Latest / The Parenting Podcast / Parenting Realities: Tales from the Mailbag | Ep. 126

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Parenting Realities: Tales from the Mailbag | Ep. 126 · The Parenting Podcast

• 0:06
  Hi everyone, and welcome to another episode of the Parenting Podcast with your host Cheryl Lang.
• 0:14
  Today as we're wrapping up our series on parenting styles, we're excited to open up the electronic mailbag and dive into your insightful letters.
• 0:26
  Have you ever wondered how much your child's behavior might reflect your parenting style?
• 0:33
  Well, in this episode, we'll explore that intriguing question by sharing stories and questions from our listeners.
• 0:41
  One mom discusses her experience with her four year old son who struggles with failure and reveals steps she's taking to foster resilience in her child and balance in her parenting approach.
• 0:55
  Stay tuned as we delve into these real life stories.
• 0:59
  Offering practical advice and encouragement to help you navigate the complexities of parenting.
• 1:05
  Grab a cuppa and let's listen in.
• 1:17
  Cheryl (2): Well, welcome again guys.
• 1:19
  Christie: Yes, it's good to be back.
• 1:21
  Christie: I was driving here and saw a big, like, four foot long snake in the middle of town and it made me realize summer is here.
• 1:30
  Christie: Yeah.
• 1:31
  Christie: Oh, you don't usually see these things.
• 1:32
  Christie: Oh, I don't like thinking about it.
• 1:34
  Ellen: I used to, I'm better, but I used to, if I saw a snake, I'd almost vomit.
• 1:39
  Ellen: And I'm not joking.
• 1:40
  Ellen: I had that much of a freakout about it, I don't even know if I was really scared, scared of them, but they just grossed me out.
• 1:47
  Ellen: And I, and I'm not joking.
• 1:48
  Ellen: I'd be like, well, it's a condor.
• 1:50
  Ellen: I'm sorry.
• 1:51
  Cheryl (2): Well, you know, we need to do whatever that progressive exposure thing is.
• 1:55
  Cheryl (2): Well, that's what happened to me.
• 1:56
  Cheryl (2): I wound up,
• 1:57
  Ellen: Mike was in home and I wound up having to kill like at least three snakes.
• 2:01
  Ellen: But the snakes I saw you
• 2:02
  Cheryl (2): had were six inches.
• 2:04
  Ellen: No, they were 12 feet.
• 2:06
  Ellen: They were boa constrictors.
• 2:07
  Ellen: They were so sweet.
• 2:08
  Christie: We were out on some land being cleared one time and my daughter came across a rattle snake.
• 2:12
  Christie: Yeah.
• 2:12
  Christie: And it was horrifying.
• 2:14
  Christie: She was, I think, seven or so and, but she was funny.
• 2:18
  Christie: She kept the rattler after they took care of the snake and she carried around in her little purse for, her little trophy for her adventure.
• 2:27
  Christie: But yeah, That kind of made me want to vomit.
• 2:28
  Christie: I think that's what got me.
• 2:29
  Christie: That nasty little thing.
• 2:30
  Ellen: Was when we lived in Texas and our friends had property and we'd always be out on their property.
• 2:34
  Ellen: And it was nonstop rattlesnakes.
• 2:36
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 2:36
  Ellen: I think that kind of triggered.
• 2:37
  Ellen: Horrifying.
• 2:38
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 2:38
  Ellen: Well,
• 2:39
  Cheryl (2): this is an area where my brother really helped me because he was very much
• 2:43
  Carol: into nature and outdoors life and all this.
• 2:45
  Carol: I mean, he would do more, a whole lot more than I would.
• 2:47
  Carol: But yeah.
• 2:48
  Carol: Teaching me.
• 2:49
  Carol: No, look at it.
• 2:50
  Carol: You can tell this is poisonous or this is not.
• 2:53
  Carol: I do not care.
• 2:54
  Carol: He should have been a forest ranger because he just really taught me about that and the same with spiders all of that and Having him as a brother it desensitized me.
• 3:04
  Carol: See, I'm
• 3:05
  Ellen: okay with lizards when I was a kid.
• 3:07
  Ellen: I like lizards.
• 3:07
  Ellen: I would catch lizards and I'd get a leash for him, a little yarn leash.
• 3:11
  Ellen: And I'd put them in front of their back legs and then I'd tie it to my belt of my jeans and I'd wear them in my hair.
• 3:17
  Ellen: I had skinks, all sorts of lizards, and people would be laughing at me.
• 3:22
  Ellen: They usually lost their tail in their capture, but that's normal.
• 3:25
  Ellen: But I mean, I never had any fear of lizards.
• 3:28
  Ellen: Uh huh.
• 3:28
  Ellen: It was just the snake thing.
• 3:29
  Ellen: I know.
• 3:29
  Ellen: What
• 3:30
  Cheryl: is the difference?
• 3:30
  Ellen: Because I don't like things
• 3:32
  Christie: with legs.
• 3:32
  Christie: That's it.
• 3:33
  Christie: Lizards have legs.
• 3:34
  Christie: Yes.
• 3:35
  Christie: I can relate with them more.
