Latest / The Golden Chronicles / Episode 10:Expectations-What Did You Expect?
Transcript
- Danielle: Danielle here Before we jump into this week's episode I just wanted to give a quick shout out to our sponsor Ear Goes because we know protecting our hearing is important Especially if we want to be able to hear each other in 20 years ⁓ Ear Goes are great because they don't block everything out. They just kind of dampen the noise I personally carry mine with everywhere. I'm on planes with them. I'm on trains with them. with them I carry them everywhere. ⁓ If you want to check them out, we would love for you to visit their website at Eargoes.com. That's E-A-R-G-O-E-S dot com and you can use our promo code GOLDEN for 15 % off your purchase. Let's get into it. Hi, and thank you for joining us on this week's episode of the Golden Chronicles podcast. Victoria: Hi, I'm Victoria, the Baby Boomer. Danielle: And I'm Danielle, I'm the millennial. If you are joining us for the first time, welcome. And if you are a returning listener, we just wanna say welcome back. We're so glad to have you. ⁓ This week's episode is gonna be on... Victoria: Welcome back. Expectations. Danielle: expectations. We're to talk about how are formed. We're going to talk about whether or not they are right or wrong. We're going to talk about how they can be damaging and how they can affect our relationships. Victoria: and how they can make relationships better as well. Danielle: and how they can make our relationships better. Okay, so you guys know how we like to start an episode. Victoria: with the definition. So, expectations are personal beliefs, anticipations, or strong beliefs about future events, behaviors, or outcomes. Expectations represent a state ⁓ looking forward to something often based on prior experience, probability, ⁓ assumed obligations. Danielle: Ooh, that's a good one. Victoria: Expectations Expectations can be positive or negative. Danielle: Okay, Sounds like expectations can set us up for hope. They can set us up for, expecting something to be one way. And so if it doesn't turn out the way that we it to, we can be disappointed. this one is. ⁓ something that I feel like I've been learning or I've really had to learn about expectations and how expectations, really for me, it's about how they need to be communicated. ⁓ that they're bad, but how they need to be communicated. And so we'll dive into that a little bit. ⁓ talk about maybe ⁓ how expectations are formed. Victoria: ⁓ that sometimes expectations are formed ⁓ on what we have learned children. For example, I was a stay-at-home and my mother-in-law was a stay-at-home as well. Danielle: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Victoria: Now, I homeschooled Danielle and Terrence so I had other responsibilities other than just cooking meals and washing clothes. My husband, Terry, expected me to be the stay-at-home mom or to model the stay-at-home that his mom was. Her kids were at school most the day, so she had the time to make these elaborate meals. so expected me ⁓ these elaborate waiting for him when he home from without understanding that he can't expect that from me or that's not an appropriate expectation because my role ⁓ as mom and wife. was different than his mom's role as mom and wife. So I think that expectation wasn't a bad thing. It was just that he was locked into an expectation of wife and mother was not ⁓ for who we were at that time. ⁓ Danielle: Yeah, also didn't communicate that because he just expected that the expectation was universal and it's not a universe. Expectations are not universal. I mean, I guess sometimes they are, ⁓ expecting people to be decent human beings, but ⁓ expectations are not universal. And I think that I experienced some of that too because... ⁓ I saw the way that and daddy were ⁓ and I think I expected marriage or family to look a certain way because that's the way that I saw it modeled. ⁓ And ⁓ I think I carried ⁓ me of what's... to look for in a partner based on my expectation of what a marriage should look like, based on what I saw modeled, not necessarily not based on my own experiences, but based on what I had seen. ⁓ think that expectations ⁓ in general aren't good or bad. I don't think that they have any morality, right? But definitely uncommunicated expectations. If good communication and good relationships and to not be disappointed, you know, it needs to be communicated and discussed expectations are not universal. And so I think we just need go into things with that understanding. ⁓ I think expectations, they don't shape outcomes but they ⁓ can how we feel about And so if Daddy an expectation ⁓ and wasn't met, he feel know, resentment or ⁓ or whatever, but That's not really getting him, that wasn't really getting him the result that he wanted, but it potentially was affecting the way that he felt about you or whatever. Victoria: And it affected the way I felt about myself, I was not meeting his expectation. And I didn't know how to communicate that I'm different. Our lifestyle