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The Boundary Mistake Parents Make With Adult Children with Dr Beth Long · ABCs of Parenting Adult Children

0:00
SPEAKER_01: So the most important thing in emotional regulation is to withdraw.
0:05
SPEAKER_01: And that is for a lot of us the hardest step because we feel like we have to handle things right then.
0:11
SPEAKER_01: So 99% of the time, things don't have to be handled in that moment.
0:16
SPEAKER_01: We we can say, excuse me, I gotta I gotta go to the bathroom or I need to go take a walk really fast.
0:21
SPEAKER_01: So so withdrawing so that we aren't immediately responding or reacting to the emotion.
0:26
SPEAKER_01: I I guess the right word would be so that I'm not reacting and I'm instead choosing to respond.
0:32
SPEAKER_01: And then one of my favorite things to do is write down all the crazy thoughts that I'm having and take a moment and cross out everything that's not true.
0:42
SPEAKER_01: Because I think a lot of things that are not true and I feel a lot of things that are not true.
0:47
SPEAKER_01: And so like withdrawing and then taking a moment to figure out exactly what truly matters, what is what is 100% being said, what is accurate, what is right.
0:59
SPEAKER_01: And so that is how we can come back and respond in an emotionally regulated way.
1:06
SPEAKER_00: There comes a moment in every parent's life when the role they've known for years begins to change.
1:12
SPEAKER_00: The children they once carried, guided, and protected become adults.
1:17
SPEAKER_00: And suddenly the questions become different.
1:20
SPEAKER_00: How do you stay connected without holding on too tightly?
1:23
SPEAKER_00: How do you continue loving well when relationships become complicated?
1:28
SPEAKER_00: And while every family is different, no parent should have to navigate these questions alone.
1:34
SPEAKER_00: Each week, James Moppet brings together experts and parents who have walked this road before to explore the realities of parenting adult children.
1:45
SPEAKER_00: Through honest conversation and practical wisdom, listeners find hope for the journey ahead.
1:51
SPEAKER_00: Whether your relationship is thriving, strained, or somewhere in between, there is hope, there is healing, and there is always the possibility of a stronger connection.
2:05
SPEAKER_00: ABCs of Parenting Adult Children.
2:08
SPEAKER_00: Helping parents navigate loving their adult sons and daughters well.
2:17
SPEAKER_03: Hello and welcome back to the ABCs of Parenting Adult Children.
2:20
SPEAKER_03: I'm your host, James Moffat.
2:22
SPEAKER_03: And today I'm joined by Dr.
2:24
SPEAKER_03: Beth Long, a gifted therapist, teacher, and guide for parents who are navigating the emotional complexity of raising adult children.
2:31
SPEAKER_03: We're talking about triggers, healing, boundaries, and grace and how God meets us in the places where our past and our parenting collide.
2:39
SPEAKER_03: Dr.
2:39
SPEAKER_03: Long, how are you?
2:40
SPEAKER_01: Great.
2:40
SPEAKER_01: How are you?
2:41
SPEAKER_01: Thank you so much for having me.
2:42
SPEAKER_03: Absolutely.
2:43
SPEAKER_03: Can I call you Dr.
2:44
SPEAKER_03: Beth or Beth?
2:45
SPEAKER_01: Beth is great.
2:46
SPEAKER_03: Beth is great.
2:47
SPEAKER_03: So, Dr.
2:47
SPEAKER_03: Beth, do me a favor and introduce yourself to the listening audience.
2:51
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
2:52
SPEAKER_01: I have a doctorate in counseling psychology, and I'm also a licensed professional counselor and what's called a board-certified behavior analyst.
3:01
SPEAKER_01: Uh, and those two fields don't necessarily go together.
3:05
SPEAKER_01: One is very mentalist, and one is very like based on what people think and feel, and the other one is very based on what people do.
3:14
SPEAKER_01: So I love blending those fields together because I think both are true.
3:19
SPEAKER_01: But I have I own a practice in Montgomery, Alabama that I've owned for six years, and we mainly work with children and families, but I have two adult children.
3:30
SPEAKER_01: So I'm navigating parenting adults, and I'm just gonna be honest with you, the last week with my adult son has been pretty rough rough.
3:38
SPEAKER_01: So I'm happy to share, but uh as much as I can and not hurt him in any way.
3:42
SPEAKER_01: But I I am a Christian, I want to do all things excellently into the glory of God, and my parenting definitely stretches that and challenges me in a lot of ways.
3:54
SPEAKER_03: Parenting is not for the weak of heart.
3:56
SPEAKER_01: No.
3:58
SPEAKER_03: It is parents, parenting is a tough job.
4:01
SPEAKER_03: I think if we could step back back into our previous selves before we said I do at the altar, right?
4:07
SPEAKER_03: Before we had children, I think we might we might have made a different decision.
4:11
SPEAKER_01: 100%.
4:13
SPEAKER_01: I think not doing it would have been so much easier.
4:17
SPEAKER_01: Uh it is quite the refining process.
4:19
SPEAKER_03: Absolutely.
4:20
SPEAKER_03: I appreciate you sharing your faith because I I am a Christian as well.
4:25
SPEAKER_03: I don't preach to the audience, and I don't, I try not to proselyze or shove my faith down anybody, but I don't I also don't hide my faith either.
4:34
SPEAKER_03: And I'm I encourage people to no matter who their God is or what faith they have, I encourage people to have some sort of faith, some sort of higher power that they can depend on and go to in times of of stress and trouble, right?
4:48
SPEAKER_02: Yes, yes.
4:49
SPEAKER_03: So did you tell us about tell tell us about you told us about your professional side.
4:54
SPEAKER_03: Tell us about your personal side.
4:55
SPEAKER_03: Who throw away the resume and tell us about yourself.
4:59
SPEAKER_01: So I have been married to my amazing husband who was active duty military for 27 years, and we lived about 19 of those years all over the country, and that was amazing and wonderful.
