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Why Self Sabotaging Behaviors Are Holding You Back · Create The Best Me

• 0:00
  When the migraine does hit me, it's so easy for me to just say, I quit, I quit.
• 0:07
  Cause the migraine is right there and it's, unbearable.
• 0:10
  But then I stop and think that if I give up what I've worked for because of the migraine, then I've given the migraine the power to control who I'm going to be.
• 0:24
  And I refuse to let that happen.
• 0:26
  If you have that negative self-talk where you always like putting yourself down and putting yourself down, that is self-sabotage in the biggest way.
• 0:36
  Have you ever found yourself sabotaging your own success?
• 0:40
  Well, you're not alone.
• 0:41
  Our beloved guest and my best friend, Janet Zavala, is here to help us transform those self-sabotaging habits into empowering actions.
• 0:51
  Janet, who has beautifully navigated through her own transformation and has helped countless of others, shares an insightful approach to recognizing and overcoming the subtle yet impactful ways we stand in our own ways.
• 1:09
  Stay tuned as we dive deep into understanding and replacing these patterns with strength and confidence.
• 1:17
  Let's dive into the conversation now.
• 1:19
  Janet Zavala, my sister from another mister, my bestie, welcome back to Create The Best Me.
• 1:29
  Thank you so much.
• 1:30
  I'm so happy to be back.
• 1:31
  Third time, third time guest.
• 1:33
  I'm so excited.
• 1:35
  The reason why I invited you back to the show is because I wanted to talk about this particular topic.
• 1:44
  And I think no matter what age you are, who you are, I think we are all people who do this and that is called self-sabotage.
• 1:53
  And so I want you to help me and help the audience figure out how to turn self-sabotage into self-improvement.
• 2:03
  Great.
• 2:03
  I love this topic.
• 2:05
  So we can kind of demystify some of the thoughts around self-sabotage and how we can really turn it into something that gives us power.
• 2:14
  Very true.
• 2:15
  I know that your business coach.
• 2:17
  You work with a lot of individuals who are looking to better improve themselves.
• 2:22
  And I know that you have seen that pattern of self-sabotage.
• 2:28
  Can you explain in your experience what that looks like?
• 2:33
  I think everybody self-sabotages.
• 2:35
  It is really a coping mechanism.
• 2:37
  It's an inner response to events that we've experienced, trauma response.
• 2:44
  It's a coping mechanism to self-soothe or to deal with things and, avoid feeling emotions or avoid the pain that comes from, reaching for our goals or whatever fear based activities that, we, are trying to avoid.
• 3:03
  So everybody has some level of self-sabotage.
• 3:07
  Maybe it's subtle and maybe it's really big.
• 3:10
  So we're all fight with it to some degree.
• 3:14
  Even me as a coach, I still have these kinds of behaviors that I have to be aware of and I have to work through.
• 3:22
  And then It's something that I work with my clients with to identify, be aware of, and work through what the source of these behaviors are, and then working through different coping mechanisms to try to overcome them, rebound from, when they get stuck and in sort of a pattern of these behaviors to really get their power back.
• 3:47
  Yeah.
• 3:47
  And I know that a lot of times I think that I have seen self-sabotage in my own personal self has been when I always feel like if I just screw up right now, I can get over it and just move on.
• 4:02
  Yeah.
• 4:02
  I mean, sometimes you need to get it out of the way, right?
• 4:05
  You're like, you need to understand that you can mess up and get over it and then just get on with your life.
• 4:11
  Get get it, out of the way.
• 4:14
  Exactly, it's all almost like, you know, once I do it, then everything else is smooth sailing.
• 4:19
  Yeah, and I think that's a great way to look at it.
• 4:21
  Because if you think about it, there's nothing wrong with failure.
• 4:25
  I think we need to start to reframe the idea of failure.
• 4:29
  Because, you know, we think of it in this negative context, but it's really just learning.
• 4:34
  We all fail at something and you think of a child trying to walk, learning how to walk, and they're falling down hundreds of times every day as they're trying to learn how to walk and they get up and they try again, right?
• 4:47
  I mean, that's what we're doing as humans.
• 4:49
  All throughout life is that we're trying to figure out, we're trying to get it right, get the thing right.
• 4:55
  It's just getting it out of the way, learning what worked, what didn't, what we want to try.
• 4:59
  How we want to iterate and improve.
