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From Trauma to Resiliency – Rising Up with Carob Mars · Authentic Living

• 0:01
  Welcome to authentic living with Roxanne, a place where we have as conversations about
• 0:08
  things that really matter in our lives.
• 0:11
  And now here's your host, Roxanne Derhodge.
• 0:35
  Going at, Roxanne Derhodge.
• 0:37
  Thanks so much for tuning in again this week for authentic living with Roxanne.
• 0:41
  Today, I have a special, guest Karab Mars, and Karab has, I would say one of those stories
• 0:50
  that ready you stop and think about things.
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  And, Karab and I, you know, are both podcasters and she has a fascinating story.
• 0:58
  So Karab, thanks so much for being on today.
• 1:01
  Thank you, Roxanne.
• 1:04
  You might wanna change that.
• 1:05
  It's Karab.
• 1:06
  Oh, I'm so sorry.
• 1:07
  That's okay.
• 1:09
  Alright.
• 1:10
  You see?
• 1:10
  I I I looked at it, and I was like, okay.
• 1:13
  That's how you say it.
• 1:14
  Alright.
• 1:15
  Well, I've my apologies.
• 1:16
  So, I'll read her, bio really quickly, and then we'll jump right in into things.
• 1:22
  She's a veteran of, the foster care system, which, you know, I've worked a lot with in in
• 1:28
  the duration of my career.
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  And despite all her obstacles, she's found a way to be happy.
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  And I think that's oftentimes something when you hear the stories of children who have been
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  through care, it's it's oftentimes, riveting and, in her case that she's been through it,
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  multiple times.
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  She's about to launch a podcast and a YouTube channel, where she actually talks about it
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  firsthand.
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  And I think, you know, as a a psychotherapist, I hear about it kind of secondhand, but I think
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  firsthand is the important thing where you actually hear somebody that's been through the
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  system.
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  And what what can you do?
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  Because I'm sure there's people that have been through that often think what, you know, what
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  what what chances does someone have that has been through the system?
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  And, Karab can share what she's done to live you know, the best life possible by putting
• 2:21
  things behind her and what's it gonna take to succeed, on on your own terms.
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  So, Karab, thanks so much again for taking the time.
• 2:30
  So let's let's just jump right into it because, you know, you're storing it of itself speaks to
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  itself and tell the listeners kind of, you know, how your kind of story started and what
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  kind of brought you up today to to really wanting to share with others about the, what
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  it's like to be in the system and what it doesn't have to be for you long term?
• 2:54
  Sure.
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  Sure.
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  So I put myself into care when I was eight years old.
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  My mother was extremely abusive, there's something called the aces.
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  I'm a 9 on that scale that's adverse childhood effects.
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  So the only thing you think about all the bad things that can happen, the only thing that
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  didn't happen to me is no one died in front of me.
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  So sexual abuse, physical abuse, neglect, all sorts of things like that.
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  So when I was eight years old, I walked into the police station and I said no more.
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  I cannot live with this woman.
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  Put me in foster care.
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  I only knew about foster care from television like movies of the week and so I had an idea of
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  what it would be like.
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  It wasn't like that.
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  I lived in 18 homes 9 years.
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  Some of them were decent.
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  Some of them were were pretty hard to live with.
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  One of them called me the n word, and then like with my mom, just an example of how she was I'm
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  half black, and she would call me slave girl and make me call her your majesty.
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  She was white.
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  And she would beat me for things, like, if my infant brother had a dirty diaper when I got
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  home from school, she would beat me ten times with a cable cord.
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  And if I moved, she'd start over.
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  So it's just a very, very hard hard existence to have.
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  And so I thought that living in foster care would be better.
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  And like I said, it wasn't particularly better.
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  I mean, it was better because I honestly believe that had I lived with my mom, I
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  probably wouldn't have survived past the age of ten.
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  She was grooming me for prostitution.
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  Some really hard hard things.
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  And I had a stepfather who was more interested in me than he was in her.
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  So so, yeah, for me, it was the best thing to go into foster care.
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  And I didn't find, really any of the support with the foster parents that I had.
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  So, you know, like, the ace is for everybody.
• 5:12
  That's a a common, assessment tool that's done for, young children with trauma and yours of 9
• 5:19
  is you're you're at that, you know, the upper end of anything that could happen.
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  And complex PTSD is when there has been trauma multiple traumas under the age of five for
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  anybody listening that may not know.
