Latest / You Didn't Ask For This / 3 | Scrapple Virgin

Transcript

3 | Scrapple Virgin · You Didn't Ask For This

• 0:00
  Matt: You're not a literal giant.
• 0:01
  Eric: I'm not a literal giant, as much as I wish I was.
• 0:04
  Eric: I've often wondered what flavor of giant I would be.
• 0:07
  Eric: Like top of beanstalk giant, mountain giant, jolly green variety.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I don't think he'd be a Jolly Green giant.
• 0:18
  Eric: Ho ho ho ho.
• 0:23
  Eric: That always fucked with me.
• 0:24
  Eric: I don't know why he says ho ho ho.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, why does he say hoo?
• 0:30
  Matt: I don't I don't Does the Jolly Green Giant just want to be Santa?
• 0:35
  Eric: Yeah, like I I I I wonder if it was like originally supposed to be like a ho ho ho.
• 0:40
  Eric: Like that that sounds jolly and giant-ish, but then they put it to that little jingle and they're like, ho ho ho ho.
• 0:47
  Eric: And I I feel like whoever they got to sing that jingle kind of missed the spirit of it.
• 0:53
  Matt: And what is the spirit of it, in your estimation?
• 0:59
  Eric: The feeling of surveying one's lands, one's forests, looking out upon the sea of green beans, and knowing that this is mine, and you go far out into the valley.
• 1:20
  Eric: So that all may know your dominion, Matthew.
• 1:22
  Eric: That's the spirit of it.
• 1:23
  Matt: Okay, I take it back.
• 1:25
  Matt: You would be a good Charlie Green Jack.
• 1:45
  Matt: You didn't ask for this.
• 1:46
  Matt: I'm Matt Shay.
• 1:47
  Matt: I'm Eric Poach.
• 1:49
  Matt: Um, and so I think there's an elephant in the room we need to address and undress immediately.
• 1:56
  Matt: When you're listening to this, dear listener, the presidential election was two days ago.
• 2:05
  Matt: But we are recording this nine days before the election.
• 2:10
  Eric: Yep.
• 2:12
  Matt: So the depending we're hearing this from either a um a better future or a or this this episode is being brought to you by the Ministry of Truth.
• 2:29
  Matt: Yes.
• 2:30
  Matt: Now, of course, there's the very real possibility said election has has not been determined already.
• 2:37
  Matt: Oh God.
• 2:38
  Matt: Yeah, I didn't even think that's the likeliest of outcomes, actually.
• 2:41
  Matt: I think uh I think it's gonna be an election month, not necessarily an election day, but hey, we'll see.
• 2:49
  Matt: You, the listener, are more informed than we are.
• 2:53
  Eric: On pretty much everything.
• 2:55
  Eric: Obviously.
• 2:56
  Matt: I think if they're if they've made it to episode three, they already know that.
• 2:59
  Matt: Anyway, I felt like I needed to address it because it would be weird that we didn't bring it up.
• 3:04
  Eric: Yeah.
• 3:05
  Matt: Because it's such a you know, like uh I'm trying to think of the right term.
• 3:11
  Matt: The fate of the country hinges on it.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, fate of the country, fate of democracy.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_04: Socio-political balance of most of the planet.
• 3:22
  Matt: Yeah, just you know, light topics like that.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_04: We have fun.
• 3:29
  Matt: We have fun on this podcast, don't we?
• 3:32
  Matt: Um, so I don't believe we got too many suggestions for the name of our first segment, which is, of course.
• 3:42
  Matt: Main segment.
• 3:44
  Matt: No, no, no, it is quick hits.
• 3:45
  Eric: Oh no, god, I fucked that up so bad.
• 3:47
  Eric: I'm so used to like to be set up like, give me a reason.
• 3:50
  Eric: Give me a reason.
• 3:53
  Matt: Oh man.
• 3:54
  Matt: Uh no, it's quick hits.
• 3:56
  Matt: And I I I think the one suggestion we got was like quick questions or something like that.
• 4:02
  Matt: I'm gonna double check what it was.
• 4:04
  Eric: I mean, we can try things on for size.
• 4:07
  Eric: Like, I actually like quick question because if we predicate every one of these with just the phrase quick question, hey Eric.
• 4:17
  Eric: Yeah.
• 4:17
  Matt: I got a quick question for you.
• 4:19
  Matt: Yeah.
• 4:19
  Matt: Yeah, there we go.
• 4:20
  Matt: Yeah, exactly.
• 4:21
  Matt: That's a working title.
• 4:22
  Eric: It's working so far.
• 4:23
  Eric: I'd say we try that shoe on, see how it fits.
• 4:26
  Matt: Okay.
• 4:26
  Matt: Hey.
• 4:27
  Matt: Uh hey, oh, Eric, good to see you there.
• 4:30
  Eric: Oh, hello, I I didn't see you there.
• 4:32
  Matt: Quick question for you.
• 4:33
  Eric: Yeah.
• 4:34
  Matt: Why is there a pumpkin pie season but no other pie specific season?
• 4:42
  Matt: And that's a question that comes from my good friend Sarah Feldman on Instagram.
• 4:46
  Eric: So pumpkin pie season, which I think the agreed time frame is like the second it becomes October till December 24th, pretty much.
• 5:01
  Matt: Oh, um.
• 5:03
  Matt: So you think September is totally out for acceptable consumption.
• 5:08
  Eric: I think September, September is that time frame where we're kind of like right now, when I go into a dollar store and I see a bunch of like Christmas decorations up already, I'm like, okay.
• 5:19
  Eric: So when I see pumpkin spice stuff in September, I'm just like, alright.
• 5:24
  Eric: I guess I here it here it comes.
• 5:27
  Matt: It doesn't excite you.
• 5:29
  Matt: Are you an anti-pumpkin spicer?
• 5:31
  Eric: So up until September 31st, September is 30 31 days, right?
• 5:38
  Matt: 30.
• 5:39
  Matt: 30 days has been.
• 5:40
  Matt: I'm 30 years old and I still have to.
• 5:45
  Eric: Yeah.
• 5:46
  Eric: Yeah.
• 5:47
  Eric: Um, so up until September 30th, I could not give less of a damn about pumpkin spice anything.
• 5:57
  Eric: October 1st, pull out my North Face, bust out my Uggs, slap that PSL on my lips, Starbucks.
• 6:07
  Eric: I I do love me a good a good PSL.
• 6:10
  Matt: Oh, so do I.
• 6:11
  Matt: And I have no shame in admitting that I am in the last two days, I'm two for two in Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Live.
• 6:18
  Eric: I actually I haven't even had one yet.
• 6:21
  Eric: We're 25 days in October.
• 6:23
  Eric: Everything's thrown off.
• 6:24
  Eric: It wasn't even until about two or three days ago I realized, oh, right, it's October.
• 6:30
  Matt: Yeah, and listen, I know that we're introducing a bread bowl-esque topic right now.
• 6:36
  Matt: But if if you don't if you're one of these anti-PSL people, especially this year in 2020, let them just let us have a seasonal beverage free of controversy.
• 6:52
  Eric: Let me cling to this wooden door in the ocean of our society sinking.
• 6:59
  Matt: Yeah, like you have nothing better to do than suck all of the joy out of life like an actual Dementor.
• 7:10
  Eric: Piece of shit.
• 7:13
  Matt: Uh and we got a little away from the question.
• 7:17
  Matt: But why isn't it?
• 7:18
  Matt: So anyway.
• 7:20
  Matt: Oh.
• 7:24
  Matt: Oh my god, could you tell your cat to shut the fuck up?
• 7:27
  Eric: Amelia Bedelia.
• 7:29
  Eric: Daddy's recording a podcast.
• 7:32
  Eric: No, you do not get to be a guest.
• 7:34
  Eric: One day.
• 7:36
  Matt: We have a lineup for guests.
• 7:37
  Eric: I know.
• 7:38
  Matt: We have at least three people who have re who have officially requested guest ship.
• 7:44
  Eric: Oh, hold on, Amelia wants to say something.
• 7:46
  Matt: Okay.
• 7:53
  Eric: Amelia says she's down with the PSL.
• 7:55
  Matt: Eric, I don't think you should be straining your cat like uh like it was pasta into the microphone.
• 8:04
  Eric: She she she she she demands lap.
• 8:07
  Eric: She gets like, okay, now now I free you.
• 8:10
  Eric: I free you from this from from your bond.
• 8:12
  Eric: Oh no.
• 8:12
  Eric: Oh, cat, you're in, you're in okay.
• 8:16
  Matt: This is gonna be a great section of the show.
• 8:19
  Eric: Oh yeah.
• 8:19
  Eric: She was just all all tingle-tangled up in my headphone, my headphone cords.
• 8:24
  Matt: Okay, so Oct so October 1st is your first.
• 8:28
  Matt: If I came to you on September 30th with a slice of that Auburn-looking, delicious, squishy slice of pumpkin pie, what's your reaction?
• 8:40
  Matt: September 30th, 2020.
• 8:42
  Eric: I I would not judge you at all.
• 8:44
  Eric: I'd be like, okay.
• 8:45
  Eric: Boy's got some pumpkin pie.
• 8:47
  Eric: Wonder where he's getting it from.
• 8:48
  Eric: Because I know for goddamn short.
• 8:50
  Eric: Uh Jesus, cat.
• 8:52
  Eric: I'm gonna close that door.
• 8:53
  Eric: Uh my actually, honest to God, my biggest question, if I see a pumpkin pie anything before October, is just where did you get that?
• 9:02
  Eric: Because the concept of being able to get things to make pumpkin pie before October is completely foreign to me.
• 9:11
  Matt: I first of all, I want to say I am fully confident that most grocery stores will have some selection of pumpkin pie throughout the year.
• 9:21
  Matt: Throughout the year.
• 9:23
  Eric: Oh yeah, it's just inconceivable.
• 9:24
  Matt: It's not a whole table like it is in October and November.
• 9:29
  Eric: Yeah, it gives it it gives me that same like kind of synesthesic jarring shock that like if you had walked up to me on uh on like October 31st on Halloween, like eating a candy cane.
• 9:43
  Matt: Okay, candy canes are objectively delicious.
• 9:47
  Eric: No, they are.
• 9:48
  Eric: They're good.
• 9:49
  Eric: I love I love mint things.
• 9:51
  Matt: Who among us does not?
• 9:52
  Eric: But it would fuck me up on a spiritual level to see you eating one in October.
• 9:57
  Matt: I'll tell you this.
• 9:58
  Matt: I there at an old job of mine, uh-huh, there was an event where we gave out candy canes, or intended to, but we got way too many, and no one came to the event.
• 10:11
  Matt: So those two things combined led me to be sitting on a stockpile of candy canes that I casually ate throughout the rest of the year.
• 10:21
  Matt: So it was like into September, October, and I was still having like daily candy canes that were sitting on my desk from just the previous December.
• 10:33
  Matt: That's a true story about me.
• 10:38
  Eric: Oh god, it just demonstrates like the level of commitment you give to things is like so much harder than me because I probably would have kept them, I would have taken them home, they would have gone nowhere, they would still be in my drawer.
• 10:50
  Matt: Oh no, I just filled a mug with them and then refilled the mug.
• 10:53
  Matt: I had a literally a box of candy canes, like a sizable box that just sat next to my desk, and I just refilled this mug throughout the year.
• 11:04
  Eric: Do you want to know my work candy cane story?
• 11:07
  Matt: Yeah.
• 11:08
  Eric: Uh so when I started my job, uh, my desk job, and that's all you really need to know about what I do.
• 11:15
  Eric: The first Christmas at my desk job, my co-worker Arlene, who's a wonderful, wonderful person, she would always decorate the office.
• 11:25
  Eric: For every single holiday, she would bust out decorations and like she'd go hard, and it was really good, and she put a level of effort into it that no one else in this office, myself included, would ever bring to bear.
• 11:38
  Eric: But for Christmas, she had she had a little like a little plastic tree about like three or four feet tall that she'd cover in ornaments and candy canes, and uh it would sit in our little coffee cove.
• 11:51
  Eric: And when I went there to get coffee, I saw can l the little mini candy canes on the tree, and I was like, Oh, I reached to get to grab one, and my other co-worker looks at me, he's like, What are you doing?
• 12:04
  Eric: And I'm I'm gonna I'm gonna eat a candy cane.
• 12:06
  Eric: He says, Oh, dude, no.
• 12:08
  Eric: Arlene bought those candy canes about 10 years ago, and she just reuses the same ones every year.
• 12:15
  Matt: No, Arlene.
• 12:16
  Eric: Those are they are display canes only.
• 12:21
  Matt: I'm speechless.
• 12:22
  Eric: Yeah, yeah.
• 12:23
  Matt: Yeah, that could have been terrible for you.
• 12:25
  Matt: Actually, it probably is fine.
• 12:27
  Matt: I mean, it's just gonna taste like stale sugar.
• 12:31
  Eric: Oh, I'm sure it's yeah, they I don't think they can go bad.
• 12:34
  Eric: They can go not.
• 12:38
  Eric: No, yeah, I don't think they'll hurt you.
• 12:39
  Eric: I just don't think it'll be a pleasant eating experience.
• 12:42
  Matt: No.
• 12:43
  Matt: So the other aspect of this question that we've mostly ignored so far in our answering of it is why is there no other pie specific season?
• 12:55
  Matt: And my question there would be what other season would dictate a pie?
• 13:03
  Matt: Or what pie demands?
• 13:06
  Matt: Thank you.
• 13:06
  Eric: Thank you.
• 13:07
  Eric: I I think the closest I can come to is apple pie in the 4th of July.
• 13:12
  Matt: Apple pie is a year-round pie.
• 13:15
  Eric: Yeah, it is it is America's pie.
• 13:17
  Eric: There's never an inappropriate, and I think that's why pumpkin pie.
• 13:22
  Eric: I think that's it.
• 13:23
  Eric: I think the reason that other pies don't get seasoned is any other pie you can eat any time of year, really.
• 13:30
  Eric: Like blueberry, apple, pecan pie, maybe is like more Thanksgiving specific, depending on, you know, but pumpkin pie has a has a very firm wedge of time to eat it in which you are not considered weird.
