Latest / Sutra Squad / Ep. 10 - Sutra 4.28 On the Obstacles of our Preferences
Transcript
- Seth Barron: It's how do we honor the past and acknowledge it without letting it consume us and drive our choices. Don't let that wounded child make your adult decisions. Hello and welcome to the Sutra Squad podcast brought to you by One Deep Breath. My name is Seth Barron. It is such a tremendous joy to be with you today. And I've got our Sutra Squad superstars, Sarah Page Hall. Good morning, afternoon or evening. And Sally Moore. Hello. Hi. We are so, so, so grateful for your presence and for your attention. ⁓ to join us for another week of conversation about the Yoga Sutra, our favorite topic. And we're sort of getting ready to finish our, we're winding down to the end of ⁓ our greatest hit series here. And last week we talked about the subjectivity of perception. And this week we're gonna talk about a sort of like, I don't know, almost like a little warning. that we get toward the end of the text around our past impressions. So much to discuss. But first, Sally, tell us a word that describes how you feel right now. Grateful. The minute I see you. Thank you both. Thank you, Sally. Sarah Page. Little darker. Exhausted. I'm exhausted. I'm gonna be really transparent. Exhausted. I'm like, full. I'm feeling full. Life is very full and that's an incredible blessing. yeah, it's like a little bit of like that moment, when, you there's like, you're sort of wondering is like, is the one more feather just gonna float down and just like upset the whole apple cart, that kind of full. Okay. And we're here. and there's no other place I want to be right now. So we're going to look at verse 28 of the fourth chapter in the Yoga Sutra. And as a quick reminder, the fourth chapter is the chapter, the Kaivalya Pada, which is the chapter on freedom or liberation. We go from beginning at the end in the Samadhi Pada, the first chapter, to the chapter of practice, the Sadhana Pada, like how do get there? The third chapter, the Vibhuti Pada, which is like what, what are the powers or what arises along the path. And then if there is to be, I don't want to say a goal, let's say an outcome, an ultimate outcome of yoga, it is ⁓ kairvalya, which is ⁓ often translated as freedom or liberation. And so in the 28th verse, it's another short one, so very easy to follow along if you want to chant. with me. The four words are hanam, esham, chleshavad, ukhtam. And if you are able and you would like to, you can take a moment and just notice how you're sitting and maybe sit up. ⁓ there, I just got a couple inches taller by putting some attention to my asana, my seat. and just take another couple cycles of breath just to land. And if you'd like, can bring your hands together in front of your heart and join me for a resonant vibration of om. Take a full deep breath in. Let it go. for our om inhale. chanting verse 428. Hanam Esham Kleshavad Uktam Hanam Esham Kleshavad Uktam Tanam Esham Kleshavad Uktam If you've read the Yoga Sutra before, you might recognize a word here, klesha. And klesha is obstacle or impediment or a barrier. when we go in and spend a little more time as we go through the sutras in the year to come, there's a series in the beginning of the second chapter where Master Patanjali outlines the primary kleshas, the... the primary obstacles to yoga, avidya, asmita, ragadvesa, abhinavesa, which are the five, ⁓ ignorance or misunderstanding or misknowing, I am-ness or egoism, pleasure, pain, and abhinavesa, the clinging to life as these sort of ultimate or essential obstacles. And so, as we've gone now through, now we're close to the end of the fourth chapter, we get this sort of admonition, and it has to do with the kleshas of past impressions. So the verse before, I'm going to read translations from Sri Swami Satchidananda. Verse 27 is translated that Distracting thoughts may arise due to past impressions. and then this verse. He translates this, they can be removed as in the case of obstacles explained before. So it's, or the ending of these, ⁓ this is from the American Sanskrit workbook, ⁓ the American Sanskrit Institute workbook, excuse me. The ending of these, samskara, is achieved as described for the klesha root causes of pain, that is by pratiprasava, non-activation, or like how we, like by the same path of the resolution of these kleshas. And then Master Ayyengar in Light on the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali gives us this, in the same way as the sadhaka, the student, strives to be free from afflictions, the yogi must handle these latent impressions judiciously to extinguish them. And then the last one that I'll offer that I think is really fascinating is from the Jiva Mukti chant book. And as is the case often, ⁓ co-founder of Jiva Mukti Yoga Share and Ganon gives an artistic and somewhat poetic interpretation here that I find really quite powerful. The greatest obstacle to the practice is one's own prejudices based on one's own preferences. The greatest obstacle to the practice is one's own prejudices based on one's own preferences. So our preferences, our habit are the obstacle to our practice. Sarah Page or Sally, whoever wants to jump in, what other translations of this verse resonate with you? You get all of mine. I was good. I had Iyengar and the champ book, but I love all of them. as I like to do, go into Master Edwin Bryant. One of the things he said, and I love this, because this is very similar to, we always have a little bit of a chat right before to kind of check in. And were talking about this and it said the removal in parenthesis of these previous samskaras is said to be like the removal of the kleshas of philections. And then he goes on and he says, just as the kleshas become burnt seeds incapable of sprouting, the seeds of latent samskaras might arise and interrupt the yogi meditation and likewise singed by the fire of knowledge. The kleshas we recall the cause of samskaric existence. Once they are burnt up, they do not provoke action, and thus no further samskaras are generated. A samskara is a scar, is a deep, I'd like to just say ⁓ wound, that has, it could be something that was developed when you were three, something that developed, you know, I don't think