Latest / The Dr. Sarah Hensley Show / Episode 15, Season 1: How Poor Self Image is Affecting Your Relationships

Transcript

Episode 15, Season 1: How Poor Self Image is Affecting Your Relationships · The Dr. Sarah Hensley Show

• 0:08
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the Love Dog Podcast. I am your co
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: host Raina Butcher here with our host doctor Hensley.
• 0:14
  Speaker 2: Hi.
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: Hi, today's episode episode fifteen. I feel like we always
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: hit like these pivotal episodes and I'm like, wow, I
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: can't believe we're already here today and we have and
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: we love doing this. That's so much fun.
• 0:28
  Speaker 2: It's my favorite part of the week.
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: I know mine too. I love coming here and really
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: just like it's because it's just like sitting here talking
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: to my best friend. I know, it's awesome about about
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: really really interesting.
• 0:39
  Speaker 2: Stuff and important.
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: Yes, like we get deep. We're not just surface level
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: friends not here, and this is not just a surface
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: level podcast.
• 0:50
  Speaker 2: Deep.
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: We go deep right now. In this episode, episode fifteen,
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: we are going to talk about self image and how
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: it affects our relationships. Yes, this is a big one.
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: This is a big one for me me too, because
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: you know, we talk about this a lot, you and
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: me specifically, and like you know, our own body dysphoria
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: and you know, all these things specifically, you know, being
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: on camera and then going back and watching and being
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: like what I thought it was good that day, and
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: like we're like picking out everything. Yeah, like picking out
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: every single flaw, and you know, it's there's this part
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: of me that when I do that, I feel shame
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: because I'm like, wait, I know I know myself well
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: enough where you know, I'm forty one years old. My
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: husband tells me all the time, He's like, do you
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: know the amount of forty one year old woman's who
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: would love to look like you?
• 1:42
  Speaker 2: Yeah?
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: You know, And so I feel selfish sometimes when I'm
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: like yeah, and like IM like I hate on myself
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: because it's like, you know, I mean, it's it's nothing, sir. Yeah,
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: And then it gets you know, it gets embedded in
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: your subconscious and then the things that you say or
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: the way that you're you will exhibit and you know,
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: present yourself to the world.
• 2:06
  Speaker 2: Right. Absolutely, And man, I've learned a lot in this
• 2:10
  Speaker 2: journey growing as much as I have and becoming as
• 2:13
  Speaker 2: high profile as right. I mean, I'm not like, not
• 2:16
  Speaker 2: the most high profile person.
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: I'm not like half a dozen times.
• 2:20
  Speaker 2: Oh wait more than minute.
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: Really. Yeah, I don't know what viral is.
• 2:23
  Speaker 2: I consider viral over a million views Okay, okay, so
• 2:28
  Speaker 2: probably twenty five thirty times. Yeah, I've had over a
• 2:31
  Speaker 2: million views. That one my most viral video I think
• 2:34
  Speaker 2: was like thirty million views and when it got posted
• 2:36
  Speaker 2: to Twitter.
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that was the one. Why Why why don't have
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: sex with her?
• 2:41
  Speaker 2: Yeah? That one? Yeah, that was majorly viral. That one
• 2:44
  Speaker 2: landed me in USA today. Yeah, but you get a
• 2:49
  Speaker 2: lot of feedback, right, Like, I don't.
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: Know how many times true, Well, I.
• 2:54
  Speaker 2: Don't know how many times someone said you need a
• 2:56
  Speaker 2: nose job. Okay, my nose isn't my best feature. It's
• 2:58
  Speaker 2: not something I love about my self. But hey, I
• 3:00
  Speaker 2: already know that, and thanks for pointing it out right.
• 3:07
  Speaker 2: But here's again, what I know about that person is
• 3:11
  Speaker 2: that they feel so bad about themselves that they are
• 3:14
  Speaker 2: seeking superiority to try to feel safe. Something that I
• 3:17
  Speaker 2: did or said triggered something in them that they didn't like,
• 3:22
  Speaker 2: and the way that they respond is to put me
• 3:25
  Speaker 2: in what they view as a lower position by saying
• 3:29
  Speaker 2: something negative about my appearance in order to feel safe,
• 3:34
  Speaker 2: in order to soothe what I triggered inside of them.
• 3:37
  Speaker 2: So it doesn't bother me. Listen, people hating on me
• 3:39
  Speaker 2: doesn't bother me. People threatening bothers me. And I actually
• 3:43
  Speaker 2: had this experience on TikTok.
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: Yeah, recently, yeah.
• 3:50
  Speaker 2: And I do believe in controlling what's on your page.
• 3:53
  Speaker 2: So if there's a comment left and it's clearly something
• 3:57
  Speaker 2: deranged and unhinged or very toxic, I'll remove it. Yeah,
• 4:03
  Speaker 2: not because I can't take feedback. There's lots of good
• 4:06
  Speaker 2: feedback and disagreements and comments on my videos, and I'll
• 4:09
  Speaker 2: leave those there because those spart good discussion. Those make
• 4:12
  Speaker 2: you smarter. But if somebody's like you're stupid and ugly, yeah, it's.
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: Like, come on, come up with something right or yeah,
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: I mean yeah.
• 4:20
  Speaker 2: I don't like, I don't feel the need to keep that.
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: Yeah, even some comments that I read, like if it's
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: a justifiable like like I was reading some of your
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: YouTube comments last night, and like one of the comments
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: was like this was really great information. I would have
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: loved it if it was like condensed down until like
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: you know, a ninety second video versus like a six
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: minute video or whatever. I'm like, you know, and I
• 4:41
  Speaker 1: responded like, hey, thanks so much for that feedback. Let
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: me let me matter how I do that. Yeah, that's
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: a that's legitimate feedback, and like that's really listening to
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: your community even when everything is not positive. That's right,
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: I'm just saying, like just just saying that you're ugly
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: and need a those jobs, like come on, right.
• 5:00
  Speaker 2: But I think that I would be lying if I
• 5:04
  Speaker 2: said there wasn't some humanity like human level. I guess
• 5:11
  Speaker 2: need to have people be approving of my appearance. I'm
• 5:17
  Speaker 2: on camera all the time, sure, right, And I think
• 5:20
  Speaker 2: that comes again from an evolutionary space where it's like
• 5:24
  Speaker 2: people that are in with the trends are more accepted.
• 5:28
  Speaker 2: If you're more accepted by the group, then you you're
• 5:30
  Speaker 2: better in a chance of vibing.
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: Science say that if you people who are pretty are
• 5:37
  Speaker 1: also viewed as smarter.
• 5:38
  Speaker 2: They're viewed as smarter, they're viewed as more credible. And
• 5:43
  Speaker 2: I know that that's actual social psychology. I took a
• 5:46
  Speaker 2: social influence class and I read a book by Robert Sheldini.
• 5:53
  Speaker 2: It's spelled weird. It's like C I A L D
• 5:57
  Speaker 2: I and I maybe it's not sah would Chaldini is
• 6:03
  Speaker 2: how it's pronounced. And his book on the Weapons of Influence.
• 6:08
  Speaker 2: So this book was all about how do you influence
• 6:10
  Speaker 2: other people? And this class was how do you influence
• 6:13
  Speaker 2: other people? Including the science of manipulation, which I don't teach.
• 6:18
  Speaker 2: I do not teach manipulation because I fundamentally morally disagree
• 6:22
  Speaker 2: with that. But it's out there. And so when we
• 6:26
  Speaker 2: look at people like Hitler, like how did he get
• 6:29
  Speaker 2: all these people to follow? I just watched a World
• 6:32
  Speaker 2: War two documentary too, so like how did he get
• 6:34
  Speaker 2: all these people to do these atrocities? Right? How did
• 6:36
  Speaker 2: he commit all these horrible crimes against humanity? How did
• 6:39
  Speaker 2: he get people to follow him? He's using the weapons
• 6:42
  Speaker 2: of influence? Ye, right, manipulation, Yeah, he was using a
• 6:46
  Speaker 2: lot of manipulation. And I don't agree with that, but
• 6:51
  Speaker 2: I would be lying if I said that. Also, there's
• 6:54
  Speaker 2: not some of that that I try to use to
• 6:56
  Speaker 2: my advantage, do I I don't be totally off. Do
• 7:00
  Speaker 2: I get fillers? Do I get botox? Yeah?
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: Yeah I do?
• 7:04
  Speaker 2: I highlight my hair, yes, yeah, I've never tried to
• 7:06
  Speaker 2: do I work out, yes.
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I've never tried to deny those sorts of things. Yeah,
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: you know, and I don't believe in denying those things.
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: So it's like if somebody's ever asked like, do you
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: get botox? Do you get filler? I'm like yeah, and
• 7:22
  Speaker 1: you know what, and you can take it from you
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: do you? Yeah, you will take it do whatever.
• 7:27
  Speaker 2: I mean.
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: This is a discussion that two of my girlfriends and
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: I were just having this past weekend because one of
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: them was like, I'm going to age gracefully and I'm
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: just and I'm like, yeah, I'm like that's awesome.
• 7:37
  Speaker 2: I want to age backwards.
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm going to Benjamin button this situation here.
• 7:43
  Speaker 2: That's right? And why is that? I mean, my philosophy
• 7:47
  Speaker 2: is if you look good, you play good. If you
• 7:51
  Speaker 2: play good, you get paid good. Yeah, that is honestly,
• 7:55
  Speaker 2: I think that that's I don't know. I don't want
• 7:57
  Speaker 2: to claim it was Deone Sanders, but I think it
• 7:58
  Speaker 2: was Deon Sanders that said that. Yeah, And I was like,
• 8:00
  Speaker 2: I like that, you know, because I do like looking good. Yeah,
• 8:05
  Speaker 2: I do. Like it does make you feel.
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: For yourself too, because sometimes, you know, I have to
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: get on Josh sometimes because this is something he'll do.
• 8:12
  Speaker 1: Like yesterday, I was leaving for my workout and I
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: hadn't had my face on all day, Like I was
• 8:17
  Speaker 1: just working at my computer. I work from home, so
• 8:19
  Speaker 1: you know, I'll put on like my son's green tent
• 8:22
  Speaker 1: and like a little bit of mask here and maybe
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: a little blush before I go to my workout and
• 8:25
  Speaker 1: he's like, there are like some hot god that's teaching
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: this class or something, and I'm like, no, maybe I
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: just don't want to walk out of the house without
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: some you know, little umph, you know, some little like
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: spark here, you know, where I don't look like I
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: just woke up. And you know sometimes that I feel
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: like men can get a little touchy when they're like,
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: what are you doing this for? You know, like, why
• 8:49
  Speaker 1: do you feel like? I mean, this is something that
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: Josh and I talk about a lot because and I
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: talk about it too, Yeah, why do you feel like
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: you need to do this?