is different from what it was with your mom and dad Danielle: Yeah. Victoria: the early 60s. He was born in 54, so the late 50s. The life style is different. So I was busy Danielle: Yeah. Victoria: And he wasn't understanding that. He did not see the difference between me and his mom. He just saw a stay-at-home mom, me, a stay-at-home mom, his mom, and just expected the same, that they would be the same. When everything else happened. Danielle: that they would be the same. Yeah, that stay at home, right, that stay at home mom meant this, and this is what a stay at home mom looked like as opposed to creating your own role, your own whatever of the stay at home mom, yeah. Victoria: Right, because we agreed to home school and maybe, and that was, you know, it was new too, and he may have not known what all was involved in that and how that would ⁓ change the dynamic of our family life. Danielle: Yeah, expectations ⁓ are formed by what's modeled for us, ⁓ our past experiences, ⁓ norms too. I feel like growing there expectations for what ⁓ my life should look like ⁓ and what things I prioritize and what... journey I should be on. was very much, you know, traditional journey and not just being in the church, but that played a role in it as far as like you don't date ⁓ because we kiss, dating, goodbye. ⁓ And then you leave room for Jesus and eventually you get married and you have babies and you know this is what's expected. And so that's of what I expected life to look like. ⁓ And you said something said that ⁓ expectation of you changed way that you saw yourself because now you had expectation which I think is so good to talk about because I feel like If you expect that you're supposed to be meeting your husband's expectations and you're not, then you start to feel like, well, am I bad wife? Am I bad partner? really, the expectations were unfair and unrealistic for your situation. And so... ⁓ Victoria: Right. Right. Danielle: I feel like a lot of times I place expectations on myself sometimes based on, like I said, growing up in a certain culture placing those expectations on myself because I think that's what's expected of me, right? ⁓ also, like I am ⁓ really hard on myself ⁓ and I'm a little bit of a perfectionist sometimes. And so ⁓ I have unrealistic on myself sometimes not only can someone else's expectations affect the way that see yourself but also the expectations that we put on ourself can affect our self-image. ⁓ Victoria: Also, I think... There are expectations that our adult children unfairly without Danielle: Mm-hmm. Victoria: having discussion the baby boomer parent. They ⁓ already have expectation we should ⁓ just accept the way things are now. ⁓ Danielle: Mm-hmm. Victoria: I think that if the adult child had a conversation with, things are like this now, this is what this is like, this is what this means, people think of things differently than the way you all did, and this is how we think differently and why we think differently, think that would open ⁓ the opportunity for the adult child to have correct expectation and the boomer parent to understand the expectation. even though they may not meet the expectation of the millennial child, they now understand it, know what it is, ⁓ they can have discussions about it. Danielle: Give some examples. What's an example that you're thinking of? Victoria: ⁓ spoke a ⁓ grandma who is a baby boomer daughter-in-law and son are raising children ⁓ and the daughter-in-law and the expect the grandparents to have relationships with grandchildren is mindful ⁓ ⁓ their non-binary So they're expecting grandparents to jump board. The grandparents have never heard the word non-binary. They don't really understand the concept. It's not something that they've ever been associated with in their childhood or young adulthood. So for the parents to expect the grandparents to jump on board right away, I think is unrealistic until they have had the conversation of why this is, why we feel this way in some. ⁓ adult children may not feel like it's necessary for them to explain that and that's fine. They don't have to, but if they want to have a connection with their parents and if they want to have a good relationship with their parents, take the time to understand that they may need to have a discussion with you to understand your expectations concerning that. Danielle: don't think that it's unfair ⁓ an adult child to expect their their parent, so their children's grandparent, to ⁓ style of parenting. Right? ⁓ don't think... saying this is how we choose to raise our kid, please respect that, is expecting the grandparents to just get on board or get lost. ⁓ I do think that there are that need to have, but I think at base this is how these are my kids and this is how I'm choosing to raise them ⁓ expectation that the that the grandparent is going to just respect it is not an expectation, unfair or unrealistic, right? ⁓ I think that if they want... Just like we talked in our episode last week about respect and respect versus support, like that's a