Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #1246 - Managing Transition Distress In Kids

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#1246 - Managing Transition Distress In Kids · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: Sometimes when you're co parenting, the kids come back to
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  Speaker 1: your place and they're disregulated, they're out of sorts, they're
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  Speaker 1: not the way you want them to be, and they're
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  Speaker 1: certainly not the way that they will when you drop
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  Speaker 1: them off at your ex's place. Today. What to do
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  Speaker 1: when your child is deregulated when they come home from
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  Speaker 1: being with their other parent Today, Welcome to the Happy
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  Speaker 1: Families Podcast. It's real parenting solutions every day on Australia's
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  Speaker 1: a Happy families dot com dot Au from anonymous, how
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  Speaker 1: can I help my four year old grandson? He lives
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  Speaker 1: with us and has fortnightly weekend visitation with his father.
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  Speaker 1: When he comes home, he is so disregulated tantrum's and
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  Speaker 1: next level for hours after getting home. I'm looking for
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  Speaker 1: tips to help ease these feelings. Noe. This behavior is
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  Speaker 1: only concerned after the visitation because of the severity of
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  Speaker 1: the behavior. Please help. So today, let's uncover three things.
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  Speaker 1: First off, what's going on behind the behavior? Number two,
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  Speaker 1: how can we create a support of transition environment? And
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  Speaker 1: number three, how do we build emotional bridges between homes? Kylie,
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  Speaker 1: you and I have had a philosophy around tantrums for
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  Speaker 1: as long as we've had children, and it's a pretty
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  Speaker 1: simple one.
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  Speaker 2: Tantrums aren't bad behavior. They're actually an opportunity for our
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  Speaker 2: kids to communicate to us. They just don't have the
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  Speaker 2: skills to sit down and go, ho, mum, I'm.
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  Speaker 1: Having a really hard time now, Yeah, that's right, Like I.
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  Speaker 2: This a meltdown because they are struggling so much with
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  Speaker 2: their world.
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  Speaker 1: Four year olds when their emotions are high don't tend
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  Speaker 1: to say can we have a minute and just talk
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  Speaker 1: because there's a handful of things going through my mind
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  Speaker 1: that I really need to walk through with you and problem.
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  Speaker 1: So they just don't. They don't go to high emotions
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  Speaker 1: low intelligence. I think It was one of our listeners, Jess,
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  Speaker 1: who email us and said, you can't think straight in
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  Speaker 1: the high emotion state. It's true for us, it's definitely
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  Speaker 1: true for our children, and so we call this distress
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  Speaker 1: during the transition literally transition distress that is moving between environments.
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  Speaker 1: It's a normal response because I am moving into an
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  Speaker 1: environment that's different to one that I'm in, and I
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  Speaker 1: don't have the emotion and behavior regulation, nor do I
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  Speaker 1: have the words to explain what's going on, and so
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  Speaker 1: I behave in a disregulated way, transition distress.
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  Speaker 2: I was actually having this exact conversation with a beautiful
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  Speaker 2: friend of mine recently, and she's in exactly the same situation,
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  Speaker 2: and her five year old came home and she's said,
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  Speaker 2: it's literally like the light in his eyes have gone out.
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  Speaker 2: He's not the child that I sent off to his dad.
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  Speaker 2: He comes home and he's just a completely different kid.
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  Speaker 2: And so I think one of the most important things
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  Speaker 2: that we can do in that space is to literally
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  Speaker 2: take away all expectations in this moment.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, I want to talk about that as part
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  Speaker 1: of our transition toolkit. Let me wrap up this five
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  Speaker 1: year old or this four year old depending on whether
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  Speaker 1: it's your story or the one from this grandma. This
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  Speaker 1: situation essentially, when a child comes home and then they
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  Speaker 1: have that meltdown and they're going through this transition. There's
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  Speaker 1: this stress around the transition, but then they release all
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  Speaker 1: their emotions because now they're in a space that feels
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  Speaker 1: safe to them and they know that they're allowed to
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  Speaker 1: let it out. Sometimes you hear about autistic kids who
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  Speaker 1: come home and then they take the mask off and
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  Speaker 1: they just lose it because they've been trying so hard
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  Speaker 1: to keep it together while they've been at school or
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  Speaker 1: something like that. And so this is the this is
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  Speaker 1: the challenge that we face. Right, We've got this tantrum
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  Speaker 1: that's actually a stress response, and paradoxically, it's a sign
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  Speaker 1: of trust and it's a predictable pattern, like we kind
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  Speaker 1: of know what's going to happen. Pressure builds during the transition,
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  Speaker 1: then it releases when your child feels safe. And in
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  Speaker 1: this situation there's often a lot of accusation. I just
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  Speaker 1: want to highlight this, we don't know and I want
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  Speaker 1: to be really sensitive here. We don't know what's going on,
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  Speaker 1: don't know what's happening at dad's. Dad might actually be
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  Speaker 1: doing a great job, but the child's simply distressed because
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  Speaker 1: of the transition. Dad could be doing a terrible job,
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  Speaker 1: which is promoting the transition distress. What we know with
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  Speaker 1: little kids is that there is a transition storm and
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  Speaker 1: it's going to be a potential challenge regardless of what's
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  Speaker 1: going on in one context or the other.