5:13
SPEAKER_01: And I have two biological children who are uh about to turn 25 and 23.
5:19
SPEAKER_01: And my daughter is getting married this year.
5:21
SPEAKER_01: I'm so excited in four weeks, I think.
5:23
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
5:24
SPEAKER_01: And my son, you know, it's he's amazing.
5:27
SPEAKER_01: He's wonderful, but he is is challenging me a little bit right now, and he's I'm probably challenging him a little bit right now.
5:34
SPEAKER_03: How old is how old is he?
5:36
SPEAKER_01: He's the one that's turning 25.
5:37
SPEAKER_01: He turns 25.
5:38
SPEAKER_03: Okay.
5:39
SPEAKER_03: I got you.
5:40
SPEAKER_01: And and we have also been foster parents.
5:43
SPEAKER_01: So we've had a lot of children in and out of out of our house in our lives, and that's been fun and challenging.
5:49
SPEAKER_03: So, Dr.
5:50
SPEAKER_03: Beth, uh, many parents don't realize how much their children or their childhood shapes the way they respond to their adult children.
5:57
SPEAKER_03: What patterns from your own story did you begin to recognize once you became a parent?
6:02
SPEAKER_01: That is a beautiful, amazing, wonderful question.
6:05
SPEAKER_01: I would say I had no idea how much of an approval addict I was until I became a parent.
6:15
SPEAKER_01: And I and I I don't think that I mean, I did grow up in a home where our performance was very important.
6:22
SPEAKER_01: How we made my parents look was very important.
6:25
SPEAKER_01: I d I don't think that was what they wanted us to take on, but that is what I took on.
6:32
SPEAKER_01: And I carried that with me into into parenting and and I really I was very I have a son who's on the autism spectrum.
6:40
SPEAKER_01: And so it was very, very quickly that I realized he's different, you know, and like he thinks differently and he does things differently.
6:48
SPEAKER_01: But it also made me realize how much I wanted everyone around me to think that I was a good mother and that I was doing things right.
6:55
SPEAKER_01: And so parenting really shined a spotlight on my approval addiction.
7:02
SPEAKER_03: So what helped you identify the difference between a trigger from the past and a real issue in the present with your adult children?
7:09
SPEAKER_01: With my adult children?
7:11
SPEAKER_03: Or or they could be teenagers, you know.
7:13
SPEAKER_03: You can think back to when they were, you know, teenagers or young adults, either either way.
7:18
SPEAKER_01: I think any time, honestly, across their lifespan growing up.
7:23
SPEAKER_01: I and I would say it was definitely a trigger more, but where I would say, you need to do this.
7:30
SPEAKER_01: And and I know that's not healthy.
7:32
SPEAKER_01: They're they're completely separate people from me.
7:34
SPEAKER_01: They have their own lives, they have their own desires, they have their own dreams, but that was a triggering response to me.
7:40
SPEAKER_01: Like, how how dare you think differently than I do about this?
7:45
SPEAKER_01: That was so that to me was a trigger versus what I know is healthy is that we're different people and we have different different approaches to problems.
7:54
SPEAKER_01: So that that's probably how I identified a trigger.
7:57
SPEAKER_03: Right.
7:58
SPEAKER_03: So I think the thing I'm looking for here is is that how can parents recognize that the way they're reacting to an a situation is more of a trigger from their past versus what's really happening in front of them.
8:12
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
8:13
SPEAKER_01: Um, do you want me to just restate the whole thing or start back from the how you're you're fine, however you want to answer it?
8:20
SPEAKER_01: I think the the easiest way to recognize a trigger is to ask yourself, am I responding from fear?
8:26
SPEAKER_01: Whatever your response to fear is, right?
8:29
SPEAKER_01: Some people get angry, some people get controlling, some people hide under a rock.
8:33
SPEAKER_01: We all have different responses to fear, but recognizing that you are reacting to fear is that is the easiest and healthiest way to notice a trigger.
8:46
SPEAKER_03: Okay.
8:46
SPEAKER_03: So this question is kind of in line with that.
8:50
SPEAKER_03: Says when an adult child triggers something deep in us, i.e.
8:54
SPEAKER_03: fear, shame, anger, abandonment, what's the first healthy step a parent can take?
9:00
SPEAKER_01: The first healthy step is to be 100% mindful.
9:04
SPEAKER_01: So if I if I know that those feelings of shame or fear are trick are triggered, then to go, what what is happening in this present moment?
9:17
SPEAKER_01: Not what is happening in my body that I may have experienced 20 years ago or 50 years ago.
9:23
SPEAKER_01: What is happening in this present moment that truly matters?
9:27
SPEAKER_01: So being 100% mindful.
9:30
SPEAKER_01: And then when we're 100% mindful, we're we're able to kind of release those feelings that we're that are either I personally am an external processor, so they just pour out of me.
9:42
SPEAKER_01: But I know some people stuff them down.
9:45
SPEAKER_01: So so we're able to release those and go, okay, what is the what is the best thing I can do in the present moment for the situation or my children or me.
9:54
SPEAKER_03: So maybe not maybe we should be careful about uh reacting emotionally.
9:58
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
9:59
SPEAKER_03: And blowing up, like dads like to do.
10:01
unknown: Yes.
10:01
SPEAKER_03: What you did what?
10:02
SPEAKER_03: Blah you know.
10:03
SPEAKER_03: Yes, yes.
10:04
SPEAKER_03: I think that's all part of you know, understanding emotional intelligence and all of that.
10:09
SPEAKER_03: And in understanding how what's within us, you know, what makes us tick.
10:14
SPEAKER_01: Yes, yes, yes, yes.
10:16
SPEAKER_01: Let me give you uh like a like a s example of my daughter is very creative.
10:21
SPEAKER_01: I am not created.
10:22
SPEAKER_01: And like I told you, parenting helped me realize how much of an approval addict I was.