• 3:36
  Christie: Yes.
• 3:37
  Cheryl (2): So, those who want to send money to contribute to their counseling, or join our team, Team Snakes, Team Lizards, there have to be others out there.
• 3:46
  Cheryl (2): Um, so, what we're going to do here is continue what we started last time, is questions and comments that parents sent in about parenting styles.
• 3:57
  Cheryl (2): And this will be our wrap up for the whole, series that we've done here.
• 4:01
  Cheryl (2): And, I just enjoy this.
• 4:03
  Cheryl (2): I do, too.
• 4:04
  Cheryl (2): Hearing from our listeners.
• 4:06
  Speaker 4: Mm
• 4:06
  Cheryl (2): hmm.
• 4:06
  Cheryl (2): And so some of these are kind of long, but they were just sharing out of their lives.
• 4:11
  Cheryl (2): So let's look and see what y'all think.
• 4:15
  Cheryl (2): So this parent writes, I really, really enjoyed getting to listen to all the feedback discussions y'all are having on styles.
• 4:24
  Cheryl (2): Um, And I never would have realized, and I found out, I really am, naturally, an authoritarian parent.
• 4:34
  Cheryl (2): That said, I definitely think hearing the cons is going to help me be a better parent.
• 4:39
  Speaker 4: Yeah,
• 4:39
  Cheryl (2): that's great.
• 4:40
  Cheryl (2): I really saw how growing up with authoritarian parents made me feel very restricted, and how, My feelings didn't matter until I got older and found out they should.
• 4:53
  Cheryl (2): I already can see how my four year old doesn't know how to cope with his failure and how if I only have this one parenting style, it could only worsen.
• 5:02
  Cheryl (2): I think this is really helping bring me more balance because of my awareness.
• 5:07
  Cheryl (2): Yeah.
• 5:07
  Cheryl (2): Wow.
• 5:08
  Cheryl (2): Well, that was the point
• 5:08
  Ellen: of this.
• 5:09
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 5:09
  Ellen: Help people look at themselves and go, Oh, I do do that and it's
• 5:13
  Cheryl: probably not good.
• 5:14
  Cheryl: Well, yeah.
• 5:14
  Cheryl: And we all have a style, whether it falls under one of the ones we described or not, but we all have a style and we all have blind spots and our parents all had styles and they all have blind spots.
• 5:24
  Cheryl: So it's good to talk about the pros and cons Of all styles.
• 5:27
  Cheryl (2): And it's really interesting because how we either default to what our parents did or run away from what our parents did, you know, and I'm just really thankful for this because this is what we wanted to have happen and awareness to realize, Oh, I didn't even realize I'm doing what was done to me.
• 5:48
  Cheryl (2): And so it's squelching Right.
• 5:50
  Cheryl (2): because that's a big problem with authoritarian is we just don't deal with our emotions.
• 5:55
  Cheryl (2): Right.
• 5:56
  Ellen: I don't care how you feel.
• 5:58
  Ellen: Go do what I told you to do.
• 5:59
  Ellen: Don't ask any questions.
• 6:00
  Ellen: Right.
• 6:01
  Ellen: No,
• 6:01
  Cheryl (2): just do.
• 6:02
  Cheryl (2): And so you lean into the strength of that.
• 6:04
  Cheryl (2): Right.
• 6:05
  Cheryl (2): And, uh, I'm just excited.
• 6:07
  Cheryl (2): I would love for her to write back in six months and
• 6:11
  Carol: update us
• 6:12
  Christie: Well, and I love it.
• 6:13
  Christie: It sounds like she's.
• 6:15
  Christie: She is acknowledging and embracing that she finds a lot of pros in the way that she might have been raised but also recognizing Some of the cons too and you know I've had some conversations recently with some of my girls that talking about how they may parent their children Right, and they've almost seemed a little skittish to say things.
• 6:33
  Christie: They would do differently than what I've done
• 6:36
  Speaker 4: And
• 6:36
  Cheryl: it's been good to have those conversations to say no you do better than what I did Like you learn from my mistakes Stinks and make your own choices.
• 6:44
  Cheryl: And so it sounds like this mom is able to look more objectively now.
• 6:48
  Cheryl: Mm-Hmm.
• 6:48
  Cheryl: And do the same Yeah.
• 6:49
  Cheryl: From what she came from
• 6:50
  Cheryl (2): and recognizing the weakness of what's happening in her four year old so she can change and what humility that is I
• 6:59
  Ellen: was going to say, looking at my four adult kids, they parent totally different than I do, be that good or bad judgment on my parenting, but it fits their personalities and I'm glad they feel the freedom, you know, to parent the way they feel like they're supposed to.
• 7:13
  Ellen: Right.
• 7:14
  Ellen: And to meet the needs of their
• 7:15
  Cheryl (2): children.
• 7:16
  Cheryl (2): Right.
• 7:16
  Cheryl (2): You know, and I think that says so much more of a positive thing about us as parents that our children are comfortable in their skin, doing what they want to do, rather than feeling failure that my children aren't carbon copies of me, because the problem is you carbon copy all the mistakes too Right, right.