• 13:47
  Matt: Now, I I don't think you're considered weird.
• 13:50
  Matt: I just think if you have It doesn't give pause.
• 13:53
  Matt: If you brought pumpkin pie to like a Christmas party, I don't necessarily think anybody'd be like, what?
• 14:01
  Matt: But if you brought pumpkin pie to a memorial day.
• 14:05
  Eric: Yes, exactly.
• 14:06
  Eric: People like, huh?
• 14:07
  Eric: How long has that been in your freezer?
• 14:09
  Matt: Right.
• 14:10
  Matt: Yeah, I think it begs the question because it does evoke the fall.
• 14:13
  Eric: I immediately think, like, okay, they they had to unload this pie.
• 14:18
  Matt: Right.
• 14:18
  Eric: They had to wash their hands of this pie since October.
• 14:23
  Eric: Yeah.
• 14:24
  Eric: I I I tell you this much, wouldn't take a slice.
• 14:27
  Eric: Don't trust me.
• 14:28
  Matt: I would not take a slice of Memorial Day new pumpkin pie.
• 14:33
  Matt: No goodness, no.
• 14:34
  Matt: Now, this is this question this just this question is tough for a native southern Pennsylvanian.
• 14:43
  Matt: Because go on.
• 14:47
  Matt: What?
• 14:48
  Eric: No, go on.
• 14:49
  Eric: I think I know what you're about to talk about.
• 14:50
  Matt: No, no, no, please guess.
• 14:51
  Matt: No.
• 14:52
  Eric: Are you about to bring up shoe fly pie?
• 14:54
  Matt: Shoe fly pie is a thing in Lancaster County.
• 14:59
  Matt: Now, I'm not gonna pretend I've had a lot of it.
• 15:03
  Matt: We know it wasn't like a family staple or anything.
• 15:05
  Matt: I don't think it ever really made appearances at Shea family gatherings.
• 15:10
  Matt: But peep but the vicinity, shoe fly pie is a real thing.
• 15:15
  Matt: Also, whoopie pies, which aren't really pies.
• 15:19
  Matt: Shoe fli okay, you've never heard of a whoopie pie?
• 15:21
  Eric: Yeah, no, I I may have.
• 15:23
  Eric: I go tell me.
• 15:24
  Eric: Paint me a spoon.
• 15:25
  Matt: Whoopie pie, it's not it's not a pie, first of all.
• 15:27
  Matt: It's okay, it looks like an Oreo, right?
• 15:30
  Matt: It's it's about the size of a baseball, generally.
• 15:35
  Matt: Um, and it's got like two chocolate.
• 15:40
  Matt: They're like cakes.
• 15:41
  Matt: They're like little cakes on either side.
• 15:43
  Matt: Oh, yeah, yeah.
• 15:44
  Matt: And in the middle.
• 15:45
  Matt: Yeah, they're like a sponge, a chocolate sponge cake burger.
• 15:49
  Matt: And in the middle is a delicious vanilla cream or buttercream, either work.
• 15:57
  Matt: That's another Amish country staple, is the Whoopee pie.
• 16:00
  Matt: But it's not really a pie.
• 16:01
  Eric: That's not a pie.
• 16:02
  Matt: The shoe fly pie is all over the place.
• 16:04
  Matt: I've had shoe fly pie.
• 16:06
  Eric: It's it's delicious.
• 16:07
  Eric: It is essentially a giant disc of molasses stuffed with graham cracker crumbs.
• 16:12
  Matt: It is good.
• 16:13
  Matt: It's a solid pie.
• 16:14
  Eric: Yeah, I kind of desperately want some now.
• 16:17
  Matt: I am sort of in the mood for it.
• 16:19
  Matt: But it is a southern Pennsylvania delicacy, much like the much more controversial Scrapple.
• 16:28
  unknown: Love me.
• 16:29
  Matt: Scrapple is a Pennsylvania thing.
• 16:32
  Eric: And the best way I've ever heard it described, for anyone who may not know what Scrapple is, it is everything they will not put in the hot dog.
• 16:41
  Matt: Okay, that is a rather graphic way of describing what a scrapple is.
• 16:47
  Eric: It's fucking delicious.
• 16:48
  Matt: I'm not gonna say, yeah, so the way my whole life, the way I've operated with Scrapple, with a with a Scrapple virgin, has been to say, when I say, have you never had Scrapple?
• 16:58
  Matt: And they've been like, no, no, no, no, no, what's a Scrapple?
• 17:01
  Matt: And I say, okay, order some, try it.
• 17:04
  Matt: And they're like, what's in it?
• 17:06
  Matt: And I say, just try it first.
• 17:11
  Matt: Try it so I can hear you admit out loud it's good, before I tell you that it's composed of the scraps that fell off the meat processor.
• 17:25
  Matt: Before I tell you that the the particles were collected with a broom and dust paint.
• 17:30
  Eric: Yes.
• 17:34
  Eric: Oh.
• 17:35
  Matt: Anyway, I think we've answered the question.
• 17:37
  Matt: Oh, we have.
• 17:38
  Matt: Oh, long ago we answered it.
• 17:39
  Matt: Yeah, no, it's yeah, pumpkin pie demands its own season because nothing else is has is is thematic enough to be weird outside of that time frame.
• 17:49
  Eric: I'm not judging you for any other pie any other time of the year, but if you throw me a pumpkin pie on Memorial Day, I'm gonna give you some side eye.
• 17:56
  Matt: Yeah.
• 17:57
  Matt: Stay away from any Memorial Day pumpkin pie.
• 18:02
  Eric: And don't trust Arlene's candy canes.
• 18:04
  Eric: Matt, I got a quick question for you.
• 18:06
  Matt: Oh yeah, sure, go ahead.
• 18:08
  Eric: Keeping in the themes with with pumpkins, if pumpkins were sentient, which do you think they would prefer?
• 18:16
  Eric: Baked in a pie or carve?
• 18:19
  Eric: And that's from Amy Sanka Coffeeface on Instagram.
• 18:23
  Matt: Yes, who provided us with a wonderful painting she did of a centaur after the debut of You Didn't Ask for This.
• 18:34
  Matt: Or as our acronym suggests, you daft, you daft, you daft.
• 18:42
  Matt: I'll give that to the fandom to start running with.
• 18:46
  Matt: Yeah daft! Yeah.
• 18:49
  Eric: Yeah daft.
• 18:51
  Matt: Um, okay.
• 18:53
  Matt: So So both of these would be like torturous to itself.
• 18:56
  Eric: Yeah, I don't think the pumpkin would prefer either of them.
• 18:59
  Eric: I guess, but I guess the question is if forced to choose jigsaw style, what its fate would be, which would it lean towards?
• 19:10
  Eric: So the pumpkin is sentient.
• 19:12
  Eric: Uh for the spirit of the question, I'm assuming the pumpkin is sentient and aware for the entire process of whatever is happening to it.
• 19:25
  Eric: Because if there's a kill, if there's a death point for the pumpkin, it would occur almost assuredly when we scoop its brains out.
• 19:32
  Eric: And in both scenarios, it's it's dead before the unpleasant things happen.
• 19:36
  Matt: Yeah.
• 19:37
  Matt: For sure.
• 19:38
  Matt: So it's it's aware, alive, it feels this question is evoking a um autopsy room four by Stephen King um feeling.
• 19:50
  Matt: Are you familiar with the story?
• 19:51
  Eric: Oh, yeah, we've talked about it.
• 19:52
  Eric: It's one of my favorite Stephen King short stories.
• 19:55
  Matt: It's it's truly one of his best.
• 19:57
  Matt: Fucked me up.
• 19:58
  Matt: There's also a solid film adaptation of it in, I believe, the TNT uh mid-2000s miniseries Nightmares and Dreamscapes.
• 20:08
  Matt: Excellent television.
• 20:09
  Matt: But I digress.
• 20:11
  Matt: For those not familiar with Autopsy Room 4, the plot of Autopsy Room 4 is a man has been uh bitten on a golf course uh by a snake, um, an unseen snake, when he was like in the rough getting his balls, so nobody else saw it, and he became like paralyzed, and his heart rate goes to a undetectable level.
• 20:35
  Matt: So to the world, he appears to be dead, although he is not.
• 20:39
  Matt: He's essentially completely paralyzed, he's experiencing everything, he's ended up in an autopsy room, and they're about to cut him the fuck open.
• 20:47
  Matt: It's tension central.
• 20:49
  Matt: And that's what I'm getting.
• 20:51
  Matt: If I'm the pumpkin being put on the newspaper on the table, you know, and and there's there's dad and the kids like unsheathing the knife, uh going like let's get spooky, kids.
• 21:07
  Matt: I don't know who this dad is.
• 21:08
  Eric: He's a fucking creep.
• 21:12
  SPEAKER_00: Let's get to the carving.
• 21:15
  Eric: Now, quick, quick side question.
• 21:16
  Eric: When you carved pumpkin as a kid, would you would you all get the the kit?
• 21:21
  Eric: Would you get the pumpkin carving kit, or would you just kitchen knife it?
• 21:24
  Matt: Oh, we would we had like a pumpkin carving knife.
• 21:27
  Matt: Like it from a kit, maybe.
• 21:29
  Matt: Gotcha.
• 21:29
  Matt: Oh, oh, but would you would set it aside each year?
• 21:33
  Eric: Like the ancestral blade?
• 21:35
  Matt: Yeah, but not like on a on a pillow cushion on a on a mantelpiece.
• 21:40
  Matt: Oh no.
• 21:40
  Matt: Just in a drawer.
• 21:41
  SPEAKER_03: My son, you're old enough now.
• 21:43
  SPEAKER_03: You must take up the inheritance of the pumpkin sword.
• 21:47
  SPEAKER_03: I will no longer hold your hand while you carve.
• 21:51
  Matt: This carver was given to your great great grandfather.
• 21:56
  Matt: I don't know why my dad has suddenly become Dracula.
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_03: Um know you my son, are family words.
• 22:06
  SPEAKER_03: Cut away from thyself.
• 22:10
  Matt: Yeah, so anyway, it's just a knife with a pumpkin on the the the you know handle.
• 22:16
  Eric: I'd I'd I'd just use a big ass kitchen knife.
• 22:20
  Eric: Really?
• 22:20
  Matt: Like a miracle.
• 22:22
  Eric: Yeah.
• 22:23
  Eric: Well the chef's knife to cut off the top and then like a serrated steak knife to cut out the face.
• 22:27
  Matt: Oh see, the pumpkin knife is very good at its job.
• 22:30
  Eric: Oh, I'm sure.
• 22:32
  Matt: It was designed specifically to get through that, you know, hide of that pumpkin knife.
• 22:39
  Matt: The rind.
• 22:40
  Matt: There you go.
• 22:42
  Matt: Um the carapace.
• 22:44
  Matt: So here you are.
• 22:46
  Matt: You're a pumpkin.
• 22:47
  Eric: Yep.
• 22:48
  Matt: You're a tall pumpkin.
• 22:50
  Eric: Yep.
• 22:51
  Eric: Then now I'm glad it's happening.
• 22:53
  Eric: Why's that?
• 22:55
  Eric: I hate tall pumpkins.
• 22:56
  Matt: You hate tall pumpkins.
• 22:58
  Eric: I hate tall pumpkins.
• 22:59
  Eric: But you are a tall pumpkin.
• 23:01
  Matt: You're literally a tall pump pumpkin.
• 23:03
  Eric: I I feel like when I say I hate tall pumpkins, it's it's it's disingenuous.
• 23:08
  Eric: Um I I don't hate a pumpkin by mere virtue of being vertically tall.
• 23:12
  Eric: I hate long pumpkins.
• 23:13
  Eric: I hate pumpkins that are like longer than they are like taller than they are wide, and they're they're this weird.
• 23:20
  Matt: Yeah, they look more like a like truly like a gourd.
• 23:24
  Matt: Yeah, like a squash almost.
• 23:26
  Eric: Yeah.
• 23:27
  Eric: I want my I want my punkies.
• 23:29
  Eric: I want my pumpkies round.
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_00: You want a plunky pumpkin.
• 23:34
  Eric: I want a plunky punky.
• 23:36
  SPEAKER_00: A plunky pumpky.
• 23:37
  Eric: And I don't know why.
• 23:38
  Eric: I don't I I it's just something about that shape that just displeases me on a visceral level.
• 23:45
  Matt: Okay.
• 23:45
  Eric: So I'm glad this is happening to this pumpkin, if it's a tall pumpkin.
• 23:49
  Matt: Oh, so now you're actively happy about it happening to the pumpkin.
• 23:53
  Matt: But what about the pie angle?
• 23:55
  Eric: So, and that's why I think I the pie angle, if you look at it step by step, might sound a little worse, because the pie is being like not the pie, the the pumpkin is essentially going to be chopped up, put through a blender.
• 24:13
  Eric: Oh yeah.
• 24:14
  Eric: And then and then period.
• 24:16
  Matt: But even though we've established like it does I don't think the pumpkin dies when Yeah, does it maintain consciousness throughout the pieces being distributed across a kitchen?
• 24:28
  Eric: It all depends on what your definite where does pumpkin life end, Matthew?
• 24:33
  Matt: Well, the question, well, actually, it just says if if you were if if pumpkins were sentient, which do you think they would prefer?
• 24:43
  Matt: Being baked in a pie or carved?
• 24:45
  Matt: It doesn't actually suggest that they remain sentient through that whole process.
• 24:50
  Matt: Okay.
• 24:51
  Matt: So it could be that we have a living entity that is murdered, and that's when it ends.
• 24:56
  Matt: And they just have a preference of how they end up.
• 24:58
  Matt: Like humans prefer to be cremated or buried.
• 25:01
  Eric: Oh, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 25:03
  Matt: I understand.
• 25:04
  Eric: I think that's the angle.
• 25:06
  Eric: I think so.
• 25:06
  Eric: What what fate would the pumpkin choose as like so it's it's it's made its peace.
• 25:12
  Eric: It knows it's going to die.
• 25:14
  Matt: Yeah, it it it's it's had its last rights.