• 8:56
  Speaker 2: Begged me not to get lip filler? Yeah, he begged me,
• 8:58
  Speaker 2: and I get it, joshould I get it? And I
• 9:02
  Speaker 2: promised them. I was like, it's gonna be just a
• 9:04
  Speaker 2: tad and it was just it was just a little
• 9:06
  Speaker 2: bit like I don't want of these big, overfilled lips.
• 9:09
  Speaker 2: And I think a lot of men are going why
• 9:11
  Speaker 2: are women doing this? Why are women doing this? But
• 9:14
  Speaker 2: you know what, I also know I saw this TikTok okay,
• 9:17
  Speaker 2: and this explains it so freaking perfectly. This girl goes
• 9:22
  Speaker 2: I think men are insanely oblivious to what it takes
• 9:27
  Speaker 2: to look like this. I had a man come up
• 9:29
  Speaker 2: to me and go, you're just such a natural beauty.
• 9:32
  Speaker 2: You are, so you just really don't see as much
• 9:35
  Speaker 2: natural beauty these days, and you are just gorgeous, And
• 9:39
  Speaker 2: she goes, I think any female on this planet would
• 9:41
  Speaker 2: look at me and know exactly how much it costs
• 9:43
  Speaker 2: to look like this. She's like, my hair is extensions,
• 9:46
  Speaker 2: it's fake. It cost fourteen hundred dollars, my jawline. I
• 9:50
  Speaker 2: spent ten thousand dollars on my eyelashes, fake botox, fake
• 9:55
  Speaker 2: filler in my lips like yes, like nails, fakeke. And
• 10:00
  Speaker 2: so men are now adapting their standards to this new
• 10:06
  Speaker 2: beauty standard with all of these things that we have. Right,
• 10:09
  Speaker 2: So then you have your average, say forty something, your
• 10:12
  Speaker 2: old woman that can't afford to do the botox and
• 10:16
  Speaker 2: the filler.
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: And you're still You're still beautiful, right, But.
• 10:21
  Speaker 2: Then I think, but then I think it's hurting their
• 10:25
  Speaker 2: self image because we are doing these things. And then
• 10:28
  Speaker 2: that can to bring it back to how does this
• 10:30
  Speaker 2: show up in your relationship? Well, one, your partner can
• 10:33
  Speaker 2: definitely disagree with what you're doing to yourself. And I
• 10:37
  Speaker 2: know my husband did a little bit. He's adapted because
• 10:40
  Speaker 2: he's like, listen, as I've gotten bigger and bigger and bigger,
• 10:44
  Speaker 2: He's like, I recognize that, Like your face is your authority,
• 10:49
  Speaker 2: right and so but there's a balance with I want
• 10:52
  Speaker 2: to I don't want to look weird. I want to
• 10:53
  Speaker 2: look natural. I want to keep my features. You know,
• 10:56
  Speaker 2: I'm not going to like do extensive surgery or anything.
• 11:00
  Speaker 2: But then two, I feel sexier right I lost thirty
• 11:05
  Speaker 2: five pounds that you know, and I feel sexier right now,
• 11:09
  Speaker 2: and it definitely shows up in my relationship that I
• 11:14
  Speaker 2: feel in my body better than I did before. And
• 11:19
  Speaker 2: is that maybe still some of my journey of self
• 11:23
  Speaker 2: acceptance that I need to go through, maybe a little bit.
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: But you but I acknowledge that, right. So it's like
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: I can say, well, I do this, and I do that,
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: and I do all these things, but I also acknowledge
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: like even maybe the reason why I do it. So, yeah,
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: you know a lot of you know, I grew up
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: I was a pageant girl. You know, I grew up
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: in that limelight of what that was at that time,
• 11:50
  Speaker 1: where it wasn't just about beauty. It was about other things.
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: It was about talent, it was about smarts, it was
• 11:56
  Speaker 1: about all those things. But the majority of it was
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: you know, what does your face look like?
• 12:02
  Speaker 2: And what is your And you wont like a title?
• 12:04
  Speaker 2: Yeah yeah, yeah, you won like a pretty big title.
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: I won Miss Kentucky National Teenager nineteen ninety nine and
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: I went on to National. Yeah, I went on to
• 12:11
  Speaker 1: Nationals and got third runner up, So you know, and
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: I mean listen, when I went to Nationals, these these
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: girls were so beautifully well rounded. I mean, they were
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: talented and they were smart. And because America's National Teenager
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: is a entity of Miss America and Miss America, really
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: it's like all the things, right, it's talent, it's smart,
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: so it's all the things. But still there's this image
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: that as I get older and as I get as
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: I age, there's this image that I kind of want
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: to maintain. And this is what I try to explain
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: to Josh. It's like, it's not for anyone. It's for me,
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: and I know maybe why I do it, but it's
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: still not for anyone else.
• 13:00
  Speaker 2: No, it's really not. And I think that that's it's
• 13:05
  Speaker 2: there's a line there it's a thin line to teeter.
• 13:08
  Speaker 2: It is because yeah, am I also doing it for
• 13:12
  Speaker 2: everybody that looks at my social media? Yeah, there's there's
• 13:15
  Speaker 2: there's an element of that because I do want to
• 13:18
  Speaker 2: stay competitive. I see who else is in this space,
• 13:21
  Speaker 2: and they're gorgeous, you know. And and social psychological science
• 13:27
  Speaker 2: has shown that people who are prettier are viewed as
• 13:30
  Speaker 2: more credible, more have more authority, all of those things.
• 13:34
  Speaker 2: So do I know that going in, Yes, But I
• 13:37
  Speaker 2: I have to walk that fine line of like I
• 13:39
  Speaker 2: can't let things influence my mental health. Yeah right, I
• 13:42
  Speaker 2: can't pick myself apart.
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: And that's what we have each other for. I feel like,
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: because this is something that and sometimes we check each
• 13:49
  Speaker 1: other and sometimes we don't. Sometimes we just like revel
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: in it. We're like, yeah, I don't know, why are
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: we like this? And you know, like today we were
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: even talking about it this morning about like, you know,
• 13:58
  Speaker 1: just body dysphoria and dysmorphia, dysmorphia and and like I've
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: had both ways right where I can look at myself
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: and be like, oh, wow, look really good, and then
• 14:11
  Speaker 1: like maybe see a video or see a picture, I'm
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: like wow, I don't look that great. Or I can think,
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: oh my gosh, it looks so terrible, and then I
• 14:20
  Speaker 1: can look at a picture and be like, oh, they
• 14:21
  Speaker 1: all look pretty.
• 14:22
  Speaker 2: Good, you know. So yeah, it definitely fluctuates. And I
• 14:26
  Speaker 2: really want to make this relevant for men too, because
• 14:30
  Speaker 2: my husband called me out.
• 14:31
  Speaker 1: He called me out.
• 14:32
  Speaker 2: I said, you don't understand the pressures of women in
• 14:36
  Speaker 2: society to be beautiful, and he's like, bys yeah, yeah,
• 14:42
  Speaker 2: He's like, men feel it too good for him, Men
• 14:45
  Speaker 2: feel it too absolutely. We there, you know, we know
• 14:50
  Speaker 2: that women are looking at us and judging our physical appearance.
• 14:54
  Speaker 2: We want to attract the opposite sex. We you know,
• 14:57
  Speaker 2: we want to have you know, he's a he lives
• 14:59
  Speaker 2: w and he's muscular, and man, he's ripped right now
• 15:02
  Speaker 2: and it's sexy.
• 15:03
  Speaker 1: Yeah, baby, you're.
• 15:04
  Speaker 2: So sexy right now. You've always been sexy. But interestingly enough,
• 15:12
  Speaker 2: the thing, the terrible thing, the big terrible thing, that
• 15:15
  Speaker 2: of somebody who tried to hurt us that I've talked
• 15:16
  Speaker 2: about in a few episodes. The way he channeled a
• 15:19
  Speaker 2: lot of his anger was like getting in the weight
• 15:22
  Speaker 2: room and like really pushing hard.
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and man, I meanwhile, I out of ed shout
• 15:27
  Speaker 1: on the couch.
• 15:27
  Speaker 2: That's what I did, right. I exercised way less. He
• 15:31
  Speaker 2: went to the gym way more because he's always been
• 15:34
  Speaker 2: into weightlifting, but it's fluctuated and buried during different stages
• 15:37
  Speaker 2: of his life. But he's like, you don't understand, Like
• 15:40
  Speaker 2: I see my love handles. I don't love that. I'm
• 15:43
  Speaker 2: losing a little bit of hair on top. I don't
• 15:44
  Speaker 2: love that. You know, like men have their own insecurities too,
• 15:48
  Speaker 2: and even worse, men are not just judged based on appearance.
• 15:52
  Speaker 2: We're judged on what we provide to everybody. Men are
• 15:55
  Speaker 2: seen based on what they can provide. And there's so
• 15:58
  Speaker 2: much of that that actually is true.
• 16:00
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and I think it kind of it almost makes
• 16:02
  Speaker 1: it harder or worse because it's not as acknowledged, right,
• 16:06
  Speaker 1: it's not. And you know, I can even attest to
• 16:08
  Speaker 1: this because I have a teenage son and you know,
• 16:13
  Speaker 1: his his own self body issues and self image issues.
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: You know, he's always really struggled with confidence. I think
• 16:21
  Speaker 1: when it came to his looks because he was smaller
• 16:26
  Speaker 1: in stature than everyone else. He wore really really thick
• 16:30
  Speaker 1: glasses from you know, the time he was two years
• 16:33
  Speaker 1: on and on he had you know, really bad acne.
• 16:38
  Speaker 1: So like John Paul now that he's just shy of
• 16:41
  Speaker 1: his eighteenth birthday, Like he's just now.
• 16:45
  Speaker 2: Like he's a handsome day.
• 16:46
  Speaker 1: Yeah, Like he's just sort of now. And I he
• 16:49
  Speaker 1: he's never come to me and said anything about it,
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: but I know it by just watching his evolution of
• 16:57
  Speaker 1: like his confidence and how it's changed. A lot of
• 17:00
  Speaker 1: that had to do with the Junior RTC and being
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: able to be so successful there. But I think a
• 17:06
  Speaker 1: lot of his you know, issues were self image based
• 17:09
  Speaker 1: as well, you know, where he just really struggled with like,
• 17:11
  Speaker 1: oh my gosh, I have really big glasses, embraces and
• 17:13
  Speaker 1: act me you know, and like, but guys, it's never
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: good to speak in high school.
• 17:19
  Speaker 2: Okay, Yeah, don't speak in high school. Trust me on
• 17:23
  Speaker 2: that one.
• 17:23
  Speaker 1: Yeah, don't speak in high school.
