Latest / Unlocking The Paradigm Portal / **TRIGGER WARNING** Sunday Deep Dive: Real Conversations - What Teenagers Wish Their Parents Understood (From an Actual Teen)

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**TRIGGER WARNING** Sunday Deep Dive: Real Conversations - What Teenagers Wish Their Parents Understood (From an Actual Teen) · Unlocking The Paradigm Portal

• 0:02
  Hello everyone, welcome back to unlocking the Paradigm portal.
• 0:05
  My name is Sarah and I am back for another Sunday deep dive.
• 0:10
  So last week you got a little insight into me and this week I
• 0:14
  decided to try an interview with one of the most awesome human
• 0:19
  beings that I know. Not just because I grew her and
• 0:23
  birthed her, but it is my teenage daughter Quinn.
• 0:28
  So Quinn, say hello. Hi.
• 0:31
  So I have some questions for you and I want to make it clear.
• 0:37
  If you don't want to answer, you say pass.
• 0:39
  If you need a pause to think about it and come back, let me
• 0:43
  know. This is all about you right now,
• 0:45
  OK? Got it.
• 0:47
  Sounds good. All right, so we're going to
• 0:50
  try. How would you describe yourself
• 0:54
  right now? Right now I would describe
• 0:57
  myself as very tired. Honestly, I have a lot on my
• 1:07
  mind preparing myself for this. And yeah, I feel very prepared
• 1:17
  and ready for this. OK, what was what's the lot on
• 1:22
  your mind in preparation? Well, I wasn't sure what kind of
• 1:27
  questions they would be and how long they would be for because I
• 1:32
  am not good at sitting around. I'm very good at doing two
• 1:36
  things at once, so this is going to be a little difficult for me.
• 1:41
  But I want to. Do it.
• 1:44
  And just to make sure anyone listening knows she has no idea
• 1:48
  what I'm going to ask. Her I have no clue.
• 1:50
  I'm putting her completely on the spot because this is what
• 1:53
  you do when you have teenagers to kind of torture them a little
• 1:56
  bit. Oh God.
• 1:58
  So Quinn, what do you feel people misunderstand about you
• 2:02
  the most? A lot of people think that I'm
• 2:08
  very self-centered and personally I do not think that
• 2:13
  I'm very much. I want everybody around me to be
• 2:16
  happy rather than myself. So I would say I'm very
• 2:20
  selfless, but a lot of people would disagree because they
• 2:25
  don't actually know who I am on the inside.
• 2:28
  OK. Do you put enough value on you
• 2:32
  being happy too, do you think? I don't think I put enough value
• 2:36
  into me. I'm more of a people pleaser and
• 2:39
  putting that on everybody else instead.
• 2:42
  OK. So have you, have you always
• 2:47
  been like that or do you feel like that is shifting at all as
• 2:50
  you get older? I definitely think it's shifting
• 2:53
  because I switched to homeschooling so I'm not.
• 2:57
  I'm focusing on myself a lot more.
• 2:59
  Yeah, OK. Well, since you brought up
• 3:02
  homeschooling, how do you feel about homeschooling?
• 3:05
  I quite. Like it.
• 3:07
  The one downside about homeschooling is I don't see
• 3:10
  kids a lot. But that's also a little bit of
• 3:13
  my fault because I'm not putting myself out there and doing clubs
• 3:16
  and everything. So I could very much change
• 3:22
  that, but I just haven't. Maybe because it's winter, but
• 3:27
  yeah. Do you feel like you've needed a
• 3:30
  little bit of a retreat from the world and and you're getting
• 3:34
  ready to head back out into it? Oh yeah.
• 3:37
  Yeah. I've needed a break from the
• 3:40
  world. Yes, and I have to say, you may
• 3:43
  not recognize it, but I noticed that there have been multiple
• 3:46
  times that you have gone to groups where you knew nobody,
• 3:51
  which I I know most adults won't do that.
• 3:54
  So high 5 to you? I would give you an actual high
• 3:57
  5, but we're in different parts of the house.
• 3:59
  Yeah. So.
• 4:01
  I'll give you 1 after this. Thank you.
• 4:04
  OK, next one. What feels most important to you
• 4:07
  at this point in your life, at this age, at this stage?
• 4:13
  Definitely friends, because friends are the kind of people
• 4:17
  that when you have a good relationship with them, they are
• 4:20
  very hard to replace. And when you start getting into
• 4:25
  middle school and high school, that's when the friends are most
• 4:27
  important because you're going through the most in your life
• 4:30
  possible. So it's really good to have a
• 4:33
  good group of friends and not like a really big one because
• 4:37
  half the time they're always talking really badly about each
• 4:40
  other behind their back. So to answer that, I definitely
• 4:47
  think friends and family. OK.
• 4:49
  Could I ask you to share if you're comfortable, Share a
• 4:52
  little story of if you remember it back.
• 4:57
  Which one? This is the.
• 4:58
  Cage. In 4th grade.
• 5:01
  Yes. Yes, I will.
• 5:03
  I'll share that. It was brilliant, brilliant,
• 5:06
  beautiful insight. So when I was in 4th grade, I
• 5:10
  was the kind of girl that had friends all over, so many
• 5:14
  friends, and all of them just wanted to have my attention all
• 5:17
  at once. And it was very stressful.
• 5:21
  And one day after school, I'd went to my mom and I was telling
• 5:25
  her how I felt like I was a bird trapped in a cage and
• 5:30
  everybody's just trying to Take Me Out and grab me and like,
• 5:35
  make it so I they only can hang out with me.
• 5:38
  And then they're just passing me around.
• 5:40
  But I never get time to myself and I'm not able to be freed
• 5:45
  because of all the people trying to get attention.
• 5:50
  It was. Can I do you mind if I share?
• 5:53
  I remember your wording because I was so blown away.
• 5:56
  I don't mind. And for a child, it was the
• 5:59
  most. And I'm a very visual thinker
• 6:03
  anyway, so it was the most beautiful description that I
• 6:06
  immediately understood. And you said, mom, it's like I'm
• 6:10
  a bird and I just want to fly free.
• 6:13
  And all my friends are in a circle around me, and they all
• 6:15
  have these beautiful cages. And they open the door and it's
• 6:18
  like they call me over to get my attention.
• 6:21
  And then they coax me into the cage.
• 6:23
  And then they close the door to keep me in it.
• 6:25
  And then I have to talk them into letting me out so I can fly
• 6:28
  free again because I'm a bird. I want to fly free.
• 6:31
  So I get out, but then I fly over to another friend to visit
• 6:35
  and then they coax me into the cage and they close the door and
• 6:39
  I just keep having to do this. But all I want is to visit my
• 6:42
  friends and continue flying free.
• 6:45
  And I remember sitting there being like, who is this child?
• 6:49
  Just so brilliantly insightful. And that it's that's a
• 6:56
  challenge. And I love the fact that at a
• 6:58
  young age you were able to put that feeling into a description
• 7:03
  and into words and recognize how you were feeling instead of just
• 7:07
  emotional overwhelm. But frankly, you have always
• 7:10
  been extremely emotionally intelligent, almost to a point
• 7:15
  that it's heavy. Yeah.
• 7:18
  Yeah. Have you felt super like
• 7:22
  overloaded with heavy emotions? Yes.
• 7:27
  Yes. Anything that you'd like to
• 7:28
  share or not so much? Just a lot of depressed feelings
• 7:37
  and a lot of depression. Like you've got known what I've
• 7:40
  went through because I am very open about this.
• 7:45
  I in the span of two months had went to two psych wards and
• 7:53
  definitely put me through a lot. But after that, I was really a
• 7:59
  lot better. And then I was in a respite
• 8:02
  center in November, October, and I am a completely different
• 8:08
  person now. Like that put me through like
• 8:12
  that, just let everything out. I was crying every single day
• 8:15
  and I needed that so much because I needed to get better.
• 8:20
  And now I'm a lot better. Do you want to share any insight
• 8:26
  into what happens or what's going on as a teenager that has
• 8:31
  those heavy, heavy feelings coming that had you needing to
• 8:35
  step away? And you said psych ward, but it
• 8:38
  was a pediatric psychiatric inpatient's day.
• 8:44
  And you share whatever you're comfortable with.
