Latest / Adventures in Adversity: an inspirational podcast / Ep. 85: Finding freedom after narcissistic abuse w/Regina Hiremath, author of "Lessons on the Way to Onesome"

Transcript

Ep. 85: Finding freedom after narcissistic abuse w/Regina Hiremath, author of "Lessons on the Way to Onesome" · Adventures in Adversity: an inspirational podcast

• 0:00
  Hello, episode 85. So grateful to be here again.
• 0:05
  I get very, very grateful and reflective and excited during
• 0:09
  every podcast intro because I remember how how excited I was
• 0:13
  two years ago to even have guests.
• 0:15
  And today my excitement is no less than usual because we have
• 0:21
  an amazing woman here who I'm going to introduce in just a
• 0:25
  second and she's going to share her story of getting through
• 0:28
  life's adversity. And my favorite part is she is
• 0:31
  taking that adversity, not only turning it into an adventure,
• 0:34
  but helping other people who have gone through lots of
• 0:38
  adversity kind of get through, specifically going through
• 0:42
  divorce, going through life changes.
• 0:44
  So with that, before I bring on my wonderful guest, if it's your
• 0:48
  first time here, this podcast is really a collection of stories
• 0:53
  from real people who basically just talk about how they've
• 0:57
  gotten through life's challenges.
• 0:59
  We all have them both big and small, and so I'm truly honored
• 1:03
  when someone wants to come and sit down and share a piece of
• 1:07
  their life with us. So with that, I'm going to do a
• 1:09
  little intro and then I'm going to be quiet because we all know
• 1:14
  I like to talk here. All right, so we have Regina
• 1:19
  Hiermath is the founder of Alimonia Life.
• 1:24
  Having survived child child abuse, she found herself in an
• 1:27
  emotionally abusive marriage for 20 plus years.
• 1:31
  It wasn't easy but she made the decision to file for divorce
• 1:35
  looking at her website here which will be in the show notes.
• 1:38
  During that time, she did a lot of introspection, a lot of
• 1:41
  healing, journaling, therapy, working out, self-care.
• 1:45
  And then she realized, and I'm going to let her tell the story,
• 1:50
  that this recovery, this journey back to herself is actually
• 1:54
  something that she could help other people with.
• 1:56
  So Regina, this is my cue to introduce you and thank you
• 2:01
  again for taking the time to sit down with me.
• 2:03
  Thank you so much man for having me on your podcast.
• 2:06
  Yeah, no, thank you. I'm delighted anytime a woman
• 2:11
  like you gosh, I just love. I love seeing all the different
• 2:15
  ways my guests have taken their adversity and not only just
• 2:19
  found a way through it and told their story, but actually
• 2:22
  created something like it's become a vehicle for helping
• 2:25
  others go through that same thing.
• 2:27
  So Regina, take me through life. I know as as our audience can
• 2:31
  hear and see, you've got lots of things going right now.
• 2:35
  Take me back to where your story really began.
• 2:39
  And and where adversity began. OK, so adversity began before I
• 2:44
  knew it began. My parents weren't capable of
• 2:47
  raising me and my maternal grandmother was aware of that,
• 2:52
  so she took me in and she was my parent, my teacher of love, and
• 2:58
  my guidance. We relocated out of state and
• 3:01
  built a new home and I started kindergarten there.
• 3:04
  And then when I was in first grade, she passed away from
• 3:07
  cancer. So the family came together and
• 3:09
  decided that was time for my mom to step up and I moved back to
• 3:13
  live with her for 2nd grade. And during that one school year
• 3:18
  I suffered abuse in every way at the hands of my mother and the
• 3:22
  people that were in her life. She lost custody of me when I
• 3:25
  was injured and I had to be placed with my great aunt who's
• 3:30
  my grandmother's sister. So I relocated back out of state
• 3:34
  to live in the home that my grandmother and I had built and
• 3:37
  discovered that my aunt was alcoholic and verbally
• 3:40
  physically abusive. So I survived 10 years of that
• 3:45
  and eventually ran away, ended up back with my mom, who still
• 3:51
  had some challenges. So I came into early adulthood
• 3:54
  pretty scarred, insecure, frightened, not lacking
• 3:59
  self-confidence and just open to so many, so many opportunities
• 4:04
  for people to take advantage of me.
• 4:05
  Yeah. I'm so sorry that that happened
• 4:08
  to you and thank you for sharing.
• 4:11
  I know you've been on shows and you, you have a book and we're
• 4:14
  going to talk about and, but I, I truly want to thank you again.
• 4:18
  Anytime somebody opens up about that, I don't take that lightly
• 4:23
  because I appreciate you sharing that.
• 4:25
  I know there's a lot of listeners who may have gone
• 4:28
  through that that may or may not have shared it and you're just
• 4:31
  making people feel seen and thank you for sharing that.
• 4:35
  Gosh, and what a you are a strong woman to go through that
• 4:39
  and be where you are. So kudos to you.
• 4:41
  And I haven't even heard the story, but I'm just, I'm already
• 4:43
  sort of like as a mother, I'm in awe of like your, your ability
• 4:47
  to go through that. Thank you.
• 4:49
  Yeah. Thank you.
• 4:51
  So during that time, if you don't mind me asking, do you
• 4:54
  recall ways that you were able to cope in the moment?
• 5:00
  Were you able, was that, was that or was that just sort of
• 5:02
  like a freeze? I mean, you just, that's
• 5:03
  something you just try to get through.
• 5:05
  I can remember using music and singing and dancing and just,
• 5:13
  you know, doing the best I could to get from one day to the next.
• 5:18
  Yeah. In the book I write about during
• 5:23
  my childhood, of course there was the adversity, but there
• 5:26
  were people who were placed on my path, who gave me, who
• 5:30
  brought me rays of hope, who gave me encouragement.
• 5:36
  And I was able to look back on that during my writing process
• 5:41
  and really see how there were like these helping hands all
• 5:46
  along the way that I am eternally grateful for.
• 5:49
  However tiny that ray of light might have been during that very
• 5:53
  dark time for many years that you went through, like God bless
• 5:57
  those people, right? And you know them and will never
• 5:59
  forget them. And I'm sure they're still, if
• 6:01
  they're still around, they're probably still helping whoever
• 6:04
  comes in their path, right? Because it's probably just who
• 6:06
  they are. That is true.