• 25:17
  Eric: What happens then?
• 25:18
  Matt: I think it just in its will.
• 25:21
  Eric: Yeah.
• 25:21
  Matt: Well, there's no executor of that will, right?
• 25:25
  Matt: The humans are just cutting you up.
• 25:27
  Eric: Yeah, yeah.
• 25:28
  Eric: Pumpkins don't have rights.
• 25:30
  Matt: Um it's really just a hope.
• 25:32
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, yeah.
• 25:34
  Matt: I This is bumming me out.
• 25:37
  Eric: This is this is really sad.
• 25:39
  Matt: Yeah.
• 25:39
  Eric: Thanks a lot, Amy Sangha Coffee Face.
• 25:42
  Matt: Yeah, this is this is a sad outcome, no matter what.
• 25:45
  Matt: No, you either get baked into a pie and are potentially put in a freezer until Memorial Day.
• 25:54
  Matt: Or you're put outside on a stoop to to become moldy and saggy and an event possibly smashed.
• 26:07
  Eric: Possibly smashed unceremoniously in the street.
• 26:10
  Matt: Yeah.
• 26:10
  Eric: Or if you do like what my dad did, we I never got to smash my pumpkins.
• 26:14
  Eric: My dad, uh, whenever he would go hunting in November, he would always take our leftover pumpkins and use them as target practice to like sight in his rifles and stuff when he was uh at the hunting property.
• 26:27
  Matt: Well, and I think all sentient pumpkins don't want to end up that way.
• 26:32
  Eric: No, that's not ideal.
• 26:34
  Eric: Though they do get to they do get to return to nature, as it were.
• 26:37
  Eric: They're not gonna be thrown in a dump.
• 26:38
  Eric: They're just gonna be left in like the woods.
• 26:40
  Matt: So are the after um are the implications after the carving, after the jack-o'-lantern stage, are those are those uh worse than the implications of being baked into a pie?
• 26:55
  Matt: I think they are.
• 26:57
  Matt: Because you could to your point, you could be abducted and smashed in the street by some angsty preteen.
• 27:05
  SPEAKER_03: Yep.
• 27:05
  Matt: You could be peed on on a stoop.
• 27:08
  SPEAKER_03: Yep.
• 27:09
  Matt: That's a very specific outcome, but I feel like it's pissing on pumpkins.
• 27:13
  Eric: Who pissed on your pumpkin this morning?
• 27:14
  Matt: Nobody has pissed on my pumpkin.
• 27:17
  Matt: I it it it's a specific example.
• 27:19
  Matt: I don't know where it came from.
• 27:21
  Matt: I have no history with a piss and pumpkin.
• 27:24
  Matt: Okay.
• 27:24
  Matt: That now that's a a piss and pumpkin suggests a pumpkin that's that's waving its stick around.
• 27:31
  Eric: Piss and pumpkin.
• 27:32
  Eric: And that's not what I meant.
• 27:33
  Eric: Sounds like an obscure Lancaster treat.
• 27:36
  Eric: Oh, we got some piss and pumpkins.
• 27:38
  Matt: Nope, there's not there's no piss and pumpkin.
• 27:41
  Eric: Oh, we got the piss and pumpkin jamboree.
• 27:44
  Matt: Nope, no piss and pumpkin jamboree.
• 27:48
  Matt: Um, okay.
• 27:50
  Matt: Quick hits is going on for a long time.
• 27:52
  Eric: I I will pause it.
• 27:54
  Eric: I know I'm just muddying the waters more.
• 27:55
  Eric: If you're baked into a pie, you are going to be shat out at some point.
• 27:59
  Matt: Yeah, but they know this going in.
• 28:02
  Matt: Isn't that the outcome of all life?
• 28:04
  Eric: I know.
• 28:05
  Eric: Like at some point, at the end of the day, we're all getting pooped out.
• 28:08
  Eric: Yeah.
• 28:08
  Eric: I also wonder if the pumpkins, if they're sentient, do they have like a sort of mythos?
• 28:15
  Matt: What?
• 28:16
  Eric: Like a pumpkin afterlife.
• 28:20
  Eric: Is there a preferred and I know that only how much time you got, Matt?
• 28:25
  Matt: Yeah, I don't think that's a whole other quick.
• 28:30
  Matt: Yeah, I th I think that's a I think that's a different subject entirely.
• 28:34
  Eric: I think I I I will agree though, I think on a sentient level, I think being carved and put on display is the more humiliating and debasing of the pumpkin fates.
• 28:45
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 28:46
  Eric: I think being baked into a pie and eaten while not ideal, yeah, not pleasant.
• 28:52
  Eric: I think that one more readily lends itself to a higher purpose kind of situation.
• 28:57
  Eric: Like we must be baked to feed the gods that that made us, because we did.
• 29:02
  Eric: We made pumpkins.
• 29:03
  Eric: We would be gods in their eyes.
• 29:05
  Matt: You're right.
• 29:06
  Eric: Yeah.
• 29:07
  Matt: They would want to please the gods.
• 29:09
  Matt: So by being a pumpkin.
• 29:11
  Eric: Yeah, ideal scenarios, you get baked into a pie and eaten, feed the gods so that they may sow more pumpkins.
• 29:17
  Eric: In your image.
• 29:18
  Eric: In your in our image.
• 29:20
  Eric: And then, oh shit.
• 29:21
  Eric: And then if you're a bad pumpkin, you get carved.
• 29:24
  Eric: You get hollowed out with and the the holy flame.
• 29:28
  Matt: Yeah, what we have what we've determined is being baked into a pumpkin pie is pie heaven.
• 29:35
  Eric: Yes.
• 29:36
  Matt: And being sent to a jack-o'-lantern, fate is hell.
• 29:41
  Eric: Yes.
• 29:42
  Matt: Wow, we made this surprisingly religious.
• 29:44
  Eric: But and it's amazing that we spent easily a half an hour to a and it only spent uh it only took us like a minute and a half to like, oh.
• 29:56
  Matt: Well, that's why people come to us, Eric.
• 29:58
  Matt: They want to hear us suss it out.
• 30:01
  Eric: And that's why I have the power to edit out all because folks, I guarantee you're not gonna hear everything we talked about.
• 30:07
  Eric: It took some twists and turns.
• 30:09
  Matt: It took some twists, turns, and those are for us.
• 30:12
  Matt: Those are secret twists.
• 30:14
  Eric: Yeah.
• 30:15
  Matt: Anyway, thank you for those questions, friends.
• 30:18
  Matt: Keep sending them in.
• 30:19
  Matt: You can do so at you didn't ask for this at gmail.com or you didn't ask pod with the letter you didn't ask pod on Instagram or Twitter.
• 30:29
  Matt: But I think it is high time that we head into the main segment.
• 30:35
  Matt: Yeah, and so we got a good one for you today.
• 30:38
  Eric: Since the dawn of time, man has wondered to himself what would happen if that thing fought that other thing.
• 30:47
  Matt: Yeah, like the Tyrannosaurus versus the Orca.
• 30:53
  Matt: Yeah.
• 30:54
  Matt: Did they exist at the same time?
• 30:57
  Matt: No, that I don't think so.
• 30:58
  Matt: That's why I was trying to like compare different things.
• 31:00
  Matt: But you know, Batman versus Superman.
• 31:03
  Matt: Yeah.
• 31:04
  Matt: I thought you were gonna play off of me here.
• 31:07
  Matt: Jets versus sharks.
• 31:10
  Matt: Did you say Jets versus sharks?
• 31:12
  Matt: Yeah.
• 31:13
  Matt: Oh man.
• 31:15
  Matt: We that we know that ends in tragedy.
• 31:18
  Matt: Very tragically.
• 31:19
  Eric: You want to know the super tragic ending of West Side's story?
• 31:22
  Eric: When I went to see it on stage for like a field trip.
• 31:26
  Eric: Yeah.
• 31:27
  Eric: My school didn't plan it correctly.
• 31:29
  Eric: They didn't know the show was like three hours long, so we had to leave during intermission.
• 31:34
  Matt: Oh that oh my god.
• 31:36
  Matt: I was devastated.
• 31:38
  Matt: Yeah, that's awful.
• 31:39
  Matt: Yeah.
• 31:40
  Matt: Wait, where did they see this?
• 31:41
  Matt: On Broadway?
• 31:42
  Matt: No, goodness, no.
• 31:43
  Eric: This is this is this is at the community theater in Glen Burney.
• 31:48
  Matt: Oh, okay.
• 31:48
  Eric: Well But I'll tell you this.
• 31:50
  Eric: To middle school Eric, that was a big deal.
• 31:52
  Matt: That show had some heart.
• 31:54
  Matt: Well, it it it it has heart to more than just middle school Eric, I think.
• 31:58
  Eric: Well, no, that production.
• 31:59
  SPEAKER_02: I don't like yeah, yeah.
• 32:00
  Matt: The the the the Glen Burney players doing their damnedest.
• 32:05
  Matt: I love that we have managed to go down a tangent before introducing the segment.
• 32:10
  Eric: But speaking of things fighting other things.
• 32:12
  Matt: But speaking of things fighting other things, we are going to bring you the this is the first in what we think will be a recurring main segment that we like to call unlikely fights.
• 32:27
  Eric: So the idea, the premise, uh uh funny enough, the premise of who would win in a fight, you know, blank versus blank, that was the original concept for this entire podcast.
• 32:39
  Matt: It was.
• 32:40
  Matt: We were we actually we did do a poll of uh our friends to see if they right from the get-go, we wanted people to tell us what to do with this show.
• 32:51
  Eric: Yeah.
• 32:52
  Matt: Uh as opposed to having original thought.
• 32:55
  Matt: Or putting a modicum of effort, just putting any kind of effort into thinking about our own production.
• 33:02
  Eric: Yeah.
• 33:02
  Matt: Uh, and that was a great suggestion, and we were prepared to run with this, but then, you know, we didn't think that it was all encompassing of other things we would like to talk about.
• 33:12
  Eric: Yeah, and with every passing day, I I am so grateful we did not lock ourselves in it.
• 33:19
  Eric: I would I would throw up if we had to.
• 33:21
  Matt: Oh, I can't possibly agree more, Eric.
• 33:23
  Matt: Yeah.
• 33:24
  Matt: And that is why we're doing the first of these today.
• 33:28
  Matt: I think we will um I think we will uh repeat them probably with some sort of frequency, but I think as they come up.
• 33:38
  Eric: Whenever we've run out of material, we'll do one of these.
• 33:42
  Matt: Okay.
• 33:42
  Matt: Well, I I I I wasn't gonna put it so uh despondently.
• 33:48
  Eric: No, it's not despondently.
• 33:50
  Eric: You hit creative block, you're like, right, fights to the death.
• 33:53
  Matt: Yeah.
• 33:54
  Matt: So today, our combatants are two uh beloved Americans, I think.
• 34:01
  Matt: And that would be namely Bob Ross and B.
• 34:05
  Matt: Arthur.
• 34:06
  Eric: We're really excited about both of these combatants.
• 34:10
  Matt: Yes, I think both of them have Ooh, I think they've got fighting potential buried within them, boiling up like a like a chili, ready at the firehouse.
• 34:20
  Eric: And I love it, and I and I think this is something we should speak to.
• 34:23
  Eric: The fights we're interested in are not the fights you would see like posted on a Facebook group.
• 34:30
  Matt: Right.
• 34:31
  Matt: We are not interested in Batman versus Superman.
• 34:33
  Eric: Yeah, I don't want to see Superman fight Goku.
• 34:36
  Eric: I want to see B.
• 34:37
  Eric: Arthur and Bob Ross fight to the fucking death, though.
• 34:40
  Eric: I would watch that any day of the week.
• 34:43
  Matt: Our t our our test our test matchup, which we uh did to see if we wanted to do it as a podcast, was Jason Alexander versus Colin Powell.
• 34:53
  Eric: Yeah, just to give you a kind of like a look into what we're going for here, what you can expect.
• 34:58
  Matt: Yeah.
• 34:59
  Matt: Oh yeah, we're gonna hold on to that recording though.
• 35:01
  Eric: Yeah.
• 35:02
  Matt: You know, that'll be in the that once we get into the Patreon dude.
• 35:05
  Eric: That'll that'll be some bonus content.
• 35:07
  Matt: Yeah, that'll be uh that'll be the bonus content for our our our OnlyFans.
• 35:12
  Matt: Yeah.
• 35:14
  Matt: I will be selling feet picks, uh in addition to us testing microphones and such.
• 35:22
  Matt: Yes.
• 35:23
  Matt: So anyway, I think first, right out the gate, why don't we give a little bit of background on Bob Ross and Bee Arthur, in case there's anyone out there wondering who are these people?
• 35:36
  Matt: Eric, would you like to uh introduce Beatrice?
• 35:39
  Eric: Matthew, I would love to introduce a powerhouse of a woman that needs no introduction.
• 35:44
  Eric: Beatrice Arthur, born Beatrice Frankel, known simply and belovedly as Bee, to her friends and family, was an American actress and national treasure known for her work on both stage and screen.
• 35:57
  Eric: She got her start on Broadway, won numerous awards for her performance in MAME, alongside America's other kick-ass aunt, Angela Lansbury.
• 36:06
  Eric: On TV, she got her start portraying the role of Maud Finlay, originally appearing on All in the Family, who later got her own series known simply as Maud.
• 36:15
  Eric: However, she may be best known for her work on that great American sitcom, what could arguably be called the epitome of not only the genre, but the televised format itself, Dorothy on Golden Girls.
• 36:30
  Matt: Thank you for that background, Eric.
• 36:32
  Matt: I just want to say, can we claim Angela Lansbury?
• 36:38
  Eric: We can and do.
• 36:40
  Eric: That's why it's a that's why she's America's aunt.
• 36:42
  Eric: You can have ants from other countries.
• 36:44
  Matt: Okay.
• 36:44
  Matt: Alright, you're right.
• 36:45
  Matt: You did say aunt.
• 36:46
  Matt: Yeah.
• 36:47
  Matt: I'll give it to you.
• 36:48
  Matt: Um, well, then that leaves me to talk about Mr.