• 8:46
  And I'm only, I know you had said beforehand that you were
• 8:50
  comfortable talking about this. And I just know there's so many
• 8:53
  people, kids that are dealing with this and adults and parents
• 8:58
  that feel overwhelmed and don't know how to handle it.
• 9:02
  And we preface this by saying how unbelievably proud I am of
• 9:08
  the fact that you were able to speak up for how you were
• 9:11
  feeling. You were very open and you have
• 9:15
  dug in and very intensely worked through some some stuff that
• 9:21
  most adults avoid. So you're awesome.
• 9:25
  So with a personal perspective of what it's like to go through
• 9:30
  so much at a young age, is is so difficult to on to like explain
• 9:39
  the feelings unless you've gone through it.
• 9:42
  Because the like when I was in still in school, like in public
• 9:48
  school, everyone around me was always like, if you ever need to
• 9:52
  talk to somebody, make sure you get help.
• 9:54
  But then you get help and get made fun, like get made fun of
• 9:58
  horribly for being in a place for getting help, which is
• 10:04
  something that doesn't even sound like could be real.
• 10:08
  But when you're in there once, if you have one bad day or you
• 10:11
  start crying, like I would be really sad and I would go the
• 10:14
  like the counselor's office and I would say I'm in a really sad
• 10:18
  move, like a really mood, sorry. And I just need like to be here
• 10:25
  for a for like a few minutes and something or something.
• 10:29
  And the first thing should be like is are you having dark
• 10:33
  thoughts? Like when you go through that,
• 10:39
  it people around you sometimes depending on who you are, they
• 10:44
  make it like your whole personality.
• 10:47
  And I'm not speaking for everyone.
• 10:48
  I was speaking for my for what I had gone through, but it was
• 10:52
  really difficult being around the entire school district.
• 10:56
  That's like, be who you are, get help if you need it.
• 10:59
  We're always here to support you.
• 11:01
  And then they don't support you after you get.
• 11:03
  Help. It sounds like there were good
• 11:07
  intentions and people wanted to help, but the way that you
• 11:14
  describe it, and I wasn't there for the interactions when you
• 11:17
  would go into I would just get the calls and everything.
• 11:19
  But it sounds like it's yes, reach out for help.
• 11:23
  But then when you would, there was almost like a a touch of I
• 11:28
  don't want to. I don't know if I would say
• 11:29
  shame, but just immediately instead of meeting you where you
• 11:34
  were at, going all the way into like the deep end when it wasn't
• 11:39
  necessarily always to that point.
• 11:42
  Does that sound right? Yeah, Am I allowed to swear on
• 11:45
  here? Nothing bad.
• 11:48
  OK. So I feel like they're always
• 11:51
  talking about how get help, but then when somebody does, they're
• 11:55
  like, oh shit, we've never had this before.
• 11:58
  It's scary. Yeah, it's very scary, including
• 12:05
  being a person that has gone through it too.
• 12:07
  Yeah. Like people, it's OK, People
• 12:11
  don't understand what it's like in those kind of places and, and
• 12:15
  being such a dark place in life that you're just like doubting
• 12:21
  everything that's been happening and having that happen in school
• 12:28
  where you should feel comfortable is not the best
• 12:33
  thing to go through at that time.
• 12:34
  Yeah, but you never backed down with reaching out.
• 12:42
  I'm pretty good at reaching out when I need help.
• 12:46
  You really, really are. And I will say as the mom in
• 12:49
  this situation, I am really appreciative of the fact that I
• 12:55
  had done I, I really do feel that all the years and years of
• 13:00
  therapy and everything I did beforehand was like my training
• 13:03
  grounds to be ready to support you.
• 13:07
  And I imagine any, I mean, I can only speak for me, but I imagine
• 13:12
  most parents go right into the red alert mode of like, OK, I
• 13:19
  have to do everything and balance everything and what do
• 13:22
  we do? And kind of like autopilot, just
• 13:24
  get it done mode. And I know a lot of people who
• 13:27
  have had kids that have struggled with this stuff too.
• 13:29
  And they, it's not uncommon for the thought to be like, how did
• 13:35
  I make this happen? What did I do as a mom or a dad
• 13:38
  or whatever instead of. And I understand that and tell
• 13:43
  me if this is a helpful thing to say for on your end.
• 13:49
  I understand that feeling and that thought that comes up and
• 13:55
  the parental judgement and everything.
• 13:57
  However, as the parents in the situation, we need to deal with
• 14:02
  that ourselves and put that aside and just be like, this is
• 14:06
  about you right now, not about me and anything I did or didn't
• 14:10
  do. How can I support you?
• 14:12
  And I think it's very difficult because it's scary as hell.
• 14:16
  And you just want to like, scoop your baby up and tuck him in and
• 14:19
  be like, Nope, Nope, Nope. You're OK.
• 14:21
  Instead of like, you're in a tough place.
• 14:25
  Yeah, yeah. I wasn't expecting to jump right
• 14:28
  into this stuff like we don't mess around.
• 14:31
  Yeah, I'm going to share a story that happened in last October.
• 14:37
  So there was a lot of stuff going on with my great grandma.
• 14:40
  I'm not going to get into specifics, not my story tell,
• 14:44
  but there was a lot going on. I was spending the weekend at my
• 14:48
  grandma's because I'm very close with my grandma.
• 14:51
  I love my grandma so much and all of that stuff, like what's
• 14:58
  happening when I was there and it was very hard for me and like
• 15:04
  I was just sobbing on the front steps at my great grandma's
• 15:09
  house, not knowing what to do, not being able to help.
• 15:12
  Like I said, I'm a people pleaser.
• 15:13
  I just wanted to help. And the next day I was with my
• 15:18
  grandma and I was like, I am not OK right now.
• 15:23
  And I had called my dad, very proud of my dad for this moment.
• 15:27
  He was like, do you want me to come over there?
• 15:31
  Because I will drop everything, Come over there.
• 15:33
  I said no, it's OK. 30 minutes later, he shows up and then I'm
• 15:38
  talking to them and I'm like, I remember my mom had said there's
• 15:42
  a place that if I'm not hospital level, but I just need to go to
• 15:48
  get away from everything and escape the world for a little
• 15:51
  bit that I can go there. So I immediately texted my mom
• 15:56
  and I was like, I need to go to that place.
• 16:00
  And boom, at 8:00 PM that night, I was at that place.
• 16:07
  I am forever thankful for that place.
• 16:09
  That place was a godsend. It was honestly amazing.
• 16:14
  And I will say for any parents that are that have kids that are
• 16:19
  struggling and the parents are struggling, look into respite
• 16:24
  centers and that we had gotten the info from after one of the
• 16:31
  hospital stays, Quinn did an intensive outpatient program
• 16:34
  where she did a lot of DBT therapy, dialectical behavioral
• 16:38
  therapy. There was parent groups, there
• 16:40
  were peer groups, there were processed.
• 16:42
  It was an amazing program. Very intense though, yeah.
• 16:47
  They had like 2 hours three times a week.
• 16:50
  We were up there constantly. It was crazy.
• 16:53
  But it was completely worth it. And they had given us info about
• 16:59
  a respite center locally. And fortunately, I know someone
• 17:03
  who works up there who had said to me, you need anything, let me
• 17:08
  know. And even if I didn't know her,
• 17:11
  these respite centers are pretty, at least I can only
• 17:14
  speak for my area. They're amazing because as a
• 17:17
  parent, you can go on. You fill out the form, you
• 17:19
  submit it, they call, they talk you through things, check to see
• 17:23
  what level the child is AT and how, what kind of level of care
• 17:28
  they need. And this one was incredible
• 17:32
  because she was able, like we literally zoomed up there.
• 17:37
  It was all covered. And she got to have her own room
• 17:40
  and her own space. And but like, I would come up
• 17:45
  and pick her up at 9:00 in the morning and we would go to
• 17:47
  Barnes and Noble and work on laptops and grab a coffee and do
• 17:52
  some errands and then I drop her back off.
• 17:54
  So it wasn't like you didn't see each other.
• 17:57
  It was everyone got some space so kiddo could have
• 18:01
  decompression time away from the world.
• 18:03
  Parents got decompression time where every everything could
• 18:07
  just slow down. It was I'm again, I know I keep
• 18:11
  saying this and yes, I'm kind of fawning over you.
