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How to Breakup with a Friend · Stuff Mom Never Told You

0:05
Speaker 1: Hey, this is Annie and Samantha and welcome to Steph.
0:08
Speaker 1: I've never told your production of I Heart Radio. Annie.
0:19
Speaker 1: I have a question for you, Okay, can you tell
0:22
Speaker 1: me a time in your childhood you had a friendship
0:25
Speaker 1: ending moment? So the one that comes immediately to mind
0:32
Speaker 1: actually wasn't a friendship ending moment for me, but one
0:37
Speaker 1: of my best friends who's been on the show now, Katie,
0:40
Speaker 1: and I have two best friends Katie, so that's very confusing.
0:42
Speaker 1: But recently. Katie. We grew up together. We were neighbors,
0:46
Speaker 1: and um, I loved hanging out with her. She was
0:48
Speaker 1: friends with another Katie, my goodness, Katie Jokes, who was
0:54
Speaker 1: like a cool kid, and I was very much not
0:56
Speaker 1: a cool kid at this point. This was like third grade.
0:58
Speaker 1: I was cool up until third great but then things changed.
1:02
Speaker 1: But they were both at my house because Katie had
1:06
Speaker 1: come to visit my friend Katie, and my friend Katie
1:09
Speaker 1: wanted to come hang out with me. And I'm sorry
1:11
Speaker 1: this is so confusing, but we were playing like that
1:15
Speaker 1: game of Hot Scotch where you it's like a snail.
1:17
Speaker 1: I don't know if anybody remembers that, but we loved
1:20
Speaker 1: playing it and Katie Jones reached her boiling point and
1:24
Speaker 1: said to my friend Katie, like, I don't like this girl, Annie.
1:28
Speaker 1: You choose right here now which one of us is
1:31
Speaker 1: it gonna be, because I will walk out of here
1:34
Speaker 1: right now. We won't be friends anymore. And I was
1:38
Speaker 1: just kind of shocked because I didn't know where this
1:40
Speaker 1: code had come from. But my friend Katie, she just
1:45
Speaker 1: continued to play the game in silence, didn't say anything,
1:48
Speaker 1: and Katie Jones walked away by yourself at history was made? Wow, Yeah, okay,
1:57
Speaker 1: it was pretty dramatic. That was dramatic. I've never had
2:00
Speaker 1: a full fledged declaration and giving you an ultimatum. Wow,
2:05
Speaker 1: especially in middle school that it was elementary school. Wow.
2:10
Speaker 1: And uh yeah. They were not friends again after that.
2:14
Speaker 1: And things were always awkward between me and Katie Jones.
2:16
Speaker 1: And we both played clarinet and band. It was a
2:19
Speaker 1: little tense. I love it. You gotta love have competition,
2:25
Speaker 1: That's what that is, right. I was second chair, she
2:30
Speaker 1: was third. Oh nice, you went no. Yeah. I think
2:35
Speaker 1: I've had a few incidents. I know I had one
2:37
Speaker 1: friend who was so bossy that I finally I remember
2:43
Speaker 1: being on a swing set. I just looked at her
2:44
Speaker 1: and yelled at her, stopped telling me what to do,
2:47
Speaker 1: and walked off, and we were never friends after that.
2:50
Speaker 1: It was weird because it was more of like she
2:52
Speaker 1: was trying to get me to talk to a boy,
2:54
Speaker 1: and I didn't like that. Yeah, and that was kind
2:57
Speaker 1: of the end of the friendship because I was like,
2:59
Speaker 1: I don't want to talk to even though I'm pretty
3:01
Speaker 1: sure I would say annoying one as the kid. But
3:04
Speaker 1: that's the one I can remember more so than anything else.
3:06
Speaker 1: And a lot of my friendships didn't end because anything bad,
3:11
Speaker 1: but a lot of them ended because they moved away
3:13
Speaker 1: or circumstances happened where we changed an interest, But it
3:16
Speaker 1: was never like we can't be friends I think of.
3:22
Speaker 1: I did have my other next door neighbor, Jordan's. She
3:26
Speaker 1: was a bit younger than me, and I kind of
3:30
Speaker 1: resented her after a while because it was this situation
3:32
Speaker 1: where we always car pulled together. We did our mom's
3:35
Speaker 1: were friends, so it was just like convenience, and she
3:38
Speaker 1: spent so much time at my house and we babysit
3:42
Speaker 1: her family, and I really didn't like her brothers. I
3:44
Speaker 1: felt like they were mean to my brother and they
3:46
Speaker 1: took advantage of all of our stuff, Like we would
3:49
Speaker 1: be not at home and we would come home and
3:51
Speaker 1: they were like using all of our stuff, and it
3:54
Speaker 1: it bothered me, but I was I think looking back,
3:57
Speaker 1: I was kind of controlling, but she was also kind
3:59
Speaker 1: of me, and I overheard her talking about me on
4:02
Speaker 1: several occasions, and eventually I was like, I don't think
4:07
Speaker 1: her friends anymore. You know, I had that too. I
4:11
Speaker 1: had a friend that I was friends with her for
4:12
Speaker 1: three or four years, but it was definitely one of
4:15
Speaker 1: those friendships that I was her psychic, if you know
4:19
Speaker 1: what I like. She would do all these things so
4:21
Speaker 1: I would have to hang out with her to so
4:22
Speaker 1: she could hang out with this boy. I would have
4:24
Speaker 1: to do this with her that she would love that
4:25
Speaker 1: I didn't want to do, but I'm like, okay, I'm here.
4:28
Speaker 1: And I remember her trying to get validation and wanting
4:31
Speaker 1: to flirt with boys, and that was fine. That was
4:34
Speaker 1: just not something I want to do. And I was
4:35
Speaker 1: very scared of boys at this point in time, and
4:39
Speaker 1: I remember her making fun of me for that and
4:40
Speaker 1: I was like, look, just because you like being with
4:42
Speaker 1: all the guys doesn't mean I want to. She took
4:44
Speaker 1: that as me calling her a slut and told her
4:47
Speaker 1: friends that I was called I called her a slut,
4:50
Speaker 1: and so like they completely heard that, and then I
4:53
Speaker 1: was judgmental and I could hear them talking about me.
4:56
Speaker 1: They would gang up on me on the bus. I
4:58
Speaker 1: said by myself. Oh yeah, I was one of those stories.
5:03
Speaker 1: We kept kind of in touch for the most part,
5:05
Speaker 1: but we definitely because we were also different grades and
5:08
Speaker 1: all of that, so that changed. She got a car,
5:10
Speaker 1: I didn't get a car. I had to work. She
5:12
Speaker 1: didn't have to work, so I was all nice for her.
5:14
Speaker 1: But yeah, it was really weird friendship. I remember we're
5:17
Speaker 1: trying to figure out how like a man. I was like,
5:19
Speaker 1: this is a bad, uh teenage movie, right, But yes,
5:26
Speaker 1: we've discussed. I'm sure everybody's wondering why we're talking about this,
5:29
Speaker 1: and we've discussed before the power of female friendship and
5:33
Speaker 1: the power of platonic female connection, and honestly, it's something
5:38
Speaker 1: that's been a comfort and a lot of big, big
5:41
Speaker 1: help in this last year. Friendship is, by the way
5:44
Speaker 1: to fined by Miriam Webster as the state of being friends,
5:48
Speaker 1: or the quality or state of being friendly. Just feel
5:52
Speaker 1: like that's not strong enough of a definition to me,
5:54
Speaker 1: because I'm like friendship was so powerful. Maybe that's right.
5:58
Speaker 1: It's almost like the acquaintance. Yeah, I feel like there's
6:00
Speaker 1: a bunch of levels of friends. You know, you've got
6:03
Speaker 1: your your inner circle friends, and then you've got kind
6:05
Speaker 1: of your acquaintance friends, and I don't know, yeah you do.
6:09
Speaker 1: That's like the best friend title, Who's the best friend?
6:12
Speaker 1: Who's your crew? Definitely a lot of titles to that.
