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I Shut Up And Listened with Ryan T. Reicher · The Trauma Therapist

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  Speaker 1: Welcome to the Trauma Therapists podcast. My name is gymickperson.
• 0:04
  Speaker 1: I interview incredible people who've dedicated their lives to helping
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: those who've been impacted by trauma. A big thank you
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  Speaker 1: to our sponsors and our guests who are supporting this
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: show five four, three two and one, Our folks, welcome
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  Speaker 1: back to the podcast. Very excited tefis my guest today,
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  Speaker 1: Ryan T. Record Ryan welcome.
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  Speaker 2: Hey, Thanks guy, I really appreciate being here. Thank you
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  Speaker 2: so much.
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  Speaker 1: Awesome. Ryan is a retired US Army Lieutenant colonel, author, speaker, podcaster,
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  Speaker 1: and servant leader whose life spans more than four decades
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  Speaker 1: of leadership, struggle, and transformation. After twenty three years of
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  Speaker 1: military service, including airborne ranger and multiple combat deployments, Ryan
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  Speaker 1: transition into the Fortune five hundred world, gaining firsthand experience
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  Speaker 1: in corporate leadership and strategy. Central to his story, though,
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  Speaker 1: is his recovery from alcoholism and addiction, a journey that
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  Speaker 1: led him back to faith, clarified his purpose, and reshaped
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  Speaker 1: how he serves others today. He speaks openly about resilience, redemption,
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  Speaker 1: and what it means to rebuild a meaningful life after collapse. All, Ryan,
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  Speaker 1: just obviously a little bit about you before we could
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  Speaker 1: go and share with the listeners where you're from originally
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  Speaker 1: and where you are currently.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah. Absolutely. I grew up in a small town called Hoople,
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  Speaker 2: North Dakota. You wouldn't know it if you even maybe
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  Speaker 2: lived in the state of North Dakota. About three hundred Hoople. Yeah,
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  Speaker 2: Hoople Wow, Okay, Yeah, it's a slogan or token is
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  Speaker 2: a tatertown, USA. So it's a big farming community. And
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  Speaker 2: uh yeah today I live Northwest Metro Minneapolis, Minnesota. So
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  Speaker 2: it's a little town called Corcoran and uh yeah, just
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  Speaker 2: about thirty five minutes outside of downtown Minneapolis.
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  Speaker 1: So yeah, So US Army lieutenant colonel crazy, I mean
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  Speaker 1: airborne ranger, multiple deployments. How does all this unfold for you?
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  Speaker 1: When does how does this start? This journey?
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  Speaker 2: You know, it's really interesting, guy, because the other night
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  Speaker 2: I was watching G I Joe the movie with my
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  Speaker 2: youngest daughter, and you know, I was like, this was
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  Speaker 2: what I grew up playing with the action figures and
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  Speaker 2: my best friend Pat growing up, him and I would
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  Speaker 2: play army underneath his two evergreen trees in his front
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  Speaker 2: yard of his house and we'd ambush little old ladies
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  Speaker 2: walking by. You know, they couldn't see us. We're down
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  Speaker 2: underneath the trees, and it it was just that was something.
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  Speaker 2: You know. My dad a Vietnam veteran, My grandfather, both
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  Speaker 2: my grandfathers were World War two Navy, and so I
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  Speaker 2: don't know, you know, kind of you just you know,
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  Speaker 2: one of those things. I my second year in college,
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  Speaker 2: I was running out of money, and you know, it
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  Speaker 2: sounded like a good idea to head on down to
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  Speaker 2: ROTC and try to at least get an a in
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  Speaker 2: one of their classes. And then it just happened. I
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  Speaker 2: got a scholarship, and twenty three years later was a
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  Speaker 2: lieutenant colonel, retired, you know, living in Minnesota. So it's
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  Speaker 2: it all happened very fast, Probabe. Didn't seem like it
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  Speaker 2: at the time, but just kind of like anything else,
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  Speaker 2: one day at a time, like I'm living today, is
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  Speaker 2: probably how it worked. Getting the military, and it was
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  Speaker 2: a great journey, a lot of time away from the family,
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  Speaker 2: but you know, had great guys and gals to work
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  Speaker 2: with over the years, and you know, like anything else,
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  Speaker 2: I think it's the people that always keep us, you know,
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  Speaker 2: coming back to whatever we're into today. It doesn't matter,
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  Speaker 2: you know, what your profession is, you probably stick around
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  Speaker 2: for the people.
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  Speaker 1: So weird. And how does the addiction come into play?
