Latest / MIDDLE GROUND - Real Conversations on Faith, Identity & Becoming — Through Brynne's LDS Lens of Curiosity, Love and Doubt / The Marriage Constitution: How to Stop Fighting and Start Communicating — Krystal McCort

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The Marriage Constitution: How to Stop Fighting and Start Communicating — Krystal McCort · MIDDLE GROUND - Real Conversations on Faith, Identity & Becoming — Through Brynne's LDS Lens of Curiosity, Love and Doubt

• Brynne Erickson (01:08) Crystal McCourt, my cousin, how are you? Krystal McCort (01:12) I'm fantastic, Bryn. How are you doing today? Brynne Erickson (01:14) I'm so good. I'm so glad to have you on the show. You've been working on this relationship coaching business for years now, right? Krystal McCort (01:22) It's been years, yeah. I'm excited. So Brynne Erickson (01:24) Yeah, and I am all about how we can keep people together in our lives and relationships and nurture them even when we don't see eye to eye. And I thought of you and I don't exactly know what your coaching is. And I thought, well, we should just learn about it together on middle ground today. So thanks for being here. Yeah. Krystal McCort (01:47) Let's do it. I'm so excited. So Brynne Erickson (01:49) Okay, good. So let's just start from the beginning. So what is it exactly that you're doing? Krystal McCort (01:55) So I teach couples how to design and develop their marriage constitution, which is kind of a long phrase and that kind of thing. But when you think of the actual constitution of the United States, we have laws and things that we function under using the constitution. Relationships are no different. I teach couples how to identify what the laws and rules are that govern their relationship. And it's kind of cool because that leads leeches over into their communication. I essentially teach people how to actually communicate because think about it. The way you and Dallin talk about the kids has different rules than the way that you talk about school or money or whatever. So I teach people how to actually communicate in their marriages, in every aspect of their marriage. Brynne Erickson (02:42) I love that. And that's so important because so often we just assume that we see things the same way. And then all of a sudden you're in parenting and it's like, whoa, that was a little harsh. Like I wouldn't have said Krystal McCort (02:50) It's true. It rarely is the case. Yeah. Yeah. Brynne Erickson (02:57) or done that. Like that's not okay. And then all of a sudden you're mad at each other and it's like, Well, I think that we should be doing it this way. And you're like, Well, I think we should be doing it this way. So I love that I think we assume a lot in our relationships Krystal McCort (03:10) Mm-hmm. Brynne Erickson (03:11) and then we don't We try to talk about it, but we Krystal McCort (03:14) Yeah. Brynne Erickson (03:15) it's more just like arguing and bickering and being like, Well, I'm right, you're wrong. You need to change and come down and see it my way and so that's really Krystal McCort (03:23) Mm-hmm. Brynne Erickson (03:23) cool. Krystal McCort (03:25) Yeah, I teach people, one of my favorite things to teach people is a step-by-step process for how they fight. And I know that sounds weird, but fighting is its own separate thing. I actually call it the kerfuffle formula. So my kerfuffle formula is how you and your spouse fight. Cause that how my husband and I fight. And disagree will look very different than how you and your husband will, or how whomever is listening to this and their spouses argue, right? Like it's different. So, like one of the things for me is I have to be apologized to in a very certain way. And I know that's really kind of dumb and it makes me sound like a diva, but unless you say I'm sorry, it doesn't count in my opinion. And if there is a but in an apology, it does not count. So like, no. So that's written out in our thing. And he has to go and process away from me. And he needs to, I call it his backcave time. He needs time in his backcave. And I need to talk to all of my friends about it and to my people, you know. Brynne Erickson (04:28) Mm. Krystal McCort (04:28) And he's when we first were discovering this process, our our constitution, Brynne Erickson (04:34) Mm. Krystal McCort (04:34) he said to me, Honey, well, can't you just talk to me about our problems? And I said, I mean, I could. But you would be dead by morning. So it's Brynne Erickson (04:42) No Krystal McCort (04:43) a really good thing we have other people that we can talk to. For me, he doesn't need that. I do though. So that's how Brynne Erickson (04:45) Mm. Yeah. Krystal McCort (04:48) I process our stuff, you know? So yeah. So that's written in there is how long do I need to process? How long does he need to process? So yeah. Brynne Erickson (04:56) Mm-hmm. So how do you like where your husband doesn't necessarily love you going and talking to your safe people? Krystal McCort (05:06) Mm-hmm. Brynne Erickson (05:06) How has he come to like, I guess in a way, like be okay with that, or at least be like, this is just the way it has to be? What are your thoughts on that? Krystal McCort (05:18) That's a really good question, Brynn. there are certain rules that we have surrounding the people who I talk to. So for that, Brynne Erickson (05:25) Hmm. Krystal McCort (05:25) for me, the rules are it has to be someone who loves me enough to call me on my crap and who loves him enough to not judge him because of what I'm saying about him. So Brynne Erickson (05:34) Hmm. There you go. Krystal McCort (05:36) those are our rules for the people who we got who I talk to. So yeah. And so if they meet those parameters, then then That I can talk with them. So it's lots of times. It's one of my best friends and Brooke, my sister, she thinks a lot like Ashby does. And almost always I'll take a thing to her and she'll be like, he's probably thinking this. Brynne Erickson (05:58) Well Krystal McCort (05:59) And nearly always she's right. And I'm like, thank you, Brooke. He was thinking that. So yeah, I'm very grateful I have her in my corner because Brynne Erickson (06:08) Mm-hmm. Krystal McCort (06:09) she corrects lots of my flawed thinking with him or Brynne Erickson (06:12) Yeah. Krystal McCort (06:12) where I'm missing his boat, you know. Brynne Erickson (06:15) Yeah, Krystal McCort (06:15) So Brynne Erickson (06:16) but and I love that because so often we do like there truly is power in talking it out and Krystal McCort (06:22) Mm-hmm. Brynne Erickson (06:22) speaking your truth out loud, no matter how petty or insecure and silly it Krystal McCort (06:25) Yeah. Yep. Brynne Erickson (06:28) sounds. But when you can get it out there and process it, then you Krystal McCort (06:32) Yeah. Brynne Erickson (06:33) can come back to your person, your partner, Krystal McCort (06:35) Mm-hmm. Brynne Erickson (06:36) and be like, okay, look, I'm a little more settled now and I'm sorry, or can we talk about this from a more constructive viewpoint now? You know, so like I've heard people be like, I'm so grateful that they go talk to somebody else or there's the other person that's like, I don't want them to say anything to else cause anyone else because it makes me look bad. And I think if we just whether you're the one listening or the partner, if we can just be like, yeah, we're all kind of crappy humans sometimes. Krystal McCort (07:08) Thanks too. Brynne Erickson (07:09) And if we can hold space for that and show grace for everybody and Krystal McCort (07:13) Yep. Brynne Erickson (07:15) like cheer them on, you know, like okay, you've hit kind of a low point. That's okay. We got you while you're here. How can we support Krystal McCort (07:20) Mm-hmm. Brynne Erickson (07:23) you and show up for you? And I love that in your marriage, you've you're like, okay, this is how we operate. This is these are some parameters as we're trying to navigate our relationship because we love each other. Krystal McCort (07:37) Mm-hmm. Brynne Erickson (07:37) And we're trying to stay together and we're trying to work toward the common goal of our family and our unit, whatever that is. So I think that's all incredibly empowering. How did you come up with the constitution idea? 