powerful,
37:29
Lutania, Little John says, I can definitely relate. Therapy requires you
37:34
to see things for what they are and face them head on. Yes,
37:37
Lutania, I'm gonna tell you that I'm gonna go see a council. I'm
37:42
gonna I'm not gonna say I'm gonna do it tomorrow, but I'm gonna do
37:45
it as soon as I can, because it is eating at me, and
37:51
anniversaries are coming up and it bothers me and I get really quiet, and
37:55
like my sister's birthday's coming up on the eleven and I usually just sit quietly
38:01
and I get my little breakfast and I watch old Bette Davis movies because that's
38:07
what we used to do, and so that's the way that I do it.
38:10
So they should honor the life of the person who has died, like
38:14
collecting photos like you said, or keepsakes, writing a journal, writing a
38:20
letter to the person who died, or some kind of stories that you can
38:23
share. Now, yeah, that I can do. I often share stories
38:28
and things like that. It was a time that with my kids when they
38:31
used to work my last night after my husband had passed, I used to
38:36
say, do you hear what your son just said? And you know,
38:37
and my kids started doing it, you know, like that, do you
38:40
hear my? So that was some way of getting through it. But I
38:45
think that I was doing that just for them, and I really wasn't doing
38:47
it for me. Grieving is hard enough, it could also be exhausted.
38:53
I had several dreams about my husband, so much so that I thought that
38:58
I felt his presence or that I heard his voice. I questioned myself on
39:01
several different levels. I didn't know if I was sinking into depression or if
39:07
it was just the loss that I had to deal with and if I could
39:10
be honest, I thought I was coping well after his death. Then I
39:15
thought that it was just an episode. Before the impact, which was about
39:19
six months following his death, I felt like I was hit by a ton
39:22
of bricks. I didn't see it coming. I never thought that I would
39:27
have positive experiences following his death, but I gained a new sense of wisdom,
39:31
maturity, and meaning in life after that. So I know that I
39:36
need grief counsel because there's still some things that I need to talk about,
39:39
and there's not as much as what happened. I know I probably will never
39:45
know what happened, but somebody do. And I think what I'm going to
39:52
do, and I thank you so much for this episode. I think what
39:53
I'm gonna do is I'm gonna wait until I know that we're together again.
39:57
And I asked and what happened so that it's probably better coming from him to
40:00
tell me. But he don't need to come tell me right now, having
40:07
a conversation with me right now, because I'm not ready to hear you.
40:10
Latania says, it's not easy, it will never be easy, but you
40:15
have to do it for your own sanity. Thank you so much. You
40:19
breaks your heart, Yes it does, it seems it never heals, but
40:22
every day you get closer to him. Every day is just a different thing.
40:28
It is. It's a coincidence that you said about the letter. Okay,
40:38
this year, November twenty third was my brother's birthday. It fell on
40:43
Thanksgiving. Use it for Thanksgiving. When my brother first passed away, he
40:50
passed two days after my dad's birthday. So my dad's birthday would never be
40:54
the same, Memori your day. Weekend would never be the same because he
40:59
passed amorior that weekend. But what got us through the first year for his
41:07
birthday because he died May twenty seven, twenty seventeen. November twenty third,
41:15
twenty seventeen, for his birthday, I wrote a letter. I got the
41:21
video still on Facebook. I wrote a letter. I surprised my dad with
41:27
a shield for the motorcycle with my brother only picture on it. We all
41:30
went to the graveyard and I read the letter. I was mad with my
41:36
brother because he left me. But then when I was able to, like,
41:44
my oldest sister told me because in my letter, I said I gotta
41:46
let go. My sister said, no, you don't have to let go.
41:52
You just go see him later. So now when I think about my
41:58
brother, you know this year, like I said, my kids don't let
42:01
me be alone during that time because they know how me and my brother were.