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  So definitely, crap, you would obviously if if an assessment was done at that time, you would
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  definitely probably have that that label attached, not that I'm into labels, just for
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  Right.
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  You know, context sake.
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  Now when you think of that and and what I know, but I want you to share it.
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  How did that impact your internal space mentally?
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  Emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually.
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  You're a little kid.
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  Right.
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  And it it had to have, impacted a lot of things.
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  So How did how how did you think about it?
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  I think
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  I think I'm really fortunate in that I I don't I can't explain why, but for me, I never took,
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  the label victim for myself, or I never I never blamed myself for the things that happened.
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  So the first thing that happened, when I was 5, my mom had decided that she would wanna commit
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  suicide.
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  And so she she thought she had a good father figure in mind for me.
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  And so she sent me she sent me on a camping trip with, a man who was more interested in me
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  as a woman.
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  And so at the age of five, I he raped me.
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  And so, So that was that that was there, but it was never a thing.
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  I think for so many people, they are like, well, if somebody did that to me, then I must
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  be I must be that kind of person.
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  It must be my fault.
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  I never ever looked at the things that happened to me as being my fault.
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  It doesn't say that I'm not, I definitely feel accountable and, like, in in, part of growing
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  and and getting wiser and and moving on with life.
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  Is realizing that I definitely have made my own mistakes.
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  I've made my own choices, but the things that happened to me weren't my choices.
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  Absolutely.
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  And that's what I like, in working with, survivors, obviously, that five year old child
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  was a child.
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  So, I mean, and, you know, you're you're saying, I understand what you're saying.
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  You don't take responsibility for an adult's actions.
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  Absolutely not.
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  But I hear 2 things and I want you to clarify that because obviously that child that's
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  developing is gonna think something's wrong with me that the person that's supposed to care
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  give for me puts me in harm's way and intentionally puts puts me in harm's way.
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  Right.
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  That that's true.
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  I I still have issues with that.
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  I still have issues, like, when when mother's day comes along and, like, what was so wrong
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  with me that I couldn't be loved and that I would be put into these situations I just don't
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  think that the I don't think that the the the actual thing that happened I didn't stand there
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  and say, hey.
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  Find me attractive as a five year old.
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  You know?
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  So I
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  Yeah.
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  Most five year olds look at it.
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  I mean, five year olds are upside down.
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  They're silly.
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  They're they're not the I mean, for any five year old to be in that space, they don't they
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  think these are parts of me.
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  And they don't say sexuality.
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  Any child that's five years old that's having that dialogue has unfortunately been exposed to
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  something that's inappropriate.
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  Right.
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  And I was gonna say when we were foster parents, we did we did have experiences with
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  kids who knew way, way, way too much.
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  I didn't know anything before that camping trip.
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  Of course, you're five.
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  I mean, what five year olds, you know, generally, they're talking about, you know,
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  games.
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  My
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  little pony.
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  All those things.
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  Right?
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  Right.
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  Yeah.
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  So you went through all these things and, So let's go back to the original question.
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  How the thoughts and the feelings obviously gets impacted by the trauma.
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  How did you start to step out of it?
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  What what past did you start to take to to get a hold of it?
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  Because, of course, with trauma, the symptoms are tough, right, to be a lot of people suffer
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  from, obviously, about 99.9% of people suffer from depression, anxiety, suicidality,
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  destructive behavior, violence, all that stuff, not because they say I want to be those things,
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  but those are the symptoms that often develop them cope with the pain.
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  I think that part of it was that I've always been a really avid reader.
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  Like, since I was 5, and so I knew that there were there were other options out there.
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  So I think that I just had kind of obsessive tunnel vision towards this is what I want out
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  of life.
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  And nothing there's no reason that I don't deserve that.
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  I don't not deserve that because of all of these things, but it is kind of a roller
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  coaster.
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  I have been depressed.
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  I left school.
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  I made it into a fine arts school for theater when I was seventeen.
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  And I left by overdosing because it was just another place where I was like, this is
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  supposed to be my community.
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  These are supposed to be my people.
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  And I still didn't fit in.
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  I still had that imposter
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  Right.
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  Going on.
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  And that's something that I still struggle with today.
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  So mentally, there's when you say, how do you how do you get through it?
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  I think for me, it's just you just keep going.
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  And and that's the thing is that I recognize sometimes that some days I can't, you know,
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  some days I have to give myself grace and go, Alright.