'Cause that's really unique. Krystal McCort (07:54) It is really unique. it is actually not my idea. Brynne Erickson (07:58) Okay. Krystal McCort (07:59) we were in college and we had just we'd been dating for, I don't know, probably six-ish months. It I can't remember. But we had our first like big fight, right? Brynne Erickson (08:09) Mm. Krystal McCort (08:10) Like the first one that I was like, I'm gonna kill him and then bury him, you know? And so I go to murder pretty quick in my head. Thankfully he knew that about me before he said yes. before he like was okay with this. Anyway, but no. We had had just had our first blow up and and I was when I get mad at him, especially poor man, I don't talk to him. I'm like, I need to Brynne Erickson (08:33) Mm. Krystal McCort (08:34) not talk to you for a minute. I need to, at least back then. Now I'm Brynne Erickson (08:37) Mm-hmm. Krystal McCort (08:37) I've matured a little bit and and changed how I handle things a little bit better. But so then I was like, I need to not talk to you for a little while. I need to I need to be away. And so I went away and talked to a friend of mine and I was like, look, we're having these issues. And she's like, you know what? It sounds like you guys need to write down your I I don't think she called it a constitution. I think she called it like an agreement or something like that. But when I opened it up a little bit later, like a few years later, after we had done this, she we had labeled it our marriage constitution. So But it our first bit that we went through was like, okay, what do we want to accomplish? Like, what did our marriage bring to this world? What does it bring to this world? Why are we married? What why us? You know? We could have picked other people. So Brynne Erickson (09:29) Yeah. Yeah. Krystal McCort (09:30) what are we doing here? You know, and then we went through and we talked about like our shared values. Like, what do we value as human beings? What are the foundational principles upon which we're building this marriage? You know, if Brynne Erickson (09:41) Yeah. Krystal McCort (09:42) and and that's really important because sometimes you do have shared values and sometimes you don't. So it's important to establish what those are and where you're going. So if you can establish where you're going and where your foundation is, then you can build how you're going to communicate from there. And our first thing was how do we fight? Because that we were discussing our argument right then. Like how Brynne Erickson (10:03) Mm-hmm. Krystal McCort (10:04) how is it that Crystal and Ashby McCourt are going to argue? So our step by test step process and it has changed. The cool part of the cool thing about a A constitution is that it's actually a living breathing document, right? Like we have amendments, we have changes. We are not the same, you know, young 20s and 18-year-old that we were when we were first dating. It's Brynne Erickson (10:26) Ray. Krystal McCort (10:26) not. So we've communicated differently, and now our process is a little bit different. But at its core, because we're still kind of the same, it's our kerfuffle formula still looks a lot the same as it used to. But one of the things that has changed was that I used to bring issues to him before I would bring it to my friends. And now I'm like, do I really need to take this to him or not? And so now I I Brynne Erickson (10:52) Mm-hmm. Krystal McCort (10:53) run it past them first sometimes. If I'm just like, am I being crazy? And Brynne Erickson (10:57) Mm. Krystal McCort (10:58) they're like, yeah, sister, take a breath, you know, or Brynne Erickson (11:01) Mm. Krystal McCort (11:01) whatever. So so yes. so that's one of the the things that has shifted in ours. and we didn't have kids when we were first married. So we didn't have to deal with parenting. Our money Brynne Erickson (11:10) Right. Mm-hmm. Krystal McCort (11:12) was separated at the time. So we didn't have a money section in our cur in our constitution. Now we do. the cool part about a constitution is that it teaches you how to communicate within your marriage about every aspect of your marriage. So there's a place for your in-laws. How do you talk about your in-laws with your spouse? You know, what are the rules? What are the expectations? And so I I specialize in expectations management, I guess you could say, because everybody has expectations. And one of my favorite stories is my my darling sister before she got married. We were talking about a constitution for her. And she's like, but I and this was before I started doing it. She's like, But Crystal, I don't have any expectations. I think it's really judgmental to have expectations. And I was like, Okay, sounds good. You have none? And she's like, No. I don't have any expectations. And I was like, liar, liar, patty's on fire. I didn't say that to her, but I thought it hard in my head. Brynne Erickson (12:06) Yeah. Krystal McCort (12:07) So I was like, all right, sounds good. You don't need a constitution, I guess. So a few months later, like fast forward like four months, and her new husband is in the doghouse. And I was like, is this for one of those expectations that you don't have? I guess you do. Look at there, you Brynne Erickson (12:23) Right. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Krystal McCort (12:26) know, because we all have them. We have expectations. And So I help people to establish what those expectations are for communication within their marriage. So Brynne Erickson (12:34) I would imagine that a lot of people don't even realize what their expectations are. Krystal McCort (12:38) No, and then and then they try to enforce those expectations with their spouse, and that's Brynne Erickson (12:42) Mm-hmm. Krystal McCort (12:42) where a lot of marital Disagreement. Yeah, and dis both dysfunction, disagreement, marital disputes arise. Brynne Erickson (12:44) Like dysfunction, disagreement. Yes. Krystal McCort (12:51) It's from you're like, I'll be like, well, obviously he should just do this. And he's like, This wasn't even on my radar, hon. What are you talking Brynne Erickson (12:59) Right. Krystal McCort (12:59) about? You know, So yeah, I think that one of the cool things is to see how people communicate, because it's really personalized to your marriage, you know, like the way you and Dallin fight is gonna be different. So, but most of the time it starts the same, right? The same for let's go to the kerfuffle formula, Like Brynne Erickson (13:17) Mm-hmm. Krystal McCort (13:17) your argument is gonna start the same way as mine is somebody has to bring up a disagreement, right? Like somebody has to bring up an issue. So what does it look like to bring up an issue? Do you bring up issues when you're hungry? Do you not? Do you bring up issues when you're tired? Do you not? Do you bring up issues only on Thursday afternoons? Or what is it? You know what Brynne Erickson (13:33) Mm. Yeah. Krystal McCort (13:35) I mean? So what are your rules for bringing up issues, you know? And then what's the next step? Do you go and think about it? Do they resolve it then? Do you set up a time to resolve it and come back and think about it? Like what's the next step? Because otherwise you're just left with a whole bunch of open-ended arguments, right? Brynne Erickson (13:51) Right. Krystal McCort (13:51) If you don't solve them. And and obviously this is cool because some things can be solved right then. Like, hey hun, can Can you stop putting your socks near the hamper? Can you just put them in the hamper? Like that's an easy fix, you know? Or it's Brynne Erickson (14:04) Mm-hmm. Yeah. Krystal McCort (14:06) not. Maybe it's not. Maybe he's like, I'd rather die because I'm trying to make the baskets and I always miss, you know? So maybe he's frustrated about making them. I don't know. So Brynne Erickson (14:14) Yeah. Krystal McCort (14:15) it just depends, And then there are Brynne Erickson (14:16) Mm. Krystal McCort (14:17) things that are really big things, like, holy cow, our kid is becoming a teenager. How do we handle this? How do we navigate teenage parenting? We don't know, you know? So so there are things that are bigger things that you bring up that you're like, well, I think we should do it this way. Well, I don't I Brynne Erickson (14:32) Yeah. Krystal McCort (14:33) don't know. sometimes you have to go and think about it and then come back. And every argument has a resolution, usually. So Brynne Erickson (14:38) Yeah. Krystal McCort (14:39) what's your resolution? Do you have makeup sex? Do you just have a kiss? Are you still a little steamed