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  Speaker 2: The reality is for children, especially young children, they need consistency,
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  Speaker 2: totally consistency and routine consistency and environment consistency in caregiver
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  Speaker 2: like that makes such a difference to their sense of
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  Speaker 2: well being in security. So, like you've acknowledged, it doesn't
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  Speaker 2: actually matter whether what's happening at Dad's house is great
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  Speaker 2: or bad, the outcome will often be the same because
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  Speaker 2: there's a change. And that's literally what we're experiencing. There
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  Speaker 2: is a change in the environment, there's a change in
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  Speaker 2: the caregiver, and now you're four year old in his
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  Speaker 2: limited life experience has to recalibrate and that's what we're
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  Speaker 2: dealing with right now. So recalibration.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, So after break the transition Toolkit, we have four
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  Speaker 1: ideas for you there as well as how you can
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  Speaker 1: build some effective communication bridges. I guess between your child
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  Speaker 1: and the transition challenges that you're facing. Okay, Kylie. A
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  Speaker 1: transition toolkit for a child who's struggling with moving from
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  Speaker 1: one environment to another in a copering situation. Four things
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  Speaker 1: from me. You might want to add a couple of
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  Speaker 1: things around around the edge of this, but they're fairly
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  Speaker 1: simple and quite self explanatory. Number One, you want to
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  Speaker 1: create a soft landing after pick up. That's what you
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  Speaker 1: were hinting at before. Keep things really really smooth, expect
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  Speaker 1: the storm plan accordingly. Keep those first few hours really quiet,
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  Speaker 1: low stimulation, avoid errands and extracurricular activities, social gatherings immediately
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  Speaker 1: after the pickup. Just keep it low key. Second thing,
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  Speaker 1: have some consistent connection rituals. So every time he comes
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  Speaker 1: home to you, have that special book, maybe it's a
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  Speaker 1: photo album, that snack, have that quiet activity, the thing
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  Speaker 1: that you're reading together, something predictable that signals we're back together.
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  Speaker 1: The third thing, focus on regulation before you step into
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  Speaker 1: any big conversations or anything. So hugs gentle, physical comfort
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  Speaker 1: so long as he's okay with that, calm, easy speaking
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  Speaker 1: to help reset his nervous system, maybe even doing some
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  Speaker 1: box breathing or some general meditation or body scans that
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  Speaker 1: kind of thing, just to focus on being calm before
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  Speaker 1: you're getting into things.
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  Speaker 2: I want to count you on this because I love
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  Speaker 2: the calm thing and I think that it's really important.
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  Speaker 2: But for some kids, I actually think they need to
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  Speaker 2: let out the pent up energy that they're experiencing. And
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  Speaker 2: the other day I saw this reel and it just
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  Speaker 2: resonated with me beautifully because I think it's something that
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  Speaker 2: Emily would have responded to so well. A few years ago,
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  Speaker 2: when her son comes home from school, they play this
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  Speaker 2: game and she's got socks on there on the floorboards,
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  Speaker 2: and he gets to push against her hands as hard
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  Speaker 2: as he can, and he's got to try and move
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  Speaker 2: her across the floor to a certain point, and he's
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  Speaker 2: using all of his body strength. Mum wearing socks obviously
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  Speaker 2: is going to let him win, but in the process
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  Speaker 2: of doing that, he actually gets out a whole heap
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  Speaker 2: of pent up energy through that process, and then they
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  Speaker 2: roll over and have a big laugh together.
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  Speaker 1: Okay, So I've got thoughts on this. Two different thoughts.
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  Speaker 1: First of all, if it works for you, that's great, wonderful, fantastic.
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  Speaker 1: Second thought, there is quite a bit of research that
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  Speaker 1: shows that this idea of using aggression to get it
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  Speaker 1: out can also backfire. That it can become a thing
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  Speaker 1: where it can become aggressive and it can become unhelpful
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  Speaker 1: as well. So I'm going to say maybe maybe not
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  Speaker 1: certainly looks like fun on Instagram in real life, it
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  Speaker 1: might work, but it could also it could also backfire
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  Speaker 1: either way. What we're really emphasizing here is soft landings,
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  Speaker 1: consistency and predictability, and generally some form of regulation. Now
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  Speaker 1: that regulation might come through physical activity, it may come
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  Speaker 1: through deep breathing and gentleness. Either way, we're doing something
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  Speaker 1: before we step into conversations. And if the emotions are
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  Speaker 1: really big, my fourth idea is just validate those emotions,
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  Speaker 1: but don't endorse the behaviors. So I get that you're
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  Speaker 1: having really big feelings right now, or it's okay to
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  Speaker 1: feel upset. Sometimes when we move from one place to another,
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  Speaker 1: we feel upset. You're setting in really clear boundaries, but
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  Speaker 1: you're accepting the feelings. That validation is really important. They're
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  Speaker 1: the main things that I would suggest are going to
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  Speaker 1: be useful. I think we've also got to be better
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  Speaker 1: at our communication, though, Like if we can create effective
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  Speaker 1: communication with our four year old or a five year old,
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  Speaker 1: we're going to find that they're better able to regulate
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  Speaker 1: themselves because it all makes sense. So you can just
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  Speaker 1: put a calendar on the wall and highlight when the
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  Speaker 1: visits are happening, so there's a countdown system. For younger kids.