6:15
Speaker 1: And if you've been a listener of the show, I
6:17
Speaker 1: think you probably already know. We are all about women
6:20
Speaker 1: supporting women, and about how important it is to maintain
6:23
Speaker 1: friendships with other women. As in fact, I've always been
6:27
Speaker 1: one of those who go by the Leslie Nope motto
6:30
Speaker 1: of uterus is before uterus is, and I mean that
6:34
Speaker 1: for anyone with a uterus. And of course, one of
6:37
Speaker 1: my I think one of my better qualities I don't know,
6:39
Speaker 1: is that I am ridiculously loyal and I'm definitely one
6:44
Speaker 1: of those that you just can't mess with my people.
6:46
Speaker 1: If you do, I'm coming to get you real hard.
6:50
Speaker 1: I don't agree. I think you're very loyal. I thank
6:53
Speaker 1: you're a wonderful friend. Thank you. Yeah. I one of
6:57
Speaker 1: the most fortunate areas I think in my life is
7:01
Speaker 1: that I had really good and strong friendships with other
7:06
Speaker 1: girls and women pretty much my entire life. And some
7:10
Speaker 1: of those you know, did fade away or turned out
7:12
Speaker 1: to not work out for whatever reason. But I had
7:15
Speaker 1: a core group of friends from high school and I'm
7:17
Speaker 1: still really good friends with him, we still see each other.
7:19
Speaker 1: And then I have people from college, and then i
7:21
Speaker 1: have people from work and like outside circles, and I
7:26
Speaker 1: just think it's so whenever I'm thinking of difficult situations
7:32
Speaker 1: and how do you get through it or what you
7:33
Speaker 1: enjoy in life, it's almost always like, oh, I have
7:35
Speaker 1: the support of my friends. I have the support of
7:37
Speaker 1: this group of friends. They're there for me, and did
7:40
Speaker 1: they bring so much joy and all so much support
7:43
Speaker 1: as well. And I know people in my life who
7:48
Speaker 1: I'm close to who don't have that, who don't have
7:51
Speaker 1: a strong support group of friends, And I've just seen
7:58
Speaker 1: how lucky I am to have it, like how difficult
8:00
Speaker 1: it can be without it. So I am very much
8:03
Speaker 1: with you, Samantha. I'm a huge proponent of friendships and
8:08
Speaker 1: especially among women. And though we could continue to yes
8:12
Speaker 1: sing the praises of female friendship. We aren't talking about
8:15
Speaker 1: that necessarily today. No, today we wanted to take a
8:18
Speaker 1: look at the end of friendships and specifically what happens
8:21
Speaker 1: when women stop being friends with other women. And we
8:25
Speaker 1: need to go ahead and let you know that many
8:27
Speaker 1: of the articles about that are heavily weighed down with
8:29
Speaker 1: a lot of misogynistic language, a lot of stereotypical ideas
8:33
Speaker 1: of female friends, I eat caddy, backstabbing, drama queen, and
8:38
Speaker 1: characteristics like that. So though we may mention it, please
8:42
Speaker 1: take that with a grain of salt. Right. So, there
8:46
Speaker 1: are several reasons why a friendship will and we talked
8:49
Speaker 1: a little bit about it before in our own personal experiences,
8:52
Speaker 1: and I'm sure we have all dealt with it for
8:54
Speaker 1: some reason, but we wanted to look at why and
8:57
Speaker 1: even when maybe we should go ahead and just let
8:59
Speaker 1: it end. Yes, um, And one of those things. I've
9:02
Speaker 1: never heard of this before, but when I heard the term,
9:04
Speaker 1: I was immediately like, oh, yeah, I know what this is, um,
9:07
Speaker 1: and that's friendship fade. Yes. So there have been different
9:11
Speaker 1: reasons in ways to end a friendship, and one of
9:13
Speaker 1: them is this one, which has been more of a
9:16
Speaker 1: thing since the pandemic and lockdowns. I've definitely heard people
9:19
Speaker 1: talk about it, like, you know who your real friends
9:21
Speaker 1: are are, like just sticking friends. I feel like for me, though,
9:25
Speaker 1: my experience has been there something that I have faded,
9:27
Speaker 1: but I'm confident they're going to come back. Like we're
9:30
Speaker 1: just not hanging out that much right now, and there's
9:33
Speaker 1: a lot of stress, but I feel like if that eases,
9:36
Speaker 1: we will hang out right. And then just because it
9:39
Speaker 1: happens doesn't mean it happens because it's something bad or
9:42
Speaker 1: because you make like you're being mean about it. It's
9:44
Speaker 1: not always intended as negative. I don't like you thing
9:48
Speaker 1: right exactly, But Okay, what exactly is friendship fade? According
9:52
Speaker 1: to a Woman's Health article, friendship fade is the quote
9:55
Speaker 1: feeling that you're formally tight connections are disappearing down a
9:58
Speaker 1: pit of silence. Just not gloomy at all. Silence sounds
10:03
Speaker 1: like a Dungeons dragon spell. There you go. Um, But
10:13
Speaker 1: this is a bit different from the friendly fade, which
10:16
Speaker 1: the Urban Dictionary defines as quote a passive aggressive method
10:20
Speaker 1: to break up with a friend without being hurtful or
10:23
Speaker 1: ghosting a friendship. And we will come back to that, right. So,
10:27
Speaker 1: not surprisingly, the pandemic has opened up the possibility of
10:32
Speaker 1: this happening, and there could be so many reasons outside
10:35
Speaker 1: of just being overwhelmed and panicked about the state of
10:37
Speaker 1: the world, and for me specifically, one of the reasons
10:40
Speaker 1: of the fade is due to the fact like there's
10:43
Speaker 1: nothing new, really meaningful that's happening right now. So I
10:47
Speaker 1: feel like when people ask me, how are you, I
10:49
Speaker 1: really have nothing to say other than yeah, you know, yeah.
10:54
Speaker 1: My daily routine has come to the point that has
10:56
Speaker 1: become monotonous. Wake up, take out the dog, eat, watch
11:01
Speaker 1: the same shows over and over again, and go to
11:03
Speaker 1: bed again. When when someone asked what I've been doing,
11:07
Speaker 1: is there anything new going on with you? Literally, I'm
11:09
Speaker 1: like no. My mom is the same, which is funny
11:16
Speaker 1: because as the child, I feel like I'm the one
11:18
Speaker 1: always kind of I don't do this anymore. But when
11:20
Speaker 1: I was younger, I would dodge phone calls and stuff,
11:23
Speaker 1: and now I get the feelings she's dodging by. And
11:26
Speaker 1: she told me she's like, well, you know, I'm just
11:28
Speaker 1: not doing much. I don't have much to talk about, right,
11:32
Speaker 1: makes sense, Nor do I And that's definitely something I've noticed,
11:37
Speaker 1: especially in conversations with her, because it used to be
11:39
Speaker 1: kind of I would come in and I'd be like,
11:42
Speaker 1: here's the fifteen thousand new things that have happened, and
11:45
Speaker 1: now it's sort of like, oh, my shoeshido plant has
11:48
Speaker 1: red shoshidos on it. Now she is exciting by the way,
11:57
Speaker 1: and especially in regards to lockdowns and rules, people have
11:59
Speaker 1: been divided on how to the letter, people maybe following
12:02
Speaker 1: those rules and for some that changed their way. You
12:05
Speaker 1: viewed that friendship, Um, yes, I mean it really has.
