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Just Jennie … Empty Bedroom · I Choose Me with Jennie Garth

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: You're listening to I Choose Me with Jenny Garl Hi. Everyone,
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: welcome back to I Choose Me, the pod where we
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: talk about all the choices we make in life and
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  Speaker 1: how they shape us. So today it's another episode of
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: Just Me, Just Jenny, and I wanted to talk about
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  Speaker 1: a very real, very current in my life topic. And
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  Speaker 1: I know it's something that a lot of you out
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  Speaker 1: there might be dealing with too, or you have maybe
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  Speaker 1: somebody in your life that's dealing with it, or you
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  Speaker 1: know someday you're gonna have to deal with it. So
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  Speaker 1: it's been a little bit over two weeks now that
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  Speaker 1: we packed up and made that early morning drive and
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  Speaker 1: moved our youngest daughter, Fiona into her college dorm. Leaving
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  Speaker 1: her there felt unnatural for sure. I've been doing a
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  Speaker 1: lot of reminding myself that this is what happens. You
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  Speaker 1: work for this moment, and this is actually a celebratory
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  Speaker 1: thing that is happening. But I still have a lot
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  Speaker 1: of conflicting feelings. Our house is a little quieter now,
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  Speaker 1: but it definitely feels like something is missing. I mean,
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  Speaker 1: to be factual, someone is missing. It's really weird, you guys.
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  Speaker 1: Every time I walk by her bedroom, I get sad.
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  Speaker 1: I keep the door closed to stop myself, but sometimes
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  Speaker 1: I go in and I look around and I smell
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  Speaker 1: her familiar smells, and I see her things, and I
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  Speaker 1: just lose it. Here's a pro tip. Do not open
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  Speaker 1: the closet and see what's been left behind. Ah. There's
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  Speaker 1: just something about that that rips you right open. When
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  Speaker 1: I do choose to really let myself think about all
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  Speaker 1: the feelings I'm having, I realize that there is a
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  Speaker 1: lot there hiding behind all the happy and all the
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  Speaker 1: excited and all the supportive feelings that I'm supposed to
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  Speaker 1: be having. The ones we see all the other moms
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  Speaker 1: talking about their newfound freedom and having it all, living
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  Speaker 1: it up finally for themselves. As a mom of three,
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  Speaker 1: I've always felt like my heart and my mind were
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  Speaker 1: somewhat divided up by like four or five. Always with
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  Speaker 1: each of the girls wherever they are, sending them constant
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  Speaker 1: support and love and yes, worrying about them. I'm curious
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  Speaker 1: about how they're doing day in and day out, and
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  Speaker 1: then wondering if they're feeling good, how they're managing their
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  Speaker 1: lives out there on their own. Are they taking care
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  Speaker 1: of themselves. Are they happy, are they finding good people
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  Speaker 1: to be with? Do they feel fulfilled? I feel so split,
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  Speaker 1: actually spread thinner now in a way than I did
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  Speaker 1: even when I was in the throes of the challenges
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  Speaker 1: of raising them day in and day out. And then
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  Speaker 1: whatever is left of my mind and heart is trying
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  Speaker 1: to connect with where I am now, trying to remember
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  Speaker 1: to choose to take care of myself, trying to feel
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  Speaker 1: good about redefining this moment in my life. Sometimes there's
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  Speaker 1: not a lot left to give for that. If I'm
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  Speaker 1: being honest and I think about my sweet husband and
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  Speaker 1: I recognize that I'm really not allotting much energy or
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  Speaker 1: attention towards my marriage or him currently. That's a whole
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  Speaker 1: different topic that we can talk about another time, one
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  Speaker 1: that I actually really do want to work through with you.
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  Speaker 1: But I'm going to try to stay on topic right now.
