Latest / The Financial Feminism Podcast / The Most Expensive Lie Women Believe | Why Knowing Your Value Changes Everything

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The Most Expensive Lie Women Believe | Why Knowing Your Value Changes Everything · The Financial Feminism Podcast

0:16
Welcome back to Financial Feminism.
0:19
I'm so grateful you're here today because I
0:21
want to have a conversation that almost didn't
0:25
happen.
0:26
Not because I didn't have something to say,
0:29
but because I almost missed the lesson myself.
0:34
Now, a few days ago, after earning my
0:37
Doctor of Nursing Practice degree, someone congratulated me
0:41
and then they'd said something that completely caught
0:44
me off guard.
0:45
And they asked me, do you realize how
0:49
few nurses ever earn a doctorate?
0:52
I smiled and then I answered honestly and
0:57
said, no, I hadn't thought about it.
0:59
Actually, not once.
1:01
And for years, my focus wasn't on earning
1:04
a title.
1:06
It wasn't on earning statistics and it wasn't
1:10
on being a part of a small percentage.
1:13
My focus was much simpler than that.
1:17
Finish the assignment, get through the semester, work
1:22
the shift, take care of my patients, lead
1:26
my team, run my businesses, raise my family,
1:31
pay the bills, and wake up and do
1:33
it all over again tomorrow.
1:35
And I became so focused on surviving the
1:40
journey that I never really stopped to appreciate
1:43
what I had actually accomplished.
1:46
And after that conversation, something really, really hit
1:50
me that had absolutely nothing to do with
1:54
nursing.
1:55
I realized I had spent years building something
2:00
valuable without recognizing its value itself.
2:05
That really, that stayed with me.
2:08
And not just for an hour, not even
2:10
just for a day, but for weeks.
2:13
Because then another question came.
2:16
If I could spend years earning something and
2:19
still overlook its value, how many women are
2:24
doing the exact same thing?
2:27
Not with the doctorate, but with their lives.
2:31
So today I want to talk about what
2:33
I believe is one of the most expensive
2:36
lies that women tell themselves.
2:39
And it's a lie that's so common that
2:42
we barely notice it anymore.
2:44
And it sounds innocent and sounds humble.
2:47
It sounds even responsible, I guess, if you
2:51
will, but it quietly steals promotions, businesses, raises,
3:00
opportunities, confidence, even leadership, and eventually money.
3:06
And the lie is this.
3:09
I'm just a nurse.
3:11
Oh, I'm just a mom.
3:13
I'm just helping.
3:15
I'm just doing my job.
3:18
I'm just lucky.
3:21
I'm just trying my best.
3:25
Have you ever noticed how often we use
3:28
that word?
3:29
Just.
3:31
And it's such a small word, but it
3:34
has enormous consequences.
3:36
Because every time you say just, you're shrinking
3:41
something that probably deserves to be celebrated.
3:45
You're reducing something that you've worked incredibly hard
3:49
to build.
3:51
And after enough years, you start believing your
3:54
own words.
3:55
And I don't think women wake up in
3:57
the morning deciding to undervalue themselves.
4:01
I think it happens gradually, and quietly, and
4:05
almost invisibly, if you will.
4:09
And we've become so accustomed to carrying heavy
4:12
loads that eventually they just stop feeling heavy.
4:16
And we become so good at problem solving,
4:21
and solving them no longer feels remarkable.
4:26
And we become so dependable that everyone expects
4:30
it, including us.
4:33
I mean, think about the nurse who has
4:34
spent 20 years calming frightened families.
4:39
And she thinks, well, I'm just doing my
4:41
job.
4:42
The teacher who changes children's lives every single
4:46
year, I'm just teaching.
4:49
Or the woman carrying both her children and
4:54
her parents along every day, and she cares
4:57
for them, and she takes care of them.
4:59
And she says, well, I'm just doing what
5:02
anyone would do.
5:04
And here's one, the entrepreneur who built a
5:07
business from her kitchen table.
5:10
I'm just trying to make it work.
5:12
No, you're not just anything.
5:15
You've simply become so familiar with your own
5:19
strength that you no longer recognize it.
5:23
And that's dangerous.
5:25
Because when extraordinary becomes ordinary in your own
5:30
mind, you stop assigning value to it.
5:35
And here's where financial feminism begins.
5:38
Not with investing, not with budgeting, not with
5:43
retirement accounts, and not with stock portfolios.