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, let's start. You know, my dad's covering an alcoholic
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  Speaker 2: of forty plus years, and uh, you know I don't
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  Speaker 2: think that. You know, We're we go back and forth
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  Speaker 2: with this, you know, like as it was an environment
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  Speaker 2: and I'm like, well, my first six years and he
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  Speaker 2: wasn't around much. Uh So I really didn't see it
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  Speaker 2: per se in our household. But when I was twelve,
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  Speaker 2: I took my first drink, and you know, unfortunately I
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  Speaker 2: liked it. I mean, I got really sick. It was
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  Speaker 2: Jack Daniels and die coke stolen out of a friend's
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  Speaker 2: parents liquor cabinet. Uh. But you know, I went on
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  Speaker 2: a binge for thirty three years. You know, it wasn't
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  Speaker 2: like all the time. You know, throughout high school, I
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  Speaker 2: was injured in a football I tore my acl and
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  Speaker 2: my left knee and that kind of got me into
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  Speaker 2: the prescription drugs. So it was like, you know, not
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  Speaker 2: being part of the crowd of playing football and in
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  Speaker 2: sports that freshman year and part of my sophomore year
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  Speaker 2: high school. You know, I started hanging out with like
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  Speaker 2: those like you know, party and have a good time
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  Speaker 2: and things like that, and I think, uh, you know,
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  Speaker 2: it's over time and space. That's just what it became.
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  Speaker 2: And in the military, you know, it was in the infantry,
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  Speaker 2: so you know, we'd work hard and we'd play harder,
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  Speaker 2: and I think it was just kind of the norm,
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  Speaker 2: or maybe it was my norm, let's say, right, like
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  Speaker 2: not everybody you know like to burn, burn the town
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  Speaker 2: to the ground kind of thing. But where it really
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  Speaker 2: took root was as I knew my military career was
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  Speaker 2: coming to an end. You know, I wasn't uh, you know,
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  Speaker 2: on the path to you know, get promoted again and
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  Speaker 2: so on and so forth, and it was just time
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  Speaker 2: to transition. I think that's where some of the fear
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  Speaker 2: and the anxiety that I now was of, you know,
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  Speaker 2: what my life and identity had become. You know, we're
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  Speaker 2: in the uniform all those years. It was very comfortable,
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  Speaker 2: you know, living on a military installation and you know,
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  Speaker 2: having everyone around you that you know has been in
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  Speaker 2: the military as long as you have or longer, and uh,
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  Speaker 2: it just it was life. So when you know, we
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  Speaker 2: decided to retire kind of thing as a family. At
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  Speaker 2: that point, we were still a family. You know, I
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  Speaker 2: have two now adult children, uh and uh divorce today.
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  Speaker 2: But when I did retire, we were married. And it's uh,
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  Speaker 2: it's one where I think I just uh, I my
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  Speaker 2: myself was not working on my personal development to create
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  Speaker 2: the environment that I was able to at least survive
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  Speaker 2: in in the military. You know, physical fitness, you know,
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  Speaker 2: having the ability to see the next rank or strive
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  Speaker 2: for the next rank, and you know, corporate America for
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  Speaker 2: me personally, it just didn't fill that hole that I
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  Speaker 2: had inside of me. You know that it was making
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  Speaker 2: a lot of money. That was nice. Uh, but that
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  Speaker 2: didn't make me happy, right, It didn't bring me joy,
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  Speaker 2: didn't bring me peace. Uh. And I didn't really feel
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  Speaker 2: challenged like I did. You know. While I was in
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  Speaker 2: the military, it was just you know, great company that
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  Speaker 2: I worked for. It's just one where for me, it
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  Speaker 2: wasn't the fit I was looking for. And then I
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  Speaker 2: was fortunate enough that I was laid off a year
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  Speaker 2: and a half ago. Uh, And that's where I could
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  Speaker 2: transition into what I do today. And I'm very passionate
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  Speaker 2: about you know, my speaking, my writing and my coaching
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  Speaker 2: that I do. But there's so.
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  Speaker 1: Much let me let me just interrupt, interrupt you for
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  Speaker 1: a second. So how were you at what level were
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  Speaker 1: you able to survive and cope as this drinking was
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  Speaker 1: going on?
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean I think it was one. You know,
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  Speaker 2: when I reflect on it today, it's hard to believe
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  Speaker 2: how I did it, I guess because uh, you know,
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  Speaker 2: life's hard enough, like you know, when you're when it's
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  Speaker 2: what I'm doing right now. You know, I'm like happy,
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  Speaker 2: healthy and striving to make a difference in the world.
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  Speaker 2: But you know, how did I do it? You know?
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  Speaker 2: And I think it's a lot of the you know,
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  Speaker 2: the isolation, hiding it from the kids, from my former spouse,
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  Speaker 2: and you know, just white knuckling it, gritting your teeth,
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  Speaker 2: you know, getting through it. You know, if I reflect,
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  Speaker 2: you know, towards the end before so sobriety, you know,
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  Speaker 2: hit and the greatest thing that ever happened to me,
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  Speaker 2: you know, really reflecting on that is, yeah, I would
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  Speaker 2: be like everyone to go to bed at night and
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  Speaker 2: I'd go down to the basement and turn the football
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  Speaker 2: games on that you know, I've been recorded throughout the week,
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  Speaker 2: and you know, crack open some beers or I was
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  Speaker 2: a bourbon guy too, so it was one where you know,
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  Speaker 2: maybe it was a couple of beers and a couple
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  Speaker 2: of bourbons and you know, next thing, you know, you
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  Speaker 2: passed out and you do it all over again the
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  Speaker 2: next night, and so on and so forth, and you know,
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  Speaker 2: I mean I can see where that erodes a lot
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  Speaker 2: of things in your life, you know, like.
