Latest / The Steve & Jeff Show / S2 E32 - Would You Rather...?

Transcript

S2 E32 - Would You Rather...? · The Steve & Jeff Show

0:00
SPEAKER_01: Welcome to the Steve and Jeff Show, the number one comedy podcast at Steve's mom's house, that is.
0:10
SPEAKER_01: Be sure and follow or subscribe to the Steve and Jeff Show wherever you listen to podcasts.
0:15
SPEAKER_01: Write us a review while you're there too.
0:18
SPEAKER_01: And now, here's Steve and Jeff.
0:23
SPEAKER_01: Hey Johnny, thanks for introducing the show.
0:26
SPEAKER_01: But I gotta tell you, you know, you're really gonna have to do something about those empty bottles around mom's house.
0:30
SPEAKER_01: You know, it's just you gotta pick up after yourself, Johnny.
0:33
SPEAKER_01: But uh anyway, Jeff, I digress.
0:35
SPEAKER_01: How are you, Jeff?
0:36
SPEAKER_01: How's it going?
0:37
SPEAKER_01: I'm doing great.
0:38
SPEAKER_02: How are you doing, Steve?
0:39
SPEAKER_02: How's it going?
0:40
SPEAKER_01: It's been another great week, you know.
0:41
SPEAKER_01: Not quite as weird, maybe, as the week the week before.
0:44
SPEAKER_01: And of course, no Grammy Awards this week, but I I am looking forward to next year's Oscars for the in memoriam.
0:50
SPEAKER_02: You know, Steve, I've been spending a lot of time on self-improvement, but it's been kind of yeah.
0:55
SPEAKER_02: Well, every week I try to focus on something, you know.
0:57
SPEAKER_02: Like I was starting to do push-ups a couple weeks ago.
1:00
SPEAKER_02: I I don't do that anymore, but I was doing that for a while just to get in shape, you know, because you're not getting any younger.
1:06
SPEAKER_01: How many push-ups did you get up to?
1:08
SPEAKER_02: Well, it's it's not an exact science.
1:11
SPEAKER_01: Well, it is not, you know, how many, it's how well, right?
1:14
SPEAKER_02: You know, yeah, they were good ones, you know.
1:18
SPEAKER_02: There were there were a number.
1:19
SPEAKER_02: There was, I think the number was two, was two, but there was a number of good ones.
1:24
SPEAKER_01: Well, you know, you gotta start somewhere.
1:26
SPEAKER_02: You do, so that was really good.
1:27
SPEAKER_02: I felt great, and then Kathy recommended that you know, maybe I deal with my mental health, which which I have to admit, has been kind of suffering lately, you know.
1:38
SPEAKER_01: Well, lately, like oh, maybe like the last 50 years or so.
1:42
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you know, they that Kathy is on to something, I'll tell you, she's smart.
1:45
SPEAKER_02: Well, she's on something, yes.
1:47
SPEAKER_01: Well, you know, with that too, and she's on something, but she's you know, yeah, yeah.
1:51
SPEAKER_02: I went to a psychiatrist hoping that he could prescribe whatever she's on.
1:54
SPEAKER_01: So wait, not not the one that we went to.
1:57
SPEAKER_01: No, no, this guy because she wants she doesn't want to see either of us ever again.
2:02
SPEAKER_02: No, no, this this guy's really serious, and he he really had his act together.
2:07
SPEAKER_02: I thought I was just gonna meet with him, you know, one-on-one, which it seems like I paid for one-on-one.
2:13
SPEAKER_02: But instead, he's like, Oh no, we're gonna do a group session, and he had three other couples that were gonna come and meet with them as well.
2:21
SPEAKER_01: So Kathy and I so he's got like eight people paying for one-on-one.
2:24
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, this guy's really sharp, Steve.
2:27
SPEAKER_01: We're in the wrong business, money and crack.
2:30
SPEAKER_01: Oh my gosh.
2:31
SPEAKER_02: I'm so but I digress.
2:32
SPEAKER_02: Go ahead, go ahead, you know, and I didn't know if there was really anything wrong with me.
2:36
SPEAKER_02: And and all of a sudden he starts this whole thing out with uh telling us that we all have these addictions, addictions that we're not even aware of, or that we should be dealing with.
2:48
SPEAKER_02: And I was like, I don't think I have any addictions, but I'm willing to listen, you know.
2:52
SPEAKER_02: Plus, you have these other three couples, and I'm guessing in my mind, I wonder what addictions they have.
2:58
SPEAKER_01: Well, yeah, I'd be curious.
2:59
SPEAKER_01: Right.
3:00
SPEAKER_01: Just a quick question.
3:01
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you know, if you're addicted to something, you may not really fully understand that you're addicted.
3:06
SPEAKER_01: You know, you may not be aware of that, you may not admit that, but wouldn't you know that you're doing it?
3:12
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I I mean, you know, it's over my head, Steve.