• 5:01
  So it's just getting, our sea legs underneath us so we can learn how to walk.
• 5:08
  Yeah.
• 5:09
  How can someone recognize that they are adopting self-sabotage or it's just like everything that they are trying to do they're inadvertently putting self-sabotage right in front.
• 5:23
  I think it can show up in a lot of different behaviors.
• 5:26
  So understanding what those behaviors look like.
• 5:28
  So sometimes it's procrastination, right?
• 5:31
  And not all procrastination is self sabotage, right?
• 5:34
  Because we all procrastinate to some degree, right?
• 5:37
  There are a lot of things that we have to do that we don't want to do And we can procrastinate and that's not necessarily self-sabotage.
• 5:44
  But if we are self-sabotaging, and procrastinating to the point where it is negatively affecting us.
• 5:51
  So if we are delaying work, to do a project at our employment and it's getting us into trouble at work, it's affecting our performance reviews, then that's self-sabotage, right?
• 6:03
  So it's what is the level of procrastination and is it causing you negative impact?
• 6:09
  So it's understanding where that's showing up for you.
• 6:13
  Perfectionism can be a form of self-sabotage, right?
• 6:16
  Because if you are setting unrealistic standards for yourself, where you are over critical of the things that you're doing and you are never able to meet those high expectations for yourself, that is self-sabotage.
• 6:30
  If you have that negative self-talk where you always like putting yourself down and putting yourself down, that is self-sabotage in the biggest way.
• 6:38
  And, you know, if you think about, I was thinking about this when we were first talking about this on your show is that, as a friend, if you, and you're not, but if you were in a, in an abusive relationship where you had a spouse who was talking bad to you, in the same way that we talk bad to ourselves, you would say, hey, girlfriend, this is not good for you.
• 6:59
  But we'll talk to ourselves that way.
• 7:01
  We would reach out and say, you know what, this isn't healthy for you.
• 7:04
  But we, we'll talk to ourselves in that same kind of abusive language.
• 7:08
  So that is really self-sabotage and that's the biggest thing that we really need to get ahold of and stop doing.
• 7:14
  So there are dozens of other ways of, self-sabotage, over medicating, unhealthy relationships, impulsivity, overspending, you know, we talk about deadlines or messing up at work.
• 7:27
  So there are so many places that it can show up.
• 7:30
  So it's just, trying to become aware of these behaviors and confronting them.
• 7:36
  What do you think is a root cause because I know that when I was younger, it seemed like it was something I did a lot.
• 7:43
  It seemed like anything that I tried to apply myself to or any goal that I wanted to try to achieve, it seemed like I was always sort of banking that I was going to fail.
• 7:56
  And it's just, it was a behavior, whether it was a relationship, whether it was at school or, at work.
• 8:02
  It's like, it was almost like a mental roadblock that I would put in front of anything that I strive to achieve.
• 8:11
  Yeah yeah, What do you think the root cause?
• 8:13
  I mean, I know that I'm not the only person out there that, had that type of behavior when they were younger.
• 8:18
  What do you think could be the root cause?
• 8:21
  I think for that kind of situation, that root is probably in low self-esteem, low self-worth, low confidence.
• 8:31
  When we don't feel solid in the person that we are, we don't expect the best for ourselves.
• 8:37
  We don't have the highest standards for ourselves or we're looking for ways to alter ourselves to try and fit in and it just doesn't feel natural.
• 8:45
  So, you know, it's all of those things, not expecting the best for ourselves.
• 8:48
  So we don't look for those things or we don't have those high expectations for ourselves.
• 8:54
  So I think low self-esteem is often kind of the cause for that.
• 8:59
  But I also think that we have, particularly our generation has this trauma response.
• 9:07
  We have self-sabotaging behaviors to self-soothe our emotions because a common thing that was said amongst our parents was quit crying or else I'm going to give you something to cry about.
• 9:23
  Right?
• 9:23
  We weren't allowed to have emotions or process our emotions.
• 9:27
  It was just stop it.
• 9:28
  Stop having an emotions.
• 9:30
  Our emotions were a burden.
• 9:31
  So, you know, that's what I find myself doing even today is not being able to effectively process my emotions.
• 9:40
  It's something that I still work on, you know?
• 9:42
  And so if you're not able to process your emotions, you can self-sabotage.
