Latest / INSIGHT FOR LIVING: Biblical Wisdom For Everyday Living / Getting Past Yesterday’s Failures Msg 77 - Pastor Chuck Swindoll Insight for Living

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Getting Past Yesterday’s Failures Msg 77 - Pastor Chuck Swindoll Insight for Living · INSIGHT FOR LIVING: Biblical Wisdom For Everyday Living

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Speaker 1: We come today to the seventh and final message on
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Speaker 1: this mini-series on the family that we have been enjoying together.
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Speaker 1: I say enjoying, much of it has been convicting, as
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Speaker 1: it has been instructive for all of us. We always
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Speaker 1: welcome the message from God's Word that helps set the
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Speaker 1: record straight, silences those areas of tradition that have been
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Speaker 1: in error, as well as clarifies places where there has
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Speaker 1: been confusion. Today is no exception. We come to address
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Speaker 1: the subject getting past yesterday's A very real issue when
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Speaker 1: coming to terms with the truth. I want to read
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Speaker 1: for you from Isaiah 58, verses 6 through 12. A
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Speaker 1: passage obviously addressing the Jewish people of the prophet's day,
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Speaker 1: centuries before Christ came. Isaiah 58, 6 through 12, however,
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Speaker 1: provides application for the family, as we will see toward
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Speaker 1: the conclusion of my message today. Once you find the
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Speaker 1: 58th of Isaiah, please stand with me for the reading
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Speaker 1: of the scriptures. Beginning at verse 6, I'll be reading
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Speaker 1: from the New Living Translation. This is the kind of
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Speaker 1: fasting I want. Free those who are wrongly imprisoned. Lighten
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Speaker 1: the burden of those who work for you. Let the
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Speaker 1: oppressed go free and remove the chains that bind people.
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Speaker 1: Share your food with the hungry. Give shelter to the homeless.
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Speaker 1: Give clothes to those who need them. Do not hide
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Speaker 1: from relatives who need your help. Then your salvation will
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Speaker 1: come like the dawn and your wounds will quickly heal.
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Speaker 1: Your godliness will lead you forward and the glory of
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Speaker 1: the Lord will protect you from behind. Then you will
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Speaker 1: call The Lord will answer, yes, I am here. He
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Speaker 1: will quickly reply. Remove the heavy yoke of oppression. Stop
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Speaker 1: pointing your finger and spreading vicious rumors. Feed the hungry.
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Speaker 1: Help those in trouble. Then your light will shine out
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Speaker 1: from the darkness. And the darkness around you will be
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Speaker 1: as bright as noon. The Lord will guide you continually,
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Speaker 1: giving you water when you are dry and restoring your strength.
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Speaker 1: You will be like a well-watered garden, like an ever-flowing spring.
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Speaker 1: Some of you will rebuild yourself. the deserted ruins of
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Speaker 1: your cities. Then you will be known as a rebuilder
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Speaker 1: of walls and a restorer of homes. May we bow
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Speaker 1: together for prayer. As always, our Father, when we come
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Speaker 1: before you, we acknowledge You are the potter. We are
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Speaker 1: the clay. You are the master. We are the servant.
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Speaker 1: You are the vine. We are the branches. You are
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Speaker 1: the Lord. We are merely learners along the way. Disciples
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Speaker 1: who wish to follow your teaching. Remind us this day,
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Speaker 1: our Father, that though silent, you are never absent. Though unseen,
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Speaker 1: you are always here. And you care. You care especially
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Speaker 1: about those in need, and that would be every one
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Speaker 1: of us. May we today realize afresh and anew that
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Speaker 1: you want us to be free of guilt and shame.
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Speaker 1: You want us to walk in joy, confidence and assurance
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Speaker 1: in your strength, operating our lives for your glory, releasing
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Speaker 1: our will to yours and remembering that you are our
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Speaker 1: guide and we are here to follow. Some strong words
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Speaker 1: will be declared today, may we be willing to hear them,
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Speaker 1: accept them and adjust our lives to them. Thank you
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Speaker 1: for working while we wait and wait and wait. How
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Speaker 1: long we have waited for there to be a change.
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Speaker 1: And just this week, you led in the provision of
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Speaker 1: that change as our Supreme Court made a decision unpopular
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Speaker 1: among many, but in honor of the unborn. Thank you.