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  Speaker 1: For many of us parents, this is a brand new
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  Speaker 1: rhythm that we're all trying to figure out. Because I
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  Speaker 1: know this isn't just my journey, it's a universal moment
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  Speaker 1: for so many of us, and I think it's important
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  Speaker 1: that we talk honestly about what it's really like for me,
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  Speaker 1: for you, for any of us going through it. So
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  Speaker 1: the first few days after the move in are kind
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  Speaker 1: of a blur in my mind. There was, as you know,
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  Speaker 1: the excitement of working beside her, imagining and setting up
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  Speaker 1: her dorm room, getting her all settled in, that family
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  Speaker 1: dinner afterwards, than the goodbyes, the quiet ride home, the
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  Speaker 1: silence when you get home and there's nothing left to
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  Speaker 1: do but sit in it. For me, the first week
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  Speaker 1: was full of texts and calls. Are you okay? Do
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  Speaker 1: you have everything you need? How are you feeling? How
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  Speaker 1: are you getting along with your new roommate. I still
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  Speaker 1: felt that connection, you know, that routine of being needed.
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  Speaker 1: But now two weeks in the communication has started to
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  Speaker 1: change a little and it's not as constant as it was.
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  Speaker 1: It's more spaced out, and I try to respect her
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  Speaker 1: new independence and give her that room to figure things
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  Speaker 1: out for herself. And yeah, somewhere in that space is
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  Speaker 1: a new, somewhat odd feeling of having more time for myself.
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  Speaker 1: But more than anything, it just feels foreign, being needed less,
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  Speaker 1: the absence of being under the same roof with her
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  Speaker 1: day in and day out. This a new rhythm that
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  Speaker 1: I am struggling to get used to one we're all
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  Speaker 1: forced to get comfortable with when the birds fly the nest,
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  Speaker 1: because you know, you send your kids off to college,
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  Speaker 1: and you imagine them having the time of their life
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  Speaker 1: right meeting all the new people, falling in love with
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  Speaker 1: their classes and their professors, that excitement of being on
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  Speaker 1: their own finally, and that is one hundred percent what
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  Speaker 1: we truly want for them. But that doesn't mean it
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  Speaker 1: comes naturally, and maybe the reality of them adjusting to
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  Speaker 1: this new life might not be as we had hoped.
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  Speaker 1: Because I've had a few calls with Fiona where I
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  Speaker 1: can hear her sadness in her voice. You know, I
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  Speaker 1: can feel her struggling. And it's not just the bizarre
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  Speaker 1: new reality of living in close quarters with a complete stranger,
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  Speaker 1: though that's there too, it's a deeper feeling of questioning things.
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  Speaker 1: In our case, a lot of her friends left California,
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  Speaker 1: where we live, and they went to big schools in
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  Speaker 1: different states, and I get the sense that she's feeling
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  Speaker 1: some second guessing about not having that same kind of
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  Speaker 1: experience of kind of measuring her own up to those
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  Speaker 1: of her friends that she's seeing on Instagram, and it
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  Speaker 1: seems like everyone else is having this big, epic Friday
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  Speaker 1: night lights kind of experience, and she's missing out. I
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  Speaker 1: don't know, she's not finding it yet. Her school is
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  Speaker 1: a little smaller, there's no big football team, there's not
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  Speaker 1: a ton of those school spirit opportunities that she sees
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  Speaker 1: her friends having, and she's struggling to find her people
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  Speaker 1: and she's not loving her classes yet. So for her,
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  Speaker 1: I think it feels a little quiet and sort of
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  Speaker 1: non climactic, like grand adventure she imagined herself having it
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  Speaker 1: just hasn't quite started yet, and the fear that it
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  Speaker 1: won't ever happen for her. It's really hard to hear
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  Speaker 1: your kids wondering if they made the right choice. It's
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  Speaker 1: so hard to hear them struggling to find their way.