• 9:46
  Soothing through food or medication or shopping or, you know, name the activity that kind of suppresses your emotions, increases your endorphins.
• 9:56
  So you're doing these things so you don't need to deal with your emotions.
• 9:59
  So, so that happens.
• 10:00
  And then I think that they're also something that happens is that we develop habits when we're younger.
• 10:06
  So sometimes when we're younger, we, get habits of kind of controlling behavior to survive.
• 10:13
  We need to have controlling behavior because we need to, you know, survive and make sure that our lives are in control and we're achieving things and we're doing the things that we need to.
• 10:22
  But as we get older, those behaviors are no longer beneficial to us.
• 10:27
  And they become detrimental to us and maybe detrimental to the people around us.
• 10:32
  So we might be self-sabotaging our relationships.
• 10:35
  So it can be behaviors that work for us in the past that no longer serve us right now at this moment in time.
• 10:44
  And I think it's funny where you say that, and it's true.
• 10:46
  You mentioned that when we were younger, our generation was taught to suck it up, suck it up and move on.
• 10:53
  And now you have today's generation that is more expressive.
• 10:58
  I think maybe they might spend a little more time stuck because they're kind of taking too long to process things, and failing to launch.
• 11:09
  And and that kind of frustrates us.
• 11:10
  And I think there might be a sweet spot in the middle, right?
• 11:14
  But we're like, come on, get to it.
• 11:15
  And they're like, I'm processing and you're, you know, I mean, every generation has their extremes.
• 11:22
  Yeah.
• 11:23
  So based on your experience in working with women who are, looking to reach the next level, and your personal experience, what strategies do you think we can implement to start change?
• 11:40
  I think the first thing is, first to become aware.
• 11:44
  And I really think that we are aware of the behaviors because they're causing us anxiety.
• 11:49
  They're causing us maybe depression.
• 11:51
  Like it doesn't feel good.
• 11:53
  It ultimately, it doesn't feel good because if we are say spending too much money, cause we're self-soothing through overspending, now we're worried about money and we've got issues there and we're trying to hide our purchases or or whatever we're doing, right.
• 12:07
  So I think we're aware that something's not right.
• 12:10
  So I like people to have a little bit more awareness and start to slow down and get some stillness and do that through meditation.
• 12:20
  Because when we're in these behaviors, our minds are going through so many thoughts so fast and we're not processing them.
• 12:29
  We're not slowing down to kind of understand what these emotions are.
• 12:33
  So get some stillness, And just practice non-judgmental awareness of the thoughts that are happening.
• 12:41
  And witness how your body feels and, just understand it and witness it.
• 12:48
  And don't really try to solve it just try to witness it.
• 12:51
  And then turn to journaling.
• 12:52
  Journaling is another great tool that you can use, again, in a non-judgmental way.
• 12:58
  Describe how you feel if you embarked on the behavior, I was feeling this when this happened, this is how I felt after just in a non-judgmental, maybe kind of court reporter kind of way.
• 13:11
  Just so you can start to understand yourself a little bit better.
• 13:16
  And, I want people to start to understand because If you don't understand kind of the root cause of it, like you talked about understanding the root cause, and you just try to stop, like quit cold turkey, I'm just going to stop.
• 13:29
  It's like putting a band aid on a wound that needs 30 stitches, right?
• 13:34
  It's just not going to heal.
• 13:36
  So you need to kind of just really understand on a deep level why this keeps on coming up for you.
• 13:42
  Yeah, and I know, one of my guests, her name is, Shannon Talbot.
• 13:46
  I love how she said this, she said that, when she was the most stressed out, she began her journaling journey.
• 13:54
  And she said that through doing that, it no longer lived in her head.
• 13:58
  She was giving it a place to live.
• 14:01
  And then, you know, when she did have her reflection, she'd look back and say, oh, I let that affect me?
• 14:08
  And I thought that was so beautiful, cause I'm like, wow.
• 14:11
  You know, she really gave it a place to where it lived.
• 14:16
  She wasn't dismissing it like it wasn't important, but she gave it a place to live, but it no longer was living in her body.
• 14:24
  That's right.
• 14:24
  And, and we are so unaware of all of these things that are going on in our mind and at everything that we're processing and, working through that, we are just embarking on these behaviors just to cope.
• 14:37
  We're just, we're all just trying to get through this thing called life to quote Prince.