42:06
You know, it was two peas in a pot. But I don't
42:09
be sad. I shed a few tears and be like, boy, why
42:14
where are you at the men? You know what we could be doing right
42:16
now. That's just how I talk to him. Like you said, I
42:20
talked to him, not for him to answer me back. If he asked
42:22
me back, that's something wrong. But I get the sense that he's right
42:28
there and he'd be like girl, you know, you know those type of
42:30
things. That's how I cope. People may say you crazy for talking to
42:37
the dead. They can hear you. It's for them not to answer you
42:42
back. Oh yeah, But I go to the graveyard and people tell me,
42:49
you know, their body is not there. I said, I know,
42:52
ashwers to ashes, dust to dust. But it's so meaning for me
43:00
that I can sit on top of that grade and say everything that I have
43:05
to say and feel so much better. Well, you mentioned you still have
43:12
something on Facebook. I've seen posts on Facebook where people are wishing their loved
43:16
ones who passed, who passed away, a happy heavenly birthday, maybe a
43:21
happy anniversary in heaven. Is that normal? That's normal. But what you
43:25
don't do is you don't wish them a happy heavenly birthday. You wish them
43:30
a happy earthly birthday in heaven, because their heavenly birthday is when a day
43:35
they die. Their earthly birthday is their birthday. Okay, so you hear,
43:39
everybody that's watching, take that under advisement. How do you help children
43:45
cope with the loss of a loved one who That's a hard one. That
43:51
is a very very hard one. But I had to do it my daughter
44:04
who her boyfriend got shot right behind her. They were sitting on the stairs,
44:12
and for you to see your child, see someone lose their loved one
44:20
right there, take their last breath, and for you to see her,
44:23
and all she did was shut down. She was sitting in the car with
44:29
me, and all I could do was sing, not ask her how she's
44:35
doing, none of that. I let her sit there and cope with it
44:42
herself. She went in the bathtub. We thinking she's taking a bath.
44:47
She crying all heart out because That's how she wanted to deal with it.
44:52
When it was her time to talk to me, that's when I let her
44:55
talk. I don't want to push them. Latania says, I was definitely
45:01
angry when my biological mother passed away. My anger came from a place of
45:06
feeling abandoned. I was away from her for thirty one years and I only
45:10
got to spend three years and eleven months before I lost her for good.
45:15
She says. So she gets it. She gets it. Is there the
45:20
children who are trying to cope with it. It's their grief different than the
45:27
way that an adult may grief for a loved one. Like a woman can
45:32
lose her husband and she's going to feel a certain way, but her child
45:38
is going to lose the father. You know, how different is that?
45:43
Because they lost the same person. But I guess because the relationships was different.
45:46
But how different is that? It's different because intimacy a father and a
45:59
daughter of father and a son has a different intimacy than a husband and wife.
46:07
They'll never get to spend that time the mother had time mmm with their
46:13
father, because of course they had time before they were born. But if
46:19
someone loses their father at the age of five. They didn't have those years
46:24
because they didn't understand the years before they got to the age of two,
46:30
to understand what a father is supposed to do, how I'm supposed to react.
46:36
I can't go to a dance with my daddy, but my mama went
46:38
to a party with my daddy. They're gonna have a resentment against the other
46:43
parents because they didn't have that time. Time is what everybody asks for.