• 18:13
  I'm so proud of the fact that that's why when I got the text,
• 18:17
  and I have friends that were with me that day who had talked
• 18:20
  about this, that when my phone dinged and it was the text from
• 18:24
  you saying I need to go there. And one of them said they
• 18:28
  watched me literally shift into like commander mode.
• 18:33
  And I was like, boom, done. Got it all set and phone calls
• 18:36
  made everything. And then it's like, OK, let's
• 18:38
  wait. Like 6 hours later I was.
• 18:41
  It wasn't even packed. It wasn't even 6 hours.
• 18:43
  It was like 3 hours later you were all set and they were
• 18:46
  supposed to check you in the next day.
• 18:48
  And then they call back and they go, does she want to come
• 18:51
  tonight? And you were just vigorously
• 18:53
  nodding. And I was like, we there in 20
• 18:56
  minutes, she's packed, she's ready to go.
• 18:58
  This is what she needs. I listen to what she needs.
• 19:01
  It was and it was like 3 weeks that you were up there, right?
• 19:08
  3/4 full weeks, I'm pretty sure. And the probably the best part
• 19:13
  about it was there were other kids there and you had your own
• 19:19
  room, but you could also have your phone and electronics and
• 19:22
  there was ATV in the room and they had like they had their own
• 19:26
  Alexa so you could like listen to music when you're going to
• 19:29
  sleep and stuff. Really good.
• 19:31
  If you wanted to like go to the store and you had money.
• 19:35
  I had my mom get me a dollar Dollar Tree gift card and they
• 19:39
  would and they could bring me down to Dollar Tree in one of
• 19:42
  their like cars that they have and then I would get stuff at
• 19:47
  Dollar Tree that I wanted and then they would bring me back.
• 19:52
  Well, let me add, if you are, if your kid is in school, and
• 19:56
  again, it's just the specific one they would bring you, they
• 20:00
  would bring you to and from school activities.
• 20:02
  It's it's life continues as normal for the kiddo.
• 20:06
  Just a different place to live. And they get to get out of it.
• 20:09
  So for some kids, home environment is not great.
• 20:13
  So then they get to be like remove themselves from it to
• 20:16
  decompress. In this case, Quentin just got
• 20:21
  she had a lot of things hitting at once and knew what she needed
• 20:26
  and spoke up for it. And I love that you did that.
• 20:30
  And I hope that that showed you when you, cuz I know you said
• 20:34
  earlier that you focus on other people, maybe did you say that
• 20:40
  earlier or was that when we, when we tried the first time
• 20:44
  around and it wasn't we had to start over again either?
• 20:47
  It was the first. Time.
• 20:49
  Either way we had to try re recording again.
• 20:52
  Yeah. If we didn't say it this time,
• 20:54
  Quinn was saying that she has tended to be a people pleaser.
• 20:57
  But I hope that you got to see that when you need something and
• 21:00
  you speak it clearly and assertively, it happens.
• 21:05
  So, OK, moving into other questions.
• 21:10
  Yeah. Where do you feel most like
• 21:12
  yourself? Where or around whom or in what
• 21:17
  kind of situations? Probably around people that I
• 21:20
  feel very trusted and comfortable around.
• 21:23
  So like you, my dad, my stepmom, my little cousins, I love them
• 21:29
  so much. So like really close family and
• 21:33
  like really close friends. When you're around people that
• 21:37
  you can just be yourself, what does that feel like for you?
• 21:42
  Calming because I love when I'm with my friends because we all
• 21:48
  have similar energy. So I will literally like I was
• 21:54
  having an ADHD moment before we started recording.
• 21:57
  My friends will literally, my friends will literally just be
• 22:00
  looking at me and just be like, OK, Quinn, you do you.
• 22:06
  So I, in this podcast, I, since my work is somatic work, which
• 22:12
  is connecting to the body. You know this, I've worked on
• 22:14
  you. Yeah.
• 22:15
  Can you describe when you're around people that you feel you
• 22:20
  can just be yourself? What does that feel like, if
• 22:22
  you're able to describe it in your body?
• 22:28
  Let's see, normally I would describe myself like around
• 22:32
  people. I don't, no.
• 22:34
  What does that feel like? Start there.
• 22:37
  I'm like, it feels like a very solid rock, like I'm just very
• 22:43
  tense. Don't like to talk a lot if I'm
• 22:46
  not comfortable around them. Like at family parties.
• 22:49
  If I don't really like the family, that sounds bad.
• 22:52
  But yeah, then I will just like not talk at all, which is not
• 22:57
  normal because I love to talk and whenever I'm like around my
• 23:03
  friends or my family. I can, I literally just saw the
• 23:08
  lights. Sorry if you hear the sirens in
• 23:10
  the background. We live near a fire department.
• 23:13
  Yeah, I just looked out the window.
• 23:15
  And we live fairly close to the road, so yeah, keep going,
• 23:18
  Quinn. So.
• 23:19
  Then instead of like a towel or what I was gonna say, when I'm
• 23:25
  around people I'm comfortable with, I feel like a towel
• 23:27
  because I feel very soft and like flexible and I'm like very
• 23:33
  airy and light and I like to talk a lot.
• 23:36
  But when I'm not around people I'm comfortable with, I'm like a
• 23:39
  rock. Sorry I mixed up my words.
• 23:41
  It's OK, you got thrown off by the sounds.
• 23:44
  Yeah. OK, all right.
• 23:50
  What does a hard day feel like on the inside?
• 23:56
  Hard day, depressed day, both the same thing for me.
• 24:00
  Yeah. All I want to do is lay on the
• 24:03
  couch, lay in my bed, sleep all day.
• 24:07
  It feels very much like a like a rainy storm.
• 24:13
  Interesting word. Like a storm and it's like
• 24:18
  flooding outside and you're stuck inside, but it's also
• 24:22
  cold. So it's kind of like you're
• 24:26
  trapped and it's gloomy outside and all you want to do is just
• 24:29
  see sunlight and then the next day it'll be sunny with rainbows
• 24:35
  and happy. Does it typically just, I mean,
• 24:39
  at this point, we're not like last year was a lot of darkness,
• 24:42
  but this year now you know what, I'm not even going to go this
• 24:47
  year. In the present moment when those
• 24:49
  days hit, do they last for a long time or is it just kind of
• 24:54
  it sits for the day and then you kind of sit in it and then it
• 24:58
  passes? It definitely just sits for like
• 25:04
  a day, sometimes a few hours and then it'll just go away the next
• 25:10
  day. OK.
• 25:12
  Yeah, I'm very much a person that whenever I'm in that kind
• 25:16
  of mood, I take a shower. Unless I'm in a mood where I
• 25:21
  don't want to take a shower, then I'm screwed.
• 25:24
  Like recently when you were saying you don't like the feel
• 25:26
  of the water. Yeah, it's weird.
• 25:29
  I love the feel of being clean. I love the feeling of
• 25:32
  cleanliness and that like, and everything, but I hate the
• 25:36
  feeling of having like, shampoo and stuff on my hands and then
• 25:41
  like your hands like wrinkle up and stuff.
• 25:44
  It feels really weird to me. Like I that's the feeling of
• 25:47
  like water, like showering down on you.
• 25:50
  I don't know why I hate the feeling of it, but I'm not a
• 25:53
  dirty person, no. Thank you for clarifying that.
• 25:57
  I'm not dirty. That is, that's a new thing.
• 26:01
  So interesting sensory, is it? When you're feeling in that
• 26:07
  stormy internal place, is there anything that helps?
• 26:11
  Music. OK.
• 26:13
  When I was at the rest of it center, I was listening to music
• 26:18
  all day every day with my air pods in my ears.
• 26:22
  Listening to music because kind of like Max with the Upside Down
• 26:28
  and Stranger Things music helps her pull it out.
• 26:32
  That's how I am with depressed feelings.
• 26:35
  OK. Music just frees me.
• 26:38
  OK, is there anything else that helps?
• 26:44
  A good hug. OK, your cat.
• 26:52
  Oh, I love my cat and my puppy. My puppy at my.
• 26:56
  Dad's I love I as a side note, I will say her cat is like her
• 27:04
  spirit animal. And there have been so many
• 27:08
  times he was born in our our garage at our old house from a
• 27:12
  neighbor cat. So we've had him since birth.