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Speaker 1: Thank you, Father. We pray, Lord, that you will remind
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Speaker 1: all of us that we are your children and we
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Speaker 1: are here for the purpose of glorifying your name. We
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Speaker 1: are penniless. We are broken people which is why Jesus
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Speaker 1: paid it all, and all to him we owe. Today,
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Speaker 1: we acknowledge that as we find fulfillment in you and
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Speaker 1: in our Savior, Christ, who loved us and gave himself
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Speaker 1: for us. Finally, Father, I pray that you will use
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Speaker 1: this message To bring healing in families where there is
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Speaker 1: hurting and offense. I pray that you will speak through
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Speaker 1: your truth. Cut through all of the things that have
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Speaker 1: held us back. So that we give ourselves to your will.
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Speaker 1: Doing it your way. in your time, for your glory.
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Speaker 1: Through Christ, our Redeemer, our Lord and Master, we pray
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Speaker 1: these things. And all God's people said, Amen. Please be seated.
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Speaker 1: Few feelings are harder to live with than guilt and shame.
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Speaker 1: When they overwhelm us, it's like we are drowning. Like
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Speaker 1: drowning in self-defeating thoughts, memories of faults and failures from
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Speaker 1: the past. Sometimes they come in like a flood. They
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Speaker 1: interrupt our sleep. They disturb our peace. We can't seem
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Speaker 1: to shake them because, as the psalmist writes, our sins
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Speaker 1: are ever before us. They are there, fixed in our minds.
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Speaker 1: We can't erase them. Ever since I started this brief
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Speaker 1: series on the family, I've known this day was coming.
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Speaker 1: As a result, I've spent hours preparing my thoughts today
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Speaker 1: and probably will be a little more attached to my
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Speaker 1: notes than normal. because I have a lot to say
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Speaker 1: and I don't want to miss any of it or
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Speaker 1: misstate any part of it. I've asked the Lord to
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Speaker 1: guide clearly and to speak through his word using my
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Speaker 1: voice box to connect with all of you, you who
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Speaker 1: are here and you who are at a distance from us.
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Speaker 1: I speak to every one of us, especially to parents.
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Speaker 1: Let's face it, when we got married, we were young, ignorant,
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Speaker 1: and broke. We didn't know what we were doing. We
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Speaker 1: thought we could just live on love from then on.
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Speaker 1: Just love our way through life. Well, that got cold
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Speaker 1: about the second week. Didn't work. Then we started having children.
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Speaker 1: We thought, how great is this? Look at this adorable child.
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Speaker 1: Hard to believe a baby that adorable could come from
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Speaker 1: two people like us. We didn't know what we were doing.
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Speaker 1: We just raised them up like we were raised, making
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Speaker 1: the same mistakes our parents made, sometimes worse. There were
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Speaker 1: times our discipline was erratic, too soft when it should
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Speaker 1: have been harder and stronger, too severe when it should
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Speaker 1: have been more compassionate and caring. But we didn't know
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Speaker 1: what we were doing. There was no manual to follow.
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Speaker 1: If the Bible said anything about rearing children, it spoke
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Speaker 1: in a language that was ancient and it didn't really
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Speaker 1: seem to address the things we were struggling with. By
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Speaker 1: and by those children grew up and a distance formed
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Speaker 1: between us It had been going on for some time.
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Speaker 1: We kept hoping it would end. But before long, like
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Speaker 1: the folk song of yesteryear, we found ourselves passing like
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Speaker 1: ships in the night. Our son or our daughter or
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Speaker 1: both wanted little to do with us. We were filled
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Speaker 1: with guilt and shame. They were filled with resentment and disappointment.
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Speaker 1: It was hard to bear. All of this brings us
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Speaker 1: to the major question. What do we do about the
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Speaker 1: sins of our past, the failures of yesterday? How do
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Speaker 1: we handle them today? God certainly doesn't want his people
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Speaker 1: to live under the haunting presence of guilt and submerged
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Speaker 1: in shame. Let me begin with three painful realities of
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Speaker 1: our humanity. First, We are all imperfect people. That includes
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Speaker 1: our children. Those who grow up and become young adults,
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Speaker 1: marry and have their children, we are all imperfect, sinful people.
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Speaker 1: Romans 3.23 is usually used in addressing the subject of salvation.
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Speaker 1: I want to use it as it relates to our
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Speaker 1: imperfection as parents. In the New Living Translation, for everyone
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Speaker 1: has sinned, we all fall short of the glorious standards
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Speaker 1: of God. We all have sinned. We all fall short
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Speaker 1: to drive this home, your mother and your father fell short.