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  Speaker 1: Was it impacting your relationships?
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  Speaker 2: You know, that's the thing I reflect on the relationships.
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  Speaker 2: I think all the relationships I really had were pretty shallow,
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  Speaker 2: you know, and you know, there was all surface level
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  Speaker 2: you know, hey, let's go to a hockey game together.
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  Speaker 2: Hey let's go to a football game together. Let's go
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  Speaker 2: out and celebrate together. Kind of thing, you know, and
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  Speaker 2: it was never really you know, getting to know the
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  Speaker 2: people that were in my life. You know, we weren't
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  Speaker 2: serving together to have to go on a one year
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  Speaker 2: deployment and not know if we'd come back, you know
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  Speaker 2: kind of thing where he maybe had some real hard
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  Speaker 2: conversations like we did in the military. And then yeah,
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  Speaker 2: I mean my you know, former spouse and I like
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  Speaker 2: obviously I just talked about you know, between my last
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  Speaker 2: deployment and twenty nineteen to twenty so being gone that
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  Speaker 2: year then returning, and there were some things that happened
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  Speaker 2: that decisions we made, you know, where I was, the
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  Speaker 2: job that I was going to do post retirement, and
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  Speaker 2: where we're going to live. We did one hundred and
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  Speaker 2: eighty grade turn. I didn't believe I'd ever be retiring
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  Speaker 2: in Minnesota kind of thing when I left North Dakota
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  Speaker 2: and I don't know, two thousand and two, I didn't
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  Speaker 2: think i'd ever you know, permanently move back to the
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  Speaker 2: northern Midwest. But it's one where I think, you know,
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  Speaker 2: I had the tendency to to stuff my feelings into
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  Speaker 2: the bottom of a sack and just keep stuffing them,
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  Speaker 2: and that in itself created a lot of resentment towards
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  Speaker 2: my former spouse, even my children because for so many years,
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  Speaker 2: like as a family, we made the decisions. But you know,
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  Speaker 2: I guess sooner or later you break, and you know
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  Speaker 2: I did, and so that in itself, it's taken a
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  Speaker 2: couple of years to you know, rekindle those relationships, build
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  Speaker 2: the trust back with my children.
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  Speaker 1: When you say you broke, what were the instances?
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, so I think, yeah, reflecting on just moral character,
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  Speaker 2: you know, like I started going to strip clubs and
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  Speaker 2: you know, talking to other women towards the tail end,
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  Speaker 2: you know, last six months before you know, basically sobriety
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  Speaker 2: hit and then separation thereafter, and then divorce. You know,
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  Speaker 2: it's just a lot of things that I was becoming,
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  Speaker 2: you know, just a monster if I really look back
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  Speaker 2: on it, you know, And that's the thing today, it's
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  Speaker 2: hard to believe that that was me, you know kind
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  Speaker 2: of thing. And I take full accountability and the responsibility
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  Speaker 2: of who I was as a father, as a husband,
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  Speaker 2: as a leader, you know, and what you know, where
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  Speaker 2: did I, you know, fall fall off of everything? Right?
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  Speaker 2: And then the impacts that you have to all those
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  Speaker 2: relationships like you're bringing up or whatever around you kind
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  Speaker 2: of erode or dissolve in itself.
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  Speaker 1: So towards the when you quote unquote broke that that
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  Speaker 1: period of time you started going to strip clubs or
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  Speaker 1: talking to other women. Was this over a period of months, weeks, years?
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  Speaker 1: Was it a I mean, at what point were you like,
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  Speaker 1: something's got to freaking change.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, I think you know, it was November of you know,
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  Speaker 2: twenty twenty three, so over two years ago now, and uh,
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  Speaker 2: you know, it was the first time in my relationship
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  Speaker 2: where you know, I literally conduct conducted committed adultrey physically.
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  Speaker 1: You know.
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  Speaker 2: I mean I might always had you know, uh fantasies
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  Speaker 2: and so forth, but you know I did. I was
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  Speaker 2: on match dot Com and I was searching for other
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  Speaker 2: women while I'm still married, not telling the truth to
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  Speaker 2: my spouse. And you know, uh, literally the day after
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  Speaker 2: that that happened, I went to my first AA meeting
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  Speaker 2: and that is where everything in my life's changed, uh completely.
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  Speaker 2: And what happened at that meeting, you know, it was
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  Speaker 2: really interesting. I don't have my journal in front of me,
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  Speaker 2: but in that I wrote, you know, to finally become honest, uh,
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  Speaker 2: to tell the truth, to become a man, to become
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  Speaker 2: a good man. And you know, in that I just
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  Speaker 2: I shut up and listened for the first time in
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  Speaker 2: my life and just was like present and responsive to
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  Speaker 2: you know, the wisdom that was in the room at
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  Speaker 2: the time where I was at. And then they challenged
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  Speaker 2: me to come back next week. And what I did
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  Speaker 2: is I basically, you know, went to a meeting every
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  Speaker 2: day for the first ninety days of my sobriety. And
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  Speaker 2: you know, been continue to go back ever since, and
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  Speaker 2: it's it's been just such an amazing journey in transformation.