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  Speaker 1: This is where my core philosophy has been put to
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  Speaker 1: the test, the challenge to choose myself, even when it
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  Speaker 1: feels a little selfish. My first instinct is to want
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  Speaker 1: to just jump in and solve all her problems, fix
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  Speaker 1: things like I have always tried to do, to worry
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  Speaker 1: and to let her anxiety become my own. But I
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  Speaker 1: am continually reminding myself that I need to let her
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  Speaker 1: feelings be hers, and I need to let her find
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  Speaker 1: things on her own, and that my piece is now
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  Speaker 1: more than ever a priority. So I am consciously choosing
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  Speaker 1: to try to step back a little bit, kind of
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  Speaker 1: like be a consultant, not a manager anymore. When she calls,
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  Speaker 1: my job is not to fix things. It is to listen,
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  Speaker 1: without judgment and without too much attachment. So I validate
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  Speaker 1: her feelings of disappointment because they're real, but I also
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  Speaker 1: try to remember to not get sucked in so deeply
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  Speaker 1: to her problems. It's weird, I say, I understand that
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  Speaker 1: this is unfamiliar, it's unknown for you, and it's okay.
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  Speaker 1: It's really normal to feel this way. And then I
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  Speaker 1: try to help her brainstorm ways to work through it.
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  Speaker 1: I ask her, what is one thing you can do
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  Speaker 1: this week to change the way you're feeling. My job
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  Speaker 1: is to offer advice when she asks for it, and
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  Speaker 1: then to step back and let her find her way.
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  Speaker 1: That is, as it turns out, a lesson in me
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  Speaker 1: taking care of myself too. It looks like it looks
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  Speaker 1: like taking a walk after a tough phone call to
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  Speaker 1: sort of process my feelings, or I'm talking to my
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  Speaker 1: husband more about how I'm feeling instead of holding it inside.
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  Speaker 1: And I'm focusing on this new rhythm here at home
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  Speaker 1: so that my daughter can do the same thing at
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  Speaker 1: her new home. It's really a way of honoring my
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  Speaker 1: own needs but still being there for her. So I
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  Speaker 1: don't know if you're going through this right now, I
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  Speaker 1: want you to know a few things. First of all, grace,
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  Speaker 1: give them grace, Give yourself grace. It is a hard
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  Speaker 1: transition for everyone, and acknowledge the roller coaster of emotions
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  Speaker 1: that's happening for both of you. And tell yourself this
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  Speaker 1: is temporary and will become a more natural feeling and
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  Speaker 1: easier to manage as time goes on. Another thing is
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  Speaker 1: to listen more and talk less. Your kids need more
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  Speaker 1: of a sounding board now, not a problem solver. Just
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  Speaker 1: let them vent sometimes that's all they need. And trust
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  Speaker 1: the work you've done. You've worked so hard to teach
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  Speaker 1: your kids and instill in them that they have the
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  Speaker 1: tools and the values they need to nowate this wild
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  Speaker 1: new world. This is the moment to trust in your parenting.
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  Speaker 1: You did it, They are capable, and you did a
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  Speaker 1: great job. And maybe giving yourself that reminder of accomplishment
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  Speaker 1: will feel good to you. The truth is your relationship
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  Speaker 1: with your kid isn't ending, it's just beginning a new,
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  Speaker 1: beautiful adult phase. This isn't about being needed less, it's
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  Speaker 1: about being needed differently. And in this new phase, you
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  Speaker 1: get to let them start choosing themselves and you get
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  Speaker 1: to choose you in a whole new way. You too,
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  Speaker 1: get to step out into a new, exciting version of yourself.
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  Speaker 1: And yeah, that feels good. That feels kind of exciting.
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  Speaker 1: And it's not necessarily easy for some of us. And
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  Speaker 1: I hope that this little check in with where I
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  Speaker 1: am at is helpful for anybody who is going through
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  Speaker 1: this kind of change in their life. You got this,
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  Speaker 1: we can do this. I love you. Until next time,
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  Speaker 1: Take care of yourselves, and remember it's not just okay
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  Speaker 1: to choose you, it's vital for your well being.