different conversation, but I think the expectation that the grandparents ⁓ will ⁓ respect their way of parenting isn't unrealistic. Victoria: Right, I would agree. And the grandparents are not saying that we will not respect the way you raise your They're saying, what does that mean? What that? ⁓ Danielle: Yeah, ⁓ and, I don't think that's the same, So I don't think that, it's one thing to someone to respect your decision, ⁓ it's thing to expect someone to understand your decision. but I think the expectation of the adult child, the parent of the grandchild, To say I expect my parents to respect my decision whatever that looks like, ⁓ is one thing. But then to expect them understand is something different. if they're expecting their parent to understand, ⁓ I think that's where it gets harmful because ⁓ this is new for grandparent, for the boomer. don't, ⁓ know, what that mean? What does that look like? And I think expectation is unfair and unrealistic for just to expect someone to understand ⁓ your decisions without talking to them about it. ⁓ But I don't think it's unrealistic for them to ask for them to respect their decision, ⁓ even without understanding it, if that makes sense. Victoria: I can understand what you're saying. It's two different things from them. ⁓ They ⁓ daughter-in-law and the son as the parents. ⁓ not going to go against their decisions. ⁓ they spend the weekend at their home and they ⁓ the parents, please don't give them sugar, they're going to respect that. ⁓ I understand what you're saying about that. ⁓ that's easy to understand. Don't give my kids sugar. ⁓ Danielle: Right. Yeah. Victoria: but then to say, don't address my son as him ⁓ or her, but as although they're respectful, ⁓ the ⁓ boomer parent is now, ⁓ they're confused, ⁓ it's not change the fact they the... Danielle: Yeah. Victoria: the parents of the grandchildren. Danielle: Yeah, and I think that's just less about expectations and more about, you know, ⁓ changing. ⁓ and changing mindsets ⁓ ⁓ especially It's conversations that they are gonna have to have for sure, but I think at level, the expectation is to expect ⁓ and expect this is gonna something, this isn't just gonna be a I say it one time and we never talk about it again. ⁓ I think it's totally to expect ⁓ that this is gonna ⁓ an ongoing topic of because my parents don't understand this and my... Parents are curious, they are open-minded to how I'm raising my kid and to expect them to have questions and to expect them to have setbacks and to expect them to, you know, not always get it right, but to expect them to continue to try to learn, I think that that. Victoria: And also the the should able to expectation their children, will willing help them understand. parent has the expectation, well I really don't that, but I But I expect, or I believe that my son and my daughter-in-law will help me understand just for sake of understanding. You know, not, the baby boomers are not ⁓ fearful Danielle: Yeah. Victoria: that they're be dismissed, but that they're be helped. They have expectation. They're confused. ⁓ but they expect the adult child, to help them understand. ⁓ Not that Danielle: Yeah. Victoria: not understanding is going to cause the boomer to not respect their rules. has nothing to do with that. It's just that they can feel and have expectation that ⁓ whenever there's something that I've not understood, they've always the time to help me So that in itself is an expectation. Danielle: Yeah, and a really great way make of that easier is for ⁓ the parent to say, ⁓ I respect this. ⁓ I don't quite understand it. I love it if you would me understand it ⁓ Can we, continue have these conversations or for the ⁓ millennial. parent slash adult child to say this is how we want to raise our kids. I understand that you probably don't understand it all the way and I'm happy to answer any questions or give you any resources or connect you with any whatever. And I expect you to respect that this is my decision. I think one of our episodes in the future will be on communication because I think that's going to be a really important one. the expectations aren't ⁓ wrong. It's just in everything we just need to communicate about it. And so I think in that situation in particular, it's just about communication. It's just about the other know where your head is at, and understanding that not everybody's communication style is the same so the parent might say, I don't get it, I don't understand ⁓ because they're blunt and direct and the the might take offense to that. Well, you know, if you don't understand then you can whatever, but ⁓ understanding that there are different communication and not expecting someone to respond in the same way that you would respond. I don't believe that it's an unfair expectation to expect basic human decency and respect, but I do think that there is some communication that needs to happen with expectations, as I've said a thousand times in this five minutes. Yeah. ⁓ Victoria: Absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah. Danielle: think ⁓ social Like what is the expectation when people are posting on social media? Victoria: I some people ⁓ social that... you're to claim something, ⁓ and claim to be an expert at a thing. I expect. Danielle: you expect them to be truthful and you expect them to be an expert at what they're saying they're an expert at. No, I feel like that's a fair expectation. Don't tell me you're an expert if you're not an expert. Victoria: Yes, that's not... Don't tell me you're an expert if you're not an expert. And that is based on my expectation of the people that, and these are people that I really know that I've met that I've had done life with at some time the past. ⁓ But that is one of my expectations. I think that's, and that's not some, ⁓ I would love to tell them the expectation. ⁓ Danielle: Yeah. Victoria: and call them out on it, but is a situation where ⁓ my expectation them does not matter. It matters in the that, if I'm tired hearing it, stop following them. Danielle: Yeah. Yeah, there's that part too. Victoria: ⁓ I would expect to be truthful, Danielle: Yeah. that are some that we can the board universally expect, right? We expect that. an expert is gonna be truthful. We expect that we are entitled to a certain amount of privacy. We expect if we're walking around naked in our home that our neighbor isn't actually gonna be peeking in our window looking at us walking around naked. Like there are just some things that we can expect and I think that one of those things is expecting that someone who's positioning themselves as an expert is going to at least have read a book, you know, on the topic and they're not just spouting things out of their ass. Victoria: At least, at least on a Google search. Danielle: Yeah, or something, you know, we are not experts here, you This is an opinion podcast. We're just talking about our feelings and our experiences. We're not experts. We have done some research on the topics that we're talking about because we want to make sure that we're not ⁓ throwing up major red flags and bad information, but. Victoria: Right. Yeah. Yeah. Right. So don't expect us to be professionals because that would be an incorrect expectation. Danielle: Yeah. We're opting out right now if you think we're experts, please. I mean, thank you, but... Victoria: And we hear of people that are in the news, popular people, authors, actors, even pastors. We have an expectation for those people, then find out that, my they're criminals. Danielle: Yeah, no, that's crazy. Well, and I think that's kind of fine line as to where expectations can become problematic, right? So like, it's one thing to expect expert to have some sort of actual expertise on what it is that they're sharing. It's another thing to expect a celebrity ⁓ or ⁓ a public figure behave in a certain way to meet your expectations, right? So there is the expectation that as a public figure that you're not gonna do anything that's gonna harm the public given your Victoria: will meet your expectation. Danielle: authority or your presence, your right? ⁓ But it's another thing to expect them Victoria: status. Danielle: to things the way that you would respond or to be above being human. Like that's an unfair expectation. They are still humans. do still have their own opinions, their own whatever. So it's unfair to expect them to be not human, but it's not unfair to expect them to act within. the that they are in, the position of power that they're in. So, I don't know, I guess that gets a little bit. that can get a little bit muddy because, okay, my beliefs are different, so I don't, expect you, I think that your beliefs are harmful, so you even talking about your beliefs feels harmful to the public for me because I don't agree with that. Like, that can get messy, but I think just expectations on people in general, we just have to understand at the end of the day, there are expectations. They really don't have any bearing on the other person except for that they're our expectation unless we communicate them is another place it becomes problematic, but to expect to ⁓ act the way that we think that they should act without them agreeing to act that every time I go into a a new job, I always try to ask, okay, what is the expectation of me on this tour? Because I've been touring for 12 years and there's one thing that's consistent. I run the lighting for the show, right? That is always expected. But the expectation outside of that specific duty is different on every single tour. And so ⁓ for my sake, I want to make sure I know what the expectations are. I want to give the production manager or the management the opportunity to communicate those expectations so that it's out there, so that I know what it is that you're looking for and so that I know whether or not... this is something that I can do. If And so I think asking people in situations, okay, what's your expectation me in this situation with the parents who... ⁓ are living their life with their kids being non-binary ⁓ for to say, what is your