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Speaker 1: They were sinners, may have been great people, but they
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Speaker 1: were at birth, at heart, and in their will, sinful,
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Speaker 1: just as you are, just as our children are. This
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Speaker 1: also applies to your favorite teacher, your best mentor, a
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Speaker 1: former pastor that's now gone whom you love to the
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Speaker 1: point of idolizing, sinful, imperfect, the authors you love to read,
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Speaker 1: counselors you admire, artists you appreciate, composers whose songs you sing, leaders, coaches, heroes,
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Speaker 1: Bible characters, Evangelists, missionaries, martyrs, everyone falls short. Everyone. So
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Speaker 1: obviously it includes us. A big part of falling short
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Speaker 1: is simply living with imperfections and inadequacies. The inability to
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Speaker 1: perform at the highest level of accomplishment. We can't achieve it.
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Speaker 1: We may want to, we don't. It is therefore self-defeating
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Speaker 1: for imperfect people to beat themselves up with guilt for
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Speaker 1: failing to accomplish what we were never capable of achieving.
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Speaker 1: You were not built to accomplish 100% success You cannot
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Speaker 1: achieve perfection. The ideal is out of reach. When we
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Speaker 1: forget that we are imperfect, we give guilt, undeserved power
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Speaker 1: over us. We are imperfect, so are our kids. Second,
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Speaker 1: we cannot change the past. It is set in stone.
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Speaker 1: What was done was done. There it is. For whatever reason,
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Speaker 1: there it stands. We would all love to go back
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Speaker 1: and start over, given a second chance in our marriage life.
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Speaker 1: Starting with our honeymoon, wouldn't it have been great to
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Speaker 1: have had a good honeymoon? Wouldn't it have been wonderful
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Speaker 1: to have done things right from the get-go, right from
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Speaker 1: the altar? But we didn't. We didn't. Wouldn't it have
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Speaker 1: been wonderful to re-raise our, well, maybe not all together,
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Speaker 1: but you know what I mean. To have a second
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Speaker 1: chance at doing it right, now that we know what
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Speaker 1: we have learned from about making a study of our
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Speaker 1: child and respecting the way God had prepared them during
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Speaker 1: the nine months they're in the womb so that we
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Speaker 1: can cooperate with the good bents and deal with the
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Speaker 1: wrong and the bad bents within them. And that we
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Speaker 1: could be consistent about it, but we cannot erase yesterday's failures.
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Speaker 1: That's absolutely impossible. It's a waste of time. Someone as
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Speaker 1: great as Paul the Apostle wrote in Philippians 3, 13
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Speaker 1: and 14, this one thing I do. I focus on this.
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Speaker 1: Forgetting the past and looking forward to the future. to
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Speaker 1: what lies ahead, I press on. What a great, great
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Speaker 1: way to live. Oh. What a wonderful way to carry
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Speaker 1: out our lives. But we don't do that. We dredge
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Speaker 1: up the past. We remind others of our past. We
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Speaker 1: often live in the past, and as a result, there
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Speaker 1: it is again, guilt and shame, guilt and shame, dogging
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Speaker 1: our steps, stealing our energy, robbing us of joy because
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Speaker 1: we are refusing the past. Think of what Paul had
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Speaker 1: to forget running with the Pharisees, living in such pride,
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Speaker 1: chasing down Christians, hoping to see them arrested, even killed.
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Speaker 1: All of that was in his past, forgetting the past.
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Speaker 1: Looking forward to the future, I press on. Otherwise, He
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Speaker 1: could have never written these letters that instruct us, could
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Speaker 1: have never provided for us what we needed. Look, life
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Speaker 1: is like a coin. We can spend it any way
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Speaker 1: we wish, but we can only spend it once.
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Speaker 2: Once.
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Speaker 1: We're facing three realities related to our sinfulness. We're imperfect.
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Speaker 1: We cannot change the past. Here's the third. We are
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Speaker 1: personally responsible for our own wrongs. It is not only
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Speaker 1: a waste, it is unbiblical for us to rationalize around
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Speaker 1: our wrongs, to excuse our wrongs, or to blame someone
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Speaker 1: else for our wrongs. When we do wrong we are responsible.
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Speaker 1: Before the alcoholic can ever get free of the addiction
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Speaker 1: he or she must begin with I am an alcoholic.
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Speaker 1: Before the prodigal son could ever return home with any
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Speaker 1: sense of plan to go ahead with his life He
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Speaker 1: must begin with, as he said to the pigs, practicing
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Speaker 1: his speech, I have sinned against you, my father, and
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Speaker 1: against others. David said it in 2 Samuel 12, 13,
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Speaker 1: after Nathan confronted him with his adultery. I have sinned
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Speaker 1: against the Lord. These three realities may seem a strange
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Speaker 1: way to deal with our guilt and shame, but these
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Speaker 1: are starting points. These will break down our pride, humble us,
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Speaker 1: drive us to our knees as a starting place before
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Speaker 1: our God. You don't need to turn. I will read
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Speaker 1: the verses for you. Jeremiah 29, verses 10 and 11.
