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When a narcissist uses your grief against you · The Mental Healness Podcast

• 0:00
  So y'all, today we're talking about a narcissist.
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  Favorite card to play? The grief card.
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  Oh boy, oh boy, will a narcissist absolutely use grief
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  and sympathy against you? Would they?
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  They'll use grief and sympathy to their advantage.
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  That's what we're talking about today, y'all.
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  If you're new here, my name is Lee Hammock.
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  I'm a diagnosed narcissist and welcome to another episode of
• 0:25
  The Narcissist Code. Welcome back y'all, welcome
• 0:45
  back, welcome back y'all. Grief and sympathy are weapons
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  that narcissistic people will absolutely use against you and
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  I'm just keeping it real. Like if you are going through
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  some an episode, like if you lose someone in your life or if
• 1:05
  they lose someone in their life or sniping someone, you could
• 1:08
  lose a pet, you could lose a job, grief, whatever brings
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  grief into your life. A friendship breakup, a friend
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  is moving away, your parents are moving away, your parents are
• 1:20
  retiring and moving to Bermuda or whatever.
• 1:23
  It's a sip kombucha and whatever.
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  Yeah, that's what I'm talking about though, y'all, That's what
• 1:29
  I'm saying. I'm hyped, I'm standing up, life
• 1:31
  is good. I'm so grateful.
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  But yes, yeah, they will absolutely use the things that
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  they are going through or the things that you are going
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  through to play on your heart. They just, it just it happens.
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  It it happens to so many people. Like let's just take this to an
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  example right here. I did a one-on-one with a guy a
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  little while ago, right? And he was talking about how he
• 1:58
  found his wife cheating on the right.
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  And he was like, I'm tired of her cheating at me.
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  Lee, this is it. I'm over and done with.
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  I'm finally going to get the strength to break up with her or
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  the divorce or whatever, be separated.
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  We have a couple of kids. He made the choice to go ahead
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  and do it. He found out she was cheating on
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  her. He got separated the day he the
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  day he was moving out. He had told his wife and
• 2:16
  everything. He the day he was moving out, he
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  had assigned an apartment lease and everything, had a 2/3, had a
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  two or three bedroom apartment for the kids.
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  He was ready to go. Somebody's family passed away
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  and he was just like he didn't have nobody else to turn to.
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  He had the, the last person that he had the the last connection
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  that he had the last family member alive that he had passed
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  away. So he had no one else to turn
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  to, right. So guess what he did, reached
• 2:41
  out to his ex, who his ex reached out to him.
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  His ex, his soon to be ex had found out, reached out to him
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  and say, if you need something, I'm here for you.
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  And of course, he used that moment of vulnerability, that
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  moment of grief to lure him back in.
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  And you know what else happened here?
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  You, you, you can guess what happened next.
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  Guess what happened next. Guess another baby on the way
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  got him. I was like, I get it.
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  I'm just telling you that time's a great look.
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  Sometimes they they look, they try to give you some cheeks
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  through the grief, trying to give him some cheeks through the
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  grief. We got another baby on the way.
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  She was happy, she was proud. She was like, gotcha.
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  So again, he had to extend his plan.
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  I haven't talked to him in a while.
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  So I don't know if he made it out, but like you see what
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  happened, He was out. He had signed a lease, he was
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  gone. He's like, man, I made the
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  decision, I'm gone. Then somebody passes away.
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  Then she reaches out to him and then got a baby out there.
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  I'm telling you, I'm hope y'all, I pray for that man.
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  I hope he's doing well. If you seeing this, I'm praying
• 3:42
  for you. Hope you're doing well, man,
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  Hope, hope hopefully that you mean, I don't know, I just hope,
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  I wish, I wish you to wear. But y'all, I stood in my one on
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  ones over zoom and also have my zoom support group for survivors
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  and thrivers at mentalillness.net.
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  Yes, but yeah, this happens to. So I'm just telling you in your
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  moments of grief, in your moments of when you need
• 4:02
  somebody, try, yeah, try anybody but them.