3:15
SPEAKER_01: I kind of hard to hide, wouldn't it?
3:17
SPEAKER_02: I mean, you know, yeah, and you know, me with my attention span, I wasn't paying a lot of attention to what he was saying and and and what he was doing, although I still wanted to know you know how fucked up each of the other couples was.
3:29
SPEAKER_02: Oh, sure.
3:30
SPEAKER_02: Oh, well, that's funny.
3:32
SPEAKER_02: Well, that's the fun totally.
3:33
SPEAKER_02: Oh my god, and then I could decide whether I should stay or not because you know, if I if they're really fucked up, I you know, I don't want to be around them.
3:40
SPEAKER_02: That might be contagious.
3:42
SPEAKER_01: You'd get worse.
3:43
SPEAKER_01: You wouldn't be able to do even two push-ups.
3:45
SPEAKER_02: You're exactly right.
3:46
SPEAKER_02: So he's like, he goes to the first couple, you know, just a kind of normal couple.
3:50
SPEAKER_02: I didn't notice anything different.
3:51
SPEAKER_02: And he says, You have an addiction to sweets.
3:54
SPEAKER_02: It was almost like a magician, you know, he was like looking at somebody and he could predict, you know, what they were, you know, and he says, You have an addiction to sweets, and this addiction is so strong that you named your child candy.
4:08
SPEAKER_02: Wow.
4:09
SPEAKER_02: I was like, okay, yeah, but I'm impressed, but there's probably a lot of reasons to name your child candy, you know.
4:16
SPEAKER_01: And you know, aside of the munchhouse and by proxy hints that are in that name, you know, that that is a little that's a little scary.
4:22
SPEAKER_01: Maybe, maybe the doctor's on to something.
4:24
SPEAKER_01: Go ahead, maybe I gave a give him a little credit for that.
4:27
SPEAKER_02: So yeah, so then he turns to the next couple and he says, You have an addiction to money.
4:32
SPEAKER_02: And I perked up.
4:33
SPEAKER_02: I thought he was talking he thought he was talking to you, right?
4:36
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, but he wasn't, he was talking to this other couple, and he says, The addiction you have is so strong that you named your daughter Penny.
4:44
SPEAKER_02: I probably would have gone a little higher than Penny.
4:46
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I would have gone like Ben.
4:47
SPEAKER_02: You're really addicted, yeah.
4:49
SPEAKER_02: Like Dollar, Dolly, Dolly, Ben Dollar, you know, something like that.
4:54
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, and then the third couple, he turns to them and he says, You have an addiction to tanning, and the addiction is so strong you named your son Sonny.
5:05
SPEAKER_02: Wow.
5:06
SPEAKER_02: I was like, Sonny, oh Sonny, the son.
5:10
SPEAKER_02: Like tanning's an addiction.
5:11
SPEAKER_02: I don't wow, I don't know what the fuck he was saying, anyways.
5:14
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, and then he looks at me and I'm like, This is bullshit, you know, I'm out of here.
5:20
SPEAKER_02: And so I get up to leave, and I, you know, I had my son with me, and I turned him and I say, Come on, Dick, it's time to go home.
5:28
SPEAKER_02: So, anyways, so so then I thought that there was some benefit to that.
5:32
SPEAKER_02: Maybe that helps smooth Richard or whatever.
5:34
SPEAKER_01: Well, and and and you got to find out that people can be addicted to tanning.
5:40
SPEAKER_01: See, I knew I figured you could be you could be addicted to candy and you could be addicted to I don't know about addicted, but you could be overfocused on money.
5:48
SPEAKER_01: But I had no idea you could be addicted to tanning.
5:50
SPEAKER_02: The other weird part is you know how we've talked about how your name has to do with like what you do for a living?
5:57
SPEAKER_01: Name is your destiny, yep.
5:59
SPEAKER_01: Right?
5:59
SPEAKER_02: Well, what about the first name if they're actually naming you after something, you know, like an addiction?
6:06
SPEAKER_02: So maybe that's kind of a combination.
6:09
SPEAKER_02: So if you were like Candy Plumber, I don't know.
6:12
SPEAKER_02: Wow.
6:13
SPEAKER_01: So you'd be you'd be really sweet in working the drains, uh, you know, hey completely anyway.
6:20
SPEAKER_01: So it's over.
6:21
SPEAKER_01: I think I've seen some, I think I've seen some of her movies, Candy Plumber.
6:24
SPEAKER_01: Uh you know, it was a real they used to play downtown, you know.
6:28
SPEAKER_01: I don't know if yeah.
6:30
SPEAKER_01: So so then I thought way back.
6:32
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I thought, but you know, the good part about this was that I got to exercise my mind, yeah.
6:38
SPEAKER_02: You know, outside of our show, which we get to do that.
6:40
SPEAKER_02: And I thought, I wonder if there's a way that we could maybe in the show do an exercise that would help us like find out more about ourselves, like push-ups for the mind, push-ups for the mind, two of them.
