Latest / Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers / 124: Less is More: Simplifying Communication for Better Understanding

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124: Less is More: Simplifying Communication for Better Understanding · Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers

• 0:20
  Well, hello and welcome back.
• 0:21
  My name is MaryAnn Walker and I am the life coach for and paths and highly sensitive people.
• 0:26
  And last week on the podcast, we talked about the three different types of empathizers.
• 0:32
  This includes, um, cognitive empathy, highly sensitive people and empaths.
• 0:36
  And today I'm going to be talking about something that shows up when there is a difference in types of empathy when we're just in different spaces and relate to the world differently.
• 0:46
  So, if you haven't listened to that episode, go ahead and give it a listen.
• 0:50
  But today we're going to be addressing an issue that is pretty common in relationships when people empathize differently.
• 0:56
  And this does not matter what kind of empathizer you are.
• 0:59
  If it's different from how the other person empathizes or understands, then this is a trap that is really easy to fall into when you're wanting to feel truly heard.
• 1:09
  And this big trap that we all fall into at one point or another.
• 1:12
  Is the trap of overexplaining in an attempt to be understood..
• 1:16
  We think that if we just add a lot of context, then the other personal understand.
• 1:21
  But I want you to think for a moment that you were just in a foreign country and you want to know what side of the street it is that you need to be driving on in that country.
• 1:30
  And somebody is coming up to you and you are kind of familiar with their language, but there's a little bit of a language barrier there.
• 1:36
  And so that's already a bit of a challenge, but then when you ask them what side of the road you should be driving on in this country?
• 1:42
  Then they just start going off and telling you a whole story about why they drive on a certain side of the road and all of the cultural differences between our country and their country.
• 1:52
  And so many different things can be lost in translation.
• 1:56
  They think that by adding a lot of contexts that they're adding clarity, but this is actually adding more confusion, right?
• 2:01
  If this were me in that country, I just need to know what side of the road I need to be driving on so that I can get to where it is that I want to go safely.
• 2:10
  And the same is true for us when we are communicating with somebody that understands differently.
• 2:15
  We just want to figure out what is it that I need to know in order for us to both get to where it is that we would like to go safely.
• 2:22
  When an empath or a highly sensitive person is in relationship with somebody who is a cognitive empathizer, then it can be a challenge to communicate.
• 2:29
  And sometimes because we know that their mind works differently, or maybe because we don't want there to be any room for misunderstanding, then our tendency is to share a lot of information.
• 2:41
  And we think that this is making things more clear, but sometimes it can actually prevent us from getting our messaging across.
• 2:49
  So, for example, maybe you were late showing up for a meetup.
• 2:53
  So overexplaining might look like this.
• 2:55
  Oh, I'm really sorry.
• 2:56
  I'm late.
• 2:56
  The traffic was terrible because there was an accident on the highway.
• 2:59
  Oh my goodness.
• 3:00
  It was so scary.
• 3:01
  You should've seen them.
• 3:01
  There was stuff everywhere.
• 3:02
  Involved, a mail truck.
• 3:03
  So packages are everywhere.
• 3:05
  It's going to take them forever to clean that up.
• 3:07
  And then I missed my turn because I was trying to avoid traffic and I didn't want to run over somebody's package.
• 3:12
  And then I had to find an alternate route to get there, which took me through several residential areas.
• 3:16
  So as you know, the speed limit is way lower in the residential areas.
• 3:20
  And there were a lot of traffic lights as I was going through there too.
• 3:23
  Plus I had to stop for gas because all these detours now I was low on fuel.
• 3:27
  And so it was really crowded at the gas station.
• 3:30
  Cause everybody's being rerouted because of this accident.
• 3:33
  And then I couldn't find parking once I got here.
• 3:35
  So I had to park a few blocks away and walk over.
• 3:38
  And I mean, I know that I probably should have left earlier, but I was getting caught up, you know, finishing up some work.
• 3:43
  That was really important to me.
• 3:44
  I didn't mean to keep you waiting.
• 3:45
  And I hope they weren't too inconvenienced.