expectation? What does it look like for me to respect this for you? What is your expectation from me in how you're choosing to raise kids? Because the they, them ⁓ might not make sense for my brain. your expectation for me to get it right every time? Because that's unrealistic unfair. Is your expectation for me to, like I said earlier, respect it? Then I can do that right off the bat. ⁓ so what the expectation is and kind of setting it up. success early by communicating those expectations. dated this guy. I'm always telling a story about some guy that I dated. ⁓ Victoria: We expect you to tell us a story about... Danielle: At this point you should, you should expect me to tell you a story about somebody I dated and you should expect me to say, people are doing their best with the information that they have. Everybody's just trying to live their best life because that is my motto. But we dated for seven months without him being my boyfriend, right? Victoria: You you Danielle: So we were going on dates, we were hanging out, he was meeting my friends and family, I was meeting his friends and stuff, but he didn't want to call me his girlfriend. And for me, because of my expectations of how relationships go and kind of how, in general, relationships tend to go, you talk for a little bit, you become exclusive and you're dating, you know, I was expecting, I was like, why isn't he making me his girlfriend if we're dating, right? ⁓ his expectation was you... Don't ask someone to be your girlfriend unless that's someone that you think you're going to marry. Right? So my expectation is you date someone and then the success of the relationship is you either determine you're going to be with this person for the foreseeable future or you determine that this person isn't your person. But he's like, before I even make someone my girlfriend, I need to know if I'm gonna be with them forever. And so, fine, if that's how you choose to date, that's fine. But that was never communicated to me. So now here I am, like it's been seven months and I'm still not your girlfriend, I'm out, right? None of that was communicated to me. I'm living, and I guess it wasn't communicated to him either, although ⁓ in my I was living in the way that everybody else in the world seems to live. Not that that's like a good excuse, like, everybody's doing it, but like, I just feel like ⁓ if you a different expectation than what is ⁓ normal or normal, what is commonly accepted, then I think the responsibility falls on you. to communicate that expectation, my opinion. Victoria: Yeah. And I think that, like we talked earlier, I think dad ⁓ have... expressed and explained and told me what his expectation was so that we could have had a discussion about it. I do know that ⁓ to a conference for men ⁓ the speaker said that you should not put your expectations on your spouse. ⁓ kind of disagree with that because what says is Danielle: Mm-hmm. Victoria: to me, an example of that would be ⁓ you a clean home, ⁓ but never share that with your and your spouse never mopped the floor, never cleaned off the stove, left dishes in the dishwasher. washed clothes and dried them and just threw them on the floor. They should have had a discussion. Those two people ⁓ should have a discussion about what is expected. So I that ⁓ it's important to let the other person what's expected. ⁓ Danielle: I think unspoken expectations are just pre-planned disappointments. Like if you don't speak up, then you're just setting yourself up for disappointment. When Corey and I were dating, he spent a lot of time at condo and I... He was basically living at my condo and so using the shower, using the kitchen, using everything. And it was my condo, he wasn't officially living there and so he wasn't really helping in restocking the fridge or putting things back where they belong or anything like that. And so I communicated my expectation while we were dating, hey, I know that this is my place right now and so my responsibility keep it maintained. once we have a shared space, my expectation is going to be that we're both going to share in the responsibility of keeping our place clean. Right? Communicated that really early. And so with you and daddy, when you made the decision to be a stay at home mom, it could have been a conversation of, what does this look like? And I think it's hard because some people are not Corey in particular, it's not really a talk througher. he's just a doer, like let's just do it and we'll figure it out as we go. Where I'm like, let's set expectations early because I wanna know what I'm getting into. And so sometimes you have to kind of force that conversation. Okay, I'm gonna be a stay at home mom. What does that look like? What are you envisioning that looking like? Does that look like, I take care of the kids until you get home. Like, what does that look like for you? And then kind of setting the expectation early and allowing expectations to change as the situation changes. You you're not locked into that expectation. Like, hey, I know that