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215. The Childish Things We Do In Marriage That kills Intimacy And Connection · The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: You are listening to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast, where we discuss how to find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: We believe that, no matter how many years you've been married, you can achieve passion, romance, happiness and ultimate intimacy at any stage of your life.
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: Join us as we talk to not only marriage experts, but couples just like yourself and people who are just flat out fun.
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast is for couples who have a good relationship but want to make it even better.
• 0:41
  Speaker 2: It's the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast with Nick and Amy, where we discuss how to find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.
• 0:49
  Speaker 2: Doesn't matter if you're 20 or 120.
• 0:53
  Speaker 2: 120.
• 0:54
  Speaker 2: As long as you're married and you have a pulse, this podcast is for you.
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: I hope I don't live to 120.
• 1:03
  Speaker 2: Oh man, yeah, I hope Take me at like 80.
• 1:07
  Speaker 2: 80.
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: As long as I'm healthy, that's alright, 80.
• 1:10
  Speaker 2: If I've lived a good life.
• 1:11
  Speaker 2: Yeah, just, it's all good.
• 1:13
  Speaker 2: Anyways, that's another topic, but today's episode is titled the Childish Things we Do in Marriage that Kills Intimacy in Connection, and as I'm reading over this list, I'm totally guilty of some of these.
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: Really, I don't think you are.
• 1:30
  Speaker 2: You don't?
• 1:30
  Speaker 2: Well, that's good.
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: No, not at all.
• 1:33
  Speaker 2: I guess we'll dive in and we'll find out, but we'll share some examples of you know what we've done, or maybe you know yeah.
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: Probably in the past, maybe before we learned some healthy tools.
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: But when you came up with this name which I thought was kind of ridiculous, not gonna lie, the childish things we do I was like who does childish things as adults?
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: And then, like you said, I look back and I'm like, yeah, we probably did a couple of these.
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: And then I hear from tons of spouses after doing the poll, the tons of couples do these things.
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: And so I didn't really know, I guess, when you threw the title out, like what exactly childish things meant.
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: But yeah, like they make sense.
• 2:15
  Speaker 2: Do these look like some childish things that we often do as adults?
• 2:19
  Speaker 2: Yes, yes, okay, good, okay.
• 2:20
  Speaker 2: So we hope all of you had a great Thanksgiving and looking forward to Christmas.
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: If you're listening right now, if you're listening.
• 2:31
  Speaker 2: If you need some great gift ideas, go check out shopultimateintimacycom.
• 2:35
  Speaker 2: We are offering some specials, so anyways.
• 2:38
  Speaker 2: But let's dive into the podcast and talk about the childish things that I think we do in marriage and why they can impact our relationship and kill intimacy.
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: Do you want me to start with the poll.
• 2:52
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, amy did it.
• 2:54
  Speaker 2: Amy threw out a poll.
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: Throughout a poll we asked our audience does your spouse do childish things that bug you?
• 3:04
  Speaker 2: And I have not seen this.
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: I know you have.
• 3:06
  Speaker 2: In fact I forgot, you even did a poll on it, so I'm going to let Nick try and guess what the percentage is.
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: That said yes.
• 3:14
  Speaker 2: All right, I'm going to guess that 70% or so said yes 61% said yes, 39% said no.
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: I'm going to say yes in the first 10 years of marriage and no in the last 10 years of marriage.
• 3:29
  Speaker 2: I've done nothing childish.
• 3:31
  Speaker 2: Have you seen childish?
• 3:32
  Speaker 2: Yeah, have you not seen the way I act, just on a normal basis?
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I wouldn't consider that childish, thank goodness.
• 3:39
  Speaker 1: I don't know that.
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: I would be okay with that, the things that they listed.
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: So then I just asked what do they do?
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: And it's amazing.
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: I'm just going to read a couple because I don't want to dwell on the negative right.
• 3:55
  Speaker 2: But I'm sure a lot of us can relate to some of these responses that we're going to hear.
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: And no, it's not like throwing a two-year-old tantrum.
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: I mean, I guess some spouses might do that.
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: I'm not sure what that looks like, but this is kind of what we're talking about Throw spits over anything that makes them mad in the slightest.
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: So I guess I take that back.
• 4:18
  Speaker 2: As you start out with the first one.
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: Throwing fits over anything that makes them mad in the slightest.
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: I don't know what an adult fit look like and that would be scary.
• 4:32
  Speaker 2: The other spouses probably just walk and tiptoed on eggshells the whole day like, oh, I hope I don't make them mad.
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: Throw spit over anything that makes them mad.
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: I don't think that I would be okay with that in my marriage.
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: Silent treatment.