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  I promise you, anybody but them, because if they are not ready
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  for the relationship to be over with, if they are not ready for
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  your relationship to end, guess what happens?
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  They will absolutely turn on you.
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  They will. They will try to flip the script
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  on you. You need them also now.
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  You need it now. I don't want you to.
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  I'm so worried about you. Can I come over here?
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  You want to come over here? You don't have to be alone
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  through this, you know, You know what?
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  You also don't have to have clothes on either.
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  You know, those clothes, look, those clothes look very
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  vulnerable on you right now. So do that.
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  So does that bra, does that bra not increase your grief?
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  Do those pennies not make your grief harder 'cause they,
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  they're so tight? Maybe if you take your pennies
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  off, the grief of it'll release some grief.
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  I know they'll release some grief in me, you, I'm sorry.
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  I give vivid, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but
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  that's where it goes. I'm telling you, that's
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  literally the mindset of these toxic narcissistic people.
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  They will absolutely weaponize what you're going through and
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  weaponize your experiences against you.
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  This is what happens. This is what goes on.
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  I say this to say this. I say that to say this, if you
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  have to go through this situation with this person, if
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  you have to experience this type of grief, I promise you, like if
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  you, I feel like you're losing somebody, you need somebody to
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  be there. Join a support group.
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  It doesn't have to be mine. You don't have to join my
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  support group. Find a support group.
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  I have free ones on Facebook. I have, I have support groups
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  everywhere. Other people have support
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  groups. Just join a support group and
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  find somebody in there you can talk to.
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  You don't want to reach out to your partner because I'm telling
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  you this could reset your healing clock by so much.
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  You know, and I'm not trying to diminish anybody's grief or any,
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  any, any situation anybody's going through.
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  I'm just telling you, I know this just for a fact that they,
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  a lot of them will use this opportunity to get back into
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  your life and to cause chaos and wreak havoc.
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  They just will. And I tell everybody I tell, I
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  said this to so many people. I just like, hey, look, this is
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  exactly what they're going to do to you.
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  They're going to wreak havoc. They're going to mess with you.
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  They're going to do a lot of things to you that makes them
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  feel good in this situation. They want to make you feel
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  better. They want a lot of times, even
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  though they've been emotionally disconnected from you for a long
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  time in a relationship, when you need them, when you're going
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  through something, all of a sudden they turn on the empathy.
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  And This is why I believe that a lot of narcissists do have
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  empathy. This is like selective.
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  It's limited. It's very limited.
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  Like they had selective empathy. I'm going to give you, I'm going
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  to give you the empathy that I have right now because I know
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  that it will benefit me. It's like, it really is like
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  conditional empathy. I'm going to give you what I
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  have right now in return up for something.
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  It's like I'm not just going to give it to you for no reason and
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  just go go but go about my business.
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  No, that's not how it works. I'm going to give you the
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  empathy that I have in return for something else you're going
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  to get. I'm going to get something out
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  of it. You'll see that Denzel
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  Washington meme when he's talking to Jamie Foxx.
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  I'm leaving here with something. I'm leaving here with something
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  and Jamie Foxx bust all laughing.
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  That's literally how it's going. I'm leaving here with something.
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  That's literally how it's going to go.
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  They're going to feel like they they, they're going to give you
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  some empathy or be there for you, but they're going to expect
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  some type of reciprocation from it.
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  But guess what happens if you don't reciprocate?
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  If you don't get back with them, if you don't keep talking to
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  them, if you don't keep dealing with them or giving them some
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  cheeks or whatever the case may be, they're going to try to make
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  you feel bad for you used me. You reached out to me when you
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  needed something and you don't want to give me something in
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  return. That means it's always
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  conditional. There's always strings attached.