6:54
SPEAKER_02: Wow, two push-ups, two push-ups.
6:56
SPEAKER_01: Well, could we do like one push-up each, maybe, and then that'll be two for the show, right?
7:01
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
7:02
SPEAKER_02: So I was listening to uh sports radio and they were doing this game, and I thought this is a game we could do, maybe it's it's to keep the mind active, yeah.
7:10
SPEAKER_02: Would you rather?
7:11
SPEAKER_02: Which I think do you know that game?
7:13
SPEAKER_02: It's where like they give you two situations and you get to choose, you know, would you rather be a duck or play basketball?
7:22
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you know, and something like that.
7:24
SPEAKER_01: I Jeff, a lot of job interviews have started doing that.
7:27
SPEAKER_01: I think it's that psychiatrist guy that's maybe having some influence here because a lot of job interviews do that.
7:33
SPEAKER_01: And they, you know, they ask you questions like, you know, would you rather play tennis or drink a beer?
7:38
SPEAKER_01: Uh and you know, the questions are pretty easy there, but say, yeah, would you rather wear the same pair of socks for a month, or would you rather go hip deep in a sewer for 10 minutes?
7:50
SPEAKER_01: Uh you know, it's like what's it?
7:52
SPEAKER_01: I don't want to do it, I don't want to do either.
7:54
SPEAKER_01: Or or would you want to take this test?
7:57
SPEAKER_02: That's right.
7:57
SPEAKER_02: Or would you rather be Jewish or Catholic?
8:00
SPEAKER_02: Such a tough choice.
8:01
SPEAKER_02: It's the same, it's the same game.
8:03
SPEAKER_02: So I thought I thought maybe we could play this game.
8:06
SPEAKER_02: That would be a fun thing to do.
8:07
SPEAKER_02: I is is Claire around because maybe Claire could be a good one.
8:10
SPEAKER_02: Oh yeah.
8:10
SPEAKER_01: Oh, Miss Claire, yeah, she's in the booth here.
8:12
SPEAKER_01: Hey, hi, Miss Claire.
8:13
SPEAKER_00: Well, hello, everyone.
8:15
SPEAKER_01: Just warms my heart to hear that, doesn't it?
8:17
SPEAKER_01: Oh my gosh, it's so good.
8:18
SPEAKER_02: Well, yeah, so why don't we try to play this game?
8:21
SPEAKER_02: Maybe I should start by giving Steve you uh your first would you rather?
8:26
SPEAKER_02: Sure, sure.
8:26
SPEAKER_02: Let's kind of see how it goes.
8:28
SPEAKER_02: Go ahead.
8:28
SPEAKER_02: These things are just kind of normal stuff, you know.
8:30
SPEAKER_02: They're not there's nothing really special about it.
8:34
SPEAKER_02: Let's start with this one.
8:35
SPEAKER_02: Steve, would you rather have telekinesis ability or telepathy ability?
8:46
SPEAKER_02: Neither of which, neither of which I know what they what they are.
8:49
SPEAKER_01: Telekinesis has to do with telephones and communications, and uh telepathy has is like cell phones.
8:56
SPEAKER_01: You know, yeah, cell phones.
8:57
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, so they both have to do with cell phones.
8:58
SPEAKER_01: So both have to do with phones, yeah.
9:00
SPEAKER_01: Boy, you know, that's a tough one.
9:01
SPEAKER_01: You know, moving things with my mind versus the ability to read minds.
9:06
SPEAKER_01: I think you really need both because only that way can you know where to move things because you can read them.
9:13
SPEAKER_01: But you know, Jeff, I why what my thing?
9:17
SPEAKER_01: I am from the future, of course.
9:18
SPEAKER_01: I know what's gonna happen, so I'd probably go telekinesis because I don't have that.
9:23
SPEAKER_01: So I'd probably go, yeah, I just move things with my mind.
9:25
SPEAKER_01: I can move me with my mind, but not other stuff, you know.
9:28
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I again my attention span is just getting worse and worse.
9:32
SPEAKER_02: I kind of lost you after you talking about the telephones.
9:35
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you know what?
9:36
SPEAKER_01: I this is a lot of fun.
9:38
SPEAKER_01: I'm remembering every job interview I've ever had.
9:40
SPEAKER_01: This is so much, so much fun.
9:42
SPEAKER_01: Let me ask Claire one.
9:43
SPEAKER_01: What do you think?
9:44
SPEAKER_01: That'd be great.
9:44
SPEAKER_01: Uh Miss Claire, I'm sorry.
9:46
SPEAKER_01: Hey, Miss Claire, would you rather be in jail for five years or be in a coma for a decade?
9:53
SPEAKER_00: See, now that's a hard one.
9:55
SPEAKER_00: I don't I don't really think that's a fair question because I haven't really been in a coma before, so it's really hard to compare.
