Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #307 Becoming a Better Person with Cameron & Alison Daddo

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#307 Becoming a Better Person with Cameron & Alison Daddo · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

0:03
Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families Podcast.
0:05
Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just
0:09
Speaker 2: wants answers.
0:10
Speaker 3: Now Good. It's doctor Justin Coulson and welcome to a
0:12
Speaker 3: special episode of the Happy Families Podcast. Today, Kylie and
0:16
Speaker 3: I are going to share with you a conversation that
0:18
Speaker 3: you had with Cameron Daddo and his wife Allison. They've
0:21
Speaker 3: got a podcast it's called Separate Bathrooms. Well, Kylie and
0:25
Speaker 3: I were invited to be their special guests to talk
0:28
Speaker 3: about parenting and relationships and ge we enjoyed the conversation.
0:33
Speaker 3: Just a quick word about Cam and Ali. They have
0:35
Speaker 3: had about a thirty year relationship now, and the podcast
0:40
Speaker 3: is all about the highs and lows of relationships and
0:43
Speaker 3: the lessons that we learn as we struggle with some
0:46
Speaker 3: of the challenges associated with marriage or long term partnerships
0:50
Speaker 3: and having kids. Well, Kylie and I were just delighted
0:53
Speaker 3: to be able to share our Happy Famili's journey with them,
0:56
Speaker 3: and for those of you who listen every day to us,
0:58
Speaker 3: we thought that you might like to hear some of
1:00
Speaker 3: the backstory and a few of the things that have
1:02
Speaker 3: built us into who we are. Separate Bathrooms is available
1:06
Speaker 3: from your favorite podcast, Catcher, and to Cameron and Allison,
1:11
Speaker 3: thanks so much for a really enjoyable conversation.
1:17
Speaker 4: We have a fabulous couple in today. Super excited to
1:23
Speaker 4: speak to both of these people. Married couple again.
1:27
Speaker 1: Talking about parenting and relationships. They're super qualified. They've been
1:31
Speaker 1: married for twenty five years or twenty three years. Actually,
1:34
Speaker 1: I'll be married for fifty these two. They're parents to
1:37
Speaker 1: six daughters, one of which is married herself, and they
1:41
Speaker 1: were married quite young. He was twenty two and she
1:44
Speaker 1: was nineteen.
1:45
Speaker 4: He is well known as a parenting expert, and we'll
1:51
Speaker 4: dive into that and find out exactly how he became
1:53
Speaker 4: a parenting expert. She is the rock, and not as
1:58
Speaker 4: in Duane Johnson, but she is the rock in the
2:01
Speaker 4: family and dare we say, the inspiration for many other things.
2:06
Speaker 4: They say that happy families don't just happen. Have that quote.
2:11
Speaker 1: Let's give them names and get to know them better.
2:14
Speaker 1: Please welcome Doctor Justin and Kylie Colson.
2:18
Speaker 3: Hi, guys, so good to be with you.
2:20
Speaker 1: You look fabulous across this zoom link. You two.
2:24
Speaker 3: Well, we knew that we had to make ourselves look
2:26
Speaker 3: pretty special because we're hanging out with the guy that
2:30
Speaker 3: every girl wanted to be associated with when I was
2:33
Speaker 3: growing up and the girl that every guy wanted to
2:36
Speaker 3: marry when I was growing up. So we've done our best.
2:40
Speaker 4: You've done incredibly well, incredibly well. Thank you so much
2:43
Speaker 4: for joining us in our separate bathrooms today. We have
2:46
Speaker 4: a lot to jump into for both of you, because
2:49
Speaker 4: you've both got incredible insights, we feel and we know
2:54
Speaker 4: this is a relationship podcast and you justin actually have
2:58
Speaker 4: a website successful so called happyfamilies dot com. And Kylie,
3:03
Speaker 4: you are the mother of six daughters and the woman
3:08
Speaker 4: behind the man beside the man in front of the man,
3:11
Speaker 4: as we've talked about before with the man, but we
3:13
Speaker 4: also want to hear about, of course about you, Kylie
3:16
Speaker 4: as well. You know, what's your participation in all of
3:19
Speaker 4: this as well. So let's just dive in. What's our
3:23
Speaker 4: first question for.
3:23
Speaker 1: Well, I just wanted to know you guys were married
3:26
Speaker 1: quite young. How long did you date? For Well, I.
3:30
Speaker 5: Guess it depends how you define date.
3:32
Speaker 3: Yeah, we met at Christmas time at a convention aligned
3:36
Speaker 3: with a church, and we kind of got to know
3:39
Speaker 3: each other at that convention and then we had a date,
3:44
Speaker 3: a date one evening, followed by another date the next
3:47
Speaker 3: day in January. Then in March at Easter we caught
3:51
Speaker 3: up and eight days later we're engaged.
3:53
Speaker 1: Eight days.
3:55
Speaker 4: They've beaten us.
3:56
Speaker 1: Honey, we were like three weeks.
3:59
Speaker 4: No, three weeks, getting shorter all the time. It is
4:02
Speaker 4: two and a half months, honey, confusion. I don't know,
4:07
Speaker 4: just kidding all.
4:08
Speaker 5: Who else did you get engaged too? I'm not sure.
4:12
Speaker 3: That was the other one, wasn't it right?
4:14
Speaker 1: Mate? As I said in the intro, you were twenty two.
4:16
Speaker 1: I'm just gonna I'm just gonna let that one slide
4:18
Speaker 1: straight through to the keeper. Justin you you were twenty two.
4:22
Speaker 1: As I said in the intro, Kylie, you were nineteen.
4:25
Speaker 1: That was that was young, and Justin you're now. You're
4:28
Speaker 1: now the founder of this highly successful website. You've got
4:31
Speaker 1: happy families dot com. You've recorded close to three hundred
4:34
Speaker 1: podcasts as far as I can see, and then they're
4:36
Speaker 1: all about raising happy families. Were you always a parenting expert?
