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5 Ways To Break a Trauma Bond With God's Help! · Toxic Relationship Podcast

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_04: Picture this: your phone lights up, and for one breathless second, you forget the lies, the humiliation, the silent treatment, and the promise you made to yourself never to answer again.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_04: Your heart races, your stomach drops, and one message, I miss you, feels powerful enough to erase six months of pain.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_04: If that sounds familiar, you are not weak or lacking faith, you might be in a trauma bond.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_04: Today we're breaking down five ways to break that bond, two minutes at a time.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_04: I'm Shannon Alder, host of the Toxic Podcast, life coach and author of the book The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Bible.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_04: I am here today with Pastor Jake O'Connell, and trust me, this is a conversation you don't want to miss.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: Shannon, thank you so much for having me.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: This topic is so close to my heart because I've walked alongside so many people in my congregation who are wrestling with exactly this, feeling trapped in a bond that their mind knows is harmful, but their body still craves.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm excited to dive into the spiritual side of healing today, because God truly meets us in those two-minute moments.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_04: Jake, I think that's the perfect place to start because so many people, especially Christians, feel ashamed that they still miss the person who hurt them.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_04: They think, if I really trusted God, I wouldn't feel this pull.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_04: But as a life coach and a survivor, I know that trauma bonding is not a faith failure.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_04: It's a nervous system response.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_04: Can you speak to that spiritual shame for a moment?
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_01: And you hit the nail on the head.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_01: That shame is a lie from the enemy.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_01: The psalmist David felt fear, anger, betrayal, and deep loneliness, and he wasn't shy about crying out to God.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_01: Faith doesn't mean pretending you're fine, it means bringing the truth of your condition into God's presence.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_01: Psalm chapter 34, verse 18 says, The Lord is close to the brokenhearted.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_01: He's not standing at a distance waiting for you to get your emotions together.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_01: He's right there in the middle of that two-minute wave of panic, holding you.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_01: So the first step in breaking a trauma bond is to name the feeling instead of obeying it, and then bring that honest feeling to God without shame.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_04: That is so freeing.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_04: I often tell my clients that the urge to contact an abuser is not an instruction, it's just a wave, and research backs that up.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_04: Brain imaging shows that when you label an emotion, activity in the amygdala, the fear center, goes down, while the prefrontal cortex, the regulation center, lights up.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_04: So literally, saying, I feel lonely, or I feel the urge to text them creates a little distance between what you feel and what you do.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_04: But Jake, how do you help someone turn that into prayer without it becoming a guilt trip?
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of saying, I need them, you say, my nervous system is seeking relief.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of, I can't live without them, you say, I'm experiencing a powerful fear of separation.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: Then you pray something like, Lord, I feel lonely, frightened, and tempted to return.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: Help me tolerate this feeling without surrendering my safety.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: See, you're not asking God to take the feeling away instantly.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: You're asking for the strength to survive the wave.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: That's biblical.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane didn't pretend he wasn't in agony.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: He said, My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: He named it, and then he surrendered it.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: That's our model.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_04: And that model leads right into the second strategy: take 12 slow breaths and pray.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_04: Now I know some people hear slow breathing and roll their eyes, thinking it's too simplistic.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_04: But there's real science here.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_04: Slow breathing influences the autonomic nervous system, reducing that frantic fight or flight response.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_04: And when you pair it with a breath prayer, like inhaling, God is with me, and exhaling, I do not have to respond.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_04: You're calming the body and anchoring the soul simultaneously.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_04: Jake, how does this connect to what Paul wrote about a sound mind?