sometimes? And so you need to just like don't touch me again. But I usually like to encourage bringing physical back in because if you don't bring physical back in. then it's kind of awkward to bring physical back in later on. So we have rules in that and expectations in that in our marriage. How do we bring the physical back in after an argument? And that that has saved our bacon a lot, actually. So yeah, we like that. Mm-hmm. Brynne Erickson (15:07) Interesting. I haven't thought about that. Okay. Wow, I've had so many thoughts come through my head as we've been talking. Krystal McCort (15:15) Hit me with Brynne Erickson (15:16) Okay, so essentially fighting, in your opinion, isn't a problem. Krystal McCort (15:21) No. But to a lot of people it is, which their Brynne Erickson (15:26) Mm. Krystal McCort (15:27) their formulas will look different, right? Like they're gonna have to navigate that in a different way. I have no problems with disagreements with my spouse, but it's because since before we were married, we had our formula in place. And so for us, it was just a process. We followed our process. So not many things have been turned into like major crap. And and like Brynne Erickson (15:47) Mm-hmm. Krystal McCort (15:48) one of the things that we don't do, one of our rules is that we don't bring up crap from the past. Like when you're fighting about X, you stay on X. You don't go back to when he did this way long ago or when I did this forever ago. So Brynne Erickson (15:59) Yeah. I love that. Krystal McCort (16:03) yeah, we just don't do that. So it's not helpful. It's not helpful for us, but maybe Brynne Erickson (16:05) It's not helpful. It's not really constructive, is it? Yeah. Krystal McCort (16:09) for some people that's part of their process is that they need to hammer out those old things. I don't know. It's kinda cool because you get to write the process for you and your spouse and your or your relations. Brynne Erickson (16:23) I like it because you get to bring to light what's important to both of you and figure out how to blend them together somehow. Even if it's not necessarily we're gonna agree or see eye to eye on this, but we need to figure out how to honor like both of Krystal McCort (16:41) huh. Brynne Erickson (16:41) things that are important to both of us. And I'm Krystal McCort (16:43) Yep. And I don't teach you how to how to agree. I teach you how to talk about how you're agreeing or disagreeing. Does that make sense? Like Brynne Erickson (16:51) Mm. Krystal McCort (16:52) I teach you the the scaffolding and the infrastructure for which to have an argument in or a disagreement in. So I know kind of. Brynne Erickson (17:01) And then they get to decide the outcome. Krystal McCort (17:05) So yeah. Brynne Erickson (17:05) Cool. I love that. And so you're like, I can help you get to where you're going, but at the end of the day, it's up to you guys. Yeah. So you're just neutral and Krystal McCort (17:14) Yeah. Yep. Mm-hmm. Brynne Erickson (17:17) whatever outcome comes. I love that. You're that just there Krystal McCort (17:19) Yeah. So Brynne Erickson (17:21) to support and help. Krystal McCort (17:23) Well, I I think it's so cool because we hear all the time, well, just communicate better. And people are like, Well, how the heck do I communicate better? Brynne Erickson (17:29) Yeah. Mm-hmm. Krystal McCort (17:32) I teach you how to communicate better because I teach you how to identify your unwritten expectations and rules within your marriage. Because that's what that's what we're trying to work Brynne Erickson (17:39) Mm-hmm. Yes. Krystal McCort (17:42) out is our unwritten ri rules and expectations. Even though that's not a very like sexy way of saying that. That's Brynne Erickson (17:48) Yeah. Krystal McCort (17:49) what it is. So, but because that's what we are Brynne Erickson (17:51) It is. Krystal McCort (17:52) like like. Going back to my sister's example, her husband was in the doghouse for who knows what, right? Like Brynne Erickson (17:57) Mm-hmm. Krystal McCort (17:59) it's because of an expectation she hadn't communicated with him. And I don't, it wasn't about a fight that they were having. It was about like cleaning the house. So how Brynne Erickson (18:08) Yeah. Krystal McCort (18:09) do you clean the house? So you if you can if you can break your relationship up into the Brynne Erickson (18:14) Mm-hmm. Krystal McCort (18:14) the different things that you're communic that you communicate about, let's try English there, then you can establish methods ahead of time and then your communication goes really smoothly. So yeah, that's what I do. Brynne Erickson (18:28) Yeah, too often I think we just assume that our people know or should know. Like, they should know that I need XYZ done. They should know to do the dishes when the dishwasher is full. They should know to take out the Krystal McCort (18:41) Yeah. Brynne Erickson (18:42) garbage when the garbage is full. And you know, I'm just learning when Dal with Dal. I've gotten really Krystal McCort (18:46) Mm-hmm. Brynne Erickson (18:47) good at like asking, hey, I'm wondering why you leave a pile of clothes on the floor. I'm wondering why. Krystal McCort (18:56) Mm-hmm. Brynne Erickson (18:56) You leave your lunchbox out every day for 15 years. True story on that one. And but I instead Krystal McCort (19:03) I believe it. Yep. Brynne Erickson (19:05) of just coming in hot, but I've also been in the world of coaching for six of those 15 years. So when he gave me his answer, he's like, you know what? I just set it down and I move on. He's like, it's not intentional. I'm not like trying to make anyone's life harder. I just, I And moving like kids. It's like, okay, great. How can I help with dinner? What can I do for bedtime? Like he's moved on to the next thing. So I could have been putting all of this energy into the lunchbox and ignored all the other awesome things that he's doing. But Krystal McCort (19:40) Mm-hmm. Brynne Erickson (19:40) thankfully I've been doing this work that allowed me to be like, you know what, let's get curious about this and see what his reasoning is. And then I get to decide if I continue to make it a big deal or not. Krystal McCort (19:50) Mm-hmm. Brynne Erickson (19:51) And I can lovingly encourage him to put it away, or maybe today I'm gonna put it away again on my own, you know. But I'm so grateful for this work that has opened up, like me may help me become more aware of my thinking and my expectations and my unset rules for everyone. We have them for Krystal McCort (20:08) Yep. Yeah. Brynne Erickson (20:09) every single but for strangers, for the how Krystal McCort (20:12) Uh-huh. Brynne Erickson (20:12) people should be at the grocery store, for how people should be at church, for how people should be. In your in-laws and a grandma and it's just for every single person we have these unspoken rules. Yes. my gosh, right? Yeah, we're the Krystal McCort (20:21) And the pickup line of kidding your kids from school. Yep. Yeah. Brynne Erickson (20:27) worst in our cars, right? Where we can speak our thoughts out loud, but nobody hears them. So it yeah, this coaching work has been my favorite because it just allows me to become more aware of what I'm thinking Krystal McCort (20:39) Mm-hmm. Brynne Erickson (20:40) and take ownership for what I'm creating in my life, in my marriage, in my relationships. And it is it is powerful stuff. So I love I absolutely love what you're you're doing. Brynne Erickson (20:52) Hey, really quick, whether your faith is shifting or you've already done a lot of that work, I built something for you. It's called Faith in Process and is a private online community for Latter-day Saints who want to explore and expand their beliefs through real open-minded conversations about gospel topics and principles. Think that like Facebook and Sunday school had a baby, but you never have to see anyone in person. Drop in whenever works for you, leave a thought, read what others are sitting with. No calls, no meetups, just good conversation. Twelve dollars a month at Brynarikson.com. Click join Faith and Process for more information and I hope to see you there. Brynne Erickson (21:32) What are your biggest categories that you end up breaking down with people typically? Krystal McCort (21:34) So the biggest one the biggest ones for me are kind of I call them the big three. So this is the the kerfuffle formula because I think Brynne Erickson (21:45) Mm. Krystal McCort (21:46) if you can bring up disagreements without without it catastrophizing your marriage, then Brynne Erickson (21:51) Mm. Krystal McCort (21:52) that's a huge part of the battle because then you're not worried about, crap, I forgot how what we're gonna make for the barbecue we're going to this tomorrow. no. You know, and so now you're not Brynne Erickson (22:05) Mm-hmm. Krystal McCort (22:05) worried about how am I gonna talk to my spouse about the money that we don't have and the fact that we haven't brought the dish and made the dish and and we have to leave or whatever. In my case, it would be like in 10 minutes, you know. So yeah, but so that's one of my my favorite thing to teach is is how to structure your disagreements and and concerns with your spouse. And maybe disagreements is too strong of a word there, but it's how to bring up stuff that you're like, crap, this could go a lot of different ways, Brynne Erickson (22:32) Mm. Okay. Krystal McCort (22:33) And and lots of times you're not in that until until it's too late. Like lots of times you're like, this just became an argument. When did this become an argument? You know, like Brynne Erickson (22:41) Yeah. Krystal McCort (22:42) I thought we were just talking about kittens, and all of a sudden, I wanna strangle you. Yeah, or whatever. Brynne Erickson (22:48) Yeah. Krystal McCort (22:49) Because you went to like the fact that you never had a kitten and you don't feel loved and you don't think he loves you or whatever. Like, you know what I mean? Like it can go dark fast in marriages. So, Brynne Erickson (22:53) Mm. Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mm-hmm. Krystal McCort (22:59) so it's important to understand how to how to bring up concerns and how to stay on that so that you don't spiral out of out of what you're in. Brynne Erickson (23:09) Yeah. Krystal McCort (23:10) and the other thing that I really enjoy teaching is communication about finances. And I really like teaching because that's a huge one. Like what are my actual expectations? And what do I want with the money? And what does what do does my person want? How do they feel? And what needs do they need met? You know? And and Brynne Erickson (23:30) Mm. Krystal McCort (23:32) it changes the entire equation when you can talk about how to talk about money. You know, like this Brynne Erickson (23:36) Yes. Krystal McCort (23:37) is what our money talk needs to look like. These are the rules it needs to follow. These are the this is our step by step process for how to talk about the money. and I really enjoy talking about the bedroom because people have huge Brynne Erickson (23:49) Yeah, for sure. Krystal McCort (23:52) like that's one of the big reasons people get divorced is because they're not on the same page sexually. It's Brynne Erickson (23:57) Yeah. Krystal McCort (23:58) one of the three biggest reasons people get divorced. So historically speaking. So Brynne Erickson (24:02) Mm. Krystal McCort (24:03) those are changing a little bit, but it's still in the top high up there. So I enjoy Brynne Erickson (24:07) Interesting. Krystal McCort (24:09) because there's so many expectations there, and we're a little bit better about talking about those. Sometimes, like, okay, well, how often do you actually want to have sex? Do you want to Brynne Erickson (24:17) Mm-hmm. Krystal McCort (24:17) have sex? Do you how angry are you gonna get if your spouse says no? Cause they're Brynne Erickson (24:21) Mm. Krystal McCort (24:21) not in the mood. We're not always in the mood when our spouses. How do you handle that? How do you navigate that? How Brynne Erickson (24:26) Yeah. Krystal McCort (24:27) do you talk about how to talk about the bedroom? You know? So. Brynne Erickson (24:29) Yes. Krystal McCort (24:31) I teach you how to talk about how to talk about the other things. So yeah. It's a toolkit. In all the areas, yep. Mm-hmm. Brynne Erickson (24:34) so good. So it's a toolkit that it will help you in all the areas of your relationship. So good. So so good. So you mentioned that it kind of stemmed from when you were dating and you were figuring out how to disagree. what inspired you to actually create this into an actual program? Krystal McCort (24:58) Well, I was really excited to make some changes in my life and I was like, okay, well, what do I need to do? And I was talking to God one day and I was like, all right, what do I need to talk about here? Like, or do I I'm a nurse by trade and I was like, do I finish my nursing? Do I not? And and this was the thing that God was like, you know what, Crystal? Marriages are really important and they're hurting right now. I need you to help people's marriages heal. And I was like, all right, cool. So I can do that. And I I love it. It is so cool to see how people like to to watch that aha moment when people are like, that's why you do this thing that has been driving me nuts for 15 years. I thought it was because I I I d I don't know what I thought. I thought that you hated me. Yeah. I didn't get the whole story. Brynne Erickson (25:45) I came up with the whole story and made it personal. Yep. Krystal McCort (25:48) Exactly. Like in fact, I had one of these aha moments in our marriage a couple months ago. And Brynne Erickson (25:54) Mm. Krystal McCort (25:55) my husband, we were talking about finances. And and it dawned on me that he I can't even remember how it hit me, but he wants to ask me questions about his purchases because he didn't feel like when he was growing up that there was an interest in what he wanted and why he wanted it. And so he asks me questions because he thinks that that is showing love to me and I hate it. And so I was like Brynne Erickson (26:23) You're like, just do it. Krystal McCort (26:24) Why do you always ask me questions? I hate the grill session. And he's like, well, because I want to know what you want. And I leave him alone about his purchases and just say, yeah, you know what, honey, you get it. Get the thing. I don't, I don't care if you want it or not. Like you clearly want it. You should have it. Go get it, you know? And Brynne Erickson (26:44) Mm. Krystal McCort (26:45) he's like, but you never ask me about my thing and I want to explain my thing to you. And I was like, my gosh. So we had this whole chunk missing in our marriage about finances because we were understanding that the other person, like, I need to just have permission and to be left alone unless I want to talk about it. And he needs to feel love through explaining why he wants this thing. You know, I just want to be trusted to do it. He wants to be have the experience of communicating why Brynne Erickson (27:14) Explaining Krystal McCort (27:16) he wants it. And I was like, okay. And that has hit been a huge game changer in our marriage. So I was like, okay. So it's stuff like that that when the light bulb goes on, it's like, my gosh. So that now has become part of our process in the finances, right? Like now Brynne Erickson (27:30) Yes. Krystal McCort (27:31) I listen to why he wants this particular set of headphones, or why he wants to go to this place on our trip instead of this place. Or why he wants or whatever, you know? So but and I and I find myself having to go, okay, be quiet. It's his turn to talk. Just let him talk. You know he needs to talk. And I didn't know that a few months ago. So I'm really glad for that because it's changed our whole finances discussion. So yeah. Ta-da. Brynne Erickson (27:59) Beautiful. I love that. Krystal McCort (28:02) Cut a phone, huh? Brynne Erickson (28:03) Yes, it's so good because when you're it's easier to recognize those scenarios when you start getting curious. Again, there's that word. Like, why does he Krystal McCort (28:12) Yeah. Yep. Brynne Erickson (28:14) keep bringing this up every time he wants to buy something? I don't understand. So then instead of just making it personal, like they're so obnoxious, Krystal McCort (28:22) Yeah, which is what I did. Brynne Erickson (28:24) and I don't want to have to do this. Like, why don't they find their person to To them about their headphones, right? But no, he wanted to talk to his wife. Like, how cute, right? What Krystal McCort (28:35) It was really cute. Brynne Erickson (28:37) I love that. Now that you're on the other side and you were willing to be like, honey, why do you do this instead of it's so annoying when you're always doing this, you know, the