that there's an age limit on a samskara. I think that most of our listening audience can probably relate to the fact that something that hurt their feelings when they were four is something that might have shaped their personality, their ego, the way that we think. And so the idea of burning up these kleshas so that the samskaras don't affect us as much anymore, boy, that's the work. Thank you for offering that ⁓ to that definition of samskara. It's an important word in the yogic philosophical system. and an important idea or construct to start to understand. Sally, what about for you? The translation that I noted was those impressions may be removed in the same way as the other obstacles or cliches. And that's from Unravel the Thread by Ruben Vasquez. And I did this similar to what you did earlier is I looked back one sutra and I really liked the... ⁓ the translation of the sutra before by the same from Unravel the Thread. And it said, some latent impressions may still generate internal activity. ⁓ And I love that, like... Some latent impressions may generate internal activity. Yeah. And I think that's it. Like, there's the samskaras, right? There's the samskaras, the story or the scar. But then under that, I love that there's the kleshas, like the possible reasons why it's there, useful as we look in. Yeah, it's, think Alta's presence too, it's, it went back and took like cross referenced because this is a, like there's also after the description of the kleshas, Master Patanjali explains like how they're to be resolved. And it said that it is a process of At least I love Master Iyengar's translation of this. It's a process of involution. like, that, that it's like, it's like, which is like sort of like implosion. Like it's like a turning in involution. that, like it's, and I think the reason it's really useful to presence that is because we live in a world where we're constantly seeking external or extrinsic stimulus. And we're told, ⁓ just like take this pill and fix your problems. If you write like like that the solution or what you're looking for is somehow outside of yourself. It's the I'll be happy when myth to like, ⁓ well, when this external thing comes, then everything will be OK or I'll be happy. Which is which like if you've ever actually done that to yourself and we all have, we all do. And if you pay attention, you know, it's actually not like it doesn't actually like that thing you think you want isn't when you acquire it. There's a moment of fleeting happiness perhaps, but it is not what unlocks like the real deeper happiness. And it's only turning inward that allows us to discover. ⁓ Sally, I'm so glad you referenced 27 because so does I, Ingar. But what I love is he references often what we learn, know, tapas, heat, discipline. And he says, to your point, Sally, as 427 stated, and he goes on, but what I love is that he goes, as roasted seeds do not germinate, so the fire of wisdom must burn out impressions and ambitions, ending their power to generate disturbing thoughts so that the consciousness maintains its union with the seer forever. So basically through the fire, through that tapas, through the heat, it ends the power. And I love that. Ending the power. It's the involution, right? It's funny because three of us also, our common lineage is in a heated. practice in a lineage that's most often taught in a room that's like 92 to 96 is what we hit here in New York for the studio. And the real heat, you know, the point of that heat is not to impose the heat from externally. The point of the heat is to support the heat we generate from within. I mean, I've been in a room and there's no tapas and like I barely break a sweat. And I've been in a room the same temperature and made a puddle on my mat. And that is from the, again, the tapas, the heat or the friction, again, that's generated, that I generate. As opposed to just walking into a hot room and thinking that'll fix it. ⁓ that'll fix it. ⁓ And there's this sort of thing, like, you know, we do that until we finally get to a point where it just doesn't work. Sometimes it takes some exhaustion. Sometimes it takes, like, just a complete and total fail. And sometimes we're able to notice the sort of arising of these latent or past impressions. And to me, think that's like one of the biggest, most critical first steps in this journey is like, how do you even notice the presence of those samskaras? How do you notice when those past impressions arises? Because it doesn't always show up of like, ⁓ that's just like what my ex-husband used to say. And so therefore I'm taking this like that. And now I'm having this moment of like of like feeling that echo. Right. ⁓ If it was that easy, if it was that easy. But it's not that easy. So, either one of you can jump in. What is that sense of, how do you notice those samskaras or the presence of those past and latent impressions? Do you mean like when do they come up? Just how do you, yeah, how do you notice them? Is it in a specific set of circumstances? it... ⁓ I love that question. Because I've never considered is it in a certain set of, is it a certain situation? That's a really good question. And yes, immediately as soon as you said that something popped to mind, ⁓ I'm not going to go deep into it, but it's usually in a situation for me, my deepest sims cara is I remember when I was five, five years old and walking across the playground and being bullied, you know, and I remember it vividly. It was an October day, sunny, beautiful in Florida, Timberlane School, Tallahassee. And ⁓ I mean, I remember it. was wearing a cute little pleather dress, knee socks. It was the 60s, that's right. And I was helping out a friend, and this is what I do. There were two girls playing jail, like holding hands, and another girl in the middle, and they were rocking back and forth. And the girl in the middle was calling out my name to save her. So of course I go over there being a good friend and I am was the tallest girl and the biggest girl in the class. And so I ripped him apart and they started screaming at me and it hurt me to this day. It brings up emotion. Like, so my story about that is, and so they did it again. I start walking across the playground. It's the first time I