12:10
Speaker 1: I think we even had so we just finally are
12:12
Speaker 1: getting to the point we're going out. We hung out
12:15
Speaker 1: with your co host from Saber, Lauren, and she was
12:17
Speaker 1: talking about, you know, what she did during the pandemic,
12:20
Speaker 1: and she made a statement, of course, I think you
12:21
Speaker 1: and uh Annie had a little more stricter lockdown follows
12:26
Speaker 1: and rules and we were like, yeah, and apparently people
12:28
Speaker 1: have been going out and I'm like, oh wow, I
12:31
Speaker 1: didn't know that. And definitely when making plans it was me,
12:35
Speaker 1: you my partner, that was it. And if I wanted
12:38
Speaker 1: to make plays with someone, we made sure that we
12:40
Speaker 1: had a two week quarantine check up if we needed
12:43
Speaker 1: to make sure that the other person had tested and
12:45
Speaker 1: let each other know what's going on, and then we
12:47
Speaker 1: wouldn't hang out. Apparently not everyone's doing that, and I
12:50
Speaker 1: think we had. Did we have a conversation, Yeah, we
12:52
Speaker 1: had a conversation about the fact that we want to
12:55
Speaker 1: invite certain people, but we were thinking, I don't know
12:58
Speaker 1: if they're actually following the quarantine. Yeah, it's been really
13:02
Speaker 1: tough for me and I imagine for a lot of
13:04
Speaker 1: people because it's not a shocking thing to hear, Like
13:08
Speaker 1: I'm not I knew people were doing that, but so
13:10
Speaker 1: I do get hurt by it, and I get a
13:12
Speaker 1: little mad about it. And honestly, after we learned that, um,
13:16
Speaker 1: we're hanging out that time, I went at home and
13:18
Speaker 1: got really upset, and it's I had to think about
13:22
Speaker 1: why it was upsetting me so much, and and there's
13:24
Speaker 1: obviously something else going on there, but it is it's
13:27
Speaker 1: an issue, and it's an issue where it's hard not
13:31
Speaker 1: to have some sort of emotion one way or the
13:35
Speaker 1: other where there's there's particularly in my case, I'm thinking
13:38
Speaker 1: of one guy who I know when I meet when
13:42
Speaker 1: we hang out, it's going to become a point where
13:45
Speaker 1: he's going to be like, I don't get why you
13:47
Speaker 1: were taking it so seriously, and it's going to be
13:50
Speaker 1: hard for me not to fight with this guy. Yeah yeah,
13:54
Speaker 1: I mean I could see that. I mean definitely for me,
13:56
Speaker 1: a part of that whole, like people getting together, was
14:00
Speaker 1: I felt left out. And this is a fear of mine,
14:03
Speaker 1: of being doubt and unwanted. And even though it absolutely
14:07
Speaker 1: was my rule and my choice, but hearing about the
14:10
Speaker 1: after fact, because they knew where I stood and so
14:14
Speaker 1: therefore of course I'm not gonna invite you wouldn't have come.
14:16
Speaker 1: Very true, very true. Yes, I'm still hard by it.
14:19
Speaker 1: I'm still hard by it. No. Isn't that the kicker though,
14:23
Speaker 1: where it's like you know that you would have said no,
14:27
Speaker 1: but you want to be asked anywhere exactly. I've said
14:30
Speaker 1: that to a group of friends previously. I was like,
14:32
Speaker 1: I know I'm not coming, and i know I'm having
14:34
Speaker 1: a hard time responding to things, but please don't leave
14:36
Speaker 1: me out. Yeah. No, I'm absolutely the same. I think
14:40
Speaker 1: I'm glad I didn't know about this because I would
14:42
Speaker 1: have been mad. Oh yeah, But in general, I do
14:48
Speaker 1: like sometimes I just say yes because I'm afraid they'll
14:52
Speaker 1: stop asking R go out right. But yeah, that's definitely
14:55
Speaker 1: been the new waters to navigate when it comes to
15:01
Speaker 1: friendships and ideas around quarantining and this whole pandemic because
15:07
Speaker 1: it's also it goes back to almost that awkward the
15:11
Speaker 1: joke of the awkward conversations you have with people now
15:13
Speaker 1: where it's like, oh, what vaccine did you get? Oh? Right, right,
15:18
Speaker 1: So it's kind of inevitably going to come up probably,
15:22
Speaker 1: so it's just hard to avoid and it is people
15:26
Speaker 1: have emotions and thoughts about it. They did, mm hmm.
15:30
Speaker 1: And then there's also for women who have children and families,
15:34
Speaker 1: perhaps just finding the time or energy to keep up
15:36
Speaker 1: a friendship was too much. Can totally see that, right,
15:41
Speaker 1: sounds exhausting, oh for sure, for sure, And many have
15:46
Speaker 1: suffered loss or trash d and that type of experience
15:48
Speaker 1: can completely flip a person's desire to socialize or even
15:52
Speaker 1: feel like they can reach out to someone. And yeah,
15:55
Speaker 1: that's that's another thing that I struggle with in friendships,
15:58
Speaker 1: is being if I feel like I have something sad
16:02
Speaker 1: or I gues's just not even fun to talk about.
16:07
Speaker 1: I don't feel like I can talk about it because
16:10
Speaker 1: I feel like they're going to be like, oh, this
16:11
Speaker 1: is awkwerated. I don't want to be here right now.
16:13
Speaker 1: I don't be talking about this. But that's what friendship
16:17
Speaker 1: is is you're being open with people and all of that,
16:21
Speaker 1: but especially when you think someone else is struggling to
16:24
Speaker 1: you don't want to add to their struggles. And this
16:26
Speaker 1: has been a time of struggling and which we're gonna
16:29
Speaker 1: talk about in the bit. But yeah, I feel the
16:31
Speaker 1: same way. Especially when I had my previous jobs. There
16:34
Speaker 1: were debbut downer jobs to say the least. I came
16:36
Speaker 1: in as the debbut downer of the group because if
16:39
Speaker 1: they asked me how my day went, Oh, you don't
16:42
Speaker 1: want to ask me how my day went. You know,
16:44
Speaker 1: the tragedies and the sadness that happened in my field,
16:48
Speaker 1: the many losses that I had over the winds, and
16:51
Speaker 1: even my winds were sad. I remember I was trying
16:53
Speaker 1: to explain to friends about something that was good, but
16:57
Speaker 1: in what that sounded like. But it's still a child
17:00
Speaker 1: all that didn't have a parent and was going through loss.
17:03
Speaker 1: How is this good type of situation? And being told
17:07
Speaker 1: stop talking, that's not that's so like it. I actually
17:11
Speaker 1: was shut down and saying, really, you're gonna talk about
17:13
Speaker 1: this now? And I'm like, some winters asked me how
17:16
Speaker 1: my day with? And this is how my day with
17:18
Speaker 1: and it was a victory for me, even though to
17:21
Speaker 1: you it sounds really sad because you don't want to
17:23
Speaker 1: talk about children and with loss. And I'm like, I'm sorry,
17:27
Speaker 1: but yeah, that's that taught me real quick. Oh, I
17:30
Speaker 1: can't talk to you, I can't be with you, I
17:32
Speaker 1: can't let you know what's going on because you don't
17:34
Speaker 1: want sad things. And unfortunately, with my job, that's the
17:39
Speaker 1: majority of my stories. Right, that was a very dramatical
17:45
Speaker 1: que out. I'm just saying, um, oh, we do you
17:49
Speaker 1: have some more we want to discuss, but first we
17:51
Speaker 1: have a quick break for word from ourspons there and
18:06
Speaker 1: we're back. Thank you. Sponsored What do you do if
18:10
Speaker 1: you have allowed the fade to occur? I'm very very
18:13
Speaker 1: guilty of this, but want to snap back. It's time,
18:16
Speaker 1: It's time we come back, right, maybe, I think again,
18:21
Speaker 1: we've all been there. We get busy, overwhelmed, or just
18:24
Speaker 1: don't have the mental capacity to call someone or even text.
18:28
Speaker 1: But that's not because we don't want to. That's not
18:31
Speaker 1: because we're trying to stop a friendship or fade a friendship.
18:34
Speaker 1: It just happens. Life happens, So what can we do
18:37
Speaker 1: to change that? Well, first and foremost, be gentle with
18:41
Speaker 1: yourself and with your friends. It might have been a
18:43
Speaker 1: few days or weeks ever since you've heard from your people,
18:47
Speaker 1: But just like us, they're going through the hardships of
18:50
Speaker 1: the currency of the world. But what if they're going
18:52
Speaker 1: through other things as well? That's right, And I don't
18:56
Speaker 1: know how many times I've been depressed or completely exhausted.
18:59
Speaker 1: I'm thinking, why aren't people check it up on me?