10:27
SPEAKER_01: She had very, very different outside of the box wedding invitations.
10:32
SPEAKER_01: But the first time she told me about them, I almost reacted.
10:37
SPEAKER_01: I I got really upset and annoyed, honestly.
10:40
SPEAKER_01: And I almost said, What are you that's crazy.
10:44
SPEAKER_01: Why are you gonna do that?
10:45
SPEAKER_01: And thank God I was I was quiet.
10:47
SPEAKER_01: And and then I just kind of let her it to me it felt like rejection of things we had done in the past or um you know, like traditions.
10:57
SPEAKER_01: It felt like reject rejection of traditions.
10:59
SPEAKER_01: And so I could have made a big I could have made a big deal about it.
11:02
SPEAKER_01: Like, oh, that's disrespectful.
11:04
SPEAKER_01: But but the truth is she's just creative and she thinks outside the box and that's great.
11:08
SPEAKER_01: But I didn't always keep my mouth shut because when I finally saw the invitation, I did say some things.
11:13
SPEAKER_01: And but yeah, just just truly going, what what actually is real here?
11:19
SPEAKER_01: All that's real is she wants a different wedding invitation.
11:23
SPEAKER_01: That's it.
11:23
SPEAKER_01: It has no other meaning.
11:25
SPEAKER_01: It's not disrespectful, it's not it's not a rejection of my of me.
11:29
SPEAKER_01: And that I think that's where we go wrong, right?
11:31
SPEAKER_01: When we when we feel those emotions and we overreact to them.
11:34
SPEAKER_01: We am we make assumptions and we imply meaning that aren't necessarily there.
11:38
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, one of the things that we talk about a lot on the podcast during several conversations is that parents have a vision for who they think or want their children to become.
11:49
SPEAKER_03: Like my dad was a TV man in Quinlan, Texas.
11:51
SPEAKER_03: He worked hard.
11:52
SPEAKER_03: You know, he retired from the military.
11:54
SPEAKER_03: He worked at Terrell State Hospital as a TV man, he went to East Texas State University and got his college degree.
12:02
SPEAKER_03: He was in his 40s, you know, went back to college.
12:04
SPEAKER_03: And he wanted to give me his business.
12:07
SPEAKER_03: He wanted to give me his TV shop that was out in the backyard.
12:10
SPEAKER_03: And it was like, that was the furthest thing from my interest.
12:13
SPEAKER_03: I could have been on the other side of Pluto and I'd be like, what?
12:17
SPEAKER_03: No, I don't want to be a TV man.
12:19
SPEAKER_03: Are you kidding me?
12:21
SPEAKER_03: But, you know, and I and I think parents, you know, we have dreams and visions and expectations for our children, and we want the best for them.
12:28
SPEAKER_03: We want them to be happy and healthy, and we we we have this picture in our minds of what that person is going to be when they grow up.
12:37
SPEAKER_03: And guess what?
12:38
SPEAKER_03: Sometimes that's the polar opposite of what happens.
12:41
SPEAKER_03: And and yeah, you know, you're you know, what's important with your daughter's invitations is that that she's happy.
12:46
SPEAKER_03: And that's those those invitations reflect her values and her mindset and who she is as a creative, right?
12:54
SPEAKER_03: And well, you did the right thing.
12:56
SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
12:57
SPEAKER_01: Lots of other times in this.
12:58
SPEAKER_01: I did not keep my mouth shut.
13:00
SPEAKER_01: I was not mindful.
15:59
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, it's tough.
16:01
SPEAKER_03: Some sometimes they come off the wall and do things and say things, and you're like, Yeah.
16:07
SPEAKER_03: I don't get it.
16:08
SPEAKER_03: So you talk a lot about emotional regulation.
16:10
SPEAKER_03: What does it look like for a parent to regulate themselves before responding to their adult child?
16:16
SPEAKER_01: So the most important thing in emotional regulation is to withdraw.
16:22
SPEAKER_01: And that is for a lot of us the hardest step because we feel like we have to handle things right then.
16:28
SPEAKER_01: So 99% of the time, things don't have to be handled in that moment.
16:33
SPEAKER_01: We we can say, excuse me, I gotta, I gotta go to the bathroom or I need to go take a walk really fast.
16:38
SPEAKER_01: So, so withdrawing so that we aren't immediately responding or reacting to the emotion.
16:43
SPEAKER_01: I I guess the right word would be so that I'm not reacting and I'm instead choosing to respond.
16:49
SPEAKER_01: And then one of my favorite things to do is write down all the crazy thoughts that I'm having and take a moment and cross out everything that's not true.
16:58
SPEAKER_01: Because I think a lot of things that are not true and I feel a lot of things that are not true.
17:04
SPEAKER_01: And so, like withdrawing and then taking a moment to figure out exactly what truly matters, what is what is 100% being said, what is accurate, what is right.
17:15
SPEAKER_01: Um so that is how we can come back and respond in an emotionally regulated way.
17:23
SPEAKER_01: And and even if I even if the response is, can you help me better understand?
17:28
SPEAKER_01: I always try my hardest to be curious instead of judgmental or critical.
17:33
SPEAKER_01: I fail a lot, but that's always my goal.
17:36
SPEAKER_01: But step one is withdraw.
17:38
SPEAKER_01: Step two is figure out what's true, and then step three is how can I be curious?
17:43
SPEAKER_03: So I think there are varying degrees of that.
17:45
SPEAKER_03: Like there's there, there are, you know, we interact with our children, we talk to them, we tell them about our day, they tell us about their day at school, whatever.
17:53
SPEAKER_03: And so there are subtle, there's subtleties, right?
17:56
SPEAKER_03: And so there's a spectrum between subtleties is over here and just off the chart crazy over here, right?
18:03
SPEAKER_03: And so sometimes when these are subtle changes or subtle experiences in our interactions with our children, then it's a little easier for us to be emotionally regulated.