• 36:52
  Matt: Bob Ross.
• 36:54
  Matt: Uh Bob Ross was an American painter and art instructor and the host of The Joy of Painting on PBS.
• 37:03
  Matt: On the show, Ross taught viewers how to paint using the quick, wet on wet oil painting technique, explaining the process and the materials that he used.
• 37:14
  Matt: Now, he did the show for free, but he used it to build his company, Bob Ross Inc., which still to this day sells art supplies.
• 37:23
  Matt: The show had 31 seasons between 1983 and 1994, but the reruns continue today.
• 37:30
  Matt: He became beloved by viewers for his soft voice and positive attitude on the show.
• 37:36
  Matt: However, many art critics and fellow artists hated Ross.
• 37:40
  Matt: For example, abstract expressionists, Richard Posedot said, quote, I am horrified by art instruction on television.
• 37:49
  Matt: It's terrible.
• 37:50
  Matt: Bad, bad, bad.
• 37:52
  Matt: They are just commercial exploiters.
• 37:54
  Matt: Non-artists teaching other non-artists.
• 37:59
  Matt: Go paint a bush.
• 38:01
  Matt: Ross died in 1995 of lymphoma.
• 38:04
  Matt: However, his internet presence maintained by Bob Ross Inc.
• 38:08
  Matt: led to a resurgence and interest in him, which have has led to him being the cultural icon that he is today.
• 38:15
  Matt: He has a Funko Pop.
• 38:17
  Eric: He does.
• 38:18
  Eric: He does have a Funko Pop.
• 38:19
  Eric: I think does hold on.
• 38:21
  Eric: Does B Arthur have a Funko Pop?
• 38:24
  Matt: Surely.
• 38:24
  Matt: At the very least, there must be Gold a Golden Girls series.
• 38:28
  Matt: If not, there m there should be Funko.
• 38:30
  Eric: Let's see, let's see, let's see.
• 38:33
  Eric: And there it fucking is.
• 38:35
  Eric: Yep.
• 38:36
  Eric: She's got a Dorothy Funko Pop.
• 38:38
  Matt: Do I know Funko Pops or what?
• 38:41
  Eric: Oh my god.
• 38:41
  Matt: So I do love a Funko Pop.
• 38:43
  Eric: It's also worth noting to anyone uh who's wondering, B.
• 38:46
  Eric: Arthur did pass away back in 2009 from lung cancer.
• 38:52
  Eric: Uh also wanted to mention she was.
• 38:56
  Eric: She was a staunch advocate for women's rights as well as fighting against LGBTQ homelessness.
• 39:03
  Eric: She raised tens of thousands of dollars for the Allie Forney Center with one of her final live performances.
• 39:09
  Matt: I believe also animal rights as well.
• 39:12
  Eric: Oh yeah.
• 39:12
  Eric: She was, yeah.
• 39:13
  Eric: B B B did not suffer other people to suffer.
• 39:18
  Matt: Well put, Eric.
• 39:20
  Matt: Thank you.
• 39:20
  Matt: Thank you.
• 39:22
  Matt: Um so I think what we have here are two uh unquestionably wholesome, yeah, positive, yep, delightful influences on American culture.
• 39:35
  Matt: And we're gonna make them fight to the death.
• 39:38
  Matt: Death, death, death.
• 39:40
  Matt: Okay, so let's get I I think the best way to go about this, and Eric, correct me if you disagree, is figure out why they are fighting.
• 39:48
  Eric: Oh Matthew, that's such a good question, and I think we we kind of have a unique uh situation here in that uh I think both of our combatants have a not only a prolific entertainment history, but they also have a history of serving their country.
• 40:08
  Matt: That's right, that's absolutely true, and I don't think a lot of people know that.
• 40:13
  Eric: No, uh, fun fact, my girl B, during World War II, B enlisted as one of the first members of the United States Marine Corps Women's Reserve.
• 40:23
  Eric: After basic training, she served as a typist at Marine Headquarters in Washington, DC.
• 40:28
  Eric: Uh, but later she got transferred by request uh so she could work as a truck driver and a dispatcher.
• 40:34
  Matt: I bet she was such a fucking awesome truck driver.
• 40:37
  Eric: I you know they were stoked to see her every single time like she did a pickup or something like that.
• 40:42
  Matt: Like, just can you imagine hearing her on the fucking CB radio?
• 40:45
  Eric: Oh my god, B.
• 40:46
  Eric: Arthur rolls up, slaps the side of the truck, says, get on in, idiots.
• 40:50
  Eric: So good.
• 40:51
  Eric: Uh she was honorably discharged at the rank of staff sergeant in September 1945.
• 40:58
  Matt: And if we're gonna do that, we might as well talk also about uh Bob Ross, who was a master sergeant in the Air Force.
• 41:06
  Matt: Uh, and before he uh became famous for the joy of painting, um, he said himself that he spent a lot of time yelling.
• 41:15
  Matt: And I pulled this quote for us.
• 41:17
  Matt: I was the guy who makes you scrub the latrine, the guy who makes you make the bed, the guy who screams at you for being late to work.
• 41:25
  Matt: The job requires you to be mean, uh a tough person, and I was fed up with it.
• 41:31
  Matt: I promised myself that I ever got away from it, I wasn't going to be that person anymore.
• 41:36
  Matt: So instead he just he turned to his happy little trees and his two inch brushes.
• 41:42
  Eric: And see, this is where I think our two compatants diverge uh a little bit, because I think B.
• 41:46
  Eric: Arthur would have reveled in dressing down anyone who dared cross her.
• 41:52
  Matt: I think she I think she well, certainly that's the uh that's the Dorothy persona for sure.
• 41:59
  Matt: I think uh she did have disagreements with people in the Golden Girls cast.
• 42:05
  Matt: Um I know Betty White thought that she hated her for like a long period of time.
• 42:13
  Matt: Which um I B.
• 42:16
  Matt: Arthur's son confirmed at one point that there was some bitterness because uh over like how some of the other stars of Golden Girls came to the show and sort of received the the way that so what you know B.
• 42:34
  Matt: Arthur came from theater and like went the very traditional actor rise.
• 42:41
  Matt: Start, start in theater, you know, do some credits on Broadway, eventually do a couple of TV gigs, and like now you're a TV star.
• 42:50
  Matt: But Betty White very much didn't do that.
• 42:54
  Matt: Like she started in TV like from the get-go, like Betty White's been doing TV since like the dawn of time.
• 43:00
  Eric: Yeah.
• 43:00
  Matt: And uh to the point that if I remember correctly, Betty White doesn't remember what her first like appearance was.
• 43:07
  Eric: Matt, we gotta think about the world we want to leave behind for Betty White.
• 43:10
  Matt: We certainly do.
• 43:12
  Matt: It's gonna be, you know, Betty White, and um it's never good when I go for a joke and forget the reference as I make it.
• 43:21
  Matt: I swear to God, I'm trying to 80-year-old man.
• 43:25
  Matt: Sorry, what?
• 43:25
  Matt: I was deriding myself.
• 43:29
  Matt: Um, so yeah, so there was some friction between Yeah, there was, I think, some friction, but not like overtly spoken, right?
• 43:38
  Eric: Oh yeah, no, it would have been that simmering fury.
• 43:41
  Matt: And that's what's important, right?
• 43:42
  Matt: There was the simmering storm brewing underneath the soul.
• 43:47
  Eric: Yeah.
• 43:48
  Eric: And I I I don't think that Bee Arthur is Dorothy.
• 43:52
  Eric: No, no, no.
• 43:53
  Eric: But I do think but it but I do think Bee Arthur knows how to hold a grudge.
• 43:58
  Matt: Oh yeah, and she She left the show because one of the reasons she left the show was because the um you know over time the writers you know the golden girls of course they're just insulting each other the whole time, but Dorothy's insults about other people, uh, about their sexuality and what have you, those are all like easily dismissed from the actor because you know you know each other, everybody is very different from the characters that they portray in most cases, uh, and was the case on the golden girls, right?
• 44:35
  Matt: Like those those people aren't how they are represented in character, but the insults other characters made against Dorothy were all about her looks and her size and that and like how ugly she was, and like that continued through the whole Golden Girls arc.
• 44:56
  Matt: So eventually B.
• 44:58
  Matt: Arthur, and she did bring it up like with writers throughout the show of saying, like, listen, all of all of this stuff you're making fun of me is like is making fun of me, not like the character.
• 45:11
  Matt: And I think eventually she said, fuck this and fuck you.
• 45:15
  Eric: That's fair.
• 45:16
  Eric: I looked it up, she's 5'10.
• 45:18
  Eric: I thought she was taller than that, to be honest with you.
• 45:20
  Eric: I I did too.
• 45:21
  Eric: But at like, yeah, she's five ten.
• 45:23
  Eric: It's probably because everyone on the show is like, I think they're all very short.
• 45:27
  Eric: She's shorter, so she just looks much bigger, which they probably which is probably what the writers were trying to like play up a bunch.
• 45:34
  Eric: Hey, B.
• 45:35
  Eric: Arthur is a strong, powerful, beautiful woman.
• 45:37
  Matt: I don't think there's any I don't think anyone's arguing.
• 45:39
  Matt: I'm certainly not.
• 45:40
  Eric: I'll fucking fight him.
• 45:42
  Eric: Well, I Noah, call it off.
• 45:46
  Eric: I'm fighting people.
• 45:47
  Matt: No, Eric, stop.
• 45:48
  Matt: Okay, sit back down.
• 45:50
  Matt: Um Bob Ross, similarly, he I he came right out and said that he needs to suppress those those more violent tendencies.
• 46:01
  Matt: Which by the way, he his whole time that he was stationed in the Air Force, he was stationed in Alaska.
• 46:08
  Matt: Okay, so like he's up there in this forgotten corner of the world.
• 46:14
  Matt: Sorry, any Alaskan listeners that we have at this point.
• 46:18
  Matt: But um, first of all, I doubt you exist because there's like six of you up there.
• 46:23
  Matt: And Bob Ross yelled at all of you, and Bob Ross took you to task.
• 46:28
  Matt: But he did find his love of mountains.
• 46:30
  Matt: Also, I think it's important, and I didn't realize this until looking into you know, doing the research for this episode.
• 46:36
  Matt: Bob Ross hated people so much that he never painted any trace of people in his work.
• 46:46
  Eric: So Bob so Bob's dealing with a lot of internalized fury.
• 46:51
  Eric: It's it's he sounds like a Vulcan.
• 46:54
  Eric: I don't know how familiar familiar you are with Star Trek.
• 46:58
  Matt: I could stand to know more.
• 47:00
  Eric: The whole point being is Vulcans, you know, they're very cold, uh, unfeeling, they're not cruel or anything, that's Romulans.
• 47:09
  Eric: But they you basically find out Vulcans are pretty much constantly suppressing like genetic murderous rage.
• 47:18
  Eric: Like they have to be super chill at all times, or they're killing everyone.
• 47:23
  Eric: And they're like five times stronger than a human being and faster and just better.
• 47:29
  Eric: They could they could murder us with their bare hands, but that's exactly what we're talking about, and that's exactly what we're talking about.
• 47:35
  Eric: Bob Ross is a Vulcan.
• 47:36
  Matt: He's got this fury building underneath him, and he truly did not show any trace of people in his art.
• 47:43
  Matt: Not only did he not paint people, but he didn't paint things that suggested people.
• 47:48
  Matt: For example, his cabins, which do sort of inherently suggest people, I have to say, he never put any chimneys on them.
• 47:56
  Matt: Why chimneys with smoke coming out would imply life inside.
• 48:02
  SPEAKER_03: Oh my god.
• 48:03
  Matt: So like he didn't even do that, he didn't put anybody like you all those lakes, all those rivers, you never see like a canoe or a boat or anything with somebody paddling along.
• 48:14
  Matt: Because that's how far he wanted to get away from from people.
• 48:20
  Matt: And contributing to his inner rage, I think people might be upset to hear this.
• 48:27
  Matt: He hated that perm.
• 48:30
  Eric: Really?
• 48:30
  Matt: Yes, he hated it.
• 48:32
  Matt: He made it to he got he got the perm because it was economical when he had pennies to his name.
• 48:39
  Matt: But then he used it in the logo for Bob Ross Inc., and so his whole business was based around his look.
• 48:46
  SPEAKER_03: Dude.
• 48:47
  Matt: So like he felt forced to keep it, and he did for the rest of his life, but he hated it.
• 48:52
  Eric: Oh, so he just the coiling serpent.
• 48:56
  Eric: Like he is just waiting to lash out.
• 49:00
  Matt: Oh yeah.
• 49:01
  Eric: Oh, woof.
• 49:02
  Eric: So so yeah, it's so it's not even like they need a reason.
• 49:06
  Matt: Oh no, they got all the reasons.
• 49:08
  Matt: Give them a few.
• 49:09
  Matt: But why do they fight each other?
• 49:11
  Matt: They don't need a reason to fight.
• 49:12
  Matt: I just want to we've established that they are fighters.
• 49:16
  Matt: We've established that they are warriors.
• 49:20
  Eric: They are yeah, they are they kill.
• 49:21
  Matt: They kill.
• 49:22
  Matt: They have stood halfway with the blade.
• 49:24
  Matt: And they shall kill again.
• 49:25
  Matt: Oh my god.
• 49:26
  Matt: But why each other though?
• 49:28
  Eric: I base this off of nothing other than this is all fanfiction, Eric.
• 49:33
  Eric: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 49:34
  Matt: We we are getting these two to fight to the death.
• 49:36
  Matt: Uh first of all, they're both already dead.
• 49:39
  Eric: Yes.
• 49:40
  Matt: So I think everybody understands that this is a work of satire.
• 49:45
  Eric: Um I did mention Angela Lansberry, America's most other beloved aunt.
• 49:50
  Matt: British aunt, yes.
• 49:51
  Eric: British aunt.
• 49:52
  Eric: I'm looking at this picture of Angela Lansberry and Beatrice Arthur, and they and they both have just the most beautiful, how dare you even suggest looking at us faces on them.
• 50:04
  Matt: And how dare we.