remember being bullied. I was in first grade, I guess, walking across the playground. And they're calling my name again, like I'm going to do it again. And I remember thinking, hell no, I am not going back there. I'm not going to do that again. And that was when the guard started, when I started protecting myself. I will say one of the most spiritual experiences was also on that day when I felt a kiss on my cheek. Vividly remember it. Felt a kiss on my cheek. I looked around, there's nobody there. And I've always known I had a guardian angel because somebody kissed me on my cheek. But Regardless, that was the first time that I remember feeling different or other that I didn't fit in. And that is my deepest sims cara that I don't fit in, that I am different, that there is something other about me either because I am too much. I'm not enough. I got big hair. My hair is pulled back. Whatever it is, there is something quotation not right about me. And I'll never forget it. That is my deepest sims cara. So when it comes up for me. is usually in a group of people when I feel. overwhelmed. And I often do. I'm a very introverted extrovert. I will be there for just enough time that I can make a quick exit. I will always be the first one to leave a party because I don't want to get hurt. That is where that shows up for me. Very good question, Seth. I'll be journaling on that in a bit, but it's still there. Thank you. Sally, how about you? Well, I would say that it usually starts for me, excuse me, as a thought. or a feeling of being unwanted, similar to what Sarah Page was describing, but I feel like this thought or feeling comes to my body. But sometimes in the moment, like I catch the thought or feeling and I can create a little distance to discern. And sometimes this trigger happens so fast that I am somewhere else in the middle of this moment, whatever it is. I realized that A trigger on repeat comes from the stories of being unwanted, unlovable, alone in the world. I was thinking as we were talking a few minutes ago, ⁓ was I'm thinking about being, I don't know why this came to mind, being in an art gallery. And when the glaciers, when I can keep them like on the wall, because we're not, I don't think we're trying to shut anything out. But if I can keep them on the wall and I'm looking at them from a distance, as a gallery is often set up, I have ⁓ space for discernment. It's about the space for me. But once in a while, it's like someone threw paint on me and I am them. And so what I'm noticing is when I do finally catch the feeling or the story whirling around, This is something that I need to tend to and lovingly set free. Like it's, can I create distance and not shut it out? But like, can I have these paintings? Because it just, I feel the freedom in my body when I consider paintings on a wall. And you know, we can have different feelings about different paintings, but can we keep our attention over there versus being doused with paint? in the middle of or like getting, it feels like getting pulled into the painting as opposed to looking at the painting. So this is, I, you know, it's funny, I hadn't even thought of this, this, and this just happened last week. So it was like a week ago, Saturday, I was in the locker room after class at Men's locker rooms at yoga studios are always small. This is a fact. Fact. So all you ladies out there, if you're wondering, it's like half the size. I've worked at studios long enough to have been inside women's locker rooms and I'm like, it's like, you can put a couch in here. Like, we're all like, know, anyway, so it's small. It's a small space. And somebody asked another, like one guy asked another guy and like, and it's a very friendly vibe. This is a class like it's a Saturday. It's a super packed Saturday morning class and a lot of regulars and like a lot of us know each other and have known each other for a long time. Like, I mean, it's a class. I practiced with this teacher for 10 years in January. So one guy asked another guy if he was going to shower after class. It was sweaty. And he was like, no. And then he goes, he says, I'm a real man. And he was like, I said, and I, it wasn't said to me and I couldn't help it. My big fat mouth, I just said, excuse me? And he's like, you know, like I'm gonna write, he said something like, and I said, oh, you know, come over here and I'll show you what a real man is, honey. Okay? And I said it just like that, very loud. And he says like, oh, you know, I'm just joking. I said, I know what I heard. And I'll show you something if you, you know, like, And it's like, and I, I, I, I clap back and I didn't let it go. And, and he was like, oh, and I heard him. And then I like walked like two, two steps to get like into the shower stall that was open. And he said something like, oh, you know, it's that take a joke or something. And I was like, yeah, you know, we're all joking until we're not. I, was like, it was activating right now. If I'm really honest, like, did I probably clap back a little bit more strong than was necessary in the moment? I'm sure. And. There's a part of me that actually was like, well, did that make him uncomfortable? And then my part of me says like, okay, well, maybe you should be uncomfortable. I've been uncomfortable a lot in these spaces. And I don't have a lot of space for language that could make other people uncomfortable. And then I like kept chewing on it. And I was like, why am I chewing on this? Like, this is like a stupid, inartful. And I do think like kind of heterosexist and... and heteronormative and a little hyper masculine commentary, even though it was said in jest and playfully, there's always truth at the root of humor. And I thought about what was activated for me, right? And it was that sense that locker rooms were not a safe place for this little queer kid at all, not at all. I did not like sports, I did not like the way other boys were around sports. I knew, ⁓ I knew it was not for me. Even way before I could put words to what that felt like. So what activated in that moment was a real fear of, is this safe? And when I thought about the fact that like, It is both true that I probably overreacted a little bit and am I okay if he was made a little uncomfortable? Both