• 7:37
  Cheryl (2): Well, you want your
• 7:38
  Ellen: kids to maybe share your deepest values.
• 7:41
  Ellen: Yes.
• 7:41
  Ellen: That's something that's really important.
• 7:43
  Ellen: But how that looks will be, hopefully could be different from you, along their personality.
• 7:49
  Speaker 4: Right.
• 7:49
  Speaker 4: But, you
• 7:49
  Ellen: know, that's really when you strip it all away, it's like, you You know, if you don't want to eat this kind of food, that's fine, but please share the values that I taught you about loving others and being kind and, you know, that kind of stuff.
• 8:03
  Christie: Well, and we're talking about extending this downward to the next generation, but we also, I think it's a good thing to remember to extend it.
• 8:10
  Christie: horizontally to our peers.
• 8:13
  Christie: and receive it from out peers the same kind of grace that says you do what's good for you and your family and I will do what's good for mine and we can still be friends and parent alongside one another
• 8:23
  Ellen: there's noting worse than parenting argumentst We're
• 8:31
  Cheryl (2): that we're gathering information and we're learning and then make like what she is trying to do intentional decisions to improve where she sees gaps that she hadn't recognized before.
• 8:44
  Cheryl (2): Well, I
• 8:44
  Ellen: think I can speak for Cheryl and maybe you too, is I think the people younger than us have much more information on what's normal and what, uh, Behavior wise is normal in children what kids actually need because I always felt it was sort of a guessing game I don't know.
• 9:04
  Ellen: My parents never cared what I needed, you know So it's been interesting to see that you can go oh, there's books there's YouTubes whatever that help you see child development and all those kind of things.
• 9:18
  Cheryl (2): Well Some of the parents, what they wrote, said thank you because there's so much out there.
• 9:26
  Cheryl (2): How many parenting podcasts, right?
• 9:31
  Cheryl (2): How many TikTok videos on how to parent to kind of be able to clear it away.
• 9:38
  Cheryl (2): Intentionally look and see what works for you right.
• 9:42
  Christie: Well, and I would imagine a parent today would feel paralyzed by all that information It makes me think of those old choose your own adventure books, you know, I'm trying to get turned to page 23 for this adventure it's like there's An infinite number of pages to turn to and I'd never get past page one because there's so many options.
• 10:00
  Christie: And it's about everything.
• 10:01
  Ellen: Yes.
• 10:02
  Ellen: The food you feed them.
• 10:03
  Ellen: The way they sleep.
• 10:04
  Ellen: The way you live your life.
• 10:06
  Christie: What fabrics.
• 10:07
  Christie: Color scheme of the nursery or everything.
• 10:09
  Christie: Toys to choose from.
• 10:11
  Christie: And yeah, it would feel overwhelming.
• 10:14
  Christie: And very serious.
• 10:15
  Christie: Yes.
• 10:15
  Ellen: Yes.
• 10:16
  Ellen: You know?
• 10:17
  Ellen: Well, yeah, I was
• 10:17
  Christie: talking to an expectant mom the other day and, and they were telling me about all of the options and then asked what I did.
• 10:25
  Christie: And I said, I don't know.
• 10:26
  Christie: Whatever was at Target.
• 10:27
  Christie: That's what I used.
• 10:28
  Christie: Do you know?
• 10:28
  Christie: That was your only option.
• 10:30
  Christie: We didn't have the, the resources that are available.
• 10:32
  Christie: You
• 10:33
  Ellen: should go online and see the stroller that's out there.
• 10:36
  Ellen: I don't know who makes it, but it's all bat, not battery, um, remote control.
• 10:42
  Ellen: It folds down.
• 10:43
  Ellen: It does like 20 things and a price tag.
• 10:46
  Ellen: Oh yeah.
• 10:47
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 10:47
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 10:47
  Ellen: Like a used car probably.
• 10:50
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 10:50
  Ellen: I think it was 1, 500.
• 10:52
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 10:52
  Ellen: Unbelievable.
• 10:52
  Ellen: Unbelievable.
• 10:53
  Cheryl (2): We're the first with the umbrella struggle.
• 10:55
  Cheryl (2): Yes, uh huh.
• 10:57
  Ellen: And if you didn't lock it, it went in on you.
• 10:59
  Ellen: Right, right.
• 11:01
  Cheryl: Well, and the thing is, people have been raising children for ever, and all of these things are, and just like you guys I'm sure, I, you know, when my kids were babies, there was somebody older than me saying back in my day.
• 11:16
  Cheryl: And so it really is a tale as old as time, you know.
• 11:20
  Cheryl: Kids turn out okay in the end, no matter the stroller.
• 11:22
  Cheryl: And you're
• 11:22
  Ellen: raising them in their
• 11:23
  Cheryl: culture.
• 11:24
  Ellen: You know, my parents culture was different.
• 11:27
  Ellen: Mine's different than my kids culture.
• 11:29
  Ellen: And so that, that, that, that.
• 11:30
  Ellen: Plays a huge part in how we, what's acceptable in parenting.
• 11:34
  Ellen: Acclimating to the times that we're in, yeah.