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  Speaker 2: Just continue to rebuild my life one day at a time,
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  Speaker 2: because the life as I knew it, or the life
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  Speaker 2: that I built, you know, was burnt up. And you know,
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  Speaker 2: granted it took a lot of days to get to
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  Speaker 2: where we were at, you know, where it ended. But
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  Speaker 2: at the same time, you know, a lot of it
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  Speaker 2: was probably built on me believing what perfection should look like,
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  Speaker 2: or a marriage should look like, or you know, any
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  Speaker 2: relationship that I had should look like. And now today
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  Speaker 2: I realized that, you know, that brutal honesty is what
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  Speaker 2: gets us to the core of everything we do. And
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  Speaker 2: so for me, my circles really small these days. I mean,
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  Speaker 2: there's a lot of people in each circle I run in,
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  Speaker 2: but like the people that are really in my life,
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  Speaker 2: it's pretty small today. Just knowing that I want to
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  Speaker 2: have meaningful conversations, you know, I want my relationships with
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  Speaker 2: other people to not be just surface level chit chat
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  Speaker 2: and hey, how you doing, you know, I want I
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  Speaker 2: want to solve world hunger with people kind of thing,
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  Speaker 2: because what's the point of all this if we're not
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  Speaker 2: really making a difference.
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  Speaker 1: First of all, I just want to say I really
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  Speaker 1: appreciate you coming on here and sharing what you're sharing,
• 14:44
  Speaker 1: because you could easily have omitted several details you shared,
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  Speaker 1: and this interview could have gone on. Instead, you spoke
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: from your heart and and and honestly, and that I
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: think takes a lot of guts to do what do
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  Speaker 1: you feel, I mean, to go to be in the service,
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: to do what you were doing. I am not in
• 15:11
  Speaker 1: the service, my brother and father were, but I mean
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  Speaker 1: that that is such an intense environment. It's life or
• 15:19
  Speaker 1: death literally, And you talked about the camaraderie. Do you
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  Speaker 1: feel that is often the case when a lot of
• 15:28
  Speaker 1: people get out, there's a feeling of displacement, of emptiness.
• 15:35
  Speaker 1: Was that what in part you were feeding with or
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  Speaker 1: covering up with the alcohol?
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  Speaker 2: I mean, it certainly could be. I mean I know
• 15:43
  Speaker 2: that you know today, I mean I can fit in
• 15:46
  Speaker 2: anywhere and realize it was ow as a me problem,
• 15:49
  Speaker 2: you know, kind of thing like wherever, you know, even
• 15:52
  Speaker 2: in the military, right if you don't fit in or
• 15:55
  Speaker 2: you know you feel it, like you know, as we
• 15:57
  Speaker 2: go through different units, there's different times like where how
• 16:01
  Speaker 2: do I put it, you're not the specific like playing tetris, right,
• 16:06
  Speaker 2: perfect a perfect fit in each organization that you go into,
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  Speaker 2: because it's slightly different as things change. And you know,
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  Speaker 2: if you're in an operational assignment and so on and
• 16:14
  Speaker 2: so forth, which I would label that is like it's cool,
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  Speaker 2: you're kicking the door, you're blowing stuff up, it's really
• 16:19
  Speaker 2: fun and all that versus like a more strategic assignment
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  Speaker 2: where you're sitting at a desk or you're around big
• 16:28
  Speaker 2: army as i'd call it, and you have a lot
• 16:30
  Speaker 2: of the other branches. I was infantry. You know, there's
• 16:32
  Speaker 2: fifteen other branches and so forth. Nothing against any of them,
• 16:37
  Speaker 2: but it's just that dynamic. Right, where are you comfortable?
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  Speaker 2: Where do you fit in best? And over time and space.
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  Speaker 2: I think that's the whole point of life, is finally
• 16:45
  Speaker 2: becoming uncomfortable, to be comfortable and understanding that's where the
• 16:50
  Speaker 2: greatest change exists. And that's like where our greatest development
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  Speaker 2: actually comes from is being uncomfortable. So learning how to
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  Speaker 2: be comfortably comfortable and that you know, over time and space.
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  Speaker 2: I mean I certainly learned, but I think I didn't
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  Speaker 2: really realize it when it comes to interaction with people,
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  Speaker 2: you know, because like before in life, I could never
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  Speaker 2: have this conversation with you kind of thing. And it's
• 17:14
  Speaker 2: in that just brutal honesty that the greatest good comes from.