• 4:47
  Speaker 2: Yep, been there, done that.
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: Everyone's done that Silent treatment.
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: Then go sit on the other couch instead of talking about the issue.
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: Okay, we're all guilty of that.
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: Another one Silent treatment Throws a fit at being asked to be quiet when I'm a call in the same room.
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: Okay, maybe it's the way you're asking.
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: I'm not sure.
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: Act petty and disregard my needs because their inner child isn't given the opportunity to win.
• 5:17
  Speaker 2: I don't know, what that means.
• 5:21
  Speaker 1: Disregard my needs because their inner child is given the opportunity to win.
• 5:24
  Speaker 2: I understand, disregard my needs.
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, wying and complain, silent treatment, blame, keeping her self away from me, not cleaning up after themselves.
• 5:37
  Speaker 1: I wouldn't guess that one, but that makes that a perfect one Absolutely.
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: That's a perfect example, right, not cleaning up after yourself I have.
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: Me and Nick are both kind of OCD, not in an unhealthy way, but our house is spotless all the time, right, but I think it helps that, unless our kids mess it up, and then we both clean up right now.
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: What do you mean unless Well okay, our house is spotless until our kids come home from school, and then it turns Our house is spotless, they throw their backpacks and shoes, everywhere Our house is spotless from 10 pm to 6 am when they're sleeping.
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: And then I clean up after them in the morning, after breakfast.
• 6:12
  Speaker 1: Then it looks like Then it's clean until they get home.
• 6:14
  Speaker 2: And it looks like Hurricane Andrew came through the house.
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: In like five minutes when they get home from school.
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: But we make them take care of their own mess because they are Teenagers that can do that.
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: I'm not gonna make me and my husband do that, Anyway.
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: So back to cleaning up after yourself or your spouse.
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: They don't clean up after themselves.
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: That would bug the heck out of me and you.
• 6:37
  Speaker 2: For sure.
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: So if you were a totally messy slob, I can see why that would drive you insane and caught up cause a lot of marriage problems.
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: I can see that eats loudly, avoidance, silent treatment.
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: I Think it's more me who is childish, but I've gotten better.
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: At least they're admitting it.
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: Silence, slamming doors, blaming, yelling, sometimes acting like a five-year-old with ADHD.
• 7:07
  Speaker 2: Well, we put our list together.
• 7:09
  Speaker 2: Our list was put together before we even did this pull.
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: Are you gonna add any of these to your list?
• 7:13
  Speaker 2: I, I think we're covered most of them.
• 7:15
  Speaker 2: But yeah, we'll go through, you know, one by one, and okay talk about the things, but yeah, I think pretty much all these things, if not Well, most of them, are on the list.
• 7:26
  Speaker 1: Okay, I'm gonna keep going, though, because I'm not done.
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: Lack of humility Becoming defensive.
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: We all do that does the saying boys will be boys make sense?
• 7:38
  Speaker 2: Boys will be boys.
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: Does that mean they're kind of gross?
• 7:41
  Speaker 2: I don't know or dirty.
• 7:42
  Speaker 2: I.
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: Only had one son, but he was not one of those kind of boy like.
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: He was just very clean.
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: So I don't know what that means.
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: Eliminate, let's see, make excuses, threaten or more silent treatment.
• 7:57
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: I'll quit for you.
• 7:59
  Speaker 2: So our?
• 7:59
  Speaker 2: So, as I guess you can probably guess, but our first one is silent treatment.
• 8:03
  Speaker 2: Which we are all guilty of, I know.
• 8:09
  Speaker 2: In our marriage early on, I remember a time where, like I Was, I was mad at Amy for something, or vice versa, and we went days given the silent treatment.
• 8:19
  Speaker 1: Oh, we're both so stubborn Well and what happens.
• 8:23
  Speaker 2: There is, like you know, it gets ridiculous.
• 8:26
  Speaker 2: Yeah, my point of view I'm like oh, I'm not talking to her, I'm not cracking first, and her point of view is I'm not cracking first, and so it's like a contest to see who can go the longest always correct first, and it's so it's so uncomfortable, like it's so uncomfortable and after day, three or four year, thinking like this is absolutely ridiculous, but you still don't want to be the one to give in.
• 8:45
  Speaker 1: I'm pretty sure Nick always gave in because I think probably like won that stupid game, which makes me actually the loser.
• 8:53
  Speaker 2: But we all do that, you're winning the silent treatment game.
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: You're not the winner, Sorry, just gotta throw that out there.
• 8:58
  Speaker 2: But why?
• 8:58
  Speaker 2: Why do you think people do the silent treatment?
• 9:02
  Speaker 2: I?