• 6:08
  I believe that to be true. Yeah, and they, they saw that
• 6:12
  light in you, you know, and clearly it's still there.
• 6:15
  I'm so glad. I'm so glad that that happened.
• 6:17
  As far as like the people helping you.
• 6:19
  Yeah. So.
• 6:20
  And can you do you mind holding up your book?
• 6:22
  I'd like to, I'd like to. It's linked down below.
• 6:26
  And tell me about it. Tell me the title.
• 6:28
  I I think you published it in the fall, right.
• 6:30
  Was it? Was it yet last year?
• 6:33
  October 24. 24 October. 24 It's lessons on the way to want some,
• 6:39
  and during the time that I was writing the book, I was
• 6:42
  challenged to define one's son. And it's the journey back to
• 6:48
  oneself, a destination that one arrives at once one has been
• 6:53
  freed from the confines of life and has made the necessary
• 6:57
  transformations. 1 Some is not a feeling of loneliness, but
• 7:01
  rather a feeling of being home within oneself.
• 7:05
  That's beautiful. Thank you.
• 7:07
  It's it's. So tell me about that writing
• 7:09
  process. When did you, when were you able
• 7:12
  to start processing all of this? And again, I know the story.
• 7:15
  You're I'll just kind of let you talk through the story.
• 7:18
  So never really been a writer until I was going through the
• 7:22
  divorce process. I started to journal a lot.
• 7:27
  And one day I let a friend read my journal writings and she
• 7:30
  encouraged me to write a book. And at that time, I didn't feel
• 7:32
  that a book was, you know, for that moment, but I started to
• 7:37
  think about what I wanted to do with those writings.
• 7:40
  And very quickly I decided to start a divorce blog, which is
• 7:45
  alimonia life play on alimony. So me and my.
• 7:50
  I love it. I love a good fun my.
• 7:52
  Creative mind. So was doing that, and then
• 7:58
  overcame A lifelong fear of public speaking.
• 8:02
  Because of my past, I'm realizing that in order to grow
• 8:05
  my audience and to be more effective at helping people, I
• 8:09
  needed to start speaking. And shortly after making that
• 8:13
  declaration with one of my best friends, I was asked to speak at
• 8:17
  an abuse symposium. So the week of the I had five
• 8:21
  months to prepare. And that was quite a challenge
• 8:24
  because when I was in high school, I took AD on a project
• 8:28
  because I didn't want to get up in front of the class to speak.
• 8:31
  I just was not comfortable doing that.
• 8:33
  I remember just being fine, you know, taking the D, but it's.
• 8:39
  Like the number one fear public speaking.
• 8:41
  Yeah, people don't. Like it?
• 8:43
  Yeah. So I, I worked really hard and
• 8:48
  I, I focused hard on the mission I got that week.
• 8:56
  And of course I was like, I was so nervous.
• 9:00
  We had our last meeting and I was informed that I would be the
• 9:04
  first speaker and I started to panic.
• 9:07
  But then I realized if I go first, I get it over with and
• 9:10
  then I can eat my lunch. Absolutely.
• 9:12
  Right. Right.
• 9:14
  So I got up there and I felt a sense of peace and purpose.
• 9:22
  And there's something when purpose, passion and preparation
• 9:26
  align. It is an amazing feeling that's
• 9:31
  it's just indescribable. But a friend of mine asked me,
• 9:34
  she said, how did you get up there and land that you're not
• 9:37
  really a speaker? And I started to think back with
• 9:43
  Alimonia Life, I created a private community on a secure
• 9:47
  network. And there's the blog posts.
• 9:50
  I also have morning motivations videos, Ted talks, so weekly I
• 9:55
  watched probably 5 Ted talks in order to find one that was
• 10:00
  suitable for the community. During that probably year, year
• 10:04
  and a half, I was training to speak without being aware of it.
• 10:09
  Oh, right, that's a great point. Yeah, warming at all.
• 10:14
  I was taking it all in without even.
• 10:17
  It wasn't like I'm going to learn how to speak, so I'm going
• 10:19
  to watch this. I was doing it for the purpose
• 10:22
  of helping the community and all the while I was in proving my
• 10:28
  stage presence. Amazing.
• 10:31
  Amazing when I thought back on that.
• 10:33
  You're like, wait a bit, I've been preparing for this for
• 10:35
  years and I didn't even know it. Didn't even know it.
• 10:38
  Didn't even know it. So that day I was I was asked to
• 10:43
  speak at a women's Wellness conference two months later and
• 10:46
  that was the begin my speaking journey.
• 10:49
  But after that second event, I took the rest of the year off.
• 10:52
  It was like summer of 23 because I wanted to focus on it was time
• 10:58
  for writing the book. I sensed that the timing was
• 11:02
  right and other people who were reading my blog post came to me
• 11:08
  and said, I, I think it's time for you to write a book.
• 11:11
  And I said, that's so funny because I've been, I've been
• 11:14
  sensing that, I've been feeling that.
• 11:15
  And so one day I just picked up my laptop and I just started,
• 11:20
  love it. I started and I didn't know what
• 11:24
  I was doing. It's easy to write a blog post,
• 11:27
  but a book had no idea. So I started.
• 11:30
  I wrote a bunch of stuff. Then I deleted it all because I
• 11:33
  felt like I was writing from a very shallow perspective.
• 11:38
  And I was also writing from the time period of filing for
• 11:43
  divorce, and that was not going to be helpful.
• 11:46
  I needed to write from present, the present moment.
• 11:50
  So I started again and I went a little bit deeper.
• 11:56
  At about 6 months into the year process that it took me, I saw a
• 12:02
  women's Wellness event and they were looking for vendors.
• 12:06
  And so I often go to these events with my blog merchandise
• 12:10
  for the purpose of selling little something, but really
• 12:14
  making connections and meeting people and hearing other
• 12:17
  speakers. Yeah.
• 12:18
  And when I went to that event, one of the speakers, she was so
• 12:23
  captivating. I absolutely loved her speech.
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  And she had a vendor's table and she came over to my table.
