Latest / System Speak: Complex Trauma and Dissociation / Introduction

Transcript

Introduction · System Speak: Complex Trauma and Dissociation

• 0:08
  Speaker 1: Over: Welcome to the System Speak a podcast about Dissociative Identity Disorder. If you are new to the podcast, we recommend starting at the beginning episodes and listen in order to hear our story and what we have learned through this endeavor. Current episodes may be more applicable to long time listeners and are likely to contain more advanced topics, emotional or other triggering content, and or reference earlier episodes that provide more context to what we are currently learning and experiencing. As always, please care for yourself during and after listening to the podcast. Thank you.
• 0:56
  I guess in this first podcast, I mostly wanted to explain myself. I guess I can't really. That's why I'm here. I've watched a lot of videos on YouTube from different systems that shared their experiences of being diagnosed or living with dissociative identity disorder. I really appreciated these, and they were super helpful.
• 1:21
  But, also, because of my lifestyle and things going on, I don't actually have a lot of time to sit and watch videos, and so I was looking for podcasts that I could listen to on the go. But I only found a few, and most of those were episode specific, not a whole series. I don't know that I can do a podcast as expertly as they can do their fancy videos, but I thought I would at least try in case there's someone else out there like me that needs podcasts instead of videos. And besides that, I figure more information out there, the more helpful it could be to more people. My name is Sasha, and I wanted to get something right for a change.
• 2:03
  So I got permission to do this even though I really wanted to just do it on my own. There are things to share to tell about DID. I guess maybe starting with what it is, but mostly it means that there's lots of us that live in this body. Emma thinks it's her body or maybe that she's the main one or the first one, but none of that is true, but she doesn't understand it yet. I've been around for a long time, and I know a lot more than what I will just say here right now.
• 2:33
  And I tell her things sometimes, but she doesn't wanna listen yet, or maybe she doesn't know how. Maybe if anything, this podcast could help her as much as it could help us and as much as it could help other people like us. I don't know. It was just an idea. She's 36.
• 2:50
  I'm 17. I remember pretty far back, maybe from the beginning, maybe not exactly the beginning, but pretty early, more than she knows. Life was pretty rough back then. It's better now, and we're mostly safe. We've had to go inpatient and learn all kinds of things or how to have boring meetings and things to make sure that we're safe.
• 3:13
  But for myself, I still have to write on my hand sometimes or draw or color on my skin as one way of keeping me safe when I get really upset or have a hard time. Until we found the groups this summer, I didn't know that there were other people out there like us. I think it's kinda cool, but it's also kinda scary. And just because we've been through stuff, it's hard for me to make friends because, you know, I want to be sure people are safe and stuff. But I think I found some good ones, and that's kind of exciting.
• 3:43
  I really appreciate the people who are further along in the process or already know so much who have not only had the courage to share their stories, but have also been kind enough to reach out to me or to support us and the others to sort of help us all learn together. It helps us feel less alone in what has been a really scary world so far. I don't know what to tell you as we get started and as you get to know us a bit. Emma's married. She has kids.
• 4:13
  They're young. There's another one who works and another one who mostly is the wife and mother. Emma doesn't know them, but I know them. They know about the podcast, but they don't wanna be on it yet. That's okay, though.
• 4:27
  Maybe it can just be my own thing finally, something I can do without getting into trouble. Taylor's also here, older than me, not out right now, but kind of aware of what we're doing, and she knows about the podcast. I don't think she'll come out unless maybe I do something wrong or something happens where we need her. She's kind of a protector. I didn't know that was a word for her.
• 4:51
  I thought it was just being a bully, but I guess that's not the same thing. So I'm learning about that still. Emma doesn't know about her yet. Sometimes it causes big problems. Like, one time, we had to go to the dentist.
• 5:05
  Well, I mean, we have to go to the dentist a lot. But because of stuff we've been through, the dentist is really hard, actually. I hate going to the dentist. But one time, it went really bad, and Taylor punched him in the throat. I was kind of jealous she got to throat punch somebody for real.
• 5:23
  Also, we had to get a new dentist. Emma doesn't remember anything before getting married. I remember way back, but things I remember, she doesn't remember. That's part of having DID. I didn't know it had a name.
• 5:39
  I thought everybody was just like this or nobody was like us. She thought she was crazy. I'm the crazy. I like to have friends, and I like to have people to talk to, and I'm more social than she is. But I don't like getting in messes, and I hate drama.
• 5:56
  And sometimes it's really hard to find people who understand you, but who also can take care of themselves without it only being drama. Like, I wanna be healthy. I wanna be a decent human being and have my own life where I can be happy, but that means trusting people in ways I don't know how, and it means taking care of yourself in ways I don't know how. We go to therapy every week, on Mondays actually for us. She's really good, and we like her a lot, except it's always hard, and I hate it.
• 6:30
  I don't hate the therapist. I just hate therapy. Therapy. It took us four years to find a really good therapist. I don't know where our therapy journey started.
• 6:42
  I guess in college maybe. Maybe before that. We had to run away when we were 17. That was me. I did the running away.
• 6:49
  There was a family that let me live with them as long as we took care of their kids. So that's how we kept from being homeless and she was able to finish school. But that lady took us to college, when we got to the college, she told the dean of women, who was also like the on campus counselor, that we had nightmares and that we had been abused and that we had told her things that I know he didn't say, so I don't know who told her. But she told the counselor all these things. It was really embarrassing.
• 7:18