• 27:15
  And yeah, and she would be, this was last year.
• 27:19
  She would be up in her room like you didn't know that she was
• 27:23
  having a hard time. And all of a sudden her cat
• 27:27
  would out of nowhere. And he has like this little
• 27:30
  kitten Meow still, even though he's a few years old.
• 27:33
  And he would just actually, I think he's 5 now.
• 27:36
  And he just, yeah, he'll be 5 in September.
• 27:40
  He he would walk, he would sound frantic, moving through the
• 27:44
  house, going. Mew mew mew mew.
• 27:46
  Searching for her, it's like he just could tell something was
• 27:51
  off with her vibe. It's absolutely fascinating to
• 27:55
  observe. And when she's not at my house
• 27:58
  and she's at her dad's house, he just sleeps on my bed 24/7 like
• 28:03
  he's in a holding pattern waiting for her to come.
• 28:06
  Back like hibernation, basically just waiting for me to come
• 28:09
  back. OK, what do you wish that adults
• 28:15
  would understand about what teens are going through
• 28:18
  emotionally, given that being a teen now and this is just a
• 28:23
  personal pet peeve? Parents, please stop saying,
• 28:26
  well, when I was a kid, I am as a mom, as a human being, I am
• 28:31
  saying please, please, please stop saying that.
• 28:34
  A, it's completely invalidating and B, when you were a kid,
• 28:39
  unless you're like 22, how it was when I was a kid is nothing
• 28:47
  like now. Even if I was in my 30s, it
• 28:50
  still is nothing like how it is now.
• 28:52
  It is so much. It's so very, very different and
• 28:55
  in my opinion, gut wrenchingly difficult for you guys.
• 28:59
  So how would you describe it to parents so that they can
• 29:04
  hopefully start to understand it?
• 29:07
  I have one thing to say to parents that say this to their
• 29:10
  kids. We do not mean to talk back.
• 29:14
  I know some people will like I'll be on the phone with my
• 29:17
  friend and her parents are just like don't talk back to me.
• 29:21
  I'm over here. Like she didn't even say
• 29:23
  anything bad. She literally was just saying OK
• 29:27
  and they're saying that she's talking back.
• 29:29
  A lot of the time we don't even mean to do it.
• 29:31
  Same thing with like rolling our eyes in a conversation.
• 29:34
  Half the time we don't even know that we're actually doing that
• 29:38
  'cause we're just trying to express ourselves and say OK and
• 29:44
  answer the question, but then we get in trouble for it.
• 29:49
  I'm not saying everyone sometimes.
• 29:52
  I will say in my opinion that's pretty standard hormonal
• 29:57
  teenager behavior and there may or may not.
• 30:01
  Hopefully it's disappeared at this point Be video footage on
• 30:06
  an old school VHS tape of me at 13 years old and oh gosh.
• 30:16
  My sister was had a boyfriend who was an exchange student.
• 30:20
  He'd gone back to his home country and she would walk
• 30:23
  around with the giant VHS camcorder and was like recording
• 30:28
  it's a whole thing. I this is like trying to explain
• 30:31
  a Rotary phone. Don't worry about it.
• 30:33
  What? Wow.
• 30:35
  OK, that's going to be another interview for another day.
• 30:39
  It's going to go into all these things you don't have.
• 30:41
  It's a Rotary phone. We'll get into that another
• 30:45
  time. I'll Google it.
• 30:46
  She had a big video camera and it had the big rectangular
• 30:51
  videotapes, you know the ones. I thought those were not real.
• 30:56
  Oh honey, I. Thought they were only in
• 30:58
  movies. OK and she she recorded me, she
• 31:03
  was asking me something and when I watched it I thought Oh my
• 31:08
  God, I was such a snot face. And she just was like hey say
• 31:14
  hello. And the attitude came out the
• 31:16
  eye roll, everything. So that is one thing that has
• 31:20
  stayed the same. I will say, as much as we like
• 31:23
  to think that we were not attitudy teenagers with the
• 31:27
  hormones that are raging, yes. So keep going.
• 31:29
  What else should I don't? Think I'm that bad?
• 31:32
  You're not that bad. What else would you like parents
• 31:36
  to know about being a teenager now?
• 31:41
  That's a really hard question because I think about that
• 31:45
  question all the time and what I wish parents knew differently.
• 31:51
  But when I put on the spot, it's very hard to come up with one
• 31:54
  thing. OK, if things come up you can
• 32:00
  jump in and add it. A lot of time things are not
• 32:05
  just phases in, even if they are when we're really excited to
• 32:12
  show our parents something or explain something to them.
• 32:16
  Like even if they know what it is, I love explaining because
• 32:20
  that just means I'm being focused because I have a really
• 32:23
  hard time focusing on one thing. So a lot of the time I've like,
• 32:29
  luckily I haven't had had to have this happen to me.
• 32:33
  But I've heard of that parents will like tell their kids not
• 32:39
  right now when they're trying to show them something that they're
• 32:42
  really excited about and then they just don't want to show
• 32:45
  them it anymore. It's like it kills the drive to
• 32:49
  show. Yeah, like we when we get
• 32:52
  excited about something, we really want to show our parents.
• 32:57
  Yeah. 'Cause our parents are the are
• 32:59
  like our biggest supporters. Hopefully.
• 33:02
  Yeah. And when they don't focus on
• 33:05
  something that we're really excited about, it does hurt.
• 33:09
  Does it help if let's say the and I know you and I have had
• 33:14
  this where like I'll be in the middle of something.
• 33:17
  Does it help? Does it help to keep from
• 33:22
  killing off that drive to show me something if I communicate
• 33:26
  with you and I'm like, I need 5 minutes and then I want to sit
• 33:29
  down and see this. Yeah, you're really good at
• 33:32
  that. Like if you just need 5 minutes
• 33:34
  to do something, you will explain that you want to see it,
• 33:40
  but you just need a few minutes to do something.
• 33:44
  I worked really hard to do that. Yeah, I noticed.
• 33:47
  I I remember back when I would be so busy and stressed all the
• 33:50
  time and seeing your little face fall and just look sad.
• 33:56
  Yeah, I can't. One thing I've learned is I
• 33:58
  cannot control my face. If I am upset, it shows.
• 34:04
  You are my child and I, you will not know this reference, but I
• 34:09
  did reference it in a previous episode where I said I was
• 34:12
  talking about, I don't know if you remember this during COVID,
• 34:16
  after the masking thing stopped and we went to Target and we ran
• 34:21
  across a woman that I, I just couldn't like it.
• 34:24
  She was just hard to be around because she was very, very fake.
• 34:26
  I don't know if you remember this.
• 34:28
  And we didn't have masks on anymore.
• 34:30
  And you looked at me and you were like, mother your face
• 34:34
  because I had. Have you heard of the show The
• 34:37
  Golden Girls? Yes, of course I have.
• 34:39
  Grandma plays it all the. Time.
• 34:40
  OK? Do you know Dorothy and Golden
• 34:43
  Girls? I don't know their names, but I
• 34:45
  know what they look like. She's the one with the short
• 34:47
  Gray hair who always have RBF. Oh, so like Alma?
• 34:52
  Yes, who? Who?
• 34:55
  Alma is my mother and let me just say she is the first one to
• 34:59
  say she is the originator of RBF.
• 35:01
  Sorry, I like speaking my mind so I don't.
• 35:05
  And I will also say, and she also points us out to everybody,
• 35:10
  you know how they take baby pictures in the hospital.
• 35:13
  Her baby picture in the hospital has RBF.
• 35:17
  It's fascinating. If you don't know what RBF is,
• 35:20
  it's resting bitch face. And so, yeah, so it's the
• 35:24
  Dorothy is the one that always has that like kind of look on
• 35:28
  her face that's scrunched up like what is happening here?
• 35:31
  Because we don't, we can't hide how we're truly feeling.
• 35:35
  So it's a good thing and it can get us into trouble.
• 35:38
  And that is making me think I want a Segway, if you're OK with
• 35:42
  it, into masking. Oh God.
• 35:47
  I know. I do just want to say sometimes
• 35:50
  my AMA will still send me pictures of her at a young age
• 35:56
  and be like, see I still have that face even at a young age.
• 36:01
  It's not just me now, she. Owns it.