4:42
Speaker 3: No? Because of the nature of this conversation, and because
4:46
Speaker 3: we've listened to your podcast and we really love the
4:48
Speaker 3: way you honor relationships on this on this show, maybe
4:53
Speaker 3: I can share how I got into this, and that
4:56
Speaker 3: will sort of color in the very thin scale that
5:00
Speaker 3: we've got to work with. When I was working in
5:03
Speaker 3: Brisbane at one of the major stations, we had our
5:06
Speaker 3: first two kids, and I just, I just I've taken
5:11
Speaker 3: a big breath because I hate telling this story. It's
5:12
Speaker 3: a really painful story to tell. Kylie left me one
5:14
Speaker 3: Saturday afternoon. I'd been out late the night before because
5:17
Speaker 3: you know, radio DJ doing the whatever it was that
5:19
Speaker 3: I had to do the publicity thing Friday night, somewhere about. Yeah,
5:25
Speaker 3: I'd had about three hours sleep. I've been up and
5:27
Speaker 3: in the studio by five point thirty the next morning,
5:30
Speaker 3: done my six to midday gig. Saturday afternoon, I'm absolutely wrecked,
5:33
Speaker 3: and Kylie says to me, I've got to go out.
5:36
Speaker 3: I'm going to leave the kids with you, and I'm
5:37
Speaker 3: kind of like, I'm I'm tired. I don't have the
5:40
Speaker 3: capacity to look after them. I'm an absolute wreck and
5:43
Speaker 3: Kylie basically says, no, no, no, the baby's just gone down
5:47
Speaker 3: and the three year olds due for her nap anytime
5:49
Speaker 3: in the next sort of half hour or so. You
5:51
Speaker 3: put her down, you have your nap. I'll be back
5:53
Speaker 3: before they wake up and we can have a nice night.
5:55
Speaker 3: So I thought, your beauty, that sounds good. But I
5:58
Speaker 3: don't know if you've noticed that some times three year
6:00
Speaker 3: olds feel like they're too big for their daytime nap.
6:02
Speaker 3: Oh yeah, And that's kind of what happened. My our
6:06
Speaker 3: three year old said I don't want to go to sleep,
6:08
Speaker 3: and I was so exhausted, and you know this, like
6:11
Speaker 3: when you're tired, you just cannot be at your best.
6:15
Speaker 3: And I got into this big power struggle with her
6:16
Speaker 3: that escalated and escalated, and soon I was screaming at
6:19
Speaker 3: her and threatening her and calling her names, Your little brat,
6:23
Speaker 3: go to sleep. And I don't know about you, but
6:25
Speaker 3: I don't know anyone that listens to their dad called
6:27
Speaker 3: them a little brat and threatens them and tells them
6:29
Speaker 3: to go to sleep. And then sudden goes good, point,
6:31
Speaker 3: I'm tireder than I thought, I'll have a n app now,
6:33
Speaker 3: thanks for being so convincing. And it got to the
6:36
Speaker 3: point where I just escalated and I yelled at her
6:39
Speaker 3: and I picked her up and I squeezed her and
6:41
Speaker 3: I whacked a bum and I threw her under a
6:43
Speaker 3: bed and locked her in a room and just treated
6:46
Speaker 3: her just awfully. I mean even now I still get
6:53
Speaker 3: very just so disappointed myself for the way that I
6:57
Speaker 3: treated her. And obviously I didn't go to sleep that afternoon.
7:04
Speaker 3: She did. She fell asleep crying on the floor behind
7:06
Speaker 3: the door. But I walked into the backyard that afternoon
7:10
Speaker 3: and once she had gone to sleep, and I remember thinking,
7:13
Speaker 3: it's not my fault. She made me do it. And
7:16
Speaker 3: then I realized immediately how ridiculous that statement was, how
7:19
Speaker 3: untrue that was. I mean, she's a toddler, she's behaving
7:22
Speaker 3: like one. I'm an adult. I'm not behaving like one.
7:25
Speaker 3: And so when Kylie walked in the door, I saw
7:26
Speaker 3: that I was awake. We had a conversation and I
7:29
Speaker 3: explained what had happened and how badly I'd behaved, and
7:32
Speaker 3: I said, I need to do something about this. But
7:35
Speaker 3: I wasn't so keen on going and doing therapy, and
7:39
Speaker 3: so instead I signed up for I quit my radio career.
7:42
Speaker 3: I went back to school and eight and a half
7:45
Speaker 3: years of full time study. Later, with a mortgage and
7:48
Speaker 3: two kids, and then three kids, and then four kids
7:50
Speaker 3: and then five kids, I'd gotten a tape quoal I'd
7:53
Speaker 3: gotten my first class honors psychology science degree and a
7:57
Speaker 3: PhD in psychology, and I did it all basically because
8:02
Speaker 3: I wanted to be a better dad.
8:03
Speaker 4: Wow, what a turning point, Brave, Brave, Do you remember
8:09
Speaker 4: that moment, Kylie?
8:10
Speaker 5: Yeah?
8:11
Speaker 4: What was your words to to Justin at that time?
8:15
Speaker 3: I said something like, I'm not a real good dad?
8:17
Speaker 3: Am I? And Kylie said no, And come to think
8:19
Speaker 3: of it, you're not much of a husband either. Like
8:22
Speaker 3: I was failing, I was an absolute I think that
8:26
Speaker 3: it would you say disaster is overstating it or do
8:29
Speaker 3: you think that's a reasonable assessment.
8:31
Speaker 2: I think the challenge is that when you get married,
8:35
Speaker 2: you're so in love and you think that you have
8:38
Speaker 2: got all the answers, and you think that your love
8:40
Speaker 2: is going to be enough to carry you through. And
8:45
Speaker 2: when you hit these moments in time where you recognize
8:49
Speaker 2: that you're either not aligned or you're not on the
8:51
Speaker 2: same page, you kind of question a lot of things.
