Latest / Gunhild Torleivsdotter Podcast / #4: Da jeg mistet pappa og nesten meg selv
Transcript
- Sorg og selvmordstanker: Before I start, I want to that this is an episode where I will talk about sorrow and suicidal thoughts. So if you feel that this is a bit too for you, or you don't want to this break, no, to this episode, you can skip it, or take a break. And if something in you, then, yeah, take a break. I live in Tromsø at this time of And I have just lost my father. One of the important people in my life is gone. And I feel that I lost touch with reality As if one big part of me is just gone. Where the hell am I to... What's going to now? How am I going to be live on now? When everything is gone. Because it's the feeling, it's not like I've lost a very important person in my life. The person who makes me like a part of myself just got gone. How the hell am I going to continue? I feel lonely, have so much pain in my I had pain before, but now it's just like I said. I don't know if it's coincidence, it feels like I know what he has through. Because it's just like I have taken in his pain, and it's so painful that I scream. And I'm bedridden and bedridden and I can't anything. I can't work, I can't be in place. No way. I can't be social friends, can't be... be a part of... be part of society's expectations It's just like in my life, everything is up. While in others life, it's just like things are going on. And I... I am in the darkness Everything is completely black. And I give up. I have given up. I want to end my life. And I decide for different scenarios on how to end my life. How I should... I plan how to do it. Should I jump out of a bridge? Or should I stop in of a bus on my to the way to drive The whole night this story up. Everything just came out. And then felt like, okay, now that I'm going sleep, it come of course. And I couldn't sleep. Just thought about that period and how it felt and how I would relate to... And then I like, okay, I just to write it down. So that's I'm phone, because I wrote it down here. The whole story. And everything is written in my words. I feel lonely and my body so I pain before as but they are not near what I feel now. is physical, mental pain. All of me has pain. But days will... But some days just to in bed and And I mean it. Some days I specifically about taking life. It's so damn dark that I just want to give up. I have come to a point where I almost don't care about what's happening to me. One day I'm on my to the I don't remember where I'm but I remember that I the coming and that I a thought about ending my life there and then. Then another thought Is it worth it? I have this one in my life. Should it stop here or should I meet what I'm going through and see if I can get further? This is my life. How can I get further from here? I have no answer to how, but I get that thought and I still it. A foot ahead the other. That's where I have to start. But damn, it hurts. I'm so tired, so tired of meeting myself in the and feeling that I can't do it. I can't work, I can't be with friends and be social, I can't meet. I'm done. At the time, I know the expectations that I have to have a job to be to this life. At this point in have 100 % peace in the But I have just lost my father I'm in sorrow and it's so hard to work when my hurts so much. I switch between the left and right foot. Sometimes I all the up to the and the pelvis. I manage to out bed, so I have to go on sick leave Then I a week on coming back. Just enough for me to think, okay, maybe it's possible now. I try to work again. No, it's not I can't do it. Then I am sent into the manager’s office That's I remember it, says my leader It's your fault that you've lost your It's you who's the problem here. It's not your Now you to see to sharpen yourself. and I just should I this on top? I feel that my wants to me out and I need help. I need someone who understands me, understands that I actually can't do this now. So I go to Nav. I sit down at the office and tell about the situation. The one who sits there seems nice to begin with. I start crying, tell that I lost my dad. that I have it very difficult and that I don't know how to move on. I need to on sick leave again I think that I might need work and employment money. I need help to find out. But what I remember from the is the about my adress I have not reported an address change. It has been too long and I remember it. I get a message that if I arrange it, can Could I receive a prison sentence I there and have just told that I have lost my dad And then I get this back. I am terrified. Totally desperate. I feel that I can't trust my manager I feel that I can't trust the people I meet at NAV. And every feeling I can't trust anyone. I'm myself more more. I so little contact with my body at time it hurts so match What's real joke about me fighting so hard when I only meet more opponents? At this time, I go to Argentine's Tango in Mellom. is one of the best I know, but now I can't it I go there, but I can't dance like before. There I meet a woman. I am one who talks to people, especially when I it difficult. I am not so good at keeping the and pretend that everything is fine. People see it in me. She asks me if tried therapy and I have something to talk to about what I go through. And after while I with a psychologist in Tromsø. I go in conversations in about 1 years. It helps me a lot. It's also difficult. We go in dark. I talk about the after dad, but also about life before I lost him. About my and how much I have with me. I am also encouraged to Walk to the therapy sessions in other words, on foot And I think, how in the world should I manage it when I so much pain Sometimes feels like I'm walking on sticks. It's so damn hard to put my feet down. But I try. And the is that if I have been there and been with the then I have done something that day. Then I have been really good. Then I can go home and lie down. then I may need several days to get back And then there is a new attempt at work, as the days by. Survival, survival, survival. Some parts of this time remember well, other parts I completely clueless. I can't put everything in order, but I remember how dark it was, and how tired I was, of trying. There is a reason why I want to share this now. I feel that I need to talk about it. Maybe it can help me to get rid of some what I still carry. When I look back, I how strongly I experienced the sorrow in my body. I also have the experience of very physically sensitive. It can feel like I in other pain, as if it clinging on me and I continue to carry it. It's how it feels for me. I don't know what's going on or what all the pain is of. But when dad died, felt like I was both feeling my sorrow and his pain And maybe also a lot old age that I already had with me. Today I my completely different. I don't the same permanent pain. But I can feel the pain when I talk about something difficult. Or when I'm with someone and notice that I'm doing not good about them in the situation I can also feel it when I try to help others. when I am very concerned that they should feel safe to get what they need. And this is a situation, example, I have skills. I have skills, and these