• 3:47
  Whew.
• 3:48
  How's that feel for you?
• 3:51
  somebody listening to this?
• 3:52
  Yeah.
• 3:52
  They're now going to have a more clear idea as to what the traffic is like right now.
• 3:57
  And they're going to know where every single pile up is and how the traffic was redirected.
• 4:02
  But the messaging that, Hey, I'm sorry, that I was late is lost.
• 4:06
  In fact, it might feel a little bit more like an excuse.
• 4:08
  The more things that they're adding on, it's going to sound like excuse after excuse after.
• 4:12
  Excuse.
• 4:13
  And that can leave the other party feeling really unsure about how to respond.
• 4:17
  It's almost like the over explainer is trying to say, well, I have a really good reason for upsetting you for my tardiness.
• 4:23
  So just don't be upset.
• 4:24
  Right?
• 4:24
  We think that we are going to be able to control how the other person feels.
• 4:28
  If we just say enough things and we don't know what to say.
• 4:32
  So we're going to keep saying different things in all sorts of different angles, hoping that one of those things will then be able to magically make it so that the other person doesn't experience a negative emotion.
• 4:44
  But that just leaves us both feeling pretty dizzy.
• 4:46
  Doesn't it.
• 4:48
  So essentially then they are overexplaining in an attempt to try to control how the other person feels.
• 4:54
  About their tardiness.
• 4:55
  But sometimes less is more.
• 4:58
  For example, what if, when they showed up, they just said, I'm really sorry that I'm late.
• 5:02
  Traffic was terrible.
• 5:03
  And I had trouble finding parking.
• 5:04
  Thank you so much for waiting.
• 5:06
  Now this shorter response is not only more clear, but it also feels a little bit more apologetic and consider it.
• 5:11
  You're giving them enough information to let them know, Hey, I'm really sorry.
• 5:15
  And these circumstances were out of my control, but it's also showing a little bit more accountability and it's just appreciating that.
• 5:22
  Hey, thank you so much for waiting.
• 5:23
  It's appreciating that they were patient with you.
• 5:27
  And sometimes this happens when we're working to communicate with a partner as well.
• 5:32
  So for example, maybe what you're really wanting in your relationship is a little bit more quality time with your partner.
• 5:39
  Now an over explainer might say something like, you know, I've been thinking a lot about our relationship and how we spend our time together.
• 5:45
  I remember when we first started dating and we used to go out on the weekends and we had so much fun and we go to the park and have picnics, or we would watch movies together.
• 5:54
  And I really miss those days because I felt so connected.
• 5:57
  And lately I've been feeling a bit neglected because, well, you've been working a lot and spending more time with your friends.
• 6:02
  And I understand like you have a lot on your plate and I don't want to sound needy or make you feel guilty.
• 6:07
  But I think.
• 6:08
  It would be good for us to have more quality time together.
• 6:10
  Like maybe we could set aside a specific day of each week for date night or something.
• 6:14
  I read this article last week about how important it is for couples to maintain regular quality time.
• 6:20
  And it says that couples that do this are generally much happier.
• 6:23
  So what do you think.
• 6:25
  Now in this version.
• 6:26
  Yes.
• 6:26
  It includes a lot of background information and memories and justifications.
• 6:31
  And while the message is heartfelt.
• 6:34
  All of those words might overwhelm the partner and actually dilute the main point.
• 6:39
  Now with this lengthy explanation, the partner might actually be confused as to what the subject is.
• 6:45
  Is it just reminiscing on their falling in love in the earlier days?
• 6:49
  Is it about being at work, something that's out of their control and it's just a temporary season.
• 6:53
  Is it about that article?
• 6:54
  They want to talk about the article that they were reading.
• 6:56
  There are a lot of detours that could be taken in this conversation all because all of the little evidences that they were wanting to put into their monologue here, but it can feel very disorienting and chaotic to the person who is listening.
• 7:09
  So simplifying the message into one or two sentences can make it significantly more clear.
• 7:15
  And when it's more clear, it's more likely that you can get your needs met.