8:55
Speaker 2: And we both grew up in very different parentings styled homes,
9:02
Speaker 2: and I had always from a very little girl, I
9:06
Speaker 2: didn't want to do anything else in life except for
9:08
Speaker 2: being a wife and a mother.
9:10
Speaker 5: Was that was my that was my dream.
9:13
Speaker 2: Becoming a mum was just the next step in my
9:17
Speaker 2: life where you know, I found my prince charming. We
9:20
Speaker 2: got married and I wanted to be a mum, and
9:23
Speaker 2: I thought I had all the answers because being a
9:25
Speaker 2: mum was just so innate.
9:27
Speaker 4: Right, That's what she wanted, that's what you dress of.
9:30
Speaker 2: And I have always been a nurturer as well, So
9:33
Speaker 2: those kind of qualities are very innate within me. And
9:37
Speaker 2: so whenever we would have challenges, I'd kind of be
9:40
Speaker 2: like bewildered that he just didn't know how to do things.
9:45
Speaker 2: It didn't come naturally to him. He didn't Yeah, he
9:48
Speaker 2: didn't see the world the way I did. And so
9:50
Speaker 2: those those first few years of parenting were really challenging
9:54
Speaker 2: for both of us for totally different reasons.
9:57
Speaker 4: And it sounds like not any parenting, but relationship wise
10:00
Speaker 4: too as well. I mean, were you They're often what
10:04
Speaker 4: Cam and I fight about the most is when he
10:07
Speaker 4: gets angry at the children, and I don't think they
10:10
Speaker 4: deserve to be gotten angry at. That's what we fight about.
10:13
Speaker 2: That first year of marriage before children came along was
10:16
Speaker 2: absolute bliss. We actually had, you know, kind of two
10:20
Speaker 2: major arguments and one of us, each of us had
10:23
Speaker 2: had a moment where we just kind of lost the plot,
10:26
Speaker 2: but we had a Yeah, just had a beautiful start,
10:31
Speaker 2: and then the children come along, and yeah, it really
10:34
Speaker 2: makes you question things. And so what you said about,
10:38
Speaker 2: you know, seeing the way he would respond to children
10:41
Speaker 2: really affected me because your mama bear comes out, yeah,
10:44
Speaker 2: you know. And I think it's more so as a
10:47
Speaker 2: mum as opposed to being a dad. The mama bear
10:49
Speaker 2: comes out and you just want to protect, Yeah, the ones.
10:52
Speaker 4: And I find it difficult too because everything and I'm
10:56
Speaker 4: sure this is what you hear justin probably what you
10:59
Speaker 4: teach too, is that you have to be on the
11:00
Speaker 4: same page. You have to be on the same page.
11:02
Speaker 4: I'm like, I'm not on the same page as you, honey.
11:05
Speaker 4: I don't agree with why you're getting so mad at them.
11:07
Speaker 4: I'm not mad at them, but you are. So it's
11:10
Speaker 4: such a that's something that comes up in conflict for us,
11:13
Speaker 4: doesn't it.
11:14
Speaker 1: As you said, Kylie, when you are parented differently, Like
11:18
Speaker 1: you said, you two are parented differently. Allison and I
11:21
Speaker 1: were parented very differently, and so when you're confronted with
11:25
Speaker 1: these little souls who are part of you, and your
11:28
Speaker 1: emotions get activated, and suddenly that primary teaching of how
11:33
Speaker 1: you were parented gets activated as well. But unless you've
11:36
Speaker 1: been conscious about how you want a parent, that early
11:41
Speaker 1: training and teaching of how you were parented gets activated.
11:45
Speaker 1: Would you agree with that?
11:47
Speaker 2: Yeah, totally, And I think the reality is over time,
11:50
Speaker 2: as Justin started to study and learn, his whole journey
11:54
Speaker 2: was wholeheartedly about being a better spouse and a better parent.
12:00
Speaker 2: And so as he became more educated and learned more
12:05
Speaker 2: about the science behind behavior in general and family well being,
12:12
Speaker 2: the tables turned very quickly, and all of a sudden,
12:14
Speaker 2: all of the things that we had or I had
12:17
Speaker 2: believed were the right way to do things were being questioned.
12:21
Speaker 2: And so I then had to take counsel from him
12:26
Speaker 2: being the dad who was never not home very much,
12:30
Speaker 2: and all of a sudden, he had all of these
12:32
Speaker 2: answers and I.
12:34
Speaker 3: Didn't answers they.
12:37
Speaker 2: And the reality is it took us probably about five
12:40
Speaker 2: years through that process before I fully came on board.
12:43
Speaker 3: And the story behind that is really quite compelling. So
12:46
Speaker 3: I'm learning how to become a better parent, I'm learning psychology,
12:49
Speaker 3: but I'm not actually doing much of it at home.
12:51
Speaker 3: Kylie's doing it all, raising the family while I'm doing
12:54
Speaker 3: the school work and the financial work. And I remember
12:57
Speaker 3: one night I got back from Uni, it would have
12:59
Speaker 3: probably been eight eight point thirty in the evening. As
13:03
Speaker 3: I've walked into the house, not only is every light on,
13:06
Speaker 3: but the kids. I think we had three of them
13:08
Speaker 3: at the time. The kids were running around, just going nuts.
13:12
Speaker 3: They were fighting. The house was a mess, there were
13:14
Speaker 3: dishes in the sink. Everything was not as it should be,
13:18
Speaker 3: quote unquote. And I know that it's really tempting, as
13:22
Speaker 3: a bread winner, or as the person who's out slaying
13:24
Speaker 3: the wild beasts for dinner or whatever it is that
13:26
Speaker 3: we do, it's really tempting to say, what have you
13:29
Speaker 3: been doing all day? But because I'd done four years
13:32
Speaker 3: of psychology by then, I kind of knew that was
13:34
Speaker 3: not the big best question to ask.