• 36:03
  That is who she is. So you, you were the queen of
• 36:09
  masking. Oh yes, I was.
• 36:12
  Do you want to tell the story on?
• 36:14
  The dark, twisty 1. No, the one in the hospital
• 36:17
  where the where I taught a doctor a lesson about how to not
• 36:22
  judge somebody by their face. Let me backtrack a little
• 36:27
  further and preface this with, if you don't know what masking
• 36:31
  is, it is when you adopt A smile or a I'm great, I'm fine, things
• 36:38
  are good and you cover up, you shove down the feelings and you
• 36:42
  cover it up. And or that's one way of doing
• 36:45
  it. Or, and I believe I've had
• 36:48
  videos about this, I think it was authenticity versus versus
• 36:51
  masking. So I will link that on this
• 36:54
  episode. If you have different personas
• 36:59
  that you adopt around people, there's reasons for that, but
• 37:02
  that is also masking because it's not just being who you are.
• 37:08
  No judgement on it because there is a time and a place to do
• 37:11
  that. And so to backtrack and then I
• 37:15
  will have Quinn. You share the hospital story
• 37:18
  since that was I was in it partially.
• 37:20
  That was mostly. Yeah, I was in the room with
• 37:22
  them. When this wonderful Unicorn of a
• 37:24
  child was 8 years old, she came up to me.
• 37:30
  She gave me a hug and I looked at her and she had this big fake
• 37:35
  smile on. And I looked at her and I said
• 37:37
  you don't have to do that. And she said what?
• 37:40
  And I said fake smile. If you don't want to smile, you
• 37:43
  don't have to smile, it's OK. And the fake smile dropped and
• 37:48
  she looked it, it was like a gut punch because this little 8 year
• 37:52
  old looked like the oldest, saddest human being on the
• 37:56
  planet. And she looked at me and said if
• 37:59
  I don't fake smile, I may never really smile.
• 38:03
  And I just was let. I just looked at her and was
• 38:06
  like, that is dark and twisty. We need to find you a therapist.
• 38:11
  And that kicked off and that was when that was the first time
• 38:15
  that you acknowledged it and I think felt safe enough to drop
• 38:20
  the mask. But I do like to say that you
• 38:22
  were like an Oscar award-winning actress when you want to be to
• 38:26
  hide things. So now you tell you tell the
• 38:30
  hospital story. And I don't even remember when
• 38:35
  it was. It was 2024, it was October or
• 38:37
  something. It was November.
• 38:39
  Was it the IT was November. It was November because it was
• 38:42
  after we went to a concert. We did a road trip to Raleigh to
• 38:47
  see Pink in concert 'cause we had.
• 38:49
  An 10 out 10 I recommend. I loved it.
• 38:51
  Oh my God. I got front row tickets on
• 38:54
  accident. Well, I got we got floor seats
• 38:57
  and then we get there and this little hunk ditches me and is
• 39:02
  like, I'm going to go chat with people and she and I look and
• 39:06
  she just she has my children. I literally when they were
• 39:09
  little was kind of like, Oh my God, stranger danger.
• 39:12
  Seriously. Because they just.
• 39:14
  Yeah, that doesn't work with me. No, neither of them have ever
• 39:16
  had any issues going up and speaking to anybody to the point
• 39:21
  that I think my son thinks he's 60 and heading into retirement.
• 39:25
  He's also a teenager. And Quinn just is like, yeah,
• 39:28
  what He's. Almost at the end of teenage
• 39:30
  years. Yes.
• 39:33
  And so she went up and she schmoozed the security guards,
• 39:37
  told them that we were on a mother daughter road trip, and
• 39:40
  then texted me, 'cause I'm the obedient girl standing or woman
• 39:44
  standing in my seat 13 rows back that I am to come up to the
• 39:48
  front gate. And we literally were standing.
• 39:51
  It wasn't even where there were seats standing at the front gate
• 39:54
  5 feet from Pink for the entire flipping concert like this kid
• 39:59
  is. It was awesome after that.
• 40:02
  Now head into the story. So yada yada yada, stuff that
• 40:08
  happened. I was in the hospital and they
• 40:11
  were and I had my fake smile on everything.
• 40:14
  And they were in the emergency room, correct?
• 40:17
  It was when I had finally gotten a room after like 5 hours.
• 40:20
  This was the so this was the pediatric emergency room.
• 40:23
  Yeah, this was the first time. It was very embarrassing.
• 40:27
  My school police officer had to ring me there.
• 40:31
  It's OK. We don't need that, Yeah.
• 40:34
  And so they were like, if you they were going on the whole
• 40:39
  spiel, if you go home, are you OK?
• 40:43
  And I was like, yeah, I'll be fine.
• 40:46
  And then this old guy, I don't even remember his name.
• 40:49
  I think he had like an English accent or something.
• 40:51
  Or it was some accent. He was the attending for as a he
• 40:55
  was the psychiatrist who was overseeing everybody.
• 40:58
  So when they were about to discharge me, he came into the
• 41:01
  room and was and was like talking like, are you OK to do
• 41:04
  this and everything? Are you sure you're OK?
• 41:06
  And I, he saw through my mask like one of the other people
• 41:12
  that has seen through the mask. And I like, dropped it after
• 41:15
  he'd seen it 'cause I was like, oh crap, I'm done for.
• 41:21
  And like, my cover's blown and I just like dropped the mask and
• 41:26
  he looked at me and was like, this is new.
• 41:31
  So I was like, I started being completely honest and
• 41:34
  everything. And he was like, they're about
• 41:36
  to discharge you in like in like 30 minutes.
• 41:40
  We need to get them to stop this.
• 41:42
  So he was, he told my parents what had happened and was
• 41:48
  rushing to the other like staff members and was like, she cannot
• 41:53
  go home. That's a horrible idea.
• 41:57
  And they were and they were like we are going to keep you here.
• 42:02
  So I was very grateful for and then the next day I got
• 42:06
  discharged to a place for two weeks.
• 42:12
  May I add on to this? Yes, it's interesting to hear
• 42:15
  your the version that you remember because you were the
• 42:18
  one in the tough head space. Yeah.
• 42:21
  I don't remember that much from the interactions.
• 42:24
  You worked it out. You were absolutely in full on
• 42:29
  smiling, laughing, masky mode. And I'm sitting there going, I
• 42:34
  know she's not OK, but she's acting very bubbly.
• 42:39
  And that's honestly when you would get into that like super
• 42:43
  bubbly place. I was like red alert.
• 42:45
  Something's not OK 'cause you're, you're, you're usually
• 42:49
  very peppy, snarky, personable, but like, that was over the top.
• 42:55
  And then I remember them saying that they were going to
• 42:59
  discharge you and me kind of sitting there panicking and
• 43:05
  going, I'm never going to sleep again.
• 43:06
  She will just sleep in my bed. And I will not close my eyes.
• 43:10
  And I'm going to have to do what I need to do to make sure that
• 43:12
  she is safe and OK. We can figure this out.
• 43:15
  Like we can, we can do this and kind of panicking.
• 43:19
  And then we went back into the room and that doctor, I can't
• 43:22
  remember what his name is, doesn't matter.
• 43:24
  Yeah. He was so perceptive.
• 43:27
  You could see it on his face. And you gripped his hand.
• 43:31
  The mask had dropped just a fraction.
• 43:35
  And you gripped his hand. And you said, I am not OK.
• 43:39
  And I remember thinking, Oh my God, that's the first time that
• 43:42
  she said that. And he said to you, you're not
• 43:46
  OK, but you will be OK. I was like, no, I will not.
• 43:50
  You held his hand so tight. And I will never forget the look
• 43:54
  on your face of like, desperation.
• 43:58
  And you said I am not OK. And that's when he had us leave
• 44:05
  the room and he talked to you quietly.
• 44:08
  I don't know what you said. He's never told me or you never
• 44:11
  either because it's your business.
• 44:12
  And then he came out and he looked at me and he said she is
• 44:16
  not OK. And I said I know.
• 44:19
  Thank you for seeing it. And I'm crying and he goes, mom,
• 44:22
  she's going to be OK. And I said no, I'm crying
• 44:24
  because I feel relief that she actually showed the truth.
