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Why Do I Miss the Narcissist Who Hurt Me? Heal With God's Help. · Toxic Relationship Podcast

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_02: Hey everyone, welcome back to the Toxic Podcast.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_02: I'm your host, Jake O'Connell, and today we're diving into a question that so many people struggle with.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_02: Why do I still miss the person who hurt me?
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_02: Specifically, missing a narcissist.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_02: Joining me today is the incredible Shannon L.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_02: Alder, relationship life coach and author of the best-selling book, The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Bible.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_02: Shannon, welcome to the show.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_04: Thanks, Jake.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_04: I'm really happy to be here.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_04: This topic is so close to my heart, and I hear this question all the time from my clients.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_04: It's one of the most confusing and painful parts of healing from narcissistic abuse.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_02: Right?
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_02: I think a lot of people feel ashamed for missing someone who treated them badly.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_02: They think it means they're weak or that they didn't really want to leave.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_02: Can you explain why this happens from a psychological standpoint?
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_04: Absolutely.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_04: The short answer is that missing a narcissist is not a sign of weakness, it's a sign of your brain's chemistry.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_04: You see, relationships with narcissists often involve what we call intermittent reinforcement.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_04: That means the narcissist gives you just enough affection, validation, and attention to keep you hooked, but then they withdraw it unpredictably.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_04: This creates a trauma bond, which is essentially an addiction to the toxic cycle.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_02: That's a great point.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_02: So it's similar to how a slot machine works, right?
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_02: You never know when you're going to get that hit of love, so you keep pulling the lever because the unpredictability makes the reward feel even more intense.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_04: Exactly, Jake, and the science backs this up.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_04: Studies on intermittent reinforcement show that it produces the highest rates of behavior persistence, even higher than consistent rewards.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_04: When a narcissist alternates between love bombing and coldness, your brain releases dopamine, the feel-good chemical, during the good times.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_04: Then when they withdraw, your brain goes into a state of stress, releasing cortisol.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_04: You start craving that dopamine hit again, which makes you miss them, even when you know they hurt you.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: Wow, so it's literally a chemical addiction.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: I've read that trauma bonds can be as powerful as drug addiction.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: Is that true?
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_04: Yes, and neuroimaging studies have shown that the same brain regions activated in drug addiction are also activated in romantic love, especially when it's an obsessive or unstable love.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_04: Dr.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_04: Helen Fisher's research on romantic love found that the dopamine-rich areas of the brain light up when someone is deeply in love.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_04: But when that love is paired with fear and anxiety, like in a narcissistic relationship, the emotional intensity becomes even more addictive.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_04: It's a perfect storm.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_02: So even though logically we know the person is toxic, our brain is still chasing that high.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_02: That explains why people go back or why they can't stop thinking about the narcissist even after the relationship ends.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_04: Exactly.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_04: And there's another component, oxytocin.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_04: That's the bonding hormone, sometimes called the cuddle hormone.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_04: It's released during physical touch, emotional intimacy, and even just thinking about someone we love.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_04: In an abusive relationship, especially if there were moments of tenderness, oxytocin creates a deep attachment bond.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_04: So your brain has two powerful chemicals working against you, making it incredibly hard to let go.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_02: It's almost like your brain is betraying you.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_02: You know this person is harmful, but your body and emotions are saying, no, we need them.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_02: How does that cognitive dissonance play into this?
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_04: Cognitive dissonance is huge.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_04: It's the mental discomfort we feel when we hold two conflicting beliefs.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_04: For example, you might think, I'm a smart, capable person, but at the same time, I stayed with someone who treated me terribly.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_04: To reduce that discomfort, your brain rationalizes, well, it wasn't all bad, they really loved me deep down.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_04: If I just tried harder, they would change.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_04: This rationalization keeps you stuck in missing them.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_04: Because acknowledging the truth that you were abused is too painful at first.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_02: That makes so much sense.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_02: So when someone says, I miss the narcissist, what they're really missing is that fantasy version of the person, not the actual abuser.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_02: Is that right?
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_02: Absolutely.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_04: You're missing the person they pretended to be during the love bombing phase.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_04: You're missing the potential you saw in them.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_04: You're missing the hope that things could get better.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_04: But that person never really existed.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_04: Or they existed only briefly as a manipulation tactic.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_04: The real narcissist is the one who lies, gaslights, and devalues you.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_02: And that's a hard pill to swallow.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_02: So how long does this missing phase typically last?
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_02: I know it varies, but is there a general timeline for healing from a trauma bond?
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_04: It really depends on the individual, the length of the relationship, and whether they go no contact.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_04: But on average, it takes several months to significantly reduce the intense cravings and emotional attachment.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_04: Some research suggests that the acute withdrawal phase from a toxic relationship can last anywhere from 30 to 90 days.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_04: After that, the intensity starts to fade, but full healing can take much longer, often a year or more, because you also need to rewire your brain and rebuild your sense of self.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_02: So the 90-day mark is a crucial milestone.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_02: That's interesting because you have something called the 90 Days to Freedom workbook, right?
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_02: But we'll talk about that later.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_02: First, let's dig into the science a bit more.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_02: What actually happens in the brain when someone tries to leave a narcissist and then misses them?
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_02: Is it similar to withdrawal from a substance?