• 11:37
  Cheryl (2): Other people who weren't parents could correct you Yes,
• 11:39
  Speaker 4: that's true.
• 11:40
  Cheryl (2): So we had several people write what I'm getting ready to read this question, and they're asking us to address and talk about sort of the
• 11:50
  Carol: long haul of parenting.
• 11:52
  Carol: It's so good to hear you all confirming sometimes different parenting styles for different kids and different ages.
• 12:00
  Carol: So, how should parents adjust their parenting styles as their children grow older and enter different developmental stages?
• 12:07
  Carol: oh, this is the same thing, another one.
• 12:09
  Carol: I'd love to hear how an individual's parenting style have changed over the years of parenting and then how to give yourself grace in the weaknesses and learn to grow alongside of parenting, because I feel like our parenting is a blend of the ones you describe, and I think our biggest struggle is knowing when do you switch approach in each given situation, and how do you do that?
• 12:30
  Carol: and even with each individual child.
• 12:32
  Carol: And so I had that question asked four or five different ways from different parents.
• 12:36
  Cheryl (2): Okay, so first let's address, how do you, did yours
• 12:40
  Carol: evolve over the years
• 12:42
  Ellen: I've had my older kids tell me that my youngest daughter's so spoiled.
• 12:48
  Ellen: You just spoiled her.
• 12:49
  Ellen: They don't realize.
• 12:50
  Ellen: I became a relaxed parent by the fifth child.
• 12:54
  Ellen: So it looks different than it did to the first one.
• 12:57
  Ellen: And my oldest son would always tell my youngest daughter, well, we'd go out for ice cream and I had to share it with three people and you get it, which was not true, but you know, that was him making fun of the situation.
• 13:06
  Ellen: So it's a growing process.
• 13:08
  Ellen: And if you have a couple of children, you know, it's going to look different from the first to the last.
• 13:13
  Ellen: You may share the same, Be communicating the same values, but you've learned things along the way.
• 13:18
  Cheryl (2): Mm-Hmm.
• 13:19
  Cheryl (2): Well, I think the best word that's popular right now is growth mindset.
• 13:24
  Speaker 4: Mm-Hmm.
• 13:25
  Cheryl (2): Mm-Hmm.
• 13:25
  Cheryl (2): And what a fantastic impression to leave your children to say, I wanted to grow and change.
• 13:32
  Cheryl (2): Yeah.
• 13:33
  Cheryl (2): Yeah.
• 13:33
  Cheryl (2): You know, and that's the thing.
• 13:35
  Cheryl (2): We don't do anything in a vacuum, and we certainly don't parent in a vacuum and.
• 13:41
  Cheryl (2): I would be very sad to say, Oh, I wasn't a better parent 15, 20 years into it in our big family
• 13:51
  Ellen: Yes.
• 13:51
  Cheryl (2): I want to grow and learn and change.
• 13:55
  Cheryl (2): Yeah.
• 13:55
  Cheryl (2): I'm a
• 13:55
  Ellen: really good grandma.
• 13:57
  Cheryl (2): Yeah.
• 13:58
  Cheryl (2): Well,
• 13:59
  Cheryl: no other profession would you expect someone to be doing the same thing 10 or 15 years in that they did when they started.
• 14:06
  Cheryl: And so it's kind of unfair on parents to expect them to be the same all the way through.
• 14:12
  Cheryl: And you know, the scenarios are changing.
• 14:14
  Cheryl: You start out with one, maybe two children.
• 14:17
  Cheryl: You know, if you have twins, but you're parenting one child, Versus two, three, four, your, your living situations might be changing, your work life might be changing, your finances, life circumstances.
• 14:30
  Cheryl: And so each, each scenario is going to be different as time goes on.
• 14:36
  Ellen: We have like 12 years age difference between the first and the youngest.
• 14:40
  Ellen: So of course we're different.
• 14:41
  Ellen: Right.
• 14:42
  Cheryl (2): 12
• 14:42
  Ellen: years in between.
• 14:43
  Cheryl (2): But even people who don't, when they have maybe just two children, a couple of years apart.
• 14:50
  Cheryl (2): We want to be the kind of people who grow and learn and apologize and learn from the next thing, learn from our children, right?
• 14:58
  Cheryl (2): Talk with our children, I want that communication.
• 15:02
  Cheryl (2): And hopefully that's one of the things maturity does is to realize there isn't this fix.
• 15:08
  Cheryl (2): Like, how do you do that?
• 15:10
  Cheryl (2): Well, it's all a process.
• 15:13
  Cheryl (2): Yeah.
• 15:13
  Cheryl (2): You know, and the growing process of listening and learning and listening to good podcasts like TPP I want to be able to say in six months, I'm not the same person I was six months ago.
• 15:26
  Cheryl (2): I want to change.
• 15:27
  Cheryl (2): Yes.
• 15:28
  Christie: And, you know, unfortunately also our mistakes change.
• 15:31
  Christie: I know that I made different mistakes with my first kid than I've made with my last kid.
• 15:36
  Christie: It's true.