• 17:25
  Speaker 2: And I think a couple other issues that are really
• 17:28
  Speaker 2: ignored for men are they're victims of abuse too. Yeah,
• 17:34
  Speaker 2: my husband was terribly abused, Yeah, in one of his
• 17:37
  Speaker 2: past marriages. I won't say which one. Horribly horribly abused,
• 17:43
  Speaker 2: and it's they actually face I think different issues that
• 17:52
  Speaker 2: women don't considering. Women get really angry when we bring
• 17:55
  Speaker 2: them up. Yeah, women, you know, I'm gonna get so
• 17:58
  Speaker 2: much black for this should I even say it? Women
• 18:01
  Speaker 2: act like we are the only victims. Yeah, we're the
• 18:05
  Speaker 2: only ones victimized. Guys, know we're not. Men are victimized
• 18:08
  Speaker 2: by women all the time. I see men in my
• 18:10
  Speaker 2: practice who have been horribly emotionally and physically abused.
• 18:14
  Speaker 1: Listen, I after all the crap, all the stuff that
• 18:20
  Speaker 1: I can't even name right that my ex did to me,
• 18:23
  Speaker 1: I can still sit here and take accountability that I
• 18:25
  Speaker 1: victimized him too. Yeah, they did a lot of things.
• 18:28
  Speaker 1: We did a lot of things that were bad and
• 18:30
  Speaker 1: like just really just so toxic and unhealthy, you know.
• 18:35
  Speaker 1: And that and I know that that now he's I
• 18:39
  Speaker 1: take my accountability for my part, just he needs to
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: take some for him.
• 18:44
  Speaker 2: Good luck. We'll be waiting a long time, you know.
• 18:50
  Speaker 2: And so then what ends up happening, especially if it's
• 18:53
  Speaker 2: like a domestic violence situation, right, they're getting hit, kicked, punched,
• 18:58
  Speaker 2: hair pulled, beat up. But because they are probably the
• 19:02
  Speaker 2: physically superior one, if they do anything to defend themselves,
• 19:09
  Speaker 2: they're looking at jail time. They're looking at potential felony charge,
• 19:12
  Speaker 2: which even means just pulling someone off of you can
• 19:16
  Speaker 2: be viewed that because guess what if she goes and
• 19:20
  Speaker 2: turns and calls the cops, guess who the cops is
• 19:22
  Speaker 2: gonna cops are gonna arrest. Do you think they're gonnaarrest her?
• 19:25
  Speaker 1: No?
• 19:25
  Speaker 2: No, no they're not. They're absolutely not, because they're gonna
• 19:28
  Speaker 2: look at a six to one buff guy like my
• 19:31
  Speaker 2: husband and be like you could, you could demolish her, right,
• 19:37
  Speaker 2: And so you know, of course, my husband is extremely
• 19:40
  Speaker 2: anti domestic violence. I mean he's like he teaches his son,
• 19:44
  Speaker 2: I mean his you know, our kids. His his son
• 19:47
  Speaker 2: is six, My little girl seven. There's been times where
• 19:50
  Speaker 2: he's knocked her over, you know, because they're little. They're
• 19:55
  Speaker 2: little kids, right. And the first thing Donald come and say,
• 19:58
  Speaker 2: you never put your hands on a woman. I don't
• 20:00
  Speaker 2: care what they do. You come to me, you talk
• 20:02
  Speaker 2: to me about it. We'll take care of it. We're
• 20:03
  Speaker 2: here to protect you. You're not going to take matters
• 20:05
  Speaker 2: into your own hands and ever put your hands on
• 20:07
  Speaker 2: a woman. And I appreciate that as someone who has
• 20:10
  Speaker 2: been a victim of domestic violence, like serious physical abuse,
• 20:13
  Speaker 2: I appreciate that, but I also know his pain of
• 20:19
  Speaker 2: what he's endured as well, and that society is never
• 20:22
  Speaker 2: going to acknowledge that for him.
• 20:24
  Speaker 1: And you know, and that abuse and the pain that
• 20:26
  Speaker 1: comes from that abuse really affects somebody's self worth. Yeah,
• 20:30
  Speaker 1: this isn't just about self image. This is about self worth.
• 20:32
  Speaker 2: Yes. So self image is how do you believe other
• 20:35
  Speaker 2: people see you? That's really what self image is, right, Like,
• 20:38
  Speaker 2: how do I think that other people are seeing you
• 20:40
  Speaker 2: or judging me? Then we have self esteem, which is
• 20:42
  Speaker 2: how do I feel about myself? And then we have
• 20:45
  Speaker 2: our self concept with which is who am I? And
• 20:48
  Speaker 2: so many people with insecure attachments, their self concept is shame.
• 20:53
  Speaker 2: It's who am I? Shameful?
• 20:56
  Speaker 1: Man?
• 20:57
  Speaker 2: Doesn't that hit hard?
• 20:58
  Speaker 1: It does? It really does mean and not just and
• 21:00
  Speaker 1: we were talking about this on the way here, but
• 21:02
  Speaker 1: we were talking about, you know, the the idea of
• 21:05
  Speaker 1: the good girl what did you call it?
• 21:07
  Speaker 2: Good girl syndrome?
• 21:08
  Speaker 1: Good girl syndrome where he definitely grew up with that, Yeah,
• 21:11
  Speaker 1: and so did. I mean, I was a preacher's daughter, right,
• 21:14
  Speaker 1: so there was everything was shameful.
• 21:17
  Speaker 2: Everything was sex.
• 21:20
  Speaker 1: Alcohol, I mean, alcohol is shameful.
• 21:24
  Speaker 2: Degree some degree responsibility.
• 21:26
  Speaker 1: Yeah, but especially you know, sex, and I can you know,
• 21:31
  Speaker 1: I can think about how and this relates back to
• 21:36
  Speaker 1: the topic because you know, I can remember when my
• 21:39
  Speaker 1: mom found out I was sexually active, and how it
• 21:42
  Speaker 1: was this huge emotional blow up, like it was like
• 21:44
  Speaker 1: the end of.
• 21:45
  Speaker 2: The world, like you had committed the most immortal sin.
• 21:48
  Speaker 1: Right, And I'm just like, you know, and this is
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: one thing that I've really tried to express to John
• 21:55
  Speaker 1: Paul as he's become sexually active, you know, and he
• 21:58
  Speaker 1: has a serious girlfriend, is that sex is not shameful.
• 22:02
  Speaker 1: Sex is normal, and as human beings, we yearn for
• 22:07
  Speaker 1: that connection and yearn for that intimacy. What's important is
• 22:12
  Speaker 1: that it's with the right person, right, And like we
• 22:17
  Speaker 1: were talking about on the way here, is that shame
• 22:20
  Speaker 1: that was created in my household around sex. I actually
• 22:24
  Speaker 1: would do the did the opposite of good girls syndrome.
• 22:28
  Speaker 1: It made me want to be worse. Yeah, it made
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: me want to really live by that stereotypical Oh she's
• 22:34
  Speaker 1: a preacher's kid. Yeah she's bad, you know, And it's
• 22:39
  Speaker 1: really affected me, you know, with self worth, because I
• 22:45
  Speaker 1: carry so much shame around the things that I chose
• 22:48
  Speaker 1: to do.
• 22:50
  Speaker 2: Well, you were validating your own shame, right, is what
• 22:52
  Speaker 2: you were doing? Right? You didn't realize that you were
• 22:54
  Speaker 2: doing that, Yeah, you were like Okay, inside I feel shameful,
• 22:57
  Speaker 2: and I've got to validate that, right, I've got to
• 22:59
  Speaker 2: validate who I am? Who am I that self concept
• 23:02
  Speaker 2: shame and I don't remember who it was, who this
• 23:06
  Speaker 2: woman was. I wish I should long hair, red hair,
• 23:09
  Speaker 2: really pretty big. Following she made a TikTok the other day.
• 23:13
  Speaker 2: I think she's a psychologist, but she said everybody that
• 23:16
  Speaker 2: comes from a dysfunctional family has a core self concept
• 23:19
  Speaker 2: of shame, and I agreed with her. I agree with
• 23:21
  Speaker 2: her on that if you come from dysfunction, if you
• 23:24
  Speaker 2: have attachment insecurities, your self concept is probably shame shame based,
• 23:28
  Speaker 2: and shame is the most dysregulating thing to the nervous system,
• 23:31
  Speaker 2: and so so much of nervous system regulation is about
• 23:35
  Speaker 2: ridding yourself of shame. I'm learning so much about that
• 23:38
  Speaker 2: from Dana. I knew some of it, but she takes
• 23:42
  Speaker 2: it to a whole nother level. And that's again where
• 23:44
  Speaker 2: it's like, if you think you know everything in this world,
• 23:46
  Speaker 2: your area, and you need to go away learning right,
• 23:49
  Speaker 2: I'm still learning, right, there's things that I've I followed
• 23:52
  Speaker 2: tons of people that, of course I want to make
• 23:54
  Speaker 2: sure they're credible, but if they can point me to
• 23:58
  Speaker 2: some science and I've not heard of that before, I'm
• 24:00
  Speaker 2: gonna go digging. Yeah, that's one of my favorite things
• 24:02
  Speaker 2: to do, is you know me, I'll go down a
• 24:04
  Speaker 2: rabbit hole.
• 24:04
  Speaker 1: I don't know what you were telling. You were talking
• 24:06
  Speaker 1: about something the other day and I'm like, oh, I'm
• 24:09
  Speaker 1: so glad that my best friends are a researcher, because
• 24:13
  Speaker 1: it doesn't matter what the topic is.
• 24:15
  Speaker 2: It was our skin.
• 24:16
  Speaker 1: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, because I was dealing with
• 24:18
  Speaker 1: some of the pery oral dermatitis and you were like,
• 24:22
  Speaker 1: oh girl, I went down this rabbit hole. Here's what
• 24:24
  Speaker 1: you need. I mean, it really has already. I feel
• 24:29
  Speaker 1: like made a drastic difference in your skin because my skin,
• 24:33
  Speaker 1: my skin be Craig Ray.
• 24:34
  Speaker 2: Yeah, mine too. Well, that's how I learned it, right,
• 24:36
  Speaker 2: and so much what I in my journey. Yes, as
• 24:40
  Speaker 2: from a scientific perspective, I think relationships are very interesting.
• 24:46
  Speaker 2: But why did I become interested in relationships in the
• 24:49
  Speaker 2: first place? Because my relationships had always been so painful
• 24:55
  Speaker 2: and I was like why, yeah, why do other people
• 24:59
  Speaker 2: find these people and have happily ever after? And I'm
• 25:04
  Speaker 2: with dumpster fire after dumpster fire, you know what is
• 25:08
  Speaker 2: going on with me? And through my spiritual journey, my
• 25:12
  Speaker 2: faith based journey, I learned so much. That's why I said,
• 25:14
  Speaker 2: this is an unloving spirit. And we you know when
• 25:17
  Speaker 2: we criticize ourselves, because it truly is of the demonic.