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: think that it is easy to Get upset, and then your pride sets in and you don't think that you're wrong because we both are like well, I didn't do it wrong.
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: He needs to apologize, and if he's thinking the same thing because we're both having too much pride, the game begins right.
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: Nobody wins a game of silent treatment until somebody is Mature enough and loving enough to stop that dumb game well, I think too.
• 9:32
  Speaker 2: when people do the silent treatment, I think a lot of people feel like all, if I Just be silent, I'm gonna, I'm gonna pretend that it doesn't matter to me, right?
• 9:40
  Speaker 2: I'm like.
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: I'm trying to prove a point.
• 9:42
  Speaker 2: Yeah, or I'm trying to prove a point which I Mean.
• 9:45
  Speaker 2: Obviously we talk about all the time communication, how important communication is.
• 9:49
  Speaker 2: Having that silent treatment just goes completely against Everything that is going to cause you to have a good marriage.
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: So I have to add, though, like If you just agree, or like something's really bugging you and you bring it up and it kind of just gets heated and you decide it's not the right time to like maybe the kids walk in, or it's just not the right time to really bash out the argument.
• 10:15
  Speaker 1: Like sometimes silent treatment for an hour or so does happen until you can come back to a place where you can talk about.
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: It Becomes toxic when it became comes a long span of time.
• 10:27
  Speaker 2: You're passing in the halls.
• 10:29
  Speaker 2: You're going to bed.
• 10:29
  Speaker 2: No one's saying a word to each other.
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: People.
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: You're treating your spouse disrespectful, like glaring at them or eye-rolling or like those kind of things.
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: If you can just Be upset but be like, let's come back to this in a couple hours and just take a little space, like you can handle it in different ways.
• 10:48
  Speaker 2: Yeah, for sure right.
• 10:51
  Speaker 2: You mentioned this as well, like slamming doors, breaking things, throwing tantrums.
• 10:55
  Speaker 2: To me this is like one of the most childish things someone can do and and we've all been guilty of it I mean I will get upset.
• 11:04
  Speaker 2: We just want to break something or slam a door, almost like showing our spouse how angry we are, but I think you know when we that can also be a scary thing for your spouse to see.
• 11:16
  Speaker 2: When you're throwing a tantrum and breaking stuff or Hitting things, almost showing like a side of you that maybe they haven't seen before, maybe they have seen before.
• 11:26
  Speaker 2: But I think anytime you lose control of yourself, that's that's not a good place to be in we're gonna start breaking stuff.
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: That's like not okay.
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: Yeah that's just not okay.
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: If you have an anger management issue, then you need to be responsible enough and mature enough to take yourself to counseling, don't you think?
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: Mm, hmm, absolutely I just think, as adults like we get into marriage, we start having kids, we start raising families, like you have to be a certain maturity level and responsibility level to be an adult and if you feel like you're not and your spouse is pointing out things that you're like you know, that's not really okay.
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: The kids are learning from you or this is not very respectful to me or the family.
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: Like, give some professional help, whatever it is that you're dealing with, like if you have past trauma or whatever, like I just feel.
• 12:17
  Speaker 1: Like if we're humble enough to realize I do have some issues that need to be fixed my spouse has pointed them out in a hopefully nice way Get the help that you need.
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: That doesn't make you a bad person because you have a couple flaws that need professional help.
• 12:30
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm involved out with that.
• 12:31
  Speaker 2: I mean I've broken stuff on the golf course and thrown a tantrum.
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: He has thrown a golf tantrum 15 years ago.
• 12:41
  Speaker 2: Yes, Absolutely yeah, so.
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: I think yeah.
• 12:44
  Speaker 2: Luckily that wasn't in my marriage.
• 12:45
  Speaker 2: If he did that in my house.
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: I would escort him outside to let himself calm down.
• 12:51
  Speaker 2: Oh, but it felt so good afterwards.
• 12:54
  Speaker 2: Anyways, moving on Criticism and blame, another thing I think we're all guilty of we all maybe not all of us, but I certainly have been is when you put the blame or criticize your spouse for maybe a decision that was made or something that went wrong.
• 13:13
  Speaker 2: Maybe you know it could be financial decision, or it could be really anything.
• 13:18
  Speaker 2: Again, I think this is something that most of us are guilty of is blaming our spouse when things don't go right, and that's a sign of pride too, right?
• 13:30
  Speaker 2: Not having humility to admit when we're wrong, when we've made a mistake.
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: Well, and it's easy to criticize too If something's bugging like you heard that list.
• 13:38
  Speaker 1: Like if you were doing any of those things, it would be easy to criticize.
• 13:41
  Speaker 1: It'd be like why do you chew at your mouth?
