Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #362 Best Of - Are Your Kids "Entitled"?

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#362 Best Of - Are Your Kids "Entitled"? · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: Well, all last week the Eastern Seaboard have been enjoying
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  Speaker 1: school holidays and at least the very best that they
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  Speaker 1: can given various lockdown restrictions around the country. But now
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  Speaker 1: pretty much the whole country is on holidays, well at
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  Speaker 1: least the kids are. Parents, especially in lockdown places, are
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  Speaker 1: doing double duty. But South Australia and Western Australia have
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  Speaker 1: joined everybody else and school holidays are in full swing.
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  Speaker 1: Oh by the way, I'm doctor Justin Coulson.
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  Speaker 2: I'm here with Kylie Hi.
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  Speaker 1: Kylie Hi, Kylie's mother to our six daughters. I'm the
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  Speaker 1: author of six books about raising families to be happy
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  Speaker 1: and the founder of Happy Families dot com dot au.
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  Speaker 3: Do you sometimes wonder if your kids are entitled?
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  Speaker 2: Have those moments now and then?
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  Speaker 3: As parents, we always hope that the answer is no.
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  Speaker 3: But in this episode, we look at the red flags
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  Speaker 3: your children might be signaling and how they can practice gratitude.
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  Speaker 2: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
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  Speaker 2: time poor parent who just won't answers.
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  Speaker 1: Now, when I think about in gratitude and entitlement, what
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  Speaker 1: I do automatically is I go back to what research
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  Speaker 1: and ancient wisdom tell us about the importance of gratitude.
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  Speaker 1: This is a virtue, This is a characteristic of more refined,
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  Speaker 1: more elevated people.
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  Speaker 2: And now here's the stars of our show. My mum
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  Speaker 2: and dad. Hi, he you seem like you're in a
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  Speaker 2: great mood today. I love Monday's Happy Monday.
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  Speaker 1: You weren't in a great mood the other day when
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  Speaker 1: one of the kids got cranky at you because you
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  Speaker 1: didn't know where her music was.
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  Speaker 2: What is it with that?
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  Speaker 3: Clearly I moved it just to make your life hard.
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  Speaker 2: That's right.
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  Speaker 1: Sometimes we wake up and we think that the kids
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  Speaker 1: decided that they were going to make our lives help.
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  Speaker 1: But sometimes I think that they wake up thinking we
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  Speaker 1: are really doing our best to ruin their lives.
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  Speaker 2: I don't get it. The kids.
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  Speaker 1: They'll turn around and they'll be like, do you know
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  Speaker 1: where my shoes are? Or do you know where my
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  Speaker 1: lunchbox is? Or do you know where my school baggage?
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  Speaker 2: Or do you know who my swimming stuff is? And
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  Speaker 2: I'm like, why are you asking me?
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  Speaker 1: Like? Whose stuff is it? Do I ever ask you
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  Speaker 1: where my stuff is? And they look at me like
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  Speaker 1: I'm from another planet?
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  Speaker 3: Well you do ask me a lot where you're sunnglasses
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  Speaker 3: are or your wallet. But that's another story.
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  Speaker 2: Thank you for raising that.
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  Speaker 3: Oh.
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  Speaker 1: By the way, I'm justin here with Kylie, my wife.
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  Speaker 1: We're the parents of six kids. I've written a bunch
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  Speaker 1: of books about raising happy families and are on a
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  Speaker 1: website called Happyfamilies dot com dot au. Today we're talking
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  Speaker 1: about entitled kids. How do you know if you're raising
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  Speaker 1: on what can you do to make sure that you
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  Speaker 1: don't raise one? And what's the problem with being entitled?
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  Speaker 2: Anyway?
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  Speaker 3: It is a problem.
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  Speaker 2: Yes, soundm really confident about that. What's the problem with
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  Speaker 2: raising entitled kids?
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  Speaker 1: Kids that think that they deserve everything and that everyone
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  Speaker 1: should do stuff for them.
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  Speaker 2: Is that a real problem?
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  Speaker 3: It's a huge problem. It's really really hard when as
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  Speaker 3: a parent, every waking moment is spent thinking about how
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  Speaker 3: to make your children's lives as comfortable as possible. You
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  Speaker 3: want to make sure that they've got clothes to wear,
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  Speaker 3: and they've got food on the table, and that they
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  Speaker 3: can get to you know, the music lessons or the
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  Speaker 3: swimming lessons or whatever else it is that they're doing.
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  Speaker 3: I sometimes our kids just expect that everything is going
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  Speaker 3: to be done for them that they're not responsible for
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  Speaker 3: any of it, like where's my music books or where's
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  Speaker 3: my flipper is? Or I don't use them? But why
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  Speaker 3: am I responsible for all of that? As well as
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  Speaker 3: ensuring that you get from A to B because you're
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  Speaker 3: ten and you can't get there on your own, Do
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  Speaker 3: I have to look after your flippers as well?