you expect dinner to be on the table every night, but like it is really hard for me to do that when the kids have this, that, and the other to do every day. And I can't, can we? ⁓ change the expectation that I will whatever, you know, like just talking through the expectations so that everybody's on the same page. Victoria: I could have even a cooking class in our school where Danielle: Yeah. Victoria: we make a meal. we go to the we get the items, ⁓ talk about pricing, we talk about quality of food. All that could have been included in our day, And Terry, your dad, and you this, a man of few words. now I where there were discussions that we really should have had. Danielle: Yeah. Victoria: that we didn't ⁓ that would have been an expectation. Yeah, absolutely. ⁓ Absolutely. Danielle: Yeah. And you guys had different communication styles. I feel like even in our relationship sometimes, I a response. And sometimes that's not what I because communicate differently. Sometimes we just have different communication styles and different ways of operating. And so those, my expectation feels a little unfair because I'm like, well, why haven't, why didn't you respond this way? Well, that's my expectation that you would respond that way. That's not based in reality ⁓ the same way, feel sometimes we can assume intent based on our expectations. we expect that looks like this, that, or the other, and isn't this. way, then we feel like they don't love us. Well, their intent isn't that they don't love us, like their thought isn't that they don't love us, they just don't that that's the expectation. Daddy could have been like, well, she doesn't really care about me because she's not putting dinner on the table, but it's not that he didn't care, it's just that you didn't know that that was his expectation of what a loving stay-at-home wife looked like, you know? ⁓ Victoria: And it wasn't that we didn't have meals. There were times where he would come home then I would cook. Danielle: Yeah. Victoria: it wasn't like his mom's meals like roast and know grandma's homemade rolls, you know ⁓ Danielle: Yeah. And I think that sometimes those missed expectations can create gaps in relationships, right? So Victoria: Absolutely. Danielle: one person is thinking that something is obvious, like obviously you're, you know. Corey and I have had these kind of expectation misses too, where Victoria: Yeah. Danielle: expected me to respond a certain way and I wasn't in that head and I responded differently and then he's like, well, it was obvious me. And it's like, well, my head wasn't even there. and sometimes there are things I feel like you shouldn't have to share the expectation, but really if I want to not have a gap in my relationship, I need to put on my big girl pants and have the conversation, you know? And it's not that gonna tell you what needs to be done, but I can just tell that this is how I this going and then give you the opportunity to say, well, that's not realistic for me Victoria: and have the conversation, yeah. Danielle: or ⁓ I didn't realize that that... was the expectation and so... Here's how I can show up for you or Now I understand those expectations. ⁓ I think that those gaps can us feeling ⁓ let down or confused. Like were feeling very confused daddy's expectations of you having the meal on table. That was confusing for you, his frustration with that ⁓ you didn't understand it. And I feel like Like with the cleaning, before I communicated that expectation, I was feeling ⁓ unappreciated because I'm doing all this and Corey's not doing anything to help, but I hadn't that like, hey, even though it's my house, you know, the responsibility will be shared because you are here lot or whatever it And so that gap isn't it's often not about effort, right? It's not like you weren't trying to be a good stay at home mom. It's just that your expectations were misaligned. Victoria: All right. Also. It would have been good if we had sat down and discussed the expectation and how I can meet his expectation as a wife and someone who loves him someone who cares what cares about. have been great conversation for us have. Danielle: Yeah. Victoria: because in of those situations I felt as though I was failing. ⁓ Danielle: Yeah. Yeah. Victoria: So it's really important for people to express their expectation so that everyone understands what is expected. it's not, you know, some people might say, well, you should have known. ⁓ Well, no, you don't the way that I Danielle: Yeah. Victoria: How would I know? don't read minds. Danielle: so, you know, I think really it comes down to communication. Because I mean, there are some things that are okay to expect, but I think before you get frustrated about the things that you expect not being done or ⁓ things that you expect not being being done, ⁓ You just have to remember to communicate it. Saying things out loud instead of assuming. Asking instead of guessing. Clarifying instead of correcting after the fact. You know, like, let's talk about it beforehand. not just