• 50:05
  Eric: Yeah.
• 50:06
  Eric: I I propose the following headcanon.
• 50:10
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 50:12
  SPEAKER_00: I'm ready.
• 50:13
  Eric: A love triangle between Beatrice Arthur, Bob Ross, and Angela Lanceberry.
• 50:18
  Matt: Ooh.
• 50:19
  Matt: Daytime TV's getting real.
• 50:22
  Matt: Yeah, yeah.
• 50:23
  Matt: I want it to get mad real.
• 50:25
  Matt: Okay, yeah, I'm down with it.
• 50:27
  Eric: Okay.
• 50:28
  Matt: I think it's I think I think it's the love triangle the world deserves.
• 50:33
  Eric: Yes.
• 50:33
  Eric: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
• 50:35
  Matt: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
• 50:37
  Eric: Absolutely.
• 50:38
  Matt: Yes, I'm all in on this.
• 50:40
  Matt: So, okay, so they had a love triangle and somebody's jealous, you're thinking?
• 50:44
  Eric: Yeah, I think so.
• 50:46
  Eric: I I I can almost envision it.
• 50:48
  Eric: Angela obviously met B during their time in theater.
• 50:53
  Matt: Yeah, they were both in um MAME.
• 50:55
  Matt: Uh MAME, yeah.
• 50:56
  Eric: Yep.
• 50:57
  Eric: Uh I can also foresee like a sort of I'm laughing because I can already see the look on your face, and you're gonna get me.
• 51:08
  Eric: Like a sort of Casablanca situation.
• 51:11
  Eric: Okay.
• 51:11
  Eric: With Angela and Bob in Alaska.
• 51:14
  SPEAKER_00: Uh-huh.
• 51:14
  Eric: Like she's getting on the plane at the end.
• 51:17
  SPEAKER_00: Uh-huh.
• 51:17
  Eric: Uh, and and Matt, that's literally all I know about Casablanca is that there's a scene.
• 51:22
  Matt: Is this is the uh we'll always have Paris?
• 51:25
  Matt: Is that what I'm saying?
• 51:25
  Eric: Yeah, yeah, we'll always have Anchorage.
• 51:29
  Matt: We'll always have Anchorage.
• 51:31
  Matt: We'll always have Anchorage.
• 51:32
  Matt: No one wants that movie.
• 51:34
  Eric: Yeah.
• 51:35
  Matt: We'll always have Anchorage.
• 51:36
  Eric: Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, it's growing.
• 51:39
  Eric: So I think B was with Angela on that plane.
• 51:44
  Eric: Okay.
• 51:44
  Eric: And I think they were both in Alaska.
• 51:47
  Eric: They were touring Maim in Alaska, and that's when they met Bob.
• 51:51
  Eric: Angela fell for Bob.
• 51:54
  Eric: B had already long fallen for Angela, but I don't think she had said anything yet.
• 51:59
  Eric: I think she was getting ready to, and I think just absolutely for the record, if she had said something, Angela would have 100% jumped B.
• 52:09
  Matt: Interesting.
• 52:10
  Matt: Bold claims.
• 52:11
  Eric: But I think Bob, Bob got there first.
• 52:15
  Eric: And I think and like I and B B plays the long game.
• 52:19
  Eric: Like B had probably been like working up not the courage, not that she needs it, because it's B Arthur, but like working up a way she could comfortably and and ethically explain to her friend, Angela Lansberry, that that she was madly in love with.
• 52:38
  Eric: I think No, I just I think that might have been difficult for B to express because it's B Arthur.
• 52:43
  Eric: She's she's used she has to put out she has to put on like a tough exterior.
• 52:46
  Eric: She doesn't have to be Dorothy everywhere she goes, but she's known for being a f she girl grew up in Brooklyn.
• 52:52
  Matt: True.
• 52:52
  Eric: She's she's known for being a fighter.
• 52:54
  Matt: So Bob okay, so then so what happens to cause the fight?
• 52:58
  Matt: B is just attacking Bob one day in in the w wilds of Alaska?
• 53:03
  Eric: No, no, so I think I think what happened.
• 53:07
  Matt: I was gonna say, or maybe she she didn't outright fight Bob Ross, but the tension grew between them, and it it wore on Angela.
• 53:18
  Eric: Yes.
• 53:18
  Eric: Uh yeah.
• 53:19
  Eric: I think what ultimately happened was like there was going to be it was going to come to death blows then, and Angela was just like, I can't even with either of you.
• 53:31
  Eric: And she just out.
• 53:33
  Eric: She's out.
• 53:34
  Eric: She's she's like, we'll always have Anchorage, and but then she's like, We're I'm I'm done.
• 53:38
  Matt: And so Bob is left there standing in the mists of the airport in Anchorage.
• 53:45
  Matt: Yeah.
• 53:45
  Matt: As Angela Andersbury flies away to greener pastures and he just turns around with the with the look of a man who's become unhinged.
• 53:54
  Matt: Yes.
• 53:55
  Matt: A man who's lost his heart.
• 53:57
  Eric: Now, do we think now does the fight happen right now, or is this the kind of thing that simmers?
• 54:05
  Matt: I think uh no, I think Bob is ready to go, but I don't think B is not there.
• 54:10
  Eric: No, oh no, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 54:12
  Eric: I think I think B.
• 54:13
  Eric: They're not just brawling in the airport.
• 54:15
  Eric: No, no, no, yeah.
• 54:16
  Eric: I think B got the hell out of there.
• 54:18
  Eric: She took the first truck out of Alaska.
• 54:20
  Matt: Right.
• 54:20
  Matt: And so it took me a minute.
• 54:25
  Matt: It took me a minute.
• 54:27
  Matt: Oh man.
• 54:28
  Matt: Yeah, she jumped in a uh yellow truck.
• 54:32
  Matt: Yeah.
• 54:32
  Matt: Do they even have that anymore, you know?
• 54:34
  Matt: Yellow.
• 54:35
  Matt: You know what I'm talking about?
• 54:36
  Eric: Wait, are those like the big shipping trucks that literally just say yellow on them?
• 54:39
  Eric: Yeah.
• 54:40
  Eric: Oh, okay, yeah.
• 54:40
  Eric: No, those are still a thing.
• 54:42
  Eric: Okay.
• 54:43
  Matt: Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.
• 54:45
  Matt: Okay.
• 54:45
  Matt: So, okay, so she is come on, good buddying her way away.
• 54:50
  Matt: Yeah.
• 54:51
  Matt: Now, does she take the same play plane as Angela?
• 54:54
  Matt: I thought she just took a truck.
• 54:56
  Eric: Well, okay, sorry.
• 54:57
  Eric: I thought we were joking.
• 54:58
  Eric: No, yeah, she took a truck.
• 54:59
  Matt: No, I think she hopped down to the local yellow factory, got in a car, grabbed the radio, and said, you know, alright.
• 55:09
  Eric: Have the tailgate of the boat open.
• 55:11
  Eric: I'm pulling her in.
• 55:12
  Eric: Like, I do, I do like that like B having to high tail uh hightail it out of Alaska.
• 55:17
  Eric: She's not afraid of Bob, but she knows like this is he's got the home field advantage here.
• 55:22
  Eric: I think they both know in that moment when Angela leaves that this will end in one of their deaths.
• 55:28
  Matt: But as she yeah, and as she's, you know, peeling out of Alaska in her yellow truck.
• 55:34
  Eric: Yeah.
• 55:35
  Matt: Simmering behind that wheel, I think her whole long, long drive across Canada and back into the United States properly, I think she just building.
• 55:46
  Matt: This rage is just building of what has been taken from her by the permed Bob Ross.
• 55:52
  Eric: Yes.
• 55:52
  Eric: I I I think this was like a perfect storm for planting the bitter, bitter seeds of vengeance in both of them.
• 56:00
  Eric: Not a question of if, but when.
• 56:02
  Matt: And likewise for Bob.
• 56:03
  Matt: He's as she's driving away, she's building it this rage, she's ready to go, and so is Bob.
• 56:09
  Matt: And when I think when when B.
• 56:12
  Matt: Arthur pulls into her home in the yellow truck, she pulls right into her driveway.
• 56:19
  Matt: Um, she gets out and she sees a package.
• 56:23
  Matt: She sees a package waiting at her door.
• 56:25
  Eric: What is it?
• 56:26
  Matt: What the fuck is this?
• 56:27
  Matt: She put she she unwraps that, you know, like cardboard y packing uh paper.
• 56:33
  Matt: You know what I'm talking about?
• 56:35
  Matt: So that old timey packaging paper.
• 56:37
  Matt: She unwraps it, and there is a canvas.
• 56:41
  Matt: A canvas that shows a beautiful Alaskan mountain with some happy little clouds with some happy little trees, and one chimneyless cabin.
• 56:56
  Matt: Sitting right on the banks of a happy little pond.
• 57:01
  Matt: She knows she knows this cabin, I think.
• 57:03
  Eric: Oh, so it's it's depicting a place she's been.
• 57:06
  Matt: Oh, I think it's depicting a very special place to her.
• 57:10
  Matt: Perhaps a place that she rendezvoused with both of them, maybe.
• 57:18
  Matt: Maybe there was a polyamorous angle to this love trying.
• 57:22
  Eric: I am that.
• 57:24
  Eric: Sorry, the sound you just heard was me meshing that like and subscribe button.
• 57:35
  Eric: Oh man.
• 57:36
  Eric: Oh yeah.
• 57:37
  Eric: Okay.
• 57:38
  Eric: So so this is Bob.
• 57:41
  Eric: This is from Bob.
• 57:42
  Eric: Oh, it yeah, no question who it's from.
• 57:45
  Eric: This is is this his throwing down of the glove?
• 57:49
  Matt: This is his throwing down of the glove.
• 57:51
  Matt: This is him saying, because you know what?
• 57:53
  Matt: The the door on that cabin, it's open.
• 57:56
  Matt: It's open.
• 57:56
  Matt: Oh, you open.
• 57:57
  Matt: Oh, the door's open.
• 57:59
  Matt: You know what?
• 57:59
  Matt: Maybe there is a chimney, and there's a little smoke trail coming to that.
• 58:06
  Matt: Never before seen in a Bob Ross, because he's telling her, I'm waiting.
• 58:11
  Eric: Oh fuck.
• 58:12
  Eric: You know where to find me.
• 58:13
  Eric: That's okay.
• 58:13
  Eric: And can we also just talk about the absolute power move of waiting for B to get back from Alaska?
• 58:21
  Matt: He waits for this poor woman to drive all the way across Canada, all through the I I don't know if she's living in New York at this time or where she was living, probably Los Angeles.
• 58:32
  Matt: But the even more so, she has to drive all the way down the coast.
• 58:36
  Eric: And he knows, he knows she's gonna see it, she's gonna come back.
• 58:40
  Eric: Like so, so he's already kind of put himself at an advantage because she like she's gonna have to put all this effort and just getting back to fucking Alaska, and and and that just gives him time to repair.
• 58:53
  Eric: And he knows she's not gonna turn down that challenge.
• 58:56
  Matt: So she turns that yellow truck around, right?
• 58:58
  Eric: But but I don't even think she goes in the door of her house.
• 59:01
  Matt: Oh, but but what it but but think about what she's got here.
• 59:05
  Matt: She's got a gigantic space with which which to bring preparations.
• 59:12
  Eric: Oh yo! Okay, so yeah, this is like the scene in like John Wick, she's going into her garage, she pulls like a sledgehammer out and starts bashing the concrete to get at the vaults underneath of her garage.
• 59:26
  Matt: Yeah, while Hell's Bells is playing in the background.
• 59:29
  Eric: Oh, hell yeah.
• 59:31
  Eric: She's I would pay any amount of money for that B.
• 59:35
  Eric: Arthur strapping up like a la Batman forever.
• 59:40
  Matt: And this and then at the same time, it's interspersed with shots of Bob Ross at his cabin, just both painting and then like chopping wood with with fury in his eyes.
• 59:52
  Eric: And we're like, what is he doing with it?
• 59:53
  Eric: What is he doing with the wood?
• 59:54
  Eric: What's he doing?
• 59:54
  Eric: Yeah, what's he doing with the wood?
• 59:57
  Eric: Because you look at the house, he has stacks of firewood for days.
• 1:00:00
  Eric: What is he chopping the wood for?
• 1:00:02
  Eric: Oh.
• 1:00:03
  Matt: So here's what I think.
• 1:00:05
  Matt: Yeah.
• 1:00:06
  Matt: Here's what I like to suggest.
• 1:00:07
  Matt: God hit it with wood.
• 1:00:08
  Matt: We skip ahead.
• 1:00:09
  Matt: Two, B.
• 1:00:10
  Matt: Arthur has loaded up her truck with something.
• 1:00:14
  Matt: We we haven't seen what it is.
• 1:00:16
  Matt: We haven't seen what it is yet.
• 1:00:17
  Matt: We don't know.
• 1:00:18
  Matt: I mostly because I haven't thought of what it is.
• 1:00:20
  Eric: Yeah.
• 1:00:21
  Matt: No, no, no.
• 1:00:22
  Eric: We'll get there.
• 1:00:22
  Eric: We'll get there.
• 1:00:23
  Matt: So she she pulls up down the the rocky road trail.
• 1:00:28
  Matt: That makes it sound like an ice cream.
• 1:00:33
  Matt: The road trail that is rocky.
• 1:00:36
  Matt: Okay.
• 1:00:37
  Matt: She but you get it.
• 1:00:38
  Matt: There's a gravelly road.
• 1:00:39
  Matt: You get it.
• 1:00:40
  Eric: I get it.
• 1:00:41
  Eric: I fucking get it.
• 1:00:42
  Matt: Okay, so she she pulls that yellow truck to a stop outside this bucolic cabin.
• 1:00:48
  Eric: Yep.
• 1:00:49
  Matt: With it, just as it was in the in the in the painting.
• 1:00:52
  Eric: Oh, oh, absolutely.
• 1:00:54
  Eric: She she's she's impressed.
• 1:00:56
  Matt: She's impressed.
• 1:00:57
  Matt: She says, those trees, they are happy.