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Speaker 1: The Lord said this to the Jews following a lengthy
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Speaker 1: period of wrongdoing and disobedience. Strong words here. This is
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Speaker 1: what the Lord says. You will be in Babylon for
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Speaker 1: 70 days. years but then I will come and do
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Speaker 1: for you all the good things I promised I will
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Speaker 1: bring you home again for I know the plans I
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Speaker 1: have for you says the Lord they are plans for
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Speaker 1: good and not for disaster to give you a future
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Speaker 1: and a hope how great is that But he said
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Speaker 1: to that, he said that to those people in Babylon,
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Speaker 1: seven consistent decades, they're away from home. That's a long
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Speaker 1: time to be humbled, to be reminded of their failure.
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Speaker 1: It's where things began, not where they were to end.
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Speaker 1: I will come, I will relieve you of the captivity.
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Speaker 1: I will bring you back to the land to give
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Speaker 1: you a future and a hope, but you must go
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Speaker 1: through Babylon these years. Some of you have not been broken.
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Speaker 1: You have not acknowledged the truth of your own wrongdoing
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Speaker 1: to those you have offended. Your Babylonian captivity may be
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Speaker 1: a dysfunctional family as a result. It may be a
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Speaker 1: son or a daughter who wants little, if anything, to
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Speaker 1: do with you today. Let me go to the other side.
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Speaker 1: It may not make sense to you because you were
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Speaker 1: a fairly good parent. You did not abuse your child.
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Speaker 1: You did not knowingly embarrass your child or take unfair
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Speaker 1: advantage of her or him. You were a fairly good parent,
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Speaker 1: but look at what happened. Remember, your children are also
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Speaker 1: bent toward wrongdoing. They have an old sin nature, just
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Speaker 1: as the prodigal son with that great father he had
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Speaker 1: still did wrong. had to learn his lesson the hard way.
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Speaker 1: For the rest of my time, I want to address
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Speaker 1: getting past all the guilt and all the shame so
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Speaker 1: we can focus our life on recovery and renewal. To
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Speaker 1: get there, here is what won't help. Please hear this well.
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Speaker 1: Two things. First, it won't help for you to misinterpret
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Speaker 1: the scriptures. Basically, here's what I'm saying. Guard against always
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Speaker 1: and nevers. Guard against making promises airtight. For example, when
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Speaker 1: the Lord says in Proverbs 22, 6, train up a
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Speaker 1: child according to his way and when he was old,
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Speaker 1: He will not depart from it. But the verse does
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Speaker 1: not say that will happen in 100% of the cases.
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Speaker 1: Every child will come back to the Lord. No, they won't.
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Speaker 1: Some die in their sin. Remember, you're dealing with damaged goods.
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Speaker 1: And you yourself are damaged. This makes it complicated. Be
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Speaker 1: careful about the always and nevers. in God's Word. Rarely
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Speaker 1: do we have the freedom to use those words in
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Speaker 1: His promises. Proverbs 22, 6 never guarantees 100% success in
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Speaker 1: the rearing of our children, but chances are good if
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Speaker 1: you are faithful to do what you should do in
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Speaker 1: the rearing of your kids, More often than not, good
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Speaker 1: will occur rather than bad, though there are always exceptions.
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Speaker 1: It doesn't mean it's your fault. Here's another something that
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Speaker 1: won't work, is to ignore common sense. Think.
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Speaker 2: Keep thinking.
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Speaker 1: Keep thinking. Think when you marry. Think when you have children.
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Speaker 1: Think when things are going wrong. Think with common sense.
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Speaker 1: If anybody on this planet needs common sense in spades,
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Speaker 1: we do as parents. It played a major role in
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Speaker 1: our parents' lives and it has not gone out of style.
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Speaker 1: Keep paying attention to your gut instincts. Think practically. Think independently.
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Speaker 1: Don't be afraid to think outside the box. Apply common sense.
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Speaker 1: For the next few moments, I'm going to read for
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Speaker 1: you from a book titled Parents in Pain. by Dr.
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Speaker 1: John White, a physician, British physician, who writes about common sense.