  She did it right there in the enrollment line. I couldn't believe it. I didn't go back to that house on break. We just stayed homeless during holidays. Later, I lived with professors sometimes, but that wasn't always good and actually complicated things later too, but that's a different part of the story.
• 7:37
  But this Dina woman, we saw her for a while. She wasn't licensed, though. I didn't know then that that was important, but she didn't have a license, and she was just doing it for the school. We had to journal a lot, we had to write, and she said we couldn't stay in school if we didn't keep seeing her. Do you know what she did when she found out there were others of us inside?
• 8:04
  She made a list of the people she could figure out and names she had gotten and wrote up paragraphs like describing us like on our bios on the website except without our permission and she sent them to all of our professors. It was horrible. It was horrible, and it caused all kinds of problems inside and outside. She also mailed our journal home to the parents. We hadn't even seen them in two years.
• 8:34
  It was maybe one of the most violating experiences of my life, and I had already been through a lot. I was so angry. But the one who was in school, she wanted to finish school, and they said we couldn't stay in school if we didn't have therapy. So they sent us to some kind of trauma specialist that was out of state, and every week, one of the professors drove us two hours for therapy and then back. It was so boring, and it was awful, and it was not good, and that therapist was not anymore helpful.
• 9:11
  And then everyone knew our business, and it all just escalated. That was my first experience of therapy. What it did do, though, that was helpful was we got away from the family. We needed that just for safety. So I guess it wasn't all bad because we did learn a lot about safety.
• 9:30
  That's also the first time we went in the hospital. Like I said, I don't wanna talk about that today. We saw that therapist for several years, but then we moved for grad school. We tried to get a different therapist then, but it was hard to find somebody who understood trauma, and it was hard to find somebody who understood DID. We still didn't have a name for it.
• 9:54
  We didn't understand what was going on exactly, but we had gotten closer than when we started with the crazy lady at the college. So different times in life when things got hard, we sometimes went to therapy for help from different people, but never found a good match really. But then, like, five years ago, the parents died, both of them. Also another story. Also not what I'm gonna tell today.
• 10:23
  But when they died, we really needed help because it brought up lots of layers, and there were lots of complications for that, obviously. Through a crazy chain of events, we were able to find a therapist maybe about three years ago. I don't know. Time gets kinda fuzzy. She didn't know anything about DID, but she did know about trauma.
• 10:47
  Well, trauma for kids, but there wasn't anyone where we lived that could work with trauma and adults. That doesn't even make sense to me. Also, I'm not an adult, but I am, but I'm not. This therapist did sand tray, so we had to play in the sand every week. There were some things that were good and helpful, like being able to show some of what happened to us.
• 11:10
  But there were other things that were not helpful, at least for us. Like, we never really processed it or got to talk about it or say anything about what it meant. We just went every week for a year, made the same sand tray every week for a year, and then left every week for a year, and nothing ever happened. We never talked about it. We never said anything.
• 11:31
  There was no processing at all. Other things also weren't helpful. Like, she was always hot, so she left the door of her office open, like, all the way open right into the waiting room. So it was really hard to get comfortable to say anything even if we did get the chance. She also spent all of her sessions playing on her laptop and printing things and getting ready for her child clients.
• 11:57
  She didn't like it if we didn't talk, but she also didn't help us talk. So we never really figured it out, and it was just kind of a bad match. The one who's a mother and a wife, I wish I could just say their names. I'm working on it. I'll try and ask permission.
• 12:14
  I mean, I have asked permission, but they're not ready yet. But it would be easier even if they don't wanna be in the podcast if I could at least say their names. But, anyway, the one that's the wife and mother, she tried for that long to work with the Sand Tree lady because she at least knew about grief and trauma, which is why she thought she was going because her parents died. But they weren't even her parents, and she still doesn't understand that. And the therapy was terrible, so we finally left.
• 12:44
  Now we have a really good t who has lots of experience with DID, and she's amazing. I wish I could explain. Maybe some of you know what it's like to have really bad therapists or go through really bad therapy or wait so long to find a good one, and we're so grateful we finally found this one. But she's four hours away, and so every Monday, we get up at, like, four in the morning and drive four hours to be there by 10:00, and then we see her for two hours and come home that afternoon. It's exhausting, but if any of you have had that same search for trying to find a good therapist, you know why it matters and why it's worth it and why we still go.
• 13:31
  That's a little bit of our background. I guess we are to the point now where Emma knows that we have DID and the husband knows that we have DID, and they both kind of understand what it means, but only like in a reading a worksheet on a page kind of understanding, not in a they get me or understand what it's like to be me. That's another reason I wanted to do the podcast. Anyway, so that's a start, my first effort. We'll see how it goes, but I would like to keep talking.
• 14:01
  What do you think? Is it helpful at all? Is there anything specific we should talk about? Mostly, I just wanna share as things unfold to kinda record our journey, because maybe it's more helpful if she can listen, and maybe it's more helpful if someone like me who really needs those videos that are amazing out there but can't always have wireless or always have, like, time to sit and watch videos. And so someone else like me maybe needs podcasts too.
• 14:28
  So we'll put it out there and see. But don't be haters, guys, because we don't wanna upset Taylor. Thank you for listening. Your support really helps us feel less alone while we sort through all of this and learn together.