• 25:21
  Speaker 2: Because Christ's three commandments were love God, love others as yourself,
• 25:28
  Speaker 2: and we really need to understand what that means. Love
• 25:30
  Speaker 2: others as yourself. Each means you need to view others
• 25:35
  Speaker 2: as yourself, as we are all one connected coming from God. Right.
• 25:40
  Speaker 2: If you don't love yourself, you can't love other people.
• 25:46
  Speaker 2: The way that you treat yourself is sort of your
• 25:49
  Speaker 2: baseline for how you will then go on to treat
• 25:53
  Speaker 2: other people.
• 25:54
  Speaker 1: This this episode is so important because the way that
• 25:57
  Speaker 1: that shows up in your relationships, not just on an
• 26:00
  Speaker 1: sexual level, yeah, but the way that you show up
• 26:03
  Speaker 1: to love your partner.
• 26:05
  Speaker 2: I had crippling perfectionism and guess what that perfectionism did.
• 26:10
  Speaker 2: It made me have crippling high standards for other people too, right,
• 26:15
  Speaker 2: And I am when I learned to give myself so
• 26:19
  Speaker 2: much more compassion and empathy. I mean, if I made
• 26:21
  Speaker 2: a mistake, especially at work, I would beat myself up
• 26:24
  Speaker 2: for a week a week like how could I have
• 26:28
  Speaker 2: dropped the ball on that? How could I have missed that?
• 26:30
  Speaker 2: I remember something crazy. I was working with an Excel
• 26:33
  Speaker 2: document and like I accidentally cut off the last line
• 26:36
  Speaker 2: of the spreadsheet. I was like cobbying and pasting a
• 26:37
  Speaker 2: bunch of stuff. Because I was director of a clinical
• 26:40
  Speaker 2: psychology program, it was like scheduling all of the whole
• 26:44
  Speaker 2: department's courses and what was going to be offered, and
• 26:47
  Speaker 2: who was going to be in what course, who was
• 26:48
  Speaker 2: taking what course? And you know, of course you I
• 26:49
  Speaker 2: have to give that to the higher ups. And I
• 26:52
  Speaker 2: cut off the last line of the spreadsheet, and one
• 26:55
  Speaker 2: person there was like a class that didn't end up
• 26:58
  Speaker 2: getting on the schedule, and I had to go back
• 27:00
  Speaker 2: and be like, oh gosh, we need to add just
• 27:01
  Speaker 2: to schedule on. Oh why this isn't showing up. I
• 27:03
  Speaker 2: cut off the last line of the spreadsheet. Do you know?
• 27:05
  Speaker 2: I ruminated about that for probably two weeks, I'm sure,
• 27:09
  Speaker 2: And I was in looking back on that, I'm like, right,
• 27:12
  Speaker 2: it was a simple human error. The people that looked
• 27:16
  Speaker 2: at that mistake went, oh, that's a simple human error. Okay,
• 27:18
  Speaker 2: we'll fix it. It was over in ten minutes, and
• 27:22
  Speaker 2: I beat myself up in the level of perfectionism that
• 27:25
  Speaker 2: I had was life ruining. And I am so, it's
• 27:29
  Speaker 2: not completely gone. Yeah it's not because you know how
• 27:32
  Speaker 2: I know it's not completely gone because sometimes I'm hit
• 27:35
  Speaker 2: with this overwhelming sense that I'm a failure. And my
• 27:38
  Speaker 2: husband will inevitably look at me when I tell him that,
• 27:41
  Speaker 2: and he will go, you are literally the farthest thing
• 27:44
  Speaker 2: from a I'm a failure that I could ever imagine.
• 27:47
  Speaker 1: Well, and he's like.
• 27:48
  Speaker 2: In literally every category of life, and I'm like.
• 27:51
  Speaker 1: Thank you, it's so true, so true. And here's where
• 27:53
  Speaker 1: I struggle with my own perfectionism. I never feel like
• 27:57
  Speaker 1: I'm doing enough. It does that, and you never feel
• 28:01
  Speaker 1: like I'm doing enough. I could spend and commit a
• 28:04
  Speaker 1: full day to all the things, you know, in terms
• 28:09
  Speaker 1: of the business and working you know, on the business,
• 28:12
  Speaker 1: and it's not enough. It's like, it's not enough.
• 28:15
  Speaker 2: Let me tell you how crazy this is, guys. She
• 28:18
  Speaker 2: took my Facebook from like eight hundred followers to like
• 28:22
  Speaker 2: twenty four thousand followers in a couple of weeks. She
• 28:24
  Speaker 2: took my Instagram that had like a thousand followers to like,
• 28:27
  Speaker 2: would I have forty fifty I haven't even looked.
• 28:29
  Speaker 1: Lately forty four thousand, okay.
• 28:30
  Speaker 2: Gone on fifty thousand followers in a few weeks. Okay,
• 28:34
  Speaker 2: since she's been.
• 28:35
  Speaker 1: I have almost hit Because when I came on, which
• 28:38
  Speaker 1: was in February.
• 28:40
  Speaker 2: TikTok was my only platform. Yeah, so all I knew
• 28:42
  Speaker 2: how to do and I wasn't comfortable.
• 28:44
  Speaker 1: And I need you to build these other platforms.
• 28:46
  Speaker 2: Now.
• 28:46
  Speaker 1: Of course I couldn't do it without you and your
• 28:48
  Speaker 1: brain and your face and your videos. But there's this
• 28:51
  Speaker 1: component of you know, making sure that I'm creating this
• 28:54
  Speaker 1: community on these other platforms, because it's all really about community.
• 28:58
  Speaker 1: It is like, how can you know? I mean, I
• 29:00
  Speaker 1: want you to be this resource for these people because
• 29:04
  Speaker 1: we're trying to spread you know, knowledge and love and healing.
• 29:09
  Speaker 2: Absolutely.
• 29:10
  Speaker 1: And so my goal coming in was I wanted we
• 29:13
  Speaker 1: started YouTube from scratch because she got hacked. So my
• 29:17
  Speaker 1: goal was five thousand on YouTube in six months. My
• 29:20
  Speaker 1: goal on Instagram was ten thousand and six months, and
• 29:23
  Speaker 1: my goal on Facebook was seventy five hundred in six months. Well,
• 29:27
  Speaker 1: August is six months, Has.
• 29:29
  Speaker 2: It really been six months?
• 29:30
  Speaker 1: Six months? No way? February, March, April, May, June, July, August, okay.
• 29:35
  Speaker 2: And so but really it's like once you hit a
• 29:39
  Speaker 2: certain threshold, then it grew rapid pace, and you had
• 29:42
  Speaker 2: to get it to that point where the rapid grows.
• 29:44
  Speaker 1: I just made sure that I was extremely consistent, and
• 29:46
  Speaker 1: I mean there's you know, and I did I did research, right,
• 29:49
  Speaker 1: I did research around the algorithms on each platform because
• 29:52
  Speaker 1: they're all different, you know, and you know, and I've
• 29:57
  Speaker 1: just stayed really consistent.
• 29:58
  Speaker 2: Now a lot of my clients are coming from instagt,
• 30:01
  Speaker 2: which I think.
• 30:01
  Speaker 1: A lot of from Facebook Exactly. I answer a lot
• 30:04
  Speaker 1: of messages and they're all.
• 30:06
  Speaker 2: Over right, And so I don't even know how we
• 30:10
  Speaker 2: ended up getting talking about either bring it back around,
• 30:13
  Speaker 2: bring it back around, you know, our own self image,
• 30:17
  Speaker 2: my crippling perfectionism.
• 30:18
  Speaker 1: That's what it is. Yeah, we're talking about that.
• 30:21
  Speaker 2: I just I beat myself up all the time. I
• 30:23
  Speaker 2: was a big ball of shame. I don't think there
• 30:25
  Speaker 2: was any part of my psyche that was not drowning
• 30:28
  Speaker 2: in shame before I did my work, and I think
• 30:32
  Speaker 2: shame is the thing I'm least unable to tolerate. Now.
• 30:35
  Speaker 2: Now I just won't. I can't participate in it. I
• 30:37
  Speaker 2: feel like it's the one try so hard to not
• 30:39
  Speaker 2: participate in it.
• 30:40
  Speaker 1: So the one thing that lingers with me.
• 30:42
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I understand, and it's a struggle. And so, but
• 30:47
  Speaker 2: you know what I know about emotional processing is you
• 30:50
  Speaker 2: also can't judge your emotion. Judging your emotion will just
• 30:53
  Speaker 2: disregulate you further because you're just basically shaming yourself for
• 30:57
  Speaker 2: having normal human experiences. And so like, if shame comes
• 31:00
  Speaker 2: up for me, I say, okay, well, shame says that
• 31:03
  Speaker 2: I am bad? Am I bad? I'm not bad. I'm
• 31:07
  Speaker 2: a genuinely good person, and I believe that to my core.
• 31:11
  Speaker 2: I know who I am at the end of the day.
• 31:13
  Speaker 2: I am a genuinely good, kind, loving person. Doesn't mean
• 31:17
  Speaker 2: I don't have fault flaws. I have flaws, I make mistakes,
• 31:19
  Speaker 2: but I refuse to say to say I'm bad and
• 31:25
  Speaker 2: I'm shame shameful. I'm not going to do that anymore.
• 31:29
  Speaker 2: And so if it comes up, I feel it and
• 31:31
  Speaker 2: I'm like, well, what's the signal value right, because that's
• 31:33
  Speaker 2: what emotions are for their signal value. And I'm like,
• 31:36
  Speaker 2: it's trying to signal that there's something not right, but
• 31:40
  Speaker 2: shame is probably not the right response to that. Acceptance
• 31:45
  Speaker 2: of myself is the right response, So I want to
• 31:47
  Speaker 2: shift over to that right. So it's and one thing
• 31:51
  Speaker 2: that that Dana says, gosh, I want her on my
• 31:53
  Speaker 2: podcast on my podcast learning to Regulate your Emotions, And
• 31:59
  Speaker 2: it's like I knew this, but she communicated and again
• 32:02
  Speaker 2: in such a way that just made a light bulb
• 32:04
  Speaker 2: go off for me. That processing your emotions and getting
• 32:08
  Speaker 2: rid of shame is about shifting in small ways and
• 32:11
  Speaker 2: in small spaces and really learning to work with nuance.
• 32:16
  Speaker 2: It's because if you go into trying to process big
• 32:19
  Speaker 2: emotions and you're like, I shouldn't be feeling ashamed. I
• 32:21
  Speaker 2: am a good person. I will not participate in shame,
• 32:25
  Speaker 2: and you are like no, and you're actually dysregulating yourself
• 32:30
  Speaker 2: by putting so much effort into like, no, I don't
• 32:34
  Speaker 2: feel that. But when you're like, hm, should I really
• 32:38
  Speaker 2: be feeling that? Is that really a valid way to feel?