• 12:31
  She complimented my merchandise and logo and everything.
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  And then I went to her table and she gave me her card.
• 12:39
  I felt a really strong connection to her.
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  So when I came home a few days later, I was digging through my
• 12:47
  purse looking for her card. I laid in on my island and every
• 12:51
  time I pass it, I said I've got to take a moment to connect with
• 12:56
  this person. I'm I'm sensing that I'm
• 12:59
  supposed to connect with her. Well, I ended up that week I
• 13:02
  reached out to her only to discover that she had a
• 13:06
  consultancy and wanted to set up a meeting with me.
• 13:10
  We set up this meeting. I tell her my I tell her about
• 13:14
  the book and she's like, I don't take everything that comes my
• 13:19
  way, but I want to take this project on.
• 13:22
  So she came on as my consultant. She challenged me, She really
• 13:27
  did, because I needed to go even deeper.
• 13:30
  And I, I kind of needed someone to, to push me and hold my hand
• 13:40
  a little bit at the same time, because this was very, very deep
• 13:45
  work. And I, I say that the book was
• 13:49
  the final piece to my healing and recovery.
• 13:54
  And so I pulled up every single layer of my life, held it up,
• 14:03
  examined how my whole life was like a spider's web, how
• 14:08
  everything was interconnected, everything that happened to me,
• 14:12
  every choice I made. And that let me know that I had
• 14:16
  the power to change the trajectory of my life.
• 14:20
  And it was just an incredible, it was an incredible journey.
• 14:25
  But I do recall one, as I was writing about these really,
• 14:30
  really painful incidences in my childhood and my marriage to a
• 14:36
  narcissist, there was a point where I felt so sad and lonely.
• 14:42
  I really, really felt like I was in this really small dark place.
• 14:47
  And I and I, there was a narrow passageway, a small dark
• 14:53
  passageway that I needed to get through to complete this
• 14:57
  process. And what that taught me and
• 15:00
  showed me was that this, this work, this process, this journey
• 15:08
  was mine alone. And that it was going to be
• 15:11
  dark, but there was just enough space for me to get through it
• 15:15
  because it is my task, my journey, my process, my recovery
• 15:21
  and my healing on the other side.
• 15:24
  And so I remember reaching out to my consulted and she was out
• 15:28
  of town. She was in another time zone,
• 15:31
  and she was on vacation. And she said, OK, give me a few
• 15:34
  minutes, I'm going to call you. And she talked to me through
• 15:37
  that that moment, I was crying and I was really frustrated.
• 15:43
  And I, like I said, I felt sad and lonely.
• 15:46
  But I also realized that this was part of the process because
• 15:51
  I needed to know that I could stand on my own with a little
• 15:55
  support, but I could get through this like I had done everything
• 16:00
  else in my life. I could master this and it would
• 16:04
  become a huge source of strength for not only me, but for other
• 16:13
  people. That was so beautifully said.
• 16:15
  And as you were saying it, I was thinking how much I can relate
• 16:19
  to everything you're saying because correct me if I'm wrong.
• 16:23
  When you talked about that little narrow way and you have
• 16:26
  someone kind of guiding you through it, it's almost like the
• 16:29
  first thing that comes to mind for me is like, you have to look
• 16:33
  at the dark stuff and you have to look at those times that you
• 16:36
  want to block out. And I'm sure some of it, but not
• 16:38
  all, some of it is maybe blocked out subconsciously.
• 16:41
  But like especially you just have to look at memories and be
• 16:44
  like, OK, what happened there? And then you start to, and it's
• 16:47
  really hard. But I think I've realized you're
• 16:49
  talking to my guests and through my own healing journey.
• 16:52
  If you don't look at it, it's going to affect you either way.
• 16:57
  If you look at it with help, right, you at least then can
• 17:01
  start because you will get through it.
• 17:03
  It feels like you won't, but yeah, but you will.
• 17:07
  Yeah, it's part of the process. And it was.
• 17:10
  It was very necessary, because the more I wrote, the deeper I
• 17:15
  went, the more stuff began to resurface.
• 17:18
  And then I had to then I had to say, OK, you're willing to talk
• 17:23
  about this and you're taking it apart and you're writing about
• 17:26
  it. Now here comes something else.
• 17:28
  Are you going to take that, fold it up, look at it, examine it as
• 17:31
  well? And are you going to share that?
• 17:34
  Is that necessary for the book or is it unnecessary?
• 17:39
  So there was, there was a lot of pieces that I had to go through
• 17:46
  and the very the most important parts are what I put in the
• 17:51
  book, what I felt would help other people as well.
• 17:55
  Yeah, yeah. Well, and for anyone listening
• 17:58
  that maybe if you've, if you've gone to therapy and you've kind
• 18:02
  of like maybe you're on your healing journey, you might be
• 18:04
  nodding, going, Oh yeah, I know exactly what they're talking
• 18:06
  about. For anyone listening, that might
• 18:09
  be like, I have some stuff trauma.
• 18:11
  I have, you know, everybody might have something or I
• 18:14
  definitely had some if there's a history of abuse.
• 18:16
  Or maybe you haven't, maybe you think, but you don't you're
• 18:19
  ready to kind of look at that stuff like do you think, like
• 18:25
  what? What advice do you have to the
• 18:27
  people who are like, OK, I, I want to do what you're saying
• 18:30
  and I want to start, but it sounds a little bit scary, this
• 18:34
  narrow path stuff. What what do you say to people
• 18:37
  who are maybe like, I don't know if I can handle that in therapy?
• 18:40
  I don't know. I mean, I mean, I have, I don't
• 18:42
  know. I don't know about that.
• 18:43
  I'm thinking about it though. Well, you have a choice.
• 18:45
  You can release it and let it go and become light, or you can
• 18:49
  keep dragging it like a snowball and letting it get bigger and
• 18:53
  bigger and bigger. That's that's the choice you
• 18:56
  have. Tackle it head on with
• 18:59
  professional help, someone who can walk you through it and be a
• 19:03
  guide and help you to release it so you can become free.
• 19:07
  Or you can continue to carry it and allow it to weigh you down.
• 19:11
  Because when we're wounded, we wound everyone and everything we
• 19:15
  touch. Yes.