• 14:42
  To just, to get through and manage and, and get through the next day when, when we've got all these triggers and things coming up, trying to slow it down, slow it down so we can, figure out how we can, improve.
• 14:55
  Yeah, and I think another thing for me when I, because like I said, I found myself in this rut where it seemed like self-sabotage was like, it was like my sidekick.
• 15:06
  I put everywhere and anywhere it needed to be, to be my roadblock.
• 15:11
  And I remember suddenly saying, it's okay not to be good at this.
• 15:17
  It's okay to try, not fail, but to try and try again and learn from the trying.
• 15:30
  And I noticed that when I adopted this type of behavior, all of a sudden, I was no longer self-sabotaging my goals.
• 15:40
  And I was able to move forward.
• 15:44
  But I gave myself the grace to, it's okay.
• 15:48
  It's not going to come out right.
• 15:50
  Not the first time, not the second time.
• 15:51
  It's not going to come out right.
• 15:53
  Yeah.
• 15:54
  I think that's the perfect word is grace, and letting go of your expectations of the outcome.
• 16:02
  And I talk about that in coaching anyhow, with goals, with visioning, with anything, because, you need to have goals and visions for your life.
• 16:11
  It's so important because when you work for something, you're, you have this positivity in your life that you're working for.
• 16:16
  But it's never going to turn out exactly how you think it is.
• 16:21
  It could be better right?, And it could be different and, we really need to release the expectation of what that outcome is.
• 16:27
  Because it's not success or failure it's just what it is.
• 16:31
  It's, it's, it's what you accomplished.
• 16:33
  And I think that there's a beauty that comes along with this time in our lives is that we hopefully, for most of us, care less about what other people think.
• 16:44
  Like we've been through so much.
• 16:45
  It's like, okay I'm just gonna try but I mean we've already been judged or not judged or we thought that we were gonna be judged and nobody cared.
• 16:53
  And and so I'm just gonna do it anyhow, Yeah, I think that we are our own as everyone always says we are our own worst critic.
• 17:02
  You know, we see the imperfections that others don't even notice.
• 17:07
  People are not thinking about us as much as we think they're thinking about us.
• 17:13
  They're not, they're thinking about themselves just as we're thinking about ourselves.
• 17:19
  Mm hmm I know another thing that also helped me in helping release that negative energy because I noticed that with the self-sabotaging came negative energy was get moving whatever, walk, run, whatever it was, get moving to release that negative energy.
• 17:39
  Oh, sure.
• 17:40
  Absolutely.
• 17:41
  It's really brain science and chemistry and things that I'm not educated about to talk too deeply about, but really it's the generation of endorphins in your body and the effects that has.
• 17:53
  I say when I exercise, it's, it's more about what exercise does for my brain and, my heart, not for the composition of my body.
• 18:03
  Yeah and you know, I wanted to touch back on something that you had said, because you initially you had brought up that, if you have a friend who's in an abusive relationship, blah, blah, blah, all that stuff that perhaps, self-sabotage could come from a reflection of what people tell you.
• 18:20
  And so, I think that, we all have had some negative things spoken to us, but it's our job to decide whether we want to believe that to be true.
• 18:33
  Whether we want to own it, and what we want to do with it.
• 18:37
  And I think that believing that it's not me, this is not a reflection of who I am, and I'm not going to own it.
• 18:47
  And, you know, and just barrel right through and be who you are.
• 18:52
  And I think that that could be another tool that could be used to eliminate self-sabotage.
• 18:58
  Because you don't be a victim of what people say to you.
• 19:04
  You know, don't own it because it's not you.
• 19:07
  Yeah, yeah.
• 19:09
  Well, and the brain will believe what you tell it enough.
• 19:13
  So if you tell yourself awful things about yourself.
• 19:17
  Or if somebody tells you awful things about yourself, you're going to believe it if you hear that enough.
• 19:25
  So if you're in those kinds of situations, you need to counteract it with telling yourself good things about yourself, so you can start to make the change.
• 19:37
  And it's so very difficult.
• 19:38
  It's a long process if you don't have somebody, in your ear telling you stuff.
• 19:43
  So it's just truly reprogramming your mind to believe the good things about yourself.
• 19:50
  And that leads me to the next section, which is, because you said having someone in your ear.
• 19:59
  How do you get that someone in your ear?
• 20:01
  On your team to help you listen when you can't hear.
• 20:09
  You know what I think that you need community.