10:02
SPEAKER_01: Ah, I see.
10:03
SPEAKER_01: One is known and one is not known.
10:06
SPEAKER_00: You could say, you could say.
10:08
SPEAKER_01: Wow, definitely.
10:09
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that's pretty revealing.
10:11
SPEAKER_01: She's not a signatory on the checking account, is she?
10:14
SPEAKER_02: No, I don't think so.
10:15
SPEAKER_02: But I think we can probably move on.
10:18
SPEAKER_02: Although that resume, Claire, that's had a lot of makeovers, I think, over yeah.
10:23
SPEAKER_00: When you hang your hat many different places, it tends to kind of jump to and fro a little bit, I would think.
10:29
SPEAKER_02: Well, that makes sense.
10:30
SPEAKER_02: That makes sense.
10:31
SPEAKER_00: Makes perfect sense.
10:32
SPEAKER_02: Claire, maybe you could ask the next question.
10:34
SPEAKER_02: I think it's for me.
10:36
SPEAKER_00: I guess I'll just lead off then, since that's what we're doing, apparently.
10:40
SPEAKER_00: Would you rather find true love or win the lottery?
10:44
SPEAKER_02: Another trick question, you know, because I think, first of all, my true love, which is Kathy, is just like winning the lottery, but not quite.
10:54
SPEAKER_02: But they are very similar.
10:55
SPEAKER_02: I would say that they are actually the same thing.
10:58
SPEAKER_02: I I might switch it around and say that winning the lottery is my true love.
11:03
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, Kathy.
11:04
SPEAKER_01: That's well, you'd share it with Kathy.
11:05
SPEAKER_01: You'd give Kathy something from the lottery when you're right.
11:08
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
11:08
SPEAKER_01: That makes sense.
11:09
SPEAKER_01: Oh gosh, this is so much fun, Jeff.
11:11
SPEAKER_01: I I got another one for Miss Claire here.
11:13
SPEAKER_01: Okay, Miss Claire.
11:15
SPEAKER_01: We're learning so much about you, Miss Claire.
11:17
SPEAKER_01: You know, yeah, because it's important.
11:19
SPEAKER_01: You gotta know your producer.
11:20
SPEAKER_01: That's you know, Miss Claire, would you rather have universal respect or unlimited power?
11:29
SPEAKER_00: You really gotta start giving me some good ones.
11:31
SPEAKER_00: Obviously, I would choose both because with unlimited power becomes universal respect.
11:38
SPEAKER_00: That's a good point.
11:39
SPEAKER_02: Isn't that a Spider-Man saying with great goes wherever a spider can be comes unlimited respect?
11:45
SPEAKER_00: Something along those lines with great power becomes great responsibility.
11:49
SPEAKER_02: Not to get off track here, but Steve, take a crack at that question yourself.
11:53
SPEAKER_02: Which one would you choose?
11:55
SPEAKER_01: I would probably rather have universal respect because my ability to travel in time is kind of like unlimited power.
12:04
SPEAKER_01: And I'd be worried that if I had really unlimited power, I might not use it for the good.
12:10
SPEAKER_01: And I might wind up in a Spider-Man movie like Toby Maguire.
12:14
SPEAKER_01: I mean, look at look what happened to him, right?
12:16
SPEAKER_02: I think you could say that if you had unlimited power, you could force people to respect you.
12:22
SPEAKER_00: You could, but is that really that was my plan?
12:25
SPEAKER_01: Well, is that real respect though?
12:27
SPEAKER_01: I mean, you know, if you're forcing people to respect you, come on.
12:30
SPEAKER_00: I mean, as long as they respect you, it gets the job done.
12:33
SPEAKER_00: All right, flee to Rome, you know.
12:35
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah, let's move on.
12:37
SPEAKER_02: Steve, I got one for you.
12:38
SPEAKER_02: Okay, would you rather have sex with Wonder Woman or Captain Marvel?
12:45
SPEAKER_01: Oh, wow.
12:46
SPEAKER_01: See, now this is this is interesting because this could be the Captain Marvel from the 1950s, who's that guy that's a little overweight, or this could be the new Captain Marvel that's the woman.
12:57
SPEAKER_02: So is the new Captain Marvel a woman?
12:59
SPEAKER_02: I've I have no idea.
13:01
SPEAKER_02: Oh, I think so.
13:02
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I mean, I I don't watch movies, but yeah, I think so.
13:05
SPEAKER_01: And gosh, Wonder Woman and maybe the new Captain Marvel.
13:09
SPEAKER_02: Who is this woman that you say plays Captain Marvel?
13:13
SPEAKER_01: Bree Larson.
13:14
SPEAKER_02: Of course, I haven't seen the movie, but you know, I don't think anybody's seen that movie, to be to be honest.
13:19
SPEAKER_02: I don't Claire, have you seen that movie?
13:21
SPEAKER_00: Nah, nah, yeah.