18:13
SPEAKER_03: But but when they come to you and go, mom, dad, I'm gay, right?
18:17
SPEAKER_03: And you you have a traditional family, you know, and and you might be Christians, you might not be, maybe some other religion or whatever.
18:25
SPEAKER_03: But when they say that, it's a shock to the system, right?
18:28
SPEAKER_03: Some parents are like, What?
18:30
SPEAKER_02: Yes.
18:31
SPEAKER_03: What are you what are you saying to me?
18:33
SPEAKER_03: You know, or they just they just like storm out of the room because they can't they don't know how to to respond to that, you know.
18:40
SPEAKER_03: And so so that's when that's when having you know emotional intelligence and and understanding how you might respond in that situation and figuring out and and I love how I love what you said about being curious and asking the asking them the question.
18:58
SPEAKER_03: What did you say?
18:59
SPEAKER_03: What did you say?
18:59
SPEAKER_03: You asked them, what do you mean?
19:01
SPEAKER_01: Or what did you mean when you said that?
19:03
SPEAKER_01: Help me better understand.
19:05
SPEAKER_03: That, that right there.
19:07
SPEAKER_03: Help me to better understand.
19:08
SPEAKER_03: Mom, dad, I'm gay.
19:10
SPEAKER_03: Well, help me to understand how how did you get there?
19:13
SPEAKER_02: Right, truly.
19:15
SPEAKER_02: Truly, yeah.
19:16
SPEAKER_03: Help me, help me understand.
19:17
SPEAKER_03: I want to understand.
19:19
SPEAKER_02: Mm-hmm.
19:19
SPEAKER_03: And go ahead.
19:21
SPEAKER_03: I was I was gonna tell you another story.
19:23
SPEAKER_03: I my wife and I in 2015, we had two children, two two teenagers living at home, 16, 17 years old, something, something along that line.
19:32
SPEAKER_03: And my wife and I were in the kitchen cooking at hamburger helper, I don't know, whatever it was.
19:36
SPEAKER_03: We're standing over the stove, talking about her day, and I saw my daughter walk into the kitchen, and she was to my left, and I kind of in my peripheral vision, I noticed she walked in, and I kind of noticed some something purple.
19:47
SPEAKER_03: And and I kind of looked over at her and said, Hey, hey, KL.
19:50
SPEAKER_03: I'll use her initials, her initials.
19:52
SPEAKER_03: I said, Hey, KL, how's your day?
19:54
SPEAKER_03: And I saw half of her head was bald, half of her head was purple.
19:57
SPEAKER_03: She had all her hair, but it was purple.
20:00
SPEAKER_03: And the the inner voice in me was like, What in the world are you doing?
20:04
SPEAKER_03: What what is this?
20:06
SPEAKER_03: What you know, dad was like, I I don't understand.
20:10
SPEAKER_03: Help me understand.
20:11
SPEAKER_03: But I I I did not respond to her.
20:14
SPEAKER_03: Uh we continued our conversation and I looked back at her and I was like, so what's going on with this purple hair?
20:21
SPEAKER_03: And I didn't blow up, I didn't, I didn't react emotionally too much to it, you know.
20:26
SPEAKER_03: I was like, what's what's going on today?
20:28
SPEAKER_03: You know, and she just was, I guess she was just trying to, you know, autonomy, trying to be her own individual self, you know, whatever it is that teenagers go through.
20:37
SPEAKER_03: You could probably verbalize that stage better than I can.
20:41
SPEAKER_03: But luckily, in that, in that instance, I didn't blow it.
20:45
SPEAKER_03: There were plenty of other instances that I blew it, but in that instance, I was able to keep my cool and and and not stick my foot in my mouth.
20:54
SPEAKER_03: Many parents struggle with letting go of expectations, how their adult child should behave, believe, or live.
21:02
SPEAKER_03: How can a parent release control without feeling like they're abandoning their child?
21:07
SPEAKER_01: That is such a deep question, and that is my current struggle with my son.
21:12
SPEAKER_01: I'm I'm not done wrestling through it, but this is where I am right now.
21:17
SPEAKER_01: I think when character is at stake, that that that's when we should lean in more.
21:24
SPEAKER_01: But I think we have to lean in as a cheerleader, as a as a I care about you, I love you, I I want what's best for you.
21:33
SPEAKER_01: But if it's not a character issue, if it is like my my son did something that was very selfish and unkind.
21:41
SPEAKER_01: So that to me is character, right?
21:44
SPEAKER_01: On the flip side, if he ch if he chose a different job, if he picked an apartment I didn't like or or any of that stuff, that's when we just go, Okay, that's great.
21:53
SPEAKER_01: That's wonderful, whatever you want to do.
21:55
SPEAKER_01: I mean, uh there are times where I I think parents have to pull back and not not financially support issues or s or things like that.
22:03
SPEAKER_01: But that's totally a separate topic.
22:05
SPEAKER_01: But but I feel like in this balance of parenting adult children, where do you draw the line?
22:11
SPEAKER_01: That's the hardest part for me.
22:13
SPEAKER_01: I think that's the hardest part for most people is when am I silent and when do I lean in.
22:18
SPEAKER_01: And I but so for me, I'm at the I'm I'm leaning on the side of character issues because I would talk to a friend about that.
22:27
SPEAKER_01: I would talk to a peer about that.
22:29
SPEAKER_01: So I I think that's still fair.
22:31
SPEAKER_01: I think we have to have the conversation wisely and delicately, but I th I think that's still fair.
22:37
SPEAKER_01: Everything else we just have to learn to let go, but it's hard.
22:40
SPEAKER_01: It's hard to let go.
22:41
SPEAKER_03: Right.
22:41
SPEAKER_03: And so one of the things that we talk about on the podcast is that is that as as teenagers are transitioning into a young adult, parents are also supposed to be transitioning from the parent-child relationship to that of a mentor and a support person.