5:47
It begins with value.
5:49
Because if you don't recognize your own value,
5:53
how can you possibly expect the marketplace to?
5:58
And think about that for a moment.
6:00
If you walked into a store, and every
6:05
item had no price tag, how would you
6:09
know what anything was worth?
6:12
You wouldn't.
6:14
Someone has to establish value first.
6:19
And women often walk through their careers without
6:22
placing a value on what they've built.
6:25
Instead, we wait.
6:27
We wait for someone else to notice, someone
6:31
else to promote us, someone else to compliment
6:34
us, someone else to tell us we're ready,
6:38
or someone else to tell us we're qualified,
6:41
or even tell us that we deserve more.
6:44
But what if they never do?
6:48
Does that make your value disappear?
6:51
Of course not.
6:54
I mean, it simply means that you've been
6:55
waiting for someone else to confirm something you
6:59
should have already recognized years ago.
7:01
And I think one of the reasons this
7:04
happens is because many of us were taught
7:08
to be grateful, right?
7:10
And gratitude is, it's beautiful.
7:13
And please don't misunderstand me.
7:16
But somewhere along the way, gratitude became silence.
7:20
Gratitude became settling, and it became accepting less.
7:26
And we started believing somewhere along the line
7:29
that asking for more somehow meant we weren't
7:33
thankful for what we already had.
7:35
And those two things are completely different.
7:40
You can be grateful and still negotiate.
7:44
And you can be grateful and still pursue
7:47
leadership.
7:48
You can be grateful and still build wealth.
7:52
You can be grateful and still know your
7:56
worth.
7:57
Those ideas, they're not in conflict.
8:00
They actually belong together.
8:03
Now here's something else I noticed.
8:06
Women are incredible at recognizing greatness in other
8:10
women.
8:11
Tell us your friend earned a doctorate and
8:16
we celebrate.
8:18
Tell us she launched a business and we're
8:22
going to all cheer.
8:24
Tell us she got promoted and we'll applaud.
8:27
Tell us she bought her first investment property
8:32
and we'll tell her how proud we are.
8:35
But ask us to describe ourselves.
8:39
And suddenly the language changes.
8:42
Oh, it wasn't that big of a deal.
8:46
Or I got lucky.
8:48
I still have so much to learn.
8:50
It wasn't anything special.
8:54
Really?
8:55
Then why would you never say that to
8:59
your best friend?
9:01
Why is your kindness reserved for everyone except
9:05
yourself?
9:06
Now I want you to think about that
9:08
because sometimes the person standing between you and
9:13
your next level, it's not your boss.
9:16
It isn't the economy.
9:18
It's not your circumstances.
9:20
It's the story you've been telling yourself.
9:23
The story that says what I do isn't
9:27
that important.
9:28
And if you believe that every decision after
9:32
that becomes smaller, you'll negotiate smaller, dream smaller,
9:38
lead smaller, charge smaller, invest smaller, live smaller,
9:44
not because you have less ability because you've
9:49
accepted a smaller definition of yourself.
9:53
This episode is brought to you by the
9:55
Financial Feminism Community.
9:57
If today's conversation is making you think differently
10:00
about your own value, you're exactly the kind
10:04
of woman we created this community for.
10:07
Financial Feminism is more than a podcast.
10:10
It's a movement helping women recognize their value,
10:14
strengthen their financial confidence, build wealth, embrace technology,
10:19
and create opportunities for themselves and the generations
10:23
that follow.
10:25
You don't have to figure it out alone.
10:27
Join us and connect with women who are
10:29
building businesses, advancing careers, and refusing to play
10:34
small.
10:35
Visit ownthepurse.com to learn more.
10:39
Welcome back.
10:40
Before the break, I asked you to think
10:42
about something.
10:44
What if the greatest obstacle between where you
10:48
are and where you want to be isn't
10:52
your education, isn't your experience, or your opportunities?
10:59
What if it's the way you've been valuing
11:01
yourself?
11:03
Because here's what I've learned.
11:05
Money doesn't always follow talent.
11:08
It follows perceived value.
11:12
Think about that.
11:13
There are brilliant women making half of what
11:18
they should.
11:20
There are women with decades of experience who
11:22
still hesitate before applying for leadership positions.
11:26
And there are women running businesses who apologize
11:30
before they tell someone their price.