skills... Sometimes people to me and they don't know that they need to come to me and then it's clear that they need and then I helped them in one way another. This is something I still try to understand. And when I look back at the time in Tromsø, I also of that inner voice. The one that came out when I was on my to the bus I experienced it as contact with my soul As if there was something in me that said, you can come further. You can get out of this darkness. It meant a lot to me. And meant a that the woman the Tango saw me. That I eventually came to a psychologist. That I got to talk about it. For an extended period I have thought many times about how far it has come since then. About everything I on everything I couldn't see in of while I was in of it. It's also a part of this story I want to be honest about. I didn't alcohol to comfort myself or numb from what I felt. It was conscious choice. I didn't any smoking problems. I am proud of... I am proud that I have held on to that choice for myself. But I sought confirmation in other ways. I used sex to feel set, to get confirmation, to feel that someone wanted have me. That is also part of my I the black styles and used them for period, but got blockages and stopped using the After each, I to explore essential oils and alternative approaches. I experienced that some of them were good for me. It was also part of my in I could take care of myself in everyday life. But I part is a conversation for another reason. When I tell you about this now, I think of myself in the I had just lost my dad, I had so much and I tried to a life that I didn't have the strength to. I didn't know how to get further. But that thought came. I have this one life. Can I see how far I can get? And here I now, telling this story. you Hmm I think the reason I'm now is because I'm so right about the that I've shared it. Because for me, this is something I've been carrying for so long. And... I understand why I have one of those. I think I understand so much more about why I operate as I do. As a person who really... I I have been a person who has protected myself. And worked so hard to make this area safe. And it was actually Florence Given who said in one of her episodes, podcast episodes, said that it is relationships we learn from, but it is also relationships that hurt us. That teach us to be afraid of ourselves. Or something like that. And... It is when we are in our safe, in our safe body, and least if we don't have contact with anyone during period, and we are in our, our body center, in our body. Then don't need to relate to others, which means we don't to someone else's And the more we go into things that are scary or experience big events, like this one for example, then it make us... and future. We go into fight or flight and we always this feeling of, what is happening behind us? what is it? Kahirt? something like that. On guard. And that is something I know about. And it is also in these times that get depression, or it is guaranteed that I depression during this period. is for sure. And then anxiety, and then PTSD. And then fibromyalgia pain which moves. I think there are several things here that you haven't on paper, but there are several things that happen at time. It should be that I had contact with the at the time, but I did them much about myself. Because I heard that they had enough with themselves. They had enough of their sorrow. And I was available to help them, even though I had difficulties. And somewhere there I just to say no, I can not. Now I to... Now I have prioritize myself. And I couldn't say it that way. I just to... to... Or I think I just took it a limit, actually. Now I'm so bad. And then it just And I feel it now, example, I'm really hurt here. Here in the arms, the chest, I'm little stressed in my body and I feel pain all over. then What I can see now is that it's just something is about to out of my it's going to out. So this, to have gotten into this story, I don't see it as a negative thing. I know that I'm safe here. I'm safe in this house here. I have a cat that's under the table here now. She's here and relaxing. I am here. And it's also a bit white. So... And I know that I am not alone now. And I know that I wasn't alone either. But I didn't contact. I didn't have the courage. Or in one way I did. Because my was so high. It talked so high to me. That it wasn't supposed to mistake and... I got lot of signs all the time that just showed me that I'm not alone. It was so clear and I don't maybe you've experienced it some times, that you've gone through a very traumatic thing or you've gone through the same thing. And then you've experienced that there are so many clear signs out there that you should move on. You can do it. and it's God, it's soul, or it's the universe, or... But I'm absolutely sure that there is a part of me that helps me. That I am part of the universe. I believe that. The vulva is also way into the universe, so... I feel that all of this is a part of the universe. We women are a part of the universe So it's okay to say that don't believe in it, I can respect that, but I believe in it. Because I have experienced so much that I have confirmed it so much. The choice I made to be and to jump out. That choice was my choice, it was because I got help to make that choice. So, thank you so And thank you so for listening through and have you experienced the same? I I would say that one... Have patience to your soul Have patience to universe Don't put a lock on it or push it away. Have patience. Because you really are not alone. Maybe you have Perhaps you have friends who turn their backs on you; in that case, Yes, then it's not right to have around you. And once you connect with the universe or the soul, will find people like her, a or a man who comes into your and wants to help you. And that, I think, is angels or people who are connected with a universe, who come with messages that you should hear. And I have experienced so many times in my life, that it is people who appear. When I feel depressed, or not feeling good, or feel lonely, I people who are fantastic. I don't they know that they are me, they just do it. And it's like I do, I often help others too. it's meeting people and being open and brave and showing that I don't it good. Show the truth, you know what? I think that is so incredibly important. Because when we do the facade and we just push ourselves down, can't expect to get help either. Then you alone. And then I say, sorry, but it's a for you. In a situation like this, can be between life and death. So actually, in a way, maybe that's... But I have never been a fan of the facade, in relation to one should put a lid on and hide something about oneself. And then I think, alarm, alarm, then maybe that's something people want to work with. Because then it's not about... It's about a person here, needs to work with their self-confidence, self-image, and reflect on their own actions. That's one thing, but if you self-confidence, it's that easy. Then you a connection with your soul, a gold. and not maintain that facade. Fuck it. It's not important. You, are much more important. That you live. That you're doing well. Much more important. So.