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  I really do still have PTSD.
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  I really am still dealing with things even though people on the outside look at me and go,
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  wow.
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  How'd you pull it together?
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  Like, you would not seem like you're this person.
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  A lot of people think I got a master's degree.
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  I don't.
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  Know, they think all of these things, or that I'm articulate, all these things.
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  And I'm just like, I I just have the basics that I think every single human being deserves.
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  Mhmm.
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  And I almost think it's it's a disservice to us that people expect us to be on the low end of
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  things.
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  Right.
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  And I think, you know, and maybe you can speak to this that I think a lot of times what we
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  call a disassociation or compartmentalizing where the thought and the feelings get split
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  off to be able to cope with something that's bigger than most human beings, not of us, any
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  of us that were one trauma not, you know, not so much.
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  Ongoing trauma, you know, atrocity and some of the things that you've been through is not just
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  child abuse, it's atrocity.
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  Right.
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  Along with a lot of things.
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  That's the cumulative effect of that, you know, it's kinda like I get up.
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  I hit my head again.
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  I get up.
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  I hit my head again and keeps cumulative.
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  And then eventually, yes, those symptoms develop, but some people have the ability if
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  you could think of lots of people in the world that they go on they might overuse something,
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  but it's functional in society.
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  So if I if I, let's say I'm a trauma victim, but I go out and I become a CEO of company, but
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  I could be overworking myself to death per se.
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  Right.
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  Then I'm fung I'm functional, but if I, let's say, go out and I've developed an eating
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  disorder, that's not so functional.
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  Right?
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  Right.
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  Right.
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  So my functionality, like, right now, the hardest thing is here in Seattle, we're we're
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  caught up in the, the coronavirus.
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  Right?
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  And everything that I do because I'm a huge, like, I find mentoring and using my story gives
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  me purpose.
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  Mhmm.
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  Mhmm.
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  That purpose is kind of like, what am I going to do?
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  I'm really grateful that I'm starting my YouTube channel because I'm going to have a lot
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  of time sitting at home because we are gonna find.
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  Right.
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  But normally, I'm volunteering.
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  I teach theater at my child's school.
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  I teach for 4 h.
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  And normally, I'm just doing whatever I can because a lot of times, and I found this
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  throughout my entire life, is that if I can help other people, I don't have to think about
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  what's going on for me.
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  So I lived in a foster home that was pretty awful, really, I mean, really, really awful,
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  and I, they used us for doing work and for babysitting their kids.
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  And anytime somebody would say, wow.
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  She she stands out.
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  She's a good kid.
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  How did you I mean, I didn't know there were good kids.
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  She'd say, oh, but you don't know how she really is.
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  You don't know that she locks herself in the closet and cries sometimes.
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  You know?
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  You don't know what like, they just had to bring me down.
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  Right.
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  Right.
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  And So that overcompensating is I do want people to see I wanna be the best part.
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  Honestly, as cheesy as this sounds, like, I think a lot of success that I got out of life
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  is because I was obsessed with Disney princesses.
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  So I would see them, and I would see that they would be I mean, really, their stories are
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  stories of resilience, especially the old ones.
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  Right?
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  Right.
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  Right.
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  And I would see that I didn't care that they were beautiful because I couldn't relate to
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  that because they were all white.
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  But I would see that they were kind always that they were always helping others.
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  They were doing all of these things, and I just sort of wanted to become something like that.
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  I know that's cheesy.
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  Oh, well, no.
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  But what you're talking about is as having a vision in your mind.
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  And I often say, from my background is I often I was just on a another, podcast, earlier.
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  And I said, this is something that I always shared with my survivors when I worked with
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  them.
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  I said, we come into this life and we are perfect.
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  We come we come in the lights.
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  We come in perfect if you think of babies.
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  Right?
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  They come in and they, you know, they have the instinct and they they communicate by their
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  sounds and they start to be able to let us know what they need.
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  What happens to life, unfortunately, all of us.
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  Now, I mean, I can think of my situation was, you know, not ideal, but the people around us
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  are supposed to learn what it is to keep us in not being to be able to evolve into who we need
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  to to be.
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  And that space, I always think is within us.
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  It maybe get pricked and prodded.
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  It may get, you know, muted or or a dull, but nobody can truly take that light.
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  Yeah.
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  So I can I understand what you're saying, and I agree with it, but I think that I had a
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  therapist once explain it to me?