19:02
Speaker 1: Why can't they read my mind? And I know I
19:03
Speaker 1: need them to check it up on me. But then
19:05
Speaker 1: to realize maybe they're feeling the exact same thing, or
19:09
Speaker 1: maybe they're going through something even harder, like those moments
19:12
Speaker 1: of feeling like you're being neglected, you're also even neglecting others.
19:16
Speaker 1: You never know what's happening, and just a simple hello,
19:19
Speaker 1: And usually for me that's a gift of like, hey,
19:21
Speaker 1: you know, I think my favorite one is the there's
19:24
Speaker 1: a seal that runs up and does the wave. Okay, hello,
19:28
Speaker 1: I love it, And that can change things that could
19:30
Speaker 1: just be a simple I'm here, I'm checking up without
19:33
Speaker 1: having to be too invasive, and it doesn't take that
19:36
Speaker 1: much time because again, we never know too maybe in
19:40
Speaker 1: the same place, and that miscommunication of who's going to
19:43
Speaker 1: be the one that reaches out causes a kind of friction. Yeah. Yeah,
19:49
Speaker 1: I had a friend who we actually sat down and
19:53
Speaker 1: talked about this because she was fundamentally misunderstanding and I
19:59
Speaker 1: was fun to mentally misunderstanding where both of us were
20:02
Speaker 1: coming from because I I I was struggling with insecurity
20:06
Speaker 1: and I still do where I don't want to be
20:07
Speaker 1: annoying or bother people. So sometimes that means I won't
20:12
Speaker 1: reach out because I don't want to bother people. But
20:14
Speaker 1: to her that was reading as she's not reaching out, right, Um,
20:20
Speaker 1: so there's that, and then I do. I very vividly
20:23
Speaker 1: remember in college having the realization of even people who
20:26
Speaker 1: look like they're so put together in quotes and everything's fine, Yeah,
20:31
Speaker 1: you don't know what they're dealing with. You really don't
20:34
Speaker 1: unless you check or ask, right. I used to have
20:39
Speaker 1: I don't necessarily think this was a super healthy thing either,
20:42
Speaker 1: but I used to have what I called the list
20:43
Speaker 1: of don't neglect, and I would have people it was
20:46
Speaker 1: just this list. I'm like checking on these people, and
20:49
Speaker 1: I would go through the list, you know, every couple
20:51
Speaker 1: of days, just to make sure keep in mind on
20:55
Speaker 1: that list. Well, I don't do it anymore. This was
20:57
Speaker 1: in This was like when I first graduated a college,
21:01
Speaker 1: and I mean it was such a like anything to
21:04
Speaker 1: do where I took something that should be fun and
21:07
Speaker 1: it became much more of like a to do list,
21:09
Speaker 1: and so I stopped doing it. But smart, Yeah, but yeah,
21:15
Speaker 1: I didn't have those people in mind. And it doesn't
21:17
Speaker 1: have to be big, like you said, it can just
21:19
Speaker 1: be you know, I saw this thought of you. And
21:22
Speaker 1: if they don't respond, that's cool. They are respond when
21:29
Speaker 1: they can, hopefully. And yes, a simple a simple hello.
21:34
Speaker 1: It can work, whether it's through a text, a phone call,
21:37
Speaker 1: Marco Polo, whatever way you know, whatever way you typically
21:40
Speaker 1: communicate with your friend, or sometimes it's fun to mix
21:42
Speaker 1: it up. Just a simple connection can really do wonders.
21:47
Speaker 1: And yeah, I remember your friendship as the ability to
21:49
Speaker 1: just be yourself with someone right. One thing my friends
21:53
Speaker 1: and I would always laugh about because I don't know,
21:55
Speaker 1: there's an inside joke about just the fact that I'm
21:57
Speaker 1: always sleepy. I'm always sleepy, I just am and you
22:00
Speaker 1: know this, that we could just be around each other
22:03
Speaker 1: and take a nap, and that's true friendship. Like we
22:06
Speaker 1: would say, two friends nap together, and I thought it
22:08
Speaker 1: was hilarious. But the overall ability is that we can
22:11
Speaker 1: just be there without having to entertain one another, and
22:15
Speaker 1: that was okay, that's fine. We can do our own thing,
22:17
Speaker 1: but just be in each other's space. That's nice. Yeah.
22:21
Speaker 1: I had my other friend Katie. We had a standing
22:23
Speaker 1: naptime on Friday's at three pm. We would take naps together.
22:28
Speaker 1: And look, when you get to the point where you're
22:31
Speaker 1: super busy but you're trying to neglect your friendship, you
22:34
Speaker 1: come together and you realize, oh my gosh, I'm so tired,
22:38
Speaker 1: and the other persons like, yeah, me too. I'm like,
22:39
Speaker 1: you know, let's just close their eyes fifteen minute breaks.
22:43
Speaker 1: But there's something delightful to that. It is because you're
22:47
Speaker 1: you're trusting someone, like you're kind of like vulnerable, sleepy,
22:51
Speaker 1: not real interesting self at the moment. Yeah, and I
22:56
Speaker 1: love and you're you're one of these friend about it.
23:00
Speaker 1: But I love when you have a friendship where you
23:02
Speaker 1: can kind of do your own thing. Like somebody will
23:05
Speaker 1: be working on like one friend that she sketches a
23:09
Speaker 1: lot when we hang out while I'm like working on
23:12
Speaker 1: Dungeons and Dragons or fan fiction, and we're together and
23:16
Speaker 1: we'll occasionally talk to each other. It can be really
23:18
Speaker 1: short and easy going, but it's not like we're doing
23:21
Speaker 1: something very exciting. It's kind of separate but together. But
23:24
Speaker 1: there is, yeah, that camaraderie there there is. I think
23:27
Speaker 1: there's something nice to that. And then also you can
23:30
Speaker 1: be thoughtful and romantic with your friends and and you're
23:33
Speaker 1: really great at this. And when I say that, giving
23:36
Speaker 1: small gifts or large ones sometimes for no reason, just
23:39
Speaker 1: to say I'm thinking about you. I saw this and
23:41
Speaker 1: thought about you. It's really really nice. Yeah, and thank
23:45
Speaker 1: you for saying that you are too. Um I I do.
23:50
Speaker 1: It sounds really cheesy, but I get these moments of
23:53
Speaker 1: just like such pure warm love for friends, or like
23:57
Speaker 1: I gotta do something for this person right just gets
24:00
Speaker 1: in my head and I'll do I'll send like a
24:03
Speaker 1: silly video or yo, get a gift, but I just
24:06
Speaker 1: get like overwhelmed with love for someone and I want
24:09
Speaker 1: to do something and there have been so many different
24:13
Speaker 1: occasions when someone has just needed to talk or feel loved,
24:16
Speaker 1: and giving small tokens or small gifts is such an
24:19
Speaker 1: amazing thing to do to show that thoughtfulness goes a
24:23
Speaker 1: long way. And I mean, it's wonderful to get gifts
24:25
Speaker 1: when you're expecting them, but it's also lovely to get
24:28
Speaker 1: something when you're not. It doesn't have to be even
24:30
Speaker 1: a gift, like like I said, I used to do.
24:32
Speaker 1: I used to do a lot of funny videos or something. Right, Yes,
24:36
Speaker 1: you definitely did one for me. I did. And you
24:38
Speaker 1: know what, because of what we are using the word romantic,
24:41
Speaker 1: this is also one of those that are usually typically
24:43
Speaker 1: done by women. You don't see many male friends giving
24:46
Speaker 1: each other things. I know that was a whole Stick
24:48
Speaker 1: and New Girl in which Schmidt gives his friend Nick
24:52
Speaker 1: a cookie and he just Nick is very suspicious. He's like,
24:55
Speaker 1: why why are you giving me this cookie? Why? It
24:59
Speaker 1: was a whole episode based on the fact that their thoughtfulness,
25:02
Speaker 1: and he's like, men don't give each other kiss men
25:04
Speaker 1: don't do these things. And it's it's typically correct that
25:08
Speaker 1: I've only seen men give their romantic partners a gift.