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Speaker 1: He writes this. Bear with me. It's a bit lengthy,
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Speaker 1: but it's worth hearing. I have a feeling, he writes,
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Speaker 1: that when doubts and anxieties assail us, common sense is
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Speaker 1: the first thing to go. We long for easy answers,
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Speaker 1: unambiguous assurance. The doubts and guilts drown our minds out.
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Speaker 1: and make us not want to think rationally, but instead
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Speaker 1: to cling to any bit of ideological driftwood that comes along.
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Speaker 1: The last thing we want to do when we are
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Speaker 1: drowning is to think logically, yet think we must. Then
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Speaker 1: he writes, As a recently graduated doctor, I was given
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Speaker 1: major duties in surgery too early. Within a year of
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Speaker 1: completing my medical training, I was frequently responsible at night
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Speaker 1: for all the emergency surgery in a large city hospital,
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Speaker 1: as well as in a smaller hospital on one of
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Speaker 1: Britain's major highways. During the days, I was often given
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Speaker 1: my own operating list, and less than a year after that,
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Speaker 1: I was doing gastrectomies. Understandably, things sometimes went wrong, seriously wrong.
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Speaker 1: In the operating room, a wave of panic would occasionally
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Speaker 1: begin to rise in me as with horror, I would
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Speaker 1: see that the operation was getting into a deeper and
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Speaker 1: deeper mess. An unconscious patient's life depended on me. The
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Speaker 1: anesthetist was competent in his or her own area but
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Speaker 1: could offer me no help. Senior surgeons were an hour away.
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Speaker 1: With the panic came a sort of freezing in my brain.
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Speaker 1: My movements were hurried but pointless and repetitive. I would
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Speaker 1: stare at the circle of the eyes of the assisting
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Speaker 1: team around me, but all eyes would be looking silently
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Speaker 1: back at me. Under such circumstances, the only thing I
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Speaker 1: could do was forcefully will myself to think slowly and deliberately.
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Speaker 1: I discovered that being a Christian, I had been sending
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Speaker 1: up panicky prayers. Like, oh Lord, help. Oh Lord, don't
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Speaker 1: let it go wrong. Lord, don't let me get into
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Speaker 1: a mess here. Don't let her die. They were muttered incantations,
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Speaker 1: not prayers. I'd not been aiming at communicating with God
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Speaker 1: but was simply expressing panic in parrot talk. Stay with
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Speaker 1: me here. God, of course, was merciful. He was there.
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Speaker 1: But I saw that I had to stop and think
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Speaker 1: On a spiritual level, I had to talk to myself
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Speaker 1: rather than to God. God is here. He doesn't need
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Speaker 1: to be badgered. He does care. Now, take it easy.
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Speaker 1: What's my immediate aim? What should I do first? Slowly,
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Speaker 1: as I did this, a mental clearing came, my mind unfroze,
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Speaker 1: and I found myself, if not relaxed, at least able
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Speaker 1: to be deliberate and calm. Slowly, with a sense of
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Speaker 1: growing confidence and relief, I found my way through the difficulties,
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Speaker 1: successfully completing what could have been a tragically botched operation.
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Speaker 1: I've no doubt that God's Holy Spirit was behind it.
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Speaker 1: He was behind it all, but what was demanded of
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Speaker 1: me in each crisis was to force myself to stop
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Speaker 1: the panic spiral and think. I don't know where you
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Speaker 1: may be as you read these words, a parent fearing
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Speaker 1: the future, a parent relaxing, a little after a crisis
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Speaker 1: or one in the midst of one. But in our
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Speaker 1: association together, you as reader and I as writer, I
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Speaker 1: must insist on this ground rule that at times you
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Speaker 1: force yourself to think, even when you do not feel
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Speaker 1: like it. Which brings us back to where we started,
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Speaker 1: common sense. Whether you are a Christian or not, you
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Speaker 1: need plenty of it in dealing with yourself, your family,
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Speaker 1: and the child who causes you so much pain. And
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Speaker 1: I say again that common sense says that all the
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Speaker 1: blame does not necessarily lie with you. If one of
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Speaker 1: your children goes badly wrong, it may but it is
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Speaker 1: rarely so simple. So those two things must be kept
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Speaker 1: in mind, men and women. We must guard against misinterpreting scripture,
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Speaker 1: and we must maintain good thinking with common sense as
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Speaker 1: we deal with the subjects related to the family. Now
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Speaker 1: let me continue with a couple of things that won't help.
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Speaker 1: Let me continue with what will help. Two words, true repentance.