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  As, you know, most families when they have that baby from the time that they're starting, they
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  are building up these self confidence things.
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  They're looking at the children and they're saying, you know, wow.
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  Look at you walk across the floor.
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  Oh, you're such a good walker.
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  You're set, and they're building these shelves.
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  But for people who have extreme neglect, those shelves are never built.
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  So we have to work, like, a 110 times harder.
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  In order to get one thing to stick.
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  And that is a really, really hard thing because it's just, like, we works we do.
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  You you said, you know, the the workaholic, we work ourselves to death, and I think those of
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  us that overcome oftentimes do because we we have so much to prove than other people don't
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  necessarily have.
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  You know, people first look at us and go, they expect the worst.
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  Right?
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  And that's not necessarily the case.
• 17:18
  Right?
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  Like, because, of course, we know, like, in our media, we see all the the the big names.
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  People like Oprah talked about being assaulted when she was young and those types of things.
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  So there is what we know is you are not defined by your trauma, but it really takes it's what
• 17:32
  steps do I take you know, to to be able to overcome that trauma.
• 17:36
  Oh, I think, you know, there are different ways that different generally.
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  I think a lot people, the symptoms are so high.
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  So that's what kind of what we see, right, kind of in the world, the addictions, the mental
• 17:46
  health concerns, lots of different things.
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  A lot of employees have worked at not be able to kind of, like you said, function as well
• 17:53
  because they're having these tough days.
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  Right?
• 17:55
  Like, so we do see a a variety of things.
• 17:58
  Because generally, and you tell me, and I wanna hear from your perspective, is that depletion
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  becomes something that becomes familiar.
• 18:06
  Replenishment is something that's unfamiliar where you have to learn how to give to yourself
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  so and be able to know, okay.
• 18:13
  Well, I'm filled And this is the base that I need to be at so that I can give, whereas,
• 18:20
  sometimes trauma victims will share I don't even know what it is to be filled up, but I
• 18:25
  just keep giving.
• 18:26
  Yeah.
• 18:28
  Maybe it's a thing of, like, when I turned forty, there definitely became a point of I
• 18:34
  don't have a time for this.
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  Like, I don't have to please everyone all the time.
• 18:39
  And, that has filled me up.
• 18:43
  Like, for me, people are like, why would you volunteer a skill that you have that you could
• 18:48
  get paid well for?
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  And I'm like, because it fills me.
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  It specifically fills me to go into schools and to work with kids who don't who never have the
• 18:58
  opportunity I live in a very, very comfortable Microsoft Amazon community.
• 19:04
  But there's some people who live in trailer parks and have nothing.
• 19:07
  You know, and they can't go and take a lesson here.
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  So that that's what fills me, and I know it.
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  And but then I do I feel the needed at the same time because I do want I do want the
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  appreciation that sometimes doesn't come with it.
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  You know?
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  Yeah.
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  And sometimes that that's a normal thing.
• 19:27
  Right?
• 19:28
  We do things, and we wanna be able to get the feedback.
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  So but sometimes it's it's it's far it's few and far between it.
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  Right?
• 19:34
  So it's being able it's being able to kind of save yourself.
• 19:37
  I'm doing this because I want to versus expecting that I'm gonna get validation from
• 19:43
  others.
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  Right?
• 19:44
  Sometimes you do.
• 19:45
  Sometimes you don't, but as let's be blunt.
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  As human beings, we all wanna be validated in sight.
• 19:49
  Yes.
• 19:50
  Exactly.
• 19:50
  Yeah.
• 19:51
  Yeah.
• 19:52
  So let's talk a little bit about some of the steps.
• 19:54
  Like you said, you went through all these homes and you must have taken certain steps to be
• 19:59
  able to get a hold of some of the things that you struggled with.
• 20:02
  What kind of things did you do?
• 20:04
  Sure.
• 20:06
  Well, I've had a lot of therapy.
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  That was the one thing that anytime that if if I were to job that offered I was in a therapist
• 20:15
  office.
• 20:15
  So that really helped having a vision and having especially some boundaries.
• 20:22
  From the very beginning.
• 20:23
  I remember once a boy asked me out in in high school, but I knew that he like, I had
• 20:30
  committed to I had committed to remaining a virgin.
• 20:33
  I didn't, but I had that 8th time I had.
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  And so I was just like, I really, really like you.