• 19:17
  So it's a choice, choice. It's a choice.
• 19:19
  And, and, and here's the amazing thing, everything that you have
• 19:24
  endured, everything, every victory you've won, everything
• 19:28
  you've survived, everything you've come through or
• 19:30
  conquered, there is a strength that lies within you that you
• 19:34
  used to do that. So if you want to continue on to
• 19:38
  your healing, you want to move on to another place in your
• 19:43
  life, that very same strength you've been using this entire
• 19:47
  time still resides within you. You've just got to access it and
• 19:52
  utilize it. It's just that simple.
• 19:57
  Sounds complicated, but when you break it down to just the very
• 20:01
  basics, yeah, your strength lies within you.
• 20:05
  You need to tap into it, access it, utilize it.
• 20:09
  Yes. And grow.
• 20:11
  Yes, and a trained therapist knows exactly how to help you.
• 20:15
  Like you don't have to do that alone.
• 20:17
  No, they don't. They give you the tools that so
• 20:21
  that you can at some point like self regulate and be in those
• 20:24
  moments. But it takes time.
• 20:25
  One thing, one thing there. Are many different modalities
• 20:29
  for for healing. There are so, Oh my God, so many
• 20:33
  like since I started this process, I keep hearing about
• 20:36
  this thing and that thing and you know, all of these different
• 20:41
  techniques. And so you're not just stuck
• 20:44
  with going to a therapist. There are many different
• 20:50
  pathways for you to find healing.
• 20:52
  You just need to go and do some. You need to go do something.
• 20:57
  Oh yeah, something, something, yes, start to start to look at
• 21:02
  it, right. Start to look at it and.
• 21:04
  Take a step on your Jenny. Yeah, one thing you said I
• 21:07
  loved, I was looking on your website, which is linked down
• 21:11
  below if anyone else is curious. You said in one of your videos,
• 21:14
  it was a snippet and you said if you're wounded, which we all are
• 21:18
  to different degrees in different ways and maybe 1
• 21:20
  experience for somebody, they have a different reaction.
• 21:23
  It's not as traumatic. Trauma is subjective, right?
• 21:26
  Like it's what you go, but we've we all have something.
• 21:29
  And in a lot of cases with abuse, that's it's more than
• 21:32
  something, it's very detrimental, right?
• 21:35
  You said if you're wounded and you're in those aren't healed or
• 21:38
  you're not trying to heal them or at least put trying to, you
• 21:41
  know, address them, that you actually live from those wounds.
• 21:45
  Like you experience life through the wound you.
• 21:47
  And I was like, my gosh, the way you said it was like you almost
• 21:50
  most experience it, life through the wound.
• 21:52
  Yes, because everything you see, you see through those wounds,
• 21:56
  and then every mask or shield of protection that you build around
• 22:01
  those wounds become portals for more trauma.
• 22:05
  Wow, that's it. It just replicates it.
• 22:08
  It's. Compound, yeah.
• 22:10
  Yeah, whereas what I and then the next thing you said blew my
• 22:12
  mind. You were like you said something
• 22:15
  about in that clip, you said the cure for that or the way that
• 22:18
  you authenticity. So tell me what you said about
• 22:22
  the relationship between healing your wounds and and
• 22:25
  authenticity. There was something there.
• 22:27
  I was like, that is way better so I'm not even going to try,
• 22:30
  but you said something there and I'm like, what?
• 22:32
  Wait, what? I was like, yeah, I know the way
• 22:35
  you said it blew my mind. But anyway, go ahead.
• 22:38
  Well, I know that. I know that so often when we
• 22:45
  are, when we are stuck in our own trauma, in our wounds, we
• 22:51
  deceive ourselves and we continue to deceive ourselves
• 22:56
  and we build this whole facade that you know, isn't, isn't,
• 23:05
  isn't helpful to us. And the only way that you're
• 23:08
  going to heal and move on is to tear that facade down and be
• 23:13
  real and authentic with yourself.
• 23:15
  Because you can't be authentic with anyone else if you're not
• 23:19
  being authentic with yourself. And like I was saying, you're,
• 23:23
  you're, you're setting yourself up for more deception.
• 23:27
  At this phase of my life, I'm not equipped for any more
• 23:30
  deception or any more trauma, and certainly not
• 23:33
  self-inflicted. So good, so true.
• 23:36
  Gosh, it's almost would would you would it be safe to say that
• 23:41
  if you find yourself kind of and I used to do this a couple years
• 23:44
  ago, kind of like being on a little bit like or like I would
• 23:47
  like turn myself down in a room or make sure I like I don't want
• 23:51
  to be too this or I was not being 100% authentic.
• 23:55
  Yeah, I had. Stuff to deal with and now I am
• 23:59
  not like that because I've looked at it for a couple years
• 24:02
  now. Right, because you tore down the
• 24:04
  facade. Down you walk.
• 24:06
  Into a room, your true authentic self and people, they either
• 24:10
  take you or leave. And some of them are like what's
• 24:13
  you're a lot? And I'm like, Yep, like and I
• 24:15
  love you. Be you like you can be a little.
• 24:17
  I can be a lot like we can all be whatever, doesn't matter.
• 24:20
  Like I got to be right with it. I got to be OK with this, you
• 24:23
  know, right. It's just you would if someone
• 24:26
  out there struggling and you're like feeling like it's like
• 24:30
  almost like trying to be yourself will at least start to
• 24:32
  like like who are like who are you?
• 24:35
  Try to. There's so much more to say to
• 24:36
  that, but I just love how you compared, you equated the
• 24:41
  authenticity with actually being a part of your healing.
• 24:44
  The more real you are, the faster you're going to get to
• 24:47
  that healing. Like that path's going to
• 24:48
  appear, right? You can't be fake and healing.
• 24:51
  'Cause you're stripping away all of the deception.
• 24:54
  Exactly. Pretend you're OK if you're not,
• 24:57
  if you're not OK, if you're having panic attacks, if you're
• 24:59
  feeling a knot in your chest like your body's trying to tell
• 25:03
  you something. Yes, right, I.
• 25:05
  Had lots of warning signs and upset stomach.