25:11
Speaker 1: But to give to each other. Seems so unusual. That
25:16
Speaker 1: makes me said that they're missing out. Yeah, it can
25:19
Speaker 1: be such a lovely, lovely thing. Yeah it is. But
25:24
Speaker 1: maybe you're good without that particular friendship anymore. Yeah, and
25:30
Speaker 1: that's okay, that's okay too. Maybe that friendship wasn't what
25:33
Speaker 1: you really needed, or maybe it's no longer what you need,
25:35
Speaker 1: or some of those differences that we talked about are
25:37
Speaker 1: too big and it causes conflict and um it, maybe
25:41
Speaker 1: it's not a balanced friendship to begin with. So let's
25:44
Speaker 1: talk about that. Yes, okay, So when is a friendship unhealthy?
25:51
Speaker 1: We wanted it to look into win a friendship is
25:54
Speaker 1: not an actual friendship, So yes, let's start with toxic friendships.
25:59
Speaker 1: Toxic and ship is something that causes a negative impact
26:02
Speaker 1: on your life. They never give support or compassion in
26:05
Speaker 1: your life. They are typically draining, unrewarding, stifling, unsatisfying, and
26:11
Speaker 1: unequal and again from Urban Dictionary, these so called friends
26:15
Speaker 1: often backstab, gossip, lie, act selfish, used a little, and
26:19
Speaker 1: even manipulate, and are taking up more than giving back
26:22
Speaker 1: to the friendship. Sadness and resentment is felt towards the
26:25
Speaker 1: toxic friends and breaking away from these toxic friends is
26:28
Speaker 1: a must, and you probably all heard terms like emotional
26:31
Speaker 1: vampire or energy vampire as well, which doesn't necessarily have
26:35
Speaker 1: to be a friend, but often goes into this whole thing. Right, So,
26:41
Speaker 1: we did want to talk about some of the warning signs,
26:42
Speaker 1: and there are a lot more out there. There are
26:45
Speaker 1: a lot more articles that you can look at that
26:46
Speaker 1: give you specific maybe actions that are taking place, But
26:50
Speaker 1: we just do a few of those warning signs, and
26:53
Speaker 1: one of them is that they always put you down.
26:57
Speaker 1: So of course we're not necessarily talking about every once
26:59
Speaker 1: in a while just a only jab where you tease
27:01
Speaker 1: each other and move on, which I think I've done
27:02
Speaker 1: to you. Yes, But if it's something that's not only
27:07
Speaker 1: causes you to feel bad about yourself, or something that
27:09
Speaker 1: causes your embarrassment, maybe you should rethink this friendship and
27:14
Speaker 1: what it's about. An example that I think of on
27:17
Speaker 1: the top of my head is the Main Girls movie
27:19
Speaker 1: where poor Gretchen just constantly gets yelled at by Regina
27:23
Speaker 1: and put down constantly about being told that her ideas
27:26
Speaker 1: are dumb and everything she's doing is not as good
27:28
Speaker 1: as her. That would be one of those put down,
27:31
Speaker 1: not good friendships right. Another sign is crossing boundaries. Do
27:36
Speaker 1: they make you uncomfortable? Do they keep pushing you to
27:39
Speaker 1: do things you don't want to do, or they don't
27:42
Speaker 1: listen when you let them know you don't like something
27:44
Speaker 1: or don't want to be a part of something. That
27:48
Speaker 1: is a sign. Another one is takers. Those friends who
27:51
Speaker 1: use you for what you have, constantly coming to complain
27:55
Speaker 1: and need advice, but they were chicken on you are
27:58
Speaker 1: see how you are doing right, And then there's a
28:01
Speaker 1: non supporter. We all have dreams, of course and goals
28:04
Speaker 1: and we definitely need help sometimes, whether it's someone who
28:07
Speaker 1: would call just to see how you're doing that day
28:09
Speaker 1: or how are you doing with things, or those who
28:11
Speaker 1: just show up for you for moral support. But if
28:13
Speaker 1: someone is not doing this but you're constantly doing that
28:15
Speaker 1: for them, that's not the one you want to be around.
28:17
Speaker 1: That's not someone who is a good friend, someone who
28:20
Speaker 1: if you're trying to do something new me I was
28:23
Speaker 1: trying to knit, you're very supportive and I really appreciated
28:26
Speaker 1: that as where those non supportive would probably go ahead
28:29
Speaker 1: and talk down on you and ask you why you're
28:30
Speaker 1: doing it and you're going to fail those are the
28:32
Speaker 1: people you don't want to be around. Yes, Yes, And
28:37
Speaker 1: when you get older and you look back on how
28:39
Speaker 1: behaviors you had when you were younger, there were some
28:42
Speaker 1: like I've really been working on, where I would get
28:47
Speaker 1: jealous of friends. I would get jealous if I thought
28:50
Speaker 1: like they were, you know, having a better life or whatever,
28:53
Speaker 1: being cooler. And it was really hard for me to
28:56
Speaker 1: not like say something kind of snarky about it or
28:59
Speaker 1: something and kind of a put down. And that's been
29:01
Speaker 1: something I've recognized and I've like actively tried to work
29:04
Speaker 1: on as I've gotten older. And that's something to keep
29:07
Speaker 1: in mind too, is to look for those things in yourself,
29:10
Speaker 1: and especially if you have a friend who says something
29:12
Speaker 1: about it, you should you should examine that thing. And
29:17
Speaker 1: I have a an instance of two friends in my
29:20
Speaker 1: life were both my best friends, and they had a
29:23
Speaker 1: huge fight in college and they have not made up.
29:26
Speaker 1: One of them wants to, another one doesn't. But it's
29:29
Speaker 1: also complicated because they're both my friends, and I've heard
29:32
Speaker 1: both of their sides of it, and I get both
29:33
Speaker 1: of their sides of it, and you know, you can't
29:38
Speaker 1: force some point if they're not ready to be your
29:40
Speaker 1: friend again. Then that's that's that's it. Yeah, it sucks,
29:43
Speaker 1: but yeah, I would. I would just also keep in
29:46
Speaker 1: mind your own behaviors and friendships as well, exactly. There's
29:51
Speaker 1: also something called co rumination. Co rumination is defined as
29:55
Speaker 1: quote extensive and frequent discussion, speculation, and focus on negative
29:59
Speaker 1: feelings related to personal problems with close friends or friends. Um.
30:03
Speaker 1: That's from the National Institute of Health. It usually involves
30:06
Speaker 1: the constant discussion and rehashing of the same problems and
30:09
Speaker 1: often includes focusing on quote causes, implications, and negative feelings
30:14
Speaker 1: around that problem. So think of when you were going
30:18
Speaker 1: through your bad breakup and you went to your closest
30:20
Speaker 1: friends to talk about all the wise what went wrong
30:23
Speaker 1: and how things could have changed. So, yeah, this is
30:25
Speaker 1: actually this we need to watch this. I'm thinking about
30:28
Speaker 1: the Sex in the City episode where specifically Carrie cannot
30:32
Speaker 1: stop talking about Big at that point they've broken up
30:36
Speaker 1: for the second time, and she goes on and on
30:38
Speaker 1: and on and on to the point that her three
30:41
Speaker 1: friends intervene and say, Okay, this is a big, big
30:45
Speaker 1: intervention because you know he was called Big, because we
30:48
Speaker 1: cannot deal with this that we cannot keep talking about
30:51
Speaker 1: all the negatives. You're bringing everyone down, and not that
30:53
Speaker 1: we don't want to talk about it, but we've given
30:56
Speaker 1: you the week long allowance of doing so, and you
31:00
Speaker 1: keep repeating the same thing and it's becoming really negative
31:03
Speaker 1: for you as well as for us. And they were like,
31:06
Speaker 1: you need a therapist, and apparently they're like, you know,
31:09
Speaker 1: we have the same issues too, and we don't know
31:11
Speaker 1: what to do. This is why we have therapists, because
31:14
Speaker 1: we need someone else to give us an unbiased opinion
31:17
Speaker 1: instead of yeah, that dude's a dick, which that dude
31:21
Speaker 1: was a dick anyway, just quote over there. But yeah,
31:25
Speaker 1: so of course talking with our friends and really letting
31:28
Speaker 1: go when working through things isn't a bad thing, as
31:31
Speaker 1: in fact, one of the things that cherish most is
31:33
Speaker 1: being able to completely be honest about all my hurts
31:36
Speaker 1: and insecurities and having friends comfort me or shake me
31:39
Speaker 1: out of it, like I really need that reality check.