22:57
SPEAKER_02: Yes.
22:58
SPEAKER_03: Right.
22:58
SPEAKER_03: And so your so your responsibilities as a parent, they transition and they change, right?
23:04
SPEAKER_03: And that's what part of this that's part of this question that's so tough.
23:08
SPEAKER_03: How can a parent release control without feeling like they're abandoning their child?
23:13
SPEAKER_03: Or we could say abandoning, you know, fill in the blank, abandoning your traditions, your your morality, your religion, your politics, you know, whatever it is.
23:25
SPEAKER_03: Because our adult children, just like when they were teenagers, they challenge our belief systems in a lot of ways.
23:31
SPEAKER_02: Yes.
23:32
SPEAKER_03: Right?
23:33
SPEAKER_02: Yes.
23:33
SPEAKER_03: And and we we have to we have to figure out a way to to find a balance.
23:41
SPEAKER_03: We have to strike a a healthy balance with holding on to our identity and who we are as people, right?
23:47
SPEAKER_03: And as it has who we the things that we taught our children as they were growing up, you know, and then and then then you have to kind of hold that in check and go, okay, well, it appears that they're just throwing all of that into the garbage and they're going a different direction.
24:04
SPEAKER_03: And you're the the inner child in you is going, What?
24:08
SPEAKER_03: I spent 18 years teaching you something completely different than what you are showing me now, or going out into the and they're becoming adults, they're becoming their own people, right?
24:18
SPEAKER_03: They're becoming who they are going to be in the world, you know, and all we can hope for is that they're, you know, happy and healthy and productive and law-abiding and you know, God-fearing and all of that.
24:29
SPEAKER_03: We have we have those hopes and aspirations.
24:32
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
24:32
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
24:33
SPEAKER_03: Sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't.
24:35
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
24:35
SPEAKER_01: Right.
24:35
SPEAKER_01: And sometimes it takes 20 years to work out.
24:39
SPEAKER_03: Sure.
24:39
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, absolutely.
24:41
SPEAKER_01: Like so they're 18, and then you got you got to wait another 20 to see the beauty of how it worked out.
24:47
SPEAKER_03: Well, and and we all know that uh between the ages of 18 and 26, our adult children, their frontal lobes don't they don't develop fully until like they're 27.
24:57
SPEAKER_03: Six, twenty-seven years old.
24:58
SPEAKER_03: Exactly.
24:59
SPEAKER_03: And the female gender seems to mature much faster than the male gender.
25:03
SPEAKER_03: And we know that because our car insurance is four times as much for the young boys and young men than for the girls, because insurance agents know that boy's going to get in that car and wrap it around a telephone pole as sure as the sun sets from the east and the west, right?
25:17
SPEAKER_02: Yes, yes.
25:18
SPEAKER_03: And so that's why our insurance rates go through the roof for our young men.
25:21
SPEAKER_03: But um, but yeah, it's like you said, to not only give ourselves some grace, but we have to extend grace to them because guess what?
25:30
SPEAKER_03: We weren't adults all our lives either.
25:33
SPEAKER_03: You know, we were teenage, young kids, teenagers, young adults.
25:36
SPEAKER_03: Just think about the grief we gave our parents, right?
25:39
SPEAKER_02: So much.
25:40
SPEAKER_03: So much.
25:41
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
25:41
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
25:42
SPEAKER_03: What does a healthy boundary look like between a parent and an adult child, especially when the relationship has been strained?
25:49
SPEAKER_01: It's I love this.
25:51
SPEAKER_01: This is Henry Cloud.
25:52
SPEAKER_01: He's the he's kind of the first one who said it in the book Boundaries, but I love to think of boundaries as a fence.
25:58
SPEAKER_01: So they are, you know, how I'm keeping myself and you safe on around our fence.
26:06
SPEAKER_01: And then the other thing about a boundary is that that's many people so often misunderstand is we can only control what we are going to do.
26:16
SPEAKER_01: So if I set a boundary, it is only in regards to how I will respond.
26:22
SPEAKER_01: A lot of people set a boundary dictating what another person will do, that you can't do that.
26:28
SPEAKER_01: That's not a healthy boundary.
26:29
SPEAKER_01: So, so uh, you know, if if a relationship is strained, especially with, you know, the younger 18 to 26 year olds, that that ability to say, if you choose to do that, I will not continue financial support.
26:46
SPEAKER_01: Or if you if you choose to drink excessively, I will not allow you to the family Christmas.
26:54
SPEAKER_01: Or you know what I mean?
26:55
SPEAKER_01: Just like set setting a very clear boundary of what you will do.
26:59
SPEAKER_01: And I I do think boundaries get so unhealthy when we believe that they're about dictating what other people will do.
27:05
SPEAKER_03: So what you're saying is is boundaries is not about controlling another person.
27:09
SPEAKER_02: No.
27:10
SPEAKER_02: Even though we want them to be sometimes, that is not the way they work.
27:13
SPEAKER_03: Right.
27:14
SPEAKER_03: So, so I'll just tell you about some of the boundaries I had with my young adults when they were still living at home.
27:20
SPEAKER_03: Excuse me.
27:21
SPEAKER_03: Or they would, or they would, you know, they'd go out on their own and they'd boomerang back because it's just so expensive to live and all of that.
27:29
SPEAKER_03: Like I told my I told my my kids, I said, you know, we work nine to five Monday through Friday, and I lock the doors and I turn on the s the security alarm at eleven o'clock at night.
27:40
SPEAKER_03: And so if you're going to be at home, if you want to sleep in your bed here in our home, you need to be home before eleven o'clock.
27:46
SPEAKER_03: And well, it was kind of a security issue with us, right?
27:50
SPEAKER_03: And we wanted to know that that uh we could go to sleep and not worry about it, right?
27:55
SPEAKER_03: And we also said, hey, if you're gonna be out at night, if you're gonna go couch surfing or whatever, just let us know where you're gonna be so that we'll have the peace of night mind knowing that you're you're safe.