• 1:00:59
  Matt: Yep.
• 1:00:59
  Matt: Dumb joke.
• 1:01:00
  Matt: Okay, so she goes, she gets out of the cabin.
• 1:01:03
  Eric: Yeah.
• 1:01:03
  Matt: And she she she makes or she the her cabin, I mean, of the the the calf of the truck.
• 1:01:10
  Matt: She gets out, she approaches the cabin.
• 1:01:13
  Matt: The door is open.
• 1:01:14
  Matt: Just as it was.
• 1:01:15
  Matt: And now we're at.
• 1:01:16
  Matt: We we have the we have the who, we have the where, we have the why, but now who's gonna make the first move?
• 1:01:24
  Eric: Okay.
• 1:01:25
  Eric: So let me take you on this journey.
• 1:01:27
  Matt: Please do.
• 1:01:28
  Eric: The door is open.
• 1:01:30
  Eric: Yes.
• 1:01:30
  Eric: I'm torn because let me back up.
• 1:01:33
  Eric: I don't think B Arthur goes through the door.
• 1:01:37
  Eric: I think B Arthur, after the the trip she just made, I think all niceties are behind her.
• 1:01:43
  Eric: They both know she's there.
• 1:01:45
  Eric: Uh she she doesn't give a fuck about symbolism.
• 1:01:49
  Matt: Maybe, I mean, maybe Bob even, you know, she pulls up, she gets out of the cab, and she just hears, you know, Bob Ross say from inside, unseen, you know, oh, is is is that you?
• 1:02:01
  Matt: Is that you, Beatrice?
• 1:02:02
  Matt: And she says, she says, no, Bob, it's Frosty the Snowman.
• 1:02:07
  Eric: So and she says that like seconds before she leap dives through one of the windows of the cabin.
• 1:02:15
  Eric: Uh so like I think she uses her marine training in that moment.
• 1:02:19
  Eric: B's got a knife.
• 1:02:20
  Eric: Okay.
• 1:02:20
  SPEAKER_00: Oh wow.
• 1:02:21
  Eric: She dives through the window, does a roll, and like goes to stab where she heard Bob's voice coming from.
• 1:02:28
  Eric: It's like an old record player that's playing, oh B, how nice to see you.
• 1:02:33
  Eric: Oh, B, how nice to see you.
• 1:02:35
  Eric: And she's like, Where is he?
• 1:02:37
  Eric: Matt, that's when like the camera does that thing where it's like like you're you're looking at B and there's like a wall of the cabin behind her, and then it focuses on the wall, and you see two eyes open on the wall.
• 1:02:48
  Eric: Bob painted himself to look like the wall of the fucking cabin, and he leaps at her.
• 1:02:53
  Eric: Oh no.
• 1:02:54
  Eric: Yeah.
• 1:02:54
  Matt: What's his weapon?
• 1:02:55
  Matt: What's he got?
• 1:02:56
  Eric: Oh, I So this comes back to what was he?
• 1:03:01
  Eric: I think he's got like two brushes that he's essentially sharpened into knives.
• 1:03:07
  Eric: Into like, yeah, what's the stakes?
• 1:03:09
  Eric: Yeah.
• 1:03:11
  unknown: Yeah.
• 1:03:11
  Matt: Okay, so he's got his stake brushes.
• 1:03:13
  Matt: Yeah, he's got a big thing.
• 1:03:14
  Matt: He's got his two-inch steak brushes.
• 1:03:16
  Eric: Yeah, yeah.
• 1:03:17
  Matt: I what just came out of my mouth?
• 1:03:19
  Matt: Steak brushes.
• 1:03:20
  Eric: Steak stick steak brushes.
• 1:03:22
  Matt: He's got he's got those sti those stabbers.
• 1:03:25
  Matt: And so he pins, you know, he gets right on top of it.
• 1:03:28
  Matt: She was already on the ground.
• 1:03:29
  Matt: She's right on top.
• 1:03:30
  Matt: And I think we have one of those classic situations where she like throws up that knife hand just to.
• 1:03:36
  Matt: Oh, and they and they have like the they're grappled.
• 1:03:40
  Matt: Yes, and like the they're both got like a knife or a brush like pointed like inches from their face as they uh Yes, and I think I think you know that he he I think Bob loosens his grip a little bit and it he gets more dagger, right?
• 1:03:56
  Matt: Like he's right there.
• 1:03:57
  Matt: Yep.
• 1:03:58
  Matt: You you with me?
• 1:03:59
  Matt: Yeah, I'm with you.
• 1:04:00
  Matt: He's right up close to B.
• 1:04:01
  Matt: And then but but but what's coming out of his hand is just like a little bit of blade.
• 1:04:06
  Matt: But he he just opens his hand a little bit, it like Arya Stark.
• 1:04:10
  Matt: It just drops down a little bit.
• 1:04:12
  Matt: Oh and and he goes, Let's just put in a couple happy little stabs, and just goes at the end.
• 1:04:18
  Eric: Yeah, I think he gets I think Bob gets first blood.
• 1:04:20
  Matt: Yes.
• 1:04:20
  Eric: Where does he still like I'm thinking like leg?
• 1:04:23
  Matt: Uh no, I think if they're grappling, he he's making he's making photo like maybe shoulder contact.
• 1:04:29
  Eric: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 1:04:30
  Eric: Ooh, okay, hear me out though.
• 1:04:32
  Matt: I'm ready.
• 1:04:32
  Eric: B Arthur.
• 1:04:34
  Eric: He knife goes into her shoulder, would have pierced down into like the fucking jugular vein that's like running underneath her shoulder.
• 1:04:44
  Eric: The shoulder pads she slid underneath of her outfit that she that she keeps on her wherever she goes.
• 1:04:52
  Eric: That stops the knife just enough, like stops it from being like a fatal wound.
• 1:04:56
  Eric: Yeah.
• 1:04:57
  Eric: So like he so like stabs down.
• 1:04:59
  Eric: He thinks he got her, and then she like rolls off of him.
• 1:05:02
  Eric: Yeah.
• 1:05:02
  Eric: And then she takes out the shoulder pad.
• 1:05:05
  Matt: I think she gets like a good kick.
• 1:05:06
  Matt: Like she, you know, she like gets him off of he he he he let up his energy when he got the stabs because he thought he He was going all in.
• 1:05:14
  Matt: He thought he thought, I can end this in one blow.
• 1:05:17
  Matt: And she kicks him off.
• 1:05:19
  Matt: He he he oh he flies across the room.
• 1:05:22
  Matt: He the po the kick was so powerful.
• 1:05:24
  Matt: He's he bashes through log cabin furniture.
• 1:05:27
  Matt: And and as he rightens himself, she like flap, she like removes the flap of her jacket.
• 1:05:35
  Matt: You see the shoulder pad injury, and she says something like, You never did get very deep, or something like that.
• 1:05:42
  Eric: Ooh, oh yeah, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 1:05:45
  Matt: And I So Yeah, she just says like she she he she opens that flap, you see the shoulder pad, and she goes, Yo is work just the tip, Bob.
• 1:05:59
  Matt: And And goes for blow number two, which is what?
• 1:06:04
  Eric: So I think right now Bob Bob put a lot into that opening volley.
• 1:06:09
  Eric: I uh I think they're doing that thing, they're kind of like circling each other, like against their respective wall of the cabins.
• 1:06:16
  Eric: They're both scanning for anything they can use as like a ranged weapon.
• 1:06:21
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 1:06:22
  Eric: Um, I don't think Bob has any guns in the house.
• 1:06:25
  Matt: Oh no, Bob has no need for them, and I'll tell you why.
• 1:06:28
  Eric: No, no, no.
• 1:06:28
  Eric: Um, likewise, I don't think B brought a gun to this fight.
• 1:06:32
  Eric: I think they both knew this was going to be They wanted it up close and personal.
• 1:06:35
  Eric: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 1:06:37
  Eric: So I've just got this image of Bob Ross and B.
• 1:06:39
  Eric: Arthur circling each other.
• 1:06:41
  Eric: Bob is like wild-eyed.
• 1:06:43
  Eric: No, he's still painted to look like a wall of the cabin.
• 1:06:47
  Eric: He's got like this camouflage paint, like he's fucking PETA in the Hunger Games.
• 1:06:52
  Matt: And I think he stops his circling when B is right where the door is, right?
• 1:06:57
  Matt: Like back to the open door.
• 1:07:00
  Matt: And that is when I would like to introduce something another fact about Bob Ross.
• 1:07:08
  SPEAKER_02: Oh god, hit me.
• 1:07:09
  Matt: Bob Ross was an animal lover and frequently talked about how he would nurse injured animals, specifically squirrels.
• 1:07:21
  Eric: Oh, I remember the squirrel.
• 1:07:24
  Matt: He was a squirrel that lived in his jacuzzi.
• 1:07:29
  Matt: Holy shit.
• 1:07:30
  Matt: He also had another squirrel that would live in his pocket on the show called Peapod.
• 1:07:36
  Eric: Oh my god.
• 1:07:37
  Matt: And so as she's got her back to the door, thinking of what her next attack is gonna be.
• 1:07:42
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 1:07:43
  Matt: All of a sudden, she feels oh, she feels something run up the back of back of her jacket.
• 1:07:49
  Matt: And all of a sudden, just these attack squirrel bites on her neck.
• 1:07:55
  Matt: From Peapod.
• 1:07:56
  Matt: From Peapod the Attack Squirrel.
• 1:07:58
  Eric: I I'm also imagining, like so she gets attacked from the first squirrel from behind.
• 1:08:04
  Eric: It runs up her leg, and like she's like, what the?
• 1:08:07
  Eric: And she looks at Bob, and Bob at that exact moment like extends his hand, and out of the sleeve of his fucking coat just leaps the second squirrel.
• 1:08:15
  Matt: From one from each sleeve.
• 1:08:17
  SPEAKER_03: Oh yeah, yeah.
• 1:08:18
  Matt: Out they come, and they they attach themselves.
• 1:08:25
  Matt: And so B's got three squirrels on her.
• 1:08:27
  Matt: She falls out the door and she looks, and I think what's staring at her, uh a perimeter of moose have have surrounded.
• 1:08:39
  Matt: Oh, okay.
• 1:08:40
  Matt: So Bob's bringing nature to bear.
• 1:08:43
  Matt: He's like snow white, but militant.
• 1:08:46
  Eric: Yeah.
• 1:08:47
  unknown: Yeah.
• 1:08:48
  Eric: And I think, ooh, ooh, Matt, I had a brain blast.
• 1:08:50
  Eric: Um I I know what he was doing with that chopping wood earlier.
• 1:08:55
  Eric: I think so.
• 1:08:55
  Eric: I think the moose and stuff, their position such, and and bees no full, she knows that a human is no match for a full-grown moose.
• 1:09:06
  Eric: It can easily murder the shit out of us.
• 1:09:09
  Eric: Yes.
• 1:09:09
  Eric: Um, so she's got these squirrels.
• 1:09:12
  Eric: She's trying to fight off these squirrels while she's also trying to like get towards her truck, but the moose and stuff are like forcing her to like reposition and circle around the perimeter of the cabin in a way she she did not intend to go.
• 1:09:27
  Eric: Matt, the ground is covered in snow.
• 1:09:31
  Eric: Bob was out back chopping wood for hours.
• 1:09:36
  Matt: Yes.
• 1:09:36
  Matt: This we know.
• 1:09:38
  Eric: B, B is trying to like fight her way back to the truck while fighting off these squirrels and like dodge rolling these moose.
• 1:09:48
  Eric: And that's when I think she falls into the pit trap of wooden stakes.
• 1:09:52
  Eric: That's exactly where I was going.
• 1:09:55
  Eric: Like, he's all about maneuvering her and I think that's Bob's MO.
• 1:10:00
  Eric: He maneuvers people into the position he needs them in and then kills.
• 1:10:04
  Eric: Whereas B's much more direct.
• 1:10:08
  Eric: So I think he sees her go down into the pit.
• 1:10:11
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 1:10:12
  Eric: With the squirrels, I think like maybe even a moose goes down with her.
• 1:10:16
  Eric: I think Bob was ready to make that sacrifice.
• 1:10:18
  Matt: Yes, and he and then he dismisses the other moose.
• 1:10:22
  Eric: Yes, yes.
• 1:10:23
  Eric: He he banishes them back to the he raises a hand and they they disperse.
• 1:10:27
  Eric: Does he have like a little horn?
• 1:10:28
  Eric: Or does he like put his hands up to the Yeah.
• 1:10:34
  Matt: He somehow has like a conch shell that he's come up with.
• 1:10:40
  Matt: I love both of us right now are just making little horns with our hands.
• 1:10:44
  Matt: As if this is making any difference to the sound of that.
• 1:10:51
  Matt: Yeah.
• 1:10:52
  Matt: Okay.
• 1:10:53
  Matt: So she he's made this woodland call.
• 1:10:55
  Matt: The moose is the meese dispersed.
• 1:11:02
  Eric: They just go off in different directions.
• 1:11:04
  Matt: I like calling them mese, even though I know that's incorrect.
• 1:11:08
  Eric: It is not apparently the correct plural for moose is in fact moose.
• 1:11:12
  Eric: Moose.
• 1:11:12
  Eric: But meese is moose.
• 1:11:13
  Matt: It's like deer.
• 1:11:14
  Eric: Yeah, it but I like mece.
• 1:11:16
  Matt: But I like mece better.
• 1:11:18
  Eric: Mies is real good.
• 1:11:19
  Matt: Okay.
• 1:11:20
  Matt: So the the flock of mice go away.
• 1:11:23
  Matt: And and I think I am sort of imagining, I am sort of imagining Bob Ross doing that thing from Back to the Future 3 that Mad Dog Tannin does, where he thinks he kills Marty, and he's like, I'm so good.
• 1:11:38
  Matt: And you know what I'm talking about?
• 1:11:39
  Matt: Yeah, and the same thing that to no one in particular, just everyone around him.
• 1:11:43
  Matt: He's just like she went down.
• 1:11:46
  Matt: Yeah.