• 25:09
  I was changing my diet because I thought it was something that
• 25:13
  I'd eaten with little little change to how I felt panicky and
• 25:19
  I had boils and just very unhealthy and feeling so much.
• 25:23
  Or I look back at pictures of myself from 15 to 20 years ago
• 25:28
  and I look exhausted. I look sad and, and in the book
• 25:34
  I write about how I would get up every morning and get ready for
• 25:39
  work and look in the mirror and I couldn't see my sadness.
• 25:44
  I'd see pictures of myself. I couldn't see my sadness.
• 25:47
  It had just become a part of my makeup, a part of who I was.
• 25:53
  And I look at pictures of myself now compared to just 10 years
• 25:58
  ago, and I look so much happier and healthier and younger.
• 26:05
  It's like the light when when someone is not taking your light
• 26:08
  and when you are like loving yourself, it's so you just like
• 26:13
  your face changes like everything.
• 26:15
  I, I have the same thing. I look back, I'm like, gosh, I
• 26:17
  was like. I.
• 26:20
  Was like and now I'm like, you know, I'm just, it's just
• 26:23
  different. It's like literally like now I'm
• 26:24
  like literally like calm down. I'm like, no, I'm not going to
• 26:28
  calm down. I'm happy.
• 26:29
  Like no, you have no idea. You gosh, you have what the, the
• 26:35
  amazing part is, is I know how your story leads.
• 26:39
  It leads to this beautiful like book and like this beautiful
• 26:43
  community you've built helping women and helping people go
• 26:46
  through divorce, right? Take me and I want to get more
• 26:50
  into that. You mention a lot of we have a
• 26:53
  lot of listeners and followers who have been through or who are
• 26:58
  going through narcissistic abuse recovery.
• 27:01
  So you had mentioned that you had experience abuse as a child
• 27:05
  and then it sounds like you unfortunately were in a marriage
• 27:08
  that wasn't healthy, correct? Can you take me through a little
• 27:12
  bit of that? And I know again, the full
• 27:14
  stories in the book or whatever you had shared about it will be
• 27:18
  in the book. Right.
• 27:20
  Anything you'd like to share about about?
• 27:22
  Yeah, I like to talk about the first incident.
• 27:27
  We had been we've been dating for over a years for some part
• 27:34
  of that. We were for most of the
• 27:36
  beginning, we were a long distance relationship.
• 27:40
  OK. And I, I went to visit him and
• 27:44
  we went shopping and I was in a, I was in the tennis shop and I
• 27:52
  was looking at some ice skirts and tops and things.
• 27:57
  And he came over and he said we have to go.
• 28:00
  And so I said, OK. And then I just, you know, going
• 28:04
  around the rack looking at stuff.
• 28:06
  And then all of a sudden he just started to yell and curse and I
• 28:09
  froze because I just didn't understand why it went from we
• 28:15
  have to go. And then like if it was a minute
• 28:18
  later, he's like cursing and yelling.
• 28:21
  And so we left the store and he was still just like going off
• 28:27
  and I didn't understand it. And I spent the rest of the day
• 28:32
  kind of traumatized, but not to the point where I was willing to
• 28:38
  walk away because even though this was abuse, it was a
• 28:42
  slightly different type of abuse than I was used to.
• 28:46
  And because I was accustomed to being disrespected and abused,
• 28:51
  it fit the pattern. So it's just another thing for
• 28:54
  me to get through. Yeah.
• 28:56
  You're like getting. Through it, work through it and
• 28:59
  just keep going. And 20 years, 20 years of that,
• 29:06
  three children later, I got to a point where I realized that I
• 29:11
  had more time behind me than I had ahead of me.
• 29:15
  And I had to decide if I wanted to stay and become bitter and
• 29:21
  mean because that was already setting in, sure.
• 29:25
  Or if I wanted to walk away and take a gamble and reclaim my
• 29:31
  life and take whatever comes, because it can't possibly be any
• 29:36
  worse than this. And I chose the latter.
• 29:39
  I'm kudos to you for finding that strength because I it's not
• 29:43
  an easy thing to do. It's not an easy thing to choose
• 29:47
  when you've been and and tell me if please tell me if I misspeak,
• 29:51
  but abuse over time conditions you in my experience and in my
• 29:56
  but everyone's experience is different.
• 29:58
  But it's hard to break out of that conditioning even when you
• 30:02
  logically know that this shouldn't be happening.
• 30:04
  It's very nervous system. You're you're wired to that.
• 30:08
  I mean, it's extremely challenging.
• 30:10
  And so anyone listening that is going through or considering
• 30:13
  like it is hard, but it doesn't mean that it's not doable to
• 30:18
  break out of an abusive marriage, right?
• 30:21
  Right, absolutely. I I call it pre wiring.
• 30:24
  I was pre wired as a child to accept these circumstances
• 30:32
  because at that as a child, I, I had no, I had no recourse of
• 30:37
  action. So I come into adulthood
• 30:39
  thinking I have no recourse of action happens.
• 30:42
  I don't like it, but hey, this is the way life is.
• 30:44
  Isn't everything like this? Isn't everyone going through
• 30:47
  this? Gosh, now do you?
• 30:49
  Again, it might not be immediately clear because I know
• 30:52
  especially over all those times and all those incidents, it's
• 30:55
  hard. Do you remember any moments
• 30:57
  where something started to turn? Because you talk about how, OK,
• 31:00
  I'm used to this, I've grew up with this, I can get through
• 31:04
  this. Was there a moment that moment
• 31:06
  came that you said? I don't know if this is.
• 31:08
  Going to be, I can remember, probably halfway through the
• 31:11
  marriage. I insisted that we go to therapy
• 31:15
  and we did. I just don't think that that
• 31:19
  therapist was equipped for what it was that I was dealing with.
• 31:25
  And in total, I've seen five therapist.
• 31:28
  I filed twice and after the first time I was going to, I was
• 31:36
  going to leave, but I let him convince me that we would work
• 31:40
  it out. We went to therapy for four
• 31:42
  years. I spent the fifth year in
• 31:44
  therapy alone because I knew what I I knew what I needed to
• 31:48
  do and I was willing to put in the work to do that.