• 15:36
  Christie: And there's different, I used to joke and say that my younger kids got a better version of me.
• 15:41
  Christie: But it was just a different version of me because I see myself, like you said, Ellen, I'm tired.
• 15:46
  Christie: I get more lax on things where I was overly strict with my first couple of kids.
• 15:52
  Christie: And so just grace, I think, for all of us.
• 15:55
  Christie: Absolutely.
• 15:55
  Christie: I
• 15:56
  Cheryl (2): would say grace and humility is the answer to all of this.
• 16:00
  Cheryl (2): That I want to be a better parent.
• 16:02
  Cheryl (2): I want to be a better person.
• 16:03
  Cheryl (2): I want to be a better friend.
• 16:04
  Cheryl (2): I want to be a better podcaster.
• 16:05
  Cheryl (2): I want to be a better wife.
• 16:07
  Cheryl (2): I want to be a better me.
• 16:08
  Cheryl (2): Mm hmm.
• 16:09
  Cheryl (2): Yeah.
• 16:09
  Cheryl (2): Without the pressure.
• 16:10
  Cheryl (2): Oh, yes.
• 16:11
  Cheryl (2): You
• 16:11
  Ellen: know, we have to be careful that we're not putting so much pressure that's so good, Ellen.
• 16:16
  Ellen: You know, that we're going, okay, I can do what I know to do.
• 16:20
  Ellen: Yes.
• 16:20
  Ellen: And I will try to do my best in all of this if I can, but I know I'm going to fail.
• 16:25
  Ellen: And I think sometimes we need to take the focus off ourselves.
• 16:29
  Ellen: Yes.
• 16:29
  Ellen: And just kind of just, Live well, enjoy.
• 16:32
  Ellen: Well, that's
• 16:33
  Cheryl (2): the better me.
• 16:34
  Cheryl (2): Yes.
• 16:34
  Cheryl (2): That's what I was thinking.
• 16:35
  Cheryl (2): Yeah.
• 16:35
  Cheryl (2): This is where I'm a better me.
• 16:36
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 16:36
  Cheryl: The better me is a person of peace and humility.
• 16:40
  Christie: Absolutely
• 16:40
  Cheryl: Mm-Hmm.
• 16:41
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 16:41
  Cheryl: Saying, I know I did a lot of things wrong.
• 16:43
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 16:43
  Cheryl: And I can feel content with doing my best with the situation I have at hand.
• 16:48
  Cheryl: And giving.
• 16:49
  Cheryl: Giving the rest and forgiving
• 16:51
  Ellen: yourself.
• 16:52
  Ellen: I'm putting the guilt aside because I've told most of my friends guilt is a waste of energy It will absorb you, you know, if you've done something with a thief
• 17:01
  Cheryl (2): it robs.
• 17:02
  Cheryl (2): Yes.
• 17:03
  Ellen: That's what i'm saying It takes your time.
• 17:04
  Ellen: It takes your energy It takes your mental capacity to live in guilt.
• 17:09
  Ellen: And so if you've done something wrong if you need to apologize Do it.
• 17:13
  Ellen: If it's something that you can't fix, that maybe was just something in your personality that was negative and you felt like was harmful to your children, all you can do is live the person you are now, you know, and be the best you can be now in terms of that and let your children see who you are now.
• 17:31
  Ellen: So good.
• 17:32
  Ellen: That's really, I mean,
• 17:33
  Cheryl (2): that's life, you know, and I just think grace is the thing to give.
• 17:39
  Cheryl (2): And one of the things.
• 17:41
  Cheryl (2): I don't see a lot of parents always giving them self grace.
• 17:45
  Cheryl (2): Yes.
• 17:45
  Cheryl (2): They might be growing, giving their children grace, but then the regret and the condemnation.
• 17:53
  Cheryl (2): And forgive yourself.
• 17:55
  Cheryl (2): Yes.
• 17:55
  Cheryl (2): Yeah.
• 17:56
  Cheryl (2): Forgive.
• 17:57
  Cheryl (2): You know, taking responsibility, okay, I was wrong.
• 18:00
  Cheryl (2): Right.
• 18:00
  Cheryl (2): Oh, I made a mistake.
• 18:01
  Cheryl (2): Or like you've said, I did the best I knew how.
• 18:04
  Cheryl (2): Or I did it on purpose.
• 18:06
  Cheryl (2): Yes.
• 18:06
  Cheryl (2): Yes.
• 18:06
  Cheryl (2): Sorry.
• 18:07
  Ellen: You know.
• 18:08
  Ellen: I was in a really cranky mood and I shouldn't have said that.
• 18:14
  Ellen: Sorry.
• 18:15
  Ellen: Because that's being human.
• 18:16
  Ellen: Yes.
• 18:17
  Ellen: Yes.
• 18:18
  Cheryl (2): You know.
• 18:18
  Cheryl (2): And we want to grow and change.
• 18:20
  Cheryl (2): That's excellent.
• 18:21
  Cheryl (2): So I probably wanted a more nailed down answer, but this is it.
• 18:27
  Cheryl (2): Humility.
• 18:28
  Cheryl (2): And grace and desiring to be, to be a better person and to love better.