gonna jump to frustration. I'm gonna understand that, like, okay, maybe this isn't something that we've talked about. ⁓ do, ⁓ the same time, feel like if we've talked about it a bunch, ⁓ expect you to remember. ⁓ So, ⁓ don't know whether that's right or wrong. Maybe I'm... I'm a perfectionist on myself and so I know that sometimes that translates to other people where I expect people to give the same amount of care that I give into something and if someone's told me something six times I'm gonna really do my best to remember it the seventh time. but that's not everybody. some people or they've got a lot more on their plate that they're juggling whatever and so. ⁓ Victoria: Yeah, I just think that since we communicate differently, you have one person who needs to communicate to understand so that they can get it right, And then you have another person who doesn't think it's necessary to communicate. so they don't consider we need to have a discussion about the ⁓ Danielle: Yeah. And if you know that about your person, ⁓ like I know that Corey doesn't necessarily feel like it's important to talk through all the details. And I still need to talk to all the details. So guess what? We're talking through the details. you've committed to being married to me and being married to me means we have to have these conversations and it is something that like we talk about in therapy because I need to know the expectation I need to know I need you to know ⁓ the expectation I need us to be on the same page and so ⁓ These are just conversations that we're going to have to have. ⁓ Victoria: you know, you and I know ⁓ sometimes can be difficult. ⁓ They can feel weird. They can feel, ⁓ don't want to have this conversation. ⁓ we've learned, ⁓ and I have learned that ⁓ ⁓ what keep us connected. And there are some difficult conversations that we've had and will probably have in the future. But they're necessary. Danielle: Yeah. Yeah. Victoria: just like sharing your expectations necessary to maintain good ⁓ as simple that, just to maintain a good relationship. Danielle: Yeah. Yeah. expectations can ⁓ benefit the right? Because it creates understanding ⁓ and it sets and it helps reduce confusion. now we're clear what is of me. I'm not gonna be confused when you're that I didn't do this that I didn't know was of me. Now I know ⁓ we've. This is the expectation. I know where the lines are for this box and I can fill this box all the way up. with relationships with parents and adult children, ⁓ helps us understand. Okay, I expect you to check on me and to ask me how I'm That something that like as a child I expect from my parent. And so if you're not that, I... ⁓ had a conversation with someone recently who was saying that their mom like never on them because mom doesn't feel they or that they're an adult and that they don't want... that they don't want their mom to check on them all the time. But they're like, no, you're still my mom. I still want my mom to call me and I still want my mom to see how I'm doing. Maybe not every day, maybe not even once a week, but just like on occasion for my mom to reach out and say hi, I miss you or whatever. so even in that, to have that conversation of, ⁓ mom, ⁓ know that I'm an adult now, but you're still my mom and I still expect you to I still expect you to like wanna know how I'm doing and that kind of... ⁓ frees the parent up to show up how their child them to show up with the understanding that my child needs this and not just ⁓ wondering, ⁓ gonna be too Am I gonna be burgeoning them if I call them and ask them how they're doing or whatever? Let's set the expectation, let's have a about it. And it's weird, right? Because why do I need to tell my parent to call me? ⁓ Victoria: Right. I'm ready. Danielle: I think that we're all humans and we all sometimes get inside of our head and we don't know the expectation. And so now we're trying to make up our own expectation based on we're assuming instead of asking because we don't want to make it weird or whatever, but let's just have the conversation so that way we're all freed up to... Victoria: Mm-hmm. Danielle: live in our clear, ⁓ boundary-set ⁓ ⁓ Victoria: We're guessing at what the expectation is. And so we get caught up in trying figure out what they expect. ⁓ we could move forward in our relationship the understanding of what the are. ⁓ Danielle: Yeah, exactly. So through our experiences with expectations, we have seen that. something that's been helpful for us is checking expectations early, right? Having those conversations early, having those conversations often, things change. We're constantly changing, situations are constantly changing. Victoria: Also, I think need to be willing to change our expectation ⁓ ⁓ loved one or friend ⁓ Danielle: Yeah. Victoria: from time to time, we need to take a look at the expectations that we have uneven on ourselves ⁓ and just reevaluate or be willing to reevaluate. They may remain the same, ⁓ but there may be some changes in the expectations. ⁓ Danielle: Yeah. that plays big