13:36
Speaker 5: But he well, yeah, So I didn't actually let him
13:41
Speaker 5: say anything.
13:42
Speaker 2: He walked in the door and glad I just looked
13:45
Speaker 2: at him and I said, you need to take beast
13:47
Speaker 2: kids now, and I need to go.
13:49
Speaker 3: So Kytie walked out of the kitchen into the bedroom,
13:52
Speaker 3: closed the door with some emphasis, and I remember standing
13:57
Speaker 3: there and going moment of truth, buddy, what are you
13:59
Speaker 3: going to do now? So I walked over the kids
14:02
Speaker 3: and they were not easily softened. They were pretty hyped up.
14:08
Speaker 3: But within about ninety seconds the kids were calm and
14:11
Speaker 3: quiet and peaceful, and I reckon about five minutes later,
14:15
Speaker 3: they were in bed and asleep, like, I just nailed it, Alie,
14:18
Speaker 3: I just nailed it because I came Like our emotions,
14:23
Speaker 3: whether we're talking about a couple of relationships or with
14:25
Speaker 3: our kids, our emotions are contagious, and kids will catch
14:29
Speaker 3: our chaos, and they'll catch how cranky, and they'll catch
14:32
Speaker 3: how crazy, but they'll also catch how calm. Absolutely, and
14:35
Speaker 3: I knew in that moment that I had to be calm.
14:37
Speaker 3: I just had to be so level. The other thing
14:39
Speaker 3: that I talk about all the time when I'm talking
14:41
Speaker 3: to parents about this stuff is that high emotions equals
14:43
Speaker 3: low intelligence. Like, the more emotional we are. You've probably
14:46
Speaker 3: had this even with each other. Have you ever noticed
14:48
Speaker 3: that the angrier you are, the more right you are?
14:53
Speaker 1: Well, yeah, yes, And that's been part of me, is
14:56
Speaker 1: trying to give up well, giving up the need to
14:57
Speaker 1: be right and catching myself on that me that need
15:01
Speaker 1: to be right. It doesn't work. Yeah.
15:04
Speaker 3: So I just knew in that moment, if I caught
15:06
Speaker 3: what Kylie and the kids had, the night was going
15:09
Speaker 3: to go downhill really really fast. And so I kept
15:14
Speaker 3: a level in balance, I kept my intelligence in my
15:16
Speaker 3: head rather than sending it out the window. Within a
15:18
Speaker 3: few minutes, the kids were down, and then I just
15:20
Speaker 3: set about cleaning up the kitchen and I figured, I'll
15:22
Speaker 3: have dinner at eleven o'clock time. Whatever, I'll deal with it.
15:25
Speaker 3: And I just I knew that Kylie had a lousy day.
15:27
Speaker 3: After about maybe thirty or forty minutes of doing the
15:30
Speaker 3: best that I could in the house, I went into
15:32
Speaker 3: the bedroom and instead of saying, well, I've done this,
15:35
Speaker 3: and I've done this, look at me, noble. And instead
15:38
Speaker 3: of saying I can't believe what happened tonight and launching
15:42
Speaker 3: into either police or prosecutor or preacher mode, I remember
15:46
Speaker 3: saying to Kylie something along the lines of seems like
15:50
Speaker 3: I had a really tough day to day and that
15:55
Speaker 3: was about it. I said, do you feel like talking
15:57
Speaker 3: about it? And I think at that point Kylie burst
16:03
Speaker 3: into tears, like we're crying.
16:07
Speaker 4: Wow, what a simple thing to say, but so powerful,
16:10
Speaker 4: so meaningful.
16:11
Speaker 5: Yeah, I guess for me.
16:13
Speaker 2: Sitting in the bedroom at the time, our second oldest,
16:17
Speaker 2: she was two, and she was a really emotionally needy child,
16:22
Speaker 2: and she pretty much cried all day. She was at
16:25
Speaker 2: my feet all day, and I just took it. Took
16:30
Speaker 2: every bit of you know, kind of energy and self
16:33
Speaker 2: restraint to not hurt her because I just wanted the
16:36
Speaker 2: noise to stop. And so when he walked in, it
16:39
Speaker 2: was like, you need you need to take them because
16:41
Speaker 2: I can't can't do this anymore. And when I went
16:45
Speaker 2: into the bedroom and I closed the door and I
16:47
Speaker 2: just obviously listened to the chaos die in the house,
16:52
Speaker 2: I overheard him literally get down to my two year
16:55
Speaker 2: old's level and just say to her, you've had a
16:58
Speaker 2: hard day. And she burst into tears, gave him a
17:01
Speaker 2: big cuddle, and everything came down. And in my head
17:04
Speaker 2: at that time, it was like, are you telling me?
17:06
Speaker 2: All I had to do was tell her that she
17:08
Speaker 2: was having a hard day and everything would have stopped.
17:11
Speaker 2: But in the moment, it was so overwhelming, and I
17:14
Speaker 2: felt I felt completely helpless to know how to make
17:19
Speaker 2: it right because nothing I was doing was making it right,
17:23
Speaker 2: and so that was the first time I kind of
17:25
Speaker 2: realized that clearly there was something in the things that
17:27
Speaker 2: he was learning, and there was a need for me
17:31
Speaker 2: to sit up and actually listen.
17:33
Speaker 3: It's the Happy Family's podcast.
17:35
Speaker 1: For a happier family, try a Happy Families membership, because
17:39
Speaker 1: a happy family doesn't just happen. Details at happy families
17:43
Speaker 1: dot com dot au. You don't need a license to
17:46
Speaker 1: become a parent. Do you think we should have to
17:50
Speaker 1: have a license to become a parent?
17:52
Speaker 3: No?
17:52
Speaker 5: I don't think you should have a license.
17:54
Speaker 1: Why's that.
17:57
Speaker 3: I've never been asked that question before?
17:58
Speaker 5: We haven't. I You've stumped me.