• 44:30
  And this is what he said. And I'm sharing this because for
• 44:34
  other parents to realize this, kids can look like they're doing
• 44:39
  just fine, but they're not because they learn that to keep
• 44:44
  other people comfortable, they have to shove their stuff down.
• 44:48
  And what this doctor said was he said she is so emotionally
• 44:54
  exhausted and overwhelmed. That is when people go too far.
• 45:00
  And that's why I'm concerned. And she needs a break from the
• 45:03
  world to just rest, which is bad.
• 45:07
  Was so confused. My dad was so confused the
• 45:09
  entire time, 'cause he was like, I thought she was fine.
• 45:12
  Yeah, what's going on? And you were?
• 45:14
  Putting on a really good act and if Yeah, but that's where it's
• 45:19
  as parents, we need to pause. And I don't want to say it's not
• 45:25
  like look for things that aren't there, but just notice and ask
• 45:30
  the questions. So, OK, I don't remember how we
• 45:36
  got segued into that one. I don't remember either.
• 45:40
  We're going to we're going to switch gears.
• 45:43
  When did you start realizing that you didn't want to be like
• 45:46
  everyone else? Whoa.
• 45:52
  Or do you? OK, that's a good point.
• 45:55
  Do I should preface this with because you are such a unique
• 45:59
  person, you always have been. I mean everybody is.
• 46:01
  But you, you just have your own style and your own way of doing
• 46:07
  things and you own it. You have since you were little
• 46:10
  when you would what is the thing this You'd use your scooter and
• 46:14
  you had your fairy dress on and Oh my.
• 46:17
  Goodness, the. Picture and the helmet with the
• 46:19
  Unicorn horn and you rocked that like a champ.
• 46:23
  It was amazing. At this point in life, do you
• 46:28
  feel like you want to be like other people, or do you feel
• 46:32
  like you're learning to own your authenticity and being who you
• 46:35
  are? I'm learning to own my
• 46:39
  authenticity. Authenticity.
• 46:42
  Authenticity. You can just say who I am.
• 46:46
  Who I am, yes, but for a very long time I wanted to be like
• 46:50
  everybody else because I'm very tall for my age and normally for
• 46:55
  my age the girls are pretty short.
• 46:59
  So I was always sticking out the most and it was very awkward
• 47:04
  because I would get called names that I cannot even explain how
• 47:09
  hard they hit and I'm learning to own it.
• 47:17
  OK, what can you describe? If you were to describe your
• 47:22
  style, how would you describe your style?
• 47:27
  What kind of style are we talking about?
• 47:28
  Like clothing style. You have so many styles.
• 47:33
  Whatever you want to describe, this is for you.
• 47:35
  First thing that popped up in my mind was Taylor Swift because of
• 47:37
  her song style. Are you Taylor Swift?
• 47:41
  No. OK, so what's your style?
• 47:47
  You're not James Dean and you don't wear red lipsticks.
• 47:49
  So that's from that's from the song.
• 47:54
  So I'm. Trying to think of what you mean
• 47:57
  by that, like what kind of style?
• 48:01
  What's your favorite style of clothing?
• 48:03
  Casual. I like being comfortable.
• 48:06
  Right now I'm in pajama pants. You are.
• 48:09
  You wear them a lot. Do you?
• 48:10
  I do. Do you feel like the way that
• 48:14
  you dress defines you? No, I dress very differently
• 48:21
  every day for different occasions.
• 48:23
  I would dress very classy, I would dress casual and I will
• 48:27
  dress very Beachy if I want to. You do have a very eclectic,
• 48:33
  like very different depending on the day.
• 48:38
  I never really know which one is going to appear, but it seems
• 48:42
  like it also kind of ebbs and flows with your mood.
• 48:45
  What about man? You went through a lot of shifts
• 48:51
  in your hairstyles. Yes, I went through a lot of
• 48:58
  different kind of hairstyles. I.
• 49:00
  And colors. Yeah, I have dyed my hair
• 49:04
  purple, blue, red, black, pink, purple again, red again.
• 49:12
  I loved red hair on me. I've had a lot of different hair
• 49:18
  colors. I have pretty naturally curly
• 49:22
  hair, I would say. I don't know if it's waves or
• 49:25
  curls honestly. It's turning into curls.
• 49:28
  Yeah, but I like to straighten my hair different times.
• 49:33
  Sometimes I will do a hair care routine and make it extremely
• 49:37
  curly. So I've had a lot of different
• 49:41
  hair stuff to go with. Why do you think you've changed
• 49:44
  it up so much? I like feeling like a different
• 49:48
  person sometimes. Like sometimes I want to have
• 49:52
  like an alter ego kind of. And like when I have straight
• 49:58
  hair, I feel very confident. When I have like my natural
• 50:03
  hair, I feel more reminded of all of the stuff that's happened
• 50:10
  because when I've had straight hair, I didn't have straight
• 50:13
  hair in like the mental hospital and stuff.
• 50:16
  So whenever I like straight hair, I feel like I'm going to
• 50:19
  have a good day. So it's like my alter confident
• 50:23
  ego if that makes sense. Well, so it sounds like your
• 50:26
  style overall is also tied to how you're feeling for the day.
• 50:32
  Like if I don't want, like if I'm feeling depressed, I'm not
• 50:34
  going to get changed. I'll stay in my pajamas all day.
• 50:39
  I'll walk into a store in my pajamas.
• 50:42
  I have. So OK, anything else?
• 50:50
  Any more questions? I've got more questions.
• 50:53
  Shoot. OK, what advice would you give
• 51:01
  someone your age who feels lost? We're hitting the heavy ones
• 51:10
  now. Yeah, to seek help.
• 51:16
  Like if they genuinely need help.
• 51:18
  And there's like, I've met people that needed help, but
• 51:22
  we're way too scared to ask for help because they didn't know
• 51:24
  what people would think of them. My biggest thing that I would
• 51:30
  tell them is like, it's better to get help for yourself than
• 51:35
  get lost in yourself. Like if I didn't get help, I
• 51:40
  don't even know what could have happened.
• 51:43
  Like I could have like been a whole different person now if I
• 51:48
  didn't get help. What about what if people don't
• 51:57
  know where to even begin? I It's tough for kids would.
• 52:04
  Would give them the number for the rest of the center I went
• 52:08
  to. Definitely a really good place.
• 52:11
  Well, that only works if you're local but.
• 52:14
  Yeah. So OK, here's an.
• 52:16
  I would do my research and help them.
• 52:19
  So here's another twist on this, since it's mostly going or since
• 52:23
  it's going to be parents listening.
• 52:26
  Yeah. What would you say for them to
• 52:30
  just notice or ways to show up and check in with their kids
• 52:36
  that are not like intrusive and not annoying them or anything
• 52:40
  but ways to just show up and be like, I'm here if you need to
• 52:44
  talk. Yeah, these are definitely
• 52:50
  harder questions. I know.
• 52:54
  That smile on your face. She had a big old grin.
• 53:01
  I would definitely tell them that when a kid or their kid is
• 53:07
  in such a hard place, if they are, it's a very hard to help
• 53:12
  them get out. And it took me months to
• 53:18
  understand that because I had all the people in the world
• 53:23
  possible that were helping me, but I still felt alone.
• 53:28
  And it's like, I don't even like, sometimes I still feel
• 53:32
  alone. And there's just not really a
• 53:36
  way to help that. So it's one of those things
• 53:41
  where there's not a clear answer, but always be checking
• 53:46
  in on your kids, not just like invasive like, like ask them how
• 53:51
  their days been. Well, I hope parents are doing
• 53:55
  that anyway. You would hope, right?
• 53:57
  Yeah, just, like, ask them how their days been, how they've
• 54:01
  been feeling recently, if they're a open person and to be
• 54:05
  honest, to share and like, take them to the movies, bring them
• 54:11
  to the park. Do some mystery trips.
• 54:14
  Yes, I love mystery trips. Do they know what those are?
• 54:18
  I don't think they do. Would you like to explain what
• 54:20
  mystery trips? Are.
• 54:20
  No. I want you to explain them.
• 54:22
  You're better explaining. So I started doing mystery trips
• 54:26
  when my kids were little and I would pick a place to go.
• 54:31
  And it was, I mean, when they were younger, it wasn't
• 54:33
  something fancy. None of them would have ever
• 54:34
  been something fancy. I think the.
• 54:37
  Fanciest 1 was like a water park.