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  You're such a nice guy, but you don't fit into my vision.
• 20:43
  And I just told him that.
• 20:44
  I was like, You're not ambitious enough, and you don't fit into the vision of what I have
• 20:49
  for my life.
• 20:49
  So it would be a waste of both of our time.
• 20:51
  Yep.
• 20:52
  And so being really, really honest, has been something that has really helped me.
• 21:01
  It's hurt me and that some people are freaked out because I'm really straightforward, and
• 21:06
  some people are just like, you know, I march to the beat of my own drum and I always have a
• 21:11
  thing that really helped me was that I've always written.
• 21:15
  So I've been, like, writing my own stories for a long time not not fictional stories, but I've
• 21:24
  been speaking since I was 8 about or not not 8.
• 21:27
  I'm sorry.
• 21:27
  I've been speaking since I was in 8th grade about, about my experiences because Some of us
• 21:39
  are just I don't know if we're lucky, but we're just born a little differently and that we can
• 21:46
  find the silver lining and things.
• 21:48
  Mhmm.
• 21:48
  Mhmm.
• 21:49
  You know?
• 21:49
  And
• 21:50
  So you you started to that voice that was taken away from you you found relatively, and and I I
• 21:57
  I'm gonna just point the strength out.
• 21:58
  Right?
• 21:59
  Like, a lot of kids would not have gotten put themselves into foster care.
• 22:04
  Right.
• 22:04
  Right.
• 22:05
  So that's a resiliency point.
• 22:06
  And, and then you, you know, you found the fine arts quite early.
• 22:11
  So you found something you were passionate about that allowed you to express and then you
• 22:15
  started to speak.
• 22:17
  Right?
• 22:17
  And I know you've been, with your husband, you know, for a long time, and he's been
• 22:21
  supportive.
• 22:22
  Those types of things.
• 22:23
  What other support systems did you have personally or professionally that also would
• 22:28
  have communicate.
• 22:31
  A question that I ask when I interview people is, do you have a one person?
• 22:37
  So when I was in 5th grade, a girl called me a nigger and she, told everybody that my mom sold
• 22:44
  Coke and was in prison.
• 22:46
  It wasn't coke.
• 22:47
  It was marijuana.
• 22:48
  So I, like, lost I lost it.
• 22:53
  I jumped over a desk.
• 22:54
  I pulled her hair.
• 22:55
  It took 2 teachers to pull me off off of her.
• 22:58
  I had a reputation.
• 23:00
  Some people call me because Kara is hard.
• 23:03
  So some people call me Carrie.
• 23:05
  And so I had a reputation for the rest of the year.
• 23:08
  People called me scary.
• 23:10
  Okay.
• 23:10
  Okay.
• 23:11
  And, you know, it really hurts that, like, I was defending myself, and I got this
• 23:18
  reputation.
• 23:19
  So then I got into 6th grade, and I had this amazing teacher, Mister Garza.
• 23:23
  And he pulled me aside and he said, you know what?
• 23:27
  He, like, he had the posters, the the inspirational posters around his room.
• 23:30
  Like, whatever you think whatever you think you can, you're right or you're wrong.
• 23:35
  Whether you think you can or you can't, you're right or you're wrong.
• 23:37
  Right?
• 23:37
  Right.
• 23:37
  Right.
• 23:38
  We'll be out of the room, and he said, your life is in your hands.
• 23:42
  You know, how you how people see you is is on you And that completely changed things for me
• 23:50
  because it didn't matter that I had really awful foster parents at home saying things that
• 23:56
  By the time I was thirteen, I'd have 2 kids and be on welfare for the rest of my life because
• 24:00
  it was like, I'm not gonna be with these people forever.
• 24:05
  So So he was another inoculated factor then that he
• 24:09
  Yeah.
• 24:09
  Mister Garza was Mister Garza changed it for me from that day.
• 24:14
  So I went from having that reputation to getting every single character award that year
• 24:20
  in school.
• 24:21
  And from then on, That became a part of my identity.
• 24:25
  I remember one day in school, an English teacher had the kids had everybody write in a
• 24:30
  write thing.
• 24:32
  Just a a descriptive thing about a classmate, and this girl raises her hand, and she said,
• 24:37
  This person is nice to everyone.
• 24:39
  She always makes people feel good and, she's funny and blah blah blah.
• 24:44
  And everybody's everyone in my entire class's hand went up and including mine.