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: 2 Timothy 1-7 says, For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: When you're in a trauma bond, your mind feels anything but sound.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: It's hijacked by urgency.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: That breath prayer is a way of stepping out of the panic and back into the truth that you don't have to respond immediately.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: You can breathe in, give me wisdom, and breathe out, lead me toward peace.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: It's not a magic formula, but it lowers the emotional intensity enough for you to choose your next step wisely.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: And remember, Jesus himself withdrew from crowds and refused manipulative demands.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: He modeled that urgency is not always God's direction.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_04: That's a crucial point.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_04: Urgency is not godliness.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_04: Now the third way is to read a two-minute truth list.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_04: This is something I've used with countless clients.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_04: A trauma bond makes your mind replay the reunion, but edit out the abuse.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_04: You remember the apology, but forget what required it.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_04: You remember being held after the argument, but forget being threatened during it.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_04: So you write down what actually happened, how you felt most days, the broken promises, the ignored boundaries, and why you left.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_04: Then, when the urge hits, you read that list for two minutes.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_04: Jake, why is this so spiritually powerful?
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: Because Jesus said, you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: That's John chapter 8, verse 32.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: Calling mistreatment love doesn't make you compassionate.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: It makes the mistreatment harder to recognize.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: Romans 12, verse 2 talks about being transformed by the renewing of your mind.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: That renewal is not repeating pleasant thoughts while denying reality.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: It's replacing manipulation, false guilt, and selective memory with God's truth.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: Your truth list might end with reminders like, forgiveness does not require renewed access, or missing someone does not mean I should return.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: Those are not bitter statements, they are boundary statements.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: And God honors boundaries.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: He doesn't ask you to participate in your own destruction.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_04: Amen to that.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_04: Now the fourth strategy is to delay contact for two minutes, then repeat.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_04: This is huge for practical recovery.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_04: When you're desperate to reach out, don't tell yourself, I can never speak to them again.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_04: That feels impossible in an activated moment.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_04: Just say, I will wait two minutes, put the phone face down, step away, don't check if they're online, don't reread old messages.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_04: And during that pause, take one physical action, walk into another room, drink water, text a safe friend, write the message in your notes without sending it.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_04: The goal isn't to prove you don't care, it's to put time between the urge and the behavior.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_04: Jake, what does Proverbs say about guarding your heart here?
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: Proverbs chapter 4, verse 23 says, Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: Now, guarding is not hardening.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: A hardened heart refuses to love.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: A guarded heart uses wisdom about who receives access.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: Jesus loved people without making himself endlessly available to everyone.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: He withdrew, he set limits, and he walked away from those determined to harm him.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: That distance is not revenge, it's wisdom.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: Every time you experience the urge and don't act on it, you're practicing a new response.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: Healing often looks like hundreds of small, faithful decisions that no one sees, not one heroic breakthrough.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_04: And that brings us to the fifth way: replace the connection instead of just removing it.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_04: This is so important because a trauma bond leaves an empty space.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_04: If you only tell yourself, don't call them, your mind stays focused on them.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_04: Instead, give your nervous system somewhere safer to go.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_04: For two minutes, send a voice message to a safe friend, sit beside someone you trust, pet an animal, step outside and name five things you can see.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_04: Play a song that reminds you of who you were before the relationship.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_04: Or, contact a counselor or support group.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_04: Jake, how do the scriptures speak to this idea of replacing harmful connection with healthy community?
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: Ecclesiastes 4 verses 9 to 10 says, two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: Galatians 6, verse 2 tells us to carry each other's burdens.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: God often provides support through safe people, wise counselors, and healthy communities.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: You were never meant to heal in secrecy.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: Breaking the bond doesn't mean becoming cold or incapable of love, it means learning that comfort does not have to come from the same place as the pain.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: The need for connection is not the problem.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: The problem is being conditioned to seek connection from someone who repeatedly harms you.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_02: Jake, I have to push back a little here.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_02: Some people might hear all this and think, but doesn't the Bible teach unconditional love and turning the other cheek?
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_02: Aren't boundaries a lack of grace?
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_02: I've heard that from well-meaning church folks.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_02: How do you respond to that tension between forgiveness, reconciliation, and self-protection?