11:35
Also, there's women with incredible ideas that never
11:39
become businesses because they've convinced themselves that someone
11:44
else was more qualified.
11:46
And I've seen it in healthcare.
11:49
I've seen it in business.
11:51
I've seen it in ministry.
11:53
And I've seen it in non-profit organizations.
11:57
And I've even seen it in women sitting
11:59
around conference tables who had the best idea
12:03
in the room and never said a word.
12:06
And it wasn't because they weren't intelligent, but
12:10
because they questioned themselves before they ever opened
12:14
their mouths.
12:15
And I want you to imagine something.
12:18
Imagine walking into an antique store.
12:22
There's this old chair that's there.
12:26
And it's just sitting there in the corner.
12:29
And someone walks by it every single day.
12:33
To them, it's just an old chair.
12:37
I mean, it's woven.
12:38
It's dusty.
12:39
It's ordinary.
12:40
And then one day, an appraiser walks in.
12:45
And he studies it.
12:47
He looks underneath.
12:49
He examines, you know, the craftsmanship.
12:52
And he says, this chair is worth $50
12:54
,000.
12:57
Did that chair suddenly become valuable?
13:01
No, it always was.
13:05
The only thing that changed was someone's understanding
13:09
of its value.
13:12
And ladies, how many of us are that
13:14
chair?
13:15
We've spent years believing we're ordinary, not because
13:19
we are, because we've never stopped long enough
13:24
to recognize what we've actually become.
13:28
And I think about the woman who has
13:30
spent 25 years managing chaos inside of a
13:34
hospital.
13:36
Do you know what she's actually learned?
13:39
Leadership, conflict resolution, critical thinking, operations, crisis
13:47
management, communication, even decision making under pressure.
13:54
She doesn't call it that.
13:56
She says, I'm just a nurse.
13:58
No, you're running one of the most complex
14:02
environments in the world.
14:04
You've just become so good at it that
14:08
it no longer impresses you.
14:10
Or I tell you what, think about the
14:12
mother.
14:13
And people love to minimize motherhood.
14:16
But let's be honest, you're managing schedules, budgets,
14:21
conflict for sure.
14:23
Nutrition, transportation, education, emotional regulation, long-term planning,
14:34
negotiation, and healthcare, and time management.
14:38
Now tell me another executive person that requires
14:41
all of that every single day.
14:45
Yet how many mothers describe themselves by saying,
14:50
oh, I'm just a stay-at-home mom.
14:53
That word again, just.
14:56
So can I challenge you today?
14:59
Take that word completely out of your vocabulary.
15:02
Every time you're about to say, I'm just,
15:06
stop.
15:07
Start over.
15:09
Listen to how different these sound.
15:13
I'm just helping.
15:14
No, I'm leading this project.
15:17
I'm just a small business.
15:19
No, I'm building a company.
15:22
Oh, I'm just learning.
15:23
No, I'm investing in my future.
15:27
Words matter because words become beliefs and then
15:32
beliefs become actions and then actions become habits
15:36
and habits become lives.
15:40
If you continue speaking about yourself as though
15:44
you're small, eventually you'll believe that you're small
15:48
and then you'll make small decisions.
15:52
And one of the things that changed my
15:54
life wasn't earning another degree.
15:57
It was changing the questions I asked myself.
16:02
Instead of asking, am I qualified enough?
16:05
I started asking, what problems can I solve?
16:09
And that's a completely different conversation.
16:13
Women spend too much time qualifying themselves and
16:19
the marketplace rewards people who solves problems.
16:24
Let me say that again, because I hope
16:27
you never forget it.
16:29
The marketplace rewards people who solve problems, not
16:34
people with perfect resumes, not people that have
16:40
the most confidence, not even the smartest people
16:44
in the room, but people who solve meaningful
16:48
problems.
16:50
So instead of focusing on what you don't
16:53
have, start really paying attention to what you've
16:57
already solved.
16:59
How many difficult conversations have you navigated?
17:03
How many teams have you held together?
17:07
And how many families have you cared for?
17:10
How many people have you encouraged?
17:13
How many impossible situations have you survived?
17:18
Those aren't random life experiences, they're assets, every
17:23
single one of them.
17:26
And I think women have been taught to
17:29
collect accomplishments without ever taking inventory.
17:35
So imagine owning a warehouse that's filled with
17:38
priceless treasures and never walking inside.