• 24:49
  And somebody said, me.
• 24:55
  And she goes, no.
• 24:58
  And everybody has went down except for mine.
• 25:02
  And I said the person that it was because I saw that person.
• 25:05
  I didn't see all this stuff about me, but when I when I saw that the entire classroom's hands,
• 25:11
  went down.
• 25:11
  It was incredibly powerful.
• 25:13
  You know?
• 25:14
  Absolutely.
• 25:15
  What an empowering thing to have happen.
• 25:17
  It really Especially especially especially combating all the things that, like you said,
• 25:20
  you're like, you're pushing against, you know, attention at home and Yes.
• 25:25
  Internally potentially too.
• 25:27
  And then you start to have these positive things kind of come your way.
• 25:30
  Now four people listening.
• 25:32
  Right?
• 25:32
  If there's kids listening, Karab, or if there's employers listening, right, or or you because
• 25:38
  we bring ourselves to work.
• 25:39
  You brought your time to work through this.
• 25:41
  What kind of things would you what kind of advice would you give to people that may know
• 25:47
  someone's going through something, but they don't know what to do as an employer, for
• 25:51
  instance, you've had bosses that knew, you know, that when you were taking responsibility
• 25:56
  and trying to get your help along the way, what what kind of things would you suggest to them
• 26:02
  to help someone that, you know, may they may not know the extent of what someone's going
• 26:06
  through, but they know the Right.
• 26:07
  Bubbling.
• 26:09
  Yeah.
• 26:09
  We should I mean, as cliches it is, it's it's about being judgmental.
• 26:15
  You know, like, we really do need to look at people for their care Yeah.
• 26:20
  And we also need to give people opportunities to let their character shine because sometimes
• 26:27
  we just the hardest thing I think about growing up in foster care or poor or, you know,
• 26:35
  disadvantaged in any way is that you get a label and you have to you're constantly finding
• 26:42
  that label.
• 26:42
  I fight that label as, minority woman No.
• 26:46
  Like, when people will say, oh, you know, you're a black woman.
• 26:50
  I'll say, actually, I'm biracial, and I'll, like, tell them flat out.
• 26:53
  You know?
• 26:54
  Take an apple and you cut it in half, there's two sides.
• 26:57
  Mhmm.
• 26:58
  And, we shouldn't have to defend ourselves to that level all the time.
• 27:04
  And I think that we're not given the benefit of the doubt.
• 27:08
  I understand that because I also really struggle with giving people the benefit of the
• 27:13
  doubt.
• 27:14
  I will embrace people and bring them in and help them however I can.
• 27:19
  But if they prove to be untrustworthy, I'm done.
• 27:23
  You know, I that is something that that is something that resilience I don't know if
• 27:29
  that's resilience.
• 27:30
  Or not, but whatever it is, that's something that that I I've learned, but I think that for
• 27:35
  most people, it's a matter of letting people be in the space where they're at.
• 27:41
  And I also think that giving people the benefit of the doubt.
• 27:44
  If you don't know if that
• 27:45
  person about kindness like, really right?
• 27:48
  Like, whether it's someone that has been through as many things that you have been
• 27:53
  through by age five, or you just know that someone's struggling.
• 27:56
  And I do, but at the same time, like, I hate the aces thing because it tells so many people
• 28:04
  that you've been through so much.
• 28:06
  It's okay for you to be you know, to take the label of victim and to, like, kind of wallow in
• 28:13
  that.
• 28:14
  Yep.
• 28:14
  And so I think that kindness like, I love my son very, very much, but I don't just give him
• 28:24
  everything.
• 28:24
  He doesn't get an he doesn't just get that escape on everything.
• 28:27
  I think a huge thing that people need to do is expect more from people.
• 28:32
  But in in a positive way, not just say, oh, you've been through a lot.
• 28:38
  So that's totally understandable that you can't get here on time.
• 28:42
  It's not true.
• 28:43
  You know?
• 28:45
  So it's already kinda look at the, you know, you talked about so many resiliency factors.
• 28:49
  Right?
• 28:50
  Right.
• 28:51
  I call them the inoculated factors.
• 28:52
  It's kinda like, you know, you get a burst.
• 28:54
  You get that experience at school and want a nice thing.
• 28:57
  That's like a that's like a nice roasting.
• 28:59
  Right?
• 29:00
  Like, of all of all the things you got.
• 29:03
  You you went and you said, get me out of there.