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: Shannon, that's a critical question, and I'm glad you asked it because this is where so many Christians get stuck and stay in abusive situations.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: Forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: Forgiveness can be offered by one person.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: It's releasing the debt, letting go of bitterness, and it's commanded.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: But reconciliation requires truth, repentance, accountability, safety, and consistent change.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: Jesus forgave from the cross, but he didn't reconcile with those who rejected him.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: He didn't chase after the rich young ruler who walked away.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: God does not ask you to enable unrepentant behavior or remain continually accessible to someone who is harming you.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: Boundaries are not unloving.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: They are the framework that allows love to exist without exploitation.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, true love sometimes says, I care about your soul, but I will not allow you to continue wounding me.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: That's not a lack of grace, that's wisdom.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_04: That distinction is everything.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_04: And the statistics show how widespread this struggle is.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_04: While trauma bonding itself isn't a formal diagnosis, the CDC reports that almost half of women and men in the U.S.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_04: have experienced psychological aggression from an intimate partner.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_04: And the National Domestic Violence Hotline notes that survivors return to abusive partners an average of seven times before leaving permanently.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_04: That's not because they want to be abused.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_04: It's fear, financial dependence, isolation, hope, love, and safety concerns.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_04: And Christians face the added burden.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_04: A feeling like separation is sinful.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_04: Jake, what would you say to the person who believes enduring mistreatment is proof of spiritual maturity?
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: I would say that's a lie from the pit of hell.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: Enduring mistreatment is not spiritual maturity, is sometimes trauma bonding dressed up in religious language.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: Jesus was not a doormat.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: He overturned tables in the temple, he called out hypocrisy, and he didn't let people manipulate him.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: 2 Timothy 1-7 says God gives us a sound mind.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: That sound mind includes recognizing that abuse is not God's will for you.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: God can love the abuser completely, but that doesn't mean you have to remain within reach of their destructive behavior.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: Two minutes at a time you can teach your heart what your mind is slowly learning.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: Peace is not the brief pause between episodes of pain.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_00: Real love does not require you to lose yourself to keep it.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_04: That's beautifully said.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_04: And you provided a two-minute prayer in the article, Jake.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_04: Would you mind leading us in that prayer right now for everyone listening who might be in the middle of a wave?
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, Shannon.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: Let's pray together.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_00: Lord, you see the part of me that misses this person, and the part of me that is afraid to return.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_00: Help me tell the truth about what happened.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: Calm my body, clear my mind, and strengthen me for the next right decision.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: Give me wisdom without shame, compassion without self-abandonment, and forgiveness without surrendering necessary boundaries.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: Lead me toward safe people, honest counsel, and the peace you desire for me.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_00: Amen.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: And listen, if you're listening right now and that prayer resonated, please know two minutes still counts.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to break the whole bond today.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: Just interrupt the next urge.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_00: Breathe, pray, read your truth list, delay, and reach out to someone safe.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: God is with you in the small moments.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_04: Amen.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_04: That prayer is a lifeline.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_04: Jake, before we wrap up, is there anything else you want to remind our listeners about the spiritual side of this journey?
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, Shannon.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: I want to remind everyone that you are not alone and you are not forgotten.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: The enemy wants you isolated and ashamed, but God has placed safe people in your path.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_00: Counselors, pastors, advocates, friends, reach out.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: And please, if you found this helpful, give us a thumbs up and share this podcast with someone who might need it.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: Subscribe on YouTube so you never miss an episode.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: And for more information about Shannon's upcoming books and resources, visit ShannonAlder.com.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_00: We love you.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: We're praying for you, and we'll be back with more encouragement next time.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_03: Thank you, Jake, for your wisdom and your heart.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_03: And thank you to everyone listening.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_03: Remember, healing doesn't happen all at once.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_03: It happens two minutes at a time.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_03: If you're in immediate danger, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800 799 SAFE or text start to 88 788.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_03: You don't have to walk this road alone.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_03: I'm Shannon Alder, and until next time, protect your peace and keep choosing truth.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_03: God bless.