28:05
SPEAKER_03: Don't don't just disappear and not call and and have us up half a night worrying.
28:11
SPEAKER_03: Would you say that that was a a constructive or healthy boundary?
28:17
SPEAKER_01: Well, you know, the first one is the the first side of that is you were controlling what you were gonna do, right?
28:22
SPEAKER_01: You were saying we will do this.
28:24
SPEAKER_01: The second one is not truly a boundary, that was just a a request.
28:28
SPEAKER_01: That was a request for them to be respectful so that we are not up late.
28:32
SPEAKER_01: But but you know, I hope and I hope they respected that, but it was a request.
28:38
SPEAKER_01: And so right, it's like that the that little tiny nuance understanding which one is which, you know.
28:44
SPEAKER_01: If if if you don't call me and let me know, then you know, whatever, XYZ.
28:50
SPEAKER_01: That that could be a lot of people.
28:51
SPEAKER_03: Then we're gonna warn then your mother's gonna worry for half the night.
28:54
SPEAKER_01: Mm-hmm.
28:55
SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
28:55
SPEAKER_01: Right, which would have been the truth.
28:57
SPEAKER_01: And so hopefully then they would respect that.
28:59
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
29:00
SPEAKER_03: So let's talk about repairing strained relationships.
29:02
SPEAKER_03: For parents who feel like they've messed up or caused hurt in the past, what does repair look like?
29:08
SPEAKER_03: How can they begin rebuilding trust with an adult child?
29:11
SPEAKER_01: So uh, you know, there is such a a big echo epidemic of this right now.
29:15
SPEAKER_01: I and and I get to see in my counseling practice, I get to see both both sides.
29:21
SPEAKER_01: So when I listen to adult children or older teens, there is some truth to what they're say, what they say, but there's also some immaturity to what they say.
29:30
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
29:30
SPEAKER_01: And and because it's I'm not emotionally involved, it's it's easy for me to see that clearly.
29:36
SPEAKER_01: With my own children, it's much harder because I'm emotionally involved.
29:38
SPEAKER_01: But so I would say the biggest part of repair is listening, validating, and apologizing for what you did wrong and staying focused on what you did wrong.
29:50
SPEAKER_01: It's very hard to repair a relationship if you're focused on what the other person did wrong.
29:57
SPEAKER_01: And that I and I I don't know anybody who does it perfectly.
30:00
SPEAKER_01: That is so hard.
30:01
SPEAKER_01: But if you truly want to repair a relationship, that's that's the like listening to other person, hearing exactly what they're saying and then validating how they feel.
30:11
SPEAKER_01: Just because you're validating how they feel doesn't mean that you're validating that they're 100% correct.
30:17
SPEAKER_01: But but we always want to like jump in there and prove that, but you're not correct.
30:21
SPEAKER_01: Just validate how they feel.
30:23
SPEAKER_01: Their their feelings are real and own what is yours, apologize for it, and discuss how you're gonna fix it or not let it happen again.
30:30
SPEAKER_01: I I did see as I was in part of a uh of a reconciliation therapy appointment and it just broke my heart to watch.
30:38
SPEAKER_01: But the the adult son, any much older son in his late 40s, the adult son, the the parents had kind of taken some liberties with their children that they should not have taken.
30:48
SPEAKER_01: They weren't abusive or anything, but but it was contrary to what they wanted uh their grandparents to do.
30:55
SPEAKER_01: So they were having conflict and the and the son was saying, You broke this rule that we gave you.
31:02
SPEAKER_01: We can't trust you to be alone with our children.
31:05
SPEAKER_01: And the parents were going, I'm really concerned about how disrespectful your tone is right now.
31:10
SPEAKER_01: That they were just missing the boat completely.
31:13
SPEAKER_01: And that was one of the most obvious examples I've seen of that.
31:16
SPEAKER_01: But I do feel like we all do that some.
31:19
SPEAKER_01: Somebody is confronting us with a very straightforward topic, and we're caught up in, but I don't like your tone.
31:25
SPEAKER_01: I don't like you the way you're wording it.
31:27
SPEAKER_01: I don't, I don't like how you know how you're coming across to me.
31:30
SPEAKER_01: So staying focused on the problem.
31:32
SPEAKER_03: Right.
31:32
SPEAKER_03: Well, I will venture to say that the parents probably didn't think they did anything wrong.
31:37
SPEAKER_01: They did not.
31:38
SPEAKER_01: They did not at all.
31:40
SPEAKER_01: The grandparents truly didn't see it.
31:44
SPEAKER_01: And then the the younger generation, the parents, they I I think they would have been w willing to reconcile if the grandparents could have at least seen what they did wrong.
31:53
SPEAKER_03: Right.
31:54
SPEAKER_03: So they just completely ignored what they were saying and yeah, that's tough.
31:58
SPEAKER_03: So we have to, we have to we have to listen to what people are saying and and take ownership of it, right?
32:05
SPEAKER_03: I mean, the parents have a right to dictate what does and does not happen with their children, you know.
32:13
SPEAKER_03: And while the grandparents may not appreciate that or agree with that, you know, they they violated the trust that that parent gave them, right?
32:22
SPEAKER_03: Your your children are precious.
32:23
SPEAKER_03: You know, they're they you don't they don't belong to you, they belong to God, but they are your most precious resource and you want the best for them.
32:31
SPEAKER_03: And and whether you're right or wrong, you have the right as a parent to say, hey, while while little Johnny's at your house, please don't feed him ice cream nonstop for 12 hours, you know, or whatever.
32:43
SPEAKER_03: That's a ridiculous analogy, but you know, so how has God's grace shaped the way you show up as a parent?
32:49
SPEAKER_03: And how can parents extend that same grace to themselves and their adult children?
32:54
SPEAKER_01: God's grace, right?