of the answers to that is yes. And if I had the chance and if I see him again and he'd be open to it, I'd totally love to sit there, like sit down with him and unpack it a little and say, look, first of all, I did not, I did clap back a little stronger than was necessary and I know that you don't intend to oppress or, like I don't believe that that's your intention in the least. And if you're open to hearing it like, I'd love to share with you a little bit about what was going on for my reaction so that when you're in other spaces, you might be a little bit more judicious or like you might be just aware of how that lands, right? Because the practice then, and this is Sally to your point about like looking at the gallery versus like getting pulled in is can we shorten that cycle? and cultivate the discernment that what was is not what is. Right? Like, no one, I don't believe anyone, there were gay and straight people, and like, I don't think any of the men in that room had any desire to make anyone else not feel safe, comfortable, or welcome in that moment. Right? And I still had this like, instinctive reaction to like, protect myself. And now like, whereas like, the childhood me would have just like, quietly like, looked a skulk away, in this moment I was like, no, not in my house. And I felt the need to like assert myself. And it's that, but like I got pulled into the painting, right? Like I got like stirred up in it. Well, is there a gift in, I'm not sure if you said what age, your eight year old or whatever age person felt like that in a locker room? Like, is there some beauty in us being willing to have conversations like this new person, I don't know, in their thirties or forties, I'll make up a story, can. bring back this situation in a way that actually there can be some healing around it. Well, there's a whole load of therapy around that. Yeah, there is. There really is. There's a lot of therapy, like IFS does with that. lot of somatic experiencing kind of work deals with that from a more physiological place. And none of us are therapists, and so we're not having... And this isn't a therapy podcast, it's a yoga sutra podcast, right? right. But the principle is highly useful for our own consideration here around... One of the ways I knew that that past impression was activated, because I felt my face flush. And I felt my heart beating in my throat. And it was immediate, was like a nanotech, all of sudden was... I have to reference inside Patanjali's words by Jagannath Kareya, because... It's exactly on point and. ⁓ ⁓ I needed this today. He says the subconscious, these subconscious impressions, some scars can be removed the same way as was described for the root causes of suffering. And I think that we forget it is the root, the root is the clashes. But what he says to your point, Sally, like, how can we go back? His prescription is meditation, which some people think, ⁓ you know, we throw it away. No, I mean, I think that you just referenced that a little bit, right? We sit down with it. We get clear about it. We don't gloss over it. But here it is, tracing them back to their root cause. Five-year-old self on the playground. You know, whatever. And this is what I love. Little gay boy in the locker room. Little gay boy in the locker room. Uninterrupted, discriminative discernment. Discernment. uninterrupted meditation, discriminative, tracing them back, discernment. And where there is, and something we were talking about pre-class was how often we say that we are sorry for things. Like, Seth, I was so impressed by what you just said. Sitting down with that person, you never once said I would apologize to that person. You would want to have a clearing. You would want to maybe say, I may be overreacting. Yeah, like I want to unpack it. I don't know if I really Are you sorry about it? am that girl. That is the first thing and it probably harkens back to that very early sims cara. I'm so sorry that I broke you out of jail. I'm sorry that I hurt you know that that that I sneezed and you apologized. Oh yeah I did. I still do it right before we started recording. I'm sorry somebody passes gas. Oh I'm so sorry. Are you okay? You know it's that is I'm saying that playfully with you. Oh, know. And I love you. know myself well enough and I know I do It's fascinating thing, right? Why do I do that? I'm not sorry. I'm not sorry. Well, and I wonder if jumping to I'm sorry, which I think a lot of us have been trained to do, like I've been I'm grateful for yoga because it's untrained the sorry and I'm always sorry if I hurt you in some way. am sorry, you know, but being sorry for things that we don't need to be sorry at, it almost is a way to bypass the work of slowing down, looking in, getting curious, where did this come from? Is it true? It's funny the shortcuts we think we're taking or how we, I keep myself out of this inquiry. It's easier to just go, sorry. Yeah, it's Let me fix it. Yeah, let me fix that. I have recently, and I know that this is a new thing, but it's been very detrimental to me, is people ghosting. And instead of... Having that, it's such a, I'm sorry, but it is such a, I'm gonna say it, it is a cowardly way to avoid conflict. Where there doesn't have to be conflict, there may need to be a conversation. The repair, as you have referenced before, Seth, comes in the conversation and then the difficult conversations. This difficult conversation in the sutra is with yourself. Yeah, that's it, that's it. You know, okay. need to have that with anybody else. might need to get clear and I will go to people that I trust deeply like you, like Seth, like Sally. I will go, okay, am I on the right path? this the way, you know, am I askew? Am I discerning correctly? Is this, am I on the right path? Usually that's what I'll ask, you know, Seth or Sally. will say, am I on the right path? And because I don't want to veer off to taking accountability for what I don't need to be accountable for to make it better, to make it go away. it funny? It's like, and when one of these, and one of these moments arises, I think for a long time I used to be, and I think a habit I had was like the reliving it and the rehashing it and the reliving it and the sort of like, like letting it