• 54:41
  None of those were mystery trips.
• 54:42
  It was like beach trips or when they were little, like going to
• 54:45
  the park. But I would just say to them,
• 54:47
  we're going on a mystery trip. And depending on how, sometimes
• 54:50
  we try some place that was farther away.
• 54:52
  So I had little bags that had like when they were younger with
• 54:55
  car games in there and snacks and water bottles and all that
• 54:59
  stuff. And it was more than anything,
• 55:01
  just the excitement of like, we don't know where we're going.
• 55:05
  And the cutest part, hopefully she doesn't kill me for saying
• 55:08
  this, is that we'd get in the car and I would say, OK, I'm
• 55:12
  going to start heading there. You guys look around and notice
• 55:15
  where we are and try to figure out like tell me what else is in
• 55:19
  this direction just to get them acclimated to like what was
• 55:22
  around. And my son would he, he would do
• 55:28
  this gesture like he was pulling on a hat and he would go, my
• 55:32
  thinking cap is on. And he?
• 55:36
  Would always figure it out and then spoil.
• 55:40
  It out somehow the kids a sleuth, but so we would just do
• 55:45
  little things and the we did one a couple years ago 'cause I was
• 55:48
  like, we haven't done one forever and I picked a beach.
• 55:50
  We were just gonna go to a beach for the day and we'd never been
• 55:55
  there before and all I said that he could tell we were going to
• 55:57
  the beach because I had beach stuff in the car and he said how
• 56:01
  far are we going? And I said an hour and he
• 56:03
  immediately, not immediately within like 5 minutes, told me
• 56:06
  what beach you're going to. It was insane, but that's a fun
• 56:10
  thing. What?
• 56:12
  I was kind of mad at him for doing that.
• 56:14
  It's OK. Because.
• 56:15
  I was a little kid. I didn't understand half the
• 56:17
  stuff that we were doing, honestly.
• 56:18
  Only two years ago. It was.
• 56:21
  That was only two years ago. It's been a time warrant for a
• 56:24
  bit, but I recommend that with your kids because it doesn't it
• 56:29
  like you. It doesn't have to be something
• 56:30
  fancy, they just love having parents plan something and have
• 56:36
  it be a surprise. How did we get on this subject?
• 56:41
  I have no idea, mom. That's a good .0 advice for
• 56:45
  parents. Checking right.
• 56:47
  Checking in. Go on mystery trips.
• 56:52
  It's really fun if you have a very like younger kids.
• 56:57
  I think that when you're younger you enjoy the most 'cause you
• 57:01
  don't understand half the stuff that's happening.
• 57:03
  So it would just be. Exciting, Yeah.
• 57:07
  Can I add a parent thing that I learned to go along with what
• 57:14
  you said is about you can have all the people in the world and
• 57:20
  you still feel alone. And I will say the lessons that
• 57:24
  I learned, many, many, many lessons in the last year, it's
• 57:27
  been like the hardest year I'm going to venture to save both of
• 57:31
  our lives. Yes.
• 57:33
  Yes, definitely. But hey, we had each other.
• 57:37
  Yes, we did. I think the heart one of the one
• 57:42
  of the huge lessons was, and this goes not just for your kid,
• 57:46
  but for anybody. You can't fix it for them.
• 57:50
  Yeah. You cannot swoop in, you cannot
• 57:53
  save the day. You cannot right all of the
• 57:56
  wrongs. What you can do is sit with them
• 58:02
  and just say and validate it. This is hard and I'm here and I
• 58:09
  had to learn that with you because beforehand I didn't
• 58:12
  realize until that first hospital stay I hadn't slept in
• 58:16
  years. I've been running, trying to
• 58:19
  like, not literally running, but running with on all cylinders
• 58:24
  firing, trying to do all the things instead of just sitting
• 58:30
  with you and being present and asking the questions.
• 58:36
  And with that, it was a huge awakening and I realized the
• 58:43
  more important thing, and this is what most parents are not
• 58:48
  recognizing. You guys don't need all the
• 58:50
  stuff, you need presents. And I don't mean with ATI, mean
• 58:56
  with AC. You need your parents to be
• 58:59
  present with you. Oh, and and listen, when you're
• 59:03
  excited about something, listen. Don't eat the microphone.
• 59:08
  I wasn't gonna. She does this a lot.
• 59:11
  She will often just try to like bite me.
• 59:15
  And the other thing is apparent, I realized I'd wasn't aware of
• 59:19
  how much codependency there was, which, do you know what that
• 59:22
  means, Quinn? No.
• 59:25
  Where you're feeling well and kind of enmeshment, your
• 59:28
  feelings become my feelings, mine become yours.
• 59:30
  Not even well, I don't even think we had that so much.
• 59:33
  But it was you turning to me to be like a, like a life vest when
• 59:39
  you're drowning and me becoming the life vest for you instead of
• 59:45
  showing you that I'll sit with you and that you can handle it
• 59:48
  and that we got this. And then also boundaries,
• 59:51
  Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries, set boundaries.
• 59:55
  Yes. And frankly, parents, if you
• 59:58
  screw up, which we all do sometimes over and over and over
• 1:00:02
  again, it's yes, it's OK. We're human.
• 1:00:05
  And here's a fun fact. Be accountable for it.
• 1:00:10
  Own it. Quinn, that's a question for
• 1:00:12
  you. How do you feel?
• 1:00:13
  When an adult in your life, whomever it may be, says or does
• 1:00:18
  something kind of boneheaded or hurtful or just not thinking and
• 1:00:27
  acknowledges it and says they're sorry.
• 1:00:30
  I feel a lot better when they acknowledge it because they
• 1:00:33
  understand that they know that they were being rude, but if
• 1:00:38
  they don't apologize then I'm out until they do.
• 1:00:44
  Only because depending on what they say it can be extremely
• 1:00:49
  hurtful. And those are the things that we
• 1:00:51
  remember. Half the time we don't remember
• 1:00:53
  the good stuff that happened, we remember the stuff that our
• 1:00:57
  parents had messed up or made a mistake and forgot to say sorry.
• 1:01:03
  Or even if they did, we still sometimes will hold it over our
• 1:01:06
  heads. And I hate that we do that.
• 1:01:09
  I'm not speaking on all kids. I'm speaking on like me.
• 1:01:11
  Like I will do that. Like we'll have good experiences
• 1:01:16
  but for some reason the bad always out rules the good.
• 1:01:20
  It sticks in your memory a lot more.
• 1:01:23
  Yeah, 'cause you remember the feeling of being hurt.
• 1:01:26
  Like the time that I told you I'm not a hamster person.
• 1:01:32
  I had a hamster and I was like 5 years old and my mom had stuff
• 1:01:39
  to do. She dropped me off at she
• 1:01:42
  dropped me off at my dad's house and she was in a rush because
• 1:01:44
  she had stuff to do. And I just got in a hamster and
• 1:01:47
  I wanted to show her my hamster. And she said, Quinn, I'm not a
• 1:01:51
  hamster person. And I started crying.
• 1:01:55
  And ran to your room. And I was so mad because she
• 1:01:59
  just what? Because she wasn't a hamster
• 1:02:01
  person. But you didn't say anything in
• 1:02:05
  that moment besides looking horrified.
• 1:02:06
  And then I was like, I'm such an asshole.
• 1:02:09
  I think I was even sadder when you said that and then like a
• 1:02:13
  few years later you got me a hamster at your house.
• 1:02:16
  Because honestly, it's not that I'm not a hamster person, I just
• 1:02:19
  didn't have the time or energy that day.
• 1:02:21
  But in fact, I say that to her. She holds on to it, stores it in
• 1:02:25
  her hostile kid bank in her mind.
• 1:02:29
  I don't even remember that story until you brought up the other
• 1:02:31
  day. Yep, we were reading books later
• 1:02:34
  or like, I don't know, a couple of weeks later and you and she
• 1:02:38
  and her brother, like the three of us would snuggle and read at
• 1:02:41
  night. And they started bickering back
• 1:02:44
  and forth. And I said, guys, we need to
• 1:02:46
  talk about how your words are important and that they can be
• 1:02:49
  very hurtful and you have to be thoughtful about what you say
• 1:02:52
  just because you might unintentionally hurt someone's
• 1:02:55
  feelings. And little Quinn, I think you
• 1:02:58
  were like 4 actually at the time, Turns and looks at me with
• 1:03:02
  this look of pure sass and goes like the time you told me you're
• 1:03:06
  not a hamster person. And I was like, oh, I knew that
• 1:03:09
  would come back to haunt me. And honestly?