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: Why are you so loud and annoying?
• 13:44
  Speaker 1: Why do you make messes?
• 13:47
  Speaker 1: Like things are going to bug us?
• 13:49
  Speaker 1: The problem is is the way you go about it, and it always comes down to like we always say the tone of your voice makes the tone of your marriage, so will you please stop it?
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: Or you're so annoying Like comments like that are going to probably make your spouse either stubborn and want to do it worse just to bug because you're being rude about it, or, if you do it the right way, and say honey, can you please, please, please.
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: I don't know why it bugs me so bad, but I'd really appreciate it if you could do this.
• 14:20
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's all about the tone of voice and how you approach it.
• 14:22
  Speaker 1: I would really, really appreciate it, you, honey, if you could just, instead of putting your clothes on the floor, the laundry baskets just like, right, like just, could you please just stick them in the laundry basket.
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: But it's the way you do it Instead of you know, the laundry baskets like right next to that, right Like duh, yeah, like that's right you can tell, you tell it to which I'm the one that's probably guilty of throwing them on the floor.
• 14:44
  Speaker 1: But like, simple things like that can really bug your spouse.
• 14:48
  Speaker 1: And so it comes, you take it from you're the annoying one to I'm becoming the toxic one in the marriage because those things are bugging me and I'm not handling in the right way.
• 14:59
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: And that's what can happen, right.
• 15:01
  Speaker 2: Yeah, exactly.
• 15:02
  Speaker 2: The next one is probably the biggest one for me that I just can't stand, or I should say really frustrates me, is keeping score.
• 15:15
  Speaker 1: How does that frustrate you babe?
• 15:17
  Speaker 2: Well, I think, just like when you're so focused on keeping score and everything has to be perfect, then it then it kind of goes into every aspect, right, like if everything's a game, then every aspect of your marriage is being scrutinized.
• 15:33
  Speaker 2: For who's doing what?
• 15:36
  Speaker 2: Do you have equal time on this?
• 15:38
  Speaker 2: Are you being equal on this?
• 15:40
  Speaker 2: And I understand having something be fair, right, like, if I have some alone time and I'm going out and doing something, amy should get some alone time and go out and do something.
• 15:52
  Speaker 2: Like you should be working together to provide each other with what they need.
• 15:57
  Speaker 2: Amy's needs might be different than my needs in certain areas, and so it's finding balance and balance doesn't always mean having it equal right, like you can find balance and have things different on both sides because we as men and women, as humans, are built differently and so, instead of keeping score and everything has to be equal, just serving each other and finding something that works for both of you.
• 16:29
  Speaker 1: This is probably one of the hardest ones in marriage is keeping score, and I think it's easier for women to keep score because they feel like they're always doing more, because we do take on more and I think and this is different in every couple's personality and stuff but a lot of husbands can go work all day and then just kind of be like I need a break now, where a woman is used to.
• 16:52
  Speaker 1: If you do have kids, your work never stops, so you're never feeling like you really have that break right.
• 16:57
  Speaker 1: Even if you work, you come home you're still taking care of kids.
• 16:59
  Speaker 1: I think a lot of husbands are like I'm going to put my feet up for an hour.
• 17:02
  Speaker 1: This can cause a lot of contention in marriage.
• 17:05
  Speaker 1: It has in our own marriage.
• 17:07
  Speaker 1: We have definitely been through this.
• 17:09
  Speaker 2: Our share of this.
• 17:09
  Speaker 2: Early on, we were total scorekeepers.
• 17:12
  Speaker 2: It was like you were gone this much, so now I'm going to be gone this much.
• 17:16
  Speaker 1: Except for I never did that.
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: So that's when the scorekeeping began.
• 17:19
  Speaker 1: So let's just throw in an experience, just so they you can tell.
• 17:25
  Speaker 1: I have two examples of this.
• 17:27
  Speaker 1: So when we first got married, Nick played golf every single day, right?
• 17:32
  Speaker 2: Yeah right.
• 17:34
  Speaker 1: Even when you decided not to take it as a profession, you still played a lot of golf.
• 17:39
  Speaker 2: I played a lot yeah.
• 17:39
  Speaker 1: You played a lot of golf.
• 17:40
  Speaker 1: So here I am with little kids, raising the kids, and I didn't feel like I ever got a break.
• 17:45
  Speaker 1: So I started getting in the scorekeeping mind and I never did it.
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: I wish I would have taken more time away from the kids, but they were so young and so partially my fault.
• 17:56
  Speaker 1: But I was thinking a lot of the days.
• 17:58
  Speaker 1: I can't believe he's got to be gone for five hours.
• 18:01
  Speaker 1: I'm just going to go take off for four to five hours.