13:23
SPEAKER_02: I would say that I'd go with Wonder Woman because a woman who played Wonder Woman was I think she was from Israel or something.
13:28
SPEAKER_02: Was she from the Gaza Strip, maybe?
13:30
SPEAKER_02: There won't be a sequel, that's for sure.
13:32
SPEAKER_01: I'm I'm a little torn.
13:33
SPEAKER_01: Hey, I've always been attracted to a woman in uniform, you know.
13:37
SPEAKER_01: But I'm wondering about that Wonder Woman part.
13:41
SPEAKER_01: I'm wondering about what the wonder would be.
13:43
SPEAKER_01: And I'm wondering, I'm afraid that if I don't pick Wonder Woman, I'll always wonder what it would have been like.
13:51
SPEAKER_02: That's so true.
13:52
SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
13:53
SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
13:53
SPEAKER_02: Regret is a superpower.
13:55
SPEAKER_02: That's something my mom always told me.
13:57
SPEAKER_01: Absolutely is.
13:58
SPEAKER_02: And with regret comes great comes comes great brewing.
14:03
SPEAKER_01: This is so much fun.
14:04
SPEAKER_01: So much I I got one, I got one for you.
14:06
SPEAKER_01: Would you rather sleep with someone who is great in bed but smells really bad?
14:14
SPEAKER_01: Or someone who is lousy in bed but doesn't smell.
14:18
SPEAKER_02: Now I smell a rat here.
14:19
SPEAKER_02: Smell a rat.
14:20
SPEAKER_02: I have a feeling Kathy may have submitted this question.
14:24
SPEAKER_02: This looks like her handwriting.
14:26
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I you know, I haven't seen her handwriting a lot, but I remember that one invitation to something, and yeah, this kind of looks like her handwriting.
14:33
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
14:33
SPEAKER_02: I think it's my hygiene has always gotten in the way of my career, my uh relationships.
14:41
SPEAKER_02: This might be the one case where my hygiene has gotten in the way of my sexual performance, but I don't know that.
14:49
SPEAKER_02: I know that I remember seeing Sarah Silverman once in some great act or whatever.
14:54
SPEAKER_02: She smells great, by the way.
14:56
SPEAKER_02: She smells great.
14:56
SPEAKER_02: Oh, yeah.
14:56
SPEAKER_02: No, she but she pointed out that people who stink don't know they stink.
15:01
SPEAKER_02: And I don't know from our previous episodes.
15:03
SPEAKER_02: Steve, I don't even know if I'm a good lover.
15:05
SPEAKER_02: I don't know if I stink, I don't know if I'm a good lover.
15:07
SPEAKER_02: So I it's it's very confusing to me, but I have a feeling Kathy thinks I'm a really good lover and that I stink really bad.
15:16
SPEAKER_01: Just think all that experience, all that history, all that wondering has led you to this podcast, led you to where you are today.
15:26
SPEAKER_01: You should be grateful.
15:27
SPEAKER_02: It's true, and it fortunately we have good ventilation in the studio here.
15:31
SPEAKER_02: So we do, yes.
15:34
SPEAKER_01: I I spiff for the extra ventilation because I gotta tell you, it's not just you.
15:38
SPEAKER_01: That last engineer that they fired last year.
15:40
SPEAKER_01: Oh man, tech guy couldn't even be in the same room with him, but but I digress.
15:45
SPEAKER_01: Claire, I I think I got one for you.
15:48
SPEAKER_01: Great, let's hear it.
15:49
SPEAKER_01: Would you rather vomit on your hero or have your hero vomit on you?
15:56
SPEAKER_01: Really good question.
15:58
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, see, this one of those guys I came in today.
16:00
SPEAKER_00: These are the questions that I came for today.
16:03
SPEAKER_00: Something I don't really tell everyone.
16:05
SPEAKER_00: Uh, I do love to vomit in all ways.
16:08
SPEAKER_00: Like that moment when you're just about to vomit and your mouth just fills with saliva and you know you're on the precipice.
16:15
SPEAKER_00: That is just chef's kiss, orgasmic, one might even say.
16:20
SPEAKER_01: And it's like Vesuvious Rising, you feel it and you know you know what's gonna happen.
16:25
SPEAKER_00: It's a guttural, primal sort of urge that just unleashes from within you.
16:31
SPEAKER_00: So I I'm a big fan.
16:33
SPEAKER_00: Uh so if I if I had to choose, I would always choose to spread my own vomit to as many people as possible.
16:40
SPEAKER_01: Because you're a giver.
16:41
SPEAKER_00: I'm a giver, yeah.
16:42
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you care about giving, yes.
16:44
SPEAKER_01: It's a little selfish to just take all the time.
16:47
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
16:48
SPEAKER_01: To say, oh yeah, give it to me.
16:49
SPEAKER_01: I'm not gonna give the vomit.
16:51
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah, give me the what about thee?