18:05
Speaker 3: So you resist it, but you're not sure why.
18:08
Speaker 2: What I love about family life in general is that
18:12
Speaker 2: there is just so much to learn, and it's only
18:18
Speaker 2: through actually living that process that we learn. So no
18:23
Speaker 2: amount of training actually prepares you for what it's like
18:27
Speaker 2: to live with someone twenty four to seven.
18:30
Speaker 5: No amount of training.
18:32
Speaker 2: Helps you prepare for this amazing miracle that lands in
18:38
Speaker 2: your lap after you've carried them inside you for nearly
18:41
Speaker 2: ten months. And you can tell me what I need
18:47
Speaker 2: to do, and you can give me all of the resources,
18:52
Speaker 2: but at the end of the day. It's not until
18:53
Speaker 2: I'm actually in that moment and I'm holding that baby
18:57
Speaker 2: that I then start to learn what it is to
19:00
Speaker 2: be a mother.
19:03
Speaker 5: Or what it is to be a wife.
19:05
Speaker 3: I love that answer. Yeah, I would say no as well,
19:09
Speaker 3: but for totally different reasons. But now you've set me
19:11
Speaker 3: off on a different course. So my reasons for no
19:14
Speaker 3: that there would be it would turn into a money
19:17
Speaker 3: making thing for universities, and there would be this push
19:23
Speaker 3: for everyone to have this particular parenting process, and the
19:26
Speaker 3: reality is that there is no one size fits all.
19:29
Speaker 3: We know what good parenting and good relationship principles are,
19:33
Speaker 3: but there's so many things that we just can't be
19:36
Speaker 3: prepared for. So I would actually say no. But just
19:40
Speaker 3: thinking about what you're saying, something that I've really been
19:43
Speaker 3: thinking about a lot lately is what the product of
19:46
Speaker 3: parenting is. The product or the outcome of the parenting
19:49
Speaker 3: process is not actually the child, it's the parent. See,
19:54
Speaker 3: the better you get at parenting, the better you become
19:57
Speaker 3: as a person.
19:58
Speaker 1: Agreed.
20:00
Speaker 3: As you become a better parent, you become more compassionate,
20:02
Speaker 3: you become more patient, you become all long suffering, you
20:04
Speaker 3: become more forbearing, you become more loving and charitable and
20:09
Speaker 3: understanding and forgiving. You stop worrying about what the script is,
20:14
Speaker 3: you stop worrying about what the habits are, and you
20:17
Speaker 3: develop a different heart. And that's something that does not
20:21
Speaker 3: happen the day the baby arrives. It doesn't happen when
20:23
Speaker 3: the you and you've got a toddler. In our experience,
20:26
Speaker 3: I mean, our eldest has moved out and married now
20:28
Speaker 3: as well, and we're only just starting to get our
20:32
Speaker 3: heads around it now after more than twenty years of
20:35
Speaker 3: child rearing. But it changes you day by day by
20:39
Speaker 3: day if you get your heart right. And I think
20:44
Speaker 3: that parenting is about heart, not about habit. Therefore, teaching
20:47
Speaker 3: skills is helpful, but you can't teach heart like you
20:50
Speaker 3: teach skills.
20:51
Speaker 4: Yeah, look, a lot of us parents, we are tired,
20:55
Speaker 4: and I think this must be a big question and
20:57
Speaker 4: a common question that comes up. And intimacy between you know,
21:02
Speaker 4: mum and dad or mum and mum or dad and
21:05
Speaker 4: dad whoever is raising the family, and intimacy does tend
21:09
Speaker 4: to wane. And you're outspoken about this, so give us
21:13
Speaker 4: some tips about how do you keep the flame alive.
21:16
Speaker 4: How do you keep the intimacy going? What have you
21:18
Speaker 4: guys been able to do that? You know you talk
21:21
Speaker 4: about you still crazy, madly in love with each other,
21:24
Speaker 4: which is just delightful. So give us some tips out there.
21:30
Speaker 2: You know, the thing that stands out to me the
21:32
Speaker 2: most when you ask me that question is every day
21:38
Speaker 2: Justin and I make an intentional decision to choose each other.
21:42
Speaker 3: And we've heard you guys mention that, so yeah, yeah,
21:45
Speaker 3: we know that that's a big thing for you as well,
21:47
Speaker 3: and we've been super intentional about that.
21:49
Speaker 2: And as such, even though each of us, for totally
21:52
Speaker 2: different reasons, live very busy and full lives, we make
21:56
Speaker 2: a point of making time for each other like that
21:59
Speaker 2: is a really intentional part of our journey.
22:03
Speaker 3: I'm really intentional about with Kylie. And I'm giving myself
22:05
Speaker 3: a pat on the back here. Please forgive me for this,
22:07
Speaker 3: but I really want to share it because it highlights
22:09
Speaker 3: I think a theme that's run through some of our
22:11
Speaker 3: conversation is every single day I look at Kylie and
22:15
Speaker 3: I will literally say that the words you have my heart,
22:21
Speaker 3: and that's an everyday thing because what I want to
22:23
Speaker 3: do is reaffirm to Kylie and myself, Like, you do
22:26
Speaker 3: that tomorrow for the first time, and it doesn't really
22:29
Speaker 3: change much. And you do it for a week and
22:31
Speaker 3: it doesn't really change much. But the compound effect of
22:34
Speaker 3: doing that every single day, day in, day out, week in,
22:37
Speaker 3: week out, month in, month out, year and year out
22:39
Speaker 3: for twenty years of thirty years, Kylie has my heart.
22:45
Speaker 3: And when you feel that way about somebody, you want
22:49
Speaker 3: to share everything with them. We've got a couple of
22:52
Speaker 3: fun rules, like when we walk past each other in
22:54
Speaker 3: the in any context, we must touch. So even if
22:59
Speaker 3: it's a squeak of the elbow or a stroke across
23:01
Speaker 3: the shoulder, or a quick kiss or a squeezet the
23:04
Speaker 3: barm or something like that, we we just we've made
23:08
Speaker 3: a commitment to touch. And the reason for that is
23:10
Speaker 3: to acknowledge how I see you. You're a person. I
23:14
Speaker 3: know I'm in a hurry to get to the office.