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Speaker 1: True repentance. In Isaiah 58, which I read earlier in
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Speaker 1: the scripture reading, There's a strong rebuke from the Lord
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Speaker 1: for people who went through the empty motions of religious
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Speaker 1: activity instead of exhibiting heartfelt repentance. The subject in Isaiah
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Speaker 1: 58 was fasting. And rather than fast with humility and
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Speaker 1: a genuineness, they got busy about religious activities And he
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Speaker 1: says with a hard question, do you think the Lord
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Speaker 1: was pleased with any of that? And there is a
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Speaker 1: bold answer, no, no. So now let me apply these
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Speaker 1: verses to your life and to mine. I'm going to
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Speaker 1: be very vulnerable in doing so. There are five guidelines
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Speaker 1: I find in Isaiah 58, that will help you and
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Speaker 1: they will help me as we come to terms with
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Speaker 1: a family that lacks harmony, that is becoming dysfunctional, if
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Speaker 1: not altogether. We must begin by humbling ourselves. That's verses
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Speaker 1: 7 and 8. Pride is often the major culprit of
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Speaker 1: in family squabbles, and family problems. Often it's the pride
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Speaker 1: of parents. So I'm not surprised that the Lord begins
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Speaker 1: with humility. For some of you, this is far talk.
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Speaker 1: You were reared, I'm the parent. I don't humble myself
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Speaker 1: before my children. I'm sorry you were told that. That's
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Speaker 1: stupid counsel. You humble yourself before anyone before whom you
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Speaker 1: have been proud. if you ever want to break the syndrome.
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Speaker 1: He begins by emphasizing humility, removing the chains, sharing, giving,
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Speaker 1: not hiding from family members. And you will find the
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Speaker 1: wounds will begin to heal. So start with humility. I'm
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Speaker 1: going to get more specific. Pray. The end of verse nine,
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Speaker 1: I would suggest while praying, you would be wise to
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Speaker 1: write down the offenses you have caused and connect the
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Speaker 1: offense with a name. It's right. Go back and remember
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Speaker 1: where the offense occurred. See it as such. Call it
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Speaker 1: as such. Name the one you offended in the act.
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Speaker 1: In prayer, ask for guidance to remember the names and
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Speaker 1: to identify the offense. Don't be easy on yourself. Talk straight. Think.
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Speaker 1: Don't hide. Verse 3, I should say verse 9, refers
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Speaker 1: to removing the yoke So I would say cease all blaming.
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Speaker 1: Stop all finger pointing. If you had not so and so,
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Speaker 1: I would not, none of that. And for sure, refuse
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Speaker 1: to gossip and spread rumors about how bad your kids
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Speaker 1: have turned out. That doesn't help them and it doesn't
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Speaker 1: help you. This is a private matter between you and
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Speaker 1: the one you've offended. So remove the yoke, which brings
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Speaker 1: us to the fourth, and here I want to camp
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Speaker 1: on it for a little bit longer. Make yourself available
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Speaker 1: and vulnerable. Verses 10 and 11. I suggest that you
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Speaker 1: set up time to sit down with your adult children,
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Speaker 1: the ones you have wounded in the past, the ones
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Speaker 1: you've offended. In doing so, you will find ways to
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Speaker 1: be released from the grip of guilt and lifted out
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Speaker 1: of the shadow of shame. My wife and I decided
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Speaker 1: to do that in the Swindoll family. By the time
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Speaker 1: we decided that, our children were all by then adults
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Speaker 1: and married. We worked with a counselor that we admired
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Speaker 1: who gave us very clear biblical direction in how to
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Speaker 1: take care of this being available and vulnerable matter. He
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Speaker 1: suggested we actually meet with them privately, not including their mates.
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Speaker 1: Their partners in life had nothing to do with our offenses.
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Speaker 1: The offenses occurred as they were growing up more often
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Speaker 1: than not. So literally, Cynthia and I asked our four
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Speaker 1: adult children to take time on a particular day to
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Speaker 1: meet with us and the counselor in a hotel room
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Speaker 1: private with the door closed. No one else was there
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Speaker 1: but the six of us in the family and the
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Speaker 1: counselor who remained absolutely silent after instructing us on how
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Speaker 1: to go about this. We had both put together our
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Speaker 1: own lists. Not surprisingly, my list was longer than hers.
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Speaker 1: I had seven or eight, maybe nine things I needed
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Speaker 1: to mention that I could remember where I had done
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Speaker 1: what was wrong, where I had been offensive where I
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Speaker 1: had hurt one of my children while growing up. One
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Speaker 1: of the occasions was a matter when I embarrassed one
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Speaker 1: in front of their friends at a birthday party. I
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Speaker 1: remembered it like it was yesterday. So did she. When
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Speaker 1: I named it, she broke into tears. So did I.