run over and over and over on a loop in my mind. and then analyzing how I should have responded and didn't do this. So there's a part of me that, again, maybe five years ago, I don't know, like that Seth, would have seen that moment in the locker room and then felt badly that I clapped back at that guy and been in a loop of like how, a loop of wrongness. That like, ⁓ that maybe I overreacted, and maybe I made him feel something that I did, like, just, like, just off in the spin of it. And obviously, like, I've given it thought because I'm talking about it. ⁓ And I noticed my, and I noticed that too, like, another tell is like when I'm in, like, if I'm like really rehashing an experience, I think now I've sort of, like, that discriminative discernment is like now I have a little bit more curiosity as to what's underneath it. huh, you're really like playing that one again and playing the hits. Like what's going on there? ⁓ As opposed to just like the constant reactivation and reactivation and reactivation. And then thinking, and I guess here's the thing, right? I used to think like, ⁓ need to vent this to somebody and have someone to tell me I'm right. Like again, maybe five, 10 years ago, I would have walked out of the studio and called. either one of you, I just like, can you believe what this guy said? And da da da da da da. And I would have recruited you into my rightness. And we would have validated your rightness. exactly. But the truth is that I wouldn't actually feel better. I'd feel validated, but I'd still be in the doom loop of it. And it makes me think so. I'd heard this quote before, and then a couple of weeks ago, I stumbled onto the source material. So Ram Dass. the amazing modern spiritual master and teacher. I'd seen this quote, and I'm gonna paraphrase it because his actual words are like his own and they're so beautiful and like, well, and if you ever need more podcasts, please continue to listen to the Sutras on podcast, like and subscribe. And ⁓ the Live Surf Foundation, ⁓ which is the sort of the organization dedicated to continuing or and continuing to publish ⁓ and share the teachings of Ram Dass. Born Richard Albert and then took on a spiritual journey, ⁓ publishes his whole catalog of lectures that they have recorded. there are hundreds of hours of talks given by Ram Dass, anywhere from the 70s all the way into the 90s all the way. So this was a talk that he gave, and he said it as an aside. He said, by the way, and he was giving an address to a room of psychiatrists, and he's a former psychiatrist. He says, never have I resolved a single one of my neuroses. After all of my years of meditation, of yoga, of psychedelics, of training, of analysis, he was a Freudian in his academic training. ⁓ After all of my years, and he lists off all the things that he's done, after all of my years of all of these things, never once, never have I resolved a single one of my neuroses. But instead of, them arriving as demons that hijack me. Now I just see them as a little schmoo who I can invite in for tea. And he literally is like, ⁓ hello, sexual perversity. Come on in. And what I love so much, I I'm a big fan. And part of what I love about it is, and he actually talks about this in this talk, I think it's the same talk, he's so human. And he talks about how ironic it is that he's gone on this literally lifelong quest to be more spiritual. And the reason that people, and what people so often reflect to him, is that he's so human. And there's something so human about just acknowledging those samskaras, those past impressions, those neuroses. With humor. Right, and he uses humor with softness. And he just says, that's just a little shmoo. You know, in that same, in that same, um, I listened to a lot of these kinds of things when I'm driving to and from Metuchen to work. Um, you outed me. love a murder podcast. Full discretion. sorry. was like halfway out of my mouth. had to say it. You had to say it. It's all good. I make fun of Sarah Page for the murder podcast. A lot. And it's good. It's very domestic. It is. And I listened to them all day yesterday. Anyway, So, but I was listening to Ram Dass talking about he was on this major, you know, month-long sort of vipassana retreat with the monks, and he got a call that his father was deeply ill and he needed to go home. And the monk said, well, you're not, you know, a renunciant, so I can't really make you stay, but I'm going to advise you to stay. And it was interesting. was like, well, what is he going to do? Is he going to, you know, what's Ram Dass going to do? He's Ram Dass. And he left and he said, you know, he goes, the fact is that I'm a good Jewish boy. My father is sick. I have to go home. So even for all of his Ram Dassness, his, you know, he is enlightened. He has a guru. He is a Jungian psychologist. All of these are psychiatrists. All of these things. He's still good Jewish boy whose daddy was sick and he had to go home. But what I loved about that was the softness, and that's what I'm working on, going back to the sutra, that's what I'm working on, is softening the samskara, not making it overwhelming and bad, and I am a bad person and I haven't grown, I'm not, you know, I haven't grown, I'm still blah, blah, blah, as much studying and training and training true love for this study, all of it. I still am that five-year-old girl on the playground. Now, does it have the same hold over me as it did when I was five? No. I've done a lot of work. I'm 64. I have done an enormous amount of work. But then there are days when my defenses are down, like this morning, my defenses are down. I'm a little edgier. I'm tired. It comes up a little bit more. Dramatically and so what do I do I sit down with my friends and I talk about it the expression like the acronym halt right hungry angry lonely tired these are the moments when like our defenses are down and The past impressions can arise with more ease So then the so like there's this question too, which is I don't think it's useful To use the framing like getting over it I really just like this language of like, get over it. Like, just get it. Like when somebody tells you or you hear somebody else say like, when somebody's upset or something, just get over it. Because Or