accusations and and that's Krystal McCort (28:48) Mm-hmm. Brynne Erickson (28:48) where the petty side comes in. And I think that ha shows up first. I call it like the natural man side. It's it's that Krystal McCort (28:55) It very much is, yeah. Brynne Erickson (28:56) side that's like, yeah, yeah. That shows up and then we can step into our higher inner self and be like, okay, now what can we ask about this to better understand? And eventually Krystal McCort (29:06) Mm-hmm. Brynne Erickson (29:07) and actually not eventually and more importantly, love this person better. Krystal McCort (29:13) Yeah. Yep. So yeah, I love that part of it because it's really cool to see when people have that moment. And it's like, so that's why that's why my wife needs compliments. She's not feeling complimented. And so I really need to pour into her. my husband actually really does need sex to feel totally loved. You know, like it's those moments Brynne Erickson (29:39) Yeah. Krystal McCort (29:39) where it's like, But we've never talked about how often you need it. How often do you need compliments? How often do you need this this thing in your relationship, you know? So, so yeah, but money is one of my favorite things to talk about and the bedroom. Those are my, those are my two favorites. And a the kerfuffle formula. Obviously, I like it enough, I named it. So but Brynne Erickson (29:57) What yeah. Yes. Where did Kerfuffle come from? Krystal McCort (30:03) kerfuffle is another word for an argument, like a small disagreement. Google it, Brynne Erickson (30:06) Mm-hmm. I like that. Krystal McCort (30:09) you'll see it. Brynne Erickson (30:09) I'm sure I will. So what would you say is the ultimate outcome or like the aim that you're striving to achieve with your clients? Krystal McCort (30:18) My aim is for them to feel peace and unity in their marriage because if they can figure out how to talk about how about the things they're talking about, that's the inevitable outcome, is that they get much more on the same page. Because it brings those unwritten expectations into the open. So now you can actually be able to be on the same page as your spouse. And and you can go, I didn't realize that. That you needed this. And and I didn't realize that I needed this. But it it's kind of intrinsically a really personal process because you have to be first willing to understand yourself and then come together with your spouse after they understand themselves, you know? So and it kind of makes you have to go, I really. I do need it like this, even though I don't like that I need it like this. Like, I don't like that I need to be here, I'm sorry, in a certain way without a butt in it. That makes me feel kind of petty. But I really despise our apologies with butts in them. They don't count to me, you know, even though that is intrinsically something that I'm like, why can't I just be like, take an apology that's like, thanks for doing that, honey? And that's not at all an apology, but I can't. Brynne Erickson (31:39) Hm. Interesting. Yeah. Krystal McCort (31:40) So, you know, so that one was for me a really hard one for me to go. I wish I could change this about myself, but and maybe over time I can, but for now, that's not going anywhere. Mm-hmm. Brynne Erickson (31:50) Yeah, 'cause that self awareness, right? It's like, okay, this is something that I can work on. Especially Krystal McCort (31:57) Yeah. Brynne Erickson (31:57) if it is causing enough of a hardship in a marriage, right? It's like, okay, I Krystal McCort (32:01) Mm-hmm. Yep. Brynne Erickson (32:03) can I can work on that, but I I promise you I'm also not trying to be difficult and I'm not trying to make this harder for us. But yeah, I like Krystal McCort (32:15) Mm-hmm. Brynne Erickson (32:15) it. At least you brought it to light, right? Krystal McCort (32:18) Yep. So and once you bring it to light, then you can go, well, like when my husband and I first did ours, the the concept that I needed to talk about, our arguments and our c our issues, was completely anathema to him. He was like, What? He that's when he was like, Wait, you really need to talk about this? Like, why can't you just talk to me? And I'm going, because I can't process with you. You're not gonna process with me. And I have to talk it out to think through my problems and my things. Brynne Erickson (32:48) Mm-hmm. Krystal McCort (32:49) Like it has to come out of my mouth to make sense in my brain, apparently. That's my that's my process. Brynne Erickson (32:53) Yeah. Yeah. Krystal McCort (32:55) So so I need to talk through it. And and lots of times he's like, Well, the solution is this. And I'm like, Well, but I don't feel good about that. Or, you know, so so for him and I, it was interesting to discover that we both needed time to process things differently, And so that was one of our processes. Like that was part, that became an integral part of our kerfuffle formula, actually was okay, we need time to, I need time to to talk to people, he needs time to think about it. But he'd never thought about needing to talk about it, you know? That was a completely strange idea and foreign to him. So so the cool part about this process is watching couples come together on on things that they're like, I didn't realize that this is what you needed. Like I didn't realize that my wife needed compliments as often as she does. I didn't realize she was struggling with poor self-image and that my words to her really, really matter. Brynne Erickson (33:55) Mm-hmm. Krystal McCort (33:56) And it takes a woman who's willing to say, Hey, you know, honey, I'm having a hard time and I don't feel great right now. And it would be really helpful if you could pour into me a little bit. Brynne Erickson (34:07) Yeah. Krystal McCort (34:07) And this is how I need it. And then to step back and be okay with your man maybe setting an alarm to give you compliments or whatever, you know, like however Brynne Erickson (34:14) Mm. However they do it. Yeah. Krystal McCort (34:17) they do it, you know, you don't get to control the the outcome, like the way that that is achieved. You don't get to control that. You Brynne Erickson (34:24) Right. Krystal McCort (34:24) just get to control what you want and whether Brynne Erickson (34:27) Yeah. Krystal McCort (34:27) or not you're gonna open your mouth and say it. So yeah. Brynne Erickson (34:29) Right. Because we can't control anyone. We can only control ourselves. So even when the information is out there and you have Krystal McCort (34:36) Mm-hmm. Brynne Erickson (34:36) established some rules and expectations, when those aren't met, okay, there's another question. So when the rules and expectations aren't met, what about Krystal McCort (34:44) Mm-hmm. What happens? Brynne Erickson (34:47) that? Yeah. Krystal McCort (34:48) That's a really good question, Brynn. And that depends. Sometimes you have built in, we have built in like punishments and rewards, especially when we were dating. We had punishments and rewards for physical contact because we didn't want to have sex before we got married. So we and there was a night when we became like really too close for comfort for both of us. We were like, whoa, okay, this needs to stop. We have to put this into our thing right now. Like, so it was like, okay, well, if we if we go what we view too far, then we don't get to see each other for a while. So we built in consequences for that. We don't build in consequences anymore into most of our stuff. But sometimes you are gonna have to learn how to live with that. Like, are you so that that becomes another another layer of your constitution is okay, what happens when this isn't met? You have your choices. You can get mad or you can. Be willing to ask about it, but also you have to first ask, did I make it known? Because usually unmet expectations are because you didn't actually say it. You just thought it really hard. And that doesn't happen. or it could be also that like they just haven't had time to make that happen, you know, or that they don't have the money or they're not sure how to make that happen. Because I think especially for men and women in marriages, husbands really do want to please their wives. Women need to just let them do it a lot of the time. And and that's not true for everyone, but by and large, I think that's largely the case. Like your husband didn't marry because he wants to just like slough you off all the time. That's not what he