32:56
SPEAKER_01: It's it it is this beautiful, amazing, wonderful mystery that I that I contemplate all the time, and I still can't begin to wrap my brain around it.
33:05
SPEAKER_01: It I I am very aware that the only reason I have changed, the only reason I have become a a better person is because God loved me into it and he poured out his grace and mercy on me.
33:20
SPEAKER_01: And I come from a very old school punishment, punishment, punishment background.
33:26
SPEAKER_01: That's how I was raised.
33:27
SPEAKER_01: And in my natural flesh, I I lend towards that.
33:30
SPEAKER_01: And so I always want to think about consequences.
33:33
SPEAKER_01: But and and there have been consequences for my own behavior, and God has said, well, you know, you're gonna have to walk that road.
33:40
SPEAKER_01: And and it has been a part of the refining process.
33:42
SPEAKER_01: I've also had to walk through hard things that had nothing to do with me, right?
33:45
SPEAKER_01: It's just sort of being on this earth.
33:48
SPEAKER_01: But constantly remembering I am transformed because of the love and grace of God.
33:54
SPEAKER_01: I have to be that loving and pour out that much grace on my children, even when they don't deserve it.
34:01
SPEAKER_01: And that's that's why we have mercy.
34:03
SPEAKER_01: So, but that's hard.
34:04
SPEAKER_01: That's hard, but I kind of think that's the only way you can do adult children because they're just not gonna come around if you if you do it differently, you know.
34:12
SPEAKER_03: So speaking of that, I'm I'm doing a video series on parenting adult children podcast.
34:17
SPEAKER_03: Uh I'm into my sixth episode, but it's called Children of the Seventies.
34:21
SPEAKER_03: So I'm a baby boomer, I turned 65 this year, and I was a child of the 70s.
34:25
SPEAKER_03: And uh wow, I I didn't I didn't have a good childhood.
34:29
SPEAKER_03: I'm here to tell you.
34:30
SPEAKER_03: And uh it's been very therapeutic going down memory lane and thinking about all of that, right?
34:36
SPEAKER_03: And and you know, between the ages of 18 and 26, I was a dumpster fire.
34:41
SPEAKER_03: And one of the reasons I was a dumpster fire, it's a natural occurrence, right?
34:45
SPEAKER_03: And I think I think some young adults go through it worse than others.
34:49
SPEAKER_03: Well, I was I was very angry and very prideful, and I wanted to do my own thing, and I didn't want to listen to my parents at all.
34:57
SPEAKER_03: You know, my parents weren't monsters, but they certainly did some wrong things, right?
35:01
SPEAKER_03: And I was angry about that.
35:03
SPEAKER_03: And I became a Christian when I was 17, and I didn't fully understand what it meant to have a relationship with God.
35:11
SPEAKER_03: I didn't fully understand all of that.
35:13
SPEAKER_03: Well, God got my attention, right?
35:16
SPEAKER_03: And I wound up in a I wound up in a uh street rescue mission in Houston, Texas when I was about 19, 20 years old.
35:23
SPEAKER_03: And I kept having to go listen to the gospel message.
35:26
SPEAKER_03: And, you know, they they made you go to the church service before you could eat, before they'd let you go to bed, before they let you go out to work the next morning.
35:33
SPEAKER_03: And I kept asking, I kept asking God, I'm like, I've got my go to heaven card right here in my pocket.
35:39
SPEAKER_03: I got my little salvation card.
35:41
SPEAKER_03: I understand the gospel.
35:42
SPEAKER_03: I understand that Jesus died on the cross for my sins of mankind, you know, past, present, and future.
35:48
SPEAKER_03: I under I understand all of that.
35:50
SPEAKER_03: Why me?
35:50
SPEAKER_03: Why is why are all these things happening to me?
35:53
SPEAKER_03: I lost my job, lost my place to live, lost my car, my parents were talking to me, I wasn't talking to them.
35:59
SPEAKER_03: And so God said, It's not what you've done, it's what you haven't done.
36:06
SPEAKER_03: And I was like, What?
36:07
SPEAKER_03: What do you mean?
36:07
SPEAKER_03: And he said, I I I wrote your name down in the Lamb's book of life.
36:12
SPEAKER_03: I saved you.
36:14
SPEAKER_03: I have a purpose for your life.
36:16
SPEAKER_03: And it was like such an epiphany for me as a young man, right?
36:19
SPEAKER_03: And so God did a He restored me, you know, His grace, His mercy, His love, His compassion, all of these, you know, what does the Bible say?
36:28
SPEAKER_03: It says, I'll take that stony heart out of you and I'll replace it with a heart of flesh, right?
36:33
SPEAKER_03: And so I was not able to uh forgive my parents of all the things that they did or did not do in the 70s.
36:41
SPEAKER_03: I wasn't able to forgive them until I was able to to come face to face with God's forgiveness, right?
36:47
SPEAKER_03: And so, so that's that's very powerful.
36:50
SPEAKER_03: It's a very powerful lesson for for us as parents to learn and to to as believers in Jesus, right?
36:59
SPEAKER_03: We we come face with that.
37:00
SPEAKER_03: Every day you wake up, you're like, oh, thank you for another day.
37:03
SPEAKER_03: Thank you for forgiving me.
37:05
SPEAKER_03: Thank you for putting my feet on the right path.
37:07
SPEAKER_03: Thank you for filling me with your love and your grace and your mercy and your word and all of this stuff, right?
37:14
SPEAKER_03: And so as a parent, when you have those tools, you you can't help but you can't help but reflect that back on your other relationships.
37:22
SPEAKER_03: And it's hard.
37:23
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, it's not, you know, we're not perfect people.
37:25
SPEAKER_03: And you know, sometimes God has to grab our attention from time to time and go, hey, wait a minute.
37:30
SPEAKER_03: You're wandering off the path.
37:31
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
37:31
SPEAKER_03: So yes, that's that's uh that's wonderful.
37:34
SPEAKER_03: So Dr.