• 7:18
  So, for example, maybe instead they could say, Hey, I miss spending quality time together.
• 7:23
  Do you think that it would be okay if we set aside one night a week for a date night?
• 7:27
  That is short, it is clear.
• 7:29
  And it also presents a yes or no question to bring more clarity to both partners.
• 7:35
  This direct approach makes it easier for the partner to understand what request is actually being made.
• 7:41
  And then they can respond accordingly.
• 7:44
  It brings more clarity for both partners.
• 7:47
  Sometimes we think that we have clearly communicated a point to a friend or to a partner, and then we become upset when they don't receive our message, we think.
• 7:56
  "But I've told you this a thousand times, don't you remember that one hour long conversation where I talked at you, you should understand because of all of the words that I said, you sat there and nodded, and now you should be understanding." Right.
• 8:08
  That's a bit of an over-exaggeration, but you understand what I'm saying here.
• 8:12
  That our tendency is to explain things more and more and in even more detail.
• 8:18
  Because we have the thought, well, I need to explain the context in order for them to really understand what it is that I need.
• 8:27
  So first, I want you to know that this is totally normal.
• 8:30
  I have totally done it.
• 8:31
  I totally guilty.
• 8:32
  And I also find that when you're having really big emotions it's also more likely to fall into this pattern of communication.
• 8:40
  We have this huge emotion of anger or sadness or loneliness, and we have so much story in our head that we think sharing the whole story is going to help them to better empathize with us.
• 8:52
  But again, sometimes then things are just lost in translation.
• 8:56
  So know that it is normal.
• 8:57
  Know that this is totally okay.
• 8:59
  And there are actually very logical reasons for why you do this.
• 9:03
  For empath and highly sensitive people, overexplaining it often stems from their heightened sensitivity.
• 9:09
  And their deep, emotional wellness.
• 9:12
  So the top three reasons why empaths and highly sensitive people tend to overexplain are: first they fear misunderstanding or conflict.
• 9:20
  Empaths and highly sensitive people are highly attuned to the emotions and the emotional reactions of others.
• 9:27
  And so they often overexplain in order to prevent any misunderstandings and avoid any potential conflicts.
• 9:34
  Their sensitivity to everybody else's feelings makes them want to ensure that their message is clear and that their intentions are understood.
• 9:41
  They're really hoping to maintain harmony in the relationship.
• 9:45
  The second reason is a need for reassurance and validation.
• 9:49
  Empaths and highly sensitive people.
• 9:51
  They're often seeking reassurance and validation from others due to their deep emotional responses.
• 9:56
  Overexplaining can be a way for them to feel more secure and validated in their actions and decisions.
• 10:02
  It's almost like I'm communicating a message to my partner that they might be uncomfortable hearing, but if I can convince myself and list out all of the reasons why I want this, then it will validate for me and for them that this is something that is really important, right?
• 10:17
  So they want to be sure that others see things from their perspective and understand their reasoning.
• 10:23
  The third reason that we tend to do this is due to guilt and over responsibility.
• 10:29
  Empaths and highly sensitive people tend to take on a lot of the emotional responsibility for the wellbeing of others.
• 10:36
  So they may feel guilty if they think that they have caused any discomfort or misunderstanding.
• 10:41
  So overexplaining becomes a way to alleviate this guilt and to try to make things right.
• 10:46
  Ensuring that they've done everything possible to prevent any negative impact on others.
• 10:52
  So, yes, we are overexplaining out of fear of being misunderstood, a need for reassurance, or possibly even guilt because we feel overly responsible for somebody else's emotional state.
• 11:03
  But overexplaining, isn't going to fix those underlying emotions.
• 11:08
  So sit with it for a little moment and think about, okay, right now, what is my top priority?
• 11:14
  What is it that I want to communicate right now?
• 11:16
  Do I want to address the fear, the need for reassurance or the guilt, or do I want to find a solution for the original problem?
• 11:24
  And it doesn't matter.
• 11:25
  There's not a right or wrong here.