• 31:53
  Thankfully, after that fifth year, I filed for divorce and
• 32:01
  kept going this time. Yeah, well, it's very common to
• 32:04
  get hoovered back in. I mean, it's literally a term
• 32:07
  hoovered you literally it's it's a whole cycle.
• 32:10
  And I think there's a statistic. My number one episode is on
• 32:13
  narcissistic abuse with with a professor who talks all about
• 32:16
  it. And so I reference it often just
• 32:19
  because it's just such a unique experience to go through.
• 32:23
  But once you have, you sort of have this understanding where
• 32:26
  you're like, whoa, they say that for anyone listening that, that
• 32:30
  the the partner tries to leave, usually an up to could be like
• 32:34
  about 7 times you try to leave and they're so good.
• 32:38
  They're still yeah, right, right.
• 32:41
  Something like that. And you, they're so good.
• 32:43
  If you're dealing with a narcissist, they're so good at
• 32:46
  getting you back in. The cycle.
• 32:48
  It's an endless cycle. It is and it's very challenging.
• 32:53
  I have spoken with, I've spoken very educated women who have
• 32:59
  degrees in psychology. They know these things, but they
• 33:03
  have been, they have been drawn into a narcissist's web and it's
• 33:10
  very, very challenging. I think, you know, within the
• 33:14
  last few years there so much information has come out and
• 33:19
  people are talking about it more and we're learning the terms,
• 33:23
  the different types of narcissists and the flying
• 33:27
  monkeys, the gasoline. They're just as they're, they're
• 33:31
  a huge piece of the puzzle man. Whoo, it was flying monkeys, the
• 33:35
  people that and for anyone who's like, what are you talking
• 33:37
  about? How would you explain a flying
• 33:39
  monkey? The flying monkey, like we've
• 33:42
  all seen the Wizard of Oz and so the flying monkeys did the
• 33:46
  bidding of the wicked rich. And so that's basically what it
• 33:50
  is. Narcissists have a very powerful
• 33:53
  way of getting everyone around them into the palm of their
• 33:58
  hands. So when they've zeroed in on a
• 34:01
  victim, they work really hard to strip the support system out
• 34:07
  from under them. And all of a sudden your family,
• 34:10
  your close friends feel as if the narcissist is the most
• 34:15
  amazing person on earth and how lucky you are to be married to
• 34:20
  them. So once that happens and you
• 34:23
  start to go through these things and you want to reach out to
• 34:27
  your family, your friends, to tell them what's going on, they
• 34:31
  don't believe. You, they're like you're crazy.
• 34:33
  Yeah, you're the crazy one. They work so hard to make.
• 34:38
  The narcissist will work so hard to make you look like you're the
• 34:42
  crazy 1 so that your own family and friends will not even listen
• 34:48
  to you. And they think that you're the
• 34:50
  crazy 1. So you begin to doubt yourself
• 34:54
  and say, well, if everyone he thinks I'm crazy and everyone
• 34:57
  around around me thinks that I'm crazy, then I must be the crazy
• 35:01
  one. And you end up in this cycle.
• 35:03
  But yeah, the flying monkeys do the bidding of the narcissist.
• 35:07
  It's even my mom. My mom.
• 35:10
  One day my mom was over and I hadn't shared anything with her.
• 35:14
  I was right about this in my book.
• 35:17
  I was unloading the dishwasher. I had a meltdown.
• 35:20
  I started throwing dishes. My mom panicked.
• 35:22
  She grabbed me. We fell to the floor.
• 35:24
  She was holding me until I just got exhausted.
• 35:28
  And then I started to on the floor.
• 35:30
  I started to tell her what was going on, that I was in an
• 35:34
  abusive marriage, my husband was verbally, financially and
• 35:38
  emotionally abusive to me, and my mom had a hard time
• 35:42
  understanding what I was saying because she thought that he was
• 35:46
  great. Yeah.
• 35:47
  And I sat there confused because I'm telling my mom, my mom, the
• 35:53
  lady who had me, I'm telling her what this person is doing to me.
• 35:57
  She just saw me have a meltdown on the floor and she's
• 36:01
  struggling with believing what I'm saying.
• 36:03
  So I picked up my phone and I pulled up the text messages that
• 36:08
  he had texted me about her that were so negative.
• 36:12
  And I showed her this is what we're dealing with.
• 36:16
  This is who this is. This is really who this is.
• 36:19
  And even after that, she still had a hard time piercing it
• 36:25
  together and having it make sense for her.
• 36:27
  But I got it because it took me a long time to piece it
• 36:31
  together. Because they're master
• 36:33
  manipulators. They've they, they're very
• 36:36
  skilled, very skilled, very skilled.
• 36:39
  And once you see it, I feel like once you've been through a
• 36:42
  narcissistic relationship and then you do the work, you can't
• 36:45
  unlike anyone, you can't, I mean, any red flags like, you
• 36:49
  know, the, the. Spot it.
• 36:51
  Quickly, excessive complimenting, too quick, you
• 36:54
  know, the, you know, certain, like the deep stares of this.
• 36:57
  I'm like, yeah. I'm like, hey, whoa, Nope, this
• 37:00
  is too fast, too much chill out. Like there's so many things you
• 37:05
  can look for, right? But gosh, I'm really sorry that
• 37:09
  you went through that as well. But again, the part that gives
• 37:12
  me that hope and that light is what you've turned it into.
• 37:17
  All of that suffering, like your childhood, all up through
• 37:21
  everything. And then it's like what my
• 37:23
  friend Sylvie says, you alchemized it into something
• 37:27
  that is now doing good. Like what?
• 37:30
  How badass is that? Sorry, it just doesn't get any
• 37:33
  more badass. I'm going to think abuse and I'm
• 37:35
  going to make it something that helps people.
• 37:37
  OK, what else That right? I'm going to flip it on the Ted.
• 37:41
  No surrendering. I'm going to literally burn it
• 37:43
  and turn it into amazingness, right?
• 37:46
  So tell me about that. So well.
• 37:51
  This is the Cliff notes of your story.
• 37:53
  Right, so I have the blog. Then I started to speak.
• 37:58
  Then as I was writing the book, I was, I'm on social media all
• 38:04
  the time. I saw an event coming up that
• 38:08
  was a domestic violence organization's fundraising gala.