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  Speaker 2: Because I know today being vulnerable, being honest, being authentic, Like,
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  Speaker 2: there's so many blessings and there's so many good things
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  Speaker 2: that come from that. Because one I'm healing myself. It's
• 17:33
  Speaker 2: like therapy almost by being able to share it. Once again,
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  Speaker 2: I don't like talking about it because you know, just
• 17:40
  Speaker 2: like before, you know, before I was twelve and started
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  Speaker 2: drinking and lying and stuff like that, like I was,
• 17:46
  Speaker 2: you know, I believe a good little boy kind of thing,
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  Speaker 2: and like you know, today, I believe I'm a good
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  Speaker 2: man because I won't lie or sugarcoat anything anymore. Whatever happens,
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  Speaker 2: it could be the littlest white lie, you know kind
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  Speaker 2: of thing. It just it erodes from there, and that dynamic,
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  Speaker 2: I think, Yeah, like transitioning out of the military, I
• 18:06
  Speaker 2: think for me in the moment where I was at,
• 18:08
  Speaker 2: I was just very insecure, going okay, yeah, I got
• 18:13
  Speaker 2: twenty three years of great military leadership experience on and
• 18:16
  Speaker 2: so forth. But in a corporate environment, I felt like
• 18:19
  Speaker 2: I was brand new out of high school, college, whatever,
• 18:23
  Speaker 2: and not realizing that, you know what, none of us
• 18:26
  Speaker 2: have this figured out. You know, it's the first day
• 18:28
  Speaker 2: of doing X job or the tenth day wherever we're
• 18:31
  Speaker 2: at along the line, and you know, not that we're
• 18:34
  Speaker 2: just continuing to make stuff up, but we're all having
• 18:37
  Speaker 2: those insecurities certain days of the week. You know, we
• 18:40
  Speaker 2: might not want to get up and put our best
• 18:42
  Speaker 2: foot forward. And yeah, to me, I think now it's
• 18:47
  Speaker 2: just realizing that that's what we're all going through. And
• 18:49
  Speaker 2: I want to now just share with people that hey, like,
• 18:52
  Speaker 2: you're not the only one that doesn't have figured out,
• 18:55
  Speaker 2: and you know, we're doing the best we can, so
• 18:57
  Speaker 2: let's at least do it in such a way where
• 18:59
  Speaker 2: we help each o they're out as we go through it.
• 19:01
  Speaker 2: You know, it's not a competition.
• 19:04
  Speaker 1: Let me just remind everyone. Speaking with Ryan Reickert, the
• 19:08
  Speaker 1: book is called God Only Knows When the Devil comes
• 19:10
  Speaker 1: for you with Second Chance at Life. When Ryan, when
• 19:13
  Speaker 1: you were in AA, how we talk about how things
• 19:17
  Speaker 1: were progressing for you and evolving for you. What what
• 19:22
  Speaker 1: were you learning about yourself and when did you get
• 19:24
  Speaker 1: to a point where you were like, I want to
• 19:29
  Speaker 1: start helping other people sharing my story.
• 19:33
  Speaker 2: Yeah. You know, I always been somebody that like jots
• 19:40
  Speaker 2: are not journals, but jots. I mean, I got my
• 19:42
  Speaker 2: little in front of me. And even if it just
• 19:44
  Speaker 2: says like, you know, this next book I'm working on,
• 19:48
  Speaker 2: I've got a few notes in it, but uh, I
• 19:51
  Speaker 2: think in that like with AA, even like when i'd
• 19:54
  Speaker 2: go to meetings, you know, and keep this anonymous. You know,
• 19:56
  Speaker 2: I'm not part of the anonymous side of things because
• 19:59
  Speaker 2: I want to share with folks, because I think that's
• 20:01
  Speaker 2: what's helped me the most, is just having the ability
• 20:04
  Speaker 2: to talk about things. Is you know, the understanding of
• 20:08
  Speaker 2: like getting your thoughts on paper, whatever it looks like.
• 20:11
  Speaker 2: You know, like I said, I wrote down seven hundred
• 20:14
  Speaker 2: and fifty some days ago, you know, to become a
• 20:16
  Speaker 2: good man, you know, to tell the truth, to be honest.
• 20:19
  Speaker 2: And you know, as I reflect on that, it probably
• 20:23
  Speaker 2: wasn't until well, I take that back. I did start
• 20:29
  Speaker 2: teaching sixth grade boys at church last year, so that
• 20:32
  Speaker 2: would have been what August September of last year. So
• 20:36
  Speaker 2: along the way over the last two years, I don't
• 20:39
  Speaker 2: specifically know when it started, you know, but yeah, I
• 20:43
  Speaker 2: wanted to start giving back to the community. It just
• 20:45
  Speaker 2: was one of those that the people that had helped
• 20:47
  Speaker 2: me in the beginning through it all, and you know,
• 20:51
  Speaker 2: because I'd share at church in our church groups and
• 20:54
  Speaker 2: different things, and I joined a men's Bible study and
• 20:56
  Speaker 2: so forth. But I wasn't that way before, you know,
• 20:59
  Speaker 2: like I had kind of gone and through the wasteland
• 21:02
  Speaker 2: of you know, raising two girls, and we made sure that,
• 21:04
  Speaker 2: you know, all the things they're supposed to. They were baptized,
• 21:07
  Speaker 2: they were confirmed, you know, they've had their first Holy
• 21:09
  Speaker 2: Communion and all these things. But like in between we
• 21:11
  Speaker 2: probably you know, how often do we go to church.