• 11:27
  You can pick whichever thing it is that you want to communicate, but get really clear on what it is that you want to communicate because when we're working through that lens of fear or guilt or insecurity, and we're trying to get a need met sometimes that can muddy the waters a bit and make things more unclear.
• 11:42
  So get really clear on what the main messages that you would like to communicate right now and see if you can condense it down into just one or two sentences.
• 11:50
  More than likely you have a need that needs to be met.
• 11:54
  When we're oversharing.
• 11:55
  And overexplaining it's generally because we have a very valid need that needs to be met.
• 12:01
  So ask yourself, okay, what is it?
• 12:03
  If I had to put it in one to two sentences, what is my very valid need and what is it that I would like to have happen right now?
• 12:10
  So here are a few ideas of things that you might say.
• 12:12
  These are things that I hear quite often in my practice, and this is one thing that is actually very valuable for coaching is when we have a lot of story, it can be helpful to have somebody outside of you, figure out, okay, what is the actual underlying need and make it more concise and make it more clear and make it more likely that your needs can be met.
• 12:30
  So here are a few ideas: hey, I've been feeling really disconnected lately.
• 12:34
  Can we go on a date this Friday?
• 12:35
  I think it would help.
• 12:38
  Hey, I need some quiet time to recharge.
• 12:40
  Can we keep things calm for an hour or so?
• 12:43
  I am feeling really overwhelmed right now.
• 12:46
  Can you help me with this?
• 12:48
  I need some emotional space right now.
• 12:50
  Can we talk about this later?
• 12:53
  Hey, I could really use some more clear and direct communication.
• 12:57
  Can you please tell me what it is that you need from me most right now?
• 13:00
  Now this is a great one-liner to use.
• 13:02
  If you are in relationship with someone who is adding a little bit, too much context and you're getting lost in it, ask them, Hey, can you just be a little bit more clear with me and give me one to two sentences as to what it is that you need from me right now?
• 13:13
  It can be really, really helpful for both of you.
• 13:17
  So notice too, that these examples, then they focus on clearly stating the need.
• 13:21
  And when appropriate, also proposing a solution or an action that would help to get that need met.
• 13:29
  And this helps to ensure that the message is received and understood without any unnecessary elaboration.
• 13:34
  So if you recognize that you do tend to overexplain, then here are some really simple things that you can do.
• 13:40
  First know your main point.
• 13:43
  Before you speak, just take a moment internally to clarify for yourself, what is the main point that you want to convey?
• 13:49
  Maybe you want to journal on it and just get all of the story out to give you a bit more clarity.
• 13:53
  Oftentimes it's ourselves that need the story and the validation.
• 13:56
  So giving yourself the story in journal form and figuring out for you.
• 14:00
  "Okay.
• 14:00
  So now I'm validating that this is my very specific need.
• 14:03
  Yes.
• 14:03
  Now I can state that need" can give you a lot more clarity.
• 14:07
  So before you speak, take a moment to identify what is the main point that you want to convey, not the story around why you want it, but what it is that you want.
• 14:16
  And this helps you to stay focused and avoid any unnecessary details.
• 14:20
  All right.
• 14:20
  Tip number two is stick to the relevant information.
• 14:23
  Include only the information that is necessary for the listener to understand your point.
• 14:28
  And again, you can do this generally in just one to two, possibly three sentences.
• 14:33
  You don't need more than three sentences to state what it is that's going on for you and make that request to get your needs met.
• 14:39
  So avoid going off on tangents or providing a lot of evidences for why it is that you need what it is that you need.
• 14:46
  Now, as a side note, there are some relationships that are toxic relationships where it's not necessarily about you just experiencing the world differently, but sometimes it is a manipulative tactic in order to devalue or minimize what it is that you want in the moment for people to continue to ask you.
• 15:04
  But why, but why tell me, I don't understand.
• 15:06
  And they might be feigning ignorance in an attempt to make you doubt and question why it is that you want, what it is that you need.
• 15:13
  So just know that your needs are valid.
• 15:15
  There are some people that might be taking advantage of that, but for the most part, when you're in a healthy relationship stating just one to two sentences of your need can help you to get.