46:51
Now. You know, at what age should you start talking to children about
46:57
death and dying? Even if a person and did not pass away, at
47:00
what age would you start talking to them about that? And I say five,
47:06
because at the age of five they start learning a lot of things,
47:07
even though now nowadays he's three year old and to year old know how to
47:10
work a computer and all that stuff like that. To get them to really
47:15
focus and too understand at the age of five, okay, So at the
47:20
age of five will be the best. At the age of five will be
47:22
the time. You co author two international best selling books and are a two
47:29
time Amazon bestselling author and a two time International best selling author. You have
47:35
several books, Finding enjoy in the Journey and Pendulum of a Mother's Love you
47:40
also co author also the co author of Living Life After Divorce, Feel the
47:46
Stories of Encouragement, Rediscovery and self Love, False Advertisement, and When the
47:52
Souls Cries Trauma, Tears in Triumph, When the Heart Cries Hot In Stories
48:00
of Overcoming Grief, and Your Last Your latest is Beneath the surface, Life
48:06
under the Mask in anthology? Are these books from personal experience or the experience
48:10
of others? And is there like surrounded by death? I know, I
48:15
see some of them are saying trauma. But are they personal experiences or because
48:20
you're a counselor are the experiences of others? That's whatanty your books in the
48:24
lives of others? All the books, Uh, my life, I'm an
48:30
open book. I am an open book and every single book that I have
48:37
co authored. My latest book that just came out, it's The Wrong,
48:44
Wrong Love, Wrong Address. That's the newest one. It just came out
48:46
last month. Everything is me, my personal life. Nothing, nothing in
48:53
the books that I dealt with is false. Everything is real. It's me,
49:00
my words, my my life. I can tell you exactly what's in
49:05
it. It's everything of me. The feeling of a mother's love is the
49:08
relationship between me and my mom. When a heart cries, that's about my
49:14
brother's death. When a soul cries, that's about me being raped, living
49:20
beneath a mask, that's about me living with someone that I had to walk
49:24
on eggshells. I was living for somebody else and not living for myself.
49:30
Finding joining a journey is It's uh anthology of affirmation, positive affirmations about things
49:37
that was in my life. I have two life after divorces. One is
49:43
about when my husband, my one of my husbands, beat me. The
49:46
other one is me living life and being who I am and not living for
49:52
someone else and living myself and giving my truth and you know, not letting
49:59
grief, been depression and anxiety take over me. Wow. Well, Lukeisha,
50:06
I want to thank you for being my guest toname. This episode was
50:09
really important to me. How can we connect with you? You can find
50:14
me on Facebook author Lakeisha trim Green, my regular Facebook page Lakeisha trim Green,
50:20
Instagram, Author Lakeisha trim Green, Young Ladies seven O five one four
50:28
at Gmail is my Gmail. Moments like this counseling company find me everywhere I'm
50:32
here. I'm an open book, so you know, if anyone wants to
50:37
reach me. Just look for my name and I will talk to you.
50:40
Like I said, I'm open book. I am an open book. And
50:45
Latanya she can tell you. I don't sugarcoat anything. I give you what
50:50
you need, not what you want. I'll give you what you need.
50:53
And again I don't sugarcoat nothing. I'm not one of those therapists that's gonna
50:57
sit there and say yeah, uh huh. If you just want to cry,
51:00
like I say, beat on something, all right here, Ye'll let
51:06
me cry, curse. I me say what you gotta say, but I'll
51:08
need you to get it out. If you experience grief or loss, you
51:13
may always feel some sadness and this a person once they're gone, but the
51:17
painful, intense feelings should gradually subside. It eventually becomes easier to deal with
51:23
life. But keep in mind life after grief and loss will be different.
51:30
Give yourself permission to greed. It is natural to cry. Many people find
51:35
crying a relief. Exploring and expressing emotions can be a part of grief.
51:40
Listening to music or writing can help. Time spend alone can allow you to
51:45
connect with your emotions, and if you're hearing this message, you listen to
51:50
the entire episode and if you or someone you know is having a hard time
51:54
dealing with the holidays and need someone to talk to, please reach out to
51:59
me, Miss Lakeisha Trimm or your doctor. And in case of an emergency,
52:05
call nine one. Don't just try to deal with it on your own.
52:09
Join us on Friday, December fifteenth, I will be speaking with Pastor
52:15
Stephanie Johnson Rice on Faith Not Lost. After eighth after Dark, she sugar
52:23
coats Basic Black after Dark, the all new podcast show with your host, Black Diamonds