• 21:14
  Speaker 2: I certainly didn't you know, show them what it looks
• 21:16
  Speaker 2: like to read the Bible, you know, on a you know,
• 21:18
  Speaker 2: everyday basis, or you know enough to understand that this
• 21:21
  Speaker 2: is where I'm getting some of my wisdom from. And
• 21:25
  Speaker 2: you know, today that's all I can see doing is helping,
• 21:28
  Speaker 2: you know, doing the next right best thing and helping
• 21:30
  Speaker 2: everybody out, knowing that it's so hard like when we're
• 21:34
  Speaker 2: going through stuff. I mean, it's the holiday season, you know,
• 21:37
  Speaker 2: for me, it's Merry Christmas. But I got it a
• 21:38
  Speaker 2: lot of people say happy holidays, cause it's a struggle
• 21:41
  Speaker 2: to say Merry Christmas these days. The world changes. But yeah,
• 21:45
  Speaker 2: I just don't want people to suffer like I did,
• 21:47
  Speaker 2: you know, I like our feelings is one of those
• 21:50
  Speaker 2: that you know, our emotions create the feelings that cause
• 21:54
  Speaker 2: us to possibly drink drug you know, as I you know,
• 22:00
  Speaker 2: moved each substance from my life, I found myself. You know,
• 22:03
  Speaker 2: this is what it looked like. It was alcohol, you know, drugs, uh, nicotine, caffeine,
• 22:12
  Speaker 2: you know. Now it's Ben and Jerry's, you know, sugar,
• 22:14
  Speaker 2: the last evils, you know, the most evil, one of
• 22:17
  Speaker 2: evil ones. But like if I find myself, you know,
• 22:19
  Speaker 2: in an emotion that creates a feeling, you know I do,
• 22:22
  Speaker 2: I might find myself across the street at the grocery store,
• 22:25
  Speaker 2: you know, getting you know whatever, where they little pint
• 22:28
  Speaker 2: to Ben and Jerry's. And so that we all have that, right,
• 22:33
  Speaker 2: We're all human and we all have feelings. And how
• 22:37
  Speaker 2: do we react to that? And is it you know,
• 22:40
  Speaker 2: do we yell at someone? Do I get mad at guy?
• 22:43
  Speaker 2: You know kind of thing? Because you said this and
• 22:45
  Speaker 2: oh my goodness, how could you ever say such a thing.
• 22:47
  Speaker 2: And you know that I want to like dress you down.
• 22:51
  Speaker 2: Now I realized the coolest thing about it is just
• 22:54
  Speaker 2: to pause and just go like, Okay, is this a
• 22:59
  Speaker 2: me problem? Is this me? Or is this them? And
• 23:03
  Speaker 2: if it's them, that makes it really easy, you know
• 23:05
  Speaker 2: it is. How did you?
• 23:07
  Speaker 1: But but how did you? I mean right now you're
• 23:12
  Speaker 1: obviously you have a lot of self awareness. Was this
• 23:16
  Speaker 1: always there and just shoved down?
• 23:21
  Speaker 2: Yeah? I mean I think I was. I was an assessor,
• 23:24
  Speaker 2: and I don't think I realized until my oldest daughter,
• 23:28
  Speaker 2: Lauren was one. She would sit on the playground like
• 23:31
  Speaker 2: up on like the jungle gym set thing and none
• 23:33
  Speaker 2: of the kids were around her, and she would just
• 23:35
  Speaker 2: check everybody out. And so she's soon to be twenty here,
• 23:39
  Speaker 2: So this would have been, you know, seventeen years ago.
• 23:42
  Speaker 2: So it does date me back to being about thirty.
• 23:45
  Speaker 2: And you know, I'm like, that was me I was
• 23:48
  Speaker 2: in life, like when I would go to a new
• 23:50
  Speaker 2: unit or even when I, you know, had my corporate job.
• 23:53
  Speaker 2: I was somebody who you know, did like a thirty
• 23:56
  Speaker 2: sixty day assessment before I'd ever change, you know, how
• 24:01
  Speaker 2: things were executed. That didn't mean though, that how did
• 24:04
  Speaker 2: I communicate that? How did I carry myself? I mean,
• 24:07
  Speaker 2: all those things, I don't remember what type of you know,
• 24:12
  Speaker 2: was I cool hand? Luke? I mean I've talked to
• 24:14
  Speaker 2: a few buddies in the last six months, and when
• 24:17
  Speaker 2: they ask how I'm doing, you know, I start telling
• 24:20
  Speaker 2: them where I've been since, you know, ten years ago
• 24:22
  Speaker 2: or whatever, and they're like, wow, I wish I would
• 24:25
  Speaker 2: have known. And so obviously I did hide it, cover
• 24:29
  Speaker 2: it up, stuff it down. I'm sure the girls at
• 24:33
  Speaker 2: home though, would all say, you know, there's definitely times Dad,
• 24:36
  Speaker 2: like you lost your stuff, like or you know, you
• 24:38
  Speaker 2: were kicking the trash can in the backyard or what.
• 24:42
  Speaker 2: You know. I suspect I did a very good job
• 24:45
  Speaker 2: looking you know, Captain America out in society, and you know,
• 24:49
  Speaker 2: the burning village once I came home, you know, and
• 24:53
  Speaker 2: I'm sure there was, you know, the verbal abuse or
• 24:56
  Speaker 2: the emotional abuse at times, you know, with my frustrations.