• 18:03
  Speaker 1: He owes me that.
• 18:05
  Speaker 1: That mindset, right.
• 18:06
  Speaker 1: There is what starts to mess up a marriage, right?
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: So if your husband wants to go play golf on Saturday for four or five hours, yes, you can definitely make it fair, but it's not going to be equal.
• 18:21
  Speaker 1: That's the difference.
• 18:22
  Speaker 1: Hey, babe, that would be great.
• 18:24
  Speaker 1: If you want to, could you maybe be home by two and then I'm going to leave for a few hours and maybe I don't golf and I don't need a four or five hour round, but maybe I'd like to go shopping for a couple hours or whatever I need, and hopefully, your spouse.
• 18:36
  Speaker 1: It's about how you present it and about how you do it, Like it's never going to be equal, it's never going to be equal.
• 18:45
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and that's the point is, when you're keeping score, you're looking at every little thing and, like Amy said, we might need different time, and that's OK.
• 18:55
  Speaker 2: But finding a balance, when you take the keeping score equation out of it, it might be like, hey, I'm going to go play golf this afternoon and you're like, hey, I'm going to go shopping and do this.
• 19:06
  Speaker 2: One might take more time or less time than the other, but if you're providing each other with each other's needs and that's really what it's about right, and there might be certain times where you need more time.
• 19:21
  Speaker 1: Absolutely, and maybe if the Saturday thing was really hard for me because he'd be gone on Saturdays and I'm like you were already gone during the week and this one wasn't when I wasn't working.
• 19:30
  Speaker 1: So it does need to be somewhat fair in the marriage though.
• 19:35
  Speaker 1: So if your husband gets one Saturday, then maybe you get half of the next Saturday, and that just comes down to conversation.
• 19:41
  Speaker 2: Communication.
• 19:42
  Speaker 1: Communication and trying to find a healthy balance together in a kind and respectful way, right.
• 19:48
  Speaker 2: Absolutely.
• 19:48
  Speaker 1: I'm going to throw out one more example because I think this is really important for couples.
• 19:52
  Speaker 1: A couple days ago I threw out a post or a reel that got a lot of comments, and I had said something about husbands if you want to be desired, you've got to be desirable, and I'd make videos for men and for women.
• 20:07
  Speaker 1: So I wasn't pointing fingers, but I was saying I talked about there having to be that balance.
• 20:13
  Speaker 1: But I said husbands, you really like half of the housework is yours.
• 20:17
  Speaker 1: And so of course a bunch of husbands came back at me and they're like well, I don't see my wife changing the oil and doing the yard work and taking care of the brakes and fixing the cars and doing all the outside crap.
• 20:29
  Speaker 1: Of course they're just fully triggered really quick right when it comes to household work.
• 20:35
  Speaker 1: This, of course that's part of it.
• 20:39
  Speaker 1: I never said it wasn't part of it.
• 20:40
  Speaker 1: So on Saturdays I threw out this this is what we do During the week.
• 20:45
  Speaker 1: We all just try and help.
• 20:48
  Speaker 1: Like if I make dinner, nick usually cleans up If he tries to make dinner.
• 20:52
  Speaker 2: If I try, if Nick goes and buys dinner.
• 20:56
  Speaker 1: I clean up the paper plates.
• 20:58
  Speaker 2: If I go buy dinner.
• 20:59
  Speaker 2: It's real easy to clean up.
• 21:00
  Speaker 2: We just throw the bags in the trash, so yeah.
• 21:03
  Speaker 1: Anyways, we try to help during the week for the household things, because the yard work and that kind of stuff doesn't usually happen during the week.
• 21:11
  Speaker 1: Ok, so we tried it.
• 21:12
  Speaker 1: It's never going to be fair, but if someone sees something that needs to be cleaned up, we kind of both jump on it, like whoever gets there first.
• 21:18
  Speaker 1: Or if the other one's busy doing something else with the kids or has any business kind of stuff going on, the other person cleans up.
• 21:24
  Speaker 1: It's not about scorekeeping and then on Saturdays we write down OK, if you need to put the list of all the outside things and all the inside things and then we get our kids involved and, ok, nick goes and does the yard work, he goes and takes care of the car stuff or whatever it is, while we're doing the inside.
• 21:43
  Speaker 1: If we're still working on inside stuff, when he gets done he comes and helps with the inside stuff, or vice versa.
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: That's the thing it's not like.
• 21:51
  Speaker 1: Well, you did, all of you did 10 things, or I did the like.
• 21:54
  Speaker 1: It's just.
• 21:55
  Speaker 2: It's working together as a team.
• 21:56
  Speaker 1: It's all about being a team and just helping your spouse.