wants, you know. He married you because he wants to help make you happy and he thinks he can do a pretty good job of that. So if you let him do that, then He's gonna make good on that. And Brynne Erickson (36:43) Mm. Krystal McCort (36:44) I think that that's one of the coolest parts about being a woman is being able to receive what your husband wants to give you. However, he does it. Like, Brynne Erickson (36:52) Mm. Krystal McCort (36:53) if you say, honey, I really love flowers, and he goes out and picks dandelions, then accept the dandelions. You know what I mean? So yeah. But I think it's kind of cool. But but then you do also Brynne Erickson (37:00) Yeah. That's cute. I think it's good advice. Yeah. It very cool. Krystal McCort (37:07) get to choose, right? Like if you get dandelions instead of roses. You get to decide, am I gonna be ticked off about this or Brynne Erickson (37:12) Do I say something? Mm-hmm. Krystal McCort (37:14) am I gonna not worry about it? Or am I, like you said, am I gonna get curious about it and go, hey hunt, why dandelions? You know, like maybe Brynne Erickson (37:21) Why didn't you land dance? Yep. Krystal McCort (37:25) to him that's a huge gesture because he used to pick dandelions for his mom when he was a little boy and he was so proud of being able to bring his mom dandelions because they were flowers and she loved it. You know, so Brynne Erickson (37:33) Right. Yeah. Yeah. Yep. Krystal McCort (37:38) I don't know. So, but yeah, I think it's important to get curious, like you said, and and to establish how the routine for how what does that look like for you? Because for me, Brynne Erickson (37:48) Mm-hmm. Krystal McCort (37:48) that looks like me having to take a minute and go, wait a minute, he didn't actually mean this. Like he didn't mean to forget to bring me flowers, right? Like he knows I love flowers. He's not being Brynne Erickson (38:01) Mm. Krystal McCort (38:01) a jerk when I said, Hey, honey, I want flowers. And he didn't bring them to me that day. He was busy at work or he had stuff going on with church or he's maybe thinking about other things. Like, you know, there are a million reasons. So I then get to decide, okay, am I going to just be ticked off about this? Because I Brynne Erickson (38:22) Right. Krystal McCort (38:23) can't, right? Like I've had moments where that's what I've done, a lot of them, hence a constitution. So or am I going to say, hey honey, I said I wanted flowers and you didn't bring them to me. And I was kind of excited about flowers from you. Like what happened, babe? And then he's and then and then you can see what he says. So Brynne Erickson (38:44) Mm. Krystal McCort (38:45) or you can just leave it alone and let it cook for a little bit longer. Maybe he just hasn't had time to get to it. Or say it again. Hey, honey, I would love flowers. Brynne Erickson (38:54) Yeah. Well and I Krystal McCort (38:55) So Brynne Erickson (38:56) usually just end up taking care of it myself. And that Krystal McCort (39:00) Mm, but then you're robbing him of a chance to please you, Bryn. Brynne Erickson (39:05) But then I look for all the other ways that he's doing it. And Krystal McCort (39:08) There you go. See, look at you. Those are your expectations. Brynne Erickson (39:12) yeah. And I have give yeah, I think I've gotten really good at like giving an opportunity. Krystal McCort (39:20) Mm-hmm. Brynne Erickson (39:20) And then if that if doesn't happen for whatever reason, sometimes I ask, sometimes I don't, or sometimes I just take care of it myself. And then I don't Krystal McCort (39:29) Well Brynne Erickson (39:30) make it his I don't make it mean anything about his worth. or insufficiency or anything Krystal McCort (39:35) Good. That's important. Mm-hmm. Brynne Erickson (39:37) like that. And if it comes to that, like if I feel that festering, then that's especially when I'll bring it up. But I've noticed Krystal McCort (39:42) Good call. Brynne Erickson (39:45) that I like to give an opportunity and then I'll take care of it myself if it doesn't happen. And then if I need to bring it up. Yeah. Krystal McCort (39:51) Okay. So that's your expectation. That's your that's your I I like to call so what area of marriage are you talking about when you talk about this? Is this like getting things done in the house? Is this like the housework? Brynne Erickson (40:01) If we're talking like we could talk about flowers specifically. Like I've specifically said, I've love flowers all the time. Like even if I've already bought some, you're welcome to buy me some too. Like there's Krystal McCort (40:13) Mm-hmm. Brynne Erickson (40:13) there's no limited like cap of how much flowers we can have. Yes. And so I've said Krystal McCort (40:16) Like flowers everywhere. Yep. Brynne Erickson (40:20) that and but I also have no problem like buying myself flowers. But I don't expect him to buy me flowers. Would it be nice? Yeah, I would love flowers every week. Like that would be amazing. But Krystal McCort (40:33) Have you ever said that to him though? Brynne Erickson (40:35) I don't know if I've ever said that to him though, but I also don't expect it. It would be nice, but I don't expect it. If I want flowers every week, I go get it. I don't. Krystal McCort (40:42) There you go. So how often do you expect flowers, Bryn? Does he get you the flowers when you actually expect it? Because women do have times that we expect flowers. Don't you kid yourself. We do. I expect flowers for Mother's Day and Valentine's Day. And if he forgets those two, I will be angry. For sure. Brynne Erickson (40:59) Interesting. Krystal McCort (41:00) But I also don't care if they're dandelions or roses. You know what I mean? But I Brynne Erickson (41:05) Yeah. Krystal McCort (41:05) expect but I made that very clear to him. Like, honey, I expect flowers on these occasions. Brynne Erickson (41:10) Mm-hmm. Krystal McCort (41:11) So And ironically not our anniversary. I don't know why. That's just how I roll, you know? So Brynne Erickson (41:15) Mm-hmm. There you go. Krystal McCort (41:18) who knows what? I don't know why, Brendan. I just feel that those were my expectations, you know? Brynne Erickson (41:21) Yeah. Yeah. There you go. And everyone's are different. And that's what's cool about this process is that you get to bring it up. And then you get to decide if those are worth like holding on to or letting go of and what that's gonna look like for you in your marriage and nobody else's. So like even if I look at your marriage, I'm like, that's not necessarily how I would consider or see flowers. That's Krystal McCort (41:47) Mm-hmm. Brynne Erickson (41:47) okay. It's not for me to worry about, right? Correct. Yeah. Krystal McCort (41:49) No. But then you get to tell your husband what you do expect, right? Like, and I think it's important to understand that some expectations have a time frame on them and some don't, right? Like, so and then you have to decide whether or not you're going to be okay with that. Like there are a s like, let's go back to physical stuff. How often are we having sex? That's a very time effective one. in most marriages, right? Many marriages have an expectation of sex X amount of oftenness. Does that make sense? Whether or not you vocalize that, there's there is that of most people have that as a an unwritten thing in their marriage, so if you talk about that, then it gives your spouse the opportunity to go, hey honey, it's been X amount of time since we've had sex. Maybe look Should we go and snuggle on the couch for a little bit? Or maybe it's not sex at all. Maybe you just need a back rub and you need it once a week. Do you need a once-a-week back rub? Brynne Erickson (42:44) Mm, some physical contact. Krystal McCort (42:46) Yeah. Like what physical contact do you need? What fills your bucket physically? And Brynne Erickson (42:50) Yeah. Krystal McCort (42:51) how does your spouse receive it? Like, I love to be tickled. My spouse does not. He likes scratching. He does not like to be tickled. Like he's like, no. No, no, no, no. Don't do that, hon. I'm like, okay. Brynne Erickson (43:05) Yeah. Krystal McCort (43:05) Sorry. You know, but and How often do you need it? Have you ever talked about that? Have you ever talked about how often you expect these things? Have you talked about how to talk about your sub how to talk about sex with your spouse? Because that can be an awkward topic to bring up, you know, like that's