• 25:00
  Speaker 2: You know, I see the videos of you know, like
• 25:02
  Speaker 2: the dads and the garage and something happens they punch
• 25:04
  Speaker 2: a hole in the wall. You know, did I ever
• 25:07
  Speaker 2: do that? I Mean, I don't remember, but you know,
• 25:11
  Speaker 2: I certainly know that that's not how I, you know,
• 25:14
  Speaker 2: carry myself today and thinking about you know, everything's just
• 25:19
  Speaker 2: there's a process to it, the ability to you know,
• 25:22
  Speaker 2: like even in traffic, you know, that's like the last
• 25:24
  Speaker 2: thing most people talk about is oh no, I still
• 25:27
  Speaker 2: get in the car and you know, I get upset
• 25:29
  Speaker 2: when the person cuts me off or whatever. And now
• 25:32
  Speaker 2: I always look at it as just like if I
• 25:34
  Speaker 2: was the person before, is they got something going on
• 25:39
  Speaker 2: that's more important than anything else in the world and
• 25:42
  Speaker 2: we don't know what it is. I mean, it could
• 25:43
  Speaker 2: literally be their kids in the hospital, which would be
• 25:46
  Speaker 2: terrible and they're heading that way, or you know, they're
• 25:49
  Speaker 2: just that self absorbed currently because they haven't fallen and
• 25:54
  Speaker 2: have their absolute life rearranged in such a way that
• 25:58
  Speaker 2: you know, it's time to start reft and going through
• 26:01
  Speaker 2: the healing process. Is what it is, you know, it's
• 26:04
  Speaker 2: becoming that person that your six year old self would
• 26:10
  Speaker 2: be so proud of, because like, I can protect that
• 26:13
  Speaker 2: six year old little boy today And I get emotional
• 26:15
  Speaker 2: about that because I think that's where I was at
• 26:20
  Speaker 2: a lot of my life where I never spoke up
• 26:22
  Speaker 2: for how, you know, whatever was going on in my life.
• 26:26
  Speaker 2: How did it make me feel? And you know, today
• 26:29
  Speaker 2: I can go like, excuse me, hello, Like I do
• 26:33
  Speaker 2: get a vote in this I do have a voice.
• 26:37
  Speaker 2: But now today I want to have a voice for
• 26:40
  Speaker 2: others out there, you know, who suffer from similar experiences
• 26:44
  Speaker 2: or you know, similar decisions. We made the decisions, and uh,
• 26:49
  Speaker 2: you know you have to live with the consequences in
• 26:51
  Speaker 2: such a way that what do you want to do
• 26:54
  Speaker 2: about it? Is what I would question most people.
• 26:57
  Speaker 1: Then the book, How did the book come about?
• 27:02
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's really wild. Since we're coming up on a year.
• 27:07
  Speaker 2: So I started Our Protector LLC about a year and
• 27:11
  Speaker 2: two days ago. So we're in the middle of December,
• 27:13
  Speaker 2: as obviously we shoot this, but it was the thirtieth
• 27:18
  Speaker 2: of December and my mom was visiting for Christmas. She
• 27:21
  Speaker 2: still lives back in North Dakota, so it's kind of
• 27:23
  Speaker 2: fun every once in a while now to go visitor
• 27:25
  Speaker 2: back in small town USA. And she's like, well, what
• 27:29
  Speaker 2: do you want to do today? And I was like, hey,
• 27:31
  Speaker 2: I got these notes in this book, my notebook. I
• 27:34
  Speaker 2: kind of wanted to just put in a word document
• 27:36
  Speaker 2: and she's like okay, And well, I was sitting down
• 27:39
  Speaker 2: behind my desk. I got an email from my lawyer.
• 27:43
  Speaker 2: We'd been going through almost a year of the divorce proceedings,
• 27:46
  Speaker 2: and it's like, you know, hey, here's your final divorce
• 27:50
  Speaker 2: to crease, signed off by the judge. And I was like,
• 27:53
  Speaker 2: at least we don't have to go into the new year,
• 27:55
  Speaker 2: you know, still not a divorce kind of thing. And
• 27:57
  Speaker 2: I just started writing what I had jotted down, what
• 28:00
  Speaker 2: I had taken, like some pictures of like, you know,
• 28:02
  Speaker 2: different signs, like you know that I'd come across different quotes,
• 28:07
  Speaker 2: and you know, I don't know how many words, you know.
• 28:11
  Speaker 2: It was like all day I was in the office
• 28:13
  Speaker 2: just typing. My mom wame check on me every few hours,
• 28:15
  Speaker 2: you know, all right, you want some lunch. You know,
• 28:17
  Speaker 2: I'm good, Like I'm just gonna keep plugging away. And
• 28:21
  Speaker 2: I would say, you know, in that day, probably wrote
• 28:23
  Speaker 2: about two thirds of the first book. Yeah, God only
• 28:26
  Speaker 2: knows when the devil comes to you a second chance
• 28:27
  Speaker 2: of life. And that would have taken me, you know,
• 28:31
  Speaker 2: thirteen months into sobriety. It would have taken me a
• 28:36
  Speaker 2: year of divorce. I'd lost, you know, the job, My kids,
• 28:43
  Speaker 2: my oldest was kind of in my life, my youngest
• 28:46
  Speaker 2: was like, I need some time to ad like you
• 28:49
  Speaker 2: kind of really disrupted what I believe my last couple
• 28:53
  Speaker 2: of years in high school were going to look like,
• 28:55
  Speaker 2: you know, so on and so forth, and I get
• 28:57
  Speaker 2: that today's a great day. She's back in my life.