• 22:00
  Speaker 1: It's all about your attitude, and so when people even start getting stuck in the scorekeeping I do more than you you're already in a toxic mindset.
• 22:09
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 22:10
  Speaker 1: Correct.
• 22:10
  Speaker 2: I agree, totally agree with that.
• 22:12
  Speaker 2: So I thought those were good examples.
• 22:15
  Speaker 2: The next one's holding grudges.
• 22:17
  Speaker 2: I think we all do that Right.
• 22:23
  Speaker 1: It's easy to do, especially if it's something big.
• 22:25
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 22:25
  Speaker 1: We get hurt, we get offended.
• 22:28
  Speaker 2: You know, in our marriage, some of the things we went through, and so I think there was a while there where Amy was frustrated which she had every right to be with some of the decisions and things I made, and I think it's totally normal, and so I don't put this as like, I don't put this as like a childish thing.
• 22:46
  Speaker 2: If, like, a spouse has done some big things but holding grudges over like little, little, teeny things that you should be able to get over, it's completely normal to lose trust, to be frustrated over big things that happen that have a really big impact on your relationship.
• 23:03
  Speaker 2: But we're talking about the like, the little things that, and I mean even the big things right, eventually you have to get over them, but those things sometimes take time.
• 23:13
  Speaker 1: Time heals.
• 23:13
  Speaker 1: Time heals when you know someone's like actually apologized and is actually genuine with their apologies and has actually showed change, right yeah, but like little dumb things that we're talking about, you just gotta let stuff go.
• 23:27
  Speaker 1: I think that's just part of being an adult.
• 23:31
  Speaker 2: Yep Right.
• 23:31
  Speaker 1: Being mature.
• 23:33
  Speaker 2: Um sulking and pouting.
• 23:34
  Speaker 2: What does sulking and pouting mean to you, babe?
• 23:37
  Speaker 2: I?
• 23:37
  Speaker 2: Haven't heard that word for a long time Sulking and pouting, sulking and pouting, Sulking and pouting.
• 23:42
  Speaker 1: Um what do I go with this one?
• 23:48
  Speaker 2: What was that?
• 23:49
  Speaker 2: How do?
• 23:49
  Speaker 1: I say this correctly, without getting hammered.
• 23:51
  Speaker 1: I think that a lot of husbands that aren't getting their needs met, which I see and I hear from.
• 24:00
  Speaker 2: A lot.
• 24:01
  Speaker 1: So many husbands pout about this, that topic.
• 24:06
  Speaker 2: Oh, totally, and I yeah.
• 24:08
  Speaker 1: Right and it makes me guilty of it.
• 24:10
  Speaker 2: Absolutely, absolutely, yes, like man Whoa, why don't you desire me, how you know?
• 24:17
  Speaker 2: I mean, I think that's, I think that's, I think it's human nature to kind of pout.
• 24:21
  Speaker 1: We're talking more like like toxic pouting.
• 24:23
  Speaker 2: So I wonder if I should, if I can cross this off the list, since.
• 24:28
  Speaker 1: Since what.
• 24:29
  Speaker 2: Since, uh, yeah, I mean, I think, uh, I think a lot of men sometimes do this.
• 24:38
  Speaker 1: Well, you can cross it off because you don't have anything to pout about.
• 24:40
  Speaker 1: You have your freaking spoiled.
• 24:42
  Speaker 2: Exactly yeah.
• 24:44
  Speaker 1: But a lot of husbands aren't.
• 24:45
  Speaker 1: Yeah, so maybe they have a right to pout, that's true.
• 24:49
  Speaker 1: That's true.
• 24:50
  Speaker 1: No, pouting and sulking about something really just comes down to having a conversation about it, right, like what are you pouting about?
• 24:57
  Speaker 1: What are you upset about?
• 24:58
  Speaker 1: Are you holding it in?
• 24:59
  Speaker 1: Are you giving silent treatment?
• 25:00
  Speaker 1: Like, how is that pouting coming about and is it being toxic?
• 25:04
  Speaker 1: Are you acting like a two year old, or can you literally just sit down and have a conversation about it?
• 25:09
  Speaker 1: I think back in the day when we didn't have like a whole set of tools to really help us get through some of the stuff some of the stuff on, like how did we make it through that we didn't have the ultimate intimacy app?
• 25:23
  Speaker 1: And maybe some common sense too.
• 25:25
  Speaker 2: Well, that's true, I didn't get.
• 25:27
  Speaker 2: I didn't get, did get any common sense, probably till I was in my late 30s early 40s a couple of years ago.
• 25:35
  Speaker 1: But I just think that, yeah, I think the more mature and older you get, sometimes I don't know.