• 20:12
  You need your support system.
• 20:15
  You need those people around you who will lift you up.
• 20:18
  You know, your friends, your colleagues, you have to have those people around you who, believe in you.
• 20:26
  Who will support you.
• 20:27
  If you have dream killers around you, you need to limit time or eliminate time.
• 20:34
  It's just don't believe what they say.
• 20:36
  They're not telling you the truth.
• 20:38
  They can't make their own dreams come true so they have to kill other people's dreams.
• 20:44
  So you need to be around people who will uplift you.
• 20:49
  It's so very important.
• 20:51
  You have to think about your brain just as you would your, your body.
• 20:54
  You feed your body with good nutrition.
• 20:57
  You feed your body with salad and vegetables and healthy food.
• 21:02
  Your brain needs the same thing.
• 21:03
  Your brain needs healthy food.
• 21:06
  Your brain needs healthy information.
• 21:08
  So you need to get that from feeding your brain information.
• 21:12
  You need to turn off the news.
• 21:13
  You need to turn off all the stuff that is, causing all the stress and anxiety.
• 21:19
  You need to, talk to people who will lift you up.
• 21:23
  You need to find an accountability partner.
• 21:25
  You need to find coaches.
• 21:27
  You need to find friends and colleagues and groups and mentors and, really find your tribe of people to hold yourself accountable and hold each other in high regard and be each other's cheerleaders.
• 21:42
  It's just such an important part of life.
• 21:46
  It's such an important part of a woman's life to be that for each other.
• 21:51
  It's just such an interesting period of time where we're in this, place where we're all living so separate.
• 21:58
  We don't have those community spaces anymore where we're living together and we don't have large family communities where we've got multi-generational living spaces.
• 22:08
  We've got this, web based community systems where we can get together and speak over, the internet and speak in different ways that we can really bond and support one another.
• 22:19
  So we need to make sure that we continue to do that and seek it out, seek it out, like as much as you need to.
• 22:27
  And I'm going to bring this up because I think it's worth repeating because I had a woman who is in our age who asked me a question on TikTok when I posted about community.
• 22:42
  And so I'm going to bring it out again.
• 22:45
  Because our business world has changed dramatically.
• 22:48
  A lot of us are working a hybrid type of work environment where we work a couple of days at home and then a couple of days in the office.
• 22:56
  And so we're not as close as we used to be.
• 22:59
  And we don't socialize like we used to.
• 23:02
  So, for that lady.
• 23:06
  I'm going to call her Sharon.
• 23:07
  For Sharon, who posted on my TikTok asking that question, how do you make friends?
• 23:16
  How do you build a community when you're working from home and you're over the age of 50?
• 23:23
  And I'm talking about real friends, Janet.
• 23:25
  I'm not talking about the people that just say hi, bye and only look out for you when they want something.
• 23:31
  I'm talking about the friend that will say, hey, how you doing, Janet?
• 23:36
  Or I haven't heard from Janet, I need to check on Janet.
• 23:40
  How do you meet those people, Janet?
• 23:42
  Yeah, I think I have a couple of examples since the pandemic and I want to make it clear that I'm an introvert.
• 23:50
  I mean, I may not seem like an introvert.
• 23:52
  I'm here talking on the camera.
• 23:53
  But I get my energy from being alone and my downtime and within my, four walls of my home.
• 24:00
  And so I, I don't put myself out there a lot.
• 24:04
  But, I think a lot of people can relate to that.
• 24:06
  But I still need community.
• 24:07
  And so, I have developed such strong relationships since the pandemic began.
• 24:14
  I joined a course and of course it was online and I met, a friend of mine, Elias, and we're still such good friends now.
• 24:24
  And we're doing a business venture and we've met at different retreats in different places.
• 24:29
  It's just such a close relationship that, I wouldn't have had otherwise.
• 24:34
  And, you just have to be open to it and vulnerable and put yourself out there.
• 24:39
  And, but you have to be open to doing new things things that you might not have done before.
• 24:44
  And then there's this relationship that I have with you, it's a connection of a connection, right?
• 24:50
  You knew somebody, a friend of mine, and she connected us.
• 24:54
  And then we've developed this bond and we text nearly every day.
• 24:58
  You know, and we've got this connection where we're just supporting one another and having conversations.
• 25:04
  And, when you come down here to where I live, we connect, it's just, you've got to be open.