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  Speaker 1: You can have transitional objects, so there's that one toy
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  Speaker 1: that goes from this house to that house and it's
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  Speaker 1: the one thing that they always have that keeps them
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  Speaker 1: feeling good. Or a photo album with both households involved
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  Speaker 1: in the photo album to make it all feel a
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  Speaker 1: bit more seamless.
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  Speaker 2: Maybe whenever there's a pickup or a transition, there's a
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  Speaker 2: favorite snack.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, or a quick outing, let's go and get that
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  Speaker 1: hot chocolate, the baby china, whatever it is that you
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  Speaker 1: love to do. Those kinds of things just promote that routine,
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  Speaker 1: that sense of safety, that predictability. There's a special something
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  Speaker 1: about it, so it feels like it's a bit of
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  Speaker 1: a treat. Those are the kinds of things that are
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  Speaker 1: going to be really, really, really helpful.
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  Speaker 2: But I think the main thing about this is recognizing
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  Speaker 2: that your child is having big emotions, and that's actually okay.
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  Speaker 1: Yes, yeah, especially for such a complex situation, you'd expect
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  Speaker 1: complex emotional experiences.
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  Speaker 2: And so allowing your children to work through those emotions
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  Speaker 2: in a safe space is actually a beautiful gift that
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  Speaker 2: you can give them.
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  Speaker 1: Okay, I want to talk just briefly about the communication
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  Speaker 1: between households. This is always going to be awkward. It
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  Speaker 1: can be really tricky, especially if there's any disharmony in
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  Speaker 1: the relationship, and often there is there's some acrimony. So
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  Speaker 1: what I would encourage would be a couple of things.
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  Speaker 1: Number One, I'd just be saying, hey, how are you
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  Speaker 1: finding it like you're finding this regulation when we drop
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  Speaker 1: off to you, because we're getting a bit when it's
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  Speaker 1: coming back our way. We just want to know how
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  Speaker 1: that's going and what we can do to make things better.
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  Speaker 1: In both directions, I would be encouraging consistent bedtimes, consistent
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  Speaker 1: meal times, consistent dietary expectations. Like if we've got a
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  Speaker 1: Disneyland dad who's going to get up on sugar and
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  Speaker 1: ice cream and soft drinks and fast food and all
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  Speaker 1: that kind of thing, and then we're trying to eat healthy,
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  Speaker 1: then there's going to be some challenges around that. And
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  Speaker 1: I think that both households. Just you said it at
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  Speaker 1: the start, and you said it so well. The tantrum
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  Speaker 1: is a signal that we've got a child who is
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  Speaker 1: processing a whole lot of complexity, but there is communication here.
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  Speaker 1: The tantrum is an indicator that we've got a child
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  Speaker 1: experiencing challenge.
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  Speaker 2: So I guess if we were to wrap this all up,
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  Speaker 2: the most important gift we can give our kids is
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  Speaker 2: a consistent, compassionate response. Yeah. I would have been creating
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  Speaker 2: some perfect strategy.
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  Speaker 1: Perfect I was going to say that. Yeah, like we
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  Speaker 1: can get all caught up in the I've got to
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  Speaker 1: do this and this and this and this and this.
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  Speaker 1: But so long as your child feels loved and gets
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  Speaker 1: that compassion, I think that's going to be the most
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  Speaker 1: important thing. The other stuff matters, but not as important
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  Speaker 1: as your response to the child.
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  Speaker 2: The second thing is helping them through these transitions. You're
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  Speaker 2: actually teaching them some really important skills in their emotional regulation.
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  Speaker 1: Right. So the more emotionally intelligent you are, the more
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  Speaker 1: that child will learn how to regulate. If you can
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  Speaker 1: be regulated yourself.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, So one of the things we do in our
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  Speaker 2: home often is are you essential oils and without having
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  Speaker 2: to teach them anything, just purely putting the oils on
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  Speaker 2: their body, they instantly take a deep breath and they
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  Speaker 2: regulate themselves in that process.
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  Speaker 1: Okay, so ultimately the storm's going to pass and you
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  Speaker 1: are the steady presence that's going to help them to
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  Speaker 1: weather the storm. Transition difficulties exist. There's transition to stress
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  Speaker 1: in all sorts of contexts, and the great challenge that
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  Speaker 1: we've got is working out how we can guide our
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  Speaker 1: children support our children through them. Thank you and honam
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  Speaker 1: us for your very tricky question. If you would like
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• 12:57
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