• 29:01
  Speaker 2: I said goodbye to her this morning before she went
• 29:03
  Speaker 2: to school, because she lives with me. You know, half
• 29:05
  Speaker 2: the time, you realize what's really important in life when
• 29:12
  Speaker 2: you lose all the things that were really important to you,
• 29:17
  Speaker 2: but they weren't important to excuse me at the time,
• 29:20
  Speaker 2: because you know, you were hiding whatever your your demons were,
• 29:26
  Speaker 2: you know whatever. I believe there's spiritual warfare at play always,
• 29:32
  Speaker 2: and there's family and generational trauma, curses, whatever you want
• 29:36
  Speaker 2: to call it. That someone's got a fight. And I
• 29:40
  Speaker 2: guess I was the one that was strong enough to
• 29:42
  Speaker 2: take on those dragons. And it's good though, because I
• 29:48
  Speaker 2: can tell the world about them, and you know, maybe
• 29:50
  Speaker 2: the girls don't have to go through them, because you know,
• 29:53
  Speaker 2: my dad, he beat alcohol, but there was a lot
• 29:55
  Speaker 2: of other things that he was not forthcoming about in life.
• 30:00
  Speaker 2: And to learn them, you know, while you're going through
• 30:04
  Speaker 2: your own divorce kind of thing. It's like not that
• 30:06
  Speaker 2: it would have changed how you know, right, Like it
• 30:08
  Speaker 2: wouldn't change any of it. But it was just really
• 30:11
  Speaker 2: interesting to have certain discussions about you know, infidelity and
• 30:16
  Speaker 2: practices you know throughout the lineage of maybe you know
• 30:19
  Speaker 2: our families pasts, you know kind of thing. And so
• 30:23
  Speaker 2: you know, it's like, hey, you know, if if you
• 30:26
  Speaker 2: can do certain things in life, but you're not strong
• 30:29
  Speaker 2: enough to talk about them like after the fact, like
• 30:32
  Speaker 2: really really start to look in the mirror and ask yourself,
• 30:36
  Speaker 2: you know, your time while we are on earth here,
• 30:39
  Speaker 2: like what do you want it to look like? Because
• 30:41
  Speaker 2: everybody gets a choice in how they respond to those actions.
• 30:46
  Speaker 2: And maybe I believed that, you know, our marriage was
• 30:49
  Speaker 2: strong enough to last through anything, you know, and it's hey,
• 30:54
  Speaker 2: you know, you know everybody gets a vote kind of
• 30:56
  Speaker 2: and so yeah, those dynamics today is realizing that but
• 31:00
  Speaker 2: also realizing that it's whatever comes of it is for
• 31:03
  Speaker 2: the greatest good, you know, no matter what that looks like,
• 31:05
  Speaker 2: because you can reinvent yourself.
• 31:08
  Speaker 1: Love it all, right, Ryan, As we close out here,
• 31:10
  Speaker 1: how do people learn more about you, learn more about
• 31:13
  Speaker 1: the book. What's the best way?
• 31:14
  Speaker 2: Yeah? Absolutely, I think the best hub is our Protector
• 31:17
  Speaker 2: Development dot com, so that's oh R Protectordevelopment dot com.
• 31:21
  Speaker 2: And then any social media if you're into that, Ryan
• 31:24
  Speaker 2: t Reiker, or I joke about my original Yahoo dot
• 31:28
  Speaker 2: com email account as an army art in nineteen seventy eight,
• 31:32
  Speaker 2: which has become kind of that vanity plate on some
• 31:36
  Speaker 2: of my initial first social media, so that still kind
• 31:39
  Speaker 2: of exists in a couple of them out there. But yeah,
• 31:41
  Speaker 2: Ryan Tiker, you should be able to find me anywhere
• 31:43
  Speaker 2: you're looking. In the book now, it's books. There's three
• 31:47
  Speaker 2: books that you can get on any of the Worldwide
• 31:52
  Speaker 2: Web places you get books, Barnesmoble dot Comamazon dot com, Target, Walmart,
• 31:58
  Speaker 2: wherever you buy your books. Some people actually do the library.
• 32:01
  Speaker 1: Still, we'll have each of those linked up here at
• 32:05
  Speaker 1: the show notes page at the Trauma Therapists Podcast dot com.
• 32:08
  Speaker 1: Ryan inspiring Man, really appreciate you being here.
• 32:12
  Speaker 2: Thank you guys. It's so very much us without you,
• 32:15
  Speaker 2: like I'm not here, So thank you.
• 32:17
  Speaker 1: Appreciate it. Take care,