• 29:06
  I need I need a home.
• 29:08
  Not knowing what you're going to, but you you couldn't survive, like you said, and you you
• 29:12
  you know, which again is immense amount of strength at your age.
• 29:16
  You know, then, you know, you started to write.
• 29:20
  Right?
• 29:20
  So somewhere in there, and you know that writing is one of the most cathartic Oh, yeah.
• 29:26
  Liberating things you can do.
• 29:27
  So you read in your wrote, right?
• 29:29
  And, and then you you found the art.
• 29:32
  So again, I I guess what I what I hear and I, you know, maybe I want your perspective on
• 29:37
  this.
• 29:38
  I want people to recognize that when we look at the stats of how many people have been true
• 29:42
  from events.
• 29:43
  It's 1 out of 3 in women and 1 out of 6 in men.
• 29:46
  That's high.
• 29:47
  Now that we're, you know, talking about it openly, and more than likely, If you're a
• 29:52
  leader, you have people on your teams dealing with it.
• 29:54
  If you're an HR manager and you're having someone struggle, you know, all those people we
• 29:59
  are all people and we bring ourselves to work that we have to be more kind and gentle, but
• 30:05
  not looking as a deficit because to your point, you have strengths that I don't have because of
• 30:10
  some of
• 30:10
  the things that you've been through.
• 30:12
  Right.
• 30:13
  Yeah.
• 30:13
  I think that's a perfect perfect perspective.
• 30:16
  Like, people oftentimes look at us and think that, I mean, for a lot of people and a lot of
• 30:21
  people, when you hold when you hold your trunk on your shoulder or wear it as, you know, as a
• 30:25
  badge, than people do, they kind of go, like, the best they can give you is while you've been
• 30:31
  through a lot.
• 30:32
  Right.
• 30:32
  You know?
• 30:33
  But the truth is is that every single person can overcome.
• 30:40
  I mean, maybe not people who are severely mentally or, you know, physically, but but
• 30:46
  every single healthy type person can overcome.
• 30:51
  You need people in your corner?
• 30:55
  Ideally you need therapy, but if you can't do therapy, you can go to the library and get
• 31:01
  booked You can listen to TED Talks.
• 31:03
  You can listen to podcasts.
• 31:04
  You know, there are things that you can do to I'm I'm what you call I may pronounce it wrong,
• 31:11
  but in auto didact, meaning I felt taught.
• 31:14
  Right?
• 31:15
  And everybody can be self taught, especially in today's day and age.
• 31:21
  Yeah.
• 31:21
  And I think, you know, never underestimate the power of of, social connection and, whether
• 31:29
  it's online forums or because people want the anonymity or you know, different women's
• 31:35
  organizations or if it's men that are survivors, you know, find the right support,
• 31:40
  find the friends you know, like, I mean, and if you don't have a friend that's listened, try to
• 31:45
  scorch these different environments to find someone that really gets you know, in whatever
• 31:49
  realm because there's no one path that's, you can take to to recover.
• 31:56
  Right?
• 31:57
  There's lots of different ways.
• 31:58
  Whether it's reading, listening, going listening to somebody else talk about and
• 32:02
  listen to a good podcast, you know, hearing our podcast today, I'm sure there's gonna people
• 32:07
  go, oh, wow.
• 32:08
  Like, you know, I wonder now how many people have actually been through things and how could
• 32:12
  I, in my day to day, life be kind because I'm not really sure what that person's been
• 32:17
  through, but I think kindness often cuts through the issue regardless of what it is.
• 32:22
  Yeah.
• 32:23
  So, grab, I'm sure we could probably go on and on, but, what's if there's any people out
• 32:31
  there, that are thinking, I'm not good enough or I, you know, I can't get over this or What
• 32:39
  what kinds of words of wisdom would you give them?
• 32:41
  You know, because you've been there and you continue to kind of inspire other women, or I
• 32:48
  say people to to to to live their best life.
• 32:51
  What kind of words of wisdom do you have for them?
• 32:53
  Well, I think that when we feel that are absolute worse, we need to take ourselves out
• 32:59
  of ourselves.
• 33:00
  And and I learned this you know, from being in theater and and acting so I can see we need to
• 33:07
  observe other people because generally, I believe that most people think well of us.
• 33:15
  So and if you can think about those people and think about, well, this person thinks I'm
• 33:21
  really smart.
• 33:22
  This person thinks I'm really funny.