• 32:40
  Speaker 2: And actually I don't want to participate in that. There's
• 32:43
  Speaker 2: not a lot of validity there. Really in this moment,
• 32:46
  Speaker 2: I feel it, I acknowledge it, I accept that it
• 32:48
  Speaker 2: is there, but I also am going to intentionally shift
• 32:51
  Speaker 2: into acceptance right now, right, And so it's like that
• 32:54
  Speaker 2: nuance shift. It's not this big hard pounding into yourself
• 32:58
  Speaker 2: that that's the wrong thing to feel, right, you're just
• 33:01
  Speaker 2: shaming yourself more, right, And so I try to talk
• 33:04
  Speaker 2: to my clients.
• 33:05
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that's where the fine line of like, you got
• 33:07
  Speaker 1: to teeter right in that right spot, because the nervous system.
• 33:10
  Speaker 2: Is just it's always taking an information. Always, it's always
• 33:15
  Speaker 2: taking an information. And what people don't understand about healing
• 33:20
  Speaker 2: and becoming secure is that it's it's so there's so
• 33:28
  Speaker 2: much going on under the surface that you don't have
• 33:33
  Speaker 2: access to, and you have to start accessing it. But
• 33:37
  Speaker 2: then you have to start working with it. You have
• 33:40
  Speaker 2: to start molding it and shaping it to be something different. Right,
• 33:44
  Speaker 2: you can't speak to your subconscious directly and go you
• 33:48
  Speaker 2: shouldn't feel that way, Yeah, and then it just magically
• 33:50
  Speaker 2: not you don't have to be perfect, Sarah, Do you
• 33:53
  Speaker 2: think that that's going to just magically get rid of
• 33:57
  Speaker 2: my perfectionism? It's not. The subconscious needs different experiences in
• 34:03
  Speaker 2: order to imprint something new. So if I have this wound,
• 34:08
  Speaker 2: that's like, if I'm not perfect, I'm not loved. Therefore
• 34:10
  Speaker 2: I'm not safe. And I just tell myself, you don't
• 34:15
  Speaker 2: have to be perfect. It's okay, that's going to be
• 34:18
  Speaker 2: a start to the shift, but it doesn't complete the shift.
• 34:23
  Speaker 2: Completing the shift is okay, I don't have to be perfect.
• 34:28
  Speaker 2: But let me sit with this discomfort of feeling imperfect
• 34:32
  Speaker 2: right now for a minute. And what is that trying
• 34:35
  Speaker 2: to tell me about the situation that maybe I'm not
• 34:38
  Speaker 2: catching onto that is not actually relevant to my own
• 34:42
  Speaker 2: level of perfection, but is actually relevant to other cues
• 34:46
  Speaker 2: or other things in this situation that I'm not paying
• 34:49
  Speaker 2: attention to, that I'm using my focus on my own
• 34:52
  Speaker 2: perfectionism to like mask So it's like, let me sit
• 34:57
  Speaker 2: with this level of imperfection, and okay, what is this
• 35:01
  Speaker 2: telling me. It's not telling me that I'm not perfect
• 35:03
  Speaker 2: and I should be ashamed of that, but it's telling
• 35:05
  Speaker 2: me that somebody else in this situation has actually crossed
• 35:08
  Speaker 2: a boundary, and I think I need to tighten up
• 35:10
  Speaker 2: my boundaries in this situation. So really, what I thought
• 35:14
  Speaker 2: was about, you know, oh, I need to fix my
• 35:17
  Speaker 2: own perfectionism. I was taking the wrong signal value from
• 35:20
  Speaker 2: that emotion, and I was making it about me and
• 35:24
  Speaker 2: what was wrong with me, and instead it was like
• 35:27
  Speaker 2: somebody else doing something that actually wasn't acceptable to me,
• 35:31
  Speaker 2: and then I should be shifting into the focus of
• 35:34
  Speaker 2: I do accept myself, I do love myself, and therefore
• 35:37
  Speaker 2: I'm not going to tolerate this behavior.
• 35:39
  Speaker 1: And that's where boundary setting is so important on a
• 35:42
  Speaker 1: level that not everybody fully understands based on the way
• 35:45
  Speaker 1: that you just described it, because it's not as easy
• 35:49
  Speaker 1: as just saying, Okay, well, I'm going to set this
• 35:51
  Speaker 1: boundary right. It's being able to acknowledge in those moments
• 35:54
  Speaker 1: that you just described that it's not always about you.
• 35:58
  Speaker 1: That's right, can be about the fact that, wow, maybe
• 36:02
  Speaker 1: I've let somebody take advantage of me for a little
• 36:04
  Speaker 1: too long and I didn't acknowledge how bad.
• 36:07
  Speaker 2: This feels to me, right, and then I'm and then
• 36:10
  Speaker 2: for merely wanting to stand up and say no, I'm
• 36:13
  Speaker 2: feeling shameful, y, I'm feeling not perfect, I'm feeling like
• 36:17
  Speaker 2: I can't do everything and be everything for everyone, so
• 36:23
  Speaker 2: and so. But when I was just focusing, like if
• 36:25
  Speaker 2: my healing, if I was if I was just focusing
• 36:29
  Speaker 2: my healing journey on, I don't want to feel like
• 36:31
  Speaker 2: I have to be perfect, And I'm just going to
• 36:33
  Speaker 2: consciously try to decide not to feel like I don't
• 36:35
  Speaker 2: have to be perfect. That wasn't going to be enough.
• 36:38
  Speaker 2: I didn't get the signal value from that emotion, because
• 36:41
  Speaker 2: emotions provide you signals, and there's so much going on
• 36:44
  Speaker 2: around you that is influencing your emotional experience on a
• 36:47
  Speaker 2: subconscious level. So you have to be very aware and
• 36:51
  Speaker 2: what we call have these metacognitive skills or this sort
• 36:54
  Speaker 2: of knowledge about what you don't you know and what
• 36:58
  Speaker 2: you don't know, and to really focus on your thoughts
• 37:01
  Speaker 2: and what are your thoughts telling you about the situation.
• 37:03
  Speaker 2: That's a piece of information. What are your emotions telling
• 37:05
  Speaker 2: you about the situation? That's a piece of information. And
• 37:08
  Speaker 2: when we need both, we need the information from our
• 37:11
  Speaker 2: rational brain and we need information from our emotional world
• 37:14
  Speaker 2: to actually deeply understand what's going on. And a lot
• 37:17
  Speaker 2: of people try to shift into one or the other.
• 37:19
  Speaker 1: Right, all right, And this would be a component of
• 37:21
  Speaker 1: self concept.
• 37:22
  Speaker 2: Right, yeah, it would be you know who, Well, I
• 37:25
  Speaker 2: think that their self esteem and self concept going on.
• 37:27
  Speaker 2: Self esteem is like how do I feel about myself?
• 37:30
  Speaker 2: Do I feel good about myself? To feel bad about myself?
• 37:32
  Speaker 2: Self concept is more who am I? At my core?
• 37:35
  Speaker 2: Like who am I? And so many people's answer to
• 37:40
  Speaker 2: that is I am shameful? And that is what is heartbreaking.
• 37:47
  Speaker 1: Yeah, in relationship.
• 37:48
  Speaker 2: Because the attachment insecurities almost always go back to fear
• 37:55
  Speaker 2: and shame.
• 37:56
  Speaker 1: And I feel like shame it doesn't show up. That
• 38:01
  Speaker 1: could be wrong, so you can correct me if I am.
• 38:03
  Speaker 1: I don't feel like it shows up more in one
• 38:06
  Speaker 1: of the attachment styles than the other.
• 38:08
  Speaker 2: It's all there. Yeah, they're all shame based.
• 38:11
  Speaker 1: Yes, it's like the core of them, all.
• 38:14
  Speaker 2: The anxious preoccupied is ashamed that they feel like they
• 38:17
  Speaker 2: are never enough for someone to love them. They are
• 38:21
  Speaker 2: never going to be enough. They are always lacking in
• 38:25
  Speaker 2: some way. They're lacking in beauty, they're lacking in intelligence,
• 38:27
  Speaker 2: they're lacking in humor, they're lacking in success or money,
• 38:32
  Speaker 2: They're lacking somewhere. It's all about I am not enough,
• 38:36
  Speaker 2: and therefore, because I am not enough, I will be abandoned,
• 38:39
  Speaker 2: and that's the ultimate pain. That is what anxious, preoccupied
• 38:43
  Speaker 2: attachment is. Fearful avoidance says I'm worthless, and because I don't,
• 38:49
  Speaker 2: I'm not worth anything. People are allowed to treat me
• 38:51
  Speaker 2: however they want, and I probably deserve it. So I
• 38:55
  Speaker 2: will be betrayed. But inherently I deserve that betrayal. That's worthlessness, right,
• 39:01
  Speaker 2: which still is shame, shame, not being good enough, shame,
• 39:05
  Speaker 2: worthless shame. The dismissive avoidance is defectiveness. I came out
• 39:10
  Speaker 2: of the factory wrong. There's nothing I can actually do
• 39:13
  Speaker 2: about being defective. You know, I'm just and if somebody
• 39:17
  Speaker 2: gets close enough to me, they're gonna see that and
• 39:19
  Speaker 2: they're going to leave me and run away or hurt me.
• 39:22
  Speaker 2: And so again, shame. Whether you're not good enough, worthless,
• 39:27
  Speaker 2: or defective. Inherently, those are different wounds that drive different
• 39:31
  Speaker 2: sets of behavior and different types of thinking. But at
• 39:36
  Speaker 2: its core, it's all shame and.
• 39:39
  Speaker 1: Fear, yeah, and fear, which will ultimately destroy relationships. And
• 39:45
  Speaker 1: that's why that's why I just felt like this episode
• 39:48
  Speaker 1: was so important.
• 39:50
  Speaker 2: We actually did not have any idea what directed No,
• 39:52
  Speaker 2: we had no clue.
• 39:53
  Speaker 1: We just happened to be having that.
• 39:54
  Speaker 2: Literally, we were like, this could be a good topic,
• 39:57
  Speaker 2: but it was like, how's it going to go? And
• 39:58
  Speaker 2: we were like, we don't know, let's just take get
• 40:00
  Speaker 2: where it goes.
• 40:02
  Speaker 1: And because we had the conversation we had this morning,
• 40:04
  Speaker 1: I felt like, you know, it was just relevant to
• 40:07
  Speaker 1: the day. And because again, you know, we I will
• 40:12
  Speaker 1: admit that we tend to be kind of hard on
• 40:15
  Speaker 1: ourselves after we maybe watch one of these episodes and.