• 38:12
  I reached out to them and shared a bit of my story.
• 38:17
  And the founder reached out to me, set up a meeting and we just
• 38:21
  talked, had so much in common, our stories.
• 38:25
  And then she said at the end, how do you see yourself getting
• 38:28
  involved with our event? I'd asked and I said well I'd
• 38:32
  love to be considered for opportunity to speak and she
• 38:35
  said absolutely you will. Amazing.
• 38:38
  And I started working to help with the gala, bringing and
• 38:44
  money to help support sponsorships and telling people
• 38:49
  about this amazing event that was occurring.
• 38:51
  I even made the centerpieces at midnight.
• 38:55
  It's like so, so much love though.
• 38:56
  It's like for the cause, like every little flower, right?
• 38:59
  You're like, this is for all the people that are struggling,
• 39:02
  right? Right.
• 39:03
  And prior to the event I was offered a board seat which I
• 39:07
  accepted. I'm not surprised.
• 39:12
  I'm into everything. So that event happened on a
• 39:18
  Sunday night. It was so amazing.
• 39:21
  We had a celebrity Co host who presented me with an award.
• 39:25
  Yeah, that evening just before I spoke.
• 39:27
  So I was like on, I was on cloud 9.
• 39:30
  I think it took me 3 days. You're just like.
• 39:33
  I get around right? But I had to, I had to quickly
• 39:38
  switch gears because the following Sunday was my book
• 39:42
  launch party. So by Wednesday, I discovered
• 39:46
  that more than likely I wouldn't have any books because the book
• 39:50
  it just published and we don't have enough time to get them
• 39:52
  there. So I panicked.
• 39:55
  We went into this like mode of getting these bags put together
• 39:59
  as a sort of. Price for people go ahead and
• 40:03
  pre-order when we get them. No shit.
• 40:05
  Yeah, We're talking to a friend in New York who happened to
• 40:09
  purchase the book retail. And so then it hit me, If you
• 40:16
  purchase these books retail, you'll get them here on time.
• 40:20
  I had some points on my credit cards, only paid half price.
• 40:24
  So by the time Sunday rolled around, I was exhausted.
• 40:28
  But I have books, my book lunch party.
• 40:31
  You're like, I haven't slept in five days, but I have books.
• 40:34
  I have books. Please buy the book and I'll
• 40:37
  sign it. And they did, and they are and
• 40:40
  they will. Yeah, after that it was amazing.
• 40:43
  I had the founder from Confronting Domestic Violence,
• 40:46
  my book consultant, my cousin who flew in, all these amazing
• 40:51
  people in the room. But most importantly, 3 people
• 40:55
  who were not on the program got up to speak and that was my
• 40:58
  kids. So touching.
• 41:00
  I watch those videos all the time.
• 41:04
  I mean, that's you just won like the Pulitzer Prize, having three
• 41:08
  kids speak on that day, It's like, wow, the culmination of
• 41:13
  your healing, like these three beautiful like souls.
• 41:16
  This is your, that's the like, because you did the healing.
• 41:19
  Look what you have. You did the work.
• 41:22
  Right, right. You went on the program.
• 41:25
  Yeah. And just found out about it
• 41:28
  right before it happened. I was keeping everything like
• 41:32
  toward the end, right before the book published, I shared it with
• 41:35
  them. Yeah.
• 41:36
  And so they just found out about it.
• 41:38
  But yeah, that day they all got up and they spoke and it was
• 41:42
  just, it was an amazing event that just.
• 41:46
  I'm still in awe of how we came together.
• 41:49
  I mean it, it's like all that work of revisiting the hardest
• 41:53
  times in your life and like finding the narrow path through
• 41:56
  it, right? It is, you are rewarded for that
• 41:59
  and it's like you're reward. And it's like, it's pretty cool
• 42:01
  to have a moment like that where you see it all kind of come
• 42:04
  together where you're like, I knew that this was going to
• 42:08
  work. The work worked.
• 42:10
  Passion, purpose and preparation wants to be an aligning.
• 42:15
  And like listening to those inner nudges of start writing
• 42:19
  and you're like, I don't know how to write a book.
• 42:21
  Look, look what I mean. Nobody knows how to do anything
• 42:24
  until you do it right? Like what?
• 42:26
  I just think it's really cool that it's almost like from the
• 42:30
  time you were very young, you just keep dusting yourself off
• 42:34
  like over and over, you know, and it's and feel like the
• 42:40
  lessons that you and the strength that you've built up.
• 42:43
  You face the darkest of dark and it equips you with a strength to
• 42:50
  probably. It doesn't mean you have don't
• 42:52
  have fear, but you know that you have the capacity to to get
• 42:55
  through it. Absolutely.
• 42:57
  Absolutely. I learned so many lessons in
• 43:00
  writing this book. Yeah.
• 43:03
  Our past lays out the groundwork for our present.
• 43:06
  Being transparent with yourself is one of the best gifts that
• 43:11
  you can give yourself. Forgiving yourself and others
• 43:14
  releases you. You don't have to hold hands and
• 43:17
  skip off with them, but if you just let them go what they've
• 43:21
  done or not done for you, you just just let that go.
• 43:24
  It's OK because what I realized is when you open your hand and
• 43:27
  let something go, you make space for something else to come.
• 43:31
  Yeah, it's literally like you just like the anger, like
• 43:35
  letting it go. Just let it.
• 43:36
  Go and now you're open. You're open to receive.
• 43:40
  Then. You're open to receive something
• 43:43
  else, friends and family, learning how to put all of your
• 43:46
  relationships in perspective. Is this something that I need to
• 43:51
  downgrade? Is this something that I need to
• 43:53
  let go of? Just kind of rearranging the
• 43:56
  people on your team because if you let certain people go, you
• 44:00
  make room for others who come into your life and you have this
• 44:06
  have these amazing people who show up who now fit your your
• 44:11
  new life. Yeah, it's.
• 44:14
  Very important to do that. Remember who you are by
• 44:17
  recounting your wins. Love that.
• 44:20
  Because those are powerful Nuggets that we forget about.
• 44:24
  We think about all the bad things we've been through, but
• 44:28
  if we stop and think about all the times that we want remind us
• 44:33
  of really who we've always been and we've forgotten that.