17:43
And that's why so many women, we have
17:47
this issue, that's what we're doing.
17:49
We have years of wisdom.
17:52
We have years of resilience and leadership, years
17:58
of experience, and years of relationships, and years
18:03
of lessons.
18:05
Yet you still introduce yourself to people as
18:09
though you've done nothing remarkable.
18:13
Financial feminism asks a different question.
18:17
Instead of asking what don't I have, we
18:19
ask what have I already built?
18:23
Because wealth doesn't begin with money.
18:26
It begins with recognizing assets.
18:30
And some assets are in your bank account.
18:33
Others are sitting between your ears.
18:37
Some are in your network.
18:39
Some may be in your reputation.
18:42
Some are in your character.
18:45
Some are even in your experience.
18:49
And the problem is we've only been taught
18:51
to count one kind of asset, money.
18:55
But successful women understand something different.
19:00
Your financial life grows much faster once you
19:05
learn to recognize the value you already possess.
19:09
And I remember a while back talking to
19:12
a woman who wanted to start a consulting
19:14
business.
19:15
And she had 28 years of experience, 28.
19:21
And she had trained hundreds of employees.
19:24
She led departments.
19:27
She solved operational problems.
19:30
She monitored leaders and in their work.
19:34
She created systems.
19:36
She mentored people.
19:38
And when I asked her what she thought
19:41
she could charge, she gave me a number
19:45
that honestly surprised me.
19:48
And it was incredibly low.
19:50
So I asked her why.
19:53
And her answer, it just it broke my
19:56
heart.
19:57
And her answer was, I don't think anyone
20:01
would pay more.
20:03
Not because they wouldn't, but because she had
20:08
already decided that her experience wasn't worth it.
20:13
Now, how many women are leaving money on
20:16
the table, not because people refuse to pay,
20:20
but because they've already discounted themselves before the
20:24
conversation even begins?
20:26
That's why this movement exists.
20:29
Not to convince women they're capable.
20:33
Most already are.
20:35
It's to help them recognize that they've been
20:38
over looking something.
20:42
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Welcome back.
21:32
Before we close today, I want to leave
21:34
you with something practical, not theory, not motivation,
21:40
not another quote that you're going to forget
21:43
tomorrow morning.
21:44
I want to leave you with an exercise
21:47
because I believe transformation happens when we stop
21:52
listening for a moment and just start reflecting.
21:57
So wherever you are, if you can safely
22:00
do this later today, grab a notebook, not
22:04
your phone and not a notes app, an
22:06
actual notebook.
22:08
And at the top of the page, I
22:10
want you to write one question.
22:13
What have I been treating as ordinary?
22:17
That's actually extraordinary.
22:21
And then stick with that question for a
22:23
minute and just sit there for a bit.
22:27
Don't rush because I think you're going to
22:30
surprise yourself.
22:32
Write down five things that you've accomplished that
22:36
are not degrees, that are not promotions, and
22:39
that are not titles, just life.
22:43
And maybe you rebuilt your life after a
22:46
divorce.
22:48
Maybe you survived cancer.
22:51
Maybe you survived abuse.
22:54
Maybe you cared for a parent until their
22:57
very last breath.
22:58
And maybe you raised children while working full
23:01
time.
23:02
Maybe you paid off debt or started over
23:06
after losing everything.
23:09
Maybe you moved across the country knowing no
23:11
one or started a business with nothing more
23:14
than an idea and faith.
23:17
Maybe you've spent years quietly serving your community
23:21
without anyone noticing.
23:24
So write those things down.
23:26
Now read them slowly.
23:29
And here's my next question.
23:32
If another woman handed you that exact same
23:36
list, would you admire her?
23:39
Would you respect her?
23:42
Would you tell her she's resilient or that
23:45
she's strong?
23:47
Would you tell her she's capable?
23:49
Of course you would.
23:51
Then why are you so reluctant to say
23:54
those same things about yourself?
23:56
Why is compassion so easy to give away
24:00
and so difficult to receive?
24:04
And I think many women have confused humility
24:07
with invisibility.
24:09
They're not the same thing.
24:11
Humility doesn't mean pretending.
24:14
It doesn't mean that your gifts don't exist.
24:17
Humility simply means recognizing where those gifts came
24:21
from while using them to serve others.
24:25
There's nothing humble about hiding.