16:53
SPEAKER_02: Well, exactly.
16:54
SPEAKER_02: Me, what about thee?
16:56
SPEAKER_02: I kind of guessed that that would be your answer when you started talking because I was in the women's bathroom uh recently, and it smells really like I don't know if I can put my finger on it.
17:08
SPEAKER_02: Producers vomit.
17:10
SPEAKER_00: What gets up in the women's bathroom?
17:12
SPEAKER_00: The world may never know.
17:13
SPEAKER_01: Oh, that's true, and the world is happier for not knowing it.
17:17
SPEAKER_01: The world is happier for it.
17:19
SPEAKER_01: Let me just tell you that.
17:20
SPEAKER_02: So I think the next one might be for Steve.
17:23
SPEAKER_02: Ah, okay.
17:24
SPEAKER_02: Steve, are you ready for one?
17:25
SPEAKER_02: I'm ready.
17:26
SPEAKER_02: All right, this one's a good one.
17:28
SPEAKER_02: Would you rather swim in a pool full of Nutella or a pool full of Viagra?
17:37
SPEAKER_01: Well, Wonder Woman or Captain Marvel might have a preference there.
17:42
SPEAKER_01: You know, I don't know.
17:43
SPEAKER_01: They're both interesting.
17:44
SPEAKER_01: Doesn't Viagra though dissolve in water?
17:47
SPEAKER_01: That might impact the swimming, or maybe the effect of Viagra might impact the swimming.
17:52
SPEAKER_01: I don't know if that would work.
17:54
SPEAKER_01: Nutella is one of the great mysteries of the universe.
17:56
SPEAKER_01: Is it chocolate?
17:57
SPEAKER_01: Is it hazelnut?
17:58
SPEAKER_01: What is it?
17:59
SPEAKER_01: And what do you put it on?
18:00
SPEAKER_01: Do you put it on bread?
18:02
SPEAKER_01: Do you put it on your finger?
18:03
SPEAKER_01: What a great mystery.
18:04
SPEAKER_01: Do you eat it off the spoon?
18:05
SPEAKER_01: I know I do, but does everybody?
18:07
SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
18:08
SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
18:08
SPEAKER_02: To make it even more strange, is I am aroused by Nutella.
18:12
SPEAKER_02: I it is kind of like Viagra.
18:15
SPEAKER_02: It is similar for me.
18:16
SPEAKER_02: It's it's really good tasting Viagra.
18:19
SPEAKER_01: It tastes much better than Viagra.
18:20
SPEAKER_01: And you try spreading Viagra on toast.
18:23
SPEAKER_01: Oh my gosh.
18:24
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, good luck.
18:25
SPEAKER_01: That was such a good question.
18:26
SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna throw one right back at you.
18:28
SPEAKER_01: I'm ready.
18:29
SPEAKER_01: Would you rather have sex in front of your parents or watch your parents have sex?
18:37
SPEAKER_02: It's kind of one of those questions where there's no wrong answer.
18:41
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, there's really not a right answer either, but okay.
18:44
SPEAKER_02: But it's funny that you that you mentioned that my mom, you know, is dead, so it's it's not an option to watch her have sex, but my dad is still alive.
18:53
SPEAKER_02: And Steve, this might be one of those questions where we may have a little experience, or if we if we're interested, this is something that could happen because as I recall, my father had a baby with your mother.
19:06
SPEAKER_01: That was Fauxerry, though, that had the baby, right?
19:09
SPEAKER_01: So he was your father for an episode and then he went away.
19:13
SPEAKER_02: Steve, in some ways, he was more of a father in one episode than my father was in a lifetime.
19:18
SPEAKER_02: I've dropped the asterisk, just call him dad now.
19:24
SPEAKER_01: I tell you, I still have to hand it to your real dad, passing out the scotch when I was like 16 years old.
19:29
SPEAKER_01: Oh my gosh, that was to go over and say, Yeah, Jeff's not here, but come on in, have a drink.
19:33
SPEAKER_02: Okay, cool.
19:34
SPEAKER_02: All right.
19:34
SPEAKER_02: So I think that there's certainly going to be some opportunities in the future to uh watch our parents have sex.
19:40
SPEAKER_02: I guess I could say our parents, right?
19:41
SPEAKER_02: See?
19:42
SPEAKER_02: Well, sort of sort of connected in in a way.
19:45
SPEAKER_01: Your faux dad and my mom, and I was thinking the same thing with parents.
19:49
SPEAKER_01: Uh, yeah, I guess for me it would depend on where it would take place.
19:53
SPEAKER_01: Are we talking prison?
19:54
SPEAKER_01: Are we talking eccentric Ladyland Studios?
19:56
SPEAKER_01: We talk in the girls' bathroom at eccentric Lady Land Studios.
19:59
SPEAKER_01: You know, there's a lot of choices there.