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  There's always when you're dealing with a narcissistic
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  person, there's almost always going to be strings attached to
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  the situation. They're always going to attach
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  something. They're like they're going to
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  want something in return. It's very rarely going to be I'm
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  going to give you something and I'm going to get nothing in
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  return. That's not how it works with
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  narcissists. I hope y'all know that I'm not.
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  I'm not going to give you something and then I get
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  nothing. What kind of does that make
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  sense? Yeah, I give you something and I
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  get nothing in return. Huh.
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  How does that make sense? It don't make sense to me, you
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  know, but that's how narcissists would do you.
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  I'm telling you that's that's literally how they would do you.
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  They will keep chopping. They will chop it and screw it
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  on you. They'll keep messing with you
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  and doing this type of stuff to you to to get inside of your
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  heads. This is what narcissists do.
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  This is how narcissistic people operate.
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  This is how they're going to continue to operate.
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  Because why would they? Yeah, think about it like this.
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  Why would I change something that works for me, Right?
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  Why would I change something that works for me and not just
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  if you're going through something?
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  I'm telling you, sometimes you get a narcissist that loses a
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  family member that you were close to and like you've been no
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  contact with them for a long time.
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  Like you've been no contact for a minute and then they lose
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  someone that you were close to that you haven't spoken to since
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  y'all were no contacts. You had to go no contact with
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  them. And guess what happens?
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  They find a way to reach out to you and then you to get you to
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  console them. Hey, just want to let you know
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  pop pop past. I know you want to talk to me or
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  hear from me, but pop pop ass, I ain't got about.
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  I got nobody else to talk to you.
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  You the only person that that really knew me that I could talk
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  to, I could share this type of stuff with.
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  I hate that we're not talking no more blah, blah, blah, Boo Boo,
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  Boo BB B. You see what I'm saying?
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  But this is the goal. This is how narcissists operate.
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  And sometimes they're they don't reach out to you because they're
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  blocked everywhere. Sometimes you might hear that
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  they're going through something and they're going through a
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  vulnerable time, they're going through some type of grief and
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  then you reach out to them. You break no contact to reach
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  out to them because you feel bad.
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  Y'all. You can pay your condolences to,
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  you can pray, pray for them. I know.
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  I understand that some people just feel in their hearts,
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  Willie, I have to reach out to them.
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  I just feel bad for the rest of my life.
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  I get that y'all but understand breaking no contact could come
• 10:00
  with some consequences. It could come with you going to
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  have to sit down over there or going through the going through
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  the repass or going to the funeral or going to going to
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  help bury the bury the cat or bury the dog or bury the send
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  the flush the fish down the toilet.
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  What have y'all been doing right with the goldfish?
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  Like sometimes this how it's going to go if y'all have kids.
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  Yeah, the kids, the kids sometimes will tell you about
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  the grief or vulnerability that the other parent or other person
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  is going through. And they they might entice you
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  to reach out to the other parent.
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  I'm just telling you, there's so many different times right here.
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  Just don't let them weaponize your grief against you because
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  if it works once, it'll work again and again and again.
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  And don't like, be like my man I told you about earlier.
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  Like he was so, yeah, he was so close to being free.
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  He had signed a lease, was out of it.
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  Was out of it then he lost his family member, had nobody else
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  to talk to, 'cause he moves across the country to be with
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  this person. And then I don't know if he
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  moved across the country. I think he was this his last
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  left and family member. And then end up going back to
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  her, 'cause she said she was going to be there for him.
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  He needed some comfort and he got between the cheeks and had
• 11:03
  another baby. He probably had a baby by now.
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  This is years ago. This is a couple years ago, so
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  he's baby probably been here now.
• 11:08
  So anyways, y'all thank you for ride with me through this video.
• 11:11
  You know I truly appreciate every single one of y'all.
• 11:13
  Hit that subscribe button if you haven't already Mental
• 11:15
  illness.net for all things Lee Hammock.
• 11:17
  My my coaching, my courses, my kids books, every single thing
• 11:22
  is at mentalillness.net. Find a link in the description
• 11:25
  and I'm out. Peace.