37:34
SPEAKER_03: Beth, if you had five minutes, three to five minutes to talk to the parents that are listening today, what would you what how would you encourage them or what would you tell them?
37:44
SPEAKER_01: I think, first of all, let me just validate this is a hard, hard season of parenting.
37:50
SPEAKER_01: Nobody prepared me for how hard this season of parenting was.
37:55
SPEAKER_01: Everybody kind of acted like, oh, it's great, it's over.
37:58
SPEAKER_01: No, this is let's just validate it's hard.
38:00
SPEAKER_01: It's so hard.
38:01
SPEAKER_01: The the second thing is is never too late.
38:05
SPEAKER_01: Is never too late.
38:06
SPEAKER_01: So, so if you're not in a great relationship with your child right now, do not give up hope.
38:10
SPEAKER_01: It does not mean you're not going to be in a great relationship with your child.
38:14
SPEAKER_01: I I think at this stage, we have to be quiet and listen more.
38:19
SPEAKER_01: Even if we don't agree with what people are saying, especially our children are saying, and their their memories are their memories and their opinions are their opinions, and they have really strong opinions without a lot of life behind it.
38:33
SPEAKER_01: And so you have to just be silent a lot more than you want to.
38:37
SPEAKER_01: But but if you're silent and you listen, I have a grandmother who she is my favorite person on this earth, and she is very close to the end, but she has a she's had a trach tube for about 50 years and it hurts her to speak.
38:50
SPEAKER_01: And she is my favorite person on earth because she is, she truly listens to me.
38:56
SPEAKER_01: And I look back on all the things I've said to her over the years, and I think she she probably wanted to jump in and correct me or tell me what I was doing wrong or all those things, but it hurt her, and so she was silent a lot.
39:09
SPEAKER_01: And what I remember most is that Maya Angelou quote, people won't remember what you do or say, but they will remember how you made them feel.
39:16
SPEAKER_01: And my grandmother makes me feel heard and loved.
39:20
SPEAKER_01: And if if we could do that for our adult children better, make them feel heard and loved, that's the the found the the beautiful foundation of a great relationship in this season of life.
39:33
SPEAKER_01: And then once they know they're heard, hopefully they hopefully they will be listened, able to listen and to hear us more.
39:41
SPEAKER_01: But I think we focus more on being heard than we do on hearing.
39:45
SPEAKER_01: And so if we can transition into that.
39:47
SPEAKER_01: And once again, that doesn't mean that we agree with what they say.
39:50
SPEAKER_01: Right.
39:50
SPEAKER_01: Because what they say is crazy sometimes, but they will remember how we make them feel.
39:55
SPEAKER_03: And after all, it's their life, right?
39:57
SPEAKER_01: And it's their life, and that nothing is harder than watching your child walk into a dumpster fire and and not listen to a word.
40:08
SPEAKER_03: They don't they don't just walk into a dumpster fire, they become one.
40:11
SPEAKER_02: They do, they do.
40:12
SPEAKER_02: And sometimes you're just watching them pour the lighter fluid and it is so hard.
40:18
SPEAKER_02: It is so hard.
40:19
SPEAKER_03: So it's their life and it's their journey.
40:22
SPEAKER_01: It is, it is, it is.
40:24
SPEAKER_03: And sometimes all we can do is love them.
40:26
SPEAKER_01: Yes, yes.
40:27
SPEAKER_01: And I and I cling a lot to he will complete the good work he began in them.
40:34
SPEAKER_01: It is not my responsibility to complete that.
40:36
SPEAKER_01: It is God.
40:37
SPEAKER_02: Right.
40:37
SPEAKER_01: And it takes a little bit of the pressure off because it's just part of their story, and we have to let it be part of their story, even though it's very painful.
40:47
SPEAKER_03: So how would people get a hold of you or do you have a website or social media or I do.
40:52
SPEAKER_01: So I'm Dr.
40:52
SPEAKER_01: Beth Long on TikTok and Facebook and Instagram and YouTube and all that.
40:56
SPEAKER_01: My website, we're building a Dr.
40:58
SPEAKER_01: Beth Long website, but it's currently worksofwondertherapy.com.
41:02
SPEAKER_01: And I I'm I'm trying to branch into we also have a podcast, but it's it's for fam people currently parenting, and it's primarily for people with children with developmental delays, but it's called Works of Wonder with Dr.
41:16
SPEAKER_01: Bethlong.
41:17
SPEAKER_01: And there's a contact me button on my website, and I would love to answer any questions or talk to anybody, especially on this topic, because sometimes we just need a community of people parenting adults to lean on and depend on.
41:30
SPEAKER_03: It takes a village.
41:31
SPEAKER_01: It does.
41:32
SPEAKER_01: It does.
41:33
SPEAKER_01: But for me, this season truly needs a village more than even when they were young.
41:39
SPEAKER_03: Absolutely.
41:40
SPEAKER_03: Well, thank you for sharing all of that.
41:42
SPEAKER_03: And uh I appreciate you sharing your wisdom and your heart and your your parenting journey with your adult children.
41:48
SPEAKER_03: You reminded us that healing is possible at any age and that God meets us in the messy middle, not just at the finish line.
41:55
SPEAKER_03: So to every parent listening, thank you for the pro privilege of your time.
41:58
SPEAKER_03: You don't have to be perfect to be present.
42:00
SPEAKER_03: You don't have to have all the answers to begin healing.
42:03
SPEAKER_03: Grace is enough and growth is still possible.
42:05
SPEAKER_03: This is ABC's of parenting adult children.
42:07
SPEAKER_03: I'm Jameis Moffitt.
42:09
SPEAKER_03: Keep growing, keep healing, and keep leaning into grace.
42:12
SPEAKER_03: And we will see you at the next episode.
42:14
SPEAKER_03: Thank you, Doctor Beth.
42:15
SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
42:16
SPEAKER_01: Thank you.