• 40:19
  Speaker 2: The camera adds ten pounds. The camera doesn't always put
• 40:22
  Speaker 2: you on the most flattering angles sometimes, and it's just
• 40:24
  Speaker 2: that's you have to realize that you're viewed a vault
• 40:27
  Speaker 2: from all different angles. You're not just viewed from right here,
• 40:29
  Speaker 2: which is what you see every day. So it's hard
• 40:32
  Speaker 2: to see yourself on camera because you're like, oh, I'm
• 40:33
  Speaker 2: seeing what other people see.
• 40:34
  Speaker 1: I watched this video the other day. It was on Instagram.
• 40:36
  Speaker 1: Actually it was an esthetician and she was talking about how,
• 40:39
  Speaker 1: you know, she does so much work to all these
• 40:41
  Speaker 1: beautiful women, you know, and they come in they're like,
• 40:44
  Speaker 1: I don't like this about me, and I don't like
• 40:45
  Speaker 1: this about my face, and fix this about my face.
• 40:48
  Speaker 1: She was like, and then I started thinking about sunsets,
• 40:50
  Speaker 1: and she was like, and I started thinking about how
• 40:52
  Speaker 1: sunsets when you see them in person, they're so beautiful,
• 40:56
  Speaker 1: but then when you try to take a picture of it,
• 40:58
  Speaker 1: you're like, wow, it really just doesn't do it justice.
• 41:00
  Speaker 1: She was like, and that's how all these women are.
• 41:03
  Speaker 1: And I'm like, man, that's exactly how the moon is.
• 41:06
  Speaker 1: That's exactly how the sun is. All the most beautiful
• 41:08
  Speaker 1: things in the world, right, they don't want to be
• 41:10
  Speaker 1: photographed will like, Gosh, in person, they're so beautiful, yes,
• 41:14
  Speaker 1: And so that's what I'm just saying. Maybe that's maybe
• 41:17
  Speaker 1: that's just how it is.
• 41:19
  Speaker 2: I actually saw a video of a nurse injector a sysician,
• 41:23
  Speaker 2: and she was like, I see all these women and
• 41:27
  Speaker 2: they're focusing on the tiny little imperfections and they're like, well,
• 41:30
  Speaker 2: you know this, I got my lips done, but this
• 41:32
  Speaker 2: side of my lip is a little bit like lower
• 41:34
  Speaker 2: and like, and they're like, so they want more filler,
• 41:38
  Speaker 2: and so they want more corrections, and they're chasing every
• 41:41
  Speaker 2: little imperfection and they get so much work done they
• 41:44
  Speaker 2: start to look weird. Yeah, they don't look like themselves. Anymore, right,
• 41:48
  Speaker 2: And she said, I just really want to caution everybody
• 41:50
  Speaker 2: out there that's doing these types of treatments. Stop chasing
• 41:54
  Speaker 2: every little imperfection. You're gonna start not looking like yourself.
• 41:58
  Speaker 2: And really, when I started this year, I can totally
• 42:01
  Speaker 2: see how you could get there. Oh, for sure, it is,
• 42:04
  Speaker 2: it is. It can become an addiction. And you if
• 42:06
  Speaker 2: you are a filler botox girly, hey we are too. Yeah,
• 42:10
  Speaker 2: but you can chase it never endingly. There's always another treatment.
• 42:15
  Speaker 2: There's always another laser, another injection, another something, another something,
• 42:18
  Speaker 2: another something.
• 42:18
  Speaker 1: I think that's Josh's fear, right, Like Donald comes down
• 42:21
  Speaker 1: to it, He's like, well what else, Like when is
• 42:24
  Speaker 1: it gonna be enough? And I'm like, compared to what
• 42:26
  Speaker 1: I mean, I get, I get a talks twice, like
• 42:28
  Speaker 1: I don't even get it that much, maybe twice three
• 42:30
  Speaker 1: times a year, you know. And it's and now as
• 42:34
  Speaker 1: I get older, I do want to seek better intervention
• 42:37
  Speaker 1: that is just like overall just better for my skin, right,
• 42:41
  Speaker 1: like more facials or you know, maybe some more micro
• 42:46
  Speaker 1: needling or laser treatments where it's not just like constantly
• 42:49
  Speaker 1: coming toxins into my face, you know, but I mean,
• 42:56
  Speaker 1: it's not like we're out there like you know, boob
• 42:59
  Speaker 1: job brain boob jobs, like trying to do everything we
• 43:02
  Speaker 1: possibly can.
• 43:03
  Speaker 2: The only thing I've ever had done is a little
• 43:05
  Speaker 2: bit of filler in my lips, a little bit of
• 43:07
  Speaker 2: tiny bit of filler in my cheek, just one time
• 43:10
  Speaker 2: and boat dogs.
• 43:11
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that's it. I know. I'll admit it to ismic.
• 43:15
  Speaker 2: I don't carey, fine, I did it too. Actually it wastide, Okay, no,
• 43:22
  Speaker 2: but I did. I lost thirty five pounds with Trezeppatide.
• 43:25
  Speaker 1: Well you know, okay, let's talk about that a little bit.
• 43:28
  Speaker 1: And I know, I know, but here's the thing, like
• 43:35
  Speaker 1: why why? Because here's what I've noticed after I was
• 43:39
  Speaker 1: able to lose twenty five pounds on it. My body
• 43:43
  Speaker 1: has so much less inflammation, my gut issues aren't as bad.
• 43:47
  Speaker 1: I'm more regular now I realize this doesn't happen for everyone.
• 43:51
  Speaker 1: And there were some little side effects that weren't pleasant,
• 43:55
  Speaker 1: So I'll admit to that too. I has some zero
• 43:57
  Speaker 1: side crazy like I did have nausea and stuff and
• 44:01
  Speaker 1: sometimes with it, and like sometimes I would get like
• 44:04
  Speaker 1: bubble guts kind of with it, or but that kind
• 44:06
  Speaker 1: of has surpassed as I've just tried to maintain. But gosh,
• 44:10
  Speaker 1: I have so much less inflammation like before, you know,
• 44:15
  Speaker 1: when I had the extra weight on me, like I
• 44:18
  Speaker 1: was constantly bloaded, constantly and constantly uncomfortable. Yeah, like I
• 44:24
  Speaker 1: don't really have that anymore.
• 44:26
  Speaker 2: Yeah. I think it just does something I.
• 44:28
  Speaker 1: Would binge too, I mean totally yeah, and I.
• 44:32
  Speaker 2: Mean I mean sugar yeah, and desserts. And it made
• 44:37
  Speaker 2: it made me feel like I was in so much
• 44:39
  Speaker 2: more control. And I think that that was beneficial. I
• 44:44
  Speaker 2: think that it there's studies coming out now that it
• 44:47
  Speaker 2: repairs heart cells, that it repairs the liver, like.
• 44:50
  Speaker 1: It's how why people stopped like alcohol.
• 44:52
  Speaker 2: It's healing people's pcos. It's they're using it now for
• 44:55
  Speaker 2: addiction because it really it sort of reregulates your dopamine
• 45:00
  Speaker 2: in your brain.
• 45:01
  Speaker 1: Peptide. It's just a which the body naturally produced.
• 45:04
  Speaker 2: Yes it does, and there is a and so your
• 45:08
  Speaker 2: brain actually can regulate peptides where it's like if you're
• 45:12
  Speaker 2: injecting like human growth hormone, that's super dangerous, Like I
• 45:15
  Speaker 2: would never do something like that, but a peptide. It's
• 45:18
  Speaker 2: actually the reason they're not they weren't regulated forever. Like
• 45:21
  Speaker 2: you can. You can go to different websites and buy
• 45:25
  Speaker 2: peptides for everything, for muscle growth, peptides to sleep better,
• 45:29
  Speaker 2: peptides to grow your hair. More peptides are used, and
• 45:32
  Speaker 2: guess who's using them. All the freaking celebrities, and they
• 45:36
  Speaker 2: know everything. They are using so many peptides for collagen,
• 45:42
  Speaker 2: for for hair growth, for skin, for everything under the
• 45:47
  Speaker 2: sun there's a peptide for. But ozembic and trizepetide are
• 45:51
  Speaker 2: getting called out right because they've just discovered, oh, this
• 45:55
  Speaker 2: really helps people lose weight. And yes, are there potentials
• 46:01
  Speaker 2: for side effects? Yes, I mean anything you put in
• 46:05
  Speaker 2: your body could potentially have a side effect. But I
• 46:07
  Speaker 2: think the research coming out that this is actually helping
• 46:11
  Speaker 2: so many different and I think about, yeah, I'm not
• 46:14
  Speaker 2: gonna have shame that I used to know.
• 46:16
  Speaker 1: And there's you know a girl I fall on Instagram,
• 46:19
  Speaker 1: Lauren of Love. She's great, she you know, she's done
• 46:21
  Speaker 1: her research, but she talks about how you know, the
• 46:24
  Speaker 1: body when you've had trauma holds on to inflammation. Your
• 46:30
  Speaker 1: body produces more cortisol and so.
• 46:33
  Speaker 2: What exlammatory cido kind.
• 46:34
  Speaker 1: Yes, and so what it's done for her, someone who's
• 46:37
  Speaker 1: experienced a ton of trauma. Is it's allowed her to
• 46:41
  Speaker 1: release some of that and like again, so she doesn't
• 46:44
  Speaker 1: have all this inflammation, she's not holding on to, you know,
• 46:47
  Speaker 1: all this water weight, and her body's not constantly producing
• 46:51
  Speaker 1: all this cortisol, and so she just feels overall better.
• 46:56
  Speaker 2: I feel a million times better after I did it.
• 46:59
  Speaker 2: I'm glad I and I'm not ashamed to say that
• 47:01
  Speaker 2: I did it. And you know, if I.
• 47:04
  Speaker 1: If somebody asked me, I said, yep, you're.
• 47:07
  Speaker 2: So much more bold than me. I hold it back
• 47:09
  Speaker 2: just because there's so much judgment because people are uninformed.
• 47:12
  Speaker 2: They are you know, they think you're stealing medication from
• 47:15
  Speaker 2: diabetics and I'm not. I'm getting it compounded. And here's
• 47:18
  Speaker 2: the thing. It's freaking expensive. It's expensive a f It
• 47:23
  Speaker 2: is insanely expensive. And I'm blessed so that I could
• 47:26
  Speaker 2: afford it. And I see people all the time that
• 47:28
  Speaker 2: I'm like, I know, like they would benefit so much
• 47:31
  Speaker 2: from a health perspective from having access to this medication,
• 47:36
  Speaker 2: and they're not approved for the insurance won't approve the
• 47:40
  Speaker 2: brand name, and they can't afford the generic and that's sad.
• 47:44
  Speaker 2: It's sad that we live in a world where now
• 47:46
  Speaker 2: we find that there's this medication that literally reverses pcos,
• 47:50
  Speaker 2: is helping people get pregnant, that is reversing cirrhosis of
• 47:53
  Speaker 2: the liver, that's repairing the endothelial cells of the heart
• 47:56
  Speaker 2: and decreasing people's risk of heart attack, decreasing people's risk
• 47:59
  Speaker 2: of stroke. And yet it's vilified as you are just uh,
• 48:04
  Speaker 2: you just want to be thin.
