Latest / LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships / #95: The Conversation Every Parent of a Struggling Adult Child Must Have

Transcript

#95: The Conversation Every Parent of a Struggling Adult Child Must Have · LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is Launch, the podcast for parents with older children in their 20s and 30s who are struggling.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: Each week we explore subjects that are designed to help you understand what is going on with your adult child, and we offer you suggestions that will get them moving forward.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: My guests all have something valuable to share with you.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not just because they're experts in their fields, but because they are truly invested in helping you communicate, connect, and guide your adult child through this challenging time.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: If this is your first time listening to launch or your 95th, I want you to know that you found your tribe.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: You might be sitting alone in your car or out for a walk, but there are thousands of parents around the world who are right here with you, all ready and willing to learn what they can do to help their adult child thrive.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: So take a deep breath in.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: I mean literally, because if you do the work, stick to the plan.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: You will all get through this.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: Today's episode is a topic that almost every parent with an adult child who is not moving forward has to hear, which is why I want to talk about it.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, it's just me.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: This is by far one of the hardest conversations you'll ever have.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: And it begins with this statement.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: We need a plan.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: Notice I didn't say you.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, they do.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: It's because of the reactions they know they're going to get.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: But let's be honest, you can't avoid this discussion any longer.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: Or perhaps I should say, you have to revisit it again.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: Because many parents have tried.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: They've had the heart-to-heart conversations, the motivational pep talks, and they really thought they got through to them.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: But as soon as you close that bedroom door, poof, it all vanishes.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's like that scene from that movie Memento, where the main character has entero grade amnesia.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: Hope I'm saying that right.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: It's a condition that prevents him from forming new memories.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: So his brain lives in this continuous loop of the present moment without any recollection of what just happened or what anyone said to him.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: If you ever saw it, you'll recall that the only way around it is for him to put up sticky notes to keep visually reminding himself.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway, keep that in mind for later.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: Well, that's what it's like for many parents, except that most, if not all, of these young adults struggle with emotional dysregulation, not memory problems.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: And so they don't respond well when their parents bring up topics that they don't want to deal with.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: And this one is huge.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: So if you've tried, dealt with their reactions, then left them alone, waiting for another opportunity, or hoped that they would do something on their own, this episode might inspire you to try a different approach.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: Because I don't want you putting this on hold any longer.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: Furthermore, walking on eggshells, avoiding them, and worrying every night needs to end too.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: Otherwise, another year will pass where you're paying most of their living expenses.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: And whether your adult kids are living at home or on their own, they can't just keep depending on you for everything while doing nothing with their lives.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: You know this is true.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: Their sedentary installed lifestyle, it has to change.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: And if I know you at all, there's something inside of you that wonders, why is this my problem?
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: Why can't they manage their life on their own?
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: These questions run through every parent's mind.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: Here's something you might find comforting.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: Most parents I speak to really don't understand their own kids.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't make sense to them why their adult child has so much trouble with simple daily tasks that are so easy.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: They also wonder how their kids can sit home all day.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: Well, here's the thing.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: You might never understand your adult child, and I want you to know that's okay.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: Our kids aren't carbon copies of us.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: Your role here is to not try to make them just like you, nor is it to fix them.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: Your responsibility as their parent is to have the courage to start the conversation again.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: Then manage your own emotional reactions while you continue to stay on course.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: Today I'm going to share what you shouldn't say and what you can say instead.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: But I gotta be honest with you, this part is only the beginning.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: It's the follow-up and the follow-through that make the real difference.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: Parents who quit when it gets too hard find themselves with young adults who become stalled again.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: The parents who I'm working with now, they know that there's a lot to this process.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: But I also know that there are many parents who like to try things on their own, and this episode is for you.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: However, when you're ready to go deeper and you're looking for long-term results, I'm here.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: So before we get into what to say to start the conversation, let's be clear about what to leave out.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: First, this is not the time to remind your adult child of their age, compare them to their friends or siblings, or tell them that their life has been a wasteland.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: I want to stop here for a moment to see if anyone in my generation gets that reference.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: If you don't, I'll explain it.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: There's a song that most of us know as Teenage Wasteland, written by Pete Townsend of The Who.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: After Woodstock, he saw the grounds were covered in garbage and teenagers were strung out on drugs.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: This song is about young people wasting their years and throwing away their potential because of apathy and inaction.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: Even though they were complaining about the state of the world back then, they were doing nothing to change it.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: This song was written in 1971.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: That's more than 50 years ago.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: Today, these aren't just teenagers anymore.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: It's your adult child who's quietly wasting away in their bedroom, complaining about their life and the economy, but with no plans to change anything.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: But we're not about to tell them that, even if we're thinking it, because we don't want to make them feel any worse than they already do.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: Which brings me to my next point.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: Keep your judgments, personal opinions, and criticism out of it.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: That will only add to their shame because they already feel your disappointment.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: And last, stop offering suggestions, sending them job postings, or telling them you don't care what they do, just do something with your life.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: None of that has worked up till now.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, all this has ever done is trigger a negative reaction.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: You know, triggering goes both ways.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: You're also triggered by their lifestyle.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: Watching them do nothing all day sets off all kinds of alarms in your head.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe you even shared these sentiments.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: That's not how I was raised.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: My father would have kicked me out of my ass if he saw me sitting around all day.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, you know that if this was someone else's situation, you'd be saying things like, What's wrong with that kid?