• 18:36
  Cheryl (2): Did
• 18:36
  Ellen: you ever do this when you guys were like in school?
• 18:39
  Ellen: Because I'm such an extrovert.
• 18:41
  Ellen: Everybody hears me before they see me.
• 18:42
  Ellen: And I was always like, okay, and all my friends were the more quiet girls and they were always so sophisticated.
• 18:51
  Ellen: So, opposites attract.
• 18:53
  Ellen: So, I'm going to be like her this year.
• 18:54
  Ellen: Oh, yes.
• 18:55
  Ellen: Definitely.
• 18:55
  Ellen: I'm going to be so sophisticated.
• 18:56
  Ellen: I'm not going to be, Hi, you guys.
• 18:59
  Ellen: And so, that usually lasted for like the first half hour in school.
• 19:03
  Ellen: Gave it a good effort.
• 19:04
  Ellen: And I was so disappointed.
• 19:05
  Ellen: Oh, I can't be that really, I mean, I finally realized, I can't be that sophisticated, you know.
• 19:11
  Ellen: Quiet mature person and but then I realized my friends would tell me what they'd asked me if I was too quiet Are you sick today?
• 19:18
  Ellen: Oh, so you realize oh, that's I want you to be you.
• 19:21
  Ellen: Yeah
• 19:22
  Cheryl (2): Well, what we're talking about is what scripture says how God created each of us.
• 19:27
  Cheryl (2): Yes with unique special qualities, yes
• 19:31
  Speaker 4: mm-Hmm.
• 19:32
  Cheryl (2): And that intrinsic worth is a core value of tpp.
• 19:35
  Cheryl (2): Mm-Hmm.
• 19:36
  Cheryl (2): The value and worth of individuals.
• 19:38
  Cheryl (2): And I'm like, you we're so hard on our weaknesses.
• 19:41
  Speaker 4: Mm-Hmm.
• 19:42
  Cheryl (2): instead of realizing we're a total package.
• 19:44
  Speaker 4: Mm-Hmm.
• 19:45
  Cheryl (2): And that.
• 19:46
  Cheryl (2): That extroversion is such a benefit to others, we just have to learn to grow and to moderate, but not condemnation.
• 19:56
  Cheryl (2): There is no place in any of this for that condemnation.
• 20:00
  Ellen: And it takes a while to learn that.
• 20:02
  Cheryl (2): That's the wonderful thing about growing older, that maybe we can.
• 20:06
  Cheryl (2): All right.
• 20:07
  Cheryl (2): So here's a specific brief question.
• 20:10
  Cheryl (2): How can parents stay calm and consistent in their approach, especially during challenging and stressful situations?
• 20:17
  Cheryl (2): Just hide in the bedroom.
• 20:18
  Speaker 4: That's Alan's answer to everything.
• 20:22
  Speaker 4: Send Alan
• 20:23
  Cheryl (2): to the bedroom.
• 20:24
  Speaker 4: That's right.
• 20:25
  Christie: Well, I think it applies here for sure.
• 20:27
  Christie: I think getting some.
• 20:28
  Christie: It helps a lot, you know, just taking enough time to take a breath and, um, calm and consistent.
• 20:34
  Christie: Those are not words that I've really felt in my parenting a lot.
• 20:39
  Christie: Um, I mean, I, I guess I have, but they're the ones that I fight, have to fight for.
• 20:44
  Christie: For sure.
• 20:45
  Christie: Because, you know, nothing is calm with young children, especially, and nothing is calm.
• 20:48
  Christie: Or teenagers.
• 20:49
  Christie: Well, yeah, with teenagers, it's, it's just hard to remain calm.
• 20:53
  Christie: But.
• 20:54
  Christie: I don't know.
• 20:54
  Christie: I think kind of like what we've been talking about if we can stay in that perspective of grace and realize not everything is a make or break decision that helps with calmness and being mindful that I can do the best thing I can do right now, but it's not up to me to save the world in this, in this moment with this child.
• 21:18
  Christie: Does that make sense?
• 21:19
  Cheryl (2): Yes.
• 21:20
  Cheryl (2): And for me, it was taking it personally.
• 21:23
  Cheryl (2): I mean, it's what you're talking about, that this is really important.
• 21:27
  Cheryl (2): You know, Oh, did I lecture too much?
• 21:29
  Cheryl (2): Was I too permissive?
• 21:31
  Cheryl (2): Oh no.
• 21:31
  Cheryl (2): Am I too authoritarian?
• 21:33
  Cheryl (2): Have I met their emotional needs?
• 21:34
  Cheryl (2): Hmm.
• 21:35
  Cheryl (2): Calm down, but also I took it so personally, which is why I drowned in regret.
• 21:41
  Cheryl (2): Yes.
• 21:42
  Cheryl (2): And beating myself up.
• 21:44
  Ellen: Because my kids would tell me, Mom, you're taking it personally.
• 21:47
  Ellen: Uh huh.
• 21:47
  Cheryl (2): Uh,
• 21:48
  Ellen: well, it is.