• 48:05
  Speaker 1: Right, But yet all the foods in the grocery store
• 48:08
  Speaker 1: that are full of preservatives and boxes are I mean,
• 48:14
  Speaker 1: I will say anything about that.
• 48:15
  Speaker 2: I was eating the healthiest I had ever eaten in
• 48:18
  Speaker 2: my entire life. When I was the biggest that I
• 48:21
  Speaker 2: had ever been in my entire life. I was weighing
• 48:23
  Speaker 2: and measuring every single bite of food that was and
• 48:27
  Speaker 2: logging that was going into my mouth. I was strictly
• 48:30
  Speaker 2: adhering to a calorie deficit. I was working out five
• 48:33
  Speaker 2: to six days a week, and I could not lose
• 48:36
  Speaker 2: eight pound. In six months, I lost four pounds.
• 48:38
  Speaker 1: Do you know how many women are struggling with I
• 48:40
  Speaker 1: was so frustrated, how many women thirty five plus are
• 48:43
  Speaker 1: struggling with exactly what. You just guess what.
• 48:44
  Speaker 2: I started taking rezepetide thirty five pounds yea, in what
• 48:48
  Speaker 2: four months?
• 48:49
  Speaker 1: Maybe? Yeah, I lost about twenty five and six, like
• 48:52
  Speaker 1: I kind of took a little bit slower.
• 48:53
  Speaker 2: And now, I mean, listen, I think I was a
• 48:55
  Speaker 2: hyper responder.
• 48:56
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, I do think I was.
• 48:57
  Speaker 2: A hyper responder, which cool for me.
• 49:01
  Speaker 1: That cool. And now I'm just kind of maintaining and
• 49:03
  Speaker 1: I just feel you know, I just feel good. Like
• 49:05
  Speaker 1: I when I was, you know, really trying to lose,
• 49:08
  Speaker 1: it kind of did affect my workouts and stuff just
• 49:09
  Speaker 1: because I was in such a calorie deficit and I
• 49:12
  Speaker 1: didn't like that feeling. So you know, now that I'm maintaining,
• 49:15
  Speaker 1: I feel great, you know.
• 49:17
  Speaker 2: Yeah, And I'm actually eating a good amount of calories
• 49:20
  Speaker 2: now and I'm maintaining.
• 49:21
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 49:22
  Speaker 2: I think it fundamentally does something. And actually the research
• 49:25
  Speaker 2: is showing that people aren't gaining all the weight back, right,
• 49:27
  Speaker 2: you know, they're not. They're getting a little bit of
• 49:30
  Speaker 2: it that which is to be expected. Yeah, especially they're
• 49:33
  Speaker 2: just the inflammation and water weight.
• 49:34
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and it's because it's it gives you, it puts
• 49:36
  Speaker 1: you in such a calorie deficit at first, I think,
• 49:39
  Speaker 1: yeah so, but you know, in terms of self image
• 49:44
  Speaker 1: and self worth and you know, the important things that
• 49:47
  Speaker 1: we want to talk about. I think it's important to
• 49:49
  Speaker 1: talk about those things that get such a bad rap,
• 49:53
  Speaker 1: you know, when really what it's about is, you know,
• 49:58
  Speaker 1: if it's something that makes you feel good and you
• 50:01
  Speaker 1: can afford it, right, you're not going to don't go
• 50:03
  Speaker 1: into debt over it, like, don't do that, but if
• 50:06
  Speaker 1: it makes you feel good, and you know, I'll admit, like,
• 50:10
  Speaker 1: I think it improved my sex life.
• 50:12
  Speaker 2: Oh me too.
• 50:13
  Speaker 1: I had more libido.
• 50:15
  Speaker 2: And I feel I feel more uninhibited right because I'm
• 50:20
  Speaker 2: not focusing on like, oh my gosh, my belly is
• 50:22
  Speaker 2: like right hanging over right like, or oh my gosh,
• 50:24
  Speaker 2: like my roles. Even though my husband wasn't I can
• 50:28
  Speaker 2: almost guarantee wasn't looking at that all right, caring about
• 50:30
  Speaker 2: that in those moments, right, He's like he has always
• 50:34
  Speaker 2: every my husband has seen me. When I met him,
• 50:37
  Speaker 2: I was just a little heavier than I am right now,
• 50:39
  Speaker 2: which was still pretty thin for me, and then we
• 50:42
  Speaker 2: gained a lot of love weight.
• 50:44
  Speaker 1: My husband has seen me look homeless, okay, and he
• 50:46
  Speaker 1: still loves me, like he has seen me with kleenexes
• 50:49
  Speaker 1: at my nose and like looking my absolute worst, and
• 50:52
  Speaker 1: he still loves me. So this isn't about like I
• 50:54
  Speaker 1: mean it really truly is. No.
• 50:55
  Speaker 2: We are loved and we are accepted, and I think
• 50:57
  Speaker 2: that that's one of the things that that causes us
• 50:59
  Speaker 2: to challenge. Okay, why are we doing this right? Right?
• 51:01
  Speaker 2: Because I'm not gonna lie. I gained seventy pounds in
• 51:06
  Speaker 2: my second pregnancy. It's ridiculous if you see me like
• 51:12
  Speaker 2: you were preg knit. I'm talking about my stomach was
• 51:16
  Speaker 2: stretched where there's there. It was the point of no return.
• 51:19
  Speaker 1: You looked like you were so pregnant because you're short too,
• 51:22
  Speaker 1: I'm sure, yeah, you're five to three on a god day.
• 51:25
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 51:25
  Speaker 1: So like in the one picture that I have in
• 51:28
  Speaker 1: my brain, I think the one that you've showed me,
• 51:29
  Speaker 1: like you're so pregnant, Like it looks like you're gonna
• 51:32
  Speaker 1: either fall backwards or fall over.
• 51:34
  Speaker 2: Yeah yeah, yeah. And so would I love Minnie tummy
• 51:39
  Speaker 2: talk to get that saggy skin what, Yes, I would
• 51:43
  Speaker 2: love that. But then at the end of the day,
• 51:45
  Speaker 2: I'm like, I need to buy I'd rather buy real estate. Yeah,
• 51:48
  Speaker 2: and invest my money because my stomach isn't an asset
• 51:52
  Speaker 2: that a house that I buy will be and rent
• 51:54
  Speaker 2: out will be an asset. And who would I be
• 51:56
  Speaker 2: doing it for? Because my husband absolutely loves me and
• 51:58
  Speaker 2: accepts me as I am, So it wouldn't be for
• 52:02
  Speaker 2: It wouldn't be really for me. It wouldn't benefiting me
• 52:06
  Speaker 2: other than in a pro a weird pride way.
• 52:10
  Speaker 1: And that's something I think that it's an ongoing struggle.
• 52:13
  Speaker 2: And I don't judge people that have done it because
• 52:15
  Speaker 2: I'm admitting that I would like to have done.
• 52:17
  Speaker 1: There is no judgment here, none, and we hope to
• 52:19
  Speaker 1: not be judged. We would prefer to not be cute.
• 52:23
  Speaker 1: But you know, I mean, this is something that's ongoing
• 52:25
  Speaker 1: with me. You know that I listen, I love products.
• 52:29
  Speaker 1: Oh my god, you are a product queen, and I
• 52:32
  Speaker 1: just keep buying all these products knowing that, like you know,
• 52:35
  Speaker 1: it gets to a point where it's like you use
• 52:38
  Speaker 1: too many products and like there's hormone disruption and all this,
• 52:42
  Speaker 1: and I'm just like, okay, I need to I need
• 52:43
  Speaker 1: to take a step back here. But I keep asking myself,
• 52:45
  Speaker 1: like I'm really trying to get curious Okay, why is it?
• 52:49
  Speaker 1: Why is it that I just keep buying.
• 52:50
  Speaker 2: Me are easily influenced.
• 52:54
  Speaker 1: I'm so easily influce, and because.
• 52:56
  Speaker 2: The internet learns you, and it learns you. Now, we
• 52:59
  Speaker 2: have a technology that's going to put the thing that
• 53:02
  Speaker 2: you were talking with your friend about right on your phone,
• 53:05
  Speaker 2: and it's going to then decide exactly not only to
• 53:08
  Speaker 2: present it to you, but exactly how to present it
• 53:10
  Speaker 2: to you so that you're gonna buy it. Listen, that's
• 53:12
  Speaker 2: what technology we're living.
• 53:14
  Speaker 1: This is how smart AI is and how smart the
• 53:16
  Speaker 1: algorithms are. I got chickens this year. I'm trying to
• 53:22
  Speaker 1: manifest this farm that I want someday. I love skincare products.
• 53:28
  Speaker 1: Over the past two weeks, guess what found me This
• 53:30
  Speaker 1: little place called farm Fresh Market where they it's farm
• 53:35
  Speaker 1: to table skincare products. Total sucker. I mean, I've been
• 53:40
  Speaker 1: so sucked into this little company and done. I mean
• 53:45
  Speaker 1: I have deep dove into like everything that they do,
• 53:48
  Speaker 1: which is this sanctuary where all like a portion of
• 53:52
  Speaker 1: the proceeds of the product that you buy go to
• 53:54
  Speaker 1: save these farm animals. Listen, last night I was sitting
• 53:58
  Speaker 1: on my couchan boohoo is way about this story that
• 54:02
  Speaker 1: they were you know, I mean it was a sponsored ad,
• 54:05
  Speaker 1: and I'm like, they that's how good the algorithm is.
• 54:08
  Speaker 1: They took my love for my new chickens and my
• 54:10
  Speaker 1: love for skin care prod it and they say the
• 54:13
  Speaker 1: heck out of it and they combined the two and
• 54:15
  Speaker 1: I was like, sold, right, sold, And you know what
• 54:18
  Speaker 1: I mean, that's just again.
• 54:19
  Speaker 2: Right, that's how what are we chasing right now? I
• 54:21
  Speaker 2: don't know what are we chasing? And we're chasing I mean,
• 54:24
  Speaker 2: I'll admit I'm chasing success. Yeah, And I'm going to
• 54:29
  Speaker 2: go back to if you look good, you play good.
• 54:31
  Speaker 2: If you play good, you get paid good. And it's
• 54:33
  Speaker 2: worked for me so far.