pretty closely connected to the heartstrings of your person. Big time. Brynne Erickson (43:25) Yeah, it's it's fascinating to me that that that can be an awkward thing and yet it's such an like it's such a huge part of a relationship. Any intimate relationship and yet we can't even talk about it, which is fascinating to me. I'm trying to break that stigma too. So I'm glad that you are working on that with couples as well. Krystal McCort (43:45) Yeah, that one has that one was one of our funnest areas to talk about, actually. And we kind of avoided Brynne Erickson (43:49) Mm. Krystal McCort (43:50) it before we got married. But after we got married, it was fun to talk about like, okay, well, what do we expect? And and it's cool to see how that changes over time too, because that's one that we've revisited. And it and sorry, as I'm sitting here thinking, I'm going, we need to revisit this again. You know, because it's Brynne Erickson (44:07) Yeah. Krystal McCort (44:08) been a while since we've talked about how we talk about sex and what our expectations are, and and not just sex, but like Intimate contact and that kind of thing. So where where do you sit with that? How do you open up the conversation? And that one is hard because with intimacy specifically, there are a lot of feelings of rejection potential there. And so how do you deal with being rejected sexually? Because that happens. That was one of our biggest things. Was how what is the rule for how we handle our spouse saying no when we want it? And that was really kind of Intriguing to navigate that with him and go, okay, but we don't always want it at the same time. Brynne Erickson (44:48) Right. Krystal McCort (44:48) How how are we gonna both be okay with with not having sex? Because I, when we were first married, I was feeling big time rejected by him because he didn't want sex. I'm actually the higher sex drive partner in my marriage. Brynne Erickson (45:01) Okay. Krystal McCort (45:02) And so he like I want it far more often than he does. And my goodness, that has gotten much more intense as I have entered into like not having kids anymore. I was like, this is an interesting more shift. And my husband's like, yeah, it is. And he's like a little Brynne Erickson (45:20) Ha ha ha. Krystal McCort (45:21) scared, I think. But so it's been kind of funny because to navigate that and to go, okay, I'm really glad we have this baseline of this is how we're gonna bring this up. This is how I'm gonna feel if if he says no. You know, I'm gonna say, okay, sounds good. And I'm not allowed to get angry and cranky and be mad at him all day, you know, or whatever. So that was really fun to to go, okay, here's what our parameters are within our marriage. You know, like Brynne Erickson (45:52) Yeah. Krystal McCort (45:52) you can say no. And then we have to be okay to set up a time to go. Okay, but but because of this and this is why, because I like to get a reason from him like not just like a a shrugging off and being like, excuse me? What's this for? You know, you're walking out of our bedroom and you're leaving me. Excited to play with you and I get nothing rude, you know. So Brynne Erickson (46:13) Mm. Yeah. Krystal McCort (46:15) we set up a time to play and to have sex after like if one of us is not in the mood or and or not it like our brains just aren't there in that moment or whatever. So yeah. So that has been really cool to see that that like that gave me permission to not take sexual rejection personally. It's not that he doesn't like me, for my husband specifically. It's almost always that his brain is on work and he's just like, I have this huge project coming up, honey. I I can't think about anything else right now. My brain is on this and he is very much like one task at a time. Brynne Erickson (46:51) Yeah. Mm-hmm. Krystal McCort (46:52) And and I love that about him because he can focus so well on his stuff. But also then it's like, okay, he doesn't not love me. I'm not a terrible wife. I so I didn't it's not permit it gives me permission to not go into that like mental spiral of like, I'm the worst, you know. Brynne Erickson (47:09) Making it so personal. Krystal McCort (47:10) Yeah, so I don't take it personally. And then we set up a time so that we can have that sexual satisfaction. So which Brynne Erickson (47:16) Nice. Awesome. Krystal McCort (47:18) yeah, does not sound sexy as you're talking about it, like woo, scheduled sex time, you know, but sometimes you need that. Brynne Erickson (47:23) Yeah, but I think that's just again, is that and a realistic expectation within a marriage that sex time is always sexy, you know? That's just that's a way to get curious about it. Krystal McCort (47:36) True. So yeah, I'm and it's been it's really cool to set up dates for us to go and revisit our constitution. It's really fun to see how how we've grown throughout the years and and how our communication has changed and blossomed and some areas have regressed. Like we went through a long period where finances was not something that I felt safe talking about. And we're kind of barely coming out of that because it's like, okay, nope, we're okay now. I'm okay now to talk about this, you know, and and here's how we're gonna talk about it. Like, like for finances, we don't ever talk about finances when we're hungry. Unless we're talking about finances over dinner. Like because Brynne Erickson (48:20) Over food. Yeah. Krystal McCort (48:23) I'm not a nice person when I'm hungry with love or tired. And there are just certain times of night that I'm like, honey, we can't start a finances discussion at nine o'clock at night. It's just it's not gonna get us anywhere. So that's part of our that's one of our expectations and our rules is we Brynne Erickson (48:38) Yeah, that's great. Krystal McCort (48:39) don't start it at this time. We talk about like we start with a prayer when we talk about our finances so that we can invite that spirit in. And if it gets too like intense, we've agreed to step away. So that's our like basis of our financial like our pattern for communication about finances is this is what we follow, you know. Brynne Erickson (48:59) Yeah. Krystal McCort (49:00) yeah. Brynne Erickson (49:00) So great. Is there any best advice Krystal McCort (49:02) Mm-hmm. Brynne Erickson (49:03) that you can give to people in committed relationships? Krystal McCort (49:08) I think my best advice would be learn how to communicate vulnerability with your spouse. Because if you can be vulnerable and open with your spouse, then they won't take for granted what your feelings are. Brynne Erickson (49:23) How would you define vulnerability? Krystal McCort (49:26) I think that's really dependent on the person. And I know that's a terrible answer. I hate it when people give me that answer, like, thanks for nothing. Rude, you know, but it really does depend on the person, right? Because Brynne Erickson (49:38) Yeah. Krystal McCort (49:39) I think lots of times vulnerability harkens back to our old like childhood traumas and wounds, right? And for me, that looks a lot different than other people, you know. Like for him, specifically about money, he needs to be heard about money. And I didn't realize that that was connected to. His childhood of not being heard specifically about money, you know? And and I felt controlled with money. And I was like, wait a minute, I don't want to have to explain things to you. That really bothers me, you know? So for me to get vulnerable and have to explain to him why I'm buying this, that that for me is vulnerable. Because I'm like, whoa, you're gonna hear. why I want these things that I want. And I don't really want to tell you that because that's kind of personal to me sometimes, you know? So, and I want stuff that I'm like, you're gonna think I'm crazy. So that goes back to me being very s insecure about some stuff that I'm like, okay, I'm not crazy. I'm not a weirdo, or maybe I am and that's okay too, you know? So Brynne Erickson (50:41) Yeah, yeah, yeah. Krystal McCort (50:43) but so for me, finances are tied to worth. And that is, and I don't know why. I can't tell you why. I haven't delved that deeply into it yet, but it just is. So so for me that's that's really vulnerable is talking about why I want to spend my money on the things I want to spend it on with him. Brynne Erickson (51:02) Yeah. Yeah, vulnerability usually stems back to insecurities and honesty. And Krystal McCort (51:06) Mm-hmm. Yep. Brynne Erickson (51:09) typically trauma, like the hard things that weigh on us and h kind of hold us back in a way. No, that's really good. Krystal McCort (51:17) those traumas. And we all the cool part about this process too is that it does give you the chance to kind of heal from a lot of those wounds Brynne Erickson (51:24) I bet. Krystal McCort (51:25) because you get to communicate with your spouse about how to communicate about them. And honestly, Brynne Erickson (51:28) Yeah. You bring it to light. Krystal McCort (51:30) actually, I forgot about this, but one of my favorite topics that I like to talk to couples about. Maybe that's the wrong phrasing of this. One of my favorite things that I like to alert couples to is the concept of no go. Topics. Like there are some wounds that are just too deep to open up and discuss right now. And Brynne Erickson (51:50) Yeah. Krystal McCort (51:50) we call I call those no-go topics. And and those are different for every marriage. Like sometimes those are politics. If you don't see eye to eye on politics, that's an easy no-go topic. Religion could be an another, like if you're not of the same religion and religious credo, or if you're having questions religiously, that can get to be a no-go topic really quickly in a marriage. So And other ones are often childhood traumas. Like, do you want to open up this can of worms? Let's talk childhood trauma. You know? Woohoo! So but and parenting. Parenting is oftentimes a another hard topic for couples to talk about because because like you were saying earlier, sometimes it's like, wait a minute, you did what you handled this. What? What did you do? That's not at all how I would have handled that. And I have to remind myself to stay on my own page With letting him be the dad, you know? I'm not the dad, I'm the mom. And so I get to let him parent how he's gonna parent. And as long as he doesn't break our rules of parenting, then we're good, you know? But what are your parenting rules? That is very Brynne Erickson (52:54) There you go. Yeah. Krystal McCort (52:55) individualized to you as a couple, you know. So and that's important to talk about. Like, where are our boundaries? Are we are we spanking? Are we not spanking? Are we are we gonna tell our children why? When they ask, are we not? Are we going to or whatever, you know? So Brynne Erickson (53:12) Yes. Krystal McCort (53:13) that's one that oftentimes can open up some bigger feelings for parents is how am I gonna parent and do I want to be like my parents? Do I not want to be like my parents? What did my parents do right? What did my parents do wrong, in my opinion? Brynne Erickson (53:24) Yeah. Right. Mm-hmm. Krystal McCort (53:28) You know, because I love parents and I love my parents, but my personal theory is that every parent damages their child somehow. You just have to. Do the best you can. So yeah. Hey thanks. Brynne Erickson (53:37) Yeah. I think you said it perfectly. Like I've heard one of my favorite coaches, Jody Moore, she says, We're fifty percent good parents and we're fifty percent bad parents. We're human. Like there's no such you could even Krystal McCort (53:47) It's a really good way of looking at that. Brynne Erickson (53:50) be a ninety percent parent and your children could still think you're forty percent parent, right? Like everyone else is looking at you like they're amazing and they're kids like, they're the worst, right? So it's just there's no such thing as a perfect, loving, non harming parent in whatever way that is. We're all just doing our best. Krystal McCort (54:09) It's true. I've always said that, yeah, exactly. I've always said your kids are ha gonna have to go to therapy for something that you do to them. Like they will. It's just Brynne Erickson (54:15) Yeah. Yes. Krystal McCort (54:17) a matter of you communicating the fact that you're not perfect to them. It so, but how do you do that? Like the way my husband does that is a lot different than the way I do that. And and the way I do that looks and feels a lot different in different moments. Like, okay, well, how do we handle but what parenting is a really fun area to talk about actually because so much of parenting can be predetermined. Actually, which sounds really weird, but it can be like, how do we handle our kids in this situation? When our kid comes to us and says, Hey mom, my friends want to go drinking this weekend. How are we gonna handle that? When my kid comes to me and says, Hey mom, some kids were mean to me at school. How are you gonna handle that? When your kids come to you, comes to you and said, Hey dad, how do I do this? I don't know how to how to do this, like, or when they get in their first car wreck, they're gonna get in a car wreck. How are you gonna handle that as a parent? You know what I mean? Like Brynne Erickson (55:06) Yeah. Thinking of some scenarios. Yeah. Krystal McCort (55:06) So many situations in life can be predetermined as parents. And it's so parenting is kind of one of those, it's almost a magical area to write your constitution in because you can predetermine how you're gonna react to a lot of experiences and situations that you're like, of course this is gonna come up, you know, like yes, we're gonna deal with heartbreak. Our kids are gonna have their hearts broken, our kids are going to get in a car crash, our kids are gonna have sicknesses. Our kids are going to have, you know, da da da da da da. So yeah. It's kind of Brynne Erickson (55:40) Cool. Krystal McCort (55:40) cool to that's one of my favorite areas too is to go, okay, this is how we're gonna handle this, you know. Cause that one's a little Brynne Erickson (55:46) I Krystal McCort (55:47) bit more concrete and my my concrete brain prefers that. But but a lot Brynne Erickson (55:49) Mm-hmm. Krystal McCort (55:52) of life is not that way. So that's why that's why it's interesting to talk about like the kerfuffle formula. Like it's not some things that you're like, this is not a big deal, they will be a big deal to your spouse. So or and vice versa. Like he could bring flowers up to you and you're gonna be like, yeah, it's been ages since you got me flowers, honey. You know, or whatever. you know. So and he's like, I was just getting flowers, you know. So yeah. So it's important to see how they feel about it. But yeah, I love that I love the marriage of communication that can literally happen in a marriage constitution. It's really cool. So yeah. Brynne Erickson (56:31) Very cool. Well, Crystal, this has been very enlightening. how can people find you if they want to work with you or do you have any offers? Krystal McCort (56:40) I do actually. I am really excited because we are starting individual coaching with couples and we're also launching group coaching in a couple of months. So, but my individual coaching, you can find me on Facebook and Instagram at marriage constitution coaching. I am also available. I think my phone number is on there. It's on there. I'm pretty sure it's on there. Honestly, I'm old school, so just send me a message and we'll start working together. My website is not it's not functional yet. So it's under construction and it's not a pretty construction site. So we're not gonna go over there right this second. I'm sorry. But I would love to work with people. And yes, my current offer is that we do four coaching sessions. So we talk about your biggest issues that you're bugging you. Our first call isn't discovery call. So I get to know you and your spouse and go, okay. Sweet, let's talk about what are your things. Maybe it's that your husband is deployed and you have no clue how to reconnect after deployment. That's been one of my favorite issues to talk with couples about, actually, is how do I handle them like stepping away and coming back and stepping away and coming back? And how do they reintegrate into the family? What are the rules for that? That's been really cool. so yeah, we talk about what your primary areas are and then we go through your big three. over the next three sessions. So each session Brynne Erickson (57:59) Okay. Krystal McCort (57:59) is fifty minutes long And I would love to work with your people. So yeah. So Brynne Erickson (58:02) That's great. Okay. Well, we'll get all that information in the show notes. And thank you for your time, Crystal. Krystal McCort (58:08) Okay. Brynne Erickson (58:09) You're awesome. Krystal McCort (58:10) Thanks, Brynne. I appreciate ya.