24:28
And there's nothing humble about refusing opportunities because
24:32
you're afraid someone might think you're confident.
24:36
There's nothing humble about staying silent when your
24:40
experience could change someone else's life.
24:43
And I want to say something to the
24:45
woman who's listening today and feel like, hey,
24:47
I'm behind.
24:49
Maybe you're 40, maybe you're 50, maybe you're
24:51
60.
24:52
Maybe you think you missed your opportunity.
24:56
And I like to just lovingly challenge that.
25:00
Who decided there was an expiration date on
25:04
your potential?
25:06
Who told you that leadership belongs only to
25:09
younger women?
25:10
Who convinced you that starting over is embarrassing?
25:15
Some of the most remarkable women I've ever
25:18
met didn't discover their purpose into the second
25:21
half of their lives.
25:23
They weren't late.
25:24
They were becoming.
25:26
And sometimes life has to prepare you before
25:29
it positions you.
25:31
Sometimes your greatest qualification isn't what you've learned,
25:35
it's what you've survived.
25:37
And that's something no classroom can teach.
25:41
You know, one of the things I love
25:43
most about women is our ability to see
25:46
potential in other people.
25:48
We can look at someone who's struggling and
25:50
say, I believe in you.
25:52
We encourage our children.
25:55
We mentor younger women.
25:57
We coach friends throughout difficult seasons.
26:00
We remind everyone around us that they're capable.
26:04
But then we walk into the bathroom, look
26:07
in the mirror, and become our harshest critic.
26:10
Could you imagine what would happen if you
26:12
spoke to yourself the way that you speak
26:15
to the women that you love?
26:17
Instead of saying, I'm not ready, you'd say,
26:20
you've prepared for this.
26:23
Instead of saying, I don't know enough, you'd
26:25
say, guess what?
26:26
You'll keep learning.
26:28
And instead of saying, what if I fail?
26:30
You'll say, what if this changes everything?
26:35
That shift changes lives, not overnight, but one
26:40
decision at a time, one conversation at a
26:44
time, one opportunity at a time.
26:47
And financial feminism isn't asking women to become
26:51
something they're not.
26:52
It's asking women to stop hiding who they've
26:56
already become.
26:58
And that's a very different mission.
27:00
This movement isn't about making women aggressive.
27:04
It's about making women aware, aware of their
27:08
gifts and their influence and their leadership, aware
27:11
of their financial potential, aware that they have
27:14
far more to offer than they've been led
27:17
to believe.
27:18
And awareness changes everything because once you recognize
27:22
your value, you negotiate differently.
27:26
You interview differently.
27:28
You lead differently.
27:31
You invest differently.
27:33
You build differently.
27:36
You parent differently.
27:38
You dream differently.
27:41
And you stop asking yourself for permission to
27:44
become who you've already been called to be.
27:49
And that's what happened to me.
27:51
The doctorate didn't suddenly make me valuable.
27:54
It simply forced me to stop long enough
27:56
to recognize the value that had been growing
28:00
through every difficult season, those long nights and
28:06
the failures and all the setbacks and the
28:09
sacrifices.
28:10
None of them were wasted and neither are
28:14
yours.
28:14
So before we finish today, I want to
28:18
leave you with one final thought.
28:21
Imagine if every woman listening to this podcast
28:25
truly understood her value.
28:28
Imagine if she negotiated the salary, started the
28:33
business, applied for the leadership position, invested in
28:39
herself, mentored other women, stopped apologizing for taking
28:46
up space.
28:47
Imagine the impact on families, on workplaces, on
28:52
communities, on generations.
28:55
And that's why this movement matters because financial
28:59
feminism has never been just about money.
29:04
Money is simply one expression of value.
29:07
The real mission is ownership.
29:11
Ownership of your gifts.
29:14
Ownership of your voice.
29:17
Ownership of your future, of your decisions, of
29:21
your opportunities.
29:24
Ownership of your life.
29:26
And here's what I you'll remember after today's
29:29
episode.
29:30
The marketplace cannot consistently value what you refuse
29:36
to value yourself.
29:38
So don't wait for another degree.
29:41
Don't wait for another promotion.
29:43
Don't wait until someone finally tells you you're
29:47
enough.
29:48
Because if you're waiting for permission, you may
29:51
be waiting forever.
29:52
So give it to yourself today, right now.
29:55
And if this conversation spoke to you, I'd
29:58
love to