20:01
SPEAKER_01: Speaking of parents, I hear that you're trying to get them in the studio, eccentric Ladyland Studio here for our show.
20:08
SPEAKER_02: Well, I am, and and maybe that would be a good place where we can let them have sex in front of us.
20:13
SPEAKER_02: What do you think?
20:14
SPEAKER_01: Maybe live broadcast that, you know, that might be something that even our listeners would be interested in in hearing.
20:20
SPEAKER_01: You know, now it'd be sound effects, it wouldn't be the actual visual.
20:24
SPEAKER_02: But if we got them in, that would lead me to my next question for you, Steve.
20:29
SPEAKER_02: Okay.
20:30
SPEAKER_02: And that one is would you rather uh give up sex for a year or give up masturbating for a year?
20:39
SPEAKER_02: I bring that up because there may be a temptation if we have our parents in there.
20:43
SPEAKER_01: Now, when you say give up, people don't give those things up.
20:47
SPEAKER_02: I don't think there's a difference between the two.
20:49
SPEAKER_02: That's just my I don't think there is a same thing.
20:52
SPEAKER_01: No, I mean it's kind of the same, the same thing, you know, the same level.
20:56
SPEAKER_01: I don't really can answer that one, but hey, I got one that I best gonna fool you.
21:01
SPEAKER_01: Okay, would you rather pee a ping pong ball or poop out a bowling ball?
21:08
SPEAKER_02: So now we're talking masturbation again.
21:10
SPEAKER_02: Well, right, because it's because that's the kind of stuff I dream about.
21:14
SPEAKER_01: Whatever you do to stay regular, you know, it's up to you.
21:17
SPEAKER_01: I mean, I I don't need to know.
21:19
SPEAKER_02: God, I'm so stuck on this.
21:21
SPEAKER_02: I think I gotta go with the bowling ball because they have those bowling balls that are a little smaller, right?
21:26
SPEAKER_02: Not that I want them too small, but you know, the like the children's balls, aren't they smaller?
21:31
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I mean, you could do like a bocce ball, maybe or something.
21:34
SPEAKER_01: That'd be nice and small, or like uh one of those Civil War cannon balls, you know, those are kind of smaller.
21:39
SPEAKER_02: I'm torn.
21:40
SPEAKER_02: You know what?
21:40
SPEAKER_02: Maybe I would want both at the same time, and then I would be able to choose.
21:44
SPEAKER_02: Of course, you could reverse them.
21:46
SPEAKER_02: That would be probably hard to do.
21:47
SPEAKER_01: Oh, you know, yeah.
21:49
SPEAKER_01: No, I think pee the bowling ball.
21:51
SPEAKER_01: I think both at the same time, you might you might explode, Jeff.
21:55
SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
21:55
SPEAKER_01: I'm not sure what would happen.
21:57
SPEAKER_02: And I love table tennis.
21:58
SPEAKER_02: There you go.
21:59
SPEAKER_02: I could have.
22:00
SPEAKER_01: Prove your aim, it'd be a wicked serve, I'll tell you.
22:02
SPEAKER_01: It'd be a serve nobody would return.
22:04
SPEAKER_00: I don't want to interrupt your uh sausage party.
22:07
SPEAKER_00: It I'm pretty sure it sounds like y'all don't have any idea what the answer to any of these questions are.
22:12
SPEAKER_00: I mean, I do, but I'm not gonna tell either of you.
22:15
SPEAKER_00: So I guess you'll have to figure it out, but probably get back on track.
22:20
SPEAKER_02: We might be the answer.
22:21
SPEAKER_02: Speaking of sausage, I think it's your turn, Claire.
22:24
SPEAKER_00: Okay, well, mine would be for both of you then.
22:27
SPEAKER_00: If you had a choice, would you prefer to die from a gunshot wound as you're exiting, you know, the studio, uh, or rat poisoning while you're eating your sandwich in the studio.
22:41
SPEAKER_02: Those are the only two options.
22:42
unknown: Yep.
22:43
SPEAKER_02: And where did that question come from?
22:45
SPEAKER_02: Mine came from the internet.
22:47
SPEAKER_00: This sounds just pretty just you know, joshing it up, just wrizzling and tizzling with you guys, you know.
22:53
SPEAKER_01: I think she added, I think she added that, Jeff.
22:57
SPEAKER_00: This just came in an email.
22:58
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
22:59
SPEAKER_01: One of our loyal listeners.
23:01
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
23:02
SPEAKER_00: Just as we speak, just came came in, flying in from the Uber.
23:06
SPEAKER_01: I think she may have some plans, Jeff.
23:08
SPEAKER_01: I think she's got some plans for us.
23:10
SPEAKER_02: She's got a lot going on.
23:11
SPEAKER_02: She's way above my pay grade.
23:13
SPEAKER_02: She's always one step ahead of us.
23:15
SPEAKER_02: And you know, I would have to say if I'm supposed to answer this question, is I'd probably rather be shot as long as I'd be shot in a way that I would die immediately, maybe on the show.