23:15
Speaker 3: I know I'm rushing out the door to around the
23:16
Speaker 3: kids here or there.
23:17
Speaker 5: But I'm on a phone call or all that stuff.
23:21
Speaker 2: It doesn't it doesn't take any effort to just, you know,
23:24
Speaker 2: acknowledge one another, even if you don't have time to
23:27
Speaker 2: be with each other.
23:28
Speaker 1: I love what you're saying, and I think it's really important,
23:30
Speaker 1: especially as relationships grow longer. There is one thing I
23:34
Speaker 1: do want to ask you about building resilience in kids,
23:38
Speaker 1: because you often hear a lot today where people talk
23:41
Speaker 1: about how soft children are, and they you know, there's
23:45
Speaker 1: they're they're weak, they don't they don't understand hardship, and
23:49
Speaker 1: people are looking for hacks, They're looking for shortcuts and things.
23:52
Speaker 1: But I don't know that there are hacks or shortcuts
23:56
Speaker 1: in this topic of building resilience in our in our kids.
24:00
Speaker 3: I want to share a quote from another parenting author
24:03
Speaker 3: who has just said this so beautifully. L. R. Noss said,
24:08
Speaker 3: it's not our job to tough and our children up
24:10
Speaker 3: to face a cruel and heartless world. It's our job
24:13
Speaker 3: to raise children who will make the world a little
24:17
Speaker 3: less cruel and heartless. The idea that our kids are
24:21
Speaker 3: soft and that that's a bad thing, I think is
24:24
Speaker 3: actually quite damaging. And this idea that we've got to
24:28
Speaker 3: tell our kids to toughen up, princess and drink some
24:31
Speaker 3: concrete and harden up, it's damaging, it's unfair, it's unkind,
24:36
Speaker 3: and I don't think that it appeals to the very
24:38
Speaker 3: best in them or in us. It's true that they
24:42
Speaker 3: do need to push through hard things. We've got a
24:44
Speaker 3: saying in our house. So I'm a cyclist, and I
24:46
Speaker 3: used to write competitively, and if I want to get
24:48
Speaker 3: strong cycling, I'll say to the kids, so I write
24:50
Speaker 3: uphill or downhill. And because like you got to write uphill, Dad,
24:53
Speaker 3: I say, right, So, you've got to love the hills
24:54
Speaker 3: because the hills make you strong, and when you get
24:56
Speaker 3: to the top of the hill, there's this incredible view
24:58
Speaker 3: from the top, and then you get to enjoy the
25:00
Speaker 3: right down the other side anyway. And so we really
25:03
Speaker 3: work hard on helping our kids to love the hills
25:05
Speaker 3: because you got to love the hills. But the idea
25:08
Speaker 3: of resilience, what it actually means is that your strength
25:11
Speaker 3: and through adversity. People talk about bouncing back. No one
25:15
Speaker 3: bounces back from adversity. Adversity changes you. You don't bounce
25:18
Speaker 3: back to who you were or where you were. Adversity
25:22
Speaker 3: changes you. We were so compelled as we listened to
25:26
Speaker 3: your podcast about your early challenges and your marriage, when
25:31
Speaker 3: you went through one of the hardest things that a
25:32
Speaker 3: married couple can go through and there's no way that
25:36
Speaker 3: you could say, oh, yeah, we bounced back. You're going
25:39
Speaker 3: to say no, no, we changed, but hopefully we adapted positively.
25:45
Speaker 3: We became more functional, We made ourselves better people as
25:48
Speaker 3: a result of it. And that's what you do with
25:50
Speaker 3: your kids. So the metaphor that I use for building
25:53
Speaker 3: resilience and kids is pretty simple. When you're on a
25:55
Speaker 3: balance beam, imagine life is that balance beam. Some kids,
25:58
Speaker 3: as they're walking across the balance beam, it looks like
26:00
Speaker 3: they're going to fall off, and they do, and their
26:02
Speaker 3: parents say, get back up. It's not being such a
26:04
Speaker 3: silk have a go your mug, and that real sort
26:07
Speaker 3: of tough en up princess mentality. The research is really
26:10
Speaker 3: clear that makes kids feel unworthy, It makes them feel unloved,
26:13
Speaker 3: It makes them feel anything but resilient. When they don't
26:15
Speaker 3: feel that they've got the support, they don't feel like
26:18
Speaker 3: they can go on. What's the point. Conversely, at the
26:21
Speaker 3: other end of the continuum, there are these parents who
26:23
Speaker 3: see their child start to tip off the balance beam
26:25
Speaker 3: and they jump up there and they grab their child
26:27
Speaker 3: in their arms and they say, don't worry, sweetheart, I'll
26:28
Speaker 3: carry you across. But you can't carry your kids across
26:32
Speaker 3: the balance beam of life. So the perfect way to
26:36
Speaker 3: accomplish resilient building in your kids is when you see
26:40
Speaker 3: them start to tip, you put your hand up on
26:42
Speaker 3: their leg and say, I'm right beside you. Lean on
26:45
Speaker 3: me for a sec take a breath. Okay, Now, I
26:48
Speaker 3: can't walk across this balance beam with you, but I
26:50
Speaker 3: am beside you. I'm going to let go. You got
26:53
Speaker 3: to take the next step, though. You're the one that's
26:55
Speaker 3: got to do the walking. So when I let go,
26:58
Speaker 3: what are you going to do? How are you going
26:59
Speaker 3: to take that step? Let's figure it out, now, okay,
27:02
Speaker 3: off you go. The The idea there is that we
27:06
Speaker 3: do not do it for our kids, but we support
27:08
Speaker 3: them every step of the way until they're able to
27:10
Speaker 3: do it confidently and confidently on their own.