• 21:49
  Ellen: Well, my children told
• 21:49
  Cheryl (2): me they didn't tell me I was taking it personally because they knew I'd take it personally.
• 21:54
  Cheryl (2): And I would spiral down.
• 21:55
  Cheryl (2): Yeah.
• 21:55
  Cheryl (2): See?
• 21:55
  Cheryl (2): Yeah.
• 21:56
  Cheryl (2): So I would say, Top of the list.
• 21:58
  Cheryl (2): Quit taking it personally.
• 22:00
  Cheryl (2): Take it seriously, but not personally.
• 22:02
  Cheryl (2): That's
• 22:02
  Cheryl: good.
• 22:03
  Cheryl: I think another thing I really struggled with, especially when my kids were young, was taking things to the nth degree.
• 22:11
  Cheryl: Right.
• 22:11
  Cheryl: And magnifying or catastrophizing things.
• 22:14
  Cheryl: You know, if they told one little white lie, I just knew they were headed to prison for life.
• 22:19
  Cheryl: Um, and realizing this is an isolated incident or it's not,
• 22:23
  Ellen: it's just their age.
• 22:25
  Christie: Yeah.
• 22:25
  Christie: And it, or it's just their struggle.
• 22:26
  Christie: Yeah.
• 22:27
  Christie: There's been a lot of things that.
• 22:30
  Christie: My kids have done or fallen into or chosen to do where it felt so devastating that they would do, I mean, I've got great kids, but I just mean they've made choices that I didn't think we would have to deal with that issue.
• 22:46
  Christie: And just being able to say, you know, This was a choice.
• 22:49
  Christie: Mm-Hmm.
• 22:50
  Christie: And this is what we'll deal with.
• 22:51
  Christie: And we'll all survive another day to talk about it later.
• 22:54
  Christie: Yeah.
• 22:54
  Christie: That's good.
• 22:54
  Christie: It's not the end of the world, it's just a life lesson to learn from.
• 22:58
  Christie: Right.
• 22:58
  Cheryl (2): Which, you know, that should be the lesson we really want our children to get from us.
• 23:04
  Cheryl (2): Mm-Hmm.
• 23:04
  Cheryl (2): You know, and so if we can not catastrophize Mm-Hmm.
• 23:08
  Cheryl (2): If you can quit taking it personally, if we keep things in balance for what it really is, don't overreact.
• 23:15
  Cheryl (2): Overreact.
• 23:16
  Cheryl (2): Mm-Hmm.
• 23:16
  Cheryl (2): all of that.
• 23:17
  Cheryl (2): But we just go back kind of the same things, but I can't do that if I don't have margin, Yeah,
• 23:22
  Ellen: that's good
• 23:23
  Cheryl (2): Last time that mom saying so burned out and so when I'm burned out, I don't have resources to pull from.
• 23:31
  Cheryl (2): as individuals and as parents in particular, we're a total package.
• 23:36
  Cheryl (2): So, if we're not doing that taking care of me, where I'm healthy and I have margin and I have emotional bandwidth, when I have emotional bandwidth, I am such a better parent.
• 23:48
  Christie: Yeah.
• 23:48
  Christie: Right.
• 23:48
  Christie: And I think that is what speaks to the part of that question of consistency, because it's a lot harder to, you to be consistent when you're at your max, when you have no reserves to draw from, you're acting in survival mode, you're tired, the baby's sick, the, you know, somebody's at the door and it's all in this urgent emergency mode.
• 24:10
  Christie: You just give in to whatever's easiest in the moment.
• 24:13
  Christie: And
• 24:13
  Ellen: that's what I told my, my kids.
• 24:15
  Ellen: I said, don't do as much as I did.
• 24:18
  Ellen: We lived a very Um, you know, my husband was a military officer, so we lived a very intense, yes, an intense life with lots of changes you had.
• 24:28
  Ellen: If you're an upper ranking officer, the troops are looking at you, they're always looking at your family.
• 24:34
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 24:35
  Ellen: Living in a fishbowl.
• 24:36
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 24:36
  Ellen: It really was a fishbowl.
• 24:37
  Ellen: Yeah, it was a fishbowl.
• 24:39
  Ellen: And so you kind of have that in the back of your mind, because my children have gotten in trouble with that.
• 24:44
  Ellen: with Mike's commander before.
• 24:47
  Ellen: So, um, you know, that's, that's the kind of stuff that happens.
• 24:50
  Ellen: It's a little small world.
• 24:53
  Ellen: And, um, you kind of have to balance that in your head.
• 24:57
  Ellen: Okay, they're just being kids or this, This happened or I forgot my point that I was bringing up here.
• 25:04
  Ellen: Well, the consistency and I
• 25:06
  Christie: think that's true.
• 25:07
  Christie: Even if you aren't in the military position, it's we all kind of feel, especially with social media, feel like we're under a magnifying glass for everyone's.
• 25:18
  Christie: And that my identity is wrapped up in this child's behavior.
• 25:21
  Christie: And I feel, you know, like, Oh, I've got to control this situation.
• 25:24
  Christie: So the grandparents don't find out about their bad grade or, and so then that's when you start kind of operating not as objectively, but maybe more emotionally.