• 33:24
  You know, if you can do that and then you can start affecting those things.
• 33:27
  No.
• 33:28
  Well, if they think that and I and I like that person, you know, that person is a smart put
• 33:33
  together person.
• 33:35
  If they think that about me, then it must be those things and claim them for yourself.
• 33:40
  You know, I think a huge part of what we go through is we get so caught up in our past.
• 33:47
  What we really need to do is is be in the present and focus on the future.
• 33:55
  Absolutely.
• 33:56
  Because you can't the the past has already gone, but it you know, our brain and our body
• 34:00
  kind of tries to protect us and the protection may be at a level that we don't let really good
• 34:05
  people in to your point, and I love that frame.
• 34:09
  Right?
• 34:09
  If I'm not feeling it and I'm I'm trying to recover from, something, interview the people
• 34:15
  around you that'll love you.
• 34:16
  Right?
• 34:17
  So and say, tell me yeah.
• 34:19
  Tell me how you see me.
• 34:21
  Right?
• 34:21
  Because that gives you a reflective lens to potentially with times.
• 34:24
  Wow.
• 34:25
  Crab is kind or crab is, you know, she's gentle.
• 34:29
  And then you may not feel it at that point, but you know that other people see it.
• 34:34
  So that means that you need to just work on yourself so that you could eventually,
• 34:38
  recognize that what they're seeing is real, and that's where the work kind of comes.
• 34:43
  Right.
• 34:43
  Yeah.
• 34:43
  I think the the last thing is just, like, it's very hard to be vulnerable because people are
• 34:49
  afraid of being hurt.
• 34:51
  But to ask people because some people will look at you, like, oh, you're just a narcissist.
• 34:56
  You just wanna be, you know, built up.
• 34:58
  But if you tell people where you're at before you ask them that question, if you say, you
• 35:03
  know, I'm having a really, really hard time and This is why they're more likely to understand
• 35:10
  that you really be, genuine in what it is that they that they tell you?
• 35:16
  Well, this has been a this has been a such an inspiring, time with you Korab.
• 35:22
  Now for people, that wanna hear more, tell them about the podcast.
• 35:26
  We will include, the link that you'll give us in the show notes.
• 35:29
  But tell them where they can listen and, and where they can go to hold of you if they wanted
• 35:34
  more.
• 35:35
  Sure.
• 35:35
  So everything I do is on age out rise up.
• 35:38
  So age out is the term that they use when when you've left foster care without being adopted
• 35:43
  or returning home.
• 35:45
  So it's age out, rise up, and that is a podcast, a blog.
• 35:51
  It's going to be a YouTube channel.
• 35:53
  My plan is to launch, on Mother's Day.
• 35:57
  Just to give people a voice that, on the other side of mother's day, and you can always email
• 36:04
  me at ageout riseup atgmail.com.
• 36:08
  And I also have the Facebook group, agent rise up community.
• 36:11
  Awesome.
• 36:12
  Awesome.
• 36:13
  So for everyone, you know, I listen and I I think, you know, what can anyone do?
• 36:18
  Whether you're a leader or you're a friend, or you're, you know, you're recognizing that all
• 36:24
  you can do is to just be gentle and kind and don't assume you know, what someone's going
• 36:30
  through.
• 36:30
  It could be something very small or or something quite big, but I think in that
• 36:34
  gentleness and kindness and, from Grab's perspective is, you know, in be in creating
• 36:39
  that space and holding that space for someone, What you really do is they allow their our
• 36:44
  ability to be human and connected and that person can feel that space in how you can help
• 36:51
  them And that also speaks to their heart that says someone cares, and maybe I can take that
• 36:56
  step to reach out to get the help that I need.
• 36:59
  So thanks again so much, Corab, for anyone needing any more information, on mental health
• 37:04
  and wellness.
• 37:04
  You know, I'm a keynote speaker, a trainer, and a coach, and I can be reached at
• 37:09
  roxanderhodge.com.
• 37:11
  So take care, and we'll talk to you soon.
• 37:14
  Thanks for tuning in to authentic living with Roxanne, creating the space for positive
• 37:19
  healthy change.
• 37:21
  Roxanne is a keynote speaker, psychotherapist, and coach to work with Roxanne, visit
• 37:27
  rocksandirhaj.com/blueprint.
• 37:31
  We'll see you next time.
• 37:33
  On authentic living with Roxanne.