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Speaker 1: But my list was about eight or nine. Cynthia's was
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Speaker 1: about five or six. each of us a different list.
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Speaker 1: We didn't compare our list. What we had done to
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Speaker 1: offend our family had been different from one another, but
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Speaker 1: we needed to humble ourselves before our children. They sat
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Speaker 1: in silence with tears. By the time we ended, we
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Speaker 1: were all in tears, even the counselor. It was the
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Speaker 1: most genuine, authentic, open, unguarded, no-holes-barred expression of wrongdoing one way.
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Speaker 1: We did not ask them at that moment to forgive us.
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Speaker 1: We did not come to expect from them at that
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Speaker 1: time any response. They were somewhere between amazed and completely shocked.
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Speaker 1: not knowing what the meeting would be about. We cleared
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Speaker 1: the list, the lists, Cynthia with hers, me with mine.
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Speaker 1: They listened very patiently, never once interrupted, never once responded,
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Speaker 1: nor did we ask them to respond. When we finished,
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Speaker 1: we did not pray. We felt it was appropriate simply
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Speaker 1: to end the time because it was such a deeply
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Speaker 1: emotional period. We would simply end it in tears. And
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Speaker 1: we expressed to each one the depth of our sorrowful confession.
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Speaker 1: We asked for their forgiveness. We told them that we
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Speaker 1: were wrong. And we were saddened that they had to
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Speaker 1: endure those wrong things we had done. I don't believe
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Speaker 1: we left out anything that was a meaningful offense. We
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Speaker 1: left it all before them. We stood up in tears
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Speaker 1: we did not embrace. As I recall, we walked to
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Speaker 1: the door, the counselor remained, and what he said to them,
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Speaker 1: to this day, I do not know. But he assured
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Speaker 1: us that he would take it from there, and he
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Speaker 1: had words for them as to how they could respond.
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Speaker 1: We left, still in tears, driving home in silence, but
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Speaker 1: fully assured that nothing had been held back. We brought
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Speaker 1: everything and left it there. Now the fifth guideline is
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Speaker 1: you trust the Lord to bring healing and major changes
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Speaker 1: in his time. You don't manipulate it. You don't call
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Speaker 1: them up two days later to check on things. If
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Speaker 1: it's brought up again, they will bring it up. We've
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Speaker 1: had our say. I don't mean that to sound uncaring.
48:25
Speaker 1: I mean it to sound respectful. They're adults. They remembered,
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Speaker 1: of course. We didn't miss it. Every one of the
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Speaker 1: things we named struck a note in each one of
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Speaker 1: their lives. Instead of remaining offenders, we became at that
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Speaker 1: time a restorer of the breach, a rebuilder of our home.
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Speaker 1: I would like to believe So my closing words have
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Speaker 1: to do with when you carry this out, if the
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Speaker 1: Lord so leads you to do this, make sure you
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Speaker 1: do it privately. Don't hide anything. Don't hurry the process.
49:29
Speaker 1: Don't hold anything back. I'm going to close with a
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Speaker 1: story that is not mine but is a story told
49:41
Speaker 1: by Louis L'Amour, the Western writer many of us have
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Speaker 1: read for years. Years ago, he wrote a book titled Frontier.
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Speaker 1: In the book, he describes life on the journey from
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Speaker 1: East to Western United States as the covered wagons made
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Speaker 1: their way to the Oregon and California to the west.
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Speaker 1: He writes this in Frontier. The crossing of the continental
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Speaker 1: divide came in the midst of an open plain after
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Speaker 1: a long, steady climb. But the worst of the travel
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Speaker 1: lay ahead. Grass was scarcer than waterholes farther apart, crossing
50:43
Speaker 1: the desert of the Great Basin and then the passes
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Speaker 1: of the Sierras, presented a terrible ordeal that called for
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Speaker 1: all the judgment and skill required on the long trek westward.
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Speaker 1: Now listen very carefully. whatever was left that could be
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Speaker 1: discarded was thrown out of the covered wagons to lighten
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Speaker 1: the wagons for the oxen, mules, or horses who were
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Speaker 1: now worn down day after day of marching. At Ragtown,
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Speaker 1: as it was called in Nevada were acres of discarded books, chairs, dressers, dishes, keepsakes,
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Speaker 1: many of which had come from Europe with the first pioneers.