• 15:24
  Your need met.
• 15:26
  All right, tip, number three, pause and reflect.
• 15:29
  Take just a moment to pause and think before responding.
• 15:33
  And this can help you to organize your thoughts a little bit more and choose your words a bit more carefully.
• 15:38
  And guess what it's okay to even say in the moment.
• 15:42
  Hey, you know what?
• 15:43
  I need just a minute to gather my thoughts, because I want to be more clear in what it is that I'm wanting to communicate.
• 15:49
  It's okay for you to make a clear request for space so that you can find more clarity and communicate more clearly.
• 15:57
  All right.
• 15:57
  The next one is asked for feedback.
• 15:59
  After communicating with somebody.
• 16:01
  If you want to know if they really heard you or not, ask them.
• 16:05
  It's okay to ask them, Hey, what is it that you just heard me say that I need right now?
• 16:09
  And then you can figure out from their answer if they really heard you or not.
• 16:13
  So if the response is,"yeah, I think that you were wanting to talk more about that article.
• 16:17
  I haven't read that article, but if you send it to me, I can read it." Then you can recognize that.
• 16:22
  Oh, okay.
• 16:23
  I can see that.
• 16:24
  I maybe went off on a few different tangents there.
• 16:26
  What I really want to know is can you and I go on a date this Friday and really regrouping and refocusing that.
• 16:33
  So take the time to ask for feedback, to make sure that you're on the same page and asking yes or no questions can be very helpful here.
• 16:41
  All right.
• 16:41
  And then my last tip is practice mindfulness.
• 16:44
  Being mindful of your own emotional state to see what it is that's coming up for you, if you are overexplaining through that fear or through that insecurity, that is all valuable information to help you to identify your needs.
• 16:58
  So be mindful about your emotional state and the context of the conversation, and that can help you to remain calm and focused and reduce that urge to overexplain.
• 17:08
  It is a very human need to want to feel seen and heard and understood..
• 17:14
  And.
• 17:14
  And sometimes it is good to expand on how it is that you're feeling, but if your messaging isn't getting across, then you might need to simplify your message a little bit.
• 17:22
  Sometimes we think adding more words is going to help, but sometimes it's removing those unnecessary words that's going to bring the clarity.
• 17:30
  I find that for me, when I do have a lot of story in my own head around why something is coming up for me, I have a harder time keeping things concise, especially if there's a difference in how we both think and feel.
• 17:42
  Or maybe one of us is a thinker and the other one of us is a feeler.
• 17:45
  It can be like going into that foreign country where we think, oh, I will just keep explaining and maybe a few of the keywords will break through and they'll understand, even though we speak different languages, but remember sometimes less is more.
• 17:58
  So take the time to identify those one to two sentences around what it is that you need, and that can have a huge impact for good on any relationship.
• 18:08
  So if, as you've been listening to this, you recognize that you need a little bit of help and support sorting through your story in order to get your needs met, come and work with me.
• 18:17
  I'm currently offering six week packages, so my clients are always coming and going.
• 18:21
  And I think you're going to be very surprised by how much you and I can accomplish in just six weeks together.
• 18:26
  So if you'd like to work with me, go ahead and check out the show notes where you can apply to work with me.
• 18:30
  There are also links in there for all of my social media pages.
• 18:34
  So come and find me on social media.
• 18:35
  We have a ton of fun on social media.
• 18:38
  And there's also a link there where you can submit a review for this podcast.
• 18:43
  Or if you, as you're listening, have a question about something that you would like to have addressed here on the podcast, then there's a spot there where you can submit your questions and I can answer them here on the podcast.
• 18:54
  I just am really looking for more ways that I can help and support you.
• 18:57
  So that is now going to be in the show notes for every episode so that I can know if you're needing a little bit more clarity, if you're needing more words on a subject or maybe around some, you're going to need less and need me to be more clear.
• 19:09
  But I would love to know either way.
• 19:11
  All right.
• 19:12
  Well, I hope you have a great week and let's talk soon.
• 19:13
  Bye now.