31:42
Speaker 1: So co reminting can be a function of bonding for
31:45
Speaker 1: many friends and can in the long run busess it
31:48
Speaker 1: in a higher relationship satisfaction. And this is according to
31:51
Speaker 1: a study completed by the Oklahoma State University. Not only
31:55
Speaker 1: that but the quality of the relationship and social support
31:57
Speaker 1: are also higher for those who co remon so not
32:00
Speaker 1: all bad thing, and apparently this is only typically seen
32:04
Speaker 1: in friendships with women. So men don't co ruminate, according
32:08
Speaker 1: to the statistic, with their male friends. It's not something
32:11
Speaker 1: that they do. They don't sit and empathize with each other,
32:14
Speaker 1: which we've kind of talked about a little before, but
32:16
Speaker 1: they specifically said this is not a thing that happens
32:20
Speaker 1: with men. Wow. Yeah, Yeah. However, there is some bad.
32:25
Speaker 1: It's not all good because co ruminating is essentially sharing
32:28
Speaker 1: and feeling each other's stress and anxiety, and it can
32:30
Speaker 1: become a negative cycle and once you feed off each
32:33
Speaker 1: other's stressors, causing a higher stress synchronicity that can also
32:37
Speaker 1: trigger other mental health issues like depression. Psychologist Amanda Rose
32:42
Speaker 1: found when women co ruminate, they were quote more susceptible
32:45
Speaker 1: to emotional disorders. And with that, if your friendship is
32:48
Speaker 1: based on shared pain or bad experiences, there's a danger
32:51
Speaker 1: that you quote might start manufacturing that pain to keep
32:54
Speaker 1: the relationship going, and doing so can lead to a
32:58
Speaker 1: quote elevated risk of DEPRESSI and anxiety. If these friendships
33:02
Speaker 1: are dependent on only the bad and painful things in
33:05
Speaker 1: the relationship, perhaps it's time to reflect on if that
33:09
Speaker 1: relationship is healthy. And there are examples, uh specifically through
33:13
Speaker 1: people who were talking about they actually really thrived on
33:16
Speaker 1: when their friends were going through bad things and we're
33:18
Speaker 1: excited by that and was wanting to be the go
33:21
Speaker 1: person And you know, the co ruminating part is a
33:24
Speaker 1: little too real for me. I feel I feel like
33:26
Speaker 1: attacked reading this. I'm not gonna lie because I want
33:29
Speaker 1: to be a go to person for people. That's kind
33:31
Speaker 1: of the thing. I think that's part of my whole
33:34
Speaker 1: caregiver mentality that I really want to be there for you,
33:38
Speaker 1: and so knowing that you trust me enough to come
33:41
Speaker 1: to me in these dark times, it feels so rewarding
33:45
Speaker 1: that it's like, yeah, it kind of does feed into
33:47
Speaker 1: I know I'm needed, and therefore I'm going to keep
33:50
Speaker 1: being needed by being this person. And maybe if you
33:53
Speaker 1: have these traumas then this is good for me, right,
33:56
Speaker 1: but it is it's really unhealthy when you take on
33:58
Speaker 1: too much. I remember there was one point where two
34:01
Speaker 1: of my closest friends were going through really really hard
34:04
Speaker 1: things and I was crying and upset about it. Later
34:06
Speaker 1: on to the point that I realized that I was
34:09
Speaker 1: in pain because they were in such pain that I
34:11
Speaker 1: felt like I couldn't be happy. Right, it was a
34:14
Speaker 1: weird day, and they weren't doing that on purpose. And
34:16
Speaker 1: please understand, these two friends are the best friends that
34:18
Speaker 1: I've had, and I could do the same with them,
34:20
Speaker 1: and I have done the same with them, but because
34:22
Speaker 1: of what was happening that it was so intense, because
34:25
Speaker 1: it just felt like everybody was falling apart, that I
34:28
Speaker 1: didn't have the right to be okay, yeah, and where
34:31
Speaker 1: is I Like, On the other hand, I'm someone who
34:34
Speaker 1: struggles with like everything has to be even, and so
34:38
Speaker 1: I've already and this is such a terrible thing, but
34:41
Speaker 1: I've already been like, here are the people who were
34:44
Speaker 1: really there for me when my dad died, so when
34:45
Speaker 1: their parents died really, which is awful, Like I want
34:52
Speaker 1: to be there for them, but it's it's just one
34:54
Speaker 1: of those things where it's like, already stressing me out
34:58
Speaker 1: that happened. Ye, You're like, I have who do I owe? Yep, yep.
35:02
Speaker 1: And again that's not what friendship is. That's not what
35:04
Speaker 1: it's about. Um. You should try to be as like
35:07
Speaker 1: equal as possible in giving and receiving. But it's not
35:11
Speaker 1: like a book, right, It's not like a debt sheet
35:14
Speaker 1: that you need to keep track of. I mean, you
35:16
Speaker 1: should keep in mind if one person is doing a
35:18
Speaker 1: lot more than the other, But in general it evens
35:21
Speaker 1: out right, right, even like true friendship, you do for
35:24
Speaker 1: each other without thinking about that because it's automatic. It's
35:27
Speaker 1: easy from both them so for sure. And you know,
35:29
Speaker 1: I never really knew the term co ruminating, so it's like, oh, oh,
35:35
Speaker 1: that's what that is. Ro So it's something to think on,
35:38
Speaker 1: for sure, But to go a little deeper than just
35:41
Speaker 1: co ruminating and toxic friendships, we did want to talk
35:44
Speaker 1: a little bit about abuse of friendships, and it's not
35:47
Speaker 1: talked about often, but it should be something that people
35:51
Speaker 1: are aware of and should watch out for. As in fact,
35:54
Speaker 1: a couple of articles we're talking about the fact that
35:56
Speaker 1: this is not addressed because it's not technically seeing as
35:59
Speaker 1: domestic violence, and so therefore people don't recognize it as
36:03
Speaker 1: quickly and realize how harmful it could be. But more
36:06
Speaker 1: often than not, abuse of friendships and toxic friendships get
36:09
Speaker 1: mixed up, so we just kind of use those words interchangeably.
36:13
Speaker 1: And there is a subtle difference within abuse of friendships.
36:16
Speaker 1: You do against see the similar signs of toxic friendship,
36:19
Speaker 1: but it continues on. As one article states, abuse of
36:22
Speaker 1: friendships often start on a positive note, but then the
36:25
Speaker 1: abuser may use repetition compulsion, which is when an abused
36:29
Speaker 1: person may unknowingly replay unresolved family dysfunctions in a new
36:34
Speaker 1: adult relationship, and that abuser uses that so they know
36:37
Speaker 1: what you've gone through and are able to use that
36:39
Speaker 1: tactic against you, much like an abuser. Essentially, the person
36:43
Speaker 1: who is mistreated or abused may have gone through a
36:46
Speaker 1: lot in their childhood and endured so much in the
36:48
Speaker 1: childhood that it becomes a norm and is familiar. So
36:51
Speaker 1: therefore they don't realize that that's what's being extended into
36:55
Speaker 1: these friendships. And oftentimes you see you don't realize that
36:59
Speaker 1: they attended that's falling on you and you feel like
37:02
Speaker 1: that's what you deserve or that's what friendship is. Yeah,
37:05
Speaker 1: there are definitely in some situations, never like this to
37:08
Speaker 1: this extent, but there have been situations where I looked
37:10
Speaker 1: back and I was like, Wow, that wasn't a good friendship,
37:12
Speaker 1: but at the time it seemed normal, and it's it
37:15
Speaker 1: felt like it just almost like the frog in the
37:18
Speaker 1: boiling pot, where you know, slowly got worse and worse,
37:21
Speaker 1: but you were thinking this as your friend, and it
37:23
Speaker 1: would be a failure to cut off the friendship, right,
37:25
Speaker 1: so we have to stay friends. Abusers will play on
37:29
Speaker 1: your insecurities, but only after they have quotes seduced you
37:32
Speaker 1: into a trusting relationship, and they are often excessively charming
37:36
Speaker 1: and attentive. Some other warning signs include harassment, dishonesty, and manipulations.