that's your ego. You know? Well, this is, because this is also where it gets like how we start to, again, cultivate the discernment between like the toxicity of accountability. I'm going to call that the toxicity of accountability because there's the toxicity, like, like, The toxic or the really self-inflicted harm version is the over-assumption of accountability, as in, I'm responsible for what that other person did. That's the constant apologizing, as if somehow it's always your responsibility to make it okay for other people. And that like, when that person says something mean to me or like... ⁓ Like the toxicity in like in my little example is like I would like how wrong I was to make that guy uncomfortable or whatever. Or over accountability. over accountability as opposed to saying like no I am accountable for the fact that like I clap back and probably a little hard. It's like how do we honor the past and acknowledge it. without letting it. and consume us and drive our choices. Like I actually heard this from a drag queen on an episode of RuPaul's Drag Race once, which I loved. I love this turn of phrase. Don't let that wounded child make your adult decisions. That was my wounded child making an adult decision in that moment of like, let me show you what a real man is. Oh, I love love that this whole scenario took place immediately following a yoga class. I know. It's just because like it is and and it's amazing at how like how fast these things like they it's a flash like Sally you were talking before. So beautifully about. You know how how in your ancestral lineage is like. A lot of a lot of trauma and there's a way of like being aware of it and honoring it. Without letting it tell you who you are now. Yeah, it's funny. think for me that what I'm really coming to is building consciously building time in my day in my life to stop doing and be. And I think that's what this practices are like. And then there's times to me when there's a quick. ⁓ What is it a reaction versus a response? And then maybe those are the moments where. It's like, okay, step back, take a breath. Like there's something here. And I love this. Like get curious, where did this come from? And is it true today? And I feel like sometimes what I'm discovering about myself, think earlier I was sharing with the divorce, like I put things a lot on my divorce and I thought I'd kind of work through most of that because here we are, divorcees learning the lessons. But it's interesting because what I think I've discovered and I don't know the gallery thing is really working for me is like there are rooms in my gallery where I can hang up my past as a way to just look and understand myself better, but not define myself or box myself. And then there's actually things that I've sort of, it's almost like if you're at a gallery and it hasn't been unveiled yet and there's a sheet over the painting and Can I just pull the veil down a little bit and look at this? And for me, often it requires some compassion toward the younger person living inside of me that was told the opposite, keep doing, stopping, just keep doing, keep doing, keep doing. Yeah, I'm like, can I pause and say, hey, you younger me? I see all that doing you were doing and you're safe here. You can be. And then suddenly I can take the heavy veil off the painting and they become paintings of my life, all different types, like violent and calm and beautiful and ugly. And it's simply a gallery of my life. Like that's what I'm, I'm really discovering through this. I just, I'm sitting here with my hand in my heart because that really just landed very powerfully for me. ⁓ That moment of just like, hey, hey little Seth, you're safe. That's the word that keeps coming up safe. The Simscaras rear their heads for me when I feel unsafe. I often feel unsafe, which is interesting. because I was an actor for many years, I performed in front of lots and lots of people, but I'm never comfortable in a crowd, not really. And because I was never made to feel truly safe, I was different, I was other, I was too this, too that, too fat, too loud, too this, too you know, everything. And I don't feel safe. Consequently, I still... If I go to a party, if I go to a party, I will be the first one to leave. Inevitably. So I don't make a mistake. It's a bypass of sorts so that I'm not too much. I'm not to this. I'm not to that. Or I don't feel like I don't fit in. I don't belong. I'm not right. I need to leave. And that's what I do. ⁓ I did not go to our staff party this year because I would rather have taught. I'm not a very good bowler, but at the very Bottom of it, have actually bounced a bowling ball from one lane to another. It's a special skill. Every time. I'm the worst. Every time. I remember the bowling guy said, I don't know that I've ever seen that. And I'm like, that's all I need to hear. When the bowling man says, I don't know, he's like 108 years old and has been bowling since. But it's the truth. I was able to say, well, I don't really like bowling. And I would rather teach, think. But the bottom of it really was and is, I don't feel comfortable. I don't know where I would sit. I'm not sure. And that's ridiculous because I have a lot of friends at the studio. I would have been fine. But the story of the simsacra is, you're five years old. You don't fit in. Just do what is comfortable. Do the thing you know. Sarah Page, it's so interesting for me to hear you see that because I see you as outgoing and vivacious. so that's this interesting thing is like who people, I see you as the life of the party. And so this is like a really important part of it too, is what we see might not be the truth. We just need to be careful what we- We need to be kind to people. Not nice. comes back to kindness. Yeah. Well, I mean, that's the real involution, right? That's the turning, because it's that moment of like the turning. It's like, again, it's the difference between calling somebody to validate your rightness and vent versus... calling in, turning in with the curiosity of like, ooh, what's going on here? Like, I'm rubbing my center of my chest, like what's going on in my heart right now? What's the shmoo? And there's no, right, who's that little shmoo? And I need to like let