• 44:37
  Date yourself. It's important to date yourself,
• 44:40
  especially if you've been in a long and not so great
• 44:44
  relationship. You lose sight of who you are.
• 44:47
  And when you date yourself, you discover all of who you are, who
• 44:52
  you want to be, what you want to do.
• 44:55
  And a lot of us want to, we want to date again.
• 44:58
  So if that's the case, get to know who you are and what you
• 45:04
  like. So when you meet someone and
• 45:06
  they say, what do you like to do?
• 45:08
  You don't just sit there like a deer in headlights.
• 45:10
  You can tell them who you are, what you like to do.
• 45:13
  Yeah, that's exciting and that's attractive.
• 45:18
  I love some alone time, believe it or not.
• 45:20
  I talk a lot and people are like, really?
• 45:22
  I'm like, yes, I do. It's really nice to start to be
• 45:25
  alone when you when you're start to be real, you're like have
• 45:29
  these little. Yourself.
• 45:31
  You have these moments where you're like, I'm fun.
• 45:33
  I'm that was good. I'm all right, you know, like,
• 45:37
  yeah, I'm not a total you like and then you and then it starts
• 45:40
  building where you're like, yeah, I'm a good friend.
• 45:43
  Yes. And that's OK to think that
• 45:45
  you're good because because you have to think that you're good.
• 45:49
  You attract what you are or what you believe about yourself.
• 45:52
  Yeah. Yeah.
• 45:55
  Gosh, Regina, I feel like I just got a therapy session.
• 46:00
  Good. Honestly, because I just the way
• 46:03
  you tell your story and you're so authentic and warm and like
• 46:07
  your energy is just very reassuring.
• 46:10
  And like that. I know that you've been through
• 46:12
  a lot of tough stuff and it's like such a beautiful like
• 46:17
  lighthouse beacon of hope for someone that's someone's out
• 46:21
  there and they're in the middle of an abusive relationship or
• 46:24
  they are going through a divorce or they're just starting to date
• 46:27
  or whatever, going through and stuck for whatever reason in
• 46:31
  pain. You've been there and there's a
• 46:33
  way out and it way to back to that oneness you talk about.
• 46:38
  Yeah, feeling whole. Yeah, so want some journey?
• 46:41
  Oh yeah? Well, I can't wait to read your
• 46:43
  book. I can't wait.
• 46:44
  I've already been looking at your blog and your website.
• 46:48
  And again, please, everybody look in the show notes, follow
• 46:51
  Regina on Instagram, check out her website.
• 46:54
  It's so hard to just talk about your whole story and in a brief
• 46:58
  hour, but as as you're part of the Adventures and Adversity
• 47:02
  family, that means we'll definitely be connecting again
• 47:05
  in some capacity. So is there anything you want to
• 47:08
  leave the audience with other than your beautiful link to your
• 47:11
  book where they can find out more about you?
• 47:16
  I just want to say no matter what you've been through, you
• 47:21
  have the capability of changing your life.
• 47:25
  All you have to do is believe that you can.
• 47:28
  All I did was say yes and pick up my foot and the path lined up
• 47:33
  for me because I was committing to myself, because I was
• 47:37
  committing to making a change. It becomes, it becomes easier
• 47:42
  when you align with that change versus fighting against it.
• 47:47
  It's very, very oh, right. Yeah, And then those, those,
• 47:51
  those people will appear. They do.
• 47:53
  They will. Once you say yes, you'll be
• 47:56
  like, wow, hey, guardian Angel with random opportunity.
• 48:00
  Thank you. Like you're just like what?
• 48:01
  Like or random person who says something nice to me when I
• 48:05
  needed it. And like, those people will
• 48:07
  appear when you're like, I'm open to help.
• 48:09
  I'm open to. Help.
• 48:10
  I had a bill do and I was freaking out about it and was
• 48:16
  nearly in tears and I just decided to take a walk and maybe
• 48:20
  I'll go get the mail. We went and got the mail and hit
• 48:23
  a card from a friend with a check in.
• 48:24
  It just blew me away so now I'm really crying.
• 48:29
  Now you're like. Like the ugly cry and they call
• 48:34
  her nothing. You had no idea that I was over
• 48:37
  here like stressing about this bill that I needed to pay and
• 48:41
  your check saved the day. I love you so much.
• 48:45
  You know what, as many for as much darkness as there is out
• 48:49
  there, there are. I was just saying this to a
• 48:51
  friend earlier. There's so many good people out
• 48:54
  there who want to help. They really do.
• 48:56
  If you can align your circle with just a couple people that
• 48:59
  are care about you, life is good, right?
• 49:03
  And I think anyone that is listening to this, if you feel
• 49:07
  alone, you know, this podcast is always a place where you can
• 49:13
  reach out. My guests are community builders
• 49:16
  and survivors. Regina, you're, you're a
• 49:19
  beautiful addition to the adventures and adversity family.
• 49:22
  I'm just really I, I learned a lot.
• 49:24
  And and as I say to my other guests, now you're going to be
• 49:26
  like sitting on my shoulder for a couple days.
• 49:28
  I'm like, what would Regina do? Regina said something about
• 49:31
  this. You said this might happen.
• 49:34
  Like it. So you'll be in my head just
• 49:37
  coaching me through the rest of the week.
• 49:41
  Well, I'm trying to take all of these Nuggets and throw them
• 49:45
  together and create a workshop. So that's that's what I'm
• 49:50
  working on. Now I want some journey
• 49:52
  workshop. OK.
• 49:54
  Yeah. Fantastic.
• 49:56
  So until then, people can look at all of your information, see
• 50:00
  all your website tells your story, everything, all the blog,
• 50:04
  all you've been on a bunch of other podcasts.
• 50:06
  So with that Regina, I want to thank you for being a guest for
• 50:11
  episode 85 and you are a woman that is going to help many and
• 50:16
  is helping many just by telling your story.
• 50:18
  Thank. You so much Brianne, for
• 50:21
  allowing me to come on and share my story with the hopes of
• 50:24
  encouraging someone to say yes to their purpose and.
• 50:29
  Passion. I know they will.
• 50:31
  All right, well, take care of everybody.
• 50:33
  Until next time.