37:42
Speaker 1: They are also likely to be very argumentative and critical,
37:46
Speaker 1: and abusive friendships can cause so many mental health and
37:49
Speaker 1: physical issues, such as depression, anxiety, stomach problems, high blood pressure,
37:53
Speaker 1: and even PTSD. I think again, we did want to
37:57
Speaker 1: address this, and of course this is still vague. Might
38:00
Speaker 1: not be all about the physical abuse, which is what's
38:02
Speaker 1: so easily noted as this is abuse, but this emotional
38:07
Speaker 1: manipulative tactics that causes people to be triggered in so
38:11
Speaker 1: many ways by what their actions are because they know
38:15
Speaker 1: they can trigger you or guilt you, or manipulate you
38:18
Speaker 1: into feeling that you owe them something, that it becomes
38:21
Speaker 1: an abusive relationship right, and we we do have a
38:25
Speaker 1: little bit more for your listeners, but first we're gonna
38:29
Speaker 1: pause for one more work break for work from our
38:30
Speaker 1: sponsored and we're back, thank you sponsored. So not all
38:48
Speaker 1: friendships and because it's bad. So it's not all about
38:51
Speaker 1: toxic friendships and or abusive friendships. But you know, things happen,
38:57
Speaker 1: we grow, we change, and sometimes that means friendships change too.
39:02
Speaker 1: And there are people I think on fondly, but perhaps
39:05
Speaker 1: because of distance, we're not friends anymore. Maybe they started
39:08
Speaker 1: a family, and because I don't have a family, it's
39:11
Speaker 1: harder for us to relate, or it's harder to find time.
39:14
Speaker 1: Any of those things could be reasons while we are
39:17
Speaker 1: no longer friends. And yeah, just your interests and commonalities
39:21
Speaker 1: have shifted. And of course there's also possibility that that
39:25
Speaker 1: your difference in beliefs that changes friendships. Perhaps is politics.
39:29
Speaker 1: And for me, definitely my friends from my hometown, I
39:34
Speaker 1: don't talk to them as much. Some of us stopped
39:36
Speaker 1: talking altogether because of their reactions to Black Lives Matter,
39:40
Speaker 1: and that made me go, no, that that's a deal
39:42
Speaker 1: breaker for me. If you can't see how this is racist, sorry,
39:47
Speaker 1: that is it is what it is as well as
39:49
Speaker 1: the fact that I was super religious growing up. I'm
39:51
Speaker 1: no longer religious, and that changed a lot of friendships
39:54
Speaker 1: from me from college and high school, which again super
39:57
Speaker 1: religious to not and those people who are super religious
40:00
Speaker 1: still doesn't mesh too well in the end. Yeah. Yeah,
40:05
Speaker 1: And that is one of those things of growing friendships
40:10
Speaker 1: and changing friendships because I too came from a very
40:12
Speaker 1: small conservative town and sometimes because I was liberal back
40:17
Speaker 1: then and most people are conservative, and I'm getting fights.
40:20
Speaker 1: It's like my seventh grade with my friends about the
40:24
Speaker 1: rock Wars, but I didn't have like too many like
40:29
Speaker 1: minded friends to choose from. But some of my friends
40:32
Speaker 1: who didn't think that way then I've changed, which when
40:36
Speaker 1: they got out of the small town and and things
40:38
Speaker 1: like that. So yeah, for sure, And that's something I've
40:42
Speaker 1: always struggled with where I'm just so determined. But we
40:45
Speaker 1: were such good friends. We have to stay good friends.
40:46
Speaker 1: But sometimes, yeah, it's just you change and they change
40:49
Speaker 1: and things. Life changes. Life changes. It does. That's not
40:55
Speaker 1: to say I do think you can make things work
40:57
Speaker 1: if there's like an equal amount of interest in time.
41:00
Speaker 1: But yeah, however, what if you want to break up
41:03
Speaker 1: of the friends how do you do that. You can
41:07
Speaker 1: limit time. Sometimes ending a friendship is not necessary. Maybe
41:11
Speaker 1: it's all about limiting the amount of time or even
41:13
Speaker 1: specific situations, maybe only in group settings or maybe one
41:17
Speaker 1: on one setting. Boundaries are always a beautiful thing. Yeah.
41:21
Speaker 1: Definitely had a friend of mine who I didn't get
41:25
Speaker 1: along with a person and the way they explained their friendship,
41:28
Speaker 1: not that they had to explain the friendship, but because
41:30
Speaker 1: I wasn't the only one who was like, I can't
41:33
Speaker 1: be around this person. They are too much of this,
41:35
Speaker 1: this and this, and I'm going to go off. I
41:37
Speaker 1: think I've said that I have I have a short tepper.
41:39
Speaker 1: But they were like, yeah, they're one of those friends
41:42
Speaker 1: that they're better one on one. They're really sweet and
41:46
Speaker 1: very attentive. They get around a group of people and
41:49
Speaker 1: they don't know how to pull back and just our
41:52
Speaker 1: vibrant personality. And I'm like, okay, okay, yeah you have
41:56
Speaker 1: that one on one setting. I'm good. Which is not nice,
42:00
Speaker 1: but whatever, but yeah. Also, we talked a little bit
42:03
Speaker 1: before about the fading the ghost thing. It's a slow
42:06
Speaker 1: walking away from a relationship. And I'd say this metaphorically obviously,
42:11
Speaker 1: and it maybe the best solution possible, especially when we're
42:13
Speaker 1: talking about abusive or toxic relationships where you feel like
42:16
Speaker 1: it's just being combative trying to have a conversation with it.
42:19
Speaker 1: So whether it's you know, less texting, a little more time,
42:25
Speaker 1: not seeing them as much as you used to, or altogether,
42:28
Speaker 1: you know, not answering the call immediately kind of situation,
42:31
Speaker 1: not confiding in them so much, that might be a
42:34
Speaker 1: solution for you if you really feel like that's the
42:36
Speaker 1: only solution. Then again, let's say it is a really
42:39
Speaker 1: deep and personal relationship, but there's something that has happened
42:43
Speaker 1: that you feel like this is not gonna work a
42:46
Speaker 1: face to face conversation. It could work. Just be honest
42:49
Speaker 1: and open and also be willing to admit yourself when
42:53
Speaker 1: you haven't been the best friend as well, and so
42:56
Speaker 1: that could be a solution. I will say I know
42:59
Speaker 1: many people as of late sending emails, and I've actually
43:03
Speaker 1: had an email they weren't necessarily trying to break the well,
43:07
Speaker 1: it did sound like a breakup letter. It did sound
43:09
Speaker 1: like a break up letter. Actually, it's happened to me twice.
43:12
Speaker 1: Oh my goshuld remember this. So it's happened to me twice, man,
43:15
Speaker 1: I must be a bad friend. The first time was
43:17
Speaker 1: because I was super religious and pompous and over the top,
43:20
Speaker 1: and when they corrected me, I was like, you're correct,
43:22
Speaker 1: I'm so sorry, and we were fine after that. That
43:25
Speaker 1: opened up a whole other conversation. Another one was because
43:29
Speaker 1: they decided that because they were married now that they
43:34
Speaker 1: wanted to start a family and being around single friends
43:37
Speaker 1: wasn't good for them. Right, they broke up with me
43:42
Speaker 1: and know, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to laugh at
43:43
Speaker 1: your I'm a bad friend. I just I just remembered why,
43:49
Speaker 1: and remembering those, I'm like, wow. And of course, to
43:52
Speaker 1: be fair, it wasn't a bad thing to me, And
43:54
Speaker 1: I was like, yeah, okay, are Yeah. We were talking
44:01
Speaker 1: about those recently, So I guess I have a combo.