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: Why aren't they working?
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: They should learn a trade.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: If that were mine, well you get my point.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: It was Dr.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: Mark McConville from Episode 88 who suggests to his clients that they should look at their kid as if they aren't their own.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: Treat them like you're hosting a young adult living in your home.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: What behaviors would you never tolerate?
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: Where would you draw the line?
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: And ask yourself now, why am I accepting any of this?
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: Here are three things that you can focus on when having the conversation with them.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: First is the reality of the current situation.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: State the facts calmly and without commentary.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: At this point, it's not how you feel about it or what it says about them.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: Just what is facts.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: You've been living like this for X amount of years.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: Your life is not moving forward.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever you're doing is clearly not working for you.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: Second, state what you can no longer enable or tolerate in your house.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: Be clear and specific.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: This is where you take ownership for allowing it to go on for so long.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: When you own your own part, it's no longer an attack.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: It's the beginning of a relationship reset.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: It's saying we're going to change.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: Therefore, things around here will change too.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: And third, your adult needs to hear that you see them as capable of doing whatever they set their mind to.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: That you believe they can do hard things.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: That's how you finish your part of the conversation.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: I can't tell you how often parents have said to me, I've told my kid he's smart and he should become this or do that.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: I tell them all the time they could work at this job or get hired at that one.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: Well, you know what I hear?
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: I hear a parent who's telling their kid what they think they should do.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: Father knows best, right?
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: Unfortunately not at this stage.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: Now is when you have to let them come up with their ideas.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: Step back and invite your adult child to decide what they're going to do with their life.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: Your role is to do the following to say the waiting is over, their life is not moving forward, you're going to help them with a plan because we know they won't do it on their own, and you are setting time limits.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: Because without any urgency, there will never be movement.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: One more thing.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to defend yourself and explain why you need this to happen.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: First, you sound guilty, and honestly, they don't care.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: They want life to stay exactly as it is.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: Don't sell the house.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need the money.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: Don't tell them you want to retire or travel.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: They'll say you're being selfish.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: Don't give them any reason to engage.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: This is about them starting their life.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: Here's what you need to be prepared for.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: They won't have the answers right away.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: They will react.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: They will need some time to come up with what their next steps must be, which is why you will not walk away until you have set another time to sit down again.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: You are assisting with their game plan, not writing it.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: Setting dates is imperative.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: Remember the sticky notes from Memento?
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: They need to write the plan down and put the next date on a calendar because what's said in that conversation will only be remembered on paper.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: These are questions you need to consider before you sit down with your adult child.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: So be prepared.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: What needs to change about the current arrangement?
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: What are you willing and able to continue providing as they get on their feet?
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: And what will you do after repeated discussions if nothing changes?
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: As I come to a close, I want to remind you that there isn't one timeline or one arrangement that works for every family.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: But there does need to be an honest conversation about the reality of their situation and what must change.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: You are not forcing your adult child into independence overnight.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: The goal is for them to stop treating their current living arrangement and lifestyle as though it can continue forever without a plan.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: So be honest about what you're observing, what you're concerned about, and what needs to change in your home and in the way you provide support.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: Recognize that loving your adult child doesn't require you to remain silent about a situation that is keeping them stalled.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes the most loving thing that you can do is stop pretending that everything is fine.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: Because continuing without having this conversation is not moving either of you toward a solution.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're thinking, I know I need to have this conversation, but I still don't know how to begin, you can always reach out to me.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_00: But if you're ready to tackle this next step on your own, don't expect to resolve years of stagnation in one conversation.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: Ask them what they want for their future and set the wheels in motion by sitting down with them and saying, It's time we make a plan.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sherry Jonas and this is Launch.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_00: Registration for the next free launch masterclass is open if you're interested.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_00: The link is simply parentingfx.com forward slash register, or you can always grab the link in the show notes.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_00: If this episode resonated with you, please share it with another parent who might need to hear it.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_00: Remember to hit the follow button so you never miss an episode.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: And if you love listening to launch, leaving a five star review or comment helps other parents to find us.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_00: As always, thank you for being here from wherever that may be.