• 1:11:46
  Eric: Or like or like or like what fucking 1980, alternate 1985 Biff does when Marty just jumps off the side of the the building.
• 1:11:55
  Matt: Yeah, it's the exact same thing.
• 1:12:01
  Matt: So yeah.
• 1:12:01
  Eric: Who is that for, Biff?
• 1:12:03
  Matt: Yeah, he and he does that's even more pronounced than Back to the Future too, because he when he's Donald Trump Biff, he's just like looking to no one on the roof.
• 1:12:13
  Matt: He's like There's no one else up there.
• 1:12:15
  Matt: What an idiot.
• 1:12:17
  Eric: Why does he do that?
• 1:12:18
  Eric: What a fucking dweed.
• 1:12:19
  Matt: Oh man, Thomas L.
• 1:12:21
  Matt: Wilson, what a choice.
• 1:12:23
  Matt: Uh so but then in both those circumstances, Marty pops up seemingly from the dead and knocks Biff out.
• 1:12:33
  Matt: So this is what I'm trying to set up here.
• 1:12:35
  Matt: He's yeah, he approaches the pit going oh and that just sounds like he's coughing.
• 1:12:44
  Matt: He he coughs his way over to the to the pit and he looks down, and I think all he sees down there is the moose is a dead moose.
• 1:12:53
  Eric: Yes, yes, yes, 100%.
• 1:12:55
  Eric: All he sees is the moose.
• 1:12:57
  Matt: How B Arthur got out there, I don't think anyone needs to know.
• 1:13:01
  Eric: We'll see.
• 1:13:01
  Eric: See.
• 1:13:03
  Matt: I think what happens is he turns around.
• 1:13:06
  Matt: Because if you look down and your victim is not in your victim pit, you there's panic.
• 1:13:12
  Eric: Yeah.
• 1:13:12
  Eric: Yeah, there's a panic.
• 1:13:14
  Eric: I well, here's the thing.
• 1:13:15
  Eric: Let me hit you with this and let me know if this doesn't work.
• 1:13:18
  Eric: He panics.
• 1:13:19
  Eric: He looks around like, where the fuck did she go?
• 1:13:24
  Eric: That's when that's when we see the pits in the background.
• 1:13:27
  Eric: We see what we think is the moose coming up out of the hole.
• 1:13:31
  Eric: That's fucking B Arthur.
• 1:13:34
  Eric: I think either A, she's lifting this dead moose, or she like sliced it open Tauntaun style and crawled inside and is like wearing it like a suit.
• 1:13:45
  Matt: She's wearing the moose like a suit.
• 1:13:46
  Matt: Immediately she she had the time somehow to get in there while Biff was he Bob Biff.
• 1:13:56
  Matt: Well Bob I I went too far into the metaphor.
• 1:14:00
  Matt: While Bob does this.
• 1:14:00
  Matt: So okay, so wait, so are you saying she's gonna jump out?
• 1:14:04
  Eric: Well, actually, now that I'm thinking, I I think I like this image better.
• 1:14:07
  Eric: I think I like the image of he goes down, he sees the impaled moose.
• 1:14:11
  Eric: I don't think she'd have enough time to slice open the moose and like crawl out of a hole while wearing it.
• 1:14:17
  Matt: No, I think that's silly.
• 1:14:18
  Matt: Realistically, no way.
• 1:14:19
  Eric: But I do think that Bob being a military man, he's gotta confirm the kill.
• 1:14:25
  unknown: Yeah.
• 1:14:25
  Eric: He might at first just think that the moose fell on top of her and crushed her.
• 1:14:30
  Eric: So like he gets down into the hole and like he starts like lifting the dead body of the moose up.
• 1:14:35
  Eric: He's got like a knife at the ready.
• 1:14:36
  Eric: Like he's he's just like ready to fucking finish this.
• 1:14:39
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 1:14:40
  Eric: He lifts up the moose, there's nothing there.
• 1:14:43
  Eric: That's when B.
• 1:14:44
  Eric: Arthur's knife hand comes plunging out of the moose's like side and like into his rib.
• 1:14:52
  Eric: Like she she get like she she goes for the surprise attack.
• 1:14:56
  Eric: She I think she had enough time to eviscerate this moose, crawl into its insides, and then like just get ready for the sneak attack.
• 1:15:03
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 1:15:04
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 1:15:05
  Eric: And now I think the fight now the fight's happening in the bloody moose pit.
• 1:15:09
  Matt: There's a bit with a dead moose.
• 1:15:13
  Eric: B Arthur stabs and then like, you know, slithers out of the out of the the moose guts.
• 1:15:18
  Eric: Uh, she's covered head to toe in moose viscera.
• 1:15:21
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 1:15:22
  Eric: I think this pit is I I'll I'll say like ten foot diameter.
• 1:15:26
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 1:15:27
  Eric: Um, so I think they're both like backed up against the walls of this pit now.
• 1:15:31
  Eric: And I think this is like the moment the moment they understand like this is it, like one of them isn't coming out of this pit.
• 1:15:38
  SPEAKER_00: I'm with you.
• 1:15:39
  Eric: Okay.
• 1:15:39
  Eric: But I just want to I just want to I I I needed that validation in your eyes.
• 1:15:43
  Matt: But here's here's here here's where I was going.
• 1:15:45
  Matt: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 1:15:46
  Matt: If I could offer you.
• 1:15:47
  Matt: If I can alter offer an alternate scenario.
• 1:15:50
  Matt: Yeah, so they're going back and forth.
• 1:15:52
  Eric: Yep.
• 1:15:53
  Matt: In this pit.
• 1:15:54
  Matt: She she stabs through the moose carcass, and the moose carcass as they're as they're flailing around there, Bob gets a little pinned by the moose carcass.
• 1:16:05
  Matt: And B uses this opportunity to jump out.
• 1:16:09
  Matt: But Bob's only down for a minute.
• 1:16:11
  Matt: He's a he's a strong guy.
• 1:16:12
  Matt: He gets that moose off of her him, he jumps out, and he sees B.
• 1:16:17
  Matt: Arthur just in time to go into the side door of the truck.
• 1:16:21
  Matt: You know what I'm talking about?
• 1:16:23
  Matt: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 1:16:24
  Matt: That little side normal door with the with the bar that's that folds over it to lock it.
• 1:16:30
  Matt: You know what I'm talking about?
• 1:16:31
  Eric: I'm 100% with you.
• 1:16:32
  Eric: Yes.
• 1:16:32
  Matt: Yes.
• 1:16:33
  Matt: He sees her just jump into the the darkness of the truck.
• 1:16:36
  Matt: Okay.
• 1:16:37
  Matt: He gets up and he follows.
• 1:16:39
  Matt: He and you know what?
• 1:16:40
  Matt: He breaks off one of the he you know he picks up the axe that he was using.
• 1:16:43
  Eric: Oh, yeah, yeah.
• 1:16:44
  Eric: I think he's doing that thing where he's like holding his side with one hand and like dragging the axe with the other.
• 1:16:49
  Matt: Yeah, he's Jack Torrancing it through the through the snow, and he jumps into the the back of the truck completely black.
• 1:16:57
  Matt: Okay, only the light from outside is coming in.
• 1:17:00
  Matt: Okay, so he he can see but dimly, and he sees what he thinks is he sees B standing in the in the back of the truck, and he just full on attacks.
• 1:17:13
  Eric: I think he puts everything into this.
• 1:17:16
  Matt: Yes, he goes in with a full-blown swing, and what he hits is the soft tissue of a mannequin.
• 1:17:24
  Eric: Oh fuck yes.
• 1:17:25
  Matt: He hits the mannequin, and then just then, it's only at this moment that he realizes there's a there's a scent in this uh in this cat in this truck.
• 1:17:39
  Matt: What is it?
• 1:17:40
  Matt: And it smells a little like like gas, like gasoline.
• 1:17:46
  Eric: Oh my god.
• 1:17:47
  Matt: And like he and he realizes that the the mannequin was was covered in this in in gas.
• 1:17:56
  Eric: Oh, soaked in oh, where the axe hits the mannequin, it starts bleeding out like gasoline, like it she just stuck the cans inside and it's like glugging out all over the floor.
• 1:18:06
  Matt: Well, I wasn't imagining more that it sprayed back at him.
• 1:18:10
  Matt: Yeah, like a mist hits him in the face, and he's like, What's this?
• 1:18:14
  Matt: And he looks down because now his eyes are adjusting, right?
• 1:18:16
  Matt: Yeah.
• 1:18:17
  Matt: Because we got a full door open.
• 1:18:18
  Matt: It's not pitch black in there.
• 1:18:19
  Matt: Yeah, and it's a good one.
• 1:18:20
  Matt: His eyes have adjusted, and he sees that he stabbed a mannequin.
• 1:18:23
  Matt: He's got gas all over his face and head.
• 1:18:26
  Matt: And he just follows the trail of gasoline that goes all the way to the door, and you see B.
• 1:18:37
  Matt: Arthur standing now just outside the door with a lit match.
• 1:18:43
  Matt: Just outside the door.
• 1:18:45
  Matt: And she says, You know, Bob, I never like the perm either.
• 1:18:49
  Matt: And she just drops the match, it flies up the gas trail and onto his head.
• 1:18:57
  Eric: Yeah.
• 1:18:58
  Eric: Do we so are we thinking dramatic explosion?
• 1:19:01
  Eric: Is this Bob dying?
• 1:19:02
  Eric: Or is this Bob dying?
• 1:19:04
  Eric: I think I I think B I think B, this is the moment B takes it.
• 1:19:07
  Matt: And B, I think, so Bob, his his hair, his fro is on fire.
• 1:19:13
  Matt: Yeah.
• 1:19:14
  Matt: And he comes charging, flailing the the axe, and B just slams that truck door and locks it.
• 1:19:24
  SPEAKER_02: Oh my god.
• 1:19:26
  Matt: And slowly the the the truck goes up in flames.
• 1:19:31
  Eric: While she lights the first cigarette she's had in 20 years.
• 1:19:35
  Matt: While she lights that first cigarette she has in 20 years.
• 1:19:39
  Eric: And she and you like you know she like okay, so like the you hear Bob, you hear Bob on the inside like losing his mind.
• 1:19:46
  Eric: Uh as acting.
• 1:19:50
  Matt: You get like one good chop.
• 1:19:51
  Matt: One good chop.
• 1:19:52
  Matt: And then slowly axe coming through.
• 1:19:54
  Matt: And then and then it just fades and fades until there's nothing.
• 1:19:58
  Eric: And like you see, B, she puts the cigarette between her lips, and as she goes to light it, the truck's in the background, and she just says, uh, she says, thanks for being a friend, Bob.
• 1:20:08
  Eric: And then the truck goes.
• 1:20:09
  Eric: Oh yeah.
• 1:20:12
  Eric: Oh, fuck yes.
• 1:20:14
  Matt: Fuck yes.
• 1:20:15
  Matt: That's how this ends.
• 1:20:19
  Matt: Oh man.
• 1:20:21
  Matt: I I gotta say, I there is some guilt over killing Bob Ross this way.
• 1:20:27
  Matt: I don't think there's a debate here, Eric.
• 1:20:30
  Matt: I I I thought we were gonna debate who wins, but I think what ended up happening is we just kind of painted a picture that I feel is concrete.
• 1:20:37
  Eric: Yeah, I like this.
• 1:20:38
  Eric: This this this pleases me greatly.
• 1:20:40
  Eric: Just the image of B.
• 1:20:42
  Eric: Arthur lighting a cigarette as a truck with Bob Ross in it explodes and she's covered in blood is just top-notch.
• 1:20:48
  Matt: So top notch.
• 1:20:49
  Eric: And that's a fight worth having over Angela Angela Lansbury.
• 1:20:53
  Matt: Yeah.
• 1:20:53
  Matt: Oh, the noblest of causes.
• 1:20:55
  Matt: Yeah.
• 1:20:56
  Matt: For the love of Angela Lansbury.
• 1:20:58
  Eric: The love of Angela Lansbury.
• 1:20:59
  Matt: A fight which we are all in competition for.
• 1:21:03
  Eric: Yep.
• 1:21:04
  Matt: Wow.
• 1:21:05
  Matt: So this you truly did not ask for who would win in a fight between B.
• 1:21:10
  Matt: Arthur and Bob Ross.
• 1:21:12
  Eric: Oh, but we gave it to you, baby.
• 1:21:13
  Matt: But we gave it to you, baby.
• 1:21:15
  Matt: Um, and I I I feel good about it.
• 1:21:18
  Eric: I feel yes, rocks.
• 1:21:19
  Matt: I feel good about it.
• 1:21:20
  Matt: So if you have combatants that you would like to see in an unlikely fight in the future, you can send those suckers along with your questions, of course, to you didn't ask for this at gmail.com or you didn't ask pod at uh on Instagram or Twitter.
• 1:21:37
  Matt: That's the letter you didn't ask pod.
• 1:21:40
  Eric: And and please, I beg of you, send us whoever you want, but very likely to ignore any like Harry Potter's Goku's, yeah.
• 1:21:50
  Eric: I'm like, give me mere mortals.
• 1:21:52
  Matt: I think we've set the tone.
• 1:21:54
  Matt: What we want is a fight that absolutely has never been imagined before.
• 1:22:01
  Eric: Yeah.
• 1:22:02
  Eric: And there are just certain fandoms I'm not trying to have get at me on the internet.
• 1:22:06
  Matt: No, no, no, no.
• 1:22:08
  Matt: Yeah.
• 1:22:08
  Matt: I I agree.
• 1:22:09
  Matt: This is we what I think what we have created is beautiful.
• 1:22:12
  Eric: I think it's wonderful.
• 1:22:13
  Matt: A hypothetical fight to the death between two beloved American icons.
• 1:22:18
  Matt: They don't need to be icons.
• 1:22:20
  Matt: They can they can be terrible people, maybe.
• 1:22:23
  Matt: Who knows?
• 1:22:24
  Eric: Yeah, but I mean Bob Ross and B.
• 1:22:26
  Eric: Arthur are not terrible people, they're wonderful people.
• 1:22:28
  Matt: But you tell us who you want us to kill.