• 25:09
  You have to say yes to having those conversations and having that connection and you've got to want it and you've got to, be open to doing something that you haven't done before.
• 25:22
  You have to put in the work.
• 25:25
  I mean, I'm an extrovert to where it's just, I make conversations anywhere and everywhere, and you truly are an introvert.
• 25:33
  You, cause sometimes I have to poke you real hard to get you to talk, Yeah.
• 25:40
  And I think another thing that I thought was quite interesting that you brought up is because you have two different sexes.
• 25:46
  I'm a female and Elias is a male.
• 25:48
  You have to be open to what if?
• 25:53
  Mm You can't say, oh, I can't be friends with that person.
• 25:56
  I'm not going to respond to that person because you're already judging that we have nothing in common.
• 26:03
  You know, he's very, he's very talkative.
• 26:05
  I'm an introvert.
• 26:07
  He's man.
• 26:08
  I'm a female.
• 26:09
  Right.
• 26:10
  You have to be open to the possibilities.
• 26:13
  Mm hmm.
• 26:14
  For sure.
• 26:15
  For sure.
• 26:16
  And you know what?
• 26:17
  There's magic that comes from all of these things, right?
• 26:20
  I mean, I've just gained so much, just through the friendships.
• 26:26
  So I think that you have to put yourself out there because there's so much to be gained.
• 26:31
  There's so much.
• 26:33
  Yeah and when, Sharon, like I said, I'm calling her Sharon, when she posted that on, my TikTok account, I started thinking, I thought, well, how do you do that?
• 26:42
  Cause to me it's just, easy, it's natural.
• 26:44
  Because I'm extrovert And so what I've been purposely doing just because I want to own what I said.
• 26:52
  My husband and I walk every morning that's our thing.
• 26:55
  And so what I do is I see somebody in my neighborhood and I smile the biggest grin and I very loud say, good morning.
• 27:06
  Yeah?
• 27:06
  Yeah.
• 27:07
  And I could just say good morning and kind of like just hold my head down, good morning and continue on my walk.
• 27:12
  But I make eye contact.
• 27:14
  I smile because I know that we're starting out our day.
• 27:18
  And I say good morning because I don't know what's going on on that other person's side.
• 27:23
  And I figure if I am looking at them, they know, I, I see them, I'm not just doing it just to do it.
• 27:30
  I am looking at them and I'm smiling.
• 27:32
  I am giving them my energy of my smile and saying, good morning.
• 27:38
  I feel like I'm setting the stage with them or up for them.
• 27:43
  It's like an invitation, and it doesn't need to progress past the good morning.
• 27:48
  It could be something that just sets their day up in a good way that maybe they needed that little brightness in their life.
• 27:57
  And, and I think that again, in this day and age where we've got a little bit of stress and pressure on a lot of people that anytime we can provide a little light in this world, we should do it.
• 28:08
  We should reach out and do it.
• 28:09
  So, somebody greets you like Carmen does with a bright, shiny, happy, good morning, say good morning back.
• 28:17
  How are you today?
• 28:19
  Or gosh, look at that flower, it's beautiful.
• 28:21
  Like you can start a conversation that can just be minor and you see them the next day.
• 28:28
  Carmen walks every day.
• 28:30
  You can see them the next day and just build on the conversation.
• 28:34
  It doesn't need to be deep and you don't need to have big old long conversations, but that's how you develop the relationships little by little.
• 28:43
  And another thing that I was thinking about, cause I started doing this as well because I'm a tech geek.
• 28:48
  I belong to a lot of different Facebook groups.
• 28:51
  Just bunch of little stuff that I like to tinker with.
• 28:55
  And so I kind of peruse and I look and I, if I see somebody asked a question that I totally know how to fix.
• 29:02
  Mm hmm.
• 29:04
  I provide feedback.
• 29:05
  And my husband, he'll sit there, you know, sit on the couch and he sees me like thinking, I'm analyzing and he's like, what are you doing?
• 29:12
  I said, well, somebody on Facebook has this problem with doing this and I'm trying to write out the solution in a way that's easy for someone who might not be techie to understand.
• 29:27
  He says, why do you do that?
• 29:28
  I said, because it's nice.
• 29:29
  It's nice thing to do.
• 29:31
  It's funny, I saw you write out an answer to one.
• 29:34
  I saw your answer.