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  Speaker 1: When I think about ingratitude and entitlement, what I do
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  Speaker 1: automatically is I go back to what research and ancient
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  Speaker 1: wisdom tell us about the importance of gratitude. This is
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  Speaker 1: a virtue, This is a characteristic of what I would
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  Speaker 1: call more refined, more elevated people over the centuries. And
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  Speaker 1: there's this acknowledgment that a person who takes everything for
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  Speaker 1: granted and has high expectations, they actually don't fit in
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  Speaker 1: well in society. It's almost like it's an unspoken reality
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  Speaker 1: that gratitude is simply it's important, not only because it
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  Speaker 1: helps us to feel good, but it inspires us to
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  Speaker 1: do good. And when we come across in gratitude, it
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  Speaker 1: makes us feel like we're taken for granted, like we're unimportant,
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  Speaker 1: like we're just an object. We're a slave in that
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  Speaker 1: person's life, and that's the big drama when it comes
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  Speaker 1: to entitlement our children. It's important as a society we
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  Speaker 1: value people valuing contribution. So I thought it'd be really
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  Speaker 1: interesting to talk about a handful of ways that you
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  Speaker 1: can tell if your kids are entitled.
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  Speaker 2: Some red flags, some red flags. Yeah yeah.
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  Speaker 1: So I was going through the list of different things
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  Speaker 1: that we could throw in there, and the first one
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  Speaker 1: that I thought was just the expectation that someone else
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  Speaker 1: is going to.
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  Speaker 3: Do it for me, like where are my flippers?
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  Speaker 2: Yeah? Yeah, yeah.
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  Speaker 1: I'm just astounded at how often the kids say to me,
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  Speaker 1: where's this? And I'm like, why haven't Every now and
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  Speaker 1: again one of the kids will say to us, why
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  Speaker 1: haven't you done that for me? I'm like, where is
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  Speaker 1: it in my job description that that's my job? Now?
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  Speaker 2: Now, let's be clear, if you're too I think that it's.
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  Speaker 1: Reasonable that you would have an expectation that someone else
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  Speaker 1: is going to do it or for you. And even
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  Speaker 1: with you're four or five or seven, there are many
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  Speaker 1: things that you still kind of need a lot of
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  Speaker 1: help with. So developmentally, it's important that we recognize that
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  Speaker 1: children do need us to do stuff. But that's the
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  Speaker 1: first red flag the older they get, the more they
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  Speaker 1: expect a little bit of a concern.
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  Speaker 3: I think another red flag is definitely when we don't
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  Speaker 3: involve our kids in chores or duties around the house.
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  Speaker 3: They just again, they just expect that the washing is
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  Speaker 3: going to end up on their bed, clean, folded and ironed.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, I keep on talking over you because I'm so
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  Speaker 1: passionate about what you've just said. But it's not about
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  Speaker 1: us not involving them, it's about them refusing. Just again,
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  Speaker 1: it's that expectation someone else can do it, and you
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  Speaker 1: want me to weed. I don't weed. Have you seen
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  Speaker 1: my nails? I don't get my hands dirty like that.
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  Speaker 1: It's that kind of thing. So not having chores, totally
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  Speaker 1: expecting someone else to do it. There are a couple
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  Speaker 1: of other things that I thought of, and you've probably
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  Speaker 1: got them on your list as well. So a third
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  Speaker 1: sign that you're raising an entitled child is when you
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  Speaker 1: tell them no and they just can't take it, like,
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  Speaker 1: but why not?
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  Speaker 2: But why not?
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  Speaker 1: I think that's every well it is, and I guess
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  Speaker 1: this is where the developmental thing comes in. And I'm
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  Speaker 1: not saying that we're supposed to be hardcore and.
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  Speaker 2: No means no one. That's all there is to it.
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  Speaker 1: I don't want to sort of drive that hard, authoritarian,
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  Speaker 1: suck it up princess kind of approach. That's not where
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  Speaker 1: I'm going, but just that thing like sometimes kids look
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  Speaker 1: at you and they're like, what do you mean No,
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  Speaker 1: You can't say.
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  Speaker 2: No to me. I'm twelve. I deserve better than this.
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  Speaker 3: Another one for me would just be they're bad losers.
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  Speaker 3: They really struggle to lose at a game, or to
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  Speaker 3: not be the head poncho.
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  Speaker 1: No one wants to be the head poncho. If you
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  Speaker 1: want to be a pancho, you want to be the
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  Speaker 1: full body poncho, not just the head poncho.
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  Speaker 2: So we don't want kids to be bad losers.