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Speaker 1: Many a woman looked back at the few precious things
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Speaker 1: brought from home that lay abandoned there. Only one thought
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Speaker 1: remained among the pioneers to get through, to make it
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Speaker 1: to California or to Oregon, whichever was the destination. All
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Speaker 1: were richer for their experience. Many remained to build, to create,
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Speaker 1: to establish themselves in that new land. They had discovered
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Speaker 1: that the ability to adapt was the ability to survive.
52:53
Speaker 1: There's the key statement. The ability to adapt was the
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Speaker 1: ability to survive. They were made stronger by the knowledge
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Speaker 1: that they could do what had to be done in
53:08
Speaker 1: order to survive. We came to that same conclusion as
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Speaker 1: a couple. We would not protect anything in order to
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Speaker 1: make things right. In the old words of yesteryear, we
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Speaker 1: would pull out all the stops We would toss out
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Speaker 1: all the things that we could think of that had
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Speaker 1: caused offenses and heartbreak and brokenness among us and between
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Speaker 1: us and the family. We would trust God to use
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Speaker 1: it to ultimately bring us back together, which indeed he
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Speaker 1: did and he is doing. By the way, doesn't it
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Speaker 1: tie in beautifully with the cross? When we come as
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Speaker 1: sinful people to the cross, we hold nothing back. We
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Speaker 1: come just as we are. We declare ourselves sinful, distant
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Speaker 1: from God, and we claim that Christ and Christ alone
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Speaker 1: By faith and faith alone, through grace and grace alone,
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Speaker 1: we come to be rescued from our sins and to
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Speaker 1: be delivered eternally from ourselves that we might spend our
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Speaker 1: future with our Heavenly Father, forgiven, cleansed, because we have
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Speaker 1: laid it all before him. In all candor, I don't
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Speaker 1: know what it's going to take to get each one
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Speaker 1: of you to do what needs to be done, but
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Speaker 1: I was convinced when I prepared this message, this is
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Speaker 1: at least a start. And I can assure you, God
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Speaker 1: will honor your humility and your effort to make it right,
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Speaker 1: your children may not want to meet with you. I
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Speaker 1: understand that. On the other hand, they may be willing.
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Speaker 1: When they know it's not a time in which you're
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Speaker 1: going to blame any of this on them, you're going
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Speaker 1: to make it right. If for the very first time
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Speaker 1: in their adult life, they're going to hear you declare,
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Speaker 1: this was wrong. I want you to know how sad
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Speaker 1: I am that I did that. Please forgive me when you,
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Speaker 1: in your heart, feel you can do so, but I
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Speaker 1: lay it all before you. Trust me, men and women,
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Speaker 1: God honors a broken and contrite heart. He will have
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Speaker 1: nothing to do with pride. But if you will come
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Speaker 1: before him first and then before those you have offended,
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Speaker 1: may not be just family members. There may be others.
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Speaker 1: You may have done your former mate wrong. You get
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Speaker 1: around it now by blaming him or her for their wrongs.
57:07
Speaker 1: You're responsible, remember, for your wrongs. Have you ever made
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Speaker 1: that right? Have you ever openly thought that's why there's
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Speaker 1: a distance between whoever it may be and you? Either way,
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Speaker 1: it's your move. I leave it with you. Please bow
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Speaker 1: your heads with me. Thank you for listening so carefully.
57:45
Speaker 1: May God give you the same determination when this meeting
57:52
Speaker 1: ends to follow through. May he be honored in what
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Speaker 1: was said. Help us all, our Father. Help us all.
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Speaker 1: Each one of us is as imperfect as the other.
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Speaker 1: Our wrongs oppress us, make us sad. But we don't
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Speaker 1: want to stop there. That's Babylon. We want to move
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Speaker 1: on to a place of a future and a hope.
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Speaker 1: So as you enable that to happen, give us the strength,
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Speaker 1: give us the determination to think clearly, to bring ourselves
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Speaker 1: before those we have wounded so that we might forever
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Speaker 1: find forgiveness and hope to go on. Finally, thank you, Father,
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Speaker 1: for accepting every one of us who has called upon
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Speaker 1: you to be rescued from our sins. Thank you. Thank you.
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Speaker 1: Thank you. In Jesus' name we pray. Everyone said, Amen.
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Speaker 2: The preceding message, Getting Past Yesterday's Failures, was copyrighted in
59:29
Speaker 2: 2022 and 2023 and the sound recording was copyrighted in
59:34
Speaker 2: 2023 by Charles R.
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Speaker 1: Swindoll, Inc.
59:37
Speaker 2: All rights are reserved worldwide. Duplication of copyrighted material for
59:42
Speaker 2: commercial use is strictly prohibited.