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_04: Yes, it's very similar.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_04: When you leave an abusive relationship, your brain experiences a drop in dopamine and oxytocin, which can cause symptoms like anxiety, depression, obsessive thoughts, and intense loneliness.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_04: You may also experience physical symptoms like changes in appetite, sleep disturbances, and even heart palpitations.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_04: Some people describe it as feeling like they're detoxing from a drug.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_04: And in a way, they are.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_02: That sounds incredibly difficult, but here's the hopeful part.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_02: The brain is plastic.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_02: It can heal and form new neural pathways.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_02: How does that work in the context of overcoming a trauma bond?
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_04: Neuroplasticity is your best friend in recovery.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_04: Every time you resist the urge to contact the narcissist, every time you choose self-care over rumination, you're strengthening new neural connections.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_04: Over time, those connections become the default pathways.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_04: The craving for the narcissist weakens, and your brain starts to find pleasure in healthy activities instead.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_04: It takes consistent effort, but it absolutely works.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_02: So it's like retraining your brain.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_02: What are some practical steps someone can take to speed up this process?
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_02: I imagine no contact is the first one.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_04: No contact is non-negotiable.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_04: As long as you're still interacting with the narcissist, even just checking their social media, you're keeping the addiction alive.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_04: Every time you see their face or read their words, you get a mini dopamine hit.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_04: So block them, delete their number, and ask friends not to share updates.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_04: It's painful at first, but it's the only way to break the cycle.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_02: That's tough, especially when you're in the throes of missing them.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_02: What about therapy?
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_02: Is that essential?
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_04: Therapy can be incredibly helpful, especially with a professional who understands narcissistic abuse and trauma bonds.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_04: EMDR therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, and trauma-focused therapy have all been shown to help rewire the brain and process the trauma.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_04: But even without formal therapy, joining a support group, reading books on the topic, and journaling can make a huge difference.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_02: Journaling is something you recommend a lot in your work, I believe.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_02: How does writing help with overcoming the urge to reach out?
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_04: Journaling helps you externalize your thoughts and feelings instead of acting on them.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_04: When you write down what you're experiencing, the longing, the anger, the sadness, you create distance.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_04: You can also write a list of all the reasons you left and read it every time you miss them.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_04: This interrupts the idealization and brings you back to reality.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_02: That's a powerful tool.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_02: Now, I want to play devil's advocate for a moment.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_02: Some people say, but what if the narcissist really loved me?
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_02: What if I was the problem?
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_02: How do you address that kind of self-blame?
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_04: That's a common and heartbreaking thought.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_04: I have to respectfully challenge that idea.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_04: A narcissist's love is conditional and self-serving.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_04: They may have moments of affection, but those moments are always about what you can do for them.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_04: Supply, admiration, control.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_04: True love doesn't involve systematic devaluation, gaslighting, and emotional abuse.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_04: The self-blame is part of the cognitive dissonance we talked about.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_04: You need to remind yourself that you did the best you could with the information you had and that the abuse was never your fault.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_02: That's a strong point.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_02: And it brings us to the most important question: how do you know you're actually healing?
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_02: What are the signs that the trauma bond is breaking?
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_04: Great question.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_04: Healing isn't linear, but there are milestones.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_04: You'll notice that you think about the narcissist less often.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_04: When you do think about them, the feelings aren't as intense, more like a dull ache instead of a sharp pain.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_04: You'll start to enjoy activities again, sleep better, and feel more like yourself.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_04: You'll also begin to trust your own judgment and set healthier boundaries.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_04: Eventually, the idea of contacting them will feel repulsive rather than tempting.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_02: That's incredibly encouraging, and I know you have resources to help people through that process.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_02: You mentioned earlier the 90 Days to Freedom Workbook.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_02: Can you tell us more about that and maybe your upcoming projects?
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_03: Absolutely, Jake.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_03: My 90 Days to Freedom Workbook is a supplemental guide to my new book coming out next year called Life After Narcissism.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_03: It's a structured program to help you break the trauma bond step by step over three months.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_03: And I'm also creating a new online course called How to Break the Trauma Bond in 90 Days, which goes even deeper with video lessons, exercises, and community support.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_03: All of it is designed to give you practical tools based on the science we've been discussing.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_01: That sounds amazing.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_01: So where can our listeners find all of this?
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_04: Everything is available on my website, shannonalder.com.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_04: You can learn more about the workbook, the upcoming book, and the course there.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_04: And if you join my email list, you'll get free tips and updates as the resources launch.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_02: Perfect.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_02: And just to recap for our listeners, if you're missing a narcissist, remember it's not your fault, it's your brain chemistry.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_02: But you can rewire your brain, break the trauma bond, and heal.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_02: It takes time, often months, but with the right tools and support, you will get through this.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_02: Shannon, any final words of encouragement for someone who's struggling right now?
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_04: I want everyone listening to know that you are stronger than you realize.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_04: You survived the abuse, and you can survive the healing.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_04: Be patient with yourself.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_04: Celebrate small victories and never give up.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_04: The day will come when you look back and feel nothing but gratitude that you walked away.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_02: Beautifully said.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_02: Thank you so much, Shannon, for sharing your expertise and your heart with us today.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_02: And to our listeners, don't forget to visit ShannonAlder.com to learn about the 90 Days to Freedom Workbook, which is a supplemental to her new book on life after narcissism coming out next year.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_02: She's also creating a new course on how to break the trauma bond in 90 days.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_02: All can be found on her website.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_02: That's all the time we have for today.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_02: I'm Jake O'Connell, and this has been the Toxic Podcast.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_02: Take care of yourselves, and we'll see you next time.