into our conversation about roles, like allowing people to change and to show up differently ⁓ and ⁓ expecting to change ⁓ and ⁓ Maybe not expecting them to change, but expecting that people could change, circumstances could change, thoughts could change, plans can change, and ⁓ leaving space for that Not holding people firm to expectations that were communicated 10 years ago. Victoria: Right. Danielle: Well, you know, 10 years ago you said that you were going to call me once a week and that you were going to check in. Well, okay, 10 years ago I didn't have, 67 ⁓ jobs and 15 kids, you know? ⁓ Or whatever, you know, whatever. Victoria: Yeah, right, right, ⁓ People don't want to as though they've failed ⁓ in relationship or failed to meet expectations of another Danielle: Yeah. Victoria: if those expectations ⁓ sensible, ⁓ reasonable. Danielle: Yeah. Yeah. Victoria: Like people aren't looking to let you down. They just may know what you need. ⁓ Danielle: Exactly. People aren't going into friendships or relationships or with their parents saying, I'm gonna, I really hope I let them down today. You know, like that's not. ⁓ Victoria: You Danielle: Really nobody in the history of ⁓ ⁓ had that mindset going into something. I'm really hoping I let them down today I'm really hoping that they're disappointed in me today like nobody wants to nobody wants their parents to be disappointed in them ⁓ of what they believe or how different it is from their parents or any of that like no one wants to be a disappointment to anyone I don't think that's ⁓ Maybe there's somebody ⁓ that's not what I've experienced, you know Victoria: Thanks. Yeah, think there are people that don't care if they let a person down. ⁓ would agree. ⁓ would agree that possibly, like, you know, there are seven billion people in the world. But I imagine that people don't look forward to... Danielle: Yeah. Victoria: They may be angry with a person. They may want to share their anger with a person. ⁓ And they may not care that they let a person down. But I wouldn't say that they went into a relationship to let someone down. ⁓ Danielle: Yeah, of course. And I think there are circumstances that get to the point where you're just like, I actually don't care if you're let down anymore, you know, but, or, you know, your opinion of me doesn't really hold any value to me, so if you're let down, you're let down. Victoria: Right. Danielle: I don't care if you're disappointed. Which is fair, but for for those relationships that we want to nurture, then ⁓ yes, I think nobody goes into those wanting to let people down. Yeah. ⁓ Victoria: I would agree. Danielle: Yeah, learning that expectations, they need to be communicated. They're not good or bad inherently. I think that they have a time and a place ⁓ and... Consent is important in expectations. sure that everybody's kind of on the same page about what's expected and consenting to that being what they're willing commit to or be a part of goes without saying, communication is very important in all of the topics that we talk about here at the Golden Chronicles should be called the Golden Communication or something like that. ⁓ yeah, think will always exist and the isn't to eliminate them, it's just to make them more visible and more sustainable for Victoria: Yeah. Danielle: everybody. Victoria: And I think flexibility in expectations and matters of life are important. we were speaking earlier, an ongoing conversation about the expectation of another. And so it's a conversation that needs to be had quite frequently and a good conversation have ⁓ Danielle: So yeah, I think that is our conversation on expectations. Victoria: we hope that it will ⁓ to connect or to reconnect with family of different generation. Danielle: Yeah, for sure that. We would love to hear your stories about expectations, missed expectations or unfair expectations or uncommunicated expectations and ⁓ how you handle your expectations, whether you're communicating them or whether you're ⁓ just putting your off to the side completely ⁓ with no expectations. I would love to live life that way. That like a fantastic way to my life. Victoria: I would like to hear your comments on expectations that you have for a friend. Danielle: expectations that you have for a friend, Sweet, well thank you guys for joining us. Victoria: Thank you. Danielle: We always love. Getting to talk about all these things that we're learning or that we've learned we're glad that you guys are on the journey with us. ⁓ you have any suggestions of Victoria: Yes. Danielle: topics that you would like to hear the Golden Chronicles cover, feel free to us a message, a DM, a text, any of the things. You also email us at the goldenchroniclespodcast.gmail.com. ⁓ And please don't forget to visit our episode sponsor, Eargoes, at Eargoes.com. ⁓ and use our code GOLDEN for 15 % off your order. And I think that's it for us, you guys. Victoria: guys. Thanks for joining us again and ⁓ always thanks for cheering us on. ⁓ Danielle: Yes, thank you. Okay, bye. Victoria: Bye!