• 1:22:31
  Eric: Yeah.
• 1:22:32
  Matt: And we'll do it.
• 1:22:32
  Eric: Yeah.
• 1:22:33
  Eric: Well, our hands are clean.
• 1:22:34
  Eric: We're not killing anybody.
• 1:22:35
  Eric: They're killing each other.
• 1:22:36
  Matt: We're they're k we're we're simply painting the picture.
• 1:22:39
  Matt: Uh, should we get into some weird news, Eric?
• 1:22:42
  Eric: Yes, Matthew.
• 1:22:43
  Matt: Excellent.
• 1:22:43
  Matt: Um, great, let's do it.
• 1:22:45
  Matt: So my weird news comes to you today from once again from Massachusetts.
• 1:22:52
  Matt: And this one is from uh October 14th of uh this year.
• 1:22:56
  Matt: So relatively um so relatively new, revel relatively recent, although when by the time this comes out, it's a couple weeks in the past.
• 1:23:04
  Matt: Anyway, headline Massachusetts Coastal Town orders locals to stop calling 911 about giant fish.
• 1:23:13
  Matt: The local government of Wareham, perhaps Wareem, I don't know.
• 1:23:18
  Matt: People they have weird pronunciations up there.
• 1:23:21
  Matt: A town in southern Massachusetts is Plymouth County, has asked locals to please stop calling the police about a big blobby fish that has been spotted minding its own business in coastal waters.
• 1:23:37
  Matt: The fish, a whopper of a creature that has attracted dozens of emergency calls since Monday from locals, mistaking it for a shark or a seal, according to the Cape Code Times, is an ocean sunfish.
• 1:23:53
  Matt: Formerly known by the genus name Mola, the ocean sunfish, Mola Mola, can grow to nearly 10 feet in length, weighing in at more than 4,400 pounds.
• 1:24:07
  Matt: Sightings of the monstrously sized swimmer began popping up in Wareham's broad cove, with enough locals calling 911 to eventually warn personnel from the Wareham Department of Natural Resources to take a look.
• 1:24:21
  Matt: Their verdict, as reported on Facebook, quote, the sunfish is doing normal sunfish activities.
• 1:24:27
  Matt: It's swimming, it is not stranded or suffering.
• 1:24:31
  Matt: The sunfish is, and this is all in caps from here on out, fine.
• 1:24:36
  Matt: Please stop calling the police department about this sunfish.
• 1:24:42
  Matt: And there you have it from Wareham or or Wareham.
• 1:24:49
  Matt: From Warham.
• 1:24:51
  Matt: Listen, stop bothering your local officials about the sunfish.
• 1:24:58
  Matt: He's doing normal sunfish activities.
• 1:25:01
  Eric: This the sunfish sounds pretty suspect.
• 1:25:04
  Matt: I don't know if you know what I'm talking about, Eric, but I'm gonna I'm gonna show you Please show me the sunfish.
• 1:25:11
  Eric: Hold on.
• 1:25:12
  Eric: Let me just I immediately regret what I would report that to the police.
• 1:25:17
  Matt: Right?
• 1:25:18
  Matt: Eric, can you describe the sunfish for our listeners?
• 1:25:21
  Eric: Oh god, it's like someone it's like someone started making a beluga whale, but then they forgot one of the eyes, both of the nostrils, the mouth.
• 1:25:37
  Eric: And seemingly the mouth.
• 1:25:38
  Eric: And seemingly the mouth.
• 1:25:40
  Matt: I hate if it looks like a it looks like a plastic grocery store bag that's filled with water and has an eye.
• 1:25:49
  Eric: Yeah.
• 1:25:50
  Eric: It's I hate it.
• 1:25:52
  Eric: I want it to be arrested.
• 1:25:53
  Matt: Yes, I I'm very much having a peasant in a Disney animated film reaction of kill it.
• 1:26:02
  Eric: Burn it.
• 1:26:03
  Eric: And it's like its eye is looking at me, its singular eye is looking at me accusingly.
• 1:26:10
  Eric: It's accusing me, Matthew.
• 1:26:13
  Eric: I hate it, and it weighs more than 40.
• 1:26:17
  Eric: Jesus Christ, it gets to be 10 feet long, 4,400 pounds.
• 1:26:23
  Matt: Yeah, weren't you listening to my story?
• 1:26:25
  Eric: I didn't, I couldn't, but I didn't know it looked like that.
• 1:26:29
  Eric: I don't like, you know, a blue whale gets really big and heavy, but I don't mind.
• 1:26:35
  Eric: I mind that.
• 1:26:37
  Matt: I'm gonna make sure this image uh ends up on our Instagram when this episode comes out, so you too can weigh in on the sunfish.
• 1:26:46
  Eric: They're not just gonna stop following our podcast, they're gonna uninstall their phone.
• 1:26:51
  Matt: They're just gonna throw the phone out there moving car.
• 1:26:55
  Eric: Yes.
• 1:26:57
  Matt: Don't do that.
• 1:26:57
  Matt: We're not advocating that you should do that.
• 1:26:59
  Matt: Uh okay, Eric, that's it from my sunfish-related story.
• 1:27:02
  Matt: What do you have for me?
• 1:27:04
  Eric: So, what I have, Matthew, returning once again from beautiful Canistoda, South Dakota.
• 1:27:10
  Matt: Welcome back.
• 1:27:11
  Eric: The second grade news from the tail light of the Canistoda Clipper.
• 1:27:17
  Matt: If it ain't broke, why fix it?
• 1:27:19
  Matt: I know.
• 1:27:20
  Eric: Oh, I'm gonna ride this horse into the fucking ground.
• 1:27:23
  Eric: Let's do it.
• 1:27:24
  Eric: So this is from Thursday, April 29th, 1965.
• 1:27:28
  Eric: Uh, I got two bets for you here.
• 1:27:29
  Eric: First, as always, is second grade news.
• 1:27:35
  SPEAKER_03: Martin Lindbloom brought us a big branch of pussy willows on April 5th.
• 1:27:41
  SPEAKER_03: We put them in a pail of water.
• 1:27:44
  SPEAKER_03: We are wondering if they will open to catkins.
• 1:27:48
  SPEAKER_03: We've learned the colors of the rainbow by drawing a picture.
• 1:27:52
  SPEAKER_03: Some of our rainbows got too wide, but the colors are so pretty.
• 1:27:59
  SPEAKER_03: We had our Easter baskets on Thursday, April 15th.
• 1:28:04
  SPEAKER_03: Joyce Tyson had her birthday party on April 14th at her home.
• 1:28:10
  SPEAKER_03: All of the girls in our class were invited.
• 1:28:15
  Eric: And actually ends on L.
• 1:28:22
  Eric: Oh man.
• 1:28:23
  Eric: And who who is this?
• 1:28:24
  Eric: Who said this?
• 1:28:25
  Eric: This was this this is the second grade class.
• 1:28:28
  Eric: I don't it doesn't actually say which of the students wrote this.
• 1:28:32
  Eric: I don't even know if the students wrote it, but I do like to imagine like a like a pale, hollow-eyed second grader just like typing away chain smoking in the corner.
• 1:28:43
  Eric: It's 1965.
• 1:28:44
  Eric: Kids.
• 1:28:44
  Matt: Oh yes, 100%.
• 1:28:46
  Eric: In a little more lightheartedness, we've got Matt, and this is from Canistoda High School.
• 1:28:52
  Eric: Okay.
• 1:28:53
  Eric: Did you know there's a got there's a gossip section of this newspaper that's just titled Did You Know?
• 1:28:59
  Eric: I'm just gonna present it without comment.
• 1:29:01
  SPEAKER_00: Please do.
• 1:29:02
  Eric: Did you know that Jeff H is trying to get rid of Mr.
• 1:29:06
  Eric: Kranz?
• 1:29:07
  Eric: Did you know a few sophomore girls have found a new study hall hobby?
• 1:29:11
  Eric: No.
• 1:29:12
  Eric: Did you know Curtis W.
• 1:29:13
  Eric: enjoys his trips to Alex, but something always happens on the way home?
• 1:29:18
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my god.
• 1:29:18
  Eric: Did you know that Jerry S and Alan T are finally coming back to civilization?
• 1:29:23
  Eric: What?
• 1:29:23
  Eric: What?
• 1:29:24
  Eric: Did you know Nigel has a girlfriend?
• 1:29:27
  Matt: What Okay, that that's you know, that's salacious gossip.
• 1:29:32
  Matt: Let's let's go back to Jason T or whoever.
• 1:29:35
  Eric: Yeah, yeah.
• 1:29:35
  Eric: Where are they?
• 1:29:37
  Eric: I don't know.
• 1:29:38
  Eric: All of these are presented with zero context or clarification.
• 1:29:42
  Eric: Like it's just they're throwing it out into the fucking ether and seeing what sticks.
• 1:29:47
  Matt: Yeah, why are they seemingly coming back from a safari?
• 1:29:51
  Matt: Are are you ready for are you ready for this shit?
• 1:29:54
  Eric: This is where this is where it starts getting wild.
• 1:29:56
  Eric: Okay.
• 1:29:56
  Eric: Starts.
• 1:29:57
  Eric: Did you know Marion is becoming more popular with some help from Diane K and Sheila R?
• 1:30:04
  Eric: Did you know, Matthew, that Nancy K has eighth grade air quotes interests?
• 1:30:12
  Eric: What the fuck does that mean?
• 1:30:15
  Eric: Did you know Linda K is aging?
• 1:30:18
  Eric: What?
• 1:30:18
  Eric: Did you know Kathy H had fun after last week's roller skating party?
• 1:30:23
  Eric: Yeah, I I just I wanna know who whoever wrote this, I want to know who they grew up to be.
• 1:30:29
  Matt: Who do we think?
• 1:30:30
  Matt: No one good.
• 1:30:31
  Matt: No one good.
• 1:30:32
  Matt: Oh, no one good.
• 1:30:34
  Matt: Like, you know who this is?
• 1:30:35
  Matt: This is uh is this like Kellyanne Conway?
• 1:30:38
  Eric: Yes.
• 1:30:39
  Eric: Yes, yes.
• 1:30:42
  Eric: This is 100% uh bless the Canistoda Clipper.
• 1:30:46
  Matt: Yeah, bless, bless the our correspondent Kellyanne Conway from the Canistoga South Dakota.
• 1:30:56
  Matt: Uh wow, you really have found a gold mine.
• 1:31:00
  Eric: Yeah, well you can according to the the Clipper, you can subscribe to the Canistoda Clipper for$3.50 per year.
• 1:31:07
  Eric: Per year?
• 1:31:08
  Eric: Per year.
• 1:31:09
  Eric: That's that's a deal.
• 1:31:11
  Eric: That's that's goddamn steal.
• 1:31:12
  Matt: That's a downright steal.
• 1:31:15
  Matt: Alright, well, now that we're regressing into talking about politicians that hopefully are obsolete by the time this podcast comes out.
• 1:31:25
  Matt: Again, sorry we don't know the right tone.
• 1:31:30
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
• 1:31:31
  Matt: I'm just gonna hope for the for the hopeful outcome.
• 1:31:36
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 1:31:36
  Matt: And we'll see you all on the other side.
• 1:31:40
  Matt: In the meantime, though, we need you, we really do, we need you to send us your questions that nobody cares about except for me and Eric.
• 1:31:51
  Matt: Yes, please.
• 1:31:52
  Matt: Send them to you didn't ask for this at gmail.com or go to you didn't ask pod on both Instagram and Twitter.
• 1:32:00
  Matt: Again, that handle is the letter you didn't ask pod uh on Instagram and Twitter.
• 1:32:06
  Matt: Just send us a comment, send us a DM, whatever you want.
• 1:32:10
  Matt: And we want questions.
• 1:32:11
  Matt: We want to know those.
• 1:32:12
  Matt: They can be seasonal, they can be uh they can be universal subjects, whatever.
• 1:32:18
  Matt: Whatever is floating through your brain.
• 1:32:20
  Eric: And and and don't do it for me, don't do it for Matt.
• 1:32:24
  Eric: Don't even do it for yourself.
• 1:32:26
  Eric: Do it for be motherfucking Arthur.
• 1:32:29
  Matt: Do it for be Arthur and the extra late Bob Ross.
• 1:32:35
  Eric: Extra the double late Bob Ross.
• 1:32:37
  Matt: Double late Bob Ross.
• 1:32:39
  Eric: The man so nice we killed him twice.
• 1:32:41
  Matt: Also send your unlikely fight combatants, and even if you don't have a full matchup, even if No, just send us a name.
• 1:32:47
  Matt: Just one name, we'll find them a partner at this dance.
• 1:32:50
  Eric: I'll Google.
• 1:32:51
  Matt: We'll find a partner for them.
• 1:32:53
  Matt: But uh again, on behalf of the staff.
• 1:32:56
  Eric: We just wanted to say, on behalf of me and Matthew, on behalf of the Anchorage, Alaska Angela Lansberry Foundation, this has been You Didn't Ask for This.
• 1:33:08
  Matt: I'm Matt Shane.
• 1:33:09
  Eric: I'm Eric Poach.
• 1:33:10
  Matt: You didn't ask.
• 1:33:11
  Matt: But now you know.
• 1:33:12
  Matt: Is that what we're going with these days?
• 1:33:14
  Eric: I, you know.
• 1:33:16
  Eric: What if we did a different one each episode?
• 1:33:18
  Matt: Send us your taglines.
• 1:33:20
  Matt: Please.
• 1:33:21
  Matt: We'll change it up each time.
• 1:33:23
  Matt: Uh let's make one up on the spot.
• 1:33:25
  Matt: Um uh you didn't ask.
• 1:33:29
  Matt: But fuck you.
• 1:33:34
  Matt: We'll see you in two weeks.
• 1:33:36
  Matt: Bye-bye.
• 1:33:37
  Matt: Oh man.
• 1:33:38
  Matt: And can you Do you think sunfish go to Alaska?
• 1:33:42
  Eric: I I think sunfish come for L and probably go to Alaska to feast.
• 1:33:47
  Eric: I think they're the 30 days of night of fish.