• 29:36
  And I saw the question first and I'm like, Carmen should answer this and then I saw your answer.
• 29:43
  Yeah, well, and you know, and I'm doing it because you never know.
• 29:46
  You never know what could come from that.
• 29:49
  I have the answer I know how to fix it.
• 29:52
  Or I have a general idea on how to go about fixing it.
• 29:55
  And so maybe we develop a relationship or maybe someone who reads that, message that I wrote says, hey, that was really nice of her.
• 30:04
  She sounds like a nice person That's right.
• 30:07
  But it's my way of being able to build a community.
• 30:10
  With no strings attached.
• 30:11
  I mean, you know, sort of build a community, let people know that I'm here for you.
• 30:15
  If you want me, I'm here.
• 30:18
  But it, like I said, and that's why I go back, it does take work to build a community.
• 30:23
  You can't just be a hermit crab in your house locked up.
• 30:28
  Well, and I think that that goes back to the topic of self-sabotage.
• 30:32
  Like you can't say that I don't have any friends I don't have any friends but the self sabotaging behaviors that you never do anything to build relationships.
• 30:41
  That's the self-sabotaging behavior.
• 30:43
  So you need to start doing things like the friends aren't going to come and knock on your door randomly.
• 30:49
  So you need to put yourself out there.
• 30:52
  The self-sabotaging behaviors is sometimes not doing anything at all.
• 30:57
  So, you know, you have to do things to not sabotage yourself.
• 31:03
  And so Janet, you did mention that this is not a quick fix.
• 31:07
  You've had this history of always self-sabotaging every project that you're trying to do.
• 31:13
  And so now you are adopting a new mindset and you are trying to overcome self-sabotage.
• 31:22
  What are the setbacks?
• 31:23
  Are there any setbacks that suddenly arise?
• 31:27
  I think will always be setbacks.
• 31:30
  In life we always have setbacks, and, and so self-sabotaging behavior would be to not pick yourself up and start again.
• 31:41
  I have like, minor medical issues lately that have slowed me down, and so a self-sabotaging behavior would be to give up and not continue and not, try to figure out what's going on or, I I have to be okay and forgive myself.
• 31:56
  A self-sabotaging behavior would be to get down on myself and not, give myself grace.
• 32:02
  You've talked about, giving ourselves grace.
• 32:04
  So as much as I can, I have to give myself rest.
• 32:08
  Again, self-sabotage would be to push past the point where it's unhealthy.
• 32:13
  You have to be able to, work within your limits and be able to get back up.
• 32:19
  You don't want to, run on a broken ankle, so now you're not able to run ever again.
• 32:25
  So, you have to be able to, give yourself grace, but also pick yourself back up, give yourself that rest.
• 32:31
  I've had times where I still work my nine to five and do this, on weekends and off hours.
• 32:38
  And I've had times where I've had projects where it seems like I worked weekends and nights for my day job.
• 32:44
  And I couldn't spend any time on my coaching business.
• 32:48
  And, I could have lost progress or not continued with what I wanted to do.
• 32:55
  But, you just have to work within what you have and get back up and start again and, do the best you can.
• 33:04
  So I think that we need to understand that it's a journey and we will get triggered and we'll want to go back to sabotaging behaviors.
• 33:14
  We'll want to self-soothe.
• 33:16
  We'll want to do things that make us feel better.
• 33:19
  Those old comfortable things that really make us feel better momentarily.
• 33:24
  And sometimes it's okay if we do that, it's just that the next day we need to get up and we need to kind of brush ourselves off and start again.
• 33:32
  And, and that's okay we need to forgive ourselves for being human.
• 33:36
  Yeah, I know like I suffer of chronic migraines.
• 33:38
  They're horrible.
• 33:39
  I hate them but it's just me I have suffered chronic migraines And you know, there are times where I feel like saying, you know what, I quit, I just quit because it's hard.
• 33:51
  It's hard to, like you said, meet those goals that you're trying to meet or hit those timelines that you're trying to meet, especially like for me, I have guests that I promised them that their episode will go up on a certain day and I don't know when a migraine is going to hit me.
• 34:07
  And so I try to really push as hard as I can to try to get everything published on time.
• 34:12
  Because I don't know if the migraine is going to hit me tomorrow.
• 34:16
  But when the migraine does hit me, it's so easy for me to just say, I quit, I quit.