• 25:42
  Speaker 1: For us it's like now if there's an issue, we just talk about it, get it over with.
• 25:46
  Speaker 2: Like let's not play games anymore.
• 25:48
  Speaker 2: Previously we really sucked at.
• 25:49
  Speaker 1: We did, we did Next one.
• 25:54
  Speaker 2: Yet.
• 25:55
  Speaker 1: You want me to do that?
• 25:55
  Speaker 2: Say it yeah yeah, the next one's great, yeah, avoiding responsibility.
• 25:59
  Speaker 1: Avoiding responsibility.
• 26:00
  Speaker 1: Why did you hesitate on that one?
• 26:03
  Speaker 2: I was thinking and so about.
• 26:06
  Speaker 2: I was.
• 26:07
  Speaker 2: No, I was thinking about something previously, but we're moving on.
• 26:09
  Speaker 2: So yeah, avoiding responsibility.
• 26:12
  Speaker 1: I kind of want you to go back now.
• 26:15
  Speaker 2: Oh, it's late.
• 26:16
  Speaker 2: I totally forgot what I was going to say Okay.
• 26:18
  Speaker 2: But avoiding responsibility.
• 26:22
  Speaker 2: I Video games.
• 26:24
  Speaker 1: Like too much video games.
• 26:26
  Speaker 1: I would think there'd be childish in a marriage.
• 26:28
  Speaker 1: Nick doesn't play video games.
• 26:29
  Speaker 2: Yeah, just putting off putting off things are important.
• 26:32
  Speaker 2: I like my personality is like I get stuff done, like I have a to do list and I just hammered out so like avoiding responsibility to me.
• 26:41
  Speaker 2: It's hard for me to think of doing that, but a lot of people do like it's amazing.
• 26:49
  Speaker 2: We know some people that just like have no care in the world.
• 26:53
  Speaker 2: They have they have a massive issue they need to take care of and they it's almost like they just blow it off and you're like how in the world can you even function?
• 27:01
  Speaker 2: They'd rather play pickleball and they're just like oh well, you know, we don't figure things out, things will work out.
• 27:06
  Speaker 2: And like they just avoid all these responsibilities.
• 27:10
  Speaker 2: I'm just like I could not live my life like that.
• 27:12
  Speaker 2: No, it would be.
• 27:12
  Speaker 2: I would be a mess.
• 27:16
  Speaker 1: It amazes me how many people live at the pickleball courts like all the time and they're not retired.
• 27:21
  Speaker 1: I'm like, aren't you worried about finances a little bit?
• 27:23
  Speaker 1: Aren't you worried about having a good setup when you retire?
• 27:28
  Speaker 2: or I don't know, like maybe I avoided responsibility when I was golfing.
• 27:34
  Speaker 2: Yeah, because I kind of lived in the golf course.
• 27:37
  Speaker 1: That's why we learned from that.
• 27:40
  Speaker 2: Yeah, um, dismissing your spouse's feelings.
• 27:44
  Speaker 2: To me this would be like, you know, if your spouse comes to you and says, hey, I'm filling this way and you're just like, oh, okay, and then you completely ignore what they said or you don't care, you don't show them that you care, you don't acknowledge what they're feeling or what they're going through.
• 28:02
  Speaker 2: And I think, I think, most of us have been guilty of this, maybe not intentionally.
• 28:08
  Speaker 2: I think sometimes life just gets so busy and sometimes even worse, maybe going through tough times or dealing with our own things that we're trying to get our own crap together, and sometimes it's hard to you know, I guess we're so focused on ourselves it's hard to, you know, focus on our spouse.
• 28:31
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 28:32
  Speaker 2: And really it is the times that you focus more on each other is when you're going to be the happiest, when I'm focused on you and your needs and your happiness, and vice versa.
• 28:42
  Speaker 2: That's when our marriage seems to thrive.
• 28:46
  Speaker 1: And adding to that.
• 28:48
  Speaker 1: I think this brings up why date night is so important and why that quality time to really talk about how you're doing in your marriage, not talk about your kids and stuff, but like to talk about you.
• 29:00
  Speaker 1: Date night should really be about your marriage, your relationship about each other and kind of evaluating where you are with that and if you're both feeling connected and I don't know that, just it just shows how important quality time is together to be able to discuss these things.
• 29:16
  Speaker 1: Make sure you're not dismissing those feelings, right.
• 29:19
  Speaker 2: Day night's huge, I mean.
• 29:20
  Speaker 2: That's had a significant impact on our marriage.
• 29:22
  Speaker 2: We didn't do it for a long time, especially when we were younger kids.