• 25:33
  Ellen: And especially if you're living a little different lifestyle, maybe you're homeschooling or you're in the military or you have a big family or a little family or a single parent, something
• 25:43
  Cheryl (2): different.
• 25:44
  Cheryl (2): Yeah.
• 25:44
  Cheryl (2): Everybody's
• 25:45
  Ellen: you feel like you're under a microscope.
• 25:46
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 25:46
  Cheryl (2): Yeah.
• 25:47
  Cheryl (2): Yeah.
• 25:47
  Cheryl (2): You know, and you said the big I word, which is identity, yeah, which we haven't brought into all of this.
• 25:54
  Cheryl (2): It's really important.
• 25:55
  Cheryl (2): Where am I getting my identity from?
• 25:58
  Cheryl (2): Am I getting it by the way I do parent or how perfectly apparent or am I always consistent?
• 26:04
  Cheryl (2): That's my identity.
• 26:05
  Cheryl (2): I'm this wonderful patient.
• 26:07
  Cheryl (2): level consistent parent.
• 26:09
  Cheryl (2): Well, that's what you think before you're a parent.
• 26:12
  Cheryl (2): I think that's where we get imbalance and unhealthiness in the general sense is where we're getting our identity.
• 26:20
  Christie: And that, that's why.
• 26:21
  Christie: It wrecked my ability to be consistent because I would panic when my kids would, would be disobedient or would be, you know, acting out or whatever.
• 26:30
  Christie: I would panic.
• 26:31
  Christie: What am I doing wrong that my kids are acting how am I ruining them?
• 26:36
  Christie: Yeah.
• 26:36
  Christie: Why, why can I not make them better people?
• 26:39
  Christie: And so then I would, you know, be emotional and reacting rather than responding and not just lovingly disciplining them, but just like managing the, The catastrophe.
• 26:50
  Christie: Yeah.
• 26:51
  Christie: That's really
• 26:51
  Cheryl (2): good.
• 26:51
  Cheryl (2): Yeah.
• 26:52
  Cheryl (2): At least because it goes back to your identity.
• 26:55
  Ellen: And you don't have an identity for a long time when you're a parent.
• 26:59
  Ellen: And by that, I mean, you're, you know, when you are in high school or your early years as an adult, you may feel like you have an identity, but this is who I am.
• 27:10
  Ellen: And then you get married and then you have kids and that kind of gets all thrown out Yeah.
• 27:14
  Ellen: Because you have to kind of have a different identity and you have to say, It's so easy to say, well, I'm a mom and that's my identity, but that's really dangerous.
• 27:23
  Ellen: And I would just really warn you that it's not a bad thing to say I'm a mom, but that isn't your identity, right?
• 27:28
  Ellen: You're still who you are.
• 27:30
  Ellen: You still need to cultivate your strengths and work on your weaknesses, but it's really, Easy to get caught up in, I'm a mom, and then when you're done and your children leave home, you're like, now do I do?
• 27:41
  Cheryl (2): Yeah.
• 27:42
  Cheryl (2): Or you're so wrapped up in every mistake.
• 27:45
  Cheryl (2): Yeah.
• 27:45
  Cheryl (2): You talk about a fishbowl.
• 27:47
  Cheryl (2): Yeah.
• 27:47
  Cheryl (2): We have in this, I'm going to do this perfect parenting.
• 27:49
  Cheryl (2): Yes.
• 27:51
  Cheryl (2): And that is excellent advice for All of our listeners, and y'all, we have this whole stack of questions, and we are out of time again.
• 27:59
  Cheryl (2): So so much, and we'll get back to these another time, okay?
• 28:08
  Cheryl (2): Parents, let us keep hearing from you, and hang in there.
• 28:12
  Cheryl (2): Keep loving, keep persevering, because it's worth it.
• 28:22
  So what stood out to you from today's discussion?
• 28:26
  Like that mom who wrote us reflecting on your parenting style and your child's behavior?
• 28:33
  This can be a helpful step in understanding how to approach family issues.
• 28:38
  Consider the specific moments or stories that resonated with you from our conversation.
• 28:44
  Now, how can you take these insights and apply them to your everyday interactions with your children?
• 28:52
  Remember, life is short.
• 28:55
  And parenting are both a process, and every bit of progress is valuable.
• 29:02
  Um, maybe you could start a journal and track your thoughts and experiences as you try out new strategies.
• 29:10
  Because even small steps forward are steps in the right direction.
• 29:17
  Reach out with your stories and questions through our website, social media, or by emailing contact at theparentingpodcast.
• 29:25
  com.
• 29:26
  Sharing your journey not only helps you, but also others who might be going through similar experiences.
• 29:34
  Don't forget, with TPP, you are not alone on this journey.
• 29:38
  Embrace this parenting adventure with its ups and downs, and know that you have a community here to support you.
• 29:48
  From littles to bigs, working or stay at home, big budget or small, Be sure to join us next time as we jump into ideas for making the most out of our summer time as a family.
• 30:04
  Until next time, take care and keep nurturing those precious connections with your children.