• 34:23
  Cause the migraine is right there and it's, unbearable.
• 34:27
  But then I stop and think that if I give up what I've worked for because of the migraine, then I've given the migraine the power to control who I'm going to be.
• 34:40
  And I refuse to let that happen.
• 34:42
  That's right.
• 34:43
  That's right.
• 34:44
  For a small period of time, the migraine is in charge, but then you take the, the reins back.
• 34:51
  Yeah, and because I think my life would be so much easier if I, took, narcotics to control it, but I don't believe in narcotics.
• 34:59
  So I do other things to try to gain control of them.
• 35:03
  I know they're a part of my life.
• 35:04
  They'll be a part of my life forever.
• 35:06
  But I've learned to accept that this is, this is my life.
• 35:10
  This is who I am.
• 35:12
  Migraines are a part of my life and the show must go on.
• 35:16
  Yeah, And I've allowed myself to also not be perfect.
• 35:21
  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 35:24
  We're all human and I think that's self-improvement, self-development it's a lifelong journey.
• 35:31
  We will always be on this journey to try to improve, to try to, fix the things that we think we can do better and to try to meet our goals and figure out how we can do things better and and improve.
• 35:45
  And I think it what keeps us alive and kind of young and and vibrant and you know striving.
• 35:52
  I think that these are all good things to try to, you know, work towards something that we're excited about.
• 35:58
  You know, I think it's good.
• 35:59
  It's not striving for striving sake, it's because we are motivated by the passion that we have for what we do and the women that we serve.
• 36:09
  We are very passionate about what we do.
• 36:11
  So, you know, it's just part of the journey, the setbacks and getting back up and understanding ourselves again on a more deep level.
• 36:21
  So we can say, oh, this is coming, so I need to make sure that I take care of myself here.
• 36:26
  I can honor myself here, honor my process.
• 36:30
  Let me go a little bit deeper and figure out what's going on so I can try to adjust.
• 36:35
  Janet, what is one piece of advice that you would like to give to someone who is struggling with self-sabotaging behaviors?
• 36:44
  Here's what I want to say, I want to tell everybody, especially the women out there, especially the women is to make yourself a priority.
• 36:54
  And hear me, don't, don't immediately turn off the video.
• 36:57
  Don't don't do it.
• 36:58
  Make yourself a priority, your number one priority, because when you do that, when you make yourself happy and joyful and you're showing up in a meaningful way, you can be there for the people you love more completely.
• 37:15
  You can do more for them.
• 37:18
  And you are showing up for them in a way that is inspiring, that they enjoy more.
• 37:25
  Cause when you show up for them in a depleted way, in a way that is kind of upset or angry or like just not fully yourself and authentic and feeling good, that's not a great way to show up for them.
• 37:42
  So I want everyone to make yourself a priority, feel empowered, make yourself the best you, you can be so you can be there more fully for the people around you.
• 37:56
  Beautiful.
• 37:57
  Janet, where can people learn more about you?
• 38:01
  You can find me on JanetZavalaCoaching.
• 38:03
  com that's my website.
• 38:05
  And all of my, social media is Janet, Zavala Coaching as well.
• 38:09
  So you can find me all over.
• 38:13
  Janet, thank you so much for returning back to the show.
• 38:18
  This has been a pleasure.
• 38:20
  Thank you.
• 38:21
  Thank you for having me And I will include all of your information in our show notes.
• 38:26
  Awesome.
• 38:26
  Thank you.
• 38:27
  Thank you.
• 38:28
  Wow, what a profound journey we've taken today with Janet Zavala.
• 38:33
  It's clear that self-sabotage doesn't have to be a life sentence.
• 38:38
  It can be a signpost for growth and self discovery.
• 38:42
  Thank you, Janet, for sharing your wisdom and strategies to help us all pivot toward our best selves.
• 38:49
  Remember every step toward overcoming self-sabotage is a step toward the empowerment and the life you deserve.
• 38:58
  Don't forget to check out Janet's work online and all the resources mentioned today will be available in the show notes at createthebestme.com/ep084.
• 39:12
  Make sure to join us next week for another amazing episode designed just for you.
• 39:19
  Until then, keep dreaming big, take care of yourself, and remember you are beautiful, strong, and capable of creating the best version of yourself.
• 39:31
  Thank you for watching.
• 39:32
  Catch you next week.
• 39:34
  Bye for now.