• 29:27
  Speaker 1: Yeah, made a huge difference, so hopefully, I want to share a post real quick.
• 29:34
  Speaker 2: Hopefully Amy shares a post.
• 29:35
  Speaker 2: Real quick is what I was gonna say.
• 29:38
  Speaker 1: My post says and I just shared on Instagram marriage isn't easy.
• 29:42
  Speaker 1: It was meant to test you, to teach you, to humble you, to make you better, to help you learn to be unselfish, to help you learn forgiveness, to teach you patience, to help you grow.
• 29:53
  Speaker 1: Love isn't easy, but in marriage, when effort is put in on both sides, it's comforting, passionate.
• 30:01
  Speaker 1: It's worth the work, it's worth the effort, because there's nothing better than having a best friend by your side.
• 30:06
  Speaker 1: Always doing all the hard things together, building life together and becoming better together as one is beyond rewarding.
• 30:13
  Speaker 2: Oh, that's beautiful Was that so beautiful.
• 30:14
  Speaker 1: Like it just marriage is work.
• 30:17
  Speaker 1: Like, if you look at all those things that we talked about, it's really about overcoming those things and being more respectful and loving and being a better team and being more united.
• 30:32
  Speaker 1: Like, marriage literally is one of the biggest and hardest tests that we have in this life, but when you like, get rid of those toxic things, it actually is not that hard.
• 30:44
  Speaker 2: Well, we as humans naturally don't want to do good things.
• 30:47
  Speaker 2: We as humans naturally are going to be prone to sin and be drawn to like evil things or selfishness or, you know, things that are the opposite of what we should be doing in marriage.
• 30:59
  Speaker 2: So every day, regardless of who you are, you're going to have a constant battle dealing or trying to deal with certain things, whether it's whether it's being unselfish.
• 31:11
  Speaker 2: That's a very hard thing.
• 31:12
  Speaker 2: We naturally are very selfish people.
• 31:15
  Speaker 2: We want to please ourselves.
• 31:16
  Speaker 2: So being unselfish is sometimes often difficult.
• 31:20
  Speaker 2: Being honest, having good communication, you know, just I don't know, I think so many things in life we naturally want to do the opposite of what we should be doing to have a happy and healthy marriage For sure.
• 31:37
  Speaker 2: So it's a constant battle, it takes work and that's okay but that's what makes it so rewarding and so worth it.
• 31:43
  Speaker 2: Every day, Amy and I are working on our marriage every day.
• 31:47
  Speaker 1: We try hard.
• 31:49
  Speaker 2: We fail sometimes.
• 31:50
  Speaker 2: We succeed sometimes, but every day we're working on it, and if you're not constantly working on it, you're probably going to be going down the wrong path.
• 32:01
  Speaker 1: So it doesn't have to be that hard.
• 32:03
  Speaker 1: Just really got to get these tools.
• 32:05
  Speaker 1: Kick out the bad, toxic traits that you have in your marriage.
• 32:09
  Speaker 1: Get some healthy tools.
• 32:11
  Speaker 1: Learn how to talk about and communicate really always comes down to communication and marriage doesn't have to be as hard.
• 32:17
  Speaker 2: Oh, it's beautiful baby, Beautiful Just.
• 32:19
  Speaker 2: I don't even have anything else to say after that.
• 32:22
  Speaker 2: So we hope you enjoyed the podcast and go check out the awesome products we have that your spouse is going to want for Christmas.
• 32:30
  Speaker 2: Don't get them a lame blanket or a pair of.
• 32:33
  Speaker 1: I love blanket pair of.
• 32:34
  Speaker 1: Shrek slippers or something like blankets.
• 32:36
  Speaker 1: You could get me a blanket, I'd be the happiest person alive.
• 32:39
  Speaker 2: Get Amy a blanket, but your spouse probably doesn't want another blanket, so go get them something they want at shopultimateintimacycom that's going to connect you to it's a win, win.
• 32:51
  Speaker 1: We do have deals going right now.
• 32:53
  Speaker 1: We've added a couple new products.
• 32:54
  Speaker 1: We have our holiday scratch cards that are really fun.
• 32:57
  Speaker 1: Your husband, if he's anything like Nick, he wants the romance, romance and sexy coupon book every single year.
• 33:05
  Speaker 2: Our deals.
• 33:06
  Speaker 2: This is my new tagline.
• 33:07
  Speaker 2: Our deals will help you seal the deal.
• 33:11
  Speaker 1: Wow, and exactly.
• 33:14
  Speaker 2: And we'll just stand on that.
• 33:15
  Speaker 2: So we hope all of you find ultimate intimacy until next time in your relationship.
• 33:23
  Speaker 2: Oops, I messed it up.