23:27
SPEAKER_00: I mean, I guess if you uh if you stood still, I could probably get that done for you.
23:31
SPEAKER_02: Wow.
23:31
SPEAKER_02: This is hypothetical.
23:33
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, pure purely hypothetical.
23:35
SPEAKER_00: Purely.
23:36
SPEAKER_01: Let me ask, are those my only two options?
23:38
SPEAKER_00: If you have another colorful option, I'd be willing to hear that out as well.
23:42
SPEAKER_01: Gosh, I can't think of a really colorful one now, but so I guess I'd probably say gunshot, just because I, you know, I already ate lunch and I try not to eat too much, you know, because I I can't do those push-ups so well anymore.
23:53
SPEAKER_01: So I just kind of want to keep eating a little less.
23:56
SPEAKER_01: So probably not the sandwich.
23:58
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, and don't you think, Steve?
24:00
SPEAKER_02: I mean, we've already had a sandwich before the show.
24:02
SPEAKER_02: So I'm kind of hoping that we get to choose something else.
24:06
SPEAKER_00: Time will tell.
24:07
SPEAKER_00: Time will tell.
24:08
SPEAKER_02: This might be a good place to stop, especially if we're we've been poisoned.
24:12
SPEAKER_02: I might want to go.
24:14
SPEAKER_00: It really has me thinking.
24:16
SPEAKER_01: I might want to go, you know, make myself throw up if we've been poisoned.
24:21
SPEAKER_01: Not without me.
24:22
SPEAKER_01: We could all go.
24:22
SPEAKER_01: I mean, I'll be right back.
24:23
SPEAKER_02: You sound very selfish, Steve, to throw up.
24:25
SPEAKER_01: Well, I without us without us.
24:28
SPEAKER_01: You're all invited.
24:29
SPEAKER_01: Come on, let's all go.
24:30
SPEAKER_02: This is making me sick.
24:32
SPEAKER_01: I'd say you could hold my hair back, but you know, you nobody really needs to hold my hair back, right?
24:36
SPEAKER_02: So if you guys are having trouble finding a way to throw up, maybe I could come over because you know, I haven't showered for a couple of days.
24:43
SPEAKER_02: I got a hygiene issue that that is kind of triggers that gag reflex.
24:48
SPEAKER_02: So I could probably help you out with that.
24:49
SPEAKER_01: That could be incredibly useful.
24:51
SPEAKER_01: I think we need to go do that.
24:53
SPEAKER_01: And while we're there, Johnny, what do you have for for who?
24:58
SPEAKER_01: For who, Jeff?
25:00
SPEAKER_01: We didn't have a guest.
25:02
SPEAKER_02: I think we should give something to Claire because I think at the end of the day it may work in our favor, and we might live a little longer if we give Claire.
25:11
SPEAKER_02: Maybe we should give her a check, her paycheck.
25:14
SPEAKER_02: How about that?
25:14
SPEAKER_02: Oh, let's not get crazy.
25:16
SPEAKER_01: No, let's not get crazy.
25:17
SPEAKER_01: Come on.
25:18
SPEAKER_01: All right, but Johnny, what do you have for Miss Claire?
25:22
SPEAKER_01: Right, Steve?
25:23
SPEAKER_01: Miss Claire can spread her joy wherever she wants with the newest sensation sweeping middle schools worldwide, Tomco's versatile puke mate.
25:32
SPEAKER_01: It gives you the motivation and a handy receptacle, so you can hurl whenever and wherever you please.
25:39
SPEAKER_01: Pukemate from Tomco.
25:41
SPEAKER_01: If you want to yak, we've got your back.
25:44
SPEAKER_01: And Miss Claire will go to Hollywood for a trivial yet likely ignored bit part in the upcoming adventure Spider-Man 37.
25:52
SPEAKER_01: Not again.
25:53
SPEAKER_01: Due to begin filming soon, with great prices come in significant roles.
25:59
SPEAKER_01: And finally, game night will never be the same when she enjoys the home version of that new family fun game, Group Therapy.
26:07
SPEAKER_01: Find out how messed up your family really is.
26:10
SPEAKER_01: Have fun and make money up to eight times over.
26:14
SPEAKER_01: This has been a Truth or Dare production in association with Never Have I Ever Media.
26:19
SPEAKER_01: Be sure and follow or subscribe to the Steve and Jeff Show wherever you listen to podcasts.
26:24
SPEAKER_01: Write us a review while you're there too.
26:27
SPEAKER_01: This is Johnny Speaking.
26:28
SPEAKER_01: I'm playing my own version of Would You Rather.
26:32
SPEAKER_01: I'm trying to decide whether I would rather keep working for Steve and Jeff or dive 900 feet into an open sewer.
26:40
SPEAKER_01: I just can't decide.
26:43
SPEAKER_01: Good night!