27:12
Speaker 1: That way, we're there.
27:13
Speaker 3: We're building their competence, we're building their sense of autonomy,
27:16
Speaker 3: we're building a sense of relatedness. These are the basic
27:18
Speaker 3: psychological needs that help them to flourish and be motivated
27:21
Speaker 3: and have well being. And I think that that's the
27:24
Speaker 3: that's the really small snapshot for how you create resilience
27:27
Speaker 3: in your kids.
27:39
Speaker 6: Now, Okay, daddo here or should I say?
28:04
Speaker 1: Professor Hickson from Project Ari, a fun podcast about a
28:08
Speaker 1: robot learning right from wrong? Is your role to teach
28:12
Speaker 1: him to be a human boy?
28:16
Speaker 4: How what the Ari?
28:18
Speaker 1: I wanted your attention teaching your kids about respect? Take
28:22
Speaker 1: a break, let Project Ari do the talking and luck
28:26
Speaker 1: new episodes every Monday. Search Project Ari where you get
28:30
Speaker 1: your podcasts.
28:31
Speaker 3: In partnership with the Australian Government, we do a.
28:36
Speaker 1: Two minute shower basically to keep your answers short. I'll
28:41
Speaker 1: start off. We've got nine questions for you both.
28:43
Speaker 5: You can help you with that.
28:45
Speaker 3: I'll do my best.
28:46
Speaker 1: Justin's very succinct. Here we go. Question one, what do
28:51
Speaker 1: people get wrong about you?
28:55
Speaker 3: My confidence leads some people to think that I can
28:58
Speaker 3: be arrogant at times. Anyone who knows me well would not. Well,
29:03
Speaker 3: I would not agree with that, but yeah, I'm pretty confident,
29:05
Speaker 3: and sometimes that's misinterpreted. I don't think anyone gets you wrong. Ever,
29:09
Speaker 3: I'm trying to think.
29:13
Speaker 5: Maybe that I'm more confident than I am.
29:15
Speaker 3: I don't know, okay, Elie.
29:18
Speaker 4: Two, what do you think is your own at best
29:21
Speaker 4: quality about yourself?
29:24
Speaker 2: I just I love people and I love helping people.
29:28
Speaker 2: If there is a way that I can make somebody's
29:30
Speaker 2: life better for having been in my space, then I
29:33
Speaker 2: want to.
29:33
Speaker 3: Do that, right. Yeah, Can I talk about Kylie's best
29:36
Speaker 3: quality instead of mine?
29:37
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's question three. But I actually liked it when
29:39
Speaker 1: you said before. I liked it when you said before,
29:41
Speaker 1: I'm going to give myself a pat on the back
29:44
Speaker 1: because I don't think we do that enough in Australia.
29:46
Speaker 1: As with men, that's somehow frowned upon that you can't
29:49
Speaker 1: actually say, I'm really proud of myself for doing this,
29:52
Speaker 1: but I think we need to do that. So, I
29:54
Speaker 1: mean you can answer what Kylie's best quality is, but
29:57
Speaker 1: what do you think yours is?
29:58
Speaker 3: Though as well? I keep on trying. I really, I truly,
30:05
Speaker 3: genuinely want to be an outstandingly good human being. And
30:09
Speaker 3: I have a long, long, long way to go, but
30:11
Speaker 3: I really want to be a great husband, a great dad,
30:14
Speaker 3: a great friend, a great contributor to our world, and
30:18
Speaker 3: that intention might be a quality that I could say
30:23
Speaker 3: I'm grateful for and that I strive to develop.
30:26
Speaker 1: Great answer, Okay, so what's Kylie's best quality?
30:30
Speaker 3: Then Kylie's best quality is her out and out goodness.
30:35
Speaker 3: I've come into contact with a bajillion people throughout my
30:38
Speaker 3: life in so many different areas, and I just have absolute,
30:44
Speaker 3: unquestioned admiration for Kylie's character. She's a person of integrity,
30:50
Speaker 3: She's a person of just such goodness and such desire
30:53
Speaker 3: to make a difference in other people's lives. And I'm
30:57
Speaker 3: consistently grateful and in awe of have that characteristic Kylie.
31:02
Speaker 1: What would you say Justin's best quality?
31:07
Speaker 2: I don't know too many people who literally leave everything
31:11
Speaker 2: behind because they want to be a better dad. But
31:22
Speaker 2: that's literally what he did. He recognized that there was
31:28
Speaker 2: a lack in himself and has literally devoted his life
31:35
Speaker 2: to being better as a husband and as a father.
31:40
Speaker 2: And every day he's intentional about doing that.
31:47
Speaker 4: Ah, you too, I tell you it's a I get there.
31:51
Speaker 4: We've just cried more than ever in this podcast of
31:54
Speaker 4: any other podcast, Baby.
31:56
Speaker 1: Girl on Honey, Okay, beautiful shower, by the way.
32:01
Speaker 4: You know what the long the two minute shower. The
32:05
Speaker 4: answers are too good. We're in it for the long run. Now,
32:09
Speaker 4: what's your favorite catchphrase? Do you have a favorite catchphrase?
32:12
Speaker 1: Yeah?
32:13
Speaker 3: Probably attitude is everything. I say that a lot, and
32:18
Speaker 3: you've got to love the hills. They're kind of interlink,
32:20
Speaker 3: aren't they. Ye? Is there anything else that I say?
32:23
Speaker 3: I reckon? They're the main ones.
32:25
Speaker 5: I don't know if I have a catchphrase.
32:27
Speaker 2: Really you're going to say, you know, I get in
32:31
Speaker 2: trouble all the time on the podcast, because I have
32:34
Speaker 2: a crutch clearly, and I say, you know all the.
32:36
Speaker 3: Time, you don't get in trouble. Come on, don't feel
32:39
Speaker 3: like that.