• 54:35
  Speaker 1: And then I think that's a great place to stop
• 54:36
  Speaker 1: or whatever, because you know, at the end of the day,
• 54:40
  Speaker 1: I think the first thing that you said, again at
• 54:42
  Speaker 1: the beginning of this is like when somebody maybe spouts
• 54:47
  Speaker 1: off some really ugly comment about your looks or you know,
• 54:51
  Speaker 1: it's really more or if people want to pass judgment
• 54:53
  Speaker 1: on the fact that we've openly admitted and been really
• 54:56
  Speaker 1: really honest about the things that we do like botox
• 54:59
  Speaker 1: and Phillips, And I wasn't big or triepetide. If people
• 55:03
  Speaker 1: want to pass judgment on them, isn't that more of
• 55:05
  Speaker 1: a reflection on them than it is on us.
• 55:07
  Speaker 2: I'd say a lot of the women that judge they
• 55:11
  Speaker 2: can't afford it. Yeah, yeah, and I get it.
• 55:14
  Speaker 1: And there's no judgment.
• 55:15
  Speaker 2: There's no judgment there either, but it really they're angry
• 55:19
  Speaker 2: because they want it and they can't have it. Yeah,
• 55:23
  Speaker 2: And let's be on I mean, this podcast is about
• 55:24
  Speaker 2: being real, and there are women that don't want to
• 55:27
  Speaker 2: do it because they don't want to put those things
• 55:29
  Speaker 2: in their body. And I respect that wholeheartedly. And there
• 55:32
  Speaker 2: are women that can't afford it and therefore are jealous
• 55:35
  Speaker 2: and angry over it. And then there are the women
• 55:37
  Speaker 2: that think that it's contributing to unrealistic beauty standards and
• 55:42
  Speaker 2: it's objectifying women and it's making us focus too much
• 55:44
  Speaker 2: on our books. But I can understand that too. I
• 55:47
  Speaker 2: think that there's some validity in that argument too. At
• 55:52
  Speaker 2: the end of the day, though, look at our friend group,
• 55:57
  Speaker 2: there ain't a dang one of us that then do.
• 55:59
  Speaker 1: It, and there are pros and cons, and I think
• 56:02
  Speaker 1: that we've done a good job of breaking that down
• 56:04
  Speaker 1: and even breaking down the science.
• 56:05
  Speaker 2: There's a social aspect of it, there's a social acceptance
• 56:07
  Speaker 2: aspect of it. But then I think that the fear
• 56:10
  Speaker 2: that I have is that we become so hyper focused
• 56:14
  Speaker 2: on self image that it does start hurting our relationships,
• 56:16
  Speaker 2: our relationship to self, our relationship with our intimate partner,
• 56:20
  Speaker 2: and our relationship to society and God and God. Oh yeah,
• 56:24
  Speaker 2: I mean, yeah, that's something I wrestle with because God
• 56:27
  Speaker 2: loves and accepts me exactly as I am. And I
• 56:30
  Speaker 2: can't make beauty an idol. You can't have any idols,
• 56:34
  Speaker 2: not money, not beauty, not your romantic partner, nobody or
• 56:38
  Speaker 2: anything can come above God. And I always think about
• 56:40
  Speaker 2: if I'm thinking about it more than I'm thinking about God,
• 56:43
  Speaker 2: it's an idol in my life. And I have to
• 56:45
  Speaker 2: try to tear that idle down. And so I'm confronting
• 56:49
  Speaker 2: beauty as an idol right now, and I do want
• 56:53
  Speaker 2: to tear it down. Does that mean that I'm going
• 56:56
  Speaker 2: to stop getting botox? Maybe not, but I'm going to
• 57:00
  Speaker 2: see it for what it is.
• 57:01
  Speaker 1: Right right, And that's really the whole point of this.
• 57:04
  Speaker 1: It's like, and listen, this is it's so cathartic to
• 57:07
  Speaker 1: really even talk about because it's to be honest, Yeah,
• 57:11
  Speaker 1: because we do acknowledge it for exactly what it is.
• 57:13
  Speaker 1: And I think that that sometimes is enough. Doesn't mean
• 57:17
  Speaker 1: you have to stop doing it, just acknowledging it for
• 57:19
  Speaker 1: what it is and not trying to pretend like it's something.
• 57:22
  Speaker 2: Else and not crossing the line. Yeah. I see a
• 57:26
  Speaker 2: lot of women on social media that have totally screwed
• 57:29
  Speaker 2: up their faces. They have blindness over how big their
• 57:33
  Speaker 2: lips are. They are blind to how much filler they
• 57:36
  Speaker 2: have in their face. They have the pillow face, you know.
• 57:38
  Speaker 2: I mean there's a lot of celebrities that you're like,
• 57:40
  Speaker 2: oh gosh, they waited, we did it?
• 57:42
  Speaker 1: What did you do?
• 57:42
  Speaker 2: Oh? You were so much prettier before, right, And so
• 57:46
  Speaker 2: it's like it's just like make But then people that judge,
• 57:48
  Speaker 2: it's like, Okay, well do you wear makeup? Yeah, well
• 57:51
  Speaker 2: makeup is actually doing the same thing for your hair.
• 57:55
  Speaker 2: Do you dye your hair? Do you come up your gray?
• 57:56
  Speaker 2: I have solid white. My hair is solid white.
• 57:59
  Speaker 1: I can solve thought of the white.
• 58:02
  Speaker 2: Because I've had so much trauma and high high stress
• 58:05
  Speaker 2: hormones will deplete the melionin in your hair. So that
• 58:08
  Speaker 2: age old saying of like you're gonna make You're gonna
• 58:10
  Speaker 2: give me gray hair. You're making me have gray hair
• 58:12
  Speaker 2: because you're stressing me out. That is true. My hair
• 58:15
  Speaker 2: turned white in my twenties when I was in an
• 58:18
  Speaker 2: abusive relationship. I've seen girl, Yeah, I know right, I'm like,
• 58:22
  Speaker 2: I could just be platinum at this point, but my.
• 58:25
  Speaker 1: Hair maybe some way you will be and it'll be so.
• 58:27
  Speaker 2: It's too fragile, but here, And that's the thing. I
• 58:30
  Speaker 2: actually made a big move and took out all my
• 58:32
  Speaker 2: hair extensions and like, and now I'm miss them and
• 58:35
  Speaker 2: I want them back.
• 58:36
  Speaker 1: But your followers were so supportive of that.
• 58:39
  Speaker 2: They were I've had nothing but like you, I love
• 58:42
  Speaker 2: your new haircut. Your new haircut.
• 58:43
  Speaker 1: I really love it too.
• 58:44
  Speaker 2: I know, and I like it.
• 58:47
  Speaker 1: I know you just get.
• 58:48
  Speaker 2: But I could have kept pushing with extensions. I could
• 58:50
  Speaker 2: have kept pushing the kicking the can down the road,
• 58:53
  Speaker 2: because it's kicking the can down the road. So why
• 58:54
  Speaker 2: did I get extensions? Here's the thing too, people don't
• 58:57
  Speaker 2: know your story, right, Why did I get extensions? When
• 58:59
  Speaker 2: my ex husband died tragically and suddenly I lost forty
• 59:03
  Speaker 2: percent of my hair in probably three months, my hair
• 59:05
  Speaker 2: was coming out in clumps. I had bald spots from
• 59:09
  Speaker 2: the trauma, So judge me all you want, but I
• 59:12
  Speaker 2: didn't have any freaking hair left. So I made a
• 59:15
  Speaker 2: decision before I wore a halo, which was removable extensions.
• 59:19
  Speaker 2: And then I as I, yeah, i've gotten a little
• 59:21
  Speaker 2: more income. I could get the hand tide right. But
• 59:26
  Speaker 2: then as I was continuing to take them out, my
• 59:28
  Speaker 2: hair was getting thinner and thinner and dinner, I will
• 59:30
  Speaker 2: do it. And I was like, oh my gosh, like
• 59:33
  Speaker 2: this is kicking the can down the road. This is
• 59:36
  Speaker 2: not okay, right, And so do I love the look
• 59:39
  Speaker 2: of the extensions? Oh my gosh, yes, I felt go
• 59:43
  Speaker 2: or just for that hair.
• 59:44
  Speaker 1: It does do something.
• 59:46
  Speaker 2: But I had to hump. I had to make a
• 59:48
  Speaker 2: choice of what was better for my health over my beauty.
• 59:52
  Speaker 2: And I don't want to damage my scalp. I don't
• 59:54
  Speaker 2: want to damage my hair anymore. I needed to take
• 59:56
  Speaker 2: a break and I'm going to rock the bob for
• 59:58
  Speaker 2: a while. You know, it just is what it is.
• 1:00:01
  Speaker 2: And but then I see all of these TikTokers and
• 1:00:03
  Speaker 2: they their long extensions in and you can, you know,
• 1:00:05
  Speaker 2: listen we can tell who has extensions.
• 1:00:08
  Speaker 1: Yeah, we can.
• 1:00:09
  Speaker 2: We can totally tell.
• 1:00:10
  Speaker 1: Again, there's no judgment.
• 1:00:11
  Speaker 2: There's no judgment. I had him, I loved them. So
• 1:00:13
  Speaker 2: at the end of the day, I think the lesson
• 1:00:16
  Speaker 2: should be de shame, right, don't you know? Notice shame,
• 1:00:21
  Speaker 2: Try to shift into acceptance, Try to focus on loving yourself.
• 1:00:25
  Speaker 2: Put limits on your chase for the perfection. Don't make
• 1:00:28
  Speaker 2: it an idol in your life. If you have a
• 1:00:31
  Speaker 2: relationship where someone's pressuring you to look better, get rid
• 1:00:34
  Speaker 2: of that person. Find somebody that loves you and accepts
• 1:00:36
  Speaker 2: you exactly as you are, and work on loving and
• 1:00:41
  Speaker 2: accepting yourself as you are, which is still a struggle
• 1:00:44
  Speaker 2: in today's society. And we'll admit that we still being
• 1:00:48
  Speaker 2: on camera will do it to you. Man.
• 1:00:50
  Speaker 1: I agree that that's the wrap up, and that's a
• 1:00:52
  Speaker 1: beautiful it's a beautiful summary. And I think a great
• 1:00:54
  Speaker 1: place to start is by earning your attachment security. Yes,
• 1:00:58
  Speaker 1: and if you are looking to your attachment security, please
• 1:01:02
  Speaker 1: visit doctor Hensley's website at the Dating Decoder dot com.
• 1:01:05
  Speaker 1: And if you are loving this content, please continue to listen, like, share, follow,
• 1:01:09
  Speaker 1: leave us a review. We are so grateful for each
• 1:01:12
  Speaker 1: and every one of you, and most of all, you
• 1:01:15
  Speaker 1: are beautiful. You are you are beautiful, You are loved.
• 1:01:19
  Speaker 1: We love you, and we want, we want you to
• 1:01:23
  Speaker 1: have just a happy relationship with self.
• 1:01:27
  Speaker 2: And brothers and in your place in society.
• 1:01:31
  Speaker 1: Yes, and God, and so until next time, peace, love
• 1:01:35
  Speaker 1: and perspective.