them in and sit down for tea and just be like, you know, and that it's not from without. That's what I also love about when I use yoga is for everyone. And I'm looking up on Wednesday afternoon in two classes in a row, I teach yin, which is the way I teach it, slow, cool room, holding postures, really challenging for some people. I teach nidra, which is basically guided meditation, really challenging for some people. also really easy for some people. And then I teach a power vinyasa, really challenging for some people and some people's preferences. So I love that, you know, when people say yoga is for everyone, there's so many styles at yoga. Someone, I was at an event last night and someone was talking about a style I hadn't even learned about, like that I want to look up. But when people say yoga is for everyone, this is for everyone. That's what I was about to say, Sally, is that This is also yoga, what we're doing right here right now. This is capital Y yoga for me. so there's this now I get when people, because sometimes I thought, ooh, someone walks into my class at the power of vinyasa and they're like, my doctor sent me here, you know, I a high blood pressure. have a, I'm in a tough physical state. I'm in a tough mental and inside I'm like, take care of yourself, do you, we'll move through, know, yes, you're welcome here. But the yoga for everyone, this study is for everyone. And then when you're in this study, you can go into any yoga practice and do you. Well, I think it holds true because we've done this five years. This is our fifth time going through it together, together. it's so much yummier now. It is so much because I am not even in that easier, it's like richer. It's so much richer. It's so much deeper. I'm not even remotely five years ago. I was still in a really difficult relationship living in Ocean Grove, New Jersey in a lovely home and absolutely bereft. I am. I don't resemble that woman anymore. I don't even resemble her. would never go back. And it's been through, I mean, like I said, I think when we first started this up, I quit my job to do this study, my capital J job, which wasn't much of a J job, let's just be clear. But it was like, it was during COVID, we were all together, we barely knew each other. But through this practice of deep, internal excavation and introspection, I'm still, you know. And what I love about it too is that we are all different ages, different, we are of a similar generation, but we're all very different ages, that this is for everybody, regardless. Yeah, I mean, it's the lotus, it's the lotus with the infinite petals that like, the more we tend to it, the more it just continues to open and unfold. And that's all mani padme on, the jewel is in the lotus, right? And it is unapologetic. That's one of the things I love about it. It isn't bypass. No. And that's why I, you know, I become very emotional in these studies because, know, especially going through the sim scars, going through the different times, looking at the clashes, looking at, because the clashes change, looking at the Yamas and the Niyamas, looking at those and going, ⁓ a HEMSA. Okay. Where is ignorance in my life right now? Where am I finding? Is this a hemp sick? holding myself. Let's pause on that. we're gonna have Yeah, because we can go down that old rabbit. yeah, I know. I wrap up this episode. It's so good. It is good. ⁓ I love you guys. Thank you so much. I know it's so and then it's like there's a way I think this goes and then there's like what actually happens and it's always so it's such it's part of the magic that like, you know, I never I didn't intend to tell that little locker room story. I didn't think about it and then all that but like it's it's just such a And what I'm left with always is ⁓ more depth and more richness. So every week we wrap up ⁓ with, we start with a suggested inquiry that we offer to you, our dear listeners, as a way to just continue your study, continue your curiosity. And this could be something you journal, could just be something you think about, could be, you know, it's for you to use in whatever way is most ⁓ attractive, so to say, to your mind, like what resonates. So Sarah Page, what's an inquiry based on this study for the week? I might actually have two. Not to steal Sally's thunder, but I might actually have two. One of them is to get clear on what is the simscar that is the deepest that you have bypassed that you don't want to look at. and look at it without blaming, without judgment, realizing that that is not the sum total of who you are, but it does make up decisions. And the other one is like Ram Dass, moment of silence. Ram Dass, what is the shmoo that keeps coming up? And I guess it goes to the samskara. What is the shmoo that keeps coming up and rearing its ugly head? And can you look at it and say, okay, sit down, let's have some tea. It's the same thing. It's the same inquiry. What's the, you know, what is that? And be gentle, be kind. Yeah, Sally, how about you? So I have, what parts of me need loving kindness and some focused time. And then I just thought like, do I need time to be still? Do I need professional support? Do I need a friend? Do I need my journal? And where in my life am I doing to avoid being? Can I accept myself and my life as it is and as it is not? Which I think I use that in query every time. Yeah, I love that. Love that. ⁓ I'm just going to offer, I mean, this is so beautiful. Yeah, I'm going to offer just like, could you see the past impression as, sorry, what's arising for me in this moment is I just made a point of connection that like, I once in a session with my therapist talked about ⁓ like my negative self-talk as like a demon I try to keep like in a cage in a dark corner because I'm terrified that if I let him out, he would just like wreak havoc. And that's like mean stuff. And what I'm sitting with in this moment is that ⁓ what if it's, what if like, The intention of that demon is actually like for my own protection. Like, right? If like there's a reason I've cultivated that in my own mind, there's a reason and some of it, and then this is again, I'll be really clear. It's like, this is the way I don't want to get into that sort of like toxic accountability as in like, like