32:39
Speaker 1: I know.
32:40
Speaker 3: Have you got a friend? I've got a catchphrase? I
32:41
Speaker 3: can't think of one. No, just when you get excited.
32:45
Speaker 1: Wooo, what are you reading Kylie.
32:52
Speaker 5: At the moment?
32:53
Speaker 4: Yes?
32:53
Speaker 3: Yes, great question, great question. I love that question. What
32:57
Speaker 3: are you reading at the moment?
32:59
Speaker 2: I am reading Ten Things that Every Parent needs to Know?
33:03
Speaker 2: Bye by Justin Coulson.
33:06
Speaker 5: Who is that?
33:07
Speaker 4: By Doctor Justin.
33:10
Speaker 3: The context for that, though, is that we have a
33:12
Speaker 3: Happy Families membership. And I'm not saying sharing this to plug.
33:15
Speaker 3: I'm just just as context have a happy family's membership.
33:18
Speaker 3: And once every school term we go through one of
33:21
Speaker 3: my books as book club, and so Kylie runs book
33:24
Speaker 3: club in the membership, and therefore Kylie has to read
33:27
Speaker 3: the book and the.
33:28
Speaker 2: Only reason I run it, guys, is because I haven't
33:32
Speaker 2: read them, and I think this was his way of
33:34
Speaker 2: making sure I did actually read them.
33:36
Speaker 4: Really does he pay you well for that?
33:39
Speaker 5: He does? He does. How about you Justin?
33:43
Speaker 4: What do you read for?
33:44
Speaker 5: Do you read stuff?
33:46
Speaker 4: Laughs?
33:46
Speaker 5: Or yeah? Or if you seen the psychology or no?
33:50
Speaker 3: I just truly I live and breathe it like I
33:53
Speaker 3: don't do this for a living. I do this for
33:55
Speaker 3: my life. This is who I am. And if you
33:58
Speaker 3: could see my bedside table right now, we have shelves.
34:01
Speaker 5: I can't vacuum on his side of the We have.
34:04
Speaker 3: Shelves in our bedside tables because I just in fact,
34:07
Speaker 3: I just ordered eight more books yesterday.
34:10
Speaker 4: Last last question, one word and you can do one word,
34:14
Speaker 4: hopefully to describe each other in one word?
34:18
Speaker 5: Intense intense.
34:19
Speaker 3: Okay, well, I'm not going to say calming, although I
34:24
Speaker 3: wish that I could. I'm going to say I think
34:29
Speaker 3: I've already mentioned this anyway, but just one word, sorry, goodness, goodness, goodness.
34:39
Speaker 1: Gracious, yeah, great balls of fire? How good are you two?
34:43
Speaker 1: Thank you doctor Justin and Kylie Coulson for.
34:47
Speaker 4: Coming on one quote that we read about you. This
34:51
Speaker 4: is something that came through on our email. It says
34:53
Speaker 4: we are utterly, completely and unquestionably absolutely deeply crazy about
34:59
Speaker 4: one another still after nearly twenty three years. That's a
35:03
Speaker 4: quote from the both of you, and our wish is
35:07
Speaker 4: that we all felt that way about our partners and
35:09
Speaker 4: that it only gets stronger for both of you because
35:11
Speaker 4: I think we might be completely and absolutely deeply crazy
35:14
Speaker 4: about the both of you after this talk. So thank
35:17
Speaker 4: you so much for coming in. It was just so delightful.
35:20
Speaker 3: Thank you guys.
35:23
Speaker 1: That was a hugely informative and heartfelt chat. It was
35:30
Speaker 1: splayed open. I do. Yeah, I love that.
35:33
Speaker 4: I think I feel like that happens when you're you
35:37
Speaker 4: know how it's infectious when you meet someone or people
35:41
Speaker 4: who are so open and vulnerable and loving as Kylie
35:45
Speaker 4: and Justin. I to me, it opens me up more
35:48
Speaker 4: as a person. I mean, like I said, I've not
35:51
Speaker 4: cried that much in a podcast in any of our podcasts.
35:55
Speaker 4: That was so beautiful.
35:58
Speaker 1: I loved the analogies. I love that one love the Hills.
36:02
Speaker 4: I knew you love that.
36:03
Speaker 1: I just well you know I love bike crime. Yeah,
36:05
Speaker 1: I know, but to actually embrace the difficult times, embrace
36:09
Speaker 1: those things because that is what makes us stronger. Yeah,
36:14
Speaker 1: just a fabulous couple. Remember we have our Facebook room
36:19
Speaker 1: there Separate Bathrooms. You can join that. You can follow
36:22
Speaker 1: ol at Alison Daddo, Ali Daddo, Ali Daddo, and I'm
36:27
Speaker 1: at Cameron Daddo. So we usually do our posts there
36:29
Speaker 1: as well.
36:30
Speaker 4: Yeah, always dms on that as well.
36:32
Speaker 1: We'll be back with more later.
36:34
Speaker 4: Thanks so much for listening.
36:36
Speaker 3: We really hope that you enjoyed our conversation with Cameron
36:39
Speaker 3: and Alison Daddo. Their podcast Separate Bathrooms. You can download
36:44
Speaker 3: it from wherever you get your podcasts, and The Happy
36:47
Speaker 3: Families Podcast returns tomorrow with a conversation a tough one,
36:52
Speaker 3: a parent who's struggling to get her child to give
36:55
Speaker 3: up the dummies. They've tried the Dummy Fairy, it didn't work.
36:58
Speaker 3: Plus later this week we're going to dive into the
37:00
Speaker 3: doctor's desk and look at some brand new research to
37:02
Speaker 3: help you to be a better parent. And a conversation
37:05
Speaker 3: with one of the best selling parenting authors of all time,
37:08
Speaker 3: Steve Bidolf. That's on Wednesday. All that and Maud this
37:12
Speaker 3: week on The Happy Families Podcast. We'll see you tomorrow