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  Speaker 1: We don't want them to be unable to take no
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  Speaker 1: for an answer, and we don't want them to be
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  Speaker 1: expecting that someone else is going to do it, or
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  Speaker 1: for them to never have to lift a finger.
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  Speaker 2: Not do any chores or duties.
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  Speaker 1: Now, it would be kind of obvious to say, well,
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  Speaker 1: if you don't want to raise entitled kids, just don't
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  Speaker 1: let any of that happen.
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  Speaker 2: But I think there's more to it.
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  Speaker 1: We need to kind of unpack how we can make
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  Speaker 1: sure that kids aren't being entitled, because it is a
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  Speaker 1: really unattractive way to be.
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  Speaker 2: No one likes an entitled adult. There is a name
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  Speaker 2: for them.
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  Speaker 1: It's such an unfortunate name to call somebody a Karen,
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  Speaker 1: But it's that whole entitled Karen attitude. I hate saying
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  Speaker 1: that because I know a couple of wonderful Karens. My
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  Speaker 1: mum is a Karen, and she's one of the most
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  Speaker 1: terrific people in the world. Mind you, sometimes she can
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  Speaker 1: be a bit of a Karen. Let's face it, sorry, mum,
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  Speaker 1: but let's talk about how we can make sure that
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  Speaker 1: we don't raise Karens and Kevin's, that we don't raise
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  Speaker 1: those entitled kids who don't take no for an answer,
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  Speaker 1: who are bad losers, who expect everything done for them
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  Speaker 1: and don't ever want to do a chore or a duty.
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  Speaker 2: Right after the break, it's the Happy Family's podcast.
• 7:46
  Speaker 3: For a happier family, Try a Happy Families membership, because
• 7:50
  Speaker 3: a happy family doesn't just happen.
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: Details at happy families dot com dot au.
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  Speaker 3: It's the Happy Families Podcast, the podcast for the time
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  Speaker 3: poor parent who just wants answers now, And today we've
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  Speaker 3: been talking about some red flags that would kind of
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  Speaker 3: help us recognize whether or not we are raising an
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  Speaker 3: entitled child. I think we have a few in our house.
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  Speaker 2: No, our kids are not entitled.
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  Speaker 1: They're perfect. They're absolutely fabulous. I was just thinking about
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  Speaker 1: what you said. So every day we say this. It's
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  Speaker 1: the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for the time poor
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  Speaker 1: parent who just wants answers?
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  Speaker 2: Now? Does that strike you as being a bit entitled?
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  Speaker 2: I'm just getting them to me give me the answer.
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  Speaker 3: Now.
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  Speaker 2: I'm entitled to it. I deserve it.
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  Speaker 1: I want it, and I want it for free, and
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  Speaker 1: I want it now, and I want it on a plate.
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  Speaker 2: I want to take a message as well. I'm just
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  Speaker 2: kidding of you what.
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  Speaker 3: I think it'd be great if we gave them some answers.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, let's do that, Okay.
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  Speaker 1: My first answer is we have to be a model
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  Speaker 1: of gratitude ourselves. If we act entitled, if we act
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  Speaker 1: like we expect the children to be our slaves, if
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  Speaker 1: we act as though we are entitled, when we walk
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  Speaker 1: into a store and make demands and say but I
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  Speaker 1: expect more, or where at the restaurant say I can't
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  Speaker 1: believe that you didn't give me enough ice cream in
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  Speaker 1: my thirty cent yuck Donald's ice cream cone. I deserve
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  Speaker 1: more ice cream in my cone than that. If we
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  Speaker 1: have that entitlement in the way we behave with others,
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  Speaker 1: whether it's our children or people outside of our family,
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  Speaker 1: we shouldn't be surprised that our children also feel entitled.
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  Speaker 2: We've known people, We've been in restaurants with people. From
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  Speaker 2: time to time.
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  Speaker 1: We've been that person who walks up to that poor
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  Speaker 1: staff member and says, really unhappy with this, not good enough.
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  Speaker 1: I'm paying good money and I expect better now. It
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  Speaker 1: is true that there should be a certain level of
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  Speaker 1: service when you're paying for something. I get that, But
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  Speaker 1: there's a sense of entitlement that sometimes goes along with
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  Speaker 1: that that's unhealthy. We've got to be a model. That's
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  Speaker 1: my first suggestion.
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  Speaker 2: What about you. I think it's.
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  Speaker 3: Important that children have responsibilities in any home. It requires
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  Speaker 3: a team effort to help the home function, to help
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  Speaker 3: the family function, and regardless of their age, there are
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  Speaker 3: age appropriate things that each of our children could be
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  Speaker 3: doing that would help the team. You know, our family
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  Speaker 3: is a team, and they help the family, help the
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  Speaker 3: team to actually be able to function. Efficiently, effectively, and
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  Speaker 3: we work together.
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  Speaker 2: That's the key. In fact, I've got that written down.