it's mine. It's a creation of my own mind. And sometimes that happens from like things that we've chosen. And sometimes that happens because like bad things happen to good people. So I just want to be super clear on that. But every single one of us has some past pain and hurt. the young turn of phrase is what we resist persists. And so how could I, or where could I just be an anthropologist of my own mind and just observe? And if it feels safe, where could I actually invite it in? and say like, know, teach me or here have a cup of tea and do something nurturing to that ⁓ chaos goblin. Without letting it like hijack me, but to say like, ⁓ how sad, like what's going on? There's a real sadness underneath that like awful voice of telling myself I'm fat, ugly, stupid, lazy and. and all these things and that people are gonna think I'm a fraud and that nobody really likes me and that I'll never be in love again and all like. How could I give you a hug? I spend my time with young, young, young, young people and I do a lot of reading of these books and I just thought of Beauty and the Beast. Like when you were talking about the demon and I was like, could we be gentle with our demons? You know what I mean? Like the beast wasn't I've tried the not gentle. mean, I've tried the... And it has not worked yet, 47 years later. No, because we become fiercer. The demon becomes fiercer. Exactly. It's like, just, we're giving it that energy only is like actually fuel to that fire. And the different energy of like, what's, how do I, how could I fall in love with that? Like let myself really fall in love with that as something that... ⁓ is deserving of love and attention and nurturing. ⁓ I'm going to... I've got some good material to talk to somebody about this. really. Teaching tip. Hi. You know what? Can I share? Because I also am reading books for children that adults like too. And I think it's also a movie. But I recently read my grandson the book Wonder. and I'm not going to be able to, it also was a movie. It's by R-J-P-A-L-A-C-I-O. And ⁓ at some point the book said, and I have it written in the front of my teaching book, and the statement said, we are all wonders. If we look with kindness, we will find wonder. And it's about, ⁓ It's about a young boy with a facial deformity maybe and people being really afraid and mean. And I just, I really stuck if we look with wonder. If we look with kindness, we will find the wonder in each and every one of us. And so the teaching tip I have to go with that was can we commit to being in the practice, the physical practice or our lives looking with kindness, kindness for the breath, kindness in the posture, kindness to yourself, kindness to each other. And through kindness, will we discover wonder all around? My teaching tip is going to be bringing it back to the basics, bringing it back to the ABCs, bringing it back to the things that instead of making everything so, ⁓ to making everything so hard, know, because we all three teach it a heated practice. There's a lot of steira in the ether right now in the world. where's the ease? Where's the sukkah? Where's, but for me, Personally, like this week, I'm going to be teaching to bandhas, the energy locks and all of them. I'm not going to like specifically unless I feel in the energy of the room. And that's another thing. Read the energy of the room, like really get clear about the energy of the room. But you know, there are five major bandhas that make up the maha bandha. There's tons of bandhas in the body, energy locks. But what I want you to think about or what I am going to think about is where are you holding energy? Unnecessary energy. that does not help you. And without judgment, because I am very hard on myself without making yourself wrong. ⁓ wow. Okay. I'm really tense in my wrists. What's going on there? And why am I pressing so hard in my hand? Okay. Ease up and then notice how that goes off of the mat because everything you do on the mat is really just ready for you to do off of the mat. So where are you holding energy in your body on your mat? And then notice where that shows up as either rightness, or ⁓ the sims carick starts, you know, an activation, a trigger, maybe telling somebody off in the locker room. Where is that energy coming from? Cause it's coming from somewhere. Don't make yourself wrong. Cause it's not wrong, but just it's interesting. It's, it's just sort of an inquiry. ⁓ okay. But it all starts on your mat. Yeah. I'll just give, as a teacher, Drop what you know and listen. It's one of the most powerful tenets of our shared lineage of the Baptiste methodology, drop what you know and listen. And what I'm gonna invite students into is like, just make one loving choice for yourself in this moment, in this pose. And that might mean pushing down more, but it also might mean just like accepting and just trusting your breath. And that's a very, like, and I don't know what it is for you, except that I just want to invite you into considering you could make a choice that is loving and kind to nurture yourself in this one moment right now for just this one breath. And then we'll do the next one and the next one and the next one, one at a time. Woo. It's sort of my inner monologue in a lot of ways is in like, I just have so much to process, but. ⁓ I'm just gonna take a moment and process a massive amount of gratitude to my... Happy solstice. ...rider di, my rider di sutrasquad. Yeah, we're recording this on the winter solstice, which is like, we're already, we're actually already past it. So days are getting longer. Summer's coming. Summer's coming. It's happening. will, it will happen. And by the grace of the divine presence, we will all be together to see it. But for right now, I just want to say thank you to Sally. Thank you. And thank you, Sarah Page. Thank you. I love you so much. Thank you to every single person listening. ⁓ If you like, if you found any benefit of this content, please consider liking, subscribing and leaving a review and please consider sharing it with someone who might ⁓ resonate with anything you've heard today. ⁓ It's a real privilege to be of service to you. ⁓ And ⁓ we'll be back next week. Have a beautiful, beautiful day and thank you so much, everyone.