• 1:03:12
  All I see since day one. All I could think was, well,
• 1:03:15
  that'll give you something to talk about in therapy.
• 1:03:17
  Not expecting. You'd actually gone to therapy,
• 1:03:21
  actually. But.
• 1:03:24
  Maybe that's the start of it all.
• 1:03:26
  I'm I'm glad to hear that. Do do you think hearing the
• 1:03:30
  adults in your life take accountability and apologize?
• 1:03:34
  Does that does that help you take accountability when you
• 1:03:38
  mess up? Yes.
• 1:03:40
  You say you're sorry. OK.
• 1:03:43
  Unless this person has many times repeatedly done something
• 1:03:49
  wrong and not apologize, then I'm kind of like get a taste of
• 1:03:53
  your own medicine. I'm trying to drink with my
• 1:03:57
  straw and it's making very loud noises.
• 1:04:01
  There we go. I will say that I've noticed the
• 1:04:06
  maturity levels massively increasing the last few months
• 1:04:09
  since it's day and owning things like owning your own stuff and
• 1:04:19
  being really helpful without asking and really thoughtful and
• 1:04:23
  communicating. That's the big one,
• 1:04:24
  communicating. And I have referenced this in a
• 1:04:27
  previous episode where I have said how your phrase is your
• 1:04:31
  social media is maxed out. Oh, I use that all the time.
• 1:04:35
  It's brilliant. If I'm not in the mood to talk,
• 1:04:38
  I will be like my social media is all the way to 0%.
• 1:04:42
  So before I start getting angry, I'm going to walk away.
• 1:04:47
  And you, you're really good about it though, but before you
• 1:04:50
  would have just maxed out and then exploded.
• 1:04:54
  And now you're, you're catching it and you're like, whoop, I
• 1:04:58
  need to remove myself. It's brilliant.
• 1:05:00
  I advise everyone to try it. All right, what do you hope your
• 1:05:08
  future self remembers about this time this past year?
• 1:05:14
  It has been so challenging for you, and you have absolutely
• 1:05:21
  waded through the crap like a champ and a warrior and pushed
• 1:05:26
  through, and you've heard me say this a million times.
• 1:05:28
  You have pushed through things that most adults are too afraid
• 1:05:30
  to face. Yeah, I've said this answer so
• 1:05:34
  many times, but I'm going to use it again.
• 1:05:36
  Go for it. Always ask for help, because
• 1:05:40
  help helps. That's what the word is for.
• 1:05:47
  It yes, I think it's a good four letter word, as much as some
• 1:05:50
  people like to say it's a bad 4 letter word.
• 1:05:52
  So is that what you hope your future self remembers?
• 1:05:56
  Is that it doesn't like just to always reach out for help if you
• 1:06:00
  need it? Yeah, I hope my future self
• 1:06:03
  remembers a lot about the past and the good decisions I've
• 1:06:08
  made, and hopefully the bad ones so I can learn from those.
• 1:06:14
  Because how long you're supposed to learn from your mistakes?
• 1:06:19
  Everybody makes them. It's part of being human.
• 1:06:22
  Everybody makes mistakes, everybody has those days.
• 1:06:26
  What is that from? It's some song, I don't remember
• 1:06:29
  it. OK.
• 1:06:32
  Now it's going to be stuck in my head.
• 1:06:33
  Thanks for that. All right now I had, I have some
• 1:06:37
  rapid fire questions and this is how we're going to wrap it up.
• 1:06:39
  OK, so I'm going to ask you there there or questions.
• 1:06:43
  So it'll be two options and you pick one and you answer it first
• 1:06:47
  and that comes to your mind. You ready?
• 1:06:49
  Got it. Coffee or tea?
• 1:06:51
  Coffee, night owl or early mornings?
• 1:06:53
  Night Owl. Music or silence?
• 1:06:56
  Music. Hoodie or dressed up?
• 1:06:58
  Hoodie. City or quiet place?
• 1:07:00
  City. Big group or one person?
• 1:07:03
  One person. Plan ahead or go with the flow.
• 1:07:06
  Go with the flow. Comfort food or trying new
• 1:07:08
  foods? Comfort food.
• 1:07:10
  I hate new foods. Deep talks or laughing fits.
• 1:07:14
  Laughing fits. Rain or sunshine?
• 1:07:17
  Sunshine. Books or shows?
• 1:07:20
  Shows I hate books. We're working on that.
• 1:07:24
  Create or consume? Like create art or just consume
• 1:07:28
  it all? Consume it.
• 1:07:30
  OK, stay home or go out. Go out.
• 1:07:34
  Do you want to be the leader or the follower?
• 1:07:36
  Leader. Soft or bold?
• 1:07:39
  Soft. OK, and the final question
• 1:07:42
  before we wrap it up for the the day.
• 1:07:46
  If you were one Walking Dead character, who would you be?
• 1:07:50
  By the way, we're currently binging it.
• 1:07:53
  It's her first time binging it. We're.
• 1:07:54
  Season 8 in The Walking Dead, Glenn's death made me sob.
• 1:08:00
  I have a recording of me of my mom being like, Are you sure
• 1:08:05
  you're OK? And I'm over here like.
• 1:08:07
  I'm fine and I had to break up with it.
• 1:08:09
  I do this every time. It's like my 82nd time watching
• 1:08:12
  the series but this is the first time doing.
• 1:08:14
  The last year, probably. No, no, not at all.
• 1:08:18
  I know, but you watched so much. Who I would want to be?
• 1:08:28
  Oh, I got to pick someone that's not dead.
• 1:08:31
  No, you anyone in the show, dead or alive.
• 1:08:34
  I like Enid, but I don't like her background.
• 1:08:38
  I you are very Enid. I'm very Enid, I just don't like
• 1:08:42
  that she dies. OK, spoiler alert for people.
• 1:08:48
  Well, I spoiled it for myself. I googled it.
• 1:08:50
  It also it also finished years ago, so it's OK.
• 1:08:56
  Yeah. Quinn Every time that there is a
• 1:08:59
  character on, she immediately googles to see when they die,
• 1:09:02
  what happens to them. I think that goes to the need
• 1:09:06
  for security and knowing I. Need answers because a lot of
• 1:09:11
  the time if we like pause on a cliffhanger and then go to bed,
• 1:09:16
  I need to know what happens the next episode.
• 1:09:19
  This is why we're binging it. Or like if I need to know to not
• 1:09:24
  get too attached to a character so that way I know when they die
• 1:09:29
  I won't be so worried. Dude, this ties into abandonment
• 1:09:32
  wounds needing to the funny. Thing is, I've never been
• 1:09:35
  abandoned. No, but you said the other night
• 1:09:38
  your biggest fear is being alone.
• 1:09:40
  Yeah, it is. Yeah.
• 1:09:42
  That's story for another day, though.
• 1:09:43
  We'll work on that. OK.
• 1:09:47
  Any final words? Peace out, Boy Scout or Girl
• 1:09:51
  Scout? Or whatever.
• 1:09:55
  OK. Say themes.
• 1:09:57
  OK, to everyone, everyone out there, all right.
• 1:10:01
  ECS, Gays and Maze. Thank you to my magical child
• 1:10:06
  for joining me and you're amazing and I am.
• 1:10:12
  I am going to come back down and keep watching some more Walking
• 1:10:16
  Dead, so thank. God.
• 1:10:19
  I will be back Monday morning with the next morning
• 1:10:23
  installment and then Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday at 9:00 PM is
• 1:10:27
  the Light in the Dark series if you need some softness and some
• 1:10:30
  presents in the evenings. And then next Sunday will be
• 1:10:33
  another deep dive. We will see what it looks like.
• 1:10:35
  So thank you for joining us and of course, I was.
• 1:10:40
  It was really fun being here. I meant you, but I also meant
• 1:10:43
  everybody listening. Everybody, thank you to everyone
• 1:10:46
  for joining and we'll be back or I'll be back next weekend.
• 1:10:51
  All right, have a wonderful, have a wonderful day.