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  Speaker 1: That was going to be the next thing that I said,
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  Speaker 1: to sort of extend on your idea when children are young,
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  Speaker 1: and even when they're older and capable of doing things
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  Speaker 1: on their own, working together, letting everybody know that we
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  Speaker 1: all participate, that we're all in and making sure that
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  Speaker 1: we go through an induction process to help the children
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  Speaker 1: learn how to do stuff. That's how you minimize entitlement.
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  Speaker 1: We're all in this together, we're all working on this,
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  Speaker 1: we're figuring it out, we're going to we're going to
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  Speaker 1: all contribute to the household. That's how you make sure
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  Speaker 1: you don't raise entitle kids.
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  Speaker 3: Do you have anything else for us?
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  Speaker 2: Yeah?
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  Speaker 1: I want to really go back to that idea of
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  Speaker 1: I said that you're at risk of raising an entitled
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  Speaker 1: child if they can't take no for an answer. But
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  Speaker 1: I think that I just need to pause on that
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  Speaker 1: for a moment, maybe double click and go a little
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  Speaker 1: bit deeper. I don't know that it's helpful for us
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  Speaker 1: to say I've told you no, and if you don't
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  Speaker 1: accept my no, that you're entitled. I kind of think
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  Speaker 1: we need to soften that just a little bit and
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  Speaker 1: be gentle around that. Children have strong desires and they
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  Speaker 1: often don't know how to manage and regulate their emotions
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  Speaker 1: and their behaviors when they get refusal on that thing
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  Speaker 1: that matters to them. So I just want to emphasize
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  Speaker 1: if we say no, it's really helpful to say I
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  Speaker 1: wish that you could, but here are some reasons that
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  Speaker 1: I have to say no today. Provide a little bit
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  Speaker 1: of a rational attle, bit of an explanation. Wouldn't it
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  Speaker 1: be great if we could go to the park. Wouldn't
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: be awesome if you could have your friends over for
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  Speaker 1: a sleepover. Unfortunately this weekend we've got this going on.
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  Speaker 1: What can we do about maybe making it happen later?
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  Speaker 1: So a hard no doesn't have to be a hard no.
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  Speaker 3: Well, I think that's where we run into trouble when
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  Speaker 3: we just say no and we don't give our children
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  Speaker 3: an opportunity to understand why we're saying no.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, I reckon.
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  Speaker 1: The other thing that I would say to make sure
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  Speaker 1: that we don't raise entitled kids is to minimize competition.
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  Speaker 1: We were talking about bad losers. When we reduce competition and
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  Speaker 1: we focus more on collaboration. Kids are less likely to
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  Speaker 1: lose badly because they're not losing anything because they're collaborating,
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  Speaker 1: not competing. And I know that we live in a
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  Speaker 1: competitive world, but competition isn't good for kids.
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  Speaker 2: There's enough research.
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  Speaker 1: Around to say that we need to let our kids
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  Speaker 1: grow up and figure out life a bit before we
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  Speaker 1: start making them dive into mutually exclusive situations where winning
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  Speaker 1: or losing are the only likely outcomes. Reducing competition means
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  Speaker 1: that kids aren't going to feel entitled to come out
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  Speaker 1: as top dog, because there is no top dog when
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  Speaker 1: you're not in a competition.
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  Speaker 3: So the main take homes from today are give our
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  Speaker 3: children responsibilities, make sure that they're age appropriate.
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  Speaker 1: And work with them, especially if we want it to
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  Speaker 1: be successful and they're tired, or they're hungry or it's
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: just too big, work with them.
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  Speaker 3: Perfect and then when we say no, give them an explanation,
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  Speaker 3: help them to understand, work through that process with them.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, and just be a good example. Don't be entitled.
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  Speaker 1: Sit around the table at the end of the day
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  Speaker 1: and say what we're grateful for today, what's awesome in
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  Speaker 1: your life? What have you got to really appreciate, what's
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: great right.
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  Speaker 2: Now about the lives we live.
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  Speaker 1: Because we live great lives, we have so much to
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: be appreciative of and it helps to overcome.
• 13:19
  Speaker 2: The scourge of entitlement.
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  Speaker 1: Hey, we really hope that you've enjoyed our conversations today
• 13:23
  Speaker 1: about entitled kids. The podcast is produced by Justin Ruland
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our executive producer, and
• 13:31
  Speaker 1: we'd love for you to tell other people about the podcast,
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: either by sending them a link and saying, hey, listen
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: to this, it was great, or just jump onto Apple
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  Speaker 1: Podcasts and leave five star ratings and reviews so that
• 13:41
  Speaker 1: others can find out about the podcast and make their
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: family happier. As always, if you'd like more info about
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: making your family happier, you can find it at happyfamilies
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: dot com dot au