44:04
Speaker 1: I have a combo example, because I have an email
44:07
Speaker 1: fade out situation that just happened, which this person was
44:11
Speaker 1: one of my best friends. We've known each other since
44:13
Speaker 1: we were four years old. We've traveled together, um, we
44:17
Speaker 1: went to college together, we were roommates for a while,
44:21
Speaker 1: and she moved out of the country. She there are
44:27
Speaker 1: also issues around uh she really didn't like other women,
44:30
Speaker 1: which didn't sit well with me because I was like,
44:32
Speaker 1: what about me? Though, I don't know how I feel
44:34
Speaker 1: about this, and then yeah, yeah, there there's some issues,
44:38
Speaker 1: but but I wanted to keep the friendship going, and
44:40
Speaker 1: so we had like an email thing that slowly dropped
44:43
Speaker 1: pretty much like twice a year. We did go on
44:45
Speaker 1: to journeys abroad during that time, but this was the
44:50
Speaker 1: first year. She sent me an email last year and
44:51
Speaker 1: was like, oh my gosh, pandemic, how are you going
44:53
Speaker 1: in the US, and what's been going on with you?
44:55
Speaker 1: I'm so sorry I haven't been in contact. I'm really
44:57
Speaker 1: bad about it. I center this whole thing and I
44:59
Speaker 1: was like, this is what's going on with me? How
45:01
Speaker 1: are you? Don't worry about, you know, being a bad contact.
45:04
Speaker 1: I've just got here from you and I've never heard
45:06
Speaker 1: from Ergian. And this is her first birthday where I
45:09
Speaker 1: didn't send the like happy birthday thing because I guess
45:13
Speaker 1: we're done right. It's weird too, that situation is weird.
45:16
Speaker 1: I wonder if anyone else can relate to this, where
45:19
Speaker 1: we would have a lot of discussions where she would
45:22
Speaker 1: like say, this is my problems with you, and I'm
45:26
Speaker 1: someone who tries to be really self aware, especially like
45:29
Speaker 1: as I've gotten older. It wasn't in high school or whatever,
45:31
Speaker 1: but like as I've gotten older, sometimes she would say
45:34
Speaker 1: things where I'm like, am I just being really up
45:38
Speaker 1: to because that doesn't sound like how I've interpreted these
45:41
Speaker 1: situations at all. It's just odd. Yeah, if someone is
45:46
Speaker 1: so quick and constantly trying to tell you you're bad,
45:49
Speaker 1: that would be toxic. That's the put down thing. She
45:52
Speaker 1: was definitely a friend where like I was very, very
45:57
Speaker 1: worried all the time that whatever I said or did
46:00
Speaker 1: our friendship was over and that was right, that was
46:03
Speaker 1: the end. But we do have some wonderful time together
46:05
Speaker 1: and it does make me sad right there there. Definitely is.
46:08
Speaker 1: I think that's the part of the problem. Is when
46:10
Speaker 1: you remember the good times and it's been long enough
46:14
Speaker 1: that you forgot the bad times, you're like, oh, but
46:18
Speaker 1: it's nice to have those memories. And I've always been
46:21
Speaker 1: that type of person who would say that I love
46:24
Speaker 1: meeting people, even though I'm an introvert, because they change
46:27
Speaker 1: your perspective somehow, and you find something new about yourself
46:31
Speaker 1: in that relationship, and hopefully it's a good thing. And
46:34
Speaker 1: even if it's a bad thing, it's still a lesson
46:36
Speaker 1: to learn at the very least. And then as I'm
46:39
Speaker 1: getting into forty, yeah, I only have time for essential friendship,
46:43
Speaker 1: meaning people who I can feed into and they can
46:46
Speaker 1: feed into me and we can come out together as
46:49
Speaker 1: better people. Like it's just when you get to a
46:51
Speaker 1: certain age, it's harder to make friends. A B. I've
46:55
Speaker 1: become more set in my ways as I get older,
46:58
Speaker 1: and it's harder for me to change personality to fit
47:01
Speaker 1: You don't get me wrong. Reading a room and being
47:04
Speaker 1: able to at least understand and be compassionate and all
47:07
Speaker 1: of that for sure. But at the same time, I'm
47:10
Speaker 1: not going to be giddy, happy, sweet, go lucky girl.
47:13
Speaker 1: That's just not me right, And I no longer have
47:16
Speaker 1: tie right or the middle capacity to try to change
47:21
Speaker 1: my personality to fit into this. I mean, I feel
47:25
Speaker 1: like I struggled enough just without work and try to
47:28
Speaker 1: be professional. I don't know that, you know, like professional
47:32
Speaker 1: is hard for me? Yeah? Yeah, And I think that's
47:37
Speaker 1: something we all kind of learn and go through. Is essentially,
47:42
Speaker 1: what is this friendship giving me? Is it worth the
47:46
Speaker 1: time and energy? And I know back when i UM
47:50
Speaker 1: first started and we were this stuff I've never told
47:53
Speaker 1: you At the YouTube channel that was really active. That
47:56
Speaker 1: was one of the things we heard the most from
47:58
Speaker 1: young listeners especially was how do I I'm in a
48:02
Speaker 1: toxic friendship? What do I do? UM? So I know
48:06
Speaker 1: that this is something we all have dealt with and
48:08
Speaker 1: seeing right, So I hope that this helps in some way. Yes,
48:13
Speaker 1: And the good news is there are people out there
48:16
Speaker 1: who can connect. And there was a survey that said
48:20
Speaker 1: that one inton people don't actually have close friends. That
48:23
Speaker 1: made me sad because I definitely could tell you immediately
48:27
Speaker 1: the four people that I could call if I was
48:29
Speaker 1: in an emergency state, and it makes me sad to
48:31
Speaker 1: think that someone might go without that because for sure,
48:34
Speaker 1: as a person who don't feel close to my family
48:37
Speaker 1: didn't have a family at one point in time, my
48:41
Speaker 1: friends are my family. So I can't imagine what it
48:44
Speaker 1: would be like not to have people close to me
48:47
Speaker 1: that I could lean on and know that will be
48:49
Speaker 1: there for the times that I can't be there for
48:52
Speaker 1: myself or that I can't see the reason to keep going,
48:55
Speaker 1: because I've had many of those times. But having friends
48:58
Speaker 1: to truly be there to hold my and in the
49:01
Speaker 1: darkest moments. That's been a lifesaver, literally a lifesaver for me. Yes,
49:06
Speaker 1: I totally agree. That's very, very, very powerful, and I
49:11
Speaker 1: wish that everyone had it because I don't. I think
49:13
Speaker 1: it does make you good. Friendships help you make you better,
49:19
Speaker 1: because I have to you and Samantha knows. I've been
49:22
Speaker 1: on a fan fiction binge. I just read a fan
49:25
Speaker 1: fiction where one of the characters was about to die
49:29
Speaker 1: and realized like literally no one would come to save
49:33
Speaker 1: him because he's a terrible person and some friends changed
49:38
Speaker 1: his ways once he survived. That sounds like a scrooge.
49:44
Speaker 1: I'm very very much Yes, yes, don't be a scrooge everyone,
49:51
Speaker 1: And if you need friends and you've been listening to
49:53
Speaker 1: us and count as as friends, please know we are
49:55
Speaker 1: your friends. Yes, yes, we really do appreciate the support
49:59
Speaker 1: from all you. That is a true statement. And if
50:01
Speaker 1: you would like to contact us, you can our emails
50:04
Speaker 1: Stuff Media, mom Stuff at i heeart media dot com.
50:06
Speaker 1: You can find us on Instagram at stuff I've Never
50:08
Speaker 1: Told You, are on Twitter at mom Stuff Podcast. Thanks
50:10
Speaker 1: it's always to our super producer Christina, who is also
50:13
Speaker 1: a friend. Yes, and thanks to you for listening stuff
50:16
Speaker 1: I never told you the production of iHeart Radio. For
50:18
Speaker 1: more podcast from My heart Radio, visit the iHeart Radio app,
50:20
Speaker 1: Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.